#which legitimately comes up semi-regularly in my life to this day

[moku-youbi]

I didn't start this post as an album review a decade and a half too late...

But here we are. disclaimer that this is full of digressions and might not matter to anyone except for me. I'm not really interested in arguing about who does these things "better," like those critical at the time did. I love MCR just as much as FOB, and Green Day holds a special place in my heart, but lyrically Pete speaks to me the most, and guess what? I can love more than one band that does similar things for different reasons???

to this day, I do not understand how Folie a Deux was so roundly dismissed and/or hated on by FOB fans. Purists want to act like emo as a genre can't draw on or include anything else, which I've always found obnoxious as hell anyway, so maybe that's why I don't understand the hate. But it's particularly funny to me, because I think in a lot of ways this is one of the darkest albums lyrically with a lot of tragically, aggressively dismal outlooks from Pete on his mental health and suicidal ideation. It's some of his most honest, rawest truths, but because of the music it's set to, his fans accused him of selling out instead of listening to what he was saying.

Songs like "27" (so named for the infamous 27 Club, which Pete was just slightly past at the time of writing it), "(Coffee's for Closers)," "Tiffany Blews," "What a Catch, Donnie," "w.a.m.s.," "20 Dollar Nosebleed," and "West Coast Smoker," (over half of the 13 song album) deal heavily with themes of lack of self-worth, the vicious cycle of drug use to deal with depression(both legal and illicit), conflating mental illness with talent, lack of control over his own life, struggling with feelings ungrateful in the face of fame (what does someone so famous/wealthy/well-loved/good-looking have to complain about anyway, cry-baby?!), being accused of using his mental illness as a prop, or faking it for notoriety, unable to find a human connection or not being able to hold onto it when he does, and on, and on, and on, all laced through, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly, with this idea that he doesn't know how to continue living, wants something desperately to show him how to continue living.

It's someone screaming for help, and given that Pete later discussed much of the inspiration coming from his feeling of the inevitability of the band's breakup, it's no wonder. These things are lyrically explicit or discussed in depth in interviews: He saw Fall Out Boy as the thing that had kept him alive past 27 (Pete and his management legitimately thought he would not live past that age). He saw Patrick as someone he was very close to, who understood him, something he regularly says feels impossible to him (what a match/I'm half-doomed, and you're semi-sweet). And he saw it falling apart (two songs acknowledge how tired they're getting in their first lines, "The (shipped) Gold Standard" and "20 Dollar Nosebleed" with Sometimes I wanna quit this song and become an accountant now/But I'm no good at math and besides the dollar is down and Have you ever wanted to disappear/And join a monastery, respectively). In "Tiffany Blews," Pete tells us he's A caterpillar that got stuck/Mr. Moth, come quick with any luck/A long walk to a dark house/A roman candle heart keep us far apart. He'd made it halfway through this transformation into something or someone else, maybe someone healthier or at least past self-destructive tendencies, and now he's stuck. He doesn't know what's coming next, but he needs it fast because he doesn't know if he can hold on for it. (Slightly off-topic, but I can't help but wonder how seeing Panic! at the Disco's split might have fucked him up over it even more--thank fuck things went much better for Fall Out Boy in that regard...)(If this is all getting you down, just remember the hiatus ended, and we have several beautiful albums that followed.) (Also off topic, but if you're an FOB fan and haven't listened to Pete's hiatus band's work, you are seriously missing the fuck out. I'll do a post on that later...)

But FOB fans are notoriously hard to please, something Pete acknowledges frequently on this album as well as others (on "She's My Winona" Patrick sings, Even the young ones become irrelevant/They always bring up how you changed/Never the same person when I go to sleep/As when I wake up,) while simultaneously letting them know he doesn't give a fuck (All of "I Don't Care").

I mean, I get that it's not a perfect album, but it's so full of pomp and passion, with all these catchy, pop-y choruses that make you wanna sing along at the top of your lungs while racing through the city with windows down (yes, okay, I'm harkening back to Infinity on High, but "Bang the Doldrums" is one of my favourite songs ever, so...) Poignant and tragic or breezy and giddy or maybe sometimes just a little bombastic, but with style. It also is a preview of some of the internal conflict over creative control that led to their hiatus, and the lyrical and stylistic changes from the albums that came after it ended. You can almost divide FOB's sound into Before Folie a Deux and After Folie a Deux (others will argue that Infinity on High marks that change. I think it has a lot more in common with what came before than what came after, but that's just me. I could alternately see their career as 3 distinct eras with 1 being PR/EOwYG, TTtYG, FUtCT, 2 being IoH and FaD, and 3 being everything post hiatus thus far, but I digress even further...)

But there are so few artists out there that create an album with such a mishmash of songs and pull it off. I mean, the rock opera anthems, power ballads, funk, 60's and 70's pop and rock influences, and whatever the hell "20 Dollar Nosebleed" is (other than absolutely delightful, especially with Brendon's vocals in there merging beautifully with Patrick's)--ragtime? IDEK?

There's so much in these lyrics, from the self-aware struggle for authenticity given their wealth and fame ("Disloyal Order of Water Buffalo": imperfect boys/With their perfect ploys/Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy). Pete's self-destructiveness, tempered by impending fatherhood: ("She's My Wyonna:" The only thing suicidal here is the door/We had a good run/Even I have to admit/Life's just a pace-car on death/Only less diligent/Hell or Glory/I don't want anything in between/Then came a baby boy with long eyelashes/Daddy said, "you gotta show the world the thunder!"), and maybe bitterness over the mockery made of his suicide attempts ("West Coast Smoker:" Don't feel bad for the suicidal cats/Gotta kill themselves 9 times before they get it right.) The politically invective ("20 Dollar Nosebleed:" The man who would be king goes to the/Desert the same war his dad rehearsed/Came back with flags on coffins and said/We won, oh, we won). The absolute tragic (All of "27," really, but starting off rough with, If home is where the heart is/then we're all just fucked/I can't remember.) And the just plain fun ("w.a.m.s.:" My head's in heaven/My soles are in hell/Let's meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well, and the absurdly whimsicality of "20 Dollar Nosebleed's chorus," Ba ba ba ba Benzedrine, bla bla bla Benzedrine/Ba ba ba ba ba Benzedrine, ahh.

I understand how scary it can be as a fan of a particular musician or band when their sound changes. I get it in a very profound way I'll touch on later in a different post, because this one is getting out of hand. But if we insist on our artists never changing, then we're just going to stagnate right along with them. Growth and change can be painful, but it can lead to beautiful things. Folie a Deux was Fall Out Boy going through growing pains, as individuals in their personal and professional lives, and as artists, both together and separately. I am as thankful for it as I am for everything they've created and shared with us. Even the few songs of theirs that aren't to my tastes. Either you accept that you aren't interested in authenticity so much as playing to your expectations, or you can't yell at them about betraying you.

#fall out boy #folie a deux #pete wentz is the lyricist of my heart #and Patrick the singer #even if I don't always understand what Pete means #or what the fuck Patrick is saying

[catflowerqueen]

Musings on the Torterra Guild

I always like to believe that the things you do on the last days of the old year/first day of the new year sets the tone for how the rest of the year will go. Hopefully that holds true for me, and the next year will allow me to have a good balance of work and fun—along with time to write.

 On that note… for today’s edition of “Ramblings and thoughts that consume me and make me want to write them even though I already have many other WIPs and actual Real Life things I should be working on instead,” have some thoughts about the Torterra Guild that has been mentioned/alluded to in some of my other works.

 And I’m probably also going to spend a little time working on some of those other WIPs (though probably not Déjà vu today—at least not right away), so maybe expect some first chapters for some of my other “What if…” series ideas soon. No promises, though.

 Happy New Year!

     The Torterra Guild is structured a lot differently than the Wigglytuff Guild is, and they start training young. The thing about their training, however, is that they divide the sorts of things they teach based on age and experience. It’s run a lot more like a boarding school type deal, compared to the Wigglytuff Guild. Whereas you get more one-on-one type instruction/training on the job immediately in the Wigglytuff Guild (emulating the type of “instruction” that Wigglytuff got from Armaldo), the Torterra Guild actually has multiple different classes/courses that one takes, each with its own teachers. Think of it as a little bit like the school in Serene Village from Super, if a bit more broad and intensive (because, really, that school definitely seemed more focused on “how to explore without dying” than what one would expect from a school, especially because the pokemon world does seem to have a sort of society, what with the shopkeepers, policemen, post office, bureaucracies, and I’m pretty sure that Super had its own cinema equivalent). Their end goal is also to produce explorers who thrive when it comes to long-term exploration, rather than the short-term ones that the guild focuses on, since most of those can be completed within a day (Again, this hearkens back to Wigglytuff’s days with Armaldo—since obviously Armaldo would need to make sure Wigglytuff/Igglybuff made it home every evening so his parents wouldn’t come looking for him, thus blowing his cover). Obviously the Wigglytuff Guild does dabble a bit in the long-term stuff, given that they regularly go on expeditions, but they’re much more focused on smaller explorations—or gaining the strength needed to essentially plow through all their enemies and explore in an almost speed-running fashion as compared to what everyone else is doing.

      As such, a lot of the early years at the Torterra Guild are focused on teaching things like life skills—sewing, medicine, tool-making, foraging, etc.—as well as book-learning, so that they can learn things like navigation and map-reading, ciphers, history… things that would make it a bit easier for them to make connections and uncover hidden secrets. This is why Paula knows how to read footprint runes—not only did she often ask to see what Ricky was up to and the sorts of assignments he had whenever he would come home for a visit (which was actually semi-regularly, since the Torterra Guild isn’t quite as strict on that as it is more long-term) but he isn’t the most organized and would sometimes accidentally send his assignments home instead of the letters he meant to send. Also, Paula always knew she wanted to be an explorer, and wanted to get a sort of head start when it came to learning how since she assumed that it’s the sort of thing every explorer had to know, since her early exposure only came from the things Ricky was learning. Also the fact that the Torterra Guild was pretty nearby, and maintained a wide network of explorers due to how large it was and how many apprentices it had—and the close ties all the graduates kept with each other since it had been such a large part of their lives for so long—so most of the explorers passing through the nearest town were graduates of the guild. They actually have courses focused on building webs of influences/alliances/information as well, since being away from civilization for so long would necessitate maintaining friendships and ties with allies so that you could be assured of the ability to find help even when in some obscure places—whether because those friends would be willing to team up together for a time as they explore, or simply because more friends means more chances to just randomly run into someone you know as you explore farther afield. Also, if you actually teach people how to make friends and interact with others, then it means people will know how to keep doing that even when they’re on their own. This is part of why Ricky’s flirting skills have gotten markedly better over the years, even though he wasn’t learning specifically how to flirt. The Wigglytuff Guild, on the other hand, might encourage people to be friendly to anyone they come across (“Smiles go for miles,” after all), but they don’t specifically teach their recruits how to interact with others or make friends/allies, nor do they have any networks set in place. Sure, they get a lot of strangers and teams coming to the guild—sometimes including famous ones like Team Charm, Dusknoir, and Ricky himself—but many of those groups only come because the guild itself is famous, or because they know somewhere there personally. In other words, they want to use the guild’s name or meet/find one specific person rather than trying to foster any real ties with the people training there, even though that does, of course, happen. It’s just that it’s a happy coincidence/consequence rather than the initial intent.

       Regarding “serious” training that involves going on actual explorations… that wouldn’t happen in the Torterra Guild until around age 16 or 17—so roughly the age Paula is around the beginning of Déjà vu. Even then, one would need to pass a lot of examinations and supervised practice runs first. This is why Paula’s parents had no problem letting her go off to become an explorer at such a young age. They’d already gone through it with Ricky—he’s between 8-10 years older than Paula is, and they actually made him wait a little bit to join, so he got a later start than many of the other Torterra recruits, since they weren’t sure about the whole thing yet. But once he’d joined and they started learning what it was like from his letters, they deemed it actually pretty safe, and that their initial fears were an overreaction. Since they’d also lived by the Torterra Guild for most of their lives, they—just like Paula—assumed that it was pretty standard for the way all guilds were run. As such, even though it was a bit far away, Paula’s parents were ultimately okay with her going to the Wigglytuff Guild because they assumed she’d still be stuck learning at a desk for a few years (and they/Ricky’s team may have given her an escort to the town itself and then left her to make her own way to the actual guild, rather than let her travel so far on her own before she’d received any actual training). This, by the way, is why Paula was so surprised and upset by how mundane the Drenched Bluff assignment was. In her experience, when a guild sent you out on a mission without oversight from an older guild member/one of the teachers or staff, it was for some sort of serious exploration—more like the Waterfall Cave assignment—and it was because they deemed them fully prepared to explore on their own. Having those small jobs—with no oversight even in the choosing outside of those first few days—be their own teaching assignments just wasn’t something Paula was used to. Neither was the fact that they would actually see any money from these assignments—all payment rendered from services at the Torterra Guild was handled by actual accountants and bankers. The students never saw any of it themselves, though portions of the earnings were set aside in order to pay for their tuition and most of their supplies. After graduation, there would either be a yearly fee they would pay for maintaining their permits/badges/whatever, or there would be letters to the alumni requesting donations—much like colleges here on Earth. But they would have to deduct that themselves from their entire earnings over a longer period, unlike how the Wigglytuff Guild takes its cuts per job. Part of this is because the Torterra Guild doesn’t have a job board posted up for any explorer to take a look at, unlike the Wigglytuff Guild does. Since the Torterra Guild directs all its apprentices during training, much of the income afterwards comes any treasures found on explorations which were planned of the graduates’ own volition based their research, or from jobs which are exclusively available for the purview of Torterra Guild graduates or which they just happen to come across on their own—and unless they go to someplace like the Wigglytuff Guild or other Federation approved locations, these requests might not be properly vetted—leading to instances like I’ve already talked about with Armaldo. Of course, part of the training in the Torterra Guild focuses on how to actually vet those requests and make sure they’re legitimate.

      But not everyone knows about the inner workings of the Torterra Guild. It might be one of the big names as far as guilds go, but to those not in the know, the expectations and experiences of the recruits are rather secretive, and the way they work can be rather confusing and misleading to the rest of the world. In comparison to the Wigglytuff Guild, the Torterra Guild is a bit more selective about who they let join in the first place, since they dedicate a lot of time and energy to the preparation. There are actually two different tracks when it comes to the guild. One is the actual explorers track, and one is just basically a school—because those life lessons are useful for everyone, not just explorers. So it is possible to join just for the life lessons, with no expectations of becoming an explorer. A lot of people do that—Paula and Ricky’s parents included, most likely. It’s just that some of the lessons are explorer-track exclusive, and you can only get into those if you do really well on the more public portions—which are more like a day school. So when Ricky was just starting out, he would get to go home every day/every weekend/every two weeks (depending on exactly how far away the clearing that the Sparks family calls home is from the guild). The classes are also a bit less intensive. But once it was determined that he had the skills and ability to become an actual explorer, he was offered an exam to take in order to join the explorer track. If Paula had joined the Torterra Guild, she likely would have been allowed to join the explorer track immediately—or at least much sooner, and they would have kept a closer eye on her progress than they did with Ricky’s initially—due to her connection to Ricky and the fact that he was a proven explorer. Since she was his sister, it meant she would also probably excel at it, right? Or she would at least have had a bit more heads up and preparation due to the fact that he maintained close contact with his family through letters even though he wasn’t allowed to visit home as often. Heck, they probably just sent the written portions of their exams straight to her house once they heard that she was interested in becoming an explorer. But the very fact that a lot of this attention was given to her solely because of Ricky is what made her wary of joining—as she mused in my recent online snippet.

      This two-track system is why people get confused about exactly how the Torterra Guild is run, since, because of the distinction between those guild members who learning to be explorers and those who are simply taking some of the lessons on life skills—they don’t necessarily realize that all of it is run under the same heading, and that everyone taking classes there, regardless of what track they’re on, is still technically a member of the guild. The fact that the Torterra guild has multiple buildings, each headed by a member of the Torterra family (although not all family members are necessarily actually torterra), also doesn’t help much unless you are already in the know, since everyone, regardless of the track, has to spend time taking life skills classes, often as a mixed group with the other track, and those classes typically take place in one building whereas he more “serious,” exploration based classes exclusive to the explorer track take place in another one. This means the difference between being a graduate of the life skills portion and the explorers portion is typically as minor as saying one was an apprentice versus just being a graduate—since only the graduates of the explorers portion get to use the term “apprentice” rather than merely saying “member” or “student,” kind of like how anyone who has earned a PhD can use the term “doctor,” even not all of those doctors graduated from a medical field. Unfortunately, since this is so outside the norm of the way the rest of the guilds in the world operate, it means that a lot of people only see that secondary building for the explorer-exclusive classes as being the “real” guild, and, thus, assume that only the classes undertaken there comprise the “real” training that the guild offers, even though that is very far from the case.

      With the exception of Wigglytuff (whose experience as an apprentice was way, way outside the norm for multiple reasons—although there probably are many cases in which an explorer will take on a solo apprentice , or sets of them, rather than maintaining an entire guild’s worth the way Wigglytuff ended up doing), most of the pokémon in and around the Treasure Town area are more used to a guild which runs the way Wigglytuff’s does—an apprenticeship which can span multiple years, yes, but one without a lot of book-learning, and with more hands-on experience that results in a bit more of an eclectic skillset that varies from graduate to graduate. Most of the “life skills” that one learns as part of the Torterra Guild are expected to have been learned before joining, or it’s at least expected that the apprentices will have the responsibility to ask someone at the guild for help honing a specific set (for example, Chimecho actually has a good relationship with Chatot and Wigglytuff that is closer than a lot of the other apprentices because even though she did come in with a lot of skills—like cooking and sewing—she also specifically asked Chatot to help her learn more about nursing. Something that Sunflora also eventually decides is a good skill to have, mostly because of the things she and Chimecho talk about as roommates, which is why she started to learn as well and is thus the one to be administering medical attention during chapter two of Missing Scenes, even as she comments that she isn’t nearly as skilled as Chatot is). As such, prospective apprentices are generally expected to be in their late teens before joining (Diglett may have been a bit of an exception, depending on how long he and his dad have been part of the guild, but the fact that he came with his father changes the rules a little bit, as it means he had more direct supervision from an actual parent who was and is still actively involved in raising him… even if his obsession with the ocean means that Diglett has lately been the more responsible of the pair). So even though apprentices of both guilds only really start doing serious explorations in their late teens, because Wigglytuff’s Guild doesn’t have the same mandatory “life skills” training period that the Torterra Guild does, this is why everyone assumed that Laura and Paula were simply on the younger side of that spectrum—maybe 15 or so (in other words, Paula’s age at the time of The World’s Treasure)—upon joining and are so surprised by the revelation that, no, Paula was only a teenager through a technicality (since she hung around for quite a while before actually joining the guild, even though she left home when she was about twelve) and Laura was literally a child—eleven years old exactly at the time of joining. But despite that, the two still managed to graduate in a little over a year.

      Paula didn’t really think it was all that strange at the time since her exposure to the Torterra Guild meant that she still equated the idea of guilds with schools, and assumed that if an authority figure such as Chatot was sending her out to explore in the way that he did, and as early as he did (from her perspective, at least), then it meant that he thought she was more than qualified to go out like that—she may have thought it was a little odd that she didn’t at least get a quiz about her abilities first (because how else would he have known that? Could he tell just by looking at her?), but she would have chalked it up to differences in guild management. She may have also assumed, looking back on it, that the Drenched Bluff assignment was the placement exam. Since she and Laura completed it so easily, it just meant that they were automatically fast-tracked to the upper levels of classes/learning—if they had failed, then they would have been placed on the slower route. And in a way… she wasn’t exactly wrong? After all, given Bidoof’s special episode we know that he was put on a lot of milder assignments and didn’t really get to go out to dungeons yet—and even when he did, they sent him out with Sunflora so that she could act as his guide and teacher.

      …Come to think of it, that entire special episode may have been why Chatot immediately started their training by giving them an actual assignment off the job boards. His experience with how antsy Bidoof got—to the point where he would actually go out and do something as reckless as he did in his special episode—may have made Chatot think that he was being too cautious and overprotective, and that he should give these newcomers a shot at something more serious first. As Wigglytuff said after the Perfect Apple incident (but before he realized it meant he wouldn’t have any Perfect Apples to eat for a while), everyone fails sometimes; and like he told Bidoof in the aforementioned episode, failing and learning from it is how one becomes stronger. So if Team Rainbow had failed that first assignment, it would have been no big deal; someone else would have completed it later to help Spoink, and the girls would have learned that they weren’t quite ready to go on assignments like that, and would have (hopefully) been more willing and patient than Bidoof was when it came to actually learning and training, especially if Chatot modified his approach a bit. It’s just that… they didn’t fail. And they kept succeeding until the whole Perfect Apple incident—and even then, that was because of outside interference rather than necessarily being a reflection of their own skills. And even if it had been because of their lack of skills, the fact that Wigglytuff let them go on the expedition anyways, and that they did so well there, just meant that they were fast learners and improved quickly. Which… they are, its just that people expected that most of their skill came from age and practice rather than because they were, essentially, prodigies who had been thrown into the deep end. So in that case, it’s rather lucky that Paula was so interested in preparing ahead while she was little, and that she did spend a lot of time in Ricky’s shadow (as much as she dislikes the idea), and that Laura’s crazy life meant that she retained the knowledge of a lot of important skills, even if she can’t consciously remember learning them. It meant that even though they didn’t acquire all the skills they would have at the Torterra Guild, that they at least knew enough that they could get by as being only a little under average for the typical expectations of newcomers to the Wigglytuff Guild, and also that they were more willing to be more proactive in asking for help learning new skills—yes, even Laura for how quiet she was about it. Though in her case it may have been more that people watched her trying to emulate them and then took pity on her more disastrous attempts and decided to offer help… or she reminded them of siblings or people they knew growing up so they just naturally inserted themselves into her life out of habit. Or they didn’t manage to catch her watching them, but she still managed to learn from observation anyways. After all, it’s amazing how many people don’t think to look up, even if they can feel eyes watching them from somewhere…

      All this to say that if anyone had actually bothered to ask her or Laura their ages once they joined the Wigglytuff Guild, their approach to their training would have been a lot different. They may or may not have even let them join at all—on the one hand, their methods are geared towards older pokemon, but on the other hand refusing entry would still mean Paula would have to traverse the long distance to make it back home on her own (which, yeah, she obviously made it to town just fine the first time and has been successfully living on her own ever since, but no one is going to be happy at the thought of a child being in those conditions despite her apparent successes so far—and even if she did have an escort, unless she manages to clear up the misconceptions that everyone has about the Torterra Guild, then they are going to assume that whatever guardians she had were extremely neglectful when they allowed their twelve-year-old to wander off and try to join a guild) and Laura literally has nowhere else to go at the moment—and she probably wouldn’t have even known her age, and may not have even had a guess or bothered to devote any introspection to that specific matter, rather than her identity as a whole. Her upbringing was strange in general, and her concept of what childhood consisted of would have been extremely skewed, for a multitude of reasons. As I’ve said before—if in Déjà vu Jirachi had de-aged her to the child version of her current incarnation, things would have been a lot darker from the onset and more upfront about how terrible her childhood was, rather than the vague implications that something wasn’t quite right that the childhood of her first incarnation is going to exude by the end of the story. They probably would have assumed she was around the same age as Paula, though. Or even if they did think she was older—because, again, her upbringing make her act older than she actually is, even subconsciously, simply because she hasn’t had any real experience with what childhood typically entails—the fact that she’s an amnesiac who doesn’t necessarily understand her needs as a treecko would definitely have given them pause and led them to seek out some professional help, rather than the vague attempts that Wigglytuff tried/is currently trying to give her in-game—because he definitely realized that she needed help, but he didn’t quite realize how dire the situation actually was because she’s so competent/used to acting older than she actually is, and that means no one quite realizes that a lot of her talent came from a combination of being a legitimate prodigy in certain areas, the fact that the Dimensional Scream ability gives her insight into things that she otherwise shouldn’t be aware of (which she then shares with Paula, obviously), and the fact that a lot of her skills were hammered into her as a child for some very unfortunate reasons. So even if they didn’t let the two of them join right away—though they would probably tell Paula that she could come back and try again in a few years—they would still feel obligated Laura as their ward/tried to find someone who could take care of her for a while like they did with Walrein and Manaphy (which would probably mean that they ended up sending her to Sunflora’s aunt/found a sceptile or other Grass-type who could literally teach her how to be a treecko if she ended up divulging her former species). And depending how that particular conversation with Paula went as far as why her guardians allowed her to try and join a guild at age twelve, they may feel obligated to make Paula their ward as well.

      (Incidentally, despite his own rocky upbringing, Grovyle also thought she was older than she actually is, and only part of that is due to the fact that he had no prior experience with humans, so couldn’t really gauge her age well. He knew that she was younger than him, but didn’t realize by quite how much until literally a few moments before Celebi sent them into the past that first time.)

      But if they did allow the two to join anyways (or if they made them their wards with the assumption that they would join for real when they were older), depending on exactly how the Wigglytuff Guild would have modified their approach to teaching the two of them, they may have actually thrived very well. After all, Paula went in expecting that she would spend a long period of time on book-learning and chores—it was only when she learned that she would be thrown out into the field immediately that she got upset at how “boring” her first assignment was. And the fact that she actually studied footprint runes—among other things—of her own volition bodes well for how she would have fared under such a modified schedule. She enjoys all aspects of exploring, after all, the learning and preparation as much as the actual activity. Learning is its own sort of exploration, in a way, as trying to figure out how things work and how to decipher things is its own sort of mystery, and gaining new knowledge and skills is its own reward. This approach to training also would have been much the same sort of thing that Laura would have expected as a typical member of Relatia’s people (And especially as a typical nascent Rainbow Child, though she wouldn’t have been aware of that aspect at the time), since their lifestyle is obviously more centered around life in a society rather than life as an explorer—although depending on what type of job they do, they may end up in more dangerous situations where knowing things like foraging would be extremely important and helpful—so much of their training involves things like learning languages and their culture’s history, as well as some specific education on religious ceremonies and the like. Again, she has no prior conceptions of what she’s supposed to be doing because of her amnesia—and her subconscious would be telling her that this is the sort of life that she is supposed to be having when time and space are working as they should, her guardians aren’t horrible people, and she hasn’t been kidnapped by a legendary pokémon. She would only really get an inkling that something is wrong when the effects of Temporal Tower’s breakdown started becoming more apparent, and even then she wouldn’t necessarily know what she is supposed to be doing—only that there is something wrong that she should maybe be doing something about. Of course, by that point the outside forces of Dusknoir and Grovyle’s shenanigans would have forced her into some sort of action, if only because of the disruption it would cause to guild life. As well as the fact that she would specifically be targeted once either of the two of them finally clued in to who she was.

      Anyways, the point of all that is that Team Rainbow probably wouldn’t have gotten as desperate as Bidoof got in his special episode because they either had no prior conceptions of what guild life is supposed to be, or because the modified approach is more in line with what they would have expected anyways and they wouldn’t have found it strange or been more wistful than envious when everyone around them was getting to do the cool exploration jobs while they were stuck back at the guild learning how to cook or repair ropes or whatever. And neither of them even thought to wonder or comment on the guild life that they got in canon, because the reality either exceeded their expectations and they didn’t think to mention what their initial expectations had been for them to have been exceeded so thoroughly, or because, again, they had no expectations going in.

      These sorts of issues may or may not prompt some people to try and make communication and transparency among the various guilds more of a priority, or to at least invest in some better informational pamphlets for their own guilds, in order to prevent such miscommunications again. It may also lead some people to wonder if these sorts of miscommunications are why so many guilds have high drop-out rates, especially from pokémon who travelled from farther away in order to join. It will definitely prompt Chatot to start asking about ages of prospective recruits, however, or at the very least to seriously consider the possibility of an entrance exam, because even though things worked out fine this time, there were definitely some exceptional circumstances leading to those successes—and even then, there were multiple times where things could have ended very, very badly for either of these kids. Not to mention all the unnecessary stress the two still endure from time to time.

      Incidentally, Jirachi doesn’t really understand things like relative ages, bureaucracy, or what, exactly, goes on in a guild—otherwise he may have tried to send that dream about the Wigglytuff Guild backlit by stars to a different, older, explorer-hopeful. Then again, even he doesn’t necessarily have full control over his powers and the way they work at all times, especially for more complicated wishes, or those outside his area of expertise (think of the way in the Jirachi movie that he granted the wish about snacks—pulling them from a snack cart rather than creating them from nothing, likely because of a combination of it being less costly in terms of energy as well as not knowing anything about the human economy/money). And also, there was so much going on at the time and so many different factors/forces involved that it’s hard to know exactly how much influence he had anyways. The dream was definitely because of him—but who’s to say he was actually the one to decide who to grant it to?

#pokemon mystery dungeon #explorers of sky #writing #fanfiction #what if...? #the world's treasure #missing scenes #headcanons

[og-peach]

I got this anon in my ask box that was extraordinarily angry and spiteful and full of vitriol. They insulted myself and several others in their anon, as well as tried to tear down my self-confidence by comparing me to more popular blogs and then calling me a freak. I considered attaching this to the anon and posting it so you all could see the what I am commenting on, but decided not to as I don’t want the other people they decided to rage on to possibly get hurt by it. So you get the gist of what it said, it can basically be summed up to “your blog sucks, your friends suck, your name sucks, you suck, you wish you were as cool as these people but you’re not, you are a freak.” On the off chance anyone legitimately wants to know their exact wording, pm me, and I’ll send you a screenshot.

I thought about how I wanted to respond, and decided to wait to respond so I don’t say something rash out of anger that I’ll regret later. I know you shouldn’t respond to anons like these, but then I thought about the other people who might also get anons like this and take them to heart, how I might have felt if I’d gotten this when I had shit self-esteem, so I wanted to write this post because of that. So hello, angry-anon, here’s what I have to say to you.

First of all, wow, really? Did that help? Do you feel better? Did attempting to tear me down make you feel better about yourself? I hope it did, cause it did absolutely shit for me.

Second, you seem to be under the impression that I think I’m better than you. While I do consider myself above asinine posts like the one you sent me, I don’t consider myself inherently better than anyone. I’m socially awkward, weird, completely oblivious at times, and frankly a mess. I am by NO means better than anyone, and I acknowledge and accept that.

I also don’t think my blog having some popularity makes me special. Frankly, I’m not sure why these people are following me. When I made this blog I expected like, 2 people to actually follow me, and that’s cause I was already interacting with them semi-regularly when I was biggest-gaudiest-fish’s peach anon. That’s where my name comes from, by the way; bgf gave it to me when I was THEIR anon, since I was the first of several anons that started sending them peach emojis and I decided to keep it when I made this blog. I don’t actually think I’m some sort of gangster or anything. That all being said, I have said before and I’ll say it again, I am greatful for every single one of my followers, beyond what I can say. I appreciate those who think my silly ramblings are worth following and responding to, more than words can express.

Third, let’s address your complaint about my blog itself. If you don’t like my blog, I’m not gonna make you stay. There are multiple ways to leave my blog depending on the device you’re using and the method you accessed my blog, use them. Hell, if you REALLY don’t like me, block me and you won’t ever see my posts again. I don’t demand your patronage, and after your rather appalling post I rather don’t want it. There are “close to 441.4 million blog accounts” out there, I more than welcome you to peruse the other ones to your heart’s content. Simply because you don’t like my blog DOES NOT give you the right to try and tear me down. It gives you the right to leave and move on.

Fourth, the fact that you posted this as an anon, and thus took any possibility of an actual conversation and discourse away, completely takes any weight away from your words. If you want me to seriously consider your complaints, vague and nonspecific as they currently are, talk to me in a manner I can repeatedly respond to. Post in a way I can post back and know you will see it and can respond to it in kind. Respond to this post with another post or a comment, do a regular ask that isn’t as an anon, make a post on your blog and mention me as @og-peach, or even do it over chat if you wanna do it in private (which I doubt, considering you used my ask, but hey, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). Otherwise? I don’t care, and will forget you promptly.

Also, if you try to respond to this with another angry anonymous ask, I will immediately delete it and promptly forget it. There will be ZERO response from me a second time if you try this shit again. This goes for ANYONE who tries to pull this shit. Either say your complaints in a way I can respond to, or I’m ignoring you.

Fifth, if you have a complaint about me, don’t bring other people into it. There is absolutely NO reason to try to tear down those who interact with a person simply cause you don’t like the person they talk to. If you have a complaint with me, I am the only person you should be talking about. Period, end of sentence. No “if”s, “and”s, or “but”s.

-

I hope you read this angry anon. I hope you know that I read your vitriol and venom and walked away both unharmed and willing to have a honest discussion with you if you have the courage to initiate it. If you have a legitimate complaint beyond “you suck”, I’m willing to hear it. I can’t guarantee I’ll be willing to do something about it, cause I’m not gonna make myself someone I’m not in order to make others happy, but I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. But hey, at least you’ll have the chance to actually make a change, and I’ll have the chance to have an honest discussion. It’s win-win, angry-anon. So come on, indulge me! Take a leap!

No matter what you choose, wherever you are, I hope you have a great day and a good life angry-anon. Maybe then you won’t feel the need to tear down others to make yourself feel happy.

————————

To anyone that also gets post like these? They don’t matter. No matter what they say to you, they don’t matter. I know, I know, they are hurtful, and cruel, and vicious, and it can be awful. But guess what? The people that send them? They don’t have the courage to even message you in a way you can respond back. They are COWARDS, and you have proven to be stronger than them by virtue of actually putting yourselves out there with every post you make. The people who send you these hateful messages and don’t have the courage to actually let people respond to them are not the ones you should let hurt you, because they don’t matter. The only ones who should matter to you are those who love you, and treat you with respect. If they don’t do treat you right, then they don’t deserve you. You deserve better than the angry anons. Remember that.

All that being said, there is no shame in blocking those people out. If they are harassing your anons and you want it to stop, it’s perfectly alright to turn off anon asks. (You have to do it from a desktop browser, you can’t do it from your mobile app just yet.) Or just turn off your asks altogether if you need too. If people harass you and you know their username, feel free to report and block them. There is zero shame in taking care of yourself, and if that means cutting the hateful people out, then feel free to do so. Just cause I’m choosing to interact with an angry-anon doesn’t mean you have to.

— OG-peach

#anon #angry anon #straight talk

[sonderei]

I got bored and answered one of those 100-questions things so if you ever wanted to know a stupid amount of useless information about me read on, otherwise enjoy whatever content is in the next post!

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify

is your room messy or clean? my room is a mess, the rest of the apartment is pretty clean

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? its grown on me. I used to get teased a lot in school “hey Ariel, where’s your best friend Flounder??” but now I work on Disney property and it’s on my name tag so I get to make a lot of kids (and adults) happy

what is your relationship status? been dating a small mess of a person for 4 years, whom I love dearly 

describe your personality in 3 words or less basically a cat

what color hair do you have? brown, or like a really dirty blonde if I spend enough time in the sun

what kind of car do you drive? color? a black 2013 hyundai accent hatchback (named Jazz)

where do you shop? where I shop: target, forever21, H&M, BoxLunch, Garage where I’d LIKE to shop: ModCloth, ASOS

how would you describe your style? I once bought an oversized Polariod windbreaker and I wear it everywhere I can??? I also love passive aggressive crop tops (”no thanks”) I wore it to a mandatory meeting at work at 9am and any time my managers asked me a question I just pointed to my shirt. So idk that should tell you something

favorite social media account I think I enjoy Instagram and Tumblr equally?

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? one full brother (5 years younger), one half brother on my dad’s side (13 years younger), and one half sister on my mom’s side (18 years younger). 

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? idk because I haven’t traveled anywhere I’d actually like to live. I love the idea of living northwest US (Seattle, Portland) or in NZ or like Scotland or somewhere with beautiful scenery but like...never been so can’t say for sure?

favorite snapchat filter? flower crown

favorite makeup brand(s) NYX is pretty much all I use but I also do like bare minimum with my makeup

how many times a week do you shower? typically every other day unless I’m super gross

favorite tv show? too hard. Steven Universe, Game of Thrones, A:TLA, and Adventure Time?

shoe size? 7-8 depending on who makes them

how tall are you? smol. Like 5′3″ or so? 

sandals or sneakers? sneakers, unless going somewhere involving water and/or sand

do you go to the gym? nah. I’m up and down stairs at least 20 times a day, usually while carrying stuff. that’s my exercise.

describe your dream date sitting in front of the Ocean Voyager exhibit at the Georgia Aquarium all day. like literally that’s it. and my date lets me without asking to move on, and ideally enjoys it as much as I do.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? uhhh like $25 because that’s how much you have to have to open a new bank account which I’ve been meaning to do for like two weeks now

what color socks are you wearing? not wearing any, but I was wearing shark socks all day

how many pillows do you sleep with? just one, super soft and squishy

do you have a job? what do you do? I'm a server at a restaurant in Disney Springs at Walt Disney World. Its challenging and often frustrating and stressful but I get to meet some really cool people so it evens out. (Pat Sajak from Wheel of Fortune was in last week, I didn’t ask him if I could buy a vowel because I have some dignity)

how many friends do you have? like true friends, would drop everything for me if I asked them / needed them to? I’d say 3. But my social group is like...maybe 10 people? That I actively try to hang out with semi regularly.

whats the worst thing you have ever done? I honestly don’t even know. I forgot a woman’s ketchup last week at work and apparently I ruined her entire Disney vacation so

whats your favorite candle scent? usually anything with jasmine, so long as it isn’t overpowering

3 favorite boy names Nathaniel, Sebastian, Milo 

3 favorite girl names Riley, Maisie, Phoebe

favorite actor? robert downey jr probs

favorite actress? tessa thompson?

who is your celebrity crush? ugh. tom holland, tessa thompson, rdj? 

favorite movie? Spirited Away or Howl’s Moving Castle

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to, before I worked at a bookstore. For some reason that killed my love for reading. But favorite books were the Bartimaeus Trilogy and Abarat.

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? Skip (long story short, its a Cabin Pressure reference because I’ve always wanted to be a pilot)

how many times have you been to the hospital? for myself? 5? maybe 6?

top 10 favorite songs in no particular order Evolve by Phoria Put ‘Em Up by Priority Cleopatra by The Lumineers Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man Miracle by CHVRCHES Dissolve by Absofacto Taro by alt-J Lavender by Two Door Cinema Club Dinosaurs by The Maccabees Ambling Alp by Yeasayer

do you take any medications daily? nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) ehh a bit on the oily side

what is your biggest fear? losing the ones I love

how many kids do you want? NONE ZERO NADA ZIP ZILCH FUCK NO

whats your go to hair style? pull it back, messy bun if possible

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) a p small apartment (but not tiny, I think it’s like 800-900 sq ft)

who is your role model? Steve Irwin

what was the last compliment you received? a guest at one of my tables told me I looked like one of the recent Bond girls

what was the last text you sent? bailing on a few friends who were going to Blizzard Beach because I was exhausted from having my dad in town for the last two days so I wanted to sleep

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? like 2 or 3. not very old

what is your dream car? realistic? a nice Subaru or Audi. Maybe a Tesla unrealistic? bugatti veyron

opinion on smoking? cigarettes? ew gross not around me also poor life choices weed? don’t care, just not around me please and thanks my other half is allergic

do you go to college? I did, graduated two years ago, still haven’t done anything with my life / degree

what is your dream job? anything working directly with animals, especially marine mammals, big cats, or non-venomous reptiles

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? big city. right in the middle of it.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? not usually, I have specific stuff I use for my hair that’s a lot nicer than the stuff at hotels

do you have freckles? not like a ton but yeah

do you smile for pictures? if I feel like it? also depends on who’s taking the picture

how many pictures do you have on your phone? I’d say somewhere in the realm of like 650-800?

have you ever peed in the woods? yep, used to go camping a lot as a kid

do you still watch cartoons? hell yeah, I usually prefer them to anything else. Steven Universe, Adventure Time, Voltron, A:TLA, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends...that shit is my jam

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? mmmm Wendys but I usually don’t get c nugs from anywhere

Favorite dipping sauce? chick fil a sauce or ranch

what do you wear to bed? just underwear

have you ever won a spelling bee? no but I came close in middle school

what are your hobbies? not many tbh. I have a few reptiles that I take care of. I collect / trade Disney pins. I love swimming but don’t do it all that often. Uhhh...seeing how many times I can ride Kilamonjaro Safari in a row before the cast members begin to judge me?

can you draw? not really, no

do you play an instrument? nope, I can’t even read music and I can barely hum

what was the last concert you saw? uhhhh...I think Death Cab for Cutie and CHVRCHES?

tea or coffee? tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks for drinks, Dunkin for food (donutssssss)

do you want to get married? yeah, eventually. I told the SO that ideally before I’m 30 and that we’re not having a wedding but we’re gonna elope instead because fuck weddings I don’t have the money for that or the patience to plan it

what is your crush’s first and last initial? not really a crush but more of a “current-and-potentially-forever life partner” but DU

are you going to change your last name when you get married? no idea. D wants to change their last name but idk if they’d take mine or they’d just change it to their middle name and then I’d take that? honestly it doesn’t really matter to me each way so long as I don’t get their current last name (because of bad associations)

what color looks best on you? no idea honestly. I prefer dark, muted blues?

do you miss anyone right now? my parents and siblings, and two of my best friends

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open, otherwise the cats would never let us sleep

do you believe in ghosts? nah, not really. I grew up in a town that had a bunch of history and by extension ghost stories, so it was more a part of “tourist culture” than something that seemed legitimate to me

what is your biggest pet peeve? I never know until someone starts doing it around me. but uhhhh I hate loud chewers, people that refuse to even try to see your side of an argument, and when you’re sitting somewhere in public like on a bench or something and there’s plenty of other empty seating options nearby and yet someone comes up and sits RIGHT NEXT TO YOU nope you know what that’s it I fucking hate that and it happens to me all the time at Disney

last person you called` I think my mom?

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies and cream, unless I’m at one of those places where you can basically make your own flavor in which case I will ALWAYS do a rose-infused ice cream with pistachios 

regular oreos or golden oreos? please don’t make me choose

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow!

what shirt are you wearing? not wearing one ;)

what is your phone background? just a basic stock photo of some ferns. kinda boring but I like simple backgrounds

are you outgoing or shy? its pretty even but if I had to say one over the other I’m probably slightly more outgoing than I am shy.

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people I know and allow. don’t just come up and start playing with my hair unless you KNOW that I’d be okay with it

do you like your neighbors? haven’t met them! we moved in like a month ago but we still haven’t seen anyone that lives on our floor

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? if I remember, but honestly I’m really bad about doing it unless I’m in the shower in which case it’s every time I take a shower

have you ever been high? nope

have you ever been drunk? sadly no. I have a ridiculously high natural alcohol tolerance, so I get sick to my stomach before I can even manage tipsy.

last thing you ate? pizzaaaaaaa

favorite lyrics right now idek and that’s a lot of effort so sorry here’s me “free pass” I’m using it on this question next

summer or winter? ugh winter always I can’t stand the heat there’s only so many layers you can take off

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk or white. milk for straight eating, white for flavoring other things

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign leo!

who was the last person you cried in front of? my significant other

#I was bored #fite me #in case anyone ever wanted to know what I do for a living #or what my favorite songs are #or what color my eyes are #now you know

[aion-rsa]

Nancy Drew Season 2 Episode 3 Review: The Secret of Solitary Scribe

https://ift.tt/3pQKM0U

This NANCY DREW review contains spoilers.

Nancy Drew Season 2, Episode 3

Ever since Nancy Drew decided that ghosts are real back in its very first episode, the series has had to walk a fine line: Make its supernatural baddies genuinely scary, but not so much that they overshadow the rest of the show. “The Secret of Solitary Scribe” is a great example of when that balance works – combining multiple legitimately scary sequences with solid character work.

As the clock ticks down to the Drew Crew’s Aglaeca-foretold death date, Nancy and her friends get desperate, in more ways than one. George and Nick deal with their fear of dying by obsessively apartment hunting and trying to have sex. Bess searches for a loophole. Ace decides to spend what may be his last Shabbat with his father. And Nancy sets her sights on tracking down A.J. Kitsune, the surviving member of the group of teens who last summoned the vengeful sea spirit back in 1975.

What she finds…doesn’t exactly bode well for her own future.

In the 44 years since his friends died, A.J. has indeed reinvented himself as a successful author. (Of horror stories, naturally.) But that’s because he has a lot of real-life content to draw from: He’s survived by using a charm that summons the worst possible spirits to him every day, monsters so dangerous that they keep the Aglaeca at bay. A.J.’s alive, sure, but he’s not really living. And he’s being regularly visited by a shrieking horde of grabby hands zombie ghosts that seem to pop through his walls and floor with abandon.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Despite all that, he still never figured out how to stop the Aglaeca, and she has never stopped trying to collect her due toll. Are Nancy and friends doomed to the same fate in a best-case scenario? Truly, this subplot is wildly dark – A.J. is clearly very damaged, and not just by the fact that he’s been haunted by monsters for most of his life. He’s still obviously struggling with his guilt over the accident he and his friends caused and the life they took, not to mention the one they bartered with the Aglaeca to save. (He finally wrote the vision of his own death he’d been carrying for decades into his final book. That’s hardcore messed up!)

One of the best things about this season so far is that it hasn’t asked Nancy to become someone she’s not, just because she’s suddenly discovered her life isn’t what she once thought it was. She’s as prickly and pushy as ever – even more so than usual at times – and clearly lashing out at everyone around her because she doesn’t know what to do with everything she’s feeling. Or even what to call most of it.

She’s so angry with Carson she can barely talk to him, and has spent the season thus far generally avoiding him. Until she needs something. She’s aggressive and confrontational with bio dad Ryan Hudson, at least – again – until she needs something. She’s so desperate to break the Aglaeca’s hold on her and her friends that she steals a token from an equally desperate man, without knowing – or even asking – how dangerous it might be. Isn’t that the exact same attitude that sort of got them into this mess to begin with?

Read more

TV

Nancy Drew Season 2 Episode 2 Review: The Reunion of Lost Souls

By Lacy Baugher

TV

How Nancy Drew Succeeds as an Adaptation Where The Hardy Boys Fails

By Lacy Baugher

Nancy may be our favorite girl detective, but she’s not always right. She’s not even always admirable. And her behavior this week, well. She’s not being the woman Mister Rogers knew she could be a lot of the time, let’s put it that way, even if she does ultimately make it right in the end. Though I guess that’s the kind of thing that can happen when you have a literal specter of death hanging over your head. I truly want her to solve this mystery not just so she doesn’t die, but so she can finally take a minute to do some self-reflection.

For her part, Bess – shockingly, an avowed horror fan, who would have guessed? – wants to make amends with the Aglaeca, encouraging the group to return what they bargained for, apologize and hope that’s enough to reverse the curse. She’s done research and everything!

It’s not, of course, but the fact that Nancy ultimately came around to the attempt – to letting go of her birth mother’s bones in the name of making things right – feels like legitimate growth in its creepy, weird way. I mean, she didn’t know they were going to get rejected and thrown back up all over The Claw. (Though honestly in this town it’s probably something you should expect.)

At any rate, another episode is down, and Nancy and friends are another day closer to their own death visions. I’m pretty sure we already know that Nancy Drew is going to get them out of this somehow, but the question I keep coming back to is – at what cost?

Additional Thoughts

I really hope we go back to how Bess’ great-great-many-times-over granddad and his role in creating the Aglaeca at some point before all this is over.

This show needs so much more of Ace’s dad on it.

I love the revelation that Ace is Jewish, that his father converted upon marrying his mother, and they actually at least semi-observe. I’m also happy Nancy Drew is finally letting us get to know Ace on his own terms – but pretty soon I’m really going to need to meet his mom. Or at the very least find out his last name. (Which, in my wildest moments of fan speculation, I figure has to be something that rings a bell for those of us familiar with this fictional universe. Hardy, maybe?)

Ryan Hudson is buying groceries for Patrice Dodd – and he got her flowers? – my heart is not made of stone, y’all. (Though we need to talk about his terrible choice in facial hair at the moment. Yikes.)

Nancy inviting Carson and Ryan to help her say goodbye to Lucy Sable properly was extremely sweet.

Of course, the lady who runs the Horseshoe Bay Historical Society is actually connected to a terrifying monster that haunts the town’s shores. Who would have ever expected anything else?

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[solivar]

WIP: Matryoshka

A slice of life in Hong Kong.

Written for my dearest @exmachinus ‘ natal day. I’m afraid it’s going to have to be a fic in two parts, my fic-daughter, because my brain is running out of coherent sentences.

Hanzo Shimada was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, and, frankly, is was driving Jesse McCree out of his goddamned mind.

For a significant number of years Jesse had cherished a rather fixed idea of who and what Hanzo Shimada was: the sort of man who, at the behest of his clan’s elders, would murder his own brother, then turn around and abandon the whole lot of them to their fate when Blackwatch came calling to end their criminal empire, scampering out ahead of a whole can of asswhup, only to turn up years later as one of the world’s best and most sought after and highly paid assassins, with corporate robber barons, corrupt military officials, and the heads of at least two fairly nasty and dysfunctional states on his confirmed resumé. A coldly self-interested bastard, in short, who valued nothing more highly than the sanctity of his own admittedly very pretty skin and the resources necessary to maintain it in the fashion to which it had become accustomed during his brief stint as kumicho of the Shimada-gumi. That idea had calcified over the years and settled into the bedrock of his preconceived notions with nothing to alter or dislodge it -- particularly not Genji Shimada, the aforementioned murdered brother plucked more dead than alive out of Hanamura and reconstructed as a moderately psychotic cyborg killing machine with knives for ankles and a seething hatred of his brother matched only by his seething hatred of himself, and certainly not the years he spent on the run after the fall of the ‘Watches, trying to avoid the sort of attention that would shorten his own lifespan rather significantly.

At some point in there, though, Genji found religion. Or he found himself. Or he found religion and himself and, upon doing so, decided that he didn’t really want the brother who had wronged him so profoundly dead any longer. Jesse could respect that in a man. Revenge was the sort of vice that lacked any meaningful step-down program and learning that his dearest friend, his brother in all but blood, had decided to forgo it for his own emotional and spiritual good was entirely understandable. Less entirely understandable? When he found himself looking at a combination contractual/emotional blackmail agreement under which he found himself relocating to Hong Kong to act as the bodyguard for said stone-cold snake/coldblooded assassin brother.

The least comprehensible part of all?

The moment he watched Hanzo Shimada, startlingly hot ice-cold rat-bastard, hurrying across the lobby of the ritzy arcology complex in which they lived to help one of his little old lady neighbors with her shopping bags, a thing he seemed to do on the regular. Regularly enough that she greeted him by name -- not his real name, of course, but Kira Ishinomori, the alias he used to all his neighbors and to Jesse himself -- and patted his arm and called him a good boy and gave his hulking giant of an American boyfriend the stink-eye when he came over to help. Hanzo/Kira’s neighbors were more or less evenly split among those who thought that Jesse/Jesse was the best possible thing that could happen to their shy and withdrawn neighbor who clearly wasn’t actually a serial killer despite his weird habit of disappearing at random in the middle of the night and those who wanted him to walk off a balcony in the dark and fall thirty stories to his death because they had cherished some hope of setting said neighbor up with one or more of their grandchildren. Mrs. Takaguchi-Simmons was one of the latter and regarded him with baleful disfavor even as he helped hump approximately six thousand pounds of groceries up five flights of stairs because the lifts were acting up again.

Hanzo/Kira’s neighbors would, each and every one, flatly refuse to believe that he had ever been a gangster-lord, a brother-murdering kinslayer, or was currently a professional assassin, even if they were shown incontrovertible evidence to the contrary -- which, as a matter of fact, they saw at least semi-regularly in the form of elaborate ink because the man didn’t always wear button-down sleeves. Hanzo/Kira was the sort who, when he knew a neighbor or a neighbor’s child was sick, would turn up on the doorstep with a pot of warm okayu and another pot of tea and would sit with the invalid while they ate and do the dishes afterwards. Hanzo/Kira always remembered birthdays and anniversaries -- Jesse knew because Toshokan-in’s calendar was full of reminders -- and he always bought or made at least a card and usually acquired some small but appropriate gift, as well. Hanzo/Kira was respectful of and helpful to his elderly neighbors with the reflexive deference of someone raised from the cradle to honor his elders, even the immensely crotchety Old Man Zheng, who had been the leading proponent of the serial killer explanation for his erratic comings and goings and who had lost quite a bit of money in the arcology betting pool when Jesse showed up to disprove it. Hanzo/Kira could occasionally be found sitting on the balcony smiling wistfully over the antics of the neighborhood children and slipping them candy and small bits of spending money when their parents weren’t looking. Hanzo/Kira interrogated him with immense casualness about his likes and dislikes, the things he preferred and those he merely endured, somehow sussed out his birthday from that information and baked him a cake, bought him a box of his favorite cigars and a fifty year old bottle of bourbon, and watched a John Ford movie marathon with him as they snuggled down together on the kotatsu and got happily shitfaced on forty-thousand dollar hooch.

Jesse was having significant quantities of trouble believing it himself and he knew every bit of it was true. Had trouble since the moment they’d met, when Hanzo/Kira had swooped out of nowhere to literally step on the heads of obnoxious punks causing him grief and seriously testing his desire to avoid attention from local law enforcement. Had trouble since that first morning/afternoon when Hanzo/Kira had floated the obvious explanation for his sudden advent with the word lovers and then took to cultivating the appearance with enthusiasm and verve. Had trouble because nowadays he was waking up every morning with his arms and head and heart all full of him and, oh, was he ever fucked.

Flickers of the sort of cold he’d expected from the start showed through every now and again, but they were few and far between. The most obvious and most persistent was the spare bedroom he’d turned into a walk-in storage and manufacture closet for his weapons, protected from accidental access by its own security system, to which he’d only been permitted entry once, and he had come out with a cold shiver lodged in the base of his spine that had refused to thaw all day. Hanzo/Kira had not, to his knowledge, accepted any side contracts since taking him in, ostensibly to protect him from his numerous enemies both real and fictional. Jesse was legitimately unsure of what he’d do or say if he did, since at least some of the proceeds from that particular profession were fueling his current lifestyle, which involved eating delicious food prepared by a man who really knew how to cook, drinking the best class of booze he had enjoyed in many a long year, indulging his favorite old hobby (photography) and his favorite new hobby (lounging in the sun smoking and playing endless games of Mah Jong with two salty old men), updating Joel Morricone’s blog on a significantly more regular basis, and sleeping safe and warm in the arms of a man who could probably kill him with his toes alone.

(“How much of this comes from…” He’d begun to ask one day only to come to a halt when one of those flickers of cold happened -- Kira’s warm amber-brown eyes icing over and his face going utterly still and he knew he was looking on the last thing at least a few people in the world had ever seen.

“My day job?” Hanzo Shimada had asked, and the silky-cold smoothness of it had sent a chill rolling down his back. “Less than you might think. If it bothers you --”

“Oh no. No. I was just --” He reached over the breakfast table and caught his hand. “A li’l curious, is all.”

“Ah.” A little smile twitched at the corner of his mouth and a certain impish gleam came into his eyes and the cold was gone just like that. “To be honest, before I left Japan I extracted my entire trust fund and moved it into an anonymous offshore account. Genji’s, as well. Once matters settled enough to allow it, I laundered it through a number of different operations, and placed most of it in a highly diversified investment portfolio. I have been living off the proceeds ever since.” He picked up and nibbled at an apricot. “Honestly, the first goal of any Yakuza worth the name is extracting as much profit as possible from any enterprise in which he involves himself. You have no idea how close I am to being a CPA.”

“So, uh,” Jesse had asked, “why the killin’ people?”

“Some people deserve to die,” Had replied Hanzo Shimada and Jesse fell a little bit more in love than he’d been before.)

And, yes, he was in love. Deeply, fucking stupidly in love, with his best friend’s big brother, with whom he was sleeping nightly, chastely, platonically. And it was killing him. Killing him dead. It was not only that he was hotter than the photosphere of the sun, all warm golden eyes and silver-threaded black hair and regal aquiline features you’d find in paintings of Heian court noblemen and a body kept in shape through regular exercise that did not partake of the hellborn abomination known as jogging. It was not only that he seemed perpetually bathed in a gentle, intoxicating blend of cedar-cinnamon-sandalwood-spice that invaded the senses and worked its way into his dreams and likely was the sort of thing that would make men far straighter than himself seriously question their sexuality. It was absolutely not only the cooking.

It was a blend of all the things he’d show himself to be since he’d come into Jesse’s life, or Jesse had come into his, and Jesse was absolutely, one hundred percent certain that Hanzo or Kira or Hanzo and Kira recognized absolutely none of them, because the man could, transparently, only barely stand to live in his own skin.

He had come upon the knowledge, randomly and unexpectedly, in the dead of night, when he was woken from a deep and dreamless sleep by the desperate, pained whimpers of an animal with its leg caught in a trap. Or, at least that’s what he thought it was, as his mind swam up from the depths, and then crashed into reality, which was a cold spot at his side that Hanzo usually occupied and sounds that were half-words and half-not, emanating from where he lay curled around himself at the edge of the bed.

“Kira?” Jesse had asked, thoughts fuzzy and muddled with sleep and then, when some of what the man whispering, over and over like a panic mantra, made its way through, “Hanzo?”

He hadn’t responded, except to curl up tighter and sob aloud, words in Japanese he wished he didn’t know but did, from experiences similar. It had taken him awhile to bring him back down, with soft words and gentle touches, and in the morning he had still been quiet and withdrawn. Kira had spent the next few days making a good attempt at being the Best Human Ever, with not a single glimpse of Hanzo peeking through, not matter how alone they were. Jesse had spent them mulling over the knowledge that, even though Genji was alive and had granted his forgiveness freely, Genji’s brother didn’t think he deserved it and still dreamt of why. Spent even more thinking of Kira and of Hanzo and whether or not Hanzo realized they weren’t two different people, not a role and a real person, but one whole being, because nobody, no matter how dedicated they were to verisimilitude, actually bothered to make friends with other people’s kids unless he really enjoyed it, or made his best girl friend a medicinal rub to make her nasty asshole granddaddy less unbearable, or behaved like a basically decent human as completely and reflexively as he did without actually being one. Wondered if there were anything he could do to make him see it, or believe it.

*

#WIP Matryoshka

[thisisheffner]

Austerity, gentrification and big tunes: why illegal raves are flourishing | Music | The Guardian

It’s an hour after midnight on New Year’s Day 2020, and a stream of revellers is gathering in an alleyway next to KFC on London’s Old Kent Road. They pass between piles of car tyres and through a gap in a gate where a group, wrapped in hats and scarves, are taking £5 notes from each person who enters the yard of a recently abandoned Carpetright warehouse.

Inside, the lights are on and groups of partygoers are huddled in groups talking, waiting and smoking as a behemoth sound system and makeshift bar are constructed against one wall. Next door, in a larger abandoned warehouse that was formerly an Office Outlet, an even bigger sound system is being built.

There’s a sense of anticipation as the warehouse fills up with mohawked punks, tracksuited squatters, crusties, rude boys, accountants, graphic designers, students, and grey-haired veteran techno heads. Everyone has come together looking for the same thing: a night of loud electronic music and dancing without the constraints of a regulated night club. No closing time, no dress code, no age limit, no searches on the door.

In recent years, unlicensed underground raves like these, which are run by decentralised networks of soundsystems and party crews, have flourished across the UK as legitimate night clubs have foundered in the face of tighter licensing requirements and a population of young people with less disposable income.

In September, the drum’n’bass producer Goldie, who was awarded an MBE for his services to music in 2016, singled out illegal parties such as these as a key pillar of the UK dance music scene amid struggling clubs and increasingly corporate festivals. “Culture ain’t a thing you can put in a weekend festival,” he said. “Rave culture is thriving, but on an underground level. People want to go to fucking raves, people want to go to illegal parties.”

I played an illegal rave in a forest last night in Blackburn those kids are brilliant,there love for the music is pure! #dropjaw 🔥⚡️🙏🏼

Bryan Gee, another British hall-of-fame drum’n’bass DJ, started playing reggae at south London squat parties in the early 80s, when he was 16. Today, he is in his 50s and still plays occasionally at unlicensed raves despite regularly DJing for crowds of over 7,000 at legitimate commercial venues. “I’ve turned up to unlicensed parties over the last couple of years and been shocked by the numbers,” he says. “Some club nights spend a ton of money on advertising and can’t pull in anything like the numbers these events get.”

“Since the 80s the illegal rave scene has always been active on some level,” says John (not his real name), a member of a prolific London-based free party crew. “It’s no coincidence that the original boom in acid house free parties took place after a decade of Tory government headed by Margaret Thatcher. It’s still here now and the current political climate is one reason why it’s healthier than it’s been for a long time.”

The last couple of years have seen scores of unlicensed events across the country, from 5,000-strong mega-raves in Bristol warehouses, to three-day breakcore soundclashes on south coast beaches, to intimate psytrance parties in the woodlands of Lancashire, and multi-rig “teknivals” on Scottish wind farms. Like John, many of those involved in the free party scene believe that these events are becoming more important than ever amid the widening social divides, ongoing Tory austerity and creeping gentrification.

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The free party veteran and acid techno innovator Chris Liberator says that unlicensed raves are a way for people to take back control of their local areas, even if it is only for one night. “We are culturally in a place where normal people can’t control their environment at all,” he says. “I’ve seen the best pubs in my area turned into Starbucks – homogenous, big corporate high streets all with the same shops. There’s no space for people to live – let alone to throw events and have some fun on their own terms. There is very little cultural representation for anyone apart from the mainstream, and even the mainstream clubs are struggling to stay open.”

Police, though, maintain that these events pose “a significant risk to public order and public safety”, in the words of Metropolitan police service commander Dave Musker, who is the national lead for unlicensed music events. He describes them as “illegal, dangerous gatherings that encourage antisocial behaviour and are linked with serious criminal activity” and adds that organisers are changing the “structure” of their parties to “counter police tactics” (understandably, he refuses to detail these tactics on either side).

By 3am, hundreds of people have filled the dimly-lit warehouse. The giant sound system is thundering out a gut-shuddering set of bass-heavy jungle, and the walls are covered in an increasingly dense patchwork of graffiti tags. A heaving mass of ravers are thrashing and embracing on the thickly carpeted dancefloor in front of the speaker stacks. Around them are signs that say “20% off 1000s of carpets”.

People are risking arrest to create a space where people can come together, no matter who they are, in a country where social divides are increasing

In a era of austerity, the unlicensed rave scene offers people a low-priced alternative to legal clubs. But that’s not the main reason people attend, according to Sophie Duniam, one half of underground electronic music duo My Bad Sister, which started out MCing at illegal events. “It offers people a place where they can come together as a community without prejudice and without intimidation,” she says. “People are risking arrest just to create a space where people can come together, no matter who they are, in a country where social divides are increasing. What the Tory government, and all governments, want to do is to isolate people so they can control them. When communities are united they are stronger and they can’t be pushed around.”

Duniam says that the ability of clubs and festivals to provide a similar space for free expression has been curtailed in recent years due to more stringent attitudes towards licence requirements. Drug-related incidents have led to the closure of several clubs in recent years, including The Arches, which used to be located in Glasgow and had its nightclub licence revoked in 2015, after the death of an underage clubber. In 2016, London superclub Fabric also saw its licence taken away for five months, following the death of two 18-year-olds after taking drugs on the premises. It reopened in 2017 with stricter security regulations. “It’s like 1920s prohibition in America,” Duniam says of the legal clubbing scene. “When we perform at Fabric all of the punters are searched and have their passports photocopied before they are allowed into the club – and you can get chucked out for having a vape.”

Many believe the rave scene is filling a void left after a decline in grassroots venues, defined by the mayor of London’s office as those that focus mainly on music, and play an important role in local communities or as a hub for musicians. In July, figures revealed there were only 100 grassroots music venues in the capital, 30% fewer than in 2007. It’s representative of a nationwide decline: a government select committee report published in 2019 warned that the “closure of music venues presents a significant and urgent challenge to the UK’s music industry and cultural vibrancy”.

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The Bristol-based DJ, producer and record label owner Mandidextrous, who started her career DJing at free parties in the early 2000s in Buckinghamshire, says “the innovation that happens in the underground is what fuels the commercial scene”. She also believes that the UK’s squat party scene offers a unique space for people to come together. “As a transgender woman, I’ve been two different people in the rave scene, and I have been openly welcomed throughout the whole thing. You get every single walk of life.”

It’s 10am on the Old Kent Road, New Year’s Day. A flood of new people enter the former Office Outlet warehouse from another unlicensed event, which took place in an office block on the South Bank and was shut down after police seized the sound system in the early hours. As the pale morning light streams through the skylights, hundreds of ravers are dancing to a hardtek remix of DJ Nehpets’ Bounce, Ride. A man with a wild head of grey hair is cutting intricate lines through the peripheries of a crowd of a pair of roller skates, swooping inches away from a teenager asleep on the floor wrapped up in a large yellow “Store Closing” sign.

Since the original boom in acid house parties in the late 80s, the unlicensed rave scene has been the target of media scare stories about drug overdoses and violence, but many of those who regularly attend say they feel safer than when they attend legal club nights. “Parties take place without a problem every weekend,” says Duniam, comparing them with licensed events where “people are kicked out at four in the morning, or earlier if they have done something to piss off the security. If you are a teenage girl and you haven’t got money for a cab, and the trains don’t start running until six or seven in the morning, being thrown out can leave you in a very vulnerable position. This would never happen at most illegal raves where, because no one is getting paid to look after anyone, everyone is looking out for each other as a community.”

The police claim this utopian vision is false. In 2017, two people were shot when gunmen wearing masks let off semi-automatic weapons at an illegal party in Leyton, and over the course of 2014 two teenage boys died after taking drugs at separate unlicensed raves in London. The Met’s Dave Musker says: “The obvious public risk comes from unsafe derelict buildings, overcrowding and youths being exposed to alcohol and illegal drugs in an environment which encourages excess. The revellers at these events are often unlikely to report crimes, including serious sexual assault, due to the culture of taking part in an illegal activity. Young people under the influence of alcohol or drugs are also at risk of being victims of crime or violence as they leave the venue.” He maintains the police’s priority is “to protect vulnerable people”.

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This is all a gross misrepresentation, according to Mandidextrous. “I’ve been attending illegal raves for more than 20 years, attending hundreds of illegal parties, and I have hardly seen any violence,” she says. “Any I have seen has actually come from the presence of police. If you go down any high street on a Saturday night you see bar brawls and fights on the streets; if you go to a rave, no one is fighting. Everyone is there to have a good time. Occasionally you get a few bad people – but nine times out of 10 they are marched out of the rave as soon as they do something wrong.”

The rave in Carpetright at least passes off without incident: by 9pm, the last of the equipment is being packed into vans while a handful of remaining partygoers sit around a small fire in the yard of the warehouse. Some are discussing the Tory campaign pledge to change the law on trespass and give police new powers to arrest and seize the property and vehicles of those “who set up unauthorised encampments”. The plans have been seen as an attempt to criminalise Gypsies and Travellers, and could also have ramifications for the free party scene. “Even if the laws get changed raves will carry on in some form,” says one person. “There are too many crews and too many sound systems.” As if to illustrate their point, another white van pulls up, and another crew get out to clean up the venue ahead of their own party the following weekend.

This content was originally published here.

[giliidctrawangan]

padi idc gili islands

Any individual who has been to a Trawangan Dive test night will be comfortable with James, our quizmaster and one of the lead PADI Instructors at our jump resort on Gili Trawangan.

His story from office employment to jump god is a well-known story to a considerable lot of us in the plunge business. At a certain point, we as a whole chose to bid farewell to the standard nine-to-five so as to go out on a limb an into the universe of jumping. What's more, much the same as all of us, James has no expectation of regularly returning…

What was your past activity?

Subsequent to contemplating bookkeeping at school in Essex, I began my first occupation with a development organization in East London. I was 18 years of age at the time, padi idc gili islands  and I remained there for a long time. It was horrendous, extremely dreadful.

The day by day drive was generally spent sitting in somebody's armpit tuning in to some nitwit visiting trash on his versatile. The late night's voyage home was definitely on open vehicle, attempting to abstain from getting anybody's attention on the off chance that they had a blade and a demeanor.

To be completely forthright, I abhorred England. It was cool, exhausting and it rained constantly. On the off chance that my family didn't live there, I could cheerfully never step foot in the nation until kingdom come.

Not your most joyful minute at that point! So what did you do?

I set aside some dosh and booked myself on a multi month trip around Africa. It was an overland trek in a transport with a lot of others who were frustrated with this present reality. It was my first excursion outside of Europe so it was huge eye opener. We began in Cape Town and I figured out how to jump there. Be that as it may, blimey, it was cold. The water was 13 degrees – we needed to wear a 7mm semi-dry and I was all the while freezing! Notwithstanding this, it was an astonishing encounter and I kept on plunging all through excursion.

Lake Malawi was my first tester of making a plunge new water. Bunches of various fish and furthermore unique arranging was required in light of the fact that it was likewise height jumping. In Zanzibar I had my first make a plunge warm water and I couldn't accept the change it makes. I saw heaps of stuff – turtles and bunches of various reef fish. In the middle of, the excursion incorporated various safaris, wilderness boating, trekking to see gorillas, and so on. It was fabulous. What's more, for a half year, I lived in a tent and figured out how to make a fire, how to cook for the gathering and connected with my internal mountain man!

Did you head back home toward the finish of the outing?

In no way, shape or form! At the point when the excursion finished I traveled to Bangkok, Thailand and observed New Years Eve at a full moon party Koh Pha Ngan. Mental. Following a month or so of celebrating in Thailand, I advanced toward Borneo where I volunteered at an untamed life focus called Matang Wildlife Center. This included assisting with the orangutans, building walled in areas and heaps of trekking into the mosquito-invaded wilderness.

From that point onward, I cleared a path round the South-East Asia explorer circuit including Laos, Cambodia, Philippines and Singapore. I jumped at whatever point I found the opportunity. Specifically, Sipadan knocked my socks off. There was such a great amount of continuing during each plunge that I didn't have the foggiest idea where to look.

And afterward, did you head home?

Nah! I applied for a working occasion visa and made a beeline for Australia. I'd for a long while been itching to encounter life down under. As opposed to making a straight shot to Sydney like every other person, I went to Melbourne. I was concerned that Sydney would simply be London-on-Sea.

Furthermore, without precedent for what appeared ages, I found myself a legitimate line of work as a bookkeeper once more. It was the simplest method to gain some not too bad cash. After all the voyaging I had done, it was decent to appreciate a portion of the solaces of the created world once more. I had a decent gathering of mates that appreciated a beverage or two, so consistently was spent down the bar. What's more, at the end of the week, I would attempt to escape. On one event, I made a beeline for Cairns for a plunge stumble on the Great Barrier Reef, which was cool, yet not so much what I anticipated.

Did you proceed with your PADI instruction there?

As a matter of fact, it was en route home that I visited in Malaysia and did my next course in the Perhentians islands. I had arranged two weeks of chilling on sun-doused, palm tree lined sea shore before making a beeline for the UK. Be that as it may, I was exhausted following two or three days so I pursued my PADI Rescue Diver course with Emergency First Response. It was a fun course with heaps of individuals claiming to pass out submerged or suffocating superficially. I needed to tow a chunky person for what appeared miles. It was great exercise.

Is it safe to say that you were eager to be returning home after so long away?

You would think so. Be that as it may, actually no, not so much. Obviously it was decent to see loved ones. Be that as it may, the primary explanation I returned was on the grounds that I had come up short on cash, not on the grounds that I needed to come back to office life.

In any case, I got a bookkeeping work once more. I figured the time had come to grow up and prevent fleeing from duties.

Following three months in the activity, I understood I would not really like to grow up so I set aside up some more cash to go voyaging again and afterward quit my place of employment! Once more!

How could you get some answers concerning Trawangan Dive?

I did a Google look for 'making a plunge Indonesia' and the Gili islands sprung up. I messaged different diverse plunge focuses and the answer from the supervisor at the time, Amy, was the fastest and the most entertaining. That is all it took! I booked my flight the following day and a month or so later I landed on the island.

What's your opinion of the Gili islands?

At the point when I showed up, I was truly satisfied with my decision. It has the best parity of public activity and jumping of any island I've been to previously. Here and there you land in a plunging goal and keeping in mind that they are picture great, there's literally nothing to do at night.

In the event that you would prefer not to plunge the Gili islands (which would be damn disgrace) you could in any case do heaps of things – kayaking, sunbathing, swimming, horse riding, trek up a spring of gushing lava in close by Lombok, and so on. A few young ladies even sunbathe topless so it gives the folks a pleasant distraction between plunges!

How was your PADI Divemaster Course?

I really adored each snapshot of it. I had Philip as my guide and it placed me in an advantageous position for the remainder of my plunging profession. I helped on loads of various courses from – Discover Scuba Diving, Open Water Diver, Advanced Open Water Diver and Rescue Diver courses. Each Divemaster's most loved is the help on a Rescue Course – blacking out, shouting, vomiting, dying, freezing! Such a significant number of chances to channel my inward busybody!

I've seen you in a reasonable hardly any ensembles since you showed up…

I do cherish an outfit party! I've been dressed as Tarzan, a school young lady, a go-go artist, the Hoff, and a lot more other than. What's more, who can overlook the high school freak ninja turtles? That was for my snorkel test toward the finish of my Divemaster course – another psychological night I can scarcely recall!

How did the discover PADI IDC?

The two weeks passed by so rapidly in light of the fact that we were so occupied. I was under the impression we would be secured in the study hall constantly, however there were such a significant number of workshops, we never appeared to be out of the water.

I think I astonished many (counting myself) with my insight improvement introductions. My Essex highlight is a steady wellspring of delight for the individuals I work with, yet in the study hall introductions, clearly I changed my articulation and turned into an amiable Englishman talking the Queen's English. It's never happened again since!

What's more, shouldn't something be said about the PADI Instructor Examination?

For my PADI IE, we went to Bali. The conditions were entirely different to those around the Gili islands. We had 5 meter perceivability and seething ebb and flow that made the vast water introductions kinda testing. In contrast with different gatherings there, we appeared to be greatly improved arranged and this appeared in the last stamps – I went without a hitch!

Thus you started your new life as a PADI Instructor…

At the point when I returned I assisted doing some jumping and afterward they offered me a situation as a perpetual plunge teacher at the plunge resort. Monetarily things are a lot simpler at this point. I can bring home the bacon without plunging into investment funds. Actually, I'm in any event, figuring out how to spare a piece too. I love educating and the assortment it brings. One day I'll be directing a Discover Scuba Diving session and the following day I'll be showing Deep Specialty or Enriched Air.

#padi idc

[jbuffyangel]

Misfire: Arrow 5x13 Review (Spectre of the Gun)

This isn't going to be a typical review because, honestly, I don't even know what to do with this episode.  (Thanks for the gif suggestion @lipstickandwifi)

Let's dig in...

Everyone except Thea Queen

Back in the day, when television shows had "very special episodes" it served as a time out. The show would depart from their usual format and address a serious issue in present day society. For example, a "friend" would offer Punky Brewster drugs, forcing her to stop joking around and face a crisis. She would wonder what to do until Mrs. Reagan showed up at her front door to tell her, "Just say no." Mrs. Reagan would provide a concrete avenue to address Punky's problem and a solution to them as well.  All's well that ends well. We could go back to our regularly scheduled slapstick comedy routine next week.

"Spectre of the Gun" isn't that. Television has evolved past the kind of “very special episodes” I described above, but that doesn’t mean the endeavor is always successful. While I admire Arrow for attempting to address a relevant social issue, the episode fails on multiple levels for me for multiple reasons. It is uneven, contradictory, and characters acted out of character to become mouthpieces for political ideologies. I don't feel Arrow adds anything new to the discussion and, even worse, I don't think they offer any solutions as we move forward.

Is Arrow the right show to address gun violence? Well... yes and no. Certainly yes because gun violence is so prolific on the show, but also no for the exact same reason.  As James Edlund begins shooting up the mayoral office, and the camera closes in dramatically on the carnage he leaves in his wake, I found myself asking, "How is this violence any different than the violence we've seen in the other 112 episodes?"

The answer is simple. There isn't any difference, but this is a "very special episode" of Arrow, so now they are going to address it as an issue. But next week we'll go right back to dropping bodies with guns.

So, I do take issue with Oliver Queen hopping up on his moral high horse about gun control. I don't think he is the right character to voice that side of the debate. In anything it should be Oliver who is the silent character, while perhaps other characters like Felicity (a victim of gun violence), could argue for the gun control.

Why do I say this? Because I watched Oliver drop 12 men, without a second thought, with a gun last week during a flashback. He broke someone's neck in the premiere. 

Oliver is a killer and he's embraced that side of himself again. He's going to kill when necessary and he will determine the terms of that necessity. Not the law. I've had a beef with this for awhile, so anyone who reads my reviews on the regular won't be shocked by this attitude. I find this whole "gray zone" particularly frustrating because Arrow willfully ignores an easily achievable middle ground: Lian Yu and the ARGUS prison that holds Slade. 

Why can't we use that again? Oh that's right. Because we're not at the end of the fifth season. Sigh.

"That's not your call to make."

Oliver argues with Edlund that despite his anger and pain he does not have the right to decide who lives or dies. The Green Arrow finds himself in a similar moral debate with The Vigilante after he guns down a criminal Oliver tied up and interrogated.

"I'm you. The only difference between us is I use a more efficient weapon."

Here's the problem. Oliver is making life and death decisions on a nightly basis. He has elected himself judge, jury and executioner. 

Is killing only okay when Oliver does it? Is he the only one who has the corner on life and death decisions? Isn't Prometheus’ entire beef with Oliver that he cannot see his own hypocrisy? Yes, of course, and that is the problem in "Spectre of the Gun." While Oliver is willing to address gun violence, he isn’t willing to address his own history of violence. When the hero makes you think the Big Bad has a point, you've got yourself a narrative issue.

Perhaps this is intended to push Oliver towards an enlightened moral code that he embraces at the end of the season once he becomes the Green Arrow. That's all well and good, and wholly welcomed by yours truly, but it doesn't make Oliver's perspective in "Spectre of the Gun" any easier to swallow.

My second issue is the contradictions. Edlund's family is killed during a mass shooting. He believes if Star City had pushed through the gun registry it would have protected his family. So... he shoots up city hall and the hospital to make it happen. WHAT??? 

Then, in his face to face with Oliver, it's revealed the shooter bought his gun legally, so there was nothing the city could have done to protect Edlund's family. His response is, "I know." Again, I say...

Then why is he going around shooting everyone? It makes absolutely no sense. If Edlund is mentally disturbed, then no gun registry or gun control law is going to stop him either.  His motives are illogical and contradictory thus rendering them, from a narrative perspective, pointless.

My third issue is with balance. Marc Guggenheim promised a fair and balanced debate. We listen to Curtis lecture Felicity about the wonders of fair and balanced debate. Arrow committed itself to presenting both sides of the issues.

I don't love guns.  I wouldn't have a problem if every handgun, semi automatic, automatic, etc. was confiscated. However, I am also an "originalist" (the constitution should be interpreted as closely as possible to the way America’s founders conceived it. ) Even though the 2nd Amendment isn't my favorite amendment, I recognize the right to bear arms. We don't get to pick and choose which amendments we follow. I've grown up around responsible gun owners, friends and family alike, who use guns for hunting and sport. These people are also ardent 2nd Amendment advocates and they have legitimate points of concern, as do people who are proponents of more gun control. 

However, Arrow did not present the "pro gun" argument tonight. Marc Guggenheim is an admitted unapologetic progressive, which is absolutely his right, but what is presented is the unapologetic progressive's version of the "pro gun" argument. This is an entirely different thing.

Essentially, “pro gun control” Oliver goes head to head with a city councilwoman who is for 2nd Amendment protection. Oliver is concerned with doing the right thing, while the councilwoman is more concerned with the political fallout (a not so subtle dig at the NRA and anyone who argues 2nd Amendment rights). While she argues 2nd Amendment protection, she never quite articulates those concerns in a concrete way. I believe Marc gave it his level best, but this falls short of the balanced realm.

"Spectre of the Gun"  is essentially a PSA for gun control. However, I don't think Arrow added anything new to the argument, which is a massive missed opportunity in my mind. Rehashing points made in other forums isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I was hoping there’d be a little more new blood injected into the discussion.

My fourth issue is with solutions. Arrow spent a great deal of time talking around the concept of a gun registry, but they don't really delve into any details on how this limits gun violence.

The entire point of Arrow, the entire reason Oliver is the Green Arrow, is because he believes the system doesn't  work. That's why a vigilante is required. 

“It does need to stop, and if it's not gonna be the courts and it's not gonna be the cops... Then it's gonna be me.” - Oliver Queen, “An Innocent Man” 1x04

Now that Oliver is mayor he is the system. So, I was rather interested in seeing what solutions he was able to come up with.

Keep in mind this isn't "Earshot" on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Buffy isn't talking Jonathan down while he holds a high powered rifle in the school clock tower. 

This isn't One Tree Hill when a student opens fire on the school. 

The entire episode takes place within the political construct of the mayoral office. The whole point is to see Oliver solve a problem as mayor. Marc and Wendy repeatedly said in promotion the concept is for Oliver to go an episode without wearing the Green Arrow suit. Although, he wore the suit, so color me mystified.

And then, we arrive at the climax, and what the episode has been building towards. Pro Gun Control Oliver and 2nd Amendment Defender Rene, come up with a gun control policy that protects people against gun violence, but doesn't limit the freedom of gun owners. Arrow beats its might chest because they manage to find a solution that serves both sides. Everybody leaves happy.

And the new gun control policies are...? And they achieve both by doing what...? 

No details are given. 

I read all the interviews before I watched the episode. I know Marc and Wendy were going for a nondescript, even debate, without providing any solutions. "Spectre of the Gun" is our Rorschach test.

Umm... or it was a freaking cop out. 

When the entire episode is built towards finding a political solution and then you fail to offer that political solution, that is an EPIC fail. 

This is a fantasy world. Make it up! If there is an easy way to achieve BOTH (gun control that protects 2nd Amendment rights) then PRESENT IT. Let some good come out of this. Throw it in the debate mix. Let's get it in front of Congress. Let's use this vehicle we call television to actually DO SOMETHING.

Here's why Arrow didn't present their mystical "everybody gets want they want" solution. It's not easy to achieve both. That's why this issue is so controversial. That's why this war rages on and on and on. At least when Punky Brewster said no to drugs, you understood how she was going to do it. Mrs. Reagan gave her the road map.  Sometimes she even brought visual aids. Arrow wants the neat bow, and feel good wrap up, Mrs. Reagan provided without actually showing the visual aids. Nope. 

If the audience isn’t meant to receive any easy answers, then neither should the characters. Instead, Oliver & company find the answer, but we don’t get to know what it is.

Perhaps, Arrow's intent is to simply spark the debate. This ties in closely with Curtis' lecture to Felicity about the necessity of healthy debate. I agree with Curtis. Healthy debate is a necessity and is the life blood of a democratic society. However, I don't agree that we've stopped talking to one another. I don't think Arrow needed to jump start this debate again. This debate has been waging for decades now. Talking isn't the problem. The problem is... we've stopped LISTENING to one another.

I didn't see a lot of listening on Curtis' part in that "debate" with Felicity. Rather, it is Felicity being lectured to. I don't necessarily think Felicity is the right character to represent the "talking about politics is impolite" group. A strong stance about gun control would have made a little more sense to me coming from Felicity, the person who uses weapons the least on Arrow, rather than Oliver.

However, Felicity can, on occasion, shut down and retreat. So, I didn't find it wildly out of character, but it is frustrating. Instead of being talked to, it feels like she was being talked at. Once again, it feels like Felicity is being silenced to prop other characters. The reason why many get particularly upset about Felicity is because she is the female lead of Arrow. We heard from Dinah, who has all of two episodes under her belt. We heard from random councilwoman. Yet, we didn't get a clear view on Felicity's perspective. She is the front and center female character on Arrow. Her silence feels a little illogical. In an episode that's all about characters' viewpoints, we'd like to hear from the primary leads.

That's not to say Felicity didn't have some legit points. She did. Healthy debate is all well and good, but it also has an appropriate time and place. That's not always the workplace for some people, or other environments in which they don't feel comfortable discussing something as personal as political views. This doesn't suddenly make them a problem. It doesn't suddenly make them less American either, which I felt Arrow implies by Curtis' lecture.

This debate is also prohibiting actual work from getting done. The work is more important than Curtis and Rene's differing views on guns and Felicity calling attention to this fact doesn't make her any less engaged or concerned about the issue.  

Diggle is also conspicuously silent too. He is too busy finding Dinah an apartment with a garden. Well, that is a crisis. Best get on that. 

I found this shocking as well. Most military people I know have strong opinions about guns. Does leaving two of three members of Original Team Arrow out of the discussion feel odd to anyone else? It felt odd to me. Perhaps this is a protective technique? They don't want to embroil some of their fan favorite characters in such a sensitive issue and risk alienating audience members? So they offer secondary characters like Curtis and Rene as sacrificial lambs? Perhaps. No real way of knowing.

I did enjoy Wild Dog. While some characters felt like they were taking a leave of absence from their bodies to become political mouthpieces, Wild Dog did not. His attitude and perspective made a lot of sense, especially when we see his flashback. Rene going for his gun in the safe is an argument I've had with many friends and family who keep guns in the home. I've always questioned the logistical ability to get to the gun and load it, when an intruder is in the home. Arrow did a good job of showing that.

That said, they lost me at the random bullet killing his wife. The argument presented is the bullet wouldn't have fired if Rene didn't fire his gun. It's an unbelievably heavy handed commentary on keeping a gun in the home in an already heavy handed pro gun control episode. Subtle isn't Arrow's strong suit, but this was bad even for them.

They've also left room for Wild Dog's exit without having to kill him. He could get custody of his daughter again and want to leave all of this "violence" behind to give her the safe environment he craves. We shall see.

While the attempt is valiant, ultimately “Spectre of the Gun” is a misfire for me. This episode is a massive pause on all character storylines and development. Hopefully, next week we can return to our regularly schedule programming. And the next time Arrow feels the urge to do a “very special episode” let’s just... not.

Thea Queen

I pledge my allegiance to Thea because she is QUEEN. Where she goes so goes my nation. Oh my darling girl, how I have missed you. Come here to me.

I live for Thea's insanely on point snark. 

Susan was the absolute WORST to Thea. So, she is well within her rights to believe Susan is shady. Also, Susan is shady. (Quit telling me she's not Arrow because she is.)

"She's a good at her job and she's a good person. So there."

I really can't even believe Oliver ended an argument with "so there." 

ARE YOU SIX? Feels like a Stephen Amell adlib.

If we're defining "good at her job" as using her sexapades with Oliver to investigate him, then Susan gets a gold star. 

While Oliver isn't comfortable leveraging his personal relationship with Susan for political gain, she has no problem leveraging their personal relationship for PROFFESIONAL gain. These two might want to have a talk.

It's a little mind boggling to me how Oliver willfully ignores the obscene conflict of interest with dating a reporter. Though, to be fair, on the list of stupid things Oliver has done, it doesn't even rank in the top 5. I can also recognize dating the exactly wrong person occupation wise is intentional on Arrow's part. Still, it's irritating.

Thea's unrelenting distaste for Susan, in spite of Oliver's increasing anger over her attitude, is pretty freaking fantastic. Thea respects Oliver's right to date whoever he wants. That doesn't mean Thea has to like her. I am pleased Thea is holding her ground on this issue. She's not interfering. She's not actively trying to break them up. Thea is just being honest and, as I've said, she has good reason to feel how she feels about Susan.

Thea is generally supportive of anyone Oliver dates, so I think the bigger misstep here is on his part. Maybe he should be paying attention to some of those red flags Thea is drawing attention to. Will there eventually come a point when Thea needs to zip it? Sure, but we're nowhere near that point. Nor do I believe Susan and Oliver will be together long enough to reach that point. Thea is essentially the audience's ambassador. She is us. We are Thea. She is our mouthpiece, so we can swallow the remaining few episodes of this Olicity roadblock masquerading as a relationship. Bless you Thea. You are doing God's work.

Stray Thoughts

I see no problem with the term Dragon Lady. Feels on point to me. Dragon Lady it is.

Curtis being the counterpoint to Rene’s perspective is a nice continuation of their evolving partnership. It builds off their opposite personalities, and their banter/bickering, shown in previous eps well.

Feel like Quentin could have remarked on Dinah thing. Cause it's a thing.

I liked that Oliver, and not the Green Arrow, talked Edlund down. It’s a step in the right direction. 

This line is exceptionally beautiful and shows how much Oliver has learned over the years. He’s starting to realize what a real legacy is about. 

How many Canaries has Diggle rehabilitated now? He should form an official non profit and take the tax deduction.

"So, we needed to find Dinah a place to live, but can someone tell me where OLIVER lives?" - @callistawolf asks the important questions y'all.

I liked Canaries (3x13) better. CANARIES Y'ALL. That's how much I disliked 5x13.

*** I questioned whether I was even going to write a review, primarily because this is such a hot button issue. My goal in writing it is simply to critique the episode and move on. Not ignite a gun control debate on the blog. If others want to continue the discussion in the comments, please keep it respectful. I will be moderating, but this is probably where I tap out. As always, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. 

#arrow #arrow spoilers #arrow 5x13 #arrow reviews #oliver queen #wild dog #curtis holt #arrow season 5 reviews #arrow season 5 episode reviews #season 5 episode review

[deviant-chant]

i saw you and wondered the chance of you becoming mine

Keith’s never been in love, but seeing Takashi Shirogane in the library among the stacks of books has Keith reconsidering what little he knows about the elusive emotion. It’s just that…Keith is Keith. He’s nothing special. Shiro on the other hand is their university’s golden boy with a bright future ahead of him. It would just seems a little too good to be true that Shiro would be interested in Keith, especially when he’s good friends with Dick Grayson, who’s gorgeous, clever, and alluring. Dick, however, has his eye on Jason Todd who inspires something unseen within him, something exciting and exhilarating. Either way, Keith just hopes Shiro wants him half as much as Keith does.

Two love stories; one experienced, another one only seen.

alternate reading here

Keith’s eyes were burning.

He’d crammed studying weeks of material into a night of productively that was all too common for him. Keith wasn’t a good student in a conventional sense; of course, he got his work done, passed his classes with the bare minimum of what he needed to achieve, and tried not to skip a class more than once a month. He might not be a shining example of the time smart and conscientious college student, but Keith didn’t rightly give a damn to be honest.

“Your face looks like it got run over by a fucking bulldozer, man.” Jason Todd teased as he came up besides Keith. He startled slightly, not having heard Jason’s approach, which was unacceptable and told Keith how out of it he really was.

Maybe pulling an all-nighter and chugging Monster energy drinks until his heart noticeably pounded inside the cavity of his chest hadn’t been the best idea he’d ever had.

Keith didn’t spare his friend a look as he continued reading up on Microbiology and Macroeconomics—both classes he had exams in today. Keith’s books were piled high in a semi-circle around him, and in the middle, was his laptop, sticker bombed to high heaven with bands Keith unironically listened to and liked despite Jason’s distaste for Bring me the Horizon and My Chemical Romance. The only band they could actively agree on when sharing a car was Fall Out Boy, and Keith supposed that simple similarity in good music was how they remained friends.

His eyes had a manic, red rimmed look to them as he tried continuing with his studies, but it was an uphill battle that he was steady losing with each stinging blink.

Jason whistled lowly with sudden understanding and as much sympathy as a guy like him could give, which wasn’t much. It was widely known how much of an asshole Jason was.

It was a wonder how anyone, let alone Jason Todd, could remain completely sane while going to school full-time, working a part time job, and still manage to have social life on the weekends. Honestly, it was a complete wonder how they were friends. Even on good days, Keith could barely function enough to keep himself regularly fed on a diet of Coke Zero and chicken and shrimp flavored ramen noodles.

“Goddamn Keith, how long have you been at it?” Jason asked, sipping at his coffee.

Keith hated Jason for that short moment, at how well rested and refreshed his friend looked, while he on the other hand probably smelled like yesterday’s BO. His hair was also limp with grease, sticking up in every which way as Keith had pulled and tugged at the roots in frustration when a question wasn’t easily solvable as he would’ve liked.

Keith sighed, recognizing himself as a mess.

“Since nine last night,” Keith murmured. “I took a couple of breaks in between to get some Monsters and piss, but that was pretty much it.”

Jason winced.

“When’s your exam?”

That was a good fucking question.

Keith checked the right-hand corner of his laptop screen, brows rising with false surprise.

“Oh. In fifteen minutes. That’s just great.”

Jason snorted, shaking his head with fond disbelief.

“You gonna even make it? You honestly look like a zombie, and that’s without the stench.”

Keith made a face. He flipped Jason off as sniffed self-consciously at his red hoodie, finding it to be…okay. It wasn’t horrible or anything; no nose hairs were going to singe when he walked into a room. He’d shower and take a nap after the exam was finished. He had a five hour break in-between today’s classes and thanked the lord for small mercies.

“Let me at least walk you.”

Keith agreed and began packing up his things with a subdued finality, hoping that his all-nighter had been worth the crippling exhaustion—that he knew a little more than when he’d begun. Keith at least hoped he did.

While Keith and Jason walked through the stacks towards the exit, Keith’s eyes caught and lingered on a set of broad shoulders and a wide back, admiring the muscles that no doubt resided underneath that thick crème colored cable-knit sweater.

The weight of Keith’s eyes must have been a tangible, heavy thing because almost as quick as he caught sight of the man, those eyes were turning, shifting onto Keith with his unkempt hair and frumpy appearance, and the stranger studied him up and down indifferently before he smiled empathetically at the bags under Keith’s eyes.

His attention turned back towards the book he’d pulled from the shelf, flipping through the pages, paying close attention to whatever he needed to find as his hand smoothed slowly down the page.

It was a shame, really when those eyes left him. Keith had never seen someone as attractive as the man, and those eyes on him had made Keith feel a spark of interest that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. It was both concerning and exciting, like being on a roller-coaster and feeling your safety belt give when you were upside down in a loop.

Keith could barely keep his curiosity contained as he elbowed Jason in the side, gesturing back towards the library with a lazy jerk of his head as if to seem completely aloof.

“Who was that guy?” Keith asked, trying to put a cool edge on the eagerness in his voice. “And why does he make that white streak in your hair look 10 times cooler?”

Keith snorted loudly when Jason had the gall to look legitimately offended.

“Oh, fuck you Keith.” Jason cursed, running a hand through his tuff of hair self-consciously. “At least I’m not rocking an 80’s mullet, loser.”

“Touché.”

***

Takashi Shirogane, Keith learned over the past few days, was the textbook definition of a star on the rise.

Honestly, it was kind of both amazing and sad at how Keith hadn’t heard of him despite Takashi being so integrated within the campus’s student life, but maybe that was the reason why. Keith had no interest in joining clubs or making friends.

Takashi obviously did not feel the same. He was an active participant in Student Government, the president of the Asian Student Association, and was the ace of the goddamn swim club.

He was everywhere and Keith was suddenly starting to notice.

“The whole school has a hard-on for him basically,” Jason said offhandedly as they were walking across campus towards the cafeteria. The wind was relentless, a biting chill that cut through Keith despite wearing layers upon layers and a thick wool scarf that covered the bottom half of his face.

Born and raised in Arizona, Keith didn’t fare too well with the cold. Keith ran on a permanent dial of hot it seemed. However, the Bachelor of Music program offered in Buffalo excelled anything that had been in Keith’s neck of the woods and moving, while daunting, had been a no brainer.

Even though Keith probably would never admit to it, the change in scenery had helped him a lot with his feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. They still lingered of course, but they weren’t as crippling as before in his small town.

Keith looked to his friend, wondering.

“So, does that mean you do too?” Keith asked, curious.

He knew Jason was openly bisexual, but had never seen his friend take an active interest in someone of the same sex. Keith often contemplated what kind of guy would make Jason Todd a blushing, stuttering mess, shattering that devil-may-care attitude. Keith would pay to see it.

Jason snorted and gave Keith a skeptical side-eye.

He was dressed in a red and white biker jacket, zipped up to his neck, and a dark gray beanie covered his studded ears. Jason didn’t seem to notice or care when random people passing by stared at him, used to the appraising looks. Keith got his fair share too—he knew he wasn’t a bad looking guy—but it always made him feel awkward and too-small for his body.

Keith had to resist the urge to give one his jackets to Jason in fear that he was going to freeze right down to his boots. He had to remember Jason was a New England native and was used to these brutal winters and dressed rather unwisely because of it.

Jason shook his head. “Nah, golden boy really isn’t my type.”

That threw Keith for a wide loop because Takashi Shirogane was attractive enough to shatter anyone’s “type” deviation.

Jason was just crazy.

Keith looked at the other man with narrowed eyes because that had to be utter bullshit. Keith wasn’t buying it. His gaze seemed to communicate that same sentiment and Jason threw his hands up in a defensive manner, eyes wide.

“What? It’s fucking true. He’s not my type.”

Keith threw his hands up too, but in an exasperated manner because this was it—he couldn’t be friends with Jason Todd anymore, it was final.

“How is he not your type?” Keith practically yelled, probably looking enraged by how the girl in front of them turned her head because of the outburst, then proceeded to quickly shift her attention to anything other than Keith’s passionate eyes.

Jason sputtered, tripping over his words as he tried coming up with an explanation that would satisfy Keith.

“Holy fuck, you gremlin. He’s just not,” Jason said, rubbing shyly at the back of his neck. “For one, he’s like…my size, maybe even bigger, and I’m just not into that. However, I can appreciate him on a purely aesthetic level, so I can understand your little school boy crush.” Jason teased with a shit-eating grin.

Keith scoffed at that wording—school boy crush—but he was fascinated enough with this sudden insight into Jason’s sexuality to ignore it.

He only knew Jason was into guys because of that one time, when they’d first met last year at a typical frat party and decided they were going to fuck, but then Keith had thrown his guts up all over Jason’s shoes and passed out right after in a heap on his floor. Keith had been lucky to find the one guy out of hundred that took care of him instead of making him into another tragic college statistic. He nursed Keith back into excruciating sober health and had even made him pancakes in the morning.

In Keith’s fucked way of making amends, he had even shamelessly offered his ass as a means of saying ‘thanks for not being a piece of shit, now he’s your reward’ without having to say any of that embarrassing spiel. Jason had politely declined the offer and they went about their day, finding that they meshed quite well as friends, and friends only.

Ever since then, Jason had only gone out with a few girls here and there, nothing serious. He didn’t talk much about what he liked and Keith was curious.

Currently, he was connecting the dots alarmingly fast, like a kid with a bright red crayon and a mission.

“So…” Keith drew out, deceptively light, thankful his scarf covered his self-satisfied smirk. “You like your boys smaller than you…” Keith deduced like a perverse wannabe Sherlock Holmes. “That tells me two things: you either like to completely dominate these guys or…” He left the implication to dangle in the air over Jason’s head like a carrot, watching the realization transform his face as the tips of his ears suddenly went red. “Or you like being dominated by them.”

Keith’s eyes indulgently took in Jason’s six foot two frame, bulky shoulders, wide chest, and narrow waist in a slow eye sweep and hoped in a pure platonic way that the latter was truly Jason’s preference.

Jason’s eyes went comically wide, hands coming up in half-aborted motions as if to cover himself from Keith’s prying eyes. He had a good laugh at Jason’s expense.

“You’re absolutely horrible,” Jason said weakly.

Keith shrugged without a care.

From there on they walked in companionable silence as Keith checked the time on his phone, along with his non-existent messages from his non-existent friends. Keith wasn’t paying attention as he neared the entrance and collided hard into a solid frame. Papers fluttered around their heads before several books tumbled onto the floor with a heavy crash.

Keith’s head shot up in mortification, uselessly trying to catch papers that fell right through his fingers.

“Shit,” Someone cursed. “This would be just my luck.”

“Oh shit, dude—fuck—I’m so sorry.” Keith said, crouching to pick up several Criminal Law textbooks and several papers that looked like complex, detailed essays. Some of the terminology Keith managed to spot was enough to make his head throb with on oncoming headache.

He looked at Jason out of the corner of his eye, wondering why his friend was just standing there and being completely useless. Jason would’ve at least helped a bit or would’ve called Keith an idiot or a klutz by now, but he was still as a steel pole on a windy day. It was odd, uncharacteristic behavior, but when Keith raised his head to hand several books back, Keith understood why Jason was utterly speechless.

The guy he’d bumped into was pretty, obnoxiously pretty, so pretty that it immediately pissed Keith off. His eyes were also distracting; a shade of too-blue that made his irises look like they were made with an intense kind of consideration, giving him an unnerving penetrating stare.

The man was dressed in a black turtle neck sweater and a deep navy blue pea-coat, looking like he’d just stepped out of a GQ photo shoot rather than attending class. He was sleek and lithe, delicate in a masculine way that inspired respect and attention.

Even though Keith had been the one to bump into him and was offering his things back, the man’s eyes had settled onto Jason and lingered before he shifted his attention onto Keith, which Keith saw took effort. Those eyes dimmed a bit when they turned onto him, but the man still kindly offered his thanks as he took the books and papers into the cradle of one of his arms and offered Keith his free hand to help him back onto his feet.

“Thanks, man. It’s no big, just be more careful next time.” The man said. Keith was sure that if it had been anyone else, he would’ve scoffed and rolled his eyes at the big brother tone that the man used, but it was honest and sincere and Keith couldn’t help the obedient nod of his head.

“Thank again,” He said to Keith kindly, but his eyes strayed to Jason when he said. “Hopefully I’ll see you around.”

“…Uh, yeah,” Keith said after a moment because Jason was still staring at him with this dazed, awed expression and it was embarrassing and awkward if the silence remained otherwise. With a subtle shove, Keith nudged Jason with his shoulder and only then did Jason nod his head, garbling out some abomination of a word that was a mix between cool and great.

The man laughed softly as if charmed by Jason’s nervous fumbling and the effect he obviously had on him. He bid Keith and Jason goodbye and strolled away with a noticeable pep in his step.

Keith’s lizard brain instinctively watched his hips subtly sway side to side and he whistled low enough for just Jason to hear. He turned expectant eyes onto Jason who was watching as well, except his eyes were lidded and his teeth dragged along his bottom lip with a low, appreciative sound.

“You wanted to know my type,” Jason began, voice noticeably breathy in quality. “There he just went. Goddamn.”

***

Keith didn’t see Takashi for two weeks after his first glimpse in the library.

There wasn’t a dire, all-encompassing need to see him, but the hope remained that Keith would somehow spot him from the corner of his eye and admire him from afar like everyone else probably did.

There was an eatery on campus that Keith was in the mood and had money for and walked the ten minutes to the stir fry joint that was nearly packed. Keith got his food and sat down at one of the few open tables that was slightly sticky, but Keith didn’t mind as he began to dig in, not having had breakfast before which consisted of anything he could find laying around; a granola bar, a bottle of orange juice, half a candy bar shoved down deep inside his backpack.

It was a decent meal for eight bucks—worth it, Keith thought.

Jason would be proud that he’d wasn’t chowing down on ramen noodles for a change.

Keith easily tuned out the chatty buzz of the restaurant with his own insistent thoughts about nothing and everything as he drifted on white noise. He tried not to feel self-conscious about eating alone as he noticed everyone else where in groups of two or more.

He checked his phone absentmindedly while he ate, re-reading the funny texts from Jason’s morning rage because he’d just been assigned a butt load of homework for the upcoming weekend and that interfered with plans apparently. After Jason ran out of his brand of colorful phrases, he’d reverted to using knife and fire emojis.

Keith wanted to feel bad for him. He really did, but it felt good to know Jason was like the rest of them—drowning in school work and deadlines.

“Hey man, I know this is kind of weird, but do you mind if we sit with you? We’ve kind of already met when you think about it.” An oddly familiar voice said.

Keith’s head jerked up, almost dropping his phone as he shortly fumbled with it. He felt his mouth gape as the pretty boy with the unnerving blue eyes that he’d run into a few days ago and Takashi Shirogane, of all fucking people, stared down at him expectantly, waiting for his response. Takashi stood some ways away from the table unlike his friend who sort of hovered over Keith, like he didn’t want to assume or put pressure onto Keith to say yes. A considerate guy.

Keith’s eyes darted quickly around the restaurant; the place had only gotten busier and Keith was sitting at one of the bigger tables that seated four.

“Uh,” His head swam for a response. “Y-yeah, no problem.”

As they sat down, Takashi right across from Keith, he hurriedly moved his items closer to him so they wouldn’t seem so big and obvious. He was suddenly self-conscious about this backpack, decked out in patches that he collected over the months that clearly showed his thoughts on several political matters, his love for 80’s movies like The Lost Boys and The Goonies, and his taste in music.

He caught Takashi staring and had the resist the urge to fidget.

“Rites of Spring are one of my favorite bands too,” Takashi said. “There was just something about the music back then that was just electrifying and inspiring—made you wanna go fight the government and set fire to corrupt institutions.” He softly brushed over one the patches on Keith’s backpack. He watched Takashi’s fingers, practically drooling over how beautiful and strong they were, at how delicate they touched Keith’s property. “I’ve never heard of this one through. They any good?” Takashi asked, brown eyes incredibly warm as he looked up at Keith and he felt himself being caught like a fish on a hook.

Keith couldn’t form words, not yet, so he nodded his head, swallowing down the huge lump in his throat and hoped the heat he suddenly felt wasn’t too visible on his face.

“Sorry, I’m forgetting my manners.” Takashi said as he collected a big, heaping bite on his fork. “I’m Takashi Shirogane, but everyone calls me Shiro.” He gestured towards his…friend, the pretty boy who had already began stuffing his face like he hadn’t eaten in years. “This is—”

“I’m Dick!” Pretty boy interrupted excitedly, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Yes, I know. Please hold off on the jokes. I’ve heard them all.” Dick good-naturedly teased and Keith didn’t know what to say, so he relied on the first thing that came to mind.

“God, I at least hope your last name isn’t Johnson.”

He was horrified, but then Dick snorted loudly, the power of it rocking his shoulders and Shiro in turn, laughed with him.

“I know, right?” Dick said. “The name of my birth certificate is actually Richard John Grayson, though. My parents have a wickedly sick sense of humor and the nickname just took. I can’t get rid of it now.” He shrugged like there was nothing he could do; however, it didn’t sound like he wanted to do much.

“What about you?” Shiro nodded at Keith, taking a bite.

Oh. Right.

Having the brunt of his attention was highly distracting.

“Keith. Kogane.” Keith said. “I know. Very basic, dry first name and then that little bit of ethnic spice hits you with, Kogane.” Keith tried for a smile when he realized he was being weird about his name. “Uh, nice to meet you both.”

Shiro smiled at him and Dick offered the same sentiment through a mouthful of food.

“Don’t worry, it’s a nice name. Has a nice cadence to it,” Shiro told him and Keith blushed, averting his eyes.

“Thanks.” He mumbled out.

They lapsed into comfortable silence as they traded conversation for eating.

Keith was too aware of himself, of his movements no matter how big or small. He almost sighed in relief when his phone vibrated in his pocket; Jason wondering where he currently was so he could come hang out. Keith tried to keep a cool calmness about him as he practically vibrated in his skin because Jason was going to freak.

me: i’m @ the stir fry place up the street…you’re gonna shit your pants when i tell you who asked to sit with me

jason: who?

Keith slyly took a picture, taking care to make sure the flash and the shutter were off and sent the picture to Jason.

jason: HOLY SHIT

jason: HOW THE FUCK

jason: WHAT THE FUCK

jason: IM ON MY WAY.

jason: IM RUNNING.

jason: PEOPLE ARE GIVING ME LOOKS

Keith cleared his throat, trying to mask the laughter that wanted to rack his shoulders.

He tried not to watch the door in anticipation, but then Jason arrived an impressive five minutes later, looking wind blow and rugged in his motorcycle jacket, looking like he just come back from an afternoon ride. He raked a hand back through his hair, smoothing down over his undercut as his eyes roamed the restaurant. His eyes sparkled when he spotted Keith’s table and waved with a two-fingered salute, a gesture Keith returned half-assed.

Shiro and Dick noticed and curiously turned their heads. It was both amusing and interesting to watch the full body shutter the racked over Dick’s back at the sight of Jason practically strutting up towards their table. Keith and Shiro seemed practically non-existent in that moment.

Jason caught Dick’s eye and held it captive before shifting onto Shiro, sizing him up.

Shiro did the same, but with a bit more delicacy, taking in their obvious similarities and differences.

Keith grappled for what to say.

“Uh, this is Jason. Jason Todd.” Keith began. “He’s kind of an asshole, but he means well…” Keith’s mouth took on a wiry twist. “Usually.”

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Jason greeted charmingly, unfazed. He coolly fell back into the seat besides Keith, picking through the food that remained on his plate. He apparently found nothing worth scavenging as he pushed the plate back into Keith’s direction.

“Jason, this is Dick Grayson and Takashi Shirogane.”

“But Shiro’s more than fine,” Takashi softly reminded him. It seemed like it was more for Keith’s benefit than Jason’s as their eyes met and held. Keith’s heartbeat sped up because of what he saw in Shiro’s gaze, a look that made Keith’s face heat and his body tingle, and he startled when Jason interrupted the moment with an amused snort.

Keith’s head shifted quickly in his friend’s direction, frowning when he saw Jason looking indulgently between the both of them, gaze heavy with implication and meaning. Before Keith could ask him what he found so fucking amusing about the situation and potentially embarrass himself further, Jason’s eyes fell onto Dick’s, completely ignoring Keith and Shiro like they were mere place mats set for decoration.

The other man hadn’t taken his eyes off Jason yet and Keith shifted, feeling like he was intruding on something private because they both oozed a particular kind of sex appeal and when that came together, Keith was sure it would explode.

He wanted to be far away as possible when it did happen.

“I’m being forward here, so forgive me, but you’re not dating him, are you?” Jason asked Dick, gestured to Shiro who’s eyes went wide. Keith was sure his eyes went wider though.

“See, this is what I meant about him being an asshole,” Keith murmured.

Dick only laughed, tilting his head in careful consideration.

“No, Shiro and I aren’t dating, we’ve never dated.” Dick began slowly. “Actually, I’m not seeing anyone now. How lucky for you…” He pointed to Keith. “Are you dating him? Dating anyone?”

Jason bit his lip and shook his head. “Completely free.” Jason proudly announced as the corner of his mouth quirked. “What’re you gonna do about it?”

A throat cleared.

“Should we leave? We can leave.” Shiro said blandly. It sounded like he was used to this kind of occurrence, that he was often the third wheel when Dick caught the eye of someone who interested him.

Keith sighed like he was suffering and put his head into his hands.

Jason and Dick just ignored them.

“Yeah…” Shiro began skeptically, eyeing them back and forth. “I’ll catch you later Dick. It was nice meeting you Jason.”

“See you tomorrow, don’t do anything I would do.”

“Yeah, catch you later, swimfan.”

Shiro paused at the nickname, then chuckled as his eyes turned onto Keith expectantly.

“I don’t know if you drink coffee, but there’s this really nice bakery two blocks from here that has amazing cappuccinos and croissants.” Keith was still reeling from the sound of Shiro’s laugh to truly understand what Shiro was about to ask him. “My treat, you know, if you’re up for it. I’ll have you back home before dark.” Shiro joked, shyly scratching at the back of his neck.

It didn’t occur to Keith that he was technically being asked out on a date. The presumptuous idea that Shiro might be interested in him almost made Keith’s head combust right there on the spot.

It took effort keep his voice calm and cool, retaining that aloof nature he was known for.

“Oh. Yeah, that would be cool.”

“Alright then, it’s a date.”

#sheith #jaydick #keith kogane #takashi shirogane #jason todd #dick grayson #fanfic #dc comics #voltron

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #78

“why are the children all marching into the desert to die?”

list your three favorite scents. lilac, uhhh and then cinnamon and coffee, maybe? how do you ground yourself or recharge? sleep, go online... comfort food? my #1 is definitely ice cream have you ever been on a laptop inside a vehicle? no while on the road, do you play any road games? not anymore are you scared of semi-trucks? especially when you’re driving next to one? AHHHH YES if you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice?  hell yeah! do you like screamo music? i do not. i want to be able to understand the words. like, they can even be in different languages, i don't care, i just want to understand clear words. what is the relationship between you and the person you last kissed? much to my dismay, there isn't one. if you could change your name what would you change it to? zoey, probably. have you ever tried weed?  no, and i have no desire to. how much effort did you put into your last relationship? way, way, way too much. are you a patient person? NOPE. do you have impulse control? DOUBLE NOPE can you use chopsticks? my tremors would never allow it. do you like the smell of gasoline? NO NO NO NO NONONONONO did you ever live in a house with more than one story? nope what’s your favorite fast food place? bojangle's what's your favorite alcoholic drink? i haven't tried many, but the best thing i've had thus far was a watermelon margarita thing. have you ever given yourself a tattoo? no, and i wouldn't. i'm very serious about the professionalism of my tats. do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or christmas presents? sure do! can you lick your nose?  nope. can you lick your elbow?  nope. would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home?  defs in theaters. do you still own any vhs tapes? do you ever watch them?  no, mom got rid of them all. what hobby have you always wanted to pick up?  hmmm. crafts. have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep?  no. have you ever had a penpal?  nope. do you put your shirt on or your pants on first?  pants are you afraid of spiders?  only if they are venomous or have extremely long legs in comparison to their bodies. have you ever been stung by a bee?  i haven't. do you enjoy board games?  no. what do you like on your burgers? (cheese, ketchup, mustard..)  cheese, ketchup, mustard, onion pieces, pickles how much water do you drink each day?  none. do you enjoy mario games? not particularly, but with friends, sure. has the last person you kissed met your father? he has. what’s your favorite breed of dog? akita inus, chow chows, beagles... do you swear in front of your parents?  i'm totally open around my dad, but i usually don't say "fuck" around mom. what would you do if you found out you were pregnant to the last person you kissed?  cry and probably become obsessed with the child's well-being, even while in utero. can you make yourself cry? i can't. what do you tend to drink a lot of? milk have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? yes, and i once woke up screaming. have you ever had to block anyone online? i've been actively using the internet since dial-up, whatcha think? are you scared of ending up alone? i'm legitimately horrified. are your pets asleep right now, if you have any?  i'm not at home, so idk. have you ever done three or more shots in a row? i've never done shots. favorite undersea creature? dolphins i think, but i also really like jellyfish and whales. seahorses, too. describe the darker side to your personality.  more than anything, i can be viciously jealous. i have an interior savagery, but just barely enough control to contain it. what makes a movie really enjoyable for you? creative, whimsical story and artwork, drama, and relatable characters. favorite type of bird? owls. favorite forest animal? deer! do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? absolutely not. what is your favorite video game console? why?  ps2 has the best games. do you like vanilla candles?  sure do. how many girlfriends/boyfriends have told you they love you? one, i think. juan might have... have you ever smoked a cigarette? no. who did you last share a taxi with? i've never been in one. do you vape? nope. do you enjoy the arctic monkeys?  i like two songs. where’s your favorite place to shop for clothes?  rebel's market. have you ever seen a mountain in person? i have. have you ever explored somewhere abandoned? i have. there's a shack and old house near my house that friends and i explored when i was younger. we got in trouble lol. have you ever found a four-leaf clover? i discovered a patch of four-leaf clovers the day after my dad left... (: would you rather live in a coastal town or a town closer to the forest? ohhh. can it be in the forest? are you lazy? i am, honestly. regularly burn incense? i used to. i need more sticks... who was your high school crush? i had a few. i was kinda interested in a guy named kyle, i really liked this boy sebastian, but my biggest crush was jason. are you cpr certified? no. who accompanied you to your first concert? mom, nicole, and jason. do you and your friends listen to similar music? depends on the friend. my best friend, no. do you believe in the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor? why or why not? no, because who says the rich don't deserve what they've accumulated? do you believe that animals are capable of “human” emotion? why not? it's very obvious that they feel emotion; now are their emotions the same as how we humans feel it, maybe not, but they obviously feel. who do you consider “family?” my mom, dad, ashley, nicole, katie, bobby, misty, a few aunts and uncles and uncles, colleen, chelsea, bradley, and despite having no relationship with him, jason will always be my family. could you sacrifice yourself for someone you barely knew? honestly, no. does the thought of having children scare you? horrifies me. i'd prefer to never imagine pushing a seven-pound human being out of my fucking vagina. xbox or playstation? playstation! have you ever asked someone out? i kinda-sorta initiated the asking out with aaron, but not exactly? when do you want to get married? i see 23 as an ideal marrying age, but there's literally no way that'll happen with me unless j comes back. did you like your middle school life? ACTUALLY fuck that. that's when my anxiety and depression started, and it was just... awkward and uncomfortable. have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? yes and no... maybe. like, with jason, i thought to myself, "wow, he's really weird" when i met him, but at the same time, i found myself thinking, "this guy's gonna mean something." what’s your favorite zoo animal? meerkats, on the rare occasion they have them. do you have any plans for tomorrow? skating! :D what’s your favorite part about the fall? the colorful foliage, omg! which scooby-doo character are you most like (scooby, shaggy, daphne, fred, velma, the monster, scrappy?) probably scooby or shaggy. what “group” did you belong to in high school? i resonated/made friends with mostly the goths, emos, metalheads... describe your favorite pair of pj’s. a black pair of pajama pants with a design of harley quinn holding two guns sitting on her knees with "hey, puddin'" written beneath her. i usually wore them when i wanted j's dick honestly lmao. i still wear them tho honestly just 'cuz they're comfortable. if you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? meerkat biologist OR a member of the mythical crew how did you learn to ride a bicycle? my dad taught me. (: have you ever been to a sports game? hockey, yes. have you seen all the shrek movies? no and i cry every night because of it. have you ever finished a whole video game? of course do you know anyone with a pet snake? currently, i don't believe so. your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? they did split, and i live(d) with my mom. how does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? i've seen one picture of him with his current girlfriend, and i legitimately wanted to murder the bitch. no exaggeration. have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? multiple times. what is on your bed right now? well, my own bed is in storage right now to my understanding, but the bed i'm using at colleen's currently just had pillows and blankets. are you someone’s best friend? i am! :D what do you think of when you think of australia? my friend shaylee ever ridden on a roller coaster? no, too scared. what is your birthstone? amethyst is anyone jealous of you? literally no reason to ever be. do any of your friends have children? not any close friends how did you get one of your scars? i scratched the fuck out of my leg. it was overly itchy. honestly, what is your point of a view of a friend who goes for their friend’s exes? consult your friend about it. when was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe? when playing "cards against humanity" with colleen, chelsea, and bradley would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! do you sleep with a night light? no. do you bite your toenails? nope. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? overall, i feel most connected to otep's lyrics. have you ever gone to the person you like’s best friend to help you out? no. who is the most blunt person that you know? colleen do you think you will be going to sleep soon? i might take a nap. what nervous habits do you have? my eyes dart, i play with/knead my hands, avoid eye contact, etc. when was the last time you were hit on by someone? i'm not sure. what is your ringtones on your cellular? "telescope" by starset do you wear makeup? rarely. do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? nope. what is your pet’s name? the only pet i personally "own" is teddy, a beagle-cocker spaniel mix. do you have any siblings? do you get along? my two immediate siblings are ashley and nicole. what is your favorite color? maroon. what color are your eyes? blue do you like your parents? i love them. how long does it take you to shower? like 8 minutes. is the last person you kissed older than you? by two years name everyone you kissed this year: no one is it awkward when you run into your ex’s? i've never "run into" him. i've seen him once, but it wasn't awkward honestly. have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? probably hundreds of times... do you change your phone background a lot? nope. think back to your last relationship. was it worth it? yes, it was. has anyone seen you in your underwear, other than mom? yep. do you hate being the first person to start a conversation? sure do. if you had to live off one type of fruit, which would you pick? strawberries what do you usually order from olive garden? spicy shrimp fritas. fucking perfection. how do you like your steak cooked? well done do you know anyone who self-harms? i know people who have, but i certainly hope they still don't. do you have any siblings? what are their names, age, and grade they are in? doing immediate siblings only. ashley: she's 24, i think, and she's graduated. nicole: she's 18 and is a freshman in college. do you know a schizophrenic person? yes. my own half-sister tiffany is a schizophrenic. do you own many pairs of shorts? i don't have any. is there a certain song you like to headbang to?  surprisingly, i don't headbang. is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway?  rammstein's lyrics are rather different imo did you love playing hide and seek as a kid?  i really did! do you have a favorite font on the computer?  garamond, i assume. have you ever been severely burned?  nope. did you ever dream that you had a baby?  multiple times. what was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road?  hm, not sure... do you try clothes on before you buy them? i avoid that shit like the plague, but i guess if i have to. by society's standards, are you attractive? probably not, idk? mostly because i'm fat, so. i do have clear skin though? would you let your kid smoke weed? if i found my child smoking weed, that would probably be the closest i'd ever get to beating their fucking ass, to be frank about it. are you mentally stable? "no" should be the obvious answer. do you think marijuana is safer than alcohol? in some ways, sure. what do you hear right now? "the dope show" by marilyn manson, chelsea talking in her room... have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no. what color is your favorite bra? it's mostly baby pink, but has a black, swirly design on it. which would you rather have, a new puppy or kitten? i'd actually quite enjoy a kitten right now. if you could have one power, what would it be? shape-shifting. would you ever date out of your own race?   yeah. do you still watch movies intended for children?   every now and again. who is your favorite stand-up comedian?   john pinette. what is your strangest phobia?   whale sharks. what is the most pointless movie that you have ever seen?   "the purge."  just the concept of it was so stupid.  i mean, the film was okay, but still pointless. have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you?   romantically, no. when a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away?   depends on the kind of bee.  ex., wasp, i'm running.  honeybee, it's cool. are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit?   very, yes. if you had to play one sport for a living, what would it be?   dance. have your parents ever thought you were gay? what happened?   i don't think so, no. what’s the best thing to eat for breakfast?   pancakes are your parents more liberal or conservative?   conservative, mostly, with some liberal views. when was the last time you saw your best friend?   this morning.  i am currently living with her; she's at work atm. how many jobs have you ever had? (including things like babysitting)   two. do you have family meals when it’s someones birthday?   we go out to eat somewhere nice-ish. are you comfortable talking to both your parents about sex and boys?   mom, sure, but i would never discuss sex with dad. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   not at all. what do you think is overrated?   i don't really call things "overrated."  well-liked things are liked for a reason. what is underrated?   the band otep.  they should really be better known. can spiders jump?   yes, they can. there was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the rockefeller center in nyc of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the world trade center. it was complained about as grotesque, inappropriate and describe as 'not art.’ what do you think?   who says something grotesque cannot be art?  it was absolutely art and carried with it a heavy message.  it shouldn't have been censored by not showing it. has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist?   with my wardrobe, probably. what did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way?   i saw my best friend. are you dyslexic?   no sir. do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don’t want to admit it?   heard that before, and it's bullshit. if you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape?   ugh, no. do you believe that black people should get money to make up for their previous enslavement?   ... the fuck is this?  no???  look, i am in no way racist or anything, but there is no reason to pay african americans because of past mistreatment?  like, that shit's done and over with? have you ever tried to write poetry or song lyrics?   poetry, yeah. do you like men who have a sensitive side?   it's like.  mandatory for me. dangly earrings, hoop earrings, simple studs, or no earrings at all?   hmmm, studs. would you ever wear black lipstick? do you know anyone who does?   i do sometimes. do you lecture people about drugs?   if one prompts me too, yes. if you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, what would it be?   like... 49, maybe? who was the last person to call you babe?   probably colleen, potentially juan. do you have family problems?   yes. were you smiling when you woke up this morning?   who the fuck just wakes up smiling? do you like being in pictures?   while it's great to be included, i only really like it if i'm taking the picture, 'cuz i know how to flatter my face. do you sneak out?   at 21, i can't exactly "sneak out," but when i was a teenager, no, i never did. how would you spend a day at the beach?   in the ocean have you ever experienced altitude sickness?   nope. do you ever make a big deal out of nothing?  only constantly. have you ever written anything on a bathroom stall?  nope. are your hands unsteady?   yes, i have an essential tremor. are you scared of moving on?  FUCKING HORRIFIED. when talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear?   right ear are you scared you’ll get a q-tip stuck inside your ear?   nope. do you use index cards to help you prepare for tests?   i never did. what’s your favorite flavor of sunflower seeds?   i don't like sunflower seeds. what's currently on your mind?   meh.  i feel... alone and unaccomplished.  i just found out a veeery old friend of mine is moving out with her girlfriend soon, and.  idk.  seeing her grow up like that makes me jealous.  i miss having another half, okay? what’s your favorite hairstyle on a guy?   kill me pls, bc i like emo/scene hair the most ;-; what color is your hairbrush?   hot pink have you ever dated someone with curly hair?   not full-blown curly, no.  very few of j's tips would be curly, but his hair overall was more wavy. how many of the people you’ve kissed have had brown eyes?   one. what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to the person you like?   "i love you." are you currently in a “i wouldn’t mind if i lost 50 pounds” kind of mood?   losing 50 pounds would honestly be spectacular. are your parents religious?   yeah. would you like to have twins?   fuck no. if your best friend liked your last ex, what would you do?   oh, i'd tell her off. want to have kids before you’re 30?   it'd be ideal. has someone ever made a promise to you and broke it?   sure has. would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos?   sure. do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse?   female. are you interested in more than one person at the moment?   nope.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

[somedaypast-thesunset]

So the girl he was heavily involved with for years even tho his best friend was in a thing with her and they were the last ppl to see him alive before he killed himself has now also killed herself.

First of all - all my jokes are fucking tasteless now I feel like I wished bad shit upon him and got what I wanted. That's super low and tasteless and shameful to myself. Like even if other ppl don't know it's gross if you do and like I get why I did it as well - I cope through tasteless humor. It's passive aggressive. It's not me at my best moments even though I think it's funny as fuck.

Secondly OMG I don't have the tools to cope with this. This has been a point in our relationship since the very beginning. I and many other girls put up with his attachment to this girl who actually wasn't super interested in him and introduced the idea of polygamy to him. She was known to be a bit of a rat and like.. Not well liked by anyone but him, in all seriousness. Like if I died i think ppl would say nice things - this could be like a shrug your shoulders thing for many people. I never met her. I put up with him telling me he always loved her and he would be with her again with his other wives and like you knew he was deeply into her but again, she showed little interest back.

The thing is me and her share a ton of similarities and could've gone the same as eachother if life's journeys handed us different opportunities. She had a neglectful home life. Her parents seemed disattached and overall uninterested in her because they were themselves drug addicts and alcoholics. I believe her mother married a new man and she seemed exposed to sex early, early on. She began drinking at 13 and her parents were quite cool and lenient which seemed to lead her obviously to partying and heavy drugs and casual sex. She was not well off nor were her parents and several times he told me she suffered from eating disorders and self harm, she seemed to potentially have prostituted herself at times and was inappropriately sexual in public to a point it made multiple people uncomfortable.

He sometimes told me we needed to meet because we'd get along. Many times I felt like perhaps because we shared alot of traumas and then deal with people like him.

I'm not saying he's the reason because he's not at all. If I died, he wouldn't be the reason. But people like him are people we encountered everyday. And she obviously suffered more ridicule than I did.

He said, "she was a flight attendant and had this and this going for her I don't understand"

You don't understand depression then. And people like you are people who depressed people encounter every fucking day. They are constantly expected to overcome and put on a show like becoming a flight attendant as a full blown drug addict. There a problem and it's a problem if you believed she was functional because she wasn't because she's dead.

Of course, I've spent days lamenting life. I shared with him my non existent will to live. I cried and he told me to get a job. You know, like her. She was a partial example of getting over your shit. But she wasn't at all. She was a hardcore drug addict. He ignored my cries for help, he mocked my depression, belittled my traumas and told me it was all such a burden on HIS life.

And then she dies.

Where do we go now?

And I feel selfish for at all making the death of a poor young drug addicted woman about myself in any way at all especially not knowing her. It's not my place to be involved at all in her death, I think not even in this mental capacity. She deserves the respect of not having randoms feel bullshit -esoecially selfish bullshit - on her death. At least. Like just let the person be now -especially now. I felt this about my mother. Here was a sick person. They were not well. No matter how much you wanted or perceived them to be they weren't well. And when you carry it for so long that's a dramatic burden on your being. Let their souls fucking rest. No more analyzing

But here I am. A moral piece of shit. Making it about myself.

How can I not? My first thought is wow I can't die. Not right now. Like I struggle every single day not wanting to die because I wake up and immediately I'm like fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For a week the first thing I ingest in my body is smoke and I can't not fucking do it. Today it took me several SEVERAL hours to get out of bed. I accomplished showering. I responded to two messages of importance. I ate only because a friend bought me dinner. I have just sat. And I'm not even anxious about the fact I'm staring at a fucking wall for several hours. I'm almost content because why am I fucking here at all. Why does this world exist? Why is my life this way-? I know it's my journey but holy fuck is this journey extremely tragic. Not even like to me like even around me the tragedy which I've heard and seen is so enormous I can't even comprehend how people are convincing themselves this is all okay?

But now to make this choice among this tragedy - the legacy I leave is mostly hurt. It would've been painful before but to knowingly do something like that after this is so vicious and terrible. I would need years away from him before I did not lay huge guilt on him. And like no one deserves such levels of grief in this world because I know this pain and it's always painful when someone does but taking your own life is serious. I've never thought it wasn't. It creates immense issues for the people alive. My dad didn't even kill himself and I deal with issues but someone who does this so randomly and selfishly - really unbearable pain. You have to really deeply consider what you're doing and your personal pain has to be so fucking large that it's worth dispersing among others permanently while you disappear. And I totally get why people do it. And maybe she didn't kill herself. Maybe she overdosed and died accidentally. But is it an accident to be a drug addict? To lie to yourself your functioning when you drown in a bathtub?

He was overwhelmed with the options he had in front of him now. He "can't even come home". He doesn't want to go through the remembrance. We briefly agreed that we still wanted to talk to eachother. He told me he loved me and thanked me for taking his call.

I had nothing for him. Perhaps it dawned on him that he just created a situation I had no part of but now was dealing with gracefully and respectfully and in consideration to his feelings. But would still create an emotional impact on someone still struggling, regardless.

Because the whole fucking thing is so complex I have no idea how to handle this. I am almost actually worried that it will be a wake up call for him and he will change in a direction I might have "wanted" previously but obv under these circumstances... I don't know. Like someone had to die for that to happen and that doesn't make me feel good.

Maybe he never comes back. Maybe this is it now and he permanently moves to be away from all the memories.

Maybe he goes back on drugs. Goes to her funeral, gets caught up, does drugs and dies too.

It's hard, you know? Life is sick. I love this person. I want to be with this person long term. We are both so traumatized and under the radar so long that our separate bitterness turned towards each other and we both brought entire semi trucks full of baggage into this. I love him though. I have never loved someone like I've loved him. I never chose him out of desperation. He truly demonstrated a real care in his messed-up ways. Not like he carved my name in his arm but like struggling under huge anxiety and depression to demonstrate love to them and that was and is really hard to do especially consistently. He tried. He took me places I've never been just to show me. The love he has had for me is not something anyone else has ever had. No one else wanted to show me the world because they wanted me to see. I know the exact moment I fell deeply in love with him and we lived sometimes I romantic dream. If you cherry pick our best moments, it's beautiful. The fact two super fucked up ppl, a former drug addict and a mentally unwell person created beautiful moments is a feat on its own. These are times where both of us had to find a reason to live to give to one another something. They are deeply empowering moments of the pureness of life on this planet and I've never connected with anyone else that way but I still had like a deep first love with my Oshawa ex. I do love him. I still do. I won't stop but I'm not in love. And I will probably overcome this and create a new never before seen world with someone else and it won't belittle the unique beauty I shared with them.

I don't want to cut ties with him. It really hurts my soul to not be in contact with him regularly. It's not an obsession or compulsion - it really hurts because I love him.

But I also can't deal with this. It hurts that I legitimately have to continue to move forward in life and it's like obvious "the best thing to do" is "keep trying" for his sake so he's not dealing with it even though I really need love and support right now.

And now it's like a huge volatile gamble. Let's state the obvious. Will he attempt a solid relationship now that he's lost her? The one other person who might have had a sliver of affection towards him this way. I can't think about that in order to really be healthy. I can't invest because I hope this changes him. It's kind of rude.

Here's the totally crazy mystical out of my mind delusional theory:

I keep thinking that like a thing happened on the island. And maybe it's like I never felt these things before because I was disconnected and once I took the step to connect in like a spiritual way that perhaps things like began to attach themselves to me and accompany me on my journey and I think that maybe they affect things in life but you have to be actively open to what they're affecting. Like I felt I needed to sit at the aboriginal day thing and hear an elder speak and it wasn't like he gave me info but he like.. He gave me something deeper. And these native things keep coming up over and over and I don't feel more attuned I feel like its presenting itself to me and I'm choosing how to act and perceive. And I don't think they're angry with me or my life. I think they're trying to help me. And I guess in this fucked up way I feel like this was slightly on them. And like I think spiritually things are ambiguous - is it evil to do this? Did I attract evil things that did an evil thing? I think it's their existence and I think they don't have total control. Like they can't magically give you a phone call with all the things you wanted because so many things have to take place in other people's lives for that to work. I don't believe if any of this is remotely a thing that they would've killed her. Like went out and targeted her specifically to benefit my life. But I think for a brief moment in time, they flew through everyone's lives and reset the story. I think they can't decide who dies. Maybe not even when. But I think they can influence the journey of someone else and without malicious intent create brief moments in time with all their might and power in all the quantum physics that may solely only benefit the life of one person. "benefit" because if it's true I think it's a stark reminder that you're not always going to get what you wish for the way you wished for it. Perhaps "the only way" this would've worked is if she died and considering her life choices it's not unlikely it would've happened anyways, they just maybe rearranged the timeline. And I guess if true it's important to acknowledge that they may have taken time from someone else to give to me because of how deeply I wanted it without concern for others. That's an important power in this spiritual world to have and no guarantee. Like they just created a scenario, they didn't create the result. Whatever an individual chooses is up to them and it's not if we didn't get together they died in vein but that instead of focusing so much on what I want I should deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeply consider how much I want it and would I want someone else to literally die for it.

Maybe it "works out" (it doesn't, she's dead). Maybe he realizes that he fucked up with her and he has a chance to redeem himself still with me. Maybe he begins to see my true struggles. Maybe he decides life is too short and unpredictable to "wait for the farm" because people will literally die before it happens. Maybe he comes home and decides finally that we can live together (not right away). That we need each other.

How can it happen wrapped in her death? Plagued by her memories. Is it real? Is it just fear?

I'm still bitter. I can't turn it off. I said nothing, really. I don't know what to say. It's better in my experience to say nothing when everything you have is shit.

I guess now it's to wish for him to come home but I should specify alive. And not on drugs. Not insane. It's sad he's alone right now. It's sad he made that choice.

He's honestly been my reason to be alive for the past two years. He made life bareable. I don't know what to do with anything without him because my will to live is gone.

I guess I'm a selfish terrible person.

[laraknotts842-blog]

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'Battle of the Network Stars' Review

New Post has been published on http://styleveryday.com/2017/06/30/battle-of-the-network-stars-review/

'Battle of the Network Stars' Review

ABC’s resurrection of the ‘Battle of the Network Stars’ format offers few stars, no network divisions and only the flimsiest of battles.

Since reviewing a reboot of Battle of the Network Stars is a silly endeavor, allow me to begin with a silly digression:

In 2004, CBS threw one of the all-time great Television Critics Association press tour parties on the field at Dodger Stadium. It was tied to the baseball drama Clubhouse, which ended up running only slightly longer than the party to promote it. Amidst the interviews and hot dog gorging, we were able to take batting practice and the limp line drive I blooped onto the apron of the outfield grass is one of the most gratifying things I’ve ever experienced. CBS had some athletes in its various casts and a few of the network’s stars took some legitimate rips, but it was CSI: NY co-star Carmine Giovinazzo who delivered the evening’s signature moment, taking a pitch over the fence to left field.

It was an impressive thing to witness, because somebody whose career was in a wholly separate pursuit was achieving an athletic feat that was measurable and empirical.

Per my scattered childhood memories, that’s also what I responded to in the original Battle of the Network Stars. Yes, there were stars participating who had no notable physicality to speak of, but my enjoyment came from watching the genuine seriousness with which some of the contestants approached the different events. There were sporting legends involved, people like O.J. Simpson. But there also were actors that played tough guys onscreen who wanted to prove they were tough guys in real life, or actresses who played characters with superpowers and wanted to show their own powers were pretty super as well. I knew what athletic greatness looked like and it was fun watching sitcom and procedural stars try to approach that greatness. I know I’m not the only person who feels that way. It’s the same reason Stephen Amell’s recent run on the American Ninja Warrior course was such a sensation.

That’s a long-winded explanation for what I wanted to see in ABC’s reboot of Battle of the Network Stars. I wanted to see a continuation of one side of what made the series so popular way back in the day — the serious and competitive side. I wanted to be stunned by which of my favorite TV stars have untapped abilities to sprint, kayak and swim.

If I just wanted clowning and hijinx, I’d watch Laff-A-Lympics, darnit.

I wanted to come away entertained and with a new-found respect for the ample talent currently working on the small screen. That, however, was not the side that ABC had any interest in bringing to its new Battle of the Network Stars, which I would say violated the brand’s title on not one, not two, but three different levels.

First, the stars weren’t divided by network, which ABC claimed was because it’s a 1,000+ channel world, but really ABC didn’t want to give promotional platforms to stars from other networks (or other networks didn’t want to free their stars to appear on ABC, whichever). Instead, competitors were split by semi-arbitrary designations based not on current status, but on past celebrity.

So the opener was Sitcom Stars versus TV Kids. Since at least half of the players could have been swapped to the other team, there was no real built-in tension or animus. Why, for example, were Tracey Gold and A.J. Michalka not categorized as former TV kids? During the first episode, I regularly lost track of which team was red and which was blue, and if I could have kept track, what difference would it have made? Even in 2017, TV viewers are always making choices between individual networks. We all have preferences. Ask me to root between FX stars and HBO stars and you’re reproducing a choice I make in my own life. I’m never asked to pledge my allegiance between people who used to be child stars, who were also sitcom stars mostly, and people who used to be sitcom stars, who were frequently child stars.

Second, these were mostly nostalgia stars and not stars. The only two competitors in the premiere with actively running TV shows were, not coincidentally, both from ABC shows and Michalka and Nolan Gould are, at best, fifth or sixth billed (or lower) on their respective shows. Sorry, ABC. It’s one thing not to pull any kind of current star talent from across the world of TV, but if you can’t get somebody on the top three of the call sheet from your own shows, you’re not doing viewers any favors. Offering me Viola Davis trying to golf is good TV. Trying to get me interested in Joey Lawrence’s basketball ineptitude is not.

And, finally, to call any of these competitions “battles” would be an insult to the true warriors whose exploits were announced by Howard Cosell. If your show’s drama comes down to being shocked that Corbin Bleu is able to outsprint Tracey Gold, your show isn’t getting any drama. And the editors couldn’t be bothered to be interested in how the competition was going either. Because none of the stars were able to do archery, tennis or golf (among other events that allegedly happened) we spent more time watching out-of-competition coach Ronda Rousey (slumming it entertainingly) dunk Tom Arnold in the dunking-booth event. That, to me, does not scream Battle of Network Stars. Then, after letting the episode go slack for nearly 45 minutes, the competition between the sitcom stars and the kids actually did get close at the end, but it was way too late for me to get invested in the shoddily constructed narrative about how Tom Arnold went from late-arriving deadbeat to hero.

Were the teams more competitively matched back in the day? I don’t know. Definitely there was a lot of reflection from people like Bronson Pinchot and Lisa Whelchel on being past their battle peaks. Did it mean more to be part of a network when there were only three? Probably, because who feels different levels of pride about just having been on a sitcom when the rival team is people who were on sitcoms at a slightly younger age? Did erstwhile Battle of the Network Stars legends like Gabe Kaplan simply want it more than any of these stars wanted it? Unquestionably. Did ABC and the announcers and sideline reporters just get cheap laughs from an execution that offered almost no action? Probably. How many times did Mike Greenberg think he was entitled to make “Dance of Joy” jokes about Pinchot? Even if it was only “two,” it was too many. Sometimes you have to trust that Balki running is punchline enough.

Production-wise, the Battle of the Network Stars premiere was also a sad affair. Returning to the gorgeous backdrop of the Pepperdine University campus was a good idea, but they seemed to have filmed on a cloudy and cold spring day. The actors all looked chilly and miserable and, for some reason, there were no crowds cheering anybody on. Cameras were only occasionally where they needed to be, offering insufficient coverage to spice up dull events and too many shots favoring the gray skies and empty galleries. At least the tan blazers on the announcers and sideline reporters brought back a shiver of recognition.

This was not a battle and there were no network stars. It was more appropriately a battle of viewer nostalgia, a fight ABC has been engaging in aggressively in recent months. If your nostalgia was for the silly and stupid Battle of Network Stars, I guess this was for you. Nostalgic for something different, I won’t be returning to this one.

ABC’s Battle of the Network Stars premiered on Thursday, June 29.

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