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joiedecombat · 3 years

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and now for something completely different:

The Longbourn Quarantine

Before I talk about The Longbourn Quarantine I feel like I should acknowledge two things. One is that I'm pretty sure all of us have some shit to work through from the past year or so, in one way or another. The other is that writing is hard, y'all; it's really, really hard.

The Longbourn Quarantine isn't the worst adaptation of Pride and Prejudice that I've read during this whole adventure. It's not even the worst adaptation I managed to finish. It is, however, definitely the most surreal. I stayed up until 3 am on a Sunday morning reading this thing because I just could not look away, and by the time I finished, I felt like I was hallucinating.

At times, Caroline would close her eyes and reach out with eldritch fingers to gently cradle a golden orb floating like a benevolent star warming all around it. This gentle presence was the still and deep peace known as Jane Bennet. Jane's calmness poured balm upon the angry cauldron of Caroline's soul. There also was another: a richer, almost spicy red aura that burst from the gray plane stretching behind Caroline's eyelids. This bouncing, buzzing sphere would come close and brush against Caroline's ethereal being, nourishing it with crimson packets. The exultant essence--both an Elizabeth and a Lizzy--was bountiful with joyous energy.

Don't ask me, I read the whole thing and I still have no clue.

The premise in brief: an epidemic of smallpox is ravaging England, forcing Darcy, Georgiana, and Charles and Caroline Bingley to take shelter at Longbourn (Netherfield has been rendered uninhabitable by looters), where they are obliged to remain under quarantine for two weeks to confirm that none of them have brought the plague with them from London.

The threat of illness and contagion doesn't really bring a lot of tension to the story, though; Darcy and Mary Bennet have both already survived cowpox, and Jane, Elizabeth, and Georgiana have been vaccinated, so the narrative treats them all as effectively immune.

In fact, surprisingly little really happens in this book. A lot of it is taken up by the Bingleys mourning the deaths of the Hursts, and the rest by Wickham turning up about halfway through the story as a squatter in Longbourn's abandoned gamekeeper's cabin, dying of smallpox he contracted via Mary King. For some reason, Darcy takes it upon himself to nurse Wickham through the final stages of his illness, and eventually Wickham asks to unburden himself to Elizabeth, which - for some reason - Darcy finds appropriate to agree to.

There's not much real dialogue in this book so much as strings of connected monologues, since once someone speaks they almost inevitably go on for a good two pages without a breath.

But the prose, y'all.

Even as her thoughts returned to the conference above Mr Bennet's worktable, Mr. Darcy's distinctive scent, reminiscent of sandalwood and spice, rose afresh in her memory's corridors. Once Mr. Darcy perceived an area where he could be useful, his being exuded musk--like a roebuck in rut, perfuming everything within reach.

Have you ever read something and just viscerally known it was written by a dude?

The muscles that rippled beneath Mr. Darcy's superfine topcoat sent shivers from her palm up through her arm. Then the jolt coiled around itself to fly down the mystical cord stretching from behind her breastbone into the chalice of her hips. There its thrumming vibrations unleashed sensations she had felt only in her dreams. Those had been triggered by fantasies. These manifestations rose from her immediate reality, from the presence of the man matching her step for step.

Yeah.

Anyway, Wickham's 17-page speech to Elizabeth more or less resolves what plot there is: he confesses all his sins, explains Darcy's character to her in detail, informs her that Darcy is in love with her and will almost definitely make a hash of his confession and proposal, and asks her to give the man the benefit of the doubt for... some reason.

Once Wickham has conveniently expired, Darcy does indeed drop a variant of the Hunsford proposal on her - worse in this context since they've all been in each other's pockets for two weeks during a terrible crisis and he really ought to know better - and in a truly breathtaking example of missing the goddamn point, Elizabeth politely heads him off to tell him it's okay, she knows he's just nervous, and of course she'll marry him.

Then again, you have to have consistent characterization to have anything resembling character development, and since this is the book that also includes Mrs Bennet giving Kitty and Lydia a detailed lecture on effective grief counseling I'm not sure what I was expecting.

Do not read The Longbourn Quarantine. I'm fairly sure I lost brain cells to this book. I'm only posting about it because I was asked to and because it was such a bizarre experience I feel like I need some kind of proof it actually happened.

#pride and prejudice #the longbourn quarantine #not a recc #ongoing adventures in austen pastiche

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sarcasticbookaddict · 3 years

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Imagine the Bennet family quarantining together

Mr. Bennet would probably sequester himself in his study 24/7

Mrs. Bennet would be crying about how her daughters won’t be able to find wealthy husbands, if they are unable to interact with them

However, she would most likely scheme some plots to make it possible, though

Lydia and Kitty would cry about there not being balls and not being able to go to Meryton then they would argue about taking each other’s clothes

Mary would be practicing her piano all day, much to the annoyance of her younger sisters

Jane would try to keep the peace and help her family get along

Elizabeth would just be done

If Mr. Collins happened to be trapped at Longbourn with them during quarantine, everyone would still maintain a safe six feet away from him

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cricketnationrise · 3 years

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Quarantine Reads Part 7

151. The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver: one of my mom’s buddy read pick. alternating pov. accidental baby acquisition. road tripping.

152. His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik: HOW did I miss that Naomi Novik had a whole dragon series??? HOWMST??? these are seriously right up my alley: dragons can talk and are partners with their riders, some dragons only let LADIES ride them (!!!), alternate history. plus there’s like 9 OF THEM??? amaze.

153. A Conspiracy of Kings by Megan Whalen Turner: book 4 in the queen’s thief series (now complete!). political intrigue, gods are real and semi-present in people’s lives, greekish adjacent.

154. Heartstopper: Volume Two by Alice Oseman: yes i had already read these panels online, but my print copy came in so obviously it was time to reread (it’s going to be a tv show!) (also its still updating!)

155. The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson: meticulously researched, interwoven personal stories, the book is HEFTY but reads pretty quick

156. The Architect’s Apprentice by Elif Shafak: really cool story set in the height of the ottoman empire, follows Jahan, the elephant keeper, and how he came to be there and him growing up

157. Longbourn by Jo Baker: a retelling of pride and prejudice from the servants’ point of view, content warning: wickham preying on like a 12 year old, witnessing a whipping, descriptions of starvation, being a soldier in the napoleonic war

158. People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks: a ridiculously old Hebrew manuscript thought to be lost is found in Sarajevo, a conservator goes to examine it and finds several clues to the provenance of the text, follows the clues through history and flashes back to the present as the conservator tries to follow up on the clues, based on the true story of the Sarajevo Haggadah; content warning: murder, Holocaust, giving birth, the Inquisition

159. Goalie Interference by Avon Gale: hockey m/m romance between a set of tandem goalies on a fictional professional hockey team, lots o sex

160. What If It’s Us by Becky Albertalli: coming of age story set in nyc the summer before college, trying to figure out who you are, missing connections, some bad communication that gives way to good communication

161. Trade Deadline by Avon Gale: a hockey player gets traded after many seasons on the same team to his hometown team that is struggling to bring in fans, he reconnects with a childhood friend (and first kiss) who helps run the local aquarium, cuteness ensues, romance (so there’s sex)

162. The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead: two slaves manage to escape Georgia on the Underground Railroad, which, in this imagining is a series of safe houses and actual trains, follows their lives after that; content warning: violence, whipping, hunting people with dogs, severe illness, murder, racism

163. Small Gods by Terry Pratchett: 13th in the discworld series, this one explores the makings of a religion and how gods that have fallen out of favor can get a resurgence, very funny, highly ridiculous

164. Are You Listening? by Tillie Walden: graphic novel, Bea is on the run, runs into Lou, they find a cat, strange and dangerous stuff starts happening to them, magical realism, towns appearing and disappearing, haunted by a group of threatening men? creatures? unclear

165. The Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix: a fun fantasy novel, old gods still exist, demons exist, a special family of booksellers are the main ones in london trying to stop them from wreaking havoc on the mundane population, a girl discovers her father is not what her mom told her

166. Bloom by Kevin Panetta: graphic novel, ya m/m getting together and falling in love, a boy is helping out in his parents’ bakery reluctantly when he is given permission to hang a help wanted flyer and meets the boy who becomes one of his best friends and maybe more

167. The Deal of a Lifetime by Fredrik Backman: short story, follows a father and son’s relationship

168. The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore: non-fiction, follows the author of the original wonder woman comics and his life, he seems like an ass to me though

169. Alif the Unseen by G. Willow Wilson: a hacker and his network is targeted after sleeping with/romancing the fiance of the government official tasked with rooting out those people trying to avoid the regime, alif is forced to go on the run with the literal girl next door and manages to accidentally stumble into the world of the djinn; content warning: imprisonment, torture, starvation, riots, murder

170. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig: in the space between life and death, there is a library, full of every what if you can think of and many more that you didn’t, follows the protagonist as she explores her own life many times if she had made different decisions along the way

171. A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers: a crew that punches wormholes through space to make travel easier is given a huge contract that would set them up financially, but will take a massively long time to get to, and when they do, all is not as it seems, changing POV throughout the crew of a couple humans, a few differing alien species, and an AI as they go to do this job,

172. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows: epistolary novel set just after WW2, juliet ashton is a writer who receives a letter from Guernsey Island in the English Channel and they spark a friendship, after learning more about his experience during the war and his relationship with books, she starts corresponding with others from the island and eventually goes there herself. this is my actual favorite book. the love story is super sweet plus the friendships are A++++

173. Unshelved by Bill Barnes: comic strip collection set in a local library, follow the librarians as they battle loud teenagers, preteens who don’t want to read, and people who think the library is for anything but finding books to read

174. Ms. Marvel, Vol 1: No Normal by G. Willow Wilson: Ms. Marvel origin story, follows a teenager in Jersey City as she accidentally and suddenly acquires superpowers while trying to still make her curfew and not disappoint her parents and get good grades

175. Feast of Famine by Naomi Novik: short story set in the Temeraire series, won’t make sense unless you’re familiar with the worldbuilding

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whyinever-blog-blog · 4 years

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Wednesday, DAY 31, April 15 (not tax day anymore) of stay at home order for COVID-19 RALEIGH

Wednesday PM: Chris Cuomo of CNN’s wife tested positive for Coronavirus. Oh boy. He’s been in quarantine for 2+ weeks. This is a strange STRANGE virus. That’s why I don’t want it. How does she test positive so long after he started with it? He says after all this time, he is still getting regular fevers. He’s not well enough to come out of isolation. It’s very interesting following his story.

So...funny story today...

We go to the storage place to get our products for orders. I notice that the road is blocked by police ahead. Can it be that Peace St. bridge AGAIN? We get our stuff and go back that way to check. Remember the other day in one of my posts I had a photo of the sardine can mural and pondered it?? @themuralshop

Well, it dawned on John today what the sardine can means!!! This semi truck hit the bridge this morning. So, when the truck hits the bridge, it OPENS THE TRUCK UP LIKE A SARDINE CAN! THAT is why the mural is there and THAT is why it’s a sardine can! Subtle humor of the Raleigh artist! It’s funny because this happens so often (trucks hitting the low clearance bridge) that the Peace St. bridge has it’s own TWITTER page! To get the truck UNSTUCK, they have to unload all the cargo. What a job every time it happens and a big pain in the butt.

Now the interesting part of the whole thing is...that the truck that got stuck...WAS CARRYING A FULL LOAD OF SUGAR TO KRISPY KREME!!! So how does a truck that delivers to KRISPY KREME not know to go a different route? John says he must have been a NEW guy. What an initiation huh?? He’ll never forget this delivery.

I saw this posted on Next Door today and was SHOCKED and DISHEARTENED to read this short article. If you order TO-GO food using APPS, you need to read this. It turns out, we are NOT doing the right thing by ordering food through these apps. READ THIS...

https://www.foodandwine.com/fwpro/delete-your-delivery-apps

We walked a shorter walk today since we walked 5 miles yesterday. We go to Auto Zone to pick up the new truck battery. John goes in with a mask on and says NO ONE in there, customers or employees, have a mask on. I still don’t understand why some people aren’t getting it by this point.

I watched a little TV today since it was cold and cloudy. I’m not going to feel guilty for it!

Dinner: Vegetarian pot pie with homemade pie crust. YUM

Book: Longbourne by Jo Baker

Watch: The Big Interview with Dan Rather : Carol Burnett. (AXStv). Enjoyed it so much!

HGTV: CelebrityIOU show (new): Brad Pitt (renovation)

Ugly Delicious (Netflix) The fried rice episode

#chriscuomo #raleighstreetart #peacestbridge #foodandwine #uglydelicious #themuralshop #krispykreme

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deborahpearson · 5 years

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Coming Soon: An Ancient curse. A Thunderstorm. An Epidemic. Jane Bennet’s invitation to tea at Netherfield is disrupted by a strange series of events. Could they be related to the rumours of a generations-old curse on Netherfield and Longbourn? When a thunderstorm and epidemic sweep through Meryton, people are quarantined in their homes and the long-dismissed curse seems more and more like a reality than an ancient story. Can Jane and Elizabeth’s family survive this crisis, or will these unnatural events claim the last generation of Bennets? WARNING: Contains scenes of domestic/sexual abuse. Please do not read if you are easily triggered or under 18. #bookstagrammer #JAFF #JaneAustenFanFiction #Mystery #PrideandPrejudiceVariation #mysterious #booksofinstagram #instabooks #amwriting #amediting #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #creativewriting #writer #authors #bookstagram #spilledink #comingsoon #writers #igwriters #writerscommunity #write #instawriter #staytuned #writing #storyteller #writersoninstagram #authorlife #sneakpeek #DeborahEPearson (at Chatham, Medway) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsgJmtOlvIa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mbk1xvnoe1e5

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