#well i didnt but internally i did

[rainbow-wolf120]

Guys guys. Look at this

BETA RAMON DESGINS OMGGGGG

I really really REALLY wanna draw the suit version now. ARGHHHHNNMM

It stinks that they're not in the art book BUT THEYRE HERE NOW

Bros so insane I love it <3

Og Tweet:

#i literally screamed when i found this #well i didnt but internally i did #HES SO SILLY OMGGG #hes not having it <3 #he was also gonna have a little hatt djejwieh #rayman #captain laserhawk #captain laserhawk a blood dragon remix #clh #clh rayman #clhabdr #clh ramon #consept art #ramon #beta designs #netflix #ubisoft #captainlaserhawk #captain lazerhawk rayman #captain lazerhawk blood dragon remix #captain lazerhawk #im gonna draw it watch me #him in his suit and silly hat #YOU CANT STOP ME NOWW

[raspberryjellybrains]

I really enjoy the contrast between the attitude towards killing in PJO and MCGA. Percy doesn't like killing and only does it when he has to, while feeling very tortured that he is quite good at violence despite wanting to avoid it. then Magnus shows up and his first resort is killing and he is so so bad at it. his sword is swinging him for god's sake, this boy is so cringefail at fighting and it is his first instinct, which goes entirely unquestioned. really a beautiful, beautiful contrast.

#HES SO FUNNY LIKE BABYGIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! WHY ARE YOU SO FULL OF RAGE!!!! #percy scares himself and hates it but magnus. he scares neither himself nor others but would like to! very muchly #and i love percy dearly as well bevause hes such a compelling and complex character so i love that internal conflict #but the contrast. gorgeous. #also in tkc. its like having those two fighting each other for control. #carter: what if we didnt kill everyone now #sadie: what if we did. that would be so cool and easier. #carter: nO- #percy jackson #magnus chase #pjo #mcga

[wildstar25]

I2 or A1 for that pose meme? Whichever one you wanna do more.

polyam pose meme

For the first few moons of their being together, Arsay was often hesitant to ask of both Y'shtola and G'raha's time. They were still settling into a dynamic and she was worried it would put unnecessary stress on the budding relationship. However, not a single soul in The Crystarium, not even she herself, could deny how much joy it brought the Warrior of Light to simply stroll about The Rotunda hand in hand with her beloveds.

#ffxiv #wolgraha #wolexarch #wolshtola #y'shtola x wol #y'shtola rhul #crystal exarch #g'raha tia #Arsay Nun #graharshtola #thank you for the ask!! i wanted to do both but only had time for the one #rare exarch era wolship pose though!! #i didnt really end up doing a lot of exarsay poses while i was in shb #mostly cause i was going through it like a roller coaster #but also because i feel like g'raha always held back while he was still on the first #so their relationship was pretty stagnate beyond just being cute and kissing sometimes #it was also a lot of g'raha having a lot of internal strife about what to do with his life going forward #and remembering what it is to live for himself #idk i think about it a lot and blackout for 6 hours and i wake up with 15 new text posts in my drafts #Also yeah I think the few times they did do triad dates like this #it was so unbelievably obvious to shtola that this was the happiest arsay has ever been #was there an initial sting of 'im not enough for her'? yeah absolutely but shtola is pragmatic enough to not let that turn into resentment #Shtola understands Arsay really well and knows that she often hides behind that smile of hers. she loves Arsay and wants for her to #be genuinely happy ! so if it means someone else has to hold arsay's other hand for that to happen #its like... so be it y'know? #at least thats the way i think about it

[zymstarz]

yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

#zymart #zymtalk #rant in the tags -> #okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st #the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL #i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board #bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route #and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week #then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway' #and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened' #'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly #in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized #after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??' #but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure. #horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly #SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible. #im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it #oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]: #that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi #i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie #[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim] #but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long. #but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now #idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim #but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it #anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty. #side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶 #you are not safe

[milkbreadtoast]

Sakura Kiss English Lyrics

Was suddenly overcome by nostalgia and in a frenzy wrote my own english lyrics for Sakura Kiss (Ouran HSHC) just now while in the shower MFNSMND it was fun and I'm actually p proud of these... Sharing in case anyone wants to do a cover w these lyrics!!🥹 (pls credit and show me if u do🥺)

I also did a v quick recording (v out of breath😵‍💫) to show how the lyrics match up w the song 🫣 LMAO (i dropped my phone in the beginning KFJSJ)

EDIT: I did a new cover here! A bit less out of breath this time🤧

(raw text under cut)

Sakura Kiss

(milkbreadtoast ver)

KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE (HEY HEY HEY)

I've realized that all this time... you've always been right here with me

But is it hate, or like, or am I going crazy?

If i could look inside my heart

and see my feelings clear as day,

lady or host, it doesn't(/wouldn't) matter either way.

When love comes into our lives,

we dont always know why

but when i look in your eyes...

MAYBE YOU'RE MY LOVE

I want(/need) to see you now

so I can give you a cherry blossom kiss, and if your heartbeat skips then it's love you know!

Tomorrow's far away, let's focus on today

It's just you and me,

and this beautiful spring

is a flower's blooming hour of love!

(HEY HEY) MAYBE YOU'RE MY LOVE!

#ouran high school host club #sakura kiss #ouran hshc #ohshc #english lyrics #english cover #anime cover #lyrics #my lyrics #writing en lyrics for anime songs has actually been a lowkey hobby of mine for yrs lol #im p proud of these tho they work p well w the song and keep the gist of the og jp #and its fun to make the lines rhyme... (esp sneaking in internal rhymes n stuff) #OH BTW i didnt reference any other en cover or ver for this bc i wanted it to be my own ver... #ik there r a lot of other en covers out there (ive only heard the cristina vee ver back in the day #and i remember being unsatisfied w the lyrics bc they didnt match the jp and also didnt make much sense KFJJD sorry #so ive been wanting to write my own for a while... FINALLY SPONTANEOUSLY DID LMAO #o btw i didnt look at/listen to the en dub ver at all JDJSKDJ i hate it so much that i cant stand hearing more than a few secs #ouran #OH BTW (again) I purposely took out 'maiden' from the last line :) #(otome in the jp) #nonbinary moment... #singing #cover

[girlwithfish]

bpd vs cptsd is really confusing also bpd vs autism. anyway

#and like the debate that bpd is just cptsd #and is a disorder rooted in trauma #but trauma also isnt a diagnostic requirement but also idk if i believe ppl w bpd who say they have no trauma at all #well im sure there r exceptions but also think a lot of ppl downplay trauma they went thru #nd ppl say bpd/personality disorders in general r from trauma and learned trauma responses for survival #But reading up abt cptsd lately its like everything also resonates w ne #me #but i still think i am like textbook definition of bpd lol. i was in a split for literally a week #it was hell i actually dont know how i survived bc i was so close to kmsing a lotttt bc mental illness is running my life rn #and making it unbearable!! i am just tryi g to find internal safety again and trust in others and #build my own resilience and trust in myself above all. reparentify myself and learn how to make a #sustainable life for myself when ive been trying to function like a - #'normal' neurotypical stable person for all my life and had no idea my mental problems ran this deeply #like iwish i had gotten help sooner. i feel horrible my life has gotten to this point bc i did nothing abt it when i was a kid or younger #adult bc i didnt know i guess. idk #i just realized my.upbringing has a bigger effect than i even know on who i am today. i have sm repressed memories too lmfao

[hauntingblue]

Zoro with tashigi makes me so insane.... "I can't tolerate your existence" "you say all the stupid things she said"

#which btw the things kuina said were not stupid.... like that's just misogyny zoro that's just them facts.... he is just mad it is true #and like reasonably but he internalizes them still lmao #zoro is like the most misogynist feminist ally #its the i cant handle my feeling so i cant handle yours either #i won't fight you bc you're a woman but not bc i hate u is bc women are weaker than me (a man) but like respect #SHE DOES HAVE SORU. WHY NOT USE IT MORE IDK..... #nami will hit the children with the stick or what... #TASHIGI SHIGUN!!! SHIGUN!!! #AND IS THIS THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN HAS BEEN BADLY INJURED IN A FIGHT???? BC NAMI IN ARABASTA WAS THE FIRST GETTING HER FEET IMPALED BUT IT #DIDNT MATTER THAT MUCH AFTER LMAO #well at least zoro hit her lmao #this is a loss for feminism everywhere this has set women back 100 years #and all this so zoro can hit a woman. i guess that's progress but not on poor tashigi's honor and physical wellbeing lmao #did he use haki to scare her???? hello? what happened???? IN HALF??? #jesus christ he couldnt have done that earlier #so no haki??? #what the hell is that then #i think the problem is that zoro respected kuina bc she was better than him. and like thats his standard to respecting women.... #and as he gets better it gets harder to reach lmao #zoro hates sanji so much bc deep down he is the same #... omg #also tashigi end his ass!!! wdym he lets you have the credit. cut him in half hamburger style #luffys climbing technique.... interesting to say the least... #talking tag #watching one piece #episode 613

[plan-3-tmars]

obviously vote however you want and I respect kazui guilty voter's opinions but if I see one more person say that kazui used hinako i will riot

#like ur opinins are yours but thats just. wrong?? #“or perhaps IT COULD COME TRUE.. like.. its FOR THE SAKE OF TRUE LOVE.. who wouldnt lie for that?” #he says “perhaps it could come true” like he married her because he thought it would make him fall in love with her!!!! #it wasnt his intention to use her and he never. did. he was just stuck in a situation he didnt know how to get out of #like i dont like when people villainize hinako to support their kazui arguements but i also dont like it when. its the other way around #the prisoner's r morally grey thats the point nobody there is inheriently evil #also some of you dont know how internalised homophobia works #(this is assuming the gay kazui theory is correct) #like its not just something that. happens. you INTERNAILZE the ideas and view u hear other people say #whether thats society or family or friends or whatever #and seeing as kazui has said that his family are embarrased of him. well. #ive just seen some people say “even if kazui has internalized homophobia it isnt an excuse” and like.. yeah its not its a reason #but like. thats not an easy thing to deal with (ESPECIALLY if it because of family views) like thats not just something you shake off #idk.. i just feel like people are dismissing his a big part of his character being about societal expectations on love #okay. rant over #milgram #kazui mukuhara

[aria0fgold]

Honestly my headcanoning for The Cursing of Chateau Castle lore continues cooking in my brain like I got more for it but it's all in the microwave for now. Like I got a whole ass storyline for Pierre and Lady Irene. With how hardcore hc-ing I am bout these characters, it makes it seem like they're my OCs but no they're like-- my half-children I think? isat is the other parent of course. I got nothing else to go off of in regards to the chateau trio but the small crumbs and a dream.

#aria rants #like bout pierre's home life being The Worst ever. and like the internal monologue he'd have after sacrificing their castle #imagine going through all that ordeal. joining the supposed ''heroes' party'' and then betraying The Hero aka josephandre #all for your own family to recognize you as being worthy of being a part of the family. so that you can be recognized as a noble #but in the end it wasnt enough. he wasnt happy. in the end pierre was happiest with josephandre and the others so he #went around. turned their back on the ppl he has spent majority of their life proving their own worth to go back and save #the first genuine friend he ever had in ages and the cost of that being the very castle they wanted to be a part of #so in the end. he never got to actually be called ''lord'' he didnt have a place in the family. he lost the castle #but thats fine anyway cuz he found a home with josephandre and the others BUT THEN!!! he apparently got into a near-death #experience like how horrible is that??? to have your title stripped away from you from birth and then abandon the #one chance and opportunity to have that title for the sake of saving your friend and realizing that it'd be better to just be #with them instead but before that moment can even sink in well enough-- YOU'RE NOW ON THE EDGE OF DEATH! #yea pierre is turning out to be my fave character from like-- that mentions of them betraying the party and then #sacrificing their own castle to save josephandre and then the fate of them possibly dying near the end of the series #like that guy went THROUGH IT. not as much as josephandre but he really did just went through it and im like-- out here #using my brain power to the maximum in filling in the blanks cuz i got attached to 3 characters with only a name and #some information. i got some more in regards to lady irene and josephandre too btw like-- this is for you mirabelle #im spreading the cursing of chateau castle propaganda as best as i can with the crumbs im given

[samarecharm]

Scheming…

#chattin #taking time to draw and write out a relationship/dynamics chart for the thieves and assorted friends #bc theres. alot. and it would be nice to write it out. it would help establish my thoughts about them #its not poly/thieves but its. kind of adjacent to it. but its less shippy and more focused on how they interact- #-and behave with one another. like theyre kinda bonded together over everything. lines get a little blurred but its what works for them #and i think lumping them all together as poly/thieves is a shortcut for breaking down their character #like obv akira has diff relationships for everyone; but how do THOSE people react to others ?? #like pego/ryu is real and true but also ann is absolutely there. u cannot separate them. #theyre the shujin delinquents to me LOL. they are too tightly bound together to let any external relationship split them at this point #akiras not w goro; its akira AND ryuji w goro. like akira and goro would just not work; but ryuji make its work well yknow? #goro doesnt get third wheeled w ann and vice versa bc ann and goro are good friends; they just hang :) #its like. if u could SEE the fucking string of connections making a mess of my white board in my minds eye…😭 #so im trying to write it down into something that works for me #i dunno. i think its fun :) i did this for ffxv too #only that was way easier bc its just the four of them. but like. how do their internal relationships affect the overall polycule ? #anyway. inspired by that love post; that theres diff kinds of love. and kiss ryuji week LOL #bc i wanted to write a small thing with different thieves for each prompt #and im like how would their relationships differ from one another ? #ryuji and akira but also ryuji with makoto. ryuji w haru. ryuji w yusuke. its like. #u cant use the same thing from most pego/ryu fics bc they DIDNT meet the same way #waugh. #rambling #just know that im insane. i have all these wips and nothing FINISHED. waaa. #this is what that post meant about being obsessed over bad media LMAO. this is just what happens #u stay up thinking about fake polycules from a game that came out seven years ago #i think…. #WHAT. 2016??? #EIGHT years ??? #funny bc i was thinking about how ffxv was eight yesrs old and i am still a mess over it #well. could u imagine if i played p5 when it LAUNCHED instead of in 2020???

[gouinisme]

last 2 journals + next 1

#they're all pretty different styles i like that #been trying to have more fun with my journals #wait nvm i did have a journal between the eye one and the sticker one but it was completely uncustomized and didn't last long #so we'll ignore that #i also fully didn't journal for like 2 weeks bc i had done the sketch for my new journal but didn't feel like painting it #and i didnt wanna write in a black plain journal again #that feels too functional and not.. like.. it doesnt encourage me to get creative with it #anyways #turns out i had some metallic pens hiding somewhere so i used that #been feeling in a wolfy mood #i'm sad with how scuffed the stickers on my previous journal #which extra sucks cuz the letters are from bumper stickers what do you mean they're the least durable stickers i had #but oh well they were free anyways. and it kinda looks cool gives it a more well worn feel #makes the three ish months i spent carrying it around with me everywhere visible so that's nice #i really like my journals i like journaling so much #like my journals are not aesthetic whatsoever they're very practical and chaotic but i like that about them #i feel like journaling like. placebo relieves the pressure in my brain #i do not have an internal monologue i have an internal cacophony it's like a fucking assemblée générale in there #so writing it all down is very soothing to my brain and painful to my wrists #it just feels like writing is the only time my thoughts can be interpreted and even if they're going in a thousand directions they're still #easier to follow than just. thinking #and then i can surround my thoughts with doodles and receipts and shit #or a strand of my own hair #that is something that is actually in one of the journals pictured abov #anyways why am i ranting down here i've got a new journal to fill #you know what i'm tagging this #journaling #cuz i think my journals are cute and ppl should see them i'm really proud of them #even though a lot of this is stickers i still feel like it looks real cute #doodles

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again #it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof #is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head #my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the #middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up #like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles. #the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable #bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to #ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on #lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life #anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been #like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i #might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it #i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt #the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective #but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch. #itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work #but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops #not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy #ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day #ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time #ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea #of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i #get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism #ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes #unrelated

[catmemey]

newness? maybe.

#big tags ahead fyi #last chapter in the [redacted] saga probably for a little bit #i responded to his message from last night #i didnt want to go overboard with being affectionate in a romantic way or anything #so i went a softer route of thinking about how he's my closest friend and I still want to tell him what he means to me #so... it was still extremely genuine and i was vulnerable in saying all that #but... then his response was like. 'i think i get a bigger picture and maybe misunderstood what you had said' #and im internally like. wait. what do you mean. what did you misunderstand. #why does it sound like you think i only like you as a friend #because i dont but it felt selfish to dump all that on him #and he even apologized for dumping some of the things he said on me #but anyways. i panicked a little bit. #i guess i didnt want him to get the impression i wasnt interested at all #so i sent an obscure message being like 'well if its not selfish to say then i actually would have said more #but it felt selfish to say all that' #and then he was like 'well maybe i'll say one last thing. it isnt selfish to speak your mind.' #'and id rather be honest with each other if nothing else happens' #so i was like well ok here's my chance #and said that i want to and would date him if he was single and exclusive #and then he was basically like 'yeah me too but i care too much about [my gf] to end it' #which i knew #its just.......... a lot. #and i offered some advice about his relationship if he wanted #as long as he didnt care if it was hard hitting #and he was like 'sure let me see how you throw those punches' #so i lobbed some heavy questions at him #and he was like 'those werent bad. i cant say i know the answer to any of them' #so mission accomplished there i guess? #but... he said he wanted to have some time to himself to think everything over #which is very fair. there's so much

[koushirouizumi]

Repeat!Taichi: You deserve better than these... "One night Stands" or--- Repeat!KoushirO Izumi, Point Blank: I'd be *fine* with just "one night stands" Repeat!TAICHI:

#repeatverse #koutai #koushiro x taichi #repeat taichi #repeat koushiro #r18 koutai #r18 mention #allo-aro-spec!koushiro #demipan-sexual!koushiro #repeat spoilers #(L M A O) #(Koushiro Izumi 'I'd be FINE with just one night stands... Taichisan') #(Taichi You really have to get over your Internalized Issues) #(This was one of the best lines I ever wrote I think) #(Koushiro ' Taichisan while I very much appreciate your concern-- ') #(Koushiro ' How do I explain this to Taichisan Gently ... ') #(Taichi ' So Koushiro's saying Koushiro's *ok* with the fact *we* may have just had a One night Stand. Cool. OK. Cool OK COOL OK-') #(Taichi '...What if I had just left and never saw you again or did & didnt Say Anything? And it all 'went back' to the way we were before-' #(Koushiro ' Well for starters Taichisan we'd probably both be dead secondly ... I can't deny it might not happen the same way ') #(TAICHI Who had no idea Koushiro was Fine With One Night StandsTM when first lying eyes on Koushiro ' OK OK OK This Is Fine This Is ') #(YAMATO Once Taichi FINALLY EXPLAINS ' You mean you met this guy and had an {almost} ONE NIGHT STAND WITH HIM ?? ? ? ') #(TAICHI ' LOOK YAMATO Koushiro says Koushiro Doesnt MIND ONE NIGHT Stands ') #(Yamato 'Koushiro was saying Koushiro *wouldnt Mind* and *WANTS to sleep with you* or *would have multiple One Night Stands with you*') #(TAICHI ' I KNOW OK I KNOW ') #(YAMATO ' I can't believe you *didn't tell us* ') #(TAICHI ' You were bUSY ') #(YAMATO ' ..... ' ' Maybe ') #(Yamato ' *You* slept with Koushiro and found out about an entire multiverse of endless timelines in the span of One Week ') #(TAICHI ' LOOK Yamato I just *wanted Koushiro to feel Good* ') #(YAMATO ' You just wanted Koushiro to Feel Good . ')

[h3rmitsunited]

I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss.... #the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough #just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface #i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into #dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand #or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever #i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up #maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row #but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago #but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because #i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine #but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later #so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings #which is not fun #i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management #i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing #basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that #i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens #im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still #come on clarissa do a good job

[cocolacola]

watching the video series of someone rewriting TBC's story is so enlightening im like Woah maybe i dont have to put up with this shit if i imagine a cooler narrative in my head

#credits first ofc: #the series is Warcraft Imagined by Khanlusa! #there is something so intriguing to me about magtheridon and other demons taunting illidan after kael'thas' flee to netherstorm #warcraft as a franchise doesnt really lend itself to... dealing with deep internal conflicts by thinking through them. #so i like when those Issues manifest externally through stuff like that #back to mag like..... him telling illidan that everyone will leave him just like kael'thas did because of his 'ends justify the means' stuff #very important to me. we deserve more meaning behind kael leaving #besides that lame 'well uhh illidan didnt give him infinite magic so he dipped! bye bye!!' #which - dont get me wrong - can be super fun to explore if handled correctly #i just. wish it was. more often than not. #that's all for now surely i'll post more later #warcraft