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orionsangel86 · 3 years

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SPN Conspiracies - Applying Logic to Chaos

Its been over 2 months now since the Supernatural finale aired. I am still so angry, hurt, and confused by it and I don’t think I will ever get closure unless someone like Andrew Dabb, or Jensen Ackles, actually opens up and gives us an explanation that makes sense.

What annoys me most right now is people trying to gaslight fans into believing that we should accept the narrative we have been given at face value: That the finale was always planned to be that way, that Destiel was never on the cards, that there was no Network interference, that the only changes made were due to covid and were minor at best.

This harmful gaslighting is FALSE.

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED.

Look, I don’t agree with some of the crazier conspiracy theories. I don’t believe that there was some huge campaign among the CW Network execs to remove anything remotely gay out of homophobia. I don’t believe that the finale was changed because of some desire to make it into a Walker promo. I don’t believe that the finale was really bad on purpose in protest by Dabb for not getting to do an ending he truly wanted. I don’t believe that Dabb left us smart fans a bunch of secret messages in the finale to hint that he was on our side all along and that everything was fake.

I do, however, believe that all of these conspiracy theories have some elements in them that are plausible. At least, more plausible than the bullshit narrative mentioned above that some people are pushing in some desperate attempt to defend the Network (which imo is really strange behaviour anyway - why would anyone care about a TV network with a history of terrible behaviour?!?)

We have facts, based on information provided before the covid lockdown, which for some reason, people like Misha have since backpeddled on. So let me try to outline some of the information that makes no sense.

Below the cut I go on a deep dive into the conspiracies and statements I have heard about the SPN finale and try to make some sense of this whole fucked up situation. It gets long.

1. “Cas was never gonna be in the finale”.

False: We have many fan accounts of Misha confirming that he was filming the finale. We have video evidence of Misha confirming he was going back to film the finale after the lockdown. We have confirmation from fans in Misha M&Gs from March that he had about 5 days of filming left.

We also had fan accounts of discussions with Alex Calvert (I think) where he confirmed the final shot of the final episode was all four of them though I would LOVE if someone can find a source for this.

2. Okay, Misha was gonna be in the finale, but only as Jimmy Novak

False: I heavily side eyed Misha when he said this. But I think I can come up with a plausible explanation for it. Per above, Misha was supposed to film for 5 days. This does not align with the half a day he described of filming as Jimmy Novak. My own belief is that after Cas was cut from the finale (for whatever reason we don’t know) someone (probably Jensen Ackles) put up a fight and complained that Misha should be there for the final episode. The writers probably tried to come up with a way to bring Misha back without having to deal with Cas, and pitched the idea of Jimmy Novak being in Heaven. Misha, obviously annoyed about this, turned this stupid pitch down.

3. Destiel was never a thing, never planned, never part of Dabb’s ending. Bobo and Misha pushing the confession was the part of the season that was Wrong.

False: We have a SPN writer on record saying that Castiel’s confession was the first thing written for Season 15 when the writers returned to the writers room. If it wasn’t planned, why was it the first thing written, why does it align so well with the rest of season 15? Look I know some people either a. hate destiel and refuse to see it even if it slaps them in the face, or b. have major heteronormative goggles on, or c. are just homophobes in denial, but 15x18 fits in perfectly with the narrative of season 15. Everything Cas says, everything that happened in that scene was so in character it just works. It fit. If you just rewatch the season whilst applying some critical thinking skills and pay attention to the narrative and character arcs, trust me, the confession fits in with pretty much every other plot point, and character story in the season.

Also: We have known for a while that the network did market research into Destiel, wanting to know if it would go down well or not. They were well aware of its popularity and considering it. Where would this have come from if not pitched by the showrunner? Dabb must have at least been considering it. If you take all of Dabb era into consideration, starting with mid season 11, all the way through the season 12 build up, season 13 grief arc, and then Bobo’s Destiel break up arc in late season 14, early season 15, it is clear that there was some toing and froing on the issue of Destiel, but ultimately, I still believe that Dabb was on board. He wrote 13x01 for christs sake. No way he wasn’t taking it seriously.

4. It’s always been about the brothers. The finale just stays true to what Supernatural is all about.

*rubs temples* Fundamentally FALSE: The show has time and again reasserted the message of “Family don’t end with blood”, as well as the messages of AKF and YANA. Sam and Dean may be at the heart of the show, but a heart can’t exist without a body to support it. Without bones, and lungs, and blood, and muscles, and a BRAIN. The finale abandons the shows core messages. It forces the characters back into their season 1 characterisations and the whole thing becomes hollow and souless. But I’m not here to complain, I’m here to lay down the facts. Dean’s heaven was supposed to be surrounded by loved ones right? We know OG Charlie Bradbury was gonna be in his Heaven, we also know CAS was gonna be in there. So this idea that the finale as it currently stands was how it was meant to be is wrong. Dean was supposed to die and reunite with his found family and loved ones. This alone would have been a far better ending than the one given. Do I think this was solely a covid issue? Fuck no.

The randoms that WERE in the finale are proof alone that they could have got people in and quarantined. We also have several actors on record saying that they WOULD have quarantined for the finale had they been asked to return but they WEREN’T.

Lies have been told. Samantha Ferris and Chad Limberg have confirmed that we have been lied to about the original plans for the finale.

This alone is proof enough that there is more plausibility in some of the conspiracy theories than any bullshit narrative some people are pushing in defence of the barbaric mess of a finale we were given.

So lets address some of the conspiracy theories now:

Conspiracy No.1: The CW Network reviewed Supernatural during the covid break, and due to homophobia, refused any Destiel arc that wasn’t already filmed, shut down any potential reciprocation from Dean, and forced Dabb to change his finale.

I don’t think this is entirely what happened. But I do think it is very strange how there is a such a huge disconnect particularly in Dean’s characterisations between what had come before the lockdown, and what came after. The one fact we have here, and please someone provide a source if you can find it because I know there is one, the finale script was still going through changes up to only 2 weeks before it was filmed. We know that there was some weird editing in 15x18 (which was still in post and uncompleted before lockdown) and we know from Jensen’s own mouth that there was more to the confession scene on Dean’s side that was cut. We also know that this isn’t the first time that Destiel heavy moments have been changed in post - the prayer scene is another big scene that went through a lot of changes and Bobo fought to have his script play out the way he wanted it.

There are certain things that in my own opinions, are basically true of SPN which I have put together from years of keeping one eye on the writers room, the network, and all the various comments made. My opinion is this:

The writers room has always been split on Destiel. Some writers heavily supported making it canon, others did not care, or were against it.

The Network considered it over the course of several years, did market research, green lit it, then changed their minds, possibly several times over the course of Dabb’s era. Destiel was pitched to the Network early in Dabb era.

The crew on set were also split. Some people heavily supported it, and worked to assist the reading, whereas others did not care/did not support it. The same can be said for the editing room.

Bob Singer supported the subtextual homoeroticism, but never supported bringing it into text (this is an opinion, but I think it aligns with everything we know about him.) IMO Bob Singer also supported subtextual homoeroticism between Sam and Dean - the guy is gross is what I’m saying. He isn’t exactly a progressive person.

Fun fact - a while back our old enemy Sera Gamble went on a Twitter rant about writers rooms and the ways a script goes through changes. I don’t think this was in relation to the SPN finale wank but she basically inadvertantly confirmed that the Network can step in and make sweeping changes to a script if they want to and if they decide they don’t like the direction of a story. Sera Gamble confirmed this as a fact.

Now. I’m not saying that this is what the CW did with Destiel. I just think its very strange how pre lockdown, the last thing filmed is a heartfelt homosexual declaration of love between Dean and Cas, and we have a finale script that Misha had not seen, but knew that he was meant to film as Castiel for 5 days (5 days on set is over half of an episode as far as I know). Then all of a sudden, Covid happens, and Cas is cut from the finale completely, a desperate attempt to bring Misha back only as Jimmy Novak takes place, which Misha rightly refuses, leading to a finale which makes zero sense narratively and appears in every way completely and utterly butchered.

The only explanation provided by anyone involved is that Covid meant changes had to happen - but that covid didn’t change the actual story at all.

But this makes no sense because we know that Cas was cut from the finale. This is FACT. Do not let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise. Misha was preparing to quaranting to return to set as Cas post Covid, so whatever happened to cut Cas from the finale, it wasn’t Covid.

I’m gonna have to Occum’s Razor this and say that the most logical explanation here is the one that is most likely true. Someone got cold feet with the Destiel story, and to prevent any possible interpretation that included Dean reciprocating, any hints of Destiel were removed from the finale script, including Castiel’s whole appearance.

Now, this isn’t me saying I think that Dabb’s original finale was full of Destiel love confessions and a homosexual kiss or whatever, but I am asking you all to really think about it and ask yourselves WHY Cas would have been totally cut from an episode he was supposed to be in at LEAST half of?

We will probably never know the real reason Cas was cut, but he WAS cut. I’m not saying it was all homophobia, but some fuckery went down.

Conspiracy No. 2: The CW Network changed the finale to make it into a Walker promo because they only cared about raising up Jared and not Jensen and Misha as they were losing them anyway.

I don’t agree with this in terms of the finale being butchered solely to make it into a Walker promo. There are however moments in the finale that are clearly supposed to be Walker Easter Eggs and added to excite fans of Jared/Sam in particular such as Sam’s gratuitous and unnecessary topless scene, as well as the call on the “case in Austin”.

I will take this moment to say something pretty damn controversial though.

*Deep breath*

The fact is, Dean Winchester has been the “lead” character of Supernatural’s narrative for years now, with Sam often being sidelined and not given great storylines himself. Even in Season 15, right up until the finale, I myself felt bad for Sam sometimes because so much of this show has become all about Dean. Jensen Ackles is clearly the better actor when it comes to emotional story arcs, so the emotional heart of the story has most often leant on him.

So you can understand my confusion, when this is turned on its head in the final episode, to make Sam carry all the emotional weight, and have the most lines/screentime, and story resolution (even if his story resolution was just as crappy as Dean’s).

If we pretend that Destiel is not a thing, and ignore Cas’s confession, the story change in the finale from Dean focus to Sam focus is still rather suspicious. Again, I’m not saying I completely approve of or agree to the conspiracy theory that Walker influenced the butchering of the script, but I can believe that perhaps a note went down from the CW to someone like Bob Singer, to emphasise Sam/Jared more than they perhaps would normally, because the CW wanted to shine the spotlight on Jared to raise excitement for Walker.

I can also believe this note might have said something like “we wanna cater to fans of Sam/Jared the most - don’t do anything to piss them off.” but now I am getting into my own conspiracy theories so by all means dismiss this as me being bitter.

Conspiracy No.3: Dabb purposely made it bad, as a secret message to Destiel fans that he had been silenced, by layering meta clues into the episode that he knew fans would notice.

I doubt this one is true. Though some of the theories are quite compelling. The old vampire silent movie theory for instance starts off quite well, but loses me the moment it brings up Urban Dictionary slang.

Sometimes I have just had to accept that Supernatural is a bad show that is sometimes accidentally a masterpiece. However, some writers really did go That Deep with their stories - anything by Ben Edlund or Steve Yockey for instance, their episodes are meta masterpieces with a hundred different layers of beautiful subtextual storytelling and are a joy to analyse. Bobo Berens has certainly done some A+++ work especially now we KNOW that he was working hard all this time to bring Destiel to canon text (so any analysis of Destiel in the subtext in his episodes is very accurate). There have been many other key elements analysed over the years which have been confirmed true. Cas’s death in Season 12, Dean’s time as a demon in season 10, Season 11 ending in unity of dark and light, these were all plot points predicted by meta writers just by analysing the narrative. Sometimes the writers really have been very smart and they do add things to the show to aid us in our meta.

Richard Speight Jr for instance, confirmed that SPN has a visual library that the production team use to give clues and hints in the narrative. Pizza, for example, always means a lie has been told. Whenever Pizza is being eaten or even just mentioned on screen, there is dishonesty in that particular moment.

The beers also have a very specific message and the one thing I can’t let go about the finale, was that Dean was drinking El Sol beer. The beer his dad gave him, that was terrible.

El Sol has been used in the show to indicate something being wrong, a fake reality, or another lie, for the longest time. It is the beer of deception.

The fact that in the final episode of this entire show, Dean is in Heaven, supposedly at peace, and then he gets handed an El Sol beer to drink? Thats a HUGE red flag for any meta writer watching who can read SPNs visual library.

If they had given him the Margiekugel beer of family then it would make sense. Dean is in Heaven, with Bobby, his family, at peace. Margiekugel should have been the beer of choice. But nope. El Sol. Something is wrong.

I don’t know if it was Dabb, or Singer, or some disgruntled ADs and crew members who added these elements into the finale, but their very presence confirms some message of Wrongness.

I could go into a huge rant about Vampire Mimes not making sense and the very glaringly obvious symbolism of cutting out peoples tongues too, but that is high school level film analysis. It’s obvious. It means to silence someone. There is validity in interpreting this as Dabb saying he was silenced. I don’t know how true it is, but i can’t 100% dismiss it, because as I said, this is high school analysis levels of obvious subtextual storytelling.

So in summary, whilst I don’t think that Dabb intentionally went out of his way to sabotage his own script, and leave a breadtrail of secret messages for savvy fans to put together to confirm that he was silenced by an evil network into not getting what he wanted... I do think that there is validity in questioning these odd choices for the finale. Cutting out tongues? Vampire Mimes? El Sol beer?

The evidence is somewhat compelling is all I’m saying. I don’t believe the full conspiracy theories, but as I have said many times before, some fuckery went down.

So What Do I Believe?

That some fuckery went down and whatever company line they are pushing is bullshit.

I believe that the original script included Cas (since thats fact). I believe that the original script probably always had Dean dying on a vampire hunt (due to Jensen’s issues with it and in particular, his sarcastic comments about vampires in the past year or so which in hindsight are hilarious and prove he never really came to terms with Dean’s idiotic death). I believe Dabb’s original script was some less crappy version of what we got, which potentially included showing Jack rescuing Cas from the Empty and resolving the outstanding Empty plot points (potentially this was actually a 15x19 plot since Mark P commented that his final scenes were supposed to be with Jack and Cas), had Cas reunite with Dean in Heaven and had them have a discussion about Cas’s confession. I believe that there was probably a lot of back and forth over how to handle that with some people wanting Dean to obviously reciprocate and others believing they should keep it ambiguous. I believe that Dean and Cas would have reunited with Charlie Bradbury, and Bobby Singer, and possibly others (though if this was the case it must have been very early on since no one ever looped in Sam Ferris, Chad Linberg or any other Roadhouse people).

I believe that Sam’s ending probably didn’t change much, but I do feel that initially they were planning on him ending up with Eileen, because it is the only thing that narratively makes sense. Cutting Eileen and giving him a blurry wife is something I won’t ever understand and Jared’s bullshit explanations are quite clearly pulled out of his ass to appease bronly types. I believe the reunion on the bridge would have included Cas and Jack, with a final shot of all four of them together, at peace (as this aligns with Alex’s comments from around a year or so ago that the final shot was all four of them). (I also am not sure it was always supposed to be on a bridge since the foreshadowing in an earlier episode showed Dean, Cas and Sam all in the Roadhouse together).

I believe that script went through countless changes and redrafts, and not even production people or the types that some fandom people claim as their “sources” would even have seen those early scripts, since even Misha never saw it. I believe that these rumours of Dabb never having Cas in his finale and ignoring all Destiel elements likely come from people who only saw later versions, weren’t party to network discussions and felt bitter about the final scripts they did see (being the crappy butchered one that was ultimately filmed). Those “sources” are now spreading rumours to discredit Dabb.

I obviously believe Dabb is a weak ass pushover who either didn’t care enough to fight back, or gave up since he’s been stuck with fucking Bob Singer on his back for years, but I will NEVER believe he didn’t care about the DeanCas love story, because he has been one of the few writers who has championed for it for years. You can’t look back at Dabb’s episodes in earlier seasons and claim he didn’t care. Dabb was a writer whose creative ideas were beaten out of him by an unforgiving Network only concerned about where their future money was coming from. Do I think he gave up too easily? Yes. But I also have one other huge reason for not believing the bullshit about Dabb being this anti-Destiel villain.

Bobo. Because if Bobo truly believed Dabb was gonna fuck that up at the end, I don’t think he would have given us Cas’s love confession to begin with. If he had known it was gonna end like that, I think he would have reconsidered, because had Cas not confessed his love, I don’t think he would have been cut from the finale. Bobo - a gay man, would not have wanted such a horrible message for queer fans being put across in the show he worked so hard on. He started writing that confession scene the day they returned to the writers room. Dabb would have been there, would have seen what he was writing, probably discussed it with him, after all, other episodes were written with the confession in mind. No way was Dabb planning to fuck up the ending knowing what Bobo was giving us. Nope.

Something went very wrong over lockdown. Someone, somewhere up the chain of power caught wind of the confession scene in 15x18, realised that it demanded a resolution which would make Dean Winchester, their protagonist, queer, and pulled the plug. I believe this did not come from a place of homophobia, but of bad business sense.

The CW is constantly trying to win the approval and attention of the one demo group that they seem to fail at getting the most: young straight men. Supernatural was one of their only remaining shows that appeals to young straight men, and Dean Winchester is more often than not the fave character of those young straight men who project onto him. Making Dean Winchester, established Han Solo of Supernatural, queer and in love with his best friend in the finale would have come across as a betrayal to those young straight men. The CW probably feared they would lose that demo group for good, and with a show like Walker starting soon with Jared at the helm, they couldn’t take the risk.

Hence there was probably a whole bunch of back and forth script redrafts with the Network, with Dabb and Singer fighting to make a finale that would appeal to everyone. There was most likely no way that they could bring Cas back without addressing what had already been filmed, because any resolution of that plot would either a. make Dean queer, or b. address it awkwardly by having Dean reject Cas (this storyline would probably have been slammed by critics worse than the finale because it meant addressing it. It might have got the attention of LGBTQ activist groups and caused a bigger shitstorm than what we got). The best option was therefore C. Bury it and Cas, pretend it never happened. Never address it again and distract Dean with other things. Hope that Destiel fans will accept no answer from Dean as ambiguous enough to imagine a future reunion rather than shutting it down with a rejection, and still keep hold of the blissfully ignorant heteronormative straight boys so they can carry over to Walker when it starts.

I also believe (controversially probably) that there was concern that any resolution of Dean and Cas would have overshadowed network darling Jared Padalecki. If Dean and Cas had come together in the finale, with a very clearly textual homosexual reunion, then that would have been all anyone talked about. The reviewers, the critics, the audience, everyone. It would have been nothing but Dean and Cas (and look, if they did think this, they were right, Destiel trending over the US ELECTION.)

So what is the network to do, when they are losing the two stars who would get the most attention from this storyline? The one star they were holding on to and getting his own show, relegated to third place in the finale of the show where he was first on the call sheet? Nope. That’s pretty unacceptable. Even without Walker I can imagine people at all levels side eyeing the Destiel thing over the years. This IS a show about two brothers, and their relationship should be the core relationship, we can’t have one brother pushed aside in the finale to make way for a queer relationship that will get all the attention instead. It was never gonna get approved for this reason ALONE.

At the end of the day, if I look at it from a business perspective, it makes far more sense that the CW shut down Destiel, rather than “oh Dabb never cared and ruined it because he’s an idiot.” The writers cared, and had built on that story over years. But their mistake was leaving any Destiel resolution to the finale. If they had instead gone and got Dean and Cas together in early season 15, then they could have ended it in a way that satisfied everyone. Destiel wouldn’t have threatened pulling focus away from Sam and Dean, and the show could have gone out on a high.

When I lay out all the conspiracy theories, and line them up next to the cold hard facts, the conspiracy theories in some way or another, make more sense. To believe the company line, the narrative we have been fed, is to ignore your own eyes, ears, and memories pre March 2020.

All I’m asking people to do is take a look at the show, the narrative presented in the show, and the information presented above. I’m not telling you to believe what I’ve written here, half of which is just my own opinion. I’m asking you to ask yourselves if it makes sense to you. Because it sure as hell doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied.

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billyrussohaven · 3 years

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My sweet Emilly

Billy Russo / Reader

Rated: PG (for now)

A/N: So I’m feverish and been feeling like absolute rubbish since getting my 2nd covid shot last Thursday. I can’t sleep and my brain came up with a cute Dad!Billy story. I might do a second part if you guys like it, we shall see!

Credit: @mainlysubmv

Follow me!

“Just where do you think you’re going dressed like that exactly?” Billy asked his daughter sternly, looking up at her over his glasses. Glasses that he was still getting used to by the way. You kept telling him he looked like a hotter version of Clark Kent but it still seemed to hurt his pride. Billy Russo needing glasses, insane right? What was even more insane was just how much his sweet Emily looked all grown up these days. Her seventeen birthday last month had hit him like a train. He stared at her and let a long sigh out.

Emily reappeared, taking a few steps backwards, tugging down on her green hoodie dress and rolled her shoulder nervously the doorway of the living room. A little nervous gesture she shared with her father that always made you smile.

“It ain’t that bad Billy,” you said looking up from your crochet project on your lap to his daughter’s outfit, your step-daughter.

“It is on the short side but she’s smart and careful, isn’t that right, Millie?” You said, giving her a quick look with a wink.

She grinned back at you before turning to look at her dad.

“It’s still warm out Da…and I have a pair of leggings if it gets colder later,” she said, opening up her backpack and showing him a black pair of leggings, smiling back at him. He snorted at her innocent-like face, he knew better, she was after all his own daughter.

“Fine. No heels. Wear those ridiculously worn-out converse of yours,” he said letting it go and dismissing her with a smirk. She zipped her bag up and ran to give her dad a quick kiss on the cheek. She was out of the room as fast as she entered it.

“Back at midnight! I’ll be with Devin!” Emily said loudly already halfway to the front door.

“11PM!” Billy yelled right as the front door closed with a loud thud. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Wait, who? The fuck’s Devin? Wasn’t it that Jay-” he said with a deep frown turning to look at you.

“Jeremy,” you corrected him going back to your crocheting.

“Jeremy…last week?” He continued giving you a stern look for correcting him that made you chuckle. He rolled his eyes heavenward, taking his glasses off and rubbed his tired face with a groan. You reached to caress his soft hair and smiled. You didn’t comment, you knew he could be a bit overprotective of his Emily sometimes but dads were often that way with their daughters. It reminded you of your own dad and the shit you did in your youth. It was a wonder he still had some hair left…

*****

Billy woke up abruptly and sat up yawning, looking at the alarm clock on his nightstand next to the still turned on lamp.

1:25AM

He had fallen asleep in bed reading while waiting for Millie to come home. He turned his sleepy face to you sleeping soundly next to him. He smiled gazing at your serene face and caressed the side of your face softly. He heard a loud thud. He frowned and turned around instantly to the door, listening intently. He quietly got out of the bed, tiptoeing to the door, silent as a cat.

“Ow!” a hushed voice said after another loud thud. Billy yanked the bedroom door open and walked face to face with his daughter. His daughter who definitely wasn’t in her pajamas, dressed exactly the same as earlier and who reeked of alcohol and cigarettes.

She looked up at her dad glaring at her with disappointment etched all over his face. Her dark brown eyes filled with tears and hurt behind her drunken state. She broke down in sobs and hid her face in her hands. Billy’s heart broke at seeing her cry like that. He was very angry and disappointed at her for coming back home so late and drunk on top of it. He sighed and walked to embrace her tightly as she cried. She held him tightly, her warm tears running down his chest. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back.

“You know better than that, Millie. Walkin’ home drunk instead of calling me or Y/N,” he said softly yet sternly. He cradled her head in his hand and moved to look at her tear stained face. Her chest was racking with sobs and her lower lip was quivering as she looked up at him. He had a feeling she wasn’t crying only because he caught her drunk and way past her 11PM curfew.

“What happened? Talk to me princess,” he asked with a sad frown, brushing her hair back from her face. She broke down into even louder wails and he had to hold part of her weight to help her stay upright.

You put your mid-thigh satin robe on and walked to see what was going on. The light of the bedroom pooled in the darkened hallway as you opened the door wider and you gave Billy a sad smile. The poor thing was so upset and in no state to think clearly. You took a few steps and rubbed her back.

“It’s okay princess, why don’t Y/N help you get ready for bed and we can talk tomorrow,” he said, giving Emily a concerned look. She nodded as he rubbed her tears away with his thumbs. He gave her a kiss on her forehead and let you take her to her bedroom. You grabbed his hand on the way and gave it a squeeze before letting go.

You walked a wobbly and sniffly Emily to her bedroom where she flopped and sat down on the edge of her bed dropping her bag with a loud thud. You walked to her own connecting bathroom from her bedroom and grabbed a small square towel. You ran it under the cool water and wrung it. You took a bottle of tylenol knowing she was gonna need it in the morning and a tall glass of water too.

You walked back to Millie who was undressing and putting on her pajamas. You were somewhat impressed she didn’t fall on her butt taking her leggings off before stepping into her pajamas shorts.

“Here, drink this you’ll feel better,” you said softly, handing her the glass of water. She nodded and drank half of it before putting it down on her nightstand next to the two Tylenol for tomorrow morning. You rubbed the cool wet cloth on her forehead and neck and she sighed before letting another sob out.

“I’m-I’m sorry I woke you up. I didn’t mean to get home alone so late…Da looked so upset,” she said, hugging you and cried on your shoulder. You hushed her soothingly and rocked her a bit, hugging her back.

“He still loves you, Millie. He’s just disappointed you came home so late and in a very vulnerable state I might add. Now, I’m not gonna scold you, it’s not my place but something could have happened to you baby,” you said brushing her hair back.

“We much rather have you wake us up late to pick you up than having you stumble drunkenly home alone. What happened? I thought you were hanging out with Devin?” You asked, helping her get in bed. She started crying again at the name and you knew right away the poor girl was heartbroken.

“W-we went to this party together a-and it was really fun. Everything was great, we’re great friends and I love when Devin’s around, you know?” She mumbled, looking at you with her father’s dark brown eyes filled with hurt.

“B-but we drank and I-I I thought Devin liked me a lot too and we kissed but-” She didn’t have to finish her sentence, you knew. You sighed and cradled her small frame in your arms.

“She abruptly stepped back, pushing me away a-and calling me names and stuff. S-she left a-and I didn’t have money for a cab because I paid the fare to get there. She was supposed to pay the cab fare back a-and then I didn’t want to call Da and have him angry at me.” She said, wiping her wet face in her pillow. You nodded, brushing her soft hair soothingly.

“Get some good sleep now, we’ll talk more tomorrow, alright? You suggested standing up and tucked her in. She nodded with a sniffle and closed her eyes.

"Thank you Y/N…Nini,” she said softly, watching you walk away to the door. You turned and gave her a warm smile,

“Anytime Millie. Good night sweetheart,” you said before flipping the light switch off and closing her bedroom door.

You tiptoed out of her bedroom and back to your own where Billy was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for you. He looked up at you, his face conflicted and tired.

“How is she?” He asked standing up to give you a tight embrace. He really appreciated how you were with Emily, the special bond you had developed with her. It made him love you even more as he kissed your head.

“She’s young, in love and broken-hearted I’m afraid,” you said with a long sigh, resting your head on his chest. You gave him a brief summary of what she had told you. You felt a bit guilty at reporting it all back to Billy but he’d probably know sooner or later too.

“I’m gonna beat the shit out of him when I find him,” he snarled pacing in front of you. He brushed his hair back and thought about the best way to throttle the asshole.

“Devin is a girl, Billy.” You said with a small smile, wondering what his reaction was gonna be.

He stopped pacing abruptly and his eyebrows shot upwards as he looked back at you dumbstruck.

“Oh! Oh,” he said, rolling his shoulders and clearing his throat. You looked back at him with one eyebrow up wondering what was going on in his head at the moment.

“Well, I guess I won’t…punch the brat then,” he said somewhat sheepishly and a bit confused. Not that it mattered to Billy if his little Millie liked guys or girls. It’s just…

“She never really talked about it. She always showed up with boyfriends before so I guess I just…took it for granted really,” he said with a frown sitting by the bed. After a long silence he looked up at you with a vulnerability that broke your heart to see.

“Am I a bad father for it?” He asked, his voice wavering slightly, he cleared his throat and rolled his shoulder, looking at the picture frame of her on his nightstand.

You took your robe off and stood in front of him between his legs. You cradled the side of his face and tilted it up so he’d look at you.

“No, Billy. It doesn’t make you a bad father, baby,” you brushed a strand of hair away from his eye.

“I guess you two just never really brought it up. I remember when I was seventeen myself, a young woman still in high-school, afraid of being bullied for being any kind of different,” you said with a sigh, remembering how cruel high-school was.

Billy scoffed and sneered at his own memories of it. Lonely guy from the group home with no family or friends beside small pets he’d keep in jars. He smiled warmly with a silent snort remembering how Emily had her own pet snail for a while and how much she took care of the little one.

“She might still be figuring herself out too,” you added with a shrug.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to her tomorrow anyway, maybe she’ll want to open up and chat about all of this,” he said, rubbing his tired face with his hands. You kissed him slowly before breaking the kiss and crawling back in bed in your short satin nightie. He groaned looking back at you, suddenly very awake for almost 3AM. He rolled over on the bed and pulled you flat against his body with a sly smirk. You chuckled at the attention he gave you and kissed him languidly with a moan.

“I’m still gonna scold her ass,” he mumbled over your lips, reaching over you and turning off the light.

A/N: Random Fact. My fiancé’s name is Devin. I remembered him telling me he had a girl classmate once in school named Devin. 😋

#Billy Russo #Billy Russo Imagine #Billy Russo Fanfiction #Billy Russo Fanfics #dad!billy #billy russo x reader #billy russo x you #billy russo/reader #billy russo/you

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lemonlushff-iy · 3 years

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(Lostinfantasyworlds here!)

I’d love to hear more about Mad Scientist please!! 🥰👀

AHHHHHH THANKS FOR ASKING @taryn-artistic-optimism 🥰 🥰 🥰

This was inspired by @clearwillow and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and COVID. Because most things in my life are inspired by @clearwillow. Specifically Strange...which everyone should TOTALLY check out! With her permission though, I followed the urge for an evening to see what happened.

I started this...I think last year. I can’t recall anymore because...what is time?? Anyways! It’s a modern take on the classic... And...Here’s the first highly unedited chapter. Sometimes I need to just...write the first chapter so I can refocus on the babies that are already “out”.

List of WIPs HERE

“Your request to move forward with human trials has been denied.”

“Denied.”

Denied.

The word swirled around his brain like the steam in the shower, flooding his senses and clogging his brain. It kept repeating itself over and over and over and over again…He was sick of it. This wasn’t the first time. Hell, it wasn’t even the second.

No.

This was the third time, and he was running out of funding...but what the hell was he supposed to do? He wasn’t approved to take his project to the next level! And it was absurd! They needed to begin testing immediately.

They just…

They had to.

Inuyasha closed his eyes, allowing the nearly scalding water to run down his body as the spray of the shower coated his flesh. He liked it hot. He hoped it would wash the feeling of failure from him.

Denied.

Bunch of pricks. The whole lot of them.

He turned the knobs, the metal squeaking as he stopped the flow of water from the head above, and wrang the excess out of his long black hair. He watched it pour to the tile below his feet as he opened the glass door, grabbing the towel on the hook just outside the shower.

Denied.

Maybe...maybe he shouldn’t try a fourth time. Maybe he needed to refocus his attention. Give up the lab and start teaching.

What was the saying?

Those who can’t do, teach?

He didn’t feel like he could do, that was for certain.

He sighed, stepping out of the shower and smoothing a hand across the glass of the mirror above the sink.

Denied.

Sunken, taupe eyes stared hollowly back at him. Frown lines marred his forehead. Stress was etched across his face. A face that should be more vibrant. Excited. Determined. It sure as hell used to be. What had happened to him?

Denied.

He smiled sullenly at the face in the mirror, and the expression was returned to him.

Denied.

He should update his resume. Start applying for teaching jobs. He was a waste. All those years of schooling...all those years in the lab...What was it even for? He had nothing to show for it.

He closed his eyes and the image of his lab partner floated past his mind’s eye.

Kagome Higurashi. Smart. Funny. Sexy. Completely out of his league, and yet inexplicably single. He just didn’t get it. The woman was perfect. More than perfect. She was…

If Goddesses were real, she may as well be one.

She was the reason he got out of bed in the morning. Her unflinching determination to get the serum to work. Her unshakable confidence. Her and...Well...The obvious.

He ran his hand down face, trying to not think of his mother right now. He had been dodging her calls all day. Which, with as perceptive as she was, meant that she already knew.

Denied.

His hand fell to the edge of the sink and he gripped it between his fists, his knuckles turning white. What was he going to tell her? He’d been so sure that they would be approved. He’d been ready to spend the night with Kagome at a sushi place eating dragon rolls and throwing back sake. Now he was...sullenly eating take out and trying to swallow his egg rolls around a thick throat.

Denied.

He was a failure.

He couldn’t get their approval and now because of it, his mother…

Denied.

He wasn’t ready.

He wasn’t ready!

Denied.

He didn’t know what else they could do! Kagome had suggested morphing the protein a little more. Just a bit more, and they would be good to go. They could proceed with the H4NY0U drug, and then they could…

He pinched his eyes shut - his breath hitching in his throat.

That wasn’t going to happen because he was a fucking failure. He didn’t care what she said. They’d never move forward with it. And it was because the head of the board had a grudge against him.

____. Fucking asswhipe. He’d hated them since the first grade. How he’d gotten to be the head, he’d never understand. He wasn’t smart. Wasn’t talented. He suspected that the only reason he was interested in this particular project was because of Kagome.

Sweet, beautiful, smart Kagome…

He sighed and backed away from the sink, pulling the towel from around his waist and rubbing his hair in it.

Denied.

He tossed it to the floor as he heard the vibrating of his phone from the other side of the room. When he got to it, he saw the litany of missed calls, including this one. All were from his mother, and Kagome. He couldn’t bring himself to call either of them though. He couldn’t handle the disappointment in his mother’s weak voice...or the overly enthusiastic optimism from Kagome.

He just couldn’t handle that right now.

Denied.

His phone clamored down to the top of his night stand, breaking the otherwise crypt like silence in his bedroom.

He believed in what he was doing with Kagome. So much. He believed in their mission. In what the H4NY0U serum could do for the weak. Those dying from Y0UK4I virus. Those like…

His mother.

He pinched his eyes shut and rubbed his fingers in the corners of his eyes, trying to dispel the negative thoughts, but it wasn’t working. He was spiraling again. Thoughts of “how could he let her down” and “failure” were flooding his mind and his chest. He could feel the painful throbbing of his heart with every beat as he tried to pull himself out of it but it was just getting worse.

He was killing his mother by not being able to convince them to move forward.

Denied.

She would be dead within the year.

Denied.

He had promised her he’d help her.

Denied.

Was this helping her?

Denied.

Was failure helping her?

Denied.

No. It wasn’t.

Denied.

He was killing her. Just like the Y0UK4I virus.

Denied.

But there was nothing wrong with the serum!

Denied.

He believed that! He believed that to his very core!

Denied.

Hell, he’d take it if he could!

Denied.

He would!

Denied.

He’d march right into that lab…

Denied.

Pick up a bottle…

Denied.

And give himself a dose.

Denied.

His face went slack as the idea permeated his being. Take the serum himself.

Take it. Himself.

He hadn’t considered that before. It’d never really occurred to him to use himself as the test subject. But...Why the hell not? No, he didn’t have the Y0UK4I virus...but...also...The serum did so much more than cure it. So why couldn’t he take it? Why couldn’t he get stronger? Why couldn’t he improve his overall health with it?

Denied.

That was just a word. That wasn’t his fate. He wasn’t going to let that lone word control himself, or his destiny, or Kagome’s, or his mother’s.

Denied.

No. He wasn’t going to let that stop him. He believed in their work. Believed in the serum.

Denied?

No.

Accepted.

***

The glass doors of the lab closed nearly silently behind him as he entered. It might have been nearing midnight, but so what? He wasn’t giving himself a chance to second guess this. He believed in this. In them. This was how he was going to prove it.

Inuyasha set up his cell phone on top of the desk, turning it on to record.

“Day 0 of the H4NY0U trial,” he began, looking at his visage in the glass screen of his cell phone. “Doctor Kagome Higurashi and I were once again denied moving into clinical trials of our serum. Something that I, strongly believe, is a mistake. I’m not going to wait for the board to continue to deny us our research though,” he explained, noticing the tick in his left jaw muscle from clenching it so hard.

“I’m going to volunteer myself as a willing subject, just as Alexander Fleming did when he discovered penicillin. I believe just that strongly in the H4NY0U serum. I’m of sound mind, and perfect health. There are no blemishes or rashes on my skin. I’m not currently experiencing any aches or pains. I’m going to move forward with injecting the serum into my right forearm, as I am right handed.”

He quickly stood from the desk and opened the refrigerator in the back, grabbing a syringe and alcohol swab as he returned to his place in front of the camera. He held the materials out in front of the camera, making sure it focused on the serial number on the bottle before he read it aloud.

Inuyasha glanced down at the camera, giving it a small smile as he removed the syringe from it’s plastic packaging, sticking the tip of the needle into the top of the bottle. He read out the exact amount he was drawing, and took an alcohol pad to wipe down and cleanse a part of his skin.

“This is for you, Ma,” he muttered as he placed the tip of the needle on his skin, closing his eyes.

He wasn’t going to turn back.

He couldn’t.

He couldn’t let her die. Couldn’t let years of research be for nothing.

He pressed the down on the plunger, and felt the cold liquid shoot into his veins.

It was done.

***

“What do you mean you took the serum, Yash?” Kagome demanded, looking at the place he had injected himself in disbelief. His skin was a little red - a little irritated. But wasn’t anything major. It certainly wasn’t worth her fussing over it.

“I mean I took it,” he shrugged, taking his arm back and hiding it behind his back. “It’s ready. We know it’s ready.”

“But the board--”

“--the board was never going to approve it. You and I both know that now, Kags,” he sighed, unable to bring himself to look her in the eye. “I thought you believed in this…”

“I do,” she insisted. “I’m just...They denied it for a reason…”

“Did they?” he demanded, and he watched her shift her gaze away from him. She doubted it too. He could see it. Clear as day. She thought that they were full of shit too.

Good.

It wasn’t just him.

“I’ll be ok, Kagome,” he promised, smiling weakly at her. “Trust me. Trust us,” he insisted, taking her hands in his. Her skin felt so soft…

“Trust us, huh?” she breathed, glancing from their hands back up to his face. “I think I can do that…”

***

He felt hot.

More than hot.

His whole body was on fire. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think.

It was like he was being suffocated as searing pain shot through every joint - every limb - in his whole body. He tumbled out of bed, trying to get to the bathroom.

He needed to cool off. Needed water. Needed air.

He shoved his boxers down his scrawny legs, turning the shower on as cold as it could get. His flat chest was coated in a sheen of sweat - as were his thin, wiry arms. He pushed his way into the shower, allowing the cold spray to cool his body. The cold felt good. Calming. For a time. He could feel his muscles contracting beneath his skin. Could feel something happening to his bones. His eyes. His smell. It was overpowering him.

Can’t think.

Can’t breathe.

Can’t…

Darkness.

***

His teeth were chattering when he awoke. His jaw ached from clenching it so tightly. He was lucky that he didn’t bite his tongue off. The spray of the shower still fell around him, but instead of burning, he was freezing now. His fingers were blue, and he took that as a good sign.

A horrible side effect of the H4NY0U serum, for sure...but...He was fine. That was what mattered.

He rose up from the tile floor of this shower and turned the knobs, making the spray stop. His head felt weird. So did his mouth. His tongue felt thick and fuzzy. Like he was hung over, but he hadn’t been drinking. He needed to make note of these side effects.

This was important research.

Inuyasha grabbed the towel off the hook outside of the shower, running it through his black hair as he tried to warm up.

He patted it over his face as he stepped out, walking to the mirror above the sink so he could get some water. Maybe wash out this bitter, horrible taste in his mouth. He’d known that there would be side effects, but this...this wasn’t something he had anticipated…

He wrapped the towel around his waist, and turned on the sink, filling the glass beside it with water. When he turned it off, he caught something silver in his mirror out of the corner of his eye.

He paused.

Straightened his back.

And looked in the mirror.

There, standing behind his shoulder was a perfect copy of himself. Only this copy wasn’t his mirror image.

His copy was athletic. Strong. Muscles rippled beneath the skin of his naked body. Silver hair flowed down his back and shoulders. A purple, jagged stripe was on each cheek. Pointed ears sat atop his head. Molten red eyes with turquoise pupils stared unflinchingly back at him...a smirk plastered across his face, baring a hint of...fang?

“Hello, weakling.”

His glass slipped from his grip, shattering across the floor as he fainted.

#taryn-artistic-optimism

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woolieshubris · 3 years

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5, 8, 12, 15, 19, 20, 22, 27, 29, 33, 34, 42, 49 >:)

Feel free to pick any 5 of these you wanna answer if there are too many!!! I’m just 👁👁 Looking ☺️

5) What do you wish more ppl knew abt autism? I wish people knew about what it ACTUALLY means, because I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions. Autistic characters on TV often don't help either cuz they dont usually explain what it actually is, but show a few vague traits. 8) If you have any, what are your special interests? Learning new things? Can that be one? I like to spend hours learning weird softwares and how to do extremely unuseful skills, such as hacking a 3ds, or learning live2d 12) Do you headcanon any characters as autistic? If you want, tell us why you headcanon them autistic. WAYYY TOO MANY. But my weirdest hc is link from botw! I just think hes neat + I like to play where he speaks the least possible and runs from everything. One of my favorite things in games is to see how far i can stretch mysterious silent protag, which I feel tends to lend itself to autistic characterization. 15) Have you ever recieved any accommodations for your autism in either school or work? Yes, I recently got my 504 done along with my Dx :) some of my accommodations mean I skip school assemblies and that teachers generally need to give me written instructions, because verbal ones I have a hard time remembering and keeping up with. 19) What kinds of things are sensory hell for you? School Assemblies, crowds when I am with a group (usually people I'm supposed to be watching) and many tourist attractions !! I get stressed out when strangers try to talk to me, so some clothes stores or any store where the attendees get money off commission is totally off limits to me basically. 20) What kinds of things are good sensory wise? I'm choosing to interpret this as "sensory heaven"? Dry rice/beans are really comforting to stick my hand in, typing on a computer is fun, and petting my birds. Also listening to music I know super well is fun! Listening to familiar music is one of my favorite active defenses against meltdowns. I often listen to music in one ear almost all of the time whenever I'm outside of my room. 22) Would you say you are proud to be autistic? I am much more open about it online than I am in my personal life, and that's mostly due to me masking very well. Most of the time, people cannot even tell when I'm distressed. I wouldn't say I'm proud or really ashamed. I feel more like I just am lol. 27) Do you have any vocal stims or echolalia? I normally don't due to masking, however cuz of covid times, I picked up the stim of any time I'm asked a question, I look at my bird n ask him what he thinks of it. I think my parents find it super annoying lol. 29) Are your friends/family accepting of your autism? I think so? But also people in my family and also some of my friends just literally don't understand it at all lol. They accept it because they have to, but I don't think they understand anything about autism other than misconceptions they've read and some people they've met. 33) Foods you are sensitive to (maybe because of bad texture for instance)? Fish,, sadly. I want to like fish really bad, but I cannot :( I don't know what it is. I also don't like soups. Only having liquids for a meal messes w/ my gut. 34) Do you enjoy hugs? Or are they sensory hell? No lol, I kind of hate hugs. I think it's mostly because I was forced to do them my entire life, than the sensory part. If I was given a choice to hug as a kid, rather than it being forced on me (quite literally sometimes) then I think I'd like it a lot more. 42) Tell us something about your special interest. I recently got a DS emulator working on my 3ds so I can play any DS game I want on it!! :) 49) What's something you find hard to do because of autism? My brain has a hard time differentiating between whining and sticking up for myself? Like I don't know what is stupid and what isn't? So I basically cannot stand up for myself or speak out about things that are bothering me. Same thing with differentiating between a normal request and something selfish. I just cannot do it. It's really difficult to explain to NT's tho, and they often r like

"noooo you cannot ask for too much from me :)))" which like, Lol I don't think you realize what kind of floodgates you are opening. Thank you for the questions <3

#long post #woolies asd ramblings #actuallyautistic #woolies asks

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kayincolwyn · 4 years

Text

Whatever It Means To Be Human (Easter reflection, 4/12/2020)

As many others throughout the world have been pointing out over these last couple months, these are strange times that we're living in.

Back in December around Christmas I started getting sick, and in January I had to go to the ER for some kind of infection that was giving me a sore throat as well as a fever and headache, got a look over and a prescription for a week long course of penicillin which seemed to knock out the infection (and later got hit with a 1200 bill for that ER visit, because my insurance didn’t cover it, that I still need to pay back, which I was livid about when I first found out about it but now am trying to accept as best I can because I have bigger things to worry about). A couple weeks later I had a followup checkup (with a very sweet and very pretty nurse, so no complaints there) and I remember staff at the clinic being pretty jumpy about some virus over in China (now widely known around the world as the coronavirus, or Covid 19) that I honestly hadn't heard about before then, and they were asking me if I had traveled to China or had any interaction with anyone from there, and of course I said no, and I remember being kind of annoyed by their jumpiness at the time. Well, needless to say, now I can see why they were being so jumpy.

I've had some kind of bug or another off and on since then, like a lot of people do in the wintertime, but because of, well, 'everything that's going on' (a phrase I've been using and I've heard a lot of people using lately, like it's become some kind of collective cultural meme) I find myself worrying much more than usual about a little cough or stuffy nose or feeling a little under the weather. At first, like a lot of people, I thought this was no big deal, that it would be another of those diseases that infected a few people but would be quickly contained, and then when that didn't happen I thought, like a lot of younger folks, that I would be fine and just needed to worry about older folks that I care about, but now I know that I could potentially be taken out by this virus too, and even at the ripe old age of 37, so now I worry about myself as well as others, and I admit that, while I’m trying to be brave, part of me is scared.

Even with that worry and anxiety, and with the whole world changing so drastically in just a matter of weeks, I'm still working (with the realization that janitorial work has more value than perhaps I initially thought or felt) and still busing it to and from work and going to the grocery store as needed, while usually wearing my newly acquired neoprene half mask (with inserted filters provided by a friend) like armor, and while washing my bloody hands more than at any other time in my life, and while trying to boost my immunity as best I can with vitamins and supplements of various kinds. Strange times indeed.

I admit it's kind of odd to be considered an 'essential worker', to hear some even hailing people in my position as 'heroes on the frontline' or something like that, when for years I've felt that being a janitor was equal to being at the bottom of the totem pole, and over the years I have on occasion been made to feel less than by others because of my place on the totem pole (though to be fair I've also received my share of gratitude and kindness from others concerning my work as well, which I'm thankful for and appreciate). I mean, I don't really see myself as particularly heroic (I see doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers who are directly risking their lives in order to save others as far more heroic than myself, for example), but just as a guy trying to do his job in order to provide some service to others while also making a living, but I appreciate the validation nevertheless.

As an 'essential worker' (though even among 'essential workers' I still feel like I'm at the bottom or at least near the bottom of the totem pole), I just want to say that I feel that we all have a part to play in this world, that we all have something that we can contribute to the world, even if it may not seem like much.

Like I have seen some people online ragging on celebrities for trying to entertain others from the safety and comfort of their homes (with many of them being out of work at the moment for obvious reasons) but I would say that trying to entertain or encourage others in whatever way you can, even from a distance, can be meaningful and has its place, because we could all use a little entertainment and encouragement sometimes. I mean, for example, people out there can rag on Gal Gadot for trying to sing Imagine with a bunch of other celebrities who may or may not have any musical talent or ability in some online video, but even as cheesy and cringe-inducing as that may be, I still loved her as Wonder Woman (and through that role she has inspired many people, including many young women and girls) and I appreciate her desire, as well as the desire of everyone in that video, to uplift others in some way. Heck, even just trying to stay home as much as possible, trying to keep your distance from others, trying to be mindful of others, as she and many other celebrities as well as everyday people have been and are doing, in this time can be meaningful and shouldn't be completely discounted.

And to me it's not about being 'essential' or not, or 'heroic' or not, it's just about being human, and doing what you can to be a decent human in whatever way you can.

Of course being human is hard, as every human, no matter who they are or where they are, gets their share of suffering and sorrow in some way or another or at some time or another in their lives (though to be fair some certainly do seem to get a bigger share than others, and some comparatively less), and being a decent human is even harder, as it's often a challenge to do some good or do the right thing with all your faults and flaws and with all your limitations and shortcomings, and then going above and beyond that and being someone that most others would think of as a 'saint', well, that seems nigh impossible.

And what does it mean to be human anyway?

I guess that brings me to something that's been on my mind, and is on my mind more now what with it being Easter and having Jesus on the brain a little more than usual (hey, you can take the boy out of the Christianity but you can't take the Christianity out of the boy).

In times like this where the world is shaken up and we're in a semi-apocalyptic state of mind, where our mortality not just individually but collectively is more in question than usual, the question of what it means to be human looms large for many of us, along with those often asked questions about where we come from, why we're here, where we're going... you know, the usual fare.

Lately I've been reading some books by former evangelical Christians, including Unfollowed by Megan Phelps-Roper, granddaughter of Fred Phelps, founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, as well as books by Frank Schaeffer, son of Francis Schaeffer, an influential evangelical thinker and theologian.

Being a former evangelical Christian myself who is trying to find his way after questioning and deconstructing and for the most part walking away from that way of seeing and operating in the world, I can resonate with much of what they have to say and share, like the pain and loneliness there is in walking away from a community that you can no longer agree with to try and find your own path, or how with freedom to think for yourself comes an uncertainty that you have to get used to because now it's on you to decide what you will believe and where you will stand rather than just following what others have taught you or told you, or the mixed feelings about who you were and where you were when it wasn't all bad and it's part of who you are today and even while you don't want to, and really can't, go back, you're still grateful for it somehow.

And in their books they both wrestle with what it means to be human, what it means to be a good person, with the value of life and the value of love, because those questions and concerns still matter to them whether God or some higher power exists or not, just as they still matter to me on some level.

I've also been thinking a bit about Fred Rogers, better known to the world as Mister Rogers, the widely beloved children's TV host, after watching the recent film which stars Tom Hanks as Rogers, A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, as well as the documentary Won't You Be My Neighbor?, and listening to a podcast about him called Finding Fred.

My late friend Erin McCarty was a big fan of Fred Rogers (I even sent her this Mister Rogers t-shirt that I found at a thrift store which she wore proudly in some of her photos on Facebook) whom she saw as a real saint, and she was far from being alone in thinking of him as one. Fred Rogers was one of those people who seemed to go above and beyond just being a decent human, as he was by all accounts a highly exceptional human, who, while having his share of quirks and eccentricities, more than most dedicated his life every waking hour to pursuing the good and showing love to others (and most especially children, whom he could be thought to be the patron saint of if he were canonized as a saint I should think) and even in such a way that no one with a sound mind and clear conscience could find any fault in him.

Those closest to him knew that he at times struggled with feeling inadequate, with feeling as though he wasn't really making a difference in the world, like what he was doing wasn't enough, but even so he continued to move forward, continued to try, an artist whose art-form was kindness and empathy (or as that podcast Finding Fred put it ‘a genius at empathy’).

I remember I was talking with a friend of mine about Fred Rogers the other day and he said that he thought if there was anyone who could perhaps have been the second coming of Christ it was Rogers, and while some might think that sentiment a little sacrilegious, I think it's a testament to the respect many people have for the man's character. People may on occasion playfully mock Mister Rogers for some of his mannerisms, for the way he talked or dressed or otherwise expressed himself (though of course much of that was for the sake of the children he was communicating with), but if you were to ask anyone with any sense at all they would admit that he was, if nothing else, a good man.

I guess the same could be said of Jesus, whose teachings about life and love Fred Rogers, being a Presbyterian minister who took his faith seriously (even if he was kind enough and wise enough not to push it on others as many religious folks tend to do unfortunately), sought to follow and apply to his own life as best he could. Many have parodied Jesus in one way or another over the years (in fact the next book I'll be reading just in time for Easter is Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which I look forward to reading as it sounds like fun) but most would agree that he was, if nothing else, a good man. Even the beloved comedy group Monty Python, most of whom were agnostic or atheist, after studying the gospels in preparation for what would eventually become their classic comedy Life Of Brian, decided against making a film where they mocked Jesus but instead made a film that mocked the church that often failed to follow his example. Instead of focusing on Jesus in the film they decided to focus on a guy named Brian who was mistaken for Jesus, following him on all of his adventures (or misadventures), while occasionally showing the real Jesus respectfully somewhere in the background (much as was done in the film Ben Hur). They said their reason for doing this was that they couldn't help but appreciate much of what Jesus said and did in the gospels, or as they said in their decidedly British way 'you can't take the piss out of it'.

As Frank Schaeffer points out in his book Why I Am An Atheist Who Believes In God (which I thought was a pretty clever title, and one I can kind of resonate with as I’m somewhere in the middle like that myself), some things that Jesus says and does in the gospels, or at least is recorded as saying and doing, don't really make sense or seem inconsistent with the general thread of kindness and empathy that can be seen in Christ's teachings, and having read the gospels at least a couple of times myself (or at least a couple of their English translations anyway, where no doubt much gets lost in translation), I would agree. He wonders if maybe some things were taken out or added in, if the writers sometimes spun some things to bolster their own point of view (which humans tend to do unfortunately), or if some things were simply a result of 'the telephone game' as it were (with most of the gospels probably being written decades after the events that they chronicle took place so that's not really out of the realm of possibility), and he may be right (as much as many Christians out there, especially the more fundamentalist among them, who may believe that scripture is infallible and inerrant, would hate to admit it).

But whatever the case may be, there is still enough of that thread of kindness and empathy in Jesus' story and message that countless people have been inspired by it through the centuries since he was said to have lived and died (and at least according to the Easter story, risen from the dead), including people like Fred Rogers, and also including people like Megan Phelps-Roper and Frank Schaeffer or myself, who even though they no longer identify as Christian still see some value in Jesus’ example and teachings, or at least as they now interpret them.

Many still seek to follow that example and apply those teachings today, including in these very strange, and very difficult, times, trying to walk a path of kindness and empathy when the world seems to be falling apart. I can't really say for sure how much I'm doing that myself, walking that path, with all of my faults and flaws and limitations and shortcomings, but I would like to think or hope that I manage to do a little good each day and get things right at least on occasion.

The truth is though that many of us, including me, feel as though we don't measure up to the standard that someone like Jesus sets (or at least appears to set when you read about the kind of life he led), or even to the standard of someone like Fred Rogers. It just seems nigh impossible to meet that kind of standard. I mean I can't really speak for everyone who struggles with this, but I know that I have often struggled with wondering if I'm good enough, have debated whether I'm making a difference in the world, and have had doubts about whether I am even a decent human, let alone a saint. I feel like I fail or fall short in some way or another every day, feel like I don't care enough, don’t give enough, don't live big enough or love deep enough. Maybe some of my family and friends who see more in me than I see in myself might argue with me on this, but it's still how I feel sometimes, or even much of the time, and is a daily internal struggle for me.

But hearing about Fred Rogers, who some half jokingly (but also half seriously) would call the closest thing to a second coming of Christ that they can think of, having similar struggles gives me some perspective and comfort though, and it makes me wonder if even Jesus himself had such struggles, even if they may not have be written about, even if they were only written in his own heart, as blasphemous as the thought of someone whom many claim and believe to have been the Son of God, or even God in human form, actually struggling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt may be, but blasphemous or not that thought gives me a strange kind of comfort.

I remember in reading the gospels one of the parts of Jesus' story that resonated most with me was him wrestling in prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was arrested. Just imagining him being scared and uncertain and agonizing in the dirt and just being, well, more human like me, because I've been there too, is somehow encouraging, because if that's God, or a representative of God, or even just a very good man, maybe it's okay for me to be scared and uncertain and to agonize in the dirt too, because maybe I'm not alone in that.

One of the things that Fred Rogers is famous for saying is 'I like you just the way you are'. In the podcast Finding Fred, the podcast host, who greatly admires Fred Rogers, sometimes expressed struggling with that idea, being a black man who has experienced a lot of racism, and also being someone who has been mistreated in a lot of ways by others throughout his life, he wondered how he could like someone just as they were when, well, there was so much wrong with some people out there. One of his guests on the show, another admirer of Fred Rogers, suggested that what Rogers meant by 'I like you just the way you are' wasn't that everyone was perfect in every way, nor that everyone's words or actions or choices should be condoned, let alone praised, or that people didn't need to learn or grow in different ways, but rather that underneath all the dirt and the muck of our imperfection, our imperfect words and actions and choices, and no matter how deeply buried, there is something of value, something of worth, some spark of the divine in us, which can never be completely destroyed, and no matter how much others, or even we ourselves, may try to.

Of course, much like the host of the podcast, many of us struggle with seeing that that is true of those whom many of us would call 'monsters', the murderers and abusers and tyrants of this world, the worst of the worst if you will, but then it appears that Rogers was able to look at people even like that and see something of value and worth in them, seeing something of beauty beneath all of the ugliness, or at least the potential for it anyway.

I think of another man that many could think of as a saint, named Daryl Davis, who is a black man that has made it his mission to try to befriend members of hate groups, including members of the KKK, not in a concerted effort to convert them to his way of seeing things necessarily but simply to give them something to think about through their just knowing him. He has helped many to walk away from the KKK and other such groups simply by extending the hand of friendship to them, and he challenges others to try to break down divides by seeing the humanity in others, including those who are different from us, or even those who hurt us or frighten us.

I also think of Fred Phelps, who was the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, and who has become an icon of religious hate to many, and what his granddaughter Megan wrote about him in her memoir Unfollowed, how even though to most people he was a terrible human being, even a monster, to her he was her 'Gramps', whom she loved dearly even if looking back she knows that he got a lot of things wrong, and she spoke of how towards the end of his life when he was falling into dementia that he softened considerably, and even to the point that his own church effectively excommunicated him and abandoned him in a retirement home, where Megan and her younger sister Grace, who had recently left the church (and at great personal sacrifice to themselves), snuck in without permission from their family to see him one last time, and Megan says he was mostly lucid at that time, and instead of reproaching them for having left the church he only expressed his love for them in the end. It seems that at the end of his life Fred Phelps didn't cling to his dogma and hate so much as his relationships and love, which is encouraging.

Fred Rogers (the other Fred if you will), whom Fred Phelps himself often mocked as 'a wuss and an enabler of wusses' among other things, even going so far as to protest at his funeral, would have been proud I think that Phelps had come so far at the end, and I am sure he would have said to him 'I like you just the way you are' and I think the humanity buried even in someone like Phelps was what Rogers was pointing to by saying that to everyone he encountered.

Frank Schaeffer spoke of his mother, Edith Schaeffer, in his book Sex, Mom, and God, in much the same way, even going so far as to say that even being straitjacketed by the limitations of her religion and its dogma she was a force of nature and he could see her humanity shine through throughout her life, especially towards the end when, as Fred Phelps did, she softened, and said that ultimately she was better than her beliefs, or that something in her, her humanity, rose above that.

And maybe that humanity, or that divine spark, or whatever you want to call it, was also what Jesus was pointing to and trying to call out, and whether that be in the everyman on the street, or in the seemingly irreparably damaged people that you may find in prisons (or even sometimes in governments) or even among the religious who can get so mired in their ideology and self-righteousness as to forget that spark within them or in others.

It may seem nigh impossible, if not flatly impossible, to live up the standard of what many of us think of as saviors or saints, but I think of a scene in A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood where Roger's wife Joanne says that 'Rodg' (as she affectionately called him) wouldn't want people to think of him as a saint, as he believed that anyone and everyone could walk the path that he walked, or at least tried to walk, and in their own special way.

I also think of how Jesus said to his disciples that they would do even greater things than him, which when you think of the kind of example that someone like Jesus set, namely one where you are willing to die for what you believe in and stand for, that seems like a pretty tall order, but it makes me wonder if, as controversial as this may be and contrary to popular and widespread religious opinion that has been built up around him for centuries, maybe Jesus wouldn't want us to think of him as a savior anymore than Fred Rogers would want us to think of him as a saint, because maybe instead of putting them up on pedestals we're meant to try and follow their example as best we can.

I remember one of the guests in the Finding Fred podcast saying that maybe instead of just looking back on Rogers and his example with admiration and nostalgia, we could also try to be like Fred Rogers ourselves, much as those who seek to follow the way of Jesus (which Rogers himself was trying to follow) instead of just looking back can try to be like him as much as they are able, and in their own special way.

With it being Easter today as I post this, I honestly don't know whether or not Jesus rose from the dead, heck I am not even one hundred percent sure if he even existed (as there are those who argue that he didn't, even if most historians would agree that he did, though most of them think that most of what was written about him was just fanciful legend that was built up around him, which may or may not be the case, because none of us can really know for sure on that since we weren't there, and unless we invent time travel or something it will continue to be a matter of faith, and faith alone), but then I am willing to keep something of an open mind about it, and even with where I am now I can still understand why many look to Jesus as a symbol of hope and the love of God, and why people see something meaningful in the story of his life, death, and resurrection because even if it may not be literally true (and again on that front it is a matter of faith), that doesn’t mean it isn’t mythically true. Whatever the case, I believe that his example and message of kindness and empathy lives on (even if one has to dig through a number of inconsistencies and mistranslations to find it), much as Fred Rogers’ similar example and message lives on.

And I guess this brings me back to 'everything that's going on', and the question of what it means to be human.

One of the things that a lot of people have been saying through this crisis that all of us in the world are facing is that 'we're all in this together' and I think it's safe to say that there's nothing quite like a pandemic to remind us of how much we value our relationships when we are having to keep our distance from others, including those we love, for our good and theirs, and when we are fearing for not only our own health and our own life but also for the health and lives of others.

I recently watched the film Contagion, which came out about ten years ago, and many are seeing it as eerily prophetic as much of the film parallels what is happening now, but one of the underlying messages of that film, as one of my favorite Youtubers, Like Stories Of Old, pointed out, is how much our relationships matter, how much those connections that can so easily be taken for granted matter, when we are faced with existential threats such as the one we seem to be faced with now. More likely than not, as in Contagion, this pandemic, as bad as it may get, will not be the end the world, but it is certainly shaking it up and it appears it will continue to do so for awhile, and in the midst of that all we have for sure is eachother, even if we can only be there for one another mostly at a distance and in spirit.

In A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood there was a moving scene where Rogers says concerning death and how difficult it is to talk about it that 'anything that is mentionable is manageable', and I think the same applies to the situation we are in now, we can face this and face it together, because we're not alone in this mess, not alone in the dirt, even as lonely as it may feel at times.

Our situation is also a reminder (and is another theme in Contagion) of how connected we all are, especially in this globalized world that we now live in. A friend of mine here on Tumblr was telling me in a recent message how this whole situation shows how interconnected we all are, and how every choice we make can impact those around us and can have a domino effect, even having effects, whether positive or negative, that we aren't even aware of.

What he said reminds me of this passage from the classic children's book Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, which I finished reading for the first time just a couple days ago, where there is this exchange between the book's chief protagonist Milo, accompanied by his loyal companions Tock and Humbug, and the princesses Rhyme and Reason:

“It has been a long trip,” said Milo, climbing onto the couch where the princesses sat; “but we would have been here much sooner if I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I’m afraid it’s all my fault.” “You must never feel badly about making mistakes,” explained Reason quietly, “as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.” “But there’s so much to learn,” he said, with a thoughtful frown. “Yes, that’s true,” admitted Rhyme; “but it’s not just learning things that’s important. It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters.” “That’s just what I mean,” explained Milo as Tock and the exhausted bug drifted quietly off to sleep. “Many of the things I’m supposed to know seem so useless that I can’t see the purpose in learning them at all.” “You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you’re sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it’s much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.” “And remember, also,” added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, “that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.”

While I think the main themes of The Phantom Tollbooth are the value of education as well as how you see and experience the world around you, I think this passage could also be applied to how we learn how to live and love, and how you follow a path of kindness and empathy.

It's a process to be sure, and we will all make mistakes along the way, but as Reason says, we can learn more from being wrong for the right reasons than being right for the wrong ones, and trying to apply what we've learned as best we can and holding onto our reasons for doing so is just as important as what we learn. And there's a purpose to it, to living and loving as best we can, and it can impact the world around us, it can be like a ripple in a pond that spreads out in ways we can't know or even imagine, and who knows, maybe it will take us to places that we couldn't have even dreamed of...

Maybe that's something to try remember whenever we get discouraged (and I know I do plenty, as I’m sure most of us do), much like Fred Rogers did, and perhaps even Jesus did, and when wondering whether or not we have cared enough or given enough or lived enough or loved enough, that even seemingly little things can have a great impact and can actually make a real difference in the world.

In Fred Rogers' last television appearance after 9/11 he spoke of how his mother said in times of crisis that you should "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” I remember in the Finding Fred podcast they pointed out how in that message he was speaking to the children who are now grown ups themselves, the ones who had watched his program as they were growing up, and he was pointing to their own humanity, to that divine spark within them, and calling them to become those helpers themselves.

Even in that instance Rogers struggled, as he was so shaken by the enormity of the events of 9/11 that he felt that nothing he said could really help, and yet many, including myself at the time, even not being as familiar with Fred Rogers then as I am now, as I hadn't really watched his show growing up myself (I was more of a TMNT and Transformers kind of kid back in the 80s), were encouraged by what he had to say, and it made an impact, it made a difference. It helped.

And we can help too in our own way, and even if we too may feel shaken up by the events of our own time, these strange times that we're living in, we too can make an impact and a difference, we can help in some way, and however small and inconsequential what we may have to offer may feel, and whether it may feel decent or good or 'essential' or 'heroic' enough or not, we can help, and even if we may not know that we are helping.

As far as the answers to some of those big questions, like where we come from, why we're here, and where we're going, honestly I'm not sure what the answers may be, I mean I have some guesses, but I don't know with absolute certainty (and I'm having to learn to live without that anyway, even as I try to look forward with some hope and look back with some gratitude), but whatever it means to be human, I think it may have something to do with doing what you need to do even when you're worried and scared, with trying as much as you can to lift up others when they're down or maybe even when you're down, with the value of life and of love, with not being alone in the dirt, with seeing some measure of value and worth in jaded and cynical adults as much as you may see it in children, with extending the hand of friendship, and maybe even to those that are different from you, or looking for the humanity even in those that hurt and frighten you, with somehow loving those that others may only see as irredeemable monsters, with seeing the light in someone even if they are held back by things that limit and hem them in, with not insisting that others put us up on pedestals whenever we do some good or get something right but that they try to do the same themselves as best they can just as we are trying to do, with learning and growing in every way we can, with facing difficult times together, with trying to encourage and support and help one another, and even as imperfect as we may be and are. Maybe it has something to do with all of that.

I hope that we'll get through these strange times, that we'll not only survive them but that this may also push us to change some things for the better, that this will push us forward somehow, through death towards resurrection, that this will remind us of our humanity, that spark within us, and while I don't really know why we are in these strange times, or why 'everything that's going on' is going on, really I do hope that in the end it will move us a little closer to finding out, both for ourselves and for eachother, what it means to be human.

#covid19 #everything thats going on #were in this together #essential worker #Easter #megan phelps roper #frank schaeffer #mister rogers #jesus #daryl davis #fred phelps #contagion #phantom tollbooth #9/11 #what it means to be human

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ambitionsource · 4 years

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wait i actually have more weirdly specific questions (if ur up to it) - how do the kids feel about poetry? do they follow any sports? what childhood tv shows were their favs? do they have celebrity crushes? fav coming of age movie? how are they doing in quarantine? what time in history were they obsessed w as a kid? have they ever been to summer camp? what type of candles do they like? what song do they cry to? how do they drink their coffee/tea sorry if u’ve answered already/too many questions

wooooo thank you for your patience iz!! we’re gonna go point by point

poetry?

charlie loves it genuinely and will read it for fun. riley likes it enough but doesn’t go out of her way to read it. farkle loves coming up with insane explanations for the metaphors and is smug about interpreting it in class. zay doesn’t care for it, neither does lucas. asher appreciates it but finds it boring; dylan likes it for the same reason farkle does, only not to look smart but to come up with something completely crackheaded to combat farkle’s interpretation (which he can’t then say isn’t correct, bc its poetry, so all interpretations are valid!). isa doesn’t like it because she doesn’t get the metaphors on paper the same way she can pick them up in film. maya hates it even though multiple people have pointed out that song lyrics are basically poetry -- she will tune you out.

sports?

sports aren’t Big at aaa (aside from dance), but there are remnants here and there. riley follows basketball of course -- even tho as demonstrated in 110, she cannot play it to save herself -- and she tried out for cheer in 9th grade at her old school but was rejected from the squad (another bad mark on a terrible year). farkle prefers wii sports over any actual sport, but will sometimes watch golf with stuart because it’s quality time with his very busy father. charlie did soccer when he was younger before it got phased out by dance and semi keeps up with it. dylan also “played” soccer, but this meant the other little league teammates getting pissed at him bc he never paid attention to the game and was just like “hey! hey, dennis, look at this!” and did like 3 cartwheels across the field. it was a smart move when randall pulled him from the team bc those intense soccer moms were gonna like beat them up fDJSKG. so now dylan is just an unofficial gymnast instead.

isa doesn’t like sports but played them a lot with foster siblings, and even though she sucks she gets very competitive. lucas liked baseball and was good at track in middle school, but he never thought about doing a sport for real because he knew he was going to quincy eventually where his dad is a coach... yeah. no. but he’s great at running fast from the police!

maya hates sports (aside from the art of dance). waste of time, waste of energy. asher has never done a sport nor ever contemplated a sport. the most Sport he’s endured is going with jade to support dave at his swim meets (where nigel also does swim) and suffice to say, asher wasn’t there to look at the swimming.

childhood tv?

dylan to this day is a spongebob squarepants STAN. legend, icon, scholar, best television show ever made, in his opinion. he also was well-versed in pokemon, adventure time, gravity falls, and phineas and ferb. asher and lucas both didn’t watch lots of tv growing up (if at all), so dylan considers it his job to give asher a thorough education in the quality tv he missed as a kid.

maya was all over hannah montana (miley is still a role model to this day for her), and she, zay, and charlie all remember the fever dream that was shake it up. zay especially loved it bc he was (is) obsessed with zendaya. zay and maya both also watched victorious. charlie was sharing a tv with four siblings so he just ended up watching whatever the dominant sister that day wanted to watch. riley was a disney channel girl, and farkle was a pbs scholar (arthur, cyber chase, fetch! with ruff ruff man... classics).

celebrity crushes?

zay = zendaya (as previously mentioned). charlie = harry styles to a major degree, although his Cover Story would be zendaya if you asked (ironically). maya = britney spears (but in a I Want To Be Her way, major idolization rather than attraction) and technically the same for valerie de la cruz but like... rip to that lmao. isa = loki, yes we know, but sometimes it be that way (altho that does extend a little bit towards tom hiddleston in general). asher = logan lerman, aka the main valid white boy who dresses nice, is polite and soft-spoken, and minds his own business (not to mention he is the Same Type as dylan). dylan = had crushes more on like... personalities so like ash ketchum and percy jackson, and now its irrelevant bc he met asher and became obsessed and its like every other potential crush just flew out the window of his brain. it’s full asher territory in there nowadays.

riley doesn’t have a specific one, she thinks lots of people are Pretty but no one particularly strongly. farkle doesn’t have one because he’s insane and doesn’t have the mental capacity. lucas doesn’t have one because he’s demi and also hates most celebrities as people.

coming-of-age movie?

maya’s is mean girls. farkle’s is ladybird. zay’s is easy a. riley’s is bend it like beckham. isadora’s is eighth grade. charlie’s is dead poet’s society. asher’s is perks of being a wallflower. dylan’s is spiderman: into the spiderverse. lucas doesn’t know movies.

quarantine?

we’ve somewhat discussed this before, but ultimately es and i elected to let aaa remain in a nice, calm universe where they don’t have to endure covid. lucky them. blow a kiss to the ether for us, buds,

fave time in history?

riley is huge on ancient greece and greek mythology. maya loves the theatricality and Drama of the roaring 20s (a baby flapper at heart). zay vibes hard with the 80s. charlie likes the fashion and romanticism and music and art of the 70s (that sort of flowery positivity clashing with the rebelliousness of the movements of the 60s... yeah. that hits something in him). farkle’s is the great depression not only bc he’s an emo but also all the raw and desperate art that came out of it. isadora was a egyptian mythology kid. i know lucas sounds lame (he is), but i don’t think he cares about history -- but if pushed he’d probably say the 90s bc he dresses like he’s straight out of there, everyone was angry rocking, and he wasn’t born. asher likes the victorian era bc of the sheer elegance and Aesthetic to everything. dylan doesn’t have a favorite time period because due to being the subconscious multiverse conduit (i.e. the being that is somewhat connected to every other version of himself) sometimes he wakes up and for a minute he doesn’t even know what year it is 🤪anyway...

summer camp?

charlie has been to many a christian youth summer camp. zay went to the kossal program, but that was basically it. lucas no although he probably wished he could be anywhere else during the summer sometimes including a camp he would hate. riley went for a few years in elementary school. isa has gone to a couple of “foster kid” summer camp bonding things that she despised. farkle went to jewish summer camp One time and was like that was HORRIBLE, never make me spend a whole summer outside AGAIN. asher was more of a Enrichment courses at the rec center during the summer kid than a camper. dylan no because the orlandos couldn’t afford something like that. same for maya.

candles?

riley has a small variety of scented ones that are like... warm scents, like cinnamon and stuff. asher a couple that smell like clean linen but his fear of accidental fires keeps him from ever lighting them. maya has one and it smells like “star power,” a gift from her mom one christmas. isadora can’t have any because many of her foster homes don’t allow them. lucas legally shouldn’t be allowed anything that catches on fire. dylan doesn’t have one but similarly should not be given one. the minki have a whole collection for different things so farkle can just pluck one at any time if he needs one like for a super fancy bath or whatever the fuck rich people do.

mental breakdown song?

charlie’s are “falling” and “from the dining table” by harry styles.

riley’s is “manhattan” by sara bareilles and “rainbow” by kacey musgraves.

zay’s are “imagine” by ariana and “dear life” from the step up soundtrack (post zc breakup).

farkle’s are “vienna” by billy joel and “get it right” from glee.

asher’s is “don’t cry” by ruel.

isa’s is “you are my sunshine” because valerie used to sing it to her a lot when she was really little, so it will always make her a little emotional.

dylan’s (although rare) are “soon you’ll get better” by ts and “make you feel my love” by adele. the second one is because his mom loved adele when she was just starting out bc 19 was released the same year that she passed away so there’s a lot of like subconscious association there even if he doesn’t realize it.

maya doesn’t have one, and lucas also doesn’t have one because in the rare moments he does cry its in his closet in the dark silence alone bc he literally can’t stand the sentience of knowing he’s crying so. sensory blackout.

coffee / tea?

riley will add at least 3 sugars to anything, but she’s ultimately an iced tea gal. lucas drinks it black but only because it never occurred to him to add anything to it and so it’s a big wake up call when he realizes you can drink it and have it NOT be bitter and horrible and demoralizing ( “i thought we were all just suffering for the caffeine fix??” ). isa is a tea girl mostly, although she wishes she could drink black coffee for the aesthetic (and hates that lucas can... it’s like... he didn’t even Earn that aestheticism, smh). asher doesn’t drink caffeine bc it makes him Jittery (and he’s already jittery) so he’s like... the lemonade bitch at coffee shops which kin, and then dylan definitely drinks caffeine but not thru coffee, he’s more likely to get like a hot chocolate.

farkle lives on coffee but he can only drink it from home because they’re rich and can have like fresh ground good imported whatever the heck etc etc so he’s like spoiled about coffee. zay will hit up a starbucks now and then and will order coffee at a diner, but he’s not too attached either way. maya is a fun n free starbucks gal with her frappes and lattes and lots of cream (whipped or otherwise). charlie doesn’t drink coffee or tea bc hes hyper aware of his body and health (he doesn’t really have soda either) and it was frowned upon in his house.

#this was a HEARTY helping of questions. lots to unpack there #thanks izzy!! fun for me and es to go thru #ambition quarantine 2020 #aaa friday #you didnt technicalyl send this on friday but im counting it #front nine #thebestofabaddeal #answered

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come-on-shitty-boys · 4 years

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Thank you so much for writing such a detailed answer about NLMG🥰 I also really enjoyed the discussions about the novel, trying to understand things like why they never left the school etc. After reading reviews and ishiguro's statements, we came to the conclusion that he wanted to show a phenomenon (a part of human nature), which often happened in history, where people were forced to live in bad systems and just kept living in it. Also if you want to talk about HP, do it. I would love to know☺️

No, nonnie 🤧 thank you for asking! I LOVE talking books and I haven't really been able to since covid kicked me of my college campus.

But, yes! That was the same kind of conclusion we reached in my class! This refusal to leave because you don't know if leaving will put you in a better situation. There's this sense of fear that surrounds the uncertainty of what's outside the life you've been forced to live!

Continued under cut, because this gets L O N G

When nonnie reads the tags so you get to ramble some more 🥺💕

So, here's some things that you may have never known about Harry Potter and how J.K. Rowling showed that she was G A R B A G E even before letting the world know she was a terf :D! Watch me get attacked by the Potterheads oml

First things first, I'm mainly going to focus on some of the over-arching themes, because that's what we covered in class, but there's still plenty to talk about.

Let's start with the Durselys. Now, if you've only seen the movie, this fact gets lost, but in the novel, they are depicted as having blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, this may not seem like much of anything, but there's a really cool parallel between Harry Potter and Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre (another very thought provoking novel). Specifically in their openings. The Durselys are pretty much copy and pasted from the Bronte's Reed family. I'm talking looks and personalities. They're violent and always picking on little Jane (small, frail, dark hair, green eyes. Familiar description, yeah?) I'm like 62% sure that Jane gets called dirty because of her looks and how she doesn't fit the Aryan ideals (please note: when I say Aryan I mean the ideals that have come to be associated with Hitler's "master race" rather than the true background of the word). Hmmm it's almost like Harry also doesn't fit in because of something similar. Harry has Lily's eyes and his father's hair, a direct link to his magic background. Bold of you to assume that he didn't stick out like a sore thumb in the Dursley family just because. No. It's so we could have a PHYSICAL difference as to why Harry is looked down upon.

The Smelting stick :) oh you mean something that I did extensive research on? It's a symbol for Dudley's power in the house :) the historical connotations behind walking sticks shows us that they were more widely carried by those who were in high power and authority (think about how royalty wield scepters). As time progressed, they also were made into weapons, some even being equipped to conceal daggers and pistols. Now, Dudley's stick may not have been doubling as a knife, but we can ALL tell that Dudley is the real ruler of the house, even before getting his stick (possible penis imagery which adds another level of masculinity into the conversation. I promise if you ever study lit in an upper level course, everything is a penis). But by giving him the Smelting stick, Rowling is really just giving you affirmation that Dudley is the head of the household as he B E A T S Harry with it. (The same idea of stick = power can be seen with the Malfoy men. Lucius carries a walking stick which is then given to Draco my BABY in half blood prince because HE'S calling the shots, so to speak. Also are going to ignore that a 16 year old CHILD started a W A R? like come on. That's fucked up. I can and will write an essay on why Draco deserves way more sympathy than what he gets and I'm not just saying this because I love him. But back on topic)

Harry living under the stairs? That is literally showing how he is beneath everyone in the Dursley home and how they walk all over him. There's not much else to explore there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Goblins at Gringots oho ho 👀 this one left me shook when I found out. They're supposed to be Jewish people. It plays very heavily into the anti-Semitic view that Jews are stingy and greedy. Also?? They work underground?? Which uhhh doesn't sit right with me now that I know what I do, but maybe I'm reading too much into things.

We all know the House Elves are literally S L A V E S employed by everyone's favorite school nonetheless 👀 but here's what really drives me bonkers about that. Rowling insists that they LIKE it. Dobby is the only one who gets out of the system and the others are essentially like "bitch why the FUCK do you wanna be free." But isn't it nice to get a little insight on what she thinks of slavery smh 😔 didn't Kanye say the same thing? About slavery being a choice or that they liked it or something?? Or am I just tripping?

N E WAY. Here's one of my favorite parts. DIALECT. I don't remember if this gets mentioned in the books, but I know it's in the films. So, if we put Ron, Draco, and my queen McGonagall all up next to each other and have them say the same thing, what the difference? Their dialect. They accent they have is directly linked to their social class. Ron has more of a cockney accent, which is used by working-class Londoners. It's essentially the Southern accent of Americans, so it's typically associated with being dumb, so it kinda fits that not only is Ron Weasley poor, he's also not the brightest. Say it with me friends. Classist. Draco has a posh accent, so he's rich and super smart but also kind of a brat, especially early in the series ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ McGonagall is Scottish. That accent is very desirable because it EXUDES class. So, it seems to make sense that one if the older, wiser characters gets to be Scottish.

I wish I could go on and on, but I don't remember everything we talked about?? There was a lot of stuff JUST on Hogwarts itself and the British private school system and the classism you can find rooted there, but I don't really remember it all?? There's things about the roots of last names, specifically Potter vs Malfoy and the whole Anglo-Saxon vs Anglo-Norman roots of their names and how it translates to class and their beliefs. I could go on for YEARS about why I can't stand Albus Dumbledore but this post is already massive 😩 so I really shouldn't.

Nonnie, thank you for letting me ramble on about all of this. I've missed talking about books. It's honestly something that I will always enjoy :') my brain just thrives off of underlying meanings 🤧

Tagging @nekxrizawa because sis wanted to get in on this discussion.

#shitty talks #not haikyuu #harry potter #shitty talks books

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thehouseoftheholy · 3 years

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Wew Tumblr update

PErsonal post w/lotsa reminescing and sappiness but realness and drinkin

I sure haven’t done one of these in a bit. Life is slowing down for me but also speeding up. Pretty soon I get to start yoinking up people to be in my thesis counsel for my master’s in Art History, so that’s happening. I sometimes feel imminently prepared and at home, and then other times like a total fraud or as if I’m just shitting my pants along, just kinda making it. I know this is the case for a lot of grad school students but oof how grating. Speaking of which, I’ve been told to stop writing my papers with so many colloquialisms, so whoops, this post isn’t helping, but it’s cathartic either way. If there’s anyone out there in the #arthistory tag that has grad school experience btw, please let me pick your brain! Anyways, the covid year has been such a year, I am sincerely hoping this summer things will open up a bit more and I can see some of my friends. I am getting to the point where I need to brush up on French for a required language proficiency exam, cause I don’t think I’ve actually had French class since maybe 2014? Who knows. I forget to always capitalize French, and google chrome keeps reminding me. Personally, I am in a rough place with some members of my family, but I am also in a place I never thought I’d be, which is with a fiancé. Getting to type that based on how old this blog is feels very cathartic, pardon my geezeritis. Life is just about to maybe be where I actually want it to be, but just as there always is, there’s resistance, or as the rolling stones always say, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes. you get what you need. I think within the past several years I have been bonked on the head with the what I need for sure. The biggest struggle for me lately is realization that people are toxic and removal of said people. Sometimes, you find out you’re even more isolated in life than you thought you were, but your true allies are very apparent the older you get, if you’re not a complete dumbass. Pay attention to people who will stand up for you, encourage you to grow and keep you honest, but not maliciously. S/O’s and a few others are major allies, but realizing there are many double agents, social media stalkers, etc., is not a fun realization. PSA: don’t be afraid to remove the presence of people who make you uncomfortable, people that you have bad memories of, etc from your virtual life it it brings you catharsis or peace of mind. A lot of times, your gut reaction about a person is right, and if you feel like people from your past who don’t give you good vibes are not worthy of being able to see what you’re up to, that’s your prerogative. While the rest of the world rages around you, don’t be afraid to lean in to the people you know you trust and love, and all that good shit. There’s no time in this life for cold comfort. Assert some agency, Tumblr people! Anyways, if you read it all, cheers. And speaking of cheers don’t be afraid to stock up on home bar equipment, it doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it just makes you a smart shopper. It is not an effeminate or lame thing to know what you want when you drink. Some famous person out there probably said also there is no time in this life for shitty drinks. I respectfully disagree, as there is in fact a time I believe in chugging busch, etc., but also, I am saying it now, assert that agency when you drink as well. Don’t order bud light at the bar, or you’re no more valuable than gum on the sidewalk. At least ask your bartender what the well is for their drinks. UH anyways goodnight.

#holypersonal #ramblings #drinking #art history #writing #personal

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mycomori · 4 years

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i found my voice when i was in edbtreatment. they made sure of that. they also made sure to punish me for it. i guess that’s the real world tho. it’s realistic and logical and i do love to live by those standards and they know that. my mouth only ever gets me in trouble. and i always blame myself. because it must be my mouth. that’s why i kept silent so long. that’s why i don’t say how i feel. because no one cares. my feelings are wrong no matter what so i don’t even covid them. but i did discover something about myself and it’s that my sense of right and wrong has a lot to do with when i speak up. because if i see someone being treated with disrespect, i will never respect the person doing no matter how hard they try to strong arm me. because there is literally NOTHING i respect less in a person than a fucking power complex. and i will stand up and fight but only if it’s for others because i don’t deserve to fight for myslef. it’s selfish to fight for myself. but i feel to blame either way. all o want is to help people who need it and defend them when i can. i’ve always been that way. always had this deep rooted rule within myself that i will never respect someone who does not give basic respect to others since o wa sa kid and i’ve always held to it. but at the same time i elt people disrespect me for so long. excused it for so long. im either too passive or i try to defend myself and others and that’s somehow read as aggression. because me setting a boundary, speaking my mind, anything, no one wants to hear it. they just wnat me to be afraid of them and do as they say without question well guess what fucker. i grew up in catholic school and those crazy shit heads NEVER pulled me into their cult way of thinking fully. because i saw through their shit. i saw how they really treated people. how alla round me adults used their small amount of power to hurt and control those weaker than them. those they’re supposed to protect. if i didn’t fall into that when i was a child then im sure as fuck not gonna fall into your sad little power trip at a food service job. i’ve don’t that too many times already. im too old to handle it anymore. last time i did that i ended up having a full out mental breakdown. but my abused brain is still jsut like “SHUT THW FUCK UP DONT SPEAK BE SMALL APOLOGIZE EVEN IF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING JUST DO WHAT THEY SAY AND IT WILL BE FINE” but it’s never fucking like that! all that fawning ever does is make people think they can get away with even worse. and before you know it they’ve got you completely controlled and you’re having anxiety attacks before every single shift and ptsd breakdowns in the middle of most shifts. i just can’t do it again. i can’t. o hate myself for it. i don’t deserve to defend myself. but i do feel like i deserve to defend others. or at least, that i feel i need to. because i’m good at taking shit from people. im a dead eyed flat affect immovable wall between an asshole w a power complex and a good person they’re trying to break down. my biggest flaw is that i am angry. my ptsd may make me good at taking shit without flinching or showing emotion. but it also makes my emotional responses so unpredictable. and so i’ve tried so hard NOT to go right into the ptsd response cause usually it’s a lot. i don’t know what i’m even talking about anymore. i just don’t like myself and i know i’m the type of person this society hates. i’ve seen it ive experiences it enough times to know that i’m “wrong” to then when imn not submitting in fear like a little abused animal.

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thesecondmate · 3 years

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reading: wk4

2 weeks’ worth here baby! i’ve just completed my week in limb reconstruction (when will the plastic surgeons STOP trying to seduce me into their specialty!!! let me live!!! don’t send softly-spoken tall registrars who like teaching into my theatre to convince me to be a surgeon!!!) + trauma week (i’m less enamoured w/ trauma/ortho surgery....bones suck) and am trying to take a breather over the next 2 weeks. promo for my charity’s conference is taking over my life but what’s new baby! feeling a lil delicate but hopefully some time off doing things i love (ie, reading, learning languages) & catching up on notes will do me some good. hope everyone is staying happy & healthy ~

BOOKS

✩ emporium // johnson (finished) some of these short stories are sublime; some miss the mark for me (twenty-something male angst doesn’t really do it for me tbh) but that’s life. the ones that hit the mark hit a perfect bullseye: homegrown americana dystopia, the aching twin senses of loneliness and readiness to take on the world-ness of teenagers, surrealism, and gorgeous prose. johnson nails family dynamics and love and regret so well; he gives form to the feelings that most of us won’t admit to, without naming them, like the outline of a faceless ghost. this collection is probably why so many of my teenage writing snippets were dystopias heavy on the loneliness and light on the worldbuilding. adam johnson should actually cut me a cheque for the number of times that i’ve recommended his books lol if i had to recommend individual stories: - teen sniper: teen sniper pushed into the business by a tiger mom, shooting silicon valley yuppies for the police, friends with a replaceable robot - it’s so american that i can taste the star-spangled banner. love love love. - trauma plate & the jughead of berlin: johnson gets family dynamics and teenagers so, so right. beautiful. trauma plate is set in a dystopian mom&pop bulletproof vest shop, told from 3 perspectives; the jughead of berlin absolutely nails teenage girl psyche. - the death-dealing cassini satellite: the prose in this is just stunning. stunning.

✩ the secret history // tartt (in progress)

ESSAYS actually read several essays that won’t leave my brain these last 2 weeks.

✩ The Crane Wife - CJ Hauser, Paris Review yes i know i’m late to the party but nothing has ever made me feel so seen. hauser took out my beating heart from years ago, when i dated men who were bad for me, and showed me its anatomy. she showed me a kindred spirit in my shame in writing about things that aren’t true suffering, in writing about my own feelings, and i love love love.

✩ The Valley and the Stream - Danyl McLauchlan, Granta this essay took my breath away. the perfect mix of neuroscience, psychiatry, and human experience and philosophy that is what medicine is all about, for me. beautiful beautiful. will be re-reading this for a long time.

ARTICLES: MEDICINE

✩ Yemen: This doctor saw Covid hospital empty after fake death text - Nawal Al-Maghafi, BBC

✩ Covid linked to risk of mental illness and brain disorder, study suggests - Natalie Grover, Guardian so i have a lot of thoughts about this tbqh. firstly, the study isn’t peer-reviewed, although it is out of a good uni & good research department; secondly, grouping together neurological and psychiatric diseases rly doesn’t help clarity (e.g., having a stroke after covid, a disease that is known to create a pro-clotting state in the body, is v different to developing depression, which is v different to developing psychosis); thirdly, this article didn’t mention at all the fact that we are in an incredibly stressful, isolating, terrifying time that is probably in itself a risk factor for triggering new mental illnesses & diagnoses. really crap reporting if u ask me.

✩ COVID-19 and psychosis risk: Real or delusional concern? - Watson et al., Neuroscience Letters (2021) so i read one of the review articles referenced in the above article - rly interesting and good! and contained a very interesting sentence that the above journalist could have stood to read: “There are currently several specific complexities in assessing the true role of SARS-CoV-2 in neuropsychiatric disease, the most pertinent of which is separating the specific impact of the virus from both the broader disease response and the social, cultural and psychological circumstances in which an infection has occurred.” plus a lovely graphic that would have summarised the possible causes of this apparent correlation. not to hate on people but i really hate shoddy science journalism, a pet peeve that has caused me significant angst during this pandemic lol. why go into science journalism if you blatantly don’t understand science? thanks.

✩ Biological Insights From 108 Schizophrenia-Associated Genetic Loci - Ripke et al., Nature (2014) reading bc 1. my current extracurricular research is on schizophrenia 2. prompted by above discussions of inflammation & psychosis 3. i have always been interested in neuropsychiatry and inflammatory causes of psychosis, thanks to a wonderful talk i went to in my first yr of med school by dr belinda lennox + will graham’s autoimmune encephalitis. lol.

ARTICLES: CULTURE/MEDIA

✩ Why ‘Fleabag’ Is Not Returning For A Third Season - Dani Di Placido, Forbes gutting but a good reason nonetheless

✩ Dave Grohl: 'I dreamt I was shot in the back’ - Mark Savage, BBC absolutely obsessed w the new foo fighters singles. nearly lost my mind when i walked into theatre and the surgeon had them on in the b/g. power move.

✩ The Slumflower Beef Has Exposed the Limits of Influencer Activism - Ash Sarkar, Novara finally a reasonable take on this bullshit - having never really enjoyed either of the parties’ content, this was quite refreshing lol.

ARTICLES: POLITICS/CURRENT

✩ Poland to implement near-total ban on abortion imminently - Shaun Walker, Guardian rage does not cover my feelings.

✩ Impeachment guide: how will Donald Trump's second Senate trial unfold? - Lauren Gambino, Guardian pls god come through, republicans.

✩ 'Vaccine tourism': tens of thousands of Americans cross state lines for injections - Kiran Misra, Guardian horrifying but not surprised. interesting that NJ are vaccinating smokers first but i guess that’s to stop them using up resources - they will get sicker if infected than non-smokers, v interesting.

✩ Finally Taking A Stand? Assessing the UK’s Response to the Uyghur Crisis - Max McGiffen, UK Public Law Blog lots of links to read. a friend set up this public law blog & it’s so clear & well-referenced!

✩ Is the Military Above the Law? A Comment on the Overseas Operations Bill - Max McGiffen, UK Public Law Blog this legislation is terrifying ngl

ARTICLES: OTHER

✩ Why You Don’t Use Garamond on The Web - Design for Hackers

✩ The disabled activist who led a historic 24-day sit-in - Lucy Wallis, BBC

✩ Why 'preppers' are going mainstream - Manuela Saragosa, BBC

✩ How to investigate a firm with 60 million documents - Michael Dempsey, BBC

#reading 2021 #weekly #oh this is so late but w/e

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preciousmetals0 · 4 years

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30 Million Unemployed; Tesla Cries Freedom; Microsoft Goes Hard

30 Million Unemployed; Tesla Cries Freedom; Microsoft Goes Hard:

On the Turning Away…

…from the pale and downtrodden … and the words that they say which we don’t understand.

Wall Street almost — almost — became aware of the U.S. economy this morning.

Continuing the epic U.S. employment saga, the Labor Department put another brick in the unemployment wall this morning. Some 3.8 million Americans filed for first-time unemployment benefits last week.

The six-week total now stands at 30.3 million unemployed. CNBC called it “the worst employment crisis in U.S. history.”

The market opened down nearly 2% on the news, and, for a brief moment, you could see the sweat on Wall Street’s brow. A hint that somewhere in that sea of frothing bullishness, someone almost had an epiphany. A realization that economic demand might suffer considerably due to 30 million unemployed American consumers.

And then, while contemplating how waning demand might impact a U.S. economic recovery and corporate bottom lines, that someone stumbled over a pile of Fed money (It’s a gas!) and completely forgot the whole deal…

The Takeaway:

Hey you!

Are you still learning to fly in this crazy market? Or are you sitting back comfortably numb and enjoying the quarantine?

Yes, the economic data makes you want to run like hell, but you don’t have to say “goodbye blue sky” to investing in this market. Just breathe, be patient and take your time. Otherwise, your portfolio will play that great gig in the sky.

When it comes to investing, it’s hard to remove yourself from the “us and them” mentality, especially during these trying times. But giving in to emotions will eventually bankrupt you one of these days.

Yes, by all economic accounts, the market is more irrational than Roger Waters on a nicotine and whiskey bender. But you can be right and still lose money.

Now, Great Stuff has been pretty down on the market’s prospects since this whole pandemic thing started. We recommended putting most of your investment capital in gold, bonds and cash … you know, the standard safe havens. (By the way, which one’s Pink?)

But there’s one sector in which we have high hopes: tech.

No, we don’t have brain damage. We’re just reading the writing on the wall. Today, Great Stuff takes a look at three Big Tech companies post earnings, and we weigh their potential in the current market.

It’s our way of helping you shine on, you crazy diamond!

So, what’s … uh, the deal? Where can I grab that cash with both hands and make a stash?

Why, be careful with that ax, Eugene! If you’re wanting more, then it’s time to turn your tech investing into interstellar overdrive. See, nobody stays as fearless in the tech game as Paul Mampilly. And Paul just found one tech stock that’s set to transform the way we use and create energy.

Paul even said: “This technology can single-handedly power a major American city … virtually free of charge.” So, let there be more light! And as the market’s seesaw continues, and the Fed’s jugband blues carries on, find out more about the one tech stock that Paul recommends you buy now.

Click here to learn more!

Good: Freedooooom!

Did you miss crazy Elon Musk? I did.

The Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) CEO proffered up his best Rage Against the Machine impression yesterday, crying out “Freedom!” and calling the COVID-19 response in the U.S. “fascist.”

The outburst came during Tesla’s earnings call with investors … earnings, yeah right!

Speaking of earnings, Tesla posted a surprise profit. Doesn’t that make it three in a row?

Why yes … yes, it does. And that’s a good thing for Tesla investors in the wake of Musk coming a bit unhinged. The company posted a first-quarter profit of $1.24 per share, shocking analysts who expected a loss. Revenue also topped expectations, coming in at $6.2 billion.

While Tesla remained cautious in its outlook due to the pandemic, investors seized on the unexpected profit and better margins — a notable feat given Tesla’s lower production volume.

Our take at Great Stuff is that Tesla is a solid long-term investment. However, given our reservations about the overall market and the U.S. economy, now may not be the best time to chase TSLA shares. If you’re looking to invest, be patient. Wait for a pullback, and time your entry accordingly.

Better: Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

Do this. Don’t do that. Can’t you read the signs?

Facebook Inc. (Nasdaq: FB) is in rally mode today. The company has seen the sign, and it’s opened up investors’ eyes. (A Tesla cover into and Ace of Base reference? Are you trying to give us whiplash?)

What sign? Why the most important sign of all for Facebook: stability in ad trends.

Forget that Facebook blew past Wall Street’s first-quarter earnings expectations, or that revenue of $17.74 billion rose 17% to beat the consensus target of $17.53 billion. It’s all about guidance in this market.

“After the initial steep decrease in advertising revenue in March, we have seen signs of stability reflected in the first three weeks of April,” Facebook said in its conference call with investors.

That’s all the sign that FB bulls needed to send the stock skipping more than 5% higher.

So, what’s our take on Facebook? Well, setting aside our distaste for the company’s mishandling of user data and its unwillingness to fully address misleading posts … FB is the best social media stock on the market.

It’s a dual-edged sword. FB is a solid investment choice if you can set aside your emotions on the company.

Best: Good Ol’ Softy

Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq: MSFT) is probably one of our favorite tech stocks here at Great Stuff. While we haven’t made it an official pick for the Great Stuff free portfolio, you should probably pick up a few shares if you can.

Why? Because of statements like this: “COVID-19 had minimal net impact on the total company revenue.”

Fact: MSFT was the only Dow stock to gain in the first quarter.

While practically every other company in the U.S. issues warnings and pulls forecasts, Microsoft is plowing ahead. The company just reported fiscal third-quarter results, beating even pre-virus estimates.

Driving that performance was an impressive 59% spike in Azure sales. Azure is Microsoft’s “Intelligent Cloud” business, and it’s eating Amazon Web Services’ lunch with JEDI-like prowess.

Finally, Microsoft actually provided fourth-quarter guidance — one of the very few companies to do so this earnings season. The company expects revenue of $35.85 billion to $36.8 billion, largely in-line with Wall Street’s targets.

The thing is, Microsoft has been an essential company for decades. It’s weathered dot-com busts, financial crises and government antitrust lawsuits. In fact, when I hear that “buy and hold” is dead, I always point to Microsoft.

You spoke to me, and now it’s time to breathe in the air.

Mr. Great Stuff, how long are you keeping this Pink Floyd thing going?

One of these days … one of these days I’ll stop speaking in song lyrics. But until then, you can count on Great Stuff to get countless eclectic earworms stuck in your head.

Meanwhile, if you’ve been hanging on in quiet desperation for this week’s Reader Feedback, wait no longer! It’s that time again, so let’s see what Great Stuff readers are thinking about this week.

Bye-Cycles

I feel like the stock market has three things going against that people don’t talk about but I’m not sure if they even really matter.

“Sell in may and go away”

We are at a serious technical resistance for SPY.

We are at the end of the month and we tend to see people selling more at the end of the month as opposed to the beginning … right?

I have also read that we Tuesdays tend to be more bearish than other days of the week.

I am thinking that since we didn’t see much of a sell-off on Tuesday, no one is talking about ‘sell in May,’ and we aren’t really seeing a sell-off due to resistance or it being the end of the month … the fed is going to win and we are going to plow through resistance and the recovery will continue. Does what I’m thinking make any sense?

— Preston B.

My, my … someone’s been reading his Chad Shoop! (For anyone guessing: Chad focuses on investing around many of these market cycles — as well as some hidden market cycles too. Details here!)

Thank you for your thorough email, Preston. I wanted to touch on just a few of your questions today, but honestly, you already answered it yourself in the first line. Here’s the lowdown:

Yes, we often see a seasonal dip in May. Yes, the end of the month often brings a flurry of Big Money rebalancing and profit taking. Resistance … why, up until today’s market dive, it seemed like the S&P 500 Index had the rearview mirror torn off like it was in a Jo Dee Messina song.

All of these are true to their own extents. Yes. But somewhere along the line, Mr. Market declared that fundamentals and technical logic are dead, instead deciding to leap headfirst into the chasm of “fear of missing out” uncertainties.

Preston, your observations are most astute. In normal market climates, those trends are what we’d talk about this week instead. But today, as things are right this instant, I mostly agree with your statement at the top: “I’m not sure if they even really matter.”

Just Like Starting Over

Yo, Joe,

Well, I tried. That’s about all the slang I know. I am the newest of the newbies, have never placed an order. … How can I go find a broker when I have to stay inside? How can I get my monies out of banks into brokers’ hands? Is that all done electronically? Help!

— Janis W.

Yo, J.W.! What’s good, homie? You keeping things 100 during quarantine?

Let’s help you get that bread — err, a brokerage account to start with. Your hunch is right: Almost all brokerage action is done electronically these days, as is moving money into your account once it’s set up.

I know that many people are put off investing entirely because it’s mostly online. But once you get started with a broker you like and trust, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the convenience — and the possible addiction of checking on your stocks every second of the trading day (which, frankly, is a stage most new investors get through sooner or later).

Before we go any further, let me just say that Banyan Hill doesn’t have any personal or business relationship with any of these services. They’re just the top choices I see among many of our readers.

Check out some of these links below and see what broker is right for you. You’ll want a trading platform that’s easy to use and gives you the information you want without having to sift through a bajillion different web pages:

I also want to add that, just like starting any kind of account where money is concerned, there will be fine print. (There’s always fine print, right? It’s like the ever-returning pocket lint of the legal world.)

I wish you the best of luck, Janis!

I Am You, and What I See Is Me

Are you still ok with your advice to buy Starbucks put options?

— Philip H.

Philip, I … I don’t think that was my recommendation. By any chance, are you thinking of this Winning Investor Daily article by John Ross back on April 10? Hey now, us Joes and Johns aren’t interchangeable, you see…

So, while I can’t give you personalized investment advice here (legal beagles and whatnot), what I can say is that, when it comes to options … you definitely want to keep any losses short and take gains when you’ve got ‘em.

Options Land is a fast-moving (yet insanely profitable) place … and you might want to ask John Ross directly for your next move, Philip. For everyone else out there looking for a spot to jump into the options game (and trust me, there’s no better time to do so), you can get started with expert John Ross right here.

That’s a wrap for today, but if you still crave more Great Stuff, check us out on social media: Facebook and Twitter.

Until next time, be Great!

Regards,

Joseph Hargett

Editor, Great Stuff

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goldira01 · 4 years

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On the Turning Away…

…from the pale and downtrodden … and the words that they say which we don’t understand.

Wall Street almost — almost — became aware of the U.S. economy this morning.

The six-week total now stands at 30.3 million unemployed. CNBC called it “the worst employment crisis in U.S. history.”

The Takeaway:

Hey you!

Are you still learning to fly in this crazy market? Or are you sitting back comfortably numb and enjoying the quarantine?

Yes, by all economic accounts, the market is more irrational than Roger Waters on a nicotine and whiskey bender. But you can be right and still lose money.

But there’s one sector in which we have high hopes: tech.

It’s our way of helping you shine on, you crazy diamond!

So, what’s … uh, the deal? Where can I grab that cash with both hands and make a stash?

Click here to learn more!

Good: Freedooooom!

Did you miss crazy Elon Musk? I did.

The Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) CEO proffered up his best Rage Against the Machine impression yesterday, crying out “Freedom!” and calling the COVID-19 response in the U.S. “fascist.”

The outburst came during Tesla’s earnings call with investors … earnings, yeah right!

Speaking of earnings, Tesla posted a surprise profit. Doesn’t that make it three in a row?

While Tesla remained cautious in its outlook due to the pandemic, investors seized on the unexpected profit and better margins — a notable feat given Tesla’s lower production volume.

Better: Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

Do this. Don’t do that. Can’t you read the signs?

What sign? Why the most important sign of all for Facebook: stability in ad trends.

That’s all the sign that FB bulls needed to send the stock skipping more than 5% higher.

It’s a dual-edged sword. FB is a solid investment choice if you can set aside your emotions on the company.

Best: Good Ol’ Softy

Why? Because of statements like this: “COVID-19 had minimal net impact on the total company revenue.”

Fact: MSFT was the only Dow stock to gain in the first quarter.

Driving that performance was an impressive 59% spike in Azure sales. Azure is Microsoft’s “Intelligent Cloud” business, and it’s eating Amazon Web Services’ lunch with JEDI-like prowess.

You spoke to me, and now it’s time to breathe in the air.

Mr. Great Stuff, how long are you keeping this Pink Floyd thing going?

One of these days … one of these days I’ll stop speaking in song lyrics. But until then, you can count on Great Stuff to get countless eclectic earworms stuck in your head.

Bye-Cycles

I feel like the stock market has three things going against that people don’t talk about but I’m not sure if they even really matter.

“Sell in may and go away”

We are at a serious technical resistance for SPY.

We are at the end of the month and we tend to see people selling more at the end of the month as opposed to the beginning … right?

I have also read that we Tuesdays tend to be more bearish than other days of the week.

— Preston B.

My, my … someone’s been reading his Chad Shoop! (For anyone guessing: Chad focuses on investing around many of these market cycles — as well as some hidden market cycles too. Details here!)

Thank you for your thorough email, Preston. I wanted to touch on just a few of your questions today, but honestly, you already answered it yourself in the first line. Here’s the lowdown:

Just Like Starting Over

Yo, Joe,

— Janis W.

Yo, J.W.! What’s good, homie? You keeping things 100 during quarantine?

I wish you the best of luck, Janis!

I Am You, and What I See Is Me

Are you still ok with your advice to buy Starbucks put options?

— Philip H.

That’s a wrap for today, but if you still crave more Great Stuff, check us out on social media: Facebook and Twitter.

Until next time, be Great!

Regards,

Joseph Hargett

Editor, Great Stuff

#Timor Invest

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