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theresthesnitch · 2 years

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The Time Between

deleted scenes from one last time (never enough)

Below is a selection of the scenes I wrote but cut from the five years apart. These were mostly cut for space, but also because this wasn’t where I wanted the story to go. I wanted it to be a small glimpse into their lives in those years, and how they were struggling. As I mentioned in an ask response, I had a whole bunch of additional scenes I never wrote that could have honestly been a whole fic in and of itself.

twenty weeks after the end

Lily rolled out the dough into a thin, even layer. She pressed the biscuit cutter into the dough, leaving eight clean hearts behind. She carefully extracted each heart, placing it on the prepared baking sheet. Lily pinched a bit of the sugar crystals between her finger, rubbing them together to distribute the—

Oh. Lily's hand flew to her stomach. That was new. It felt, um, wrong? Like a little flutter. Was it supposed to feel like that?

Lily had never wished more for her mother to be close by than she did now. Her mother would surely be able to tell her if this was something to be concerned about. She had attended appointments at the muggle doctor, but they tried to otherwise limit their time in the village. They couldn't really be sure it was safe. An extra trip for a small flutter was hardly worth it.

Lily abandoned the biscuits half finished on the counter, retreating to the cool, dim quiet of the sitting room. She sat on the couch, hand pressed to her stomach, not sure if she was hoping to feel it again or not to. It didn’t return for a long, long time.

***

It turns out that the taskforce was a lot less action that James had anticipated and a lot more like studying for N.E.W.T.s—which made it particularly unfortunate that James and Sirius were strictly restricted from sharing any information about it with Remus. If anyone could have sorted through all of these books and notes and figured out just what the hell Voldemort was doing, it was Remus.

They didn’t understand until one Thursday afternoon when Remus came back from meeting with Dumbledore while James and Sirius were neck deep in musty copies of library books. Remus ignored them and went straight for the small bar they kept in the corner of their shared flat, pulling out a nearly full bottle of scotch and not even bothering to find a glass before he took a swig.

Sirius and James exchanged a look of raised eyebrows, followed by a glance at the clock. Two o’clock was awfully early to hit the bottle that hard.

“Tough meeting?”

Remus let out a hard laugh, humorless and full of exasperation. “You could say that. I know why he wouldn’t let me on the taskforce now.”

Sirius stood, taking a step toward Remus. “What did he say?”

“I’m not supposed to talk about it,” Remus took another swig, “but he has a project for me that only I can do. No one else has the appropriate skills, as it were, to blend in.”

The room went silent. James swallowed hard, biting back the fear rising in his belly at what Remus wasn’t saying.

Werewolves.

***

“Lily? Are you here?”

Lily was still on the couch, sitting in the near darkness of twilight. She didn’t answer, unsure if her voice could even be heard. A moment later, Mary walked into the sitting room, waving her wand to flick on the recessed lights, her magic spreading down the track to illuminate the room. Mary jumped when she saw Lily sitting in the room.

“Merlin, Lily. You scared me half to death! What are you doing in here? Did you not hear me call you?”

Lily looked up at her friend, the stiffness in her neck letting her know it was the first time that she had moved in—how long had she been here? Hours?—since she sat down. Lily worried her lip between her teeth, trying to find the words to tell Mary what had happened.

“Lily, what’s wrong?”

“I, uh—” Lily paused, and sighed heavily. “I felt—something earlier, and I’m not— I think something is wrong.”

Mary knelt in front of her, replacing Lily’s hand on her stomach. “Here? What did you feel?”

“Um,” Lily tried to clear her brain of the fog of worry that had settled in there. “A flutter, maybe. Or a bump?”

Mary smiled. “Like butterfly wings?”

Lily looked at her friend blankly. “Yeah, kind of, I guess.”

Mary’s smile widened. “I think the baby is moving, Lily.”

Lily’s hand was back on her stomach. “Really? You think the baby is moving? How do you know? Isn't it too early? Why hasn’t it moved again?”

“The doctor gave me a book to read. You didn’t seem ready for it, but I thought one of us should know.” Mary ran her hand over Lily’s belly again. “It’s supposed to be pretty sparse for the first few days, but eventually the baby will move all the time. The baby is just little now.”

Lily ran her hand along her stomach again, no longer afraid but now amazed at what the little bump could mean. Her baby was there—really there. This was real. This piece of her and of James growing inside of her and—

And Lily was once again wishing the war would end so that she could share moments like this with James.

***

“He can’t make you do that.” Sirius was now standing in front of Remus, practically yelling in his fear. “You can’t go.”

Remus stood his ground, facing down an emotional and flustered Sirius. “Do you think I want to go? Do you think that I would choose this? I don’t want to!”

“So don’t!”

James felt a bit like he was invading a private argument, as though he was not also friends with them and they were not having this fight in front of him. Which was crazy, because it shouldn’t feel like a private moment that would exclude him. They were all friends, equally, and James cared about Remus’s well being just as much as Sirius did.

“I don’t have a choice. He’s right. There’s no one else who can do this. It has to be me.” Remus began rubbing the still raised skin of the scar that showed just under his sleeve cuff.

“But you could get hurt!”

“If I don’t go, others will get hurt. I might be able to help.” Remus took a step toward Sirius, his hand outstretched slightly, palm up.

“You can’t go because I can’t lose you.”

A heavy quiet fell over the room, and it felt like the room was charged with electricity that had the potential to burn them all to the ground.

Before anything could happen, however, Sirius turned and walked straight out the front door to the flat.

“Sirius, wait.” Remus took a step to follow him, but Sirius closed the door behind him. Remus was left standing, watching the door as though it might open again if he just waited. It did not.

“Remus?”

His back was to James, so James didn’t even know that Remus was crying until he raised a hand and wiped his face. “It’s fine. He’s just worried. He’ll be back.”

“When do you have to go?”

Remus turned to face James, and neither of them addressed the redness in his eyes. “Tomorrow. I’ll be gone for two weeks.”

The full moon was a week away, so Remus would be gone a week before and a week after the moon. “Will you be able to let us know you are safe?”

Remus shook his head, and James could see him swallow before he spoke. “I don’t think it would be safe, but I’ll be fine. I’ll be back in two weeks.”

“Please be safe.” James looked toward the door again. “We’ll both miss you.”

Remus took another drink from the whiskey bottle in his hand. “Me too.”

He walked out of the room and back toward his bedroom, and James was left thinking about Remus and Sirius and the way James didn’t quite understand what just happened. And, for some inexplicable reason, James missed Lily deep in his bones.

This war needed to end soon.

***

seven months after the end

It wasn’t enough.

Lily had read the books and knew that this was a likely side effect of pregnancy. It was just something that people dealt with, though most people weren’t locked in a small cabin, away from their partner and anyone else who might be able to relieve this tension.

She should be able to take care of it herself. She had never had trouble with that before, but she felt so uncomfortable in her body with her growing stomach and the way her body was softening in other areas. She struggled to get the right angle and the right motion and the right feeling.

And now she was crying because she couldn’t bring herself to orgasm, and what the hell was she supposed to do now?

“Lily? Are you alright?”

Lily quickly covered herself with the blankets as Mary opened the door to her room and walked in. She sniffed, wiping her face. “I’m fine.”

Mary froze in the doorway, looking at Lily in the dim light from the hallway. Lily wondered what she looked like—could Mary see her red, tear-stained cheeks? Could she tell how upset Lily was?

“Lil, I can tell you’re not. Could you tell me what’s wrong?”

Lily shook her head. “It’s stupid.”

“If you’re crying, it’s not stupid.” Mary walked in and sat on the edge of her bed. “Tell me. Maybe I can help.”

Lily covered her face with her hands. “You’ll laugh at me.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I can’t—come.”

Lily moved her hands from her face just in time to see Mary’s look of surprise. “I’m sorry?”

“I’m so fucking horny because of this stupid fucking baby and the stupid fucking hormones, but I can’t get myself there. If we weren’t here, or if James was here, I could just get him to fuck me.” Lily threw her hands out in frustration, then grabbed the top of her blanket and pulled under her chin. “I’m fine. I’ll get over it. It’s not something you can help me with.”

Mary cocked her head to the side. “It’s not?”

Lily’s eyes snapped to Mary’s. “What?”

“I could help you.” Mary reached her hand up and grabbed Lily’s hand. “I could help you get off.”

“I—um.” Lily felt like her mind was reeling. What did this mean?

“Only if you want.” Mary shrugged. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. Just an orgasm.”

“You would want to?”

“Lily, we’ve been here for more than half a year, and there’s no telling how long we’ll be here. Other than you, the only people we’ve really seen are Dr. Johnson and Ms. Meyer at the grocers. I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on either of them touching me.” Mary shivered, as though the thought was actually repulsive. “I would really like to touch and be touched again, if you want that to.”

Lily rubbed a hand across her forehead, considering what Mary was offering. “I don’t think— It wouldn’t—” Lily sighed, then started again. “I’m not sure that I could promise you anything, relationship wise. I still love James, and I want to see if we can make things work when the war is finally over. I couldn’t promise you anything more than— than—”

“An orgasm?” Mary was smiling widely now.

Lily felt a light blush color her cheeks, and she was suddenly very aware that she was naked and Mary was sitting on her bed. “Yeah. Or a few, maybe.”

Mary shrugged. “That’s all I want right now. If you do?”

Lily threw her head back. “Merlin, yes.”

Mary laughed. “Well, you first, I think.”

Lily watched as Mary’s hand slid across her arm and shoulder until she reached the edge of the blanket over her chest. She marveled at the way Mary’s dark skin looked against her pale skin in the soft light from the hallway, as the dim light added to the magic of the moment.

Mary leaned forward, connecting their lips in a gentle kiss as she slowly lowered the blanket, her hand brushing lightly over Lily’s breasts and bulging stomach, and Lily gasped as Mary’s fingers met Lily’s wetness.

She was so keyed up that it only took a few minutes of careful touches and caresses until Lily was coming by her friend’s hand. Lily was still trembling as Mary pressed gentle kisses on her cheeks and forehead. “Feel better?”

A bubble of surprised laughter escaped Lily’s lips. The release had brought so much clarity to Lily’s mind, but the look in Mary’s eye had her wanting more. “Much. Your turn now.”

***

For the last several months, James had watched Remus and Sirius carefully dance around each other. There was clearly something more between them than what either of them shared with James, though he was certain that they were trying to hide it from him. He wasn’t clear why. Surely, surely, they knew he would be happy for them. Surely, they knew he wouldn’t hate them or reject them simply because they loved each other?

James watched as Remus brushed a hand along Sirius’s shoulder as he walked to the kitchen with a cooling cup of tea, before going back to acting like they hadn’t touched at all. It was in this moment, as he watched his friends trying to keep their distance that James realized he had to say something.

James took a deep breath. With Peter out of the flat for work, it seemed like the perfect time. “I’m okay with it, you know.”

Sirius and Remus both turned to him, twin eyes of confusion pointed his way. “With what?” Sirius finally asked.

“The two of you. Whatever this is you’re doing. Dating or—or shagging or whatever.”

Remus began laughing from the kitchen, setting down his mug on the counter before holding himself up with a palm pressed into the counter. Sirius furrowed his brows. “Of course, you’re okay with it. Were we supposed to assume you wouldn’t be?”

James shrugged. “It seems like you’ve been trying to hide it.”

“Well, sure.” Remus had finally managed to control his laughter from the kitchen. “That’s not because we thought you’d have a problem with it, though.”

“You didn’t care when Marlene and Dorcas started dating.” Sirius pointed out. “Why would we assume it would be different for us?”

It was James’s turn to look between his friends in confusion. “Then why are you hiding it?”

Remus and Sirius exchanged a nervous glance at that. “Well, um,” Sirius tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, “because of Lily.”

James’s heart plummeted. It was the first time her name had been spoken aloud—at least to him—since she had left with Mary. “What does she have to do with it?”

Remus sighed. “You’ve been sad since she left, and you haven’t tried to see anyone else. We didn’t want to, I don’t know, rub it in your face that we were together and happy.”

Remus walked over and took Sirius’s hand, and as Sirius smiled up at him softly, James realized they had been hiding far more than he realized.

“You don’t have to do that.” James looked down at his hands, linking his fingers together. “I’m sorry you’ve felt the need to. I’m fine, really.”

“James, we haven’t minded.” Remus looked sincere as he said it. “We don’t want to make things harder for you. Not if we can prevent it.”

“Please don’t hide. There’s—” James felt his throat grow thick, and swallowed once to get past it “—there’s not enough happy in the world right now. We could all use a little more.”

That was it. From then on, Remus and Sirius didn’t make extra effort to hide from James. James, in turn, tried to ignore the pit in his stomach that wouldn’t go away.

#one last time (never enough)#deleted scenes #the time between

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whetstonefires · 11 months

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You know what I realize that people underestimate with Pride & Prejudice is the strategic importance of Jane.

Because like, I recently saw Charlotte and Elizabeth contrasted as the former being pragmatic and the latter holding out for a love match, because she's younger and prettier and thinks she can afford it, and that is very much not what's happening.

The Charlotte take is correct, but the Elizabeth is all wrong. Lizzie doesn't insist on a love match. That's serendipitous and rather unexpected. She wants, exactly as Mr. Bennet says, someone she can respect. Contempt won't do. Mr. Bennet puts it in weirdly sexist terms like he's trying to avoid acknowledging what he did to himself by marrying a self-absorbed idiot, but it's still true. That's what Elizabeth is shooting for: a marriage that won't make her unhappy.

She's grown up watching how miserable her parents make one another; she's not willing to sign up for a lifetime of being bitter and lonely in her own home.

I think she is very aware, in refusing Mr. Collins, that it's reasonably unlikely that anyone she actually respects is going to want her, with her few accomplishments and her lack of property. That she is turning down security and the chance keep the house she grew up in, and all she gets in return may be spinsterhood.

But, crucially, she has absolute faith in Jane.

The bit about teaching Jane's daughters to embroider badly? That's a joke, but it's also a serious potential life plan. Jane is the best creature in the world, and a beauty; there's no chance at all she won't get married to someone worthwhile.

(Bingley mucks this up by breaking Jane's heart, but her prospects remain reasonable if their mother would lay off!)

And if Elizabeth can't replicate that feat, then there's also no doubt in her mind that Jane will let her live in her house as a dependent as long as she likes, and never let it be made shameful or awful to be that impoverished spinster aunt. It will be okay never to be married at all, because she has her sister, whom she trusts absolutely to succeed and to protect her.

And if something eventually happens to Jane's family and they can't keep her anymore, she can throw herself upon the mercy of the Gardeners, who have money and like her very much, and are likewise good people. She has a support network--not a perfect or impregnable one, but it exists. It gives her realistic options.

Spinsterhood was a very dangerous choice; there are reasons you would go to considerable lengths not to risk it.

But Elizabeth has Jane, and her pride, and an understanding of what marrying someone who will make you miserable costs.

That's part of the thesis of the book, I would say! Recurring Austen thought. How important it is not to marry someone who will make you, specifically, unhappy.

She would rather be a dependent of people she likes and trusts than of someone she doesn't, even if the latter is formally considered more secure; she would rather live in a happy, reasonable household as an extra than be the mistress of her own home, but that home is full of Mr. Collins and her mother.

This is a calculation she's making consciously! She's not counting on a better marriage coming along. She just feels the most likely bad outcome from refusing Mr. Collins is still much better than the certain outcome of accepting him. Which is being stuck with Mr. Collins forever.

Elizabeth is also being pragmatic. Austen also endorses her choice, for the person she is and the concerns she has. She's just picking different trade-offs than Charlotte.

Elizabeth's flaw is not in her own priorities; she doesn't make a reckless choice and get lucky. But in being unable to accept that Charlotte's are different, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with Charlotte.

Because realistically, when your marriage is your whole family and career forever, and you only get to pick the ones that offer themselves to you, when you are legally bound to the status of dependent, you're always going to be making some trade-offs.

😂 Even the unrealistically ideal dream scenario of wealthy handsome clever ethical Mr. Darcy still asks you to undergo personal growth, accommodate someone else's communication style, and eat a little crow.

#hoc est meum #pride and prejudice #elizabeth bennet #charlotte lucas #meta #charlotte is a much less sociable person than lizzie #so avoiding her husband most of the time and not seeking out his company is more viable for her!#she also has more patience for people being wrong #partly i think because she kinds checks out and lets them get on with it which lizzie isn't too great at even with her mother #people have different needs like that's a thing okay #marriage #spinsterhood #pragmatism #like if elizabeth had to listen to collins talk for a few months straight she would be nearly insane with rage #he's not just a low-quality man he's a man designed to be the worst for her specifically #also note that because jane's marriage is elizabeth's fallback plan #darcy screwed her over personally by interfering between her and bingley #she ofc does not bring this up how could she #but it's intensifying the anger during the hunsford rejection i think

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