#trying to find a job fucking SUCKS

[violentfag]

.

#i really need to start medications again #(for my depression specifically) #but god i’ve tried so many diff pills and i RLLY don’t wanna have to go thru #the struggle of stopping and starting a new med every 3 months bc nothing ever works on me #im trying to get a job rn…i don’t want to be dealing with gross medicine side effects #also #trying to find a job fucking SUCKS #if i have to work at a busy restaurant kitchen again i might as well kms #i am not built for that shit .

[wildflowercryptid]

trying to job hunt makes me want to rip out my hair. they expect you to jump through 15 different hoops just to apply to something w/ dogshit pay & hours only to never even send you a rejection email.

#motherfuckers expecting you to work full time for $12 an hour that barely covers rent in my area #how the fuck am i supposed to move out when these are the conditions of things?? #i feel like a fucking failure of an adult bc i'm still stuck at home jobless but look at the state of things!!! #i wanna focus on my portfolio but i still need a job #BUT i also know that working exhausts me physically and mentally so i can't even spend my free time to draw #it just fucking sucks!!!!!!! #sorry i need to vent for a sec #trying to find remote work that doesn't sound sketchy just left me feeling upset #mj.txt #cw vent

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.

#so ive been in a bad mental state lately #because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts) #that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own #which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them #and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too #i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful #and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing #and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas #and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom #so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset #and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?' #its not good. but i havent acted on anything #AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds #i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again #i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best #im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it #but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard #so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk #btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am #and im full of manic energy #tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room

[moregraceful]

I had a good meeting today, I want that on record. I want it on record that I had a good meeting. I had a meeting that did NOT make me want to take to the sea in a little rowboat.

#my job is so much fun when i am like. ALLOWED TO DO IT #like it's a cool job!! i get to do reference work that helps people!! i get to advocate for my coworkers!! i get to help people #so that they can feel secure and empowered to do incredibly hard and meaningful work!! #but since november it's been like meeting after meeting of the most insane bullshit presented in the most therapized words by #the fucking executive team and it's just like. ok i am just some guy like my job is not to call bullshit on the executive director #so i love when i have a meeting with someone who is just like my living situation sucks and i need some help getting out. LIKE YEAH!! #I WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU GET INTO HOUSING THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER!!! I WOULD LOVE TO MAKE SURE YOU FEEL SAFE #RATHER THAN LISTEN TO SEVERAL 45YO WOMEN ON THE EXECUTIVE TEAM TRY TO THERAPIZE THEIR WAY THROUGH HOSTILE MANAGEMENT!! #fresno oilers.txt #i was explaining my job to someone once and they were like so you're basically the union...but like you're not union. and i was like yeah 🥲 #neither hr nor the union but a secret third thing (vibes guy finding low cost therapy and telling people to take their lunch breaks)

[running-in-the-dark]

it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

#long rambly post sorry #I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time #I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful #but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it #also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified. #not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that #but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again. #I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months. #and at my part time job I only lasted a month #like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting #I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible. #but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important #it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with #people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit. #so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together #fuuuuck this #😭 #personal

[luvsavos]

i deserve financial compensation for the amount of fucking hoops i had to jump through to enable tipping on here

#mar.txt #this is /j obviously i'm just trying to be lighthearted to cope with the Anger ha ha ha :) #oh the urge to throw my phone as hard as possible into a hard surface. but i cannot. not Yet at least. but once i get a job and can get a #new one......... this one's getting destroyed through Brute Force :) #lets see how many times did i have to re-login and redo Everything because the verification thing wouldn't accept my id picture bc it was #'too blurry' so i had to take a picture with my phone camera but i had to clear app caches first because this phone is constantly at 99-100 #storage space. but Then because it fucking sucks ass and if i Breathe in the direction of another app whatever app i just tabbed off of #crashes and i have to reopen it. i had to log back in Again which meant waiting for the text message verification code Again (i live in the #middle of nowhere with a phone that Refuses to use the wifi for calls/texts and instead only uses the shitty cell service) #because Apparently tumblr users aren't allowed to stay logged in nor log in with a password. and Then i had to take a picture of the back #of my id too and i tried using my phone camera straight from the gallery option when i clicked upload. but because my phone sucks That also #crashed my browser and made me log back in. this isnt even counting btw how many times i TRIED to do it through tumblr but it kept stalling #and making me back all the way out log all the way back in and wait on it again for it to go further so i said fuck it and went to my #browser to do it. so i log back in and then i find out not only did attempting to take that picture crash my browser but it didnt even #actually TAKE the picture. so i have to click back over to my camera app Again and take the picture Again and log back in and wait the eons #it takes for things on this phone to load AGAIN. and then i Finally. FINALLY get it completed. #oh but did you think that was all? oh no i STILL had to log back in and load all the way back in Again through tumblr one final time to tel #the app i had done all that! and THEN i could turn tipping on. right? #no. i then had to close the app and reopen it again for it to Let me enable it. otherwise it just tried to take me back to stripe then #proceeded to give me an error message when i tried. great job tumblr #anyways that was infuriating #lmao i forgot to finish the original thought and check #anyways. around 7 or 8 times. that took almost a half hour of struggling i'm pretty sure. enraging☺

[soldier-poet-king]

Expericing the Horrors this morning in SO many different ways.

Like. Having to acknowledge my compulsive people pleasing and the way it fuels my martyr complex, even tho mostly I simply Do Not See It and pretend it's a virtue or doesn't exist. My notions of Duty and Obligation, which are good and my only reason to keep going sometimes, are also morphing into a genuine obsession and fueling said inability to say no or even thinking I'm allowed to say no. Wrestling with the fact that sm of this is an attempt to remain in control of the situation, to keep people placated bc they can't get mad at me then, but also still living with my parents who made me like this in the first place, because that's the best financial decision for me rn. Guilt or anxiety or whatever about the fact that my coping mechanisms/thoughts could be worse but also could definitely be uh..better. ongoing frustration with work and my workplace. [Redacted] happening suddenly at work this morning, which while not impacting me directly, has definitely made all of these emotions Worse.

#franposting #u can ignore this i just needed to write it out so it wouldnt be in my brain #or would be like. less in my brain #unfortunately i have to go actually so my job #probably just gonna put on tmg and try not to freak out #its uh. oh. realizing i am not doing as well as i thought i had been. or im backsliding a lot #its like yes i am better and autonomous and independent #and yet i am 27 and people pleasing and afraid and still a desperate child wanting everyone to get along and stop being cranky #terrified of the unpredictability of it and the passive aggression #so ofc my job is to rake myself over hot coals for everyone elses comfort. bc if i do that they wont be mad and wont be mean to anyone else #if I just suck up all the badness in myself itll spare everyone else yknow #and besides. what else am i good for? yknow? like. im just me. i have to make up for my existence somehow #the rational part of myself is very small and realizes this is absolutely fucked #but yknow. what else is there. what other evidence is there that life can be different. for me at least #there is nothing new under the sun. everything stays the same. etcetcetc #ah well. theres little joys i can find in the meantime. stay sane. stay kind and good even if im turning myself into a non person

[chronotopes]

WHY do no virginia colleges have nonfiction mfa programs except for the one i don't really like the nonfiction faculty at. it's not fucking fair.

(warning so much whining occurs in the tags)

#i am 90% confident that i could get into that one first try and get funding and not have to move but that's the problem #i want one where admission feels like a challenge this one admitted a person i knew in freshman year whose writing i thought sucked shit #and i realize that 'writing sucked shit in 2018' doesn't mean they might not be very good now but...... idk. one of the two nonfiction #faculty members just writes politics journalism which is NOT CNF!!!!!! the students seem really cool but that's true anywhere!! #but everything else i have to move states and risk jennys career for. and i dont want to do low res bc i wanna learn to teach #i realize that it's just a case of 'you want too fucking much katia' but it's not faaaair va has so many good colleges & no good cnf progra #the real answer is i will apply when i planned (a year from this fall) and let fate decide and jenny is smart and cool and will find a job #with the awareness that i'm limiting my mfa applications to large metropolitan areas for reasons besides Job Availability For Wife #it's just all so complicated and stressful #and to add insult to injury pittsburgh would be way easier than the midwest but THAT TOO has professors i like less #and faculty is key yknow #anyway the school i'm dunking on here will probably be my safety regardless i'd rather have An MFA than none at all i think #but bluhhhh it makes me sad #i would happily go to tech or uva if they HAD A CNF PROGRAM #well okay maybe moreso uva but only because tech is in the middle of nowhere #RIGHT AND ALSO UMD #WHICH FUNDS 100% OF THE PEOPLE IT ACCEPTS BUT AGAIN: NO NONFICTION #i shoulda been a fucking poet

[purplethespian]

Filling out this stupid employment record form as part of my job application and it’s actually pissing me the fuck off. It asks for everything from the last 7 years and also specifies that my resume should not be treated as a substitute for filling out the form. So I have to be detailed in describing all the job/volunteer shit I’ve done SINCE 2017

This is such fucking bullshit. I just graduated from college so between now and 2017 I have had nine different jobs (if you include my leadership roles in various organizations). It has been over an hour since I started writing everything out and I’m only halfway done

AGH!!!

#zoe posts #life updates with zoe #i fucking hate the process of trying to find a job this shit sucks #just hire me i will literally be so good at this job #job hunting woes

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags

#vent #rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out #rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee -> #i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up #i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!! #maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh #i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it #takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck] #maybe ill open an etsy shop?? #i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits #ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone #but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely #i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop #scratches head #i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell #concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things #that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg #i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely #CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire* #working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no #safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it #feel like im just making excuses to not get a job #i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to. #actually sell to customers you know #ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my #best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make #AUHGHG #i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me. #i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably #probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this

[medicinemane]

And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"

I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse

And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa

And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house

I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished

...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)

And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff

There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government

No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)

Like have some accountability there and in every situation

Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free

If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off

I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)

But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced

Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around

I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)

...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change

(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)

(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)

#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem #shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide #what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne #...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain #and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make #but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves #not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here' #it's sick; it truly is #but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better #we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair #only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide #the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same #you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help #that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink #get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope #we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said #'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die' #I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up #I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure #and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty #my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows) #...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more... #and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet #it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last #...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind #I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die #and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income #given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now #mm tag so i can find things later

[dockaspbrak]

A big thank you to my mutuals who like my nervous breakdown 2-4am posts. You're the backbone of my blog

#its like im not completely alone #idk #what losing a cat does to a woman i guess but #lets be real i was like this before #im just a sad person who laments more than takes action and #i think ill be sad forever probably #in that way some people are #i feel like im one reality over from where im supposed to be yakno? #i used to have this image id hold onto of leaves in the sunlight when i was a kid and i kept waiting for someone to talk to me who #would take me wherever that was #maybe thats the nature of never fitting in u get too in your head and then #reality doesnt feel like home #yeah ive heard people say shit like that sbout books #sorry im not wearing my glasses #lately days blend together and i feel like i cant hold into time #and people talking to me (when they do) sounds miles away #takes ages to get to me if it does at all #oops! sounds like im dissociating hahahahaah oh fuck #when u write it all out. stares at ya right in the face #if im not doing something it feels like my anxiety will latch onto anything #like. rn i feel like im gonna throw up bc of like 5 different things about my car #car insurance. registration. trying to find a job #then it spirals into what ifs. and how thatd suck #constantly this shit. constantly! the only reprieve is going to hang w my grandmother who is 90 and talking about death a lot #😵‍💫 #but shes my best friend so ???! fuck! #man idk. im so sad. idek what to do abt this. work out #maybe get a new actor to have a crush on #what makes people happy? idk

[hybridkilljoys]

I know people say youre never too old to improve your art but hoh boy does it suck when burnout has made it impossible to improve as an artist as much as you wanted to in the past ten years and now im slowly accepting im going to feel like a mediocre artist forever :')

#And yeah my art is Ok #better than it was before but like #i am just so disappointed i havent improved as much as i wanted and also having a narcissist father who for years has discouraged my art #journey and he isnt subtle about thinking its a waste and how i should find a better career that gets me money faster #But my guy i am so fucking burnout and just not the brightest of people i am not fit for anything But art #and if i cant succeed in this field literally what is left for me #work some shitty retail job until i die? #literally worst fear #it also sucks bc being stuck in two soul sucking food service jobs in my late teens and early twenties made #trying to improve my art nearly impossible bc i was always so tired and so burnout and ive still felt like this even after quitting idk #point it ive tried but i havent tried enough but i dont have the energy to try more but if i dont try more im just going to keep being #a mediocre artist in my eyes and will never accomplish anything memorable #idk #i forgot where i was going w this but ig im just tired of feeling stagnant as an artist and not having the strength to fix it #Im just tired dude i wanna enjoy drawing again but everything feels like a chore

[jocelynships]

I don’t want to live in the real world. Respectfully. Fuck this shit. I’d much rather deal with super villains at this point.

#Joce.vent #kind of #I’m just over fucking everything #people suck society sucks I suck #I’m not good enough or feel good enough for anything #I’m fully expecting to get a rejection letter for this job #I can barely keep up with my current one #I just hope no one talks to me the rest of the night #they’re gonna find someone better and I’m going to be a cycle of hoping and wishing I could do something different #and whenever I try I get rejected

[dylawas-reblogs]

me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--

my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with

me:

#dylawa rambles #dylawa rants #this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money #i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again #'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then #why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is #literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service #it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all #it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily! #i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this #is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not #the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side #i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make #but good fuck it's better than food service or retail #but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it #very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit #I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again #i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory #A) it would make my current work commute twice as long #B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret #not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live #but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not' #because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird. #I want to burn all bridges someday! #but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action #I'm so sick of being stuck dawg! #dylawa vents

[pepprs]

hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.

#purrs #the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships #are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings are #PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on #EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!! #the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im done #forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths. #but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole #THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot th #the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i #im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally #never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be a #and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not #regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! #and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that #there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold of #him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely #if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im just #grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help fr #from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effective #effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT #STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT #OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!! #delete later #my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and #compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i #swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD