#to the point that it's something i'm working on in therapy

[sysmedsaresexist]

What you're doing is incredibly brave. We really appreciate the risk you're taking sharing your journey. It's awesome to see someone so vocal and with such reach openly change their stance.

We wanna know some of your thoughts about something you've been saying in all of this, about CDDs being separate from endogenic plurality. Specifically, your thoughts on when the two do meet. Like, endogenic systems that get traumatized and develop CDD symptoms? Or CDD systems that practice headmate creation, and find created headmates working like the rest of their system? Or folks in either category that relate a lot with those in the other?

We're curious because we exist in that in-between; a system with DID due to trauma, but that doesn't view our plurality itself as coming from trauma.

And if you're not at all interested in that area of overlap, or in sharing those thoughts, no worries! Have a great day!

This is a pretty nuanced ask and each mod has a different view on things, so we'll all answer!

Mod Signal: I believe that endogenic plurality and the plurality found in CDD systems works differently, but that intersection you're talking about can exist. The majority of resources for CDD systems involve how to deal with trauma and different alters reactions to it. If an endogenic system goes through some shit and gets trauma later in life, and can get use out of grounding guides, or how to deal with flooding, I say use those guides (and literally anyone can improve their mental health from therapy as long as the therapist. You know. Isn't a cunt.) That being said. There are also endos who are very certain they're endos when they may have.... a bit more trauma than they thought. And that's normal. Incredibly so. But endogenic communities can lead to a bit more harm than good occasionally with those systems if they insist that the system in question isn't or couldn't be a cdd system, or encourages them not to look into resources on how to deal with trauma.

As far as purposefully created alters, they absolutely exist, and I know CDD systems that have created alters with it going ok, and CDD systems who have been *horribly* hurt trying. I've seen some tulpamancy guides out there that made me wince the whole time I've read them. Not because they're cringy, but because any time a CDD system fucks around with purposeful dissociation, it's Incredibly easy to fuck yourself up by accident. Even some guides to meditation can be harmful to systems if you don't go slowly and pay attention to your body (something that's already very, very easy to ignore if your system, like mine, is made of 90% pain holders lol).

It's for that reason that i haven't changed my pinned intro as "endo-neutral". I dont doubt endogenic plurality at all, but I still find a lot of critiques in the way the two communities mix. The labels are fucked anyway lol so. I dont know what label would best fit that stance. The problem does seem to be slowly fixing itself though. I'm happy that a lot of endos are leaning away from terms used by CDD systems. I view these problems for the most part as growing pains that will smooth themselves over as plurality in general becomes more accepted and more research about both sets of systems comes out.

Mod Quill: I’m feel like that’s a great jumping off point for me, someone who is so weird with syscourse that labels don’t fit me. I believe in endogenic plurality, I really do, but I also know this community has done so much harm to CDDs and vice versa. Part of me wants everyone to go to time out corners and think about what they’ve done.

In terms of the overlap between endogenic and CDD systems… I think defining it, at this point, is frankly meaningless, particularly for the reasons Signal stated. There’s so many endogenic systems who are actually CDD systems. On one hand, I want them to be able to access CDD spaces because, well, they have a CDD… but on the other, as someone who’s been horrifically damaged by endogenic spaces, who has spread a lot of misinformation and been fed a lot of misinformation due to those experiences… I’m wary of letting someone like that into a highly fucking traumatized space. (But I also have feelings about CDD spaces in general…)

At the end of the day, I feel like it’s not my place to draw that line. It’s up to each individual and their own system where they draw the line, and so long as it’s in-line with current understandings of CDDs and they don’t speak their personal experiences as if they’re gospel truth for all systems, I have no issues. If someone says they have endogenic DID (as in, they formed DID with absolutely no trauma), it’s not my place to directly confront that person and tell them that’s not possible; but if they shout from the heavens about how people are ignoring the truth, I’m going to post the truth as I know it, with sources to back it up.

The same goes for this overlap. A system who says “Hey, I have created alters, and I’m a DID system, and those things overlap?” Cool! Awesome! That’s actually my type of system. A system who goes, “Therefore, DID systems should split new alters for the benefits it has”? Allow me to traumadump about how my system completely destabilized due to that practice. The overlap is there, but it’s not for me to define for others; not unless they make their experiences universal.

Mod Robo: Oh boy, I have a lot of Thoughts on all of these questions! It's stuff I think about often. I love talking about all the in-betweens and overlaps, and I'd love to hear about your experiences too. Unfortunately, I don't think I can jam all of my thoughts in this post (it's already long enough) so I'll just talk about your first question.

First off, I want to say that I don't think it's all that unusual for someone with a CDD to feel like they've always been plural, even before their CDD. Of course, spiritual beliefs can play a role in that. Let's put spiritual reasonings aside though and look at it from a purely psychological view. It's our belief that all of our alters -- everything that can be them, will become them, etc. -- it's all there from the start. We don't believe that alters come out of a vacuum. All of my alters were born the day our body was born. Many of us did not exist as alters yet, but the foundation for us existed!

To give a personal example: some of us have memories of childhood that predate our existence as alters. These memories predate our knowledge of being a system or having DID. We've wondered how it's possible to have memories that predate our existence as alters. How is it possible for several alters to have these same memories, and feel as if it's their own but also not? How is it possible that we can't really attribute "who" those memories belong to other than just...us? All of us? It didn't fit into the mainstream idea that alters are supposed to be these distinct, clear-cut people sharing a body, with separate memories and no overlap, no utterance of our existence before becoming a separate alter.

Children aren't born with an integrated self. You probably know the whole spiel -- the mind integrates as you get older, blah blah blah. So, in our opinion, we were never not plural. We had an unintegrated mind full of parts as a child, and we grew up into an adult with an unintegrated mind full of parts and eventually a DID diagnosis.

I get that some people don't see themselves as existing before their CDD and that's okay, I understand that. I also relate to that, in a way! It can be weird to consider because you as the alter didn't exist until later on. But you as the brain did, if that makes sense.

All that being said, I believe that "endogenic CDDs" are a completely separate concept from "endogenic systems with CDDs." CDDs are diagnoses -- they have specified symptoms, diagnostic criteria, and treatment. Diagnoses are not people. You are. That's why plurality is such an incredibly personal thing, after all. We're literally talking about your own mind. Your self/selves. Your internal reality. No duh there are gonna be people who conceptualize and talk about it in different ways. Like, I firmly believe that's NEVER going to be clear cut and easy to understand.

OG Dude: First, I have to say, thank you to my mods. Their responses are fantastic, I support all of them. I brought them all in pretty early, and I wouldn't be where I am without them. Their pro/endo patience while I went back and forth, screamed and yelled... I love them. I love that they saw the good in me and decided to help me run this blog.

I agree with all that they said. For clarity sake, I'll give my own thoughts, even if they overlap or repeat.

I've posted from the beginning about how a lot of things that endogenic systems talked about were actually really normal in DID systems. Created alters, characters that take on life, MADD, loving your system, dysfunction in different areas of life, on and on. I think there's more intersection than a lot of people realize, but I really like how Robo talked about personal views. It took a really long time to realize that people defining their experiences in different ways isn't necessarily a bad thing, though it's unfortunate that sometimes this confuses systems that are still learning.

Yelling and screaming isn't going to help, though. There's another ask coming, this one about my thoughts on sophie, that I think will tie into this point and expand on it a lot more, so for now, I'll move on.

I don't have all the answers. I think CDDs are something extremely specific-- I think in a few more years, diagnosis will involve brain scans, biomarkers, and we'll be able to say with a lot more certainty where that line is, and what's different.

For now, I think I've learned that the best thing I can do for myself, and everyone else, endo or CDD, is just keep pumping out information.

A couple users on here are really good examples of these lines. They have CPTSD, PTSD, whatever else they've got going on, but they still hold the belief that their plurality and CPTSD are unrelated. It took a long time to come to terms with balancing respect for that self-determination, and my expectations of technology and the specificity of CDDs (meaning like, specific biomarkers).

In the end, I realized that it boiled down to, "are people getting the help they need?" Because in the end, that's all that matters, and if someone doesn't think they need help, why am I arguing? If someone does, who am I to keep them from resources?

What if that technology doesn't reach the mainstream, what if it's decades before it's refined enough to be financially feasible in diagnosis? What if people come out with the exact same brain structure as someone with DID and still refuse to admit that the plurality is related?

Well, shit, I don't know, but I'm guessing the answer is still going to be, "Don't yell at them, respect their self-determination."

I still firmly believe that plurality and CDDs are different things. I think that treatment for CPTSD and PTSD are different, and many endos without longterm, repetitive trauma in childhood have PTSD, and would benefit more from those spaces and resources than CDD/CPTSD spaces. However, I also admit that a general PTSD space isn't going to be prepared for the complex interplay of plurality and PTSD. All that said, it's not my job to tell someone which they have, my job should be to present information on both to everyone and let people come to their own conclusions.

It's hard, but it's a skill I'm still trying to learn. Seeing more people talk about their experiences is probably the only thing that's going to help make it easier.

#syscourse #syscourse stance #mod signal #mod quill #mod robo #mod dude #team effort #also mod dude would like to apologize if his part seemed to cut off suddenly #he got distracted by a piece of shit floating down an otherwise pristine river

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Ring around the rosie,

A pocket full of posies.

Ashes! Ashes!

We all fall down!

...

The Wizard of Oz:

You're out of the woods,

you're out of the dark, you're our of the night,

Step into the sun, step into the light.

Keep straight ahead for the most

glorious place on the face of the earth or the

sky.

Hold onto your breath, hold onto your heart, hold onto your hope,

March up to that gate and bid it open.

...

Eddie: Maybe I'm just not a therapy kind of guy.

Buck: Right, right... You prefer to work it out in the ring.

Eddie: There was no ring, Buck. There was a fence.

...

So, gates, or fences, rings? Sounds like a locked yard mystery. Maybe there's love, locked somewhere in there.

Ring around the rosie

A pocket full of posies

Ashes, ashes

We all fall down

Interesting choice, Marisol's shirt. An image of a dragon (like Maleficent is) and a text that says 'Dreamed'... Yes, Maleficent's been busy cursing imposters, posies!

Ana of course was one, too. She dressed incredibly similarily to Shannon, the red dress with the white pattern is super similar to Shannon's. Kim is obviously one too.

And the way Tommy is reintroduced in an imposter-themed episode. Tommy, who like Eddie is also a firefighter, who was in the army like Eddie, who like Eddie also fights, and likes monster trucks, and on his first date with Buck says almost exactly the same line as Eddie does earlier to Buck's words..

"... Can't save someone from themselves, not if they don't want you to."

Eddie mutters: "Ain't that the truth..."

"Ain't that the truth, right Evan" is also what Tommy says, on the date, it's his reply to Buck inventing a story about him and Tommy being on their way to pick up hot chicks.

Anyway, after Eddie says the thing about there never being enough closet space, and Tommy goes "Ain't that the truth, Evan?"

It's really a subtle reference to the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. The cowardly lion being someone who sings stuff like this:

Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy

When you're born to be a sissy

Without the vim and verve

But I could change my habits

Never more be scared of rabbits

If I only had the nerve

I'm afraid there's no denying

I'm just an awful dandy-lion

A fate I don't deserve

But I could show my prowess

Be a lion, not a mouse

If I only had the nerve...

Anyway, in the end the Cowardly Lion finally finds his courage to help rescue Dorothy, and receives a medal of courage for it.

That is why "Ain't that the truth?" really does refer to pride and courage. Because it's very similar to something the Cowardly lion, in Wizard of Oz, the capricorn of queer subtext, repeats after he finds his courage!

"Read what my medal says:

"Courage".

Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?"

So Tommy's and Eddie's lines... They are really sarcastic quips, and point out someone lacking courage or pride because the line is iconic words of a Cowardly lion....

And would be falsehood when the topic of the conversation is actually someone making silly, cowardly decisions instead of being someone who found their courage, and is being admired for that courage.

#abc 911 #eddie diaz #buddie #911 buddie #evan buckley #buddie 911 #911 abc #evan buck buckley #911 on abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #Cowardly lion #Ain't it the truth #the wizard of oz #Tommy Kinard #ring around the rosie #pocket full of posies #intertextuality #the sleeping beauty

[spacedace]

Thinking about the preserved evidence of children playing in the mud formed in a giant sloths footprint 11,000 years ago and the little felt plush swan they found preserved in a burial site from 2300 years ago and the pattern of the clothes found on a bog body in Denmark from 2000 years ago and all the pawprints that litter our history and all the little notes of love and affection that have survived through the centuries and the jokes and the joys and the the stories we still pass down from a time so long ago the stars themselves were different and any way I'm crying over how people have been like this, looking for joy and companionship and comfort and beauty and love in all the forms it comes in since the beginning.

#i actually don't cry all that often #to the point that it's something i'm working on in therapy #but i always tear up when i think about how those small little moments of humanity have always been there #yes humans can be real fucking assholes #but we can be so wonderful too #just kids that grew up too fast and haven't learned how to let go of those coping mechanisms that we don't need anymore #messy and frantic and lashing out #but at the end of the day we're still who we were #just kids playing in the mud

[gxlden-angels]

Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn

Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished

And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue

#bro I had a coworker go 'unpopular opinion I think some kids really do need beatings' and I'm like???? #unprompted???? what's going on there???? #well anyways I ended up going 'yea so I plan on specializing in play therapy with autistic children so I've been learning about talking #to children and the ways their parents and environment affects them' #and they're like hmmm but beating this kid with a stick after they broke something or I upset them to the point of yelling is good actually #had a boss say it taught him and his kids respect cause they were hard-headed #and I'm like?? that's fear not respect! they fear punishment! they do not act out of respect for you! #he's a conservative christian black man tho so he's like 'But Authority!' like bro I don't even respect you what are you on about #'You don't respect police and their authority?' Nope! I fear them! I do not respect cops and every cop/cop-adjacent person I personally know #has reinforced that for me #'We'll agree to disagree' Cool! Doesn't mean you're not wrong! I could believe trees aren't real but that is in fact incorrect #then he pulled out the bible verse and I was like ah okay I forgot you like 'here's how to treat slaves' book you're so right bestie #I'm totally wrong now and so sorry for doubting you and your 2000+ year old book I don't believe in <3 #They'd go 'well I turned out fine!' then say something that directly contradicts that #anyways I need christians to get their grubby little hands off the current state of Child Protection and Rights in the U.S. #So we can actually start working on helping kids without the force of christian hands suffocating them #cause homeschooling and child raising by evangelicals are so fucked up bro I'm tired of this shit #I'd only stay in my current state to help children get out of that cycle since I'm in the bible belt #ex christian #religious trauma #child abuse tw

[vegaseatsass]

I was describing DFF to a friend from CQL fandom and she said New with Non sounded kind of like Huaisang with Mingjue, and it def clarified a lot for me about how I feel about both avenging brothers.

The ends don't justify the means, the cats and children and working class servants murdered along the way aren't erasable casualties in the name of a true justice, and these avengers are fundamentally unhinged, twisted, broken people, not righteous seekers of fairness in the world. But I love that both of them are driven by real desperation and are frantic and messy in how much they need to make their revenge happen at any cost; someone trying to burn the world down in their grief, and actually taking the good parts of the world and themselves down along with their target(s), adds so much texture and dimension to the narrative for me.

I love a justice story and an ethical revenge, but for example w/ The Glory, even though that's for me the best it's ever been done, we still have things like a woman being victim-blamed for her rape and drug addiction as narratively acceptable modes of vengeance. I find something freeing in a story that isn't about punishment and who deserves what, but just about the emotional depths people are driven to by loss and rage and the unfairness of a world with no accountability.

#i hope that makes sense i should not be on the computer rn #like it's not just that it's a tragedy and no one wins or something #i'm deeply sympathetic to huaisang and new - honestly they rip my HEART out #but it doesn't mean i think they're making all or even mostly righteous choices #it's similar to how i feel about ter from 3 will be free when he goes around murdering all my favorite side characters #sometimes the wrongness and cruelty of who they hurt for their revenge makes it more honest for me #than if they actually managed to stay within lines of presumable fairness #and also like i said i love the desperation and franticness #huaisang was not murdering cats because he decided the cats had it coming #he was trying to stay one step ahead of a brilliant+ruthless master strategist and making absolutely bugfuck choices in the name of that #i wonder how new was supporting himself and his DRUG LABORATORY after he stopped getting that allowance #did he at some point leave school like tee did and just work during the day and do revenge chemistry at night #i'll never stop thinking about how alone he was this entire time too #men will literally spend years refining a murder hallucinogen instead of go to therapy #dead friend forever #dff #new prathipsit #mdzs #nie huaisang #dear diary

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

Is there like. a CW tag people use for posts that are like "if you do xyz I'm committing acts of extreme violence on you / you should explode"? Cus I often feel kinda icky about interacting with those posts and I'd like to at least be able to tag it for other people who might be more significant effected by it to filter if I ever want to reblog one of them

#like they often have good points that I want to agree with and reblog #but I'm also not convinced that a lot of my morality anxiety isn't a build up of seeing those sort of thing #like. obviously this is just a me issue about being over-sensitive (and probably needing therapy or smthn) #but I think it subconsciously makes me think that if I ever fail at being a perfect being with flawless morals and no internalized biases #then I clearly *deserve* to be murdered in my sleep because why else would everyone be saying it? #which freaking sucks but idk how to get rid of it so #just gotta work around it for now until I get get my brain held together with something stronger than paperclips and scotch tape #is this moral scrupulosity? or some kind of ocd thing? #just me rambling

[hiddenmoonbeam]

love waiting for a phone appointment and the clock ticks past the set time....... 15 min now.... is her day busy and delayed, will she call in a sec or in half an hour instead? is she for some reason not calling at all but I didn’t get notified? has she forgotten? no idea and there's no way for me to call so I just have to wait.....

#it's a nurse checking in about the antidepressants #she's been lovely so far but i've felt anxious about it today for some reason #and now this #what....am i just supposed to go about my day until she calls??? sounds fake #i'll just be anxiously doing nothing while waiting #EDIT UPDATE: she was just late and also I almost cried at one point #not necessarily related to the depression but another personal Thing and even though what she said was broad and not something new really #I just.... a medical professional saying I'm far from the only one and I'll get there and just #ah yeah crying now #and i might not get another appointment with her :( fingers crossed tho that the doctor want her to check in instead of him #and fingers crossed even tighter that the psychologist won't just offer group therapy again I DON’T WANT THAT IT DIDN’T WORK LAST TIME

[thedreadvampy]

idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning. #what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose. #i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person. #but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone. #that kind of thing. it's a safety thing. #it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

I swear every time i write something - be it a poem or song or fanfic or short story or essay - i learn something new about myself, or reveal something about myself that i don't notice for months or years until i look back and its like a neon fucking sign screaming at me, begging me to notice.

anyways. had some revelations today.

#at this point i REALLY need to figure out how to schedule a therapy appointment #i've gotten like #halfway there? i have a small list of therapists in my area i think might work but i just have to commit and schedule the appointment #i'm mostly fine #but if you wanna hear a funny story about me writing something Very Telling i will absolutely tell you #well. /i/ think its funny.

[thethingything]

local man discovers he's gotten into the habit of using DBT techniques without actually being taught them because at some point he realised that the things we get the urge to do when we have strong emotions often aren't healthy and that he doesn't like how he feels afterwards so he started noticing when that was happening and going "fuck that shit" and doing the opposite instead

#personal #thoughts #Lucy post #talking to 🍬 about various stuff we do because of our social anxiety and what are probably undiagnosed BPD symptoms #and we realised he's gotten himself into the habit of paying attention to how his emotions affect his judgement #and trying to take a step back when he's experiencing an emotion that he knows gives us the urge to do stuff that's not healthy for us #and he said he felt bad about having those emotions and urges to do unhealthy stuff #at which point I was like ''okay but you're choosing not to act on that and to take a step back and do something healthier instead #which is what actually matters here and is also something that takes a hell of a lot of self-awareness and self-control'' #this is shit they teach you in therapy that's difficult specifically because you're going against your brain's instincts for a situation #and we were never taught how to do it so you've just fucking taught yourself to do it instead #without actually knowing it's a specific technique that has a name #I was aware of it but had never actually looked at the instructions properly because when I stumbled across it #it was at a point where being told to go against what my emotions made me want to do felt invalidating and upsetting #I've literally just pieced together that ''oh right that's what that is and how it's supposed to work #and how it's meant to feel when you do it right'' #anyway all this is to say that I keep being impressed with the amount of progress 🍬's made on learning healthy coping mechanisms #including things I could never seem to get the hang of when I was fronting more and handling more stuff #and I'm really proud of him and 🦋 and everyone else who's been handling stuff within the system and keeping things running #but also nobody in here seems to realise how much progress they've made with anything until someone else points it out #I just realised I should tag this as #happy posting #because I'm talking about stuff that's going well and where we've actually made a lot of progress

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[kit-o-nine-tales]

List of DAO mods *I* have installed

 This is a giant list of mods I’ve got installed for Dragon Age origins, including links and my thoughts. Let me save you time when looking for things. It’s the least I can do for the fandom as someone who can’t contribute via creating mods, or fanart. (I write fanfic, but it doesn’t feel like much) This is also to help me achieve some degree of organization, as I am a mess and my memory is garbage.

General improvements (if you don’t wanna go ham (like I did lol), these are the basic essentials)

True colors REDUX - makes the vanilla tints less grey, very nice

Dragon Age Origins Unofficial Remaster - updates textures and makes things so much prettier (True Colors Redux is also included as part of this)

(Dalishious’ mods in general are great go look at them.)

Qwinn’s Ultimate DAO fixpack - this one. If you install nothing else, install this one. it fixes so many things that were left broken in the final release of the game.

Real Pigment - a skin tint fix - no more patchy skin, plus darker skin tones look so much better.

Universal dye kit - change your armor colors! it’s fun!

HQ Eyebrow stubble and scalp hair replacers

Boob patches be gone - removes those extra lines on the boobies of the standard mage robe, because they were silly looking

Neutral female armor - no more boob plate on the medium and heavy armor (also included in the unofficial remaster)

Goblet De-Gobbler - fixes common glitches with the Joining chalice

SJC’s vanilla face textures replacement - more detailed replacements for the default complexions (UOR has it’s own vanilla face texture replacers as well.)

Cosmetic mods - for all your chargen needs

Hairs

Look! Hair! - I’ve installed a ton of hairs from risibisi. Though not all of them (there are. so many. it’s awesome)

Tucked hair by tmp7704

Hairstyle day parts 1 & 2

DAO anto hairstyles

Elven hairstyles

Beautiful people hair ren (a chargen for it)

additional hairs for DA by boodrl

jenya’s random hairstyles (note, a few of these are bugged, check the posts tab)

Character creation expansion plus da2 eye tints

Miikocc hairs

AH00B Hairs

LOTC Hairstyles

Witcher 2 for DA

Raptures Witcher (just the aesthetics file, chargen here)

LHK’s mini hairpack

More hairstyles

Simpliciaty hairs

Hair tweaks and additions

elf hairs by dalishous

Anto Curls

Parisa Hair

KH blogspot

Fluffy bob for origin’s elves

Skins/face textures

Barnzi face textures

Ferelden models: KH textures + the face textures from face and eye textures (I am not using the eyes)

 Fairy face

Alice complexion

Rose complexion

FBD skins

Anna complexion

Another complexion

Pretty skins

Vitligo skins

Face textures

Blackmoon’s Human Female face textures (I renamed them to be additions, not replacements)

KH creator files (includes hair, skins, etc - but you’ll need to do some manual chargen file editing due to some incompatible quotation marks used within the provided chargen files. Overlaps with the FM files.) 

A new freckled skin texture for females

Warden complexions with eyebrows 

Lipstick - mole and freckles textures 

SJC’s skins

Dr. DJ’s bandit emporium - cool scars for your wardens (check the posts tab for how to extract the chargenmorph file)

New skins DAO by Vlissa 

Warpaint skins 

New textures by MissB 

Face texture beta 

Gizmodian faceworks

Dimitri skin texture

Jeane eyes_eyelashes and complexion

Chargen package - more cool scars in this one

Planes traveler appearance package

Tints

SJC’s skin tones

Dalishious Skin Tints

Pineappletree’s vibrant colors

Colorful hair

Colorful hair - highlighted

SJC’s hair colors

Big Brown Eyes

Bright Tattoo Tints

CC extra tints and tones

Simple hair spectrum

Lovely tints

Colorful makeup

SJC’s Lip Colours

Eyeshdow Collection

Lipstick collection

Blush collection

Sun’s Tints

Presets that add things (like longer eyelashes, or unique eye textures)

LOTC’s female eyelashes

Bidelle’s Cosmetics (though tbh, I haven’t actually used any of these ones in game yet)

Six presets with heterochromia - these are fun.

LOTC’s eye textures

PNangel eyes to headmorphs (pretty sure my Jean Grey Warden’s green eyes came from one of these ones)

NPC Morphs

DA2 Elves triple mix (with original skin tint Merrill) - makes the elves in DAO look more they do in DA2. Requires some files from elf update, but not all of them. the mod description tells you which ones.

Brown Merrill Continuity fix - puts Merrill in her DA2 robes and fixes the skin-tone contrast. requires loincloth fashion. Also offers another Merrill morph.

Isabella variation - means to make Isabella look like she does in DA2, but a few years younger (I might try to find an alternative tho, I feel like her skin tone is a bit too light)

Qunari update - makes the Qunari look more like they do in the later games

Ferelden racelift - adds some diversity to Ferelden (I don’t use all the morphs in here - it looks weird with elf update installed bc of how the elf eye texture size changes but the morphs from this mod don’t change to fit the larger eyes. But. Still a nice addition)

Ser Gilmore morph with light proportion tweaks - small changes that make him look a little less...off

Unique face textures for companions DAO edition - give them friends of yours some unique skin textures! they deserve them! (I use Alistair, Wynne, Oghren, Loghain (though I almost never recruit him) and Leliana)

Alkolnoix Morrigan - a nice Morrigan morph that gives her darker skin, befitting her implied Chasind parentage

Tranquil 2.0 - gives the tranquil the brand that the game says is supposed to be there

Sten of the Beresaad - for a more unique Sten look to go with Qunari update

Visibly elf-blooded - Ignore the “magic dna” bs that erases biracial elf-blooded characters, and give Alistair, Slim Couldry, Goldanna, some background npcs, and (optionally) Leliana some elven ears. Has a version that uses the unique companion face textures mod, which sealed the deal for me.

Window of the Soul - Eyes Replacement - the eye retexture I’m currently using. (Though there’s another one I’ve been eying. haha.)

Retcon armors/future game imports/retextures

Grey Wardens of Ferelden (w/ Dalishious’ retexture) - make them wardens wear their uniforms! We’re supposed to be an order! All official-like and stuff.

Duncan Outfit - a unique but still GWOF matchy look for Duncan.

Hooded enchanter mesh - replacement meshes for f!Human and f!Elf chasind and tevinter robes (I’m just using the chasind ones from this, skipping the UOR retextures.)

Improved mabari for DAO - a less weird looking dog mesh

Retcon light armor texture rehaul - make the light armors look like they do in the later games

I’m not using this anymore, since the retextures from the UOR accomplish what I wanted this mod for while blending in with DAO better: making the light armors more unisex.)

Loincloth fashion - adds armors from future games, added via console command

Keeper and Merrill outfit fixes - another DA2 Merrill outfit retexture (with skin-tinting) and the option to make Merrill’s robe appear on female characters who try to wear the male-exclusive “keeper’s robe” from Loincloth fashion.

Kirkwall exports - same as LCF, adds armors from future games. Some overlap between the two.

The guardians of Cadash Thaig - again, as above

Dalish armor replacement - makes the dalish armor look like it does in DA2 (no more bare midriff on women wearing dalish armor!!!)

Seamfix and high resolution textures - a DA2 dalish armor retexture

Robes of the wild - HD retexture of Morrigan’s robes with hood

I’m just using the hood from this, after manually removing the robe files. (It doesn’t perfectly match color-wise, but I’m satisfied. For now - if anyone wants to know which files to keep so you can have the hood on its own, just ask.)

Practical Morrigan robes - a really neat looking Morrigan robe retexture, and the one I’m using now.

Dwarves are not mages - get them mage robes off of King Endrin and Lord Harrrowmont

Crow Assassin’s Armor for Zevran - gives him unique armor based off of TWoT2 concept art

Apostate clothing file - three DA2 ports

Dalish Keeper Robes - redresses Marethari, Zathrian, Lanaya, and Velanna.

Gameplay altering stuff

Awakening in the OC + expanded integration - add stuff and spells and skills from DA:A to the base game

The Winter Forge - change how items look! rename them! change their stats, their item tier! copy stats from one item to another!

(I play with the cheatmode bc I am a dirty cheater and I am not ashamed of this. But you don’t have to do it that way.)

Open lock spells - let your mages bust open some treasure chests. you know they’re dying to.

Spell School Divine - some healing spells, some offensive spells, some companion buffing spells (I don’t use these spells often, but I do have them installed)

Arcane Warrior plus - more spells for your arcane warrior

Arcane Warrior weapons drawn casting - no more putting your sword down to cast 

(NOTE: this might have broken paralysis glyphs for me. Or maybe it was something else. I don’t use that spell too much though, so I haven’t bothered trying to fix it/figure out what did it)

Dragon Age Class and Specialization pack - adds a bunch of specializations, some weapon mastery skills, and two new magic classes: warlock and ritualist

I can’t remember what the game was like before I installed this one lol

Chantry Monk specialization 

Want your mage to be able to PUNCH PEOPLE? this is the place to go.

Half-Wraith specialization - now rogues can teleport. if you want.

Emerald Knight specialization - your warrior can summon a wolf!

Seeker of Truth specialization - your warrior can heal? (haven’t used this one too much) 

Wild Keeper specialization - your mage can turn enemies into squirrels!

Knight specialization - your warrior gets a bonus reduction to fatigue, and more companion buffs

Lich specialization - your mage can summon a fuckton of skeletons (from dead enemies) also, transform into an arcane horror

Beastmaster specialization - your mage can summon wolves and sylvans and stuff

Wild mage specialization - you ever wanna just... cast something and not know what’s going to happen? here ya go

Necromancer specialization - more skeleton raising antics

Paladin specialization - magical two-handed talents for warriors? (haven’t used this much yet)

Death Knight specialization - more magic talents for warriors (also haven’t used much yet)

Grenadier specialization -  bombs!!! no crafting needed!! (for rogues)

Extended dog talents - more talents for dog, your bestest buddy

Extra Dog slot - bring dog everywhere! without taking up a companion slot.

Full Combatant Dog - gives dog more talents

No Helmet Hack  - hide them ugly things

(Note: if you have a bunch of mod-companions, it can sometimes make your helmets disappear permanently. So... leave some companions’ helmets visible.)

Tower Guard Rogue + Tower of Ishal companion options - no longer must you suffer the indignities of leaving locked treasure chests behind in the tower of Ishal!

Higher Level Cap and More specialization slots - go up to level 70. You know you want to (if you have as many bonus dungeons installed as I do, anyway)

All shapeshifting from mouse - learn all the Fade shapeshifting skills when you talk to that first mouse (it makes Lost in Dreams less back-tracky, but without skipping it entirely)

Teleport - A spell that lets you teleport around (check the posts tab for install advice)

Ancient blood magic rewritten - more blood magic spells! (check posts tab for advice on how it works)

Qwinn no Wynne - leave Wynne behind during ABC without killing her! (I got bored of seeing her Fade nightmare every time)

Complete bi overhaul - idc what bioware says, Morrigan is not straight.

This conflicts with Qwinn’s, but if you install this as an override and Qwinn’s as a dazip, it doesn’t break anything (so far - haven’t finished a play-through with it yet myself)

Also looks like it might conflict with the epilogue slides from Karma’s Origins companions.

Polygamey - date everyone at once (Note: does not work on mod-created companions)

Reverse Blood sacrifice - steal the blood of your enemies, not your friends

Non-circle mage origins - Want to be a mage but tired of the magi origin? Here ya go. (Some conflicts with other dialogue altering mods (CBO, Qwinn’s... for example) - I’m only using it for a very specific play-through, then will be moving it to my back-up folder. Gave it load priority rather than deleting anything.)

New starting Robe for Dalish Mage - a nice companion to the above mod. Gives you several options to choose from , though you’ll need to download the mod that gives you the outfit you want separately.)

Story mods (mods that just add fluff, basically)

General

Clan Sabrae says Goodbye - a longer, heartrending farewell scene for the end of the Dalish origin

Be more elfy; Dalish dialogue overhaul - allows for a more knowledgeable Dalish warden, fixes the lethallan/lethallin mix up in the beginning, and also gives you bisexual Tamlen - be sure to give it load priority over CBO.)

Talk elfy to Me - gives you the ability to select a more dalish voice set using clips from DAI

Dance party - you and your companions can dance at camp (and at the Gnarled noble tavern)

CmessaZ7′s hugs - Human noble can hug mom or dad, F!mahariel can hug Tamlen

but this conflicts with Be more Elfy, so I’m not using it anymore for Tamlen, sadly. Even though I really want to give him a hug

The Human noble hugs conflict with the Cousland keepsakes mod further down this list

Hugs for Tabris - Tabris can hug their dad, Shianni, and Soris

The rescue at ishal - cutscene of dragon-Flemeth coming to rescue PC and Alistair

Non-transphobic sex-workers - bc transphobia isn’t cool, y’all

Lady Aeducan the non-warden - changes it so that the middle aeducan is a woman when talked about in Orzammar, if not chosen as the warden (instead of defaulting to being a man)

Satina in the sky - apparently, Thedas has two moons (according to extended canon.) this adds a second moon (will conflict with the unofficial remaster, either delete that moon, or make sure this one is alphabetically placed last for load priority)

More hairs for kids and diversified children - makes the kids less clone-y. Best applied to a fresh game. Some conflicts with DA2 elves triple mix morphs. (I think the UOR has this or something similar; I’m not using the morphs from the UOR)

The children’s closet - makes it so the kids aren’t all wearing the same two outfits. Requires this. (included in the UOR)

Daveth and Jory in the fade - puts them in the Warden’s fade dream instead of the randos. requires GWoF

Let Me Live - an NPC Rescue Mod - I haven’t played through with this yet, but it’s like a dream come true. I can finally save Nial! ❤️❤️❤️ And Nelaros!

Romance add-ons

General

Dahlialynn’s Sleep til dawn - cuddle with your LI in your tent! Compatible with karma’s and Ser Gilmore

Origin romances

Farewell, Ser Gilmore - give Ser Gilmore a hug or kiss goodbye

A flower from Tamlen - Tamlen (my beloved!) finds a flower and gives it to the Dalish warden (if romance flag active) 

Kissing Tamlen - allows a Dalish Warden to remember a past kiss with Tamlen, and you get a free ring!

Alistair

Alistair nights: Moonlit bath - E rated bathtime with Alistair

Alistair’s Magical kiss - a private kiss with Alistair

Alistair’s visible kiss - better camera angles for the regular kissing scene

Alistair’s funeral - if Alistair makes the sacrifice, a romanced warden can kiss him goodbye 

The Proposal - Alistair asks for PC’s hand in marriage if engaged

Dahlialynn’s Alistair epilogues: The royal wedding - marry Alistair!

Funeral kiss - if a PC romanced Alistair and made the ultimate sacrifice, he kisses her body at the funeral. 

Dahlialynn’s Alistair’s nightmare - A Sleep til dawn add-on 

Alistair Romance Eavesdropping - adds in-camp cutscenes for some of the Alistair-centric companion banters

Alistair Romance Appetite - a playful scene involving food

Alistair Romance attraction - even the wildlife adores him

Alistair romance: the steamy bits - another E-rated bath with Alistair mod

Alistair romance: hot water - you guessed it! another e-rated bath with Alistair (a popular theme. This one is the prettiest, imo)

Zevran

Intrigues of an Antivan Crow - adds a bunch of romance scenes, some e-rated

Leliana

Leliana stories - much like the above intrigues, adds additional romance scenes for Leliana. Made by the same person.

Companion mods (mods that add more recruit-able companions)

Ser Gilmore companion NPC - Ser Gilmore from the Human noble origin miraculously survives the fall of Cousland castle! And he wants to help you kill darkspawn and get revenge on Arl Howe.

Lealion - a mage who was at Ostagar can join you in Lothering (she has like, no dialogue, but hey, more mages)

Saarebas Qunari mage companion - a qunari mage can join you at lake Calenhad (requires Qunari update) he has a little more dialogue than Lealion, but still, nothing compared to Gilmore. But again; more mages!

MerAnne’s Dwarf Companions - adds a bunch of dwarves you can recruit (you can even choose their genders) more content than Lealion & Saarebas, but slightly less than Gilmore I think. Haven’t played the mod with a dwarf warden yet, I think they get more dialogue

Karma’s Origins Companions - the one, the only.

recruit (& heal) Tamlen (MY BELOVED), Jowan (poor lil meow meow), Soris, Leske, Gorim (Thank FUCK, Lady Aeducan no longer has to get dumped), Cullen (eww), and original characters Adela and Ox. make sure to check the readme.

There are some aspects of it I’m iffy about, but I’m just so grateful for Tamlen that it could literally punch me in the face every time I start the game and I’d just ignore it.

Quests and Legends - I haven’t actually played this one yet, but I will soon. It has a compatibility patch with Karma’s. I think it adds one new companion?

Return to the Korcari wilds - hilariously 2009 music choices, adds two companions. Karma has a compatibility patch for it. More content than Lealion, less than Ser Gilmore or Karma’s

Dark times - adds three companions, three specializations, and has a karma’s patch.

It’s... also not the best. really goes in on the elf-racism, among other things. ppl rave about it, but I wasn’t that impressed tbh. the megaupload download link in the comments is safe, at least, it was when I used it.

The bloodworks - adds one new companion (two actually, but you have to choose between the templars or the blood mages - I have literally never gone with the templars), not much dialogue. Also a bunch of quests, a spell line, a warrior talent line, and allows you to make an absurd amount of money. has a karma’s patch. Ties in with Dark times a little, along with Ser Gilmore

Bonus dungeons/quests

Pints and Quarts Tavern - a tavern near Redcliffe with a bunch of people who need help with things. some misogynistic story beats in the final quest. Not very lore-compliant either.

Hilltop under siege - a village under attack from darkspawn. a little silly, kind of non-lore compliant

King Calenhad’s tomb - freaky tomb emerges from Lake Calenhad. Not lore compliant, and the trap rooms are straight up maliciously designed

Ancient Elven ruins - somebody stole the family heirlooms of a dwarven house, they disappeared into this place. Not lore compliant, I think. Ties in with one of the P&Q quests

Spiders and Knives - adds a few balanced quests and rewards to Lothering, plus another party storage chest (warning, the rogue dagger reward is bugged and might remove the coup de grace skill when unequipped)

Alley of Murders - there’s an alley, and there have been murders. People praise this one a lot, but I’m eh about it. made by the same people as the Bloodworks

infested grounds - a nobleman has a dragon problem on his property (he deserves it, tbh) by the same person as P&Q

Swamp tower adventure - there’s a swamp, there’s a tower, and there are beasties. Also by the same person as P&Q

Inverness keep - apparently, some nobleman died and left his estate to the wardens. You can get skill books here, store stuff, get alcoholic gifts for Oghren, and actually do something with those silver goblets, silver bowls, and the vases you find. (plus silk carpets, and the painting gifts, if you’re not giving them to Sten)

Innodil’s Pocket Plane - god mode storage you can access from anywhere 

Tombs of the Undead - this is a good one. Three tombs, different difficulty levels, pretty lore compliant, the codex entries are well written. It almost feels like it could have been part of the game to begin with

Temple of Vulak - a temple full of demons. bit of a tough one.

Utilities - console command scripts and stuff

Enable console commands

Make console commands visible

Chargenmorph compiler - a must to make all those hairs and stuff play nice with each other

Change your hero hair and face anywhere - want to change what your warden looks like midway through the game? start a new game with the desired appearance (or use the toolset, idk how to yet though), then use this tool to switch it in

additem with console improved - add any items using their id codes

Console- add points - add talent,skill, specialization, and attribute points via console and use through the regular level up menu (for ppl who have played so many times that they no longer care about cheating lol)

item set descriptions - adds a codex entry that describes the base game item set stats

VFX weapons file - alters the visual effects on weapons to be a lil less dramatic (I think there are other mods that do this, I might try some of them out as well. Eventually)

Fade shroud unghost - makes fade shroud not turn your mage into a ghost (I actually don’t mind this vfx, but I wanted cleaner screenshots for my one Warden. I’ll probably remove it once that warden is done)

Madd gift guide - tells you who the gifts are for (I pm have it memorized at this point, but still.)

DAO- Modmanager - an alternative way to install mods (also capable of installing overrides)

DAmodder - another mod manager, dazip files only

Flycam - allows you to detach the camera from your character and look around. Great for screenshots, requires console commands.

Item mods - just adds items, armor, etc. Or alters the stats of existing items

(an important note about some of these: some have to be unchecked from the installed content menu if you want them to become available in a new game - they appear directly in player inventory after being checked on, but smthn about how the game handles inventory means they won’t appear in the inventory of a fresh file unless checked on after the game has started. I’ll mark these with a *)

*Adamantium battlemage regalia -  uses Legion of the dead armor design. Way overpowered armor and weapons for an arcane warrior

Improved companion items - gives the companion’s exclusive items better stats so you don’t feel like you have to replace them later in the game (I always felt bad for taking away their keepsake items) It also applies to the Warden’s oath (I actually use it now instead of throwing it storage!) and Sten’s sword Asala

Dirth’enna Ensalin armor set - an armor set for arcane warriors that you only receive if you send the tapped spirit to its final rest. Not as overpowered as the other one, overwrites one of the UDK tints

*Wings of Velvet - some pretty mage robes + a staff, and optional jewelry.

City elf ring - with stats - adds a stat boost to Tabris’ wedding ring item, so it can be worn for sentimental value and be useful

Improved ancient elven armor - increases the stats and tier of the ancient elven armor set

The Phoenix Armory for females - some pretty armor and weapons for women (i like sexy armor when it’s my choice to have it be that way; not when it’s the default)

instruments of the warden mage - some griffon-y weapons for mage wardens.

Mahariel’s heirloom - gives Mahariel’s heirloom amulet a unique icon and great stats, so they can sentimentally wear it through the entire game

Cousland family mementos - sentimental items for your Cousland

has a conflict with the Human noble hugs, for some reason.

Alistair’s mother’s amulet - makes his amulet into a wear-able item for him (requires console commands to spawn)

Jar of bees - HAHAHAHAHAHA I can throw bees at people

*Wing of Lilith - robes that use the desire demon skirt/sleeves. UDK compatible

*Warden commander armor - the Warden’s Keep DLC armor but with a helmet, shields, swords, and higher stats (I have it bc Dark Times changed the appearance of the DLC armor into something ugly and generic for some reason?)

RL’s swan song - adds a vendor to the Pearl who sells a ton of stuff (Don’t install all the items, it will probably bork your game. Just pick the ones you like)

RL’s Fashion Bazaar - no merchant for this one, just console commands.

Arcane armor and weapon sets - more stuff for Arcane warriors. Buy from Bodahn

Alistair’s rose (as reward) - adds a wear-able commemorative amulet to your inventory when Alistair gives you the rose

Inquisition Mage Armor - the one I use with the Dalish mage starting robes.

Hahahaha that’s all..... for now. When I add more things (or try out the stuff I haven’t used yet) I’ll reblog with updates.

#DAO mods list #DAO mod recommendations #I'm jobless broke and depressed #so finding and adding new mods is the closest I can get to retail therapy #this list is also to help me #in case (stars forbid) something happens to my computer AND my external HD #if anyone has recs that aren't here #pass em on #I'll try just about anything #as long as it isn't a nasty white-washing mod #my mods folder is probably more gigs than the game itself at this point #totally normal #if ppl have questions about making stuff work I can Probably help #so don't be afraid to ask #tho really technical stuff is above my paygrade #i wanna teach myself the toolset some day but i don't have the focus for it atm #this was a fun way to spend several hours (NOT sarcasm - I truly enjoyed doing this) #beats staring at my weak ass resume in despair at least #or my writers block word document

[o-wyrmlight]

I!!! Have a blueberry buckle in the oven!!! I made that!!!

#i was going to make blueberry pancakes but then saw that recipe and read the ingredients and was like #'wait i can make that' #SO I DID #i'm not making pancakes at all anymore because Energy but!!! i baked something new!!! yay me!!! #tw: food #tw: food mention #also i bought a couple of ingredients so i can maybe do some baking while i'm out of work #i think i'm now on short-term disability? 'cause i'm concerned if i work under workers' comp #(if i do apply for it to begin with) #then i'd just end up hurting myself more by doing light duty #so while overall the doctor bills and treatment stuff would be paid for ultimately i might be putting myself more at risk #at least with short-term disability i'll get the paid time off #anyway i'm rambling #if anyone wants to help ease the stress a little my coms are still open #i'll probably also need to invest in physical therapy so. idk how much that'll cost with the doctor bills #anyway!!! again!!! i'm rambling!!! #point is: i made a blueberry buckle

[swordcoasts]

,

#i'm so. frustrated with a friend #every time i share something positive (like stuff i've learned in therapy that's been making me feel less shit abt myself or today the #masters acceptance thing) #she just counters it with some variety of 'wow good for you it's such a shame im such a useless piece of shit and would be better off dead' #and like. firstly not everything HAS to be about you this is so fucking. rude. idk. i don't expect confetti and celebrations but you could #at least pretend you care about other people lmao #secondly everyone around her (including HER OWN THERAPIST) has been telling her that negative self talk is a self fulfilling prophecy and #she could at least TRY to work on it but she's just not willing to even try #idk i'm so tired of this constant barrage of 'woe is me AND ONLY ME' #don't get me wrong i know mental illness isn't cured by just 'thinking positively' or w/e but there comes a point at which you need to be #willing to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING AT ALL to get better #ok i needed to get this rant out of my system thank u if u read through this jumbled mess ily #misc #dee.txt

[nightmareonpeachstreet]

need a wikihow article on how to tell my therapists that I take psychic damage prior to and during the actual therapy session and that is why I cannot go to therapy more than once a month otherwise I will simply be so fragile during daily life I will cease to function

#would it be beneficial to my mental health to go to therapy more often? #probably. if not for the fact that it makes me feel like shit for so much of my week I feel like the cons outweigh the pros #anyway my brain works great. #this isn't about my current therapist. I've only had 1 session with her so I have no idea if she is going to keep pushing it #my first therapist really wanted me to do it more often and we weren't even on once a month #I suggested once a month and she didn't like it #so I just hope this one will understand that like...brain...no worky. #I'm sure whatever is happening with it is more than 1 problem at once cause I feel like all my garbage can't be explained with just one thin #but like if what I think is happening is happening....it better not be #(I'm just clowning honestly at this point I...would feel really relieved if there was something diagnosable about my brain #cause I don't like feeling like I am just....an unfixable dude #like it's just like this and that's how it's always gonna be. that's the thought that scares me #thats why I had to cave and go to therapy. I don't wanna be here but I have to #for the sake of improving my brain #therapy // #mental stuff //

[lhrry]

x

#im going to say one last thing and then I'm going to cleanse lmao #so I saw like one person who got an affordable ticket but the outrageous prices seem to be absolutely prevailing and keep being driven up #from where im standing it looks like they're making harry into an even more unattainable superstar and literally an exclusive commodity #at a point where they he also has an album which build on being very homely and common and for everyone #which seems to be a take harry himself wants to go for and he seems to want to be relatable #and to speak to and for people and act as a representative #do things that speak to people and he talks in a very down to earth way and builds the promo on therapy and self-care and stuff like that #and apart from the fact that I think he is like that and that fits him he also understands that in today's culture genuineness and #authenticity are aestheticised and valued #and that unattainable thing seems to work less and less #but his team not reacting to the ticket prices at a moment when they have so many concerts and so many seats and so much money #that they could easily keep them affordable (as well as release affordable merch) or at least give a part of that money to charities or #something like that #they're managing his image further and his relationship with his fans to a certain extent im sure and in the end that's going to get them #less money and they're using a stupid ass strategy in 2022 when they could so easilycater to people's interests