#this drawing is from June because I am really awesome at posting things in a timely manner on tumblr | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ordinaryschmuck · 3 years

Text

What I Thought About “Separate Tides” from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

...>A-hem< F**KING CALLED IT!

I said that the earliest that The Owl House would return would be late June and early July. And some of YYYOOOUUU sons of witches doubted me by saying it would be fall or winter. Well, guess what! "Separate Tides'' has come and gone, the show is back and better than ever, and we are all happy about it! You see how it pays to be optimistic, you persistent PACK OF PESSIMISTS!

...Sorry. Got a little hot there. I'm just so happy it's BACK!

10 MONTHS! It's been nearly 10 months since this show began its hiatus, large in part because of the pandemic. It was painful. BOY, was it painful. But I can already tell that the new season is going to be well worth the wait just by this episode alone.

But beware you mangey sea dogs! Thar be spoilers ahead when discussing such a premier.

And I swear to you that it's only spoilers for "Separate Tides." I haven't seen "Escaping Expulsion" either, and I promise you will be safe from anybody ruining it for you. But maybe don't read any responses from this post. Thar may be d**ks in these waters. So let's review, shall we!

WHAT I LIKE

Mirroring Season One’s Opening Scene: First off, this is a neat callback to what is the perfect first impression of the series. That scene perfectly introduces us to the type of show The Owl House is, while this one acts as a reintroduction to the world we left for way too long.

Second, this is also a well-hidden character moment. Luz is finally living the life she dreamed of, but it isn't exactly all that she expected. It's a great showcase that despite literally running away to a fantasy world, Luz is still getting a regular dose of reality. And I still love the irony in all of that.

(Plus, King eating the bounty is just funny).

The Recap Recording: This is a smart way to recap events from the season finale. It might be weird that Luz says things that the audience already knows, but she's not talking to us. She's talking to her mom. So she's going to explain all that she can in a way for Camila to fully understand. Besides, not every fan had repeatedly watched The Owl House Season One over and over again like a bunch of frickin' lunatics...You know who you are.

Plus, as an upside, Luz gets to explain new events and concepts for how she and the rest of the Owl House are making a living. In no way does it feel like forced exposition because, again, she's trying to describe as much as she can to her mother. It's a reasonable and natural way to talk to the audience in order to catch them up while also showing what's been happening since we've last left this show.

Luz Can’t Send Texts to Her Mom: ...Well, Texts to Home, it was fun while it lasted, but the current canon has decided that you're done. I'll miss you and appreciate all that you've done for me, but, yeah, this is the end. Sorry.

Alright, now that I got my jokes out of the way, allow me to explain how this is really a heartbreaking moment. Because the fact that Luz is forever cut off from her mother, even through texts, is an idea that just twists the knife in your heart when you really sit down to think about it. Luz's little goodbye at the end of her video does nothing but makes it worse.

On the upside, we get some solid character development as Luz doesn't even hesitate to send the video to Camila, learning her lesson from "Enchanted Grom Fright" about being more honest. She finally faced her fear, even if it was a fruitless effort.

They’re Doing Odd Jobs Now: This is a smart workaround for how the Owl House residents are making money. Some fans guessed that maybe Eda had so much junk piled up that they wouldn’t worry, but this seems more of a logical direction. Even if Eda had enough garbage to sell, she’ll can and will eventually run out at some point, meaning that they will all have to take the odd jobs anyway. So I appreciate the writers used that plot point sooner rather than later, as a fun romp as bounty hunters is something you want to do early in the season instead of later on. Especially with how Dana Terrace confirmed that s**t’s gonna go down in the future.

Lilith: ...I'm still willing to hold off--What the f**k did I say his name was? *looks up past review* Frederick Ulis--Frederick Ulisinsburg!

I am willing to hold off Frederick Ulisinsburg, for now, because Lilith is...sort of on the right track. I mean, I don't like how quick she was to playfully mock Eda or rudely yell at Hooty. But I do think that there is potential for her character. She feels genuine guilt for what she's done, and there's a chance that the new season will explore that further if the writers are smart (which they are). On top of that, there's a possibility that every time Lilith tries to act cocky or full of herself, she will be treated as a proverbial punching bag because of it. Like how her poster got burned down after boasting how impressive she looks. Or how Golden Guard's poster magically sealed itself to her face when Lilith tried to throw it away. It's the latter that primarily got me cackling like a madman due to how deservingly hilarious it was.

And, well...she happily clapped like a schoolgirl! Which was adorable! I can't hate characters who have the potential to be adorable! It's not in my nature!

So, while I am a little hesitant in liking her, I think there's a chance for improvement in her character in the future that I look forward to. We just have to wait and see if the writers pull it off.

(By the way, to the person that came up with Lilith wearing a "battery low" shirt...you're a genius in visual gags/storytelling.)

Greg’s List: Have I ever mentioned that this show is funny?

Who's Greg? Why does he organize a list of perfect bounties?

I don't know, but the idea of some random person in the Boiling Isles is putting it on himself to set up a list to make bounties...I'm sorry, but that's funny to me. It's also probably for how Craig's List was made, but when you really think about it, Craig's List is a funny idea as well.

Eda Isn’t Feared Anymore: I sort of guessed that this would happen, but seeing it is a whole different level of sympathy to feel for the character. Eda's main schtick was being the most powerful witch on the Isles, and that's gone now. She's forced to adapt to this new normal, which she's quick to do, but still. Tt's got to be a rough kick to the ego now that no one even cares about who she is anymore.

It's a low moment for her character that hopefully sets up her own arc for the rest of the season.

Luz Feels Like She’s a Burden: I will demolish her with love and kindness if she even CONSIDERS talking so poorly about herself again! Because Luz is not a burden. She is a beam of light that literally brightens up the lives of nearly everyone she meets. Eda already explains how her life is better because of Luz (through a heart-tugging speech that almost got to me, by the way), but it's not just Eda.

King now has his first real friend who admires him and treats him like the king he wants to be.

Willow has become much more confident and cheerful because Luz was always in her corner.

Gus learns more about the humans he appreciates with his whole heart while also having a friend that treats him like an equal rather than a kid.

And do I even have to say ANYTHING about Amity?

The Boiling Isles wouldn't be better off without Luz. It's better because of her. And shame on this girl for thinking otherwise...even though I fully understand where she's coming from.

I'm about to get personal for a second, so strap in. Because I am a twenty-somthing-year-old who is currently living with his mom. It's as pathetic as it sounds. But it's because I'm still attending college, and she says school comes first and jobs and apartments come second. Despite that, I feel like trash for just...living here as she still takes care of me and pays for the food I can't afford. She says that I shouldn't worry about it, but I still wait for the day I can finally pay her back for everything. Not some things, but everything. And that's Luz's mentality in this episode. The overwhelming guilt she's feeling for thinking she's inconveniencing Eda's life is something that hits really hard for me. It doesn't matter if it's true, but that she believes it's true. It's a heartbreaking character arc she's forced into for this episode that also adds more to why she's one of the many characters I heavily relate to.

Lulu and Hootstipher: Whoever thought of this idea...I f**king love you.

This is similar to when Noah and Owen became friends in Total Drama World Tour. Seemingly one-sided at first, you see a cute friendship that you would have never expected, but it works! Hooty is this happy and naive character who hardly understands what's going on half the time, and Lilith is...Lilith. Their chemistry is instantly fun as their dynamic is quick to understand.

This also shines with potential for character growth, for it could give Lilith a chance to be more caring and Hooty a chance to be more than just the comic relief. If you were to tell me that this is what was going to happen when the season premiered, I would have thought you were crazy. But now, after seeing it in action, I'm genuinely excited to see where this cute friendship between these two goes.

(As long as it doesn't involve fans shipping them. Because Hooty can do better)

Luz Getting Better with Her Magic: Our little bisexual princess is growing up! And, man, is it awesome to see. Luz going from just barely knowing how to do magic to full-on using her spells like second nature just warms my heart with all the character growth it presents. Now, some people might want an explanation for how she's able to do said spells, to which I say: "Who the f**k cares?"

If you ask me, Luz's magic is one of those things that doesn't need a direct answer because it doesn't matter as much. But if you're going to be a baby about it, here's what I can offer: As far as I can tell, it's equal parts having the glyph and mentally picturing what the spell should do. It's much like how Willow draws a spell circle and can either make giant jungle vines or a patch of flowers to land on. Luz's glyphs are her own spell circles. As long as she concentrates hard enough, she can make the glyph do whatever she wants it to.

There. You have your explanation. Now let's just all appreciate the fact that Luz can now throw fireballs and make vine whips like the superpowered teenager she most likely fantasized of being. Ok? Ok.

A Pirate Losing His Head...Literally: ...And I'm gonna go ahead and add that to the list.

I mean, for f**k's sake, WE SEE BONE! He puts his head back on, but we still see the bone!

Eda in a Pirate Outfit: ...That is all.

The Golden Guard: This guy shows up for only a few minutes, and I'm already beginning to like him. He seems just as threatening as Belos while also coming across as a guy who loves his job and being a ton of fun to watch because of it. I adore villains that find that balance of being funny and terrifying. The result is a character who makes me laugh on top of making me scared of what they could do to our protagonists. So far, that's the Golden Guard in a nutshell, and I can't wait to see what the rest of the season has in store with him. Whether it involves seeing him play with food as he did with Eda and Luz in this episode or seeing him getting kicked in the crotch like a little punk like him deserves, I am all for it.

(Bonus points if it's Amity who does the crotch kicking if he ever makes an advancement on Luz)

Eda Wanting to Protect the Selkidomus: I love this. It plays into the idea that Eda cares about things being wild and free and despises how Emperor Belos would want to control everything, including the most insignificant of animals. It shows just how kind Eda really is rather than someone motivated by greed...even if she does end up filthy rich in the end.

Emperor Belos’ Brief Cameo: Yup, still terrifying!

And if it turns out that Belos can see the Scrying Potion that Lilith made...we're going to have some problems.

Much like the actual problems that I have with this episode!

(Like that transition?)

WHAT I DISLIKE

King Being Stupid: King has two different personalities in this series. Either he's a pathetic wannabe ruler who seems intelligent or an idiotic Disney comedic sidekick. That latter version of King is what we get in "Separate Tides," and I don't like it (obviously). I don't care how cute it is to see him cling onto Luz's leg and exclaim how he won't let her leave. The same character who helped Luz break into a prison to save Eda shouldn't be the same one who falls asleep when a sheet covers him like a dumbass parrot! King's at his best when he's as intelligent as the rest of the characters. And not as dumb as someone like Hooty.

Eda Being Too Nice Around Lilith: This one bothers me the most. After being cursed for thirty years and having her life ruined by the person she thought she could trust the most, Eda is still all smiley and jokey when talking to Lilith. Yeah, sorry, but I don't buy that. No one in their right mind would be that cool with a person who did all of what Lilith did. It's a major misstep that squanders what could have been a fantastic overarching story of Eda learning to forgive her sister and Lilith trying to earn it. We'll at least get Lilith's guilt, but as is, I feel Eda showing genuine anger towards her would elevate that story by a lot.

IN CONCLUSION

But that's about all the bad things I have to say about "Separate Tides." As is, it is a well-earned, solid A of a season premiere. It introduces new concepts and characters I can't wait to see more of, continues old storylines and character development instead of ignoring them, and still proves that The Owl House is as charming and funny as it always was. Maybe the rest of the season could continue to be great, or maybe things might get worse. Time can only tell. For now, all I can tell you is that "Separate Tides" is a great and fun episode that makes me excited as we set sail to this new season.

(And Scared. Mostly scared)

#the owl house #the owl house season 2 #the owl house review #luz noceda #edalyn clawthorne #lilith clawthorne #the golden guard #king of demons #toh hooty #what i thought about

31 notes · View notes

mythoughtsaretroubled · 3 years

Text

self appreciation tag off

tagged by @greygullhaven and @cookiedoughmeagain

RULES: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your up to 10 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

1. Why sleep when you can dream?- A dream Trouble piece that’s just smut and some angst of the threegulls. This is my first smut piece and my longest piece to date and I’m still shocked I was able to write it!!

2. And he called him Nate- A pre canon look at Duke x Nathan’s relationship. I really love writing from Nathan’s pov and this is the first chaptered thing I wrote, and the longest at the time I started it. Still unfinished but it was a solid start in the Haven fandom.

3. I'll try and be your family- This little fic is about Duke and Beattie’s relationship post 1x05 and how it might look and what bond they might form over the shared trauma of sexual assault (I think of Beattie as a victim as well) and losing a child. It was very emotional and I’m proud.

4. but I love it when you try to save me- My Jennifer x Jordan rewrite of s4 and I am going to finish this simply because I have too many scenes written to abandon it but I jut don’t have the focus or drive. But it has made me realize how much I like plotting and planning my writing!!

5. Haven Pride- A series of aesthetics filled with various queer headcanons of Haven characters. I think doing all of these throughout June really helped me with the ones I made in the future and play with fun color schemes. Some also sparked some good ideas for fics in the future!!

6. Haven Characters as Greek Gods- I really loved this idea and learning about lesser known Greek deities. Comparing characters to older, established characters is that often were at the beginning of certain tropes that have reoccurred throughout the history of stories. It was very rewarding to do and I don't know if I am finished with it. (I'm cheating, this is from this year, mostly at least, I think)

7. What could have been- a collection of ficlits that depict scenes that I feel like should have been included in canon. (I don't feel like linking it, sorry)

Tbh I'm drawing a blank on what else I created last year but a lot of these were multi part things and I think we can round it up to 10 lol. I am very proud of how much content I produced last year and the quality of it as well.

Tagging: @iamtheholyghost @logarithmicpanda @aceemilythorne and anyone else who sees this consider yourself tagged!!

#sprry this was in my drafts forever #i have been dormant in the haven fandom recently

7 notes · View notes

our-time-is-now · 3 years

Text

June 10, 2019 (1): Fate is what you do with it

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Monday, 10:06 am:

David: *has woken up before Matteo again and contentedly watches him sleep for a while* *at some point feels his full bladder and is also craving some coffee, so he quietly gets up to go to the bathroom and then the kitchen to make some coffee* *a few days ago he actually remembered that Matteo and him would soon have been together for a month when he went through his sketchbook and found the sketches from May 10th and had redrawn one of the sketches for Matteo, but isn't really aware of the fact that today's June 10th* *turns on the coffee maker and while he waits for it to finish he cleans up some of yesterday's dishes and starts to wash them* *has just finished the dishes when the coffee is ready* *thinks that the dishes can dry by themselves and leaves them on the sink* *fills the coffee in a thermos, grabs two mugs from the cupboard and goes back to his room* *puts everything on the nightstand when he notices that Matteo is still asleep and crawls back into bed to join him* *softly hugs him from behind and snuggles closer hoping that Matteo might wake up from it* *starts kissing his neck*

Matteo: *is sound asleep* *is still a little beat from all the excitement over the weekend and therefore enjoys his sleep* *then feels David attach himself from behind and is only half asleep because of it* *smiles slightly when he feels his lips but leaves his eyes closed for a little while longer to enjoy it* *eventually turns his head around and looks at him* *smiles* *says in a still sleepy voice* Morning... you smell good...

David: *stops caressing his neck when Matteo wakes up and turns his head around to look at him* *loosens his hug a little so that Matteo can turn around to him properly* *smiles when Matteo's voice still sounds sleepy and quietly says* Morning... *gets a little sheepish at his words and murmurs* I've already been to the bathroom... *tenderly kisses him on his mouth and mumbles into the kiss* ...and I made coffee...

Matteo: *hums slightly when David says that he has already been to the bathroom* *wraps an arm around him when he kisses him* You're simply too good for me... *kisses him again and smiles into the kiss* *while he kisses him remembers what day it is* *is pretty sure that David doesn't know* *doesn't care* *kisses him a little more and pulls David even closer* *murmurs* What do you wanna do today? Want to do something or stay in bed?

David: *protests when Matteo says that he's too good for him and softly pulls his hair where his hand is buried* *murmurs decisively* Don't say that! *kisses him again and runs his hand through his hair* *gets pulled closer by Matteo and sneaks his arm under Matteo's head to be closer to him and to lie more comfortably* *hears Matteo's question and puts his head back on the pillow to think* *kisses his forehead again and says* Hmmm... don't know... let's have coffee first... and then... *reaches for Matteo's hand on his chest and entwines their fingers* *shrugs slightly* A whole day in bed would be really nice... *grins slightly* ...but sometimes I feel guilty when we're so lazy... we could also go out... to the park or so... or do something with the others... *looks down at him and asks* What would you like to do?

Matteo: *jerks his head a little so that he can take up his favorite position on David's shoulder by his neck* Yes, first coffee as always... *lightly runs his thumb over David's hand when he takes his hand* *nods with a grin when he says that a whole day in bed would be really nice* Hmmmm... *can't really relate to the thing about feeling guilty but knows that David is generally more active than him* Noo... let's not do anything with the others... only you and me today... and you know me... *grins up at him slightly* I don't feel guilty when I’m lazy... but we can go out if you've got ants in your pants... however you want to celebrate. *grins slightly to himself and is curious if David catches on to what he's saying*

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he doesn't want to do anything with the others today and only wants to spend the day with him* *wouldn't have known how to face Jonas and Hanna anyways* *laughs quietly when he says that he can be lazy without feeling guilty and thinks that turning off his guilt about it would also do him good sometimes because he actually likes being lazy quite a lot* *thinks about what they could do outside today and doesn't fully hear Matteo's last part of the sentence* *but then freezes and wonders what it is that he forgot about this time* *throws his head back and groans slightly* Celebrate?! *lets go of Matteo's hand and reaches for his phone on the nightstand to check the date* *sees that it's June 10th and immediately knows that it's their one-month-anniversary* *quickly puts the phone down, grabs Matteo's hand and puts it on his face* *murmurs* That has to stay there until I'm no longer ashamed of forgetting about our anniversary... *is really quite embarrassed and ashamed about it right now*

Matteo: *grins even more when David asks* *then sees him looking at his phone* *laughs out loud when he grabs his hand and puts it on his face* *but then disagrees when he hears his words* Nonsense! *rolls onto his stomach so that he can look at him and moves his hand to tenderly put it on his cheek* You just didn't know what date it was today... *kisses him slightly* Usually even the date doesn't help you... so I feel honored... *looks at him and smiles* So don't be ashamed, okay?

David: *tries to push Matteo's hand back over his face when he puts it on his cheek but eventually gives up when Matteo kisses him* *has to laugh quietly when Matteo says that he feels honored and murmurs* You’re satisfied with very small things... *looks at Matteo and sees him smile and is even more embarrassed when he says that he shouldn't be ashamed* *closes his eyes, groans quietly and says* I'm a bad boyfriend! *looks at him again and runs a hand through his hair* You deserve someone who remembers such days and who can plan a nice day and who doesn't only bring you coffee, but who brings you breakfast to bed! *grins slightly and gets ready to get up* Although... I might manage some breakfast... could you maybe fall back asleep for a moment?

Matteo: *shakes his head* Not at all... you aren’t a small thing… *lightly hits him when he says that he’s a bad boyfriend* Would you stop with that! *but then smiles when he runs a hand through his hair* *shakes his head again* Nonsense! I'm quite glad that you can’t remember stuff like that... at least there’s one thing I can do that you can't. *grins* *pulls him back when he tries to get up* Would you stop with that nonsense? You can pour me some coffee and stay here in bed with me!

David: *grimaces when Matteo hits him and theatrically says* Ouch! *laughs quietly when Matteo pulls him back, sighs, leans back and says* Okay, I'll stop! *but then sits up again and scoots to the edge of the bed when Matteo demands coffee* *grins* I can manage coffee and staying in bed... *pours them coffee and says* Besides, you can cook and I can't! You can be lazy without feeling guilty about it! And you're better at being there for others than I am... and you're better at Flunkyball... *hands him the mug with his coffee and grins slightly* Maybe I really should get a calendar... otherwise you'll be better at a lot more than I am... *crawls back on the bed with his coffee, leans against the wall and stretches out his legs*

Matteo: *sits up a little when David starts to pour coffee and leans against the wall* *laughs slightly when he lists what else he can do* I’m not better at Flunkyball, you can throw better, it’s only that I can drink faster… *takes the mug from him and at first only holds it* *puts his leg over David’s when he sits down next to him* And besides it’s stupid… to list these things… I’ll always think you’re greater than I am, get used to it. *grins at him slightly and takes his first careful sip of coffee*

David: *laughs* But who can drink the fastest is what matters during this game… *smiles when Matteo puts his leg over his’ and briefly looks over at him before blowing into his coffee* *nods when he says that listing these things is stupid and hums in agreement* *has to grin and murmurs at his next words* For whatever reason… *thinks that he feels similar and that he’ll always think that Matteo’s greater than himself* *also takes a sip of coffee when he remembers the drawing he made for Matteo* *puts his coffee down on the nightstand and pulls his legs out from under Matteo’s* Hang on… *gets up and goes over to the desk* *ruffles around for a second and eventually finds the rolled-up drawing* *hops back on the bed with the drawing and pulls Matteo’s leg back over his before handing him the roll* *the painting depicts both of them standing in the empty pool hugging each other tightly* *in the lower corner is the date, May 10, 2019 as well as David’s signature and a heart* *in the background there’s the slightly faded line of “breathing under water”*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Well, because you’re great… *looks a little surprised when David gets up* *watches him and the roll he comes back with* *quickly puts down his coffee before David hands him the roll* *unrolls it and feels his heart skip a beat before it continues beating twice as fast as before* Wow… this is… awesome! *swallows hard before quickly leaning over and kissing him* I’ll get a frame and then I’ll put it up over the bed. *beams at him and then looks back at the painting* Compared to this my present sucks… *puts the painting down on the bed and leans down to pull a small box out from under the bed* *hands it to David with a slightly sheepish grin* The idea’s quite similar, I’m just not as talented… *there’s a button in the small box looking something like this*

[translation: “fate is what you do with it”]

David: *has picked up his coffee again after he handed Matteo the painting and is now taking a sip* *smiles at Matteo’s words an into the kiss that he receives* *is happy that Matteo likes it because it was a lot of fun for him to draw it and to remember that evening* *laughs quietly when Matteo says that he wants to get a frame for it but then gets serious again when Matteo mentions his present for him* *shakes his head* You don’t have to give me any presents… *points at the drawing* I only made this because… I thought it would be nice to not only have this memory in my sketchbook… that’s nothing… not much… *is already embarrassed because he feels like Matteo really planned this and he only remembered it by accident* *puts his coffee down when Matteo reaches for something and then accepts the little box* *murmurs a quiet “thanks�� even before opening the box* *slowly opens it and has to smile automatically when he sees the button with his own picture from Instagram* *but then notices that there’s more and takes the button out to look at it more closely* *reads the words and gets a small lump in his throat when he remembers their conversation about fate and how much his own opinion on that topic has changed since then* *swallows to somehow get rid of the lump and pulls Matteo toward him* *kisses him briefly, wraps his arms around him and hides his face in his neck* *murmurs* Thank you! *has to smile into his neck and adds* I think we did something pretty cool with it…

Matteo: *shakes his head when David plays the painting down* Oh man, you’re really being impossible today… *then watches him a little insecurely when he opens the box* *doesn’t know if he’ll like the line about fate and if it was okay for him to use his post* *is glad when David seems to like it and kisses him happily* *wraps his arm around him and kisses his head* *smiles slightly* You’re welcome… *laughs a little and nods* I think so, too… *leans back again and simply pulls David with him* *thinks a little more and pushes his thoughts around and then quietly says* You know…when I saw you for the first time, when you only walked past me… that was somehow… there already was something… and until then I always thought that this would only happen in movies or so… but somehow… that was fate… but everything that came afterwards… and I really mean everything, that was us, that was real and wild and hurt and was wonderful and simply… everything. So yes, I think we did something absolutely cool with it.

David: *holds onto the button when Matteo leans back and pulls him with him* *leans against him and happily looks at the button again before wrapping an arm around Matteo* *listens to him and has to smile because he didn’t know that Matteo also remembers their first run-in in the hallway* *finds it strange to hear that Matteo also felt like the moment was somehow special and not like any other because so far, he had always thought that he’d only persuaded himself to think that* *grins slightly when he says that this was fate* *still doesn’t really like the thought of fate but gets closer to doing so whenever it’s about Matteo and thinks that Matteo might be right while he keeps listening to him* *beams at his description even when he gets a small lump in his throat again when he thinks about everything they have been through* *at the end nods and squeezes Matteo to him* *thinks about his words for a while and eventually quietly says* Maybe I was a little too hard on fate… I always thought that it wanted to take something from me… my free will and my own decisions… but… maybe all this time it didn’t have any ill-intend, after all… the thing with us… that was really only us and in the end it all made sense… as if fate had already known exactly where this would lead to even back then in the hallway at school… *grins slightly and absentmindedly runs a hand over Matteo’s chest and stomach*

Matteo: *listens to David and has to smile automatically* I think it’s a mix… that fate gives you a nudge but if you go or how you go that’s still your decision… *kisses his hair again and squeezes him slightly* *thinks about their first meeting, about everything that came afterwards, about his attempts to get into contact with him, to spend some time with him and eventually their first kiss* *nudges him slightly* Can I ask you something? *sees him nod and continues* If you actually didn’t want to get to know anyone… didn’t want all of this… why did you run away with me? At Abdi’s birthday? You could have said no…

David: *nods slightly when Matteo talks about it probably being a mixture of fate and own decisions and hums in agreement* *enjoys being close to Matteo and comfortably being in bed and that after the turbulences on the weekend it’s now calm and safe and nice again between them* *looks up at Matteo when he nudges him, smiles and nods* *laughs quietly at his question and thinks for a moment* Hmmm… eventually there was a point when it came to you where I simply thought “screw this!... Just let it happen”… even after such a short time I wanted to get to know you so badly that somehow nothing else mattered… *absentmindedly runs a hand along Matteo’s side and remembers* And because I had been thinking about the neon party all week long… and that we almost kissed and somehow… *laughs quietly* …I think I somehow wanted to finish it… the kiss. I was curious if we’d actually go through with it… *briefly kisses his chest and says a little more serious* And when I saw you at Abdi’s party I remembered that you said that everything was fucking you up at the moment… *hesitates briefly and adds a little quieter* I was concerned… or worried… I don’t know… I wanted you to be okay. *grins slightly* I think if you’d asked me if I wanted to move to another country with you, I’d probably have agreed…

Matteo: *laughs quietly when David says “screw it”* Screw it is good, we should have said that more often… *continues to listen to him and absentmindedly runs a hand up and down David’s arm* *laughs again when he says that he was curious* *murmurs* I was also curious… *then grimaces slightly* *wasn’t really in the best mood during Abdi’s party or rather during the preparations* *laughs slightly* You wanted me to be okay? And then you thought a derelict building with an empty pool would be exactly the right environment? *laughs slightly and then softly says* Loon… *smiles at his last words* If only I’d known… *looks down at him and kisses his forehead*

David: *grins when Matteo mentions the derelict building and slightly pinches him in his side* Hey, at least it took your mind off things… *shrugs slightly* Besides… I really did want to go there for some time… I had seen pictures of it online and had been on the property a few times but I never dared to go into the building… at least not on my own… *grins again* So I thought… a Matteo as a protective shield would probably come in handy… *smiles when Matteo kisses his forehead, looks up at him, puts a hand to his cheek to pull him down to get a proper kiss* *sighs quietly and stretches a little* Hmmm… where would we have moved to if you’d known it? *grins slightly and turns away from Matteo for a moment to grab his coffee from the nightstand* *takes a sip, puts the mug down on Matteo’s chest and puts his head back on his shoulder*

Matteo: *looks at him fake-aghast* You only used me? As a protective shield? I’m shocked! *but then smiles into the kiss* *hums slightly at his question* Well, probably to Detroit… after all, I have to impress you… *holds David’s mug with his free hand and then also takes a sip* Or maybe to Amsterdam as a start… or some city with a port and then we’ll stowaway on some boat… *grins slightly and shakes his head* Actually, it doesn’t matter… an empty pool was also pretty exciting…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo acts aghast and again when he mentions Detroit* *murmurs* One day we’ll surely get there… *grins about Amsterdam* At least that would be more realistic than Detroit… *takes the mug back from Matteo and also takes a sip* *nods about the pool and then smiles slightly* By the way, there are more abandoned pools in Berlin… maybe we should check them out one day… *pushes one leg between Matteo’s and is silent for a moment before asking* And what about you? Why did you ask me if I wanted to run away? Only to get away from Sara and Leonie? Or did you also think a little bit about an interrupted kiss?

Matteo: *nods slightly* Yes, one day… *listens to him* Really? Is this going to be our thing? Exploring abandoned pools? *moves his leg a little more against David’s* *laughs slightly at his question* No way, I never thought about you… never… *shakes his head and squeezes him a little tighter* It was also a total coincidence that I got into a fight with Sara as soon as you showed up… *but then swallows and is quiet for a moment* From the moment we first talked to each other I basically constantly tried to spend time with you… especially after the neon party… but… you didn’t answer or were taciturn… but I think before Abdi’s party… I also felt a little like “screw it”… I did know how shitty it is of me to just take off…

David: *laughs and nods at the thing with the pools* Why not!? Or is that too much exercise for you? *grins* I can do research beforehand to find out how many fences we have to climb… *pffs at Matteo’s words and tries to fake sulkily moving away from him but Matteo squeezes him closer against him* *plays along and says* Yes, somehow I seem to have this aura that everybody starts to fight with their girlfriends as soon as I show up… *grins but is silent when Matteo doesn’t say anything* *empties his coffee and briefly leans over to put it back on the nightstand before taking his position on Matteo’s shoulder again and wrapping an arm around him* *listens to Matteo and nods at his last words* *quietly says* True – that wasn’t the nicest thing to do… *smiles slightly and adds* But I’m glad that we both didn’t care in that moment… *searches for Matteo’s hand and entwines their fingers* *strokes his thumb over his hand a little and then pulls Matteo’s hand to his mouth to kiss it before he sighs and says* I’m sorry that I was so taciturn… or didn’t answer… whenever we didn’t see each other… I somehow only had thoughts and doubts and fears… and my mind always told me to keep you at a distance… and whenever we saw each other… then my mind was usually quiet and everything was somehow… good.

Matteo: *pffs a little but then grins* No, no, I’ll manage… *then laughs slightly* Oh, really, that happens to other people as well? Who else has started to fight with their girlfriend because you showed up? *moves his arm when David moves but immediately pulls David back to him* *slightly nudges his hair with his nose* *shakes his head slightly* No it wasn’t… but it doesn’t matter… *plays with David’s fingers until he pulls his hand to his mouth* *smiles slightly at the kiss* *then listens to him and gets more serious as well* *would like to tell him that it wasn’t so bad, that he understands* *and even though it’s true that he understands he also remembers too well how much he himself has doubted things during this time, how he replayed their meetings in his head over and over to find out if he had said anything stupid or somehow did something wrong* *carefully says* It… wasn’t so easy… I always thought that I somehow screwed up… but, you know… somebody once said – I think it was Jonas, or Hans? Well, doesn’t matter, anyways he said whenever love is created it always hurts a little in the beginning… and even though that might be a little pathetic there’s also some truth to it…

David: *grins and waves a dismissive hand to the thing with the aura* Oh, you don’t know any of them* *nods hesitantly when Matteo says that the situation back then wasn’t really easy* *on the one hand thinks it’s great that he’s so honest about it and doesn’t downplay it saying that it wasn’t that bad but on the other hand realizes how much he had hurt Matteo because of his fear* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s quote and murmurs* Sounds more like Hans than Jonas… *sighs quietly and shrugs before answering* I don’t know. It shouldn’t hurt in my romantic, sappy imagination… everything should be perfect there, shouldn’t it? *squeezes Matteo a little closer without letting go of his hand* *hesitantly says* I know, now in hindsight it doesn’t help you but… you didn’t screw up anything. I think what you did was exactly the right thing… so that I… *grimaces slightly because he can’t really explain it well and stops before he starts again* Even back then you showed me that you care about me – no matter how stupid I acted… you kept trying to stay in contact… *briefly presses his lips together, looks up at him and says* I’m sorry that I’ve made things so difficult for you… but… I’m really grateful that you were so persistent…

Matteo: *nods slightly* True… probably it was Hans… *smiles slightly when he talks about his sappy imagination and squeezes his hand a little* It is now, isn’t it? *looks down at him while he talks and once again feels the words go directly to his heart, somehow as if they were a coat in which he can wrap himself up in* *smiles honestly when he looks up at him* I’m sorry that society is so crappy that we still have to come out… and be afraid of the reactions… *strokes his hand over David’s arm and smiles* Somehow it’s strange that you thank me for that… I… I wasn’t really thinking about it… or maybe I did, but not in a way that I thought you’d thank me in the end… *grimaces because he can’t really explain his thoughts* It wasn’t really planned as a big deed or something like that… you don’t owe it to me to thank me… I already got the best reward there is… *grins slightly*

David: *smiles slightly when he apologizes for society and shrugs* There are all kinds of societies… in Lychen society really sucked… but here… I think it’s more the experiences that you’ve made that cause you to be afraid… *laughs quietly while Matteo philosophizes about gratitude and stretches a little to kiss his chin, to cover up his embarrassment when Matteo refers to him as the best reward* Maybe it was special exactly because you weren’t expecting me to thank you… *shuffles a little upward to kiss him more comfortably and murmurs* For me it was a big deed… *runs a hand through his hair and kisses him again* *grins slightly* Can we stop being sappy now and make out instead?

Matteo: *shrugs* *thinks that at first he didn’t want to come out here and to him either* *but drops it for now* *smiles when David says that it was special because he wasn’t expecting him to thank him* *puts his hand in David’s hair and plays with a few strands* *kisses him back and grins* That’s the main thing… *laughs at his question and nods enthusiastically* Absolutely! *kisses him and lets go of his hand to wrap his other arm around him as well* *leaves the other one in his hair while he deepens the kiss*

David: *grins into the kiss when Matteo agrees to making out but then gets serious again and deepens the kiss* *sighs quietly when Matteo wraps his arm around him and scoots even closer to him so that he’s lying half on top of him* *tenderly runs a hand over his neck, his cheek, his temple and through his hair and after a moment forgets everything else around him – there’s only Matteo and being close to him and the incredible feeling of happiness that they really have been together for an entire month*

(next play)

#druck #druck og #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #davenzi #davenzi plays

10 notes · View notes

coraxaviary · 3 years

Text

✯ 2020 in Review ✯

So I saw some other people doing these Year in Review things??? I already did one for my art blog but why not for my fic blog? I’m going to make one too because it’s December 31 and I’ve got nothing to do except drink too much sikhye.

Technically it’s kinda a half-year-of-review because I started writing actual things in June after I got off my college waitlists, and I actually started publishing in August.

I also have these memories of having to log off the Minecraft server I shared with my friends in the early summer, being like “sorry guys gotta do my wordcount today” wow I was so dedicated ?????? I’m not like that now fortunately (or unfortunately).

This review is also unwarranted, but it’s my blog anyway, ha~

2020 word count grand total: 239,662

This is amazing considering all other years of my existence together probably total less than this. I guess I finally just started writing this year. I also feel like there’s maybe a 50% increase in the grand total if you take into account the words in my various planning documents and summary sheets.

Of these words, I published 88,636 (all on AO3).

I don’t think anyone is super interested in my wordcount breakdowns, but I felt like doing a little more analysis since this is technically the first year I wrote anything of substance with a clear goal. I’m kind of shocked at how much I published.

Of my grand total, 165,029 words go to HBO War.

I’m thankful to this fandom for drawing me out of my shell. This was the first time I actually put out material online. It was a fortunate decision. I’ve made good friends and met amazing people. I’ve also developed my writing voice beyond where it had stagnated for years.

I wrote 74,633 words of non-HBO War material. 66,275 of these are from a MGiME LotR draft that I hope to sometime start posting in the future.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I dedicated my waking hours to that fic. It hasn’t been modified for a while, but the process of writing it really taught me the dedication (and joy) of making multichapter stories. And there were many late nights where I was combing Parf Edhellen, if that gives you a sense of the level of immersion I was attempting with this story.

7,838 words this year went to my non-fanfic total.

I’ve been dedicated to a certain science fantasy novel concept since my Freshman year of high school, and I’m slowly working on it, even though most of the material still exists in sketches, maps, character sheets, and checklists. Surprise, surprise, I’m a huge sci-fi/fantasy nerd. Most of the work I did for it isn’t on the wordcount total, but it was still substantial. It’s something I hope to publish someday, but for now my focus is on fic :)

My AO3 stats tell me that I gained:

Kudos: 91

Comment threads: 38

Bookmarks: 22

Hits: 1420 (nice)

And I am so grateful for a great year, y’all. Hoping for an equally awesome and productive 2021. And thank you for reading my amateurish writing. I hope I improve a lot :)

#I SPEAK #not writing #year in review

7 notes · View notes

roninreverie · 3 years

Text

2020 Creator’s Self-Love Extravaganza!!

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Thank you @findswoman for the tag!

Let’s see... 2020... what am I most proud of from this year???

---

1. Jacen Syndulla Sketch Dump #1 (January 25, 2020)

[Link]

The first of 5 massive sketch dumps for Jacen Syndulla. I used so...many...references... but it really helped me figure out my colors, shadows, and anatomy, plus I got really good at drawing hair even if his nose is different in every other panel. Plus, it’s just fun to have a little more Jacen out there since SW hasn’t given us any crumbs to go off of for like... 3 years.

---

2. She-Ra Mini-Comic (May 29, 2020)

[Link]

Right after She-Ra ended, I had this idea/ dream about Queen Angela and time travel, plus I like drawing Hordak, and thus this comic was born! It was well received which made me SUPER happy, plus I did all of the backgrounds from scratch which is something I usually Frankenstein together, so I am especially proud of that.

---

3. Keston John’s “Kiss the Girl” Hordak Animatic (June 21, 2020)

[Link]

Still running high on She-Ra finale fumes, I discovered Hordak’s voice actor, Keston John, had a Youtube page where he sang a few songs from the Little Mermaid. Well... my Entrapdak shipper ears heard a great animatic video, and thus weeks of drawing frame by frame on a Photoshop timeline ensued! I spent so long making this, and it was also well-received making it all worth it! I love how complimentary She-ra style is to my style and I was able to play with so many hairstyles for the clones! This was my first-ever music animation and will always have a special place in my heart! (Plus I posted it the day before my birthday, so reading all the tags and comments the next day was really nice!)

---

4. Relaxing Beach Day (July 17, 2020)

[Link]

After the Jacen Sketch Dumps did so well, I eventually ran out of ideas and asked some of my closest mutuals for more ideas. This is when @the-porg-apprentice mentioned a “beach day”. This was the first fanart I did with a new shadow/ light combo, and a color change over all the black lines. I was really proud how it turned out. I did a few more pieces like that, like the Tharin/Ezra piece and the Ash Dispersal Pattern band art.

---

5. “A Burden Worth Sharing” (August 26, 2020)

[Link]

I wanted to include at least one fanfiction in this list, and I think my first Zouxie piece beats even the “Uncharted Stars TROS bonus story” because not only did it do REALLY well, but I received so many lovely comments, one even coming from Tenyai herself, which sent me on an adrenalin fueled stupor for all of work that Friday.

---

6. Douxie’s Scar, Mini-Comic (September 13, 2020)

[Link]

The thousands of questions left inside me after watching Wizards sent me on a TOA binge HARDCORE! So hard in fact that I made an ENTIRE COMIC based on one theory I had on how Douxie got his scar, mixed with a line from the Trollhunter’s artbook (that I don’t even think made it into the show?). I tried a new style for this comic without using outlines at all, and I like how it turned out, even if I am not 100% sure I like how the text bubbles fit in. Adding text is like the worst thing I can do to myself and I usually never like how I do it!

---

7. The Hex (Tech) Girls (October 12, 2020)

[Link]

Another wordplay correlation in my brain sent me on a days-long animatic project again in the Photoshop Timeline. This one got less views than I had hoped, but I still watch it from time to time and am still pretty proud of it given the limits I had with frame by frame and the fact I suck at drawing guitars. It gave me a lot of practice drawing Zoe at least, and that really came in handy for future projects.

---

8. Douxie’s Guitar (October 13, 2020)

[Link]

Posted the literal day after the Hex (Tech) Girls animation, this one was mostly a joke and only took like an afternoon to draw, but it got over 300 notes! I think that is the most notes on any of my Wizards content so far? I was really proud of how they turned out given the simplicity of the doodles, and I especially liked that it was so well-received. It kind of shaped some of my sketch dumps after that and sometimes I stick to this style when I don’t feel like coloring.

---

Bonus shoutout to the Douxie Fashion Walk Through the Centuries, which I want to do better and add more Zoe to one of these days, and also to the Ash Dispersal Pattern art (which was my first step into making TOA fanart).

---

I am going to spread the love since this made me feel WAY more productive about my year, and I will tag: @the-porg-apprentice @dreamsarelikedragonflies @fandomsunderthesun @blixeon @mandaloriandragontrainer @prismarts @racheldrawsdaily and @minniethemoocherda plus anyone else who would like to reflect. No Pressure!

#roninreverie #long post #2020 #in reflection #I guess I did a lot of art this year didn't I?#And I got 1000 followers this week #Not too shabby for such a crap year lol #this isnt showing up in any tags because of the A03 link but that's okay!

7 notes · View notes

dishwashingrat · 4 years

Text

A look back

Rok se s rokem sešel... and here we are, 1st January 2020.

First and foremost I wish to all of you a good luck in the next year and most importantly stay healthy.

As this is my very first year in this community and RWBY fandom I thought it’d be nice to share a quick look at how things were in 2019.

A lot of things happened this year for me and I’m not afraid to say, ever in my life.

RWBY V6 ended and I found myself being very interested in the show. As I was at the same time hobby artist, working on a webtoon, I decided to put these two together and draw something from the show, which was my very first post here.

(jesus christ) To my surprise this post got extra attention. Well maybe it wasn’t too much... but until then I was using instagram where I was content with my 100 followers and 30 likes on post, so when this post gained over 2 thousand notes and in a single night I gained over 200 followers I was... very shocked.

I never used this site before so I didn’t know how things here works, but I assumed as long as I post some art, there are people who will see it. And so I did.

At the start of the year I was still in highschool, last 4th grade, preparing for finals. And because you have only 3 chances to do them, I was very stressed out and anxious about it months before.

In February I posted little bit more, reblogged art and stuff, maybe even commented on posts. Got to know the page a little bit more. Then I posted another art, that to my ever again surprise, brought again too much attention.

(It’s a moment from Kyoukai no Kanata for those who are interested.)

I also enjoyed my schools ball that is hosted for every 4th years, months before their finals.

March and April went by and I found myself at a kinda fucked up situation in May. May is month of finals, and I wasn’t prepared... like at all.

I had nothing ready, knew nothing, read nothing. It was so bad that even in the day of finals, I didn’t have all the materials I needed and I was just praying I won’t choose that topic, because if I’d... I’d fail.

Thankfully, English lang. in school never really bothered me so that got an extra pass. For Czech lang. I picked the ONLY BOOK from 20 I read and knew about. Extra lucky I know, I know, pass. For Economics and Accounting I’m to this day thankful to our 2 teachers, who... were more like friends, and helped me (and my classmates) through the finals.

All in all, I passed and succesfully finished highschool. peepohappy

Then I had for June, July and August holidays. I also used them to do my driving license, which I sucessfully passed and got in September, how idk.

Throughout these months I was also actively trying to find a job, because I wasn’t much interested in university as my other friends. And as I was at home, I also drew... a lot. It’s also the time when my account grew the most and somehow people started knowing me by my nickname, hah cute.

In August also, I started using Twitter, yay. I’m still not that active here as I post only finished pieces, but I’m active in commenting stuff... and getting callouts from people ahah.

In October I found a job, yay. I was just happy I could do something that wasn’t laying in bed. Even though I am grateful for this job and that I can at least save some money, I also realize how much it damages me. From health problems, to social problems. Which is also why I decided for 2020 to go and continue to study at University. I will have to pass exams and stuff and if that works out, then I’ll have to wait till October, but I will try.

This year was also the year where I came out to my family and later to you guys, which I am grateful for.

I also met a lot of awesome people this year in this community, which I am also glad for.

November went by together with new Volume of RWBY and so did December, where I celebrated my 20th birthday.

I do know I’m not as active as I was in the middle of 2019, but I also know there are people who still enjoy the little bit of sketches and shit I post from time to time. I also started expressing my opinions on stuff in the show and community, which you can disagree on, but it’s still my opinion nontheless.

For the end.. I know I didn’t say a single thing about Bees... but ... do I even have to?

I started with Bees and I stayed with them whole year. I liked couples in shows before, of course. But I got never so invested in a romance as much as I did with Blake and Yang.

Big ball of sunshine and a smol beauty cat-bean, what else do you need?

For this year I’d like to thank all of you, for following me, supporting me and making my days better. And I wish us all great year 2020 !

🦀 Also Adam is gone. 🦀

#kusnilive

106 notes · View notes

pompamaroon · 4 years

Text

2019: A Year of Ups and Downs

In this post, I will go over some reasoning as to why 2019 was a slow year in terms of providing content or updating my tumblr profiles, and how I was feeling. Most will be seeing this coming from either SHSL Scans and/or my Manlyronpa profile. This is not a necessary read, but it will also go into why my interest in the Danganronpa series was at an all time low and despite a burning passion, I overall just gave up on the fandom and community for awhile.

My year started off quite strong, with my occupation changing from something draining to something that allowed me to build a career and have new opportunities. This was definitely the high point of my year, and I was even able to save up enough to take a trip to see someone I had grown close to across the country, something I’d only dreamed of up to this point. However, during the trip, I found myself in awe of the location and in awe of the presence of the person I went to visit. They are truly one-of-a-kind and always know how to make me smile just with their company alone. In comparison though, I felt I just could not stand beside them. Personally, I felt I was a 180 in about every way to this person and I still feel this way. It was a bitter sweet feeling, and by the time I left, I got the feeling that I’d truly given it my best, and I would have to push aside the feelings I had for this person. I attempted to set aside these feelings by devoting myself to my career which was honestly a great escape. Not only did I have a dream job, my co-workers were great to work with and bounce banter off. Additionally my managers and supervisor all had great senses of humor and I truly felt welcome to my position, resulting in a comrade dynamic that is very rare in the work force. Thanks to this boost in motivation at work, I actually managed to be able to consistently pay and commission for things. This is where I first encountered some issues with the DR fanbase. Admittedly, I had commissioned some adult works and the material in these works made it obvious it was me who asked for them, or inspired others to get them. Around late may/early June, I ended up reaching out to some SFW work artists because I wanted to commission something a bit more wholesome involving favorites, however due to my notoriety of my earlier commissions, 2 artists turned me down as they were either not interested or did not want to be associated with NSFW artists and another artist ghosted me. It was admittedly a bit of a weird situation to deal with, but overall I felt discouraged. Additionally, the NSFW artists I had commissioned before also were not interested in drawing anything further, and so I ultimately had nowhere to go with my ideas. While I understood being turned down is completely in the artists right, I felt that my ideas were just bad, which lead to me feeling like what I enjoyed about the DR series or wanted to see from the DR series was wrong altogether. I sat down and seriously thought about it and realized that despite everything I had done to contribute to the community, that ultimately, there were no real connections made with anyone. The people I had worked with in terms of manga had either stolen my raws, or spoke negatively about other contributors(something I was also guilty of) or even in a surprising case with a certain person, just ended up leaving with out a word! In the middle of nearing completion of a large project as well! Out of everyone I’ve ever met thanks to DR, there are only 2 people I’ve consistently continued to talk with on a somewhat daily-basis. The rest ultimately just cast me aside in various ways, leaving me feeling alienated further and like I just was not going to fit into the community no matter what I tried or what I did. I did get a lot of messages from people of course, but most were reaching out for where they could find more DR manga or what they could get from me. Eventually, I got so frustrated with it, I decided to just not do anything else in the DR fandom. I no longer felt a need to be exceedingly contributing to it or seeing it grow further, and so, after literally pulling out all the stops, the final V3 anthology release was the last thing DR related I dared to even open for a long time. I really wish that the completion of that anthology series could’ve been something more optimistic, but it just ended on a sour note for me feeling very resentful towards the fandom and community. So I shifted to doing manga I personally enjoyed, and just actually reading manga which ended up being fun! It was awesome indulging in stuff that made me happy and while it was not as popular as the DR stuff I released, I didn’t care. I wanted to treat myself. Once completed(and even during the process) though, I did have an annoying unsatisfactory feeling that I had so much DR manga unfinished. So with a new fire in me, I tackled the manga again, completing the Genocider Mode manga as I was close to completing it but also had promised someone like, 5 years+ ago that I’d complete it. After that, there was a lot of silence, but not because I had lost interested. Instead it was around the end of August and I was in peak form. I wasn’t just killing it at work, I was going all out with the DR1 Anthologies. I had started working on them in early 2018, however, there was just a large demand for V3 stuff, so I was mostly working on that. I was on a hot streak until early November, when one of my close higher ups was let go. This completely fractured our team and we were all getting divided up as our company began to slowly change. This was a huge shock for me as the high points of my days were going to work, and those were slowly being phased out. My friends at the time also were busy with work and this left me alone for a looong time. This sent me into a depression that I could just not dig myself out of. Of course, I still functioned and went to work, but with no feeling of social connection with anyone inside or outside of work, I felt no reason to continue my work on the anthology. I had completely given up and there were only 3 stories left to work too. This went on until January of 2020, when the new year started and I had received a promotion at my work due to my continued perseverance and growth. Since then, we’ve received lots of good news at work even with the epidemic going on, and concerning the Danganronpa series, I found my fire being lit anew. Of course, I’m anxious and worried, especially after DR3 and DRV3 failed to impress me, however with both the creators and devs wanting to give off the feeling of a “Class Reunion” for DR’s anniversary, I’m feeling excited that regardless of what we get, it will be something familiar and hopeful and like DR1 inspired me to truly take steps forward, I’m hoping the major game they announce will help me reconnect with those feelings of wanting to just move forward and not let my previous experiences to go to waste. I’m more than ready to give it my all to make this anniversary great as possible too by releasing as much manga as possible, even if it is just by myself. I truly do enjoy the series and am thankful for the few good things it was able to bring into my life by getting me out of the dark place I was in before I played it and this will hopefully be the year I can truly convey that.

#Yaz's stuff

15 notes · View notes

dvp95 · 4 years

Text

creator tag meme 2019!

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

thanks for the tag @obsessivelymoody & @waveydnp !!!

this is the first year since 2013 that i’ve felt in any way confident and motivated in my writing. a lot happened in my personal life in the years between then and now, and i don’t want to get into that. let’s just say that this is the first year i’ve felt safe and generally happy in a long, long time. i either haven’t written at all in those years or i’ve focused on one project for so long that it morphs into something else entirely (looking at you, don’t complicate it, which i started in early january of 2017 and didn’t post until june, and you can see me trying to catch up with their move and other aspects of their life as i desperately wanted to keep it canon compliant) but something about dnp being open with us and the community i found here really revved my engine (maybe too much? we know how close i got to actual burnout). i wouldn’t change it for the world.

boring intro over! let’s talk about the things i’m fucking proud of creating!

1. still the best, more or less

come on, you knew i’d say this. even though i’m taking a break from even thinking about amnesia au until it no longer makes me want to scream into a pillow, i can’t deny that this is the easiest decision on the list. i am so extremely happy with the way i took a trope that’s often overdramatized and turned it into something bittersweet and domestic, based in reality, and extremely personal to me. i really pride myself on writing complicated subjects in small, simple chunks, like hacking away at some marble until you as a reader can understand exactly what i’m conveying, and i think amnesia verse is the best example of that.

2. can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve

this is the longest thing i’ve ever written, and the speed that i wrote it is actually terrifying in retrospect (for me! i’m NOT a quick writer, usually!), but that’s not the only reason i’m so happy with this lil monster. what started as a really simple concept of, “hey, i bet that phil would have just posted that five second coming out video ages ago in a different timeline”, turned into something extremely sweet and surprisingly funny! i’m happy with the original characters i included and so thrilled with the pacing of how i handled dan’s acceptance of himself. it’s just.... my baby. this is my baby.

3. good for you, good for you

stepping outside my comfort zone for this one. i needed a lot of reassurance that i could do something shamelessly kinky, and i don’t really think i managed that - it’s absolutely smut, no question about it, and it’s shameless, but shameless in the way that things become when you trust your partner with everything about yourself. the give and take of control is so interesting to me in terms of dnp, and i would absolutely love to talk about it a bunch more!! i think i probably spent more time making this comfortable and full of communication than i spent making it sexy, but i’m happy with that breakdown. i don’t believe kink can exist without trust and communication, and i’m happy that it resonated with so many of you!

4. giving you my forever

this is probably the fluffiest of fluff, for me. obviously i had to be a little funny as well, because that’s where i’m most comfortable right now, but all the proposal fics from japhan content were making me so soft-hearted and i absolutely needed to get my own take in a google doc as soon as i possibly could. i had this whole concept in my head where phil was right, but then all the logistics came crashing down around my ears and i was like, y’know what would make even more sense? i don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it. give it a shot!

5. Memories (co-written with @intoapuddle)

i love puddle, i love working with puddle, and i love this story we crafted together in like three hours. reading it back, i’m really really happy with the way our styles work together. i don’t think it’s obvious when one of us started writing and when the other stopped, and honestly we barely edited it. i told puddle we were drift-compatible after this, and i think our affection for dnp and their nostalgia and banter was really able to shine through our styles complementing each other so well. ferris wheels, jokes you can’t help making, an undercurrent of Love in every action - this is good. we did good. you should read it.

thank you, if you read any of these or even read this far in the list, haha. i hope to make 2020 a more well-rounded year in terms of self care and balance, but i also hope to keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone with things like collabs and kinks and multi-chapter slow burns. i hope you’ll stick around for it <3

i’d like to tag @karcathy, @chickenfreeblog, @intoapuddle, @jestbee, @judearaya, @throwing-roses-into-the-abyss, @blue-draws-dnp, @cactilads, @watergator, and @calvinahobbes!!!

#tag meme #do not lose #long post #daye talks

23 notes · View notes

goodnessmarygrace · 4 years

Text

Hi, my name is Mary Grace and I’m new to Tumblr. I made this blog because nobody I know has Tumblr, so it feels like I can be more open about my struggles without drawing attention to myself. Anyways, here goes nothing. This is my story thus far. It’s a long one, so buckle up!

I was diagnosed with POTS last month after two increasingly difficult and perplexing years. You could think of me as being sorta athletic and very ambitious normally if you like. I’m a perfectionist and I have anxiety. I began really feeling and noticing the POTS symptoms about two years ago. For a year, I just always assumed I was out of shape or everybody felt the same way and I was just being a wimp. I was super tired all the time and would get very dizzy with standing up and running. I would get spotty vision and feel the familiar “hot ice” feeling you get when you might faint. These symptoms were not incredibly severe or anything, so I just always hid them so that people wouldn’t label me as “dramatic” or “lazy.” I played basketball, softball, ran track, did marching band, football cheer-leading, scholar bowl, FCA, and FCCLA at the time of the onset of symptoms. I always assumed that I was just stressed out or had a really bad cold and it was nothing to give a second thought about. If anything, hiding my symptoms made me feel like I was in control or tough.

Another thing you must know about me to understand my story is I am a Christian and Jesus plays a big part in my life each and every day. Come summer 2019, I was a helper/counselor at the 5th and 6th grade week at the local Church Camp. That’s when some things really clicked for me spiritually. I realized that my life had been fairly easy. I have a loving family, live in an awesome community, have been blessed with friends and talents all my life, and for the most part, I’d been healthy and hadn’t had to deal with many terrible things. Most of all, I’m free to live for and worship my LORD and Savior.

It’s a life that many crave and would give anything to have. But that week at Church Camp initiated a thought process in me. I realized I had never really depended on GOD because everything in my life had seemed so... easy I guess. I was incredibly thankful for my life, but there came a time when I realized that I didn’t really live by faith or trust or hope. I didn’t completely even understand what they mean! How can you live for GOD without knowing what it is like to completely trust Him with every aspect of your life? My life story was (yes, comfortable and safe) but also a bit empty. It was shallow where it could be deep. And after lots of prayer and some soul searching, I realized my story was shallow because I had hardly ever struggled. So then I began praying dangerously. I asked (or begged) GOD to break me if He had to.

And oh my, He sure answered that one. The symptoms got worse, but I didn’t think much of them considering I had quit (or retired (; ) from softball. (There’s a whole separate story to why I quit softball that I just can’t possibly fit in this post. It was a big developmental step in my life and something that I still am learning from.) I assumed I was just getting out of shape and I should exercise and live healthier. More water, more sleep, better food, etc. Running was getting harder and harder. I was always exhausted, which I blamed on stress and lack of good sleep. Basketball season is what really did it in for me. The first real “attack” or “episode” happened during conditioning week. I almost fainted. I got a migraine and was so dizzy that I couldn’t walk straight. My vision was seriously messed up and that “hot ice” feeling you get before passing out kept washing over me. (I had passed out/ almost passed out before this but always blamed it on being squeamish or something else unconcerning.) I eventually sucked up my pride and told my coach, “I gotta lie down!” It was humiliating. I used to be able to run like nobody’s business. I mean, some people were jealous of my exercising capabilities. It seemed like my fault since I had quit softball and seemingly was so out of shape that I almost passed out. I felt like a quitter. There was so much shame and guilt. I must have forgotten it was actually an answer to my prayers.

The season progressed and I repeatedly had to lie down when it came to conditioning and running. It didn’t help that I got mono for the second time in my life that winter (no, not from kissing) and was so stubborn that I refused to stay home or go to the doctor. I had mono, pharyngitis, and a double ear infection for months, but I didn’t want to rest because I thought people would think I was lazy. We began trying to figure out why I would get the POTS symptoms as well, because my mom started to think that something really was going on. In the end, we decided to blame it on blood sugar. I told people I was hypoglycemia. I brought juice to basketball practice, and when I would drink it, I would trick myself into thinking that I felt better because I was sick of having no idea what was going on.

Finally, when basketball season was wrapping up and track season was beginning, I began believing that maybe I wasn’t “just out of shape.” I had been running and exercising for months, but I still had my POTS symptoms. I was praying and trying really really hard to get past the shame and be grateful for my struggles. The thing is, I LOVE track (and was pretty good at it too.) Running and racing has always been, dare I say, fun for me. I was really looking forward to the first practice of the season. My dreams were crushed to say the least. After running the first 400 meters of a mile, I nearly fainted again. I finished the mile, but was not doing so hot. I remember all my teammates and coaches staring at me with worry and surprise. I was so embarrassed. The headache from it didn’t go away until I went to bed that night. What made things worse, was I still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Doctors said “blood sugar?”, “asthma?”, “hormones?”, “anxiety?”, “arrhythmia?”, “stress?”. When people asked, I didn’t have a definite answer, so just I listed all of my symptoms and the possible diagnoses. I got tired of that real quick.

Now that my track season was in jeopardy, I decided that we really needed to figure out what was happening to me. My mom said to take it easy at practice, but I didn’t want to look “lazy.” (You can tell that my mind runs in a useless circle around the concepts of weak and lazy.) I told my coaches that I needed to take it easy, but then just continued to go hard as I could. I mentally could not get past the mindset I had adopted. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t trying and I was making things up, so without really noticing it, I told myself that it was in fact all in my head and I was weak. Then came the pandemic.

This is becoming way too long, so I’m going to continue it in a part 2. It sounds crazy, but I’m actually pretty thankful for the mess I’ve been through. More explanation later, but I know there is some growth happening in me that never would have begun if I hadn’t gotten these struggles. GOD has shown me so much through these experiences and He’s made room in my busy schedule for the things that actually matter in life. I don’t chase people’s opinions or expectations so much anymore and have learned to be kinder to myself. Again, this blog is kind of going to be like a way to figure some things out and hopefully become part of the community of people who’ve gone or are going through similar experiences. Maybe then I’ll even be able to help someone else in return.

-Mary Grace

June 4, 2020

#potsie #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #my story #jesus is the answer #christianity #a written testimony #break me #savedbygrace #POTS

3 notes · View notes

all-or-nothing-baby · 5 years

Text

My Personal Journey to The Land of Pan (But not Neverland. Or wherever that Greek God of The Wild lives.)

I'm Lucy and I used to think I was a Lesbian.

My first kiss was at seven years old, with a girl. When we were alone, we'd kiss and be affectionate and hold hands. After a while, I asked her, "Why do we only do these things when nobody else is around?" and also, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" She answered "No, don't be stupid. It's wrong and we shouldn't be doing it anyway. And I don't want to do it anymore."

I was gutted and didn't understand.

The next four people I kissed were girls. Each of them eventually said similar things.

I still didn't understand.

What was even more confusing to me was I knew I liked boys too. The first person I'd wanted to kiss was a boy with dark hair that hung in his bluer-than-blue eyes. I was at nursery school (kindergarten). Age, it seemed really wasn't a thing. I could like boys and girls my own age but also felt attraction to much older people.

So, I thought, what does all this make me? Different? Yes. A freak? Maybe. Except I didn't really feel like a freak (not for these reasons, at least.) The only thing that actually worried me was my family. I was brought up pretty strict Catholic. I never believed in God but was scared of the things said in the bible - even if I knew it was horseshit - because they believed it. I feared my parents would think I was broken or something. So, I kept schtum.

It was in my teens when I stopped worrying or caring.

Thank (fuck) the UK'S Channel 4 was, from its birth in 1982, a controversial and progressive station. This boon, plus having the advantage of older peers which meant borrowed VHS tapes, alongside my canny ninja abilities (creeping downstairs at the various kids homes I ended up living in), gave me the priceless gift of watching late night movies, such as:

Dog Day Afternoon (1975), My Beautiful Launderette (1985), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Bound (1996), and Sunday, Bloody Sunday (1971).

Even though these films were awesome as somebody who'd experienced same-sex attraction, they still didn't solve the mystery of Me.

I liked both females and males.

Then, in a magazine, I read about 'bisexuality'.

FINALLY I had an explanation for why I was the way I was. And not only that, I wasn't the only one.

So, for the longest time, I thought I was bisexual.

Some of the people I fell for identified with a different gender to the one they were (supposedly, according to everyone else) born with, which I wondered about. To be honest though, by this point, I didn't really care about semantics. I just knew I was sexually and romantically attracted to anyone who made me feel things.

I told my family as and when it came up. I didn't 'come out' as to me, I didn't see why I had to. I'd just tell them when I found someone attractive, whatever their sex. Thankfully, they weren't at all bothered. I'll be eternally grateful to them for that, seeing as I know some people who've been completely ostracised by their own just for who they love.

I'm now thirty-eight. I only heard the term pansexual about five years ago. When I researched it, it was so cool to find out that what I am is a thing.

It was like my whole life I'd been drawing in the sand with a stick. At first, I had no idea what I was drawing. Then, I knew what the image was, but I couldn't quite finish it; I couldn't see it all at once--it was too big. The term pansexual was my helicopter. It flew me up above the beach and, for the first time, I could see the whole picture.

I'm attracted to people. I fall for people. That's it.

This post is a also a thank you. It's for all the people who came before me; and those who came (and will continue to come) after me, who fought and fight for queer rights. They allowed and allow all of us the privileges we have today. Things are still not where they should be, but they are on their way there. One day, I hope, nobody will have to feel confused. Nobody will be cut out, laughed at or beaten. Nobody will have to come out.

I'm Lucy and I'm pansexual.

(Aaaaaand to those of you who have reached this point, wow. And thank you for coming to my Ted Talk! To show my appreciation of you taking the time to read my queer lifestory [the short version!], here's an incomplete selection of stars I had the hots for growing up. All the love, from me to you… June 12th 2019.)

[ P R I D E 2 0 1 9 ]

#lgbtq+#lgbtq community #lgbtq positivity #lgbtq rights #lgbtq pride #pride month #pride 2019 #pride #my queer story #lucy rambles #ramble on #all-or-nothing-baby #all or nothing baby #all the love #pansexuel #my pansexuality

144 notes · View notes

kristallioness · 4 years

Photo

2016 | 2017 | 2018

*quietly sneaks back in*... Happy New THIS Year, my dear followers! In Estonia, we have this saying that if you wish someone a 'happy new year' after Three Kings' Day (the 6th of January), you gotta have a bottle of alcohol with you and give them a drink. *lol*

Anyways, I would like to apologize for the sudden disappearance that happened prior to Christmas. I was just busy travelling back home for the holidays, unpacking and putting away my stuff, watching some great, traditional movies or shows on TV, and most importantly, working on those 2 latest masterpieces that I posted (which barely got 30 notes each.. *sigh*).

But as you can (and probably will) see, the year of the yellow earth pig (i.e. my dad's year) was a rollercoaster of emotions and accomplishments, or lacking thereof.

My creative side seems to have suffered the most due to lack of leisure time. I only managed to finish 3 full digital drawings and left behind several sketches or unfinished WIPs (2 of which are revealed here under the months of June and November for the first time, I intend to finish the Korrasami one btw). At least I got to start 2020 with a completed drawing on the very 1st day, ha-ha! Perhaps that's a good omen for this year?

If so, then I hope I'll find the time to finish the rest of the 2019 Inktober prompts, since I only did 4/31 this past October (even though I'd thought of ideas for all of them). I brought all the necessary drawing utensils and sheets of paper with me, so whenever I'm in the mood, I'll try to sketch another one.

*calculates for the nth time*.. I wrote 18,110 words worth of fanfiction, plus 820 words for the UYLD prompts (making the total 18,930). Technically, you can count another 8k+ in there, since it comes from that unfinished story (of Aang taking care of a flu-ridden Katara, as illustrated by the September sketch), which I haven't finished within the last 4 months or so. Plus, I barely wrote 1/5 of the amount compared to 2018.. *hides in shame*

Then again, I was an excellent pupil for picking up an actual book and reading through 150+ pages (which means I have ~300 pages to go). I'm talking about the new Kyoshi novel that came out. As I once said, I haven't voluntarily read a book in years make that 2 years ago (most of the reading I've done in my life is either Tom & Jerry comics, now the Avatar comic trilogies and art books as well as fanfiction online, or compulsory reading during school). But this novel is freaking fantastic superb!

Not only that, I bought all the new comic trilogies and managed to read them through. Damn, did they give me feels.. especially "Ruins of the Empire" (ngl I squeed so hard when I saw the Korrasami farewell kiss on the 1st page of the 2nd part). I can't wait to read the 3rd part this year!

However, I failed to rewatch Avatar last year, and I haven't seen Korra since.. 2016, I believe? Wow, that's 4 whole years.. But I intend to fix that mistake starting from 2020. Hopefully I'm in the mood to start my rewatch this weekend tonight. *fingers crossed*

But as I said, I had much less time to focus on my hobbies since 2019 was the year for finally moving on with my life (sort of, I'm still working on it). I still remember how down I'd been feeling for a while and how valid those emotions really were. The first quarter of the year (+ like a month or two) was a continuous descent into desperation and feelings of utter failure, which already started around the 2nd half of 2018 and only continued to deepen around that time.

Everything began to change when I was first chosen to be part of a 2-month summer internship in an IT company, and I had to start building a new nest in a new location in Tallinn this May. And now, I feel like I've hit the jackpot by getting a permanent job in another IT company this October.

I got the opportunity to work in two different fields, in two different teams within a year. I met some awesome colleagues (a lot of whom are foreigners) and got the chance to really put my English skills to the test.

Thanks to the new job, I also had to go to a free health check, which went really-really well. Despite my nervousness in the beginning, I feel much more relaxed about my physical (and mental) health, cause the results showed that everything's okay (something I'd been worried about since March 2017).

Speaking of health or staying healthy, there were a few sports events that I went to, too. Our team held the first winter team event (it was the first one for me, at least) by going to do archery in a range on the outskirts of the capital.

I watched the football match between 2 teams of our local league at my hometown together with my dad on his birthday. Our home team won the match and came in 4th place overall in the league this year, which is their best result so far (I'm really proud!). And merely days before I started work, I visited the Tallinn International Horse Show for the first time (also with my dad). I last got to watch horses jump over fences or dance to their musical programs ~ 10 years ago, and I loved it!

Event-wise 2019 was pretty full of them. As has become tradition, I went to the Defence Forces parade on our 101st Independence Day (which seemed rather bleak compared to the centennial, even more so since we didn't have ANY snow at the time).

What will hopefully become new traditions, I visited the television tower on the Restoration of Independence Day (where Uku Suviste gave a free concert in the evening), and went to the Veteran's Rock concert (to honour our war veterans) on our Freedom Square on the 23rd of April (since I'm residing in the capital now, I should be able to go again this year).

To continue with the centennial celebrations (yes, some things are STILL turning 100), I saw and explored inside the armoured train no. 7 called "Wabadus" ("Freedom") in the Baltic Station. This armoured train was one of the keys that led our country to victory during the War of Independence from 1918-1920.

There was an even bigger (150th) anniversary to celebrate in the beginning of July, when I attended our Song and Dance Festival. This was a really important, if not the biggest event of the year. I intend to make a longer post about my experience, cause it's something that you foreigners need to see for yourself. I can't simply describe or put it into words, I have to show you some videos and photos.

But while we're on the topic of concerts, I should mention that I went to 2 more at the beginning of June - Bon Jovi and Sting - as well as 2 that were part of Christmas tours in December - Elina Nechayeva and Rolf Roosalu.

Besides that, I went to 6 different festivals, half of which I'd been to several times before, such as the Türi Flower Fair, Jäneda Farm Days (where I went on my first helicopter ride for my 25th birthday present) and the Christmas market in the Old Town of Tallinn.

The other half is comprised of festivals that I'd been considering going to for a while, or which took place for the first time. The latter applies to the Black Food Festival, whereas the "Valgus Kõnnib" ("Wandering Lights") and the duck rally, both of which took place in Kadriorg, fall under the first category.

The duck rally is a charity event held in the beginning of June. Regular people can buy at least one (or several) rubber bath duckies for different prices, which will then be dumped into a tiny stream that'll carry them towards the finish line. This event has grown more popular each year, and the money the Estonian Association of Parents of Children with Cancer (sorry, long name in English!) collects is donated to the Cancer Treatment Fund.

*wipes forehead*.. Phew! I'm surprised, that's a whole lotta positivity for 2019. I think there's one more important, but seriously negative topic I haven't covered yet, but I feel should be mentioned and explained.

When it comes to politics, 2019 was a complete disaster for us. EKRE (Eesti Konservatiivne Rahvaerakond in Estonian, or Estonia's Conservative People's Party in English) i.e. our populist/nazi/pro-Trump party is in the government as of April 2019, thanks to 100,000+ idiots (out of our population of 1.3 million) who voted for them and gave them 19/101 seats in the Parliament.

No, I am NOT going to apologize for calling them a nazi party, because their main leaders have repeatedly supported ideology that's common to nazis (they use aggressive rhetoric, blame the media for making them look bad, downgrade women, minorities, are racist, anti-semitic etc...). And I will not apologize in front of the people who voted for them, because "thanks" to this, EKRE has dragged our country's reputation straight through a mud puddle (not to mention the scandals that have accompanied 5 of their ministers, 3 of who have THANKFULLY stepped down from their positions) and.. *swears like the British*.. it's BLOODY EMBARRASSING.

I am done being nice, I have at least some kind of prejudice about anyone who supports them or their ideals. And I will certainly not let Estonia end up like America. So that is why I participated in two protest events against EKRE and our current government (because the 2 other parties, who were willing to form the coalition with them, are spineless jellyfish that simply seek to hold onto their current positions of power). I'm willing to take bets as to when our government falls (the sooner the better).

*shakes off the frustration*.. Brrr! So besides that, I guess the only downside to 2019 was my spare time falling back in the list of priorities (which shows in the empty square of July).

2020 is gonna be the year of the white metal rat. I can only hope (and take action so) that it'll be just as eventful, and much more creative than 2019. Thank you all for following me (or lurking anonymously) for so long, especially to the bloggers who've offered me support through better or worse! *raises a glass* Here's to 2020!.. *sip*

#personal #shards of Kristal

10 notes · View notes

supernoondles · 4 years

Text

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

#noon's shitty end of the year summary posts #lol i never post on here anymore but i got 8 years of summary posts so i gotta maintain the tag u get me

4 notes · View notes