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thegeminisage · 3 months

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tng update time. last night* we did "the outcast" and "cause and effect."

*once again i am typing this up at 1am. i'll be busy when it posts

the outcast: i had heard sooo much about this one i was kinda disappointed when like the first ten or fifteen minutes wound up being EXCRUCIATING

this is largely due to three things 1. the idea of gender and sexuality being like so fucking antiquated in 1992 or whatever or at least in the minds of the people who wrote this episode, and them also mistaking one for the other 2. gender essentialism ie when soren asks what IS a man/woman we get these ideas of like "women put color on their lips and men don't" 3. extremely horrible lines of dialogue such as "commander tell me about your sexual organs"

like, i agree with jonathan frakes that soren should have been played by a man and that they should have had chemistry anyway AND with the criticisms that the ep didn't go hard enough

THAT SAID. once we got past the initial setup. which again has aged poorly. i was shocked at how hard it DID go for something that aired in 1992. like, my mother loved tng. she watched it air live. MY MOTHER watched this in 1992 when her gay ass little daughter was barely out of diapers. did it sink in? doesn't matter. they put it in front of her eyeballs. profound.

other details of note: GEORDI'S BEARD??? it looked good but he needed just a LEETLE more length on it imo

ik this episode was intended as a gay allegory and not a trans one (or maybe they just wanted to do a little of both) but picard being like we CAAANT interfere is such a pussy ass move. his vibes are so bad lately. yesterday he hated disabled people today he hates gay and trans people like don't you have a job. do you not have stuff to do. it's wack because normally he gets so fucking FIRED UP!!! when human (humanoid) rights are being infringed on. and lately he's just been like well whatever thats none of my business worf should kill himself. unbelievable.

obsessed with whatever will and deanna had going on in this episode. he was like "deanna i met somebody but we'll always be good friends right?" and she was like "absolutely" and then kissed him full on the mouth??? again: OBSESSED.

more riker/deanna/worf material FOR ME worf offered to go to the planet with him to get his girl. this is true brotherhood and also homosexuality. i think deanna should get kidnapped AND TREATED REALLY NICEYS please no more rape scenes but i think she should get kidnapped so they can go rescue her together. tng i am BEGGING you to feed me

oh yeah and gutpunch ending. i saw it coming but it was still so brutal :(

anyway it was an amazing episode if you can grit your teeth and ignore the bits that aged poorly. considering the time it aired and the opposition to it i think they mostly did a great job

cause and effect: TIMELOOP MY BELOVED

firstly, can i just say: two poker game eps in a row. mwah.

also? worf was right. reverse course. REVERSE COURSE. REVERSE FUCKING COURSE. seventeen times that whole ship - kids and all - got blown up in space and ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS REVERSE COURSE. seventeen TIMES worf made this suggestion and was shot down! reverse your fucking course!!!

even i got sick of the time loop by the end. it felt like a very long episode. i did love that they kept going and kept dying when i kept thinking they'd finally got it though

my favorite parts of the episode were the spooky parts. the voices in beverly's room, her ALWAYS knocking over that glass no matter where she put it (inevitability <3), data dealing up nothing but threes at the poker game, etc. the card thing literally gave me goosebumps, it was so well done

ALSO, DATA. data saving the day with his final actions TWICE <3

i thought at first the ship they were colliding with was themselves from earlier in the loop but the truth is so much cooler. loooved seeing those old uniforms. still i think that guy would have recognized the enterprise though. like the famous one that completed the first five year mission? he would have been like hold up the enterprise is captained by kirk/whoever followed kirk and that would have been more fun for me. cuz i know tmp is hard to date but kirk was definitely a super famous admiral in the year they entered the continuum. WHATEVER deny me all my fun as usual

TONIGHT: "the first duty," and also the pjo finale lol

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

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transenbyconfessions · 1 year

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this is my first time submitting something here, i've been reading them for a while though.

i am an afab nonbinary (?? maybe transmasc ??) teen. i bound for about a year, I used gc2b because at that point the quality info wasn't well known. but now, im pretty sure i've injured myself from binding. and i didn't do anything wrong too. that's honestly the most annoying thing out of all of this: i followed all the rules, i was careful, i listened to my body, and still, i got hurt. on-and-off I have had some pain for the past few months (i stopped binding in about december/january) for a while, i thought the pain only happened when i ran (which i don't like and also gives me panic attacks). so for the most part i avoided running and would stop when i could because of pain. anyways, the pain had mostly gone away until a few days ago. i am still pretty confused about why its randomly getting worse, but its definitely injured somehow. this all ends up mattering because of what happened yesterday. so i'm a climber, which at my school has just started to be recognized as a varsity sport. my "coach" got all mad at me yesterday for asking to not run because i was in pain already, and running makes it worse, also i wasn't mentally there and capable to run. i tried explaining and it just made it worse. when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, he gets really mad and defensive. i normally wouldn't have too much of an issue with this except for this is one of my closest friends dads. and he was so different last year, when my friend was here. anyways, thats just relevant for the story in my brain. i am just so mad that this happened and that people aren't listening to me and believing what i'm saying because it isn't as visible of an injury (like with mental illness too).

TLDR, i know i need to go to the doctor about this, but i have a new doctor who I've never met and and i don't want the first conversation with her to be super vulnerable and shit because i have really bad anxiety. if anyone has any suggestions about how to explain binding injuries to medical professionals, that would be great. obviously there isn't much research about trans healthcare (especially because i'm in the USA). also, if anyone knows anything about other good binder companies that are sensory friendly, i would appreciate suggestions.

thanks for letting me talk about this <3

Submitted March 28, 2023

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the-feminist-philosopher · 1 year

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Agreed about Serano; haven't read her work but I agree with the quotes of hers that I've seen (though I've also heard criticism of her from within the queer community, particularly from trans men, and I'd have to read her myself to see). On the topic of autogynephilia, I have heard radfems acknowledge that some cis women get turned on by their own sex appeal, but that tends to get interpreted as self-objectification based in internalized misogyny. So those cis women tend to get pity from radfems, instead of the hostility that trans women get.

The double standard is wild, innit?

Autogynephilia- which is a very flawed theory- is considered self-objectification among cis women but... not among trans women? The fact that they assume wanting to be feminine is just a fetish or sexual perversion says all you need to know about how they view femininity. They see femininity as inherently inferior rather than something they've been taught as 1.) being inherently feminine (nothing is inherently "feminine," only socially regarded as so), and 2.) being inherently a lesser form of self-expression (there's no "lesser" form of presentation as there's no issue with elaborate or beautiful presentation because the issue is the way we make it a requirement of one single sex for the [supposed] desires of the other sex).

Then the fact they also treat wanting to be a woman as a sexual perversion tells you that they view "woman" as a sexual object because they are tying any desire to be a woman to a woman's sexualization and fetishization. Wanting to be your lived identity is not a fetish, but they assume that the only reason someone would want to be a woman is because the only value people have for women is as an object for men's desire.

It's a very unfortunate way to look at femininity and womanhood, in my opinion.

Trans women don't get turned on by being a woman because they don't only value women for the desire they provide men. Is there a problem in society of women being reduced to mere sexual objects? Yes. Is that the fault of trans women? No.

But what really gets me about the anti-trans activist's analysis is that they will say that "woman" is defined by men/society as a sexual object; that her value is placed in the sexual desire her body can provide men. And they and I would agree with that. We'd disagree with the idea that this is why trans women transition, but we'd agree that a woman's value (and, for me, this includes a trans woman's value) is placed in the desire and attention her body can provide for men.

I'm thinking about such analyses as the following:

“Woman is not born: she is made. In the making, her humanity is destroyed. She becomes symbol of this, symbol of that: mother of the earth, slut of the universe; but she never becomes herself because it is forbidden for her to do so.” ― Andrea Dworkin

"Women and men are divided by gender, made into the sexes as we know them, by the social requirements of heterosexuality, which institutionalizes male sexual dominance and female sexual submission." ― Catharine MacKinnon

“The normal fuck by a normal man is taken to be an act of invasion and ownership undertaken in a mode of predation. Woman have been chattels to man as wives, as prostitutes, as sexual and reproductive servants. Being owned and being fucked are or have been virtually synonymous experiences in the lives of woman. He owns you - he fucks you. The fucking conveys the quality of ownership - he owns you inside out.” ― Andrea Dworkin

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.' (Leviticus 18:22). That means simply that it is foul to do to other men what men habitually, proudly, manfully do to women: use them as inanimate, empty, concave things; fuck them into submission; subordinate them through sex.” ― Andrea Dworkin

I can recognize that the patriarchy socializes cis men- *the* primary group with consistent and reliable access to the patriarchal power structure- to sexually subordinate and dominate women. And the anti-trans activists like to try and take this route when arguing against allowing trans women to live in their identity. They try to argue that trans women see cis women as an object to conquer, and that they do this by being women and "stealing" the cis woman's identity and spirit. They see it as a "violation" of the cis body. And they firmly believe that trans women do this because they see women as a sexual object; one which "becoming" turns them on. It's, well, incredibly transphobic.

But, in order to do this, they would need to admit that "woman" is something socially created, right? That's what Dworkin and MacKinnon were arguing: that woman is a socially-made category and that this category is socially constructed to be a sex object; to be something to be fucked by the patriarchy and the paterfamilias. And these feminists also saw that trans women are also seen within this patriarchal dichotomy of the fucked and fuckers with how fetishized and coveted trans bodies are.

However, the anti-trans activist is adamantly opposed to the idea that "woman" is a social category, insisting, instead, that "woman" is defined by a single, fixed biological attribute; that "woman" is biological; an "adult, human female." They're opposed to the social definition of "woman" and "female" because they think that defining "woman" as a discrete sexed caste will keep trans women out of the Sacred Land of the Woman. They're adamant that "woman" is a discrete sex; that the sexes are polar opposites; that the sexes are "naturally" differentiated.

(Sex differentiation *is* a feature of the patriarchy that posits that “men are men” and “women are women” and the two ought be and fundamentally are separate from each other. It is responsible for the social prescription that each group must stay within certain bounds of public and private life as well as certain bounds of behavior and certain bounds of presentation. Male dominant society must see to it that "female" is a woman and "clearly" a woman, opposite that of "man." This is also known as the polarity of sex.)

So, when it's politically convenient, they'll argue that the patriarchy creates (socializes) women to be sex objects; to be fetishes; to be fucked. And when that's no longer convenient for their argument, they'll argue that women and men are discrete; that there are separate biological classifications for humans; that there is one self-evident sex (to be fucked) as well as a polar opposite sex (to fuck).

“Male dominant society has defined women as a discrete biological group forever. If this was going to produce liberation, we’d be free.”― Catharine MacKinnon

“…while the system of gender polarity is real, it is not true. It is not true that there are two sexes which are discrete and opposite, which are polar, which unite naturally and self-evidently into a harmonious whole.” ― Andrea Dworkin, “The Root Cause” in Our Blood (1976)

"The ideology of sexual difference functions as censorship in our culture by masking, on the ground of nature, the social opposition between men and women. Masculine/feminine, male/female are the categories which serve to conceal the fact that social differences always belong to an economic, political, ideological order. Every system of domination establishes divisions at the material and economic level... It is oppression that creates sex and not the contrary. The contrary would be to say that sex creates oppression, or to say that the cause (origin) of oppression is to be found in sex itself, in a natural division of the sexes preexisting (or outside of) society." ― Monique Wittig, French author, philosopher, and feminist theorist who wrote about abolition of the sex-class system

But I always wonder... if our sex is self-evident and if our separation is self-evident and if this separation and differentiation and conscious recognition of there being two sexed classes is as old as our species, then how does one fight against patriarchal institutions which base their legitimacy in the "naturalness" of our divisions and justify oppression with "biolog-ics"?

#this got long #sorry #txt #feminism

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nazuna-tunnel-vision · 1 year

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hello this is the same anon!! this won't be nearly as long as my first ask LOL i just wanted to respond to some stuff in your reply!! i genuinely rly enjoy this kind of conversation and being able to have it in a respectful and nuanced way is very fun and enjoyable

your guess on my probable reaction to people he/him-ing characters i use she/her for is essentially correct! it's mostly for characters like ibara or mayoi where i refer to them with she/her pronouns basically all of the time. there's a bit of initial disorientation due to it taking me an extra moment to process who the pronouns are in referral to, but once that passes i'm usually able to just,, accept it and move on. it probably also helps that i write fic and tend to adhere a bit more to what's considered canon regarding pronouns when i do those; so while she/her ARE the pronoun set i prefer to use when referring to ibara or mayoi, i have and will probably continue to write fic where i use he/him. in that specific case it's because i want to make the fic more legible for people that might not share those headcanons with me (which isn't to say that i won't write fic where i do otherwise! just that i'm open to using different pronouns to better fit different contexts in which the character is being presented/discussed).

for a lot of other characters i also tend to have unfixed/multiple interpretations of what their gender might be or how i view it, which means i don't necessarily experience any gender/pronoun disorientation because they already exist in multiple ways in my head. (ie. i'm a big fan of they/them nagisa, but i usually refer to nagisa with he/him in fics/tumblr posts and also won't flinch at someone using she/her pronouns because they/them agender nagisa isn't the only version of nagisa's gender that exists in my head. i hope that makes sense i realize it might be a bit strange)

and, to be honest, i won't claim there aren't characters where i do have that same sort of discomfort to she/her pronouns - natsume and mao are big ones, since i so heavily relate to and headcanon those characters as transmasc that it weirdly feels more personal to see them be gendered differently. i think for myself, though, i can recognize that this person's interpretation of the character is just different from my own and there's nothing inherently wrong with either, just that it's not to my tastes for the reasons i have. and then i move on

i don't know if there's really a best answer to any of this discourse particularly since most (i'd argue maybe close to all?) trans headcanons do, as you say, stem from enthusiasm for the character and usually some level of personal engagement with gender/expression. that makes it a lot more personal and less clear-cut than if it were something else, yknow? it's good to have these discussions tho and this one's been really respectful and whatnot. hope ur having a good day and thank u again for reading my ask/responding so respectfully !

thank you again for the reply anon!!

it's pretty reassuring to know that you also feel that disorientation. like oh maybe it really is just a normal reaction phew, phew.

what you said about characters like nagisa is pretty interesting too. maybe the secret to get whacked in the face less is to already have different gender interpretations of the characters pre-loaded in your head?? 🤔 then when you see a certain pronoun you can just go "ohh we're doing he/him nagisa now? okay" then you pluck out your they/them nagisa lens and put the he/him nagisa lens on. or flick the switch to change to the he/him nagisa setting in your head.

that would certainly explain why i experience so much of the disorientation, because my she/her lens of most characters simply doesn't even exist at all, so i can't switch to them. it's hard to be immediately accepting of new interpretations when you never even thought of them to begin with. plus, pronouns don't really come pre-loaded with backstory to ease you into the character setting.

that said, pre-loading all these interpretations would take a lot of time and effort so it'll be impossible to apply this to the like. 50+ characters in the cast. but it does sound like something i can act on on my part to ease the discomfort i feel.

thank you again for the respectful discussion!! i really appreciate how you took the time to explain your perspective and replied my questions in good faith. i hope you have a good day too!

#asks

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evopanda · 1 year

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Back after a long time...

For some reason I couldn't get my old account to work which was evopandawithalumpia. My last post on that account was 2016. When the site changed ownership and the NSFW stuff became banned my account got marked NSFW and I had issues making anything work anymore. I couldn't change anything, I wanted to change my icon for instance. The only solution I could think of was just deleting my account. I am not sure if I'll use this much since I am back at square one and I moved on to other social media. But since Twitter is imploding and I am not using Instagram much and Meta is imploding as well. Who knows?

After I deleted my account I should have at least saved the follower list to see if anyone is till around. I searched my old name and found one person. I thought I backed up my old account but I guess I might have just deleted it and/or never backed it up in the first place. There is still remnants of the site on the way back machine if anyone wanted to see what it looked like.

I think its gone forever which I think might be good as most of the posts were of me being hella emo going from one toxic relationship to the next. I don't need to reflect anymore on that pain but I will for this post just so people have context for my return.

I had substance abuse issues and went in relationships with people who wanted to keep me in the dark, they were ashamed of being with a trans woman. It fucked with my psyche at the time. I didn't have that much self worth back then I just wanted to be loved even if it was from people who didn't really respect me. I also was on a low dose of estrogen during most of my time on the site and I know that I was erratic because of it. I am now a bit more level headed now that I am back on a normal E range due to a lab error that finally got recognized years later.

One of things that changed since I last used this site was me quitting drinking(three and a half years sober) and try to stay away from hard drugs. You won't be seeing posts about me going to the club a bunch which was something I used to do often. I would say I am a lot less social than when I ran my old blog so you wont be seeing a bunch of party posts. I had a falling out with a lot of my old friends many of which I mostly just drank with and did drugs with. I stopped doing activism for the most part due to SD Trans Pride wanting cops for security and I wasn't about that. I am a bit more on that "Arm Trans Woman" vibes so I sticked to that side of the internet post my first Tumblr blog.

I also am single and haven't been in a relationship in a while. I don't really feel the need to get in a relationship and I am happy for the most part being single.

Some of my old best friends I have moved on from. One of them kicked me out of his house after I moved to his place, he then apologized and wanted me back but the damage was done. One of my good friends because a Q-Anon conspiracy person and after seeing some posts she liked that were trans-misogynistic I gave up on her.

If I do use this site I will likely use it as a diary again since I like just doing word vomit in general and I find it cathartic to share my feelings. Instagram/Reddit/Twitter aren't really good for long writtern format.

#back on tumblr #mtf #evopandawithalumpia

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mishafletcher · 4 years

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Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.

First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping.

Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.

The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.

This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but—

You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.

Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.

There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?

Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.

There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something.

Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.

Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.

Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.

I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.

In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers.

Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.

Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.

Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.

This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.

Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.

The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too.

#queer stuff #lgbtq #gold star lesbians #long post #sorry #Anonymous

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uncanny-tranny · 2 years

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Fingers crossed this is on anon!

Anyway. I think I'm in major denial. Figuring out labels has ways been hard for me and due to me knowing my family is not accepting of trans people, makes it harder.

I've always forced myself to be hyper feminine and it never felt right. Before a lot happened I was a very masc person. I'm learning to embrace that again. All my clothes are men's, I wear mens perfumes and deodorants, lotions, etc. Just those simple things make me beyond happy and euphoric. I dress very masc and it feels so me. I know clothing and such has no gender but you get what I mean. I feel like it's me. I grew out my body hair as I'm very hair for someone afab and I was ELATED because I looked like I had a Cis guys legs. I just want to be a guy. I found out recently that this terrible and sick feeling I get regarding my chest is the wonderful thing known as dysphoria/s. So I have chest dysphoria and I never knew it wasn't normal to get sick and have bad flutters when seeing your chest or knowing others see it...so there's that. I also have extreme dysphoria over periods and the idea of pregnancy horrifies me. Someone calling me a boy makes me have a rush of serotonin, but I'm too scared to use he/him pronouns. I got sad the other day knowing I could never be a biological dad because I'm afab...yeah anyway. I still am nervous to use the ftm label. What if I'm just a confused cis girl? I don't wanna be called a girl though. People saying stuff about how bad men are scares me too..I have a big worry of being a bad person and I've seen people especially terfs say shit like "don't become the enemy" and it hurts because I just wanna be myself and not be hated.

Sorry for the long ask. Any help is appreciated <3

It sounds like you're going through a lot in regards to this, and that can be very stressful to do (especially if you feel alone in it).

So, with regards to how you feel, I certainly empathize and really relate to everything you've said. For me, I was hyper-feminine in order to convince those (and by proxy myself) that everything was "normal" and that I was happy to be their little girl - even at my own expense. It was my tool and my shield, and it was really alienating. I truly disregarded how I felt in order to please the people around me and to keep them comfortable - I didn't want to rock the boat, after all. I get how you feel, friend, and honestly? All of my experiences taught me just how vital it is to live for yourself. And I think this is something you're starting to do. By doing the things that make you happy (such as wearing mens' clothing), I think you'll find that it's a little easier to accept who you want to be and who you are inside.

Something else I learned is that if you aren't comfortable in an identity, it most likely isn't who you are. If you're uncomfortable being seen/having to identify as a cis girl, that probably isn't the label for you! I get the paranoia surrounding this, though. I understand and empathize with how you feel, though I believe that you deserve to just let that fear go. If you find something that makes you happy, then that's more likely who you are! It made me so much more happy and calm and mentally well when I realized that I could just... be who I am instead of trying to force a round peg into a square hole by conforming to others' ideas of me.

And finally... nobody is "the enemy" with regards to being a man or being masculine-identified. That's a completely transphobic idea which honestly feels like a bad-faith interpretation of what it means to advocate for minorities' rights. Men aren't inherently predisposed to being awful people because that isn't how being an awful person works. Gender essentialism is not how we combat oppression, and it'll only come back to bite minorities. And it'll bite hard. We must advocate for each other, especially trans people. You aren't inherently a bad person because you recognize who you are. That is simply not how this works. You have a right to be you, and if that means you're a man, then that is okay.

And because I believe this is the same person who sent this anon:

I'm really proud of you! That's really special, and I hope this name is something that makes you happy! Never apologize for staying true to what makes you feel seen.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary

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onlyplatonicirl · 3 years

Note

I really love your fanfic dude but there are some things that really irk me in it, one of them including the fact that Ink is referd to as "Mom" by his kids. I can understand why you did that when you were younger but I feel like by now you'd get that its kinda weird and uncomfortable? Admittedly part of this discomfort is from being a trans guy who kins Ink. but still. I don't get why it hasn't been changed yet.

i originally wrote that chapter when i was 16, yes, and back then I did not think anything bad of it. But i recently went back and changed it to be so that the context was that they aren't unironically calling him that, but they call him "mom" because it annoys him. They aren't earnest about it.

The way they address him as such is akin to someone saying "ugh what are you, my mom??"

Neither of the kids really have deep emotional attachments to him as a parent. He's not really the greatest at taking care of children and both recognize this. They call him that as a way to intentionally irk him because both kids are sarcastic little shits lol. If they want to address him normally, they'll just call him Ink, which 99% of the time they do, I believe.

Also I haven't really written or thought about TCOTI in like 3 months, so it hasn't really ever occurred to me. I can understand where you're coming from, and i might go back in and make more edits so that this context is more clear and that future readers know im not one of those people that calls male characters "mom" when they take care of kids, because that's just kinda sexist lowkey.

#ask lorel #tcoti

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newhologram · 3 years

Text

Now that I'm once again committing to being openly #trans, stepping out of the rain and under the umbrella that used to keep me dry, I wrote something up for family, friends, and followers who may have questions:

Dear family, friends, and Holograms: Thank you for your kind messages. Even though most of you already knew this about me for so long, it feels so good to be more public, to be a voice just by being me, and to have your support. It's amazing to me to see that many of you have stepped into the role of an ally and are willing to learn more.

I'm writing this up to maybe offer some clarifications on things relating to trans identity in general but mostly my personal experience with gender. It's my hope that this will give you a template to work from. I don't want anyone to be so worried about offending me that they don't know how to talk to/about me. I want this to be comfortable for all of us. This is only my experience of gender at this time, so please remember that if you meet another trans/nb person, they will likely have a completely different experience than me.

Let's start with queer, which is an umbrella term for anyone who is not cisgender and/or heterosexual. It can be a useful label for someone who is not interested in having to spell out both their sexual/romantic orientation and their gender identity every time (it can get complicated even for us). Some of us might not fit neatly into the letters of LGBTQIA (notice it contains Q still) so this is the reason some people are comfortable with the label. Sometimes we do fit into the acronym, but queer is inclusive and we like it. It's also what's often used in academia. Queer history, queer literature, queer art, etc. Freddie Mercury is often referred to as a queer icon for example. Now, it can be a regional thing, as in some parts of America, queer is not considered a reclaimed slur (since it means "weird") like it is for say, a lot of Californians. While some of us feel empowered to own being "different" or "weird" while fighting for representation and rights, others may object to being called "not normal". Ultimately it's always up to the individual to decide what they are comfortable calling themselves, not what other people should be allowed to call themselves. I was always the weird kid and I have so much trauma around that and as an adult I'm like... yeah, you know what, I'm queer and proud. Now onto gender which is the focus of this post: transgender is an umbrella term. Trans as a prefix means "across" or "beyond", so transgender people have experiences and identities across or beyond gender. Non-binary is a gender identity under the trans umbrella. It refers to identities that are not strictly within the binary of man or woman. Non-binary itself is another umbrella term for many different genders such as agender (without gender), pangender (all genders), genderfluid (gender that shifts and changes), and many more. Gender is complex and varied across cultures and societies, so that's why there are so many different ways to describe it. Some may feel that not just one word works for their experience, so they may choose multiple labels or maybe even none at all. AFAB (assigned female at birth) and AMAB (assigned male at birth) is a way to describe what our assigned sex is without using "biological" or "born a (sex/gender)" as this is often used to invalidate trans experience --however, a lot of trans people who have transitioned may find it helpful to describe their experience as "born (and raised as) a girl" (again, up to the individual). We are all assigned sexes at birth but this obviously has no bearing on our gender identity or expression.

When I was a teen, "transsexual" was commonly used to describe a transgender person who transitioned, but this has fallen mostly out of use by now--But remember that being trans is not just about medically transitioning to another sex. There are many trans/nb people who do not transition, or who may make changes here and there to make their bodies more comfortable and fit their identity without necessarily transitioning. Whether or not this is a transition is going to be up to the individual. The social transition of coming out as trans/nb can be just as drastic as anything medical. (For those wondering why it even matters when celebrities come out as trans/nb if they aren't going to "change their bodies"--Visibility and authenticity. Just like I'm doing.)

Now on to me: I cannot accurately or concisely describe my lived experience of gender since it's informed every other experience of my life, but I will try. I'm NB and I definitely don't feel like a woman, but this doesn't necessarily mean I feel like a man either. "Boy" and "girl" do feel more relatable and accessible for some reason. I feel simultaneously and alternatingly like either, both, neither, all, any, and also just me.

Like I said, I can't really describe it. But for whatever reason, "boy", especially "feminine boy" has always felt more like my default energy. Don't ask me why, it is what it is. When I put on makeup, I never feel like a girl doing it even if I'm consciously exploring an archetype like "flapper girl" for example. It has always felt like princess drag to me. People were clocking me on this even when I tried to be a normal "girl". I often wonder if this is why I always felt so ugly before and now when I fully embody my gender as it is, I suddenly feel beautiful and comfortable. I feel closest to feminine or fluid archetypes, it's just how I express myself. This would not change if I were AMAB, I'd be just as feminine. I'd still be the same me.

Pronouns, for me: I can't say that my feelings on this will stay the same forever, but for now, I'm okay with any and all pronouns. I have some longtime followers who refer to me as he/him and that's amazing and so affirming!! *chef's kiss* But it's totally okay to use she/her with me too. Because I am aligned with feminine archetypes, I can't resist using she/her for myself often especially if I'm all dressed up in kawaii drag. They/them is also acceptable. This also goes for it being okay to refer to me as either a girl or a boy (or gendered family relation terms. But like, I'm Mommy to my cats, not Daddy xD)--Even though I'm not strictly one or the other, I feel all genders. While I agree with the common AFAB feeling of it being frustrating that she/her/girl/woman is always going to be considered my default by most people, and that this is/was a source of a lot of my gender dysphoria, I promise you won't offend me by referring to me as such. Often when speaking out my experience of being perceived as a woman, I might refer to myself as such because I'm talking about the way I am interacted with. (ie, it's okay to DM me like "HEY GIRL:･ﾟ✧ but the only way you’ll actually offend me is to insist I am “just a girl”/invalidate my lived experience/try to dictate my identity and labels)

It's still hard for me to share this very vulnerable part of my identity, even after having talked about it for 10 years online and with friends already. I'm probably going to keep having waves of anxiety over this as I shift into living daily life from the truest expression of myself. It really is enough for now to have you recognizing and acknowledging this very special big part of who I am and how I live. To be able to say it now everywhere and not just on my blog feels like a new universe being born. In closing, here are examples if that was too much information to ingest and understand all at once and you're not sure what words to use when referring to me: "This is my [family member], she's queer." "This is my friend New's page, he's non-binary." "This is my coworker's art, she's genderfluid." "This is a blogger I follow, they're pangender." "New is a trans model, this is his latest work." These labels and pronouns are all fine! :> I love you all. Thank you for letting me shine.

#teku #personal #gendery wendery #long post #this is written mostly for my family members who want to be allies #just thought it would help them a lot #and save me time explaining to everyone xD

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phcking-detective · 5 years

Text

9. Positive Reinforcement

Fic Title: First Blood

Rating: E

Length: 9/33 chapters, ~128k

Tags: Slow Burn, Idiots to Lovers, Trans Character (gavin), Autistic / Asexual / Non-binary Character (nines), BDSM, learning to use good etiquette and safe words, Dom Nines / Sub Gavin, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort

Chapter Tags: hospitals, hurt/comfort, domestic, Nines takes care of Gavin, caring Dom Nines, Gavin has a mood swing / shouting episode but there’s no partner abuse, using BDSM instead of therapy (not recommended btw)

Link on AO3

***

Hospitals suck ass.

Gavin repeats this mantra to himself like one of those meditation techniques. It's not enough to block out how his hip keeps slipping between the three chairs he's trying to lay on horizontally or how fucking cold it is in nothing but jeans and Nines' stupid fucking Cyberlife jacket or the bright fucking florescent—

"Detective."

Gavin squints up at Nines' sudden appearance like he's looking at a miracle—inherently suspicious and wondering what the fucking catch is. He's woozy and tired and somehow also hungry, the nurse took four tries to find his vein, and Tina didn't answer any of his calls from the courtesy phone because who the hell answers phone calls?

"What are you doing?" Nines asks in the sort of tone normally reserved for walking in on someone trying to suck their own dick.

Not that Gavin's ever tried.

"I'm sleeping, fuck off."

"On three separate chairs?"

"You know what?" Gavin sits up and stabs a finger against the android's steel fucking stomach. "I'm tired, I don't have a phone or my wallet, I can't pay for a cab, Tina isn't answering, and I don't—"

The finger-stabs turn into punches.

"Have. Any. Other. Friends!"

Nines stands there, letting Gavin punch him until the bruised knuckles aren't worth it anymore. The waiting room starts to sway. Fuck, he really needs a snack or something right now. One free cookie and a juice box just isn't going to cut it.

"Here."

The inside of the jacket suddenly begins to warm up. Nice to know it could have done that the entire FUCKING time. Nines also produces Gavin's cellphone from his pants' pocket and offers it to him. Gavin snatches it back and stares at the screen.

"Can't phcking read this," he mutters.

Nines produces his headphones too. When all Gavin does is take them back and hold them stupidly in his other hand, Nines crouches down in front of him. His fucking head hurts so bad, Gavin actually sits quietly and doesn't complain while Nines plugs in the headphones and then puts the earbuds inside his ears.

Your jacket is at the dry cleaners. Nines' voice sounds in his head at a mercifully low volume. I have brought your truck and ordered you a large number five meal with a strawberry milkshake.

Gavin slumps forward and lets his head rest on Nines' shoulder so he doesn't cry. He punches the android's arm and chest a few more times for good measure. It doesn't even crinkle his fancy black dress shirt. Nines stays perfectly still and allows this too.

Your food is becoming cold, detective.

Gavin grunts. He'll get up in a second.

Nines decides he'll get up right now. Those ridiculous fucking yaoi hands grabbing his thighs is the only warning he gets before he's hoisted in the air and held against Nines' chest. Which—fuck, that's hot, but not here!

"Fuck off tin can, leggo!"

Gavin puts up a fight against his partner's gay shit because there are people watching. He can see them right over Nines' shoulder, the nurse at the front desk and the six other people in the waiting room. Yeah, shit's a lot better for gay people now, but that doesn't mean he wants the entire hospital to know what a bottom bitch he is.

"Don't fucking hold me like a fucking child," he complains as they reach the automatic doors.

A second later, Nines shifts him into his arms bridal style, like that's any better.

"Hold me like a man, god damn it!"

Then he's slung over Nines' shoulder in a fireman's hold. Between the giving blood wooziness and suddenly being upside down, he has to stop yelling and just focus on breathing for a second. The rush of cold air when they get out to the parking lot helps.

Even better, when he opens his eyes again, he's greeted by an up-close view of Nines' ass in tight dress pants. Best of all are the thick, powerful thighs right beneath it, marching away. A little bit lower, and he could just bury his face between those thighs and suffocate the way God intended.

Car tires crunch against the asphalt in front of them and Gavin's pretty sure he recognizes the blurry, upside-down image of his truck between Nines' legs. Has the automated driving feature always been capable of being remote controlled, or is that just some freaky shit that Nines did to it?

He doesn't get a chance to think any more about it before he's flipped upright, set inside his truck, and buckled into the passenger's seat like a toddler. It's a miracle he hasn't dropped his phone or had his headphones ripped out of his ears yet.

"I hate you," he tells Nines, just to make sure the android knows.

Nines takes the bag of fast food off the dash and sets it in his lap.

Occupy your mouth.

Gavin makes a face at him. Why's everything he say have to sound so ominously dominating? The passenger door shuts in his face before he can think of something smarter than I'll occupy your mouth though, so he settles for grabbing his milkshake and making loud slurping noises. Nines gets in on the driver's side and immediately takes the milkshake from him, so he counts it as a success. He's too hungry and tired of hurting his hands to try hitting him for it, so he digs into the food bag.

A large number five, fried chicken club sandwich, none of that stupid special sauce, extra ketchup.

Gavin really can't help the moan he makes when he bites into it. But there's only so much toxic masculinity even he can handle, and he'll moan like a bitch if he wants to moan like a bitch. As long as it's just the two of them.

"Mmphfgh. So."

Swallow.

Shit. Fuck, his headphones are still in. Gavin rolls his eyes to try to shake off how he jumped, but he does still swallow his bite before talking again.

"How'd you know to come get me? Tina never answered."

I know the location of the Henry Ford Medical Center, detective.

"Yeah, but who told you to come get me?"

It was an independent decision.

Gavin takes another huge bite of his sandwich to think that over. Some ketchup squirts out the other side onto his fingers, and he sucks it off as obnoxiously loud as possible. Nines flashes red in his peripheral vision. Well, he can't actually see the LED because it's on the wrong side, but he can see his partner's reflection in the driver's side window.

"You find the perp loitering nearby?" he finally asks.

No.

Gavin tries to think of any other reason Nines would come get him but comes up empty.

"So, why did you …?"

He takes another long drink of his milkshake to avoid putting whatever this is into words. Take care of me makes him sound like a child and do the nicest shit anyone's done for me in years (or maybe ever) just sounds pathetic.

We need to get back to work. Humans need food after donating blood. Your jacket needed to be cleaned.

All right, those are simple explanations. Yeah. Maybe that's just how Nines sees it. He doesn't have a social module, so he was probably just solving a series of problems, completing his task list or whatever. Not like. Actually caring.

Except then Nines turns and says out loud with soul-searing intensity, "You are my partner."

Gavin does the only reasonable thing and stuffs an entire handful of fries in his mouth so he doesn't have to look at those pretty blue eyes staring at him like he's important. Or do some gay shit, like cry.

He's not going to cry. It's just been a long day, that's all. He makes the mistake of looking at the dashboard clock.

11:36 am

Fuck.

***

(9 hours later …)

Mmm warm good smell. Food smell. Gavin takes another greedy inhale and feels the warm thing touch his lips. He instinctively takes a bite before he even finishes waking up. It tastes good and kind of chewy, if a little bland. He snuffles and licks the fingers that fed it to h—

Wait, fucking whom'st fingers is he licking right now?

"Fascinating."

Gavin swats the hand away and glares up at Nines hovering over him. "What the fuck did you just make me eat?"

Nines cocks his head to the side. He looks more like a creepy animatronic owl than the cute puppy eyes Connor gives when he does it.

"Can you not tell?" the android asks.

"Can you blow me?"

"I tried that on a banana," Nines says casually, as if that mental image makes any kind of sense.

"Whuh—wh—"

Gavin smacks his lips together and tries to figure out what his mouth tastes like right now. Kind of … cheesy? Like pasta maybe, but without any flavor. Whatever he swallowed was dry at least, so no sauce or anything.

"Why?"

"To know if I could," Nines replies. "My combat protocols automatically activated and my jaw locked shut."

"OK, so you can't eat bananas, but what the fuck did I eat?" Gavin demands.

"Technically, I did eat the banana," Nines says. "Partially. My jaw snapped shut after taking a bite of it inside my oral cavity."

Gavin's dick starts listening to the conversation. It's because of karma and maybe some sort of android fucking witchcraft that now his dick gets hard listening to the bitchiest most stuck up Alexa ever say the words "oral cavity."

Of course Nines notices the reaction right away. Because fuck his whole entire life, that's why. Nines stares down at his crotch and Gavin can practically hear a zzzzzz as his eyes zoom in on his traitor dick.

"Fascinating."

"Tell me what you fucking fed me or I swear to God, I'll—"

"One cheese ravioli."

Gavin stares at him. "A cheese … did it even have sauce?"

"No, I washed that off."

Gavin opens his mouth, stares harder at that completely serious face, and shuts it again. He pinches the bridge of his nose instead, rubbing over the thick gnarl of scar tissue there.

"Why …"

But that's all he can bring himself to say. For once, Nines is the one who has no trouble with speaking.

"So it wouldn't drip on the carpet," he says, like that's obvious.

"You really think a bit of Prego is gonna be the worst this carpet's ever seen?" Gavin asks.

Nines' face darkens into a scowl that would be terrifying if Gavin didn't know this was his version of pouting. "Do not remind me. I have deleted fifty-seven analysis reports this last hour alone."

Gavin rolls his eyes. "Well, why'd you feed me a cheese ravioli?"

"To save the beef ravioli as a higher value treat."

Gavin looks him over. His left arm hangs down casually by his side, but his hand presses slightly behind his crouched thigh. It looks like he's holding something in one of those magician's grip that makes his hand appear loose and open while something is secretly tucked into his palm.

"You may have the beef ravioli if you sit at the table," Nines tells him.

He stands up and takes a few steps backwards toward the kitchen, raising up his hand to reveal the ravioli. Gavin gets off the couch and marches toward him to kick his ass, but the android matches his pace exactly to step backwards until they're right next to the table. He opens his mouth to start yelling, which immediately proves to be a mistake.

Nines shoves the ravioli directly into his open mouth. Gavin automatically bites down, but the android's reflexes are too quick for him, and he gets his fingers clear before being bitten. Instead, Gavin only bites into delicious beefy filling.

And he would spit it out. He really would, right onto Nines' perfectly shined shoes.

Except it's been a long ass day filled with paperwork about what happened with the reporter and no other goddamn leads and he has no idea how late it is since he fell asleep on the couch, but it's definitely past suppertime and he's hungry as fuck.

(Also, maybe he remembers the consequences of the last time he tried to spit at Nines, and his traitor-dick needs to Shut Up about that.)

Gavin chews the beef ravioli with the angriest face he can muster. It doesn't help that it's really fucking good, way better than the takeout and ramen he usually lives on. Nines opens the lid of the to go box sitting on the kitchen table, and the best smell his trash apartment has ever encountered steams out.

Gavin sits his angry ass down and starts to eat. Fuck him if he's going to waste good food. Most of the ravioli is beef, but there's some cheese-filled ones too, mixed in with the rest in a thick meaty sauce. Nines sits in the seat across the table to stare at him while he eats. Fucking creeper. Always one step behind him, staring at him, following him back home like they're friends or something.

"Why the fuck are you still here?" he deliberately asks with his mouth full.

"Juarez is currently our best lead to identifying the shooter," Nines answers. "As she may wake from her coma at any time, it is most efficient for me to stay with you in the event we are called during off duty hours."

Gavin chews his food. His partner is real fucking good at coming up with totally logical answers that he can't argue against without looking stupid even though he just knows that's bullshit.

"Whatever," he says. "I'm not paying you back for this. Or the chicken sandwich."

Nines keeps staring at him with those blank, lizard eyes. "I did not ask you to."

Gavin pushes back his chair and slams his hands on the table, yelling "Fuck you!" before he even knows what hits him. His moods are like that sometimes.

Nines doesn't even blink.

Usually, that sort of shit would just set him off even more. The lack of response sure as hell drove him to push harder and harder when they first got assigned as partners. Now Gavin just feels stupid, shouting at someone just sitting there.

Stupid. Fuck, he always does this shit. He knows this. He <i>knows</i> this.

"I don't …" Gavin forces himself to exhale slowly out through his teeth, gripping the edge of the table so he doesn't throw something. "Need. Your charity."

Stupid stupid stupid.

"You are my partner," Nines says.

Monotone. Four words and not a single inflection. When Gavin finally makes himself look up from panting at the grain of the fake-wooden table, Nines' face is just as blank. It should probably trigger some sort of uncanny valley lurch in his stomach, but without any micro-expressions for his brain goblins to pick up on and start screeching about, Gavin's anger starts slipping away like resin on tarp.

He looks back down at the table so he doesn't have to see his partner's face.

"If you cannot accept your own rule that partners look out for each other, consider this an investment to ensure you are recovered for our next shift tomorrow."

Gavin exhales again. Then inhales. Stupid. Exhale. At least he didn't throw anything. Inhale. This time.

"Also, I am applying Pavlovian training to encourage behaviors convenient to me."

Gavin sits back down and rubs both hands through his hair. "You're dog training me?"

"Positive reinforce—"

"You can't fix this," Gavin growls out, then gestures to himself and the kitchen at large. "This! Me. Anyone can read a fucking psychology book, dipshit—I already know what's wrong with me. If I could just good behavior myself into getting better, I would have done it already."

Nines' composure finally breaks as he blinks. "I am not a KL-nine-hundred unit, detective. I have absolutely no intention of—"

Gavin groans because he knows the air quotes are coming. Nines looks him dead in the eyes and does them anyway.

"—'fixing' you."

"I hate you."

"I only want to encourage relevant behaviors," Nines continues without acknowledging the outburst. "Such as doing your own paperwork rather than playing games on your phone."

Gavin grunts and manages to take another bite now that he's settled down some. Sure, maybe he'd been dumping all his paperwork on Nines now that the android has proven he knows how to do it properly. But he gets it done way faster and trying to make letters hold still on a bright ass computer screen gives him the worst headaches. God, he probably needs reading glasses at this point but he'd rather his entire head split open than wear that kind of shit at the station.

"Listening to my input at crime scenes."

"Hhegh," Gavin says around a mouth full of beef.

"Basic table manners."

Gavin swallows. "Hey. Fuck off, I do listen to you. I have been, so don't fucking sit there and try to tell me—"

"You have been," Nines says.

Gavin stops with his mouth hanging open. Dammit, he was just getting good and pissed off again, and then the bastard goes and agrees with him. What the hell is he supposed to say to that? It's definitely a trap. Like sarcasm, or some sort of passive aggressive ...

Something.

"Throughout our current case, you have taken note of my input," Nines says. "I was not implying otherwise, simply that I would start rewarding you for doing so."

Gavin narrows his eyes at him. "Yeah? Why?"

"I was forced to work with other humans at the Juarez residence." Nines finally finds some inflection to say other humans like he means radioactive screaming toddlers. "It was not ideal. And while I certainly will not beg for your continued cooperation, I am not above bribery as a means to ensure I can do my work in peace rather than relying on … the kindness of your heart."

Gavin grunts again and goes back to his food. Eating slightly cold ravioli is easier than making eye contact with his partner right now. He might have been a teensy bit better lately, but obviously he's not some kind of android rights activist. If Nines is worried he's going to flip back to being an asshole on a whim or a bad day or because other people were watching, well.

That's pretty fucking fair, to be honest.

"Dog training though?" he mutters after a minute. "Really?"

"I have read many human psychology books." Nines pauses, then adds, "Dipshit."

Gavin snorts and lets the insult pass.

"I can recite them. I understand the words. But they are merely words to me," Nines admits slowly. "Dog training books are much more simple."

"Is this a kink thing?"

Nines rolls his eyes. "Gavin, would you care to explain to me in honest and personal detail why offering food triggered such an immediate and violent reaction? Please include at least three references to your childhood."

Gavin shoves more ravioli in his mouth and smacks as loudly as possible as he chews.

"Then perhaps you would prefer a simpler way of relating to one another," Nines speaks over the noise. "No emotional sharing, no childhood details, no sad sob stories about what made you like this. You behave, you get food. That is all."

"What if I don't behave?" Gavin immediately challenges.

"Then you do not receive any food or treats."

"You gonna punish me, sir?"

Nines glares down his perfectly sculpted nose at him. "If you had listened to my explanation on the benefits of positive reinforcement, you would already know why it is the more effective training method."

Gavin resists the urge to repeat thE MorE eFFeCtIve TrAInInG MeTHoD back at him.

"Also," Nines continues. "You are far too much of a needy little painslut to be truly punished by corporeal means."

Gavin focuses very hard on mopping up the rest of the meat sauce with his side of garlic bread instead of answering that. Even when they know better, he's never met a Dom he couldn't piss off into beating the shit out of him just like he wanted. Technically, if they're counting their little "scene" in the DPD's men's bathroom, Nines hasn't proven himself to be an exception, either.

"Well." He stands up and leaves the mess on the table. "Good luck with your totally not a kink pet play. I'm gonna go watch funny youtube videos until my brain dies."

"Cat videos?" Nines asks as he passes him, raising one perfect eyebrow. "Am I to assume those are not also a pet play ki—"

Gavin flips him off and slams his bedroom door shut.

***

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / 30 / 31 / 32 / 33

I also have a Patreon for this fic, if you want to support me! $1 gets you access to chapters a week early, $2 gets bonus content and deleted scenes, and $3 gets short chapters from two AUs I’m writing: an A/B/O heatfic and reverse!AU

by the way, Nines totally posted a video of himself feeding asleep-Gavin the ravioli to his blog and it has a weird overly formal title like Human (36M) Instinctively Eats Ravioli During the Course of REM Sleep. all of his posts are like that because they’re meant to be “educational” “”experiments”” and the text posts are just black text on a white background

meanwhile, Connor’s blog consists exclusively of super cute pictures featuring either him and Hank on dates or cuddling on the couch, and Sumo of course. Nines thinks it’s disgusting and dumb and is lowkey (actually highkey) upset that Connor’s blog gets way more views than his

It isn’t even educational!! >:(

#reed900 #reed900 fic #gavin reed #dbh #dbh fic #my writing #ch 9 #the patreon supports my transition and I have my first HRT appointment in 11 days!!

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40ozandsober · 5 years

Text

Bottom of a Swimming Pool

ch 1; Skinned Knees & Gapped Teeth

— Childhood Flashbacks: Age 6 —

Charlie was 6 years old and obsessed with books, but he could never understand how to read them. The letters got jumbled up and the pages would start to move. He could try to sound the words out, but everything would just sound twisted when it left his mouth. He tried to read short stories in class all the time, but the other students laughed at him when he was called to read aloud. He knew he was behind his grade, so he slowly gave up on learning to read. Another boy in his class, though, recognized Charlie's difficulty with reading and asked him if they could play together during recess. Charlie wasn't used to this, but he said sure, of course.

Ronald, the other boy, wasn't quite popular either. His full name was silly, he was awkward, and he wasn't that smart, so all the kids didn't even try to be his friend. Ronald asked Charlie to hang out because he got lonely sitting at recess in the back alley reading silently to himself. It got too quiet, and in Ronald's family, quiet wasn't normal. Ronald asked Charlie to call him Mac in exchange for help on his reading, and Charlie happily said yes.

Mac spent his time at recess reading to Charlie, which helped Mac extend his ability and also helped Charlie learn. The two boys finished around two longer books a month, starting with the Wizard of Oz. Charlie thought the book was silly, but he liked hearing the words come from Mac. Sometimes, they would practice sounding out simple words and letters, so maybe Charlie wouldn't stumble over reading aloud in class. It wasn't perfect, but hey, it was better than being illiterate.

Charlie quite enjoyed the time spent with Mac, and eventually, he tried to see if they could maybe hang out after school, just to play. He asked Mac multiple times over, saying, "Please, Mac. I'm working really hard and I just want to play with my friend." but Mac refused. The more he was asked, the angrier Mac got, until finally he snapped at Charlie. For a week or so after that, Mac stayed inside during recess. He hated Charlie for being so nosy about his life. School was the one place he didn't have to worry about everyone knowing the truth about the McDonalds, and if Charlie knew the truth, he'd hate Mac.

Mac wanted to tell Charlie everything, but he didn't think Charlie would understand. Even though Charlie wasn't super bright when it came to reading, he seemed to have a good life, which Mac had never had. He just didn't want his school to know who his family really was, and he couldn't bare to lose his only friend.

Eventually, Charlie just gave up on trying to become friends with Mac again, but Mac had a change of heart. The boys quickly rekindled their friendship after Mac realized Charlie didn't have the perfect life. He had came to school with ripped shoes and a tattered shirt, and Mac thought it over. He went up to Charlie during recess and saw Charlie crying onto the pages of the Wizard of Oz.

Mac quietly sat down beside the boy and nudged him softly, trying to get his attention. The boy looked up at Mac and stifled his cries for a second.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Mac asked him gently, trying to comfort his friend.

"I just can't understand it! I'm so stupid. I don't know how to read, I can't spell. I'm just dumb. I need your help."

Mac shushed his friend, telling him he wasn't dumb. "Being smart isn't just a book thing, dude! You're funny and you make me laugh. I'll help, I'm sorry I got mad."

Charlie smiled through his tears and hugged his friend, thanking him for his help. Mac finally let Charlie see where he lived after that incident. Mac told him the truth about the fact that his family was sort of a mess, and Charlie told Mac that he didn't have a dad. It was funny, how two different people could relate on such a deep level, but they did it, even from such a young age.

Mac supported Charlie through everything, and Charlie trusted nobody except Mac. That would never change.

— Childhood Flashbacks: Age 12 —

Charlie had a secret. Well, he had multiple secrets actually. He never told anybody most of them. Some of them, not even Mac knew. By the time he was 10, he started to feel weird. He had gotten his first period at age 11 and his mom told him it was the beginning of becoming a woman, but that didn't really sound right to him. He wasn't quite sure the idea of becoming a woman fit him.

He started to think about being called Charles and was trying to work up the nerve to ask his very best friend to call him a boy. He didn't quite know how Mac would react though. Besides, even if he did work up the nerve, what was he going to tell him? He didn't really understand what was going on inside his own body, so how was he going to explain it to somebody else? He knew he was probably just overreacting, because Mac was his best friend who supported him no matter what, but telling him that something about his body was off seemed terrifying. Instead of telling him out loud, he wanted to just write to Mac about how he felt, but he still didn't quite understand writing.

Finally, despite being horrified, he told Mac everything. He explained to Mac how he didn't really see himself as a girl, which slightly confused Mac, but of course, who was Mac to judge? Mac slowly began to call Charlie a boy and he/him pronouns, occasionally calling him Charles to make him smile. Charlie loved that. He loved being so accepted for who he was. He still didn't quite understand what he was or who he was, but he knew he wasn't a girl, and he slowly began to express that to his mother as well. He was just happy his best friend still loved him regardless.

That was all that mattered to Charlie. All he ever cared about was Mac and Mac's approval. He didn't really understand why Mac was all he thought about, but he knew he enjoyed it. He spent his days hanging out with his best friend at the park, playing games in his basement, just watching TV on the couch. Even in times when others would be bored, Charlie and Mac were entertained and happy, simply because they had each other. They were each other's whole world.

— A/N —

ok so!! hi i'm noah ! this is only the first chapter and most of this is just to get plot details out of the way. YES this fic will be trans!charlie. yes, mac is gay, as always. YES mac will struggle with his sexuality. yes, i'm gonna include some angst bc hi this is charmac...... also every single chapter will be titled after a song from my charmac playlist thank u!! <3

#mac iasip #iasip #iasip au #charlie iasip #macdennis #charmac #trans!charlie #40ozoffanfic

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discourseboyfriends · 5 years

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(Might be a long one) Ever since I followed your blog, I've been trying to rationalize he/him lesbians in my mind. Yes, gender is weird and yes I'll use their preferred pronouns regardless of my stance. But I just don't understand it unless they're basically saying "I have a vagina and I'm attracted to people with vaginas, and I also equate a vagina to womanhood, therefore I can use whatever pronoun I want but I'm still a woman who loves women based on said beliefs" (1/?)

(2/?) And that’s always struck me as deeply transphobic. I personally want to separate my identity as much as I can from my body. I don’t want a vagina and I sure as hell wouldn’t date someone who claims to be only into women but say they are willing to date trans men as well. It’s not okay for my ex BF who was cishet to do that, and it sure as hell isn’t okay for lesbians to do that. All this talk about “gender =/= pronouns and gender =/= your clothes” become moot when people say

(3/?) say he/him lesbians are cisgender women with “a complicated relationship with gender”. Like that’s literally the definition of being non binary/non gender conforming. Add on top of that a more masculine leaning POV and you have a… Person who’s relationship with gender is complicated. Which is like me. Masculinity is different for everyone. I don’t want chest hair or a beard, but I wear suits, use male/gender neutral pronouns, would like to undergo surgery/HRT, and /am a boy/.

(4/?) Ultimately I just want to understand them. I know cisgender people may use pronouns not used by their gender (I.e: drag queens using she/her while in drag and he/him while out). But I also realize that drag was often the gateway for many trans people to recognize their identity. In fact, the gay/lesbian community was ALWAYS tied with trans people, it’s just internal transphobia that causes people to erase these experiences and pretend that drag queens can’t be women or kings can’t be men.

(5/5) In the end people experience gender differently. If being feminine means wearing a suit, then go for it. If being masculine includes wearing nail polish, go for it. Like to me, having a beard or being hairy isn’t part of my experience of masculinity. Short hair, stylish suits, pants, t-shirts and jeans, a deeper voice, and a flat chest are. Maybe it is for you, maybe it isn’t, but it goes to show that you don’t need to conform to a gender based on stereotypes to /be/ that gender.

Okay I… actually really love a lot of the points that you bring up, anon?

Especially regarding the statement “"a complicated relationship with gender". Like that’s literally the definition of being non binary/non gender conforming” because tbh… yeah, honestly? Like with how it’s always so harped on “lesbians feel a disconnect from womanhood! And dysphoria! And want to go by he/him! And want HRT or top surgery!” It’s very… Yikes? Like… what do you think a trans dude EXPERIENCES?

In general, we’ve heard from a lot of different people who’s former identity as lesbian kept them from realizing that they were men specifically BECAUSE they staked so much on the identity of A) making men the enemy at worst and a joke at best, and B) lesbians being lesbians no matter how far their gender suggests them not being lesbians. Idk…just… from what I’ve heard from guys who formerly identified as lesbians, a lot of their consensus seems to be that it’s pushed SO hard that not identifying with womanhood is normal and this NEVER makes a lesbian a man that it’s… super unfriendly to people figuring out that they’re men.

While I personally differ on my opinion of drag queens/kings (Not that I view you as “wrong”, I just am shaky due to my understanding of what drag is? But that’s another ramble entirely that I won’t force on you rn without somebody asking to hear it) I do agree on a large scale about gender being personal and widely differing across people. There’s no singular across-the-board role in relationships that men feel comfortable taking, there’s no singular body type that men feel comfortable having, there’s no singular presentation that men feel comfortable expressing, there’s no single perception of reality that is the correct “male” way to perceive.The thing that makes us men isn’t some abstract gene we could take a DNA test to find, or our presentation, or what bodies we want, or even our personal opinions of what “experiencing the world from a man’s pov” is like.

The thing that makes us men and very clearly men is the fact that maleness connects with us in a way that womanhood...doesn’t. Like a disconnect from womanhood.Like a desire to be recognized as male and have he/him used for us.Like a degree of discomfort with either our primary or secondary sex characteristics.Like... experiencing literally everything else most he/him lesbian supporters say is DEFINITELY still a female-indicating trait women can experience.Hm.

#Anonymous #wolf #weird gender #lemon discourse #long post #text heavy #This reply is a fucking mess ayyyyyyy guess who is half delirious and only halfway through extensive paper research #and scholarship applications #anyways love you anon I hope you're having a good day my dude

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polyputthekettleon · 3 years

Text

Having feels about medication, and how the fuck am I feeling, anyway?

I had a good chat with a girlfriend of mine last night (but not one of my *girlfriends*, oh goodness, #queerpolyamproblems). She happened to message me about exactly the same thing I was planning to journal about, so I ended up basically just journaling to her.

She asked me how my medications are going -- it's officially been three weeks since I started the guanfacine, 2 weeks since I started the methylphenidate. I told her, my meds are "physically fine," and how this week I did indeed step up my methylphenidate dose (with my provider's consent) from 18mg daily to 36mg daily. I meant to journal about that here, but c'est la vie. Perhaps it is a good thing that that has been a lower priority to me this week; maybe this is the saner, less anxious approach?

To that point, I *think* (big emphasis on the "think", there) that the higher dose is working better for me. I've been more capable of accomplishing tasks I've been avoiding this week, and I've felt more motivation and capacity in general. That said, this could also be due to the thing that prompted me to have fucking feels about my medication regimen in the first place, so... (more on that in a lower paragraph!)

As far as if things are actually better... I don't know. I've read a bunch of different articles trying to parse out what shift in my experience I'm trying to achieve. D describes the experience of her medication taking effect as her brain coming out of a fog, and that's something I've seen described by other people too. But I don't (and haven't) experienced anything I would call a "fog" at all related to the methylphenidate outside of literally two incidences where I felt rather disconnected from my body about an hour after I took it, and then that faded away again within the next hour.

When she asked me if I was still dealing with daily "crying attacks" (her words), I said that the guanfacine seems to be doing a good job on that front. And it really is -- that, or I've somehow gotten over what I was dealing with before. I honestly can't tell. It sounds like there have been some studies showing it's effective at treating anxiety in children and teens, so I guess we'll assume it's working for me too (::shrugs::).

Let me be clear: I am rather fucking displeased about the guanfacine being effective at calming the anxiety cycle that I was in. I was working to reply to people who had commented on my post about grief on the partners of trans folks Reddit board (another one of the "maybe I have more spoons now?" activities I've engaged in this past week), and while was doing that, I just had this flash of recognition of how utterly fucked up I was basically all of December and January, even with the occasional moments of not so fucked up... I was a sobbing mess. I was a crazy mess. And now, I'm not. In fact, I'm feeling more "normal" than I have in a long time, and when I recognized that, I had a glimmer of feeling proud of myself for the fact that I'm doing better, and then I tried to for transparency in one of my replies and mentioned that I was grateful that my anxiety medication was helping me not be trapped in the anxiety spirals that I had been in... and sometime after that my fragile sense of pride and pretend 'okayness' about the situation crumbled. Because I've been doing better since I started taking the guanfacine.

Yes, I felt mildly sedated for the first couple days, and felt like I was accessing too small a range of emotions for the first 3 or 4 days, and wanted to take a nap every single afternoon for the first week, until I started taking the methylphenidate (which could just be a coincidence), BUT I wasn't bursting into tears on a daily basis. I wasn't spiraling up. For the record, I'm still feeling weirdly held back from my full range of emotional experience: there have been multiple occasions the last couple of days where I've been wanting to cry but haven't reached a level of emotional intensity to be able to do so, and I don't know how I feel about that (generally I'm grumpy about it) -- and I am not getting as instantly fired up in response to either D or J saying stupid shit (which is probably a good thing, honestly).

I'm not thrilled about my no longer being so fucked up being so very suggestively tied to me starting psychiatric treatment.

My friend summed it up well: "That’s a hard moment to pass through where you realize how bad things were."

Yeah. If this is that moment, then yeah. This is a hard moment.

She said that she's glad I'm feeling better, that there was "a legit lot going on for you." I felt just as bitter reading her saying it as I did when I hear D say how she's glad to see me doing better, that she's happy to see me more at peace.

I don't feel happy about it. I feel fucking pissed off.

Again, girlfriend hit the nail on the head: "Yeah, I know it feels all really fraught. And you want the meds to work, but the meds working means you worry something is wrong with your brain and you’re broken, which makes you judge yourself really harshly."

Yeah ... I don't want the meds to work, I want my brain to fucking work.

I've been trying to figure out since my initial realization- is this a new thing in my life, then? Is this going to be my always thing? Am I always going to be taking fucking brain meds? Because I don't normally cry every day and break down on doorsteps -- or at least, I didn't. But I did in December and January.

I'm trying to figure out how much anxiety has been in my life prior to this most recent mess. I was trying to sort things out with J's help last night -- is this new? Has my brain changed since when I was younger? Or is it my social environment that's changed and this is how it's affecting me to live in so much flux? Did the fairly frequent freakouts of the last three years (thanks polyamory) finally just break my brain and give me permanent anxiety??

J shared that he remembers early in our relationship, people in his life who would, after getting to know me a bit, say things like that I seem to be my own harshest critic, and that he views that externalized critic that people can see as a manifestation of my anxiety.

So basically, that he can see it having been around for a long time

But then in the stuff about ADHD, it talks about how anxiety is one of those things that can can result from undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.

The question I'm ultimately trying to answer is if in the future I stop taking guanfacine, will I just go back to spiraling up? I have no fucking idea, *but* this has led to me starting to learn a bunch more about anxiety disorders as well as starting to chew through studies like this one (linked below) that talk about the treatment combo I'm following.

I feel frustrated and like I'm grasping, and I don't know what's going to allow me to feel a sense of peace and acceptance around this. Ugh.

#journal #brain stuff

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auroraphilealis · 7 years

Note

Hey! I've been reading your work for a while now. Actually both yours and Julia's for a while. And I've only just finished catching up with Steal My Heart. And I had some like constructive criticism? Don't take me the wrong way. I love both of your writing and thought this might help for your next story, because I really would like to see you both collaboration again. Okay so the part where they are on the journey, the whole I love you, trust me thing, gets repeated a lot of times(1/?)

Like maybe twice is enough to get the point across to the reader and the insecure character. The dragon fight scene chapter was brilliant and the whole build up to their relationship was amazing as well. Things I found kind of lacking- For Dan being the villain turned hero, there wasn't much delving into his villainous story except yeah bad things I did them. (2/?) The other lacking thing was other gender/sexuality characters. So there was Cornelia, Phil's mum and the witch. Why not make Brandon a mtf trans character or a badass lesbian or Chris a mad but fucking smart woman? For a story where everyone considers homosexuality normal (which should be every story ever!) I found a strong lack of female and other sexuality characters. (3/?)But really feel free to ignore me. I'm just a small bunch of stupid molecules held together by biology. I only felt like expressing my opinion because I love this story and thought it could be much better and I have always loved both of your works. Please don't take me the wrong way. Share this with Julia if you'd like or ignore me completely. I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I hope you both are doing well and never stop writing! Bye (4/4)

I’m going to be honest here. I understand where you’re coming from, and I can recognize that you in no way intended to upset me, and that, at the very least, you didn’t say these things with the intent to cause any kind of fight. You meant no harm, and therefore I answer this message purely because I feel I have something very important to say about some of the points you brought up, and I think that this is a good excuse for me to bring up my thoughts, even while knowing that you didn’t mean harm in sending me this message.

1. The reason the whole I love you, trust me thing gets repeated so many times is due to the fact that these two people are from very, very different walks of life that, in the end, should mark them as enemies. They’re relationship begins as enemies. They have no reason to trust one another, and the theme needed to be echoed time and time again to show the struggle that they are both going through in terms of trusting each other. At any one second, they are terrified that their partner is going to turn on them and turn out to just be using them for one thing or another.

2. Dan isn’t a villian turned hero. That’s the whole point. Dan isn’t a villian, he’s just someone who is viewed as a villian by people who would see his theiving as villianous. It’s the classic Robin Hood story, stealing from the rich to give to the poor, and being a hero all along. The story arc is that Phil discovers the truth behind his own fucked up World. At the same time, I can agree that in editing we did add a lot of Dan talking about horrible things he has done or has had to do but glossed over them, and we could have made that a bit better in the end.

4. The lack of sexuality in the characters is on purpose. The concept of sexuality doesn’t exist in the world we created. People don’t feel a need to use the terms that we created in our world, because the characters in this world have no concept on sexuality based hate. It doesn’t matter who they find most attractive, because no one cares, and that was the biggest thing I strove to weave into this world; the concept of normalizing sexuality and turning it into something that just... is a kind of utopia from hate based on sexuality. I know it’s not realistic, but that doesn’t matter. Not every story needs to be as realistic as possible.

3. This is the point that I find incredibly important. What upset me was this idea that every single story needs to include one of each kind of character. There should be only one gay man, one gay women, one bisexul person, one pansexual, one strong female, one strong male but not too strong cause men already have a million stories about them that include them being strong. What upset me was the idea that our story wasn’t enough because we chose to focus on YouTube characters known to be in Dan and Phil’s lives, and also Dan and Phil themselves. What upsets me is this idea that our story isn’t good enough because we should have made Brandon a female instead of a male just so we could have more female representation. What upsets me is that despite going to great lengths to do the one thing I wanted to do, which was to normalize the LGBT community, people feel that we didn’t go far enough because we chose to focus on two characters who never use a label, but who also happen to be male, and surround them with who JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE male characters. What upsets me is this idea of having to pander to everyone and create the perfect story by making every single one of my readers happy by including them in the story in one way or another. When does it end? Never. Any story I, my co-author, us together, any other write, creates, will NEVER be enough. There will always be something more we need to add, more kinds of characters, more representation, and it’s not possible. We wrote this story for fun. We don’t get paid for it. We have spent an entire YEAR working on this to make it as beautiful as possible, and to be attacked because our representation wasn’t enough... that makes me want to give up.

Imagine if we had made the Duke, a Duchess for the sake of having two people in Phil’s life of different genders trying to court him. People would hate us for making the female character into a villian, for making the gay aspect of the story better then the “straight” one. Imagine if we’d made Brandon a woman. She looks up to Dan more than anything, and people would be mad that we’d put her in a position of being “less than a man”.

Nothing we could have done was every going to please everyone. So please, stop attacking others because their story isn’t perfect enough.

@ineverhadmyinternetphase Please feel free to add anything you want.

#asks #writing #phandom #phan #steal my heart #Anonymous

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snapedefender · 7 years

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You are like one of those weird, Hillary supporting, feminazi girl. The one who can't see that not liking a transperson could also just be a turn off for them. That's like you seeing someone cute across the room or even by you. Soon enough you guys talk and she reeks of some scent in which you distaste. That or you notice she/he's much to young for you. So you are automatically turned off. Same can go for transpeople. You saying that we don't see them romantically/sexually is not transphobic.

I mean I’m all for your blog on supporting Snape, your trans! Snape doesn’t bother me (that much), and I’m not totally grossed out by it, and I still support you and the blog. What I don’t support is calling us a bunch of transphobes for not like the idea. Or not wanting to be with a trans person. You remind me a lot like Riley Dennis, you should listen to Blair White or Andiwarski and get some sense. All three are youtubers by the way :)

(assuming these are from the same person…. sorry if they’re not i guess?)

lmao okay. this isn’t my personal blog & i’m on here to talk about snape so i really don’t fucking want to answer any more asks about this so this is going to be the last one.

yes! i am one of those “weird” hilary supporting feminazis. (hey here’s a protip: feminazi is a fucking nasty term that tries to make being feminist a bad thing and you shouldn’t use it.) i’m a dirty feminist, i’m bisexual, i’m a liberal, and i fucking hate donald trump’s guts. i think the rich should pay higher taxes & we spend too much money on the military and white cops are killing black kids bc they know they can get away with it. i’ve admitted it, you caught me.

i don’t know how much fucking clearer i can be but: not being attracted to a single trans person doesn’t make you transphobic. refusing to date them or saying that you could never be attracted to a trans person (e.g. applying it to the entirety of the trans community) IS transphobic. it’s not remotely comparable to not being attracted to someone bc you dislike their smell or they’re too young for you (which is what i’m assuming that confusingly worded comparison was meant to convey.) i’m sorry this is such a wild idea for some of you guys, i’m sorry you’re sad to be called transphobic but that’s literally what it is and i’m not interested in trying to spare your feelings about the subject.

you want to know why this is a touchy subject for me? i get this a lot. “oh i won’t date bi people” is a thing i have fucking heard many times over. and it’s not even as bad for me and my community as it is for trans people, but it’s fucking hurtful to hear that, as if bisexual people are interchangeable, as if all i am is my sexuality and not a person. as if when people hear that i’m bi, they can’t see past that to see if they’d actually like ME as a human being because they’re too busy assuming what i am based on my sexuality.

trans people exist outside of their gender identity. i’m sorry it’s rough for you to understand that, i’m sorry that you are literally incapable of understanding something that i have explained at least four (4) times TODAY but preferences are not free from bias and saying “i don’t date trans people” is gross and transphobic. get this! thru your skull:

trans people have wild and varied physical appearances and personalities and when you judge them as interchangeable because they’re trans that’s discrimination

and when you’re saying “i won’t date trans people” that’s treating them as interchangeable bc you’re saying they’re all the same….. when they’re NOT. the same goes for black people, the same goes for any goddamn minority on this godforsaken earth. “i won’t date black people” leads into “i think all black people are the same so i’ve decided i can’t be attracted to any of them because of this Idea of Black People I Have in my Head” the same goes for trans people.

listen the fuck to me. trans people already have a fucking hard time finding love considering the discrimination they face in their own goddamn community, let alone from cis people. so stop trying to tell me that your “innocent” preferences for cis people, who we’ve been conditioned since birth to see as “normal” and “desirable” lack any transphobia and just accept that you might actually have some bias in the people you want to get with.

having bias is normal my man. we grow up in a toxic society and it’s really really rough to shake that shit off. me saying “hey that’s transphobic” shouldn’t get you on the defensive - instead maybe consider what the fuck i’m saying and take a look at your own actions. the best way to deal with bias is to recognize it when it pops up and do your best to get rid of it…. not pretend it isn’t there.

sorry to take a step away from snape with this discussion but this is a subject near and dear to my heart

#Anonymous #trans politics #not snape related

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