#this is like half thought out I fear

[soullessjack]

throwing out just One more hot dean and jack take while it’s on my brain but I honestly think dean gives jack a little more autonomy than sam and cas do . Maybe.

#heavy on cas bc I feel he’s a bit more … coddling? ? than Sam is ? #sam just kind of leaves jack to himself and vaguely offers support or advice #but Dean is the only one we’ve seen on screen that has a MUTUAL connection w jack #like their entire start and end conversations in Optimism abt needing to stay busy & blaming themselves #they GET each other #cas is just. idk #the argument he had with jack in 14x0…2 I believe .. #like jack is just CONSTANTLY trying to get ppl to understand that he makes his own choices and can handle himself #I cannot stress enough that he hates being treated like a helpless child. #there’s so much situational irony with that lmaooo #anyways #this is like half thought out I fear #I miss my guys #cal.txt #spn #supernatural #jack kline #dean winchester #dean and jack #tfw2.0 #sam winchester #sam and jack #cas #cas and jack #like I do love Sam and cas as dads they’re all his dads . dean is just my favorite im sorry #if I said people don’t like dean as a dad that much bc he doesn’t infantilize jack …… would you brain me with a rock ….. be honest #liek … Idk #I am noticing patterns and I do not like them or the common theme they share #goodnight gang

[sysig]

Delusions (Patreon)

"Could I have your hand, sir?" Max didn't move, which Dexter was, sadly, getting used to.

"Sir?" Max jerked, then turned and stared at him, lost and blank. "Your hand, please."

Max's hand lifted shakily, and he laid it gently in Dexter's upturned palm. Dexter gave a quick and quiet "thank you," then turned it over in his own hand, observing him closely.

Too closely - his knuckles were rough and his fingernails were dull and cracked in places. His once-soft, not-a-day-in-his-life-subjected-to-hard-labour hands were now, already, toughened and split and scarred in places, especially the heel of his palm. He turned it over again, this time to stop looking so intensely. He had only wanted to give it a cursory glance to begin with.

"Do you know what I see, sir?" he asked as conversationally as he could manage, running his fingers along Max's abused flesh. He seemed to be at least half paying attention, his eye gazing down between them, and he'd occasionally twitch, encouragingly Dexter thought. He seemed to want to curl around him, then stopped and shook, his hand squeezing into a fist. Dexter coaxed him back out, encouraged him to hold himself lightly.

"What do you see?" He was almost startled by Max actually continuing their conversation, that happened so rarely now, shaking and quiet as it was. He took a deep breath, was he really going to do this?

"I see a hand, with five fingers." Max remained quiet, though his brow curled, and a guarded look came into his eye, though he still wasn't looking at Dexter. He felt a pang of guilt, but he had to try. "What do you see?"

Max's eye unfocused and began to water. He looked up, but not enough to reach Dexter's gaze in return, instead staring through his chest, and he felt just as hollow and empty as he must look to him.

"Do you take me for a fool, DAX?" Quiet and as close to angry as he'd heard since they'd been here.

No, not angry.

Betrayed.

He swallowed down the stinging lump at the back of his throat. He had to put on a brave face, had to keep his composure if he wanted Max to get better. That was the only thing he wanted, more than anything.

"Of course not, sir. Genuinely, what do you see?"

Max pulled his hand away and turned his body, his bandaged side facing Dexter. Shutting him out, pointedly. Dexter's empty hand curled into a fist, he was no better.

"Please, don't..." Max took a shallow, shuddering breath, and several beats before he spoke again, even quieter. "Don't ridicule me." Dexter could hear his breath catch, and he wanted nothing more than for this all to just stop.

"Sir, I didn't-"

"I've had enough of that." He shook his head stiffly, the action strange and wrong, like he had forgotten how. He stilled, his head turned even further away. "More than enough."

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Dexter Favin #And a drabble-fic under the cut #I ended up writing that the night after I read - I was a bit too inspired while busy so it's a little on the unfocused side haha #I would've cleaned it but I worry it wouldn't make it out of that stage! Please enjoy it for now <3 #This set is mostly periphery ideas - inspired by events rather than directly shown ♪ I suppose the first two kinda count tho #But they're more directly of the little scene I wrote ouò Poor ZEX </3 #And Dex! He's usually so capable! But he's stretching himself so thin ahh it's hard to watch in the best way #Of course he doesn't want to give ''Max'' over to just anyone - anyone at all really - both of their trusts have bottomed out #But how much could he reasonably care for him in that state? When he's still being actively haunted and most importantly - Not Max #He needs helps he needs support he needs to sleep and shower but a second with his eyes off Max and - then what? He'll immolate from fear #It's hard to imagine him crying but pushed to this extreme? To the thought of losing Max utterly and completely? Hhhhh #I do also just love him being possessive even outside of how terrible the situation is - he's always had his glimpses but this situation #Brings out the worst in him <3 In terrible ways #Really his method is just setting ''Max'' up nearby and prompting him over the sound of the shower like that's not nerve-wracking at all #Like he already doesn't answer half the time if that #As for the mini fic I was really interested in Dex's line about indulging ''Max's'' delusions #Apart from the fact that they're not delusions - not that anyone believes him outside of the Institute - what it means to indulge is weird #I saw one example of how to handle delusions that stuck with me - how not to deny them outright while also not reinforcing them #Since it's not actually helpful to be told ''That isn't Really happening to you'' when to you - to ZEX - it really is! How invalidating #And so rather to take the approach of ''I don't see/feel/hear what you are - I can't find any evidence of it myself'' and extrapolating #Dex taking the approach of ''What reality are you experiencing right now?'' and trying to build from there! #Unfortunately ZEX has already been treated like....well like all that - he's not in the mood for games even well-intentioned ones #He /knows/ he's in a human body. He can feel that and see that and understands that. It doesn't change who - what he /is/ #The idea of a completely broken ZEX is so sad to me :( He's so strong and prideful and vivacious - Max really is another him </3 #It's not the same but he was saved from death! To fall into torture... But even despite that I want to see him succeed! As much as he can #Even in that small and shaking way I want to see him be hateful and spiteful - angry. Powerful <3 Fighting ♥

[zestials]

general ramblings about zee & how he operates.

while zestial has some level of fucky - wucky morals , they heavily rely on the kind of respect that was so deeply embedded into him in his time alive. ( albeit without the blatant misogyny of the time period , zestial drinks respect women juice. ) meaning , he doesn't give all that much of a shit what sins have been committed but how one acts towards him ( or by extension , those he cares heavily for / his domain or souls under his protection ) he doesn't even particularly care if you don't like him , but if you can show him respect you'll usually get the same in return --- ** if you are on his level or higher.

he doesn't work without reason , but zestial's still a demon overlord , he makes deals , he's been collecting souls for centuries. he's charismatic & polite , you want to tell him things ! ( that is , if you get past the looming unknown threat of his general presence !!! )

but if you aren't of use for him / don't interest him ( or aren't associated in some way with someone who does , i.e. he wouldn't go randomly targeting those at the hotel since their associations with the morningstar family / alastor , etc. ) or you cross him , he has no problem decimating you for his own entertainment. on the flip side , if you stay out of his way & don't poke & prod him , you're usually fine. he has ensured however that his reputation stays a bit more ambiguous to keep the fear he's instilled very much alive. ( if he has to make the occasional spectacle , oh well ! he does love his theatrics & can be undeniably petty / also hold a grudge for a long , long time. )

so in this vein , while zestial doesn't particularly like the vees , it's moreso about their general attitude / actions he deems " tasteless " so publicly. but also the reason he'll gravitate more towards dealing with vox rather than vel or val for the more respectful showmanship , doesn't matter if it's sincere or not.

#obviously dependent on other plots too this is just in general !!!!! #would u believe this started out as just me thinking about zee's relation to other overlords #i also think zee doesnt think half of the overlords will make it at any given time . #but someday .. i will elaborate on how contracts w zee work . #i feel like he has some ozzie vibes of treating them rather fairly bc otherwise how do you not get overthrown eventually after this long #then there's the whole fear. which means he will absolutely destroy you & your entire life should you cross him ! #whewhwowo! #i have so many thoughts about this funky overlord we see for less than 4 minutes. #shut me up ple #* ── a haunting curse. : headcanons. #* ── dealing in your secrets. : inbox.

[astrxealis]

dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!! #i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun! #BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia. #my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door #or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death......... #Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees #old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk. #and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that. #I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway! #wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic. #anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne #is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either) #and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god. #AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :(( #2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more. #i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever. #ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop #getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared #okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!

[devotedlystrangewizard]

totk really is one of those games that make me go "ok thanks for the characters, setting, and general plot, but ill take it from here <3" because the entire historical timeline had so much potential for interesting and nuanced story telling but they just went with the old zelda story formula and YES thats how theyve always done it but botw was such a reset in terms of gameplay that they couldve overhauled how they handle story in totk. but they didnt

#ramblings #all the races swearing fealty to rauru made me so uncomfortable #like yeahhh ganondorf evil or whatever but also. hey. why is the one leader fighting for the independence of his people. the evil villain #am i just not getting something here am i insane #my first thought when i heard about ganondorf returning was 'wow they could turn him into an actual character' AND THEN THEY DIDNT #its been half a year i feel like the honeymoon period is over. totk was kinda mid. im sorry #it was alright but it just. didnt grab me. at all #botw was interesting because it was new but totk made me yearn for the older zelda formula #though tbh. im always yearning for the older zelda formula. i grew up on oot & twilight princess #you hype up ganondorf so much you make him look like THAT (no im still not over this) and then you just. do what weve always done #this happened in twilight princess. it happened in oot. it happened in ww. hell if you count demise it happened in skyward sword #IT HAPPENE.D IN THE FUCKING HYRULD WARRIORS SPINOFF #'oooh noooo the great evil has returned' WEVE BEEN HERE EVERY TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POTENTIAL #heres the gerudo having a man born and making him king as is their custom but they spend years in fear that he will be monstrous #here they are after all these iterations of ganondorf afraid to even have kids out of fear that SOMEONE will bring the new great evil #heres a child recently given the throne despite being barely more than a baby always treated with fear by everyone around him #ARE YOU SEEING MY VISION???? #the curse is right there. do something with it. oh my god #i KNOW zelda games are just simple heros journeys but pleaseeee i need food #you dont have to make ganondorf nice just. do something with him im so tired of the evil guy caricature #i like guys who are plain evil but i like them more when they have some fucked up motivation beyond taking over the world

[dutybcrne]

Thunderings are happening, my brain has funneled off into hcs mode

#//Aka; guess who am I gonna ramble on abt rn lol #☆ ┆ ( .ooc. ); #hc; kaeya #//That's right; babes! #//Anywho; Kae is NOT a fan of thunder #//If it's not tales of the Electro Archon from his father; then it's the circumstances in which they'd parted #//The moment the storm rolled in; he was terrified esp of the sound and ran himself ragged trying to find a place to escape it #//Damn near ran himself off a cliff had a strike of lightning not made him stumble back from it #//Managed to find his way to the winery where he hid for a bit before Tunner found him and Crepus managed to persuade him to stay #//After damn near running the man winded bc he thought he was trying to chase him off or worse #//The fear lingered and festered more the longer he stayed in the Land of the Anemo Archon; out of guilt for 'deceiving' the Ragnvindrs #//For letting him stay there; for not telling them why he was here. Grew up half expecting to get Smote or smth at any time #//Esp whenever Luc dragged him into mischief or he went to the Church with them for whatever reason #//Mostly the former; but bc it was Luc asking him to clown; he didn't mind the 'potential risk' #//Even as a knight; he tended to get extremely skittish and quicker-tempered when it came to patrol during storms. Still does #//Tho at that time; thinly veiling the fact that he very much felt like a cornered animal every time he had to go and couldn't get out of i #//Esp if Luc was the one who asked him to come with; bc like before; he really didn't ever want nor like to say no to him #//The aversion got worse bc thundered the night of his Confrontation with Diluc too; absolutely increased how much he hated it #//His aversion tends to manifest in a drop in temperatures or frost formation; as well as him pausing and quickly glancing about #//As if he's half expecting a threat of some sort; really he's quickly locating things to distract himself with #//If he's with a trusted person; he'll tend to wordlessly press against their side; then either brush it off like he just wanted to #//Or mutter a quick 'thunder' and Not Elaborate whatsoever. Either they get it or they don't #//He WILL get annoyed if he's teased about it. And it will take him AWHILE before he lets the person comfort him during bc of it #//Bc from that point; he will assume it's done mockingly or bc they feel they HAVE to; and he hates that #//If they let him be or even support him more instead; he will make a passing mention abt how much he hates thunder to start cuing them in #//They just gotta show they are a Safe person--bonus is this opens up a LOT of doors when it comes to trust later #//It doesn't help that he already hates dealing with loud sounds as is; even the blasts from Klee Jumpy Dumpties set him on edge #//But the bad memories he has to thunder make it the worse by far to him

[dullahandyke]

big sparkly image of org xiii in my mind. no thoughts just the org

#some thoughts. some thoughts. #mostly abt how later-game knowledge interferes w com-kh2-days readings of the org #bcos like. in kh2 theyre like 'the apprentices lost their hearts and now theyre trying to get em back' #ok makes sense they were basically doing dark magic #but then u get to ddd and its like. no they didnt lose their hearts and get nobodied. xehanort actively nobodied them #and they were alive to witness it #and THEN they joined a group headed by pseudo-xehanort where he went 'ok heres how u get back the hearts i stole' #and THEN that doesnt even turn out to be true #like it shifts the narrative from 'a good half of these guys definitely did it to themselves' #to 'This Was Done To Them and now theyre working under their killer to get back what he took from them' #truly astounding that it took marly and larry to host a coup #ig nobodies not feeling emotions and thus not feeling fear plays into it but like. christ #and then misc thoughts abt how like. lea isa and ienzo were for sure kids when they nobodied. and i cant imagine thats good for development

[cervideity]

Expanding on the Vio nightmare idea: do you think Vio ever has nightmares about accidentally killing Green for real at Death Mountain? How does Link feel about these nightmares when he wakes up, considering it's one part of himself killing another?

I DIDNT EVEN CONSIDER THIS... UR MIND... i bet he does . like what a balancing act he had to pull. i bet Vio was stressed out of his mind.

I find it really hard to put myself in Links shoes when thinking about his separate selves and ive been trying ti imagine it all day. I feel like thered be the sense of a Near Missed catastrophe, like stopping yourself from walking into the road the moment a huge truck zooms by. Thats someone he cares about thats him its fine it didnt happen im fine im whole. vertigo.

#you know those nightmares where someone dies right in front of you and when you wake up its almost painful adjusting to reality. #but youre still scarred in some way. you can look at that person and see a ghost #that but link looking in a mirror in a half awake state #if you mean the idea of two of his parts fighting which im sure is what u meant and i cleverly dodged the question because it is so hard fo #me to imagine this #guilt betrayal horror fear confusion. #link is one guy using one brain rather than 4 guys 4 brains so i dont think he could fully occupy the brainspace of more than one of them #hopping around different povs as things settle. #sorry if this is confusingly phrased. hard to put my thoughts in words here #like a dizzying flicker of film frames. like touching the edge of a moving ceiling fan. painful and confusing #i still didnt fully answer the quesrion i just gave u a vibe. its ok. i am thinking about this a lot i may figure out my shit later

[tinylantern]

Me: * vents to my dad about the state of the world and my concerns for the future *

My dad: It is what it is and there is nothing we can do about it.

Me:

Me: (Well, great. Now I feel worse.)

#star speaks #I love my dad but there is a reason I avoid talking to him about my fears and anxieties #He has a very “just deal with it” borderline defeatist attitude #And half the time he ends up interrupting me while I'm talking just so he can say what he thinks #Like I feel like I can't properly air my concerns with him because he regularly interrupts my train of thought before I can even finish it #And even when I am able to say my part what he says does nothing to make me feel better #Or at least feel understood with where I'm coming from #If anything I feel more awful afterwards because he doesn't even try to be optimistic #I understand that it is important to be realistic and that there's no easy way out of the problems plaguing our world #But c'mon please be a bit more sensitive towards topics that are clearly worrying me #Apologies for the lengthy tag rant I'm just so exhausted

[adammilligan]

THINKING about adam and kate again and how all the background information we're given about adam was that he was fundamentally a Good Son. good enough grades to graduate with honors, loves his mom, raised himself when she couldn't, etc. and it's so LONELY growing up an only child much less one that would have to be alone all the time because kate was either working at night or sleeping in the day!!! and it makes me wonder why someone as close to his mom as adam would go to a whole other state for college instead of just staying in minnesota. i wonder if kate kind of pushed him to go away. like granted he only went one state over to wisconsin but still! i wonder if adam kind of grew up with the same mindset a lot of kids who watch the parent(s) that they love struggle which is yknow that they'll postpone college and stick around and work and help. genuinely kind of wonder if kate shooed him out of the house because she has that same sort of "i want you to be better than this" love that a lot of parents have because they don't want their kids to end up in the same situation as them. and of course adam wouldn't argue about it of course he'd pack his things and move a whole state over to a public university in a country where out-of-state tuition is sky high and he'd aim for a career that pays more than kate's. because kate wants him to be better. because he's a good son.

#there's no rhyme or reason to this it's just me spitting my thoughts out. but still! #adam with his clearly and genuinely loving relationship with kate already has a different parental dynamic set up for him than others on #this show. like it wouldn't be like dean's good son-ing with loyalty to an absent father and it wouldn't be like sam's rebelliousness #where john told him to never come back if he went to college #adam is the good son in a very straightforward and loving relationship with his kind-of absent MOTHER. which already alters things enough #it's not because he fears her. he would keep his head down and his nose clean and do what little she asks of him #because he knows she loves him and that she wants what's best for him #and because he led a fundamentally lonely childhood and that's just how he grew up so he'd hang on to her every word. just a little #i mean!!!! he was literally willing to sacrifice half the planet for a chance to see her again!!!! that's insane!!!! #gah. i don't know i'm just musing #kate rambles #adam milligan #kate milligan

[spiritofjustice]

yeah you might say i’m a pretty brave person (thought i saw a person on my front porch and the adrenaline hit me so hard i couldn’t see straight and also there wasn’t even an actual person honestly)

#Psy's no punctuation posts #that was a wild ride KRHF #it was really genuinely scary honestly i hate that so much #night time is MY domain it is CHILL TIME why must i be so so scared #i heard a weird scraping noise for a few minutes a couple hours ago then the dogs went berserk just half an hour ish ago #and when i went to look out the peephole bcs i was nervous then i thought i saw someone and got that adrenline kick #never felt that before in my life genuinely. not even the times when my mom tried to kill herself #that was true fear and honestly it was kinda funny bcs i immediately in the moment knew what i was experiencing #and was like 'damn this has gotta be adrenaline' so it lowkey helped me not freak as much as i could have

[fatespalm]

solemn vow to never be complacent or meek around things i feel strongly about again — to at least start the conversation even if i don’t have the words to talk back exactly to a poisonous idea — in kind, to pick up the thread if someone else does the same — tired of letting evil shit unfold —

#honestly this mostly only happens because of my disability which. i've been dreaming/reading about navigating that in ways feel better #or else because im scared of violence as a trans woman but i’m sick of fear of violence making me passive #rarely because i got scared in the crosshairs of financial insecurity and feared losing work #but that is what im parsing this time and very determined not to let that happen ever again #cuz like. having the supposed 'non-action' of passivity even available to you is a privilege of whiteness #in this case it was taking a creative-side gig on a play that felt very clear the playwright had given very little if any consideration #to nonwhite perspectives like clearly by a white person thinking about a white audience kinda liberal politics #and i took it bc my friend's mentor was directing and she put us in touch and spoke highly of him #and she's indigenous and very willing to call out white bullshit so i had some hope/trust that he would push it more #and he........ did at least cast a latino actor in the one role that would have made the play horrifically racist #if it had been cast as a white person but that felt like doing the absolute least to me #im still very much figuring this world out #understanding the ethics of theater work and im glad i did this in that regard #cuz like. i didn't fully realize that my only real chance to make a creative + ethical statement was right out the gate in accepting the gi #as an SM like... there's really no other chance to have an opinion so i should not take work if the script doesn't align w my ethics #and use that rejection as a chance to make it clear what's fucked up #...if i even ever SM again that was the most stressful gig i've ever done and i didn't even get paid for it. fuck #sorry for writing half the post in the tags. if ur reading this ur too close >O< jk haaiiii thx for reading my diary #very much a 'i am thinking through these concepts still and ur welcome to share ur thoughts on them' kinda post

[deus-ex-mona]

also!!!!!! there’s finally a way to read this guy’s name!!!!! vol 4 be w i n n i n g

#it looks like it’s read as ‘rippei’? i needa check a physical copy thoughhhh the ebook version is kinda blurred~~~~~~ #either that or my eyes just suck. or maybe it’s both~? #smcnjsjxhs i’m at the airport with half an hour till boarding and im trying to stay awake in a really comfy chair t h i s is su f f e r in g #speaking of the physical vol though… i gotta come up with a way to buy it without my family tagging along for the purchase </3 #i fear my reputation will n e v e r recover if they find out that i’m reallyyyyyy into moderately obscure 2d idols #anyways!!!! remind me to change my previous tl of this guy’s name when i get back in a week!!!! #i was close with my guess though (ryuhei) at least i got the fact that it’s his first name right!!!!! #it seems like it could’ve been read as both a first name and a last name mans… #in any case!!!!!!!! ngl but i really like how close the idols are to their managers in terakado agency~ they’re on first name terms and all! #wait. no. literally. both mona and minami use their real names as their stage names… and they call their managers by their first names too… #moebius could n e v e r lmfaooooooooooooooooooo #though ig ft4 would win the ‘performers who are closest to their manager’ competition if there ever were to be one #lxl would come in last for sure (they treat uchida purely professionally and all… and bully hiyoko (rip). so….) #then frusu would be next bc haseo only cares about miyu and no one else (rip asuna) #ig the terakado idols would be tied; since they both seem equally close to their respective managers…….. #and ofc ft4 is number one!!!!!!! bc said manager is actually part of their performing squad of bfs lmao #anyways wow ok my thoughts got ahead of me and there’s now 15 mins till boarding. stonks.

[steampoweredskeleton]

I feel like I'm at a point in mental health where CBT is no longer very helpful. Like I know what most of my problems are. I do things to challenge myself and challenge my way of thinking whenever I can. I actively make decisions and change my behaviour to ensure things don't get worse BC I know my symptoms and what can make them worse.

So now talking to this therapist doesn't help BC they just tell me what I already know. And give me tasks that I already know I need to do.

We had an interesting one today where she was like "you need to be able to identify your emotions" and I was like "yes, I know, I try to break them down based on physical response BC I can't really read my emotions" to which she said "you need to be able to identify them, and not concentrate on the physical response". We went in this cycle for a few minutes, after which she said "can you read other people's emotions?". I, stupidly thinking that maybe she was getting it that I am autistic (I know it's on my chart) and can't do that, told her no.

My homework for this week is to make note of how I emotionally feel, not physically, and try to pay attention to the emotions of those around me.

So that's great. At this point I just need someone to help me plan my week so I can function better and THAT shit isn't available on the NHS!

#delete later #endlessly frustrating #doing cbt whilst being autistic is half about trying to explain things without the therapist lookinh at you like you have #three heads. and half about being actively gaslit and just going along with whatever they say #i just. its wild #i thought ut would change now i have an actual diagnosis but like they dont seem to bother with it anyway so #rhey still rolled out the old #you have a fear of uncertainty. we will fix that #my first ever therapist did great on my ocd but went in hard on the fear of uncertainty and i just got so upset #that i couldnt seem to do anything about it. yeah thats bc its a seperate disability. i dont blame thst lady #neither of us knew i was autistic. she did pretty damn good #its just a nightmare that cbt is thr only thing the nhs offers. abd for max 10 sessions #nothing gets done. and i just feel like im wasting nhs money and time eveb though im doing the good thing abd trying to get #help. and theres no like support like i would actually need. most of my anxiety and overwhelm come from not being able to #disect what i need to do abd put it into a plan. if i had that i would function so much better #but i dont. i have a lady who relates everything to dieting and tells me the same five sekf care things over abd over #the one plus is that she validates that mu childhood was shit. so thats nice that i dont feel like i made it up

[somelazyassartist]

Oh also yeah I'm fine don't worry about that last vent post I just had a panic attack when the rollercoaster got stuck when I went with my sister lmao

I'm chill I rode on a carousel and then got to take a nap on the way home so I'm all good now

#also we know it had to be some kind of pause or malfunction or something #because we sat and watched people ride before and after and none of them had that huge pause we had #i was gonna be all good with it because i was like oh the big drop is the first thing so i can handle that at the start and enjoy the rest #and then we were stuck up there for like 3 minutes straight not going anywhere #that was like #half the time we were on the ride #it's the fastest coaster there (hence why i thought the drop would be over quick to enjoy the rest) #but nope! it got paused just to spite me and my crippling fear of being on a malfunctioning ride lmao #whatever happened got fixed i guess because once it started back up it was fine and they continued letting people on after #but it scared the absolute shit out of me at the time lmaooooo #okay listen. i love rollercoasters we already rode a few before this one so again it's not like i didn't think i couldn't handle it #it was specifically getting stuck that freaked me out because i had no idea what to do lol #three eyed cats in my living room #self portrait #uhhhhh. is there a tw i need to tag this as #i can't think of what it would be but if anyone needs this tagged feel free to let me know what you need it tagged with

[slicksquid]

going back to work is throwing a wrench in my plans of getting 1 mil ink on e-liter

#hmmm #the constant eight hour closing shifts kinda hurt #but I need the money #my biggest issue rn though is the free bakery items I get every night #I got some bagels #and I want to eat them #but I have to cut them in half #and last time I did that in December over the break from college #I SLICED THE SHIT OUT OF MY THUMB #I’m afraid to slice a bagel ever again #but they’re really good bagels #I thought I could overcome this fear but idk if I have the strength actually #like it was SO BAD I probably should have gotten it looked at by a doctor tbh #but luckily it wasn’t bad enough to need medical intervention I just covered it in a ton of bandaids and hoped it would be fine #and it was after a good month or so #there’s still a bit of a scar on my thumb lol