#this season is going to emotionally wreck me as i have to sit for a moment and its just been 2 episodes so far | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atopvisenyashill · 1 month

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sidebar- listening to a podcast about this season of survivor w two former players (it was rob cesternino and cassidy clarke, if u watch survivor) and there’s a player on this season, venus, who’s been the outcast for a while, but last few weeks all her opps have walked out one by one and rob goes “i think she’s got kind of an arya stark arc going on” and before he could finish cassidy whispers into her mic “she’s no one” it was hilarious aksjd (he meant as in venus is going through her kill list and might get to the end alive) ANYWAYS-

some changes i’ve noticed

i feel like part of why the series stumbles is bc it doesn’t discuss lyanna as much as it should. having that added “we’ll talk about your mother when i return” scene right before robert & ned’s talk about jon snow’s mother And the targaryens was really good tho, narratively linking the two concepts.

HOWEVER i think like rhaegar & robert, d&d saw lyanna more as a puzzle than a person, but the whole point of lyanna is that she was a living breathing girl to ned and her death completely wrecks him in an irreparable way. so when they cut out his entire milk of the poppy dream sequence later on, it cuts out that she wasn’t just the answer to a riddle of “who was jon snow’s mother” but instead an integral part of the narrative whose absence defines the people ned and jon become. but i’m getting ahead of myself bc they haven’t actually changed anything here yet and the scene where ned and robert stop to talk is really good and more or less what happens in the book aksjdj.

i don't understand why they don't have catelyn thank summer for saving her and bran from the assassin. just another mind boggling decision and weird, unnecessary departure from cat's character

another unnecessary change is taking away ned’s fashionista tendencies smFh they don’t get nedcat at all

the way jaime is like oh ned is gonna be my bestie we’re gonna trade war stories we’re gonna flirt i’ll tell him about his brother’s gruesome death and he’ll be so grateful he’ll become MY best friend instead of robert’s and meanwhile ned is like, openly snarling the whole speech. the way ned’s mouth drops open at the GALL of jaime to say killing aerys felt like justice and jaime looks DEVASTATED and PERPLEXED that this man hates him so much when they’ve talked twice aksjdjd

okay first of all I DO IN FACT GET THE CHANGE of having bran say he had to have fallen whole robb insists he never falls, and we all know this scene lives forever in my mind but i also think it’s a) another weird departure from bran’s canon, very stubborn character and b) a PALE imitation of the talk in the dark between robb & bran where they say they’ll go on an adventure

that said, there’s something that Really fucks me up about the North having this culture wherein the sick and disabled are sent out in the winter to fight and die because they’re not like, worth feeding, but at the same time As A Disabled Person i guess finding it almost enticing to be given to the chance to like Die For A Reason ya know. you always have that out. And then here’s poor sweet Bran who it just never occurred to him that he would have to take that out and now it’s all he wants. anyways i’m crying ig

it’s the stubborn streak in him. he doesn’t want platitudes, he doesn’t want to be strong. his whole life has changed for the worse and he just needs to sit in it. it’s not fair and it all sucks and he’s just a kid!!!

the robert and barristan scene is another good one and it’s bc it plays into robert’s character, really elevates the elephant in the room of rhaenys & aegon, and the way barristan is just. disgusted. standing there consumed with loathing for everything he’s become, refusing to engage with being a driving force for why everything is this way. dragging jaime in to humiliate him in front of barristan, to humiliate barristan in front of jaime. the way barristan almost reaches out to jaime emotionally in a way he refuses to reach out to robert, but robert only gets angry and picks at them more.

“he said the same thing he’d been saying for hours. ‘burn them all.’” OH NOW ITS NOT SO FUN ANYMORE IS IT WISE GUY

gonna be honest i think the weapon talk between jorah and rakharo is one of the sexiest scenes in the show, listening to two dudes who are hit in REALLY different ways talk about their favorite ways of murdering people is really fun and hot to me also elyes gabel and amrita acharia were wasted on this show, they would have killed in later seasons smh

i don’t understand why they made the drogo storyline like a REAL TYPICAL sort of rape romance story. what was the point if they were just gonna be ~in love~ at the end anyway. such a weird choice.

do i love the change from “fear cuts deeper than swords” to “what do we say to the god of death”? like it’s fine. they should have kept both if they liked that line so much. the actor who plays syrio is so good tho he’s got such great chemistry with maisie, you really understand why syrio impacts her so much

that ending close up on ned’s trauma face is so good it’s such a shame they CUT THE DREAM SEQUENCE WHERE WE FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY NED IS LOSING IT WATXGING ARYA GET FAKE STABBED IN THE GUT. ITS FINE. IM FINE.

general thoughts

“it’ll get easier” jorah is a useless binch just like aemon the dragonknight. what’s the point of your sword if you don’t kill your girl’s evil husband. go fall on it shithead.

i do love that jorah is like “ned is a little bitch for trying to behead me for slavery even tho it’s been illegal in westeros for like hundreds of years. but also maybe having a king that allows behavior like that is kinda crazy actually bc viserys is not right in the head. i’m not gonna reflect on that at all tho” iain glenn the actor that you are.

love the lannister breakfast scene. the way tyrion clearly knows but is pointedly talking around it. jaime thinks tyrion is the height of comedy and wants them to have a nice breakfast but cersei leaves haughtily halfway through even tho tommen & myrcella are having a good time. the Loaded Look jaime gives tyrion during the “life is full of possibilities” line, where he like,,,, Almost realizes Tyrion is saying something to him here emotionally about being disabled before he puts it aside to be self involved about the incest.

kit’s acting is always several degrees of magnitude better when he’s with other starklings. idk if he’s trying harder or if maisie sophie and isaac are so good they infect him with acting abilities.

there’s something fun about the cycles continuing bc joffrey gets drunk & belligerent like his father has a thousand times, but he doesn’t have half the skill or charm as his father and just gets his ass completely handed to him by a practical toddler with zero training. and he’s so embarrassed it helps snowball this situation into a war.

the kid who plays micah is real awkward. i'm not bullying i'm just saying.

“we all pray for prince joffrey’s full recovery” “pity you didn’t spare a prayer for the butcher’s boy” GET HIS ASS

have i mentioned how much i hate aiden’s acting. oh my god i’m not gonna get through this rewatch aksjsj

“war was easier than daughters” ned every emotion you’ve ever felt is harder to deal with than the war that’s why you’re so fucked in the head be so fucking fr with me rn lmao

septa mordane is a terrible guardian i think this can’t be understated

“she must take his side even when he is wrong” “but how could you let her marry someone like that?” GET HIS ASS

bran literally shivering with fear as nan talks my baby!!!!!!!!

“ah the starks. quick tempers. slow minds.” CAN WE SKIP THE EVIL VILLAIN MONOLOGUES TO THE CAMERA PLEASE

“i think we can outfox a ten year old” jaime you couldn’t even kill that ten year old correctly let’s walk before we run

nedcat giggling over ned throttling petyr and then making out in front of petyr’s establishment is amazing i’m literally so depressed right now i hope petyr cried into his pillow that night

the way both ned AND benjen just give the most ass goodbyes to jon for no good reason. are they TRYING to give him a complex oh my god

i think i’m on episode 4. once i get past season one i think it’ll be easier when the writing gets worse actually.

#rani liveblogs got #gif warning

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frankbelloriley · 5 months

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Here's some of the best things I've watched in 2023.

New releases (an incomplete list because I'm gonna catch up on more stuff in January, so I'm only going to put seven):

Godzilla Minus One - An absolute hoot of a time at the movies. A human melodrama interrupted by a giant city destroying lizard. A fascinating deviation from Shin Godzilla which is more of "what if the bureaucracy of In The Loop had to deal with a radioactive monster" satire, while this goes for pure thrills and audience pleasing moments. Between this and last year's RRR, how are other countries better at pure audience pleasers than us?

The Boy and the Heron - I walked out of The Wind Rises in 2013 thinking, "Yeah, that perfectly caps Hayao Miyazaki's career. After telling the story of how a man's imagination ran away from him and questioning the impact of his life's work, what else does he need to say?" I walked out of The Boy and the Heron thinking, "So that's what."

Barbie/Asteroid City - I'm putting both together because Greta Gerwig has joined Wes Anderson in making movies with one singular moment that seem genetically engineered to wreck me (I will not say what they are here because chill bro, I don't know you like that.). That and both telling their stories through production design. I would hope that the lesson from Barbie making a billion dollars would be, "maybe shoot things on actual sets instead of green screen studios," but it's going to be, "find me another doll to make a movie from." As for Wes Anderson, it's so weird that the criticism he gets is, "it's too Wes Anderson-y." You want him to dilute his voice and make it...what exactly? Look, you like what you like, but why do some people want Wes Anderson to make less what he likes? Anyway, I thought this movie was Wes's clever way to be introspective about his storytelling process, and it's one I'm going to revisit soon.

Killers of the Flower Moon - I've seen this twice, and while I never thought the three and a half hours dragged the first time, it flew by the second time. I also never thought The Irishman dragged on either, almost as if Thelma Schoonmaker and Martin Scorsese know what they're doing, but then again I don't have a two second attention span (some of y'all need to get off the damn TikTok and quit making me feel older than seeing the startling amount of grays I see on my head and in my facial hair in the mirror when I say that). The criticism that it should have been centered on Mollie instead of Ernest almost willfully misunderstands what Scorsese's artistic choice to focus on one of his most unsympathetic protagonists in his career. Scorsese is placing you in Leonardo DiCaprio's shoes because you in the audience are more likely to be Ernest than you will ever be to Mollie, and he wants you to sit with that uncomfort. That and Martin Scorsese knows the limits of empathy in that while he can understand Mollie's pain and the trauma endured by the Osage nation still felt today, he cannot truly know it to tell their side of the story. That should be clear from the start if people knew what empathy actually was, but some of y'all think empathy is binging a season of Ted Lasso in a weekend (wow, 2023 really left me cranky).

Ferrari - My joke to a friend coming out of this movie was, "you will believe Adam Driver is Italian," but Michael Mann's latest has hung around in my head ever since. Some call Driver's performance stilted or stiff as if that isn't a creative choice of needing to seem still while anxiety and peril go on behind his eyes in the face of very real peril and danger in 1950s motosports. Almost as if Mann has history of exploring themes of masculinity as a mask that both helps and hurts depending on the context. Penelope Cruz is also incredible here, adding life to a role that, played wrongly, makes the movie fall apart, but ties the whole thing together emotionally. I haven't seen two actors play off this well against each other since James Gandolfini and Edie Falco when I finished The Sopranos earlier this year.

Oppenheimer - Like this year's Miyazaki and Scorsese's works, feels like a culmination of all of Nolan's previous films. Great stuff, in addition to being a movie you can say, "hey, it's that guy" literally five minutes. I've written too much on all these already, so I will say is: Christopher Nolan is never going to work for Warner Brothers ever again.

Some new to me watches in 2023 I really loved:

Written On The Wind - This by Douglas Sirk was a revelation to me. I had no idea white people were emotionally capable of making Telenovelas.

Rio Bravo - Every time I've watched a Howard Hawks picture, I come away thinking they're among the most entertaining things I've watched. A Western that is less about the codes of honor than it is just hanging out.

The Heroic Trio/Magnificent Warriors/Royal Warriors - all of these were part of Criterion Channel's Michelle Yeoh collection, and they're all great with fantastic action set pieces. Michelle Yeoh stars in, respectively, a comic book movie, a period serial kind of like Indiana Jones, and a cop action drama that starts with her foiling an airplane hijacking.

Mississippi Masala - American independent movies used to be "find two hot and talent actors that have chemistry and build a movie around it." We used to be a proper country.

Decision To Leave - Probably would've been my favorite movie of 2022 if I had gotten around to seeing it then.

The Yakuza - In recent years, Robert Mitchum has become one of my all time favorite actors. We used to have guys with lines on their faces that would tell a story without saying anything (RIP director Sydney Pollack's Michael Clayton castmate Tom Wilkinson while I'm at it). The story of friendship and duty between Mitchum and Ken Takakura is the stuff of Dudes Rock (Melancholy Edition).

Strange Days - Incredibly prescient in how we would use phone cameras and how social media would rot our brains back in the 1990s. Doubles as the origin of a Fatboy Slim song. Worth a watch for Ralph Fiennes and Angela Bassett's chemistry alone.

Going to throw in a rewatch that blew me away this year, and that was Kiyoshi Kurosawa's Cure. I hadn't seen it since a Horror In Film class in undergrad, and it is an utter clinic in how film editing can make a viewer feel dread at any moment. The final shot is incredible.

#i wrote this post on here in my drafts so i could post to facebook and figured 'why don't i post it on here?'#the facebook post also has my 2023 reading but since i already posted about that kinda didn't see the point

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holdmytesseract · 1 year

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So... I just finished watching the series finale of the Walking Dead and man, I don't even know where to begin...

It's been one hell of a ride to say the least. And I don't mean just this episode, no... The entire series. I never thought that I would get so emotionally attached to this series. Hence, I never even thought that I was going to like TWD, back in August, when I started to watch it. And well, look at me now. I am an emotional wreck after the end of season 11. I cried - a lot. I can't believe it's over... Sure, I know this series for barely 5 months and I know that there are people out there, who watched it for 12 years, but... Damn, I love it. A lot.

I'm going to continue my rambling underneath the cut, because spoilers...

Where do I start? Luke and Jules. Gods... They both weren't my favourite characters, but nevertheless... I was sad when they died. Especially Luke. To see how Magna, Connie, Kelly and Miko suffered was heart wrenching.

Daryl saving Judith... I think we can all agree that it was a bad idea to bring her along in the first place, but yeah... It was very sweet. I can't deny that. It reminded me of when Rick saved Carl - and Shane, when he rolled that bed in front of the door to block Rick's hospital room. The parallels were killing me a bit. Just like the 'Hey lil' asskicker. Hey big asskicker.' thing - omg...

I am so so fucking happy Lydia survived. Honestly. I had a very bad feeling, when they had to amputate her arm, but luckily she made it. I learned to like her so very much - which brings me to Negan and Maggie. I loved the conversation they had. How Maggie can't forgive him, because everytime when she looks at him, she sees Glenn die - but she doesn't want to hate him anymore. That was the first time I almost cried. I hated Negan in the beginning. I did. But he had such a huge character development... He really changed. A now I have to say, that I like him. He deserves to live. I'm happy he's got Annie - and his kid.

I think the worst part for me, was watching Rosita die. That was the first time I felt the tears running down my cheeks. Gods, don't get me started on Eugene sitting by her side, crying. Or realising Coco lost both her parents... Luckily she's got Gabe. Yeah... Gabriel... He literally went from zero to hero, didn't he? I never thought he would be there in the end, but he is. And I am glad he is.

What I didn't like so much was how they got rid of the walkers. I mean, yeah, it was super cool and all, but... It was a bit too easy, wasn't it? And suuuper rushed, like... Idk... One second, the Commonwealth is ablaze and in the next they're having dinner together? Was a bit weird.

I love that Ezekiel is the new Governor, alongside Mercer. We all know that if somebody can do this, it's him. He's got his Kingdom back - and I'm happy for him. Ezekiel is a great guy - just like Mercer. I'm happy he found Princess - who deserves her happy ending. Just like Eugene and Max. Btw, I'm happy Aaron and Jerry survived as well. I mean, come on... Jerry is such a cool dude.

The end was, ugh... I can't put in words what I felt when I saw Michonne and Rick. When they talked about everyone who lives and who we lost on the way... Yeah, I was on the verge of crying again. But at the same time it was somehow utterly beautiful. We are never going to forget the ones we lost on this long journey, right?

Who/what else do we got? Oh right... My man. My knight in an angel-winged vest and crossbow. First off... He was super hot in that episode. Let me thirst about this man for a moment, thank you.

Secondly... AMC... WHY IS HE NOT WITH CONNIE, HUH? WHY??? We were robbed! Robbed! Well... Not much we can do about it, unfortunately... But I'm happy Connie is here. And Kelly. And Miko and Magna - who are super cute together. Thirdly... Ugh, that scene with Carol in the end... I'm not saying that I am a huge Carol fan, but damn... I cried. Again. The friendship those two have... Damn... But my personal downfall in the end was, when Judith said to Daryl: 'You deserve a happy ending too.' Right into the feels, because yes!! He deserves a happy end! I hope he finds it.

All in all, I can say that I enjoyed this episode. The season was a bit meh, but this episode... Holy shit.

Am I going to re-watch TWD? Hell yes! It's not over. It's never over.

Whoops... I didn't mean to talk this long, but well... Sorry guys! I just had to get this off my chest. Thank for coming to my ted talk.

If somebody likes to talk with me about the series finale or TWD in general, I am always up for a little chat!

#twd season 11 #the walking dead #twd #series finale #daryl dixon #carol peletier #maggie rhee #negan smith #eugene porter #gabriel stokes #rosita espinosa #twd aaron #twd ezekiel #judith grimes #rj grimes #rick grimes #michonne grimes

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moved2fshfish · 2 years

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i have watched the dsmp finale multiple times and it hits hard every time. i am emotionally wrecked rn.

wbu? also overall what are ur thoughts on the finale??

personally i thought it was gr8- tommy died a hero, dream didn't die a villain, and overall it felt very poetic and epic

i havent seen tommys pov so i cant really say many thoughts on that, i dont like that they made cdream sympathisable(?) i guess ? idk hes been the bad guy For the whole smp and if he was going to get a redemption arc i feel like it shouldnt have been rushed . he abused ctommy and drove him to attempt suicide not to mention all the shit he did to ctubbo too ?

ctubbos ending, on the Other hand :( ough.

im disapointed we didnt get closure for him. he never got to prove that he wasn"t just the sidekick, he never got to confront cdrm or Anyone, he just sort of.. stayed the pawn

he flicked the lever, thinking it was going to kill his best friend but also save the world. and his death ?? sitting on the bench where him and tommy always sat, listening to the discs???? ow

i dont like the ending that much . it feels sort of lazy and the "they all get amnesia" season 2 ??? its poetic That ctubbos creation ended everything, that ctommy died thinking he saved ctubbo, but, idk. i wish we couldve gotten closure

it feels like i cared about these characters for no reason, there wasnt Much actual tragedy in the ending but more being upset that all the characters i cared about died Jist like that

im gonna miss ctubbo man:( i think im mostly sad Because i relate to him a lot and him losing that hope of ever being happy made me lose some hope for myself

we never got cbeeduo ending, and what was in the book tommy left ???? what about micheal and the syndicate and the mushroom base and las nevadas and Karls time travelling ???? did ckarl know this wuz gna happen??

so many questions LMAO

i do think,that its an interesting ending. im sad that ctubbo wont ever go on to lead a happy life and im sad cbeeduo wont ever see each other again and im sad micheal is an orphan or probably dead

and im sad theres nobody to mourn ctubbo like he mourned everyone else , theres nobody to grieve or miss him or accidentially bring out an extra plate for dinner or look at his empty spot in the bed or notice his unused shoes on the porch but never get rid of them

all in all itwas a tragic miserable abrupt ending to a tragic miserable Smp

#dsmp #dsmp lore #dsmp spoilers #lore spoilers #ctubbo #cbeeduo #c tommy #im gonna miss ctubbo man:(

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bonesandthebees · 11 months

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*Stumbles in late with a homemade cup of tea and covered in cat hair* So I know I’m like severely behind on my analysis for chapter 21, but it’s a good thing my cat came to cuddle next to me because chapter 22 just about emotionally wrecked me.

Like I loved the chase and the action, my entire body was filled with tension, but it was also filled with tension this time. It’s a conversation driven chapter and there’s so many lines that make me want to crul up with a tub of ice cream a a cry for days. There’s also way more to analysis, but I kinda still want to get my chapter 21 thoughts put first.

In my defence, I was very very busy visiting friends and I finished reading my book (which was 500 pages) and then the Dragon Prince came out a full 4 days early so I had to watch that and suddenly the new chapter was done. (I’ve also been using a lot of energy on writing some original stuff, which means less energy to write the analysis even though my thighs are buzzin’. I just need to sit down and write them.)

Anyway, very good chapter, Bee. There’s a lot of great lines I’ll probably throw in an ask to appreciate them. A lot of chapter relationships are shifting. Oh, and I love the oil metaphor for Wilbur’s guilt which eventually leads to fuel the fire of his anger. And the bird not burning up, but fanning the flames *chef's kiss*.

Lastly, the narration is more over the place than I’ve ever seen it. It’s mostly the Pythia, with some he’s and Wilbur’s mixed in. It’s very much giving me the vibe of Wilbur sorta forcing himself to be the Pythia or trying to hide behind the title even though he keeps flinching every time Phil uses it (which I have a lot to say about). But then the ‘real’ him keeps breaking through and we get a glimpse of Wilbur hiding underneath. I’d have to reread the chapter again to get the exact switches and reason right. But it was a lot of fun to read.

-🌲

HI SPRUCE!! you're totally fine, I figured you got caught up in Life so just take your time. and if you don't get around to finishing your analysis for ch 21 that's also a-okay, you know I just love hearing any and all of your thoughts lol

omg 500 pages that's so long! what book was it?? and original work!! that's so cool I hope that's going well for you :D

also wtf they're still making the dragon prince? this isn't in a /neg way I used to watch that show and enjoyed the first 2 seasons but I just stopped hearing about it completely and assumed it got canceled (I don't think I'd pick it back up now but still glad to know it's still around!)

anyway thank you so much I'm so glad you enjoyed this very conversation heavy chapter. this one was definitely an important one for the relationships in the story. and I had a lot of fun with the oil metaphor as I'm sure you could tell.

I definitely had a few moments where I was like "is this too much narration switching?" but wilbur's head is really all over the place this chapter so I felt like it fit. he's in a lot of emotional turmoil rn, so that's why the narration keeps bouncing between more than it ever has before. it was definitely a Time picking which name to use every line

#ask #spruce anon #glass ch 22

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random-shit-writing · 11 months

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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

thanks for the ask mutual <3

cold weather

im stealing this one from you lol. growing up in canada, i've had my fair share of wild and freezing weather. but winter has always been my favourite season, and i've always loved colder weather. i was the kid who never wore a coat despite it snowing. i like the bite and chill, i like the lack of humidity and that i don't sweat as much, and i love being able to curl up in front of a fire place, or cuddling in a cocoon of blankets. the contrast of the chill and warmth is my favourite

fandom

i'll forever be grateful that i stumbled across fandoms when i was younger, because the communities i've joined (despite some drama), have given me so many friends, and so much wonderful content to enjoy. not to mention that im able to gift my own works to the communities for others to also enjoy. i love writing and reading, and recently i've been trying out doodles.

pets

im actually mildly allergic to cats and dogs, but i grew up with dogs in the house, and my friends had cats, and i love them both dearly. i always feel so soft around them, and i love being sweet and seeing them respond in kind. one of my best coping skills is to go and hug my family's dog. they're cuddly, soft, and always happy to see people. even if they don't want to be pet, just sitting in a room with a dog or cat can calm me down. one of my most treasured memories was when i was having a breakdown, and my sister's dog heard me and scratched at my door to be let in. she sounded so distressed, and when i finally let her in, she came and leaned her weight into my side and started licking my hands. she isn't usually emotionally sensitive, and it was really sweet that she tried to cheer me up like that 🥺

*dog tax above (my sister's dog, Ellie, on top. my mother's dog, Milo, on the bottom). the itchiness and hives are totally worth it

stories and art

this kind of ties into fandom, but ever since i could read and write, my biggest dream was to be an author. i would read any book i could get my hands on as a kid, including several math and history textbooks from school, a textbook on dinasaurs (that i became obsessed with), and little pamphlets from companies that came in the mail. i used to have my papa help me make my own little flip books, and i would hand-write multi-chaptered stories, because i was so enamoured with fictional worlds and story telling. nowadays, i have 100+ wips in my documents folder, and i have less time for original stories, but it's still just as fun for me. 80% of my free time is spent reading, and my 7k+ bookmarks on ao3 are a testament to that. reading, writing, making, and consuming art - it's like my little escape from reality. it's one of the only things im truly passionate about, and i couldn't live without it.

talking to my friends online

i don't really have a social life irl, so seeing messages from my mutuals and discord friends can really brighten my day. not to mention the multiple hour vc calls i have sometimes. it wrecks my sleeping schedule, but it's worth it bc i get so excited when i see they're online 😅

#ask game #positive #happy #five things #ask #mutuals #mylifeisweirdok

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autisticandroids · 3 years

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do you know any fics about dean and meg fucking while thinking about cas? i think it will be hot and kinda sad.

i don’t and i’ve searched through like the entire dean/cas/meg tag on ao3 (there is NOTHING good it ALL sucks) BUT i can tell you that there is a secret good season nine that lives in my head (concocted in conjunction with @lesbiansamwinchester) where meg lives and they complete the trials at the end of season eight with meg as the demon they’re curing and sam dies BUT sam comes back as a ghost tied to the impala but doesn’t show himself to dean so dean doesn’t know, but he DOES show himself to kevin and kevin ends up stealing the impala and joyriding around the united states having a coming of age arc while sam just kinda. hangs out and tries to mentor him semi-successfully. BUT it does get them out of the bunker.

meanwhile in the bunker, dean is a depressed wreck because sam is dead and he can’t even sell his soul about it because hell is locked, meg is a wreck because she’s been a demon for thousands of years but now she’s a human so she has a “conscience” and she has to reckon with all her “atrocities” and also because meg has always been kind of a wreck she just puts it aside to follow orders or to survive but now there aren’t any orders and she’s not in any danger so she’s slowly going insane having to “face” her own “problems” and “trauma,” cas is a wreck because, well, he’s human now and also the angels fell and it’s his fault, but also like. he’s doing the best of any of them, because 1) he’s not being forced to interact with society he’s just hanging out in the bunker with his friends who are used to him and know how to interact with him and accept him, he is part of a community (even if it is only a community of three) and he belongs there, 2) Dean Is Being Nice To Him Right Now, always a prime factor in cas’ mental health, and 3) dean and meg both need him to take care of them emotionally and that’s something he can do, he’s good at being therapyfriend. (they also to an extent need him to care for them physically and he’s worse at that but he approaches it with gusto and he learns. this is normally a role dean takes on but he is too fucked up even for that during the early parts of this arc; one of the signs that he’s slowly healing is that he starts cooking for cas and meg).

anyway one of the things that happens is that meg and cas are sleeping together, and it’s very much a no feelings, fuckbuddies thing (although they are both aware that meg is deeply in love with him and simply do not talk about it or admit they are aware of it out of deference to her pride. you know. normal shit) BUT dean’s ideas about sex are Diseased and he thinks meg and cas are Dating Seriously, With Intent To Marry And Everything, (because cas is innocent and pure and could NEVER just be having no strings attached sex, that’s for evil irredeemable man disease havers like dean) and he is just. so mad about it. That Demon Skank Is Manipulating Cas With Her Feminine Wiles, Just Like She Did To Sam (cut to meg crying in her room because cas will never love her back while cas obliviously tries to make everyone a nice breakfast because he loves his friends <3!) like dean is so mad. he’s sublimating his [REDACTED CAS RELATED FEELINGS] into protectiveness.

now into this mix you throw in one (1) adrenaline and belligerent sexual tension filled post-hunt hookup between meg and dean. cas stayed home at the bunker on this one so dean and meg are alone which like never happens and they do some violence together and then they end up fucking afterwards because of the adrenaline rush and because the belligerent sexual tension they have is off the chain. this pushes dean into a complete meltdown because he’s like i fucked my best friend’s girl, the ultimate betrayal, how can i ever redeem myself oh god, oh woe is me, meanwhile when they get back to the bunker and dean goes and hides in his room, meg goes up to cas and is like by the way i fucked dean, wanna hear about it? and cas is like Yes Of Course Please Tell Me Every Detail I Am Very Intrigued and then they have deeply weird sex while cas updates his fantasies about what dean would be like as a lover.

anyway normally i’m a “i enjoy megstiel because i love the tragedy of cas is in love with dean, but can’t have him, so he’ll use meg as a substitute / meg is in love with cas, but she can’t have him emotionally, so she’ll use fucking him as a substitute” person but actually i think they could work something out and be in a triad where everyone is emotionally satisfied. like i think meg being there might actually help cas get with dean, (��if you’re so concerned about protecting cas’ honor from my feminine wiles, you’ll just have to join us, dean-o” and then slowly lifting veils of plausible deniability until dean has to admit that he has feelings for cas), and once it’s less of an eternal pining situation with dean, cas might be able to genuinely give something back to meg, emotionally speaking.

also if they’re both fucking cas, dean and meg’s dynamic is...... incredible. it’s a special little prickly but ride or die friendship that i’ve invented completely in my brain but i love. they’re the definition of vitriolic best buds. also they have sex but only when they’re housewifing around the bunker waiting for cas to get home like a nineteen fifties husband. (when i say housewifing i mean dean is obsessively cleaning the kitchen and making dinner and meg is sitting on the couch eating chips).

i know this isn’t quite the angst that you asked for but it’s what i have. in my brain.

#spn #asks #Anonymous

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kitkatpancakestack · 3 years

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Hi friend! I am back in your asks so we can freak out together. I’m fairly certain I’ve come here with something similar before but…BUT…

I’m sitting here all emotional because I just had the thought that Buck doesn’t KNOW. A large part of Buck’s story across the seasons has been his search for “perfect” romantic love, for the best partner, for that fairytale happy ending. But I don’t think he has ever allowed himself to even consider Eddie in that capacity (even if he’s aware of their connection subconsciously). So it’s going to take Eddie telling him that he’s in love with him for Buck to even consider that his great love and love story has been in front of him this entire time.

And it’s just WILD because (like the will) Eddie is once again sitting on really important information that will be monumental for Buck. And before 4x13/14 I always thought Buck knew first or would confess first…and now that we know what we know and have seen a little tiny bit of what’s going on with Eddie, it actually makes more sense that Buck has no idea whatsoever. Having *Eddie* be the one to know first and to admit his true feelings and open Buck’s eyes to what they’ve made together is just…pure magic? Genius writing? Like it just makes so much more sense. And oh it makes my heart acheee.

Eddie getting to choose who and what makes him happy, Buck being chosen because of who he is and by someone who truly knows him so well, the “you don’t find it son, you make it” coming back around…ugh CHEF’S KISS. This truly is a work of art that we are witnessing unfold.

Tinaaaa so good to see you, but why must you wreck me emotionally every time you stop by my asks????

We've screamed about this countless times before and I will CONTINUE to scream about it because Eddie actively choosing what makes him happy (Buck) and Buck being chosen by someone (Eddie) who loves him for the simple fact that he is who he is is just SOMETHING THAT IS SO PERSONAL. I mean, isn't that what both their traumas and their storylines boil down to? Buck wanting to be loved and chosen and sought after for who he is, and not some software update version of who he's expected to be? And Eddie allowing himself the selfish act of desiring and needing things solely for himself, so he can build his authentic happiness?

If this is the love story they are telling, then they once again have shown how they will always know their characters better than us, and that whatever it is we expect, they will always deliver something a thousand times better.

Despite literally everything Buck wants out of a meaningful relationship being what he has with Eddie and Christopher, I agree with you in that I get the feeling he just doesn't KNOW. or doesn't see it. I think the shape he has in his head of what his perfect relationship is supposed to look like is just so wildly different than the one he has with Eddie, that something is just not clicking. I also think Buck has a trek record of self-sabotage via seeking out relationships with people he unconsciously knows are doomed to fail in order to not have to crack open that part of himself he buried from the world years ago, but that's just me *shrugging emoji*

Though, the hilarious thing is . . . he's already kinda cracked himself open for Eddie. There's a subconscious (maybe conscious) part of Buck that knows Eddie will safeguard his vulnerability. That he's safe with him. He's let Eddie see him at his absolute worst points and Eddie has loved him anyway. And I don't think Buck is emotionally or psychologically prepared to digest that information and process it. At least not yet.

*sighs wistfully* let's never stop shouting about this, okay?

#buddie #ktinaj you brilliant fiend #thanks for stopping by i love screaming about the weewoo show with you #cannot believe how beautifully they have set this love story up #the real question remains: will they deliver???#Tim I am hiding under your kitchen table #ask #it's answering asks hours

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lilith-of-rivia · 3 years

Text

The Witcher's Healer (GeraltXfemaleWitch!reader)

Master List

Trigger Warnings: None

Pairing: (GeraltXfemaleWitch!reader)

Word Count: 2,539

The morning was quiet as you left the warmth of your small cottage. The sun had barely risen. Frost thick on the grass, as it crunched under your feet. The fall was deepening, winter not too far behind it. The empty water bucket hung lazily from your arm as you walked in silence to the river, Poe your guard dog in toe. The cool breeze chilled you to your bone, making you pull your wool sweater closer to your body. The river got louder as you approached, the water clear. It was very low this time of year, the snow on the mountains nearly gone as the summer came to its end.

Poe splashed recklessly around the water near the bank as you filled the bucket you had, glancing around looking at the fall greenery that was in need of picking. You grabbed the shears from the pocket of your skirt, leaving the bucket on the bank, and walked around, plucking, pulling, and cutting the foliage, putting them in your pockets. The season for growing was coming to an end, meaning your little herb and veggie garden had to be harvested, tilled, and re-seeded for next spring. A lot of work, but being a healing mage in the middle of nowhere far from any town meant fending for yourself. Most of the time at least.

The door to the house shut behind you, Poe sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace, warming his cold toes. You poured the bucket of water into the kettle over the fire, waiting for it to boil while you went to the small kitchen in your cottage. The sun was now coming up over the mountains, shining brightly through the window onto your cold cheeks. You plucked and pulled at the greenery, hanging bundles over the fire to dry. The day’s chores only grew as the sun got higher in the sky. From feeding Poe to checking snares in the woods behind your house. Thankfully you had been lucky, catching multiple rabbits and even a deer. The process of butchering, cleaning the hide, and smoking the meets would take nearly the rest of the day.

You walked back inside after checking the box in the ground that you had built to smoke meats and keep animals away, the hides now tanning on a rack outside the house. You walked over to the basin by your bed, washing the blood off your hands and forearms. Glancing over to your bed you saw the tick marks. Today marked 397 days. 397 days since you last saw your love. Since he kissed you goodbye, said he’d be back in a year or less. He was thirty days late. He had never been late, in your nearly 50 years of tending both physically and emotionally to him, he had never been late. It made your stomach ache. You would never know if he was dead or not, his line of work being increasingly more dangerous than your own.

“What if he doesn’t come back?” You whispered to yourself, tears threatening to spill down your face. If your love did not return, you had no idea what you would do. Your heart said you wouldn’t make it on this earth without him. Being a mage meant immortality. An immortal life without him was not something you wanted.

You walked back outside, the warm sun hitting your face as you walked into your gated garden, basket in hand. You began plucking and pulling herbs off their bushes, tying them in bundles before putting them in the basket. In a couple of hours, you were done harvesting. Your growth this year had been plentiful, thanks in large to the bag of manure your love had brought to you at the beginning of the season.

Carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, radishes, cabbage, onions, cucumbers, three large squash, and all the blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries you could eat. After taking multiple trips, everything from your year of tending, growing, watering, was on the table in the center of the room. After bagging all the root vegetables into mesh bags and storing them in your cellar you moved onto canning and preserving your fruits. The cans went onto the shelves in the cellar along with countless other jars of fruits from the rest of the season.

“I miss him so much.” You said as you looked from the newly cleaned table to Poe. he was laying on the couch now, his head tilting as you spoke almost as he understood you. Your body started to shake with sobs, your mind racing with what could’ve happened to your Witcher. You heard Poe Jump off the couch, soon his tongue was licking your hand softly as he whined at you. You looked down at him through clouded eyes, his ears were back. You started to pet him, his head pushing into your leg as he cuddled into you attempting to stop you from crying.

“I missed you more my love.” Your head snapped up to the door of your home, the fire lighting up his face in the dark of the night. He stood there, tall, hair a mess, his eyes were sunken in. he had two packs on his shoulders, his swords on his back. You could see the pain in his leg as he winced to put down his belongings. You could hear Roach outside, munching on grass happy her travels were over for a while.

“Oh, Geralt…” Your voice cracked as you cried more, his heart broke at the sight in front of him. You looked disheveled, face sunken in, bags under your eyes.

“Come here, my love.” His arms opened after he shut the door. Before you could move Poe was at his feet, his tail wagging so hard his entire body was shaking. He gently jumped up whining softly at him. Geralt chuckled softly, his hands petting the dog’s head, scratching behind his ears.

“I missed you too, but I need to see your mum” He gently pushed Poe off him, took two large strides, and wrapped his muscular arms around you. Your arms wrapped around him, hands gripping his shirt tightly.

“You’re late…” You whispered into his shirt, his hands stroking your back.

“I know….I’m so sorry.” His warm lips were on your forehead as he caressed your back.

“I thought you were dead…” His hands came up and cupped your face pulling you back so you could look at him. His fingers softly brushed your tears away. No one else on the planet saw this side of your witcher. Only you. With you he was soft, loving, caring. He smiled and laughed all the time. He was everything to you, and you to him.

“Nothing on this continent will ever keep me from coming back to you, dove.” his lips softly pressed to yours, it was soft, sweet. Everything in your body yurned for him. Your hands gently held onto his arms as the kiss deepened.

He pulled away too soon for your liking, making you open your eyes. His eyes were looking over your body. You knew how wrecked you looked. You hadn’t been eating or sleeping regularly. You had lost weight and it was showing. The only thing you could do to keep yourself from crying throughout the day was keeping busy. So you occupied yourself from dusk till dawn, many days only eating some bread with some form of fruit. Not nearly enough for the chores around your household. He dipped his head down, hand cupping your jaw tilting your head to the side. You felt his lips linger over your neck as he inhaled your scent deeply. You could almost see his stress melt away.

“Are you hurt?” You asked. Your hands gently pushed him back as you untied his tunic, ready to heal anything that needed your magic touch.

“Not too bad, nothing I haven’t dealt with before.” You gently removed his shirt, fingers gliding over the newer cuts along his sides and arms.

“Sit down, I’ll go mix the herbs and prepare a stew for you, my love.” You whispered, meeting his eyes. He shook his head and kissed you.

“You have not been taking care of yourself, dove. Let me help.” with a sigh you nodded.

“Go grab some potatoes, carrots, and onions from the seller. I have cured meats in the hatch outside if you’d like to grab some of that as well.” He nodded kissing your head before walking outside to gather the meats first.

You walked into the kitchen, putting a large pot over the fire, and grabbing a bread pan. You quickly mixed some flour and water with a few eggs and rosemary before placing it into the bread pan, placing it into the cast iron stove next to the fire. You grabbed the small hatchet by your wood piled to cut some kindling. Just as you were about to kneel to start the fire, Geralt grabbed your shoulders, lifting you. His hand took the hatchet as he kissed your cheek.

“I’ve got this, dove.” He whispered, steering you in the direction of your herbs. You smiled at him, your heart leaping.

After months without him, it was a breath of fresh air to have him in your home again. His sent clouded your mind as you chopped up the veg, placing it into the cast iron pot with some water and other herbs and seasonings from your cabinets. Once the meet was in the pot you covered it letting it simmer. Geralt had the fire in the oven started, bread in, and had gone back outside to chop some more firewood for the night.

You watched from the window, he was still shirtless even with the cooler temperatures, his witcher blood keeping him warm. You admired how he moved, every muscle contracting in his arms and back as he swung the ax, splitting the logs. You were grateful you wouldn’t have to do that with him home. You were grateful to have him back in arms reach.

“I got you something on the road.” Geralt said as he watched you from his place at the table, his swords in hand as he sharpened and polished them. You were pouring the stew into bowls and cutting the bread. You placed one down in front of him, lightly kissing his forehead as you sat.

“You didn’t have to do that my love.” He smiled and handed you a bag.

You pulled out the contents, your eyes widening. Inside was a beautiful black fur cloak. It was incredibly thick, made from wool and wolf’s fur. It was by far the most luxurious piece of clothing you’d ever owned. Under the cloak was a knitted wool sweater. It was green, brand new.

“Geralt….these must’ve cost a fortune you didn’t have to.” You looked at him with a smile as he ate.

“I know I didn’t have to (Y/N), but you never spend money on yourself, and you’ve been taking care of me for years. It’s no ring, but it’s better than a ring I believe. More practical. And besides your cloak and sweaters are so old, they hardly keep you warm.” He said with a smile, one eyebrow cocked at your slight confusion.

“What ring are you speaking of Geralt?” You asked as you admired the cloak. Your hands brushing through the fur.

“We’ve been together for more than half a century love. You are my wife. We may have never gotten married and I may have not asked you outright. But when women approach me in taverns when I’m away my response is always; “no because my wife is waiting for me at home”.” Your heart raced in your chest, your face was warm and you felt like crying in the best way. You had always thought of Geralt as your husband. He never asked you properly to marry him, but you never pushed, understanding that his trials and mutations had made it hard for him to express his emotions, in fear of the loss and suffering he may endure. But hearing him call you his wife, made you happier than you ever thought was possible.

“Geralt of Rivia, are you trying to ask me something?” You asked with a smile spread across your face. He returned the smile, rolling his eyes playfully as he reached across the table grabbing your hand.

“My dearest (Y/N), will you do me the honor of being my wife?” In an instant, you were in his lap kissing his face all over, not leaving an inch unkissed.

“Yes of course.” His arms circled your waist as he kissed you deeply, holding your body closer to him.

“I love you so much.” You whispered into the kiss. He smiled into your lips, fingers tightening around your waist.

“I love you, my dear.” He pulled you back, leaning over and pulling your chair closer to his. He placed you in your chair and stood up, hanging your cloak and sweater on the wall, before sliding the bowl of stew and bread over.

“Eat.” You listened, eating the stew as you watched him, tidy up the kitchen. Knowing exactly where everything was put.

“Anything exciting happens while you were away?” You asked in-between a bite. He nervously scratched his neck, placing garlic into its hanging basket.

“I went to a very important party for Queen Calanthe’s daughter. Uhm, got a very interesting gift out of it. Not really a gift, a cures more like.” You could sense his frustration, making you worry.

“Geralt, tell me what happened.”

“It was so stupid, all I did was saved a poor knight from being slaughtered because he was cursed, no monster. But the stupid curse broke all because I saved him. So he and Pavetta insisted I take something. Because I’m so stupid I jokingly claimed the law of surprise. I don’t even fucking believe in destiny. You know that. Yet here I am, stuck with a princess’s unborn fucking child.” His hand slammed into the wall as he finished his rant, his chest heaving up with frustration. You pondered his words, thinking over them. A child surprise was a big deal, but nothing you couldn’t handle.

“That’s why I was late, I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to burden you with a fucking child.” You stood from your seat, walking to him, cupping his cheeks making him look at you.

“Geralt, there is nothing in this world we cannot conquer together. You need me as much as I need you. Nothing will drive me away. Unless I catch you with some whore, then you better hope I never find you.” You said the last part with a chuckle. He leaned into your hand. Kissing your wrist.

“What did I do to deserve you?” He asked as he held you close to him.

“From my recollection, you saved me from a Kikimora while I was hunting.” He smiled and kissed you softly.

“Are you sure we can do this?” He asked, closing his eyes, pressing his forehead to yours.

“We can do it, my love. As long as we are together.”

“Together, forever.”

#geralt x reader #geralt fanfic #geralt #henry cavill #henry cavill imagine #henry x reader #the witcher #witcher netflix #witcher yennefer #witcher geralt #geralt x y/n #geralt x you #witch oc #witchy

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disappearinginq · 3 years

Note

Kacey and Jamie Dutton and also JJ and John B :))

ooo, playing dirty now, eh? My answer in four parts: Kayce Dutton from Yellowstone:

First impression "You're the pretty one - and wow - a lot of people just die around you"

Impression now "Ooo, look at you - the youngest AND the peacemaker and despite you being the one with the most issues, but holy MOTHER OF GOD, DOES TROUBLE FOLLOW YOU"

Favorite moment Hmm. Toss up. I love Kayce, so pretty much every scene with him is a favorite, but probably between him snickering under his breath when Jamie is being Jamie with the tribal police and Rainwater in season 1 and Jamie had to come and pick him up. I mostly like it because Kayce is a very solemn character until then, and while you get that he loves his family, he's not a generally happy person in life right now; and season 4 episode 2 when Kayce trails his father out to the hot springs and lectures him on "If you die on the way home, i am not burying you out here, I'm taking you to the family plot so I can sit on your grave and tell you I told you so".

Idea for a story This is going to count for Jamie too - a fic when they're both younger but post Evelyn's death and before Jamie leaves for college, they go out riding to get Kayce's mind off the funeral and the memory of his mom dying in his arms, except (because it's me) Jamie gets injured and Kayce has to deal with the trauma of having a loved one almost die in front of him again.

Unpopular opinion That he and Jamie are the only Dutton siblings who actually seem to like each other; and while Kayce is an awesome character and I love him, he does not think things through most of the time

Favorite relationship :-D Him and Jamie, and probably him and Tate. I would've liked to see him and Lee a bit more

Favorite headcanon That Kayce had to join the military to figure out that his childhood falls under "traumatic" and "emotionally and physically abusive" Jamie Dutton from Yellowstone:

First impression Wes Bentley! YAY! Followed shortly by "you're the smart one, and I will love you - it is decided"

Impression now I think finding out that he's adopted was the best thing that could've happened to Jamie - between deciding that it was part of the reason why John always treated him different, and knowing now that John was never going to let him run the ranch (even though he's the only one who seems to have a clue how it's run on all fronts, not just cows and horses), and I just want him to have a good life with his chosen family. I like that as the super smart one with the most "fancy" to him, he still likes being in the bunkhouse, he doesn't treat the "help" like anything other than equal people, he likes doing the day to day, and I think he would prefer running a ranch over being a lawyer. And to me, that's really cemented in there when he buys his own place and his bio dad tells him to get 4 wheelers instead of horses and Jamie looks a little crushed and is like "it's not ranching without horses".

Favorite moment Oooo, hmmm. Probably in the fourth episode of season 4 when Kayce comes to him for help tracking down the info for the guy who put the hit on the Duttons and Kayce tells him "I love you" and Jamie says it back, looking a little stunned that Kayce still feels like they're family. Runner ups: when he is introduced and tells the state to fuck off for trying to declare eminent domain against the Yellowstone, and that if they want to build, build up; and when he meets his kid.

Idea for a story Same as the one for Kayce; possibly one where I try and decide what John did to him to make him the only Dutton kid convinced John would kill him if he messed up.

Unpopular opinion If we're going to rank bad things that characters on the Yellowstone have committed, Jamie falls into the 'least bad' category. I mean, I think Kayce killed four people in the first two episodes. Beth (I love her, but she is a deeply flawed human wrecking ball who is a modern Antigone and as selfish as they come) ruins peoples' lives for funsies. Rip kills people and throws them off the side of cliffs. The entirety of the bunk house lynches people (more than once). Don't get me wrong - I am totally onboard for 99% of their actions. I just think it's kinda unfair to say Jamie is the worst for something he did when he was a kid, and for being the only one who feels guilty for the one person he killed. (wow. that's a lot of murder in a family).

Favorite relationship Him and Kayce. I love them. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I will love Jamie and his son, because Jamie looks so disbelievingly happy when the mom hands the baby to him.

Favorite headcanon Either John did something horrific, or Jamie witnessed something horrific that made Jamie think/understand that Jamie was expendable and that he is truly afraid for his life around John, because Jamie doesn't stand up to his dad at all and physically runs from him when John is angry. John B. from Outer Banks

First impression "You're a himbo"

Impression now "You're definitely a himbo. But goddamn, you're simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest sonofabitch alive."

Favorite moment Any time where he succeeds wildly at not dying just through sheer squirrel-y-ness and dumb luck - like stealing the cruiser from Shoupe. Also possibly the scene in season 1 when he yeets himself on the bike over the chain and lands in the street.

Idea for a story Hmm. Possibly one where he finds out Big John is still alive and just flips shit over everything he has had to do in the last three months to stay alive without his dad.

Unpopular opinion John B can kinda be a shit friend when it comes to picking between the girl or his friends. (but hey - he comes through when it matters)

Favorite relationship Even though I just said he was a shit friend, my favorite relationship is between him and JJ. Because part of what I say probably makes him a shit friend is him just taking JJ for granted - like "Of course JJ is gonna manage to steal his dad's boat so I can flee to Mexico with my girlfriend" because he's known JJ for so long and knows him so well that it's a "Well, duh" moment for him. Because John B is the only one who seems to know JJ is actually stupid smart.

Favorite headcanon John B has decided, even if he does become rich, if his friends don't leave the Cut, neither does he. JJ Maybank from Outer Banks:

First impression "Why hello...."

Impression now The dumbest smart person ever to be written on TV. Yeah, he doesn't know the difference between French and Spanish, but that kid with all of 90 seconds of planning, comes up with a successful prison break for his bestie, and the only thing that really goes wrong is he breaks the wrong person out. With maybe a minute, he comes up with a plan for 5 teenagers to take over an entire tanker ship from adults with guns. And he SUCCEEDS. Except for Rafe, who is the only one to give the Scooby Gang the credit they deserve and gets super suspicious.

Favorite moment Do not ask me why, but it is still the first episode when he gets flipped off the front of the Pogue at high speed and when he bobs to the surface just goes "I think my heels touched my head" as he floats there, and I just...crack up every time I watch it. Second favorite: season 2 when they're in the shipping container and he tells Kie that the only lifer asperation he has is to be a surfer down in South America and live on the beach eating what he can catch. That boy sounds so...wisftul, like he knows it's a pipe dream, even though it's just to be poor somewhere else.

Idea for a story "How JJ First Meets the Pogues" - each time how JJ first meets all of the Pogues, because it's never said who gets them together, JJ or John B, and I like to be contradictory and say it was JJ who found them all.

Unpopular opinion Ummm....is there an unpopular opinion about JJ? I'm not a fan of the woobie-fied view of him in a lot of the fandom where he's just this passive character who needs someone to come and save him. No. JJ is a storm with skin.

Favorite relationship Him and John B - they're brothers without the DNA, and I love that they can get angry at one another and fight and still 100% still be besties.

Favorite headcanon The reason why he hates the cops and doesn't trust them is because CPS has been called on him many, many times, and every time, they return him to his dad where it's worse than before.

#outer banks #jj maybank #john b routledge #outer banks on netflix #yellowstone tv #yellowstone #kayce dutton #jamie dutton #games we play #asks answered

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muffindaddystyles · 3 years

Note

Okay but vamp!harry x reader where the reader goes for a late night walk alone because she’s feeling anxious (Harry tries to insist on coming with but she says no) but soon he can sense somethings wrong and goes to look for her and finds her in a dangerous situation! I need protective vampire Harry 🥺

Disclaimer: Reader with ADHD, Vampire!H x fem!reader, cock warming.

Harry's been doing humanly things. Moreso trying for his little human whom he doesn't want to dissapoint when she's making ećlairs or pop tarts for him and all he knows is to eat them despite of being a helping hand. His fingers are magical —--- they relax her in the most livid way while he's feeding from her. Honestly, it's all she wants. Her making sweets for him and him pleasuring her in the most bizarre way.

But. Sometimes she get's emotionally exhausted that the physical activities looks like breaking a mountain for her and all she does is snuggle under the snoozy layers of her childhood blankets cuddling her cat to calm her down.

Now her tranquility is Harry.

It's one of those days. She's been feeling like a failure. An utter dimwit for not getting what's happening in her sociology class, why her neighbours are always grumpy with her and why she isn't able to study anything. It's depressing her.

Harry never left her side. She's like a honey gooed all over him not even letting him bring the pizzas he ordered for them, "Don't!" She squeaks in a weak voice catching his wrists and he sits back cupping the nape of her neck looking straight in her eyes to assure her with his whole existence, "'ey baby . . my sweet girl 'm not goin' anywhere. Delivery boy's been waiting outside -- just a mo', yeah?" He sponges a gentle kiss at her temple stroking her cheek to calm her down.

They've rented a VR receiver and alot of silver movies watching them while eating pizza. She giggles and Harry smiles goofily when he had to hit the receiver twice to make it work, "c'mon you should know how all of this work old man." He strides towards her pulling her up with armpits into his embrace and tickling hard.

"Old man huh!? Ol' ma —" He pretends to eat her whole and she squeals between her laughs, "'m sorry you're my man!" Huffs smugly giving her a breather and pecks her not twice but thrice. If he could kiss her all day. He would. She's his human. It surprises him sometimes when he's alone with his thoughts. He loves her to fucking bits and pieces.

When she's like this everyone and everything feels outta her reach. As if they're miles away from her and she's standing in barren cold. In the amidst of sappy movie she shrinks closer to him stuffing her face into his ribs wounding her leg around his abdomen and he makes her feel warm wrapping his arms around her to push her up on his thigh. Snapping his gaze down at her when the lil sniffs of her reached his ears, "What's wrong kitten . . . hurts to see ya like this baby. Love you so much." He never fails to promise that he loves her to core.

"'M jus . . . thinking tha –-- that when I'll die you'll be still here 'n . . . 'n y'would get so lonely." She hiccups without a break, "Dunno. Can't stop crying 'm sorry." She gives out an ugly sob into his chest. It's breaking his already feeble heart. God he could scream the affection to the moon he have for this girl. In such a tragic moment all she is thinking is about him.

He cups squishes both her cheeks with his calloused palms telling her to breath with slow gestures then when she's way better speaks in his softest voice, "My baby listen to me hmm? We're never thinking of future don't wan'ye to wreck ye'r beautiful brain for stupid deaths --- secondly too bad miss Y/N 'm gonna cling to ye like leech of your nightmares." He wipes her tears away ever so caringly and gives her eskimo kisses while she giggles snorting at the end when Harry brought his big goldfish orbs in the middle to make her laugh.

"'M glad to have you." She whispers smudging her wet lips softly against his's into a heart melting blood warming kiss and Harry shushes her when she whines clutching the hem of his sweater, "bite me? She asks politely rather than being batty as for she was being within past days rilling him upto extreme to get her neck and skin sprinkled with hickeys that turns into bites.

"Don't wanna hurt ye', lovie." He pushes her hair away peering down at her with pleading worried eyes, "you wouldn't. promise." He nods flushing her against his chest positioning her head into the crook of his neck. Making her hug him like a koala bear.

Rubs her back. Pats her hair. Sways her along him rather than the seductive warnings he used to give her. He's afraid. She's too fragile at the moment. He'd never forgive himself if something will happen to her, "'m gonna bite. Stop me if ye' don't want it o' hurts." He runs his palms at her sides making her all squirmy.

He pushes her fangs ever so gently to her sweet spot. If she's made of glass making her moan and tight her grip around him warming up his cock in his trousers. It's not always about you dumber. He scolds himself. Suckling lightly and pulling back in a pinch of moment. It's the first time he has almost pretended to drink from her. She's all sleepy in his hold. He carries her to bed and when tries to untangle himself so he could turn the telly off she whines not letting him.

Despite of these much blankets she's still feeling cold. From inside. It feels empty and she isn't liking it at all. Writhes and squirms causing Harry to ask, "ye okay there lovie'?" When she shakes her head with glassy eyes and a pout he understands.

"Cold." Is all she had to say and he's guessing the next, "in ye'r tummy?" When she bobs her head confirming he sighs softly pulling the elastic of his trousers down to free his dick getting rid of the item woving his calves with her, thighs between thighs and places a firm hand on her back moving his thumb into circles non-stop.

"Oh me lil dovlin' c'mere . . want me cock to warm ye up baby? 'S okay s' okay darlin'." He murmurs against her lips tugging at his foreskin hissing when the head of his thick cock gets pushed between their bellys due to approximty. Precome oozes from his strokes and he takes her panties off swiping his crown over her hole to lubricate her. Wounds his arm around the nape of her neck to lap at her mouth swallowing her whines and cries while sliding inside her compact walls twisting his stomach awfully, "shhh. shhh baby love. I got ya. Gonna take care of ye ---- try to sleep. I'll be waiting fo' ye in the morning." Once, situating himself deep and snug inside her. He keeps on embracing her like a little baby.

Next morning though she woke up happy. Harry made her brekkie. Special smiley pancakes with heart shaped eyes from the little strawberry toppings. He really took advantage of his time while she was snoring her ass off. A peach smoothie and cashewnuts. Fed Meowsie. Gave her his morning lovin'. They had the meal together.

He helped her learn some of her course. Then in afternoon made lunch together egg fried rice and stirred vegetables Y/N went to give some of it to their neighbours. Lady Nat asked her if she's okay cause she has stopped stomping in her flat and it made her feel good, weirdly.

Maybe it's seasonal sadness that she couldn't get out of it. Harry's in the kitchen cleaning up shelves when he hears the rustle of carpet. He peeks from the wall to find her pooling into a big hoodie and slipping into her shoes. He frowns throwing the rag away to walk towards her immediately, "where ye' goin' lovie? Ye' okay what happened?" He runs his hands over her shoulders to her hair making her meet his eyes.

She nods squeezing his wrists, "don't worry just wanna . . . take a walk — clear my head." Hearing this he quickly moves to wear his jacket.

"'M goin' with you." He declares and she knows if that'll happen she wouldn't be able to, "No. Alone." She fumbles with the strings of her hoodie. He sighs not fond of the idea brows knighting together thumbing at her jaw with concern screaming in his eyes.

"Can I mark you then?" He asks knowing what hides in the shadows of outside; creatures evil than his entire existence. He doesn't want to make her feel like she owes him explanations for her each and every movement but gosh does it scare him to his bones. She's the only person who could make him weak into knees and a mesh of puddle at the thought of even the thorn pricking her, "okie." She cranes her neck and it still amuses him she's exactly how she was when he first met her. That gentle rose under the moon meant for Harry to care and water with love.

After adorning her with a crimson mark and little peck he tugs her closer hooking his nose to her hair taking a good sniff of her cocoa scent, "keep your phone in ye' hand and don't walk through the cherry street." There's nothing there but stray dogs that she's afraid of. It's better he advises her.

"Ai. Ai captain!" She salutes him stomping her feet and he chuckles kissing her cheek wet-ly, "Go before I change me mind."

He wanted it not to creep it to his mind but it's not helping AT ALL. He's been restless and it's been fifteen minutes since she has left. He's sitting sunk into sofa with Meowsie snuggled under his chin while he shakes his knees, cracks his knuckles, combs his hair and groans into his palms. In short throwing tantrum like a toddler missing her already and constantly worrying about her. Something doesn't feel right at all. That gut wrenching horror of losing her biting him alive.

He mutters a fuck it going to look for her and bring her back home. He was right. He has always been. Good at instincts. For fuck's sake. He's a vampire!

Y/N was walking along the path which's the lead way to a park when a dark vibe gloomed over her head. The next she knows is she's being pinned to a wall with demonic eyes snatching at her soul: it takes her breath away outta horror.

"No wonder why Harry kisses the earth you walk on." He chuckles darkly accent an old Scottish and she gulps eyes stinging with tears, "I would to . . if I get to drink such sweet ripe blood." Her eyes widens when his fangs pokes out from his gums glistening under the lamp light.

She tries to kick him in balls to get rid of his painful grip when an angry growl echoes towards them loudly and the person who had her trapped wooshes from her sight in a bolt to ground making her shriek.

"She's not a fuckin' feeder stay the fuck away from her!!" Harry grits spitting venom. Choking the person under him, "tol' ya she's my girl and I'll shred everyone alive if they'll even breath in her direction." She has never seen him this furious. Tone harsh and snappy she never heard coming from him it makes her cry.

He had warned his fellows when the news of him spread that he has bonded to human. But well they've thick skulls.

The man under him just smirks pushing him away and coughing into his elbow standing up. "Whatever thought sharing is caring, Styles." Harry glares him resentfully. Fisting a punch at his side but stables himself when a dainty hand wraps around his fingers clutching tight.

He turns ducking down to her level cupping her cheeks and tries to examine her for any kind of injury, "ye' okay? Did he hurt you? Tell me and — " she rubs her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie shaking her head vigorously.

"No. 'M fine sorry should've listened to you." He puffs out a breath of guilt letting his forehead fall against her's, "don't be sorry -- it's none of ye'r fault baby."

"Glad you're safe." He whispers hugging her with the sway of bodies, "I love you." She tells him honestly tip-toeing to kiss him and it unfortunately reaches his silky jaw only.

"And all the things you do for me." He grins down at her. He lives on praises. The cheeky bastard.

"How about eatin' ice-cream while taking swings in the park?" He intertwines their hands warmly kissing her knuckles and she quips excitedly, "sounds great!"

AN: idk why read more button isn't working sorry for the bug.

#harry styles smut #anon request #harry styles one shots #harry styles blurb #harry angst #dom harry #harry styles vampire smut #vamp!h #vampire harry

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yoditorian · 3 years

Text

lacuna - part 9

din/reader

well shit guys,,,,this is the last one.

this has been a labour of love and i just want to say a huge huge thank you to everyone who’s commented and reblogged and sent me asks and even just lurked and read it. seriously, from the absolute bottom of my heart, thank you. i’d also love to extend a special thank you to @keeper0fthestars and @chatterbean for consistently cheering me on throughout this fic. and an extra extra special thank you to @bee-dameron for being the most incredible sounding board, and without whom this fic literally would not exist. this was really my first jump back into writing fic properly and i couldn’t be more grateful for the love its received. it might be the end for the main storyline, but it’s definitely not the end of this universe 💛

series masterlist // main masterlist

word count: 4.9k

warnings: angst angst angst, rebel is healing, din is having the worst time of his life (all of season 2), swears, yes i am referencing That Monologue

He can’t stop hearing it.

How you pleaded with him, how you begged him to stay, how you cried when he left. Din’s sure it’s a sound that’ll haunt him for the rest of his life.

Din has been staring out at the swirling lights of hyperspace for hours when the kid clambers up into his lap, his stomach lurches when he notices three little green fingers curled around a corner of your old blanket. The kid leans over to frown at the second passenger seat. Empty.

“I know, buddy. It’s my fault, I’m sorry.” His voice is wrecked, the sound of it so harsh through the modulator that even he flinches.

Din’s still not completely sure that the child understands him, but his little ears droop down at the apology and he wraps himself up as best he can in your blanket. Five minutes and you’ve charmed the little thing. Din isn’t sure why he’s surprised, you did the same to him all those years ago.

The kid settles back down to sleep in his lap, curled up in the thinning fabric, and one of Din’s gloves hits the floor before he even realises that he’s slipped it off. The wool is a little stiff with age under his fingers, but it’s been well loved. And been well loved on if his memory serves. He wonders if it smelt of him afterwards. If you spent nights curled up in it, trying to inhale the last memento you had of him before he saw you again, the same way he spent so many nights wallowing in his own memories. He used to wish he had something physical with him to keep close, the cruel irony of your forgotten blanket doesn’t go unnoticed now.

Part of him wants to bring it back. A peace offering, maybe. He wants to let you get to know the kid better, to help him on his quest to find his home. Or maybe just to stay, like you asked. But he fucked it all up. You’d probably slam the door of your little home in his face now. Honestly? He’s pretty sure it’s the least he deserves. He wouldn’t be surprised if you pulled a blaster on him with all the ways he’s hurt you.

It feels like grief. The way the sorrow settles on your chest, curling it’s cold hands around your lungs and squeezing. You hope it chokes you, if only so you don’t have to feel like this anymore. You curl up on the kitchen floor, the cold tile freezing through your clothes, and wonder if this is it.

Kes finds you there, hours after the door was slammed and the sun has set.

“Is there something wrong with me?” You can’t help but ask, you can’t help but wonder. Because even through the pain and the silence and the arguments, you still love Din. Maybe you always will. But you’re not sure it matters anymore. Kes looks at you, confused, and you press on.

“I mean, I laid out how I feel so many times and all he ever did was push it away but- but I know that if he walked in that door right now I’d let him back in.”

“I think that’s love, kiddo.” He sinks down to join you on the floor, and if the chill of the tile raises goosebumps on his arms, he doesn’t mention it.

“Love is stupid,” You pause when he shoots you a look, “No offence to you and your ridiculously happy marriage, but this sucks.”

You sound like a child, you know that. Just like you know that things with Din were always going to end the way they have. You’ve always known you came second to his creed, so much so that you can’t even bring yourself to be angry about it anymore. The alternative is to cry until you lose your voice, so childish seems like the way to go.

“What?” You huff. Kes is watching you carefully, in that pensive way that he does when he’s about to call your bluff in sabacc and take the game. Like he always does.

“I’m not sure you really think that.”

He’s right on the money yet again, the fucking asshole.

A fresh wave of tears stings your eyes. thankful at least that Kes has found a spot on the floor to look at instead of turning those big sad eyes onto you. You’re not sure you could take it. It’s frustration at yourself, mostly, instead of just the heartbreak of being left behind so willingly. So angrily. What is it about you that made the idea of sticking around so repulsive, so disgusting, that he left without a second thought. You thought he loved you, you really did. But you’ve been wrong about things before. However much you hate it.

“I can’t stay here. I can’t.”

“I know.” Kes’s eyes lift from the floor finally, settling uncertainly on yours.

“I’m sorry, it’s not that I- I want to be close to you guys but,” You flounder for a moment, desperate to think up a reason, “I just can’t be here.”

He understands, you know he does. You’ve all lost enough people, physically and emotionally, to know when a place is no longer welcoming. And you do, genuinely, love the little house on the edge of their land. You love the way the sun hits through the kitchen window in the late afternoon, you love the way you can hear the birds in the trees when you wake in the morning, you love the way any of them can drop by anytime they want to. But it’ll always be the site of the last time you loved Din, the last time he kissed you. Ground zero of your relationship. If you could even call it that.

“I’ll be alright. I’ve been without him before.”

You have, you’ve been without Din. You’ve spent years without hearing the comm you gave him so much as click. You’ll be alright. In time.

Only, there were never arguments before. All those times you left, or he left, he’d never shouted at you the way he did. You’d never felt the rage he keeps so carefully locked away, not with you in the crosshairs anyway. It sends your stomach churning, remembering the way he denied you so easily.

You eye the pouch of credits on the table, just visible over the top of Kes’s head. Why would he leave something like that behind? The Crest is falling apart, he’s got the kid to think about now, why would he forsake a payday for someone he’d so readily abandon.

The dam breaks, and your brave face along with it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Kes shuffles over to sit closer, to draw you into his arms and let you cry it out on his shoulder. So, in turn, you let yourself feel it. Properly. Sobbing until you’re half asleep, breath hitching every now and again, and the sun starts to rise.

You don’t know why Din left the credits there, and it feels odd to think about using them when he’s the reason this house isn’t a home anymore. But he could never give you much, and despite everything you know he’s never been a heartless man intentionally, maybe this is his way of making up for that. A clean slate.

The first thing he thinks of as Din comes to, only seconds after the e-web cannon explodes in his face, is you. Of course it is.

You with your feet up beside you on the passenger seat and the child in your arms, wrapped up and snoring softly. No idea of what was coming. It’s that image that stays at the forefront of his mind, even through the pain of being dragged across the ground into the almost safety of the destroyed cantina.

That’s the view he wants, regardless of however futile it is to realise that now. Regardless of the fact that he’s dying and you’re not here. You don’t even know. Maybe you wouldn’t care if you did. He wouldn’t be surprised.

But he gave it up for what? For this? Denied himself and the kid safety and a life just for both of them to die on the grotty floor of the cantina on Nevarro. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Maybe he always has been, for refusing you at every turn, refusing to let himself give in and reassess and have the life he’s so desperately wanted with you for years now. Who is he, without his creed?

Yours. He knows that now.

There’s something profoundly wrong about you not being there as the blood trickles down the back of his neck and soaks into his clothes. As he hands off the child to the people he’s come to think of as his friends and trusts them to do the one thing he can’t.

“Take him to Yavin,” He tells them, desperately, “Find the little house at the end of the farm track.”

You’ll take care of the kid, despite everything. You’ll take him in without a question, in a heartbeat. The same way you so effortlessly ingrained Din into your life when you first met. Even if it was accidental on both sides.

Din can’t stop himself, as the IG unit lifts his helmet, from remembering the way you did the same. This feels so clinical, mechanical. There’s nothing of the warmth and reverence that had been in your touch. Even this close to death, it’s like his bones themselves are calling your name.

“What do you think?” Your voice echoes in the empty space. The smell of fresh sawdust is strong in your nose, but you don’t mind. It’s oddly comforting, as though the shop was built just for you. The sound of little footsteps pound over the upper floor and a messy mop of curls appears over the top of the railing.

“I love it. Can I live here too?” Poe grins cheekily.

“Your parents might have something to say about that, buddy.”

He thunders down the stairs beside the little back office and comes to a skidding halt in front of you, kicking up a little dust in his wake. You catch him easily, whirling him around in a circle as he laughs. The way the sound fills the space starts to stitch the edges of your heart back together. Maybe this is what you need to do, fill a new space with light and laughter and the people you love. Somewhere to exist, somewhere to grow. The workshop seems like a good place to start.

A child of The Watch.

What does that even mean?

His covert, his family, it’s- it’s not a cult. It can’t be. The way she talked about it, like even the thought left a bad taste in her mouth, sends a shot of anger down his spine. He is not a religious zealot. But, would he know if he is?

Is he?

Din’s never had cause to doubt his creed, or his covert. They saved him, rescued and raised him. They taught him to fight and to protect and to provide for the covert. Foundlings are the future, right? Would he be less, maybe, to those born on Mandalore? To people like Bo-Katan who wear the armour from generations past, who fought to defend their homeland and their clans. Din doesn’t wear ancestral armour, but has he not defended his family with his life? Ancient way or not, it seems like the kind of thing that would be important in any kind of Mandalorian culture. Traditionalist or otherwise.

No one has seen his face since he was a child. And yet, he still took off his helmet, every time, for you and believed he was breaking his creed. Sure, you never saw his face, but does that matter? Is it not the principal of the thing? Then there’s the glaring evidence that there are Mandalorians who can remove their helmets. What does that make him, if he’s neither followed the letter of the creed or whatever rules Bo-Katan has.

With the kid safely tucked away and snoring in his little hammock, Din pulls the helmet off and glares at his distorted reflection in the curve of the visor. He can feel your hands on him like you’re there, smoothing over his shoulders and curling around his waist. And as all the tension melts from his body, he knows what you’d say. That he is himself. Din Djarin, and it’s up to him what he wants that to mean. Whether it includes Mandalorian or not. Whatever he wants to be is what he is and you’d never love him less for it.

Love him.

He scoffs at himself. There’s no way you feel like that about him now.

“Can you reach right up in that corner?”

You’d let Poe pick the colour for the walls of the main attic space, and so he and his dad are flecked in bright orange paint as they swirl brushes over the wood they’d primed yesterday.

Kes has him on his shoulders, fully in charge of the high up sections as he’d so politely asked, while you and Shara are screwing together the fittings for the kitchen units. A pastel blue this time, also chosen by Poe. Although Shara had kindly guided him away from the neon purple cupboard doors that had caught his eye with a quick wink at you. Maybe giving a small child free reign over your interior decorating was a bad idea. But he’d proven to have quite an eye on some things.

The four of you had travelled all the way to an inner rim market to find your furniture, deciding on a deep red fabric couch that fit all of you comfortably and takes a considerable amount of effort to rise from. It’s been pushed back against the half wall that hides the attic living space from the workshop floor. Your bedroom furniture is brand new as well, all light polished wood and soft bedding. The credits Din had abandoned had gone a long way, almost long enough that you can forget where they came from. Sometimes.

It hits you again, cross legged on the floor as Shara hands you another piece to slot into place, that there should be an extra pair of hands. Pulling more pieces out of crates or rearranging the layout in the bedroom or hanging lampshades. It’s nice to be making this new house into a home with your family, but there’s still a gaping hole where there should be someone else.

A warm hand settles on your knee, breaking your focus from where it’s settled at the top of the staircase. Shara. You turn to her with a smile, and blink back a wave of tears when she returns it. You have your family, right here, you don’t need him. You don’t need him.

“Get down!” Shara calls, just as a shadow looms over you.

Poe’s feet swing over your heads and he laughs when Shara just misses grabbing his ankle, Kes lifting him deftly out of the way at the last second. This is what your life is supposed to be, definitely. The sound of everybody else’s laughter lifts the weight off of your shoulders just enough for you to breathe, to laugh along with them. For a little while.

Din loses everything in a matter of moments. Everything.

Methodically searching through the ashes of the Razor Crest, of the only home he had left, is the final barrier between him and the guilt about the child. About Grogu. The kid’s become his, undeniably, and he couldn’t do the one thing a father is supposed to do. Gideon has him at his mercy, has Din at his mercy now. Whatever the Moff and Dr Pershing have in store, it’s not good. The kid might not even survive.

All he can see is his little face, his little arms reaching out as the droid climbed higher and higher towards the cruiser. What kind of a father is he, to just let his son be taken from him? No man who would so willingly see the child in his care delivered to his doom deserves to be called such a thing.

Din kicks the dust at his feet in frustration, all too aware of the new eyes watching him. Grief is a difficult thing in and of itself, it’s even harder when it’s observed. He feels like an exhibit. Sure, the two of them stayed and defended the child without even being asked to, but that doesn’t mean he wants them sitting and watching as he sifts through the ruins of his life.

Fitting, really, that the one way he always thought he would keep you in his life went up in flames, exploded in much the same way your relationship did. That was his fault too.

But it’s all gone now. The Razor Crest, his home, Grogu’s bed, your old blanket. Grogu and you. Maybe for good, maybe this is his life now, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get either of you back. Maybe he’ll launch a rescue mission only to find his son dead and hitch a ride to Yavin only to be turned away at your door. Maybe that’s what he deserves.

“Thanks!” You call as the couple stroll out of the main doors and into the sunshine, newly repaired pit droid trotting after them.

“Which one goes to this one again?” Poe catches your attention, waving the motor over his head. He’s sitting on the desk in the back office, little eyebrows furrowed in confusion. You’ve been teaching him small mechanic things here and there on his days with you. How to wire a basic console, how to program a droid, how a hyperdrive motivator works. You’d taken him out with you on a call once, so you could show him the different engine parts of a ship that his mother doesn’t treasure. Today, it’s hotwiring lessons.

Kes and Shara had pretended to disapprove when you asked them what they thought about it, and they still would if Poe was the one to bring it up. But the larger community on Yavin still sleeps far too lightly, still sleeps far too little. The kids are learning their history and their life skills, but alongside basic combat and strategy lessons. The older kids can enroll in weapons training and piloting lessons. The war will never fully leave this moon so long as it stands.

“Which one do you think?” You ask, settling down into the chair with your datapad and a mountain of forms to fill out. Poe ponders for a moment, glancing between your expectant expression and the dead motor in his hands.

“This one?” He touches the exposed wires together carefully, huffing when nothing happens.

“No, wait! This one!” The little motor whirrs to life the moment the wires make contact, and subsequently dies again when he drops it to throw his arms up in celebration. You catch it before it can hit the floor and burst into pieces, your own smile wide enough to make your cheeks ache.

You’re living. For the first time in years you’re living, without watching over your shoulder for the Empire, without wondering when you’ll see Din again. You’re spending time with your best friends’ kid and making a living as the town mechanic. You have regular customers and people who drop by just to say hi, and things don’t seem so bad anymore. Even though there’s a gap inside of you that aches and misses him, you’re starting to be at peace with it.

He doesn’t know why he was so stupid as to think the facial scan might work with the fucking helmet on. And now the terminal won’t stop beeping and he’s pretty sure people are looking over at him and there’s only one option left and- fuck it.

Din’s hands shake as he lifts the plastic helmet off, the habit of a usually much heavier one makes the movement almost too forceful, and he sets it down.

This is wrong. It feels so wrong. The first time any living being has seen his face since he was a child and it’s a room full of Imperials. The organisation that took his parents from him, that massacred whole planets and drove his people underground, that you have spent your whole life fighting against. He feels sick.

It was supposed to be you. He’s thought about it a lot, since the first time you took him to that little house on Yavin. He envisioned standing in the bedroom, curtains thrown open to soak up the last of the afternoon sun, and you’d smile at him in that way you always did. He would pull you close to press his forehead against yours, he would take your hands and bring them up to close around the lip of his helmet. He’d tell you it was okay, and you’d lift it off together. You’d smile, maybe a stray tear would linger in the corner of your eye, and you’d finally get to see him. You’d trace your fingertips along his cheekbone and press a kiss on the little spot on his jaw where the hair doesn’t grow. You’d tell him you always thought he had brown eyes. He’d tell you you’re beautiful. And then he’d kiss you, and you’d let him.

The terminal beeps again and Din pulls the drive from the port, just in time to turn and face an Imperial Officer.

Your head is in an engine hatch when you hear one of the wide metal doors at the front of the shop creak open.

“We just closed up, but you can swing by in the morning if it isn’t an emergency!” You call, and hope your voice carries to whoever is standing in your doorway. You don’t really have the time for a customer, this speeder repair is already a day late because you were watching Poe last night, but Yavin is a community.

However long it took you to get used to after being back on the station, it’s almost like being a part of the rebellion again. Everybody works together to make things a little easier for everyone else. You hear a shuffle of footsteps, slowly edging closer to you, and you’re about to call out again when they say your name.

When he says your name.

You hit your head on the hatch as you pull yourself out of it.

“No.”

You can’t do this. You can’t.

All the work you’ve done to piece your broken little heart back together starts to unravel, just seeing him standing in your workshop. Every staple and stitch and strip of tape loosens until there’s nothing left and that gap inside you, the one that sits right under your heart, starts to ache something fierce.

How dare he.

How dare he think he can walk into the one place that you have, the one place in the whole galaxy that doesn’t stink of betrayal and heartache and him. How dare he think he can disturb the life you’ve begun to build without him, however much it hurt. There are nights where you don’t think of him now. Nights where you don’t wake in the middle of dreams of his touch and his voice and his kisses. And now he’s here and all of your work was for nothing.

“Please-”

“No. No, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come back and undo everything. You can’t.” At least your voice is steadier than you feel, as you square your shoulders and plant your feet in a vain attempt to stay upright. Or to stop yourself running right back into his arms.

“I know.”

No, that’s what breaks the final piece of your heart off. The heart that belongs to him anyway. It always has, even when you didn’t want it to. He sounds so broken.

“Did you leave the baby on the ship again?”

You don’t miss the way his shoulders tighten, just barely, or how his fingers twitch nervously.

“The ship’s gone. So is- so is the kid,” Din takes a shuddering breath, “I lost everything.”

Everything? What does that even mean? Your stomach flips at the thought of what he might mean, that the kid is gone. You’re almost afraid to ask. And you hate the painful tug in your chest when his knees give out and he hits the concrete floor with a thud. There’ll be bruises in the morning.

“He’s with a Jedi, he’s with his people but-” He gestures vaguely, and you know what he means. You felt the same way every time he left you. If the kid’s a Jedi, he probably should be in the care of people who know what to do. But you can’t imagine how it must have felt to just hand the baby over.

“He’s where he belongs.” You’re trying to stay cold, you really are.

“Is he?”

It’s hard to be cruel to a man who’s just given up his kid. To a man you love.

He says your name again, softly, tearfully. The shudder of a sob ripples through his body and he heaves a deep breath at the same time you do. You can feel it creeping back, every uncertainty you had the day he walked out of your old house. Every bone in your body screams for you to reach out to him, to comfort him the way he should have comforted you when he left you crying for him on your kitchen floor. He can’t be here. You have to make him go.

“Mando-”

“My name, please use my name.” He interrupts you, desperately. He doesn’t mean to, but he can’t hear you call him Mando. It never sounded right, not the way his real name does when you roll it around on your tongue. He needs to hear it.

“Din, you can’t stay.”

It’s so hard to hold steady, to keep your voice even, to not just throw it all away and gather him into your arms the way you want to. The way you need to. You were right, all those months ago, when you told Kes you’d take him right back if he walked through the door.

“You’re home, you know that? It’s you.”

You say nothing, for fear your words will crack and give you away.

“And- and every time I left or you left it just, nothing felt right. Not until we were together again, and it scared me. And I hurt you because of it, that’s my fault.” He sighs, defeated, but continues on when you stay silent.

“I’m so sorry, my love. I- it’s inexcusable. I don’t know how to- how to fix it. I don’t know if I can,” Din hangs his head in shame, “You should hate me. I do. I pushed you away and hurt you, when all I ever wanted was you. Just you.”

It’s not enough to soothe the scars in your heart, the ones that settled deep and angry and split open time and time again. The ones he put there. But maybe there’s room to make a start.

“I don’t hate you,” You press on even as his head shoots up in surprise, “Against all my better judgement, I love you. Pretty sure I always have.”

It’s quiet for a long time. And you think this is when he tells you he’s not good enough for you, that he never will be, and he leaves for the very last time. You know you won’t see him again if he does, but he’ll take your heart with him anyways.

“Cyar’ika.” He breaks the silence. Again. But it’s softer than the last time you were in this position.

“You’ve called me that before.”

“I’ve called you that a lot of times, you were only awake once.”

“What does it mean?” You’re almost afraid to know the answer.

He lifts his hand to his shoulder, to a pauldron with an unusual skull welded to it, and detaches the mechanism. It clatters to the floor, but Din’s gaze remains firmly locked on yours. He does the same with the other and lifts the bandolier over his head. That too is abandoned on the ground.

“Sweetheart.” His vambraces, this time. One, two clang as they hit the floor, followed by his thigh plates.

“Darling.” The chest plate.

He’s kneeling, surrounded by his armour, by the definition of the man you thought he was. All but the helmet. You love him, you can’t deny that. He’s baring himself to you in ways he never has before and you know what it means to him to do this.

“Beloved.”

Your brain stops working. You were so ready to shout and scream and punish him for what he put you through but suddenly none of it matters. Because he’s here, he’s finally here, and he’s telling you he loves you and that’s all you’ve ever wanted.

“Take it off, please?”

And so you do.

Your feet are moving towards him before you can even register what they’re doing and you haul him up off of the ground. Din winds his arms around you automatically, without a second thought, until there isn’t a breath of air left between your bodies. No armour, no barriers, just two people who have done far too much damage to each other to ever know anyone else the way you do.

His eyes. Oh god, his eyes.

“You’re beautiful.” You whisper, careful not to disturb the peace that’s settled. Finally, finally.

“That’s my line.” He chuckles as you smile, as you feel that gap in your ribs quiet after all these years. An unfilled space, no longer.

Din kisses you, and you let him.

TAGLIST (add yourself here):

@bee-dameron @rebloogggs @keeper0fthestars @remmysbounty @sirianisrock @thevoiceinyourheadx @firstofficerwiggles @1800-fight-me @ew-erin @chatterbean @altarsw @darnitdraco @greeneyedblondie44

#lacuna #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #din djarin #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #star wars #fic #liz does words #oh my god........oh my god its over #sfw

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hepaidattention · 3 years

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hi I’m going to list off my favorite emotional scenes in Teen Wolf that made me stop and think “oh my god - I thought this was just a campy teen drama.” Don’t mind me. (Not in a particular order.)

1) When Stiles thinks he has the same type of dementia that his mom had, and him and Scott hug each other before he has his CAT scan, and he just sobs as he holds his best friend. That scene WRECKED me and I will never get over it. It, in my opinion, was the most emotional scene in the entire show because it wasn’t about anything supernatural or mystical. It was a real issue that people have to face every single day.

2) In s3, again when Stiles is mentally fighting the nogitsune and hasn’t slept in weeks. He goes to Scott’s mom for help, because that’s who he has for a mother figure. He needs someone to take care of him and he knows she always will. He breaks down in front of her, terrified over what’s happening to him, and she makes him sleep with a sedative (in a loving, caring way). He calls her mom as he goes under, and that scene might never leave my heart. Ever.

3) When Aiden dies in his twin brother, Ethan’s, arms. The fact that his last thoughts were that he still was going to die as the villain, even though everyone knew he was redeemed as a hero. Ethan and Aiden were never my favorite characters, but his death was so immensely sad and it was too much for me. He was just a kid.

4) The entire episode of Motel California. Isaac literally having to relive his childhood trauma - like what the actual heck? And of course, the scene when Stiles not only tries to talk Scott out of suicide, but then tells him if he’s going to kill himself then Stiles is going to die with him. AND THEN HE STEPS INTO THE GASOLINE. I literally ... I can’t. The relationship between Stiles and Scott might be the most wholesome friendship in any show I’ve ever seen.

5) When the Sherriff refused to let Stiles admit himself into Eichen House and uses the excuse that Stiles needed his pillow because he couldn’t sleep without it. Then, as he’s near tears fighting his son, telling him he couldn’t live with himself if he left him there without his pillow because he wouldn’t ever sleep, Stiles just looks at him and says, “Dad, I haven’t slept in days.” I think Stiles and his dad are my second favorite relationship in that show. There’s nothing compared to their father/son bond.

6) When no one will believe Lydia that Stiles is real in s6 and she breaks down outside of where his door should be. What hurts me the most from this was that Stiles ALWAYS believed in her. It didn’t matter if she had zero proof, he always believed her and always convinced everyone else to believe her. If no one went along with it, Stiles always did. But when he was gone, she had no one to believe her, and no one to help her find him. Lydia always went to Stiles when she needed his help, and in many scenes she’s at his door for his help. This scene killed me because it reflected how she needed him, she came to his door, but it wasn’t there anymore and the way she broke down against the wall made ME break down.

7) When the Sherriff remembers Stiles in s6 and his wife has to “die” in order for him to fully remember. Just. That’s it. There’s no other words to say. It was a BEAUTIFUL scene and I... I can’t.

8) In s3b when Stiles has the nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare, and when he finally wakes up he’s screaming and panicking and his dad has to come in and hold him down like this wasn’t a new thing. That’s called PTSD guys, and it’s real. This scene killed me.

9) s3b again, but when Stiles can’t read in class and runs out and has a panic attack in the bathroom. Scott follows him and Stiles is insisting that its a dream, and Scott has to talk him through that panic attack as well as showing him he’s really awake. The realness in this scene just... all of s3b had me crying tbh.

10) When Stiles has a panic attack in s3a. I swear this show got so real sometimes. They dealt with panic attack's a lot in the show and I appreciated it so much because YES. Teenagers going through this crap WOULD have panic attacks. I mean heck I have panic attacks without my friends and family all almost dying on a regular basis. It was so so sad and it just broke my heart for him.

11) in s6, when Stiles is being erased and he runs to his dad. He goes to him terrified of what’s happening and he hugs him and is frantically explaining and his dad asks him what his name is. That scene hurts. Stiles not being remembered by his dad is crushing, and it really hit me that he was really being taken. Seeing the realization on Stiles’ face is heartbreaking.

12) When Stiles is about to be taken in s6 and tells Lydia she’s going to forget him and she says “I won’t” and he just says, “Lydia, you will,” but she still refuses to believe it. Then once he’s taken, she sits there and says “remember, remember” and the next scene Scott and Malia ask her what she’s forgetting and she says she can’t remember.

13) When Lydia walks to and waits by Stiles locker in s6a after he’s been taken, and she doesn’t know who’s she’s waiting for, she just knows she’s supposed to meet someone there.

14) When Lydia realizes/remembers she never once told Stiles she loved him.

15) When Lydia stays with Stiles even though she knows Allison is about to die, and then can sense her death and sobs as she lays on an unconscious Stiles for comfort. Lydia goes through hell in s3b and I don’t think we realize it enough. She not only was emotionally tied to Stiles and had to not only watch but feel the pain he was going through with the nogitsune, but she knew Allison was going to die and knew there was nothing she could do about it.

16) s3a when Lydia can feel what’s happening to Stiles but she can’t do anything about it so she just cries and banshee screams in her car.

17) When Isaac has a breakdown in Argent’s arms after Allison’s death.

18) The entire backstory of Isaac. Like. Guys he was so abused that poor boy deserved so much better. His goodbye made me mad - we got so attached to him and then he just left and never came back.

19) in s5 when they save Lydia from Eichen House but they think she’s dead, and Stiles begs her to open her eyes. I literally hold my breath every time I watch that scene. The tears in Stiles’ eyes, his broken expression, Scott and Deaton looking at Stiles like they don’t know how to handle Stiles if she’s dead, it’s... it’s so much emotion. And the relief on everyone’s face when she finally breathes. Just... damn.

20) The entirety of Stiles dealing with the death of Donovan. I can hardly get through s5 because I can’t stand to watch the pain Stiles go through the entire season. He is emotionally tortured the whole time, and it’s not like is s3 when its a supernatural force - it’s his own darkness being used against him. He almost loses his dad, he almost loses Lydia countless of times, Scott (his BEST FRIEND, the guy he calls BROTHER) loses trust in him, and he has to live with the death of Donovan on his conscience with literally no support. Stiles was always, like Lydia, right about just about everything. Yet, no one ever picked his side - which left him having to fight his demons, AGAIN, alone.

I’m gonna leave it there at 20. However, I could go on for hours. This show man - how is it one of the campiest, yet funniest, yet most emotional shows I’ve watched in a really long time?

#teen wolf #stiles stilinski #scott mcall #lydia martin #sheriff stilinski #just me and my rants #ignore me and my long posts #i just really have a hard time letting these scenes go #they hurt #like really hurt my soul

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bewitching-elizabeth-olsen · 3 years

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Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable

THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Gillian Anderson had been dreading this. A tripod had arrived at her home in the U.K., along with a mess of lights and, really, just the thought of having to sit through an hour-plus on Zoom had her practically reeling. But then the woman who stuns as Margaret Thatcher in the most recent season of Netflix’s The Crown got talking — about pigeonholing and pay equity, about grieving and giving oneself over — and soon she didn’t want to stop talking. And neither did anyone else — The Queen’s Gambit‘s Anya Taylor-Joy, Pose‘s Mj Rodriguez, Genius: Aretha‘s Cynthia Erivo, WandaVision’s Elizabeth Olsen and Ratched‘s Sarah Paulson — at THR’s annual (virtual) Drama Actress Roundtable.

Let’s start easy. Complete this sentence: On set, I’m the one who is most likely to be …

GILLIAN ANDERSON Hiding in a corner. (Laughter.)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY Pacing whilst moving my hands like this (waving above) trying to figure out what it is that I’m doing.

SARAH PAULSON Bossing everyone around.

ELIZABETH OLSEN Probably trying to make the crew laugh.

At the same time, you’re also inhabiting characters for long stretches and often they require you to go to dark or heavy places. What happens when a director yells, “Cut”? Do they come home with you?

MJ RODRIGUEZ I try to separate myself from Blanca as much as possible, especially [because we’re] dealing with immense trauma. So, when I go home, it’s Michaela Jaé going home, and I bring Blanca to the set. It’s easier that way because it can weigh on you otherwise and wash off on your family.

TAYLOR-JOY I wish I had as much control over it. For me, there are some characters that you can very easily snap in and out of and then there are other ones like Beth in The Queen’s Gambit. I’d worked back-to-back on two projects with one day off in between, so by the time I got to filming the show, I was exhausted and there was no energy to create a barrier. And that was potentially the toughest thing about the show, because it was a wonderful experience as an actor to be able to not have to reach for any emotion, but then you also have to go through the psychological warfare of figuring out, “Why do I feel so awful in the morning?” Like, “What is happening?” And then you go, “Oh, it’s not my feelings,” but I have to sit in them all day and I have to be aware enough to go, “You are not depressed, the character is depressed, and at some point that will leave you.” But I do think a bath every single night — being able to have the visual representation of washing yourself clean of something — helps.

OLSEN Regardless of what exactly the day requires of you, emotionally, you’re just tired. And so you try to be patient and professional and kind, and then when you go home, that’s when your fuse is just … smaller. (Laughter.)

TAYLOR-JOY You should date us, we’re fabulous.

youtube

CYNTHIA ERIVO I did, it was a real ugly cry. After playing [Harriet Tubman in the 2019 film], I went straight to see my mother in London and I don’t know what happened, but I just broke. You know the visual representation of shattering glass? That was what was happening to me. All the stuff I had to dig through to play her, all that heartbreaking stuff didn’t leave me when I finished, and it took time to just dissipate. And it was the same with Aretha — unfortunately, the pandemic hit when we were in the middle of shooting, so I couldn’t completely get rid of her during the six-month hiatus, and then I had to go right back into playing her. And it’s little things, like mannerisms, that stick with you. The lilt in her voice when she’s speaking to people. Like, that’s not me but I was stuck with that for a bit. And I was recording an album at the same time, so there was no space between one and the other. It took me a while before I could listen to an Aretha song again.

ANDERSON I certainly had that experience doing X-Files for nine seasons. I had a good couple of mini breakdowns during that, and at the end, could not talk about it, could not see it, could not see pictures, could not. I needed to immerse immediately in theater in another country. And then after a while, I was able to embrace it again, but when I started to embrace it, it was almost like I separated myself so much that I was looking at the image as if it was another person. When you immerse yourself so entirely as we can and we do for such long periods of time, there’s not going to be no consequence to that. Of course, there’s going to be consequence to that.

TAYLOR-JOY May I pose a question to the group?

Please do.

TAYLOR-JOY It’s so wonderful hearing you two talk about this, because I’ve always felt really crazy for the depressions that you go into after you leave a character and not being able to necessarily connect with yourself. And I’m really curious to hear what your relationship is with something being seen. Because when I first started working, I convinced myself that filmmaking was a very private practice with a private group of people and that no one was ever going to see it. And I thought I’d grow out of that, and I haven’t. Every project I have to sit myself down about two months after it’s finished and go, “People are going to see this and have access to it whenever they want.” How do you guys work [handle that]? Because for Queen’s Gambit, I had to go through a grieving period. It was grief, genuinely, to think, “Oh goodness, this thing that I loved so much is not mine anymore.”

ANDERSON I had that experience after doing Blanche in Streetcar [Named Desire] here in the U.K. and then in New York.

OLSEN I saw your last performance in New York. You were fabulous.

PAULSON Fucking phenomenal.

ANDERSON I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I was grieving. Some friends of mine in New York had a brunch for me the weekend after [I finished my run], and I arrived like a complete wreck. It was so profound. I also knew it was unlikely I was going to do it again because I knew that I’d probably lose my mind. I got really close. Like, I’d survived by the skin of my teeth and if I did it again out of ego or attachment or not wanting to let her go, there would be consequences. So I knew it was the end, and it was so sad.

ERIVO Do you know what’s so crazy? I listen to you and I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s what was happening to me during The Color Purple.” It was the last show and I started grieving in the show, knowing that it was coming to an end. There’s one last song and I couldn’t get through it. And then the show ends and I buckled under the sadness of it. But there was no way I could have continued playing Celie on that stage. It [had been] 14 months and I had to let her go. The line between me and her had disappeared. But to answer your question, Anya, I’ve never had an issue with people seeing things. I usually have an issue seeing it after it’s done.

PAULSON This happened when I did Marcia Clark [for The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story]. I felt a profound connection to her and I felt protective of her, and the experience had been so tectonic plate-shifting for me, both as a performer and as a human, and I thought, “If I watch it, I’m going to pick apart everything.” She was left-handed, so every time I use my right hand, I’m going to think, “God damn it, why did they use that?” So, the only way to protect myself from that is to detach from what the world will experience with it. And I’ve maintained that for a long time now — I really don’t watch [things I’m in] because I don’t have the strength, first of all, to bear the sight of my face and, also, I find it really confronting. The preciousness of the thing you were creating with these other people is what I want to be the indelible thing for me and not how it was edited.

TAYLOR-JOY Mm-hmm.

PAULSON All that does is make me furious because I don’t have the power to go in and go, “Hi, um, could you choose take six? It’s infinitely better.” (Laughter.) And when you don’t have that ability and you’re at the mercy of someone else’s opinion of what is the finest work that you’ve done, which doesn’t always line up with what you feel, it’s really jarring and you feel so powerless to do anything about it. So, I have to just sage it all out and let my experience be the only thing that governs the way I feel about it.

RODRIGUEZ When the first two seasons of Pose came out, I didn’t watch them at first because I was just so nervous about how the world would receive it. It was a story that a lot of people haven’t gotten to see, and it was a whole bunch of trans women of color finally getting their shot. It’s a lot of responsibility. And on top of that, it’s a story that’s filled with trauma and things that a lot of us trans women have gone through, so it was hard for me to watch all of those things back.

Gillian, in your career you’ve also been a champion for pay equity. But even as you were promoting a book you co-authored on female empowerment a few years ago, you acknowledged that you were nervous speaking up about being paid less than your male co-star. What do you think you were scared of, and how have the conversations for you changed since?

ANDERSON I just need to point out that I first fought for pay equity way back when it was audacious by anybody’s standards, because I was a nobody when we started to do that series. But when I really spoke up about it was when it happened again, four or five years ago, after the career I’d already had post-X-Files. We were going back to do another season and Fox came to me to offer, I don’t know, a 10th of what my co-star [David Duchovny] was being offered. That was the point where I was like, “Fuck this. I’m actually going to talk about this [publicly].” And since then, it hasn’t really come up. I mean, I haven’t worked with a lot of men, so that hasn’t been an issue. (Laughs.) I’m certainly tuned to it, and were it something now, I’d address it. But I have so much admiration for anyone who stands up for their right either to be paid or to be hired, period. And look, they weren’t going to fire me on The X-Files. The stakes weren’t that high. I put my foot down, not because the stakes weren’t high, but if they were going to fire me, some people were going to have some things to say about that. It’s very different for a young woman going into a job situation with a boss who’s overbearing and asking for a pay raise.

Sure, you had leverage.

ANDERSON Yeah.

For the rest of you, when have you spoken up in your careers?

ERIVO I mean, the obvious is I’m a Black woman, and that has a lot to do with how you’re paid, how you’re hired, if you’re hired, the way you’re hired — it affects everything. I’m lucky enough to have a team behind me that is brave enough to ask the questions I’d like asked: What I’m being paid compared to the leading man in the show, or if I’m being paid a lot less, whether or not they are willing to come up so it becomes equal. And about little things in my contract that just make it easier to exist on a set. For me, it’s about having the guts to stick with it and to keep asking and keep fighting. And there are definitely times where you’re like, “I am so exhausted from asking the same thing.” Like, if we could please have this makeup artist with me because usually there are no Black makeup artists on a set and you’re the only one who needs one, and I’ve had to have that fight every single time I’ve gone onto a set: “I need to hire these two people because they are the only people that understand how to do my face or my hair.” It isn’t about vanity, it’s about making sure that whoever I’m playing is represented in the right way because they understand how to work with my skin tone and my hair. But you keep sticking with it because it’s not just me having my way, it’s me being able to employ two other people. And then maybe I’m asking, “Can we have a DP who understands lighting that works on my skin tone?” So it’s constantly being OK with asking the questions. And there is a bit of fear, like, “Am I going to be seen as difficult?” And yes, there are times where I’ve had someone say they’ve heard I was difficult, but usually, it’s because I’ve asked a question that will make for a better surrounding or a better show. And if I keep asking the questions and if other ladies like myself keep asking the questions, and we keep trying to better our spaces, it just becomes the norm — because at some point it has to just become the norm.

Elizabeth, I believe you had a saying in your house growing up, “No is a full sentence.” When do you find you use it?

OLSEN I use it a lot. (Laughs.) I use it when I’m on set. I mean, I want to be a part of every department when I’m on set. I want to understand the schedule. I want to understand everything. I produced a TV show [Sorry for Your Loss] that didn’t get too much light of day because it was on Facebook, which, whatever … but as a producer on it, it was really important for me to be a voice of everything you’re saying, Cynthia, and have heads of departments feel like and look like the freakin’ world. And just from having a taste of that for two seasons, I can’t [go back]. So when I go to do Dr. Strange 2 in England, I guess I use it when I just can’t shake it even though [the production is] so much bigger than me. I don’t know, my opinions are vast and everyone hears them, from the first AD to the EP. I think I’m like a representative of anyone having a hard time on set. … (Laughs.)

PAULSON You’re the Equity rep, I love it.

OLSEN Oh my God. (Laughter.)

When you think about your careers, is there someone else’s that you look at and go, “Ooh, yeah, I’d love that”?

OLSEN Gillian’s, Sarah’s …

ERIVO Yeah, Sarah, you’re that for me. You’re fucking incredible.

PAULSON You saying that to me makes me want to cry because sometimes you feel like you’re doing this in a bubble and you don’t even know if anything you’re doing ever has any meaning or impact to anyone.

ERIVO It does. From my heart, it does. And I hope I get to work with you one day.

PAULSON I’d give my eyeteeth. (Laughs.) For me, it’s Gillian — somebody being on a TV program for a long time that’s wildly successful and then retreats to another country to be onstage, to reconnect yourself to the very things that inspired you and made you want to be a part of this. It all gets very confusing in terms of how to navigate [this business]because you do want to make a living, but you also want to follow your heart. And there does come a time where you can become quite depleted from the constant output without any input. And if you’re a woman of a certain age, which I certainly am, I feel like I’ve got one foot on one window frame and I’ve got the other one over here and I’m just trying to insist that they stay open for as long as possible. And some of that is beyond my control, but when I look at Gillian’s career I just go, “Well, I want that.”

ANDERSON Thank you for saying that. On the one hand, I feel like there is some degree of design, but I’ve also never really gone after things. And when I finished with X-Files, I didn’t know if I wanted to be on a set again ever. So aside from having grown up in the U.K. and wanting to go back, I knew it would take time before I could, if I was going to. And in London, you could move between theater and TV, and that was always my dream. But every actor has the thing that they’d want more than the thing that they have, and I’m a cinephile, and so I [wonder], “Why do I keep doing TV? All I want to do is do film.” And I’m still doing TV. (Laughs.) But I’ve had such amazing opportunities that, coming from Scully, I even questioned people, like, “Why are you offering this to me? What makes you think that I can do this?” I’ll also say that as soon as you have kids, kids are the priority. So, I say to people, “I’m gonna be such a pain in the ass for you to hire. But if you think I’m this person, I’m gonna need to work during this period of time and then have time with my kids. And it’s going to be expensive for you. If you are willing to do that, then I’m your girl, and if you’re not, you need to find somebody else.”

Anya, Queen’s Gambit became a global juggernaut. How have your opportunities and choices changed? Is there pressure to strike while the iron is hot?

TAYLOR-JOY I think I’ve always followed character and only recently did I start following directors as well, but it’s always been about, “Do I feel like I’m the right person to tell this story? Do I think I can tell this story correctly?” And if you look at something like Queen’s Gambit, it was not supposed to be the white-hot show; it’s a show about a girl that plays chess for seven hours, but I felt so compelled to tell that story. So, it sounds cheesy, but I really just keep following my heart. OK, wait, I take that back. Something I’m also learning is that you give yourself to this person for three to six months, and I never used to think about this before, but now I start thinking, “Am I ready to give up my life for this person? Do I need to tell this story so badly that I’m going to do that?” I try not to think about what other people will think, because it’s your life at the end of the day. And as we all know, you’re that [character] every hour of the day, and when you go home it’s difficult to let go of them, so you have to really love them.

Mj, you’ve talked about how significant this show was for you and for the visibility of the trans community. How have the opportunities being presented to you post-Pose changed?

RODRIGUEZ In the middle of the third season, I started figuring out my worth, and it’s scary. I was nervous. I didn’t expect to actually book my next job after Pose.

ERIVO I did.

PAULSON We all did.

RODRIGUEZ And see, that’s my insecurity and that’s something I have to fix. I didn’t think it was possible. To get an opportunity like Pose and have myself centered in the story and to end it with hope, and then to get another opportunity with an iconic actress [an Apple TV+ comedy co-starring Maya Rudolph] was surreal. But if I’m still feeling the need for protection as far as my Blackness, my Latina-ness and my trans-ness go, that means there is more work to be done.

Are there doors still not open to the rest of you? Parts you’d love to play if only Hollywood would see you that way?

PAULSON No one has asked me to do a comedy, and I’m a little frustrated about that.

ERIVO And you’re funny as fuck.

PAULSON I spend a lot of time in these worlds where I’m either running or crying or screaming or playing a real person and trying to get their physicality, and I’d really like to do a nice road picture with me and a couple of chicks.

ANDERSON Ooh, I’ll go with you!

PAULSON How about all of us just in a road movie — like, get a Winnebago and let’s go?

ERIVO I’m down.

RODRIGUEZ Yeah, count me in.

ANDERSON I’m 53, Sarah, and I’ve really only been offered comedy in the last three years of my life, and I don’t think that’s because I’m any funnier than I used to be. I think a lot of it is that people just couldn’t fathom it, whether it was that Scully was still in their minds or it was someone else, because I’ve played a lot of dark characters, too. And so they just weren’t coming. And then came [Netflix comedy] Sex Education — and I passed when it first came to me because I didn’t think it was right. It was my partner who proverbially dug it out of the trash.

ERIVO I’ve yet to see a Call Me by Your Name for a Black woman, I have yet to see a piece that allows a woman of color to be sensual and soft and loving and be loved. I’ve just not seen it, and I desperately want to experience that, just because I want to be able to be in that space of vulnerability and lilt. I really want to do that. And that hasn’t come my way. A comedy hasn’t come my way either.

RODRIGUEZ Same. It’s been so hard when it comes to trans women being loved in a sensual way, and I’d love to do something like that.

Elizabeth and Anya, to Sarah’s point, Hollywood likes to keep actors in a lane. How have you avoided that kind of pigeonholing in your careers to date?

TAYLOR-JOY I’ve been saved from a lot of things in my life from pure innocence and naivete, genuinely. My first movie was called The Witch, I got a script immediately afterward that was about, you guessed it, a witch, and I figured, “Wow, why do they want to see me do this again?” So, I was immediately like, “Can I not do anymore witch movies, please?” And my agent was like, “OK. Sure, whatever you say.” I wonder how many people agree with me here because I certainly want to please, but in order to please, I don’t have to give up myself, and actually it’s more important to please myself than it is to please anybody else. I’m giving my heart, my body, my soul, everything to this character, I’m not going to do something because somebody wants me to do it. That doesn’t make any sense and, also, it makes me miserable and then I can’t do my best work. And so if I feel the opportunities that are being given to me aren’t the right ones, then I have to stick my neck out and go, “Hey, I think I could maybe do this, if you’ll give me the opportunity to try.”

How about you, Elizabeth?

OLSEN [In the beginning,] I was just trying so hard to not be put in a box that that’s what was guiding my choices. I knew that I didn’t want to be an actor who was thought of as “youthful and beautiful” and whatever that attachment people like to put onto young women, and so I did everything in my power not [to be seen as] that. But I didn’t have my own pillars of why I wanted to do things beyond just the character. That started to solidify only in the last five years. So I made a lot of odd decisions [after theater school at NYU] because I didn’t know enough about film and the machine of it. Right, Sarah? You were there for that time. We were in Martha Marcy May Marlene, and I remember someone asked me, “You had Sarah Paulson with you, didn’t you know it could be a film people saw?” And I was like …

PAULSON You were like, “Who the fuck is Sarah Paulson?” (Laughter.)

OLSEN No, but independent cinema to me was just, like, going to Quad Cinema in New York and seeing a movie. The theater world is all I understood. So I feel like a moron for going back to theater only once in 10 years. And this conversation with Gillian right now is inspiring.

In light of Elizabeth’s concern about the trap of being perceived as “youthful and beautiful,” how would you all complete this sentence: I wish our male counterparts also had to …

OLSEN Deal with lighting and hair and makeup before doing press. I don’t know what I’m doing.

ERIVO Deal with people believing that you’ve lost your sexuality after the age of 30.

TAYLOR-JOY Had an understanding of what it was like to walk into a room and sometimes have to enforce yourself for people to take you seriously. That ability to just walk into a room and go, “I am valid, I own my space and everybody respects me” — it would be good if they knew what it was like to not have that.

ERIVO And on the flip side, to not have to deal with walking into the room and trying to make sure people aren’t scared of you when you get there.

What do you all know now that you wish you could have told yourself at the beginning of your career?

PAULSON I would like to have told myself that I didn’t need to excise myself from the experience. I was very focused on looking at other actors who had careers that I admired when I was first starting out and wondering what it was about them that made it possible for them to be chosen or employed and I’d often try, in an audition or a social setting, to mimic what I imagined was the desired effect, taking me out of the scenario. And there’s this beautiful Martha Graham-to-Agnes de Mille letter that I used to keep in a dressing room any time I was doing a play, about how there is only one you in all of time and space and that what you see and how you experience things is unique to you. And if you block it, the world will not have it. And as a young person, I thought, “Mute me, mute my opinions, my thoughts, my assessments and try to fill it with other things,” and now I think it’s the exact opposite, so I wish I had known that earlier. But I’ll take knowing it now [over] never knowing it at all.

RODRIGUEZ I would have told my younger self that my existence is worth it. When I was younger, I tried to fit into this mold of what a woman should do — you know, keep your legs crossed, always bow down to a man. But we don’t have to live in that world anymore. It’s a new day.

It is, and that’s a good place to end. Thank you all for sharing your time and your stories.

ERIVO I know we’re supposed to finish, but do you know what’s occurred to me as I’ve listened to every one of you? I remember where I was when I watched every single one of you — and I remember what I was dealing with or going through. I was watching you, Sarah, when I was shooting Aretha. I was watching you, Elizabeth, when I was in London on my own, and you, Anya, when I was in Atlanta. Mj, I remember watching a season of Pose while I was shooting The Outsider. And Gillian, I watched you when I was in a hotel with my partner outside of London. And I remember what happened. And so your performances aren’t just brilliant, your performances get to be Post-its in all of our lives, and so I thank you for that.

PAULSON That’s a very beautiful way to put it …

ANDERSON It also brings us back full circle to what Anya said at the beginning, which is, “Oh my God, I have to keep reminding myself that people are going to watch this.” But actually, thank God that people are watching it, because we’ve touched each other’s lives and numerous other people’s lives just by focusing on the thing that we love most.

TAYLOR-JOY And the importance of these conversations is the honesty, because it’s very easy for us to get locked into our own heads of this as an individual experience — “There’s something wrong with me,” or “Everybody else is doing really great and nobody else grieves their characters,” or whatever your version of that is in whatever industry you’re in. But having honest conversations with people who are willing to be vulnerable just makes me feel so much less alone.

PAULSON The next time you feel that way, text me. I’ll remind you. I’d also like to say that there’s this [perception] of women being pitted against one another and not being there for one another, and this conversation is diametrically opposed, in that what we are actually saying is that each of us has been buoyed by and inspired by the work of everyone here. So, I may not watch anything I do, but I sure as hell am watching all of you.

Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

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