#tl;dr its because for sign language to work you have to either see it or feel it

[rxttenfish]

it Happened Again

i swear at this point i need to just make a post explaining why sign language for deep sea animals just Doesn't Work in their given environment. because i keep seeing people trying to do that for inclusivity and it feels worse than just realizing that its probably not the best place for a spec evo species to focus exclusively on that.

or actually maybe i just need to make a post ranting about why the mermaids from Into The Drowning Deep are so bad and made no goddamn sense despite trying so hard to be hard spec evo

#all the care guide says is 'biomass' #tl;dr its because for sign language to work you have to either see it or feel it #which is a problem. when there is no light and seeing anything at all is Hard. #and when you are free-floating animals in a place that extends off forever in all directions #ofc no one goes with the touch option either despite it being the more reasonable one #of two not very great options #just. idk. i dont think its ableist to say that ''this is one situation where this wouldnt make sense for an entire species'' #also no bioluminescence is also not the silver bullet youre looking for either #because it is NOT a very powerful light thats produced #and thus can be easily missed from too far away #and because i see. people. trying to use that bioluminescence to then make the sign language visible. #not just using the light they have already #plus its metabolically expensive to produce and you wouldnt want to over-use it

[ereemos]

my not-so-comprehensive list (very personal 3am opinion) on books about how to deal with someone with bpd (i’m sure this is applicable to other conditions)

it’s very difficult to deal with a mentally ill oved one, and no matter how much suffering they’re in, the pain it causes those around them is not to be discounted.

this pain can stem from not understanding certain behaviours, fear for their loved one’s wellbeing, seeing someone act violently towards others or themselves, powerlessness, etc.

i whole heartedly believe that these people deserve support too, and that their experience is valid and important to verbalise.

either way, sometimes this can be taken to the extreme, where the person suffering for their loved one starts feeling like “the real victim” and this creates extra stigma, this post being about bpd, an already incredibly stigmatised disorder (both in and out of the medical community).

how do i support my loved one with bpd, or find resources to help myself get through this situation, or understand my loved one better, without falling for evil-bpd-manipulator-woman-propaganda?

look no further! i’ve read enough bpd self help book for loved ones, to be able to tell you what to look out for. i’m sure there’s good ones out there, haven’t seen a single one though ! hah! (only because my mum buys them btw, i promise they exist)

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR … in a shitty book

- “most cases of bpd are caused by childhood trauma, but not your child, you are a good parent” books that use this sort of language seem more like they’re trying to reassure someone who is, most likely, a contributing factor to their child’s bpd

when the book is more about self help than it is about therapy… any book framed as self help, i’d stray from. you are not qualified to talk about bpd in this setting.

when the actual victim seems to be treated as an abuser, or written about like an annoying ex who won’t stop texting you, miiight be a sign someone doesn’t care about how people are treated, just wants to make their readers like they need a cuddle.

when they start talking about wanting to expand bpd criteria and diagnosing bpd in minors - why are you talking about this in a self help book - you’re spreading medical misinformation by mixing official diagnostic criteria with your own personal (BIASED) theories, seems like every patient you don’t like has bpd…

w hen the main “how to help a bpd sufferer” is just “give up on trying to help them, they’ll never amount to anything, think about yourself” HUH

too much personal judgement . you’re writing about a disorder .

look at the authors bibliography! are they self help authors who have written nothing other than “how to leave your ex boyfriend behind” “how to be happy in 10 steps” or maybe actual doctors whose mainstream published works include “how my bpd wife ruined my life” “the real victims of bpd” etc???

personal pet peeve, but people talk about bpd patients as only being women. rubs me the wrong way, especially, with the bod/hysteria parallels.

emphasis on either fixing the patient or cutting ties with them/ letting them live an unfulfilling life “because that’s just how they are”

(tl;dr keep away from self help books, as a society we have moved past the need of self help book-capitalism--self-affirming-pseudo therapy)

RESOURCES TO HELP YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE WITH BPD

DBT !!! there’s so many free resources out there, exercises, pdfs etc, its really worth looking into!

research BPD on your own, looking at multiple sources, both medical and personal experiences, and remember that if you’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b personality disorder, that doesn’t make everyone with the same illness a monster

readings that emphasise on how to deal with situations (still, DBT is useful for this), how to de-escalate a meltdown by behaving empathetically, protecting your peace and your loved one’s, rather than trying to “fix” them.

it is important to hold people accountable for their actions: people with bpd are people, not just victims. Having tough conversations w sufferers can be hard. consider contacting an actual therapist, when things are too much to handle.

there is no shame in going no contact if the person is genuinely abusive, or dealing w them is beyond your abilities. you are not their psychiatrist.

keep in mind that psychology and psychiatry and constantly evolving, and what is a diagnosis today may be laughable in 10 years time ! (just look at the history of bpd)

this post was specifically written for my mother but i just had to put it out there i hate self help books i hate them it’s so much worse than telling me “have you tried yoga?” because yoga actually helps, unlike self help books, which are making psychology and mental illness a big soup of buzzwords to pick out and capitalise on! hmm what will it be today? narcissistic abuse? how to handle your autistic child? soooo sick and tired . stop making money off of me. give me money if you want but stop exploiting disordered individuals.

thanks for reading, sorry for the long post/ramble, it’s 3am

#rant #self help cult #bpd #self help #self help books #borderline personality disorder #cluster b #dbt #bpd vent #anti self help #actually bpd

[1ore]

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

WROW. Well. This is probably not a very generalizable experience, BUT! I'll try!

When I was in my teens, I very much hinged my personhood and identity on being an artist. It made sense to me at the time, because drawing and making up stories was my first language, and it’s how I relate with/understand the world around me. But I was also going through it with an unstable home life and a cocktail of trauma and undiagnosed brainstrange. So when I was not feeling very good about my art, or when I was struggling to create (Which Was A Lot) it was existential and extremely distressing. This was especially true of my writing, which I didn't start taking seriously until my teens.

I would like to say that challenging negative self-talk and reframing my relationship with art “fixed” that, but probably 70% of it was removing the knife that is having a shitty and unstable home life. But I think that was still true for the remaining 30%-- I had to learn to let myself exist as a human being first and foremost, and I had to love that, and be really comfortable with that.

Another way of looking at it... I don't like to frame it in this extractive kind of way, but if art is my first language, then I am going to run out of things to talk about if I'm "just" an artist. I have to be a funny little hairless ape who is alive on planet earth and experiencing the full spectrum of the human experience to be compelled enough to make something, and to want to communicate it to other human beings. Or even just to myself. (but again, being a human being is not a means to an end, i.e. being an artist. searching for inspiration like its a resource to be extracted does not yield good, honest, or happy work for me, personally.)

Getting rid of the concept of writers block/artists block was important to me, too. Some people seem to put out huge volumes of work thru sheer self-discipline, but that person isn’t me. At least-- I am not happy when I do that, and I don't think any story is worth that kind of self-flagellation. I think this feeds into being neurodiverse, in that I am most creative when I am doing a lot of different things at once-- so I chip away at 2974828 different longterm projects in relatively constant but sporadic bursts. everything gets done at some point, just. it could take anywhere from 2 weeks to several years.

So, Uh. The TL;DR answer to the original question: if I'm getting to the point of frustration with a piece of art/myself/my ability/my inability, then it is usually a sign that I am slipping into old habits. Either I am not letting myself be a human being (in which I need to "give up," i.e. step away from the art and participate in the world around me) or I am not letting myself create the things that I actually want to create in the moment (in which I need to "give up," i.e. switch gears and work on the thing that is giving me joy-- within ability, i have the luxury to do this as someone who doesn't make coin off her art.)

(FWIW: I have zero sense of object permanency, so whenever this happens, there is always that pang of "oh god what if that's the Last Time I ever open that document. What if I never make art again." But I don't think that's ever been true of a project that I legitimately wanted to see to completion. There are times when that is true, though. IME, it's usually because I outgrew a story, and it's no longer the story I need to be telling right now.)

#sorry for the essay! this unlocked lots of memories and empathy for my teen self #AND TY FOR THE ASK!! #I won't assume your motivation for sending it but I hope it is helpful or at least enrichment for your enclosure

[destinyimage]

Prophetic Word: “A Year of Oil and Fire!”

We need to be cautious when we use the phrase “prophetic word.” 

Here at Destiny Image, we publish the prophets, so obviously, I believe in the present-day availability of prophetic words.  I’ve published books and compilations of them.

The problem comes when we don’t understand the synergy of God’s sovereignty and mankind’s stewardship when it comes to the prophetic. God the Sovereign speaks (in His way, in His time), and reveals supernatural intel to us. As His representatives in the Earth, we have a responsibility to steward these words. We don’t bring them to pass; God does. But we obediently do what the Spirit of the Lord either directs, or invites us into.

So, I have a prophetic invitation for you for 2023... go back to the future.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father” (John 14:12, ESV)

Are you challenged by Jesus’ words in John 14:12? I think for centuries, believers have either read past them quickly (due to the discomforting reality they introduced), or worse, have attempted to redefine them. Simply put, Jesus invites those who believe into a dimension of life where we would do the same works He did through the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit… and yes, greater works. By studying both context and the original language, you cannot escape the reality that works points to miraculous demonstrations of power.

Here's the problem: 50 to 60 years ago, we were witnessing, in many ways, the same works that Jesus did. I am not talking about super-spiritual saints from the Book of Acts or even the first three-hundred years of church history (for more about how the early church was launched and carried by supernatural power, read my book Pentecostal Fire or Dr. Francis MacNutt’s outstanding work, The Nearly Perfect Crime). 

There was a day, not too long ago, when in America, names like Oral Roberts, Kathryn Kuhlman, A.A. Allen, Jack Coe, TL Osborn, William Branham, John G. Lake, Smith Wigglesworth, and others witnessed with regularity miraculous exploits that sounded like they were taken straight from the Book of Acts. Many recognize this period of history as a time of Healing Revival, combined with the emergence of the modern mass evangelistic crusade (with Dr. Billy Graham being the key figurehead there) and the Latter Rain revival of the late 1940’s, where it was taught that all believers had Bible-access to operate in the gifts of the Spirit, the impartation of spiritual gifts through the laying on of hands, and emphasis on the restoration of the five-fold ministry. Each came with its unique controversy, of course. The point? We witnessed something in the twentieth century that, truth be told, we need to go back to in order for us to go forward.

I don’t have a multiple page “Thus saith the Lord” prophetic word to give you, but I do believe the Holy Spirit offered me a few poignant phrases that will help us get back on page with Jesus’ objective: a people who operate in the same works He did, and press in to see greater works.

“If you want what they (revivalists of old) had you need to preach what they preached.” 

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Demonstrations of Holy Spirit power confirmed what?  Not people, not servants, not influencers. Signs, wonders and miracles confirm the Word (see Mk. 16:20).  In the last 30-40 years, after the Charismatic Renewal of the 1960’s and Jesus Revolution/Jesus People Movement of the 1960’s and 70’s, we – in many regards – redefined the Gospel. It’s become “Come to Jesus and He’ll make all your dreams come true” instead of “Jesus died for your sins. God loves you, you’re a sinner, and there is a great chasm between you and God right now because of your sin. Receive the atoning work of Jesus’ blood so you can have right sanding before a holy God.” This was the message thundered by the awakeners of old: George Whitefield, John Wesley, and Jonathan Edwards. Charles Finney preached and personified this message. Billy Graham surely did not water it down, regardless of how many people showed up at his meetings. It’s time to preach the Gospel again and anticipate signs, wonders, healings and miracles to break out as attestations to the purity of the Gospel message.

“2023 is a year of oil and fire.”

Many prophets presented the invitation of Psalm 23 as something of note for 2023.  One phrase I do believe the Lord is highlighting from the oft-repeated psalm is “you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” For those willing to “buy oil,” which speaks of cultivating a deep, Scripture-based and experiential one-on-one relationship with the Lord, I believe there is a divine invitation to experience what Paul describes as the ”fullness of God” (Eph. 3:19). Truly being filled with the fullness of Holy Spirit points to an overflowing cup; you are so filled, the Holy Spirit within you starts resting upon you and spilling out of you. Truly, filled and saturated people impact the atmosphere around them because of how much Holy Spirit oil is pouring out of their lives. This is the result of what is cultivated in secret, not paraded before onlooking masses. 

If you go back, you will go forward into the future with supernaturally-infused momentum. 

Heaven is waiting for a people to return to the ancient paths, preach the Scriptural Gospel, and do the works of Jesus. It’s not complicated.  We’ve redefined Christianity to cater to a fast-food, pop-culture, social media generation. For nearly two-thousand years, saints, martyrs, reformers and revivalists burned with an uncompromised, demands-all Gospel message that often came with an attestation of Kingdom power. Who are we in the twenty-first century to have the audacity to move those ancient boundary stones and adjust the Gospel and wholehearted surrender to Jesus to accommodate modern comforts?  I’m convinced if we study what the men and women of old preached, how they lived, and begin re-introducing priorities such as prayer, holy fear, God-centric worship, a passion for solid theology, the supremacy of Christ, the centrality of God’s glory, and unrestrained and restricted Holy Spirit, we would pick up where our forefathers (and mothers) left off. At this point, we would witness the same miraculous works that Jesus did being performed again by a Spirit-saturated company of people, and quickly escalate into that end-times demonstration of “greater works” that will accompany the preaching of the Gospel and happen rapidly as communities, cities, regions, and even nations experience radical in-breakings of the raw, tangible, holy Shekinah glory of God. Let it be so, Lord!

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[aroclawthornes]

Blooming Brilliant, an Aroace Willow Park Manifesto

[id: a gif of a heart locket opening. One half of the locket displays a picture of Willow Park from The Owl House, winking and making peace signs with her fingers. Blue and yellow stars surround her. The other half reads "willow park my beloved." /end id.]

Greetings! It’s me, User Aroclawthornes, and instead of working on all the time-sensitive homework I have I sat down and wrote an essay explaining why I think Willow Park OwlHouse could plausibly be read as aroace, and why it would be a thematically enriching interpretation. I’ve never written anything like this before, so it’s oddly formal, a little pretentious, and contains a lot of qualifying language, but I'm confident that it gets my point across. I’m not intending to speak over other interpretations of Willow or assert that it's the only true way to read her, but it's a headcanon I find interesting, and I think there’s a lot of evidence to back it up, between certain elements that Willow’s arc employs to some good old overanalysed symbolism. If you're aspec, I hope this is validating; if you're not, I hope it's interesting; if you don't care, scrolling past it is quick, free, and easy.

Some disclaimers on terminology: I’m speaking from an aroace perspective, and so when I say “aspec coding” I’m generally referring to both orientations as a catch-all - a lot of the coding surrounding Willow could go either way. I’m also going to be talking about commonly accepted “aspec” narratives, but I’m aware of the limitations of this insofar as my experiences are only a single facet of the diverse range of aspec people in this world, so anyone who wants to add or argue anything - respectfully - is encouraged to.

Analysis below the cut!

The Thing About Plants

I’m not going to pretend that an association with plants is historically indicative of aspec coding, because, frankly, there haven’t been enough aspec characters to establish it as a convention, and it’s also a fairly wide-reaching branch of symbolism. However, I am going to propose that lighthearted comparisons between asexual people and plants (however misguided on functions of plant reproduction they are) are fairly common elements of budding ace teenage humour, as are related quips about photosynthesis.

[id: a screenshot of Willow from "I Was A Teenage Abomination", depicting her sitting on the ground while casting a spell over a small, pink flower. /end id.]

I’m also not going to claim that the colour green Belongs To Aromantics, and therefore that All Plants Are Belong To Us, but in tandem with everything else I’m about to cover, the connection between Willow and plants seems like a fairly plausible nudge to a relatively common element of aspec humour.

“Half-a-witch” Willow and the Late Bloomer Experience

[id: a screenshot of Willow with glowing green eyes, from "I Was A Teenage Abomination", depicting her summoning a mess of thorned vines. /end id]

Willow is literally nicknamed “half-a-witch”, in reference to her supposedly incomplete state - this is a sentiment eerily reminiscent of the pressure to find one’s “other half”, which affects aspec - especially aromantic - people particularly profoundly. She’s considered a late bloomer, someone who hasn’t reached the societal milestones of growth at the expected age, and who is derided and considered immature as a result of this perceived failure. However, we quickly discover that Willow is, in fact, an exceptionally competent and powerful witch - taken out of the restricting frame of the Abominations track, she’s able to grow into her own, “complete” person, therefore proving that she was never really lacking in anything in the first place. Like real-life aroace people, she was perceived as limited and immature based on the expectations and judgements of other people, but Willow was never deficient in anything, least of all herself.

[id: a screenshot of Willow and Luz from "I Was A Teenage Abomination". They are holding hands - the former is laughing with her eyes closed, and the latter is grinning, while covered in abomination goop. /end id]

As far as symbolism goes...the track Willow is initially put in literally requires her to conjure up another humanoid entity, with the expectation that she will therefore prove herself to be a whole and mature person. Only with this ability, she’s told, will she be successful and happy as an adult. The shapelessness of her attempts at conjuring an abomination reinforces this connection in my mind - if I may reference this quote from Ducktales 2017‘s (absolutely stellar) A Nightmare On Killmotor Hill, in which the protagonists explore their own subconscious fears via. the dream realm, for a second:

“I think that’s supposed to be my romantic interest, but I’m too threatened by the concept, so it never takes shape.”

A lot of young aroace people find themselves in situations where they attempt to convince themself of their interest in someone in an attempt to be “normal,” or end up lying in response to family members or friends’ questions about crushes. While Willow’s abominations, first and foremost, represent the expectations from her school, classmates, and family to be a successful, “complete” witch with a profitable future, I think that with an aroace interpretation of Willow they could also very easily be read as representing some latent insecurities over a lack of attraction, or pressure to find a significant other.

(I’m not condemning Willow’s dads, by the way - they seem like perfectly lovely fellas, and I’m confident that they were doing what they thought was best for her. They’re certainly very quick to drop everything to assure her future in Escaping Expulsion, so obviously they care about their daughter very much.)

Greens, Blues, and Yellows: Colour-Coding Willow Park

A while back, I made this post comparing Willow’s palette to the aromantic and aroace flags:

[id: a screenshot of a post depicting the aromantic and aromantic asexual flags, colour-picked from images of Willow in her Hexside uniform and casual dress respectively - these are overlaid on top of the flags. The caption reads "observations on willow park". /end id.]

The grey-and-green aromantic flag has long been the accepted mainstream symbol of aromanticism, and, as the above post - and many others - demonstrate, Willow’s palette reflects it near-perfectly. This could easily be a coincidence, owing to the palette of the standard Hexside Plant Track uniform, as well as her hair and eye colours - which are obviously supposed to be reflective of her plant-related abilities. However, given how fond of employing hidden meanings The Owl House has shown itself to be, I don’t think it’s far-fetched to claim that there’s at least a chance that her palette was constructed with the flag in mind.

The latter is...a bit more problematic for me, although it’s fun to joke about. The blue-and-yellow aroace flag was only created in December 2018, relatively late into The Owl House’s initial production, and it’s still relatively obscure, although on the rise in popularity as the accepted aroace flag (I only recently started using it myself), so I don’t know if Willow’s casual wear is enough to verify the presence of any deliberate subtext. I think it’s a fun coincidence, however, and (as was pointed out in this post) it’s cool that these blue and yellow stars surrounding Willow occur in the same frame as Luz’s bisexual decor:

[id: a photograph of Luz, Gus, and Willow, all surrounding a disgruntled-looking Principal Bump. Luz has flowers in the colours of the bisexual flag decorating her hair, while Willow is surrounded by bright blue and yellow stars. /end id.]

also seen above: powerful bi/aspec solidarity

Conclusion:

Do I genuinely believe that Willow is being deliberately written this way? If you’d asked me, say, two months ago, I’d have said probably not - as far as queer representation in kids’ cartoons has come, it has a ways to go, and focusing on transgender characters seems like a more obvious (and equally invaluable) route to go down. I can name maybe five explicitly aspec characters off the top of my head, two of whom have been written as alloromantic and/or sexual in adaptations or continuations of the source material (I have...some grievances with 2005 Doctor Who). But the emergence of Raine, an explicitly nonbinary character on Disney Channel, has given me a little spark of hope, and so, even if it’s never confirmed, it’s comforting to be able to see a character with such strong elements of aspec coding and think to myself, just maybe, that there might be some intent behind it.

I also...really want to see interesting things done with Willow. We’re halfway through Season 2, and despite some promising setup for her arc in the Season 1 finale, she’s sort of been left by the wayside lately in favour of developing the more “plot-relevant” characters, such as Luz, Amity, Eda, and Hunter. Frankly, I think it’s a disservice to her Season 1 development, despite how much I adore all the characters I just listed - beyond any personal motivation, the prospect that Willow could be aroace adds a lot of sorely-sought depth to her, and, as detailed, a lot of this has already been set up in her earlier episodes. I just...I think it’d be neat. Rarely do you get a kids’ show so brazenly queer in its themes as Owl House, and aspec people deserve to be included in that.

Willow would also be great aroace representation because, well - those five or so aspec characters I mentioned being aware of are all white or “raceless” (...also written as white, basically), and so an aspec Asian character would be a really lovely step forward in this area. Additionally, all the characters I referred to are also conventionally skinny, and Willow is not only fat, but written in a way that doesn’t treat this feature as a caricature. People who are more knowledgeable on these topics than I are absolutely free to make additions, as is anyone who feels like I’ve left certain details out.

tl;dr: Willow’s association with plants could be read as a cool nod to aspec humour, her “late bloomer” narrative is eerily reminiscent of some common aspec experiences, her palette speaks for itself, and it’d be really cool if we could diversify the so-far fairly bland sphere of aspec representation.

I’m going to conclude this by linking Rose by The Oh Hellos, because they’re my favourite band, they share The Owl House’s initials, and I also think it’s a good Willow song. Peace out.

#the owl house #willow park #pspspspsps you will read my 1.5k word aroace willow essay #hooting #meta #willow #aroace willow manifesto #fuck it. this is getting posted

[tigerkirby215]

5e Akshan, the Rogue Sentinel build (League of Legends)

(Artwork made for League of Legends by Riot Games.)

HE’S HERE HE’S HERE HESHEREHESHEREHESHEREHESHEREHESHEREHESHERE...

It’s no secret I’ve been excited for Akshan since he was first announced; the prospect of a grappling hook champ was simply too interesting for me. Seeing him now... I’m having slight reservations? I really dislike his Scoundrel mechanic (who had “bring back Garen Villain mechanic” and “revival mechanic” on their 200 years Bingo card?) and I kinda wish the grappling hook was incorporated more into his kit but... he still seems fun? It looks like he plays like a Twitch with more of an assassin focus, and Twitch has always been a fun character. I’m probably not buying him immediately on release but I’ll grab him when he drops down to a standardized price.

But anyways I’m here to build funny grappling hook man! ...Without his grappling hook. Look I’m going to tell you right now that while there is a grappling hook in 5e there’s little way to get a grappling hook gun like Akshan has, and while I’ll do my best to provide options in this build don’t get your hopes up. If that’s enough to make you lose interest in the build I’m sorry, but I do hope you stick around to read it anyways.

GOALS

Reclaimed by the light, yade yade yada... - Reviving people in real life is hard. Reviving people in League of Legends is a little easier. Reviving people in D&D though? Pretty easy.

Stealth time! I mean, stealth time...! - You will never guess what class the character with “Rogue” in their title is.

Only one way out of this mess; skyward! - Like I said I unfortunately can’t give you a grappling hook... gun. I can still give you the grappling hook item, and ways to climb out of dangerous situations!

RACE

Akshan is human according to the lore, so feel free to leave your complaints about Variant Human at the door. You can put +1 into your Strength and Dexterity for super Akshan action! You can also grab proficiency with the Persuasion skill (because how can you say no to that smile?) and whatever language would fit as Shuriman.

Of course Variant Humans get to grab a feat at level 1, and hello Crossbow Expert my old friend! Get that double-shot passive in while also fighting up-close and dirty. Oh and not needing to reload is obviously nice.

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - You’re still a marksman, which of course means Dexterity for shooting.

14; CHARISMA - You fight with a roguish charm. Rules are more like guidelines really, and why follow rules if they ruin your style?

13; STRENGTH - You need strength to throw grappling hooks if your DM doesn’t give you a proper grappling hook gun. Also carrying reobtained loot from warlords is nice.

12; CONSTITUTION - Even if you’re a squishy marksman / assassin having health is still a good thing.

10; WISDOM - You picked a few too many fights with bad people, but you’ve still got a good heart.

8; INTELLIGENCE - Grappling hooks are cool and all but attaching a grappling hook to an ancient relic used to vanquish a prophesized evil isn’t the brightest plan, and ignoring that prophesized evil for your own personal vengeance quest isn’t a good idea either.

Feel free to swap Strength and Constitution if you want better health but worse grappling hook tosses.

BACKGROUND

Akshan was an Urchin before being saved by Shadya. You get proficiency with Stealth and Slight of Hand as well as some tools, but I’d honestly suggest replacing them with Jeweler's Tools and Leatherworker’s Tools to keep your outfit in check. (Mostly because you get Thieves’ Tools from your class and won’t need a Disguise Kit.)

As a Shuriman kid you know all of the City Secrets. When you are not in combat, you can lead your allies through the city twice as fast as your speed would normally allow. Being a street kid does give you some valuable knowledge!

(Artwork made for Legends of Runeterra by Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - ROGUE 1

Wow who would’ve guessed the character with “Rogue” in their title is a Rogue?! As a Rogue you get proficiency in Acrobatics, Athletics, Insight, and Deception. But feel free to swap it up to make your own Akshan! You can also get Expertise in Acrobatics for rope-swinging tricks, and Stealth to hunt down scoundrels!

When you find the scoundrels deliver swift Comeuppance with a Sneak Attack! If you have advantage or fight dirty with an ally near the enemy you can do an extra d6 of damage with your shot! And to top it off you’ve spent enough times in the streets of Shurima to know how scoundrels talk and can use Thieves’ Cant to trick them that you’re one of them, or can listen to scoundrels talking to know when to stop them.

LEVEL 2 - ROGUE 2

Second level Rogues can opt not to attack and instead use a Cunning Action to Dash, Disengage, or Hide as a Bonus Action. “To the shadows; where the scoundrels hide!”

LEVEL 3 - ROGUE 3

Third level Rogues get to choose their Roguish Archetype, and to get the ability to swing around on ropes the Thief is about as good as you’re going to get. That’s because Second-Story Work makes it so climbing ropes doesn’t cost extra movement, and also lets you jump further if you have a running start. In addition you have Fast Hands, allowing you to use your Cunning Action to make a Sleight of Hand check, use your thieves’ tools to disarm a trap or open a lock, or take the “Use an Object” action.

Now here’s the thing about using your grappling hook: most DMs would consider throwing a Grappling Hook to be a “Use an Object” action. So as a Bonus Action you can throw your grappling hook and then use your climbing speed to climb up the rope, as if you were grappling upwards! Of course talk to your DM if that’s okay, but if they let it happen you’ve practically got a flying speed at level 3! As long as there’s walls to grapple on, at least. “Akshan, away!”

And to top it off your Sneak Attack also increase to 2d6.

LEVEL 4 - ROGUE 4

Feel free to skip your first ASI if you want some Sentinel abilities first, but I consider Dexterity more important for a Rogue. More shooting, more AC, and better stealth!

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 5 - WARLOCK 1

The Light Sentinels are a powerful, ancient entity who gave you powers in exchange for a set of rules. Just because the one who signed you up is dead and you don’t really follow the rules doesn’t mean you can’t still use their powers! But truthfully I just wanted a Charisma caster and you all know how much I love Warlock. Naturally powers against darkness and undead would be Celestial in nature! While you normally use The Absolver’s Healing Light to revive people healing is also useful. You have a pool of d6s equal to your Warlock level plus one. As a bonus action you can heal a creature you can see within 60 feet of you, spending dice from the pool. The maximum number of dice you can spend at once equals your Charisma modifier. Roll the dice you spend, add them together, and restore a number of hit points equal to the total. You regain all expended dice when you finish a long rest.

In addition as a Celestial Warlock you get Bonus Cantrips like the Light cantrip to see with your dumb human eyes as well as Sacred Flame cantrip to deliver Comeuppance! And of course to get cantrips you also get Pact Magic! You learn two cantrips from the Warlock list like Prestidigitation to be cool and flashy, and Mage Hand which can help you with your... legitimate business.

You can also learn two first level spells like Guiding Bolt and Cure Wounds, straight from the Celestial List! Mark a foe as a scoundrel and keep your friends alive and well! “Go; and die no more.”

LEVEL 6 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get Eldritch Invocations: normally you get two but we’re only going to take one for now. But which one? Mage Armor is the best AC you’re going to get until you get magic armor which means that Armor of Shadows could be good, but Mask of Many Faces will let you choose your outfits however you please, and keep them from getting dirty! Basically I’m leaving you with a choice: if you want better AC but worse infiltration go for Armor of Shadows. Alternatively if you want the ability to sneak around in plain sight then Mask of Many Faces is a good choice for you!

You could also learn another Warlock spell but we’re going to wait for...

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 3

Third level Warlocks get their Pact Boon, and while the Absolver isn’t quite a “blade” Pact of the Blade is still the boon related to using cool ancient relic weapons! If you want to upgrade Pact of the Blade into “Pact of the Blade and also Sentinel Weapons” take Improved Pact Weapon.

Now here’s where I’m going to have to tell you to homebrew with your DM a little: for whatever reason Improved Pact Weapon lets you summon a shortbow, longbow, light crossbow, or heavy crossbow. Notice that there’s no Hand Crossbow on that list. This (technically) means that you can’t summon a Hand Crossbow, even if you take the Invocation tax for Improved Pact Weapon. Pact of the Blade does let you bind to any weapon... as long as its magical, and the lowest level magical Hand Crossbow you can get is either a +1 Hand Crossbow or a Crossbow of Warning. (Both good items to have but not necessarily something you’ll find in your adventures.) In short the official rules don’t let you have a Hand Crossbow.

Honestly I see no reason why you can’t have a Pact Hand Crossbow, but if your DM’s a stickler about it you can survive with either a Heavy Crossbow or a Longbow. (Depending on your preference.) If your DM doesn’t allow you to use a Hand Crossbow take Sharpshooter as your level 1 feat instead of Crossbow Expert, as you’ll get more use out of it.

tl;dr talk to your DM about letting Improved Pact Weapon let you summon a Hand Crossbow. If they say no edit the build with that in mind.

Anyways you can also learn more spells like Invisibility to sneak around, and Misty Step for good ol’ Flash.

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 4

4th level Warlocks can get an Ability Score Improvement... or a Feat! It would be easier just to grab Eldritch Adept now and talk about which Invocation you’ll use it for next level.

You can prepare another spell at this level at least, and also learn another cantrip! For your cantrip Minor Illusion can be used to make distractions while sneaking, and Mirror Image is a good spell to keep alive.

There are other spells you can take instead if you so desire. Lesser Restoration from the Celestial list is never bad to have, and Darkness can be used as a Smoke Bomb which you can’t see through with your dumb human eyes. And of course there’s the obviously good spells like Hold Person or Shatter. I’m trying to build what’s most accurate to Akshan, as well as what I believe would be the most useful. Feel free to change the build as you wish.

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 5

5th level Warlocks get more invocations like Thirsting Blade for a bit more attack speed with your Absolver. You can also cash in that Eldritch Adept Invocation to take One With Shadows, to hide in the shade of a wall until it’s time to surprise your foes! “That’s right; it is I!”

And finally we’ve got our revive! Take Revivify to bring someone back from the dead, as long as it was fairly recent. And the best part is you don’t even need to kill the person who killed them! But you will need a lot of diamonds, which can get expensive. “Dear friends: please stop dying. Love, Akshan.”

There’s several other third level spells you could potentially take (notably Thunder Step which might be a good replacement for Misty Step if you don’t mind throwing stealth out the window) but it’s up to you to take them.

(Artwork by @Tsvetyaa on Twitter.)

LEVEL 10 - ROGUE 5

Now that you’ve got the Sentinel part down it’s time to hone your Roguish skills! 5th level Rogues can use their reaction for an Uncanny Dodge, halving the damage from an attack they saw coming. In addition your Sneak Attack increases to 3d6.

LEVEL 11 - ROGUE 6

6th level Rogues get Expertise in two more skills: Deception and Persuasion would be useful to charm your way out of danger.

LEVEL 12 - ROGUE 7

7th level Rogues can swing out of danger with Evasion: if you make a Dexterity saving throw and succeed, you take no damage! And even if you fail you only take half damage! Oh and your Sneak Attack is now 4d6. “Consider yourself, absolved.”

LEVEL 13 - ROGUE 8

8th level Rogues get an Ability Score Improvement: let’s cap off that Dexterity to be the best shot you can be!

(Artwork made for League of Legends by Riot Games.)

LEVEL 14 - ROGUE 9

9th level Thief Rogues can never be found as long as they’re careful. Supreme Sneak gives you advantage on Stealth checks if you move no more than half your speed on your turn. This has insane synergy with One With Shadows as you can turn invisible and then get advantage on stealth (because for some reason being invisible doesn’t do that.) And of course if you go slow and steady you can sneak around just about anything, which is great for when you pop out to do 5d6 Sneak Attack damage! “Ha! I have you now!”

LEVEL 15 - ROGUE 10

Rogues get a few extra Ability Score Improvements... one extra, to be precise. But that means you can bump up your Charisma to be better at socialization and all that Warlock stuff.

LEVEL 16 - ROGUE 11

11th level Rogues get Reliable Talent, meaning the lowest you can roll on a skill you’re proficient in is 10. I always like to go through your skills when you get this ability to show what the bare minimum you can roll is, so...

27 on Acrobatics or Stealth

25 on Deception or Persuasion

21 on Slight of Hand

18 on Athletics

16 on Insight

And your Sneak Attack is now 6d6. What fun!

LEVEL 17 - ROGUE 12

12th level Rogues get yet another Ability Score Improvement, which of course means more Charisma!

(Artwork made for Legends of Runeterra by Riot Games.)

LEVEL 18 - ROGUE 13

13th level Thief Rogues can use any Sentinel weapon they reacquisition thanks to Use Magic Device. You ignore all class, race, and level requirements on the use of magic items, letting you have fun with whatever toys you find. And when all else fails your Absolver now packs a 7d6 Sneak Attack!

LEVEL 19 - ROGUE 14

14th level Rogues are so good at sneaking they can catch the sneakers! You have a 10 foot Blindsense to know if anyone’s hiding near you.

LEVEL 20 - ROGUE 15

Our final level is the 15th level of Rogue for Slippery Mind... You get proficiency in Wisdom saving throws. That’s it. Well how’s about 8d6 Sneak Attack as a final sendoff?

FINAL BUILD

PROS

I’ve got something for you! It’s... comeuppance - Three shots with a Hand Crossbow means three chances to apply your 8d6 Sneak Attack! Akshan is all about burst and burst people down you can certainly do!

Sometimes I even sneak up on myself - Supreme Sneak, One With Shadows, and the Invisibility spell will help you move around in the shadows without being spotted. And even without that you have a minimum 27 Stealth roll thanks to Reliable Talent!

You are reclaimed. Go! Live! - It obviously goes without saying but a little bit of healing helps a lot in the long run. Everyone can appreciate a pick me up.

CONS

You try to rest and some lowlife kills one of your palls! - You have a lot more limited resources than the average Warlock as your Healing Light only comes back after a Long Rest. What’s more is that most of your spells are utility based so it might be hard to get use out of the renewable nature of Warlock spell slots. And to top it off Revivify is expensive! So you’d best be ready to spend a lot of diamonds.

I live by my own code: don’t be an ass - Your Charisma unfortunately isn’t maxed out, which means your Warlock abilities aren’t maxed out. But you don’t really need maxed out Charisma as most of your spells are utility based... I’m just saying Sharpshooter is an option.

Shadya would approve of this... I think - You missed out on level 17 of Thief Rogue which means you don’t get arguably one of the strongest Rogue abilities in the game: Thief’s Reflexes. If you’re not going to get to level 20 anytime soon I think that this build is quite good but if you’re going to get to a high level maybe ditch the revives? (It’s more than likely that Cleric can do it better.)

But you’re enough of a hero without the super-awesome relic weapon that can bring people back from the dead; that’s just an added bonus... as is the grappling hook! Use your natural awesomeness to sneak up your foes and then use your legitimately-obtained weapons-of-mass-absolution to vanquish any scoundrel in your way! And if a depressed ghost king comes knocking tell him that the maximum time limit on your revives expired. “Silly Viego, we can’t bring back those we’ve lost. I mean, I can. But not you.”

(Artwork made for Legends of Runeterra by Riot Games.)

#dnd 5e #dnd #dnd build #dnd guide #League of Legends #League of Legends Akshan #Akshan #grappling hook #dnd rogue #dnd warlock #Sentinels of Light

[alex51324]

Thomas and the Island of the Gays, excerpt #3

Thomas endeavors to understand the appeal of camping.

(Content note:  Early-20th-century racial attitudes and language.  There’s a whole running theme in this episode about Mr. Braceridge (the former Scoutmaster) being a huge woodcraft nerd, and his husband, Father Timothy, constantly having to rein him in.  Unfortunately, Scouting/woodcraft culture of the time was infused what might best be described as “patronizing admiration” of Indigenous Americans.  He means well, but it is, as they say on Tumblr, problematic.  TL;DR, he talks a lot about “Red Indians,” and it should be understood that he is referring to the Indian of the white imagination.)  

***

The room was even dimmer than the parlor-slash-dining-room, until Richard lit a candle that was stuck in a bracket by the door.  Thomas was relieved to see the promised bunks, two sets stacked atop each other like the berths in a railway sleeping car.  Each berth had a striped tick—stuffed with straw, as Thomas determined when he poked one—and a stack of folded blankets, most in Army khaki.  

Thomas was undecided about whether he wanted an upper berth or a lower one, until Morrow put his pack on one of the lower berths, saying, “Wilberforce can’t climb.”  

Thomas was as fond of dogs as the next person, but he didn’t wish to be joined in the night by a wet and smelly one.  He claimed the berth above Morrow’s.  “No sheets?” he asked Richard, unfolding the blankets.

“Apparently rugged backwoodsmen don’t need them,” said Richard, starting to make up one of the lower bunks for himself.  

“Lovely.”  It could have been much worse—a trench, for example—but Thomas didn’t think he’d ever understand why anyone would subject themselves to primitive living conditions when they didn’t have to.  

When they returned to the main room, the fireplace boasted a candle-sized flame, into which Mr. Braceridge was feeding needled-sized twigs, and Father Timothy was saying, “Well, as you have that under control, I’ll just go and see to things in the cottage, shall I? Perhaps someone could put the kettle on,” he added.

Richard volunteered to do so, and Thomas, lacking any better ideas, went along to help him with the pump. Father Timothy had picked up his and Mr. Braceridge’s packs and was carrying them toward the ramshackle cottage. “They’re staying in there?” he asked. It barely looked habitable.  

Richard, working the stiff pump handle, nodded.  “I had a look inside last time I was here—it’s a bit cozier than it looks. Father Tim figures it was the gamekeeper’s cottage.”  

Thomas wasn’t sure that was much to recommend it, but didn’t argue.  The pump, at last, began to flow, and once the kettle was full, they went back inside and began the process of coaxing the Primus stove into life. Fortunately, Thomas had used something similar in the War, and this one, having been stored out of the damp, was less fiddly than some.

Over a late luncheon or early tea of cold meat and bread, the group discussed what they would do with the rest of the afternoon.  Thomas was a bit alarmed to hear Miles and James express their hopes that the rain would slow down enough to allow a little shooting, and Henry declare that he was going fishing whether the rain slowed down or not.

“Didn’t you say we’d stay inside and play cards if it rained?” Thomas asked Richard, under his breath.

“This lot seems a little keener than the ones that came last time,” Richard whispered back.  

“I’m going to stay here and read,” Morrow declared flatly, and remained firm in the face of Mr. Braceridge’s suggestions that he borrow a fishing rod, or at least walk along with the shooters.  

“John,” said Father Timothy, “he is a grown man; I daresay he can make up his own mind.”  Turning to Morrow, he added, “Only I do hope you won’t find it dull.”

“Thomas and I will stay as well, and keep him company,” Richard said brightly.  

“There, that’s settled,” Father Timothy said.  “What about you, Victor?”

“I think I’ll stick close to General Headquarters as well,” he said, stroking his beard.  “There’s plenty I can sketch from the veranda, without risking spoiling my sketchbooks.”

“In that case,” the vicar said, “I’ll show Henry where the best fishing spots are.  You’ll go with the others, won’t you?” he asked Mr. Braceridge.

“Yes, yes,” he said, then brightened.  “I’ll take my bow and arrow.  You chaps will be interested in this,” he informed Miles and James.  “I learnt the art from an American Scoutmaster, who learnt it from a Red Indian….”

He went on talking about archery and Red Indians at some length, and insisted on Miles and James learning the rudiments of what he said was the sign language used by Red Indian hunters to communicate without alerting the prey to their presence.  

As they got up from the table, Richard volunteered himself and Thomas to do the washing-up.  Once the rugged outdoorsmen had left, he explained, “Mr. Braceridge is quite keen on everyone doing his share of the camp chores. Best to keep ahead of it—lowers your chances of being stuck with something nobody wants to do.”

“I see,” Thomas said, though he privately wondered if the gentlemen in the group would really end up doing any of it.  

As they heated the washing up water, Richard also explained, “They went with the others and left us on our own because four is probably enough not to get up to any hanky-panky, but in an hour or so Father Tim will toddle back on some pretext or another to make sure we haven’t paired off.”

An hour would have been more than enough time with anyone Thomas had ever paired off with, but he only said, “Noted.”

“He isn’t terribly pleased by gambling, either,” Richard added.  “Not there’s much that makes sense to play with only two.  Last time, we had to play for matches.”  

“Those might be valuable property out here,” Thomas noted, with a glance at the fireplace.  

Richard nodded.  “We’d best make sure not to let it go out.”

The washing-up finished, they went over to the parlor area, where Morrow was already ensconced in the most comfortable-looking chair, with his book.  The mantelpiece held a small selection of indoor amusements—a worn deck of cards, a draughts board, a few books, and a fairly dire-looking jigsaw puzzle. After ascertaining that Morrow was not at all interested in playing cards, they opted for draughts, setting up the board on a camp stool.  

As they started the first game—and as Thomas tried to remember what little draughts strategy he had ever bothered to know—Richard said, “Admit it—I was right, wasn’t I?”

“About what?” Thomas asked.

“That it’s rather pretty here.”

Thomas hadn’t really been paying much attention.  “Oh, yes. It’s nice.”

“I’d never done this sort of thing before—unless you count going with my employer to his shooting lodge—but I think I rather like it.”  

“As long as you don’t swear off matches and start wearing a pith helmet,” Thomas said, without thinking.

Fortunately, Richard took it in good spirit.  “No, I won’t get that carried away.”

**  And a bit later **

Their walk took them over to the stream, which ran down the hillside with some speed, tumbling over rocks and making a considerable racket, then slowed down and spread out below the camp-site.  Wilberforce nosed along the bank for a bit, before suddenly scrambling down and entering the water with a sizeable splash.  Thomas glanced at Morrow, who did not look alarmed.  “Can he swim?”

“He’d better,” said Morrow.

Wilberforce paddled over to a rock that stuck out from the middle of the stream, climbed up on it, and assumed a heroic stance, forepaws on the highest bit of rock and water streaming from his fur.  He barked, a single sharp yap, and a moment later the rest of them heard voices coming up the path from the other direction.  

“—bit better up at the loch,” Mr. Braceridge was saying. “Have you got a fly-rod?”

Mr. Braceridge’s voice was the one that carried best, but Thomas made out a few other things, about fly-rods and deer, and another mention of the loch.  

“We’ll have to see what the others think,” said Father Timothy.  “They must be nearby, since we heard little Wilberforce.”

“Over here!” Richard called, and after a few moments of rustling, the rest of the party popped into view, on the other side of the stream.  Wilberforce hopped down from his rock and clambered up the other bank, going from one person to the next and sniffing at their trousers.

“Ah, good,” said Mr. Braceridge.  “There’s an expedition in the works—track the river to its source, what?”

Father Timothy translated, “If the weather’s fine tomorrow, we thought we’d walk up to the lake.”

“Good fishing up there,” Mr. Braceridge amplified.  “And shooting.”

“All right by me,” said Richard, and glanced at Thomas and Morrow, who made noises of vague agreement.

Mr. Braceridge started talking about sorting out stores and oiling rifles, but Father Timothy spoke over him.  “Perhaps you chaps wouldn’t mind popping the kettle on—we’ve got to go around the long way, to get to a place we can cross.”  

Mr. Braceridge took a step closer to the bank, eying the rocks that dotted the stream.  “Could make it here—hop from rock to rock.”

“You’ll fall in and catch your death,” said Father Timothy, tugging him back from the bank.  Mr. Braceridge didn’t look particularly impressed by this argument, until the vicar added, “And if the others were foolish enough to follow you, they’d spoil their guns.”  

With that, Mr. Braceridge assented.  Morrow whistled for Wilberforce, who splashed back through the stream to them, and they started back for the bunkhouse.  

“It’s only supposed to be about an hour’s walk up to the loch,” Richard told them as they walked. “I didn’t see it last time, since it rained the whole time.”

“I don’t mind going,” Thomas said, since it sounded as though Richard wanted to.  

“Is anyone going to ask if I mind?” Morrow asked.  

“You can read there just as well as anywhere else,” Richard pointed out.  “The rest of them will be too busy shooting and fishing to bother you.”

“Oh, all right,” said Morrow, resignedly.

#thomas and the island of the gays #thomas barrow #my fic #excerpt #preview

[pensurfing]

I Surrender.

By the time I actually post this, it’ll be near the end of the year and I’ll be near my burnout. Each year, usually I take an unannounced, but quiet, break. 

2020 feels different this year. Usually, I return in January; but this time I don’t think I can return. Too much happened in so little time and as a small creator, business, entrepreneur, small EVERYTHING I can’t ignore what lurks over my head. An ultimatum. 

I was in denial about it.

I thought maybe if I pushed making the decision back as far as I could, something would change. That as long as I worked hard, promo’d my sales and merch, did as many virtual cons as I could, something would change. Networking in newer groups, looking around for clients, and wanting to make new merchandise; name it. I did it. Work hard and reap the benefits later; while that is true there is also no shame in knowing when to quit as well. I was in denial about how long the pandemic in the States would last. I was in denial about needing help with my mental health. I was in denial about so many things in my surroundings. The biggest thing I was in denial about was my importance, impact, and ability to move forward with where I was with my art journey. The biggest reason why I was able to keep it up was due to the constant questions of “How’s it going? What are you up to? How are you?” No one (at least the way I see the world) actually answers this truthfully. So I just kept saying fine and for a while, I genuinely believed it. I lied to them. But to be fair, I lied to myself too.

I was angry about it.

I stayed here for so long.

SO. 

Long.

I was angry that I felt ignored; angry that I reached out and others had their hands tied as well; angry that I still managed to make sure others didn’t drown like I was drowning & didn’t think to help myself because I’m stupid; angry that the pandemic did last this long in the States; angry at me for not pulling some magic trick out a hat that I’m not sure existed; just angry. (tw: self-harm, vivid imagery) I was so angry I took it out on my debit card and self-sabotaged my good spending habits. I took it out on my legs and arms and broke a seven-year long streak of not hurting myself; I carved myself up entirely and punched the bricks of my house. I took it out on people. I don’t quite know how yet, but I feel like I did. Maybe I had a shorter temper than normal; I stopped reaching out and making sure I fully listened to their problems. I kept caring more about them than myself during this phase. And they just kept taking. And I became an empty cup, they moved on; I see that I’m just disposable. Which, isn’t wrong. All I could handle and still can handle is heavy convos with my therapist. (I don’t have her anymore, that’s right. I can’t afford her anymore.) All I could handle was trying to write it out, map it out, talk it out.

I was angry I didn’t see a point anymore. I felt like I didn’t deserve the tiny wins I did see because I didn’t go through some kind of threshold of pain and suffering to earn it. I was angry and the crumbs tossed my way in the name of “diversity” and “trying to hire black” because of guilt and white performance. I was angry being lead on with a tiny thread of hope because that thread was bigger than the nothing I’ve gotten this entire time. I was so angry and blaming myself for things that were completely out of my reach and capability. I was just really angry.

I tried begging my way out of it.

I looked for online classes of any sort to traject myself into a sort of hope. Buying hundreds of dollars in books, classes, anything in information I just didn’t have prior to the pandemic; and now because of the pandemic, the information will be obsolete as the world adjusts and readjusts to its changes and collapse in remaking itself. Making flash sales on my website if it meant seeing eight dollars by the end of the month. 

I didn’t stay here long because of my own twisted viewpoint of begging.

I was depressed about it. 

I stayed here the longest. It was already enough having the above marinate within me; add to the mixture of new relative drama, relatives passing away, and just not being in a healthy household... I grew tired. I stopped taking care of myself. Anyone with depression can tell you that dealing with that darkness is an uphill battle; usually, the first to go is my hygiene. But I just slowly stopped drawing altogether. I don’t draw when I’m not together. I’ve mentioned this many times over the years verbally and in written form on here. So I just kept taking breaks. I had a small string of commissions here and there, but that was the only illustrations I could create and that was its own battle. 

I tried mentioning it to people I was close to, but after a while hearing “it be like that sometimes” just isn’t helpful and isn’t worth explaining the story. So I just stopped talking. And not having my therapist made it harder. Especially because I have a lot of emotional dumpers who don’t understand boundaries. I don’t blame them, but after a while of nonconsensual emotional dumping I had to stop listening to another group of people because I just couldn’t handle any more weight; either they didn’t see I was drowning or didn’t care. It doesn’t matter anymore. 

I couldn’t enjoy the walks recommended by many; not even my favorite restaurants; or shows; or books/mangas; food in general; people in general.

Listening to music at least helped the “I’m sinking” feeling. But it was quickly ruined with “well intent” friends with; “Maybe if you drew something you’d feel better”, “Sketch, paint, it’s therapeutic”, “dRaW”. You get the picture. It had a double sting because it acknowledged two things: These ‘friends’ don’t know much about me and what brings me happiness; This isn’t about my happiness, but more about their own selfish requests to see more work from me because they don’t know anything else besides “I’m an artist, I draw, therefore that is all I am and all that can ever make me happy”.

See it this way: You have a friend. Friend is a musician. Your friend is slowly going deaf and loses their hearing. You can at least do small, everyday sign language. But not enough to handle a full conversation. Until your deaf friend can afford that hearing aide, talking to them will be a bit harder. But instead of learning more sign, you complain about how the person can’t hear as well anymore, so they become “quieter” and you stop reaching out to them. Projecting the “why can’t you just listen”. “You know what will make you feel better? If you play your music again, make mixes. We miss that.” “You sing, why not sing to make yourself feel better.” If the person cannot hear, how can they continue to make sure their craft is correct? In tune? On tempo? If a person is not in the mood or mental capacity to draw, then how can they draw? If all you can see is that you only know about friend is that they are a musician, can they really be a friend? Or just acquaintance?

Projecting the thing you get joy from said ‘not ok’ person and just demanding they do more of the thing you enjoy isn’t helpful; but selfish. Because in that case it isn’t about the person, but you and your expectations and things that you get from said person. Once they stop giving you the thing, then it’s about ‘how-dare-you-not-give-me-my-thing’. And I stopped caring to go through this consistent loop and being talked over when trying to explain myself.

I sat in my bathtub more than I had in years; the irony is this is comforting. So for weeks, this is where my mind and mental capacity have been. Sitting in my tub, with a blanket, my phone, and my switch. I’ll stay there all day and go to bed; sometimes I’ll sleep in the tub and stay there all day. I listened to music. Just daydream. I write a bit more now for my own purposes. It’s been nice. But not enough to get me out of a funk.

I finally accept it.

I’m just a person to be there and happy for others and their things. I think I finally get that now. I’ve slowly removed myself from social media and with the expectation of performance. I’m not a performer; I’m supposed to just be the audience. While this isn’t an “I quit” because this is all my job experience the past few years now, this is just an “I surrender”. I’m used to the fact in my waking life I’m no person’s ‘favorite’ or ‘go to’; so I guess now I’m coming to terms with that with work and with drawing in general. I have company clients I’m wrapping up work for but after that, I’ll be taking down my commission information and artist alley gallery. etc. I’ll shut down the store; I’ll do one last sale and either give away/throw away my extra items.

I just have to start entirely from square one. Maybe negative one? I went on what feels like the world’s longest pity party to say I’m taking a break, and seeing how the world broke in 2020 there is a chance I won’t be able to come back. And I don’t want people jumping me say “how dare” “you don’t try hard enough” or “shut up and just wait until next year/try again next year”

I’m covering my bases. If things look up then I’ll just happily delete this later.

But I can’t just ignore the reality of it all. I’m not ok and I haven’t been. And I just want to stare at my ceiling guilt-free for a bit. (I did this last night and it is fucking gross looking, gotta clean it.) 

Stay safe, stay indoors, and stay clever.

[[TL;DR: After continuing to get beat down by the world the past two years, this year pushed me past a tipping point. I can’t keep being a lukewarm illustrator at best and I am slowly wondering if I even want to; I want the space to figure that out. And don’t want the same friends who tell me “draw this, color this” to hound me on that decision either: it has the same energy when a kid with asthma can’t breathe and you talk over them and say “just inhale and exhale”.]]

I hereby release me from the pressure to post consistently because honestly, it is the only time I hear from anyone anyway So this is me choosing silence for a bit.

#ramble #vacaymode #goodbye #for now

[petty-revenge-stories]

Falsely report me for sexual harrassment enjoy coworkers turning on you

WARNING: post does contain some language but its important to the story.

As I stated in my previous post I worked for a Korean car manufacturer for 3 years as a Quality Control Manager. I have hearing difficulties and am classified as hard of hearing/deaf and require hearing aids which I don't wear to work. All of this is important to the story.

I was not the person that did the revenge, but they were my coworkers.

quick cast list CW1-4: coworker 1,2,3,4, SB: stuck-up bitch, MM: my manager, HR: human resources person, OW: Office worker, Me: that one guy

TL:DR at the bottom as this will be a little lengthy

We had recently installed new machines that produced an important part that was in high demand due to recent changes in the manufacturing process. We had to hire more people due to the fact that these machines are not calibrated perfectly and my department had to check every part before it was shipped, which is about 2000 per shift and about 4000 every day. When they are completed they are too hot to handle even with heat resistant gloves. We had to wait 6+ hours for them to cool down. This makes the volume needing to be checked and shipped very high. One of the people who was hired was SB. Now on to the story.

So me, CW1, and CW2 are checking parts in one group along with SB, CW3, and CW4 in another group with about 30-40ft between groups.

My group had been playing xbox recently after work to relax .

CW1: dude we got f*cked last night in that match

Me: yeah I know that was bullsh*t that guy f*cking us up

CW2: yeah I couldn't do sh*t against him

We talked like this for a good 20-30min before MM came around and told us to load what we had on the truck and get started on a new batch.

About 10 min before I had noticed that SB had disappeared and assumed she went to the restroom. I was very wrong.

Out of the corner of my eye I see SB, MM, HR, and OW walking towards us and SB has a smug look on her face.

MM: Can you step over here please?

Me: sure whats up?

HR: It has come to our attention that you have been harassing SB, using vulgar terms as well as sexual comments.

Me: I am quite certain that I did not and the only thing I have said to SB is instructions on what she needs to be doing today. You can ask CW1, CW2, CW3, and CW4 if you dont believe me.

MM: I will do that and get them to sign the same paperwork that you need to sign with your side of the event.

MM, HR, and OW end up questioning my coworkers and they all sign the paper saying that I didnt say anything to SB. There was alot of swearing from our group though which we admitted to. SB more than likely heard us talking since without my hearing aids in I speak loudly and those that know me wont correct me since I go back to being loud quite quickly.

HR: Due to that fact that you admitted to the language we will be giving you a warning but dont let it happen again or we will have to let you go.

Now I understand that the rules at my work stated that swearing would get you in trouble, but everyone else has the decency to ask you not to swear in front of them if it makes them uncomfortable.

This is where the coworkers I was with that day showed me support. They made sure that this incident which was supposed to be confidential was told to everyone that worked there. As I was basically friends or on good terms with most of the employees I had, people were asking if I was getting fired and basically telling me there were going to get back at SB which I discouraged but did so halfheartedly.

After the incident everyone was watching and listening for SB to slip up and anytime they heard SB swear or say anything every seemingly inappropriate they reported it and was written up. As one of the managers I had to check and file the write ups and make sure that SB signed the write ups. After 2 months SB had 20 incidents. I made sure I wasnt the one telling MM and HR but got another floor manger to mention SBs file had a lot of write ups.

HR found out and went ballistic because first SB reported me so they were watching me like a hawk. Then they find out SB was getting reported for similar issues with many more witnesses. Needless to say they let SB go and informed the other manufacturers in the area of the incident so they wouldn't hire her either.

TL;DR SB reports me on false sexual harassment employees give her a taste of her own medicine

(source) story by (/u/deafscholar)

#pettyrevenge #by /u/deafscholar #petty revenge #revenge story #petty revenge stories #revenge stories #last10

[babyybitchhh]

Shikamaru or Senku?

Damn, anon. You really just came for my throat like that. I don’t know what I’ve done to hurt you but, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I swear it won’t happen again. 🤧

Okay, okay. All jokes aside. This is a real toughie and I’m gonna have to reveal just how much of a dumb bitch I really am to explain my answer. Yes, I fall back on the zodiac to fill in any gaps in characterization and determine just how compatible I actually am with fictional men. Sue me. As per usual, this post got a bit away from me so if you want to skip down to the TL;DR for my final answer, please do. I encourage it, actually. lol 

Ishigami Senkuu

January 4th - Capricorn

Strengths: leadership, responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

Weaknesses: lack of compassion, know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. They will learn from their mistakes and get to the top based solely on their experience or expertise.”

“Known for their rational approach to life and their emotions are often well hidden from plain view. Not only is it imperative for them to stick to the realm of absolute intimacy to open their heart for someone but they are often not fully aware of their feelings before hardships occur. This will put pressure on their love life as they have to make a strict and specific equation out of everything, distancing them from carefree and smiling partners who wish to have fun in a relationship.”

“There is nothing easy in the love life of these individuals but they will not see this as the end of the world. They have enough passion and warmth carried within and if mutual respect is found and strong boundaries respected both ways, they will be prepared to let someone into their world and protect them with their shield.”

“As an earth sign, Capricorn has a powerful and instinctive sensuality which expresses itself in a straightforward and natural way without the need for props, frills or adornment. Is it somewhat bereft of romance? Well maybe, but what Capricorn lacks in the way of sentimentality, it more than makes up for in terms of responsibility and discretion ... once it overcomes its initial reserve and caution, it can usually be relied upon to give full satisfaction, no matter how long it takes. As with most other things in its life, Capricorn prefers to take its time over its lovemaking, and its highly developed self-control gives it the stamina to stay the course.”

Nara Shikamaru

September 22 - Virgo

Strengths: pure emotion, loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: sensitive to toxic environments, shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

“Virgo’s are always paying attention to the smallest details and their deep sense of humanity makes them one of the most careful of the zodiac. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and although they are often tender, their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid, true or even relevant when opposed to reason.”

“Feelings of love and life may be a bit like ocean waves that move with the current. With so much water flowing through their primal nature, their rational mind will easily fade around those that touch their heart. This makes them vulnerable to all sorts of betrayals and wrong compromises along the way. They need to be stable and firm in understanding and deciphering their own feelings before anyone else’s or they might lower their guard too far down.”

“They need a partner who is as fragile as they are but also someone who is aware of the strength of their emotional world.”

“ Many Virgos aren’t particularly comfortable with demonstrative displays of emotion or dramatic, over-the-top outbursts. Normally quite shy by nature, they prefer to express their affection in tangible, down-to-earth ways: love for them is about actions, not just empty words. Big worriers who don’t find it easy to show their feelings, Virgos are prone to internalizing their anxieties about their physical desirability – frequently making themselves ill in the process – and can often be a bit uptight around sex. To balance this, they need lots of reassurance that they’re actually perfectly okay!”

Now ... y’all can correct me if I’m wrong, but that all sounds pretty spot on to me. Like, it’s accurate. I’ve mentioned this a few times when replying to comments on my Dr Stone fics, but I really enjoy how nuanced Senkuu is because there’s a lot going on under the surface of his cool facade. He’s very task-oriented and objective about what needs to be done, but he’s also extremely sympathetic towards others even if he tries to play it off. It seems hard for him to be honest about his feelings because, frankly, they’re not rational enough for his liking, so he tries to find ways to justify them. On the flip side, Shikamaru is a little similar with his cool, objective-oriented outer shell but he’s conversely quite sensitive. Like, hella sensitive. That boy is not anywhere near as tough or impenetrable as he acts and I do think at least part of that is a defense mechanism of some sort to shield his heart, even before Asuma died but especially afterward. They’re both tough to penetrate emotionally and they guard their true feelings so well that it actually does manage to fool people. I mean both the characters around them and also the fans watching at home. So at this point, there doesn’t seem to be a conclusive winner and it should come down to a simple matter of preference, right?

Well, let’s see what the stars have to say about throwing a Leo into the mix.

Capricorn + Leo

“... have one thing in common and it’s their awareness of self. It will be a rare occasion when Leo is attracted to Capricorn but the other way around seems more probable.”

“Both are extremely devoted, especially to each other. Although they may seem to be an unlikely couple on the surface, their love will grow as they discover similarities.”

“Like Barbie and Ken, you’re a good looking pair ... your shared love of achievement and impressive ambition sends power couple fantasies running through your heads. If you’re out to conquer the same goal, your combined skills make you quite an awesome force to behold.”

“The physical intimacy between a Leo and a Capricorn is where this mismatched couple can come together. Leo is hot, physical, feminine, [and] enjoys giving pleasure. In a day to day life, Capricorn is reserved and proper but when it comes to sex, he wants it wild, woolly, rough and tumble. Lucky for him, Leo has a similar sexual appetite. It’s in bed where Leo has the power to make customarily reserved Capricorn throw caution to the wind and become a bit crazy in love.”

“What you’ve got here is one sign with a forensic eye for detail and another who paints with an incredibly broad brushstroke. The possibility of driving each other crazy is real.”

“Capricorn is more likely to be attracted to Leo than the other way around - they’ll watch the lion prance, preform and captivate with their personality and either instantly dislike or feel uncomfortably drawn to them.”

The good: both seek success, Capricorn teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Capricorn passion

The bad: Leo thinks Capricorn is a cold fish, Capricorn thinks Leo is a show off, it all gets too hard to compromise

Virgo + Leo

“Their rationality might turn into an intellectual battle for sexual dominance, that is, if they ever reach the point in which they both want to have sex with each other.”

“Leo shows Virgo good times and fun, and introduces the spontaneity that is often missing from Virgo’s life. Virgo teaches Leo patience and focuses their intellectual energy.”

“Leo plays cheerleader to pessimistic Virgo while levelheaded Virgo steps into the therapists role, mirroring Leo’s angst until a breakthrough is reached. This is a safe emotional harbor for both of you.”

“Virgo and Leo see their time together in bed as a celebration of their love and commitment. Both are hopeless romantics so there will be plenty of physical foreplay, including morning kisses, long evening embraces, candles, flowers, and massages. A creative and open minded Leo is always willing to try something new and Virgo, who is no prude either, will be a willing follower. Together these two can reach sexual heights they’ve never experienced before.”

“A comedy of errors ...Leo and Virgo are forever working through misunderstandings and mending communication fences. Often it’s as if they speak different languages.”

“Leo pounces and Virgo, invariably, plays hard to get, rebuffing the lion and appearing completely underwhelmed by their charms. This of course drives Leo into a frenzy of heightened passion - they pull out their A game and deliver super hot maneuvers. The funny thing is that such scenarios are usually Virgo devised and orchestrated. They’ve probably observed the flamboyant lion in action - noted that everyone submits to their charisma and decided to go in the opposite direction. If played correctly Leo becomes a lovesick pussy cat ...”

“Virgo is a bit of a tease - for much of the “falling in Love” phase they love-starve Leo who shamelessly begs for morsels of affection. It actually makes the attraction between them electric.”

The good: Virgo teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Virgo to have fun, they are fascinated by each other

The bad: messy Leo drives neat freak Virgo crazy, negative Virgo brings Leo down, poor communication abounds

So ... what did we take from all that? Well, first of all, both of them are apparently going to teach me patience which I admit I sorely need. Conversely, I’d bring passion, fun and spontaneity to their lives. On one hand, Senkuu seems like he’d be much more drawn to me than Shikamaru because even though I do stay drinking my dumb bitch juice, we have similar driving forces in our lives and I’m not a complete idiot. I love science, especially when it comes to learning about space and how the world works, just not the mathematical portion. That part can eat my ass tbh. On the other hand though, if Shikamaru and I could sort of find a common ground to stand on it sounds like it would be a very healthy relationship for the both of us which I need so badly it’s kind of not funny. Like, I’m self-aware enough to realize what I need out of a hypothetical relationship and it (unfortunately) is the kind of emotional connection that facilitates healing and growth rather than stagnation. I don’t think either of them would just sit there and watch me flounder in my angst, as one of those quotes put it, but everything is pointing at Shikamaru being much more well equipped to tackle the problem while simultaneously needing the same in return, which I would be more than happy to give him.

TL;DR: I actually cannot pick between them. I just can’t do it. I love them both for strangely similar but also drastically different reasons and, objectively, I can’t say I like one more than the other. Both give me soft, doki doki feelings that I don’t know what to do with and even after thinking on it for about two hours, I’m incapable of saying with definitive certainty that I like one more. So all I can go off of is what the zodiac has to say about our compatibility which is pointing at both potential relationships being rocky with their ups and downs, but Shikamaru being the more sensitive of the two comes out the winner in the end. That’s not to say I wouldn’t work with Senkuu to truly become the power couple we both secretly crave, but I know my emotions can get away from me at times and it seems to me that Shikamaru would be a smidge more understanding in that department. 

I realize this definitely isn’t the answer you were expecting, anon, and I absolutely considered scrapping this whole post more than once. lol But I didn’t want to shrug off the question just because I couldn’t decide which of them I liked more. Anyway, for the sake of posterity, here’s what the zodiac has to say about me for comparison. 

August 7th - Leo

Strengths: Energetic, creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

Weaknesses: Hasty, arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

“Love is the focus point of these individuals, and while their intellectual and instinctive sides are the first ones to show, we will see that they seek someone equal, to share their inner states with. They need a lot of support and a calm partner that soothes their Soul, someone quiet enough and intimate enough to feel safe with. Easy to detach from reality and our planet Earth, their relationships either speak of the unseen and the impossible or present a safe haven where their bodies can rest, and their routine can be brought to balance.”

“Open for new things and often ready to openly show their sexuality, they need a fine touch of love they are worthy of in this lifetime. Romance can be obstructed by their need to prove a point or become the image of something they admire, but as they get closer to their inner truth and become aware of their talents and potentials, they invite the right partner to be within a strangely peaceful union. Although they sometimes stand opposed to marriage and structures and forms that put any relationship in a drawer, they will gladly commit to the right person by their side, in all those surprising and unusual ways.”

“This Fire sign is passionate and sincere and its representatives show their feelings with ease and clarity. When in love, they are fun, loyal, respectful and very generous towards their loved one. They will take the role of a leader in any relationship, and strongly rely on their need for independence and initiative. This can be tiring for their partner at times, especially if they start imposing their will and organizing things that aren't theirs to organize in the first place. Each Leo needs a partner who is self-aware, reasonable and on the same intellectual level as them. Their partner also has to feel free to express and fight for themselves, or too much light from their Leo's Sun might burn their own personality down.”

“Sex life of each Leo is an adventure, fun and very energetic. This is someone who has a clear understanding of boundaries between sex and love, but might fail to see how important intimacy and emotional connection is to the quality of their sex life. Every Leo needs a partner to fight through their awareness and reach their sensitive, subconscious core, in order to find true satisfaction in a meaningful relationship.”

(Spoiler alert: this is all true, except the part about taking on the role of leader in relationships. I genuinely love being dominated in bed, but only if I deem my partner worthy or adequate enough to get the job done. Other than that though, I can’t say any part of this is horribly incorrect. Oops. : / )

#inane rambling #naruto #dr stone

[missmagicandlight]

Happy 169th Birthday to California!

has a belly button piercing

owns way too many pairs of flip flops

probably says dude too much

can skateboard

might not be the smartest state, but she knows her stuff and the second you try to condescend to her she’ll kick your ass

generally a pretty chill person but she’s very protective of her siblings

is a kind of a baby about cold, but she knows what snow is, okay, it does snow in the northern part

food snob lowkey but would kill for an in-n-out burger at any given time

Hispanic-Asian

likes working with startups because she likes to see the stuff that’s gonna change the world

worked for google for a time because she thought it was cool

has a bazillion photographs all over her house

too many posts on instagram

cooler than 45% of the entire human race and 94% of the dudes that try to hit on her

looks so good in crop tops it should be illegal

Curvy Girl With Stretchmarks Would In Fact Fight Guy For Offering Unsolicited Advice About Her Body

peace signs and finger guns when she’s in an awkward situation. Brooke insists Cal’s stealing her brand

gets so annoyed by bad Mexican food. if she wanted bad Mexican food she would cook

not a very good cook. sometimes she can make something great but that’s pretty rare. 

Nate to Carmen at some point probably: “Carmen, you have to feed Cal. She doesn’t cook and she will starve to death.” 

to which Cal probably responded with something along the lines of either “Hey, I have a very diverse collection of takeout menus.” or “I have instant ramen.”

tl;dr Nate has concerns about Cal

has a thing about avocados. you don’t want to know how many times she’s reenacted the ‘its an avocado, thanks’ vine after someone gave her one as a gag gift

speaking of the avocado gag gift, Nate did it and she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction so she just straight up bit into the avocado

it’s worth mentioning she has poor impulse control at this point

has a nose piercing and a handful of ear piercings

likes tiny dogs because they fit in her bags and she can smuggle them places

could verbally (in about twenty languages) and physically fuck you up.

film school nerd

kicks ass at scene it 

#September 9th 2019 #aph california #birthdays

[smoothshift]

Slow Car Fast vs. Fast Car Slow: An Experience via /r/cars

Slow Car Fast vs. Fast Car Slow: An Experience

TL;DR: Fast car slow more fun than slow car fast. Jimmies rustled.

Though not as often parroted as it used to be on here, perhaps due to the ever increasing performance of cars across the board, "I'd rather drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow" is one of the most common mantras of r/cars, second only to Miata Is Always The Answer (M.I.A.T.A.) Last week, I got a taste of both back to back and would like to share my perspective.

Let's start with the slow car. The 1988 Ford Mustang LX. How slow can that be? Well have you ever heard of the 2.3 Lima engine, probably most famous by the Ford Pinto? Yes, that Ford Pinto. This isn't the EcoBoost 2.3 we're talking about. This two valve iron pig wheezes out an anemic 88hp. With the free-er flowing exhaust and intake we might by up to a whopping 90hp on a good day. Slow car? Check.

bUt ThAt'S nOt A rEaL sLoW cAr, It'S hEaVy AnD cAn'T hAnDlE.

Maybe in stock trim, but not this particular one. It's far from heavy. The stock weight comes in at around 2700lbs. But this one has been carefully slimmed down. By which I mean it was missing a whole lot of stuff when we I bought it. Not much interior to speak of, no luxuries, and even the modern trend of no spare tire. Last weigh in it was just a hair under 2500lbs, no driver, so we're in NB/NC Miata weight range. Now for the handling. It's anything but stock there as well. It's got the benefit of a whole lot of upgraded suspension parts, mostly secondhand from my other Mustang. It's biggest weakness is it's still running a 4-link rear. Not quite the certain death and turning radius of a Nimitz class carrier people would make it out to be, particularly at this power level.

But enough about this heap. On to the driving. It's everything the cult of Miata worships. That engine has anything but a broad torque curve. It's gutless below 2500 RPM, and thanks to its archaic design runs out of steam by 4500 RPM. It's that skinny, asthmatic kid in your gym class that gets out of running the mile, begging for his inhaler. And with that narrow power band, you have to be very conscious, and really hammer it to keep it there. It reminds me of driving an old 2-stroke Detroit Diesel. Just like the old saying about those Detroits, the first step to driving it was to slam your nuts in the door to get you good and pissed off so you would flog the piss out of it just to get anywhere. With that total lack of power it was a momentum car. You had to carry speed with you as much as you could (and not just for corners, but for any hill larger than a speedbump for fear of rolling back down.) So you really had to wring it out and push it in every corner just to keep up your speed. With the stiff suspension and graciously wide 225s on it, it stayed planted. You sure didn't have to worry about overpowering it coming out of a turn, as even mashing the throttle to the rusty floorboard (weight reduction, right?) wouldn't emit so much as a chirp, even on a wet road. There was much more tire than there was power. And so, true nirvana of slow car fast was achieved, working an underpowered, light, well handling car through the turns.

...and I fucking hated it. It was novel at first with this car, giggling as I floored it, feeling like outright abuse. It was that same Beavis and Butthead laugh of doing something you weren't supposed to be. But that feeling soon faded. It felt like a chore. I shouldn't have to work this car so damn hard just to get somewhere. It wasn't fun. Angrily mashing the accelerator, slamming through gears, running a racing line through corners, then you look down and...I'm only doing 25 mph? What the hell? I felt like I accelerated and shifted more than a Fast and Furious chase scene. And even when you're on your A game, giving it everything it's got, Eurobeat thumping in your ear, you're still liable to get your doors blown off by an impatient Camry, or cyclist. Not one of those Tour de France give me all your steroids types either, little Suzy with her streamers on her handlebars and training wheels will blow past you. You briefly contemplate holding your jacket out the window as an impromptu sail. And it's so pitifully underpowered, yes you can push it to the limit [80's music intensifies] but it's so much damn work to get it there. Granted this might be partially due to the suspension set up and more tire than it needs in this case, but everyone talks about how euphoric it is to have a car that just sticks to the road like that. I find it incredibly disappointing. It never feels that wild or dangerous. It's like driving a go-kart at a birthday party, but there's none of the gifts and heat lamp warmed greasy pizza that comes with it.

After all that frustration, I had to jump over to the fast car; the 00 Mustang. Yeah, yeah, yeah...another gutless pig that can't handle, right? Not this one. There's no engine from an economy car known for erupting into a ball of flames. Instead it's a thoroughly built all aluminum DOHC V8, with a screaming roots blower atop it. But that was never enough. That blower is fed by twin Nagasaki noisemakers for a rather tame 15psi in street trim that will be discussed here. That's more than enough for that fast car feel. But don't think that handling hasn't been addressed. This one is even more decked out than the 88, complete with a fully independent rear suspension and a whole lot more tire. This car is the antithesis to the slow car 88. Not only does it boast such a potent powertrain, but it's got a full interior and then some, a true decked out street car, worthy of sailing carrier escort missions with the U.S.S Challenger, tipping the scales above 3800lbs. Though weight distribution has been carefully managed, with lots of components relocated rearward to offset the Shanhai Spoolie-bois up front.

You get in this thing, and it instantly wants to go. Even letting out the clutch is a different experience. With its power and tall gearing it leaps out to 15mph almost instantly. There's no stopping it. It is just pure hate. If the slow car is a Pomeranian, a little angry under just the right circumstances, but ultimately non-threatening because you can yeet it into the next zip code, then this is a Belgian Malnois, straining at the leash, barking, razor sharp teeth gleaming in the moonlight, just begging to be set loose and eviscerate the road ahead. You have to lean back and put your weight into it to hold them back, the leash cutting into your wrist, and they're restrained for now...but just barely. ...or instead of all those flowery words, I could use a language you'd prefer, memes. It's the nice, soft SpongeBob versus the ripped, Rambo SpongeBob one.

Most of the driving is rather pleasant. Driving city streets are fine. In fact you barely need any throttle. It's nice and smooth. There's no lugging it, the power is there all the time. You can putter along nice and easy. It's relaxing. There's no frustration of having to work it hard. Now part of the whole argument is that you never get to use the power of a fast car "slow", or on average streets. But that's a lie. Driving it on the exact same routes as the slow car there are little opportunities here and there. Overtaking cars, on ramps, or just plain getting up to the speed limit from a stop light. And holy hell is it a totally different experience. When you let go of that leash, all hell breaks loose. The power is there across the entire rev range. It's not as violent as a roots blower or big block car. You don't get whiplash, but you get slingshotted to speed. Your knuckles are white as you grab on tight and hold on for dear life. Even if you romp on it barely above idle, already rolling, that red tach needle screams up as the tires spin. Not pizza cutter all seasons like the slow car either; these are 315 drag radials. You don't even really notice them spinning, just the sensation of the back end skating around like an ice rink. You might make it into another gear or two before hitting the speed limit, but with that tall gearing it doesn't take much. And it's so fast. You blink your eyes and you already have to be on the brakes. It's the opposite of the slow car. You're not asking how you're only doing a certain speed, you're shocked that you're already doing a certain speed. How did that happen? You have to slow it down, the engine burbling and crackling as it revels in its evil work, a mechanical maniacal laugh.

Now at this point you're probably taking a sip of your smug-a-cola and thinking "See? That proves my point. Slow car fast is always fun because you can push it hard, and fast car slow is only fun for that split second." After this I'm thoroughly convinced of the inverse. The slow car fast is never fun. It's infuriating. You have to work it hard and you never really get a reward out of it. With the fast car, even if you limited it to 5% throttle, just cruising around nice and slow, it's more enjoyable. Even if you limited it to just one 50% throttle blast up to the speed limit, that second or two is infinitely more enjoyable than a thousand miles of winding roads in a slow car.

I'm prepared for the disagreement. I know I'm in the church of the slow car fast, where Mazda died for our sins, where we live by Jinba Ittai and the altar is adorned by a golden Miata. The trinity of slow car, handling, and manual transmission is symbolized by the holy rotary Dorito, and we make the sign of the manual shifting in an H-pattern as a blessing. But I'm going to be down the road at the church of fast car, with blackjack and hookers. You can spot it by the burning E85 pentagrams.

#reddit #autonews #auto #cars

[awed-frog]

So, the cuestion about writing it's just... I love writing, I love reading, I love my ideas and I really believe they're good ideas, but I can't finish them and I really don't know why. I thought maybe it was bc I had to plan them better, or bc I had to let myself just write and see what happens in the moment; I thought maybe the problem it's that I should tell them in a different way (like for a comic that then I could draw) but nothing I do works and it really hurts

Hi there! Thanks for writing back! So, what you’re describing is really a common feeling - I think most writers or artists have felt this way and can recognize what you’re describing. I’m going to talk about my experience, and I hope you can find something that you can relate to and that can be helpful to you.

The tl;dr part is, I think there are many possible causes for not being able to finish a story. Here are a few of them:

you’re having technical problems

you’re too much of a perfectionist 

you can’t put on paper what’s in your head

you’re having what I call ‘the Vermeer problem’

you have too many ideas for other stories and can’t focus

you’re experiencing a lack of support for your writing

you are bored with your own story

you’re afraid to finish the story

you can’t finish the story

you can’t tell these things apart

Let’s have a look at them, and remember - I’m talking about my experience here, so this might not apply to you at all. I’m just talking into the void hoping this will help you in some way.

1) This is the most common problem for someone who’s only just starting out. You know your beginning should capture the readers’ attention, but you don’t know how to make that happen. You know the ending should be spectacular and magically solve every issue, but you don’t know how to get there. Since we are rarely taught creative writing in school, this is completely normal, and there’s no easy way to get past it. Like for everything else, you’ll need a lot of practice, and maybe some kind of formal instruction (for instance, this is a good book, but there are many more). So, you know - do what works for you. Maybe join a writers’ club, or an online challenge. Read and reread books you like, and remember to read them ‘with the mind-set of a carpenter looking at trees,’ as Terry Pratchett put it. If you can, write every day - I find codas are a great way to practice, get better and get read (and if you’re comfortable to, you can ask your readers for pointers or criticism). Not being very good at writing is a big problem, but it’s also a problem you can solve. 

2) Being a perfectionist is one of those things that often trips you up more than it helps you, and there are some areas of your life - relationships, foreign languages, writing - where you have to let go of it. If this is an issue for you, remember that everyone is crap when they start out (do you know the original lyrics to Beatles classic Yesterday? ew!) and maybe experiment with breathing exercises, with yoga, or try writing with a soundtrack to get out of your mind a little. So, really - I’m not saying perfectionism is bad, but save it for your baking efforts and last drafts - your first draft gets to be as crappy as it likes.

3) This is a very common problem. When you do creative things, be it writing music or quilting, there’s often a great deal of anxiety and dissatisfaction in finally starting a project because the more your work, the less it looks the way you’d imagined it would. Sometimes I write something that’s supposed to be sad, or that was hilarious and sexy inside my head, and the I reread it and it’s just - flat. This happens to virtually everyone, but there’s something very important we need to remember: in the words of Jim Sollisch, “Writing is the art of figuring out what you know, not the process of recording what you already know”. Think about it like this: the inside of your head is a different country. Writing down a story is like finally getting to that city you’ve been wanting to visit for ages and ages - sure, you’ve seen all the IG pictures and you’ve planned your visit and you’ve fainted and drooled over museum websites and recipes of traditional dishes, but now you’re here, and it’s real, and it’s different. You’re here, and maybe it’s raining, and maybe that famous art gallery is closed on Sundays, and maybe that blueberry pie is way, way too sweet for your taste, but still - you’re here. Isn’t it wonderful? You can smell this city and walk down its street and discover small secret corners you never even knew existed and maybe fall in love with this one person you never ever thought you’d meet. So this, to me, is a necessary step to writing: to accept that daydreaming is good, that planning can be useful, but when the time comes, you have to let go of all of that and discover the reality of what your story is like.

4) I don’t know if you read Tracy Chevalier’s Girl with a Pearl Earring - it’s a favourite of mine, and I reread it a couple of times because I love how she writes UST, how understated and yet vibrantly present the feeling is. And anyway, towards the end of the book, the portrait is finished - this one, I mean -

- and everybody says Vermeer should finally sell it and start painting something else - only, Vermeer is not happy. He takes to spending hours in his studio - not painting, not working - just staring at the thing, because it’s beautiful and balanced and textbook perfect, but something is missing and he doesn’t know what (if you haven’t, please read the book and find out how he solves this, because it’s really beautiful). This is a feeling I often have when I read a first draft - everything that I wanted in there is in there, but something still feels - off. And here, I think, there’s no magic way of solving the problem - you can either ask a beta for help, and hope they see it, or you can keep working on it (and reading other stuff, and practicing, and getting better) until you see it yourself. 

5) This is another familiar feeling: you start writing something and BAM, you’re distracted by something else. And here, you need to find out what kind of person you are, because some blessed people can work on two projects at once, and others just can’t. Me, I always fool myself and think, ‘I’ll just work on both things, a week has seven days, how hard can it be’ - but nope. Right now, for instance, I’ve got about thirty books of Roman history on my desk because there was this story screaming at me and deafening me and I really wanted to get it out of my head, but today I’m finally giving up and bringing all that stuff back to the library and accepting this is not going to happen - not right now. Not as long as I’m writing a different story and I’m in a completely different headspace. And if you’re the same way - just keep a folder, or a notebook, and fill it with these half ideas and pieces of dialogue and then put them out of your mind. One story at a time - that’s a good and reasonable goal. Because another problem of a beautiful and tantalizing scenario popping into your mind when you’re struggling to finish a chapter for something else is - that other thing is automatically going to look more appealing, because it’s not real, because it’s untested, because you haven’t ruined it yet. And that’s why you’re tempted to abandon that stupid thing you’ve got in your hands that’s not working and go pursue something else. But, again, that’s probably not the best idea. Sometimes you just need to see a story through, no matter what.

6) That said, it’s hard to finish a story when you’re keeping it to yourself. I used to be paranoid about sharing things, but fanfiction helped me to appreciate the importance of feedback. So even if you’re writing original fiction, it could be a good idea to give fanfiction a try - signing up for a bang could help you to stay motivated and focused (you’ll have a beta, and maybe an artist!), and writing codas will usually get you some attention, because many people will automatically look for codas and ‘missing scenes’ after the end of an episode. If you’re not interested in that, consider sharing your work with a friend, a teacher, or a writers’ group. 

7) This is a tough one. Maybe you’re writing fanfiction and fall out of love with the show. Maybe you’re writing original fiction but you’re no longer interested in the story. It’s okay - not every story is meant to be. You’re allowed to give up (and you never know - there are writers who go back to their manuscripts ten years later, so I would advise against burning everything in a fit or rage). The trick here is giving up for the right reasons, so before you decide to walk away, look at your story again and ask yourself: what is it that’s not working? Could this get better with a new, exciting character? Should I drop this stale plot twist? Go with a different ending? If you can get your mojo back by shifting the pieces around, give it another try; but if the whole thing’s just a chore, and you simply lost interest, move on.

8) Many of us have a problem with endings. Ending a story usually means leaving your characters behind, and close a period of your life. If you write longer stories, fics and novels are like songs - they’re usually tied to very specific moments, and in letting them go you also let a part of yourself go. Plus, there’s always a lot of pressure on getting the ending right, because that can make or break a story, and it’s often the moment when big things happen - maybe there’s a slowburn that’s getting real, and you’re afraid the long awaited kiss won’t measure up to the fireworks display you implicitly promised your readers. Or maybe someone’s dying, and you’re not ready to say goodbye. Or maybe the big plot twist you’ve been teasing forever and ever just seems childish now, and you’re not sure how to make it more impressive. Whatever the reason, endings are hard. But, again, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. A lot of things can change between your first and last draft, so you have some time there. If you’re writing fanfiction, your readers will appreciate to finally know what happens, and if you’re hoping to publish your manuscript, an editor will probably help you to shift things around and make them better. Plus, as difficult as it is to say goodbye to this world you know intimately well, there’s also a sense of relief in finishing anything that takes up so much of your time and soul. It feels good. So: breathe. Relax. Write. 

9) A distinct problem is that you objectively can’t finish the story, or even get past the middle, or past two pages of heartbreaking dialogue, because you simply don’t know enough about that world yet. You have this great idea but you’d need to be an expert in microbiology, or cordon bleu cuisine, or deep space, to make it work. Or maybe you’re daydreaming about your very own Westeros, but your writing keeps getting interrupted by stupid, yet necessary details (how far away are these two cities? how fast can horses travel? what kind of swear words would a character with a made-up religion use?). If you’re devoted to your story, and determined to make it work, you’ll need to do research and plan and get answers to your questions before starting to write too extensively, because the wrong scientific detail can make your entire plot collapse. And the thing is, doing research is not always possible. Maybe you don’t have time right now, or access to the right resources (speaking of, there are some excellent blogs here on tumblr that will help you with making stuff more believable - a favourite of mine is @howtofightwrite). So, it’s painful, but there are some projects that need to be postponed, and others that will probably never happen at all. 

10) Finally, a big problem is that sometimes it’s hard to tell these things apart. Are you bored with your story because you can’t write a certain scene, or is it just a boring story? Are you being a perfectionist, or is this chapter actually out of balance and weird? Is this ambitious story too much for your current skills and knowledge, or are you just giving up? There is no easy answer to these questions, which is why I think it’s important to not walk away too easily - maybe come back when you’re in a better mood, or change your writing soundtrack, or set up a fake interview with yourself explaining why you’re so happy your novel is now taught in every school in America. If you can’t write, try drawing. If you can’t draw, create a moodboard for your characters, or a fake Wikipedia entry for your imaginary country. Play around with your story. Switch POVs. Create walls. Write scenes you won’t necessarily include in your final draft - get your characters trapped in an elevator, have them fired, have them hurt someone, or reminisce on childhood memories, or trudge through a really bad day. Go through writing prompts or shower thoughts or creepy Wikipedia entries and write something about that. Try to truly be honest with yourself, day after day (maybe keep a diary?), so you can get better at understanding whether it’s time to power through or time to take a break. 

Finally, I think that engaging in creative activities, whatever they may be, should be a way to make your life better, not worse. There are times when you’re just not inspired, times when you have zero ideas and zero wish to write or art or do anything, times when it’s actually better to focus on other things - your studies, your work, traveling, relationships - so that one day you’ll have something to write about. And that’s okay. Writing is like life - it’s messy, and it changes, and you change, and you just have to be patient with yourself and find a balance between loving the hell out of it and not take it too seriously. I hope this could help with getting you started, and I wish you all the best for your life and those stories crowding inside you, waiting to be told.

#ask #writing #writing tips #writing advice #writing is hard #and lonely #imo you're amazing for even trying it #pat yourself on the back #and be kind to yourself #you can do the thing #<3

[a-salty-frenchfry]

all da questions fam

I hate you

Ask me things

1. What’s your middle name? Elyce

2. What are you listening to right now? Hikaru Nara by Goose House (from Your Lie in April)

3. What was the last thing you ate? McDonalds 

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My aunt

5. Do you drink? Nah. I will when I got to Paris this Summer though hehe

6. Do you smoke? Hell no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Hair

8. What is your hair color? Black/light brown at the ends 

9. What is your eye color? Brown

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Nada

11. Dogs or cats? Cat 

12. What’s your favorite animal? I guess cat or bunny 

13. What’s your favorite television show? The Next Food Network Star or any of the Seasonal Baking Championships

14. What’s your favorite movie? Either Frozen or Moana 

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Taylor swift and Alizée

16. How old are you? 18

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yeeee

18. What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

19. What’s your favorite color? Pink or mint green

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? 

This is the only one I can think of right now 

In February, when I was at a French Conversation Hour, someone kept calling me and everyone is like “you should answer it” (I NEVER answer the phone if I don’t know the number by the way). So by the 4th call, I answered it, put it on speaker, said “bonjour”, and started speaking in French and acting like I didn’t speak any English (just in case it was a scam or something). After a few moments of worry and confusion she says “I have a package from Amazon…is this [my name]?” Then I start apologizing like crazy, everyone bursts out laughing, then I go to meet her at the Student Center to pick up my package and apologize some more (because mail services were closed and I ordered one day delivery). I explained that I was in a French club and never answer unknown numbers. I hope I gave her a fun story to tell her coworkers lol

TL;DR I answered an unknown number speaking in French in case it was a scam, turns out it was an Amazon employee with my package and I made her worried that I didn’t speak English

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Not really. Probably still me, but without ADHD because it sucks and I hate it 

22. What were you like when you were a kid? Hyper and lazy

23. What would your dream house be like?

Cozy one or two-story home with a lawn and nice furniture. The dream would be in the kitchen though since I love baking: double oven with convection, beautiful sink w/motion sensor faucet, and stainless steel two-door fridge w/freezer and a blast chiller, professional Kitchen Aid stand mixer, you get the gist. Basically a Food Network competition style kitchen 😍

24. What last made you laugh? SB2 reaction to Sailor Moon Crystal videos.

25. What is your favorite word? Fuck

26. What is your least favorite word? Almost anything that is associated with nsfw content

27. What turns you on? Boys who are too pure for this world (my current crush went on a 7-month international trip to do charity work in third-world countries 😭❤️ )

28. What turns you off? Conservatives (doesn’t mean I won’t like you at all. It just means I won’t like you romantically, which I’m assuming is what this question is asking)

29. What is your star sign? Cancer

30. What are your favorite books? The Mortal Instruments series

31. Do you have any siblings? Younger little shit brother 

32. Do you like to dance? Alone

33. What is your definition of cheating? Acting on romantic/sexual feelings for anyone other than current significant other

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? No

35. Do you regret anything? Lots

36. Do you have any phobias? Arachnophobia and astraphobia

37. Ever broken any bones? No

38. Ever come close to death? More than once. Peanut allergies are a bitch 🙃

39. What is your religion, if any? Roman Catholic, but very loosely

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No

41. Are looks important in a relationship? Meh. While looks are usually what attracts and starts a relationship, in the long run, you love the person for their soul, not just a pretty face

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? Mom

43. What is your favorite season? Spring

44. Do you have any tattoos? No

45. Do you have any piercings? Ears

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 2 bfs

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Multiple

48. Who is your celebrity crush? Don’t really have one, but I guess Zac Efron?

49. Are you a virgin? Yes

50. Do you get jealous easily? Only with close friends

51. What is your favorite type of food? Italian

52. Do you ever want to get married? Yes

53. Who was your first kiss with? I’m #foreveralone fam

54. Have you ever been cheated on? No

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? A walk. Just walking around a park, or an amusement park, or maybe a festival; talking, holding hands, perhaps buying a snack/souvenir from a street vendor; taking in the scenery and enjoying each other’s company.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Ambivert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yes and no. The universe is way too fucking big to be certain

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? Musical

59. What is your saddest memory? When my parents broke the news that my grandma died

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. See 41. You can’t “love” someone for who they are before you even meet them. Otherwise it’s lust at first sight.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? Sure

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? The lower half of my hair was dyed blue for about 5 months. Then I dyed to black again because Prom and Graduation 

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Not that I know of

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? Not MY moral code.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 1) I know 3 languages. 2) I want to go to culinary school in Paris. 3) I used to do horseback riding

66. Who are you jealous of? Anyone @sheeptansplayground calls her best friend who isn’t me lmao

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? No Yeah, like 3

68. How long was your longest relationship? 7 months

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? There’s liquid in it

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Do something romantic that’s tied with Filipino culture (even saying something like “I love you” in Tagalog is good enough for me. Lame I know, but I have low standards lmao)

71. Who is your most loyal friend? @sheeptansplayground  or so I thought

72. Are you in a relationship? No

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? N/A

74. Are you a bad person? I’m human. Good/bad person is an imaginary concept made up by society. It all depends on perspective.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? Lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday? Had family and a couple friends over

77. What is your favorite quote and why? “People push you to your limits and when you finally explode and fight back, they think you are the mean one”. I relate to this a lot. There’s only one person I’ve ever exploded on and have felt *true* hatred for, yet I’M the unreasonable one.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? Fall into a major depression and give up on everything

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Reblogging this fucking post. 

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? EAT and confess to my crush I love him 

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

When I was in elementary school, I had a dream where there was this “special” star in the sky, and it looked like something out of a children’s book (it had a smiley face with dimples and was pretty cute). But I was unimpressed by it, which apparently hurt its feelings because it frowned and then shot down like a shooting star. Then the cops came after me. After that, I became afraid of shooting stars for like 5 years.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? Idk I’ve never had a “real” relationship

83. Who were you in a past life? A tiger Lol thanks BuzzFeed

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? Spending time with my grandma every Summer and Thanksgiving 

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yep

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Nope

87. If you were the president, what would you do? Fix the damn healthcare

88. What is your ideal career? Pastry chef, perhaps a well-known one on Food Network

89. What is your political affiliation? Democrat

90. Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal af

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Depends on your definition of “perfection”

92. Do you like kissing in public? Maybe a quick peck on the cheek or lips

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Goodbye greed

94. Where would you like to live? Either current hometown or France

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Nice, France

96. Describe yourself in one word. Shy

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. For the most part I’m a Cinnamon Roll™, but push me over the edge and you’ll get a demon. (Connected to question 77)

#reply #ask me anything meme #sheeptansplayground #i thought you were my best friend #traitor

[mvsicbookfrxndom]

OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE, 'CAUSE I HAVE THE BEST MOTHERFLIPPING STORY EVER TO TELL YOU!!!

Here's a mental image to paint in your mind:

A socially impaired, lonely teenage girl is hiding in the bedroom she shares with her younger sister from her parents, reading fanfiction on a device she isn't supposed to be using because she's a rule-breaking savage. It's spring break, which should be really fun and awesome, but it isn't because her home life isn't really all that great. Which is why she's hiding in the bedroom she shares with her younger sister from her parents.

She isn't just reading any old fanfiction, either. She's reading Monsieur George deValier's Hetalia: Axis Powers fanfics. They transport her to a world of ubiquitously inclusive homonormativity and give her hope that true love always wins in the end, because its love. No matter what gender anyone happens to love.

Her parents would pass out if they knew what kind of scandalous stories her eyes gobble up while they converse suspiciously about whether or not their rogue daughter is slitting her wrists upstairs.

Which she isn't. She's doing something almost more painful - imagining what it would be like to come out of the closet. To openly admit to the whole world that she isn't monosexual - in fact, she's the furthest thing from it. To have more accepting parents, to have more accepting people around her in general. To not be judged, to be safe in her home instead of being cast out, abandoned. To find her one true love and be devoted forever, whatever gender they might identify as, because that couldn't matter less to her.

George deValier's works have brought to her life a new dimension she never imagined she'd discover. She wishes she could meet him - who knows if he's even a man at all? - and hug him. Tell him he's changed her life forever. Thank him for existing. If only anyone knew who he was so this could happen.

TL;DR: I love George deValier more than my own family.

There's my "setting the scene" portion of this post. Now here comes the crazy story portion!

So I'm reading Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart, the first deValier work my eyes have ever had the blessing of experiencing, and there are no words - in any of the multiple languages I am fluent in - for how much it's affected me (not even French, the most romantic language on earth).

I've probably read half of the works on fanfiction.net and AO3 combined, but nothing has come even close to this. At all. The writing is sublime, the plots intricate beyond belief, and the character development positively shocking in its detail. The dedication and talent spent on this is almost scary to think about, not to mention the research that must have taken years to complete, so the stories could be as historically accurate as humanly possible. What's the point in writing fanfiction if this is what you're up against? I'm close to giving up one of my favorite things to do in the whole world because of how shook I am, but if this is how I go down, I'll be going down happy.

Though I've been reading for hours, I've only reached chapter 5, since my eyes have been taking their time to lasciviously devour every letter and fully grasp the meaning of each delicious sentence before allowing further conquest. However, I am no less enamored by the magnificent, captivating story than when I just started it at what seems like a lifetime ago.

As I near the end of ch.5, I almost screech out loud when I read the conversation between Feli and Ludwig about the latter's fighter aircraft Greta. About a quarter of the reason why is because Ludwig just confessed that there is no special girl of his, and my angsty soul is ripping me apart because I need one of them to confess their love for the other RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'LL DIE.

The rest of the reason is because of who appeared in my mind when I read this scene. The worst person on the planet to think about when you're reading a homoerotic fanfiction is your female ELA teacher, but that's what happened, but not for the reasons you're undoubtedly assuming.

You see, my ELA teacher's name is Mrs. Schmit.

I lose my utter shit. I'm going insane, absolutely bonkers, over the fact that my freakin' ELA teacher's name is in this book, discounting the extra T. Of all the places to find her name, of all the things to remind me of her...

So I come up with the most bloody brilliant idea in the history of the world. I screenshot this section of the book, taking way longer than needed so I can be positive there's no evidence of two men lying next to each other in a field of flowers and tall grass having a "no homo, I'm just wondering, I'm not interested in you at all" chat about their lack of girlfriends to each other by making the font super big and swiping the page up so the dropdowns can conceal Feli's obviously masculine name. By the time I'm done working my magic, the conversation is cutesy and innocent, and, most importantly, there's no mention of anything scandalous. All that's left of the passage is the Greta Schmitt joke, which I consider adorable, clever, and laugh-out-loud funny. At the very least, it's mildly amusing.

Then I send her a picture attachment with the screenshot, along with this exact message, through my school email:

"Hi, Mrs. Schmit!

"I really hope you are having a fantastic spring break so far!

"I'm just sending you this email because I was reading a story and a little part of it brought you to mind immediately (for reasons that will become obvious if you look at the file I attached). This scene was also funny, so I thought it would be something interesting to send you. Maybe it will be a source of amusement for you during this leisurely time off from school.

"Have a great rest of your break, and see you on Monday!"

And then, of course, I sign off the email with my name.

The file I attach to the email is the original screenshot I took. The picture I've attached to this post is a screenshot of that screenshot as it appeared to my teacher. It's pretty meta and rad since I screenshot-ed the screenshot at the same time of the original screenshot one day later.

They're also the same except in the picture in this post, which is the latter picture, the portrait orientation lock is on and in the bottom left hand corner the previous page arrow isn't glowing. I feel the need to point these discrepancies out because they wreak havoc on my perfectionist OCD and if they are destroying you inside as well, I want you to know that I'm aware of these mistakes and I'm incredibly sorry.

On a lighter, less soul-crushing note, what about proposing a fun drinking game? Throw back some liquid every time the word "screenshot" appears in the paragraph before the one above. You'll be sloshed by the third sentence.

Oh yeah - and if you were wondering why my phone says 1:17 WD instead of AM or PM, that's because my device's preferred language is Oromoo. WD is ante meridiem - AM.

At first I hesitate to send the email immediately, because of the indecent time of day it is - i.e. not daytime at all - and the fear that I'll really piss off Mrs. Schmit by sending her a completely unnecessary email at 2 in the morning in a week when she shouldn't bother dealing with anything having to do with her students. It's break, after all.

And if there's one thing I don't want, it's Mrs. Schmit to be annoyed by me. Even though she's very intimidating and I can't help but be extremely scared of her, she's an absolutely fantastic teacher (though I don't think she'd believe me if I told her so) and I like her a lot as a person. Thus, I don't want her deductions on me to be negative, especially since I'm pretty sure she finds me very book smart with good grades, but flighty and scatterbrained (which I am, but not in a cool way). If this rather risky email backfires, it won't improve her opinion of me at all.

Another possibility also occurs to me - what if she finds out what kind of story the picture is from? Or the story itself? It wouldn't be hard at all; it would take me two milliseconds to locate that story. I could be in deep shit, but... In that moment, it doesn't matter to me. I'd probably laugh my ass off. She'd die of shock. It would be hilarious.

To be completely honest, I don't even enjoy the story more because of the gayness, or the lust, or the sex. Meaning, it seems more taboo that a presumably straight girl is reading a mildly erotic gay fanfiction as opposed to a straight one, presumably to get a sexual high from all the possibilities and fantasies manufactured by manipulated attraction, but for me that isn't it at all. The sex isn't even a bonus. I don't mind it, but it isn't the reason I love the story so much. If anyone saw me reading it, that's what they'd automatically think, but I'm not drawn to that. I'm asexual anyway, so I'm not even planning to ever have sex. It just doesn't have that allure or even stigma for me. An example: I occasionally watch porn, but it doesn't turn me on in the least, contrary to what one might assume. I just find it fascinating and laughable, not to mention disgusting and more proof of the downfall of humanity.

When I read books like George's, I adore them because of the writing prowess and talent. The plot twists. The characters. The worldbuilding. That's the shit I'm obsessed with. Not the literary porn in the least! Although it does provide amusement and intrigue.

I feel like I should just clear that up. I wish the story was more... ahem... appropriate, or my motivations for consuming it more ubiquitous, so I wouldn't have to worry about sending an appropriate snippet of it to my teacher, but it's George motherflippin' deValier, so nothing else needs to be said. It's perfect. (Just like you, dear beloved darling reading this!) No further explanation needed.

Also, I'm fairly certain her curiosity wouldn't be piqued enough to actually track the story from my email down, which is a comforting thought. Then again, every time I'm left alone with my thoughts, they conjure up an image of Mrs. Schmit sitting at a computer in a dark room, the artificial blue light illuminating her face as if she's some deep web underground black market Anonymous hacker, Googling the transcript of the fated snapshot, her green eyes widening as she begins reading.

I fucking hate my brain. It hates me too.

So before I can change my mind, I hit send and continue through the glorious Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart, a devilish, Alfred F. Jones-type smile spreading across my face. There's no going back now. It is done.

Exceeding my highest expectations regarding a response, I don't even need to wait a full 24 hours before my unread emails total increases by one.

To anyone who's gotten the far, it's been an unjustly long post in the making. The moment you've all been waiting for with an anticipation that rivals that of a beat drop in a particularly lit dubstep track. Don't get too excited, though, because I have this frustrating habit of letting people down and I have a feeling this is no exception. You know, since you're all the way down here, you deserve a treat. What'll it be? Tea and biscuits? Nachos? Poutine? It's up to you. Ask and you shalt receive. I am your humble servant, friends.

Here is her response to my groundbreaking, world-changing email:

"Hi __{my_name}__,

"Yes, that was cute and made me smile!!! I hope your Spring Break is going well.

"Thank you,

" "Messerschmitt" "

DID YOU SEE THAT, GUYS???

SHE PUT THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS AND SIGNED OFF AS "MESSERSCHMITT".

I HAVE WON LIFE! I'VE SUCCEEDED! I AM A CHAMPION!!!

Mon Dieu, she liked the deValier excerpt. She made a fucking reference to it. She's got to be my favorite teacher now.

Don't know how to end this, so I guess...

...y'all, we need to start an international manhunt for our Lord and Savior George deValier. If we find him I can do all the things I said I would. If I get cancer, that's what I'll ask Make-A-Wish.

HIS STORIES NEED TO BE MOVIES I SWEAR TO HIMA-PAPA OR ELSE...

ok I'm done now

#hetalia #fanfics #anime #original post

[a-travels]

taken: jun 4. 2017 Lalitha Mahal Palace Hotel, Mysore, Karnataka

elevate

I’m not quite sure how to approach this post, mostly because I don’t like talking about this kind of stuff, about myself, or about others in this kind of manner. I don’t like the idea of the kind of image this may generate, or the way people would consider me if I continued with this post.

Much of my apprehension writing posts at all, mostly about myself is the notion of speaking into an empty void. I know at this point, there are a few people that respond to these things and offer insightful thoughts and perspectives, many don’t, and I don’t really begrudge either for how they choose to engage (or not) with this. My worry is in the lack of control I have over my image in other’s minds.

Maybe that’s a stupid thing to say or think. From the instant you see a face of anyone, people immediately are forming opinions, judgements, preconceived ideas about someone by their outfit, their speech, their behaviors, body language, posture, etc., through no fault of their own. It’s human nature. Our ability to quickly read someone is a life skill. Where it becomes problematic is when those notions are informed by notions of hatred and prejudice, which is (I would like to think) generally not the case amongst the vast majority of people in social situations. Most of my life, I’ve moved around from one place to another. I’ve been in different states, different countries, with different mixes of people, with some better than others. I had a particularly negative experience in one of the places I’ve lived and perhaps for better or for worse, it has shaped my own thoughts on how to conduct myself and present myself to other people. I’ve constantly had to meet new people, but that doesn’t necessarily make me any more adept at it or comfortable with it. Mostly, I’ve learned to simultaneously just be open about myself, while also being fairly guarded about other things.

In terms of interests, I am very candid about what I do and don’t like, what I do and don’t enjoy. Now more than even before, I will go off on a rant on why the first 3 seasons of Spongebob till its first movie are the best while anything after is garbage, or the pitfalls of Star Wars: Episode IX (or I’ll just point them to my blogpost at this point lol), or why the Avengers are so important to me. I came to be of the mindset that there’s no point in hiding these interests and masking who I am, because then if someone connects with me based on my personality hiding my interests or pretending to be someone else, then they don’t really like me. Then perhaps hypocritically, I still find it necessary to keep myself quite guarded on other instances. In terms of my emotions, or my “crushes”, or sometimes what I really think, I never got to develop a relationship with others deep or long enough to learn to open up like that, along with the well-known societal norm of not really developing that introspective and social vocabulary amongst young boys and males.

Perhaps now more than ever before, I’ve had perhaps the most stable set of friends ever in my life, stretching from high school to college, and yet I still find trouble in “opening up”, which has been something I’ve tried to learn and am continuing to learn. It was a personal goal of mine for 2020 (if you want to call it a “New Year’s Resolution”) and while in some regards my friends have been receptive and are willing to talk to me about things from time to time, many times it comes across like a quid pro quo of sorts. I’ll explain.

I don’t think it’s entirely fair to complain much about my upbringing and childhood. I have been very fortunate in more ways than I can count and I do not want to take away from that. One area which I look back on with the benefit of hindsight, is to see how I never really learned to share when I was upset with others, often because I don’t know that I always found an ear to listen to me. This particularly affected me in college, where I emotions spiralling and I didn’t know where to turn. As I child, I generally found solace within myself and would rationalize and think my way out of the way I felt. I’d explain away the energy calculus of it, how something may not be worth my effort and then just move on. I won’t elaborate too much on this, not out of an attempt to guard myself, but because it’s not entirely relevant, but the point being I often didn’t feel like i had anyone to listen, and I told myself I didn’t want others to feel that way.

If a friend of mine feels upset, or expresses some kind of need to talk, i will generally drop what I do and avail myself to talk to them. Again, I don’t want to seem like some kind of hero about this and I really dislike having to type this because I don’t think this needs to be publicized. If someone needs help, people should help them, end of story. Granted, I can’t always help how they need me to, but I will always try my best. It’s something I’ve had to learn myself over the course of time and where I’ve certainly fallen on my face more times than I can count. I once told a friend with a panic attack to “just breathe”, and “get some fresh air”, to give you a sense of how ignorant I was, even just a few years ago. But, I have learned to be much better about this, and learned to not try to just solve a problem, but just to listen and empathize with someone. Sometimes people don’t want to hear steps A-D of how to fix things and feel better, sometimes people just want acknowledgement that things just suck; and of course, sometimes they do want that answer. Every situation is different.

This is where I hesitate to write more, simply because I don’t want to come across as some kind of martyr, someone doing this expecting something back, or someone to be pitied. But now and then, after I talk to someone, I’ll usually be greeted with a “what about you, is there anything you want to talk about right now?” Of course, the sentiment is there and I get the desire for someone to want to try and help someone back if they can, but it just rubs me the wrong way and I can’t really explain it. Perhaps it’s because I often don’t have much to talk about then. But when I do want or need to talk, I find myself falling to the same kind of deaf ears I lamented back in college and growing up, and the seeming reception I got seems to have vanished. In a few instances, I’ve messaged someone or another about something, have expressed some of my feelings, and the thought is overlooked or ignored and I’m just left to my own devices.

Again, I don’t expect people to act like me. My compulsion to answer every message and text is perhaps more a disease than something of benefit. People are busy. 22-23 year olds are entering the real world, are starting their careers, and are busy setting up their own futures and lives, and I don’t want to put that on hold for anyone, even for a few minutes just to talk to me. And again, I don’t say this simply as some sort of plea to “hear my cries”, but more just as a frustration I find in having to reach out to talk. My family have their own ways of going about these things and often it doesn’t always help, or I want to talk about them, and definitely don’t want to complain about them to their faces. An unbiased third party, be it a friend or a shrink, is often where I feel most comfortable airing these sorts of grievances with others.

I’m fortunate I haven’t had to deal with the loss of a friend or a loved one, due to some kind of depression or mental struggle, but I know people who have, and I know people who struggle with their own internal challenges, as I do off and on. It comes and goes, but I’ve tried to hone my own hyper-vigilance for any sign, any hint that something is up. I can compartmentalize my conversation with others and my own thoughts, but I’m sometimes left to wonder if that same sort of concern I share for others is felt the same way for me. I wonder if I did something wrong or if I'm even deserving of someone's ear.

Again, I don’t say this as some sort of bat-signal to check in on me. Perhaps I should feel more comfortable reaching out to others in the first place to talk. Perhaps I shouldn’t expect my friends to serve as my therapists, in some sense. I simply raise the point to just as a reminder to be aware of others around you, check in on them. Especially nowadays while we’re all cooped up and left alone to our thoughts, we all need each other more than ever before. Whether you’re lucky enough to be in the presence of others or your interactions are funneled through the magic and power of zeros and ones flying through the air as radio waves or fiber optic cables as photons, elevate and listen to one another. You may never know who really needs it.

tl;dr - How do I feel by the end of the day? Are you sad because you’re on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends

(Note: please pardon any stupid grammar or other writing errors. I wrote this in one burst past 4 in the morning, so my half-baked writing skills with general sleep deprivation certainly don’t work to enhance things here)