#thats why this is my shame............. this is my one true cringe and something i genuinely consider a flaw of mine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

taechaos · 3 years

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Idea series oc sneaking Tae in the house after he had big fight with his father about something (your choice if it's smutty or fluff or angsty) with a peek of a vurberable Tae? Honestly i think he would change the topic as soon as he started it and prob with sex.

Anyway I'm really interest in their family dynamic since I remember don't know if it was in part one or two that you mention they have really religious parents? And seeing how harsh their dad is with Taehyung it have me wondering how is his relationship with the mother and ocs with both parents, despite everything the seem really distant from their kids, maybe thats why Tae and YN find comfort in each other. OC is the first real bond Tae made with someone so maybe that's the reason of his fear of being replaced and his obsession with her, and ocs mother probably don't pay that much attention to her so that's why even after the incident she still want him to be there. At this point I'm just rambling I'm sorry. And this ask is all over the place, started with a request and ended questioning characters life 💀💀. Sorry hehe.

when i read this yesterday i was literally blown away by this like hOLY shit your analysis is so in-depth at first i was like damn do my characters have more than oNE DIMENSION?? WHICH IS RLY FLATTERING BUT I THINK ITS JUST UR WORDS THAT MADE ME SOUND SMART 💀💀💀 the ending is chef's kiss tho made me bust a lung SHFJJD thank you so much for taking the time to write this its honestly so fucking amazing. hopefully u can see more of their family dynamic in this drabble :)

Rays of sunlight slither through the cracks in the blinds of the living room, allowing Taehyung's father enough light to scan the newspaper he holds in his hand, with the musical, happy chirping of mockingbirds filling in the silence. All of these beautiful signs of nature and peaceful rotation of the earth makes Taehyung tense up even more.

The moment he got back home from buying drugs, his father greeted him in monotone with a, "would you sit with me for a moment?" and he hasn't spoken since. The zipperbag in his pocket crinkles every time he shifts in his seat, making him cringe momentarily before he starts nervously fidgeting again.

This is so awkward and yet equivalent to hearing: we need to talk. God, why is he so silent?

Clearing his throat, Taehyung stands just as his father flips a page with a lick of his thumb. "I'm going to my room really quick."

"No."

"Oh." When will his step-mother return? She's his only hope as he sits down while avoiding looking at his father, whose gaze is set on the black and white printed pages.

It's only a minute later when he talks without diverting his gaze.

"Your sister is in her room, researching her major to get a headstart on a typical syllabus."

"Smart," he comments with disinterest and nibbles on his upper lip.

"Taehyung, how was your attendance in college?" he folds the newspaper and curiously peeks at his son, who is doing a poor job at hiding his nerves.

"It was alright–"

"Lying is a sin, son," his movements are aristocratic when he leans his chin on his fist. "Don't lie."

"I'm not," he stammers and his eyes flicker, "it was bad at the beginning of the year, but I fixed it."

His father pinches the bridge of nose where his frames lie. "I love your sister, Taehyung," he sighs and takes off his glasses, "I want her to do well. I've given up on you, but her? She can accomplish great things if you're not there to influence her. You're a bad influence. Are you following me?"

Taehyung nods dumbly with a racing heart before registering his words and shaking his head. "What?" he blurts. "I used to help her with her homework all the time–"

"You were home once every month."

"Just because you didn't see me doesn't mean I didn't see her," he coldly says. That's not entirely accurate, but it is true that he saw you more than he saw his parents before he started living here again. For you.

His father is taken aback, offended as he scoffs, "You avoided me and your mother, and yet have the face to stay in our home?" He stands up and passes the coffee table that was Taehyung's only barrier to hover over him with distance. "I expected so much more from you, but you can't even do the bare minimum. An adult without a stable job, respectable girlfriend, and embarrassing grades. I'm ashamed to have raised such a boy, for I can't even call you a man."

Taehyung abruptly stands but he continues, "If you can't even pay rent, go back to that landfill you came from."

"I have to pay rent to live with my family?" He's livid and his hands shake by his sides; they're taking you away from him because what? He isn't the son they wanted him to be?

"You've made it clear that the only thing keeping you here is my daughter," he blindly points at the closed door of your room, "and you will have to try much harder to see her again. Get your life together, and you can come back."

Taehyung's face is heated with anger from the injustice. "What the fuck?! This is such bullshit; you're kicking me out?"

His father frowns at his language, growling, "Taehyung! I will not let you drag her down that path with you. When you stop destroying everything you touch, I'll gladly let you live here."

Destroy? He hasn't done any harm to anyone—especially not you. He knows he's self-destructive, but it doesn't extend to his environment. If he fails, it's his failure, but his father takes it personally instead of encouraging him to do better.

The importance of reputation and success in this family enrages him; he's aware that he's not much of an affectionate person either, but a little love wouldn't hurt to witness in the household.

Instead of defending himself or speaking his mind, he obliges bitterly.

"You need to get laid," are his last words before he slams the door and opens the zipper bag to pop a pill. Ecstasy isn't so fun when you're not around, but he can use the distraction. It's been a bad day.

He flips off a stray cat idling around the garden before casually leaving the property.

—————

Studying isn't fun for you, never has been, never will be. Though you hate every second of it, it does give you something to do to make time pass faster. You've been tutoring yourself about things you'll learn sooner or later anyway, but you guess it doesn't hurt to have to study less when the time comes.

You check the time. It's approaching night at 9 PM, and your father wouldn't protest against a break now, hopefully. He only suggested that you should start studying, but you know what his suggestions really mean.

Do it, or get shamed into doing it with subtle glances.

As if that isn't enough, he constantly checked up on you throughout the day. He wasn't exactly giving you a choice, which irks you.

But that's done and over with, and there's a more pressing matter at hand: where is Taehyung? You heard bits and pieces of the argument, but you couldn't get the whole scoop. You worry he's going to go back to his old habits of never being here, rarely seeing you. He would've been hanging out with you six hours ago out of routine... It can't just be you being clingy. Something happened.

You: are you coming home tonight?

The response takes a few minutes.

taehyung: nop

taehyung: but i am coming to ur room

taehyung: cuz ik u cant sleep without me 😖

You: actually the opposite but ok lol

You: when are you coming

taehyung: whenever u want uwu

You: uwu...?

You: just come before it gets too late

—————

So that was a lie. It's 1 AM and still no word from Taehyung. Okay, maybe you're just being clingy now, but it's unlike him not to be clingy. Maybe he wanted to cool off for a long time after his tak with your step-dad, or simply wanted to hang out with his friends after spending all of his time with you.

That makes sense. What doesn't is the slide of your window and shuffling of your curtains. You instantly sit up in your bed and clutch your blanket closer. You watch a silhouette enter your room as you pick up your limp, your tense muscles relaxing only when you recognize the intruder. You put down the lamp with a click of your tongue, ignoring the relief in your pounding heart.

"Hey," he stupidly grins at you. He looks disheveled, clothes untucked and wrinkled, and from the little light you have, you can see his redshot eyes.

"There's also the door," you remark sassily. "Are you um... high?"

He shrugs and crawls in your bed, dismissive as usual. You both make an effort to keep your voices quiet.

"I talked to mom earlier," you ease into the discussion until he butts in.

"That's great."

You roll your eyes and prop an elbow to look down at him. His head lies on his hands while staring at you, mood strangely upbeat. He's definitely high.

"She was a little sad about something, and I know it involves you. I heard you talking to–" You're interrupted with a lingering peck, a little rough in its force but not unwelcomed.

"I've missed kissing you. Shouldn't you be asleep, by the way?"

Recovering from the unexpected attack, you reply, "It's not that late. I don't have to wake up early."

"You shouldn't ruin your sleep schedule," he tucks a hair strand behind your ear without taking his eyes off of you. "Staying up is hard to stop once you start."

"Yeah, you're a great example," you joke with a quiet giggle. Whispering with him feels intimate in a heart fluttering way. His heart pangs with a feeling he can't put a finger on. "You didn't answer my question."

"Hm?"

"Don't play dumb, I'm really curious. What happened with dad?"

"A lot of things happen with dad," he shrugs, "sometimes we play catch–"

"Taehyung," you give him a pointed look, and he giggles.

"You're right, he'd never play catch with me." He groans as he stretches in your bed before trapping you with his arms on either side of you in one motion. You don't know what he's trying to do, but you watch him above you in amusement. "No offence, but when is your mom not sad when my dad is around?" he laughs with a huff.

"That's rude, Tae," you remark seriously, "she's happy when you're around."

Taehyung's smile falters like yours, his happy guise crumbling when he says, "Are you?"

"Pfft," you roll your eyes, "What do you think? I was up waiting for you."

Ah. That's not a very good influence.

"I'm here now," he whispers, "go to sleep. It's okay, I won't do anything, I know you worked hard today."

You agree with a yawn and nod. But even in your sleepy state, you can read the room—Taehyung is especially attentive of his tone and volume aside from being so tense. "Are you alright?"

"I'm in and on ecstasy," he falls back on his former spot, "I can't not be alright."

"Taehyung, I haven't seen you all day–"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to be here," he looks at you dead in the eye, "and I don't want you to be here."

You blink rapidly, slightly shaking your head in confusion, "What are you saying?"

"Move in with me."

He's met with cold silence, so he persuades persistently, "Don't you want to get away from here? You'll have so much more freedom with me, and I can help you with your assignments and everything. It'll be perfect."

"I— do you... Where?" Taehyung is high and he doesn't know what he's saying is what you believe because this is so out of the blue, so irrational, but he describes it like it's utopia; you are not completely against the idea.

"I have enough money from drug dealing to rent an apartment, and you can tell dad that you want to move out to be like an adult or whatever, that you have a stable job, without mentioning me," he rambles, and his dilated pupils are more noticeable up close; it slightly puts you off.

"Wh-what about mom?"

He scoffs, "If she wants out, she can get her second divorce. Don't worry about them; after all, they're apparently the only real adults here," he relates back to not being worthy of being called a man. You shift away from him little by little. "Just trust me."

The phrase is triggering for you, a reminder of the time you were tricked into trusting him moments before your trauma. "We'll talk about this when you're sober," you meekly say, avoiding eye contact.

A wicked smile grows on his face, "I can't wait, princess."

#idea tae #*cue big time rush theme*#just gotta say this one last time #the analysis was so well written #its honestly a sight for sore eyes 😫

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novannna · 3 years

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You Were the Hands That Held Me

Danissa soulmate au. everyone has a soul mate, and any marking that appears on their skin, appears on yours. narcissa’s pov. Kinda angsty, but also fluffy.

tw: self harm, and mentions of abuse kinda

wc: 2363

Narcissa stared at her arm in awe. This was the first time her soulmate had ever drawn something on her skin. She had felt the same cuts and bruises her soulmate had received, just like everyone else, but this was the first time her soulmate had deliberately marked her own skin.

Messy butterflies with uneven wings, and twisted antennas marched down Narcissa’s forearm.

“Oh,” she whispered. “Cool.” She grabbed the nearest marked, and held it poised above the other arm, ready to reply, but thought better of it.

She shouldn’t force her soulmate to stop their art for Narcissa. She dropped the marker, and kept watching the thick lines as they covered her entire arm.

That night she washed it all away in scalding hot water before her grandfather noticed. He wouldn’t approve of Narcissa communicating with her soulmate.

He hated the idea of How there was one person in the world, waiting just for you.

His soulmate had died years ago, leaving him heartbroken and angry, bitter to the world.

If Narcissa wasn’t careful, he might take the anger out on her.

Narcissa could take it, but she didn’t want to hurt her soulmate too. Narcissa would feel awful.

So she tried to ignore the small flowers and butterflies her soulmate drew constantly. Narcissa tried her very best.

---

Years later, Narcissa wrote to her soulmate for the first time. It was in the middle of the night, when Narcissa had felt a searing pain across her arm that looked like a red slit across her pale skin.

Her soulmate was in trouble. She couldn’t just stand by now. Narcissa had to do something.

Grabbing a tissue to staunch the bleeding, Narcissa scrawled across her hand in thick ink.

STOP

I can’t , her soulmate replied.

Please, just hear me out, Narcissa wrote, hoping she could do enough. Hoping she could convince the person who had drawn butterflies everywhere on their body, that maybe the world really did want them.

please, just stay out of this

I can’t. This is my body too. And even though I’ve never met you, you're my soulmate and I care about you.

Fine. I’ll listen. Her soulmate's handwriting was a little shaky, but very neat, with tall, loopy letters.

I’m guessing you’ve been having a hard time with life recently, Narcissa started.

I guess

Do you want to be here? Narcissa asked bluntly

There was a long pause. I don’t know, her soulmate finally responded. I love Earth, but the people…. I can’t stand the people. All they do is bring hate and hurt to me

I get that. But the people don’t matter. You do. Danna wrote desperately.

No I don’t. I’ve never done a single good thing in my life

You have! You’ve made me smile! You’ve made me laugh!

Her soulmate replied, When? This is the first time I’ve ever talked to you

When we were younger, you used to constantly doodle little flowers and butterflies all across our bodies. I loved to watch you draw them, watch the blocky little lines appear across my body. Danna smiled as she recalled the delicate insects she wore across her body daily.

I thought you hated those. That’s why I stopped

No, of course not!

Then why did you erase them?

Narcissa sighed. She thought for a second, then wrote, my grandfather. He hates soulmates. If he knew I was communicating with mine, I’m afraid he would hurt me. And doing that would hurt you.

But… that means you could get in trouble right now!

No. I won’t, I’m fine. You are more important. Tell me, what made you want to hurt yourself today?

I guess I’m just tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being treated like a child. I want to leave my house, but I can’t. I can’t live on my own.

Thats okay, you shouldn’t be ignored. You should be your own person, and if your parents cant see that, they’re idiots!!

Narcissa capped the pen, and tried to wrap her blanket around her arm, the blood slowly soaked through the fabric, staining the blanket a bright red. How would she explain that to her grandfather? It didn’t matter right now though. Right now, she had to make sure her soulmate was okay. That was her one and only goal. Nothing else mattered. Narcissa had the opportunity to maybe save a life right now. That’s what she had to do.

They aren’t. I’m the one who’s screwing up, her soulmate replied. I cant ever get anything right. Im just a big mistake that shouldn't even exist. The worlds probably better without me

THATS NOT FUCKING TRUE! Narcissa scrawled as quickly as she could. I dont believe it. Not for a second. Just by being here, you’ve made the world a better place. Everyday, I wake up and check my body for some indicator that you’re here. I can’t help but think about the fact that there is someone out there meant for me. And I’m meant for someone.

I guess…

Narcissa sighed heavily. She had to go to bed before her grandfather woke and saw her light on.

Are you okay? She wrote. Are you in any danger? If you are, im here. For both of us

A minute passed before the reply came. I dont think so. I think im better. But… if i feel bad again, can i talk to u? This actually really helped me. Thank you

Narcissa smiled. Of course!!! Just, could u write somewhere less obvious?

Sure. I understand.

Narcissa smiled gratefully. How ‘bout our ankles? That’s less obvious and easy for me to hide

She felt pressure on her right foot, and slid it out from beneath her blanket. A smile, and little butterfly doodle greeted her eyes.

Good night, soulmate, Narcissa wrote

Good night. Sleep tight. And… thank you.

Narcissa smiled. She slid out of bed, and held her arm close to her chest while creeping to the bathroom. Once inside, she scrubbed all of the ink off her skin, and bandaged the red slit shut.

Narcissa and her soulmate were okay. That was all that mattered. Everything was alright. At least for now. But now was the only thing Narcissa could bear to think about.

---

After that one night, Narcissa’s soulmate never hurt themselves like that again. But that didn’t mean they weren’t hurting. Narcissa could tell they were hurting themselves in other ways.

She tried to help. She wrote reminders every few hours, telling her soulmate to eat, and drink water. She wrote encouraging messages, and doodled across their skin.

But still, Narcissa would feel her stomach growl with hunger, and her tongue beg for more water. She felt her eyes grow heavy even though she had slept almost 10 hours the night before. Her soulmate just didn’t care, and there was nothing Narcissa could do.

They would talk to each other constantly, ranting about their day, or commenting about something they saw. Narcissa grew much closer to the person she had never even seen the face of. Closer to them then anyone else she had ever known.

Even her grandfather.

Narcissa had a very strained relationship with her grandfather. She knew deep down he loved her, but he had a hard time showing it. He was caught in a life of crime, and there was no way out.

He had been an arms dealer for years, selling guns and other weapons on the black market. He made a lot of money, but not a lot of friends. He was a bitter old man, who took all of his anger out on Narcissa. He had never hit her, but his words were hard enough.

Narcissa knew she was being abused, and belittled, and manipulated, but she always ended up excusing his actions. Or even worse, sometimes she would place the blame on herself. She knew she was in a bad situation, but it was one she was stuck in.

Narcissa talked about him lots with her soulmate. It turned out, they had a similar situation with their parents.

Mistreated, abused, bullied, shamed.

The two escaped into their skin, engrossed with each other. They held each other right through the pain and the tears. Though at times, both of them desperately wanted to, they held strong and never hurried themselves for fear of hurting the other.

---

One day, the straw finally snapped for Narcissa. She was 17 now, and old enough to live her own life. Old enough to understand what her grandfather gave her wasn’t love, it was trauma.

After he yelled at her for an hour straight because she put a book in the wrong bookshelf, Narcissa decided she had taken enough.

Can we go? She desperately scrawled across her ankle. Can we escape these sorry excuses for lives?

Her soulmate wrote back a few minutes later. What do you mean?

We’re old enough to live on our own. Why are we forcing ourselves to live with these people who treat us so terribly. Why don’t we just run away together?

Ok. The reply shocked Narcissa. She had been expecting them to try and convince her otherwise, make her see the absurdity. Not agree. But Narcissa was glad they agreed. They both deserved a chance to start over. To make a life for themselves, and do it right.

You will?

With you? Of course I will silly. I’ve been waiting years for me to ask

When? When can we leave?

Whenever your ready

A week, Narcissa declared, I’ll meet you in a week at Gatlon City, at the train station

Ok. I’ll be there, I promise, her soulmate wrote.

Me too. Narcissa grinned. She was finally escaping. Finally starting fresh. Finally leaving her grandfather to be with someone who truly cared. Narcissa couldn’t wait.

---

Narcissa creaked the door open, cringing as the hinges squealed loudly.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” Her grandfather slurred from the couch.

Shitshitshitshit, Narcissa though. She was caught. She was never going to escape her life.

“I told you earlier this week I’m going to a friends house tonight,” Narcissa said lightly, trying to mask her terror.

“Stop lying!” He screamed. “I know that’s not true, you don’t have any friends.”

Narcissa cringed.

She breathed in deeply. She was already leaving forever, there was no point in lying anymore.

“Fine I’m leaving. For good.” She braced herself for the rage.

Instead, he laughed. “You? You're leaving?” He scoffed. “You would never. You’re too scared and dependent on me.”

Narcissa drew herself up. “No. You’re wrong. I’m leaving, to find my soulmate. We’re making our own life. Together.”

He gaped at her. “You can’t! You can’t go to your soulmate,” he spat. “You’ll live a terrible life. You’ll be tied down forever.”

Narcissa shook her head. “No. I won’t. I’ll live the best life I can. Because I’ll be happy. I won’t live in fear anymore. I’m sorry you weren’t meant for your soulmate, but it’s different for me. I know them. We are meant for each other. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. All you know is hate.”

“So you’re really going?” Her grandfather’s lip curled up.

Narrcissa nodded. “I am. I’m making my own life, as far away from here as possible.”

“Then go!” He snarled. “I don’t want you in my house if you won’t see a reason. Go.” He picked a book sitting next to him, and hurled it at Narcissa’s head.

She ducked, her hair ruffling by the wind.

She turned to him, tears in her eyes. “Goodbye grandfather. I’m sorry.” She threw open the door, and fled into the night.

---

Narcissa’s heart thudded in her ears. This was it. This was the day she was going to meet her soulmate. She knew she should be realistic, but Narcissa couldn’t help imagining the meeting like something out of the sappy romance novels she liked to read.

She expected the dreary clouds to disappear, and the sun to shine out on top of them.

She expected to know exactly who was her other half

She expected to run up, into their arms, and kiss them like she had wanted to be kissed her entire life.

But Narcissa knew how unlikely it was. But, a girl could hope, couldn’t she?

She inhaled deeply. Uncapping the pen with her teeth, she scrawled on her palm, I’m here

Me too, her soulmate wrote back. The familiar loopy red marks eased Narcissa. She knew this person. This was her soulmate. Everything was going to be okay. It would all be okay.

Her eyes locked onto a girl standing near a bench, her head bent over her hand, a pen tucked behind her ear.

Somehow, Narcissa knew. She knew this was the person she had been searching for her whole life. She knew that the girl was her soulmate.

Summoning every miniscule scrap of courage Narcissa could find, she approached the girl.

She tapped her shoulder. “Hi,” Narcissa breathed, heart pounding. “I’m Narcissa. I think I’m your-”

She was interrupted by the girl throwing her arms around her tightly.

“I’ve waited so long to meet you,” Narcissa’s soulmate said roughly, her voice thick with tears. “I’m Danna.”

Narcissa laughed. She realized she was crying. “Me too.”

“I feel like I already know everything about you,” Danna laughed. She swiped her eyes.

Narcissa nodded. “I know we’re soulmates, but I want you to know I understand if you don’t want me,” she said. “I get it- not all soulmates are really soulmates.”

She was cut off by Danna pressing her lips to hers. “I want you,” Danna breathed. “You're the one who I’ve trusted with every secret I’ve ever held. You’re the one who helped me when no one else could. You’re the one who took care of me.” Danna held their hands up, exposing the thick identical scars that spread across their wrists. “You are the only other person in the world who understood, and actually helped me. You were the hands that held me.” Danna reached her hand to Narcissa’s face, wiping away her tears. “I want you, and no one else.”

“Me too,” Narcissa whispered. “Me too.”

Tag list: @novissa @thepurpledragon4444 @phobidawg @janisarkisian @rvbell @lavenderbloo @redassassin (let me know if you want to be added/taken off!!!)

#danissa #danna bell #narcissa cronin #wlwrenegades #renegades au #Renegades #supernova #archenemies #tw self harm #self harm tw #self harm #tw abuse #tw mentions of abuse #abuse tw #reblogs>>>likes

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gg-astrology · 4 years

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Update Pt. II: Self-Realization and What I’m Going to do with my Old Posts

i.e. You ever experience having Big Fear of saying something on a subject, but being scared someone/something is going to Crash Down on you with a c/o about how Wrong you are? Here’s how I’m dealing with emotions and expectations and Big Fear of Consequences (incase it helps, but its just my personal experience + thoughts) 💕❤️💗

🚫long post🚫

*this is still just an update on what’s been happening in my life?? So this is literally just what I’ve thought about, processing and dealing with. It’s not really meant to be like - here’s a full-out well-explained educational post with an ending conclusion on the subject. I’m literally just recounting events of what happened and how I feel like I’d do to a friend irl - so I hope you guys can take it as such as well!

It’s not a big deal but I think it’s good to process, share and talk about overcoming my own personal issues with you guys!! 💕❤️💗

So:

There’s one day where I woke up (when I was still without my laptop) and saw someone comment on my old post. I have tumblr linked to my email for certain notifications - just so I can screen and know what to expect when I come into my inbox/replies.

Basically, it was an old post that I wrote trying to help anon but I was factually incorrect (to the point where I cringed at the first sentence and then shamed myself to bed 5 hours later) This made me realize my Top 10 Nightmare of Tumblr Paranoia had came true (at long last).

It’s probably bad to expect it to happen? But it happens y know. And I’m actually glad they commented because phew I want to actually make this blog a place where I can actually help people and talk about things more objectively. So heres the thing:

I’m going to go back and clarify parts of it. I’ll mostly keep most of the content intact because I think I had good intentions, I was just Lacking A lot of Fundamental Theory and Boy That’s Not A Good Thing For An Astro Blog NOT To Have.

I want to keep it as a process and archive of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown/learnt. I’m? decidedly not that proud of my earlier works - and there’s things I’m still concerned about that I want to go back and address/re-edit so it could be better. But I think it’s low-key kind of fun to see who you are in the past and how present me would view past me now?

It’s like a scrapbook of my astrology journey as well - like yeah I was wrong on things, but seeing me do more research and making actual pieces of work to complement my studies is like a portfolio of what I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how my objectives have changed (if they have/haven’t) what I could stand before but couldn’t stand now, or maybe some inspiration/insights that I lack now that I might’ve had before. Idk? I just think it’s a cool neat thing to not delete or erase, or Big Fear people will come see because it’s. It’s just there and it’s me.

BUT I do think? I should make it Good for everyone who still have access to the past works. It’s basically in my masterlist so it’s available to literally everyone who decides to check. And it’s NOT good if people get the wrong info because I lacked the knowledge and wrote it in a post, and still made the post accessible to everyone. That’s just.. irresponsible? On my part. And how I put everyone else up to it as well bc of my irresponsibility.

That’s Not Good. So I’m gonna do better to scan through past works and hash it out bit by bit, it’ll take some time but I’ll start with the one that was pointed out - and work my way to other ones as well just to check if they’re ok or not ok.

For Those Who Has The Big Fear as well:

I mentioned at the beginning, this is just me talking about what I want to do about it. I just wanted to share that experience, how I feel (Complete and Utter Shame, that was mixed with Embarrassment and Horror at myself - took me a good 3 days to Process my Feelings and came to that conclusion) -- and just y know -- I’m sure this is not just a Me Thing where you see your past stuff and you Know you’re embarrassed to talk about it. But. It’s not a bad thing. And here’s me living through it.

I think in the future - I’ll continue to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge because I have a lot to learn. There’s plenty of people - you, me, this new person who seems to know terms you haven’t heard of before, this other person who has very formed opinions on things based on their own knowledge - who learnt things and know things.

It’s? difficult to be on top of it all the time, or know everything if you haven’t learnt about it before. So don’t be ashamed or scared that you don’t? Know everything?

When you’re beginning to learn a subject, I don’t know about others, but me and my friend have this Big Fear of saying the wrong thing or coming off too confident in something that’s Wrong and then someone coming after you/calling you out for it -- it was a mistake, or a lack of knowledge but you can’t be faulted for that.

How are you supposed to know something if you didn’t know? That also can’t be shamed. Maybe because we think we have to be accountable for ourselves and our lack of knowledge-- so we don’t offend someone Big who may be more knowledgeable and personally offended by just-- a person not knowing something.

I think we fear the consequences, sometimes more so than talking about it or enjoying the subject in open-ness to each others who have similar interests (there’s also an issue with inadequacy and comparison, but we’ll talk about that later see topic headers below).

I think the idea that we could get Wrecked and Hurt, Completely Mauled Over by something or someone’s influence/ideas that is Larger than us - intimidates us at a moderately core-level into Not Addressing It (i.e. Not Taking Action/Talking). Because the repercussion seems to be... wild, and Maybe We’ll be a ScrapeGoat of an Unfortunate Event and Thats Not Cool At All Yikes.

Addressing All The Fears (a Bundle Around This Big Fear Context)

I’ve talked about it before, like way back earlier in the days. But I’ve always had a Big Fear of this. That’s part of why I get so intimidated when someone I like/look up to follow me?

There’s always the tiny nagging suspicion and doubt underneath my anxiety regarding this topic - like I’m unsure whether they’re going to see how I talk, what I say, what I’m providing for others and cast judgement that it isn’t good enough - like maybe I’m wrong about something and I’ll have to live with it (unreasonable but still, a Fear) and they can See that and Know i’m wrong. That’s a big Shame and Embarrassed feeling for me (i.e. making a fool of myself, which is?? essentially what this is on)

I think throughout my time here... I’ve begun to slowly mend my ideas about that fear. Part of it is because I’ve learnt more, I’m more active in using my skill-sets.

It’s because I have this blog - that I decided I’m going to start it, and it’ll keep me active in learning that I got to build up my skill-set and kept myself in-check from there. I got to interact with different topics and themes, double-check my own understanding of topics/subjects, sure I don’t know anything and everything. All of this is just what I’ve learnt, and me actively learning as I go - and while it was -- Big Fear and Unstable Ground for a while, eventually I learnt to rely more on -- the support system and people who do appreciate you, like you, what they talk about with you.

You learn to appreciate the systems around you - the ones who interact and likes or ask and talk about stuff. The Fear and Responsibilities gets less and less fearful, because I’ve built trust in others - and it’s a reality check: that not all that’s in my head is good for me. Not even myself and my own thought is as good to me as the reality you live/have around you sometimes. And thats -- a fortunate thing, that’s something to not be taken for granted, and something I have to be thankful for. It directly addresses possible issues I didn’t know I had -- about how much this was weighing on me, by relieving me from it bit by bit as well.

And that’s what I should note on, because even just a solitary ‘like’ on a social media site-- when you’re scared or unsure of whether you’ve made a right call -- is enough of a support for you to rest a little easier, knowing someone else got what you intended and support you morally as well.

Standards and Logic: Ideals

I still get Big Fear because of my own ideals - like sometimes I have a mean voice? That just goes ‘you’re an astrology blog - your core/most basic requirement is to KNOW basic facts about astrology’ and then it goes ‘you NOT knowing something about the subject -- something basic, and STILL getting it wrong is absolutely irredeemable’

You know what’s the worst part about the mean voice? It’s because it’s my brain, it’s how I reason and logic. This is how I hold my own standards and ideals, and no matter how kind I am to others, my own core self isn’t kind to myself. Fundamentally --- since I couldn’t resolve it, I believe it’s my standard and is underlying in how I treat others too (even if I actively work to Not Let That Happen or Be True, it’s still a part of me).

I don’t want to treat others like that. That’s the scariest part. Part of the reason why it’s so hard - is because we see reason why our mean voice makes sense. To me, that’s objectively the ideal and standard. I already gave it my consent and agreement by understanding it’s logic - and now I fear it.

A part of me just going through this - is confronting this standard issue and my ideals. I think -- all of us who have Big Fear in some ways, understands the logic in just being Good at what you start out to do. Fundamentally, objectively. It kinda makes sense that if you’re going to write about biochem - you should get it right so you don’t fuck up about it.

But I think you all can tell now - reading it in third person - how you’re allowed to make mistakes? If you’re willing to say that to someone else and understand that-- even if you write about biochem, but you might’ve missed a few marks because you got the answer wrong--- it doesn’t mean you’ve completely jeopardize the subject itself and everyone who’s a master at it. You’ve just made a mistake. And everyone - realistically - realizes how little it matters when you admit or realize you’ve made a whoopsie.

Making Mistakes - Accepting Being Wrong To Not Become an Asshole

A mistake is a mistake, it’s a human error. People fuck up sometimes, but -- we learn from our mistakes.

It’s just a matter of accepting it in the first place? Being able to accept the mistake is what differentiate being an asshole to actually not letting it hinder you and moving on.

I think -- just in my case -- I can see why it’s easy to cling on. If you only have your skill-sets to hold onto to, it’s hard to accept any other form of opinions or ideas that challenges it. I think that’s -- ego -- but also defense/offensive action.

Not -- ‘im offended’ but more like, a tactical offense. I’ve seen people who manipulate others because they only have their skill-sets. Making the audience sway in their narrative and perspectives because they say it’s the ‘truth’ and that they’re knowledgeable or have experiences. I don’t necessarily agree with what they do, but that’s -- not on me, and I don’t care because that’s not something I?? feel comfortable addressing.

I offered this brief example - because it’s the opposite of ‘well I don’t feel adequate about my knowledge, maybe I shouldn’t say something because I don’t have anything to offer?’ - here’s an example of someone who has knowledge, and is saying something. But is perhaps doing it in a way that isn’t... ideal as well.

So if you think about the alternative: Which would you rather be?

We just gotta know how to deal with it and address all the different elements to it as we can (what we’ve touched on earlier: own voice, judgement from others, concrete-starting something and self-expectations, fearful of expectations, not accepting being wrong or making mistakes as an OK thing to do, and how to deal with it kinda)

Future Embarrassment (Continuous habit of being Embarrassed and Feeling Inadequate About your Skill-sets/Knowledge)

I’ve always thought about this - like how do I stop myself from being embarrassed and ashamed when I can’t fault myself for not knowing before - the only solution I can find for myself is just to do good.

Not suddenly go research and be on top of it with information + overloading myself like That kind of Good-good (‘im good at what I do’ -- not that type of good, confidence in skills doesn’t cover up insecurities and fear, but you can be confident in other areas you can shine light on better about yourself!)

Do good to me is to chew what I can, say when I can’t, have good intentions and offer the things you CAN give. If it’s insight, clarifications, open-opinions - most people who are coming to you and asking for you are people who appreciates intentions. Just as you expect the same back.

The most consistent thing I’ve ever done is to just be in the mindset of wanting to be good and pushing myself to be good. I’m not saying I’m like -- 100% whole-heartedly a Good Person. But if I just focus on my intent, how it underlines everything, keeping things clear with that intention in mind. As long as I aspire to be good to others, there’s not much else anyone can say to harm me or my motives I think.

Maybe I’m not that good in terms of skill-sets, but more in terms of wanting to do objectively the best that I can, and wanting the best for others. That’s the two things I keep in my mind and goals; in your own heart. Regardless of everything - these two things will keep you going if you truly want and work towards it.

Comparison to others/Inadequacy

I think that to others - maybe other people who have the same goal in mind; maybe same heart, maybe this would mean to do what they can and perhaps they are capable of achieving skill-sets, overcoming insecurities with knowledge and Not Feel Overwhelmed.

But I know that’s not for me? Not how I work or the best I can offer - of course I attempt it too and yeah it works sometimes, but my constant and my ideas haven’t been about being right or correct whenever I post or say something (although I strive to try and do it right, as much as I can) -- it’s always been about realistically - what can I do, what can I give that’s 100% me and what’s needed/capable of doing?

It’s hard because there’s also -- ideals about what IS the best solution. Like when presented with the same problems, same ask. You have two different people who share the same ideals and thoughts - both agreeing that the best way is to do it ‘like this’ - but one does it better and the other watches it knowing they couldn’t have executed it as flawlessly.

And maybe you’re the other - but that, doesn’t make it any less obvious when you see it in third-person that the other person has their own gift and methods that is just as valuable as the one who did the good execution. They provide and support one another, just have to find their wings and respect, appreciate and cherish (lift up) one another’s skill-sets and capabilities as well.

It’s hard to apply it back to yourself -- that your thoughts, words and knowledge is valuable to anyone or that it’s Not lacking in some ways. What you see of yourself - there’s others who sees it in a more tender way than you do. What you can control, and what you can do best, is to not expect yourself to be unrealistic - but expect to be realistic about what you can provide, if all else fails, anyways.

Stick to your guns - I’m basically just trying to say that. The feeling of inadequacy (that’s literally the core of it, underneath the shame) is fine -- and yeah. I don’t have? I’ve written alot but I hope this comes through well.

I’m working through it but I hope, this helps a little. If you’ve read it at all. It’s long and rambly, but I hope this -- helps? Anyone else? Or just myself who’s working through it. But -- I hope this gives strength or support to anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading if you’ve read!!!

#personal #psa #update #pt.2 #oooof long #queue-t

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xxstyleart · 5 years

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Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

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He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

#grisha #grisha trilogy #the grisha trilogy #grishaverse #the darkling #thedarkling #alina #alina starkov #alinastarkov #mal #siegeandstorm #siege and storm #nanfe1789 #pangieeyang #grishafanfic #fanfic #siegeandstormfanfic #grisha fanfic #grisha trilogy fanfic

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sailor-cresselia · 5 years

Text

Zi-O Ep 36: Let’s mix it up a little!

So, I did things a little differently this week. Me and @miyukomatsuda were watching Marcosatsu’s History of Kabuto vid, and she suggested we watch Zi-O 36 together., too, since watching this alone my first time through would have been AWFUL. So, my notes might be a little. Weird this time around. I’m going to try to transcribe my chat with her in here.

*Fair warning, it gets a little... swear-y in here this time. Also, sorry for the length. Chats do that, and this is condensed down.*

(M is Miyuko, S is me.)

M: wanna try suffering through zi o

S: sure, just give me a couple minutes to get something

M: (thumbsup emoji)

S: how do we want to do this?

M: this should work. and if in doubt we both have the ep downloaded

- (insert cut here) -

M: Ginga. What is you

S: SPACE MAN

M: -suddenly here

S: WAIT NO THATS GEN

S: ahahaha “his power is worlds beyond us”

M: 13 THIS IS ON YOU

S: DECADE THIS IS ON YOU

M: Woz: “fuck if I know guys”

M: 13 AND DECADE THIS ON YOU

[there’s a whole group chat thing about a Doctor Who / Kamen Rider crossover universe, so the whole ‘Ginga’s from some other far off region of space-time’ thing brought it back up]

S: Swartz: FUCKING SWEET - whoops no Swartz is pissed never mind

M: *sweet new toy*

M: Woz: >:(

S: “world is /mine/ to destroy”

M: hahahaha

M: Woz: >:|

M: (dancing emoji, because we hit the OP)

M: I still think the statues are gonna unstatue in show

S: over quartzer is a JAM (don’t mind me, singing along)

M: that’s a MATH BREAKS THE WALLS level weird

M: (same hat) Rider music is top tier.

[title card, “2019: First Love, Finaly!”]

S: first kokoros

M: okay yuko.

M: LAYING IT ON A WEEE BIT THICK THERE MY DUDE

[swartz was sucking up to Yuko for her assistance w/ Ginga]

S: hora’s so tired of this

M: if he is a servant to oma zi o-explains a lot

M: TIME FOR BOWING

M: ofc woz is second

S: ahaha he just yoinks hora and heure

S: everyone drags geiz

M: YANK HIM DOWN

M: FORCES HIS KIDS DOWN

M: AND THEY JUST SLAM GEIZ DOWN

S: hve to shove him and hora download

M: JUST FUCKING LEAVES

S: woz and swartz are first to drop to their knees

S: WOW SCREW THIS LADY

M: of course woz does this

M: AND NOW FOR: INOUE IS SEXIST

M: heure laughing at swartz tho

S: HEURE GET OUT OF THERE

M: RUN KID

S: YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER

M: Woz: MajoOu

S: WOZ NO

M: me: :) (I KNEW IT!)

S: horny on main for evil

S: sougo’s kingdom to know why he betrayed the rebellion

M: SOUGO: GET YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR PANTS YOU DUMB KITTY

S: SOUGO NO

S: YOU KNOW LIKE NYA

M: AND THEN SHE LIES TO HIM. LIAR

S: BLATANTLY NOT HER

M: Sougo you DUMB KITTY -SOUGO I AM FUCKING KINK SHAMING YOU

S: sougo ffs

M: INOUEEEEEE

M: Geiz is gonna kill him for real

S: uncle’s so confused

M: poor uncle

[miyuko had to go get food at this point]

M: IWAE I RETURN

S: IAWAE

M: Also Uncle: IT’S A MIRACLE

S: “screw this ginga guy, I don’t give a f. i’mma queen now”

S: the fact swartz actually thought this would work when she already hated him

M: that’s hilarious

M: Woz in the straightest he’s acted all season

S: sougo is a stupid stupid cat. surprised he’s never gotten his head stuck in a box

M: incredibly dumb kitty

M: SOUGO PUT DOWN THAT MILK. IT’S STUPID JUICE

S: ...i wonder if someone’s drawn that now actually after this arc

M: i’ve seen sougo with kitty ears-

M: UNCLE

S: NYA

M: GEIZ TRIES TO FLEE THIS BAD EP

M: Sougo you DUMB Kitty

S: sougo why do you know she had a bf in ‘08? you met her a long time before that.

[I was wrong, he met her in ‘08, she did the violence in ‘15]

M: Those poor extras on the stairs

S: GINGA RETURNS. KILLIN ERRYONE

M: TO TORMENT A STRIP MALL

S: ahahahah that’s hilarious

[I was talking about the fact that it’s just a freaking strip mall, not the fact that Ginga was destroying EVERYTHING]

M: also: something I noticed

S: that’s a fucking showa era attack name if I every heard one [Dynamite Sunshine]

M: thanks to a youtube comp of woz’s speech... Woz does the energy blast that our main three time jackers do

S: fourze and faiz pt 1

M: yeah!

S: one does not interupt his overlord’s transformation

M: I think woz is a time jacker.

S: also he kicked geiz’s ass in wizard pt 1

M: And of course bastard man is fine while his cohorts get blown back

S: b/c he’s too OP

M: SOUGO NO. SOUGO YOU DUMB KITTY

S: also evidence for woz being a time jacker: Hat!Woz called Swartz ‘Sir Swartz’

S: FFS SOUGO [when he took the hit for Yuko]

M: (yeah!)

M: also. JIRO

M: JIRO WHY

S: Woof. awoo

M: [don’t awoo, $350 penalty sign]

S: :sad wolf:

M: HE’S SOLAR POWERED [re: Ginga]

M: oh hey otoya violin

S: EVIL KIKAI

M: SOUGO GET YOUR HEART AND YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR PANTS

S: Sougo you stupid, stupid cat, she’s just got a ruler complex

M: YOU DUMB KITTY WHO I AM KINK SHAMING

[re: sougo calling her Miss Sailor, because that’s what he’s always called his crush]

S: it’s just your nickname for her anyway, she wouldn’t have known it even if it IS her

S: She’d be in charge sougo. you’d be the consort

M: HIS FACE

S: “WHOOPS”

M: Canon sougo: “OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT CHILDREN”

S: “FORGOT ABOUT THE HEIR PART”

[lost some more of the chat. Couldn’t quite screencap it because Rabbit disagreed with keeping the chat where I scrolled to]

S: GOODBYE

M: YEET. TIME FOR A FIGHT

S: AWOOOO

S: so like where did she GET these three? And why does this only this one seem to be aware

M: I think it’s SUPPOESD to be the real vers and they just serve Kiva

S: It’s *probably* him.

S: True, Kiva’s a title, isn’t it? Like hibiki.

S: also PRIME time to pause that wow [Jiro saying “Men become more refined through pain.”]

M: OF COURSE. INOUEEEEE

M: BYE JIRO YOU WERE POINTLESS

S: INOUE NO

S: FAREWELL PUPPER

M: oh hey the bf

M: “scary”

S: understatement of the era

M: OF COURSE

M: Geiz now has to see a murder

M: MANHOLE. Which note she can barely lift. JFC

S: YUKO NO

S: SHE TRAINED LATER

M: WAHT THE FUCK LADY

S: AND LEARNS TO KICK THEM UP. IN HEELS

M: Poor Tetsuya

S: SHE DID A MURDER

M: WHY WOULD YOU HANG OUT TOGETHER JFC

S: you idiots you made it easier for her

M: YEET. RIP ALL THREE OF THESE DUDES.

S: yooooo.

M: SORRY YOU WON’T GET PAID FOR WATCH REPAIR JUNICHIRO

M: SOUGO YOU ABSOLUTE DUMB KITTY

S: I like how the Another Kiva transformation includes the bats instead of just the usual Another Rider special effects

[on to the last fight against Ginga]

M: Ey! TOKI NO OUJA

S: YES [it’s actually the instrumental used as a fight music, but it’s still always nice to hear. I like noting the piano versions more, though. The ones that are used for atmosphere]

M: YEET! THIS MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN NORMAL

S: WHEN IN DOUBT, THROW THE SWORD. THROWING YOUR SWORD ALWAYS WORKS.

M: SURE WHY NOT

[seriously, Sougo, Geiz, and Woz all threw their weapons at Ginga, then rider kicked said weapons into his chest as the finisher. wtf]

S: beams the hell out of there

[Woz nabs the Ginga watch with his scarf]

M: YOINK

M: “I CAN’T TRINITY ANYMORE”

S: Swartz: YOINK GOT YOUR- HOLD UP

S: Woz: “I CAN’T KEEP DOING THAT”

M: the real reason Woz did this is clearly: “FUCK YOU I AM NOT BODYSHARING AGAIN”

S: “Waga Maou I adore you but. No. I can’t do this again.

M: also lbr SWARTZ WOULD BE TERRIFYING WITH GINGA’S POWER

M: JFC LADY, HE **DUMPED** YOU

S: Swartz is terrifying with his OWN power

M: SOUGO PLS STOP WITH THE STUPID JUICE

S: SOUGO

M: SOUGO AND JON BOTH DRANK STUPID JUICE THIS WEEK

S: at least he’s *kind of* willing to fight her.

M: AT LEAST JON MANNED UP AND KILLED DANY

S: okay only kind of

M: Woz: “FUCK THIS, MY TURN”

S: he pulled out the watch at least

S: UCHUU KITAA

M: :D HE ABRIDGED

S: WOZ

M: I hope he makes the full speech next time :D

S: GOTTA CUT IT SHORT

M: (I love woz’s speeches)

S: waga maou is being a moron

M: OKAY

S: don’t have time for this

M: Woz: **FUCK THIS I ROLL TO USE GINGA**

M: everyone: **THANK YOU**

[for ref, Miyuko has an AU where the Heisei Rider seasons are D&D campaigns]

M: -SO MANY QUESTIONS

S: and they just turn back into their weapon forms

M: yeah

S: not even disappear, just the weapons again

M: they uh kind of got sealed in their-

M: STOP

M: INOUE

S: INOUE, Another Riders don’t DIE

M: **THANK FUCK** BUT ALSO INOUE

S: OH WAIT IT’S HORA

S: BANG

M: GOOD RIDDENCE

S: I MEAN SHE HAD IT COMING BUT

M: :(

M: INOUEEEEEE

M: first heartbreak, WOZ PLS

M: toki no ouja

S: HEY WE NEVER HAD THE RECAP EARLIER

M: INOUEEEE

M: SHE RUINED PIE FOR HIM

S: om nom pie

M: WOZ JUST INHALING PIE

S: YOINKING YOUR PIE (respect the pie)

M: GEIZ NEARLY CHOKING THIS TIME (Woz choked on pie TWICE last time)

M: SOUGO’S REAL FIRST LOVE AS PLAYED BY YURI FROM KIVA

M: -oh my fucking god he’s a cat jfc

S: sougo. no. sweetie.

M: Tsukuyomi are you the only women who didn’t know this would work

M: NEXT TIME

M: OKAY

S: Decade: STOP THAT

S: Decade: I am the multiverses janitor

M: well if tendou can’t come back might as well get his successor to arrogance

S: ahahahah

M: DO YOU SEE WY I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE CRINGE JFC

S: YEAH

M: INOUE WHAT THE FUCK

S: WOW. NOT GREAT

M: THAT IS NOT AN EP TO WATCH ALONE

S: MY NOTES WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN “uuuggghghh”

M: that was me watching

M: I GIFFED parts because of how bad it was and I need people to KNOW in chat

S: this was. Bad. So bad. neither villain did well

M: nope

S: just yeet ginga back off into space

M: rider wikia says we learn ginga lore next time too so HERE’S FUCKING HOPING

S: Thats something

M: and yuko just got TRASHED

S: RIGHT BECAUSE METEORITE AND SPACE

M: SHE DIDN’T NEED TO BE INSANE INOUE

S: AND HE’S FROM SPACE

M: Ginga also means Galaxy

S: ye, I know

M: ye. Themeing. -also

S: SPACE MAN

M: has sougo not used fourze armor before now because I thought he did

M: WHY IS SOUGO UCHU KITA-ING

S: he’s used it in it’s debut

M: **SOUGO WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GENTARO**

S: and then in the mass fight against the Another Riders in the Another ZiO arc. but that’s it

M: yeah! Ty

M: SOUGO WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GENTARO NOW WHY IS THAT IN THE PREVIEW-

M: oh my god

S: much like gatakiriba, it would probably murder the CG budget

M: he’s going to fucking space.

M: THEY’RE GOING TO FUCKING SPCAE ARNE’T THEY

S: the zi-o Fourze finisher is him just. Armoring up and BEING the rocket. It was ridiculous.

M: YEP. I love it!

S: goes all Snipe Level One on the monster, spinning like a bullet

M: YUP. Remember him fucking up build’s catch phrase AND math

S: even Ryuuga knew he was getting it wrong. that takes “skill”

M: WHEN EVEN THE BF KNOWS

S: we should have seen babby reality warper coming when he used Ex-Aid and took the speciall effects and threw them at the Another Rider

M: yep

S: ~casual reminder that zi o can be read as ‘character king’~

M: (eyes emoji)

S: ~as in written character~

So, over all… NOT A GOOD EPISODE. I basically went from assorted variants of “Eh” to “ugh why this” throughout. This was definitely a low point on the ‘tribute episodes’ scale, and that’s taking the character assassination from the Build arc into account.

#kamen rider zi o #sailorcressy says #sorry for the length

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wildgeese2017 · 3 years

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i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.

i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.

people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul.

i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche

i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.

as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.

is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.

one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.

everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now.

i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.

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fatphobiabusters · 7 years

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Hi! First of all, I’d like to apologize for the random, empty account… I haven’t been on in forever and can’t for the life of me remember my login info. Oops. This is also going to be kind of long, sorry!

I need some advice about a friend who has recently gained a lot of weight. Before you cringe, let me assure you: I’m not looking for advice on how to get her to lose weight or anything like that. I loved and supported fiercely her when she was thin, and that’s equally true now that she’s fat. Anyway, my friend, (let’s call her Anna) has gained maybe 50 or so pounds over the past 6ish months. I won’t speculate as to why or how, and I honestly don’t really know. It doesn’t matter. I’m proud to say that while our group ranges from thin to “average”, we all try extremely hard to be body- and fat-positive. We’ve made a massive effort to eliminate fat shaming, negative body talk, assigning “guilt” or other traits to food, etc. We’re certainly not perfect, but what I’m trying to get at is that none of us think negatively of Anna for gaining weight and we want to make her feel as safe and supported as possible.

This is the first time in her life that Anna has been fat. She comes from a thin family, and as I said, our friend group is pretty much just varying degrees of thin. No matter how fat-positive we try to be, I get that she’s probably feeling a lot of conflicting emotions and that it has to be extremely hard to go from being conventionally attractive to not. We’ve all been trying to treat her normally, but it seems like everything we do is wrong. For example, we used to all go to a spin class followed by brunch every Sunday morning. It was something we really enjoyed.

Now whenever we invite her, she says it makes her feel like we’re pressuring her to lose weight. If we invite her to a meal, she says she’s worried that we’ll start judging her for whatever she eats. If we don’t invite her, she says we’re embarrassed by her and don’t want to be friends with her because she’s fat. She doesn’t want to go shopping for obvious and understandable reasons. We’ve had some low-key nights in at someone’s house, but we’ve always been more inclined to go out and explore the city, try new restaurants, etc. Anna included. She’s lost all interest in that. Based on my own experiences with depression, I think she’s likely depressed. We’re kind of at a loss. Every invitation is interpreted as a judgment, but if we do something without her, we’re shunning her. We’re trying to have more movie nights since she seems to like those, but the rest of us have things we want to do out of the house together and while we would like Anna to be with us, we can’t collectively put our lives on hold to walk on eggshells around her. We certainly try not to flaunt group outings that she isn’t a part of, but we’re not going to lie and say they didn’t happen, either.

We’ve tried to gently encourage her to maybe talk to someone about what she’s going through. Most of us have been through therapy at some point, so we’ve tried opening up about our experiences and how they’ve helped. We also complied a list of fat-friendly practitioners in our area (we used different language, as we had a hunch “fat-friendly” wouldn’t go over well) but she said that she’s fine and that we’re, again, judging her. I want to take her word for it, but she’s seemingly lost interest in everything and has withdrawn from everyone she used to be close to. I’m worried.

Things got a lot worse a few weeks ago. I’m getting married in a few weeks and she is, of course, one of my bridesmaids. We all picked out the bridesmaids dresses together back before she gained weight, and while I was down for everyone to pick different styles, the entire bridal party ended up loving the same one and unanimously chose it. Awesome. Unfortunately, the dress she picked and was measured for no longer fits and the brand does not go up to her new size. Which is terrible in its own right, but we can’t go back in time and pick a more inclusive designer. She was really embarrassed at the fitting, understandably, because no matter how body positive you and your homies are, that’s an awkward situation. I told her I didn’t care at all if she wanted to find a different dress to wear, but she said she doesn’t want to stand out as the “fatty” (her words) who couldn’t fit into the same dress. Understandable. She says the only way she’ll be comfortable is if we all get new dresses. While I really want to be down with that, and I am in theory, there are a couple issues. Between the dresses themselves and the alterations, all of the bridal party has sunk a good amount of money into these dresses and none of us can really afford to just eat the cost. Especially because everyone would also have to buy a new dress. It’s too late for us to get refunds. Anna offered some choices that could fit everyone, but they’re all way out of our budgets at this point and probably not available on short notice. Anna is now very committed to all the bridesmaids matching so that she doesn’t stand out. We could try to find things off the rack, but there’s no guarantee we’ll find something that works for everyone and I’m really not comfortable asking my grad student friends to sink even more cash into my wedding.

I really don’t know what the solution is. Everything that Anna feels would make her feel comfortable is too pricey, but I also want her to feel loved and supported. I very much want her in my wedding party, but not if it’s going to be bad for her mental health. If we had more cash or time or both, every single person would gladly shell out for a new dress, but that’s not our reality. We’re doing our best to find something inexpensive, but as you are aware, it’s not exactly easy to find affordable clothes in a wide range of sizes. Anna’s called me several times crying, saying that everyone hates her for this, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. We love her, we want her to be happy, but we don’t know how to help. At one of our movie nights she drunkenly confessed that she’s started self-harming again, and I’m honestly just really worried about where she is emotionally.

So… help. I know I probably sound narcissistic as all hell going on about my wedding party, but I feel like all of this has really brought her insecurities and anxieties to a head. I don’t know what to do. Do you guys have any advice? What can my friends and I do to help Anna get to a better place? What can we do to make her feel more supported? And finally, do you have any advice on finding a solution to the dress issue?

Sorry for how long this was and for all the venting. I hope it doesn’t come across as me just dumping on Anna - I can’t stress enough that I don’t blame her for any of her feelings or how she’s dealing with them. I just want to help. :( She is a beautiful, intelligent, kind, and funny person who deserves to wake up every day knowing that. If I could put my life on hold until she’s in a better place, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t, so I want to be for her however I can, whether that means finding new ways to be her friend or giving her space. Any advice you have is really appreciated.

This is hella real. I’m proud of you for being upfront about the situation. You’re not entirely blaming the situation on Anna and also you’re admitting you’re not perfect. You’re aware of the reality of the situation in spite of everyone’s expectations [ including your friend ] , and you’re trying to work on middle ground so everyone can feel welcomed. This is what we go for here at fatphobiabusters. But its harder when it comes to fighting inner demons. Its no secret that we can be our own worst critics, and as much as you try to be supportive of your friend here, Anna’s got her own battle to fight. This is a classic textbook case of internalized fatphobia , where she has such a hard hate for fat that she hates herself because of it. This isnt new; we fight people all the time for their internalized fatphobia [ or at the very least make themselves aware of it ] and while its heart wrenching to see charming, bright and worthy people beat themselves up for something so harmless as fat, there’s nothing really that can be done. Its their choice and battle to work on finding ways to build their self-esteem. You and your friends are perfect proof of how we’d like to see fat people be treated–no different. You include her to all your activities and still want her to be a part of your life. You even realized that the situation of her depression might be a little out of your range of support and offered her some better help in the form of counselling. It was Anna that went against it as well as the offer to find a dress specifically for her. Anna hating her body for the weight gain and refusing to continue on with life is a classic example of internalized fatphobia. I cannot say that I know what she’s been through because i’ve been fat all my life, so I never had the experience of a sudden change of weight, but I’m sure any drastic change to someone who isnt ready for it can be hard. You and your friends have handled this new situation really well. But it sounds to me that Anna is the one thats really having trouble accepting her body for how it is right now. She’s is allowing her demon’s expectations of how a body should look stop her from enjoying life and being happy. ‘Cause its not the fat. Fat people still live happy and fulfilling lives. That fat isnt grabbing her and forcing her to stop living life. It’s her. Now, as far as advice, it sounds to me like you did the right thing. You let her know that she’s still welcomed into the wedding and you can help her find a dress that is simular [ perhaps in color ] and in her size or maybe one that will make her new body type dazzle. Or, at the very least you can even suggest about finding matching acessories [cute matching earrings or same colored shoes! ] to still support her. But, just because she’s feeling self-coucious about her newly added weight shouldnt put the breaks on your special day. I really admire that you’re trying to accomodate Anna as well, but you’ve done a lot of support and help already, and it sounds to me she’s doing very little to help herself. It does take a lot of time to coordinate a wedding …and while it sucks that something happened beyond control, there shouldn’t be a complete stop and change because one person is feeling uncomfortable. This is a good time for boundaries… and of course it can be done with love, compassion and compromise. She may be upset with that answer. She may be mad and hurt. It might be an interesting talk. But, the way I feel , if you keep reminding her that you’re still her friend and you don’t see her differently because of the change and weight, then that’s all you can do. Because, when all of this is said and done, we are not in control of other people’s emotions. They are in control of taking care of themselves, whatever that self care looks like , as well as what coping mechanisms they decide to use. This could also be a good time to suggest to her about finding that peace with her body. Perhaps show her this blog or others and help her come to terms that its okay to be fat! I apologize if the answer is long winded [ you gave me a lot to work with! ] but I hope this helps. Keep on being awesome and congrats on the wedding! - Mod Dom

#Submission #domino speaks #internalized fatphobia #submission #gif warning

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Drew & Carly

Drew: doing my head in Carly: record time Carly: wanna swap seats Drew: funny Drew: sitting next to ro, remember, not ali Carly: shes alright Drew: don't think she's down Drew: soz babe Carly: ha Carly: k but shes not dtf you either Carly: poor baby Drew: fuck off Drew: how would you know Carly: your mood is a giveaway Carly: i kno when youre frustrated boy Drew: bet I won't be by the time this trip is over Carly: idc Carly: make that bet w your gf Drew: lies Drew: poor baby Drew: don't reckon she'd appreciate that Carly: ha Carly: why would i lie Drew: 'cos even if you do care, can't have what you want Carly: i can fuck you whenever i want Carly: rn if i wanted to Drew: weren't talking 'bout me Drew: but nah Carly: k Carly: now youre lying Drew: nope Carly: you didnt come into my inbox to cry about your gf Carly: or did you & your that lad now Carly: embarrassing Drew: don't be a bitch Drew: looking for some peace and quiet is that so much to ask Carly: from me yea Carly: you kno i dont do quiet Carly: not w you Drew: ha Drew: cute Carly: & true Carly: arent you bored Carly: dont you wanna have some fun this trip Drew: i told you i'm going to Drew: w ro Carly: yea Carly: get out my inbox then i gotta make my own Carly: plenty of lads on this coach Drew: and girls Carly: nah Carly: back to boys you kno Drew: shame Drew: good times Carly: yea but youre boring now Drew: fuck off Drew: nah i ain't Drew: ali is Carly: tell your missus Carly: ali can still party Drew: not with us Carly: yea Carly: if she wanted Carly: youre the one on a chain Drew: i do what i want Drew: whenever i want Carly: do something then Carly: be fun Drew: whaddya want me to do on this packed coach Carly: the bathroom is free Carly: but k youre too scared to start the party Drew: not scared Drew: just not a moron Carly: k Carly: ill ask someone else Drew: u do that Drew: know it won't be as good as me Carly: ha Carly: maybe used to be Carly: reckon youve lost your touch Carly: married life will do that like Drew: you reckon? Drew: you wish Carly: i kno Carly: its written on you Carly: bored & boring Carly: you couldnt turn me on now Drew: yea yea yea Drew: otherwise written all over your face, babe Carly: ha no Carly: check me out as much as you want you wont see that Drew: so up yourself Carly: cuz im not gonna waste my time w you k Carly: my das more fun than you rn Drew: know you're a traveller like Drew: but that's sick Carly: you cant even slag me off proper these days Carly: who are you Carly: sad Drew: 'cos I don't need another bird doing my head in Drew: all chat but you're the same as her, like Carly: fuck off Carly: nothing ive said i wouldnt follow through on Carly: youre the one thats being a pussy Drew: yeah? well you're a nag Drew: I don't wanna fuck you, get off my dick Carly: get out my inbox Carly: you came pouting to me Drew: 'scuse me for thinking you were different Carly: what do you want boy? Drew: forget it Carly: nah Carly: ask for it Drew: Already did Drew: just be a laugh, yeah, don't get on at me Carly: k Carly: whats in it for me tho? Carly: genuinely asking Drew: idk Drew: didn't promise there was Carly: least youve finally stopped lying Drew: ugh Drew: thought we were getting somewhere girl Carly: im only saying Carly: dont get in a mood Drew: i ain't Drew: who are u sharing a room with Carly: nobody Carly: the numbers are off Drew: lucky Carly: you should be more like me & people wouldnt wanna share w you Drew: always have caleb Drew: banging on and on about his girl Carly: no thanks Drew: didn't think so Drew: nightmare Carly: welcome to the other bed Carly: unless your gonna call me a nympho over it Drew: teachers won't be down but might take you up on that Carly: idc Carly: dont think they were down for me being on this trip Carly: but i paid my money Drew: yeah, that's all they care about Drew: though they were all out there with the behave or you'll get kicked threats Drew: standard Carly: yea Carly: try & send me back home my ma & da arent there Carly: be very irresponsible like Drew: they never are Drew: but they don't need to know that Carly: news to them i had a passport Drew: yeah, only last 5 years don't they? Drew: guess when you was 10 they couldn't always piss off without ya Carly: ha Carly: youre funny when youre not sulking Drew: shut up Drew: 'cos you're alright when you're not being a bitch Carly: ive not been a bitch to you since i was making you work for your 3way Drew: well that was hot so acceptable Carly: k so i can be a bitch if im hot yea Carly: ill remember that Drew: goes without saying Drew: fit girls can get away with anything Carly: so you do think im fit Drew: you know you are Carly: yea but idk what you think Drew: gotta keep you guessing, babe Carly: please Drew: please what? Carly: please do Carly: im bored Drew: same Carly: i can pass you my water bottle if you want Carly: all i could smuggle tho Drew: realtalk Drew: no one's smuggling over borders Drew: not worth the aggro Drew: you'll get stuff here no doubt, i'm losing a week's wages 😒 Carly: its a holiday Carly: itll be worth it Carly: especially if you arent all talk Carly: your gf be losing her v like Drew: i ain't but she is Drew: gonna be hard to get her to 🤐 but if anyone can Carly: in it for the challenge Carly: i get it now Drew: what's to get Drew: she's hot Carly: k Carly: but uptight Drew: better than loose Carly: nah Carly: dont tell me you dont want a girl whod let you do anything Drew: not if she's let every cunt do the same, nah Drew: besides, can train a girl like Ro Carly: she isnt stupid enough to blindly follow commands Carly: or you around Drew: 🤔 we'll see Drew: not that its stupid Drew: i'm not fun to be around? Carly: you were Carly: before you got a wife Drew: not asking for ya Drew: but see, you know what you're missing Carly: youre a good fuck ive never denied it Carly: fun when you want Drew: exactly Drew: its Ro's turn to find out Carly: so go chat her up Carly: you love foreplay Drew: don't reckon she wants her first time to be in the coach toilets Carly: ha Carly: didnt mean you had to do it now boy Drew: you know Drew: work fast Carly: yea Carly: thats romance Carly: dont keep a girl waiting Drew: I am capable Drew: if the situation calls Carly: dont waste that info on me Drew: never Carly: seat swap w me tho Carly: up the front is not a party Carly: you throw up once cuz your hanging & get stuck there for life Drew: 😂 Drew: diddums Drew: alright Drew: can chat up woodfield Drew: caleb will be buzzin' Carly: shes got a body under those new jeans Carly: a goer i reckon Drew: you would Drew: only boys my arse 😏 Carly: gotta do something Carly: bored enough to break a few rules Drew: i see u Drew: MY girlfriend, remember? Carly: what do you think you see Drew: just sayin', asking to move, then saying you're gonna lez off Drew: not that thick 😂 Carly: but obvious Carly: as fantasies go you could do better Drew: been there Drew: done that Carly: not w her Carly: shes no ali but thats mean Drew: again, doubt she'll want you there to help with the devirginizing Drew: try not to take it person Carly: i dont wanna be there Carly: the first time is always shit Drew: nah Drew: not with me Carly: ha Carly: youre not that good Drew: pshhh Drew: don't be bitter Carly: im not Carly: its facts Carly: shell be so nervous youll be lucky if you get more than the tip in Carly: probs shes a crier too Drew: shut up Carly: its not your bad Carly: just how it is Carly: itll get better Carly: maybe good Drew: well it's off-putting Drew: men don't need to know about that stuff Drew: keep it to yourselves Carly: k Carly: just trying to help you be more than all chat Drew: yeah right Drew: like you wanna help her Carly: why wouldnt i Carly: i said shes alright Drew: still, no need to be that charitable Drew: why d'you care? Carly: not offering to warm her up for you babe Carly: ive probs hung out w her more than you have Carly: why shouldnt i care Drew: 'cos she ain't your girlfriend Drew: between me and her, not the fucking committee Carly: unlike you i can care about people im not fucking Drew: 🙄 Drew: whatevs Carly: why do you care if i talk about her or not Carly: that i kno her Drew: 'cos i know what girls are like Drew: always talking Carly: me and her arent bffs Carly: i wouldnt be talking to you if we were Drew: i'd hope not Carly: so dont cry Carly: im not telling her anything Drew: stop acting like you give a shit then Carly: im not acting anything Carly: thats all you babe Drew: fuck off Carly: nowhere to go Carly: busy coach remember Carly: what do you get out of being w her? Carly: she doesnt put out & she does your head in Carly: why bother Carly: there are other virgins in town, i think Drew: idk Drew: she's nice Carly: that it Drew: nah Drew: she's good girlfriend material Drew: you can see, idk why you want me to sing her praises to you Drew: masochist, like 😂 Carly: im only asking Carly: why dont you wanna sing her praises to everyone Drew: i'm not that sorta bloke Drew: cringe Carly: yea Carly: its sweet tho Drew: if you say so Drew: just makes me feel 🤢 Carly: ha Carly: better get up the front boy Drew: deffo Drew: any escape from the caleb and ali show Carly: true Carly: ms woodfield will distract you Carly: shes looking thirsty might offer her a drink Drew: queue for that toilet getting longer by the minute Carly: yea Carly: as if caleb & ali arent in there Carly: slacking Carly: like i taught her nothing Drew: probs just jerk him off in the seats like Drew: not backrow coolkids but still pretty standard Carly: aw Carly: cute Drew: how is that cute Carly: theyre in love Carly: dont be jealous Carly: youd like it if your girl offered to do you Drew: no they ain't Drew: she was with you not that long ago Drew: be on to the next soon Carly: nah Carly: she loves him & its mutual Drew: things change Drew: we don't need to make a song and dance every time someone gets with someone else like Carly: who is Carly: its no big Carly: but its still happening Drew: i'd rather just ignore it 'til it goes away Drew: not like you up in my business 😜 Carly: im not up in any part of you Carly: relax Drew: mhmm Drew: lie harder Carly: nah Carly: i wanna be but im not Carly: facts Carly: id be lying if i said i didnt want you Drew: i know Drew: prove it though Carly: how Carly: what do you want me to do Drew: brave the queue 🤳 Carly: k Carly: [Sends pics and video also because she knows he can't watch it in front of the squad] Drew: tease Drew: swap seats with me so ms woodfield can watch too Carly: prick Carly: youre a bigger tease than me tho Drew: no way Drew: i got the evidence to prove it now Carly: if i was a tease id have given you nothing Carly: let you sweat it Carly: like you are to me Drew: you ain't asked for anything Carly: but you kno what i want Carly: give me something Drew: [Sends ab pic that was just his last Insta] Carly: come on Carly: dont be like that Drew: what? Carly: such an arsehole Carly: im not begging Drew: 😂✌

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supremeyatori-writes · 7 years

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Burden

Read on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9839507 Oikawa sat on the bench in the locker room. Practice had been terrible and his knee had been giving him grief. All of his serves fell short and his tosses were unsuccessful. Shittykawa is what Iwaizumi called him. "Shittykawa focus!" Hajime had yelled. Oikawa looked away and mumbled a quick 'sorry' before returning his attention to the game. He swears he heard some of the first years snicker. He tried not to be put off by it. Didn't everyone laugh at the kings who had fallen? Iwaizumi hadn't called him any more names after that, but you didn't have to be a genius to know he wanted to. He'd tried to save the ball, but he landed on his bad knee, and the other half of the team scored a point. When they looked over at him with their false concern, he played it off. Pretended he fell on his good knee. They believed him too easily. The game ended with Oikawa's side losing 12-25. He'd stayed behind in the lockers, watching everyone walk past him, not even giving him a second thought as they headed home, until he sat alone. He glanced to his phone. It was now 6:30pm. His family would have already had dinner by then. Not even his own mother noticed him. He figured he couldn't really blame her. He was rarely at his home anyway, and when he was, he wasn't a good son, always with an attitude. His family would probably be better off without him. They all would be better off without him, really. His family wouldn't have to deal with a disappointment of a son, who let his grades fall to focus on volleyball, which didn't pay off because he didn't even make it to nationals. They also wouldn't have to deal with the shame of having a gay son. His team would be better off, they could get a decent captain, one they could count on to not get too cocky, one who could take them to nationals. And Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi would probably be the happiest of them all if Oikawa wasn't there. He knew that the other man was only with him out of obligation. They'd known each other since they were children, how do end something with that much history without being the bad guy? Iwaizumi wouldn't have to fuss over Oikawa's every move, making sure there wasn't too much strain on his knee, making sure he was taking his meds, eating enough food, getting enough sleep. Who wants a boyfriend that can't even take care of himself? If he ran away right now, no one would notice, no one would care, because Oikawa was a burden. A high maintenance boyfriend, a high maintenance son, a high maintenance friend. No one wants high maintenance people in their life. The girls that followed him around at school, they didn't know him, they only knew Oikawa Tooru, the volleyball player with the cool serves. Most of his serves were risky, and ended up scoring the other team points instead. Why anyone would be impressed by that was beyond him. He sighed and walked over to the basin, splashing water on his face. It did nothing to clear his mind. Instead as he looked at himself in the mirror, his self-hatred seemed to bubble. His eyes were growing dry from having the contacts in for too long, he had a dull ache in his head from the same thoughts going through his head on repeat, his knee was almost screaming "don't put pressure on me". All these things wrong with him, what was the appeal? Why did the girls love him? why did the other schools fear him? Why did Kageyama Tobio look up to him? He was just Oikawa. Worthless, broken, shitty Oikawa. People only put up with him because of his anxiety. How do you tell someone with anxiety that everything to panic about is true? They never said it in so many words, but Oikawa knew. He felt the back of his eyes prickle and hot tears began to roll down his cheeks and fall to the floor below him. Now he was crying. He really was pathetic. He pressed his back against one the lockers and slid down until he touched the floor. Vision completely clouded by tears, he grabbed his knees and pulled them to his chest. He placed a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs. The janitor was probably about to start cleaning the gym, and there was no point in distracting him. He took a while to calm down but eventually he wiped the tears from his eyes, and stood himself up, despite the shooting pain in his knee. He washed his face and removed his contacts, grabbed his glasses, slung his back pack over his shoulder and exited the locker room. The gym was mostly dark, except for the light by the entrance and the white light of a phone screen coming from one of the benches. "Iwa-chan?" Iwaizumi looked up from his phone and pocketed the device, walking over to Oikawa. "Ready to go?" He asked. Oikawa looked at him wearing a stunned expression "H-have you been out here the whole time?" "Yup. I know you don't like company during your episodes, so I waited. Did you take your meds today?" "Of course I did. They don't cure it you know" Oikawa snapped. "Okay, I just needed to check. I'm sorry for calling you names. I should've picked up that you weren't in the mood for it." Iwaizumi apologised. Oikawa shrugged. "My mom doesn't even notice I'm not home" he deadpanned, as they headed for the exit. He turned to lock the door, but his hands were shaking. Iwaizumi grabbed his hands and took the key. "Thats probably my fault" he said as he locked the door. "My mom called, and asked where I was, and I said I was with you. She probably told Yuuko" he explained and returned the key to Oikawa. "Oh. I'm sorry I'm such a burden" he said softly, looking away from Iwaizumi. "I'm sorry that I made you wait for hours and I'm sorry that I made your mom worry. I'm such a-" "Hey" Iwaizumi said softly, putting a hand on Oikawa's cheek and forcing him to face him. "None of that. You're not a burden. I would happily wait for you for hours, days, months, years. It's been that way since we were 2 and that won't change now. Come on. Lets go get some food". Iwaizumi drove to their local take away shop, and both settled on ramen noodles. Oikawa was quiet all throughout dinner. "Did you want to stay at my place tonight? I downloaded some of star trek episodes." Iwaizumi suggested. "But you hate star trek" Oikawa sighed. "Yeah, but you don't" "I don't know Hajime. I think I just want to go straight home and crash. It's been a long day." Oikawa sighed again and Iwaizumi looked at him sympathetically. "Okay, tomorrow then" Oikawa tossed and turned. He'd been trying to get to sleep for hours, but to no avail. His body was used to sleeping at 4am, not 12am. Finally he conceded. He grabbed his gym bag and headed out to the school. He unlocked the door and set up. For an hour he practiced his serves. The first few went out, a couple hit the net, but soon enough he found himself sending the ball exactly where he wanted it to go. He was doing it, he was getting back into it, soon enough he'd be able to teach those first years what really happens when you laugh at your captain and then- Oikawa screamed. He was on the ground and felt a blinding pain shoot out from his knee. He must've landed on it badly, or jumped off strange, or maybes he'd just overworked it all together. The pain was so intense he couldn't breathe properly. He needed to call someone. He glanced at his gym bag sitting on the bench. In reality it wasn't that far, but as he tried to stand, only to collapse again, it seemed further away from anything. He slowly began to slide over to the bench, each move sending a wave of pain through his body. He bit down into the flesh of his hand, in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain. Oikawa finally made his way to the bench, and he pulled his gym bag down. The contents of his bag spilled out onto the floor, his keys, jacket, water bottle. He grabbed his phone and and started ringing. "Tooru?" Iwaizumi said sleepily. "It's nearly 1:30 in the morning". Oikawa could tell he was trying not to sound irritated. "I'm sorry I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I-" "Why do you sound hurt?" He said, a very serious tone to his voice. "My knee" Oikawa groaned. "Ok I'm coming over" there was a faint rustle as Iwaizumi got out of bed. "Wait wait! Iwa-Chan!" Oikawa called "Yeah, I'm here" "I'm not at home. I'm at the school - the gym" "What in the gods names are yo-" Iwaizumi was cut off my whimper as another wave of pain shot through Oikawa's body. "Shit okay, I'll be there soon" Iwaizumi said and hung up. It felt like hours, but Iwaizumi did eventually arrive. He stood in the doorway for a moment, taking in the image of his boyfriend on the floor, writhing in pain, unsure of what to do. He shook himself out if his trance and he ran over to him. "Tooru?" "Iwa-Chan. It hurts" Iwaizumi knelt down and examined Oikawa's knee. "Can you move it?" Oikawa shook his head, starting to curl in on himself. Iwaizumi furrowed his brow in concern. He gathered Oikawa's scattered possessions and slung the bag over his shoulder. "Tooru, this is gonna hurt for a second" he said and he scooped Oikawa into his arms, holding him bridal style. Oikawa screamed again, and Iwaizumi cringed. He heated seeing Oikawa in pain. "Hey, I'm sorry, but soon we'll be at the hospital and you can get high on morphine" Iwaizumi joked, but Oikawa just whimpered, clinging to the other's shirt. In the end it turns out Oikawa had worsened his Jumpers Knee. The doctor had given him very strong painkillers, and recommended at least 2 weeks of bed rest. Oikawa had tried to protest, claiming he needed to be on top of his game for when the scouts came, but it was either 2 weeks bedrest, or no more volleyball at all. After having his knee strapped, he was allowed to go home, but Iwaizumi had taken him to his home instead. Oikawa was doped up on meds and talking nonsense. "We should stop seeing each other" Oikawa mumbled, and Iwaizumi's heart stopped. "You don't mean that." "No. I don't. But we should. You wouldn't have to spend all your time worrying about little old me" he mumbled. "Idiot. When are you going to get it throught your skull? I like worrying about you. I've been doing it for 16 years and I don't intend to stop now" Iwaizumi said softly, laying next to him and caressing his cheek. "But I-" "No buts. I love you, and that won't change. Get some rest Tooru" he whispered. Oikawa snuggled into him, and Iwaizumi listened to his breathing change as he fell asleep. After stroking his lovers hair for a short amount of time, Iwaizumi himself felt his eyes droop as he welcomed sleep.

#oikawa tooru #iwaizumi hajime #oikawa x iwaizumi #iwaoi #fanfiction

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