#two ugly terrifying insane people in love | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

andersonlore · 4 months

Text

#BRAINROT! — abby anderson x reader

abby never thought she would be so lucky to have an opportunity like this. the two of you were roommates, two peas in a pod unable to be separated until ellie had won your heart. filled with anguish, abby had tolerated your relationship for the past two years. putting on the bravest face, being supportive, letting you lean on her through the lows of ellie.

ellie wouldn’t see it this way.

your girlfriend, seemed to grow an ugly green head at the burly blonde’s wondering eyes. ellie had made her case many times, trying to convince you abby wanted more than to be your best friend during your relationship. she wants you. stupid, rage fueled arguments started by her always ended up with a curse of roommate’s name. all roads lead to abby, especially your big blow up fight a few nights ago.

ellie gave you an ultimatum, her or abby.

both of them were here at the new year’s eve party with jesse as rhetorical hosts and you decided to stew. angrily, bitterly stewing. ellie didn't have the right to push someone out of your life just because she felt jealous. someone you care about, one of the few people who fully understands, helped you through your lowest moments and ellie expected you to just cut ties, as if it’s easy. as if you want to.

ellie is sitting next to dina on the couch and abby just made her way outside on the patio to watch the fireworks. the god awful turning feeling growing in the bottom of your stomach, nerves boiling over as rhea adrenaline pumped through your veins because you knew.

you knew, you knew, you knew.

the person you couldn’t leave without, the answer became clear when forced upon you.

you watch the clock as it winds down.

11:57

she didn’t speak a single word all night. all you were welcomed with were puppy eyes and a bleeding heart each second you refused to talk with her. ellie’s green orbs caught wind of your own, looking at her. you know she loves you, even when she can’t help it when she becomes crazy jealous, only spurring out insane nonsense. in her own way, she does but the anger her father left is drowning you, making it inescapable. she wants you to come to her, you know she does. even if ellie is mean when she’s afraid, she irrevocably in love with you.

but you can’t. because ellie knew you better than you knew yourself. you knew she didn’t want to be, but her eyes filled with regret as yours resembled pity. it beamed as brightly as a full moon on a starless evening, tears in her eyes as you made yourself across the living room to the back door.

11:58

your senses are met with the smell of cigarettes and cheap tequila, but you see her sitting beside herself away from her friends. she’s on a bench swing, rocking her body weight back and forth. she looks perfect with a beanie as her locks lightly framed her chin.

she’s anxious, forefinger picking at the label in beer, condensation making it easy for it fall away. abby wonders if everything will leave just as easily, you mainly. tonight at least she does, you hadn’t spoken a word to anyone really. she wonders if she did something wrong, if she’s hurt you in any type of way. abby hopes she’s just in her head too much because she can’t stand the thought of you hurt at all, but especially by her hands.

abby is pouting so badly, she misses you going up to her. until your weight sends the swing moving slightly, before she digs her feet into the wooden planks. you grab a swing of her beer, a drink you ate but you’ll need all help you can get if you still want to follow through with this.

it isn’t because this is difficult, it’s the easiest thing you’ve done all year. it terrifies how quickly you made the decision once you picture a life without her. you can’t see one, it’s not a possibility at all.

11:59

“c’mon, what you are you doing out here? it’s almost midnight. go find ellie, bub. is everything good?” abby says, but you almost don’t catch a thing she’s saying. you’re looking at her lips, licking your own in anticipation.

“it’s cold, too. where’s you jacket?” abby doesn’t wait for you to respond. she peels of your bomber, wrapping it warmly over your shoulders.

“i guess, i don’t know, i got distracted. i’m perfectly fine, abby.” you say, getting lost in beautiful blues. never really appreciating them like you should. if she let you, from this moment on, you’d never stop.

you’re leaning in closer to her, right hand resting on her thigh, and abby’s more confused than ever.

“are you sure everything is alright? why aren’t you trying to find ellie?” abby furrowed her eyebrows, trying to put the pieces together but nothing was fitting.

“i know exactly where ellie is.”

“okay….” abby looked at you skepticism glazed over her face.

the people you love, friends and family, they start count down from sixty.

“can you tell me what’s going on?”

“ellie wants me to make a choice and i’m making it. so just, sit there, ring the new year by my side and let me, please?” you begged.

“she really said it’s me or her?” abby whispered out, trying to hide the small grin trying to break out. all you did was give a nod.

the counts come down to twenty when abby asks another a question. “your girlfriend of two years gives you an ultimatum, and you’re deciding to sit with me.” the blonde is having a hard time believing you, slowly putting the pieces together one by one.

“yeah, there’s isn’t anyone i’d rather be. it’s you abby, i-it always has been.” you move your head so you can look at her, the two of you are leaning in closer, it’s when you notice the love in her eyes. how deeply it flows and god you hope it flows all over you. maybe it’s been there all along, just waiting for you to be there, waiting for you to feel the first drop.

12:00

everyone’s cheering as abby’s lips meet yours and dear god are they perfect. luscious, bottom lip separates your own as her calloused hands cradle your face as she angles the kiss deeper. abby pulls you closer as she handles you with all love in the world. you forget where you are and you’re moaning into the kiss, allowing abby to slide her velvet tongue in your mouth, claiming you for the first time.

the moment she’s imagined is more perfect than she deserves but she takes it anyways. abby can’t believe it as she pulls away, forehead resting against her, looking at you like you just the placed the world in her hands. and in a way, you kind of did.

“if there was ever any doubt, it’s always been you, too. but, i’m pretty sure you already knew it. i’m not one for subtly.” abby kisses you once more, and now you know this is how it was always meant to feel.

461 notes · View notes

dontlookatmytmntcollection · 26 days

Text

Donatello (NSFW Alphabet)

Bayverse Donatello x F!Reader

Donatello is a giving, fast-paced, enthusiastic character that has tendencies to people-please; with a deep seated desire to belong. I see him being a submissive lover most of the time; needing the freedom from his busy brain and busy life. Donnie would give in to anything his lover would need from him. But you would also notice he struggles to indulge in taking what he wants, in fear of inconveniencing, pressuring, or disgusting you. Which makes those occasional moments when he takes over and give in to his dominant urges all the more delicious.

Brief mentions of masochism, somnophilia, bondage, pegging and exhibitionalism. Word count: 2200.

Enjoy!

A - Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) - After sex Donnie is a dumbass. Doesn’t matter what kind of sex. He’s fucked out and a bit of a goofball, so you will get cuddles and jokes and he will make you laugh. But until you ask, he’s not thinking about the mess at all. Or about water. Or food. Or anything really. It’s when you actually ask, “Babe, I can’t move, will you please grab-” He will first be horrified, then he will SCRAMBLE out of bed. He’ll wack his head against a light or something or trip over his underwear flat on his face- he’s so fucking cute.

B - Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) - If you compliment anything about his physical appearance or physic, he says stuff like “Naww.” “Staap.” “No you don’t.” But he loves the size difference. He loves how small you look against him and in his bed. Sometimes he stares at how big his hands and fingers are while fingering your little pussy and he goes brain dead.

C- Cum (Anything to do with cum basically) - Donnie whimpers, shakes, and moves a lot during orgasm. He can’t help it. It’s one of those moments he is 100000% completely, utterly checked out. It’s so fucking hot. He also needs to be holding something. Always. He prefers to grab you into a tight, shakey hug. But if he can’t do that, he also grabs his own head and face. Donnie has also bent metal before, broken handcuffs and torn rope. He’s replaced your headboard twice now. Bit of a head pusher, so unless you are into that, tie him up or tell him to hang on to something.

D - Dirty Secret - He would love to be pegged. Already loves it when you finger and eat out his cloaca, so having you in control of his pleasure and body? It drives him insane.

E - Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) - Donnie’s nature is to research and to meet head-on. Between all the long term-relationship, healthy sex-life, deep-dive research (and his porn consumption); he is actually pretty prepared to have good sex. But what makes sex and his first-time terrifying is the turtle thing, his fear of you thinking he’s ugly and disgusting, and not being good for you.. His trauma and sensitive nature is completely exposed those first few times. So you taking the lead and being in charge was his saving grace.

F - Favorite Position - Donnie does not have a favorite. He loves to change things up. But he does have a tendency to fall into a routine, and succums pleasure and intimacy. He’s not stopping a fuck to change up the position unless you tell him to do so.

G - Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous) - Depends on how much stress he is under and how much sleep he has had. If he is well rested and life is being a little more on the good side, he is incredibly playful and cute. But if he hasn’t slept in two days, sex is overwhelming and intense and he needs that burst of good chemicals. If he is being cute and dorky while life is falling apart, its always before you start getting in his pants and directly after you’ve both finished.

H - Hair - He doesn’t care

I - Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect) - Sex is one of the few ways you can easily pull him out of his head, so it does get intense for him. Donnie’s brain checks out once shit gets rolling, and he stays checked out when you take the lead; which is something he desperately needs. But those moments when he needs to take for once instead of give, you gotta be prepared for the most intense fucking of your life.

J - Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) - Donnie is the one who is a little more sloppy and risky when it comes to jerking off. Because when he needs it, he needs it, okay? He loses brain cells when he’s horney, so jerking off in his lab when one of his brothers is still awake in the kitchen over there starts feeling like a good idea. Post-nut clarity hits Donnie so hard when he’s by himself. It’s hilarious.

K - Kink (One or more of their kinks) - Donnie is a kinky mother fucker, okay, and he is so shy about it. He will not put in requests. You will have to get it out of him, because he feels a bit of shame in that he wants to be on the receiving end of things, usually. He’s into sensory deprivation, bondage, exhibitionalism, toys, somnophilia, masochism, breeding, free-use, phone sex, all of it.

L - Location (Favorite places to do the do) - Okay, so you gotta be careful because if you get Donnie horny enough, anywhere starts looking like ‘this will do’. It can get him in trouble, and you’re gonna have to call the shots on that one. But he does get pretty paranoid in the lair and lack of privacy, so a bedroom will be best for a while. Let him get more confident in his body and his relationship with you before y’all start getting crazy.

M - Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) - In a scenario in which he is glued to the screens and you need lovin’s; praise. Pet names. Tracing his neck or arms. It will get his attention super fast. Everytime. He is also always horny waking up, but he is not a morning person, so you will have to do most of the work. But his noises and desperation are always worth it.

N - NO (Something they wouldn't do, turn offs) - He doesn't like being hit, or in pain; and actually being restrained is horrifying to him. If he can’t actually snap the handcuffs or rope, and he’s being held down- things go from sexy to he doesn't want to be touched for three days. It’s a fine line, one that he didn’t know existed until it happened. Unaddressed trauma, you know?

O - Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) - Donnie fucking loves head, okay? One of his longest fantasies was having a partner suck him off while he games. It’s a classic. And he loves giving you head, and takes massive pride in being the best there possibly is at giving it to him.

P - Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual) - All of it. All of it. There are moments when he needs to take over, and he does get intense. But even in his most needy moments- it still doesn’t mean he’s rough. He definitely can be- but it all depends on the mood and the scenario and what you need. He’s all over.

Q - Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often.) - He has some trouble initiating. The fear of inconveniencing you or being overly needy is prevalent in his heart. Especially at the beginning. So even if he is insanely, deliriously horny for you, he’s gonna struggle asking for relief. However, if you initiate- he’s all in. He will do whatever, whenever, however. Just keep touching him. Tell him what you need, what he should do. He will be there, please, baby.

R - Risk (Are they game to experience, do they take risks.) - If you need him and your in charge, he gets a little pussy drunk. He will want to do whatever you want, whenever you want. He does have some fantasies of having you in semi-public areas (like his truck on a road trip). But not only does he secretly want to try everything in the book, but he is here to please you. He wants you and he wants to be yours. Ask him and he will be of service.

S - Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last) - Donnie possesses athleticism on a level that is otherworldly. You are dating a superhero. So his stamina shows it. He can have sex all day, and be running around saving the world after. The question is, when does he find time to sleep. So sometimes, fucking him should be a seque to getting him to passing out, at last.

T - Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves) - Donnie loves toys. Loves using them on you, loves it when you use them on him. He kinda likes the thought of building sophisticated ones for you to enjoy. He likes to watch you use toys on yourself, he likes you watching him use them- he adores it all. The introduction of toys in the bedroom was very quick, and he’d have a collection somewhere very, super hidden.

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease) - He doesn’t like to tease you at all. He’s not the type. What you ask of him is exactly what he will give, so he struggles to deny you pleasure. However, he kinda loves when you tease him. Flirting with him, denying him, teasing him, edging him all get him feeling super hot. You become his whole world when you do, and that’s exactly how he likes it.

V - Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) - Donnie whimpers. He is the most gorgeous whimperer in the entire planet. He shakes and whines and moans, and he begs. His voice can get super low and then can get high and whispery- you have told him several times he could make audio porn and he doesn’t believe you. He gets a little insecure about it, because most of the time he doesn’t have a whole lot of brain power to control that.

W - Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) - He was fucking you hard in the back of the lab. On the old cot he kept there for emergency uses. He was getting so riled up that his brothers, just outside, were in danger of overhearing his whispers and whines. Your solution? You grabbed his face hard, yanking him close with your palm cupped over his mouth with your other hand cupping the nape of his neck. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, falling further into your shoulder and bracing under the new wave of arousal while his thrusts quickened with desperation. “That’s it, baby.” You whispered, struggling to keep quiet yourself. “That’s it, good boy, sweetheart…fuck-”

X -X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) - Team cloaca. He has a cloaca just under the plates of his plastron. His dick is HUGE, and gorgeously dark purple, and there is a reason it needs to be packed away. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience, even with the assist of his and your natural lubrication, it takes a while to get his huge size inside of you.

Y - Yearning (How high is their sex drive) - In the beginning, you are all Donnie could think about. He wanted you so badly, and he wanted you to want him. He had trouble focusing on tasks he had never had a problem focusing on before. He wasn’t getting things done, he was messing up more during training, and he had troubles not talking about you to others. But after things have been official for a while, that fades to a much more healthy amount. But he does have an issue getting lost in his interests, projects and duties. His sex drive is high, but he has attention issues lol.

Z - ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards) - Donnie is a sleep deprived monster. While he can continue on after sex as if nothing happened (he does that a lot), sex is one of the only things that will actually put him to sleep quickly. So if that is your objective, after he orgasms…when he’s still shaky and out of breath- all you gotta do is rub his shoulders, kiss his face and pull him into a tight hug, prevent him from getting too goofy, and it’s over. If you are under him, he can fall asleep on top of you. If you two are curled up in the lab chair, he will pass out with his head on your shoulder. If you guys are on the couch, he will drop out, his mouth open and glasses skewed with you on his chest. He is always a hard sleeper, so getting him to wake up especially after a good fuck- is damn near impossible. But it’s also something that honestly, while you stare down at his cute face snoozing away, waking him up is the last thing that you want to do.

#bayverse #donatello #tmnt bayverse #bayverse tmnt #my writing #tmnt headcanons #tmnt #bayverse donatello #bayverse donnie #tmnt x reader #tmnt x you #tmnt 2016

333 notes · View notes

makethatelevenrings · 1 year

Text

Angel by the Wing - TWENTY TWO

Chapter Warnings: discussion of child abuse and domestic violence, discussion of the possibility of miscarriage, allusions to homophobia

A/N: I’m nearing graduation so I’m in the final rush to get work done so updates will be going sloooooow for a bit. sowwy. love u.

Series Masterlist OR Mobile Masterlist

There is a reason why Jacob “Hangman” Seresin is such a dick.

He was seven years old the first time he saw his mom cover a black eye with concealer and a smile. Ten when he pushed himself in between Jennifer and Daniel Seresin and took a well-aimed smack to the face. Thirteen when Daniel stopped making his wife his main punching bag and started turning on Jake.

He was fifteen when he realized that he wanted to kiss Tony Garcia as much as he wanted to kiss Lisa Kelley. The words of his father haunted him at night. Things like how he didn’t raise no fucking fairy. How Jake was too much of a fucking sissy. How he needed to man up and take each hit like a champ.

Jennifer knew something was different about her son. She saw the way he gazed at the front cover of Tiger Beat magazine no matter who was on it. Daniel would beat her black and blue if he saw her giving his son that “sissy shit” but she would pay in cash and slip it under Jake’s pillow to find when he came home from football and baseball practice.

Jake grew thick skin in that house. He had to in order to survive. He loved his mom dearly and he wanted to keep her and his little sister as safe as they could. He was sixteen when he threw a punch back at Daniel and knocked him out cold. Jake was six feet tall and pure muscle thanks to being a double sport athlete. Daniel was on the fast track to alcohol induced cirrhosis.

He knocked his father out and then told his sister and mother to pack their bags. They would get out that night.

That same rough attitude got him through the last few years of high school. He had to protect his sister at her new school, his mom from the specter of his father, and himself from the world. By the time he entered the Naval Academy, DADT was well in effect. Being bisexual meant he could still flirt with women and kiss a few of his other female classmates, but there was still this gut-punch feeling he had every time he felt a flush rise to his cheeks when he saw some guy throwing a frisbee out on the quad.

And then he graduated and entered flight school and met Bradley Bradshaw and for fucks sake, they shared a bunkroom. What was he supposed to do? Bradley was charming and funny and his patience drove Jake insane. He thought that there were moments Bradley saw past that veneer of arrogance he held in front of him as a shield.

Jake always had to be the best. If he was the best athlete on the field, then his dad would be proud. If he was the smartest kid in class, his mom would be proud. He had to be the best in order to get the attention of Naval football recruiters. Five years of service in return for free tuition, a load off of his mom’s shoulders. He had to be the best to be a fighter pilot, a job that would take him away from his mom and sister, but wouldn’t put him in a submarine with no way to contact him for a year.

Letting people in was a risk, he learned, and one he tried to avoid at all cost. Letting people in gave them a chance to see the ugly, jagged, imperfect parts of him that he was terrified to let people see. So he pushed people away with his cocky attitude and jabbed words.

Bradley Bradshaw didn’t care because Jake wasn’t speaking when they were making out in their empty bunkroom.

But then the Navy split them up to deployments across the world. They attended Top Gun at various times, occasionally seeing the other at a base for a few days before they were sent off again, but Bradley had grown more serious and less impressed with Jake’s attitude. He knew it was inevitable. He pushed people away so he really couldn’t act surprised when they left.

He was stationed at Lemoore with Phoenix and then down to Miramar to help train some new pilots when the news of the special detachment came. By then, he was quickly sinking into the bright smile of the bartender of the Hard Deck.

And here he was sitting on his couch with Bradley Bradshaw’s head resting in his lap. His fingers ran through the brunet’s curls and he scratched his nails over Bradley’s scalp a few times, eliciting a satisfied hum from the man who was drifting between the veil between sleep and awake. How the fuck had he ended up here?

“Hey,” you said as you emerged from the bedroom. You were tucking one of your black Hard Deck t-shirts into a pair of jean shorts when you looked up and saw Bradley half-asleep on Jake’s lap.

“Oh sorry.” You lowered your voice and winced but Bradley waved you off.

“I wasn’t sleepin’,” he grumbled.

“Okay, that’s a bold faced lie but whatever you say, bear.” You came around the side of the couch and leaned down to run your hand over Bradley’s hair before straightening up and laying a kiss on Jake's cheek.

“I have to leave to help get the bar ready before we open. Penny took Amelia out on a boating trip to north Cali so I’m opening and closing tonight. I figured you two will want to get shitfaced tonight so I can drive you home and we’ll go get your cars tomorrow morning. Sounds good?”

The two men sent you a thumbs up and you grinned. “Okay, perfect. Item two on my list…”

Bradley sat up with a groan, his ribs protesting the move, and Jake slid his hand down to support his back until they were both sitting up and staring at you.

“There’s a chance.” You worried at your bottom lip and sighed. “There’s a chance I could miscarry. The risk dramatically drops after eight weeks and is extremely rare after twelve weeks, but there’s always a possibility.”

Your hands dropped to your stomach where that near invisible bump rested. “Would you be alright if we waited before telling people? I already told Penny, but that’s because I was freaking out and needed someone to screw my head on straight.”

“I told Mav too,” Bradley added. “But I’m okay with not telling anyone else until you think it’s good.”

Jake cleared his throat. “I’d like to tell my mom. I was hoping to have her and Liz come down to visit soon, maybe this month. Would that be okay?”

A smile grew on your face and you reached out to cup his face. “Of course. It would be really nice to meet your mom. I’m sure she’s got a bunch of embarrassing baby photos of you.”

He rolled his eyes but settled a kiss against your wrist as your grin brightened. You leaned down to drop a kiss to each man’s head and then hurried over to the front door to put on your shoes and grab your purse.

“Okay, I’ll see you both tonight. Be good while I’m gone. Jake…” Your gaze flickered between the two men. “It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but I think you should tell him about your dad.”

His heart sank into his stomach at the confused glance on Bradley’s face, but he knew she was right. If they wanted this to work, Jake would have to be honest about the fact that he didn’t know how to be a good father thanks to Daniel Seresin being a raging piece of shit.

As soon as the door shut behind you and the sound of your car drove off, Jake leaned back against the couch and sighed. Bradley kept those warm brown eyes fixed firmly on him and then Rooster surprised him by reaching out and carding his fingers through the soft strands at the base of his neck.

Jake let out a shaky breath and began to tell him.

A few hours later, Jake joined the rest of the Daggers at the Hard Deck. He sat across from Bradley, their feet hooked together and their heads occasionally turning in the direction of the bar where you were focused on making drinks. The team were all intent on getting sloppy, piss-faced, “holy shit we lived” drunk tonight. Warmth suffused his veins, both from the bourbon and from the laughter of the team as they all swapped stories from their earlier days in the Navy.

“What’s everyone doing for their leave?” Halo asked once the conversation started to die down.

Varying responses came, mostly people saying they were going home to see family. Others were staying in California, like Phoenix who would be going back to Lemoore with Sofia, and Bob, who had been practically adopted by the two women and would be joining them for the first half of leave before he went to see his family.

“I’m going to be here for a bit,” Bradley answered. “Enjoy the sun. Weather’s nicer here than in Virginia.”

The others were too drunk already to recognize the heavy gaze Bradley laid upon the man seated before him. Jake grinned into his beer just as you appeared at their table with a tray of shots.

“On the house,” you announced as you laid it down in front of the aviators. “You better have a designated driver planned out or I will be sticking your ass into an Uber and praying you get home.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bob replied meekly. You grinned to show him you weren’t all that serious and nudged your knee against the interlocked ankles under the table.

Jacob “Hangman” Seresin never expected that he would have the chance to feel like this. He was thirty-three when he let two people into his life and found that flying wasn’t the only adrenaline rush.

Tag list: @mizzzpink @xoxabs88xox @dreaminglandsworld @khaylin27 @loveforaugust @phoenixssugarbaby @atarmychick007 @mak-32 @itsmytimetoodream @krismdavis @emma8895eb @startrekfangirl @hangmandruigandmav @lunamoonbby @startrekfangirl2233

#hangman x reader #hangman x reader x rooster #hangster x reader #jake seresin x reader #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw x reader x jake seresin #bradley bradshaw imagine #jake seresin imagine #abtw

165 notes · View notes

batmanisagatewaydrug · 10 months

Note

hii sex witch

im 19 afab and ive never had sex before, i masturbate sometimes but ive never had an orgasm and dont know how to "get it"?.. im generally scared of sex and identified as asexual for a long time but i dont think thats really my deal, im just scared of it. im scared of it being awkward, of my partner not finding me atractive or worse. i dont like how i look naked, and dont imagine anyone ever could. i think my vagina and my boobs look ugly and alien, i preach body positivity and being natural i think all bodies are good no matter how they look but when im faced with the reality of my own body im repulsed by these parts of it. i think something may be broken inside me because i just cant Be Normal about sex, the thought of me having it always makes me stressed and uncomfortable. i want a relationship and i love meeting new people and flirting etc. but when the person i talk to makes any sexual joke or innuendo i get super tense and scared and realise that if things get further they would probably want me to do it... and maybe i could and maybe i even want to but the thought makes me sick with the pressure. this isnt even a question, so i dont know how you could even respond but i dont have anyone i could openly talk about this in my life without feeling super weird or them just brushing it off as "you'll grow up to it" or something, and i just had to say it to someone or else i will eventually explode. hope this all makes sense ❤️‍🩹

hey anon,

come in, get cozy, grab a glass of lemonade, etc. we're gonna be here a minute.

so listen: I swear to GOD this isn't me trying to pull the "you'll grow into it" thing. I am going somewhere different with this I swear. bear with me.

first and foremost, I think the main problem you're experiencing right now is that being 19. I don't mean that in a condescending or belittling way, or to imply that you just don't want to have sex because you're 19. I'm saying that being 19 (and 18, and 20, and 21, and so on) is mostly for being worried about everything and having no idea what's going on. you have to get all that insane anxiety out of your system as early as possible in your adult years so that you can get down to business actually developing a perspective and figuring out what you want to do. I'm not even, like, a LOT older than you but trust me, by the time you're 26 you're going to feel SOOOOO different about things that you don't even realize you have an opinion about right now. when I was 19 I was made pretty much exclusively of anxiety and the cheapest bagels at the grocery store. (eating badly was not helping my anxiety.)

what I'm getting at here is that you're at like a very exciting and terrible formative age when it's the most normal thing in the world to feel like there's something uniquely awful and hideous and unlovable about yourself. when I was 19 the two most important things in the world to me were losing my virginity (lmao) and making sure I never experienced actual emotional intimacy ever because I was sure that if anyone got close enough to really know me they would realize that I was the worst person who ever lived and fundamentally undeserving of human connection. TERRIBLE place to be in; I had a lot of deeply bad and uncomfortable sex because of it.

there's a really easy solution to being terrified of sex, which I wish someone had told me when I was very scared of sex, and it's if having sex sounds like a horrific ordeal you can actually just Not Have Sex. just don't do it. it's actually REALLY easy to not have sex; millions of people do it every single day.

if you like meeting people and flirting, that's awesome! you should do that, having connections and relationships with other people is important. if you don't like sexual jokes and innuendos you can just tell people they make you uncomfortable and ask them not to do that; how they respond is actually a GREAT litmus test for whether or not those are people you should keep hanging out with. if someone isn't able to not make sexual comments about you after you've asked them not to, kick 'em to the curb!

there are tons of people in all kinds of romantic relationships who aren't having sex. that's a perfectly fine and reasonable boundary to set. it can make things a little more complicated, sure, but dating and romance and love are all complicated and messy anyway. again, great way to VERY EFFICIENTLY weed out who is and isn't a suitable potential partner. (it's also fine to not want a partner, either; there's nothing wrong with being a sociable extrovert who doesn't want to have sex.)

there's nothing broken about you for being nervous about the idea of having sex. whether you identify as asexual or not, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. it's completely fine if you change your mind tomorrow or if you feel this way for the rest of your life. and you might! maybe sex will never sound awesome for you, and that's fine! again, tons of people living very good and happy lives every day without having sex! sex isn't a measure of maturity, but knowing yourself well enough to honor your own boundaries and desires is.

I hope a kinder attitude towards your own body can come with time, and I think it will. be gentle with yourself, alright? being 19 is very silly but unfortunately very necessary, and I think you'll really like what comes after if you let yourself relax a little. whatever you feel like right now, you're actually a very normal person, by which I of course mean you have a rich and brilliant mind and will do many quietly wonderful things in your life and will be deserving of every bit of love and joy that comes your way.

also, hey - have you ever seen a therapist about anxiety? I also should have done that when I was 19.

#sex edventures 2023

62 notes · View notes

jorisjurgen · 1 year

Text

The Crepin-Lore Manifesto.

Part 3: Painful History

[PART 1]

[PART 2]

So, was Kerubim Crepin a good brother?

A bad brother?

For Atcham, it doesn't seem like his vendetta is due to being mistreated by Kerubim. It's not even subtext.

He's perfectly aware he's just using Kerubim to have someone to blame.

But it doesn't necessarily mean that Kerubim wasn't a bad brother.

As we've seen in The Wheel Of Fate... At the time of their childhood, he hated Atcham, viciously.

Or, he was scared of being othered, like him.

My personal pet theory, is that Atcham couldn't take life at the orphan temple anymore, being bullied for his differences.

Kerubim watched, and did nothing about any of this. They were just children, after all.

If Kerubim suffered so much from spending a single day in his brother's shoes, is it really that hard to imagine what Atcham's life was like?

Atcham lost his family too, just like Kerubim.

Nobody ever helped him. And in the end, he was probably treated as if it was his own fault, that he was mistreated.

This sort of thing would fit in, with his characterization.

He's not a bad person, just embittered by his life.

Even as an adult, he's at best treated like an ugly, neurotic freak. Despite his status as a terrifying assassin, he is not respected, just feared.

And being so old, he rightfully has no reason to believe that the world is better than that. Atcham doesn't have anyone in his corner.

And with how Kerubim, and life itself, seem to treat him, I don't blame him.

But what does Kerubim actually think about Atcham?

Because... things aren't so cut-and-dry.

Say - which character related to Kerubim looks unlike most people - enough to, perhaps, be bullied for it - and has lost their parents?

...Yeah. You know what I'm insinuating.

Loving two Black Sheep, and Parallels

...One of the things I never addressed in the last post, is the fact that besides guilt borne of thinking he took Julith's life...

Kerubim carries guilt for Atcham, too. Despite the way he often talks about him, he feels protective of his little brother.

Even the fact that he made sure that Joris wouldn't have issues with his body like how Atcham had, saying that he himself is just some guy, while Joris is special, says a lot.

Seeing an orphan, who was sure to take the brunt of that hatred upon himself if anyone knew his mother was Julith, and who looked so different from others...

How could he not think they were similar? How could he ever not want to protect him?

When Kerubim is being vulnerable, all the insults he has for Atcham dissipate.

I like to think that both Indie and Atcham were brothers that had ruined his life, yet made it worth living.

But in the end, all that's left is, well, the knowledge that he can't fix this, and the desire to, at the very least, have Joris by his side.

...The only reason Atcham ever listened to Joris was their similarity, as well as Joris's age and convictions.

But the only reason he gave family and hope a second chance - is someone finally stepping in to protect him.

And, of all the things Kerubim ever said about Atcham, only this scene really matters.

Aaaand, this draws my insane, three-part compilation of esoterically connected infodumping about the most insane family of Krosmoz to a close. Can you tell I wrote 2 giant character study fics about them yet? Can you feel that I have like 30 wip ideas in my head still?

This is just my thoughts about Atcham and Kerubim, so you know that thoughts about Joris buzz in my brain like bees - especially considering ecaflip demigods keep their memories, and what it means for this trio's relationship. Maybe one day I'll write a post about that too, but that day is NOT today.

These three love each other so much, and I hope I could make you understand what I see in them, just a little bit, after reading this.

#krosmoz #dofus #atcham crepin #kerubim crepin #kerub crespin #joris jurgen #myanalysis #ro.txt #I am insane and diseased. bless.#wakfu

54 notes · View notes

strawbrygashez · 1 year

Text

OC (kinda??) x Postal 2 Dude

Photos (Part 1)

SOO I really like this one official piece of Postal art work & I decided to make some Yaoi based off dude & this random guy 😎 so he’s not really a oc but he has no canon personality or name or anything to my knowledge so yeah!!! Tw ig for g0re mentions. I named him Sam!!!! :3 uhhH let me know if u guys want a part two! Sorry for any mistakes 🫡

————————————————————————

“Ah- Shit Dude I told you not to pull so hard.” The blonde grumbled from below Dude, his hand that held onto Dudes arm, tightening in grip. Dude let out a almost sadistic chuckle before loosing his grip on Sams hair. “Well sorry for trying to make your damn pictures look more realistic.” He teased before making some kinda motion similar to ruffling the blondes hair apologetically. However, it only made Sam huff before getting up off the ground and walk over to behind the camera. Dude only watched him for a moment before rolling his eyes and then starring down at the fake blood that drenched his own clothes.

In reality, there was so many different ways Dude could help Sam get more realistic imagery. He could have really roughed Sam up, brought over real blood and gory bits, strike real fear into Sams heart, and really beat the blondes jaw in, but he supposed there was no point in any of that. The photoshoot was to show of Sams skills in special effect makeup for his silly little website he had in hopes that someone, somewhere in the film industry would reach out to him about working on something together. The photos weren’t being took to showcase actual real pain.

He also supposed his fondness of Sam was the main reason he didn’t wanna do anything too crazy and genuinely terrify him. This was his one only genuine good friend he’d had in ages (besides Champ of course). So he had to repress whatever urges sneaked up into his missed up little mind to the best of his abilities unless he wanted to go back to feeling utterly alone in this shitty town again.

Dude was brought out of his thoughts once Sam let out a impressed whistle after a while of the sound of him clicking around to look at each picture. He even has a slight little grin which was rare coming from him. The man usually had a empty, emotionless resting bitch face which fit for him pretty well as a person. Sam was a huge horror nerd, darkly inclined, and loved the paranormal and real true crime stories. The only thing about him that didn’t quite fit that kinda stereotypical person was instead of a mass of messy dark long hair, he had platinum blonde hair and light blue eyes, which Dude made it a point to pick on him for, at least once or twice a week.

“What?” Dude asked as he wiped some of the fake blood off his hand and onto his already ruined shirt. Sam motioned for him to come over behind the camera before making room for him to look at it himself. Once Dude came over, he had to squint at the small picture to see it clearly. It was.. a cool picture he guessed but he wasn’t exactly sure what was so impressive about it. Sam took notice of Dudes confused expression and huffed yet again before pointing to Dudes face in the photo. “Look man! That’s pure insanity on your face right there. You look so fucking cool.” Before moving his finger and yet again examining the picture.

Dude wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about that comment…He definitely wasn’t offended or really anything like that but honestly he didn’t try to put that much energy into the ‘crazed’ look Sam had wanted from him yet. But well…whatever. He knew he just naturally seemed to scare people anyways and if that helped Sam out, then who gives a shit?

“Mm..Guessed ya picked the right type of guy for this project, huh? I know you wouldn’t want my ugly face in your pictures just for no reason.” Dude joked as he reached into his trench coat pocket for his sunglasses. The lighting in the room was killing his eyes, who turns their living room into a makeshift studio of sorts anyways?

Sam glanced up from the camera and back to him, his black expression coming back. “You’re not ugly, Dude. I picked you because you get my vision, you got cool style, and well.. I don’t know anyone around who wouldn’t be a big baby about doing this kinda stuff.”

“So you only picked me because everyone else thinks you’re weird? That’s-”

“Exactly the same boat you’re in?” Sam finished the sentence before yet again, facing back towards the camera. Dude stood still for a moment in silence before biting his bottom lip and faking a karate chop awfully close next to Sams neck, which only caused him to flinch slightly. “mm- You’re soo lucky I like you Sammy.” Dude threatened jokingly with a grin before he stood up right again. “Mhm. Anyways, I think I got some really good pictures I’ll definitely use. So go shower.”

Dude raised a eyebrow. “Huh?”

Turning off the camera for right now, Sam wiped his ‘bloody’ hands across his jeans while looking at Dude. “Put your clothes in the washer and go shower. I’m taking you to dinner.” He clarified, matter-of-factly. Again, Dude just dumbly stood there confused. “I uh- That wasn’t part of the deal. You only said you were going to pay me and-”

“Yeah? I still am but I also wanna take you to dinner.”

Dude still couldn’t really process what was going on. Sure it wasn’t anything crazy but he was making it sound like a-. Dude let out a chuckle at that thought. “You’re making it sound like a date or something Sam.” Dude said, grinning at the ‘bizarre’ idea. But Sam only shrugged. “So? Whatever.”

They both stood there, both secretly thankful for the fake blood and whatever else covering the slight redness coming to their faces. “Eh- uhm. I didn’t bring extra clothes.” Though Dude knew he was supposed to sleep over, he hadn’t really came prepared like it was a ‘sleepover’. He’d spent too much time trying to come up with a lie to tell his wife about why he’d need to be gone overnight and in turn, forgot to pack.

“That’s fine. You can borrow some clothes. I don’t think we wear sizes too different.” Sam replied. ‘Sharing clothes? Damn now things are getting even gayer.’ Dude thought to himself. The thoughts and feelings coming to Dude made him feel slightly sick, especially because it was mixed with another feeling that he didn’t know how to quite describe or wanna admit to for some reason. But.. it wasn’t a particularly bad feeling. “I uh.. Don’t you want the bathroom to yourself? You’re the one with that liquid latex on for the bloody chin thing you got goin’ on..”

“I can just clean myself off in the kitchen sink. Plus, no offense Dude but you needed to shower before I even added the fake blood on you.” He said, with of course a twitch of a smile showing. Dude frowned a tad. “Oh wow. Thanks. That’s really-” but before he could get his sentence out Sam picked up a near by rag and told him to just hurry up before heading to the kitchen. Leaving Dude to let out a sigh. Seems like there’s no way out of this.. and why didn’t Sam deny the accusation that it was a date? That question made Dudes face feel slightly warm again to Dudes dismay. Well whatever. At least it seemed like he was going to get a free meal out of all of this if nothing else.

Sucking it up for now, he finally decided to make his way toward the washer and dryer as he took in his surroundings. The home was filled with Halloween and horror decor that Dude was sure stayed up all year round. The place was just basically a big mancave which he couldn’t help but be slightly jealous of. He wouldn’t hear the end of it from his wife if he wanted to put up stuff similar to what Sam did in their trailer.

Oh yeah.. his wife. Hopefully she wouldn’t spot them out together. But he was doubtful of that happening. The bitch would never run a errand herself. Plus he could come up with some story on the spot if really needed.

#postal dude #postal 2 #postal dude fanfic

49 notes · View notes

ystrike1 · 1 year

Text

Castehate - By Natsuno Yuzo (7/10)

Omegaverse. It's a dirty word, but sometimes authors do get creative with it. This one is weird. It takes place is a world where everybody has animal ears! The carnivores are cannibals and polygamy is normal and classmates in school eat each other constantly. Yeah.

The author for sure has a fetish for cannibalism.

I'm serious if you can't handle graphic cannibalistic lust do not read this. One character almost eats a baby.

Rurikawa is a wolf alpha who thinks of Betas (weaker animal hybrids) as food. He literally eats a student in his "school" once every two months or so. He can eat regular food, but he actually genuinely has to eat people to live. All Alphas do. His "school" isn't really a school. Alphas live unnaturally long lives. It's more like a residence where they do take classes, learn new things, and find mates.

Rurikawa comes from an ancient wolf family. His father thinks the heir should have a mate from a rare species. "Rare species" hybrids can have lots of kids.

Rurikawa's best buddy, Tsukuyomi, is clearly a rare species. He thinks he's a alpha, for some reason, even though he doesn't behave like one. Tsukuyomi is a snake with actual hearts on his tail. Tsukuyomi has actually given birth to lots of kids already. He wants to find a fated partner, but his partners always leave him to raise the children. Here's where it gets confusing. Lower ranked children age faster. That's another reason why Alphas see them as animals. There's a side chapter that shows Tsukuyomi has grandkids, and he has outlived several generations of children. He has never found love....but he's been living with Rurikawa for most of his life. Rurikawa is obviously his true love, but Rurikawa's true love is a terrifying monster.

Kyogo was born an ugly monster, but he managed to eat a dying alpha. That trigged an evolution. Now he's insanely attractive to Alphas, which is convenient because he needs to eat them to live. Rurikawa immediately falls in love with him.

Kyogo loves Tsukuyomi though. Plot twist. Yeah. Kyogo is the only monster around who isn't a moron. He knows Tsukuyomi is a rare species. He tracked Tsukuyomi's scent, and came for him specifically. He also catches feelings for Rurikawa, and they kinda become a polygamous couple....

Kinda...

Rurikawa is romantically in love with Kyogo. Tsukuyomi loves Rurikawa, but they're all attracted to each other. Their society is poly anyway there's no real problem here.

Kyogo tests Rurikawa. He says he'll have a baby with him...if he brings Tsukuyomi. He says he's going to eat Tsukuyomi. Rurikawa protects Tsukuyomi instead. He also says he will willingly feed Kyogo any other Alpha, just not Tsukuyomi. Anyway, Kyogo gets jealous. This is when he catches feelings for Rurikawa. He wants Tsukuyomi, but Rurikawa isn't afraid of his true form. By volume two Kyogo likes both of them.

Tsukuyomi is basically willing to put up with anything for Rurikawa so... hooray?

The sex parts of this are so rough that they kinda just look like more cannibalism. Why am I reading this? Well, the author tried. I respect the hustle. I do. The art is good, and you can't find anything else like this. All of the toxic feelings! The blatantly evil cannibal Alphas? The possessive love connected to eating?! The tragic lack of humanity the characters have because of their long lives and instincts?! This world kinda feels like a dystopia...ding ding we have a winner. It is! Everybody is obsessed with breeding because humanity died off. The only survivors are the most violent human/animal hybrids. Crazy stuff. Kyogo and Rurikawa aren't just boring possessive dudes. They're being controlled by their DNA and an alien society that no regular human could hope to survive in.

Ok.

Duh.

The rare species reveal was kinda funny. Like it's obvious. Kyogo confesses to Tsukuyomi again, and Tsukuyomi kinda warms up to him, but he so clearly just loves Rurikawa. Kyogo is a hungry monster. Rurikawa is a dutiful but DENSE Alpha who loves that monster. Being Tsukuyomi sucks, but he's safe. In this violent world he has two protectors. Kyogo is freakishly powerful, but he needs alot of live meat. Tsukuyomi and Rurikawa start feeding him normal food. It's implied that Kyogo is willing to settle down with them and give up some of his monster powers.

Yay?

Kyogo claims that his mutated body will die without Alpha meat, but it kinda gets glossed over. I know this is yaoi. I know I'm kinda not supposed to care, but I care more about the hybrid apocalypse setting. The poly romance is ok, ok? It's not that bad. Rurikawa and Kyogo both have sincere moments with Tsukuyomi. Kyogo is most definitely Tsukuyomi's stalker though. Also he might only love Tsukuyomi because of his smell...no...when they start interacting Kyogo thinks he's sweet. Maybe I just don't like Kyogo haha...

When the story begins we think Kyogo is the rare one. That was an ok plot twist. When Kyogo started eating Alphas it was genuinely shocking. All of the text about inheritance, breeding, stalking, cannibalism, death and the apocalypse is nearly impossible to follow. Read this if you want to see how weird Omegaverse can get. Is it good? No.

Is it boring?

No.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #yaoi #Castehate #body horror #werewolves #monster guy

74 notes · View notes

crystal-lillies · 20 days

Text

alice takes a peek down the rabbit hole; or, what happens when I accidentally find a grifter-type news article on a subject I love

the ugly snort I made when I stumbled across a headline proclaiming that U.S. Comic Books are failing because of "wokeness" but Manga is thriving instead...

no joke, I felt like H.Bomberguy setting up a bit before a 4-hour long video essay as I found this article on my "new tab screen."

and I had to read it because my first thought, of course, was, "My dude," (the author is a man) "where the fuck have you been? Manga has ALWAYS been much more left and progressive than most mainstream U.S. comic books! You shot yourself in the foot right there!"

But, of course, I wanted to see if that point got addressed, and what else this article had to say, despite knowing that it was not meant for my eyes. The first mistake was that it claimed that manga was imported "non-woke" material within the first two paragraphs, while then much later acknowledging that what "might be called wokeness" exists in manga, particularly in LGBT relationships, even citing the outcry when the Sailor Moon dub censored the ships baked into the text of the story.

Yet...the issue is that U.S. comic books that have been behind in the representation department on many intersectional departments are now working to introduce more of these elements, such as Riri Williams taking over for Tony Stark as Ironheart when Iron Man is no longer around, or that Luke Fox exists in the Batfamily...with all of the other Batfamily around...or that Carol Danvers isn't as much of a fucking sexy fantasy doll than she was made out to be before.

Put a pin in that.

Another point brought up is how at "one time," comic book shops catered to a specific, niche group of people (a mostly male-dominated, juvenile-seeming group) and certain fandoms' toxic behavior soured the image in the public's eye...but NOW the stigma has LONG been GONE! ...I'd need a citation for that, my dude. (there wasn't one)

despite how many people go to Comic Cons around the world, being a comic book geek is still an oft-ridiculed and niche thing (as is the same for manga and anime, but it's a lot easier to find manga in my local Target than most superhero comics). and while some kind comic book shops do go out of their way cater to everyone, as someone who is Not Male and Not Always "Stereotypically Geek"-Presenting, I've had my fair share of judgement for my presence in those spaces.

Now coming back to the pin...making U.S. comic books and superhero stories more aligned with a wider, more diverse, "woke" audience, just like the massively successful imported (supposedly "non-woke") manga have been doing for many years...that's the real problem as to why comic sales are seemingly doing badly, according to you, sir? Not anything to do with the fact that translated manga is at a better price point for the value page-count and quality-wise, which you cited, or the fact it is more widely available to general intersectional audiences, which you ALSO cited?

The cognitive dissonance gymnastics is really something to behold. Sometimes, you really have to see it for yourself, and wonder how these writers are missing the point they're unintentionally making.

But, of course, I'm far from the intended audience that already agrees with the blind defensive ragebait.

and I do feel like H.Bomberguy now after having brought my head out of the rabbit hole.

if I wasn't so averse and terrified of putting more of myself out on the internet...I could see how easy it would be to go insane and make a 4-hour long video essay.

#flowerspeak #long post #comics #manga #really how many times I had to hold back my ugly snorts of laughter and incredulity #batman #iron man #ironheart #carol danvers #captain marvel #sailor moon #luke fox #batwing #really the problem is that luke fox exists. there's a black batman now. my dude. do you know how many people are in the batfamily.#batman is ruined because the batfamily is so large now and bruce wayne cannot do everything all the time everywhere. wow.#hey buddy did you know tim burton wanted robin to be black. did you know he wanted marlon wayons to play him. did you know. in the 80s.#also he's so mad that carol has a different fucking haircut. i wheezed. she's been desexualized! to him! that's the issue!! ghdghd DUDE WHA #get OVER yourself dude. how have you written so much garbage and gotten paid for it. this is the shit that gets cited in griftTube videos #thank you hbomberguy for being the muse behind my brief trip into this conservative media rabbit hole

6 notes · View notes

lionheartslowstart · 1 year

Text

Secret Extrovert

In the process of unmasking, I’ve started doing “Energy Accounting.” In other words, I’ve been keeping track of what activities energize me, and what activities exhaust me. I’ve learned a number of interesting things about myself as a result of this exercise. Perhaps most interesting though, is the fact that “socializing” appears on both lists.

I started to think about why that might be. It’s definitely true. Whether I become lively or fatigued really depends on the context of the current social interaction. At first, I didn’t understand where the key difference came into play. But it hit me hard a few nights ago, after spending some time at my parents’ house.

Regardless of whatever the general consensus may be, I define social styles thusly: Extroverts are energized by social interaction, while introverts are exhausted by social interaction. Simple enough, right? Now, obviously human beings are fluid by nature, so most people are bound to experience both of these feelings/needs at various points in their lives. Still, I feel that the majority of people overwhelmingly fit in one category or another, that they at least “trend” in one direction more so than another.

I truly do love socializing. Or rather, I used to. I thrived on going to parties, meeting new people, spending time with friends and family, having long conversations, you name it. But as my mental health continued to deteriorate, and my rejection sensitivity had its ugly resurgence, I began to find these activities not only taxing, but terrifying. I began isolating myself, and dreading any form of long-term exposure to others. I didn’t feel like myself, but there was nothing I could do about it, and that made me sad.

The exception to this rule is when I’m intoxicated. When I’m under the influence, all my inhibitions cease to exist, and I become the friendliest, bubbliest, most outgoing and confident person in the room. I always just attributed that to a commonly experienced phenomenon, but now I’ve realized there’s more to it than that, at least, in my case. But I’ll elaborate on this particular subject in a bit. First, allow me to go back to the initial subject - my discovery of why “socializing” appears on both of my Energy Accounting lists.

The other night, when we went to my parents’ house, my boyfriend “Thomas” asked if we could only stay for an hour. He has to be up for work very early, plus, the commute between my parents’ home and our apartment is long. But we were already in the area, as the four of us had been at my Grandmother’s holiday party, and she lives pretty close to my parents. So we compromised. Well, it was my intention to compromise anyway. See, despite agreeing to only spending an hour with my folks, it ended up being more like two. It definitely wasn’t intentional, it’s just that we lose track of time when we’re together (even Thomas is guilty of this, since he really likes my parents), and then our saying goodbye always ends up being a whole thing.

Anyway, once we finally got on the road, I turned to Thomas to apologize. I expressed that, while it was indeed later than he would have liked, us leaving around 11 was actually huge compromise for me, considering I’m used to staying with my parents until 1, sometimes 2 in the morning! Of course I understand he needs to be up early, but it’s really hard for me to leave my folks. My parents and I are insanely close. I love spending time with them, whatever we’re doing. But it’s more than that. I went on to explain that I’m a profoundly lonely person. Yes, I have friends, but half of them live far away, and the other half are busy a lot of the time and have issues of their own to contend with. So spending time with my parents allows me to get my fill of socializing when I need it. And I do need it sometimes. Moreover, even when I do see my friends, it’s just different. I don’t necessarily feel like I can completely let my guard down with them. But with my parents...

And then, I stopped talking. Something clicked into place. And for the first time, I realized not only why I spend so much time with my parents, but why “socializing” is on both of those lists.

I don’t mask with my parents. They may be two of the only people in the world that I feel completely safe with, and like I don’t have to put on anything at all. My parents love me unconditionally. All of our issues aside, I know that, I feel that. I can be anyone or anything and I know they will always love me. So I let it all go. I can RELAX. But with almost every single other person in my life, I have to mask, at least to some degree.

There are probably one or two friends that I don’t need to mask around, but I’m not there yet, even with those that I’ve known seemingly forever. Experience and trauma have taught me that, no matter how close I am with someone, I always need to mask just a little bit, lest I be rejected.

That’s also why I feel energized when I socialize while under the influence. Because my inhibitions are gone. I don’t feel the need to mask. Or, maybe I’m not able to. Either way, it doesn’t happen. I’m just being myself, having fun, and thriving off of social interaction.

But obviously, I’m not intoxicated all the time. Or really, very often at all. So for the most part, spending time with my parents is how I get the most fulfilling social interaction. Because I don’t have to work for it. It’s one of the few times I can truly enjoy interpersonal exchanges, and why I gain energy from them.

And you know what that tells me? I am, in fact, an extrovert. Because I DO gain energy from socializing. When I’m able to socialize like a normal person. Which I can only do with the people I can completely unmask with. Namely, my parents.

I can safely say that Thomas has been added to this very short list. We live together, and it’s just not possible for me to mask 24/7. Plus, he makes me feel so safe and loved, so it’s easy for me to let go and just be me. My mother’s sisters are two more people I have almost completely stopped masking around. I’ve been spending a lot more time with them in the last year, and we’ve grown extremely close. I feel confident that they also love me unconditionally and find me truly delightful (my mother’s words). I don’t foresee rejection from them, though I’m still working towards letting go 100%.

But that’s really it. There isn’t anyone else I feel safe or comfortable enough with to fully unmask around. At least, not currently. That may change, and I sincerely hope it does, but I know it will take time. It kind of sucks, to not be able to be your full self with most of the people in your life. And I know, I know, people say “you should do it anyway,” but that’s just how it works. If you’re autistic, I’m sure you understand.

In conclusion, it’s not that socializing depletes my energy. It’s that MASKING depletes my energy. If I didn’t ever have to mask, I’d be a full blown extrovert. I could spend so much of my time meeting new people, and spending time with my friends. I could go out and recharge my battery so easily, whenever I wanted.

Wouldn’t that be nice.

#autistic #autism #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #neurospicy #mental health #mental health awareness #personal #extrovert #extroversion #extroverted #family #friendship

9 notes · View notes

creep-online · 1 year

Text

top ten(??) hottest men (or not men i'm not really keeping track here)

this is in no particular order by the way

tesla from manmade horrors (specifically human ver but this applies to their personality in general)

art and chara by @/ecto-hazard

right off the bat they are not a man but i'm gonna count a transmasc. anyway tall. so very tall. so smart and so so insane and crazy stupid. the perfect mix. basically dr. frankenstein but cooler. idk they're just hot. I WANT THEM SO BAD teehee. i would be their little science experiment. i'd eat a glowing glass of science liquid and get a brain tumor as a side effect. i'd let them dissect me for funny. anyway.

viktor strobovski (you can't tell but i spelled that perfectly the first time) from advanced education with viktor strobovski

i was obsessed with him for a short while idk why man. maybe it's cuz he tries to murder you super hard. and the mask. i genuinely can't explain this one. why is this the second fucking guy. but like have you seen his revamped sprite? gentlemanly.

goblin slayer from goblin slayer

this anime is kinda bad but. stoic. tall. very strong. super autism. you can't see his face. what is there not to love? i want to be held by him. i want to watch him kill stuff for me. i support this guy's decision to murder all goblins due to trauma.

bondrewd from made in abyss

(mild? spoilers) he may experiment on children but GOD DAMN he sure is a unit. just all the fucked up shit this guy does. i haven't finished the show but i like carnally need him. however i did see a small preview of his like eye or something like there was a crack in his mask and it made him 70% less hot. NEVER reveal his face, i'm begging, it will always unsexify a motherfucker. (EDIT) i've seen more of the movie, and he gets scarier. still hot

ozen from made in abyss

same aesthetic as bondrewd but no mask. at least bondrewd is friendly this bitch is HEARTLESS (which makes her extremely attractive) and is always smiling while being horrible. also commits felonies upon children but in different ways. again she's like horrible but somehow not as bad as bondrewd. i want her.

popee from popee the performer

HEAR ME OUT OKAY he's just like. yeah. idk. there's just something about him and i can't describe it so just stfu okay. he's fucking crazy and that's attractive. not to mention nonbinary icon apparently.

fujimoto from ponyo

HE'S JUST SO. Y'KNOW??? i think this is the first genuinely nice character on this list. he's seen as a villain for most of the movie but he just loves his kid!! and his massive sea wife! he's so fucking underrated and also i need him. i need my old wizard man. he's so fucking hot.

elias bouchard from the magnus archives

art by ggracee (tumblr), Admirable-Ladder-684 (reddit), i can't find the last one sorry

okay i really hate elias because it is elias, but i'm not gonna deny how attractive he is. we don't know what he looks like so he could be ugly, but some of the designs people make of him is like UGH. but his personality is horrible i want to crazy murder him.

chef saltbaker from cuphead

OMG I WANT HIM. he's so hot. I LOVE HIS CRAZY FACE he's so hot he's a BAKER he could kill me so fast he tries to murder children he gets a redemption arc he has an adorable smile and he's deranged. NEED A MAN LIKE THAT

michael from the magnus archives

art by @/bernard-the-rabbit, @/conmansart, @/metaphorparadox

not helen btw (sorry) just distortion michael. he's just kinda hot and has big hair and big knife hands! i love his voice and his laugh it's so soothing and terrifying, i want him to hold me with his knife hands. too bad he's all dead and turned into helen but like before that he was great. we should have had more michael ffs.

I'M MAKING PART TWO BECAUSE IT WON'T LET ME PUT MORE PICTURES KJFKJHAG

#rey babbles a lil #i'm not tagging this i don't want people finding it #this has been in my drafts for months #posts like this make me understand that i basically only like men #only a little bit bisexual #long post

2 notes · View notes

creationfathers · 3 months

Note

just a few of amber's words from 7 hours ago (on instagram @ misha)

"because I'm actually leaving.. I need you to know one thing.. If you ever feel alone or depressed during the months of me detaching know that we are that much closer to seeing each other again. You need to be strong Misha. do not give up on life. I am here. on the other side... I will die without you misha. I love you so much I will die if you don't make it through the next stages. And trust me they are going to be ugly, raw, bloody... I will have to push through and pray that you are still there hanging on to life. I promise you, you can't loose me. We will see each other again... I don't know when. And I don't know where... but I need you in my life baby... fuck the world. yes fuck them. I'm scattering it all out there to show you I'm here and you're not fucking crazy this is real! We are real.. And I'll always be here. Please.. don't loose faith."

"come to me... at what you believe to be at your worst. I want to touch you. I want it to be just us. Come to me at your worst."

"Touch is how I communicate. I'm a physical person, very physical.. and I've never had to wait for anyone."

"this is a test of our faith. do not falter under the pressure."

"people think I'm delusional. But call me crazy, I saw it in your eyes. I saw it not once but twice. don't you dare lie to me. Say it. Say you're in love with me. Not online. Say it before I leave, not because you "have to" but because I know you need to release..... you are scared. Who wouldn't be? Your soul breathing and living and walking in another body? Who wouldn't be fucking terrified."

"misha I am begging you. BEGGING you.. to take a chance with me. That address I gave you, if you ever want to see me- even if it's legitimately been 2 years later- you're still invited. Come hop on an airplane. Free room and board. this is your other house anyways since you are me in another body. That invitation won't expire... I have your f*cking name tattooed over my heart. And the red string of fate on my ring finger. This is real. very real."

"I want to make raw disgusting love with you I can't take it anymore! And on top of that I want to have your babies. I want the entire shitstorm!!! I know you have two kids and I have 3.. But I want to make your problems, my problems!"

"I want to kiss you and make love to you. Smothering yet gentle. God fuck my body is craving your presence. I want to feel the warmth of your body pressed against mine. I want you to fucking touch me"

"Baby boy please.. please don't just disappear I love you so much please listen to what I'm sending you... I can't handle this alone it's SSOOO INTENSE."

"FUCK THIS FUCKING JOURNEY. You like me when I’m psycho! It’s when you retract your energy, that’s when you get your rocks off. I’m here on the other side like a sling-shot , completely retracted by your pull and tug…. WELL TWO CAN PLAY THE DETOX GAME! Let’s see who can fall out of love first! I hope it’s you! because it’s NEVER GOING TO BE ME."

there is a lot more. she was posting this shit for HOURS. copying and pasting on all social media platforms. I guess after a while she must've passed out.

OH MY GOD... The desperation to have someone who doesn't want you is insane

0 notes

xsadcorebenji · 9 months

Text

the only truth to my life

is just an endurance test

zeus had

eagles devour prometheus’s innards

repeatedly for an eternity

for simply bringing

the gift of fire

(“stolen” i mean ripped from the hands of such ugly tyrants)

and i wonder

is it

so bad,

that visceral physical punishment over and over

at least

someone loves you prometheus

you brought us all

a bouquet of fires

a crisis hotline person i called to keep me company

told me

that they commend me for just going through so much loss

please, i never asked

for such an endurance test and i didn’t ask for strength

i am doing my best not to be as bitter as so many people

i really try my damnedest

i don’t care if

a goddamn person in the world loves me anymore

or thinks anything kind for me

i just don’t want to be

anyone i’m blood related to

just too radically different peoples

i am so tired

i had a good night last night

and a good day during the day

but can the universe stop

fucking destroying itself after a cycle of two days every third day

there’s only so much

i know i get angry and i’m a rather difficult person to be with

but

i wish you saw me for the kind parts

i work so terribly hard to be kind however

i cannot tell what you’d consider kind from your perspective

i just never wanted to be like my family

kinda why i always just joke and talk about everything regardless of how comfortable or conscientious it is

i grew up with no one except for ppl who just bottled themselves up and turned themselves into landkinds

and they consider me

the biggest landmine

in this life

i worked very damn hard

to be someone unlike them

and i have friends who love me

and i don’t know

so many ppl want someone to tell that they’re proud of them or all these very kind things

i don’t want kind words,

i just wanted someone to love me deeper than i can love me

just hold my hand

from time to time

my thoughts always goes to a younger different version of you from the early days

whenever i am tired and lonely

i once had someone

who wanted to hold my hand during

good times and not so good times

hold my hand

just hold my hand

i just wanted

someone to hold my hand

during all of this

you once told me

during a day when i as reacting to an article i found infuriating

wrote a whole vent to the world

and you told me

you loved me because i always stuck to my guns regardless

just brazenly

and it’s hard to forget about

therapist

says i don’t really give a chance to let ppl to grow to love me

and i truly don’t

i loved that you wanted me around

even when no one else

really wanted me around

a hand to hold

i cried my entire life

for a hand to hold

still crying it seems

i don’t know or care to know who you are anymore

i just

really terribly miss

that person who loved me

all the time actually

just a phantom memory

a phantom heartbeat

i write so many metaphors and all these fantastical romantic soliloquies

i wish you never loved me sometimes

name a worst drug than the oxytocin produced by the warmth of romantic love

there isn’t one

what a terrifying addiction

and my goodness

the withdrawals

are exhausting

terrible night

just ironic

how you can be so fucking aggressive

and have someone reassure and shoo away all the guilt you have festering

and me,

i have to stand there

constantly and just let everyone think i’m a monster

a bastard

and just because

you think my partaking of psychiatric medication is an inconvenience for you

christ

it is horrifying unfair

how easily

everyone wants you just because beauty standards

what good heart do you even possess

fucking god i never saw it

blood strings between us

and me

no one

loves me

like that

i miss

my old night stand lamp

telling each other good night after talking on skype

and reading 1q84

into the late hours

after you fell asleep

this lamp next to me

sleeping next to you over skype

who was the person who loved me so terribly

who was that person

she loved me so terribly

i loved her

too

but

i think i must’ve imagined everything

it just sounds so insane

especially now

in a world where everyone is so hurt and burned out

just no love or curiosity for one another

or rather

no curiosity for me it seems

i loved her

i didn’t want

anyone else

who even were you

why did you want to know me so much

who was that person

i don’t even know anymore

i’m so sad without her actually

i can still have fun

i can still laugh

and i can still cry and i can still have fun and i can still love myself

but she’s gone

she’s gone

that person who loved me is gone

i wish i could call her

i wish

i knew where to find anyone like her

she’s gone and fox is gone

and i am the saddest i’ve ever known

baby

the person that loves me doesn’t have a name anymore

i can only name myself but it surely is getting boring

baby

i loved her

who even was she?

that person

who loved me

please

hold my hand

my heart and chest hurts a lot

and i just don’t want to be alone

baby

where are you?

i am so alone

i want to love you

i wish you’d

show yourself anyone

someone

please

someone hold my hand please

tell me you love me please

i’m so tired

of watching everyone sympathize with that terrifying person

and me

i have

no one but a mirror

o god

my heart hurts

#personal

0 notes

dagothventing · 9 months

Text

It feels almost strange, not being able to talk to you anymore. I feel no remorse for what I did, leastways as far as myself and my mental state are concerned.

What i feel for you, though? Endlessly lingering doubts, wonderings. Was any of this real for you? Perhaps it was too real. Your “love” for me became akin to obsession near the end: a stifling, strangling thing. Clawing, gnashing, ripping, tearing at me. Begging me to stay. Begging me to keep you around.

But I couldn’t. For either of us.

We’ve both suffered our collateral damages. I’d like to say I lost that boy, the one that latched himself to me all those years ago. But I’d be lying. I felt him drifting long before he came to the edge of the waterfall, taking whatever memories we shared together down into the plummeting depths where neither of us could reach the other again.

Not that I’d want to. Even when it turns out I was right about you. A dog he might be, but loyalty he still needs to learn. I’ve already forgiven him, but because of us, he is forsaken. I will not reach an apologetic and understanding hand out to him. I will not risk betrayal at his hand again.

For my sake. I won’t.

I wish I could say I miss you. But that would be a lie too. We both changed within the last year. Our paths diverged, and your desperation to keep them converged is what terrified me in the opposite direction. I don’t think I’d intended for it to be permanent, not like this. But that desperation, that lack of understanding as to the time I needed to heal and figure myself out again, it made me want to have nothing to do with you. It was an ugly side of you I never wanted to see. But then again, you’ve seen your fair share of ugly sides from me. You still found “love” for me.

I couldn’t do the same.

You might think it’s heartless. Maybe you’d be right. If I cared to listen to the lingering languages of your manipulations, I might think myself heartless too. But the whispers don’t bother me like I thought they would. I know myself. I know the truth. Everyone else sees it, your erratic behavior, bordering on psychotic.

Everyone but you and the few people whose perspectives you’ve twisted beyond all belief. Sycophants.

Now I wonder what the truth is between you and Alejandra. Not that it matters now. A certain quote keeps ringing in my head.

“I'm beginning to wonder that if, when we call a woman crazy, we should take a look at the man by her side, and guess at what he has done to drive her to insanity.”

I wonder if she truly was crazy, if you drove her to insanity, or if it’s an awful cocktail of the two. I suppose I’ll never know.

And yes, your behaviors reminded me of my sperm donor’s.

You have no idea the horrors etched into my mind since I was a child. You have no idea what it’s like for someone who never loved you to use you to get back at someone who does. You’ve never been cannon fodder for a master manipulator, a true narcissist, like I have.

You have no idea how horrifying it was to watch someone I loved, someone whom I wanted so badly to marry, turn into the monster that haunted my nightmares since I was a child. A monster I thought I’d grown out of being afraid of.

It’s funny how the darker parts of life have ways of dredging those accursed memories back from the depths of whatever high security mental vault you shoved them into. You have no idea the instability I’m experiencing again because of you and him.

I barely eat or drink. I’ve been having blood sugar lows so badly, I feel like I might faint. Mom’s worrying, and so is my tribe. I’m glad I can sleep, but even then, my dreams are plagued by varying, vivid prophetic dreams. If it’s not the lack of appetite that makes me nauseous, it’s the dreams. If not the dreams, then the lack of appetite.

It’s a vicious circle I cannot escape from.

#dagoth vents

0 notes

roadkillbppy · 1 year

Text

constantly torn between “I’m cute and everyone wants me” and “I’m disgusting no one notices me” and also constantly battling “I want to tell them everything all at once” and “I can’t open up the door or else what if I disappoint them or they try to hurt me or all the possible things” and like.. I feel flirtatious and then I’ll go through these arguments with myself and I come back to like holding out for someone I don’t even know the name of and I think ultimately I’m just insane and a big bundle of red flags that no one should have to deal with. I think I need to learn to deal with being alone because.. because I don’t want to open up again. I don’t want all the hurting I don’t want the possibilities of lettting someone down again and what if they find out they don’t like me because I’m an ugly evil freak.

but then I get stressed and distraught and I come back to wishing someone would hold me and touch my hair and hold my hand while we grocery shop. I miss intimacy so badly but I’m fucking terrified of all the things. Is this what people feel like when they crash a motorcycle and are too scared to ride again? How come I can pick a bike up and keep riding with injuries for two years straight but I can’t move on from a bad relationship and date anyone at all for four going on like five years? I like being alone I’m trying really hard to better myself bc I need the attention from my inner self but I’m so lonely I want to be held so bad. I want someone who I can trust and my trust is so thin now.. I hardly even trust myself anymore but I’m not allowed to tap out bc I have to be responsible :/ I’m probably not the only person that feels this way. I should be happy I’ve loved at all. It feels cruel though. Feels like a drug I’m scared of getting addicted to again

0 notes

mobbu-min · 2 years

Note

hi! can I request yandere hc for Bertholdt and reiner from AOT? just being possessive and jealous, thanks

A/N: Did this take forever? Yes. Did I totally misread the prompt and had to start over? Also yes

Characters: Bertholdt and Reiner -> Attack on Titan

!WARNING! Yandere Content, jealousy, possessiveness, obessessiveness, brief mentions of smut, gaslighting, humilations, worshipping, infantilization, clingy behavior

~Yan!Bertholdt and Reiner being possessive and jealous of their s/o~

Reiner:

▪ You will never get a moment alone with this man. No matter what personality he takes on, he’s basically just a big guard dog.

▪ A clingy, overprotective, and possessive dog that won’t let you out of his sight for a moment. He constantly has his arm wrapped around your waist or shoulders. Or holding your hand so tightly, you're positive that there will be bruises.

▪ He is constantly getting in your personal bubble, especially if you're both out in public. And if anyone, and I mean anyone, dares even to look your way, Reiner is sending the nastiest glare towards the person. His grip on your waist is tightening and he practically shoves you into his large chest.

▪ And if they try to talk to you, oh boy! It's going down.

▪ Reiner will not hesitate to bring you into the most sloppiest, messiest kiss ever. His hands traveling up and down your body with no shame. Gripping and tugging anywhere he can. Really he has no shame.

▪ Gets really clingy after you drag him away.

▪ He won’t necessarily show it but man is super insecure.

▪ So it ends in one of two ways:

▪ You bent over the nearest surface with his looming frame behind you pounding into you like no tomorrow. The most desperate pleas are covered by dirty talk whispering into your ear. And he won’t stop until he has you screaming his name, voice hoarse and raspy.

▪ You most likely won’t be able to walk the next day.

▪ Or Reiner clinging onto your waist begging you to say you love him. Say that you’d never leave him, that you’ll give you life to be with him. To reassure him that you’d always stay with him.

▪ It doesn’t really end pretty if you refuse. Reiner, despite how hard he restrains himself, does fall into the violent category. And as much as you don’t want to blame him, and blame the people who drilled the idea that violence will lead to victory, you can’t say that you aren’t terrified when he gets that look in his eyes. A look of total desperation, leaning on insanity.

▪ Reiner is not the type of person you want losing control. Especially not to jealousy.

Bertholdt:

▪ Another overprotective dog.

▪ He has this idea in his head that he’s the only one that should be allowed near you. To see you, feel you and hear you.

▪ So it's not often that he’d get jealous(mostly because he never lets you out-) but when he is it's incredibly terrifying.

▪ Bertholdt is driven by paranoia and anxiety, so the moment that someone gets next to you, he is not taking any chances and is whisking you away. The bone shatter grip on your wrist leaves ugly purple bruising.

▪ The moment you get back to the confines of your home, his hands are all over you and your back is squished against the nearest wall. His tall frame towering over you and his face nuzzled in your neck. His hot breath fanned across the sensitive skin.

▪ Bertholdt isn’t going to say anything. Just stand there until his heart is down racing. Until the sight of that menace nearing you is out of his mind. Until his mind is filled with you and solely you.

▪ Now, what he chooses to do after is what scares you.

▪ He either makes you stay isolated in your room for days on end, not even allowing you to do anything yourself. Bertholdt intends to do everything for you. Feeding you, dressing you, bathing you. Really it's humiliating on your part, but he doesn’t give you much of a choice.

▪ Or he’ll talk an innocent, much less humiliating approach, and just cuddle with you for hours on end. Till you lose all blood circulation. He places all his weight onto you making it impossible to move an inch.

▪ Sometimes, he takes to caressing your body without a care. Riling you up until you're a whimpering mess. Begging him to get to it and actually touch you where it matters.

▪ He’ll smile down at you. Green eyes, trinklings and face flushed. Bertholdt will ask for constant, which is really just for him to feel pleased with himself that he’s worthy to touch you in such a way, before slipping his hand into your underwear. Hearing your moans and whimperings helps clear his mind of any bad thoughts for earlier.

▪ Just you, his goddess, all sweet and nice in his grasp.

#yandere aot x reader #yandere aot #yandere attack on titan x reader #yandere attack on titan #yandere reiner braun #yandere reiner x reader #yandere bertholdt #yandere bertholdt x reader

587 notes · View notes