#verbal processing issues

[lenniershairlessredacted]

even though my listening has improved by bounds since I got here, I still p regularly have the experience of delayed comprehension when people talk to me unexpectedly in public. e.g. I was doing a costco run before the lunar new year weekend (side note: ugh ugh ugh ugh), and a staff member in the crowded aisles looked at my cart and pointed at my pack of bagels and said what I initially understood as "that thing *unintelligible*. quickly now!" and I continued pushing through the aisles in a vague state of ??? for another 20 seconds before I was like Oh! she said it's buy one get one free! and then went back to grab another bag of bagels. which did indeed have a sign somewhere above them that I'd missed that read 買一送一

#see also the distressing experience of doing a listening test. being sure you didn't catch any of the dialog we're supposed to be tracking #but then being able to accurately answer questions about the recording anyway. like it's cool my brain is getting things in the background #but please share with the rest of the class (i.e. me)?????? #words are hard #languages #verbal processing issues

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

🐈

For a hot second I forgot about the intimidation ranking meme and thought you just sent me a kitty which was honestly a pretty nice thing to find in my inbox! As for being moderately intimidating, I can kinda see how that might be. I do my best not to be mean, because there is enough of that on the internet and we don't need more, but I've also been told I can come across as (very unintentionally!!) condescending and/or weirdly formal in text-based communication, which is hilarious given that I am, in person, not particularly eloquent, fluid in speech, or physically imposing ^^;

#slightly too long awkward pauses mid-sentence bc of a combo of brain fog verbal processing issues and trauma hell yeah #it's way less noticeable in text but WOW in person it can be weird

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

fellow autistic folks &/or ADHD folks &/or auDHD folks with sensory issues, & anyone else with sensory issues. y’all may relate & may feel validated by.

have been experiencing heightened sensitivity & sensory pain (sensory issues) *for a week or so now*. not going away with sleep like usually does. sticks around. makes brain fuzzy or mushy or hurting.

depression, also not going away with sleep (or meds (as much)) as usually does. makes body feel heavy and brain foggy.

have slept a lot past few days to no avail. still exhausted. not feeling better.

still overstimmed. “aggressive”/frustrated response every time any sensory is painful. trying to manage because have kitty and don't wanna upset her with reactivity to sensory pain.

went to therapy on Monday. therapist says “oh, you're in burnout.”

was supposed to work fast food job. liked job, very gender, team kinder than used to. but not able to function unless allowed music, & have to get official accommodation to allow. (currently battling with their HR/disability analyst but hopes not high), because too many overlapping sensory pains (audio (timers, sizzling grill, bubbling stovetop, etc.), burns, etc.).

was unemployed for 4 months before ^, so desperate need for money. but disability doesn't pay enough to live on, & probably will get told “not disabled enough”.

have to try to apply for food stamps, but have been forgetting to go to in person appt every time apply, because am in burnout (PTSD + tism burnout won't allow phone call), so gonna attempt to apply in person or attempt do interview same day. exhausted at thought of.

typed words failing. grammar failed. spoken words dead, even echoes.

stress building. anxiety boiling stomach acid. brain spinny.

i wish people took burnout more seriously. i also wish people took nonverbal / non-speaking & minimally verbal (situational mutism or minimal verbal autism or other i don't know) people seriously & believed when express (sign language, mouthed words, vague signals, or limited words) that *can't* use words (not don't want to, not disrespect, not ignoring, actually cannot).

¿feeling disabled by my own disabilities? a tragedy. never could've seen this coming. (/trying to lighten the mood; a lil sarcastic, a lil lighthearted)

also getting emotional flashbacks (yay complex PTSD) to invalidation and ableism from other points & people in life (especially DNA losers (“parents”)). making feel worse.

i wish didn't feel. that was gonna go somewhere but train of thought died & still kinda relate. i wish didn't have to feel like this, to say better.

if you relate, i see you & i hurt with you. & i hope it gets better/easier.

~Nico

#~Nico #he/they #actually adhd #neurodivergent #actually autistic #minimally verbal #semi nonverbal #semi non-speaking #anxious #autistic #burnout #autistic burnout #sensory processing disorder #sensory issues #sensory processing issues #sensory problems #sensory pain #sensory ouchies #ableism

[simplydnp]

just woke up and now I'm also rewatching dilm, what a great way to start the day

also, something I realised just yesterday, the dan mumbling in public thing wasn't really new lore, he made a video about this like a decade ago but it's fun to see that it's still true and that phil speaks up for him

https://youtu.be/LcXaD9TjGYw

a great video to rewatch excellent choice!

ah yes! the framing it as a frequency/tone issue is what made the information drop feel new, but alas, dan has been struggling with this for a while ✌️😔

#it's funny because i also have the frequency issue but combine that with clinical hearing issues *and* adhd auditory processing issues #and verbal communication with char is just a challenge 🤣 #thank u anon!! #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #answered

[monstermoviedean]

running into a bizarre tension at work between "white heteronormative patriarchal capitalism demands you be emotionless in the workplace" (true) and "to solve this you must be authentically emotional and ready to receive others' authentic emotions at all times" which is about half a mile too far in the opposite direction for me

#do you know how many meetings I had about other people's feelings today? five. #and those were regularly scheduled meetings not like some kind of emergency emotional crisis #i know some people i work with are aware of this and argue for bringing as much of yourself as you want #while making it safe and welcoming for everyone else to bring as much of themselves as they want #but it feels like an impossible balance #and some days i just want to do my spreadsheets #there's a whole other issue at play in terms of verbal processing extroverts and internally processing introverts #but that's another complaint for another day

[daydreamerdrew]

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #246

#I actually really appreciate this guy’s consideration for why the Hulk distrust words #it’s been written in the past in a way that suggests that sometimes the Hulk finds processing information in words really difficult #to the point where it could be almost painful for him #and so even someone saying the right words to him wouldn’t help because that words are being spoken at all is overwhelming #and there could also be a sensory issue component to that #I think the novelization of the 2008 Hulk movie had a really interesting approach to this #where the was a scene where Betty was saying all of the right words to try to comfort and calm the Hulk down #which was followed up by the Hulk’s perspective where he could understand the tone of her voice and so her overall positive intention #but it was just so hard for him to focus to be able to actually make out what she was saying and the meaning of the words #which ties into that take on the Hulk as being this panicked response that really isn’t built for anything outside of that context #but it’s also notable how portrayals of the Hulk that are more verbal have him as this very straightforward character #he doesn’t lie or deceive people and he’s blunt in a socially unaware way where he’s actually often pretty rude #and you will have these scenes where the Hulk is just like stop I don’t want to fight #and the people attacking him are like ahh it’s a monster as though they can’t hear him #part of the tragedy of this character is that he’s not always great at communicating but when he is it doesn’t matter #so I like the idea that words are also not an ideal way to communicate with the Hulk because while he’s able to be direct #he doesn’t really have the skills to navigate that other people aren’t always blunt and truthful like he is #what I like about this character is these kinds of divisions #he’s got lots of problems and having issues with verbal communication is just one of them but then there’s lots of ways to play that issue #and they’re not necessarily contradictory and so can be played together #marvel #bruce banner #my posts #comic panels

[larrythefloridaman]

maybe J0hn for the character bingo? owo

love this man ive been attached to him since he first showed up <3 dont have too much new i can think of to say about him though

#the 'literally me' one is only filled in because the discord kin-assigned me j0hn #and because i look at his issues with empathy and how he likes the company of unhinged people and go Same Hat #that said i still think its so funny that people in-universe seem to think he's nicer/more normal than larry #we warned him abt prism and what does he do? immediately seek her out. let her vent to him. and then left to talk shit abt her with us asap #hell outside the nccts he didnt even apologize for the sephiroth incident. he asked the guy he almost got killed to call his girlfriend #to sub in for the guy that tried to kill him. and then larry apologized on behalf of both of them the next episode. #larry's mean but hes nice and j0hn is nice but he's mean. you go to an appointment with them and larry's playfully antagonizing you #but then you leave and larry's like 'love that guy.' bc he was trying to make you laugh #and j0hn's like 'most annoying motherfucker.' because he was being professional and fast bc he was trying to get you to leave faster. #but i do think if we got to know whats going on in his head more directly #there'd be a bit of the phoenix wright effect. he's so nice. but if you heard his inner monologue #you'd hear every bitchy little comment he thinks about everyone every day that he just doesnt verbalize because he Chooses To Be Nice #until someone gives him good reason to be mean at which point the snippiness comes out see: orange intros #where crimson makes one (1) snide comment about his relationship and j0hn totally changes his tone with him #j0hn voice 'if anyone is mean about/to my clown the cyberbullying begins i dont care if you're god' #also larry has more of a self-preservation instinct than j0hn. larry gets a gun pointed at him and says 'hey HEY lets be reasonable here' #and j0hn says 'do it pussy you won't' and completely bluffs his way around it while making you feel like an idiot in the process #because he noticed you like. loaded the bullets wrong or some shit so the gun wont fucking work anyway #note: his kindness is real i just think his willingness and joy in being a lil mean sometimes is fun and interesting #larry abt peppermint: 'eh she not the most girl ive ever met' #j0hn: pitbull snarling sfx blasted through body speakers

[hunterinabrowncoat]

I’m so tired.

These past few days I’ve been so angry and despondant and depressed. But now I’m just... so desperately sad. It hurts. All I want is to be treated with kindness and tenderness.

Last year my partner and best friend for many years dumped me for someone else, a mutual friend at the time. And I bent over backwards to accomodate both of them and be as kind as I was able to be. I agreed to let her live with us because living with her mum was bad for her mental health. She was volatile and abusive to my ex and constantly self-harming and attempting suicide which was deeply triggering. Still, I did everything I could to help and if I ever felt like I couldn’t be kind to her, I’d leave and come back when I was feeling more generous.

I asked my ex to move out. When they still hadn’t found a place, months later, I asked him to lower his standards and start looking at houseshares because it was so bad for my wellbeing to have them both here.

Eventually her behaviour got so bad I couldn’t do it anymore and I put my foot down and kicked her out. The one boundary I had ever asserted throughout this whole shitshow, and my ex asked me not to. When I refused he said I was being cruel.

He moved out with her to his mum’s. I said they could come back to stay occasionally overnight if they were seeing friends in Cardiff. Soon that became them turning up unannounced, often in the early hours of the morning, every other week, almost always shouting at each other. When I told him it wasn’t acceptable, he didn’t see the issue and objected to her not being allowed in the house.

Neither of them believed me when I said others also didn’t want her there and it wasn’t until others confirmed this that they actually took it seriously. My wellbeing didn’t matter to either of them. My inability to cope with her being in the hosue was irrelevant, because he wanted to be able to come back and bring her with him whenever he wanted.

Recently he took our cat, who I’ve been looking after since the breakup (long before he moved out) for a week. Then he announced he was keeping the cat for another week. He told me he’s keeping the cat and we’re approaching three weeks and there’s no sign he’s ever going to give him back. He’s not replied to my messages (which he almost never does anyway).

I’m just so tired. I was so angry but now I’m just... hurt. I tried. I really tried to be kind and empathetic throughout all this. I really tried to see the Holy in everyone, even those who are hurting me. I really tried to hold space for other people’s pain even though I was suicidal myself. Even though, at every opportunity, it was made clear to me that my wellbeing was never a priority for my ex, I tried to still be polite and compassionate.

Still, he somehow feels jaded and wronged by me. Still, he’s acting as though I’m being unreasonable for wanting to keep the cat I’ve cared for almost single-handedly for over a year.

I just want to be treated with some compassion and tenderness. Is that too much to ask?

#even if he'd left me for someone who was wonderful it would be hurtful enough #but i treated him with so much patience and kindness #i never shouted at him. ever. #every time i was angry #i'd take time to calm down and process until i was ready to calmly and compassionately talk through why i was upset #i had so much patience #even when he'd shout and throw things or slam things when he was stressed #i encouraged him - i BEGGED him to go to therapy #i saved up money for him to go to therapy so the cost wasn't an issue #(he gave it to her) #she yells at him over the tiniest things #she treats him like dirt #she told him it was his fault when she tried to kill herself #she told him to sit on the floor instead of the chair #she expects him to wait on her hand and foot #she demands things of him instead of asking in kindness #he asked me to talk to her when she was being verbally abusive to him because he knew she wouldn't hear it if he voiced any objection #and tha'ts what he left me for? #that's what he wants? #personal #ignore me #text post

[perenlop]

xmx

#god book binding is satisfying at the end but the class itself is so stressful #it’s structured so that for the first 30-45 minutes we have to stand up and watch her demo and there are sooooooo many steps #and its all verbal bc she kinda deviates from the textbook and i cannot process vocal direction at all #so when i need help she’ll do it but she’ll say that i dont listen and i need to stop being distracted #but the issue is that i need textual instruction not that i dont listen. i try and i cant do it #especially if we don’t physically follow along (which we cant do bc we have to stand to watch her demo) #echoed voice

[substitious-bastard]

Me as a superhero

*Villain Monologuing*

Me: ‘Ah shit sorry sorry could you repeat that? A bomb went off, sorry, just go from ‘and as I finally’ sorry I’ll shut up now, your doing great. Well not- you get it. Sorry’

#someone trying to communicate with me during a fight like #it’s just the verbal equivalent of a keyboard smash #oh STEAL the key you ment STEAL it #yeah no I destroyed it #sorry bout that #auditory processing issues #so slaying #undiagnosed adhd #adhd post

[homunculus-argument]

Okay I get that the toxic positivity way I was raised is bad and venting about things is good and healthy but there's a grim sort of hilarity in the complete miscommunciation between how my boyfriend and his family process complaining and how I was raised to do it. Because I was raised with the attitude that if you've got a problem, you either do something about it if you can, or focus on things you can control if it's something you can't change. And the way he was raised, simply complaining about things because they worry you is just what you do to process things, venting to make yourself feel better.

So when he brings up something that bothers him, and I ask him what he thinks we should be doing about that, it's a baffling question to him. To him, verbally stating that Life Is Just Bad Sometimes is a neutral thing and not a prompt to start coming up with how to solve this issue. And my brain just fucking short-circuits right there.

So when he's just stating out loud that things just be like that sometimes, what I'm hearing is "life is intrinsically, ontologically bad in a way that cannot be in any way improved, endured, nor ignored, and there is no hope of it ever being any other way." And like a solution-seeking missile, my singular brain cell jumps into the next passably logical solution and goes

"So are you suggesting we should do double-suicide?"

[harmoonix]

╔═══❖•ೋ ೋ•❖═══╗

Iconic Astrology Notes Part II

⊰᯽⊱┈──╌❊╌──┈⊰᯽⊱

✵ - The ascendant in your ascendant persona chart shows how you are inside, how you act more Inside while your natal ascendant shows how you are on the outside ( it works for me so much🌃)

✵ - Eris asteroid (136199) aspecting ascendant SHOWS big power for standing up for yourself, no one can tell you what to do honestly

✵ - Also Eris asteroid aspecting the Venus cannot stand when someone messes up with their partners, like they are top biggest defenders of their lovers

✵ - Eris aspecting Mercury can tend to cuss people off and to end them with words because they can really be aggresive verbally, like starting a fight with them is like being in the middle of a hurricane

✵ - Eris aspecting Moon can have chaotic feelings and feel multiple things at once but these aspects are also very strong for defending what they love and what they want to achieve

✵ - Lilith aspecting Moon can be intense, especially if you have mommy issues but is more than that, this is powerful, you are able to control your feelings very well and to manage to not show your emotions

✵ - Lilith - Mars aspects are soo good at attracting the opposite sex to them, especially if you are attracted to men with this aspect you drain them into you

✵ - Have you ever been to a party with someone who has a Sagittarius or Leo Moon? Or someone who has Moon in the 5th or 9th house? These people really know how to party like, partying and their socializing time is everything "If you see us on the floor you'll be watching all night"

✵ - Saturn/Venus/Sun or Moon in the 7th house = GURL you know you're getting the hottest thing called spouse ever on this earth right??

✵ - Sun aspecting Chiron be like "People will never feel how I feel and will never understand what I feel and why I feel some things,I guess i have to not tell my pain to anyone" - They are def some of the strongest people born

✵ - Ascendant sextile/trine/conjunct Pluto are too iconic for this world to have, so many celebrities have these in their birthcharts

✵ - Nobody but nobody ever can tell someone with Libra or Leo Rising that they look bad because they will embarras themselves, like you tell the beauty icon that they look bad? BFR

✵ - Aquarius Placements wil always be the definition of uniqueness in your birth chart and shows what makes you unique, they aret the salvation

✵ - Aquarius Risings are rare at personality. Notice how is always something unique with the celebrities who have this specific rising sign? They are natural rarities and people don't appreciate them enough

✵ - Capricorn Risings have the same effect because of their authenticity. They keep it authentic and creative, do not be afraid to show your true colors to people

✵ - Gemini/Virgo Risings look more young than they actually are, this thing can make them more attractive because it will be hard to guess your age. Also don't tell your age let people guess your age for more mystery

✵ - Sagittarius Risingsss and their appealllll like gurlll you are magnetic, your ruler Jupiter grants you luck for your whole life since your birth and until your death you have luck written in stars, I love ittt

✵ - I should give a raise to Moon - Pluto aspects for being so misterious and hypnotizing, they are like a shadow who follows around but you never know where it is, also their eyes are extremely beautiful

✵ - Sagittarius Placements are so Iconic for being this honest,I mean you don't want honesty in your life and you choose to be Delulu? Good, always be friends with Sagittarius Placements cause they will spill the tea

✵ - Capricorn Sun/Rising/Moon and the dark femme fatale aesthetic fits so good together like gurlll, black is definitely theirs, they dominate when they wear black (Even Saturn approves)

✵ - Get yourself a bestie with Leo placements so you can talk hours about fashion and gloss, trust the process they have so many good points

✵ - Asteroid Sirene (1009) in Gemini/Virgo will use their enchanting voice to charm the people they want to attract, the native has such an enchanting voice

✵ - Asteroid Sirene (1009) in Scorpio/Cancer/Pisces and GURLLL you really give off Sirene vibes, your eyes, your appearance are enchanting (I imagine them being Vanessa from the little mermaid)

✵ - Juno sextile/trine/conjunct Midheaven and the way they will show off to everyone what a lovely relationship they have will be EPIC, these people have the relationship everyone dreams

✵ - Juno at 5°, 17°, 29° degrees.. Who's gonna tell her?? HOW iconic your spouse can be?? LIKE they will be there for everything at the right moment

✵ - Lilith aspecting Mars (all aspects) often can find the men to be more attracted to them, like a magnet, even the men you don't want to have around you

✵ - Ascendant aspecting Venus (all aspects) are extremely pretty, they are all blessed by Venus in different ways to express their beautiful nature and their gifts

✵ - Hurting someone with heavy Capricorn/Aquarius placements = Karma coming for you when you don't expect it, is like something that never stops until you acknowledge you hurt these people

✵ - Venus at 10°,11°, 22°, 23° degrees can get vey good looking spouses, also mature aswell and veryyy serious about their relationships, they are the type of people " We don't break up we fix it together" (Saturn rules these degrees)

✵ - For those interested in men...Jupiter at 5°, 17°, or 29° degrees can have the same effect, meeting that partner who is extremely hot and smart in the same time, (they will have a good personality)

✵ - Scorpio Sun/Moon/Rising and their mystery is something else, they are remarcabile at hiding secrets and they are extremely loyal to their lovers

✵- Lilith or True Lilith in Leo/Libra/Scorpio/Aquarius are so mesmerizing , when you encounter them you be have this energy of wanting to talk with them and make a contact

✵ - Venus aspecting Mercury, CAN I tell how iconic your voice is??? Everyone is always so impressed by your voice and the way you talk is so gracious

✵ - Venus in Capricorn/Taurus/Virgo and LET IT flow with money, Venus is these signs feels like a "Material Girl" they are having money, style, everything

✵ - Lilith or True Lilith in the 7th house and their mesmerizing power to attract people is INSANE, I tell you is insane how many people can be interested in them

✵ - Air Moons and their style in music is everything, music is bounded to them fr. Highly artisans natives, they can even be good compositors at making and writing music

✵ - Juno at Pisces Degrees (12°, 24°) will most likely meet their true soulmate in this life and create a bound with them. Is written in your destiny and these degrees confirm it

✵ - North Node in 7th house in your Chiron Persona Chart indicates your destiny in order to heal is to have an healthy relationship and an healthy partner

⊰᯽⊱┈──╌❊╌──┈⊰᯽⊱

✨ ICONIC placements post for y'all 😍🤞🏼 enjoyyyy ✨

💥💋 Everyone is iconic in different ways but with same knowledge 💋💥

💥💋 I hope you all have a good day full of good moments with the people you love 💋💥

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

With love, Harmoonix 💋

#astrology #astro observations #birth chart #astrology observations #astro notes #placements #astro community #horoscope #ascendant #venus #astrolog #astro tumblr #astro fyp #fyp tumblr #fyp2023 #astrology fyp #Tumblr #aesthetic #zodiac #zodiac signs #icon #iconic signs #iconic placement #asteroid observations #eris asteroid #eris asteroid in birth chart #eris #lover #dark aesthetic #red

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

vent

i mean oh wow it's like she wants me to kill myself

all of this because i botched my hair and defended the fact that i ended up botching my hair and keeping it

heyy guys if i end up not posting for like. two months please kindly assume im dead lmfao

pfft i should probably screen shot some of the things she said in messenger dms when she isn't watching the screen just as proof that she said it

#edit tags glitched this was more cohesive and as well as properly formatted earlier folks so sorry about that it you do end up reading #ALL BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY BOTCHED MY HAIRCUT #she adds this to her list of me having a bandetta against hair because she complimented my hair and sometime later i cut it short #when one i didn't even hear that (<-auditory processing issues) and two even if i did i didn't mean to botch it #(didn't even did that to spite her was just thought it was too long and messed up my cut but sure as hell thinking of shaving it now) #also i noticed that she thinks that the world is out to get her inherently it's infuriating and depressing #and she's hurt too many people cause of it #and you can say and argue that it's a me specific thing if she didn't assume that with anyone else too #like. man. she needs to fucking go to therapy or else she has a big chancs of loterally killing me lol #thank fuck i got a handle on my anxiety before i turned into That i mean dear god #mann if this is how she reacts to a bad haircut cause her reputation was at stake apperantly (girlie cares Too Much on what idiots think #enough to verbally abuse bully hit more more times and threathen to hit me if i ever botch a haircut again apperantly.) #how am i going to get into a gay and in love relationship now :(( /j i will just won't tell her. #i will marry someone with my family just thinking we're friends if i have to. pull a byoonei even. #breaking news person who calls my aunt sensitive gets this offended over a bad hair cut #she also took my cutting blade too but hey it was getting dull anyways #ello this is a cry for help actually #there is a nice big cold ocean to jump in just two streets down from where i live and i can easily get out of here with two keys #tell me who i am guess i dont have a choice all because i cut my hair #oh if i ever get in a gay relationship i am not telling that woman #she's going to call me selfish for putting my happiness over the family's (read her) reputation #she would honestly put what idiots think of her over her own kids happiness lmfao #like. she's telling me to go attend parent teacher conferences and buy my own stuff because im ''so grown up nowyo there's a vent in the ta #parents

[occamstfs]

Coast Guard Compensation

Here's another military TF, delinquent disrespects the Coast Guard and finds definitely sub-standard civilian processing -Occam

Marcus was being issued a simple ticket for drinking while driving a boat. That would’ve been the end of it if he had just shut his mouth. Unfortunately his brother was not quick enough to prevent him from tearing into the officer. Before he even begins to return to his boat Marcus is shouting at the officer swearing that he shouldn’t even have the authority to issue tickets. That he knows better than some doofus elinstee. He tosses the ticket into the sea as he continues to shout, “this is just bullshit dude! You’re just taking it out on us to feel like a man huh? Couldn’t even do well enough in boot camp to make the Army so you’ll make it all our problem!”

Ensign Harrison’s eyes followed the litter as it blew into the ocean before returning to the still shouting man. Harrison’ smirks as he approaches Marcus who despite being at least a foot shorter continues on his tirade. Jacob has seen his brother get this fired up before but nothing like this. He could only gawk as brother continued to shout vitriol as the officer approached to tower over him, Jacob could not even think to move or intervene. 

Harrison lifts Marcus by the collar and simply states, “on top of driving while intoxicated you have also littered into the fine blue sea, and verbally assaulted an officer. Under the authority invested in me by the US Coast Guard I am going to take you back to the station.” Marcus rolls his eyes and opens his mouth to retort but is tossed like a sandbag into the USCG boat. The Ensign briefly scowls at Jacob, who despite being sure this is not appropriate, can not bring himself to take any action against the man who is by all intents kidnapping his brother. 

Having established his dominance he returns to his boat to accost the problem at hand. He speeds away in his boat hearing nothing but the boat cutting through the wind and crashing through the waves. The toss seems to have knocked Marcus unconscious, to the sick pleasure of the man driving the boat. Though as they near shore, he comes to and begins anew the derision of his captor. He groans out a “you fuckin’ glorified beach cop…” To which Harrison just smirks in retort, grabbing the only barely conscious Marcus into his patrol car and starts driving back to the station.

He stares at Marcus in the rearview mirror and once he sees the glimmer of conscious return he finally offers a reply, “you don’t know what yer talkin’ about kid.” Marcus squints his eyes at the officer driving his car, knowing something weird was occurring. Something so far out of his hands was happening to him and he needed to use everything in his power to have some curve on the ball. The dick in front of him was arresting him against his will and he was not going to go down without a fight. He is going to use the only weapon afforded to him and use his mouth.

“Really, you must’ve done pretty bad to flunk out of the naval academy right? Their best guys are absolute dullards and you didn’t even make it to step one I bet.” Ensign Harrison’s scowl grows deeper as he pulls the car over. Marcus, refusing to let the chance slip by, turns it up even more. If he can get Harrison to open his door he just needs to bolt. “Oooh scary, bet you feel like a big guy huh! You got a five foot flat guy ten years younger than you in your backseat. I bet you’re just fantasizing about what you can do to me, you fashy pig! You fuckin-” Harrison clears his throat interrupting as Marcus sees veins start to bulge out of his neck and his eyes darken in the rear view mirror. He starts the car going once more and says, “think it’s best if you apologize kid. Ain’t nuthin’ good gonna come out of you talkin’ shit.”

Marcus scrambles to think what his next move should be. Obviously, fashy pig he may be, but Harrison was correct in that the only rational thing to do would be apologize. Harrison even wants to, but any time he even starts to open his mouth to do so his entire throat goes dry and his head burns hot. It distracts him. It angers him. He was going to? What was he? No, he certainly wasn’t going to apologize. To the asshole who ruined his fishing trip, absolutely not.

Harrison’s eyes continue to glower as he exits the car to retrieve Marcus, who in turn observes everything he can about the Coast Guard Station before he’s pulled out. Seeing cameras he starts to hatch a plan before he hears the door slam open and the thought of Harrison disrespecting their equipment is suddenly the only thing in his mind. Jesus that oaf, he’s making them look like even more of a joke than they are. Harrison’s face burns red as he reads nothing but a look of derision in response to this blatant attempt at intimidation.

Marcus quickly tries to escalate, taunting the trooper, “we’re on camera now fash! What’re you gonna do huh, hope you’re ready to-“ He was cut off as a hand is quickly thrust on his neck, a move he was all too familiar with, though he would vastly prefer to be on the other side. He struggles out a performative moan as the hand grows tighter moving up towards his jaw, before breaking out into coughing laughter.

True rage appears in Ensign Harrison’s eyes as he pushes Marcus’ head down into the seat, spitting on his face before letting him go. Still leaning over Marcus, he talks through his teeth, “That’s it you fucker. Hope your little jokes were worth it. You’ve had every chance and you’ve run your fuckin’ mouth. Clearly someone needs to set you straight.”

Finally getting out a sentence without being interrupted, he looks to see an expression of hunger on Marcus’ spit-covered face. Not what he expected and certainly not what he wanted, and as he glances further down he sees an even less pleasant sign growing in Marcus’ swim shorts as a boner swiftly becomes impossible to miss. As Marcus regains his breath he chokes out a “that’s all you got?” To which Harrison begins to feel a heat in his own crotch that is met with both self-derision and an eagerness for the kid to be gone.

Starting to feel out of his depth, despite ostensibly being in charge, Harrison leads Marcus in, taking great care to hide the growing cock in his uniform, which Marcus neglects to attempt, letting his own swing in his shorts. Upon getting inside he leads Marcus to an unoccupied office and locks the door behind him, demanding he stay there and keep his hands off everything while Harrison finishes processing him.

This was beyond irresponsible, but he cannot stand being near the delinquent one second longer, and something about Marcus now makes him think that it’s fine if he’s in this office. Marcus rolls his eyes and agrees though as soon as the lock turns his hands are in a desk drawer. Before he snoops though he wonders about how empty the station is, weird that he didn’t see a single other soldier right? Must be why the pig was trying to flex so hard on him and his brother, trying to hide what a pathetic joke this operation is.

He also briefly thinks about making a break for it, before remembering that Harrison has a gun on his belt. He hasn’t pulled it on him yet but surely as soon as he got the chance to shoot at a runner he’d probably blow his load. He rolls his eyes thinking how Harrison must be compensating. He’s sure all soldiers are, anyone so obsessed with guns and power clearly has something going on.

As he continues this line of thought though, he can’t help but feel that, well, but wouldn’t he want a gun too? Just to have that power? Or just in case? As he thinks about the weight of a gun in his hands he finally remembers that he is rooting around in a desk, as his hands find purchase on what can only be a weighty wallet. He smirks as he palms it thinking of the schmuck Navy flunkee whose credit card is gonna buy him and his brother lunch once he’s out of here. Marcus starts to go through it looking for anything particularly juicy to nab. He hunches over the wallet, conspicuously hiding something, though no one is there to see him.

He shoves the cash into his pocket and finds a license, his eyes glaze over as he tries to look at the name and photo of the man. Not that he cares really though, soldiers are all the same. He continues to hunch and as he does so his back begins growing wider, as if he’s willing it to hide his deeds better. His button up starts to get in the way of his movements so he starts to unbutton it as he feels an itch on the face. He realizes, god, he never wiped that pig’s spit off his face.

His shirt now hanging unbuttoned on his wider shoulders, he raises his arm to wipe whatever surely steroid-filled dried spit remains on his face and finds nothing but a face that is decidedly rougher than it should be. Day on the beach must have been pretty rough on his skin. Maybe he did overdo it today? I mean what was he doing drinking on the job anyway. He pauses before correcting himself, fishing, he was just fishing today. He groans and spins in the desk chair, fuck he needs to get back out there. This room is giving him a headache or something.

It’s kinda hot in here too? Bet that fucker turned up the heater to torture me. Marcus shoves the wallet in his back pocket and goes to stand and inspect other parts of the room before immediately falling over. As he lies on the floor his sweaty chest grows even larger, his traps expand to strain the now unbuttoned shirt as sweaty pecs force themselves into existence pressing into the cold tile floor. Then greater than anything else he feels the wallet pressing against his ass. He might not have noticed how much his upper body has grown, but his legs certainly have and if they want to support it, they need to grow.

He moans to himself. His thighs fill his swim trunks enough to make one wonder how he could even get them on. His ass grows enough to make it clear that the only way they’re coming off is to be ripped off. His bulge on the other side endeavors to make headway to this end as his cock forces its way down his pant leg and his balls swell over twice their size trying to keep up the testosterone production this body demands.

He struggles to his feet, making careful movements as to not burst open his pants then and there. Not to be deterred from his M.O. he hobbles over to a bookshelf and continues to investigate. Marcus sees a bunch of dusty tomes that feel vaguely familiar, though he of course would never want nor need to read whatever droll garbage lies inside of them. Finally he remembers just how bizarre his situation is. What the fuck is he doing? He’s literally being processed for an arrest, or whatever these knock-off cops are gonna do, and he’s just gonna steal some actually important guy’s wallet?

Neglecting to inspect how knows the importance of whoever’s office this is, he instead trains his eyes on the bookshelf. Marcus finds himself eye level with the highest shelf which he knows was not possible when he walked in. He would’ve had to jump to grab any of these books and now he can reach them flat footed. He starts to look down and see just what is happening but as he does there’s another hot flash and he leans against the shelf in pain. God! This fuckin’ place, needs to fix the fuckin’ AC or something. He pushes back against the wall not noticing he stands even taller now as a breeze wicks sweat off his ever more exposed midriff and torso and he sees a conspicuously not dusty manual.

Weird, he’s up to date on all his regulations yeah? He pulls it off, knocking dust loose from the surrounding tomes, causing him to sneeze, his neck bursting wide enough to tear shirt open were it not unbuttoned. His vocal chords thicken as he clears his throat and returns to sit down at the desk. He opens the book wondering what’s so special about this manual, causing a picture to fall to the floor.

He laughs as he grabs it and finds it is a compromising picture of Ensign Harrison. He smirks wondering just what he has stumbled into as he finds himself absorbed into the image. His eyes can’t help but trace the strong curves and powerful muscles of his, the Ensign’s body. His cock gets the messages and finally grows enough to tear a hole in the side of his swim trunks and hsi free hand immediately goes to paw it. God, he needs to see Harrison like this in real life. Drool begins to pool in his mouth as he continues to drink in the image. It spills down his chin as he sees the look of begging in Harrison's eyes, when there is suddenly a scuffle at the door.

Mark takes the second he has to hide the photograph and rip his hand off his painfully erect dick, as Harrison bursts into the room. Nonplussed as ever he looks with a sneer at Marcus with no reaction that he looks any different than when he was booked. Under his breath he complains that Mark’s clothes are far too tight for any respectable man before. He can’t hide the blush on his face though as he asks Mark to button up his shirt before getting to the real purpose he came in, “You didn’t give me your ID uh, kid?” His eyes glaze over at the incongruity of calling the man before him kid and he blushes as Mark sneers at him in return. Raising his sharpening jaw in disdain he produces the I.D. of the Coast Guard officer in his pocket without a second thought and offers it to Harrison.  

The Ensign goes to grab it, sniffing the air as he does so and making a clear face of discomfort. Marcus doesn’t notice how he smells, not his problem, if lesser men are bothered so be it. But Harrison makes haste to leave the room, on his way out saying “You better not get your stink on the furniture, ki-, uh, Sir.” Angry at himself for calling that delinquent sir he slams the door and locks it once more, leaving Mark alone in the room, his erection pulsing even larger at being called Sir.

That ball buster needs to learn his fuckin’ place, Mark thinks, I’m in charge here after all. Or? Hm. I mean I pay his wage right, tax-payers and all. Something like that. He rubs his scratchy, sharper jaw as he feels his clothes near their limit. He pauses to decide which drawer to raid next. He settles on the top left drawer and as soon as he does he slams it open only to jump back in shock, his body flexing and tensing as he hears something heavy loudly slam into the back of the open drawer. His biceps rip apart his sleeves as reaches into the drawer and feels ice cold carbon steel. His left arm burns as tattoos he doesn’t remember getting begin to stain his whole arm. He pulls out a gun, His Gun, and begins to inspect it.

He feels a regulation mustache push out of his upper lip, the one he’s always had right? He feels the burn of more ink appear on his torso as it begins to grow shredded. He feels the lengthy hair cut he has always been proud of pull into his head, leaving nothing but a high and tight that can only display the void of a personality that the military demands. He feels the weight of the gun in his hands not noticing as his clothes begin to reform around him. Good thing he got those stupid dress clothes off, he’s at work. He needs to be in uniform.

The scraps of his dress shirt cling back to him and turn into the same respectable military green of any branch. He feels a nylon shirt cling to his sweaty pecs as a thicker top slides over his biceps, struggling to keep them contained. His attention is drawn, as it often is, straight to his cock as he feels his torn swim trunks grow into silkies that are only just able to hide his impressive bulge. He is able to stuff it down the leg of his trousers as they form around his impossibly thick thighs, though even a passing observer would be able to see the beer can running down his leg. His pants are already custom made to fit his ass and thighs, it’s not like he can, or even wants to, hide his masculinity any more. He is thankful though that his, may as well be kevlar, boxers keep him from constantly staining his pants with pre.

Still rubbing his cock through his pants, he releases the unloaded magazine of the gun and moans as wrinkles begin to form under his steely eyes. He absolutely fills his pants with pre and nearly finishes the job before there is another knock at the door. He groans as his body grows once more in agitation, his veins bulging out in aggression as a definitely not regulation beard pushed out of his jaw. But he’s in charge here. He’ll get it back to reg as soon as those fuckers start giving him some respect.

Before waiting for an answer Harrison bursts in, preparing to continue his little power trip, though as he sees the man sitting at the desk, gun drawn and more importantly now in uniform, he can do nothing but salute and shout “Captain, uh! Sir!”

Absolutely not ready or willing to set him at ease Mark gets up and begins to walk over. Captain huh, he likes that. The Captain walks up to Harrison and starts to tease his Ensign. His already deeper voice grows gravelly and gruff as he rubs his thumb across the saluting soldier's jaw, “Now Harry, I don’t believe I gave you permission to enter, did I?” Harrison gulps as The Captain continues, “Now are you here now on business, or is there something else I can do for you?” Harrison glances down to the impossible bulge in his captain’s pants, causing Mark to smirk and all-too-familiarly launch his hand to his Ensign’s jaw. He forces Harrison to make eye contact with him. He gulps once more as he hears the fabric stretch in The Captains pants and his face grows red. He shuts his eyes, feeling his own cock instantly surge into an erection. “I- uh, there was a call, sir!”

The Captain’s look of hunger changes slightly and he grins, “a call hm? At ease, Soldier.” Harrison collapses against the door, his eyes still closed, lest he cum on the spot from seeing The Captain in front of him. Mark then leans over him to whisper to him, his breath tickling the neck of the Ensign, “Now, why don’t we go show these fuckin’ delinquents just what business the US Coast Guard means hm?” Harrison’s eyes open as his body convulses, cumming as he slides down the door, moaning in shame. In turn The Captain stands and prepares to go gather some more recruits, the station has been awfully quiet recently. Just him and pathetic little Harrison, they could use some fresh blood, which he will inevitably gather at whatever bonfire or fishing crew they are about to raid...

#male tf #mental change #masculinization #military tf #muscle tf

[killerpancakeburger]

Bluebeard's wife

SUMMARY: On a visit to your boyfriend, you end up having to deal with a creep on base, but Soap and Ghost's methods of resolving your problem are... far more drastic than yours.

PAIRING: Soap x f!Reader (and BFF!Ghost)

TAGS: Dark content, Badass!Reader, Established relationship, Dark! a bit yandere! Soap, Dark! a bit yandere! Ghost.

WARNINGS: Canon violence, blood mention, sexual harassment, insults. Soap and Ghost are acting creepy but not towards Reader.

WORDS COUNT: 1,1k words.

A/N: Was thinking about how high the risks of sexual assault are in the military for women + about how much the Task Force could get away with (Soap's mohawk is NOT standard issue lol), but it turned out kinda dark. Not my usual kind of content. This is my first time writting those characters, pls be indulgent.

Your elbow connects with the man’s nose with a satisfying crack.

Immediately he howls, pressing his broken nose with one hand, blood dripping between his fingers.

“FUCK! What the fuck! You broke my nose, you crazy bitch!”

This. This is why you didn’t want to meet the Task Force on base. There was always one brainless fucker who didn’t get the memo that, no, despite having breasts, you weren’t here as a comfort woman.

The private is glaring at you with a hatred as deep as it is sudden, one that screams murder.

The only good side of the situation is, with how loud he’s being, you won’t even need to call for help. Already most of the soldiers nearby are staring at you, muttering among themselves. Not that you can’t beat this guy up on your own, but the military tends to frown upon civilians roughing up their members, you learned it at your expense quite early. On the other hand, soldiers settling accounts between each other was… well, not exactly authorized, but it was way less trouble for you.

He grabs you by the collar, his rage only exacerbated by your composure. The action stains your clothing with his blood. You mentally grimace. You’re no stranger to blood, but the idea of this repulsive individual’s bodily fluids being anywhere on your person is disgusting. 

“Are you listening, you dumb bitch!? I’m gonna fucking kill-”

The venom-filled verbal onslaught stops dead as a hand takes hold of your assailant’s wrist.

“Now, now, at ease, soldier. Ya making a spectacle of yourself.”

The thickly accented voice of your boyfriend sends a wave of warmth in your chest. 

Your harasser hesitates a second too long, so Soap makes the decision for him, tightening his grasp until the soldier winces, and finally takes the hint, letting you go and taking a few steps backward. Johnny immediately positions himself between the two of you, shielding you.

He’s been smiling the whole time, but it’s the kind of dangerous smile you wear when you’re about to give an asshole a righteous beating.

The private looks partially sheepish, but not defeated, indignation burning in his eyes. He lets loose a torrent of justifications and excuses, actively painting you as the villain, not caring if he contradicts himself in the process. You don’t pay attention to the details of his speech. It’s always the same “she was asking for it” kind of diatribe. The fact that he sincerely believes that there’s a chance that Soap will take his side instead of yours is laughable, but not surprising. 

You wonder how long this will go on, until the private notices something next to you, and all blood seems to desert his face as his voice deserts his vocal cords. 

You turn your head and, to no surprise to you, Ghost is there. He stands so close to you that your arms are almost touching. Clothed entirely in black, which brings out the white skull on his mask, his presence is as menacing as ever; all he needs to do is scowl at lesser soldiers to make them cower in fear. He doesn’t look back at you, but his support for you is so obvious through the rest of his behavior that he doesn’t need to.

Soap takes advantage of the newfound silence to turn to you.

“Ya good, yeah?” He asks, cradling your cheek tenderly, and stroking your cheekbone with his thumb. 

The question is futile - if you were hurt, he would have noticed right away. But it’s still cute to see.

“Yeah. Not a scratch.” you smile.

“That’s my girl”, he smiles back. “So, what the bloody hell happened here?”

You glance at the private behind him. He’s shaking, and the look he sends you back is begging for mercy. Remembering the first words he addressed to you earlier, you realize you’re all out of mercy for today. Thus, with a sadistic little smile, you recount the events.

“This man came to me complaining that I was unfairly privileging Sergeant Mctavish and that he wanted his turn. Then when I explained that I wasn’t some kind of free-for-all buffet, he took it the wrong way and put his hands on me. That’s when I exploded his nose.”

By the time you finish your explanation, Soap’s expression has darkened considerably.

“I see.” is all that leaves his mouth. Anyone familiar with him would know that for him to start talking by monosyllables like Ghost, something must be very wrong.

Pivoting again, he faces the private and, as the latter opens his mouth to plead for forgiveness, punches him right in the face. Blood gushes, drops of it landing on his face. You mentally count until three, one for every blow, and when Soap still doesn’t stop punching, you frown, disturbed and worried by his conduct. He’s never been one to remain impassive in the face of injustice, easily riled-up even in critical situations and despite his superiors’ orders, but you’ve never seen him go this far. 

You’re about to intervene when Ghost beats you to it, putting a hand on his sergeant’s shoulder. That’s right. Ghost, the voice of reason, the paragon of self-control, their cold-hearted leader, will fix everything.

However when you hear the next words that leave his mouth, it’s like the world tilted on its axis.

“Not out in the open, Johnny.”

The words are whispered low enough that only Soap and you would have heard. They send a cold shiver down your spine. Rattled and unsettled in a way that they never made you feel before, you contemplate the situation in silent incredulity.

“Aye, L.T.”, replies Soap with an abnormally monotonous tone.

Before you can ask what the fuck is happening, he proceeds to punch the soldier so hard in the stomach that the latter collapses without a sound, except for the muffled noise of someone winded. The scene makes you increasingly uncomfortable. You feel like Bluebeard's newest wife, having stumbled upon the one room you were forbidden from entering, having witnessed something you weren't supposed to see, and now you can never go back to how things were before.

You counted on Soap and Ghost’s intervention, sure, but you expected them to put an end to the fight, maybe intimidate the guy a little, and ultimately end things here. You didn’t expect… whatever this is.

Staring in shock at the two Special Forces, you shake your head to get a grip and come closer.

“Alright guys, I think he’s had enough-”

Ghost interrupts you with a hand on your shoulder. The Ghost touching two people in less than five minutes? Yes, something’s seriously wrong. Looking at him, you try to convey urgency with your gaze…

“Simon, this isn’t-” 

…but his next words make you lose hope of winning this argument.

“Easy there, love. Johnny’s takin’ care of it, ya don’t need to worry ‘bout a thing.”

The next thing you know, he presses a hand against your lower back, making you leave the premises, completely ignoring the way you stare at him in utter disbelief… and growing apprehension. 

He had never called you “love” before.

#mine #cod #cod x reader #cod x you #call of duty x reader #soap x reader #soap x you #johnny soap mactavish #johnny soap mctavish x reader #johnny soap mctavish x you #cod fanfic #cod fic #call of duty fanfic #call of duty fic #ghost is also there #english not my native language. thought british accent was hard but scottish is the worst #writers on tumblr #cod mw2 #cod modern warfare #call of duty mw2

[greatooglymooglyyy]

The Last Ride Chapter 8 (AU Cowboy!C.Sturniolo)

summary: when spoiled and sheltered city girl Y/N finds herself in running in the wrong crowd, her dad gives her an ultimatum. it's either spend the summer of her gap year on her uncle's ranch or face being cut off and finding a job. just when she thinks it can't get any worse, she meets Chris, the brooding farmhand who thinks he knows her type. but as the summer goes on, they both realize there may be more to the other than meets the eye.

requested and advised by @rootbeerworshiper

contains: verbal arguments, physical altercation, kissing, lots of emotions and insecurity, 3.9k words

a/n: sigh. i'm warning you... be nice to me or chapter nine gets it!! 🔪

series masterlist

“Whoa, girl.” I say gently as I tighten my thighs around Cinnamon’s body and tug gently on her reins. She comes to a stop with no issue and I rub her neck affectionately.

One of the trainers jogs up to her side and puts a cautious hand on her body to which she tenses up but doesn’t react negatively. We’ve been working on getting her more comfortable with other handlers and my girl has been making so much progress. But, it’s a slow process and I know she still gets nervous with faces she doesn’t trust.

I slide out of her saddle so the boy can take my place and step out of her line of vision. Almost immediately, Cinnamon starts to panic and my heart aches. I know I’m supposed to let them build the bond on their own but I can’t stop myself from comforting her. 

“This is my friend Max, Cinnamon.” I coo as I step back in front of her and nuzzle her nose. “He’s just going to take a ride, okay?” 

From across the field, I catch Chris throwing me a disapproving glare but he doesn’t say a word. Unsurprising since he hasn’t uttered more than a few my way for the last two weeks. But annoying nevertheless.

Ignoring him, I walk along beside them until I’m sure she doesn’t need me anymore and then step aside and watch them ride. 

It feels nice to see her progress in action and my lips pull up in a small smile at the thought of her beating her monster allegations. If Cinnamon can fix her reputation, there’s hope for me yet. A tap on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts and I look back to see one of the younger stableboys.

“Chris said to tell you to help Mr. Buck shear the sheep.” He chirps, nervously biting his nails while he talks as if he expects me to bite his head off.

Irritation does rise in my chest, but not at the poor stable boy. “Okay. Thanks for letting me know.” 

The boy gives me a relieved smile but it morphs into a look of panic when he sees me marching toward Chris instead of the truck. I ignore his calls behind me, locking my focus on the pigheaded brunette in my scope. 

“So we’ve moved past you mumbling orders at me and now you’re just sending messenger boys instead?” 

He looks up slowly from where he’s crouched down fixing the enclosure fence and tosses me an uninterested glance. “Do you need somethin’ or you just bored again?”

I roll my eyes at the jab and continue on, determined to get my rant out. “How long are you going to ignore me, Chris? This is getting beyond childish.”

Standing with a sigh and taking a look around, he gestures at all the workers watching us. “Nothing round here’s childish except this scene you’re putting on. Come on.”

He leads the way to the stables, moving so quickly I basically have to run to keep up. As soon as we’re inside, he slams the door shut and glares at me. I glare back, refusing to back down and give him a ‘go ahead’ gesture.

“I’m not ignoring you.” He says calmly, crossing his arms and leaning against the door. “I have nothing to say to you.”

My eyebrows knit together as I step back and study his face, wondering if he’s bluffing or not. “Really? Because you had a lot of words for me at the fair. Now it’s radio silence and you didn’t even let me explain-”

“I don’t need you to explain. You don’t owe me a thing. And neither do I. There is nothin’ else to say because there’s nothin’ between us anymore.” 

“So that’s it? After all that? We just go back to being strangers?” The disbelief in my voice is heavy but I feel a wall between us forming higher and higher.

There's a split second of hesitation but Chris shrugs, averting his eyes. “I dunno, Scotch. Maybe we always were.”  

Wow. I nod quickly and turn away from him to compose myself, trying not to allow any hurt to show on my face. Behind me, I hear him exit quietly and it settles in that maybe he’s right. It’s not like I belong here anyway. This was always a temporary game. I just can’t believe it felt so real.

***********************

Like most Saturdays here, I wake up to the early morning sun beaming through my window and the smell of breakfast cooking. It’s crazy how different waking up here feels compared to when I first got here. 

I used to spend my days here counting down until I could leave this humid ass state and hardly ever think about it again. But now? Lying here and listening to the calm quiet sounds of the country with my aunt’s quiet singing as the only disturbance? Somehow the idea of leaving makes me feel sick. 

But it doesn’t matter. I try to remind myself that this life isn’t mine- no matter how safe it feels. And as for my Birdie, it’s not like I can never visit again. Right?

I shake it off and get up to get ready, taking a quick shower before heading into the kitchen. As soon as she sees me, my aunt grows a huge suspicious smile on her face and I raise my eyebrow. “Good morning?”

“Good morning, bunny! How’d you sleep? I made your favorite. Take a seat. Honestly, honey, I’ve been up since before the roosters in this kitchen-” She rambles on and on as I slide into my seat, continuing to stare at her with a bewildered expression.

I look around for my uncle, finally noticing he’s nowhere to be seen. But before I can ask, Birdie sits across from me and takes my hand. “Your uncle has a surprise for you, darlin’. A damn good one.”

As if on cue, I hear my uncle’s truck pull into the driveway, always recognizable by the loud rumbling and occasional backfiring. My aunt squeals in excitement and scrambles over to the door so I follow behind her, laughing lightly.

“This better not be another Duck Dynasty merch find. I told you I’ve never even seen that show-” I cut myself off as the door swings open and I lock eyes with my dad.

It feels for a second like time freezes as I take him in. His weary smile. The bags under his eyes from what must have been months of little sleep. His outfit being as casual as I’ve ever seen him; not a tie or a designer in sight. 

“Hi, honey.” He says softly, his voice taking on the soothing tone of my childhood. The one he’d use when I was sick or hurt. When I needed him. And just like that it’s like a dam breaking as my anger crumbles and I throw myself into his arms.

“Dad.” is the only thing I manage to say into his chest as he rocks us back and forth, holding the back of my head like he did when I was young. But he seems to understand anyway, pulling back and smiling at me.

“I missed you too, kiddo.”

My uncle, the big softie, sniffles and we both cut our eyes to him. “ See now, that right there is just plumb beautiful.” He wails, leaning into Birdie who rolls her eyes in good humor. I laugh at his dramatics until someone clearing their throat grabs my attention and I look out to the porch. 

“Can we get a little love next?” 

Jace stands with a smug look on his face and his arms wide, my other two ‘best friends’ Brielle and Lydia standing awkwardly behind him. My eyes widen as I look between my dad and the boy I thought was the love of my life. What. The. Fuck.

“Surprise!” My dad says with genuine enthusiasm. “You’ve been doing so well, I thought you deserved to see your crew. How excited are you?”

I swallow hard, tearing my eyes away from Jace before I pass out. “Yeah, Dad. Ecstatic.”

***********************

The thing about Jace is he’s never known how to sit in silence. He’s spent our entire lives being the one who fills it while I hang on to every single word. It used to be one of my favorite things about him. But now as we walk quietly past the lake, his body fidgeting with discomfort at the silence, I’m not so sure.

Sighing, I take pity on him and finally speak. “So...you said you wanted to talk?” 

“I do.” The relief in his voice is palpable and he stops me from walking with a hand on my arm before he continues. “Since you’ve been gone, I’ve done so much thinking about that night. And I’ve realized I really fucked up. Worse than that time I stole my dad’s Porsche. And you remember how bad that was.” He laughs but I don’t join, staring at him and waiting for the point.

He clears his throat. “Anyway, I should have never done drugs that night. And I shouldn’t have let the girls leave you. That was wrong. And it won’t happen again.”

My eyes narrow at his roundabout accountability but I let it go, knowing it's as close to an apology as I will ever get. “You’ve said that before.”

“But I mean it now. I flushed all my blow after that night. It was really messing with my sinuses anyway.” He sees the look on my face and quickly adds, “But obviously, it was mostly for you.”

I sigh and shake my head. “It’s fine, Jace. I’m not holding grudges anymore. We’re cool.”

And I’m surprised at how much I mean it. After all the work I’ve done this summer, holding on to all this anger has been the most exhausting part of it.

Jace brings a hand up to my face and it takes a conscious effort not to flinch away from him. “I don’t want us to just be cool. I want you to know how much I care about you.”

I give him a stern look and pull away. “We can’t start this again. I don’t want to be anyone’s secret.”

“Who said anything about a secret? I’m done with that. I mean, it’s not like everyone didn’t know we were fucking anyway.”

“Jace.”

“Sorry. I just mean, we might as well make it official. Everyone knows it was always going to be me and you.”

I try to keep my heart still at his words, but despite everything he’s done, there’s still a weak spot. When I study his face, I see our entire history. All the years I spent longing for him to touch me, all the nights I spent trying to figure him out once he did. My past and his are so interlocked, I can’t untangle them. The problem is I don’t know if I want our futures to be as well.

Plus, there’s Chris to think about...or is there? His words from the stable play in my head on repeat. According to him, there is no us for me to think about. If that’s really how he feels about me, then it’s time I try to get over it.

Realizing how long I’ve been zoned out of the conversation, I refocus on Jace, bringing a hand up to his perfectly tousled hair. “Okay. Let’s try.”

He grins before pressing his lips to mine and I lean into it, wrapping my arms around his neck. It’s a familiar feeling, this boy pressed close against me. Once I’d even have described it as home. But as he deepens the kiss so close to where a boy once taught me to fish, the only thing echoing in my head is “Well. at least this one wants me.”

***********************

“Bunny, would you stop fussin’? It looks fine.” My aunt Birdie explains. She’s been watching me string lights up for the past fifteen minutes and no matter what, according to her it looks ‘fine’.

Apparently, everyone had been waiting eagerly for my dad’s return because it seems like the entire town is here tonight for his ‘welcome home’ party. People are piling in left and right, quicker than we can even finish with the prep.

One thing about me is, if I’m going to throw a party it’s going to be one people don’t stop talking about. And that begins with something as simple as the setup. I wish I had known about it sooner.

“I just think we need a few more over there,” I reply, motioning over to a fence that’s left completely blank.

She thinks for a moment, knowing it’s useless to argue with me. “There might be a few more lights in the shed, should be with all the Christmas stuff.”

I smile, immediately turning to head over to the shed that resides on the side of the house. The walk is short, but by the time I make it there, I'm met with a familiar figure on the other side.

His gaze sends chills down my spine, for whatever reason I haven't gotten used to the mean stares. Maybe it’s because I know what his softness looks like, and now it’s gone.

I go to open the wooden shed door before looking at Chris once more. “What’s your problem, Chris?”

He chuckles under his breath as if my reaction was completely unwarranted. If this was the first time he sent his nasty looks at me, maybe it would be unwarranted, but now I’m sick of his shit. 

“Just wondering what’s got you all happy.” He replies, leaning against the side fence with his hands crossed with one another.

No matter what, he always seems to believe he has the upper ground. His body language makes that more than apparent.

“I can’t just like parties?” I reply, more sheepishly than I meant to lead on. It’s stupid that I'm still defending myself against him, especially when I know a few weeks ago he liked me for all of me, now it’s as if I'm entertainment for him.

“So Prince Charming didn’t put that smile on your face? I heard he graced our poor humble digs.” He remarks with a tone dipping of sarcasm, simply earning a glare from me as I head into the shed.

When I step back out, he’s gone and it feels like the party has doubled. Looking around the yard at the crowds of people gathered, I can’t believe my aunt and uncle managed to keep this all a secret.

After finishing my final touches, I spot my dad and decide to stand with him and welcome guests for a bit, relishing how good it feels to spend time with him again.

He can’t walk more than a couple of feet without being stopped by a classmate or an old teacher so I fall back and let him enjoy catching up. It feels good to see him so relaxed here, blending in like he never left. I almost swear I catch his accent creeping back in before I walk away.  

I’m surprised with how many people I recognize as well, waving to Abby and a few of Chris’ friends. Hank hugs me before spotting my dad and hustling over to him. I should have guessed they were friends.

Looking around for my city friends, I spot Brielle laughing in a corner with Jason and my eyebrows shoot up to the sky. Okay so new type for her then. I make a mental note to pry later. Continuing my search, I spot Lydia and Jace looking pretty bored and honestly a little scared so I make my way over.

But on my way, I hear my name being called from a high-pitched familiar voice and spin around. Evie runs as quick as her little feet can take her and wraps a hug around my legs. Laughing, I squat down and give her a proper hug, pushing her wild bangs out of her face. “Hi, sweetie.”

“I haven’t seen you in this long!” She says with adorably wide eyes, stretching her arms out in a big gesture and making my heart sink.

“I know. We’ve been busy, huh? I heard you learned to write your whole name.” I say, recalling the brag Chris shared over one of the last lunches we spent together.

She grins and nods excitedly. “I can! Do you have paper?”

A hand lands on her shoulder and we both look up to see Chris hovering above us. “I think she’s good, Evie.” He gives me a brief smile but his eyes are still cold and emotionless so I stand wordlessly. 

“But-” She starts to complain but catches sight of Birdie at the chocolate fountain and her jaw drops. Before either of us can say another word, she takes off again in my aunt’s direction.

Chris kisses his teeth but we both can’t help but laugh. “Thank god these are good people, or I’d have to put her ass on a leash.” He says but he’s watching her hug Birdie with his usual loving gaze.

He notices me staring and raises an eyebrow, shooting me his cautious smile. “What’re you gawking at?” 

“Honestly?” I ask, looking over his outfit with exaggerated horror. “Those damn jeans of yours. Put them out of their misery, I’m begging you.”

He chuckles, his eyes twinkling with humor. “Oh, so we’re back to the clothing roasts, huh?”

“See, I personally never left. It haunts me.”

“Yeah, okay, Ms. Socks and Sandals.” He says looking down at my feet pointedly.

I laugh and push his shoulder. “Shut up. My boots didn’t go with this fit. I’m limited here.”

“We’ll have to get you some more.” He says almost on a reflex before he seems to realize and flinches. But his reply is cut off when Jace swings an arm around my neck. 

Immediately, it’s like a cloud comes over Chris’ face, hurt warping his features before he puts up a mask. At the same time, I freeze but do my best to recover. “Oh..uh..Hey Jace.”

He smiles at me and leans in, pressing a long kiss to my lips to my absolute horror, before turning to Chris and extending his hand. “What’s up, man? You must be the caterer. The food was great.”

Oh god. Chris’ eyes narrow but he slowly shakes Jace’s hand anyway without a word so I step in. “Actually, he works with my uncle. He’s been sort of a mentor this summer.”

Chris laughs humorlessly but if Jace catches on he doesn’t acknowledge it. “Oh, great. The food actually really sucks. Greasy as hell.” He laughs, sounding even more arrogant than normal.

I lock eyes with Chris, both of us knowing full well that Birdie spent the entire day cooking. He nods, gesturing coolly between the two of us. “I gotta say. You two? Perfect for each other.”

He turns and walks away as Jace throws an unsuspecting “thank you” at his back. But I stay frozen against my boyfriend’s side knowing it was anything but a compliment.

***********************

A couple of hours later, the party is still in full swing. People are doing line dances, tripping over their own feet due to the well-stocked bar. Someone has started a fire in the pit and the kids are enjoying their s’more while their parents catch up.

I lean against my chair, taking in the community, as Lydia whines to the left of me about being cold. Jace takes off his coat and throws it over her and I frown for a second before my dad catches my eye by the snack table.

“Do you guys want anything?” I ask as I stand, needing more than anything to speak to someone who might get how I’m feeling. They shake their heads so I mumble that I’ll be right back.

When I get to my dad’s side, he smiles warmly before grabbing a couple of my favorite pinrolls and handing them to me. Maybe he knows me better than I think. I return the smile and take the plate, whispering my thanks.

As he’s about to walk away, I stop him and he looks back in confusion. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” He says, crossing his arms and leaning in to hear me better.

“How did you get this place out of your system when you left? How’d you move on?” As I ask, I glance around the ranch before looking up at the sky, mesmerized by the glow of the stars I’d never be able to see in the city.

His eyes soften as understanding floods his features. “What makes you think I was ever able to do that?”

I blink slowly at him, not understanding. “The city. You made a whole life there. We never come here to visit.”

“Because it’s hard.” He explains, looking past me to where his old friends laugh and talk amongst themselves. “You can’t hide here. Not when they know everything about you. But, this place is in my blood, in my heart. That’s the real reason I wanted you to come here. I was hoping it would somehow creep into yours.”

The smile that crosses his face is sad but I return it with a nod before turning and making my way back to my table. But to my surprise, Jace isn’t there. Lydia has fallen asleep with his jacket draped over her so I don’t bother waking her.

Wandering around to find him, I move closer to the house until I hear his voice coming from the side of it. Plastering a smile on my face, I walk toward it until his words make me halt.

“-I know she must have been useless with all that bullshit.” 

My face scrunches up but I stay hidden when I realize the person he’s talking to must be Chris, recognizing his heavy sigh before his reply. 

“I wouldn’t call her useless in no kinda way. But sure, man.” 

I peer around the corner and get a glimpse of Chris’ face, his telltale flush of irritation fixed to his features. I debate coming around the corner since I don’t want to be caught snooping but something tells me to stay put.

“Either way. Thanks for looking out for my girl.”

I don’t miss the emphasis Jace puts on the 'my' and roll my eyes at the sudden possessiveness. Especially when a few months ago, I couldn’t even touch him in public. 

“Uh-huh. Just...” Chris seems to hesitate, bringing a hand to the back of his neck and sighing. “Just deserve her, alright?”

My heart thuds against my chest but I don’t have long to process before Jace laughs riotously like that’s the best joke he’s ever heard. He places a hand on Chris’ shoulder and leans in.

“Come on, man. Have you met her? I’ve been on planes with less baggage than that bitch. It’s not like I’m going to marry her.” Jace is still laughing as he says it, his tone so matter-of-fact that I almost don’t realize what he just said.

That is until I see the expression on Chris’ face, the blankest I’ve ever seen him look. “Fuck.” He mutters as if being extremely inconvenienced before he takes a step back and throws a punch so quick I can’t even tell where it lands.

The party goes silent in an instant, the only noise coming from Jace’s body crumbling to the ground. 

Oh. Shit.

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