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#my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life
tabootasaur
·
10 months
Text
...
#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash
#i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit
#before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again
#i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that
#my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life
#id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing
#i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do
#they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it
#ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke
#i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE
#its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15
#its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have
#but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how
#i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for
#i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it
#she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way
#i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it
#i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating
#someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all
#i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth
#it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse
#i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit
#please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me
#i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback
#im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how
#every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked
#my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live
#im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me
#and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work
#they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me
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