#this isnt all that serious just thinking to myself.

[tillman]

gahh . im still thinking about stuff.

#and like ugh. no. the reason i havent been happy with my art recently despite liking how it looks is cus im too exhausted #from work and life and such to really put the effort and thought into it i want. its careless. its thoughtless. theres #very little in my current portfolio im satisfied with on an intellectual level. and it makes me feel very #stagnant and kind of pissy about art. gah. #<- btw. call me pretentious or whatever and ill just straight up kill you. this isnt pretentiousness. i just care deeply about my art and #it conveying what i want it to. for me to be failing on that well. it kindof sucks #i think a lot of the work im happy with now is my stupid soliloquies to myself. theyre scratchy and look bad but at least they #get it across. yknow? ahh its so hard then. #txt #this isnt all that serious just thinking to myself. #having an odd blurry moment so putting my thoughts to text helps a lot in figuring who i am LOL . <- in a system way not in a . #whatever #but i do think that ^ above not the system stuff ^ contributes to why i really feel negatively about being viewed as a fandom artist #despite drwaing fanart- i want to use these characters to explore and think about stuff. u know? and i think fandom spaces #tend to treat fanart and writing and all that as mostly disposable one time use pretty things to think on once nad never agian. #and GAH!! that bugs me!!! i do not like how the internet has PRIMED people into treating art that way! #personal pet peeve i guess. what can you do

[skitskatdacat63]

And now a matching Fernando :D

#he IS the moment #oops yeah sorry au art on the race wknd apologies #i dont know whats gotten into me #i just sit and draw something from start to finish for 3 hrs straight #ON SCHOOL NIGHTS #im serious when i say this au has infected me 😭😭😭 #if no one is feeding me i gotta feed myself!!!!!!! #also posting this as manifestion for luck for fernando this wknd!!! #scheduling it for btwn fp1 and fp2 so lets hope both go well haha #every time i draw fernando the most important part is his lower lashes omg #i gotta give him little itty bitty lashes hehehe. i draw him like i draw my own self portraits 😭😭 #uhhhhh the shirt isnt really supo #the little tongue is both to match seb and to reference this random pic of him from zandvoort 23(i think) #very important to me that he is the most ostentatious man ever #i meant to draw his coat with the embroidery but aghhhhh im such a sucker for those puffy ruffley sleeves #hope uou guys dont mind all the au stuff(i know you dont but my anxiety forces me to still say so AGGHHHHHHH) #but as ive said ive not been this creatively driven in a while so lots of fun :D #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #f1 art #formula 1 art #boy king au

[tiger-balm]

some people are soooo negative all the time like girl shut up !

#like maybe if you stepped away from your screen and experienced the real world you would realize nothing is that serious <3 #like at this risk of “toxic positivity” or whatever #i just personally i dont think yelling online about players or coaching or whatever is productive or healthy #the world isnt ending bc of one bad game from a team or from a player #and unless you work for the team it really doesnt impact your life at all lol #so why not just have fun when you can <3 #anyway whatever #sometimes i would just like to look at things for my teams without having to scroll through a million negative posts #talking to myself

[anxiously-sidequesting]

the only reason why I dont post more about gretta darkkettle is because then I'd actually get Serious on here

#listen yall im not really the type of person to let a fictional character get me actually riled up (negative) irl #cuz theyre just tools in a narrative not real people #but like dont some of you have just That One Character that you actually just Hate. #actually i dont think id have so much of a problem eith gretta if she were written to actually face consequences and not be a free woman #but like. we have a game that introduces serious issues within it right? please portray that PROPERLY .... #like okay we all know that wizard101 isnt exactly the pinnacle of genius and sensitive writing #theres like 800 more topics in the game that were handled horribly that are much more important than gretta but. #i wont even get INTO gretta ANYMORE SUALAJSOSHDU she. she ugh. she really makes me (commits murder on a wide scale) #like i was thinking of doing an essay on her but for many reasons i decided against that. one of those reasons is that I Love Myself Actualy #anyways this post is useless. HAKWHEOEH bit idgaf i like to air out my thoughts like stinky laundry #its always noteworthy to me when fiction actually makes me MAD. a lot of the things in wizard101 is like that for me. goos job kingsisle /s #wizard101 #wiz101 #w101 #text posts

[guideaus]

i can usually tolerate coming of age shoujo/shounen, esp when its got a nice optimistic vibe to it, but usually when it gets to the future/college stuff i lose interest

#personal #esp when its related to romance #somehow in the manga they all wanna leave and never together so i cant find myself to empathize at all or anything #they wanna go to school far away and i think 'well thats over! anyways.' #high school to me was just not serious. i never dated and took on a pessimistic pov from my mom that the things that happened then didnt #matter and u shouldnt be dating or anything (so if u do it wont matter) and idk they feel so young #and ig me personally not having a concrete path rn and definitely having not imagined one as a junior in hs #i dont even get the point of mentioning the future in the comic if u wont show it. most of those stories end when they graduate i think #knt isnt that deep tho. i might think abt dropping it if the rest is this. but also sunk cost fallacy is kicking in. im on ch 81 of 123 #hmmmmmmmmmm

[rodeoromeo]

There IS an amount of george’s contribution in then and now… but honestly nowhere near enough. I know it’s because they probably didn’t have a lot to work with… but still, I’m starving over here. Where is my boy :(

there is An Amount to be sure. but honestly you can't tell me he never put down anything resembling anything beyond rhythm guitar when they worked on it previously. I feel like they could have done more... but honestly! I just have problems with it overall. he STILL did not want to do the track, and now the narrative of the final beatles song is a disjointed unevenly weighted thing that I personally just feel a little strange about

#still bracing myself for being attacked for being like. i feel somewhat strange about this objectively strange thing that has happened here. #just with as far as how i feel about the creation of music too like this isnt like.. what i really think a genuine expression of music is #and i can pull up the quotes again of george talking about music and how he has a similar opinion on how music is made #im not trying to be a hater for the sake of it but this is just genuinely how i feel about things #and im very serious about music and feel strong in my opinions on it! #and this is my blog. so i should feel upset or scared about saying so #im so traumatized and nervous that im going to make someone mad at me or annoyed with me for saying so but idk #anon sorry for venting in the tags a bit #but like #“last beatles song” is not actually a definitive thing that exists. #people even have different opinions about what to call the last beatles album #so why do we have to hang it all on this song #that sounds a bit strange and doesnt reflect the group as a whole #okay sorry #b talks #op

[oedipushansen]

i feel like ppl are too cynical abt young relationships

#maybe im biased bc i am a Youth myself but i think ppl are so quick to see a young couple & have their immediate reaction be ‘well THATS not #gonna last LOL’ bc like. well first thats just rude to say abt any relationship! but also like #while it is definitely true a lot of young relationships dont work out i think thats just the case for all relationships regardless of age #i know ppl whove had highschool/college relationships that didnt work out & a lot of ppl whove had highschool/college relationships that DID #work out & been married for years #this isnt that serious its just something ive been thinking about lately #txt

[iwaasfairy]

i dont think we should use loli as a body type description tho😭 it is strictly used for 15 and below girls, whether slutty or curvy. i know we’re just here for shits and giggles but im personally a strict pizzagate follower and all the child sexualization in media seems a bit too intentional and i’d like to stop it if i can… please stay safe everyone! <3

i'm not having a discussion about this on my own dark content blog. I am a loli, i'll continue to refer to myself and others as lolis, and if you genuinely think that I mean anything else by it then you should unfollow me. This isn't the blog for you.

Loli is absolutely a word for a body type + personality/fashion sense. Pretending like it doesn't, or hasn't, commonly been used for that is silly and does so much more harm than good. Me calling myself a loli isn't child sexualization.

Urbandic definition below. This is all I'll say about it.

#im serious i do not want to have a conversation about it so if you dont agree ok; but unfollow or keep it to yourself. #im not feeding any discourse about this shit #its performative activism #sayin people are doin 'child sexualization' by using a word isnt doing what you think it's doing #if you genuinely care about child exploitation #please focus your attention on people who actually harm children #do some good. get informed. not just informed in surface level etymology that doesn't actually help anything;; i mean actually informed #child marriages. grooming > sex work. dark web shit. all issues that need solving #loli is a body type; curvy is a body type; thicc is a body type; twink is a body type #it can also be a term towards someone who acts baby-ish or overly sensitive; which is personally why i call myself a dumb loli #i understand that not everyone subscribes to that meaning; but denying it exists is harmful #tw.discourse

[wheelercore]

I think ppl really overestimate how distraught others will be if their theory doesn't happen lol

#this isnt a vague btw just stuff ive being seeing #like i understand fan disappointment is a real thing but personally ive seen it most with if the canon plot twist was Bad #if a persons theory doesnt come true but the canon is actually good and well thought out i dont see ppl throwing shit fests over it #yeah i get fandom is an untamed best and we all hate fanon being taken as canon but #i think the whole 'youre setting yourself up for disappointment' thing is weird bc this is just fun for me!! #i prommy ill be okay if my crack theory doesnt actually happen dw about me xjdnsksnsksnsj #being careful to just speak for myself but this is not serious business lol

[loverboybitch]

𓆩♡𓆪 crazy that there are infinities inside me for real.//.

#imjustsittinghere #my friend texted me from berlin right now just like #he said all the outfits hes seen so far are crazy and that id love it there #he said its montreal if montreal was serious lol #literally how i was like maybe ill move tomontreal or berlin like. if that isnt serendipitous #gonna make my way there one day i swear #maybe ill actually make a plan for next year #think i might try to spend some time in malta maybe meet up with some friends in berlin? would be kind of cool for like a week or something #spend a month in malta if i can maybe? #ideally if i could get someone to sublet my room in toronto that would be perfect so i wouldnt waste all my rent money #but if i hold onto my job i can bring my laptop there and work a couple shifts so its not like a complete write off u know? #maybe next fall...thatd be the fun time to go i think anyway n gives me a lot of time to save up #if i can stop myself from spending money on clothes i could fr do it lol #jus gotta focus on making my own #n i just got a brand new dope ass hoodie so im satiated for now #extremly jealous tho my friends are in berlin rn and going to paris for a couple days #going montreal at least tho next weekend with some other friends n going skiing n probably to a cool skate bar #at least thats hype <3 #on my evil villain arc which really just means im trying to be less scared and follow my dreams a little #hope it works : ) #really do love the whole my boss said i look like a villain thing tho im latching onto that heavy #kind of been playing with this creative space/idea of embracing the lil demon imp that lives in me so it just seems very timely and fitting #jsut really identifying with the word imp idk more on that later

[channelrat]

😮😮 what Bo tattoo are you getting!! I don't have any yet myself but I want a few and a Bo/Inside one is definitely on the list!

Bestie it's so bad I have so many in mind (I want 1 for SURE the others are depending on the situation)

I want a flower doodle from one of his signed CD's (with maybe aeom lyrics I've not decided but the flower for sure)

There are like 3 but I like this one (I have Higher quality on my laptop lol)

Second in line is this sad man bc I've wanted him since I first saw it in Inside during the WWI viewing part

I wanna say "robert we're really in it now :((" to him when I'm in a situation

I want a simple lineart of the Make Happy clown specifically bc that special means so much to me & theres an artist on here (I have it rb'd but I cant find it rn) that has a good one who I'd message when it comes time

& I also kind of want a dumpling, just a small little dumpling. Nothing big & not in like a very obvious spot but I want a dumpling because of how much I obsessed over Five Years back in like October to now

If the flower doesnt have lyrics (though I've already discussed how they'd layout w/ the flower with one of my friends on here) then I'd probably get lyrics somewhere else but I havent decided what song or lyrics

*the flower gets "You say the whole worlds ending honey it already did" if I choose lyrics there

#along with that im making my mom give me the lil doggy she used to draw all the time #and my dad gets to draw whatever he wants for a tattoo #but those arent bo specific those are just things im forcing my parents to do lmao #i think i saw nix say something about the egghead art and i never thought about that #so i might get something one day that isnt the art exactly but reflects one of my favorite poems #so...like a crowbar or something #because i want to beat you to death is my favorite beside hanged #the MOST serious bo tattoo i want is the flower doodle with aeom lyrics #the MOST meaningful is the flower #the others are based solely on the fact that bo brought me joy #regardless everything has to be lineart because im turning myself into a non-toxic coloring book #suddenxdesire #this was SUPPOSED to be what i did for my birthday but plans change & my birthday is in like 2 weeks so im pushing it off bc broke but #hopefully by like october i can get something

[drum-bot-brian]

trying to explain what this word i made up means to my friends

#yes i know i made it up 5 miunes ago but you sould know this #its the word mascel #its for femcels who are trans man/masc #its not an incel its about who sexism is ingraned into our culture #less kill all men more very short temper with men #aand kill all men isnt serious anyway #but im just very frustrated at the men in my life #even the people who think they arent sexist #so mascel it is like i regonise that men are taught this way because of our society and can unlearn it but im fed up that most dont #its like this bc its a term i made up for myself for my feeling #its not saying women dont feel like this it bc im trans masc and i feel like this #i was calling myself a femcel but it made me feel like shit #so i had this whole thing tonight #idk why im explaining myself #its a transmasc who hates men to put it simply #but as ive just said its more that that #if none of this makes sence its bc im way too tired and way to caffinated #tldr i hate society and the way it effects me in the form of sexism so i made a funny little word t

[orangefuckingjuice]

sometimes i look back at my past and just cringe so hard because good will has never stopped me from making mistakes and being stupid. like i try to so hard to be kind and helpful and try and be a good force in the world but also like… do damage control on my every action? not step on toes, not say stupid things, not embarrass myself. like this primal battle of a terror of not being likable but my deeply human flawed natured when you just… be stupid. and I always eventually do, i jump to conclusions or say things without having all the knowledge or jump the gun on something when i should have waited or just do something that i dont know better on because im young and still haven’t experienced so much ?? thinking im smart enough to overcome things alone rather than ask for help. and only with the clarity of time can I see my mistakes and learn from them. and i do try very hard to self improve, i am extremely aware of all the tiny missteps i have made in my life and it’s hard to not live in regret, because there’s always the chance I’m going to fuck up again or I already have and it’ll only be a matter of time to look back and regret once again. like i want to genuinely be better, but how to not beat yourself up over it all in your own self evaluation? it’s not a kind perspective, and excuses are unacceptable. just like slap the shit out of myself until i’m actually better. until i stop fucking up. and it’s hard to not live like that and see it that way, wishing you could bubblewrap yourself until you hit some kind of wisdom quota. or go live in a cave until you are some perfect person and everyone will only know your best self so you can hate your younger self and their choices in private. the thought of people knowing me is harrowing because they seem me for what i am and not all i could be? how will they know im better now, or at least trying to be. will they continue to live in that reality of when i was selfish or ignorant or unfunny and unlikable or a know-it-all or unstable and obsessive and all of it. all of it.

forgiving yourself is a challenge

(tw in the tags for talks of suicide)

#i desperately strive for a form of ultimate self control where i am aware and deliberate with my very thoughts and actions at all times #can you tell i overthink things to the point of paranoia? #at least if im in complete control of myself i can blame no one but myself for my mistakes #and that means i can fix myself because i broke myself in the first place #and my fucking perspectives being distorted from mental illness is so terrifying because in the moment it is always #‘i know what im doing im in control’ #but then i get out of it and i get better and i realize i was so out of control #lead by emotion and an addiction to validation and putting myself in harms way because i lose all sense of self preservation #i was thinking earlier like #if one day sometimes takes my every mistake and compiles them and shares them with the world ill do my very best to apologize and explain #and then like k-ll myself #dead serious this was my conclusion #and im just thinking is this really control? like is this a mentally healthy totally unobscured undistorted conclusion? #i dont think i could live with myself if everyone knew how much of a failure i am #but control over my life is the ultimate act of control of the self isnt it #of course i would be dead by now if i wasnt so much of a coward #i dont think this obsession with self control is healthy especially with how aware i am of how out of control my mental illness makes me #i know i am inherently flawed creature but i dont know how to except that if i cant reach some form of homeostasis of regulation #then i just want to give up #i refuse to leave a negative mark on the world and if my presence does more harm than good i would remove myself entirely #god ive been off my meds for over a week now??? im getting so paranoid im thinking so much i feel like i need to take my skin off #i hate everything that i am #because i am capable of being greater than i am and i keep failing myself #i want to erase the memory of me from everyones minds #actually bpd #idk if bpd has anything to do with this but hey i do have it

[a-firefly-faerie]

.

#im so serious you probably do not want to read this i just needed to verbalise my words and be embarrassing #like dont read this. its a vent. its a depressing post. just scroll on and be happy today #........................................................................................................................................... #no because i actually dont like being alive. like this is the worst. #i can talk up and down about how beautiful the earth is and how lovely nature is and how great people really are #but it doesnt matter when i dont have the courage to go see any of that or the means to actually travel to places that are beautiful #not even if theyre in my area because the city isnt walkable #but i still have friends who i talk to every single day and i have things set up so that i am actually speaking to people like dnd #or watching stuff with zhari or even impromptu things like playing games and having people watch or multiplayer shit #and thats all well and good but i always know for a fact that i am going to fuck it up and i dont know how to curb that #i dont have money for therapy i dont have a job that works me consistently the resources that i have found dont work for me #and i know this because i have tried for years to be a better person and theres just nothing in the world that could ever make me good #like im not a fun person to be around right? im not kind and i dont know how to speak to people and im generally awkward and mean #i can swear to myself that ive changed that im better that im not the person i was when i was 14 but i havent changed. im not better #and i dont know how to be better #i dont provide any value to the people around me. at all #im just baseline a piece of shit and sometimes i do a nice thing for people sometimes im NICE and it makes people think that im kind #but im not i just did a nice thing and that doesnt make a kind person #we can try and coddle me forever and ever but we all know that its not going to be long until You know. It's all over #as in im alone again as i should be #i dont think i really care about people leaving me anymore because to be so real i deserve to be alone #i should be isolated until im no longer a piece of shit who cant be a normal kind person #and if that point never comes then like well . but its been so long and so much time where ive been this way that its like #we all know the day is never coming that ill be better than this #i really should just extract myself from people's lives already. like i need to be someone that people hardly know or speak to #it would be better that way for everyone involved #and people can come back and be like 'oh dont trust your thoughts when youre going through seasonal depression' #'dont trust your thoughts when its late' but i feel this way all the time it just gets more intense in the summer #i dont just become a better person when fall hits this is a consistent thing with me that im a piece of shit #and EVERYONE knows it

[tabootasaur]

...

#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash #i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit #before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again #i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that #my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life #id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing #i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do #they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it #ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke #i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE #its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15 #its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have #but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how #i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for #i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it #she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way #i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it #i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating #someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all #i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth #it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse #i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit #please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me #i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback #im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how #every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked #my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live #im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me #and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work #they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me

[moonlitsnail]

.

#valid #work posting lol #i called out again. this is the second time this week that ive just needed to not be at work #i went on wednesday but it sucked so badly i was like crying bc my mental health tanked so i said i felt bad and went home #and i felt so guilty abt leaving but like. was crying at work any way to be? i dont think so #yesterday i had to leave a lil early for a drs appt (which they knew abt so nbd) and today i am not feeling it so im calling out again #ive told myself all week 'this appt is gonna make ur arm unusable for a few days which is a valid excuse to call out' #BUT ALSO ISNT LITERALLY CRYING AT WORK BC U FEEL SO SHITTY A VALID REASON?? #ive just been fucked up abt it recently bc this job is so physically and mentally taxing on me and its SO ANNOYING and im mad abt it #bc like!! ok trauma dumping time: my mental health was a fucking joke to my mom growing up and so i have a rlly hard time taking it serious #bc im like 'its all in my head right? so just deal!!' bc thats what ive always done!! and lemme tell u!! it stops working!! #and so when it comes to calling out of work the only reason in my mind is physical illness BUT MOM NEVER VALIDATED THAT EITHER #so instead! when i feel physically bad! i convince myself that im just being dramatic and that its not that bad and then i wind up going l #or i literally call out exactly when my shift starts which i know is not appreciated. #idk im sick of typing this is like time 3 ive tried to get my thoughts in order and im done im gonna go doom scroll reddit or smthn #point is: i dont take my health and wellbeing serious bc mom glorified not giving a fuck abt urself but i do give a fuck #so its rlly frustrating bc half of me says 'bottle it up u can push thru' and the other half says 'good god SAY SOMETHING!!' #and the most it amounts to is calling out every now and then feigning illness and feeling guilty bc i could be working #fucking stupid