#ugh i cant stand myself

[mushed-kid]

i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone

#im so #ugh i cant stand myself #i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else #i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt #and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it #and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her #and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not #i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything #but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter #i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know #and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/ #other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr #and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other #but i just. dont like people #but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private #i just dont get why im not like others😭 #why am i different than everyone else

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[skunkg1rll]

🦨

#ughhh someone pointed out the atrocity in my face. i hate thatfeature of me so bad #and now i cant stop thinking about it and i hate myself and my face and i got bad feelings #because throughout my entire life i've been so bullied for it #i feel so ugly ugh!!!!!! i am ugly i wanna cry who could ever love me when i look like this skksksks #the worst abt having a face deformity is that it is on your FACE!!!!! i cant hide it #it's out there for everyone to see #and i cant remove it. i can get plastic surgery etc but i cant afford that at all now. maybe when i have a job :((( #and it really is so big in my brain. i notice it constantly #i cant look at other ppl without checking their chins to see if it's smooth or not #and most ppl have normal chins. pretty much everyone has a normal chin!!!! #i wish i was normal too. i hate looking like this i hate it so bad #it is so unfair that i gotta be stuck w this ugly fkn feature but everyone else gets to look normal #so unfair so unfair it makes me so angry #why did i get the worst genes ever i cant stand having to live my life being this grotesquely ugly #anyway.... i try to suppress it nd not think abt it but earlier today someone made a comment abt it #nd now i just wnna cry because it is soooooooo ugly and i hate it #besides yeah it made me rmbr my school years bc ppl were sofkn mean to me abt it #like im sorry i know im ugly wtf do u want me to do?!?!

[lewishamil10n]

my brain is so full of fuck tonight

#sth sth feeling unfulfilled. i know its only middle of the night thoughts but ive been so low lately. im not where i wanted to be #and i regret my career choices n i regret not standing up for myself but also i dont blame myself bc younger me was v much a people pleaser #and i just didn't wanna upset n disappoint my parents in any way . they're so proud of me when they tell ppl what i do and on the inside #im just cringing bc there's no joy in it anymore n im not even 30 n wont be for a few yrs yet im not SUPPOSED to feel this way #my job situation isnt good n all i can do is hope n pray im able to go abroad because if i cant im literally afraid i will give up #n also i regret not standing up for myself to my mum n stopping sertraline . i wonder who i would be today if i had continued meds #n now there's a v good chance im gonna need more medications for what seems like undiagnosed n severe adhd #n i am just. so fucking burnt out n no one around me gets it !!! 'why arent u happy' im just not! im not! and idk what to do about it !!! #ugh sorry im just venting #tbd #remy.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing #ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like #visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do #so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible #mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done #but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing #how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate #and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem #it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research #assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head #and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck #it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing? #i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads #to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood? #hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing? #idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed #bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me #so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a #slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would #b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh. #unrelated

[skitskatdacat63]

Having a moment™ right now(looking at 2011 sebson pics)

#i cannot stop squealing 😖 #i think this is gonna be what pushes me to actually change my layout #i was eventually gonna change it and keep it sebmark but ah i am truly having a moment rn #reading solar flare changed me as a person shfkkfkg #BUT SERIOUSLY THEYRE INSANE #like the way they look at each other like theres no one else in the room???? #theres so many post quali pics where theyre just completely ignoring the other person and staring at each other #no bcs theres several with Lewis where hes literally standing a fooy away from them whereas theyre huddled together 😭😭 #also yeah def pushing me to just watch the whole rest of the v8 era in succession instead of skipping around #my gifposts are gonna be so insane 😭😭😭 #im looking at some of the videos of the parc fermes cause i cant help myself #and i cant even help but clip them now #spoiling myself ugh but i cant help it #catie.rambling.txt

[agayconcept]

.

#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh #like. typing this is excruciating #but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh #my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell #doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being #which. uh #SUCKS #bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins #and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough #and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself #bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured #oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention #my migraines r out of control #my joint problems r also way worse #and u kno what ? i would like to die now #thanks #truly and genuinely #im so done #i cant keep going this way #my doctor has no idea what to do #and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program #which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation) #where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes #that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain #jfc #our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer #AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently #so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up #catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me

[megatraven]

ON WEDNESDAY I WILL GET MY HAIRCUT AGAIN I CANNOT WAIT

#my hair doesnt look BAD at the length it's at it's just #i cant stand having long hair anymore #my undercuts make me feel so alive and so much more like myself ugh i cant WAIT!!!! <333333 #ive been putting off making an appointment for months because ????? but i finally did it :)

[cherry-bomb-ships]

God I hate it so much when this happens but AAAAARGH I'M HAVING... A SOFT THOUGHT... ABT CORTEX 😡😡😡

I've already talked about this little detail but in Crash 4 there's that little segment where u have to pursue Cortex down a snowy slope and he's on skis and he's surprisingly really good on them and seems to know what he's doing so like.... GOD not saying I want him to go out and do that with me, but since I've never even been on a snowy mountain before I can't get the stupid thought out of my head of being on skis for the first time and being like SUPER shaky and scared of falling but he's holding my hands and pulling me forward to help me get a feel for what it's like, and of course he'd be very smug and content with the fact that there's something he's good at that I'm 100% definitely NOT (especially cuz that trip would have probably been his idea in the first place), but I think he'd also be actually patient and encouraging with me and genuinely happy to be guiding me along and giving me advice on how to keep my balance and move forward, and idk man that might actually be a bit of a soft bonding moment sO I JUST. HHHHHHH GOD IDK WHY I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THIS SO MUCH HELPPPP

#LIKE I CANT STAND HOW MUCH IM THINKING ABT THIS BUT ITD BE KINDA.... DARE I SAY..... CUTE 😭😭😭😭 #hate this so much aaaAAH BUT ALSO LIKE he'd probably be a total prick and tease that he's going to let go to leave me to balance for myself #and of course id be mad and scared like dONT DO IT YOU ASSHOLE SERIOUSLY and he probably wasnt even going to but because of that #i might freak a little bit andaybe end up tugging on him and making us both fall.... maybe evn on top of each other UUUUUUUGH #I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED AND FLUSTERED AND MAD FOR REAL I'D BE LIKE ''IM WALKING HOME FUCK THIS 😡😳😡😳😡😳😡😳'' #UGH ANYWAY IGNORE THISSSSSSS #ruby rambles #💜: the man of my schemes

[gochujangst]

I saw a Twitter post of someone saying to LEAVE your red state as soon as possible, and I know they mean well. They mean so well. But I just can't. I can't leave man. This place is full of queer people of color, latino queers, black queers, Asian queers, mixed queers, we don't have the money to leave. We can't dude.

My girlfriend is a brown trans woman. She dresses queer. We can't leave.

I dress visibly queer. Everyone dresses androgynous. Jeans are androgynous. Sweatpants are androgynous. How poor people dress is androgynous.

If they make the Florida laws legal *here*? I'm fucked. Literally me being in comfy clothes can get me killed. This shit sucks ass. Dude what the FUCK I'm not even out about my gender. Only to the closest friends imaginable. Fuck shit

#jang rambles #vent #do NOT rb #i own buisness fancy suits i wear to quinces. i can get popped for wearing a suit. #im a nonbinary/woman/person who sports short short colored hair. i often get called sir. my voice is androgynous. im fucked #i cant bring myself to be feminine. i cant stand long hair. i cant stand wearing feminine clothing. its cold and i have health issues. #I GET CALLED SIR‼️‼️‼️‼️ OFTEN BY TEACHERS WHO JUST *LOOK* AT ME ONCE #i dont like wearing makeup. like. it looks pretty but UGH. sensory issues dude im mentally ill

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#great great great #i got so riled up i cant even fall the fuck asleep again bc of bloody course i started crying and losing it basically as soon as i woke up #god damn everything. my eyes hurt my head hurts i kept waking up all night and barely feel like i slept at all ajd technically i have so #much to do today #i would straight up scream at the top of my lungs if these stupid fucking american houses werent built out of fucking twigs #damn neighbors would probably call the cops ugh #jfc #i cant fucking stand this shit anymore i really fucking cant keeping myself alive feels like nothing else than needless cruelty #and a waste of time #none of this is going absolutely anywhere good. it can't. theres no fucking chance #what the fuck do i need to do #take fucking stereoids??? fucking cocaine??? how the ever loving fuck am i supoosed to keep any sort of pace with the fucking systen were #living in #. even people who aint fucking disabled end up so overworked they become disabled #im already a fucking mess by 22. im fucking done for

[xthefaultisminex]

Do you ever get so depressed from thinking about how truly unattractive you are personally on a number of levels... It hits me more and more as the days pass.

I'll never be thought of as pretty, proper sized, having an amazing personality... I'll simply be known as the giant blob who will never be part of anything... only an outcast.

#why am i like this #i ruin everything #i hate my body #mental disorder #not worth it #ugh #pathetic #im fat and ugly #depression #anxious #fed up with everything #no one cares #fuck #i wish i was a better person #not necessary #sorry you have to look at me #i cant stand myself #i honestly feel so bad for certain people #why be with me? #im disgusting #unrequited feelings #unrequited love #i'm lonely #i hate my stupid body #i hate my brain #my mind is fucked

[wriochilde]

im not really having a bad night but i havent had a good cry in. ages so maybe thats why i feel like my head is gonna burst

#the gender dysphoria is beating my ass tonight god #and ive been thinking all day about how maybe i didnt go through anything that bad and im just dramatic because #my siblings seemed to have enjoyed the past few months but this has been the worst months of my life and . ugh #i dont fucking know i hate thinking like this i cant stand blaming myself for my current state because its all my parents fault #all of it is because theyre selfish and disgusting and so insanely ignorant to how fucking terrible ive been feeling #i need someone to physically be there to comfort me but i would rather hang myself than go to my siblings and i rarely see my friends now #its okay whatever. things will get better i know #finn.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#this just in: local algae enthusiast shocked to find that u feel bad when u dont take care of yourself >:-[ #this is bullshit. i am rattling the bars of my cage and also i am standing outside the door with the key #what do u mean i cant not sleep enough. intensely focus for 6.5hrs nonstop and have to take care of additional stuff floating around. #and then spend all my time agonizing over not being productive enough? #ugh. its exhausting. and its one thing to live like this and love what ur doing. its another when u dont fucking care so all ur time feels #empty and pointless bc all u do is work. bleh i just wanna draw all the time but coloring takes so much time when u wanna make complicated #things :-( so its like draw something new or spend 3hrs coloring and i hate coloring :-P #its also frustrating bc when i read papers associated with the work ill be doing in the fall i actually enjoy it #and thats what i wanna do in my free time but that space is so limited bc working takes up all the space #and drawing takes a lot of time. but hey i can cut out more space by not taking care of myself 😎 #ugh. dont b like me. draw a healthy line between academia and life #otherwise its like yay reviewers have approved ur 1st authored paper and im like i could not even begin to care #light all my data on fire for all i care. i would feel nothing #and im not gonna rake od measurements today. fuck u. im tired and if i accidentally killed a culture ill be sad #ugh. but i should. but i have to do some coding before the end of the day and i cant if i have to spend another hr here 😫 #ugh. just a few more months #unrelated

[be-good-to-bugs]

days go by so fast :(

#the bin #i wish i worked in the back more. it hurts to stand still for prolonged time but its nice to not have to think abt what im doing #usually i cant bc i have to be aware of customers qnd figure out where to put stuff and all that #its nice to just affix tags to clothes for an hour. i wish i could sit down but the racks are too tall for a chair so id need a tall stool #ugh tbh i wish i worked in clothes bc itd for sure be less mentally draining but alas. i do not. and theres literally no way id possibly be #moved to clothes bc im really good at my job and im also the only person doing it so. prev person now does shoes after she person left #well. i might stay at this job. the pay sucks but the ppl r nice. i also like having a fully consistent scedule and also ability to stay #late whenever i want. idk how overtime works at this job but lots of ppl work more than 40 hours a lot and its fine and will just stay #late bc they want more hours. and if theres not a lot to do some ppl leave early too #would be great if i could drive myself home but alas. instead i have to scedule a bis in advance and i cant know if ill stay late 2 hours #early so :/ #but it might not be out of the question for me to learn to drive and get a car in not that much time so !!!!!!! #then my life will for sure be better