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i-guess-im-into-this-now · 24 days

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The Apothecary Diaries

S1E9 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

Content Warning: discussion of suicide, suicidal thoughts

My character/location cheat sheet:

Sir Kounen - an officer who died drinking

Lady Ah-Duo - one of the top 4 concubines

Fengming - head LIW to Lady Ah Duo

Garnet Palace - Lady Ah Duo's residence

Cryptic opening. The officers are gossiping and drinking. Someone puts something in a drunk man's drink. He's a man who has had a fall from grace, perhaps a former well respected officer or war hero?

Jinshi is sulking. Love this for him. Gaoshun drops this line:

The Jinshi I know would never give in to such childish behavior. The Jinshi I know would never become so attached to a toy.

Which is reinforcing the theme that Jinshi is changing and he's not willing to keep up pretenses.

I don't love that Gaoshun has once again refered to Maomao as Jinshi's toy.

Apparently Lady Gyokuyou took pity on Jinshi and told him the truth, that Maomao hadn't hooked up with Lihaku. So this misunderstanding is cleared up but there was still damage done. Jinshi wants Maomao to trust him, to be able to come to him if she needs something, but instead she made a deal with a virtual stranger.

Gaoshun fills us in a little on how things have been on Jinshi's side. The day Maomao left the palace, Jinshi had rushed through his work because he had been looking forward to seeing her. He arrived at Jade Pavilion only to find she had left with another man. A shock and a disappointment to someone who is used to being able to use his sparkles to seduce any woman.

Jinshi's trying to wear a lot of hats. Here we see him reviewing bills that have been submitted by bureaucrats. Is this something that the Rear Palace manager is expected to handle, or are these responsibilities those of a prince? Gaoshun pities Jinshi for his workload. He has mostly managed it up until now, the exception being the time after the Garden Party when he became exhausted. It seems that Jinshi often has his hands full but can manage it until something unexpected is added to the queue. Even though he is so busy Jinshi makes time to see Maomao, but it's funny because she interprets that as him being bored and not having anything more important to do.

It seems Jinshi's workload will grow tonight however. An important man, Sir Kounen has died. Based on Jinshi's reaction to the news, this man was more than a mere acquaintance. Perhaps someone he served with in the military or someone he grew up around in the palace?

He seeks out Maomao the next morning. There is absolutely nothing to indicate that this is anything other than what it looks like which would be an accidental alcohol poisoning, but Jinshi is struggling to accept what happened and he needs to hear it from Maomao to know if it's true.

To Jinshi something isn't right. Sir Kounen could handle his alcohol, this was too sudden. And yeah, Jinshi definitely knew this man personally. He's upset that the man is dead for more than professional reasons. Jinshi doesn't seem to have a lot of close relationships, and now he's lost someone he knew and cared for. The timing of this is also challenging for Jinshi. At a time when he is trying to build up his close personal relationships, he loses one instead. And he's still reeling from everything that has been going on with Maomao. It must feel alienating.

Maomao notes that something is off with Jinshi.

He's acting meek. Must realize he's asking for the impossible. I prefer dealing with his usually-shiny self. Then again, for awhile now, Master Jinshi has been behaving more like a child.

Jinshi has emotions about this case and he's not interested in hiding them. He shows Maomao his grief and despair, and she's not comfortable with that. After the Garden Party when Maomao was poisoned she saw an incensed Jinshi and she knew she was seeing his real self. She preferred his real self then. Now she sees his pain, and that isn't something she can heal. She doesn't like to see him suffer. She'd prefer to see him sparkle over this pain.

And this is the second time this episode that someone has referred to Jinshi as childish. What is going on? Is it just because he is showing some emotion that he's getting called childish?

He's making himself vulnerable in front of Maomao and she's not great with vulnerability. Not in herself. And not in Jinshi. She has no idea what to do with a vulnerable Jinshi. She would prefer to deal with the sparkly Jinshi, even if that is a mask he wears. She doesn't understand yet that there is no going back to that. And she's too afraid to move forward with Jinshi. They're at an impasse.

Jinshi gives Maomao the booze that was served at the gathering and she proceeds to binge drink. Trying to poison herself maybe? She asks that they look into something for her.

Maomao really is superior. After she has the report she requested she easily solves the case of what happened to Sir Kounen AND offers her conjectures! I'm personally glad to see it after her self recrimination about it last episode. Maomao really does have good intentions, she wants to help identify the culprit (even if she does have some guilt about incriminating someone) and because it's Jinshi, she knows she can tell him and her words will be given careful consideration. Even so Maomao is conflicted with having shared her thoughts. If her conjectures ever do prove false and someone is hurt because of them, Maomao will be devastated.

Maomao sees Jinshi's mourning tassel and realizes why he's been acting strange. She does a kind thing and asks him about Sir Kounen. Seeing Jinshi reflect fondly on his memories, Maomao thinks he looks like a "regular person."

I guess he is human, after all.

The mask is off and the emotions are out and Jinshi is suddenly relatable. Where as before Maomao viewed him as some lofty official so far above such things as love or grief, now, in this moment, he's just a person who has lost someone he cared about.

Jinshi takes note of everything, with everyone, but especially with Maomao. It did not slip his notice that she loves booze. So today he has a gift for her, which she sincerely appreciates.

This whole scene has been too real for too long, and both of them are feeling a little too exposed. There isn't enough trust yet between them to maintain this level of intimacy. So Jinshi breaks the tension by teasing Maomao. She responds by accusing him of slacking, which is a well targeted shot, because the man is drowning in work.

They're teasing each other here, but having a real conversation, as Maomao asks him a question about his work. Jinshi really is quick witted because he shares with her about a bill that would ban young adults from drinking, landing his own well targeted shot. And then we get a sparkle from him. Nothing makes Jinshi happier than bantering with Maomao.

We get just a short glimpse of Jinshi later that night. He's alone, he's drinking, but he's also smiling. For as shitty as his day has been, he's feeling hopeful again after meeting with Maomao. He had let himself be vulnerable in front of her and she offered him a compassionate listening ear, by asking him about his deceased friend. She also asked him about his work because she's interested in learning more about Jinshi. And their banter felt comfortable, like they were returning to a place where they still knew where they stand with each other. He sees that although she has set some boundaries she's still interested and she's reaching out in her own careful way. Jinshi is insightful and I doubt any of that that was lost on him. Hence, his smile.

A woman's body was found in the moat around the palace. The doctor is as inept as ever. He can't bear to look at a dead body. Maomao doesn't feel repulsed at all, but has been ordered not to touch dead bodies since she struggles not to cross ethical lines when it come to her obsession with medicine. Jinshi concurs. Though I have question if that is the whole truth of the matter.

We get a nice interaction between Jinshi and Maomao.

Jinshi: There're somethings even you won't do, then.

Maomao: I figured you'd show up eventually.

Jinshi is teasing, knowing that it's going to be taken well. Maomao is just happy he's there, because his support and encouragement really does make it easier for her to solve these cases.

How on earth is this doctor going to manage to do this autopsy? He's so incompetent and unfit for his job, that I have to wonder if his placement in the palace is intentional. It seems unlikely that someone like that could have earned his placement, instead perhaps he was appointed precisely because of his incompetence. Maybe so that nafarious deeds could be done without notice?

Maomao doesn't touch the body, but she's not giving up on the case. She makes her observations and she seems deeply sad as she thinks about what the dead woman must have experienced. She realizes what happened to this girl and that realization, along with all of it's ramifications are having a powerful effect on her. She's unguarded for a moment and Jinshi notices.

Jinshi reviews the facts of the case with Maomao, but what he really wants are her thoughts on it, and he asks for them. Her conjectures that her father told her never to speak aloud. Maomao's powers of observation, and curiosity are unmatched, which she demonstrates as she logically lays out her theory of what happened to the servant girl.

Maomao's mood is darker than we've ever seen it before. She knows this could have easily been her, after all she is merely a servant girl herself. Up until now Maomao has seen people suffer and die from incompetence like with the poisonous powder, through malice that was meant to tease or harm, but not kill like with the fish that was served at the Garden Party or even the salt in Sir Kounen's alcohol. She has even seen people attempt to murder those who may deserve it, like with the horrible client at the brothel. She managed okay with each of those, but this time the target was a servant girl. Someone who's life means nothing and is easily discarded by people in power if she becomes inconvenient. The girl who died was powerless, like Maomao. And now she is dead.

Maomao considers thoughtfully for a moment both suicide and murder. She confirms that she doesn't want to die and wouldn't kill herself, but her reasoning for wanting to live is thin; she wants to continue testing drugs and poisons on herself. And though she claims she wouldn't kill herself, she has thought of how she would do it, which is a sign of just how dark her thoughts have been.

Jinshi has noticed her mood and asks for her thoughts. Maomao is vulnerable in this moment. Something she usually tries to avoid, but she's so despondent right now, it seems that even her usual anxiety around intimacy is subdued. She's in too dark of a place to even care what Jinshi thinks right now. Or maybe she just thinks he really needs to her this.

She tells Jinshi that she's thinking about what kind of poison she would use to kill herself. And Jinshi is in no way equipped for this conversation. He's so competent on so many levels, and he's not afraid of difficult conversations, but in this, he's lost.

Maomao says of dying:

It's not something that I want. But there are malicious third parties out there, who would wish to cause harm to other people.

It's not me today, but it may be tomorrow.

She continues on, talking about the inevitably of death.

We wander through life, never knowing when it's our time. That's fate. There's no way of resisting it.

They both turn away from each other and take a moment to think over the people who have suffered or died lately, and neither one knows quite what to do or say. They are both privately experiencing their own crisis in this moment.

Why is there so much evil in the world? Why so much suffering? Does any of it mean anything at if death is the end result anyway?

Maomao has been at the side of so much trauma as an apothecary and that trauma is now in conflict with her motivation to heal. If people suffer and die and none of it matters, then what does it mean to be a healer? This is Maomao's dark night of the soul.

Jinshi flounders. Where is this coming from? What changed? He can't read her thoughts here, he's as lost as he's ever been with Maomao and has no idea what to do. And he can't help her, because he doesn't understand. Maomao's on her own.

Maomao: If you're tasked with executing me, could you make sure it is with poison?

Both she and Jinshi may be powerless to prevent her death if someone in power wants her dead, so she asks for the one thing Jinshi could control, the method of her execution.

It's so, so dark. Such a terrible thing to ask of someone who cares about you. She recognizes that and apologizes.

But she's not wrong about the fact that it could happen. If she makes a mistake as she said, or if those malicious third parties that she mentioned earlier were to conspire. And the order to execute would fall to Jinshi.

Jinshi: You realize that's not going to happen?

Jinshi is panicking internally. Why is she saying this?! Stop it!

Maomao: I am but a lowly commoner. My life is easily taken away over the slightest error.

Just like the servant girl who was found dead in the moat.

Jinshi: I would never do that!

Maomao: It's not about would or would not. It's more can or cannot.

Jinshi gasps and Maomao knows she's hit a nerve. Because here we are again with the insurmountable class differences and Jinshi's inescapable responsibilities that stymy their relationship every time they take a step closer. Because of her class, Maomao's life is expendable. Because of his position he has to order executions even if Jinshi doesn't like it.

While the two are talking the sun is setting, signifying the end of a chapter between these two, then Maomao leaves. Jinshi looks more lost than we have ever seen him.

Devastatingly, the case of the drowned serving girl was covered up as a suicide, further proving Maomao's assertion that the girl's life is expendable, and all of her work is meaningless. We get a shot of Maomao contemplating it as she watches time pass by her window. She's experiencing a crisis of faith and will have to find a reason to believe that her efforts matter before she can reclaim what drives her.

And we close on a scene between Jinshi and Gaoshun. If Gaoshun was concerned before that Jinshi was acting childish, he need not worry any longer. He's every bit the lofty inaccessible palace master now. His walls are back up and indeed, he's quite a bit colder with Gaoshun than we've seen before.

It's painful to see, when Jinshi has made so much progress in opening himself up. But his trails have never been about his feelings or making himself vulnerable, instead he has to face the expectations that are placed on him. Maomao always seems to hit him in the most painful spots. This time she said that there may come a day when his station requires him to execute her, and there would be nothing he could do to stop it. The prince is powerless to defy his responsibilities.

So maybe what we see in this scene is despair or at least a retreat. Like Maomao, Jinshi is also questioning what does any of it matter? Why should he bother trying to connect with others if the barriers of his status make it impossible? If he can't protect the people he cares about, maybe he shouldn't care about them at all. Having to execute Maomao would destroy him. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt if he didn't care so much.

We see Maomao's and Jinshi's character arcs running parallel here. Each of them facing their own crisis and retreating. But things have changed and there is no going back. They may be able to briefly pull away from their problems but soon they will be facing these same trials again, until they can overcome them.

We do gain a lead in the case from awhile ago that involved caustic chemicals on wooden sticks. It turns out that Fengming, who works for Lady Ah Duo is the suspect.

A super heavy episode, with devastating consequences.

Every time the lovers take a step forward they are pulled away. I'm barely over 1/3 of the way through this show though, so I suppose that's to be expected at this point in the story. There are many trials left for Maomao and Jinshi and they have a long way yet to go.

I like the way the relationships and the plot are building on each other and I have to appreciate the storytellers for adding so much nuance to it. The writing is phenomenal and the animation and voice performances are so good at telling it. Nothing is wasted. Not a single superfluous shot. I'm amazed that the animators are so good at expressing subtle and complex emotions. And the voice actors have been incredible about keying in to exactly what the characters are experiencing and cueing the audience into subtext. It's so well done, I really am loving this series.

If you want to read these from the beginning:

Episode 1

Next Episode:

Episode 10

#the apothecary diaries #apothecary diaries #maomao #jinshi #jinmao

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magicalgirlsirin · 3 months

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hi rly enjoyed ur post on elysian realm! ik ur a new fan (i am too) but i heard that before retcon, elysia was a lot more morally gray. would you happen to know how exactly?? im rly curious bc i think it would be a severe improvement obviously. we deserve complex women who do wrongs

So when I say retcon in relation to the elyrealm arc it's less so "things they changed because of the story evolving and wanting to expand previously established events" and more "things they straight up forgot about in service of making Elysia a herrscher". It's not like hi3 is a stranger to retcons though?

For example, Durandal being the "original" Kiana is a retcon. The fact that our Kiana was a clone remained the same, but it's clear from older story stuff (iirc it's Everlasting Memory/Theresa's chronicle set?; second eruption manga doesn't focus on the Kiana part) that Durandal wasn't originally there. Otto refers to Kiana as K-423, and that Theresa needs to retrieve her, which implies that Theresa knows it's not Siegfried and Cecilia's kid, but her distress remains the same. The later game retcon by Thus Spoke Apocalypse is that OG!Kiana and Siegfried were going to go retrieve K-423, but OG!Kiana ended up injured and so Siegfried only left with K-423. And if you're confused then so am I because the details don't really super line up with the presentation, but it's like, fine, because at the end of the day the current writing intention and trajectory is for Durandal and Kiana to be sisters, and to both be Siegfried's daughters.

Anyways, for Elysia, a lot of her retcons occur in a very rapid pace from the first realm chapter set to Elysium Everlasting. Like I mentioned in my last post, the herrscher reveal is nonsense just going off of basic information like the fact she received MANTIS surgery like all the other Flame Chasers. However, there are other plot threads that are completely dropped for the sake of making Elysia a very special good girl who you should love because she's so nice and never did anything bad.

[About Betrayal 1 - Chapter 2]

[About Betrayal 2 - Chapter 2]

Elysia the traitor plot is something I was, well not hopeful for (a friend had already warned me that the game wouldn't do anything interesting with it] but I still ended up mulling it over a lot because it was such an interesting hinge piece for her initial presentation.

What stands out to me is the phrasing. Kevin says she never endangered humanity even if she was a traitor. Kevin says that Elysia made a decision. This implies agency, like Elysia was actively choosing to do something dangerous for the sake of the Flame Chasers. However, if Elysia was a herrscher from the beginning, then none of this makes sense. She doesn't choose to be a herrscher if she was one from the beginning, so why even make it seem like her betrayal was her choice at all?

[Traitor - Chapter 1]

It doesn't stop there though. Mobius' active disdain implies that whatever choice Elysia made, it was enough to make Mobius of all people consider her a lost cause. Mobius, who body mods and injects honkai energy into anyone with a pulse (hyperbole) to try and make humanity last just the slightest bit longer.

[Traitor - Chapter 1]

Mobius wants us to doubt Elysia's intentions. If you go through all their shared information, you'll find that the worst Elysia really does is just... coerce Mobi to wear pink dresses, and while that is obnoxious, it wouldn't warrant utter contempt for Elysia as a person.

There's actually a lot of stray text that implies there's something wrong about Elysia's existence, which I guess in generous terms could be interpreted as setup for the herrscher reveal? But it just feels like it's just there to add to the mystery that won't go anywhere.

[The Blind Spot - Recollection]

This right here nags at me. Deeply so. Elysia isn't so much a character as much as she is just a concept, the idea of a story that could be told. Not even in the canon-compliant weird endgame hook meta-textual breakout in Transcending Finality about the power of stories... Although, there's a way to introduce it here and tie it to Elysia to give some semblance of connectivity.

I went this long without actually giving my thoughts on how to make Elysia's writing good though. Disclaimer for clarity sake I know not everyone will agree with the changes I want to make and I'm also not claiming to be a more skilled writer than anyone in the hi3 team, they're all people with enough talent to be employed by the company.

That out of the way.

This isn't so much about making Elysia morally grey as much as it is about giving her an emotional core, because right now she's pretty hollow. Rather than a pristine girl who never did anything wrong, I'd rather cast her as a romantic, tragic heroine who would move heaven and fate just to seem noble.

Elysia was born human. Maybe she loved stories, and how they transported her to far off places, far far far away from the tiny town she was growing up in. When she was old enough, she traveled the world. Honkai descends. Because she was a globe trotter she ended up connected to many people, and was given the chance to join the MOTH organization. She gets MANTIS surgery. As the number of soon-to-be Flame Chasers grow, discussion begins about if the strength of the soldiers is enough.

'Maybe, if I had power comparable to a herrscher, we could fight with less casualties.'

She doesn't say this out loud, of course. It's a dangerous thought, a line that shouldn't be crossed. But she's curious. She breaks into Mobius' lab [Miss Pink Spy - Pristine Memory] to find the information she wants. Mobius figures out her intentions and warns Elysia off. It's not even in consideration, so keep whatever plan you have in mind off the table before you do something irreversible.

Mobius thought that Elysia gave up on the plan after the seventh erruption. The haunted look behind Kevin's eyes, the sadness creasing Elysia's face, all of it makes it seem like a simple consideration forgotten by the sands of time.

Elysia doesn't have a discipline. She told Dr. Mei it wasn't needed since her combat performance was well above standard margins anyways. (She is on par with Kevin in strength, after all.) At least, we all thought she didn't. A deal is made with Aponia.

Aponia, Aponia, apostle of fate, I offer you my 'humanity' to become a 'story'.

Elysia cannot receive any more disciplines. The target has to be "human". Elysia as a story, unchanging, pristine, capable of remaining as she is without blemish, can reach out and become a herrscher while remaining herself. She's desperate. She wants to help. She reaches into the deep, the start of the universe, and gathers the power. She names it Origin, since it's something she found at the source.

She's a herrscher.

Herrschers are an enemy of humanity.

Kevin runs her through with Shamash.

Elysia is still herself though, talking like she would as usual.

-Oh Kevin, I wanted to know if your tears would freeze, but I was hoping it wouldn't be like this. They're so warm, though. Thank you for crying for me.

-I see no herrscher here, just... the flame chaser, bearing the signet of ego.

The Elysian Realm keeps a secret. Aponia keeps it, the fact that Elysia gave up her humanity. The final banquet? A polite way to refer to Elysia's own demise.

It's sad, isn't it? That strength she wanted to give fell right through her fingers. Her own undoing, the desperate plan of a foolish girl who wanted to be a hero, but only ending up as a villain to oppose. It's so much more meaningful, then, that Elysia's gift, the power of sapience, is kept on to the next cycle of humanity. Held again, the power of ego, of humans, to someone with a kind heart to move beyond the past she's trapped in. Thank you, Raiden Mei, for carrying on the ideals of the thirteen trailblazers, the moths who chase the flame.

so anyways yeah i think elysia couldve been interesting whos to say

#dazzling nova #honkai impact 3rd #raiden mei #kevin kaslana #hi3 elysia #elysian realm #bianka ataegina #kiana kaslana

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cloveroctobers · 1 year

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RIO/OC/MICK — spring prompts 🦋

A/N: okay so I’m piggybacking off another idea that I still have in my drafts that was meant for the season of Valentine’s Day but…I lost all motivation to write during that time so here we are! Except I’m moving things further along, slightly this time in this piece and giving Mick a bit of a background so this is more mick focused.

Using this prompt list + numbers 21.) weekend trips + 29.) starting to heal & more prompts from [user: @corvase] 1. “how’s life?” “shut up we talked yesterday.” + 2. “you’re still on that?” “still on that..??? STILL ON THAT?????? I CANT STAND YOU???!!!(!;!” 3. “let me know now if this isn’t something you want to work through.”

S|N: Also featuring other characters from a few other shows that make a cameo here or are mentioned such as: BMF, The Have & The Have Nots, + The Cleaning Lady. + some slander on Beth, sorry!

Synopsis: Rio takes a weekend trip to the rural side to revisit a old friend who moved out of the country to further pursue her dream. What happens when Rio brings along open doors for the past?

︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶

Rio’s never been on this side of the town before (or rather this county) this was her showing him something new. He wasn’t much of a rural kind of person and he knew she wasn’t either but he was already aware that moving out of the country half of the year, influenced this new residence.

It was evident that she had company, with Rio finding two other parked cars beside her’s on the lengthy driveway. He hummed to himself, not thinking much of this as he made his way back to the front of the house, leaving him to think that the Tudor styled home could be featured in a “home alone” film. The man stood with his hands clasped in front him, lightly whistling as he silently surveyed the area around him.

The grass was still covered in frost but it was clear that spring would be arriving shortly, as the leaves on the hydrangeas bush caught his eye. His dark eyes drifted back to the front door which creaked open, revealing a smaller guy with caramel skin, curly hair, a tattoo on the side of his neck, and a blank stare.

He was confused as he pushed the question through his lips, “Can I help you?”

His tone was strong for someone who appeared so young. Something Rio was used to hearing himself way back when.

Rio dipped his head, getting a brief view of the brown almost golden entry way, “yeah, I’m sure you can. I’m a friend of Siobhán’s…she invited me for the weekend.”

The younger man’s eyes went into slits then, not liking the looks of Rio or his purpose of being alone with the mentioned woman, it probably had to do with the own tattoo on his neck and relaxed but sneaky demeanor, which Rio easily guessed his judgments. He could tell this kid was with the shits if needed and Rio didn’t need to take it there.

“That little red corvette yours? Or are you more of a Bentley kinda dude?” Rio tilted his head a bit, towards the back of the house where the vehicles sat, attempting to keep the convo light-hearted.

That’s when the shorter man sized Rio up menacingly, “who’s asking?”

Rio kept his hands clasped and let out a laugh, “I’m Rio man. I told you, I’m a friend of Siobhán’s.”

His lips curled at that, “Whatchu from Brazil or something?”

A smile broke out onto Rio’s lips at that, “Nah, I’m from here, Detroit. Born and raised. It’s just a name.”

That had that in common.

“Meech! Your cuz hooked us up with the good shit, so we don’t got to make this long ass trip back for leftovers.” A male voiced called out as he came up behind Meech.

This one was taller than “Meech,” possibly younger, brown skinned, sported a high-top, rocked some chains, he had more facial hair that sat above his lip and on his chin, and he was lanky compared in weight as he held onto two plastic bags.

He lifted his chin towards Rio, “Who the hell are they?”

Meech sighed as he leaned against the front door, “this dude says he’s a friend of Siobhán’s and he goes by Rio but he’s not from there…and I don’t know who the strawberry shortcake chick is beside ‘em.”

The lanky one was immediately suspicious as he shifted on his two feet, probably thinking about reaching for something. All he needed was the signal.

“I’m Mayor Elizabeth Boland,” Beth cleared her throat, holding her hand out for the two men to shake, “but you can call me Beth.”

“Look…” Meech started as he ignored her hand, “From what I gather, a dude like you who brings a snow bunny to my cousin’s door step ain’t no good news. So either you’re lying about what you’re really here for or you’re plotting and trying to get her involved in some shit—which she don’t need. So here’s my advice: don’t bother her with your bullshit or you’re gonna have to see me.”

Beth was lost for words at how quickly Meech was able to put that together. He was a complete stranger to her but once Rio heard his name, he put it together that this was Siobhán’s little cousin.

“That’s interesting because last I heard, Siobhán only sees you at family functions lately, which is strange since y’all used to be so close growing up…but now that you found new ways to make money too, you’re here at her house when she’s reaching the top of the fashion industry. That’s convenient huh?” Rio gave his perspective just as Meech read him and that angered the youngin quite quickly.

He was quick to grab at his belt making Beth inhale a sharp breath, “Ni—you don’t know me—

“Hey! What’s going on y’all?” Another voice boomed, making the lanky one nudge Meech as he sucked his teeth.

Meech let out a low laugh as he pointed at Rio in understanding. Before he turned sideways to reveal a bulky lighter skinned man, with a thick beard, oval eyes; muscular along with his arm tossed over Siobhán’s shoulders.

“Nothing,” Meech sent a gleaming smile at the pair, “Cuzzo, you got something at the door for you. He calls himself Rio and he brought a tag along that I’m sure you ain’t invite.”

The other man who held onto Siobhán glanced down at her, muttering something to her as she kept her eyes on Rio and Beth. She let out a soft sigh as she walked the rest of the length of the entry way, silently commanding that everyone watch her walk.

“How’s life?” Rio started, while Siobhán approached him.

The cocoa skinned woman with wide doll-like eyes immediately rolled them, “shut up, we talked yesterday.”

Which was true. She reached out to him on a Thursday afternoon to touch basis on when she would be expecting him the next day and she last saw him about a week ago for the first time in six months.

“Hi, Are you going to invite us in? It’s actually chilly out here so…” Beth let out a awkward laugh as Siobhán flicked her eyes back and forth between the two.

Siobhán bit her tongue as she let out a light laugh, her eyes saying just enough while meeting Rio’s eyes. His shoulders lifted innocently and before he could say anything else, Beth continued on.

“I’m guessing Rio didn’t inform you of my arrival…I can just go back to the hotel and let you two enjoy your time together.” Beth shifted the bag on her shoulder, ready to step back.

Siobhán hummed, “you’re here now so you might as well stay. It wouldn’t be very hospitable for me to kick you out right? so come in.”

Some more teeth sucking sounded but came from the man on the right. He didn’t agree with Siobhán’s method but he also didn’t know Beth Boland.

“Everyone this is Rio, a friend of mine.” Siobhán introduced him first before saying, “and his friend Beth.”

“Mayor Beth Boland.” The strawberry blonde boasted with pride.

“Yeah, we heard you the first time, Pippy longstocking.”

“Bryan!” Siobhán hissed, while Meech chuckled to himself.

That was a good one.

The lighter man scanned the room as he stepped forward to hold his hand out to shake the two stranger’s, “I’m Benny, nice to meet ya’ll. How’d you meet Siobhán?”

“Damn Benny, you staying for dinner to hear all that? Because Meech and I are about to slide.” Bryan told the older man who was keen on knowing this information.

Rio smiled, “Siobhán and I met at the park when I first brought my newborn son out in the next two counties over. It was my first day alone caring for him, while his mother had a self-care day and he wouldn’t stop crying until I rolled him out to the park. That should have been my first clue that boy loves the outdoors…anyways Siobhán was out there watching after some bad ass cousins.”

All eyes went to Meech who scoffed, “I know you’re not talking about me. Must of been Terry’s stupid ass.”

“Nah, it was you.” Bryan laughed.

It was actually all three of them but Siobhán didn’t want to burst their bubble.

“Shut up, B-Mickie.”

Beth added, “and we met through Rio…at a much later date when Rio’s son was able to run all over the place with a soccer ball. Just not through his son, however. Through much trickier terms?”

Siobhán didn’t miss the look Rio sent Beth’s way and wondered if that was a jab or not. Trouble in paradise? Who knows.

The raised brows she sent Rio was enough for him to realize that she was going to pry him later on that, for now they just had to get over this whole questionnaire.

“Trickier terms huh?” Benny crossed his arms, making Rio hum.

“Yeah man,” Rio stated, “we’re in business together.”

“You’re working with some mayor?” Bryan asked in disbelief before turning his attention back to Beth, “and what did you do before that?”

“I actually want to know that too since you’re giving me mini van mom vibes right now.” Meech asked, digging into his pocket to pull out a joint.

Rio snickered at that, making Beth carry on with a tight smile.

She redirected the conversation, “Well…How do you guys know Siobhán?”

“We’re family,” Meech stated the obvious.

Bryan huffed, “Friend of the family for practically my entire life.”

“And you?” Rio pried Benny who was staring at Siobhán who seemed much lighter than when he last saw her, not counting the week he saw her last.

“We’re also friends.” Benny stated but the smirk on his lips made Rio believe otherwise.

Beth perked up at that, figuring that tone also meant something as well, “oh, how lovely. For how long?”

“Damn she nosy,” Bryan coughed as he gave the signal to Meech, “let’s go.”

Meech removed the joint from his mouth to place behind his ear, “uh yeah not that this conversation is dry but it’s dry. Cuz, you seem comfortable with Rico suave and Mayor Beth so we’re gonna hit the road, we got some business to tend to.”

“Oh, okay. Let me walk you out.” Siobhán carefully spun in the entry way, leading the two boys away, she embraced them each at the door, lightly warning them to, “be good and to say hello to everybody else except cousin Charles.”

Meech snorted as he pulled away from embracing the girl, “you’re a trip, you know that?”

“I mean that.”

“I know you do.” Meech had his eyes burning on the back of Rio’s frame as he kept up the conversation with Beth and Benny, “if things get out of hand—

“They won’t.”

“You sure? I don’t know what they’re into but you don’t need to get wrapped up in their white collar shit. They’re gonna ruin your life when you’re already at the top and you don’t need nobody fucking with that.” Meech kept his voice low, however he wasn’t scared if anybody did hear this.

He already said his peace at the front door.

Siobhán smiled, “I appreciate you but there’s nothing to worry about. All I care about is mostly wedding attire…not the activities y’all like to get involved in.”

“So he is on that illegal shit too?” Bryan whispered-yelled at he got back in the conversation, “like what?”

“Dont worry about it,” Siobhán was firm, “I said I wanted you two to stay out of trouble.”

“Trouble can also lead to success tho, big cuz.” Meech winked while she scoffed, “let your friends know we may or may not be in touch soon.”

Siobhán gripped the twenty year old’s shoulders steering him away, “Bye Meech.”

“So you’re gonna kick your family out but not Bethany? I see how it is.” Meech joked before calling out, “Catch you later, Benny!”

Siobhán turned just in time to be engulfed by Benny himself, “I’m actually going to head out too unfortunately. I have a early morning at the shop tomorrow but I’ll be checking on you.”

“I know you will,” Siobhán gripped his forearms as he placed a kiss on her cheek before exiting.

She carefully watched as the men crossed the lawn towards the back/side of the house, climbing into their cars with a beep and wave as they pulled out of the driveway. Siobhán let out a soft sigh with a shut of the door before turning to the two guests awaiting her. Rio had a smirk on his lips that she ignored while she moved towards them.

“You two must be hungry, there’s plenty of food set up in the dining room.”

“You have a gorgeous house,” Beth trailed off as she followed after the host through a peach-painted sitting room, which contained some furniture, a piano and a huge sketch pad on a easel, “is this the room where you create your ideas?”

“Mainly yes. It’s one of the rooms that has the best lighting.” Siobhán informed as she took a seat at the table, followed by the two others.

Beth nodded, “I sense that. Do you mind giving us a tour later?”

“Theres not much to see, the house is dated and I plan on renovating it.”

“That’s a lot of work for one person.”

“I like keeping busy, I’m sure you know how that is.” Siobhán picks up a biscuit, drizzling honey onto it before taking a bite out of it with a mocking smile.

Rio cleared his throat, “regardless, I’m proud of you.”

“And I’m happy for you.” Beth told Siobhán as she reached for the tea pot.

Siobhán and Elizabeth weren’t the best of friends, in fact they didn’t have much of a relationship—which was fine by her. So Siobhán didn’t feel that statement was necessarily genuine. Mainly they were acquaintances that crossed paths because Beth, her sister, and their friend owed one of her best friends money and couldn’t cut ties with him. Elizabeth got a thrill out of this lifestyle and to learn that she was a mayor in the next two counties over was another power trip the housewife did not need.

Yet Rio still wanted her around.

Even when she put a bullet in him and she got one in return by someone Siobhán shared a personal relationship with.

However she knew when things needed to be let go of but she couldn’t say the same for her dear friend, Rio.

The doorbell chimed through the house making the thirty-two year old get to her feet. She figured it must have been one of the boys who forgot something. Which she kicked herself for as she yanked open the door to see Mick and a long haired Annie standing at her front door.

Together.

Again.

What the hell is going on?

“Hey,” Mick rasped, “…I take it you weren’t aware we were coming.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous! I’m sure Beth let Siobhán know. You know my sister, always planning.” Annie said as she quickly held out a bottle, “We brought Prosecco. Mick said it was one of your favorites.”

Siobhán took a large inhale and exhaled as a small smile appeared on her lips. She held out her hand for the bottle, “thank you. Why don’t you guys come in? we’re having a bite to eat in the dinning room through the left there, next to the staircase.”

Annie stepped in first as she spun around looking at the interior, “sick house! It’s almost like the inside of the titanic with the grand staircase! Perks of being a well-known fashion designer, am I right?” She clicked her tongue, sending finger guns Siobhán’s way before carrying on into the easier way to get to the dining room, loudly greeting the other two in there.

Shutting the door behind them, Siobhán paused at the door, realizing that Mick lingered back, not analyzing the inside of the house much.

“I wanted to talk more at the reunion but there was a lot going on that night. I didn’t want to press you.” His hands were in his pockets but his eyes stayed trained on the woman in front of him.

Siobhán remembered all the emotions she was feeling when she saw Mick enter the hall with Annie on his arm. It wasn’t her place to question what was going on there or when Annie got out of jail but it did send her mind wondering! There was plenty of time for Siobhán and Mick to hash out their old business…once she found out that Mick’s been working for Rio for quite some time, she just didn’t fight to make it a priority.

She needed to create distance and the least Mick could do was give her that. He picked up on that and gave her what she wanted, keeping his focus on what he was being paid to do.

“And now you’re here…at my house…uninvited.” The sarcasm did not go unnoticed.

Mick shrugged his shoulders, “you’ll have to take that up with Beth.”

“I think I will but first…is she gonna pull a gun out on you if you go in there?”

Mick thought about it, “she might. I hear she keeps one in her purse now. It’s not like I’m scared though.”

“Never that…” Siobhán slowly made her way towards the stocky man, “just don’t want to deal with the cleanup.”

Mick blinked, “The place can use some updating anyways.”

Was this the way it would be between the two now? Walking on eggshells since they were unsure where the other stood? There was so much history there. It was sixteen years maybe? since they last saw each other back in 2005 when Mick decided to up and join the marines a month after they received devastating news…

“Jackass.” Siobhán scoffed, walking by him to enter the dining room where eyes set on the pair.

Siobhán set the bottle on the table before plopping down, eyes locked on Beth who gave a sheepish smile.

“Don’t blame Rio for this, it was all my idea. I wasn’t totally sure Mick would be here.” Beth placed her hand on her chest in sincerity.

“I wasn’t sure if I would be here either since there’s this thing called range on this ankle monitor but Mick found a way around that so… shout out to you, mick!” Annie beamed as she popped grapes into her mouth.

Rio had his mouth pressed in his hand, not entirely agreeing with whatever Beth’s approach was.

Siobhán laughed, “you have a lot of nerve showing up here when I didn’t personally invite you and you also felt like involving two other people. Will Ruby be showing up too?”

“She’s in Nevada, so no.” Annie chatted.

Beth sat up straight, “yet she knows everything and will always know what’s going on.”

“So tell us Beth, what is going on?” Mick asked.

Beth glanced at Rio, which annoyed Siobhán.

“Well as the new mayor…I have a proposal for you. I’ll need some new attire for press conferences and events I’ll have to attend; also for my daughter and Annie too.”

Annie raised her brows at this.

“Mick has some business with a french man that you’re friendly with that can help with the shipping process.” Beth continued.

Siobhán folded her arms as she listened to Beth poke around the point of this conversation, “not only are you imposing but you’re also asking me to make clothes for you and your family but want me to get involved with some French man? Why?”

“You spent half of the year in France so it only makes sense that we expand the business.” Beth got excited as she talked.

“Business that you have with Rio?” Siobhán confirmed, “so what does a mayor really want from the French man and my designs?”

Beth rambled, “We need more funding of course. I have to be a successful mayor so that I can continue running and making this the best damn town ever.”

Siobhán failed to cover her laugh, letting out a cackle at the pure audacity of Beth that Rio and Mick thought she snapped. Once she got herself together, she wiped at the tears at the corners of her eyes.

“So let me get this straight, Beth. You ran this idea by one of my friends…which I’m sure he told you that you needed to find someone else to do it. Then you reached out to someone who used to be his right hand man, which so happens to be Mick and also has deep history with me to what? Persuade me? Because we know the same French man who also does illegal shit? Because I’ll be weak in the knees and take Rio and Mick’s word over yours? I’ll trust them? And then to have your baby sister back in your bullshit when she’s fresh on house arrest?! Whew!! you are a whole new level of a selfish cocky bitch.” Siobhán declared all of this to the older woman with a wicked smile.

She reached for the bottle, getting to work on the top as she awaited for someone to say anything else to her.

Beth swallowed as she looked at all the faces in the room, Annie shook her head at her sibling, not knowing this was her intentions on being here.

“Go on, tell us more on how you plan to fuck up my life since yours continues to spiral and you don’t even see it.” Siobhán encouraged as she poured the Prosecco into a teacup.

Beth pulled the sleeves down to her blazer, “I…believe with your sketches sent over to the French man, he’ll send the product back to us, we’ll wear the final product, make profit with a resell and do the whole money-switch-a-roo and give the French man his percentage back.”

“And when he comes after us, that’s when Rio and I come in.” Mick summarized what Beth didn’t say.

“Yes. We send him a little money to make the product, Give it some exposure, resell it, pocket the money for ourselves and the fake money goes to whatever I need to purchase to keep Detroit functioning. Everybody wins.” Beth explained in a chipper tone.

Annie let out a low-whistle, “that’s risky.”

“Oh and there’s also one more thing.” Beth kept on going, “Dawn Roslyn Parker wants in on it. We ran into each other at a conference yesterday and she says she actually loves your designs.”

“Huh? You didn’t say a thing about her.” Rio quizzed, knowing the heated stares from Mick and Siobhán were fair.

Rio was also in attendance as Siobhán’s plus one for her high school reunion last week, so he saw Dawn just for who she is with what she pulled. It was clear she was going overboard on poking the bear and hornets nest.

Beth rushed out , “she only wants a small cut. I’ve got it handled.”

“No, the problem is you think you do.” Mick shook his head, now taking a seat beside Siobhán.

“What do I look like working with the woman who used Mick and I’s dead daughter and her dead sister, who was my friend that she murdered out of jealousy! at the reunion for a slideshow presentation as a way to credit her revamped ways? And Why would I ever work with you? The woman who wants to take advantage of anyone to get ahead? Y’all are not my type of people.”

“Well that’s funny…” Beth almost puffed up her shoulders, “you don’t seem to mind Rio or Mick or even your family members…Meech and Bryan or B-Mickie was it? I’m still trying to figure out what Benny is into, besides you.”

Her eyes flicked to Mick’s then, almost seeking a reaction.

He simply didn’t give her the satisfaction.

“Beth Boland,” Siobhán leaned forward at the table, “I’m going to tell you this only one time since you seem to misunderstand me. I will never stoop to your conniving level of mixed up version of success that you’re looking for. You’ll never be happy that way. I am in my healing era and I’m not going to allow you to disrupt that so…You’re gonna take your things and exit the premises with your bullshit, before I have to get out of character and put a split right in between those pretty eyes.”

Annie gasped, appearing shook at Siobhán’s unexpected words.

Beth held Siobhán’s stare for awhile. It’s not like she didn’t think she was capable, despite the whole whimsical aura and poised persona she had going on. After all she was connected to Rio and Mick so that had to mean something right?

“Okay,” Beth was bubbly as she pushed back from the table, “Time is ticking and the offer expires by Sunday so if you change your mind, I’m sure you know where to find me. Come on, Annie.”

Annie sighed, “I didn’t get to enjoy this meal, Beth.”

“I’ve had better.”

“Not with your weekly unseasoned prep meals. Be forreal, girl.” Siobhán fanned her hand at Beth who just rolled her eyes with a snicker.

“Annie!” Beth called over her shoulder again, not wanting to do the walk of shame solo.

Annie grumbled to herself, scrapping the chair back as she met Siobhán’s stare, “sorry about Beth she’s—Beth. Do you mind if I take something to go?”

Rio rubbed at his face in aggravation, “just go tinker bell.”

Annie shoved some items into her coat sleeve and into her jean pockets muttering to herself, “tinker bell is a new one, is it because I decided to grow my hair out? Don’t know if i like that one, Ree-Oh!”

Once the front door slammed shut, the three sat in the warm dining room in deafening silence.

“You knew she was gonna bring that shit here when Siobhán has a lot to lose. What sense did that make?” Mick started the conversation, which surprised Siobhán—she couldn’t lie, since Mick was usually the sit back and watch type before or if he said anything.

“I think Elizabeth is at a level that can bring in better business for me. Us. If I would have known that you knew this Frenchman too, Mick, I wouldn’t have went along with this.” Rio admitted.

Siobhán snorted, “so you didn’t turn down this stupid idea for the sake of your so called best friend? Yikes, Rio.”

“I had your interest at heart too. Success looks different for everybody and when we all pulled it off, you’d be better than you are now.” Rio gave his perspective.

Siobhán rubbed at the tension in between her brows, “By having a target on my back? Something about her doesn’t have you thinking straight. The Rio I know wouldn’t want my hard work to be jeopardized…unless you’re desperate because if that’s it, you would have talked to me first, privately or you’re really being controlled by Beth.”

“I don’t get controlled by anything. I run this. I’m watching her do her thing from the side lines. She came up with the idea, I just wanted to see how well she executed it.”

“With no regard for my well-being?”

“Of course. I wanted to see how far you’re willing to go to keep things clean too.” He pressed his hands together.

Siobhán fired back, “is everything a test to you? Is it all tactical for you?”

“Nah, that’s just life. Look ma, I don’t mean to disrespect you—

“Too late for that,” Mick commented, resting his elbows on the table as he stared at Rio.

Who sent him a mean side-eye.

“You just have to be ready for these situations. Like how you met with…what was her name, you know her since you met up with her first husband right mick?” Rio tried to rope Mick in who puffed out a laugh in irritation.

What was he talking about?

Mick rubbed at his thick beard and sighed as he glanced at Siobhán who was frowning, “I met with Arman Morales who was with or still currently with—I don’t know their situation— a client that you worked with. Nadia. Nadia Morales. You created a piece for her and in return she gave you a significant sum of money and some jewelry right?”

“Where do you think that dirty money and emerald came from? She runs a casino doesn’t she?” Rio quizzed, “you may run a clean business but not a lot of people do. She’s one of us.”

Siobhán shouldn’t ask how they knew this because of course they had ways. Rio was supposed to be her friend and Mick was her past yet they were keeping tabs on her every move. Some might find themselves secure with that but Siobhan’s always been her own woman.

“So you can snoop around in my business but you couldn’t speak to me six months ago?” She grilled the man to the left her, first.

Mick licked his bottom lip, “you’re still on that?” He replied.

Wrong choice of words.

“Still on that?” She repeated louder this time with a scrape back of the chair as she placed the bottle she was cradling back on the table, “Still on that?! I can’t stand you!”

And walked off from the dining room.

“See what you started? You and Beth just dump everything on everybody else and expect people to go along with it when you know that’s not Siobhán.”

“Careful, now. You’re starting to sound like Nick.” Rio taunted as he nudged his chin outwards, “Siobhán’s a grown woman, she can handle her shit. Now ya’ll need to go get closure so we can collectively decide what happens next.”

Mick exhaled ignoring the insult the man threw his way, “You don’t get to decide that.”

“You’re right I don’t but the both of you will feel better once you do. And believe it or not Mick, I care. Even about you too.” Rio pulled out his phone, but held Mick’s stare who scoffed, pushing back from the table in search of the long haired woman.

He didn’t have to look far as he went to the right from the dining room, into the kitchen. Mick peered around the corner seeing her at the kitchen sink, scrubbing away at a pan that sat inside of it. Stress cleaning must still be her thing and he found himself taking a inhale as he went back to the glass door to the dining room and gently pulled it closed.

Silently he moved into the kitchen, actually taking the time to look around it. There was a small hallway from which he came, the first door was also left open revealing the path back to the entryway of the home, the door to the right held a tan almost orange small room with a flatscreen, a sofa, decent lighting, and some plastic containers shoved against the wall underneath the window. It was a spacious home but still felt empty to Mick, which made Mick question how happy was she? Yes Siobhán purchased this home a couple of months before she decided to come back to the states, however it didn’t feel homey just yet.

Maybe it was Mick’s ego but he felt like he had a part to play in that.

He decided to take a seat at the corner island that was built into the wall of the kitchen. He wasn’t sure if he really liked this set up but it wasn’t his place to comment on what he liked or disliked about this home. The dragging of the chair, caused her to stop scrubbing away at the pan in the sink, glancing over her shoulder with the loose strands of hair that framed her face floated with her movements.

“What did you come here for?”

Mick folded his hands against the counter, briefly thinking about how he should answer this. He knew she wouldn’t appreciate any coyness from him.

“You say you’re ready to talk but it ain’t feel that way back then. I gave you the space you wanted.”

She let the pan slip back into the deep sink and whipped around, her hands gripping the sink behind her as she laughed, “what I wanted? I didn’t think you care what I wanted. You didn’t back when I was seventeen, you eighteen and running off to be a marine. I had to hear that shit from your mother and sister instead of you. You didn’t even bother to leave a note or write a letter or pick up the phone and just try to talk to me. You up and decided what you wanted, leaving me alone to bury our daughter.”

Mick molded his lips into his mouth, carefully listening. This wasn’t news to him, he’s known what he’s done. He’s lived with it and he also knew how to numb it down. It was the best thing for him to do before he ended up doing something really stupid. He wished eighteen year old him knew how to communicate better but all he was surrounded with growing up was screaming matches and that’s not what he wanted to do with Siobhán…ever again.

“You weren’t ever alone, you had my mother and my sister. You had your dad and your cousin-aunt Lucille to rally around you—

“I didn’t want them I wanted you! Don’t you get that?! I wanted the guy I created life with to just hold me down like I would have done him. I know losing our girl was fucking painful and it’ll always be…but I never thought you would have hit me with nothing but white noise. Our relationship was never like that.” She sniffed.

Seventeen year old Siobhán and eighteen year old Mick happened to be very vocal towards one or another. They shared a class with each other, goofing off and everyone knew they liked each other but they always had to one up the other. Mick was the first to ask her out but she declined all because she wanted to be the one to ask him first.

“I hear you,” Mick said, “I’m sorry I put you through that, truly.”

“Then why did it take sixteen years?” She was accusatory, “did you know Rio and I were friends before you decided to work with him?”

Mick felt his eye twitch at that. He understood where Siobhán was coming from but his actions had nothing to do with her.

“…let me know now if this isn’t something you want to work through.”

“What, Michael?” She used his government and that was something she rarely did.

Mick toyed with his beard as he spoke what he was feeling, “I can’t ever make up for that time…especially if you’re always going to feel a way about it. I was acting off hurt emotions and I know you’re still hurt too but I can’t be face to face with you if it’s going to be the same story on loop. I want better for us.”

“I can’t keep up with you anymore,” Siobhán placed her hand on her chest, feeling her heart thud rapidly against its cage, “one minute you’re telling me you’re trying to give me what you think I want, then you’re telling me you’re sorry, and now you’re telling me that you’re assuming that I’ll be unable to forgive you, just like that.”

“It’s okay if you don’t, I can learn to respect that but what I won’t do, is take you blaming me for our daughter’s death. I won’t be that punching bag, I gotta heal too.”

Siobhán felt her lips tremble, “I-I don’t blame you. Did you overthink that while you were away from me?”

“…it’s crossed my mind.”

“Well you’re a dumbass!”

Mick chewed on his lips, a bit vulnerable now.

“This is why I wished you just talked to me even if you couldn’t face me. A phone call, a letter. I would have told you that I never blamed you for what happened to her.” Siobhán expressed.

Mick rubbed at his face, feeling the weight of it all circling back around when he’s shoved it away for so long. “Kadene Solina Peraza…she would be fifteen this year. That’s crazy.”

“It is isn’t it?”

“I talk about her often with my therapist,” Mick pinched at the bridge of his nose to get his emotions together, “what she would be into, who she would look more like as she aged, since we all know she looked exactly like her fine daddy.”

Siobhán rolled her eyes, “you know what that means right? You’re the person that got on my nerves the most during the pregnancy.”

“Nah don’t try to downplay my genes.”

“Don’t want to hear anything else surrounding that,” Siobhán rolled her fingers around in Mick’s direction, making him snort out a laugh.

A actual comfortable silence filled the white once stuffy kitchen.

“You should come to one of my sessions with me…to fully close this chapter with some guidance…if that’s what you want?” Mick suggested.

Kadene wasn’t the only one he talked about and he was sure his therapist wouldn’t oppose to this as she already knew the tale of Mick and Bhán.

Siobhán scooped her strands of hair behind her ears as she exhaled, “I’d like that. Just let me know when.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.”

“So…can we hug it out or is that pushing it?”

Siobhán let a small smile crack onto her lips as she held out her hands, taking steps to meet Mick at the bar stool he sat on. He got to his feet, arms reaching up to lock around her shoulders as her hands crept to latch onto his back. Being in his arms again felt like how it always did, safe and warm.

And if he held on any longer she might have cried.

“I’ve missed you for a long time, Bhán.” He whispered as the side of his head rested against hers.

She did too, Mick meant a lot to her. He’s been in her life since she was fourteen and him fifteen back when he had wavy thick hair, one chest tattoo, and loved listening to big pun, Jay-Z and had the biggest crush on Ashanti…you just don’t get over someone like him.

Siobhán thought about mentioning Annie, not to stir things up but to get that curiosity to shut up. Yet she just wanted to enjoy this moment for what it was, before she had to get in Rio’s ass about this plan to cater to the new mayor.

“What a cute Kodak moment, so everything good in here?” Rio’s smooth voice interrupted, causing Siobhán to pull away and look over at the thin but tall man who leaned in the doorway.

Mick didn’t rush to let go of Siobhán, which Rio noticed as his eyes flicked to the position of Mick’s hands resting on the small of her back.

“It will be.” Was Mick’s response.

Rio pushed off the doorway, “Good, good. Love to see it. Shall we discuss business back in the dining room? Food’s getting cold and I’m getting kinda lonely back there.”

Siobhán sent a look to Mick and moved from his grasp as she roughly patted Rio on his chest, “you’ll survive. You always do. Also just to let you know, I’m starting to regret inviting your ass here.”

“I bet but let’s talk about it,” Rio was all high cheek bones and smiles as Siobhán walked by him, followed by Mick who shook his head at him, “I’m told putting your feelings all out on the table is a healthy approach.”

And so the three sat down at the dining table, facing each other, ready to say what must be said.

︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶︶ׂׂૢ ︶︶

Continue along with my spring anthology prompts here.

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naughtyneganjdm · 1 year

Text

Mine - Chapter 10

Summary: It's the morning after Y/N slept with Negan and while she wakes up feeling a sense of happiness, Negan insists that they need to tell Joel what happened.

Characters: Joel Miller, Negan, the reader (OC, third person), Tommy Miller, Ellie, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45115177/chapters/116204950

Warnings: Swearing, super angst, smut, etc.

Notes: I really appreciate those of you that have interacted with this story and continue to tell me how you feel. It means a lot to me! Gif Credits: @cowboydin & @jeffreyss

With a yawn, Y/N felt her body being wrapped up in the warmth of the arms around her. It made her smile when she realized where she was. It was a different surrounding, but being in Negan’s bedroom left an unbelievably warm, content felling inside of her heart. Last night, they had made their way up to Negan’s bedroom together so they wouldn’t fall asleep with the potential of having Morgan come downstairs to see them together. During the night, they quietly had fallen back into one another and Y/N couldn’t believe how incredibly loving and romantic that Negan actually was with her. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before with someone.

Even the way that they were laying together was so vastly different than what she was used to with Joel. They were laying at the center of the bed together with Negan’s arms wrapped around her while she laid her head on his chest. This was the kind of thing that she had wanted from Joel the whole time. A sense of belonging and feeling wanted. Depositing a kiss over the center of Negan’s chest, she heard his deep breaths still filling the air showing that he was asleep. There was something so peaceful about Negan while he slept. Everything that happened between the two of them made her wonder. Was Negan always like this with the women he cared about or did he learn to cherish the people he cared for after he lost them? Regardless, there was no question that Negan loved and cared for her by the way he acted with her.

Continuing her kisses, she couldn’t help but caress further down his abdomen swirling her fingers through the thick curls of hair that covered his long, slender torso. There was a change in his breathing alerting her to the fact that he may be starting to wake up. Trailing her fingers down further, she heard him moan when she palmed in over his manhood making his hips arch up toward her touch involuntarily.

“Do you ever sleep?” Negan teased her with a small laugh and a grumble, reaching down to wrap his fingers around her wrist to pull it away from his body. A dramatic frown pressed in over her beautiful features and it made Negan snort. Hooking his fingers with hers, he brought her hand up so he could deposit a faint kiss over the back of her hand. There was a tired smile that tugged at his lips when she cuddled in closer to him. The warmth that radiated from his body felt nice. Even though Joel had been trying to be better with being closer to her during the night, it was nothing like this. Being held by Negan made her feel better than she ever imagined it would. “I know I have a magical dick, but even he needs some down time.”

“He seems fine to me,” she gazed down, using her free hand to lift the comforters to look. “In fact, he looks quite ready for some attention.”

“While that may be true,” he chuckled, caressing his fingers over her shoulders while she laid in over him, “We actually need to talk about things first.”

“Negan,” she frowned, her eyelashes fluttering at him. “Do we really have to get serious right now? We just woke up happy and comfortable with one another.”

“What happened between us is big Y/N,” Negan groaned out when her lips centered in over his nipple again, giving it a tiny nip before her tongue circled his flesh. It made his eyes come to a tight close, his head tipping back with his jaw flexing. “It’s a brand-new day and we really need to talk about our actions here because…”

“Just…turn off that brain for a few minutes. Please,” she begged, pulling back enough and placing her finger over his lips to silence him. “This is the first time in a very long time where I woke up feeling…loved.”

“You are loved,” Negan replied with a long exhale, his fingers sweeping over the back of her neck while she gazed up at him with her big eyes. “Trust me, this is the most incredible way I’ve woken up in a very long time too. Going to bed with you in my arms last night was rough. Not because I didn’t like it because I did. I have everything I want in my arms. This morning…facing fucking reality, that’s what I wasn’t looking forward to.”

Hearing Negan refer to her as everything he wanted took her breath away and she could see the genuine sadness in Negan’s eyes, “What we did is something we need to talk about Y/N.”

“I know people would view this as wrong,” she traced her fingers over his chest hating that they couldn’t just pretend for a while that everything would be okay, “but I don’t know. It’s confusing because I like the way this made me feel.”

“I did too,” Negan agreed with her, sighing loudly. “It’s just a complicated situation.”

Deafening silence followed. Y/N swallowed down hard, her head lowering to rest it back over the center of Negan’s chest to listen to his strong heartbeat, “You know, I have to take a shower. Get my mind clear of things. You can stay here if you want, get comfortable. After my shower, we can talk and figure things out. That sound okay? We need to talk before Morgan wakes up. We have a while before she does, but I feel like this needs to be a very serious conversation.”

“I wish things were easier,” she declared with an anxious exhale before having Negan press a kiss over her forehead. An empty feeling flooded her veins when Negan slid out from underneath her on the bed. Watching his movements as he pulled himself to the edge of the bed, she found herself focusing on the muscles that flexed in Negan’s body when he stretched himself out. Joel definitely had a bit more structure when it came to muscles, but Negan was still rather impressive too. When he stood, she enjoyed the lengths of his slender body. From his long back to his small bottom and his ridiculously long legs, there was a lot she visually and overall enjoyed about Negan. “You know, for someone who thinks he’s a donkey, you sure are mesmerizing. Your body is perfect.”

“Mhmm,” Negan shot her a glance back over his shoulder and she could tell that he was smirking.

“I’m just saying, maybe there is a little unicorn in you after all,” she gave Negan a wink making him shake his head with a smile before heading to the bathroom. Laying at the center of Negan’s bed, she heard the sound of the shower starting and she exhaled loudly. She knew that Negan told her to stay in bed, but she couldn’t help herself. Forcing herself up, she headed toward the bathroom and could see Negan’s body hidden behind the frosted shower door. Carefully pulling the door open, she was quiet enough while she got into the shower with Negan. When the warmth of her body radiated against his back, it made him jump, but when her arms wrapped around him from behind, she felt him accepting her hold. “I just kept thinking about you in the shower and I couldn’t refrain from coming in here. I’m sorry.”

“You’re naughty,” Negan growled leaning back against her while her hands palmed in over the center of his chest, taking her time to trace over the lengths of his slender body. When her fingers wrapped around his semi-erect cock again Negan couldn’t help but moan while she took her time jerking him off underneath the showerhead. “I thought we agreed to not doing this again.”

“You were the one that suggested it, not me,” she tipped up on her toes to kiss at the side of Negan’s neck making him chuckle when he tipped his head to the side allowing her to cover the area with hot kisses. Just the sounds Negan made when she touched him alone drove her wild with desire. “Shower sex with you sounds marvelous to me. Then again, sex with you in general just sounds phenomenal. You have no idea how addictive it is being with you. Hearing the sounds you make. You’re such a verbal lover.”

“You are a sex craved little monster,” Negan growled, turning on his heel reaching out to curl his arm around her waist to pull her in flush against him. With a shake of his head, Negan was visibly amused with her when he lowered down to claim her lips in a hungry, passionate kiss that took her breath away while her fingers curled around the back of his neck. Brushing her tongue out over his, she purred when he sucked faintly at her tongue before pulling back with a wickedly charming smile. “One more time…that’s it.”

“That’s fine with me,” she hummed against his lips, her words vibrating against his flesh making him moan in response. With a gasp, she felt Negan turning her to face the wall of the shower. Bracing her hands against it, she let out an eager sound when Negan pressed in behind her. His lips kissed heatedly over the side of her neck while his large hands caressed up and over the length of her torso. Cupping her breasts in his grasp, Negan palmed over them making her purr out. “You have no idea how good you make me feel.”

“I have a bit of an idea,” Negan growled, nipping at her earlobe as he slid his palms down in over the sides of her body toward her hips. Caressing over them, Negan heard her purr out and it made him smile again. “It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone, I’m glad that I haven’t let you down or turned you off.”

Kissing down over her shoulder, Negan pulled her hips out closer to him and moved in behind her. Trailing his fingers from between her shoulder blades down over the center of her back and to her bottom, Negan gave it a firm squeeze before grabbing a hold of his rigid length. Biting down onto his bottom lip, he teased the tip of his cock through her sensitive folds hearing the shuddering breath that followed from her.

Gasping out, she felt Negan lead the tip of his erection to her entrance and thrust his hips upwards sinking his thick length into her allowing her to take time to get used to him all over again. It surprised her how good it actually felt with him inside of her. With the way that he kissed down over the side of her neck and faintly nipped at her flesh, she felt like she was on fire underneath the stream of water. Her heart was racing, her hands eager to hold onto whatever she could when Negan started to carefully thrust behind her. Wet smacking sounds filled the air from his wet skin colliding with hers with every forward thrust he made inside of her. Immediately it drew cries to fall from her lips, but Negan hushed her knowing that they were still on the same floor where his daughter was sleeping a few rooms down.

“Trust me, I want to be louder too,” Negan grumbled underneath his breath, his nose nuzzling in against the side of her neck. Within time, she started to bounce her hips back toward him enjoying the sensations it developed inside of her. Negan’s quiet and muted moans caused her eyes to slam shut and she enjoyed the way that his hands were grasping firmly to her hips helping her to move over his length in a tempo that they both seemed to enjoy. “It feels so fucking good inside of you.”

“Negan,” she whined out his name, reaching back with one hand while the other still braced her weight against the wall. Squeezing her fingers around his thigh, she dug into his flesh. She was probably enjoying this position more than she should have been. Each thrust had Negan hitting the right areas stimulating her g-spot in addictive strokes. For someone who hadn’t been with anyone in so many years, she was surprised that Negan knew what to do and how to do it. She would have pictured him to be eager for any release he could get, but Negan was focused on her. If there was something he was good at, that was reading her emotions and feelings easily. When something felt good, there he was to follow up with incredible amounts of pleasure, keeping up with it until it made her push up onto the tips of her toes. A cry fell from her lips and Negan loosely hooked his fingers around her mouth to keep her silent. Every part of her shook. A hot liquid rush pulsed through her veins making her eyes slam shut. Panting, she pressed her head against the wall of the shower and heard the amused rumble of a silenced laugh behind her. As soon as she came down from her high, Negan pulled his fingers from her mouth stepping back making her whine. The loss of him inside of her made her feel empty and ache. Having him inside of her was a feeling her body craved. With a gasp, she felt Negan hooking his arm around her to help her turn to face him. Curling his arm underneath her thigh, Negan urged her leg up around his waist before pressing his forehead to hers. “You have no idea how gifted you are, do you?”

“I have an idea,” Negan flashed an arrogant smile, his eyebrow arching in a sense of mischief when he reached between them again to lead his cock back between her thighs, to her entrance and he eased into her. It made her nails dig faintly into his chest making Negan bite down on his bottom lip. Tipping her head back, she found herself smiling when Negan’s lips hovered over hers. “It’s kind of like a bike.”

“So you’re saying you were always good at sex?” she breathed out feeling his lips skimming in over hers. Each kiss of his lips over hers drew a chill down her spine. This was him pampering her and she liked it. Every kiss grew stronger before his tongue flicked out over hers. A whimper fell from her when Negan hooked his other arm under her thigh to pick her up fully. It braced her against the wall of the shower and she hook her arms firmly around his shoulders to keep him close to her. Having Negan’s hazel eyes hooked on hers enhanced every sensation all the more. Every movement he made inside of her was so meticulous, drawing out all the sensation that came with the repetitive strokes of his cock inside of her. Rushing was not something Negan was used to doing. It was clear that he wanted to make everything a spectacle. A moment to remember. It wasn’t just sex for him. Whereas in the past, she knew that there were times when she was with Joel where he just had sex to really have sex. Not that Joel was bad at sex, but things were so much more emotional with Negan. But then again, he said all the things that she wanted to hear. Sinking her fingers into Negan’s wet hair, she moaned out against his lips and hummed. “Tell me that you love me.”

“I love you,” Negan obeyed, groaning out with her nipping at his bottom lip. His thrusts grew stronger in strength. His breaths becoming uneven. It made him all the sexier to her that he said those words with ease. And it was even better that she believed them. “So fucking much.”

“Again,” she winced feeling another fire growing at the pit of her stomach with Negan pounding away inside of her at this point attempting to get a release himself while bringing her right to the edge of one.

“I fucking love you,” Negan slurred, his eyebrows furrowing when he pulled back to stare into her eyes. His jaw was flexed and his lips parted. Right when she felt her body tensing up followed by shaking, Negan picked up the rolling of his hips against hers desperate for that release. Dropping his head forward, he pressed his forehead to hers and winced when she felt the warmth of his release starting to fill her. It felt good having him ride out his orgasm to the very end before allowing her back to her feet.

Instead of pushing things, Negan held her in his arms underneath the spray of water. It was starting to get cold and she understood why. As Negan nuzzled his nose in against hers, she felt herself sad because she knew that only negativity would follow this moment. Giving Negan one final kiss, they continued their shower together helping to soap up the other and help them clean themselves up. Negan was the first one out of the shower allowing her to finish up.

Once she turned the shower off and moved out of it, she felt Negan wrapping her up in a towel and holding her tightly in his arms before pressing a kiss against her cheek. There was silence for a moment before Negan exhaled loudly, “You have to tell Joel.”

“What?” she turned in his arms, her worried eyes staring up at Negan.

“You have to tell Joel. I care about him too much to lie to him. He needs to know what we did Y/N,” Negan urged her, shaking his head as he spoke. His Adam’s apple bounced in his throat, his lips parting when he thought about the events of the last day or so. “I spend a lot of time with Joel and I can’t lie to him. I know that’s a scary thought, but what we did…it’s not something that we can keep a secret from those that we care about. I’m not asking you to leave Joel, I just…he needs to fucking know what we’ve done.”

“If I tell Joel, it’s very likely that he will kill you,” Y/N thought about her boyfriend. “Joel is an amazing man and he’s incredibly understanding, but he has a switch that when it’s flicked, he turns into this person…”

“Then so be it,” Negan moved over toward the sink to lean up against it. Folding his arms in front of his naked chest, Negan took his time to think things out. “I’m not stupid Y/N. I know you aren’t about to dump Joel for me. This was just one of those things where you were feeling incredibly bad about things and you have emotions for me.”

“I love you,” she corrected Negan making his words come to a halt. There was sadness in his eyes when he looked down and shrugged his shoulders.

“And I love you,” Negan confessed with a half-smile, but there was sadness in his eyes that really drew attention to how beautiful the hazel coloring was. “But I know you love Joel too. And when you see him, you’re going to feel bad for what we did. That’s why you need to tell him what happened. I can’t lie to him. Neither should you. And it’s better with him hearing it from you. I don’t expect you to break up with him for me. You love Joel and Ellie too much…”

“I don’t know what I want,” she whispered making Negan nod his head before reaching up to brush his fingers through his wet hair.

“Right. You don’t know what you want. You want Joel and you want me,” Negan agreed with her, swallowing down hard enough for her to hear. “I just don’t think Joel is going to be comfortable with the idea of that.”

“I’m scared to tell him,” she admitted to Negan feeling her throat tensing up, but Negan reached out to hook his fingers with hers and pulled her in closer to him. “I don’t want you feeling bad that I still have feelings for Joel.”

“I knew that you did,” Negan hushed her, lifting his hand to palm in over the side of her face before depositing a kiss at the top of her head. “It’s just if you love me and you love him, the only option here is to tell him what happened. After you tell him this happened, then we can all figure out what we’re going to do.”

“I don’t want you hurt,” she brushed her fingers through Negan’s short beard making him sigh loudly. “Joel doesn’t look intimidating, but he’s strong.”

“Maybe I deserve to get hurt,” Negan swallowed down loudly, his puppy dog eyes gazing out at her making her feel bad. “I just love you so much that I couldn’t take seeing you like you were. With you begging me…”

“This is my fault Negan,” she pressed her hand in over the center of Negan’s chest making him shake his head.

“I could have said no,” Negan declared with a wrinkle of his nose.

“You tried to,” she reminded him and Negan shrugged. “I know cheating is wrong…”

“Exactly, which is why you have to tell him,” Negan repeated making her heart skip a beat. “I’m not going to lose you and you aren’t going to lose me. I’ll be here for you regardless. I promise you that. But you have to tell Joel.”

“Fuck,” she breathed out knowing that he was right. Giving Negan one final kiss, she didn’t rush in getting dressed again. By the time that they made it to the front door, Morgan hadn’t woken up yet and she could feel the room spinning. “I really do love you Negan.”

“I know,” Negan stroked his fingers in over the side of her face, curling his index finger in underneath her jaw. Tipping her head up enough, she met his lips in a lingering kiss that took her breath away all over again before finally stepping back and out of the house. “I promise you I will be here for whatever you need.”

“I guess I need to get home before Joel does,” she acknowledged finding it hard to let go of Negan’s hands, but she eventually forced herself to. It felt so good waking up that way and even the way Negan looked at her as she left was unlike anything she had ever felt before. By the time that she made it back to the house, Y/N saw that Negan had moved back into his home.

“Hey!” a voice called out to her making her turn on her heel after she was about to head into Joel’s home. Seeing that it was Tommy across the street made her heart skip a beat. Hopefully he hadn’t seen her interaction with Negan. That would be a hard thing to explain to Joel’s younger brother. “How did it go?”

“Tommy?” she finally muttered his name. Then it occurred to her. Tommy was supposed to be on his trip with Joel. They weren’t expected to be back until later today. At least that’s what Joel told her yesterday. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here,” Tommy joked with her, reaching out to nudge Y/N playfully. Joking did nothing for her because all she could think about was him and Joel going out for a run together. “So what was the outcome of last night?”

“What do you mean last night?” she arched an eyebrow feeling her throat go dry.

“The question. The question that Joel was going to ask you,” Tommy waved his hand about in the air making her let out a panicked breath.

“You weren’t here last night. Joel left in the morning and said he wasn’t coming back until today,” she recalled seeing the expression over Tommy’s face change. Now that Tommy was standing before her, she was starting to feel like she was living a bad dream.

“That was the cover story so he could gather what he wanted to pop the big question,” Tommy blurt out, his features turning very pale when he saw the rush of panic flood throughout her. The big question. That sounded a whole lot like Joel wanted to ask her to marry him. And with the way that Tommy looked mortified she knew that’s exactly what he meant. “Which you didn’t know about. Fuck, I am so sorry. I thought…I just…”

“I have to go,” Y/N rushed away from Tommy hearing him apologizing from behind her as she made her way up to Joel’s home. Pushing open the door, she felt her chest ache immediately upon seeing the flower petals that were still on the floor. Following the trail of them, she felt her body go numb seeing Joel and Ellie sitting up on the couch in a way in which they both fell asleep. Ellie’s head was on Joel’s shoulder and Joel’s head was resting on top of hers while they were both sleeping. It was clear that Joel had been waiting for her when she felt the world spinning around her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that there were decorations in relation to her birthday in the kitchen making her feel like her world was crumbling down around her. There was the finished guitar that Joel had been working on for her standing by itself at the corner of the room and anxiety flooded through her.

So everything that happened last night was a poor attempt at surprising Y/N. A lie, an act. Something that Joel came up with in order to get her out of the house. Joel hadn’t forgotten everything, he was just trying to create a moment. With what Tommy was saying, it was a moment where he was going to ask her to marry him. Which would explain the way he was acting weird because he was nervous. The excuse of him leaving was to plan all of this and she actually believed him which led her to Negan’s arms. Stumbling back, she felt her back hit the wall and she managed to knock over something in the process which made both Ellie and Joel jump from being woken up.

“Joel,” Ellie stammered, hitting Joel at the center of the chest while his eyelids were still heavy with fatigue. God knows how long they sat there waiting for her. “Joel, wake up! She’s here.”

“What?” Joel grumbled when Ellie smacked at his chest one more time making Joel turn his head to see that Y/N was standing there. It made him let out a nervous sound when he swiftly stood to his feet and brushed his fingers through his messy hair. “Hey. I know you probably have some questions. Some very valid and understandable questions…”

Feeling her face getting hot, Y/N had a hard time even looking at Joel right now with his chocolate brown eyes staring out at her with a sense of sadness, “I was nervous yesterday and I was trying to surprise you. I didn’t think that I would actually hurt you by doing what I did. I should have thought it out. I thought you would come in and…”

Joel pointed over toward the guitar that he had sitting on the couch. Heading over to it, he grabbed a hold of it and waved her forward, “I know it’s Sunday, but we can pretend that today is what yesterday was supposed to be. Tommy will understand. He can do things without me…”

“Ellie, could you give us some space?” Y/N asked of Ellie seeing her big eyes glancing between both her and Joel. With a nod, Ellie headed for the door and the sound of the back door opening and closing was heard when Joel moved forward.

“Come here,” Joel reached out with his free hand to grab a hold of hers to pull her toward the couch to sit down. Joel took a seat beside her and he cleared his throat uneasily. “I know that you’re probably feeling certain things right now and I don’t blame you, but I have this song I want to sing for you. Your guitar is over there and if you want after everything, I can try to teach you some things. I have a few gifts for you…”

“We need to talk,” Y/N watched Joel put the guitar into his lap to get it into position and she felt her chest aching seeing him so eager to keep things like they should have been the night before. Many times in the past she asked Joel to sing for her. It just never happened. Sure, she got him strumming at the guitar and humming to himself, but the fact he was willing to sing for her right now only made her feel worse about things. If that was even possible right now. “Joel…”

“Just…please let me play this song for you. I reckon you’ll really like it. It was supposed to be your birthday gift,” Joel informed her with a bob of his head, a weak smirk tugging at his lips. “I’ve been practicing.”

“I’m sure I will love it, but…” Y/N found herself pausing when Joel started strumming some chords on his guitar making a breath catch in her throat when the melody became familiar to her. Sliding back against the couch, she felt a chill fill her entire body. It immediately made her eyes burn over when Joel’s brown eyes lifted to hers.

“When the rain is blowing in your face,” Joel seemed to shakily sing through the words making her bite down on her bottom lip. This was the first time Joel had ever actually sang to her at all. It was clear that he was uncomfortable singing but was doing his best to pull himself together for her. Which made this whole thing hurt more. “And the whole world is on your case. I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.”

A shuddering breath fell from her throat hearing the very word that she wanted to hear from Joel for so long. It had to happen like this. It was the world’s cruelest, worst prank after doing what she had with Negan. It broke her heart hearing him continuing to play along to the song. There was a burning at her eyes and she knew she was crying. Both from hearing him sing for the first time, but also the situation. She should have stopped him and she knew that, but she couldn’t find it in herself to do it.

“When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one to dry your tears I could hold you for a million years…” Joel’s voice became more confident, his expression worried about her when she lifted her head to finally stare out at him. “To make you feel my love.”

Her lips parted and she wanted to say something, but she felt weak and dizzy thinking about the last twenty-four hours knowing that she let her emotions control her actions and it was a horrible thing for her to do considering this was such a big deal.

“I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,” Joel’s face twisted with confusion when she cried harder and lowered her head into her hands as he continued to sing. “But I’ll never do you wrong. I’ve known if from the moment that we met, no doubt where you belong. I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do…”

“Stop,” she tremored trying to push away at her tears knowing that she couldn’t take any more of the song. It was tearing away at her and she was going to break down if he kept going any further. “Ellie, please go to your apartment.”

“She…she did,” Joel responded lowering the guitar onto the couch beside him.

“Ellie!” Y/N called out making a groan fill the air when Ellie stood up from where she was hidden behind the wall clearly trying to listen in on the two of them.

“I’m leaving because I respect you. Not because I was caught,” Ellie asserted for real this time moving out of the house with a louder close of the door. Joel clearly thought that she was gone as Y/N trembled and tried to gather herself.

“Hey,” Joel whispered, moving across the room to grab a soft hold of her hands, stroking his thumbs over the back of them. “I know there are better ways to say this. I should have planned this whole thing out better and I can only imagine how bad you felt over the last day, but I promise you I had nothing but the best intentions. I thought coming back here to see that I was still here would make you more surprised. It was really poor timing and I need to learn to plan surprises better, but…Y/N…”

Feeling the lump in her throat growing larger, Y/N felt Joel cup her face in his rough palms and he moved in closer to her, “I love you.”

With a hurt sound, the warmth of Joel’s breath lingered over hers when he attempted to kiss her and she turned her head in time for him to kiss her cheek instead which made an anxious exhale fall from Joel’s throat, “Y/N? What’s wrong?”

“You don’t mean that,” she slurred making Joel’s eyebrows furrow, a sharp breath falling from his throat. “You’re saying it because I want it so bad. I’m forcing you to be someone that you’re not. I’ve been so insistent upon hearing it that you’re just telling me it to keep me happy.”

“I’m not,” Joel shook his head, his messy hair falling in front of his eyes. Bringing her hand up, he deposited a kiss in over her left hand and drew circles in over her flesh. “In fact…”

Joel reached into his pocket seeing the way her eyes hooked on the small box. With the help of Tommy, she knew exactly what was happening and she shook her head. Reaching out, she pushed the box down knowing that if she saw the ring she was done for.

“Please, don’t…” she begged and the look over Joel’s face was incredibly confused along with broken. Hurt flooded his features when she denied him the chance to even have her see the ring. “Joel don’t do this. You just now told me you loved me for the first time.”

“I know I’ve loved you for a while, I just wanted to wait until a special moment to tell you,” Joel explained, looking down toward the box that was in his hand that he had been keeping on him for a while now. “I’ve loved you for a long time and I think this is long overdue.”

“You don’t understand,” she kept her hand in over his keeping him from trying to ask her to marry him.

“Listen, just let me show you…” Joel placed his other hand in over hers, a smile tugging at his handsome features. “I swear it’s going to be okay. You just have to…”

“I slept with Negan,” she blurted out, making Joel release her hand and his arms dropped at his side. His eyebrows clenched, his jaw flexing when she cried harder. “I’m sorry. You were acting like the old you again. I thought you were regressing. Then you forgot the whole birthday thing all over and I was just hurting so bad…”

“No, you wouldn’t do that because we agreed that if we were going to involve him in our relationship that we were going to talk to each other first,” Joel’s voice grew angry, his brown eyes locked on her and she felt like the worst person in the world right now. Whimpering out, Y/N lowered her head and knew that this time she was the one that fucked up incredibly bad. “Why?”

“You know why. When you feel horrible, Negan is so damn addictive that he makes you feel better. I was broken yesterday, Joel. No one here cares about me. I was depressed. I was thinking about the way that you acted when I visited the powerplant. You were with the group of those people and Negan. Negan made you laugh harder than I’ve ever seen. You never smile with me in public like that. I was so damn jealous seeing the two of you like that. Then when you see me there, you start acting cold. You go to bed without finding me. And you forgot about things…” she began knowing that she wasn’t likely making much sense, but she couldn’t describe the way that she was feeling. “It was my fault. Negan told me he would give me a birthday and I went to his house…it just happened. I made him do it.”

“It takes two people to fuck Y/N,” Joel snarled, dropping the box at his side. Standing up from the ground from where he was knelt, Joel was pacing and deep within himself. Pausing, he brushed his fingers through his hair shakily before shooting her a glance. In that moment, she saw the darkest parts of Joel and his breathing was loud. “Stay here…”

“Joel,” she called out watching Joel storm through the living room. Swiftly following him, she heard the front door open and felt her adrenaline spiking. Chasing after him, she could see that Joel was making his way to Negan’s house and in the distance, she could see that Negan was out in the front playing soccer with Morgan. “Joel, please. Don’t!”

“Don’t touch me,” Joel snapped, pulling his wrist away from her when she tried to pull him back.

“You need to hold on,” she begged of Joel trying to wrap her arms around him to get him to move back toward her. Whatever was going through Joel’s mind was not worth the risk of whatever would follow. It was a nice day which meant that a lot of people were out and about around town with the morning. “Joel! Not now. It’s not the time. Please, just would you listen to me?”

Yanking his arm away from her, Joel headed over toward Negan with his rage filling his body. When Morgan saw Joel, she stopped and with a big smile waved at Joel. With what he knew, Joel was seeing red. Morgan made no impact on him when the information Y/N provided him with was fresh in his mind. The wave made Negan look back and when he saw Joel storming out at him, Negan raised his hands up in the air to try to keep Joel from getting any closer, “Fuck. Just hold on one second, okay? Just let me get Morgan inside and…”

Not taking it into consideration, Joel immediately brought his fist into the side of Negan’s face. The hit echoed throughout the air making Negan stumble backwards, but not fall. Joel was furious, his breathing loud and his fist felt like it was on fire after how hard he hit Negan. Curling his fingers into a fist at his side again, Joel waited until he saw Negan lift his head up. Negan’s bottom lip was split with drips of blood sliding down his skin.

“I’m sorry,” Negan held his hand up in the air, his hazel eyes gazing between both Y/N and Joel. Morgan was the number one thing on his mind and Negan completely understood Joel having the need to want to hit him, but it wasn’t something Morgan should be seeing. “I’m so sorry, I know I deserve this I just need to get Morgan inside. Please just give me a second.”

Negan’s pleading wasn’t enough to pull Joel out of his moment of fury when Joel lunged himself at Negan again. Joel knew Morgan was there, but Morgan was the last thing on his mind as Y/N did her best to wrap her arms around Joel’s chest in attempts to keep him from attacking Negan, “Enough! Joel! Stop!”

Gasping out, she felt Joel using his strength to overpower her and escape her grasp. Negan tried to dodge the attack, but Joel tackled Negan to the ground making him hit the ground hard. Without even thinking about the ramifications of his actions, Joel brought his fist into the center of Negan’s face at full force hearing both Morgan and Y/N trying to get him to stop.

Over and over again Joel hit Negan hearing him grunting with each hit. It almost infuriated Joel that Negan wasn’t fighting back or trying to defend himself from Joel’s attack. It seemed like he accepted his fate and knew that Joel needed to do this. At this point, his own fist was numb and just as he was about to throw his next hit, he felt the strength of someone else grabbing onto him. Not caring who it was, Joel knew that it wasn’t Y/N. It was definitely someone stronger, but he managed to pull himself away to continue his attack on Negan. Y/N was trying to throw herself between the two of them, but he shoved her away too.

“Go away,” Joel pushed Y/N back making her trip over her feet and hit the ground. Joel reached for Negan’s shirt pulling him up from the ground and he could see that he had already made a mess of Negan’s face.

“Please, stop. Morgan,” Negan tipped his head back attempting to look back at his daughter only to have Joel hit him again making blood spill out from Negan’s mouth.

“Get off him,” Joel felt a small amount of weight jumping on his back and small hits were felt against his shoulders. “Leave my daddy alone.”

It was in that moment realization hit Joel what he was doing. Dropping onto his bottom, Joel felt the weight immediately move from his back and he saw Morgan scrambling to Negan who was barely moving. The world was spinning around Joel when he saw both Tommy and Y/N join Morgan at Negan’s side to check on him.

If anything it was the sound of Morgan crying that broke Joel when he stumbled to his feet. There was a sense of remorse and the feeling of being mortified with what he had done in his crazed moment without thinking. Anger got the best of him and he stumbled back not sure what to do while they tended to Negan.

Y/N had Negan’s head in her lap while they tried to make sure that he was okay. Lifting his hands, Joel noticed how bloody they were and in that moment, everything hit him hard. Negan was someone he cared about. A lot. And Joel blamed this whole thing on himself. Attacking Negan was completely wrong and the worst decision that he could have made. It wasn’t even something that he wanted, but he just let his rage take over him.

“Morgan,” Joel muttered Negan’s daughter’s name attempting to reach for her, but she pulled away from him like his touch was fire and she clung tightly to her father. “Sweetheart.”

“Don’t touch me,” Morgan stared up at Joel with tears in her eyes and in that moment, he saw the fear that she had staring out at him. It made Joel step back and he felt his heart racing inside of his chest.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Tommy snapped at his brother and Joel looked around to see that people in town that were around had all stopped to see the interaction between the two of them. Some concerned bystanders were moving toward the house while they tried to make sure Negan was responsive. “We need to get him to the medical pavilion.”

“No,” Negan grumbled, lifting his head enough before dropping it back into Y/N’s lap. Time felt like it stood still while Negan’s chest fell and rose heavily. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Joel apologized before running off back down the street toward his home. People moved aside when Joel moved by them and any positive image that he had gained in making the community less afraid of him was gone now. They witnessed Joel beat the hell out of Negan to the point that he was a bloody mess and that was only going to make them more nervous.

“I’m okay baby,” Negan assured his daughter hearing her crying while Tommy worked to get Negan up from the ground. Both Tommy and Y/N worked together to get Negan’s arms hooked around their shoulders so they could help get him back into the house. Tommy led Negan to the couch while Y/N ran into the kitchen to grab what she could to help clean Negan up. A chill ran down her spine when Y/N moved back into the living room to see that Morgan was cuddled in close to a bloodied Negan. Moving to the other side, Y/N helped to clean off Negan’s face while Tommy hustled and tried to gather some ice for the potential swelling.

“I thought Joel was a good guy,” Morgan hooked her fingers tightly around Negan’s, not wanting to leave Negan’s side.

“Joel is a good guy,” Negan breathed out making Morgan’s face twist in confusion. “Daddy did something to hurt Joel.”

“You told me hitting people is never the answer,” Morgan reminded Negan who let out a wince when Y/N touched a certain part of his face making his eyes lift to Y/N who looked mortified knowing what happened.

“That’s because it’s not. There is never an excuse to hit someone like that,” Y/N spoke up knowing that Negan was going to be bruised.

“Baby girl, why don’t you do me a favor and go help Mr. Tommy with that ice?” Negan asked of Morgan who looked nervous at the idea of leaving his side. “I’m not going anywhere baby. I promise. It looks worse than it actually is. When you get cut on your head, you just bleed more. I’m really okay.”

With a nod, Morgan squeezed her father’s hand and headed into the kitchen to help Tommy while Y/N finished wiping up his face, “I think you might be a bit fucked up. You have a cut on your left cheekbone, over your right eyebrow and a split lip. It’s safe to say you’re probably going to have a black eye with a swollen and bruised cheekbone. Why did you let him do that?”

“Because I deserved that,” Negan breathed out in a slow rumble of words making Y/N’s face twist. “Joel has PTSD from his past and the things that happened. You and Ellie ground him, you keep him sane. And I was his friend. I was one of the only people he trusted and I ruined that.”

“But it was going too far,” Y/N insisted with a frown, stroking her thumb in over the side of Negan’s face wondering if he would genuinely be alright since Joel was hitting him as hard as he was. “He should have never done that in front of Morgan.”

“I’ve done worse in front of someone’s child,” Negan informed her with a broken breath, his eyebrows arching when he reached up to place his hand in over hers. “What I’m worried about is him right now. You should be with him. Not me.”

“But you’re hurt,” she felt an incredible ache inside of her knowing that this wasn’t Negan nor Joel’s fault, but solely hers for letting her emotions lead her actions. If she would have just gone home and not been over the top dramatic, she could have had exactly what she wanted right now with Joel. Instead she complicated everything between her with both Negan and Joel. “I should make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” Negan assured her, pulling her hands down to stroke over the tops of them. “He looks at Morgan like she’s his daughter. I know that her response to him is going to have him fucked up Y/N. Joel sees Sarah in Morgan. I’m worried about him.”

“He just beat the hell out of you…and you’re worried about him?” she stammered watching Negan nod his head slowly. “I don’t get it.”

“We’ve talked a lot,” Negan reminded her, leaning forward to brush his fingers through her hair. “And because I love you, I didn’t think about Joel. Joel has anger issues and he’s a fountain of untapped rage. Within reason I think…”

“I’ve never seen someone be punched by my brother and not fall on the first hit, so as far as I’m concerned, you’re like a hero to me,” Tommy returned with ice for Negan, sitting in beside him so he could help Negan ice the places that he needed. Morgan wasn’t far behind Tommy when she handed Negan over another bag of ice. “You can go to Joel. I’ll stay with Negan. Make sure everything is okay.”

“Are you sure?” she confirmed with Negan that he was okay with it and Negan gave her a single nod. Before she even considered going after Joel, she slid over and leaned forward to brush Morgan’s hair back behind her ear. “I’m so sorry sweetheart. I promise you your daddy is going to be okay.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Negan assured her, wrapping his arm around Morgan’s shoulders to pull her in closer to him so she could rest her head against the center of his chest. “It’s okay Y/N. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll be fine. Tommy is here. Just go check on him. He needs you right now. I’m fine.”

Giving Morgan’s hand a tiny squeeze, Y/N got up from the ground from where she was knelt before them and headed back toward her home. The walk back made her panic because she didn’t know what was going to happen or what to even say to Joel. What could she say to Joel to make things right? Because nothing would make things right for what she did.

Moving into the house, she heard silence and that worried her. A trembling breath fell from her lips when she entered the living room and saw that Joel was sitting on the couch with his head buried in his hands. The small box was still on the ground where Joel had dropped it, but what made her worry was seeing that Joel’s hands were still bloody from beating Negan. Taking careful steps toward Joel, she shakily reached out and wrapped her hands around Joel’s in attempt to get him to lower them. It made Joel jump when he lifted his head to stare up at her with his dark eyes.

“Come here,” she tugged faintly at his hands getting him to stand up and she led him toward the kitchen. Stepping in front of the sink, she could tell that Joel was deeply locked inside of his head while she helped him clean the blood from his hands. Joel didn’t speak or move, just stood there while she tended to him. When she was done, she brought him back to the couch to sit down and unhurriedly sat down beside him. “Are you okay?”

Hearing that come from her mouth surprised Joel and he looked to her with confusion. Dropping her hands down, she hooked her fingers with Joel’s and felt that he was shaking against her touch, “I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

“No, no…” Joel denied shaking his head repeatedly, his jaw clenching when he spoke. “This is my fault. I pushed you away from me. You told me how you felt about things and it’s my fault for not being more verbal with you. I should have made you know the whole time I was with you that I loved and cared for you, but instead I made you question it. It led you to Negan’s arms and that’s on me…not you.”

“You can’t blame yourself for me cheating with another man,” she swallowed down hard hating to admit that she did that to Joel, but it was true. “It’s my fault. I did it. Negan asked me to stop multiple times and I didn’t. I knew that he loved me and I took advantage of it because I was hurting. My self-esteem has been incredibly poor since I got hurt in the accident at the powerplant. I realized that no one here cared about me. People were going to Negan, leaving him gifts and worried about him. But no one came to see if I was okay. Not one person cared beyond your family and Negan.”

Joel’s brown eyes were locked with hers when she felt her emotions getting the better of her, “and then with the birthday and what you did yesterday, I just felt like no one really cared for me. Like I was just here and no one would be bothered if I was gone or not. Negan showed me so much love and kindness…I don’t know I was just craving to feel special Joel and that’s entirely my fault. I’m a horrible person. What I did was wrong. I put both you and Negan in a horrible situation.”

“Do you love him?” Joel inquired, his face twisting with contemplation when he looked to her for an honest answer.

“I do,” she responded feeling a huge sense of guilt when Joel lowered his head and looked down toward the ground. “He makes me feel better than anyone ever has.”

“Do you want to be with him?” Joel followed up with making her go to say something. Her lips parted, but nothing came out when Joel’s fingers curled further around hers. “Just go ahead. I won’t hold your answer against you.”

“Honestly?” she cleared her throat, a few stray tears sliding down the side of her face. “I don’t think I should be with anyone. I think I should be on my own. I hurt the two people I love the most in this world and I may have ruined their friendship. Which for you, you weren’t used to having friendships and I ruined that for you.”

“If you want to be with Negan, it’s fine. I just want you happy,” Joel’s voice was broken, his eyes tearing over and for the first time Y/N really felt a sense of how much Joel really cared about her. “I’m sorry that I attacked him. I don’t know what got into me. I reacted first and thought later. I should have never done that. I like Negan. I understand why you would want to be near Negan. I was just hurt with the timing.”

“I questioned if things were going on with you and Negan,” she informed Joel with a hurt sound, shrugging her shoulders. “I know you like him. More than you say. You wouldn’t be okay with him touching you like he does if you didn’t like him. And you laugh unlike I’ve ever seen you laugh.”

“I could say the same about you,” Joel reasoned with her, his mouth feeling incredibly dry while he tried to gather his thoughts. “I went to Negan for help because I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to be the best version of myself for you. I asked him for help because I knew that he could make you smile and laugh. I wanted that. I wanted to be the person that made you respond like that. I just never realized that would never be me because I’m not Negan. I tried.”

“You were doing a really good job. I just let my emotions get the best of me and I acted immature. I’m sorry,” she continued to place the blame on her knowing that Joel was definitely blaming himself at this moment. “Joel, I love you. So much. I do.”

“And I love you,” Joel admitted making her let out a shuddering breath hearing those words. Upon hearing it, she lowered her head into her free hand and he could tell that she was shaking. “I do love you.”

“You don’t mean it Joel. This whole love thing and the asking me to marry you…” she lifted her head to look out at the box that was still on the ground from where Joel had dropped it. Finally looking to Joel again, she felt guilty seeing the pain that he had from the moment. At this point she was fully crying and she let out a shuddering breath. “You’re doing it because you know it’s what I want. You are going out of your way to say and do things that you would never do because you knew I was sad. What kind of person am I to force you to say something you don’t mean or want?”

“I do mean it. I love you very much,” Joel insisted with a whimpering sound making her heart break with his fingers holding onto hers tightly. “And I wanted to get married to you. I want you to be my wife Y/N. I want you to be happy.”

“I know that’s not true though. You were comfortable with what we were before I started telling you that I wasn’t happy. If I forced you to marry me, that’s not love. If you were forced to marry me, you would never be happy. Not deep down. This wasn’t you doing this for you, this was you doing this for me,” she pointed out making an anxious sound fall from Joel’s throat and she shook her head slowly. “I’m a terrible person that I forced you to do this. I just got so deep into my head that I didn’t make the right decision. This was all my fault.”

“You can’t blame yourself for what I did,” Joel reasoned with her hearing her let out a half laugh.

“I knew that me being with Negan would upset you. I knew that if you found out you would beat the ever-living shit out of Negan. But for some reason, I never thought you would find out,” she informed Joel feeling her throat tightening up. “I don’t know what I was thinking. That I would just sleep with Negan and then everything would be fine between the two of us? It was Negan that convinced me to tell you what happened. He cared too much about you to lie to you…”

“Morgan…” Joel’s bottom lip trembled, his brow line creasing when he lifted his head to show that he was visibly upset too. “She was really upset?”

“Yeah…” Y/N breathed realizing that Negan was right. The real thing that likely pulled him out of what he was doing was Negan’s daughter.

“Fuck,” Joel cussed out, reaching out to shakily brush his fingers from his free hand through his messy hair.

“Negan is telling her that it was his own fault though. Negan is worried about you,” she claimed hearing Joel’s breathing change. Joel didn’t seem to know what to do with that information when she shook her head slowly. “We sure do have some strange emotions when it comes to him, don’t we?”

“I just thought we both agreed that if we were going to involve him, we would talk about it,” Joel thought back on their discussion that they had about Negan in the past. “I don’t…I don’t mind having him be part of our relationship if he makes you happy. That doesn’t bother me at all.”

“I thought you were joking,” she replied with a frown making Joel shift on the couch uncomfortably. “Again, that’s just you bending at the knee in attempts to make me happy. Including Negan in our relationship would just be you doing this because you know that I care about the both of you.”

“No, that’s not the only reason,” Joel cleared his throat, his jaw flexing when he looked her over. “We both know that Negan makes us feel good. Both of us. You don’t think I’ve considered it?”

“But you never acted on it,” she reminded him with a whimpering breath hating that it all came to this. “I’m sorry I confused you so much and fucked with your feelings as much as I did Joel. You deserve so much better than me. Both you and Negan do.”

“So you’re breaking up with me?” Joel was puzzled not sure where she was headed with what she was saying. It made her shrug and Joel let out a shuddering sound. “Y/N, you don’t have a home to go to. You gave yours up. This is your home. Unless you plan on moving in with Negan.”

“No,” she immediately shook her head knowing that would cause so much more drama. “I don’t know what I am doing Joel. I cheated on you with Negan. I did something awful. Something unforgiveable. You were here doing the one thing that I wanted and I was over there doing something terrible. You were giving me what I wanted and I was getting comfort from someone else because I thought you forgot about something again. Which if you did, I shouldn’t have cared because you are so focused on everything. You were always used to being on alert for the last twenty years. I am expecting too much from you Joel. I did something unforgivable and you shouldn’t even want to be with me.”

“Are you saying that you can’t be with me because you slept with Negan?” Joel tipped his head to the side making her eyebrows arch up in a moment of nervousness. “That’s the only reason?”

“It’s a big fucking reason Joel,” she muttered with a saddened exhale. “Why would you want to be with someone after they did that?”

“Because I love you and I don’t want to lose you,” Joel reiterated with a grumble knowing that she wouldn’t believe it when he told her that he loved her, but damn it, he fucking meant it. “I’m not ready to give up this. Us.”

“But it’s just you settling again,” she restated making Joel let out a frustrated breath. “You shouldn’t accept me doing this Joel.”

“It was an accident,” Joel suggested, his nose wrinkling when he tried to reach Y/N somehow but she seemed angrier with herself than he actually was with her. “I don’t blame you for this, I blame myself. I should have showed you this whole time how special you were to me. That’s on me.”

“Joel, I refuse to let you take blame for this whole thing,” she pulled her hand from his and stood up before him, folding her arms in front of her chest. “You shouldn’t just forgive me. I think you need to take a few days on it. I’ll sleep on the couch and then we can figure something out.”

“I’m not going to let you sleep on the couch,” Joel retorted with a grumble, his jaw clenching at the suggestion of it. “I can sleep on the couch, you can have the bedroom. Don’t worry about it.”

“Joel, no…” she went to bicker with him more, but he stood up and moved before her. “I can’t ruin our friendship and then have you sleep on the couch too. Just please, let me have this. I know you’re a gentleman, but I want the couch. It’s for me.”

With a huff, Joel knew that he didn’t want to keep bickering with her. Turning on his heel, he went to the box that had the ring inside and shakily picked it up. Sitting down on the edge of the couch, he pushed it into his jacket pocket and then looked to his hands. His right hand was shaking with how hard he had been hitting Negan. Stroking his fingers over the center of his hand, Joel felt odd just sitting there, “So, now what?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted sitting down on the couch making Joel swallow down hard. “I wish I had the answers and I could fix all of this. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt both you and Negan. And that’s exactly what I did.”

“Again, I could say the same thing,” Joel pled with her, holding his hands out to try to reason with her once more. “Y/N, I hurt you and that led you to Negan. And then I hurt Negan. Worst of all, I probably have his sweet, innocent daughter terrified of me now. I shouldn’t have attacked Negan, but I did. If you can forgive me for hurting you and Negan, I swear I can forgive you.”

“Joel, what I did was wrong,” she breathed out again making Joel roll his eyes and get up from the couch before heading to the stairs. Stomping up them, he headed for their room and heard her sigh from downstairs. “I’m sorry Joel.”

Slamming the door behind him, Joel headed over toward their bed and dropped down at the center of it stretching out his body. There were so many things filling his head right now. His regrets, sadness, anger, rage, remorse…fear. There was no doubting that he had problems, but one thing he knew without question was that he needed to have Y/N in his life and he needed to figure out how to make this whole thing right.

----

Tags: @jennydehavilland @de-gabyconamor @ibelongtonegan @smallsadjellyfish @labyrinthofheartagrams @msjamesmarch @thebeautysurrounds @hotfornegan @redmercysugar @caprithebunny @tuttifuckinfruitty @emoryhemsworth @a-girl-interupted @akumune @stoneyggirl2 @xsarcasticwriterx @insertneganhere @haleygreen23 @xhannahbananax03 @sanctuaryforthelost @burningredaffair @killaweiser @dead-of-niight @ayumi-wolf @hollyismentallyillhelp @tone-stark @chloepricerk800 @thesapphirequeen @wonwoosthetic @misskittydenoire @casangel1986

#Pedro Pascal #Jeffrey Dean Morgan #Negan #Joel Miller #The Last of Us #The Walking Dead #negan x reader #joel miller x reader #negan fanfiction #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x you #negan x you #tlou fanfiction #twd fanfiction

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wearykatie · 6 months

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The Journey Into the Wild Beyond - Introduction

In 2023, I ran my first full D&D campaign. K, a forever DM and the DM of three campaigns I play in, asked if I would be willing to run The Wild Beyond the Witchlight in place of one of those campaigns for a little while. The normal campaign is one we call Royal Flush, a 5th Edition D&D campaign set in a homebrew world where I play a Gunslinger Fighter who is an assassin for a holy order in the Erathis faith.

She’s actually really well-adjusted.

K needed a break from Royal Flush, and the current storyline allowed for that because we were visiting a town called Magewood that was hosting a coronation at the same time the Witchlight Carnival was in town. My character, Ana’leth Firebrook was following up on a lead and was conflicted because her younger sister was going to the Magewood Academy. She tries to keep her work life and home life separate, you see.

The pitch was simple: I would run Witchlight from the book, but tie it into the Royal Flush setting and K would be playing Elora Firebrook, aforementioned younger sister to my character. I would be running the game for five players: K and the Royal Flush players who would be playing new characters created specifically for this campaign. Our sixth player is on a hiatus for the game and wouldn’t be able to make this one either, but provided me with an NPC I could use.

I’d run games before. Typically one-shots or two-shots. A few months later in June, I would go on vacation with another of my D&D groups to play in person for the first time and run a one-shot there too. This would be my first long form campaign. Now, I figured K would want a few months break from Royal Flush but they and the rest of the group wouldn’t want to spend too much time away from our main game, so I’d run an abbreviated version of Witchlight.

I mean, it’s one campaign, Michael. What could it take? Ten sessions?

What Do You Mean Five Chapters?

So right away, I knew I was going to be making some changes to the campaign to get it to fit neatly into the setting and continuity of Royal Flush. I also like to make personal stories. I want to give player characters a reason for being there. Luckily, The Wild Beyond the Witchlight has a plot hook perfect for that: Lost Things

The basic premise is that the player characters all visited the Witchlight Carnival at some point in their past and snuck in without buying a ticket. Unbeknownst to them, doing so leaves you open to being stolen from by agents of the Hourglass Coven, three hags who pull the strings of the carnival. Now because these are hags and this is fey magic, it’s not as simple as getting your coin purse stolen. The things stolen could be nebulous concepts like a sense of direction, a sense of time, or even a name. The players are drawn back to the carnival some years later to find what they’ve lost and that’s where the game picks up.

I had my players, now I had to get them to create their characters. Since we already had one in the form of 15 year old academy student Elora, I decided to give them the prompt that all of their characters were students at the academy, and they could be of various ages, but teens to young adults were preferred, though given that some races age differently, the equivalent of teens would also work. Now let’s meet our player characters.

Elora Firebrook - 15 year old female half-elf Alchemist Artificer who lost a cherished stuffed animal.

Rhin - 8 year old female goblin Death Cleric who lost her artistic creativity.

Bjartur “Artie” Folur-Alfur - 75 year old male pallid elf Circle of Spores Druid who lost his sense of direction.

Hakewood - 18 year old male human Divination Wizard with a cool hat who lost his name.

Irlyhime “Early” Mystan - 17 year old female silver dragonborn Eldritch Knight Fighter who lost her sense of time.

When it came to the missing things, I wanted them to have a larger impact than what was described in the book. I think it gives an excellent start with a table you can roll on for your missing thing or pick your own, but I wanted to go deeper than the surface description. What does losing these things do to a person? How does it impact their life?

Strangely, the easiest to start with was Hakewood. He only had his last name, he didn’t know his first. It wasn’t a simple matter of forgetting the name and replacing it with another, the entire concept of the young man having a first name was lost to him. I described his entry papers for the academy either having ink spilled over the first name or no first name field existing on the paper at all. Early on, the rest of the party would try to recall his name and couldn’t, so they tried giving him one but nothing came to mind. Hakewood was just Hakewood, even to his family.

Rhin lived in a world of muted colors and rote tasks. She liked the newest season of the Simpsons, water without any ice, and dirt. Her only passion was for dead things, and Death Cleric kind of lent itself to ‘goth’ anyway. She was a loner, people thought she was weird, and she had long bangs that covered her eyes.

Artie couldn’t tell North from South. He got lost often, he’d forget where he came from and where he was going, and he required a sort of service animal to get to his classes. This service animal took the form of a white furred fox named Little Friend. Artie wasn’t just physically directionless, he’d also have trouble finding a path in life.

Early was another that sounded simple at first. She’d lose track of time often, never knew what time of day it was, and couldn’t tell you how old she was if she didn’t have it written down. Seconds could seem like hours, days like minutes, weeks like years. She also didn’t know how long she had been at the academy, nor did anyone else. Some thought she’d always been there. She worried that if she got her sense of time back, she’d find out she was much older than she appeared and possibly become old age, or even die.

So with all of those lost things being so existential, why did K pick a stuffed animal for Elora? Well, they didn’t. I picked it for them.

Picking on the DM

Maybe it’s just me, but when my forever DM friend asks me to run a campaign they can play in, I feel an obligation to make the experience as memorable for them as possible. And since they were playing the little sister of my character from their game, I felt an intense obligation to pick on them.

I was already taking creative liberties with the Witchlight story, so I asked for permission to take some liberties with Royal Flush canon. I wanted to be vague, but because of a certain thing, I had to show my hand on one thing. K basically gave me free reign to do whatever, knowing that I wouldn’t do anything too drastic.

So I killed Ana’leth.

This made no sense because we would be continuing Royal Flush after Witchlight, and where we left off, there was no way Ana’leth could be dead. However, the morning of the Witchlight Carnival, Elora got a letter from her sister’s temple. She knew what this letter was. She was warned this letter might come someday. This was likely a letter informing her that her sister fell in battle. So Elora had a lot on her mind, but she was afraid to open the letter, so she went to the carnival with the letter in her pocket.

She didn’t remember the stuffed animal. She knew she’d lost something, but she didn’t know what it was. But she would learn the importance of it soon enough, because that stuffed animal was the last gift her older sister gave her before she left home for training when Elora was only five years old.

This would be an ongoing thread through the game that would take a few twists and turns and not really have a payoff until Chapter 4. We’ll get there.

We’ve got the setting, we’ve got the players, now we need a story. Not just a story, an epic story. What’s the difference?

Presentation!

Luckily for me, The Wild Beyond the Witchlight has a good story already, and because most of it takes place in a little pocket of the Feywild, I didn’t have to make too many changes to get it to fit into the Royal Flush canon.

The Witchlight Carnival travels around the multiverse, offering fun, games, and prizes. It’s also closely linked to a Domain of Delight in the Feywild called Prismeer. I love fey myths and depictions in fiction. All of it from the cute and whimsical to the horror-themed stuff, and Witchlight offers a little bit of everything. The main villains are the Hourglass Coven who have taken over Prismeer by overthrowing its ruler, the archfey Zybilna.

The Hourglass Coven would be easy. Not many changes there. I divided the Lost Things up between the hags, then read up on their personal domains, personalities, and abilities. They consist of toad-like swamp hag Bavlorna Blightstraw, the doll-like Skabatha Nightshade, and the skeletal four-armed theater hag Endelyn Moongrave.

The first major change I made was actually regarding Zybilna. This is where the major spoilers come in, so this is your final warning for that. Zybilna has a long and storied past full of different identities. This plays heavily into who she is, her motives, and will influence how the party feels about her.

Much of this doesn’t really come out until Chapter 5 where the party is supposed to go through Zybilna’s palace learning about her past to eventually free her. We’ll get to Chapter 5 and my thoughts on how the book presents Zybilna, but I wanted to weave more hints about Zybilna’s true nature earlier in the story to make the party question whether she was good for Prismeer or not. I also wanted them to put together the mystery of her identity on their own rather than just being told near the end of the game.

The other major component of my campaign was giving the players a choice about how they dealt with the world. Witchlight is absolutely a campaign you can murder your way through or go for a full pacifist route. I wanted my players to have that option clearly presented from the start, especially because they were playing young students and not adventurers.

The campaign that followed surprised me. Not just in how much it challenged me creatively, but in how my players interacted with the world. We had many laughs and shed many tears along the way, and it’s an experience I’ll be thinking about for years to come.

#The Wild Beyond the Witchlight #D&D #d&d 5e #Journey Into the Wild Beyond #DM #GM

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marimosalad · 1 year

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8 TV shows can say a lot about a person!

Certainly for me, I think! I’m listing here many of my personal recs which (as this is a Haladriel blog) I will be talking about them in relation to Haladriel, if applicable.

Thanks for the tag @pursuitseternal 🌟

Without further ado:

———

1. Needless to say, The Rings of Power.

I’m a total sucker for Hot Bad Men™️ so I never stood a chance against Saubrand.

Blorbo aside, my attachment to this show far preceded my Saurondriel obsession — I was completely enamored with it since Episode 1, the first big scenic shot of Valinor; the Two Trees; the epic soundtrack; stunning costumes. I had tears in my eyes during the boat sailing into the light of Valinor. The scale of storytelling far exceeded my admittedly meager expectations.

Let me be clear: I did not want to like this show and was set on dismissing it as an inferior fan service following The Hobbit franchise. Next thing I knew my inner child had been awakened and my love for Tolkien universe rekindled. Add to this concoction my weakness for complex villains and the epic reveal of Hot Sauron — boom, I was done. I’ll never recover from this.

2. FRINGE.

This show has such a special place in my heart. It’s sci-fi, mystery, time travel, alternate timelines, quantum physics mumbo jumbo, love story, and a father/son story all rolled into one amazing series that ended abruptly and went under the radar for so long.

In this universe, Denethor II has reincarnated into a much more gentle, sweeter Dr. Walter Bishop who actually loves his son and will put his life at risk for his son over, and over, and over again.

I also have an undying admiration for Anna Torv’s Olivia Dunham (I’m planning a separate post of all my fictional female crushes over the years). I was so giddy to see her in The Last of Us — she’s an underrated actress who deserves to be in the spotlight.

3. LOST.

Probably the first TV show that I actually got seriously invested in as a young adult and since then I’ve watched it so many times in every phase of my life. I’ve named our new puppy after Penelope Widmore. My computer name is Not-Pennys-Boat. I’ve been thirsting after stranded-at-sea disheveled ruffians since Sawyer, who is my favorite character who was the antagonist at the beginning (I’ve been saying that Halbrand is the perfect mix of Sawyer and Aragorn).

Sawyer/Juliet is my absolute favorite onscreen couple, pre-Haladriel. Their chemistry is fire. They just work. (Hated him with Kate.) Just tell me this doesn’t scream Haladriel (aesthetically):

Bonus: scene look familiar? Desmond did it first 🔥

4. Outlander.

Ok, believe it or not, I wasn’t quite watching this for the copious amount of steamy sex just because I was watching with my husband AND my mom over the pandemic when we lived together, and needless to say it was quite awkward 😂 I have a particular inexplicable love for Scotland (despite having only gone there twice), so when I discovered the series I went head over heels in love with the landscape, costumes, historic details, music (Bear McCreary), mythology, etc. Oh, and the hot Scotsman too 🫠

Jamie and Claire are the epitome of cosmically connected soulmates, their love transcending across lifetimes. Their early sex scenes are 🔥🔥🔥.

Bonus fact: Sam Heughan was named after Samwise Gamgee by his Tolkien hippie parents. He’s been casually broadcasting that he wants a role in TROP. Could we help him? If enough of us use the tag #SamHeughanForCeleborn, will they give Galadriel the husband she deserves?

5. DARK.

Did I mention I’m a big fan of quantum physics, philosophy, time travel, and parallel universes? No? Well, this brooding German show just about represents everything I love. The perfectly planned 3-season show is everything you could ever hope for in a good TV series. It’s moody, intelligent, mind-bending, and heart-wrenching. Watch the first episode, and by the end of it, you’ll be hooked, I promise you. Oh and for the love of god, do not watch it dubbed.

6. Norsemen.

Ok, I don’t typically watch too much comedy. But I do like The Office. I also like medieval movies/shows. What if I said Norsemen was basically a medieval version of The Office? Oh, it’s so dumb. It’s so dumb I almost didn’t finish the first episode. But once you get in the groove, it’s hilarious as fuck. On Netflix.

7. True Detective.

I don’t know how many times I’ve rewatched this show — it’s my comfort show I watch by myself on my laptop on rainy evenings. I don’t know what that says about me, and I don’t want to know 😂

Aside from the intrigue of the creepy Southern Gothic and unsettling cult themes, I mainly attribute my obsession with the show to Matthew McConaughey’s brooding Rust Cohle. He’s tall and lanky, a total weirdo, a lone wolf, has commitment issues, single-minded about his job, and (a bit more than) slightly unhinged. Also known as my kind of dude.

8. Better Call Saul.

Greatest of all spin-offs, who knew that the show about the sleazy lawyer who represented the world’s greatest meth kingpin was actually a love story in disguise?

Bob Odenkirk and Rhea Seehorn as Jimmy and Kim are the perfect embodiment of a modern couple who are equals and opposites, bring out each other’s best and worst, and have an undying respect for one another which serves as the backbone for their relationship. They even take turns towing on opposite sides of the law, pushing and pulling each other’s inclinations towards Good & Bad, only to find each other drowning in the dense grey area that is all too real. They are the *could have beens* for Galadriel and Sauron in the best case scenario (I could go on with the similarities but I don’t want to spoil the show).

Bonus fact: Gennifer Hutchison was the writer for both BCS and TROP. This fact should speak volumes about the kinds of discussions that would have occurred in the writer’s room regarding the nature of Galadriel and Sauron’s relationship. Watch the show and you’ll understand.

I’ve got many more recommended shows, but I think these 8 have been my primary emotional support shows over the past few years. I debated including Raised By Wolves, but as it was prematurely canceled there isn’t a whole lot I could say about it, despite having a fantastic premise (and which I still recommend people watch).

No pressure tags (but also curious to know): @starlady66 @maironiiel @demonscantgothere @scriberated @wyrd-syster @formerlyir @nenyabusiness @thegreatzombieartisan and any others who want to join.

#tag game #8 shows to get to know me #personal #trop meta

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ashkav · 3 months

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Rock a bye baby (where am i?)

I was re-watching the trailer again after getting pretty far into a new playthrough of DS1 when something clicked. we've heard the lullaby at the very end of the trailer before, in DS1:

(starts at 9:25 in the trailer, and a couple seconds in in the second video)

youtube

when we meet Mama and her BT baby the exact same section of the exact same song is playing as the trailer, but a little extended and with more melodies going. and the song is pretty significant even in DS1 without connecting it to DS2: this is the only other lullaby we hear in the game that isn't BB's theme. and it plays directly before we meet the third most important child character in the game, after Lou and Sam. and the order we hear BBs theme and rock a bye is even the same! the first trailer, Higgs sings a warped version of BB's theme, which we hear in DS1 near the very beginning after hooking up to Lou for the first time and seeing Cliff sing a section. the second trailer, a warped version of rock a bye, heard for the first time about a third of the way through the game when first meeting Mama.

the song is slower and simpler in the trailer compared to in DS1, with a very old almost broken down sound. the octopuses on the mobile seem really relevant considering just how many references to tentacles we've seen in the trailers so far: Elle Fanning's sucker arm, the tar-cat's tongue, the DHV Magellan's logo. and we know some time has passed since the end of the first game. could the song be coming from the same mobile?

thematically, it would be a fitting gift, if it was given as a gift to Sam - if the theories are right and Lou is haunting the BB pod then it'll be an object shared between two impossible BT babies. LockneMama would be the literal best person for Sam to get in contact with again, being the only person (people?) to actually have gone through something similar with a dead not dead daughter. (and it's a completely impractical gift for a living baby with squishy skin, being metal and likely to cut or injure a grabby infant.)

I don't know. i think it would be a really neat narrative parallel if Mama played a role in DS2, but since Margaret Qualley has not been mentioned in any promotional material I doubt she'll be in the game in any major way. that doesn't necessarily mean the theory is wrong; the character could still interact with Sam through emails but the reduced presence doesn't seem

ok wait had a brain wave does Shioli connect to this somehow? complete hunch based on nothing but the first song was obviously the song that connected Lou and Sam, as they're both BBs and the theme is used for both of them. we've seen absolutely nothing of who Shioli is despite knowing she must be a major character based on her poster and her name on the credit list. is rock a bye the song that connects Lou and Shioli's character?

her character poster:

rock a bye baby is about a baby being 'lost' - "when the bough breaks the cradle will fall/ down will come baby, cradle and all."

euphemistically, it can be about child death due to negligence or instability, but going 'down' in the case of death stranding also immediately brings to mind tar, the sinking and the rising. is she 'down' at the beach?

'cradle and all' seems to me to imply there's other things related to cradles that are all going down with the baby, blankets, toys, etc. lots of mobiles attach to cradles.

maybe i'm grasping at straws with the Shioli connection, but the lullaby is the only part of the trailer that doesn't seem to obviously link back to or directly relate to the known characters. and since Mama isn't going to be a major player, maybe Shioli will fill the same thematic presence in this game as Mama did in the last - Mama, too, was lost in a sense, her Ha and Ka split when her baby died and untethered when her psychic link to Lockne broke. Mama was an inversion of the stillmother - maybe Shioli is an inversion of Lou?

#what being an inversion of a BB means is anyone's guess #but young women in death stranding are literally always the most important characters lore wise #and since this game seems to be about learning more about BBs and Lou in particular i would bet a lot that shioli is related to that #death stranding #death stranding 2 #lou #mama #shioli kutsuna #theoryposting #Youtube

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katzell · 10 months

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How I Met Your Father - Review

Seasons 1 & 2

First, know that I was there in the beginning. I watched How I Met Your Mother starting in season 3 and watched it as it aired until the very bitter end. Everyone has a show that disappointed them and let them down. But I honestly think that nothing compares to the horror of the last episode of HIMYM, because it made everything that came before it worse. Mayyybbee some LOST fans get it. But at least that finale wasn’t a character assassination in the name of one last smug trick. It was a rumination on love and humanity that allowed the characters a moment of grace in a world that denied it. HIMYM’s trashed seasons of character work for Barney and Robin and its own success in actually finding someone to play the Mother who was worth 11 seasons of waiting. But sure, wasn’t it clever they had footage of the kids before they grew too big saying the story was always about Ted loving Robin. Of course nothing that was filmed after season 3 really mattered.

I’m sorry to begin this way, but as Robin Scherbatsky and Barney Stinson appear in HIMYF, clearly in the between times, post divorce but before the titular mother’s horrible death, we have to talk about it.

I hadn’t meant to watch this show. Poor Chris Lowell will forever be Piz. The Veronica Mars trauma is another thing all together and others have written about that better. But as a lifelong Hilary Duff fan, I was curious to see her do a traditional adult sitcom.

In 2021, the pilot didn’t convince me. I agreed with reviews that said none of the characters acted or spoke like millennials. The side stepping of covid felt weird as well. Where HIMYM had a really eerie knack of conjuring NYC from LA, the reboot felt more soundstagey. I chalked it off as another mercenary move to mine IP and play on nostalgia.

But I guess this is why we live on Tumblr! Because the right gifset on your dash at the right time can make you reassess. And the right persons face can make you pause and go, I guess this is happening now.

In 2023, watching a comedy that was in fact pure shenanigans suddenly felt like a gift. As everyone reassess the changes in the US television industry, I hope distributors see the value in greenlighting shows like this again. I love my prestige comedies that want to incite anxiety attacks. But I also love seeing friends living in a city run around having madcap adventures. And I love a show that unabashedly wants me to ship characters and care about romance! Particularly the slow kind that works off dozens of episodes to establish.

And luckily for me, HIMYF has the very dreamy Sid, played by Suraj Sharma. I mean, who doesn’t at some point fantasize about a hot bar owner smart enough to go to [insert highly demanding profession here] but chose instead a cozy place where all their friends can hang. (See also New Girl). I need at least 3 more seasons, 20 episodes each, because I’m invested in the potential between he and Hillary Duff’s Sophie. Its nascent and yet so much more intriguing than Sophie’s other more obvious, but boring options. (Apologies to Chris Lowell’s Piz Jessie). Sophie and Sid have the easy charm to power a friends to lovers for the ages. And with his marriage on the rocks, and her dating his best friend, the melodrama is there too! The stupid concite of the show has its hooks in me again and I am definitely scared. You would be too if you saw the pathos and rawness Cobie Smuthers brings to her cameo. I’ve been kicked in the teeth before by this world. Neither of us are over it.

Fine, a brief word on Barney’s cameo. Awful. He talked about how he learned to respect women thanks to a special girl in his life. It was his fucking daughter and not Robin. I knew this and it still hurts. The electroshock pants weren’t funny. But I did like that he wouldn’t charge a nice girl for smashing his car if she had a fun enough story. That was the character I liked.

#how i met your father #himyf #sophie x sid #katie watches tv

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bcdrawsandwrites · 1 year

Photo

[ID: A Bad Things Happen Bingo card. Various prompts are marked with a half-brain (prompt requested but not filled) or full-brain (prompt requested and finished) symbol, while the “Communication Suddenly Cut Off” prompt specifically is marked with a full brain symbol. /end ID]

OKAY! So here’s my second fic for my second @badthingshappenbingo challenge!

I am currently NO LONGER OPEN FOR REQUESTS. I have enough to work on to get a bingo! I MAY decide to reopen prompts later if I want to keep going after finishing these fics, but for now, I am closing requests!

This fic is for @pinkygrocket! Thanks to her and @jaywings for beta-reading!

[ID: A Psychonauts fanfic banner on a black-to-gray gradient background. On the left in white text it says “Prompt #2: Communication Suddenly Cut Off.” On the right is an animated purple figment a glittering psitanium crystal cluster. /end ID]

Prompt: Communication Suddenly Cut Off Characters: Razputin Aquato and Sasha Nein Warnings: Mild claustrophobia, (SPOILERS: blood, minor injury)

---~~~---

Mission Notes:

Meet Ford for new mission debriefing!

Pack gear for ULTRA COOL NEW MISSION!

Double-check AWESOME MISSION GEAR THAT IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE BORING!

Board COOL MISSION HELICOPTER FOR INCREDIBLE DEATH-DEFYING MISSION!

Travel into the DEEP WILDERNESS for DANGEROUS, IMPORTANT MISSION!

count rocks

Raz glared down at his notebook, tapping his pen against it.

Nope, there really was no way to glamorize this.

With a dramatic sigh, he TK'd his pen and notebook into the open backpack that sat at his feet, one strap hooked around his foot to keep it stable. It wasn't his old backpack, but a much larger one equipped with camping gear, as well as various tools Otto had supplied him with for the mission. He considered triple-checking his gear to make sure he had the counting device thingy, the experimental psychic tent shield, all the food, his sleeping bag, and everything else. But there wasn't much of a point when they were already on their way there. Frowning, he zipped the bag shut.

Is everything all right, Razputin? asked a voice in his head.

Looking up, Raz caught Sasha's gaze from the seat across from him. He was still getting used to the sight of him in exploration gear rather than a lab coat. "This isn't some secret mission," Raz said, raising his voice to try to be heard above the helicopter's blades. "We can just talk!"

Yes, but this is easier than competing against the noise of our transport, or bothering our pilot by speaking over the headset.

Well, he wasn't wrong. Raz shrugged. I dunno. I was all excited to go out on a new mission—(especially with Agent Nein! he added to himself)—but we're just... counting rocks.

We're surveying the levels of psitanium and its effects in a small area of Canadian wilderness near the Coast Mountains.

Yeah. Raz leaned back in his seat, fixing Sasha with a deadpan look. Counting rocks.

Sasha tipped his head. Do you believe our mission is unimportant?

I dunno. I just thought we were supposed to be... saving the world? Helping people? Fighting inner demons and all that?

Certainly. And this is helping people, in a way. TKing a cigarette out of his pocket, Sasha stared at it for a moment before thinking better of lighting it within a helicopter, and pocketed it again. Psitanium is a volatile substance that can have strange effects on nonpsychic humans and wildlife.

I know, I know. Agent Cruller already went over this with us.

Then you understand how dangerous psychic wildlife is to an unprepared person.

Yeah, but... Raz gave a vague, useless gesture with his hands. We're not saving people's lives or anything. A thought struck him, and he sat upright. What if we encounter a lost explorer who's in the clutches of a telekinetic grizzly bear?

Sasha raised an eyebrow. You wish to discover an innocent person in danger to make the mission more exciting?

Wincing, Raz slumped back in his seat. ...No, not really.

Hmm. Think of it this way: The only information we have about this area is a rough idea of where it is, as well as some vague reports of unusual phenomena—glowing rocks and strange animals, likely psitanium and the animals it has affected. It's our job to expand on that information so that it is available for others to reference. In that way, we are saving people before they are put into danger. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does, but... He looked up, spreading out his hands in exasperation. It's counting rocks.

Sasha chuckled, shaking his head. Measuring the area and levels of the psitanium deposit, but yes. And don't worry, you'll learn to appreciate tamer missions like this. Nature can be quite beautiful, and we’ll be far away from any of the noise of civilization. As you remember, sometimes isolation can be a good thing. He let Raz dwell on that for a moment before continuing, Not to mention, you need some more experience filling out mission paperwork.

Raz groaned, holding his head in his hands. That paperwork for getting a passport was bad enough...

You'll get used to it. It's not so bad. I did plenty of survey work when I first joined the Psychonauts, after all.

Raz perked up. Really?! What kind of—

The helicopter swerved.

Grabbing at nearby poles, Raz and Sasha managed to stabilize themselves as the helicopter did the same. Raz gave Sasha a bewildered look. What the heck was—?

"Sorry about that, Agent Nein." The voice of the helicopter pilot speaking over their headsets broke through their thoughts and they looked up. After a brief uncomfortable pause, he continued, “I’m… a bit behind on maintenance, but I wasn’t expecting her to do that.”

That’s encouraging, Raz thought with a frown.

“Regardless, we're approaching the marked area. There's nowhere to land, so once we're low enough I'll put down the ladder—"

"No need," Sasha replied through the headset. He stood up, TKing his own backpack behind him. "Just open the door and let us know when we're at a safe area to land."

“Crazy psychics…” the pilot muttered, not caring that Sasha or Raz could hear him. He then raised his voice again: "Roger that."

Raz hopped down from his seat, slipping the backpack over his shoulders. Feeling the helicopter shift beneath him, he grabbed a nearby pole to stabilize himself. Are we there?

Just about, Sasha replied, facing the door. Prepare yourself.

Nodding, Raz pulled his goggles over his eyes, and Sasha did the same with his own pair.

The next few minutes passed like a few dozen as they waited for the helicopter to get closer to the ground. Finally, the pilot called to them again. "All right, get ready. I'm opening the door in three, two—"

The door opened, and the sound of the helicopter's blades blasted into them like an explosion. It briefly reminded Raz of the airplane he'd been on in Basic Braining, but this was... well, real.

Before he could dwell on that for much longer, Sasha removed his headset and gestured for him to approach the door. Raz removed his headset, shoved his helmet back onto his head, and looked out. As far as the eye could see was a green sea of trees, rolling under a silver sky and over jagged snowcapped mountains. Raz’s jaw dropped. He'd seen plenty of forests and mountains before, but not from this height. This was high, even for an acrobat. It was like the high-dive in Nona’s mind… except this wasn’t a mind.

"Uh—"

Sasha put a hand on his shoulder, and Raz tipped his head up to meet his gaze. When Sasha nodded at him, he nodded back, and they turned down at the ground again. Finally, Sasha leaped from the helicopter, Raz following half a second later.

Cold wind streaked past Raz and whipped against his jacket as he zipped past his senior agent. Gritting his teeth, he held his right hand upward and snagged a thought bubble, which caught him in the air, slowing his descent. He leaned to the left to maneuver past a tree that was a bit too close for his liking, and gave a start when something else drifted into his field of vision: Sasha, "standing" perfectly straight and moving at a leisurely pace toward the ground as though taking an invisible elevator. A moment later, Raz's thought bubble popped, and he dropped the last few feet to the ground below, Sasha landing a few seconds later.

Overhead, the sound of the helicopter faded as it began its journey back to its base.

"Are you all right, Razputin?" Sasha asked, lifting his goggles.

Raz stood stock still as what he'd just done sank in. "Th-that..." With a shaking hand he pulled his goggles back onto his helmet. "...was so cool!" Grinning, he looked back up at Sasha. "Wait until I tell Lili I got to jump out of a helicopter!"

"Not so boring now, hm?" With a smile, Sasha TK'd a map and a compass out of his backpack and unfolded it before the two of them, Raz standing on his toes to get a better look. Marked on the map was a red X—the coordinates the helicopter pilot had been instructed to drop them off at—as well as an area a short distance north of it that was circled in red, a few question marks surrounding it. Sasha glanced between the map and compass a few times before turning in the correct direction and TKing one more item out of his backpack: a handheld blue-and-gray piece of equipment that featured an antenna with some psitanium-infused bulb at the end, a couple handles, several buttons, a keypad, and a screen.

Recognizing the device, Raz brightened, TKing his own out of his backpack and looking it over. "Right, the Psitanium Surveyor Mk. 4!" he exclaimed, turning it in his hands. "We're supposed to input our current coordinates into it, right?"

"I see you remembered Otto's instructions," Sasha said with a nod. He flipped the device on, eyeing the map one more time before he keyed in a few numbers. "That's correct. Be sure to get the numbers exact." With that, he moved the map closer to Raz.

"Got it." Raz hit a switch on the side of the device, whose screen lit up with purple text prompting him to input the coordinates. Looking between the map and the number pad a few times, Raz punched in the digits, double checking them before hitting the enter key.

The numbers were replaced by a large purple check mark and a cheerful chime, before the screen then displayed a message that read, "Beginning survey!"

"So... now we walk?" he asked, looking back up at Sasha.

With a hum of confirmation, Sasha moved the map back to his side before marching north through the forest.

Following Sasha, Raz surveyed his surroundings. Now that he was on the ground, the sights were a lot more familiar. Not that he'd ever been to this particular forest, but his family had traveled far and wide, and he'd seen his fair share of them. The sky was overcast and cold, the trees and grass spread before them were a dull green, and the mountains looming in the distance sported a cold blue-gray. Frowning, he snatched the map from Sasha's telekinetic grip, looking over the circled area—miles away from those mountains. "Man, too bad the psitanium deposit's not in the mountains."

"Thank goodness. That would make our work a lot harder."

"I guess." It might've been cooler, though. Sighing, Raz moved the map closer to Sasha, who accepted it back into his telekinetic grip without looking. The forest was quiet, other than the occasional distant caw of a bird and pine needles shuffling in the breeze. Raz fidgeted with the device in his hands, rubbing his thumb over the buttons without pressing them.

"So uh... you were saying you did survey work before?"

"Yes, many times," Sasha answered. A fallen log loomed in front of him, and he lifted his feet off the ground, levitating over the obstacle before landing on the other side. "It's typical work for new agents."

"But you're not a new agent now."

"No, but you are, and you need a senior agent with you."

Raz tipped his head in interest. "So who was your senior agent you got paired with?"

"Otto Mentallis, of course."

Eyes widening, Raz hurried up to Sasha's side. "Wow!" he exclaimed, and Sasha glanced down at him. "What was it like working with him back when—"

Sasha's foot caught against a stray tree root, and he let out a startled cry as he stumbled.

Raz was quick to catch him before he fell, his TK hand grabbing Sasha's backpack before it dropped on top of him. "Sorry!" he cried, helping him back upright. "I'm sorry, Sasha, I didn't mean—"

"It's all right, Razputin," he said tensely, brushing himself off. "But perhaps now is not the best time to engage in idle conversation."

Wincing, Raz nodded before hanging his head. "Understood."

They continued in silence for some time. Sasha checked the map every so often while Raz glanced down at his device a few times, waiting for any sort of change, and then looked back up at Sasha. He couldn't help but notice how out here in the wilderness, Sasha’s shoulders were tense and he constantly checked his feet to make sure he was hovering over any obstacles. He'd always looked a lot cooler in the comics, but here in real life, he was out of his element. Granted, an untamed forest was a far cry from a sleek enemy base, the Motherlobe, or even the Whispering Rock campgrounds. He needed to be a bit more careful out here.

Man, even the fact that he was on a mission with Sasha Nein didn't help make things any more exciting—not when he couldn't even talk to him, anyway.

After half an hour of silence and still nothing from either of their devices, Raz stopped in his tracks. "This is taking forever! Do we really have to keep walking until these surveyors find anything?"

Sasha stopped as well, looking back at him. "Yes. They'll alert us to the presence of psitanium nearby, and we can start mapping out the perimeter of the deposit."

"Yeah, but we don't even know where it is, other than maybe somewhere north of where we landed." Raz swung his hand out to gesture at the forest. "We could be wandering for hours!"

There was a tinge of exasperation to Sasha's voice as he turned around. "What else do you propose we do, then?"

"...Good question." Putting a hand to his chin, Raz scrutinized the forest around them. There were a lot of normal-looking trees, some hills to the west, some fallen logs scattered around... and a familiar chattering nearby. Raz perked up. "I got it!"

After setting his equipment down, Raz sorted through his backpack and pulled out an oatmeal-raisin granola bar. He peeled the wrapper away and shoved it back into the backpack, then transferred the bar over to a TK hand and peered around the forest. All right, where are you...

Another chittering noise answered his thought, this time closer than before. Raz strained to hear it—to actually hear it, the way Oleander or Dogen could, or the way he could understand Harold. Squirrels were close enough to rats, right? And he could understand that one squirrel on the jet when he used clairvoyance on it, so this should work, shouldn't it?

It took a lot more concentration than he was expecting, but eventually he was able to make out a few of the words: Smell? Smell good? Food?

"That's right, my fluffy little friend!" Raz called out. "This is good food!" He paused, rubbing his chin. "If you like raisins, anyway."

Give it! The squirrel—one with gray fur rather than the reddish-brown ones Raz saw around Whispering Rock and the Motherlobe—finally reared its head, skittering out from behind a tree, but balked at the sight of Raz and Sasha. Uh-oh!

"Wait, it's okay!" Raz held up his hands while moving the granola bar closer, but still out of the squirrel's reach. "We're not gonna hurt you. We just want to ask you something—then you can have this!" He waggled the granola bar. "Can you help us?"

The squirrel stood still for a few agonizing moments, its gaze fixed on the granola bar. Its nose wiggled. Food smells good.

"Taking that as a yes. Okay, so, can you tell us where we can find funny glowing rocks?"

After a few seconds of silence, the squirrel fluffed up. Bad rocks! Very bad! Not good for eating. Many-color-rocks bad. One-color rocks worse!

Raz raised an eyebrow. "Many-color-rocks? No, we’re just looking for purple ones.”

What’s purple?

Raz tipped his head back and rolled his eyes. “Nevermind—can you just tell me where the glowy rocks are?”

Flicking its tail, the squirrel chattered something Raz couldn't catch, though he got the distinct impression it was doing the squirrel equivalent of muttering under its breath and calling him "stupid" in several different ways. But finally it sat down on all fours.Toward sunset. Yes. Bad rocks!

"Toward sunset?" Raz repeated.

"To the west, then," Sasha replied, and Raz looked back at him. "We'll have to keep an eye on our map as to not get lost, but it's as good a lead as any."

"Great!" Grinning, Raz turned back toward the squirrel. "Okay, you can have your—"

The squirrel sprang forward, snatching the granola bar in its mouth and bolting out of sight.

"...food." Sighing, Raz dismissed his TK hand and pulled his backpack over his shoulders. He picked up the survey device and approached Sasha again. "Let's go?"

"Yes."

They resumed their trek through the forest, this time heading west to the hillier region. The terrain was rougher here, and Sasha took to constantly levitating in order to avoid tripping on the uneven ground. He checked the map repeatedly, along with the compass and his own survey device, and Raz got the feeling he wasn't happy about being out in this area.

Just as Raz opened his mouth to suggest they turn back, a two-note tone beeped from their equipment, and the bulb attached to them lit up a bright purple. Eyebrows raised, Raz looked down at the screen, finding it now displayed their current coordinates, as well as a new reading: "Psitanium power count: 7 ottos.”

"Impressive!" Sasha said with a small smile. TKing a pen out of his backpack, he marked their position on the map. "Excellent work, Razputin. It seems your informant was good on his word."

Raz pumped his fist.

"Now that we've reached part of the border of this territory, we can begin the survey proper."

Oh, right, this part. Sighing, Raz held out his device. "So we're marking the perimeter, right?"

"Yes. Then once the perimeter for the deposit has been marked out, we can move inward."

"All right, I can take care of that pretty quick!" With the thought of rapidly knocking out this mission lifting his spirits, Raz summoned his levitation ball, prepared to charge forward.

"Wait!"

Raz paused, balancing on one leg. "Don't worry, Sasha! If you can't keep up, you can just stay put and I'll meet you again when—"

"No, Razputin. The survey device can't detect the psitanium levels that quickly. This must be done at a walking pace if it's to be done accurately, and an accurate assessment in the area could mean the difference between life and death for travelers. Not to mention, we need to keep an eye out for any potential anomalies."

Groaning inwardly, Raz dismissed the lev ball, dropping to the ground with a thump. "Walking pace, got it."

As they used their devices to help them determine where the perimeter was, Raz kept an eye out for anything unusual. About ten minutes into their journey, he spotted just that: a lumpy, faded brown object that stood against the green foliage. "Hey!" Nearly dropping his survey tool in his excitement, Raz crouched down to inspect the object, noting the straps on it. "I think this is someone's old backpack!"

"It seems to be." Sasha hovered closer. "It's certainly seen better days."

Lifting it off the ground, Raz winced; he had to agree. From a large hole chewed in the bottom of the backpack tumbled out a few granola bar wrappers and animal droppings. "Yeah, some animals got to this. There's still something inside, though!" He set it down and unzipped a smaller pocket, and his eyes lit up. "Woah! Check this out!" Using TK he pulled out a clunky square object that reminded him of his Otto-Shot camera. "It looks like some agents were sent here before us! Were they Psychonauts? Or—wait, no, probably the Gastronauts! What kinda spy gear is this?" He looked back at Sasha, only to blink at the slight smile on his face. "What's so funny?"

"I'm not sure I would consider a polaroid camera 'spy gear,'" Sasha remarked.

Face flushing, Raz shoved the camera back into the backpack. "Right..."

"Nevertheless, you may have found something noteworthy. Does the backpack contain any developed photos?"

Raz's face brightened again as he dug through the bag. After a moment he TK'd out a handful of black-and-white photos, but frowned at their state. Many of them were chewed up, some to the point where they were completely unsalvageable. "Yeah, but it looks like the animals got to these before we did." Flipping through them, he saw a few photos of people (unrecognizable thanks to the damage), a photo of some deer a distance away from the camera, and a dark photo in which only some large crystals were visible, embedded into rock. "Huh! Looks like they found psitanium," he said, holding up the last one.

"That seems the case, though that doesn't appear to have been taken in the forest." Sasha's glasses narrowed. "Perhaps a cave?"

"Oooh! Are we going to explore a cave?" Raz asked, finally standing up. He TK'd the last photo into his own backpack.

"We might encounter one later, after inspecting this perimeter. Though hopefully it's not too rough of a terrain... I wasn't planning on doing any spelunking."

"It's not too bad. The caves in the quarry were pretty cool!"

"Hmm."

Now in much higher spirits, Raz resumed his trek. Maybe this mission would be exciting after all.

---~~~---

Three and a half hours later, it was not more exciting.

They'd found nothing notable past the backpack—not even a cave.

Not that it was terrible, but this was definitely the most boring mission he'd ever been on. Even when he was just collecting cards, scavenger hunt items, and mission-critical assets around the camp and the quarry, he was still running and jumping and making use of his acrobatic skills. Here, though, it was a lot of walking. A lot of walking back and forth, too, to make sure they were marking the perimeter of the psitanium deposit correctly, with one of them staying outside the perimeter and one within. Sasha did the tedious part of marking the map, at least. But in the past few hours, the most exciting thing had just been occasionally switching places to shake things up a bit. As much as Raz itched for something to happen, there were no anomalies so far. There were the occasional animals, but none they encountered were psychic. In fact, most seemed to stay far from the perimeter.

There hadn't been much talking, either, aside from Raz letting Sasha know his current readings, or Sasha occasionally announcing that they would stop for a brief rest. As it was, Raz gave a start when his senior agent spoke up: "And that should do it."

"Huh?" Raz moved closer to Sasha, standing up on his toes to look at the map. "Do what? Are we done?"

"See for yourself."

The map was TK'd down to Raz, who immediately brightened at the sight of a complete (but very wonky) circle on the map. "Oh, finally! Now we can explore this area, right?"

"Yes, though remember that we'll need to maintain our walking pace in order to keep our readings accurate. Make note of any anomalies, as well."

"No sign of those yet," Raz muttered. "But... didn't the reports we got say something about psychic animals?"

Sasha lit a cigarette with pyrokinesis, smoking it as he mused. "They did. There were reports of people encountering strange, terrifying creatures that they could not identify. However, keep in mind that most of the reports come from explorers, many of whom often exaggerate their claims. As well, so far our psitanium readings have been fairly low. It may not be affecting the wildlife as much as the psitanium levels at, say, Whispering Rock affect the animals there." When Raz heaved another sigh, Sasha looked down at him again. "Nevertheless, there's a chance of something turning up. On one of my own surveys I encountered psitanium-enhanced cockroaches."

"Wait, really? What were they like?"

"They glowed purple, and were annoyingly resistant to psi-blasts."

"Oh." Raz blinked. "Cool! Cockroaches that are even more invincible than normal."

"I suppose, though not enjoyable to encounter in one's backpack."

"Blegh." Raz stuck out his tongue, then shook his head. "Well, I don't want that, but it'd be cool to see literally anything."

"We certainly won't see much by standing around." Sasha nodded to the north and began levitating out in that direction, Raz following suit. "We still have several hours before we run out of daylight. It will be good to cover as much ground as we can before then."

"And then we can whip out the tents and tent shields!" Raz exclaimed, TKing the latter device out of his backpack to look it over. It was bundled up into a ball right now, but it was supposed to create a psychic force field comparable to a psi-shield around the tent. Otto claimed it did, anyway. "Do you think these things work?"

"Hopefully, but if not, I believe we have enough power between the two of us to protect against any aggressive wildlife."

Okay, he didn't want that either, but hopefully surveying this new area would provide some amount of excitement.

Unfortunately, this part of the mission was nearly as dull as the last part, walking (what felt like) near-aimlessly through the woods as their survey tool continued to pick up readings around them. What made it slightly different was the fact that occasionally, purple shards dotted the ground, and thin lines of purple gas bubbled out of cracks in the soil here and there. The sights weren't as common as the ones at Whispering Rock, but it was something, at least.

However, it was not enough to stave off Raz's boredom. The sensations he'd experienced had started off subtle, but now he felt like his skin was crawling, like his muscles were about to explode, like his mind wanted to start setting things on fire if he couldn't move soon. He swore he hadn't gone this long without running since he'd passed out for nearly twenty-four hours a month or so ago. He almost wanted to ask Sasha if they could stop for another bathroom break, if only for an excuse to run somewhere—

The snap of a twig rang out through the woods.

Raz froze, his mind full of blind, paralyzing terror, as though he were looking into the maw of a monster and unable to move away from it. His breathing picked up, his heart pounding, only for a thought to strike him—the emotion wasn't his. It was like when he could sense the hunger pangs when he CV'd into a hungry fish guard, or when he felt the crackling anxiety of the squirrel in the jet. On top of that, there was something speaking in his mind, but the words were jumbled and confused and heightened in panic.

"Um, S-Sasha?" he stammered, and Sasha stopped, turning back to him. "I-I don't think we're alone!"

The senior agent lowered himself to the ground, stepping closer. "What is it? Can you sense something?"

"I-I think something's sensing me! And... trying to talk to me?" He placed a hand on his forehead, trying to reach out, but he couldn't CV into something he couldn't see. He looked in the direction where he'd heard the twig snap, but if something was there, it wasn't visible to him. "I-I dunno where it is!"

Sasha was looking around too. "Can you try talking to it?"

Why hadn't he thought of that? Shutting his eyes, Raz spoke up within his mind: Who are you? I can't understand you!

The presence in his mind seemed just as confused, but no less afraid. Even so, it seemed to compel him to look in a specific direction.

Opening his eyes, he turned toward the east, but could still see nothing out in that direction. What is it? Can you show me—? And before he could ask anything further, he let out a startled cry, for the foreign voice shouted into his mind before abruptly fleeing. Meanwhile, in the direction he'd heard the twig snap, there was the unmistakable sound of something darting through the woods in the direction opposite of where Raz was looking.

"Interesting," Sasha remarked, staring after the noise.

"What is it?" Raz looked up at Sasha, then back where the noise had come from. "Did you see it?"

"A deer of some sort fled from here. Is the presence still in your mind?"

Looking down, Raz rubbed his head. "No... it went away at the same time the deer must've left."

"Fascinating!" Sasha smiled down at him. "Razputin, I believe you've encountered a clairvoyant deer."

"Ohhhh!" Raz brightened. "That's probably why I couldn't understand it. But..." Frowning, he looked back toward the east. "It was scared. Really, really scared."

"Not surprising. Deer tend to be fearful of humans in general."

"But then why would it try to talk to me at all? It felt like it was trying to tell me something."

"Hmm, you might want to speak to Agent Boole or Morry about expanding your zoolingualism skills," Sasha said, turning toward the east as well. "Could you gather anything from what you sensed?"

"Well, it wanted me to look this way," Raz said, pointing out into the forest. "But when I asked if it could tell me or show me what was out there, it kinda yelled at me, I think, and that's when it ran away."

"Perhaps it's frightened of something out in that direction." Pulling up his map, Sasha scrutinized the marked area. "There doesn't appear to be anything remarkable out that way, but it may be data that wasn't fully recorded." Moving it away, he let out a thoughtful hum and took a drag from his cigarette. "Clairvoyant deer... that would certainly explain the reports from the terrified explorers."

"Do you think they're protecting this place?" Raz asked. "Maybe there's something there they don't want us to find."

"Unfortunately for them, exploring this area is part of our mission." Stepping back up into a hover, Sasha began moving toward the east. "If there's something out there, it's our duty to make note of it."

Raz nodded, only for something to click in his head, and a smile crossed his face. "A psychic mystery!" Grinning, he broke into a run ahead of Sasha. "We're investigating a psychic mystery!"

"And also conducting survey work!" Sasha called after him, and Raz skidded to a halt with a groan.

The two continued in this new direction, occasionally looking at their survey devices. Though forced to move at a walking pace, excitement surged through Raz’s bones. This is the kind of stuff that gets into True Psychic Tales! If they don't publish the Whispering Rock thing, they'll have to publish this one!

"I suppose you're happy you got your wish, hm?"

"Uh!" Raz jumped, straightening his back and holding a hand over his head. He looked up at Sasha in alarm. "I-I didn't think you could read my mind?"

"No, but I can read that smile on your face quite easily," Sasha remarked with an amused smile of his own. "I'm glad you get to have a bit of excitement on your first survey mission."

Raz gave an embarrassed laugh. "Well, you know, all work is important work for a—" Sasha's words sank in, and his jaw dropped. "First?! You mean I'm gonna have to do more of these?!"

"Weren't you just saying that all work is important work for a Psychonaut?"

"Well, yeah... but is there at least any survey work where I can run around?"

Sasha shrugged. "I suppose you could take that up with Agents Zanotto or Forsythe later."

"Yeah, maybe." Sighing, Raz continued onward. "Well, at least we still have this psychic mystery to solve!"

"Indeed." Sasha resumed hovering alongside him. "I wouldn't get your hopes up too much, as it's possible it could merely be a predator the deer feared, or perhaps a larger concentration of psitanium that's too much for them to handle."

"Yeah, but what if it's not?" Raz pointed his finger upward. "It could be an anomaly, like you said before!"

"The clairvoyant deer you encountered was an anomaly in and of itself. But yes, it could be."

Grinning again, Raz looked down at the surveyor. "I don't think it's a larger concentration of psitanium, anyway. It looks like these things are detecting even lower levels of psitanium in this—"

The device's screen flickered and the bulb on its antennae flashed.

"Uhh..." Raz blinked. "Is it supposed to do that?"

Sasha's glasses narrowed as he stared down at his own survey device. "Strange..."

Curious, Raz crept forward, keeping an eye on the device as it continued to flicker. A few more steps forward, and it began to emit a quiet, garbled noise that sounded like a mix between static and beeping. "Sasha, I think something's—"

The device emitted a few loud, frantic beeps before the screen went dark and the bulb turned off. Raz flipped the switch on and off a few times, but nothing happened. Glancing over at Sasha, he found his device to be doing the same, flickering and beeping before shutting off.

"That should not have happened," Sasha murmured, staring at the now-dead device before him.

Raz turned the device around, skimming it for some form of instructions, but found nothing. "Well that's not good." Wincing, he TK'd the device back into his backpack and looked back at Sasha. "Did we fail the mission?" he asked in a small voice.

"Well..." Sasha TK'd his survey device into his backpack as well. "Otto may be able to save the data we gathered from one of our devices—though it will be an incomplete survey—and we did manage to mark the perimeter of this place."

"What do we do now?"

"Locate the cause of the disturbance." With that, Sasha continued forward. "It may have been something environmental."

Nodding, Raz started to follow Sasha, but paused. "...Hey, Sasha, since we're not surveying anymore..."

Sasha glanced back at him, then sighed. "Very well, Raz. You may run."

Raz brightened, bolting ahead of Sasha on a lev ball. "FINALLY!" he exclaimed, grateful for the rush of air that whipped past him as he barreled through the forest, moving into what appeared to be a much hillier area. "Now let's see what's—"

He'd barely gotten a few yards forward when he skidded to a stop, faced with something he hadn't expected. "Uhh... Sasha?"

A moment later, Sasha was at his side, and the two of them looked up at the massive cave entrance that yawned before them. Small psitanium crystals dotted the walls of it, but not enough to light the inside.

"I'll bet that disturbance came from somewhere in here!" Raz exclaimed, pointing a finger upward. "There isn't much psitanium out this way, but maybe there's a big psitanium rock in there that messed up the devices." Remembering the photo, he TK’d it out of his bag and compared it to the cave entrance. “The photo showed some pretty big crystals! The ones out here are small, but I bet they’re bigger deeper in the cave.”

Frowning, Sasha TK'd a flashlight out of his backpack, indicating for Raz to do the same. "Possibly, but let us be cautious nonetheless."

Raz pulled out his flashlight and followed Sasha into the cave, swinging his light this way and that and marveling at how the shadows moved. Most of the caves back at camp or at the quarry had some sort of lighting to keep them from being impossibly dark to navigate, so this was a new experience. Though aside from that, there wasn't much of interest here other than the tiny psitanium fragments that were scattered across the walls and seemed to thin out the further they went. Otherwise it was wide, chilly, and damp, with water dripping from the ceiling somewhere deeper within.

And what sounded like a distant rumble.

Raz stopped. "Did you hear that?"

"I did." Stopping as well, Sasha shone his flashlight further in, but the beam failed to illuminate anything out of the ordinary. "It could merely be things shifting within the cave... or an animal. Or perhaps a person."

"I hope it's not that last one." Raz shuddered.

"It's not likely," Sasha said, moving on. "We've received no reports of missing persons in this area."

It wasn't long until they reached a fork in the cave, one cavern being significantly smaller than the other. Raz examined the two paths before looking back up at Sasha. "Do you think we should split up here?"

"Splitting up is not an ideal strategy in this circumstance," Sasha remarked.

"Yeah, but do you really want to duck through this?" Raz stepped into the smaller fork. The ceiling was only half a foot over his head, and Sasha frowned.

"...No." Breathing out a sigh, Sasha shook his head. "Very well, but please keep in constant contact with me via telepathy. Let me know immediately if there is a problem, and I will do the same." He paused, then turned around, TKing a handful of psitanium fragments out of the wall and into a small pile on the ground between the two tunnels. "In case one of us has to turn around, this will mark the fork in the cave. It may be easy to miss otherwise when backtracking."

"Sounds good to me!" Grinning, Raz darted into the smaller tunnel, while Sasha took the larger. "I bet there's something cool down here!"

The tunnel led him downward, growing narrower and darker the further he went. No more psitanium crystals marked this place, and he placed a hand on his temple to make a note of that to Sasha.

Here as well, Sasha replied. The amount of psitanium has dwindled to nothing, at least on a surface level. There could be more, but we have no way of knowing without our surveyor devices.

Or a dowsing rod!

Ach, those things are a pain to use.

It's not too bad, unless you're doing it at night. I'm not a fan of getting set on fire. He paused. …Isn’t it kinda weird though?

No, not enjoying the sensation of being set ablaze is quite normal.

No, I mean, the photo showed really big crystals, but we’re not getting any more here.

Oh. Yes, that is strange. But it could be as you said, and that there are larger crystals deeper within the cavern.

That makes sense. They kept moving, Raz finding he had to duck as he explored further. This tunnel's just getting narrower. What's it like on your end?

Only slightly narrower in width, but no change otherwise.

That's too bad. It'd be neat to find money here. Raz grinned as he sensed the slight annoyance on Sasha's end. Okay, okay, sorry, couldn't resist. But we could find treasure down here!

Possibly, but I doubt it would be the cause of the interference.

Yeah, you're probably right. Feeling a twinge in his neck, Raz winced as he continued to duck in the narrow tunnel. Fortunately, it opened up a bit more a few feet later, and he let out a relieved sigh. Okay, got enough space here to stand again. How about you? He waited a moment, and when Sasha didn't reply, he sent out another message: Sasha?

Oh, sorry. I was focusing on... something.

That was weird. What did you find?

I'm not sure just yet. I can feel something up ahead, but...

Raz's eyebrows raised in interest. Really? I wonder if there's something further up on my end, too! For a moment he closed his eyes, trying to sense anything up ahead, but there was nothing he could hear or smell, or even sense telepathically. Man, I'm not getting anything. Can you give me any details on what you're getting on your end?

Silence.

Frowning, Raz sent a stronger signal. Sasha! Are you listening?

When Sasha answered, his mental voice was distant. I... yes, I am... …but... something... …is...

Something about the reply made Raz shudder. Is everything okay, Sasha? He waited for a few moments before sending out another urgent message: Sasha?!

Still no reply came, and Raz swung his flashlight around the enclosed space, whose walls seemed a lot closer than they had before. Unseen moisture dripped around him, and he swore he could hear a low groan in the depths of the cavern. Or was that just his mind playing tricks on him?

And then Sasha's reply came, somehow both deafening and eerily quiet at the same time, like a distant scream: Razputin, get out of here now!

What?! Raz's breathing picked up, quick and shallow. Sasha, what's going on?! What's wrong?

Though the reply was immediate this time, it was even more distant, only a handful of words making it out to him: —danger—leave—help...

The last word echoed in the silence.

No, Raz thought frantically, holding his head in his free hand. No, no. Sasha?! Sasha, answer me!

The thought never left his head. Their psychic connection had been severed, and Raz was alone in the cave.

His heart hammered in his chest, and without a second thought he spun around, running back the way he'd come. He moved so quickly that he nearly forgot to duck in the narrow portion of the tunnel, which would've put an end to their mission in an instant. Sasha, can you answer me? he called out again. The mental message went nowhere.

Heart now pounding in his throat, Raz kept running as fast as he could with the heavy backpack on his shoulders, only to skid to a stop at something that caught the corner of his eye: the small pile of psitanium that Sasha had placed on the ground to mark the fork in the cave. He turned around, now facing the tunnel Sasha had entered. "I'm coming, Sasha!" he called out, summoning a levitation ball and charging in. "I won't leave without you!"

Once again Raz swore he heard a groan somewhere in the depths of the cave. Swallowing down his anxiety, he willed himself to move faster.

As Sasha had stated, there wasn't much of interest here. The cave didn't immediately grow narrow in width—though the ceiling of the cave grew taller further in—and instances of psitanium grew fewer and farther between until they disappeared entirely. Yet the further he traveled, the harder it was to stay steady on his lev ball... but that was powered by positive thought, which he didn't have a whole lot of right now. Gritting his teeth, he dismissed the lev ball and charged on foot.

To his surprise, he spotted something farther down the tunnel—something... glowing? But what could be glowing in this—

Raz gasped. Sasha's flashlight!

"Sasha!" he called, willing himself to run faster. Yet the further he got, the more dazed and lightheaded he felt. It's... it's just anxiety, Raz told himself, smacking the side of his face. Keep it together! Sasha's in danger!

The light up ahead was growing larger, and brighter, and his vision swam just trying to look at it. A heavy stone formed in the pit of his stomach. Was this how Compton felt before he started to manage his anxiety better? "H-hang on, Sasha...!"

The light grew brighter, and it felt like an age before Raz realized he was no longer running. It was getting harder to walk, almost like he was trudging through a swamp. Though he still felt lightheaded, his thoughts were clear. What's going on...? This... can't be right. Our flashlights aren't that bright.

Remembering he was holding his own, he looked down at it, then at where it shone, only to give a jolt when he realized that while it was on, its beam was not lighting the cave. Instead it was the brightness ahead, bathing the walls of the cave in an unearthly yellow glow.

Wait—yellow?

Recognition shot through Raz's mind like a psi-blast, and the sheer horror of it allowed him to regain control of his senses. He picked up the pace again, charging headlong through the cavern.

It wasn't a flashlight. It was psilirium.

Some of the crystals were jutting out of the walls up ahead, as the psitanium had, but these were larger, and growing moreso deeper into the cave.

"Sasha! Sasha!" he called, only for another low rumble to answer him, and the wicked yellow light grew ever brighter.

Raz willed his legs to move faster, but his foot caught on something and sent him crashing forward, his flashlight clattering on the ground. "Agh!" he cried out, sprawling on the cave floor. Shooting an angry glance over his shoulder, he was about to vent his frustration on the rock he'd tripped over, only for the words to die on his tongue.

His foot was resting against a large camping backpack. Slowly, he turned his gaze, and found a tall, thin figure crumpled on the ground a few feet away. He might have looked sickly, but it was hard to tell in the harsh yellow light. What was apparent though was the blood dripping from a wound on his forehead, corresponding with a smear of blood on the floor—he'd hit his head when he'd fallen.

"...Sasha?" he gasped. Shakily he crawled on all fours up to the figure, grabbing him by the shoulder and shaking him. "Sasha, answer me!"

A weak groan escaped his throat, and nothing more.

"Please, please!" Raz cried, shaking him harder. When his senior agent failed to answer, he tried to summon a TK hand, only for his vision to swim and his nausea to spike. He shut his eyes, willing the nausea to stop. "I-I can't carry you, Sasha, you have to wake up!"

The cave rumbled around them, and Raz looked up, noticing that the psilirium crystals felt a lot closer than before.

"I-I think this place is caving in!" In desperation, he put his hands under Sasha's shoulders and stood up. "I've gotta get you—"

The cave groaned, and Raz raised his head.

A deer skull, one of its antlers broken off, grinned at him in the over-brightness of the psilirium in the distance. All at once Raz realized this part of the cave was scattered with bones.

And the crystals moved.

The hairs stood on the back of Raz's neck, and he looked slightly to the side.

Due to the bright, burning glow of the psilirium around him, he’d failed to notice until now the four large pillars of something—white stone of some kind, he thought, rather than the dark black and brown of the cave, shining golden in the light, psitanium crystals jutting out of them. Yet parts of them were covered in soft brown patches as well? One of the pillars shifted closer, and at the base of it were two large black stones—no, not stones, two halves of a hoof—with yellow crystals growing between them. Following the pillar upward, Raz found it connected to something else also covered in... brown... patches...

Two bright yellow somethings stared down at him. For a fleeting moment he hoped they were more crystals, and that his eyes were playing tricks on him.

A mouth below the lights opened, and an earth-shaking bellow erupted from its throat, which glowed a hellish shade of gold.

With a scream, Raz staggered backward, somehow managing to keep a grip on Sasha's limp body. He dragged him backward, his gaze still trained on whatever was looming over them. Its barrel-shaped chest heaved around the psilirium crystals that jutted from it, and slowly its long head tilted, resulting in a hideous scraping noise across the walls of the cavern. Off to either side of its head were enormous antlers, also merged with psilirium crystals.

A... deer? No—a moose. A giant moose, somehow bigger than the elephants Raz would see in other traveling circuses, somehow fused with psilirium crystals. Some parts of its flesh had fallen away, leaving exposed muscle and bone, particularly close to the crystals.

Once again the moose opened its mouth wide, wide, straining at the flesh holding its jaws together and letting out a bellow that pitched upward into an echoing scream. It took a step forward, its crystal-encrusted hoofs shaking the ground and its antlers scraping against the walls.

"G-go away!" Raz cried, still fighting to drag Sasha backward. Out of habit he put his hand to is temple and tried to fire a psi-blast at the monstrosity, only to stagger as another wave of nausea hit him full-force, his vision swimming. "Rrrrghhh...!"

The moose tilted its head further, angling its antlers so they were less impeded by the cavern walls. Its jaw hung at an unnatural angle with the tilt of its head. With a deep bellow, it took another step forward. Then another.

Raz strained to move faster, but it was already getting hard to carry Sasha without being able to use TK. His entire body shuddered when he realized he wouldn't be able to use TK at all so long as he was anywhere near this thing. "Oh gosh...!" he gasped, voice hitching. "Sasha, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked for a more exciting mission, or dangerous animals or—"

The moose let out another ear-splitting shriek.

Raz's vision blurred, and he grit his teeth, heaving Sasha's unconscious body backward a few more feet. It was surreal to think that mere minutes ago, they'd been on a harmless survey mission, and now he was facing down his own death. "I wish we were just back out in the forest, counting rocks and setting up a tent and—"

Gasping, he dropped his bag from his shoulders and rifled through it, his hands fumbling with the broken survey device and other obstacles before he found it: a ball-shaped object. "This better work, Otto!"

Raz clumsily turned the sphere in his hands before he spotted a button, which he jabbed with his thumb. The device sprang from his hands, spreading out in a semi-circle shape in front of him and Sasha and emitting a faint purple light over itself.

One of the moose's hooves jabbed at it. The forcefield flashed, and the moose let out an enraged roar.

Grabbing Sasha again, Raz continued moving backwards, faster without the camping bag weighing him down. Before him, the moose grunted and frothed and roared as it kicked and butted against the forcefield, which flickered more and more with every blow. "Come on, come on...!" Raz grunted, glancing down at the unconscious form in his arms. "Please, Sasha, you have to wake up, I-I can't keep carrying you...!"

The moose reared up on its hind legs, its front hooves slamming into the shield.

CRACK.

The shield shattered, and the moose charged.

"No!" Raz screamed, turning around and gripping the shoulders of Sasha's coat behind him as he broke into a run. "No, no, no!" His vision was too blurred from tears and psilirium sickness to tell him just where in the cave he was, but he prayed he was close to the entrance. But just how was he going to outrun this thing in the open forest…?

The stomping of the monster's hooves against dirt and stone grew closer, the glow from the crystal infection dancing off the cave walls.

Suddenly, the entire cave seemed to lurch as a tremendous crash filled the air, and Raz screamed, barely managing to keep on his feet as he charged full-tilt away from the noise. Hearing a terrible groaning somewhere behind him but no further noises of being chased, Raz turned to see the moose staring at him, its head lowered and its antlers jammed against the walls of the cave, now too narrow and low for it to proceed. A laugh bubbled out of his throat, high-pitched and terrified, and it continued as he charged onward, dragging the still-unconscious Sasha behind.

It took a moment before he realized the purple lights dotting the walls and ceiling had given way to stars lighting the sky overhead.

Raz gasped in the cool night air, finally releasing Sasha and sinking to his knees. Crickets chirped around him, and a bird called in the distance. Wind rustled the hair that stuck out from his helmet and stung at his cheeks.

"Sasha?" he whispered, turning around and grasping Sasha's shoulder again. The senior agent's clothing was covered in dirt, and beyond the cut Raz had already seen, what little exposed skin he had bore scratches and bruises. "Sasha, please wake up, I'm s-sorry, I..."

Tears dripped down Raz's cheeks, and he covered his face in his hands.

Something stirred at his side.

Gasping, Raz looked up to find Sasha easing himself into an upright position with a groan. "Sasha!" he cried. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew this was not professional Psychonaut behavior, but he couldn't help himself, and he threw himself into Sasha, wrapping his arms around him. The older agent groaned, but did not protest otherwise. "I-I'm glad you're okay...! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have wished everything would get more exciting, I should've just been happy about the boring mission, I—"

Sasha wordlessly wrapped an arm around him, and he went silent. With his other free hand, Sasha massaged his forehead for a moment, then drew his hand away, only to give a start at seeing his glove covered with his own blood. Breathing out a sharp sigh, he unhooked a radio attached to his belt and turned it on with a crackle. "It's all right, Razputin," he murmured, turning the radio to its proper signal. "We're getting out of here."

Once the helicopter pilot had been sent for, the two of them sat in silence, only broken by a quiet hiss from Sasha as he felt the cut on his forehead again. Raz winced. "I-I should use some first aid on that cut, but our backpacks are in the cave with... that thing."

Sasha leaned back, but did not release Raz. "You got us out of there with our lives. A few wounds is a small price to pay for that."

Feeling the senior agent's gaze upon him, Raz looked up.

"...I would be dead, if not for you and your psilirium resistance."

The words crashed through Raz, dragging him back down to the ground with them. This wasn't like exploring a mental world, where the worst that could happen was getting kicked out of someone's mind—this was the real world, where the worst that could happen was...

"Thank you, Razputin."

The concept of one of his heroes praising him would have normally left him over the moon. But now Raz could only nod silently before staring out into the vast wilderness, numbly awaiting their rescue.

#razputin aquato #sasha nein #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #bad things happen bingo #my art #my writing #fanfic

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