#that I want and am going to kms in the future and there’s nothing that can stop me

[clits-and-clips]

x

#txt #tw #dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it #i do think about dying a lot #like i dont want to be here lol #people suck big time #everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive #but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need #idk #and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time #unless i can? idk #the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much #i think hed prolly follow suit #and i cant have that #plus other things like my pets etc #but what is the fucking point lol #i know eventually ill move on etc #but the world sucks man #it sucks #i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont #see myself getting better #if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse #i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have #that was ripped away from me without warning #no conversation #nothing #and he gets mad at me when i bring that up?????? #yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings #fuck everyone tbh haha #im just done

[bo0zey]

raaawwerrrrrr hehehe uwu ::)))) lol teehee!!! weewooweewoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! xD hahaha :P lolzzzzieeee awoooooooga meowmeow woof hahahahahahahahah :D lol lmao :3 8D

#OMGGGGGGGGGHHH IM SO RANDOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMG I AM SO SILLY AND ODD!! HASHTAG DORK ALERTTTT LOLLLLLLLLL #yesterday when i woke up my first thought was i don’t want to be here i should really kms and for a moment it was genuine not passive #it struck me at that moment. how Genuine i meant it and wanted to do it #it was only for a few moments until eventually i glanced over and saw my perscription bottles on the bedside table #and i reminded myself that these thoughts are happening because i hadn’t taken my medicine in a few days i don’t know how long but a few #off and on then off for a few days #im so unwell i hate being so pathetic!!!! stupid stupid stupid everyone else from my nursing school either already took the test Or #they’re studying right now preparing to take the test either way everyone’s gonna be a nurse and i’m not at this rate i haven’t done shit #it’s because i feel hopeless again i feel futureless i know i don’t want to live another few more years i know this it’s a core belief #so searching for jobs for a long term future just seems so pointless to me #but i know my family expect me to do it and i’m going to do it don’t worry i know i’m just a chronic procrastinator i’ve been like this #and i know i can’t live at home forever i know if i truly want to not be here anymore then i have to get my own apartment #somewhere i won’t be found and somewhere ​i’ll be able to die alone without the risk of being found and hospitalized #i won’t fuck up it won’t be an attempt it will be completion and seen through i’ll only have one chance i absolutely cannot fail that #anyways if anyones reading the tags DONT WORRY PLS IM JUST VENTINGGG N BEING DRAMATICCC LOLLLL PLS DONT WASTE UR ENERGY WORRYING!!!!!!!!!!!! #i’m really fine my life is fine i have nothing to complain about i just am an annoying whiny crybaby who can’t suck it up and grow up #everyone has to grow up and be an adult nobody wants to work but we have to #except i don’t jsut not want to work i want to Genuinely not be Alive lollllllllll #darn! how do i get over such a silly little hump! a bump in the road! #i’ve been an adult since i was the age of a child i can’t remember exactly when my role in life switched but i know it was sooner #sooner than a child is supposed to grow up #i’ve been an adult for so long no wonder i’m so tired i already grew up i don’t have the energy to live as an adult anymore #my mind n body are tired. i wish the world would just stop asking anything of me. #i have nothing left to give anyone only rage and sadness so i just want everyone to stay away so i don’t hurt anyone anymore #ramblings #🤣🤣🥸🥸🥸🤓🤓🤪🤪😝😂😂🤣🤣🤩🤩🫢🫢🤭🤭🤔🤔😲😲🥴🥴🤠🤠🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡😺😺😽😽😺😺😼😼😸🙀🙀😹😹😹

[higgs-the-god]

I’ve been back n forth w myself in whether or not to ever get more rats and…………. no lol

#this is a tumblr post so I can say this in the tags LOL #This Would Be For Future Me To More Easily Not Be Alive Someday #my cat is the second reason but only barely 👍 my family would immediately sell my rats #to the first buyers the chance they get but cats are Normal and Easy #I’m still nowhere near having relatively few belongings but like. that’s is a goal!! #like I resent past me for buying a terrarium or a goddamn fucking dog kennel or a loft bed bc that’s not easy FUCKING shit to get rid of #I’m not tagging this if you follow me and read my posts you are at the risk of seeing me say #that I want and am going to kms in the future and there’s nothing that can stop me #LOL #like. unfollow now or later when I suddenly stop posting………… #h8ers if you want you’re allowed to say I crumbled from the weight of y’all LMAO #you guys most definitely didn’t make a fucking Dent as I already had many problems before I had tumblr 👍 #but I might as well make someone happy1!1!1!1!1!1!1! #that’s a joke or whatever. or not. idc

[toulouseradiosilence]

please stop this ask for 10k notes and just do it. it is ridiculous and i hate it. there are tons if people who wish they could go to a therapist. here you make it a cute game, asking for clout

if you feel bad - suspect something off with your mental health: go to the doc

if you feel like you have to make it a game then just go back to bed and keep doomscrolling. you are probably just imagining things

TW: suicide, therapy and mental health issues

oh wow. okay first of all, its not a silly game. I know how serious this topic is. But again, i have all the smyptoms of adhd and its hard, its really hard to ask my parents to go to therapy. Im really really scared of it, because my dad (and mby my mom) could tell me im doing it for attention, which im not, ive been thinking about this for years now. I am doing the whole "10k note thing" because it will push me to do it. Because I will feel like I break a promise if I dont. Right now, nothing pushes me to do this. Id feel bad if i just didnt do it after i promised it to so many people.

Also, why would I need clout on tumblr??? It doesnt pay? nobody knows whos behind this account? also, ive done this before and 80% of the notes were from the comments.

and never, and i mean never, tell people theyre imagining things. people kill themselves because of that, because they are so frustrated and start to hate themselves. i wont kms, of course, but for the future. And thanks ig, for trying to make someones mental health problems worse???

i get where youre coming from, i really do. i get so annoyed by the little nine year olds who post about their DePReSsIoN and stuff. I really do get it. But if you feel the deep desire to confront me about this, be mature and not hostile like you are right now.

and if you have any other questions, dont be scared and msg me. i dont want to fight and i wont put it online but you seem to be offended by my post, which wasnt the purpose of it.

#why10knotes

[punkpal]

9 people you want to know better tag

I was tagged by @aquietgirlsmess (thanks, I love doing these!)

Three Ships: #1 Malec (Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood - Shadow Hunters/The Mortal Instruments) and I'm gonna cheat with number 2 and 3 and include two sets of my OCs from a book series I am writing so for #2 i'll go with my protagonist and her eventual girlfriend/future wife - Destiny/June (should their ship name be Jestiny or Dune, I hate both) and for #3 Blu/Aims (Blaims??). Also on the subject of the books I am writing if anyone has good last name suggestions (not your own) please send them my way, I'm in desperate need of last names for most of my characters)

First Ship: I'll be honest I'd rather kms then admit who my first ever ship was so imma take this secret to the grave lol

Last Song: Anymore by Lø Spirit (it's fucking depression but it slaps)

Last Movie: 1917 by Sam Mendes

Currently Reading: Nothing, I am currently using the motivation I'd use to read to write instead

Currently Watching: I'm binging The Vampire Diaries but I'm gonna pause my rewatch to binge The Fall of the House of Usher that I'll start tonight

Currently Consuming: A kinder surprise

Currently Craving: Nasi Goreng

I'm tagging: @punkbff @revradio @spirits-in-the-dark @deathclassic @dekaythepunk @exsequi @spid3rfag @badbucky @dirtnote @tidal-wav3s @bandtrash0818 @discourselsdead @siiickbrains @sw0rds-and-p3ns @re-imagine @callingallcars (this ain't 9, my bad)

#tag game #ask me about my book lol #i've got 3 books and a 4th spinoff living rent free in my head #and have almost finished writing the 1st of these down albeit as a rough draft subject to change and scrutinization #it's a passion project although to say I am passionate about it is one hell of a understatement #get to know me

[that-gay-jedi]

[sorry, another vent post incoming] Honestly all my life I've felt like I don't make any real choices, I usually only ever have one viable path before me and if I don't want to take it the only other option is to either kms or simply lay down and wait to die, and I constantly dream about what it would be like to have actual options but I can never seem to put myself in a position wherein I do. I'd really like to have a broader sense of agency than just deciding whether to go on or give up.

On the rare occasions when things are going well enough that I'm hopeful and content and glad to be alive, I still feel like I'm being completely railroaded by the universe but it's this thrilling feeling of "I am on to better things whether I want to be or not and no internal nor external force can change that." Like, it feels kind of like some paired dance with the inevitable where my partner the universe is 100% in the lead but I don't feel it push and pull on me because I'm moving in time with it.

When things are going badly it's like "I don't know or care why certain people are just assigned to never get a fighting chance, but I know I'm one of them and I can't find a way to change it" and literally the only difference is whether I like whatever I'm being forced into or not.

And the main reason I'm fairly convinced that this isn't something I'm like unconsciously doing to myself to avoid the fear of making choices I might regret or a sense of loss over past regretable choices is that, as far as I can tell, I still do have to deal with and face up to like all the same emotional struggles that people who have a sense of free will do. I still sometimes get these haunting visions of a road not taken even though instead of not taking it because I didn't choose to it's because I didn't have a way onto that road. I can still end up feeling like just as much of a failure for not being able to wriggle out of the iron grip of fate as someone who feels like they were in the driver's seat and steered poorly. When the future seems bleak and hopeless I don't find the idea that it wasn't my fault or that I tried my best comforting at all.

I dunno man. Obviously being conditioned to be exceptionally obedient from my earliest developmental phases fucked me up more than I've yet been able to get any therapist to understand but like. If it's all just a mind prison and there's nothing materially keeping me trapped then why have so many changes to my thoughts, behaviours, habits and even sense of identity never so much as budged the bars?

[feral-cockroach]

MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM

ive been clean for almost a full year. maybe just over at this point, i dont know. but all (and i mean ALL) of my scars were fully healed and some were even fading into those little white lines that are barely visible on your skin.

and i relapsed tonight. ive been fighting it for weeks now but realistically i knew it was going to happen eventually. i feel so, so hopeless. nothing is working out and i cannot convince myself that things will improve. its a feat to just talk myself out of suicide every morning at this point.

im so fucking sick of everything. i mean honestly what is the point? im barely making rent, im going to lose my home in october of next year, ive got no car, no license, i can't afford groceries most of the time with absolutely no help from anyone around me. im scared. im tired and im alone.

i havent self harmed in a year or over and the worst of it was 3 years ago. except im getting back to that point i was at 3 years ago and i cant afford institutionalisation again. even if i could i dont want to go back. they held me for a week and then gave me a caretaker and then took away my caretaker when i turned 18 and then when i found myself a new therapist they completely cancelled my insurance with no warning and then denied me when i tried to reapply. ive been without insurance for a year in march.

im fucking terrified and i hate it here and i cannot do this shit much longer. i just cant. i dont know how much more fear and paranoia and justified upset one guy can fucking take !!!!

i just wish my father hadnt stalked and coerced my mom and i wish my moms mom wasnt such a pro life piece of shit and i wish my mom hadnt developed such an attachment to her abuser to convince herself that having a child was a good idea and i ESPECIALLY wish that my mom hadnt completely discarded me when we left my father and then immediately started dating new men every fucking week my whole life ive never known her to be single

and i love my mom !!!! but my mom does NOT love herself !!!!! and my mom HAS TO HAVE validation from men !!!!! and ive spent the past FOUR YEARS trying to have a relationship with her and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and it SUCKS !!!!

it sucks so fuckinf much that EVERY SINFLE PERSON involved in bringing me into this SHITHOLE wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because i didnt end up how THEY WANTED ME because GOD FORBID I BE FUCKINF TRAUMATISED BY WHAT THEY ALL PUT ME THROUGH.

and im so , so angry. and scared. im so scared. im not sure when im going to kms but honestly, if i look to the future, thats all i see. thats all i have ever seen since i was 12 years old when i first self harmed. thats almost an entire decade of self harm. and i was convinced i wouldnt hit 16 or 18 or 21 and im about to hit 21 and every year it was "if i make it to [16/18/21] i wont make it to 30" and here i am at 21 and you know what

i wont. i dont think im going to make it to 30. by my own hand or my fathers or capitalisms i dojt fucking know but i will not live to see 30. i am certain

and it is the only thing i have ever been certain about my entire life.

#vent #tw vent #vent post #cw vent #self harm #tw self harm #self harm mention #cw self harm #cw self harm mention

[subcoolture]

I remember being a teenager in the mid 2000s. Dysfunctional family, verbally abusive father, never leaving my room. I still got to make some social life, but never enough not to want to kms. Music saved me. About 15 years have passed and I will not tell you it gets better. Some things did, but what I knew about the world then hasn’t changed. I still don’t see a future for myself. No love, no nothing, nothing that’s real. I’m surviving just like I did back then, and I just know the world is better with me in it. I have affected thousands of lives for good. I am a light in this world. I try to appreciate things regardless of everything. The trees, the stars. I try to be what I would like to see in other people. And I just go on.

#depression #real talk #maybe you have to accept the mission that has been giving to you #nobody said it would be easy #I am an activist now #I barely have things for myself #most of what I do is for others #very few people clap for me #I am lonely as hell #my upbringinging fucked me up so much #sorry not a positive speech

[crow-the-unknown]

not to be dramatic but i MIIIIIIGHT just kms if this whole "rags v s^rs" matchup happens. like who the FUCK would i root for?? i mean i can't go for the rags I HATE THEM; not especially since dallas actually has players i like but what else am i gonna do???? cheer matt DOUCHEBAG on? want b3nn to win it and get the undeserved honor of lifting the cup first?? cheer on the stupid ass team that (speaking in this hypothetical future) eliminated both my desired cup winners???? IT WOULD LITERALLY BE THE MATCHUP FROM HELL.

genuinely tho. like: "let's seeeeeeeee who do i root forrrrrr hmmmm *weighs hands against one another* head-shotter captain ORRRR head-shotter captain? hmmmmm gonna have to think on that uhhhh how about just no? just no! we're getting a fucking mcmattdrai stanley cup final and there is NOTHING you fake bitches can do about it! long love the whimsy!"

#colorado avalanche #edmonton oilers #carolina hurricanes #florida panthers #quite frankly couldn't fathom that matchup ngl #i literally wouldnt watch but if i did i'd do it purely to hate both sides with a burning passion #but who needs to worry? it's not gonna happen! it's not gonna happen..

[cinnamon-notes]

[cinnamon's diary, april 24th]: "as a guy who makes coffee for a living, i enjoy talking to a girl who needs coffee for her living"

My work training is almost over. I'm gonna miss the barista from the little café that's in that work-training facility SO MUCH. Today we talked about work. He told me about his past work experiences, and I told him about my future work ambitions. I was amazed by his storytelling and his anecdotes, as I always am. And he was amazed by my determination to fulfill that youth-ish need to just do, create, make, live, see, feel. He asked me what I like about being a graphic designer, and I told him what I hate about not being a graphic designer. I hate having to work aimlessly. I need a goal. And I need to be creative at my job. I would kms had I to kill my creativity because of my job. And he genuinely asked why nowadays the young are less and less prone to take up a creative job. He couldn't understand why contemporary society had less and less art. And he was so sorry about that. And I told him it does not have less and less art. And we are not less prone to take up creativity. Contemporary society is just a capitalistic one that does not encourage self expression, art, pain, existentialism. Art is a part of humankind, and so are feelings, you can't take that away from us. Nothing will ever be able to. Somehow, though, we managed to hate ourselves to the point we're not that happy with things that make us, in fact, humans. And we started this beautiful conversation about humankind and human-y things. And how much we hate capitalism. And how cynical capitalism makes the both of us. And how much hate and loathing we have when it comes to capitalism. And suddenly I totally understood what Lauren Graham meant when she wrote in her book:

“It's very useful to have a friend who is much older and one who is much younger. The older friend will remind you what there is to look forward to and the younger friend will keep you telling your stories over again so you'll remember not to forget them. An older friend will tell you you have plenty of time yet, and a younger friend will make you forget time altogether because when you're with them you'll feel, even for a moment, that you're the exact same age”

And we also talked about what we enjoy, which doesn't necessarily have to become a part of our professional life. I found out he likes The Godfather (his Marlon Brando impression>>>), and he loves Pink Floyd. Basically I found out he's got taste!

And I loved the way I found out he's a The Godfather fan. I was waiting for the first coffee I'd take there and, oddly, my friends were queuing with me (but just because they wanted coffee, too). And I can't remember what the context was, but at some point I said to one of them "as long as no one mails you a dead fish, you're fine". But my friends didn't get what I meant. And I didn't know how to explain it to them, because somehow I couldn't remember Luca Brasi's name. So I went all, "you know when in The Godfather the Corleones are mailed a dead fish wrapped in that guy's bulletproof vest, what's his name again? Which is mafia code for I killed your man, cuz he sleeps with the fish? Ugh- so frustrating, what was that damn guy's name??? Oh, come on, you get which part of the movie I'm talking about!!" And he leaned over the counter and said from behind my shoulders, "Luca Brasi, the guy's name's Luca Brasi! And that was a great reference, by the way!" Before he proceeded to do his Marlon Brando impression. Very funny.

Little introduction to this other paragraph: in my country we call black coffee a "normal" (it's language-wise. Keep it in mind though). As soon as he saw me queuing for the yeah-I-need-caffeine-again-th time, he went to serve me, but I gestured he'd go on with other people first. I don't like drinking coffee at the counter when I'm surrounded by people who push me to finish it as soon as possible, especially if I'm drinking it by myself. I need to take my coffee slowly, calmly, and actually enjoy it. So I waited. And as my turn to sit at the counter arrived, he pointed at me and asked, "normal?" And I went all "only my coffee!" And when he was laying out all the things that etiquette says are a must when you're serving coffee and you're a barista, I went all "Save water, buddy. Don't give me plates and spoons you know I won't use just to pointlessly wash them. I just need a cup, any cup, that has coffee in it" and he went all, THANK YOU!" and it was funny. His reaction was funny. It was so overly exaggerated, hence funny. And I was like, "Wtf? Calm down! I just did you a favor! Don't your coffee-drinker customers do the same?" And his "oh, believe me, they don't" face was hilarious.

At some point he said, "oh, by the way, as a guy who makes coffee for a living, i enjoy talking to a girl who needs coffee for her living", and I loved that sentence so much. And it made me feel connected. And it was the perfect definition for our conversations. Cuz that's exactly how the drill goes. I arrive at the facility. I walk to the counter. I ask him for coffee. I enter the auditorium for the lecture. I get bored. I pretend I have to go to the restroom. I stop by the cafè. I ask for another coffee. We listen to Pink Floyd and talk. I go back to the auditorium. I get bored again. I go out. I take another coffee. Pink Floyd play in the background, and we talk. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I said goodbye before leaving, and he told me, "don't you dare not take care of your creativity, kid!" And I was mesmerized. And suddenly life was beautiful although it was spring. And suddenly I saw why it's worth living. And suddenly I remembered what makes it such. And suddenly I felt alive. I felt in the right place at the right time. Having the right soul.

#was in my draft and i forgot i didnt actually post it yesterday lmaooo #yeah we definitely pulled a lorelai-luke but without the romance and more like a lorelai-mia. it was sweeeeeet #lorelai gilmore #lauren graham #cinnamon diary

[apocalyptic-legionary]

Time flies by and going from a low time in my life to where I am now I will say I feel blessed

Just a heads up. I am really bad with ,. and the grammar.

Being a Industrial technician/forklift/crane certified welder with experience in construction, metal bending,Tile laying,wallbrick laying,concrete,food industry,butcher, lift driving, storage/frost storage, janitor, environmental specialist (can't be called garbage man were I live),window making,asbestos cleaning, isolation work,big machine driving and beach restoration

Been doing that for 4 years on random workplaces. Once my contract ended I got sent to the next one.

On the 5th year I got a full time job and I will say I do miss the time of working all over the country I live in. It was a different kind of freedom you had back then. Sure the work hours sucked since you never knew which contract you'll get.

They literally just call you when ever and ask you "yo you want this? you start at this hour,it's at this location,for this company and the pay is this"

21,46 - 29,51 euro per hour. 8 to 12 hours per day unless they suddenly decided to do a 14-16 hour day (some companies did that which meant overtime pay with either night,weekend addition or in some cases both. Which quickly made the pay 40 to 45 per hour )

When I think back to the time were people told me I don't amount to anything and I end up as nothing. I really did think that I will be nothing and end up in a ditch overdosing on some substance I was using. Can't recall which since I was just rushing after that next high to flee from my deep depression, suicidal thoughts.

Got defibrillated at one point at a party. Was completely gone mentally and woke up in a hospital. I will say that was one of the most calming moments since my mind game me an illusion of being in a white room mixed with a beach. I was waiting for something but also not really caring what will come. IT was a surrealistic feeling, oddly comforting though. It was a wakeup call for me.

I stopped with drugs which also includes smoking. so I been smoke free close to 6 years and stopped with nicotine pouches 3 year ago. Will not say I miss it but it comes from time to time were I really could need a cigarette. Yea you will not escape that, you'll get random moment were you just have to hold a grip on yourself and not start.

Enough money to pay the rent but still getting threatened that I will get kicked out. Getting told by the state if I get a job I lose my help but if I don't get a job I lose my help.

Found a place that would hire me but they wanted to test me. worked more than 14 hours at a place in hope of getting the job then getting fucked over for calling 1 day in sick for not being able to walk 30 km each day.

During that time I got in contact with my wife and found out that her father could offer me a job. I packed my stuff, used the money I had left and moved to the country my wife lived in.

Either way to close this off.

I got my life under control, currently saving up for a house with my Wife since we want a place for our dogs, kids and us for the future.

#life #turn around #better

[dorefasolsido]

34.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can?

Yup, bring it on.

Why are you happy?

Well who says I am??

Who’s the last person you hugged?

My friend's brother as a goodbye hug.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot?

Nah. No one has hurt me enough that I'd actually want them dead.

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low?

I don't think I know it.

Last night you felt?

Great. I went to a gig with my friend and her brother and we had the best time. We should seriously do it more often, not just every few months.

How are you feeling right now?

Pretty much okay.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with?

I think so, but that's been going on for years.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with?

Yeah, well, with that person I'm drifting away from.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap?

I sure did.

What are you listening to?

Absolutely nothing.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?

Yup, just a week ago when I was in Transylvania.

What is in your pocket?

I don't have a pocket on my pajama.

Have a best friend?

Yup.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you?

No, she does stuff without me all the time -- we are over 1000 km apart.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend?

Probably. It's not out of distrust, it's simply that I don't feel the need to or want to share every single thought in my head with someone. I'm sure she's exactly the same way.

What were you doing 60 minutes ago?

Looking through surveys.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

Yeah, probably plenty.

What’s something that can always make you feel better?

BTS and chocolate.

What do you want right now?

To fast forward to the next weekend or go back to yesterday. I don't feel like working.

What would you name your future son?

No clue.

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Sushi for sure since there's plenty of variety there.

How’s your life lately?

It's actually been not too bad.

***continued sometime later, I suck at answering surveys all at once***

Last person to send you a text?

My best friend.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

Sleeping.

Did you have a good birthday this year?

No. I mean, I can't say it wasn't fun (I went to my friend's goodbye picnic since she was moving to Germany instead of celebrating), but I just wasn't feeling it at all. It was just a bad day mentally, and I decided not to bother celebrating it this year.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?

I don't know? Tbh, I'm in a constant state of awkwardness, so I guess at this point I don't find anything particularly embarrassing since my whole existence can feel like that lol

Do you trust easily?

Nope. But I wouldn't say necessarily that I actively distrust people, it's like, I want to see the best in them and I genuinely give everyone a benefit of doubt, but when it comes to stuff like opening up, oof.

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream?

Delicious!

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question?

Well I'm not in school. I used to do that in elementary school and the first grade of middle school, then I stopped because social anxiety took over and because some kids teased me for being a nerd. In hindsight, that really wasn't so bad, but I didn't want to stand out in any way at all.

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult?

I have been mistaken for someone else, but no. I mean, it happens. Tbh, I've been tempted to just go with it and pretend I really am the person they mistook me for >.>

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones?

Idk, I don't know what the exact difference is.

What color shirt are you wearing?

White.

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you?

Not absolutely everything. Unless I could my dad, but he's not really a boy lol

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu?

Oh my God, this takes me back lol. I don't think I did, but I remember there was this schoolwide paranoia about it, and me and my friend used to go to the bathroom after every single class to wash our hands.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?

Hmm, not sure. My sister vapes, but she doesn't smoke cigarettes, so I have no idea.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

My sister.

Are you a mean person?

I don't think I'm usually mean, but I have my moments no doubt.

Does anyone hate you?

Maybe. There's one person that comes to mind, but I'm not sure she really hates me. I know I don't hate her, though I'd be pretty justified to.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them?

No, but I should. Generally, I struggle with expressing anger.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes, because it was no one.

Will this weekend be a good one?

Idk, I have zero plans for it so it's probably just going to be same old boring weekend.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?

Well I've had celebrity crushes older than me, but I haven't exactly properly liked anyone older, I think. Tbh, I've had very few crushes in my life, and most of them I feel were more platonic than anything.

Are you mad at someone right now?

Not really.

#personal #surveys

[dongyeonssimp]

???? life ig, idk

this is really random but i just wanna get it off of my brain and it's just that i would've ended my life way back but held on for my parents (mostly mom) and atp sometimes i feel maybe i should have and idek why i'm still living, i don't understand the point of my existence, i'm holding on for idk maybe the sake of proving some people wrong who said i couldn't do certain things or maybe it's for the little girl who had no fault for being brought into this horrible world, some of her dreams are still mine, i carry her with me, within me and i always will, she will always be a part of me, but the future scares me, idk what to do, how i'll do stuff, idek if i'll be able to get into a college, i've lost the spark in my life, nothing excites me anymore, i have no reason to live yet i am, maybe it would've been better had i died instead of dada, they would've been able to go to paris and not waste their money on me, i am not even a good daughter, i do not want to end up like him, kill me but don't make me like him,,, maybe i should have really died, maybe i should have actually had the courage to kms, or maybe i should have actually drowned in the pool that time, or maybe my parents should have really aborted me, idek what i'm writing on atp, sorry for rambling so much ig (and thank you if someone has read this far, you really didn't have to) (i'll just go sleepm it's 2.30 am and i have a chem test in my tuition that i need to do well on or my teacher won't let me hear the end of it coz i did actually say with a fuck lot of confidence back then that i could prove her wrong and do well, she hates me but fuck her i hate her back too)

[i-mean-great]

Okay okay for real, how do y’all keep going? How do y’all see a point in living? Like, this is gonna sound depressing af but whenever I think about it I see literally no point in living at all. We live day in and day out doing the same shit everyday to be able to have a roof over our head and to be able to live but are we happy? No! Maybe you are but I certainly am not. And just thinking about having to live like this until I’m probably like 75 makes me wanna fucking kms cause there is literally no purpose in living except for going to work, spending money, eating, sleeping and thats it. The only thing that brings dopamine to me right now is going out drinking, but I can’t do that all the time cause it’s fuckign expensive and not good for you. Just looking forward and seeing that this is it, this is life is literally not something I want to experience. Yeah some things of being alive is great, but those great moments only last for a few seconds, minutes, hours, days whatever and then it’s back to normal boring life. I know I might not sound reasonable now but I just can’t seem to think about life in any other way than just being forced to work and do shit in life you don’t want to do just so you can enjoy a few seconds of the good things in life. I’m so tired of thinks that there is no future for me, that life sucks and that it brings nothing good. It’s annoying cause I feel like a lot of people have their creative and fun ways of getting these feelings out but I’ve literally lost all interest in my old hobbies. I do nothing now except for reading books now and then. I have so much art supplies and a guitar but do I use any of it? No. I haven’t touched a portrait I started on in two years. They guitar has been laying on my floor for several months now. I just want my motivation back. The pills ain’t helping at all. I changed medicine to get a more “stable mood”, especially to tighten my motivation in doing things but it ain’t doing shit. And motivation isn’t just gonna come running back to me one day. Idk what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it. It’s just so hard to change the way your mind thinks. I’ve been thinking like this for YEARS now and no matter how much therapy or medicine I get nothing seems to help me get rid of that pessimistic way of thinking.

I’ve been trying with a bunch of different tactics and tips and such but it just won’t fucking work. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, maybe I’m just lazy idk, but it just seems impossible and I’m tired of it.

Don’t know if this makes any sense but I just had to get this shit off of my chest. Anyways happy October!

#my thougts #my post #rant #ranting #ignore

[maurenislife]

Miss martyr

Sir scapegoat

That is me

I wish that man blew my brains apart in that parking lot

Or when i almost had my heartrate slow down n die in my sleep off beans

Or the one time i passed out in my kitchen

What about the time i tried to jump out my window

Or the one time i tried to leap in front of a car

Jealous of me in my dreams im always dying or choosing too, getting stabbed to death while somebody looks me in my eyes n my life dont flash, it cut to black

I live pathetic existence

Like only so many times i can get up n recover or pick up my pieces n put them all back together with no regrets or like putting it back together confidently like this rlly me

Or am I overdramatic mellow dramatic

Like is it all a mixup

Till i review the footage in my brain of last 25 years

And everything stings like it happened yesterday even when im sober nothing rlly comes together my brain is a empty apartment with no where to sit, just standing there, wondering where everyone is, when is anybody coming back?

Does anybody care enough to sit n listen n care for 0$.

Everything comes at a exchanging price

When the personalities all collide

It makes one empty person,

When u finally show people how empty it is, look around when there truly is nothing more to see then its time to go

All the exes get to peak inside and see that its just as fucked up n blank in here.

How having no mother figure truly makes u feel a bit withdrawn i dont have her checking in she could rlly care less i see why im not doing anything worthy but breathing n taking up space n money by being alive

Im sure thats how my dad feels too, just preserving my body my entity cause its the proper thing to do.

Alot of things truly mean nothing

Not money, not the car being paid off, not the nicest fit or hair its to cover up all the stuff i know ill never recieve cause it cant be bought u cant buy love or warmth or a soul or innocence or buy back anything literally forced outta me.

Its now just me

Gotta worry bout me

Why u do fake pills maybe a lucky one will take me out this life, put me in the infinite sleep cycle,

So peaceful thinking about the day u wont be here.

My biggest mistake was ever rlly just not playing the role i know how to play well,

Zip it!

Everything done to me is sad no doubt

But whats sadder is i truly believed my prayers worked i never pray yanno im like omg somebodies listening to me besides

Doris and its not true there is no god for me

Devil ingrained the future for me long time ago, suffering since just in the pit of my stomach i stand in the empty small space. I stare in the room

Its just me again void is unfillable

Once my grandma leave this earth i will do the same maybe not now, I threaten kms all the time cause its peaceful

This life is full of broken promises and people willing to make them knowing theres only one promise

Death

Love isnt promised unless u love yourself

I can touch my hand in the mirror n still feel bad for the reflection

I know im not the prettiest the funniest or the bestest im literally on bottom of my own shoe

Shes terrible, i can be replaced with better

I can do better i can try harder but its the void right there, it doesnt care what you may do, who u are. Ur void is the never ending pocket of what u will never have.

I wanted all the pathetically dumb shit

[punch-a-tree]

oh boy

This about to be a terrible terrible post LMFAO

so

I met you 8 months ago, back in November. I didn’t think anything of you. I just noticed you were conventionally pretty and didn’t think you’d ever have interest in talking to me

6 months ago in Jan, we started to chat at work on occasion, i don’t remember thinking anything of you much tbh, but I wish to remember what was going through my mind

4 months ago, in March, we first hung out. I thought you were pretty chill, was down to get to know you, mostly bc my other work friends would talk to you and I wanted to too. We started hanging out regularly after this.

1 month ago in June, after being friends for 3 months already, I caught myself thinking about you a little too much. We’d hang, we’d chat, but suddenly one day we just started texting a lot, and I caught myself being a little too eager to talk to/ see you than just any of my friends.

Oh shit, I realized, am I developing some sort of feelings here. SHIT.

So now, it’s been a month, that I’ve noticed/realized I like you. We’ve become good friends. Close friends. We text all the time, we see eachother often. And with every week that has passed, I keep falling for you too much.

I don’t even know what to say/ or do. You are clearly, so so pretty. So painfully pretty it makes me want to kms sometimes because I’m nowhere in your league. Yet you’re still my friend.

So painful since, I see people fall for how pretty you are all the time around you. So much you’re extremely uncomfortable by it. Yet I didn’t fall for just your looks. I feel for you.

I fell for how you text me all the time. I fell for you how you invite me to hang out with your friends so often. I fell for you how we laugh about the same things all the time. I feel for you how we jam out to the same music. I fell for how adventurous and spontaneous you are like me. And on top of that you are so so gorgeous.

But I’m just your fun friend. A person you trust, and feel comfortable around. A person to rely on. A person you can vent your problems to. A person you can confide in when random people hit on you and you don’t like it. That’s why that can’t ever be me.

——

I’ve met many people that I’ve liked/ crushed on over the years. Some I did for months/ years. None of them did I even feel vibed on the same level as me. You make me set a standard for what I would look for in a future partner. The humour, spontaneity, the consideration and care for people around you.

I say that because I know that will never be you. You are too pretty to ever want me. Too wild to ever settle for me. All I can be is your good friend.

And a good friend I am. Id do anything for you. I already do what I can for you. I pick you up and drop you off places. I take you anywhere you want to go. I do anything you want to do. Id do anything for you.

I’m scared you will catch on. Notice how I’m always there for you. Notice how I’m always so eager to reply to you. Notice how I’d do anything for you. The last thing I want is for you to notice. Because I know that would put you off, after all the trust you put in me for being just a good friend. But I cannot help myself but be all I can be for you.

I’m pretty fucked, I’m pretty doomed. I’m stuck here waking up every morning waking up thinking about you. Waiting for your message. Stuck here falling asleep to the thought of you. I cannot help it. I’m whipped for nothing.

All I can do is pray and hope one day someone as pretty, funny, charming, and chill just like you will cross my path and fall for me.

Because you won’t. You have your whole life still to live and explore. And I won’t be a bigger part of it than a good friend. And I have to learn to live with that.

It’s just so fucking hard when I can’t stop thinking about you every second of every day. It’s so messy. My feelings are so fucked up.

But I just gotta live through it, and wish for the best. Feelings like this are so rough, because everytime I’m around you in person all I wish and imagine is to hold you tight, kiss your cheeks, and brush my fingers through your hair.

But unfortunately I can’t do that. So I admire you from a slight distance. And wish to meet anyone as cool as you one day.

All I can do is wish and wait. Youre so precious, you break my heart. Shatter it. Somehow I’ll live through it.

Idk how, but I will.

#down bad I WAS/// and AM #L