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mayasaura · 2 years

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Re: your John post: I’m so fascinated by the moment when Cristabel kills herself in front of John to give him the final boost (psychological and practical) to figure out resurrection because when it WORKS and he figures it out, John’s immediate response is…to leave her lying dead on the floor because suddenly the urgency to save that one individual life evaporates in the face of everything he can now do.

There are later moments, like when the ship escapes, that are obviously pivotal in HIS mind, but it’s my sense that everything which happens after Cristabel’s (first) death is colored by that shift from “If I can just figure out how to bring ONE person back, I can bring EVERYONE back” to “Who cares if I can bring one person back? I can bring ANYONE I want back!”

And with THAT shift comes a shift in his own understanding of what morality looks like for someone with his power.

Sorry for the delay, I've been struggling with answering this one.

I agree, Cristabel's suicide is an extremely important pivotal moment for John, if not THE pivotal moment, but I'm not sure I agree about exactly what his pivot was.

After Cristabel dies, when he's holding her soul and through it sees Alecto, he doesn't go straight to 'I'm so powerful I can do anything now,' and he doesn't immediately set off the bombs or make himself god. He does a journey first through begging to become a vessel for that power, begging the soul of the Earth to tell him what to do. When he says that Alecto was incoherent and screaming, he follows up by saying "It wasn't your fault." He doesn't blame her for it, but he resents that he wasn't given guidance in that moment, that he was left with so much power and no idea what he was meant to do with it.

Something I feel carries a lot of weight in that scene for how little John dwells on it is that John was also suicidal. When he set up the nuclear threat, I don't think he expected to survive the fallout if he followed through. When Cris told him she knew how to help him and then came back with a gun, John's assumption was that she was going to kill him. And he was going to let her.

I find it difficult to analyze his immediate reaction to Cris' death, choosing to focus on Alecto over Cristabel. For personal reasons, I'm incapable of judging someone for their immediate reaction to watching a loved one commit suicide. I just can't. He had the power to bring her right back and he didn't; it seems like there's obviously something deeply wrong with that decision, but I can't assume it was out of lack of care for Cristabel. Maybe it was representative of a shift in his priorities, it seems likely that you're right and it was, but I can only credit that retroactively in how he processed having made the decision. Seeing something like that can just. Make you insane. Sometimes there is no 'why' in what you do when you're experiencing that kind of traumatic shock, and trying to find deeper meaning in it will only fuck you up beyond belief.

I'm pretty certain John was in shock, from the way he recounts it. From the moment he starts telling how Cristabel came back with the gun, he's described as sounding 'as though he were underwater with the rest of everything'. His memory surrounding the immediate aftermath is fuzzy, he can't remember details about what he did, if he took anything with him. He remembers some trivial-seeming sensory and visual details clearly, like how there was less blood than he expected on his clothes. He doesn't remember what he did, when he left the scene of her death to find the rest of his friends under assault or dead. He thinks he just watched, but he isn't sure. It feels weird, like he dreamed it. He remembers Augustine saying something in their final moments huddled together behind the barricade, but not what he said. He recalls holding Augustine and Mercy's hands as they begged for his life, as they died in front of him, but he's not sure how he got there. He was, in short, incredibly fucked up and about to die.

And that's when he ended everything, and became god.

I've been thinking about that moment preceding all of it—about Cristabel and John and how pivotal their relationship was—for a while since you first sent this, and I think on some level John does realize how important it is. John was only Catholic by the furthest stretch of the definition, we find that out fairly early in the Verses. He was baptized at a christian rock concert he'd attended for the underage drinking. There's no evidence the man ever set foot in a church prior to his apotheosis, and he goes on to construct a giant Catholic-themed space empire. Why would he do that? Why is that the blueprint he chose for his new world?

John wasn't Catholic, but Cristabel was. She was a nun, she was the only person he allowed into the room with him during his breakdown, and he addresses her as 'Sister'. She killed herself in front of him. She's the reason he learned how to perceive the soul, and she was the first soul he ever touched. Did he lean so heavily on the Catholic theme in honor of her, or to spite her, or both? Or did she push the theme herself? We know she invented the oath "One flesh, one end," and we know she was the one behind forcing the invention of lyctorhood. In her first life, we know she was the one who most enthusiastically framed John as a religious figure, even before he formed the cult. How much influence did Cristabel have in the structure and formation of the Empire? How deep an impression did she leave on the culture, and on John?

#the locked tomb #cristabel oct #tlt meta #ntn spoilers #nona the ninth #john gaius #emperor john gaius #suicide cw #suicide tw #tw suicide #cw suicide #survivor's guilt cw #long post #I don't know what we're meant to take away from this scene or if there is a right or wrong answer to how we react #but I do know this series hasn't ever trivialized the trauma of being the immediate survivor of someone's suicide #so it is probably important to understanding John too

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bitcme · 2 years

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JANE & ORWELL

Closed starter for @horrorbxby, located in Shrike County Hospital.

Guilt is absolutely tearing Jane apart. Why couldn’t it have been her? Why couldn’t she have taken Orwell’s place instead? Why was she completely useless, only hurting the team that tried to escape together instead of helping her friend make it out at least in much better shape? She’s sick to her stomach, having to confront the events that she’s lived through, and the scrapes and bruises left on her are painful reminders of how she was somehow able to make it through an attack almost unharmed, so unlike one of the last people in Shrike Heights that deserve the trauma so intense like what Orwell suffered. Jane isn’t to blame for anything that the killers have done, she shouldn’t even take on the guilt of hurting Glenda as she jumped out of the killer’s grasp, but she wishes so badly that that night could have gone differently and she takes responsibility for the fact that it didn’t because Jane was raised to always accept fault. Orwell lives, but the survivor’s guilt that Jane is left with is unimaginably painful.

There’s nothing she can do to make anything any better, there’s nothing Jane can do to make up for what people like Orwell are now left with, but Jane doesn’t let herself rest until she at least tries. Jane doesn’t know how to do anything for herself; her one selfish act is how she ended up in Shrike Heights, and apart of Jane feels as though leaving her life is exactly why she’s been attacked, she feels as though this is her punishment, despite that situation too being one where Jane truly isn’t at fault. So even though Jane needs rest, and even though Jane needs time to process her own trauma, she walks into Orwell’s hospital room with a bunch of red gaillardias - the same colour as Orwell’s converse, Jane noted in the hospital gift shop as she looked at their small selection - and a small plush dog that’s the same sandy colour as Orwell’s hair. It’s not a solution, but it’s at the very least a gesture.

“Hey, you’re awake.” She forces a smile onto her face, acting as if she’s not a victim of the same crime and able to be of support without the emotional baggage that Jane now wheels along behind her. “I swear I have a bit of a habit of always walking in just as someone’s dozed off.” She scrunches her face up slightly, thinking maybe she shouldn’t have started the conversation alluding to the fact that Orwell isn’t the only friend she’s had to visit. “How are you feeling? Are the nurses listening to what you need?” She only asks this as a constant complaint of Hen Wen’s during their time here was the fact that the nurses were always doing something wrong; Jane doesn’t take the time to realise that that was only because Hen Wen channels herself into aggression, and with having little to no hospital experience before Shrike Heights, Hen Wen and Ian are the only two patients she’s been so close to.

#JANE HOWARD. starter #JANE HOWARD. featuring orwell #hospital cw #trauma cw #survivor's guilt cw

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stories-of-the-multiverse · 2 months

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"How do I make it better?" - My Angel Dust, your Charlie

Send "How do I make it better?" to find my muse at an incredibly low point..

She... Couldn't sleep...

She tried. Tried for hours. The only thing keeping her from tossing and turning in a vain attempt to get comfortable was her girlfriend sleeping next to her.

Deciding that sleep wouldn't come to her, she decided to head down to the ground floor into the offices. Might as well be productive...

She was on autopilot as she snuck out her room and crept towards and down the stairs...

... Until she found herself in front of a portrait. A serpentine demon dressed in a battle uniform stared dignified back at her. And all the reasons she struggled to slumber came flooding back.

... She was supposed to protect him... She was supposed to protect all of them...

She could feel all the disembodied eyes that manifested around the hotel after the most recent Extermination follow her no matter where she went, staring.

Could she have done something differently? Could she have presented a better case at the embassy? Or in Heaven? Could she have tried talking reason with the Exorcists to prevent the fight?

... Should she have told everyone to leave...?

She didn't want the bloodshed, didn't want anyone to die, she wanted to protect everyone- And yet-!

Cannibal Town shouldn't have had to have taken the hit it did... Sir Pentious should still be with them...!

"... I'm sorry..." She found herself murmuring.

It starts with sorry... But what good is sorry if they aren't here to hear it? If you can't prove it to them-?

"Shit-!" She hissed out, whirring around to face...

"Angel-! Hey, good... Morning...?"

It was still dark out, but it had to be well past midnight by now-

How long has he been here? Fuck, when did she start crying? God dammit, Charlie-!

Hastily she wiped her eyes.

"Thank you, Angel, but... Don't worry about me... I'm just... Reminiscing... I guess?"

"I didn't... Wake you up, did I...?"

#onlyheartaches #Ask #Princess Charlie #Vivziepop CW #Death CW #Death Implied CW #Survivor's Guilt CW #Mobile Post #I feel like I coulda done better but I tried #Survivor's guilt go brrr-

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grislyintentions · 1 year

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What are your thoughts on the Traveler possibly purifying/curing Xiao's karmic debt like they did with Dvalin's Tears?

[Hello anon! Thank you for the question, it made me real happy ^w^ <;3

I personally like to think that all Yakshas are affected by their own karmic debts differently. In reference to the HC I have made regarding Xiao's past and the ways his karmic debt affect him (here x), the strongest source of his suffering is himself.

The core of his turmoil is guilt and fear, leading to anxiety, self repression/punishing and self destructive behavioural patterns. That compounding with having to accept the added weight of hatred, resentment and grudges in order to vanquish the remnants of fallen gods will take shape as his 'debt'.

Since his greatest enemy is himself, then being able to overcome his own karmic debt naturally will be something that falls on him instead.

While I don't think the Traveler can fully purify/cure him of his karmic debt, I think they can be the catalyst that drives him towards the path of eventually learning to better manage/cope with it. And that their presence is something that greatly comforts/alleviates the effects of his debt.

Much like how the Traveler was also the key component responsible for removing the "tainted blood" that has taken root on Dvalin. They were able to give Dvalin the opportunity and clarity of mind to reconcile their perception towards Mondstadt's citizens. What Dvalin chooses to do, in the aftermath of their destruction and temperament, was a decision left to the dragon themself. In the same vein, the decision to actively cope and offer himself forgiveness can be bolstered by the Traveler's support.

To me, the greatest thing you can do for someone who had gone through an eternity of feeling helpless/hopeless/consumed by their ownself, is to empower them. And that is what the traveler does. That makes a world of a difference to someone like Xiao.]

#the voice: a #charac: xiao #survivor's guilt cw #guilt cw #[thanks for bearing with my waffling haha]

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ezlo-x · 2 years

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“They met their fates...where were you?”

#tloz au #botw au #revali #urbosa #daruk #mipha #my art #// eye strain #cw survivors guilt #cw implied death

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ghastlybats · 5 months

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Anatomy of a Ghost

Steddie, Steve Harrington POV, angst, not actually that steddie-focused but its there

(this is sort of angst with ambiguous ending, I just have a lot of thoughts about the way people treat Steve in regards to Barb's death, and the possibilities of Steves own misconceptions about it and his lack of support system. Honestly I could write an essay about this.)

wc: 1,859

cw/warnings: themes of survivor's guilt, some of this could be dissociation idk

summary: there's a dead girl standing at the edge of Steve's pool, and he's convinced that his house is being sucked into the water. he hasn't slept in a while.

There’s a dead girl outside, and the house is being sucked into the pool.

Every night, Steve sat on the floor in front of the sliding glass doors and stared at it, watched the pool get closer and bigger. He didn’t need his bat, Barb never moved. She always stood in the exact same spot, right there in front of him on the other side of the eerie blue water. Her clothes were always dripping. He would watch the puddle below her grow with each droplet.

When it all started, he might have shrugged it off. Steve used to think he was a reasonable, logical person. Maybe not smart, but he was pretty sure, once, that his house could not possibly be sucked into his pool. The pool was too small to hold the whole house.

Actually, though, there wasn’t much in a house. Mostly drywall and spongy insulation. Some wood, some granite countertops. Metal, glass. Shag carpet and kitchen tile. Maybe his whole house could fit into the pool after all, once it had collapsed and broken. And as he watched the pool, night after night, the truth became undeniable; like a black hole, the pool was pulling him into it.

Somewhere in his mind, he knew that the moment he stepped out into the yard, he would be dragged under the water. So instead, he kept the doors closed and locked and he sat on the Persian rug, picking at the fibers and staring out at the pool, knowing that there would come a day that it devoured him.

Barb knew it too. She stood at the edge of the water and looked down at him. Even when he tried to talk to her, he could find no words, and so he never did. It seemed like she was alright with that arrangement, because she never tried to speak either. She wasn’t the one making his house collapse into the pool. She was just a bystander, the same as Steve. Sometimes, he thought she might be looking at him in pity.

That night, it was storming. The pool was closer than ever before. It was two forty-seven in the morning, but Steve didn’t know that. Upstairs, his walkie-talkie has been going off constantly for the past three hours, but he didn’t know that either. The rain and the crash of thunder masked the sounds of the house. He couldn’t hear each droplet of water that rolled off of Barb’s hands like he usually could. He didn’t hear the knocking on his door, or the shouts of his name. He did not hear the turning of the lock.

That night, the edge of the pool was mere inches away from the doors. Steve was wondering what it would feel like to drown. He had actually considered asking Barb about it. He hadn’t bothered, though, had figured she wouldn’t hear him over the sounds of the rain.

There was a flash of lightning. Silence for several seconds before the roll of thunder.

“Steve?” Said a voice from behind him.

Steve flinched violently. For the first time in maybe weeks, in the dead of night, he pulled his eyes away from the pool to look at Eddie.

“What are you doing, man? Are you okay?” Eddie stood in the doorway to the living room, hair damp and face pale in the lightning that flashed again from outside. That split second of light was enough to see the concern on his face.

“I’m keeping an eye on things,” Steve told him. Thunder. Eddie stepped farther into the room, until he stood just at the edge of that glowing rectangle of light seeping in through the windows.

“Don’t want to disturb her, so I leave my walkie upstairs.” Steve turned his gaze back to the edge of the pool. Eddie followed suit.

“Disturb who, Steve?” He asked.

“Barb. You’ll see her when the lightning strikes again, she’s kind of hard to make out in the dark,” Steve explained, matter-of-factly.

The lightning came again.

“Steve, I… I don't see her. I don't think…” Eddie said quietly. The thunder rumbled.

“Just wait. Maybe you missed her.”

Eddie didn’t speak. Steve didn’t look at him. The pool was still only inches away.

“Have you been doing this every night?”

Steve began picking at the rug again. “The house is getting sucked into the pool,” he explained.

Eddie said nothing.

“It’s not her fault, she’s not the one doing it. The pool gets closer every night. Its only a few inches away now.”

“Steve, it's… it's the same as it always was.”

Steve’s brow furrowed. “No. It’s— I can see it getting closer,” he insisted.

“Sweetheart, when was the last time you slept?”

Steve didn’t have an answer for that. Days kind of started blurring together, he hadn’t kept count of nights.

“If the house is collapsing into the pool, then we need to get you out, okay? Let’s get you some clothes and a toothbrush and you can come stay with me for a while, the van’s outside and it should even still be warm,” Eddie murmured, and put a gentle hand right between Steve’s shoulder blades.

“I can’t leave her this time,” Steve said.

“Do you think she wants you to die?”

Steve stared out at the girl across the pool.

“I don’t know. I think that if I was her, I would.”

Lightning.

“Why?”

Thunder, loud enough now to shake the fine China in the cupboard to their left.

“Because it's my fault she died. It’s my pool she died in.”

Eddie was quiet for a moment.

“I don’t think it was, for what its worth. You couldn’t have known, Steve. Nancy brought her to your house, Nancy was the one to pick you over her. You had no connection to Barb, right? That’s what you told me,” Eddie said. He paused to gauge Steve’s reaction.

“It was my pool,” Steve said again.

“Jonathan was the last person to see her alive. Why shouldn’t he shoulder this guilt?”

Steve had nothing to say about that.

“I’m not blaming someone else in your place. All I’m saying, Steve, is that this burden never should have been yours. And you know very well how I feel about Nancy putting it onto you.” Eddie sighed, and stood. “I’m going to pack you a bag, alright? You’re going to sleep at my place tonight, and when you wake up, we’re going to figure out what to do next.”

Steve didn’t respond, again. He heard Eddie walk away, his Reeboks squeaking against the hardwood floors of the entryway, then the quiet thumping of footsteps as he climbed the stairs and headed into Steve’s room.

For the first time, Steve was having trouble making out the shape of Barb in the darkness. He stood and, holding on tightly to the doorframe, unlocked the glass door and pushed it open.

He wasn’t dragged immediately into the pool. He was careful, very careful, as he walked around the odd shape of it, to not slip on the narrow ledge. Only a few inches between the house and the pool. It felt like miles on the other side.

Now, he stood opposite to the house, between the pool and the woods, rain soaking his clothes and chilling his skin. It was darker there, he felt. He reached out into the darkness, and found nothing but rain.

Panicked, he stumbled forward and again, found nothing. He stood exactly where Barb would have been standing, should have been standing, and looked back to the house, and the open glass door, and the single lit window just above it where he saw Eddie rushing back and forth in his room. His hair was plastered to his forehead now, his hands hung limply at his sides and he felt the droplets running down his arms, drip-drip-dripping off his hands. The sound of it overpowered the rain and thunder. He hadn’t even noticed the lightning strike.

He felt stuck to that spot, staring in through the door at the spot he had occupied on the floor, god knows how many nights he spent there. He wondered if maybe, one of those nights, he should have offered to let Barb come inside.

Eddie was at his side again, Steve vaguely registered seeing him come back downstairs, watching the fear overtaking his face when he saw the open door, and then the way he hid it when his eyes fell on Steve outside. He was steering Steve back towards the house, and they weren’t being careful on the narrow ledge between the house and the pool that time but they made it inside nonetheless. There was a large duffel bag on the ground, stuffed full. Eddie closed and locked the sliding door again. The drip-drip-drip became muffled by the carpet, but he could still hear it.

There was a towel wrapped around him, gentle hands drying his hair and soaking as much water as possible out of his t-shirt, his pants, brushing the rivulets off his hands and feet. His skin stung with the removal of the constant chill, but he was handed clean, dry clothes right out of the duffle bag, and when he didn’t move to change, Eddie took care in removing his shirt and drying him off again, replacing it with the new one. Then pants and underwear, in a reversal of the way Steve had once looked after Eddie, in the weeks after his death and revival, and long hospital stay. There were no secrets between them, anymore, not really.

The dry clothes did nothing to soothe the sting, but Eddie wrapped a blanket around him, a fluffy throw from the couch, picked up the bag, and with a hand on the small of Steve’s back, walked them to the door. Steve turned back only once, and even in the bright flash of lightning, Barb was nowhere to be found. The pool was getting farther away again, but it might have just been a trick of the light.

The drive to Eddie’s wasn’t silent, but Steve didn’t remember Eddie ever keeping the volume of his radio so low. Whatever tape was in the deck was nothing more than a quiet hum over the rain and the rumble of the engine.

Then they were there, and Eddie was leading him inside with that hand on his back again, and he was being made to lay down on Eddie’s bed, and he tried to ask where Eddie was going to sleep, but he just got a shake of the head and a murmur of assurance, that Eddie would be alright.

For the first time in what must have been a very long time, Steve began to feel sleepy. Eddie was talking quietly, none of the words meant much of anything, but his voice rumbled like the thunder, now far in the distance, and the rain battered the roof of the small bungalow which Wayne and Eddie called home, and the room smelled like smoke and the sheets like sweat. Steve didn’t dream at all, but that blackness of sleep must have lasted forever.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #accidentally wrote a 2000 word fic in about an hour #something came over me and I had to write this #steve harrington whump #maybe?#im gonna be totally honest ive forgotten how to tag things #its been like 7 years since i last posted a fanfic anywhere #steve harrington and eddie munson #steve harrington angst #barbra holland #cw dissociation #cw survivors guilt #this is not an accurate depiction of a mental breakdown

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zhangyulian · 1 year

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Guilt - Spider & Neteyam

Warning: Character death and survivors’s guilt

This is an idea I have in mind for a story I plan to write eventually. This would only serve as one part of it.

I love Spider and Neteyam being Team Older Siblings. That’s kinda where the following idea comes from. You’re welcome to share your thoughts. Enjoy!

…

The Sully family live hidden within the Amazon rain forest amongst indigenous human tribes in South America.

The RDA is a large global resource organization responsible for the deforestation of the Amazon to gather precious “resources” within the land. However it’s a cover up for something more sinister — the capture of Na’vi Pretenders (natural born Na’vi with Pretender (Cybertronian) mixed DNA and their human allies.

In the center of this war with the RDA is Jake Sully and Neytiri. Jake is a crippled marine who is recruited by the RDA after his brother’s untimely death and is given a second chance at life by becoming an “Avatar pilot” to his brother’s Na’vi Pretender-spliced-with-human-DNA Avatar body. He is tasked with infiltrating the Omaticaya clan and reporting intel so the RDA can take them down all in one fell swoop, led by Colonel Miles Quaritch. Jake gets close with Neytiri, a natural born Na’vi Pretender and she teaches him to see and activate his ability to take on different forms, such as transforming themselves from ten feet metal organic beings to six feet human version of themselves. (This ability helps them blend in with the indigenous tribes, who see them as guardians and blessed beings of Mother Earth, aka Eywa. Although they are of Cybertronian descent, they do not transform into vehicles, only other organics) Jake falls in love with Neytiri and betrays the RDA, the RDA attempts to wipe out Hometree village off the face of the Earth and every living being in its path, including the Tree of Souls. Quaritch betrays the RDA after learning what they had been doing to his unborn son while in the womb of his now deceased lover. Jake and the Omaticaya manage to fight back with his help and the RDA take a step back and leave. Upon Quaritch’s dying breath, he begs Jake and Neytiri to look after his son.

The couple end up adopting baby Spider. Spider is a product of an experiment to combine Na’vi Pretender and human DNA to create natural born human super species. As a side effect, he was born with underdeveloped lungs and can only breathe pure oxygen, rendering him to wear a mask at all times. Out of the many newborns created, he is the only one that ends up surviving after birth. He is the oldest Sully child and son.

Neteyam is born soon after, being close to Spider’s age. They become very close, the babies being over protective of each other and never seen a part from one another.

Kiri, Lo’ak, and Tuk come not long after, and the couple are outnumbered by five children. They’re all trained to be warriors and healers and are aware of their origins and are all loved by Jake and Neytiri. They take extra precaution towards Spider, much to the boy’s annoyance that he can handle himself and his siblings.

Him and Neteyam take turns keeping their siblings out of trouble, although sometimes they contribute too (more so Spider than Neteyam, but Spider’s very good at hiding the evidence 😂). Despite Neteyam being taller than Spider, he enjoys snuggling up against his older sibling and entrusting Spider with his own thoughts and worries. They are each other’s rocks. And Neteyam isn’t afraid to set anyone who sees Spider for anything less than the loving brother that he is ram-rod straight.

When word gets around that the RDA has returned to the Amazon, Jake and Neytiri get ready to battle them again, but do not want their children involved at all. They decide to send all the children and those unable to fight across the Pacific to the Polynesian islands of Awa’atlu to stay with their Metkayina allies. Spider refuses to go, wanting to stay with his parents but their answer is final. Right before they depart, Neteyam approaches Spider in secret and admits he will be staying behind to help fight the war. Spider is angry at his brother, demanding why he gets to do so. His taller yet younger brother reminds him that as a natural born Na’vi Pretender, his abilities are stronger and can be more useful in battle. Spider, despite some of his enhanced abilities, knows he can’t do the same things as Neteyam but it frustrates him to no end, especially since he’s the one who’s supposed to look after all of his siblings.

Neteyam makes Spider promise him that he’ll look after the others. That causes Spider to ask his baby brother if he knew who he was speaking to teasingly, but they sober up quickly, the gravity of the situation hanging heavily on their shoulders.

Spider then in turn tells Neteyam to look after mom and dad, knowing they were not going to be happy at all that Neteyam stayed behind, but his fighting skills will certainly help them. They share a tight embrace, not wanting to let the other go, and try to hold back the tears as they finally part ways.

In Awa’atlu the Sully kids and other Omaticaya settle in with the Metkayina and they learn their ways of life and adapt. Over the months of training and guidance under Tonowari, Ronal and their children, they undergo the Metkayina Iknimaya and fully integrate themselves into the clan. Relationships also begin to bloom: Lo’ak and Tsireya, and Spider and Rotxo. Spider and Rotxo’s courtship started off as mere friendship then developed into a deeper romance. They bonded over the love of their younger siblings and family, the love they have of Eywa’s creatures and love for the sea. He reminds him of Neteyam and Spider can’t help but think of his parents and brother back at home, not knowing if they were on their way here or not.

The Metkayina have shown them great hospitality upon accepting their uturu. Rotxo made sure Spider and his family and people were comfortable and attended to their needs. A year into their stay, Spider and Rotxo seal their relationship by mating before Eywa, connecting their queues together (Spider’s a smaller but that doesn’t hinder his ability to connect). They each earn a matching tattoo for their mating and another to mark the start of their new family.

All is well in paradise until Awa’atlu is decimated with missile bombs from approaching RDA ships. Blindsided by the attack, the Metkayina attempt to flee and fight back the attackers that breached their land. In the midst of the chaos, Spider and Rotxo are defending Spider’s siblings when Spider’s suddenly tased from behind and ripped from Rotxo’s grasp, unconscious and bleeding.

He wakes up not in Awa’atlu but somewhere else, gray and metal and confined with no escape. He’s questioned and tortured and beaten, and he doesn’t cooperate. He fights back. But it only worsens when he’s out through a machine that attempts to read his mind and he resists with all his power. He notices the black specs on the machine, and for a fleeting second thought it was dried blood. The days blur themselves mercilessly without pause - wake up, fight, machine, scream, thrown back in cell, sleep, repeat. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there but they move him one day to another cell and finds himself next to another prisoner he’s never seen before — a young girl, probably Lo’ak’s age, in the same condition he was in. She looked dead, unmoving in her slumped place on the floor. But the minute rise and fall of her chest indicates she was breathing and alive — and bleeding all over and in black. His mind clicks with the specks he saw in the machine before and he puts two and two together.

That was her blood. She must have fought too.

He finds out her name is Madi and she had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She spoke of a world alien to him, and he comes to the conclusion she must be an alien from outer space, given she’d travelled on space ships and had been on other planets. How she ended up here was a total mystery, she didn’t remember herself.

Time passes — how much, they couldn’t keep track of. One time they tried to escape, only to be recaptured and bound. As punishment, Spider is forced to watch their captors tie down and drill into Madi’s bones to extract her marrow, ignoring her screams of pain. They don’t stop until she is in near critical condition and forcibly injects her marrow into him, stating that if she dies, they would at least still have him to work with.

Madi ends up living but isn’t faring well. They begin a new experiment with her, this time using a shard of metal they called an Allspark fragment. Something goes horribly wrong the moment they start. An explosion rocks the facility and unknown to everyone there, that explosion triggered the Autobots’ radar.

The Autobots launch a search and rescue mission to Mount Weather, the explosion leaking dangerous amounts of radiation across the mountain. The nearby towns are all evacuated. They excavate and find Spider and Madi unconscious, barely alive. They’re shocked to find them emitting weak newspark signatures despite the fact that they were humans.

Taken back to Diego Garcia, the pair recover slowly and painfully, hostile to their rescuers at first before slowly learning to trust them enough that they wouldn’t be harmed. Spider calls them demons, much to Madi and the Autobots confusion.

Spider and Madi venture the island after their recovery. Spider recognizes a specific plant that is used in signal fires and with the Autobots’ permission, light one up in hopes of making some type of contact. Unbeknownst to the Autobots and NEST soldiers stationed with them topside, there is movement in the water as shadows travel through the night.

The encounter that occurs between the newly arrived Metkayina Na’vi and the Autobots is tense, like a strung bow about to be shot. None of them attack, the Metayina especially given how tight Will’s grasp on Spider’s arm was, guns pointed at them.

Spider feels something flicker and twist inside him. Scanning the figures he searches, recognizing the two that approach — Kiri and Aonung — and attempts to call out something the Autobots nor NEST soldiers couldn’t understand. Everyone goes into a panic when suddenly he starts seizing and collapses, blacking out.

Spider manages to recover from the episode with the help of Ratchet and Kiri working together to save her brother. When he fully reawakens, he’s greeted by the sight of his sister Kiri and brothers Aonung and Lo’ak. And lastly, he gasps, Rotxo. They’re both speechless, full of tears, their bond broken for so long yet the moment they’re within one another’s presence, Spider feels it snap back into place. Ah, that’s what he felt earlier. He can’t stop crying as Rotxo holds him, gentle yet firm as if afraid he’s disappear.

They take their time healing and recuperating and rejoicing the founding of their brother, thanking Madi and the Autobots by safely harboring him. In the midst of catch up, he notices Kiri is wearing a familiar looking armband — one that Spider had made for Neteyam before they separated and asked if they heard anything from the Omaticaya. He learns that the situation has worsened, their people targeted and their homes destroyed. Word of Neteyam’s fate came with the arrival of Jake and Neytiri to Awa’atlu about a year ago. It was supposed to be Neteyam and Neytiri, but that didn’t go as planned. Neteyam took the shot meant for Jake and died bleeding in his parents arms, wanting to see his brothers and sisters again. They came by ikran, perhaps with a dozen others, a quarter of who they left behind to defend Hometree village.

Spider spent the next few days walking aimlessly on the beach of Diego Garcia while the others made talk for wartime negotiations. His baby brother lay with Eywa, dead. And it was all his fault.

Neteyam had followed Spider’s orders to the letter, like he did with everything in his life. He knew he would because Neteyam didn’t want to let anyone down, especially Spider.

Spider felt a dull ache and numbness in his chest. He couldn’t feel anything, half-alive, and wished he could take his words back, fought harder to stay, to protect his taller yet younger sibling who he confided everything to. His rock.

Spider promised he would protect all his younger siblings. Yet he failed to protect Neteyam.

He failed Neteyam. Tears slipped down his face, pooling at the bottom do his mask.

And he dared to asked Eywa why she took his baby brother away when it should be been him.

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cosmic-d1ce · 1 year

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what would chayanne / missa do if they ever found phil in a dissociative episode after what happened ? I know he was fully zoned out durring the rescue but how would others react if they found him that way outside of that situation ? aaaaa the guilt would prob hit like a truck - 💿

He dissociates a lot, its pretty much a constant for a while after he's rescued

Missa doesnt really know how to help or deal with it and hes so afraid of making it worse that if he does find Phil dissociating, he usually gets someone else, like Roier

Missa and Chayanne do eventually learn how to deal with it and help him out of it but Missa always feels awful seeing him like that

Chayanne feels guilty as well, even if everyone tells him he shouldnt. Every time he sees Phil dissociating he feels so guilty. He should have kept Phil safe, he should have been there, he never should have lost faith in him

#qsmp #qsmp philza #qsmp missa #qsmp chayanne #cw dissociation #forever my love au #forever x philza #Chayanne and all his grown up survivors guilt <3

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iamaweretoad · 2 months

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Been a while since I visited your inbox! :D

We were talking about or RT OCs families, so got a few things for you to consider and share if you want :)

Who were (are?) Mago's parents? What was the relation like between them and their son?

Also, since it is kind of related - how did Mago start his life of crime? What pushed him to do it?

Always a pleasure to see you in my inbox! :D Thank you so much for the ask and for helping me nail down this part of his backstory! 💜

His mother (Leta Vanth) was a factory worker in the lower levels of Sibellus’ middle hive. She did not want a child, but was terrified of abandonment and thought that having a child would cement her relationship with her current partner. Unfortunately this backfired and he ditched her shortly before Mago was born.

I think she tried to want Mago, but she couldn’t. And eventually she grew to resent him, and even blame him – both for his father leaving and just about anything else. She could have abandoned him, but whether it was out of a sense of obligation or just not wanting to be completely alone, she didn’t (a fact she used against him like a blunt instrument).

A few years later, she had another kid with someone else. This guy stuck around a little longer, but eventually caved under the pressure of trying to support a family in a grimdark industrialist hellscape and left. According to his mother, this was Mago’s fault as well. If he hadn’t been such a handful, they could have stayed ‘a family’.

While his relationship with his mother was a toxic mess, he was quite close to his little brother, Ani. Mago was responsible for him while his mother was out working her shifts at the manufactorium and they would spend whole days exploring the dangerous warren of the lower hive, hunting rats, foraging for mushrooms or scrap that could be traded for ration coupons.

While better than nothing, this proved to be an insufficient supplement and they frequently went hungry or without heat/power. Their mother grew increasingly desperate until eventually she was taken advantage of by a chaos cult and joined their ranks.

When the cult started a small uprising in the lower hive, Leta attempted to sacrifice both her sons. She killed Ani and tried to kill Mago, who was injured but managed to escape. He went to an Arbitrator for help, and the Adeptus Arbites killed his mother and then tried to burn him alive, considering him to be ‘tainted’ by Chaos, but again he managed to escape (he started burning through his 9 lives early).

After that he fell through the cracks (figuratively and literally) into the Underhive. He survived on his own for a little while before being picked up by a gang of scroungers – he was around 7 or 8 at the time and they needed someone who could squeeze into small spaces when they went on their expeditions and raids. Which is where his life of crime started.

#thank you again for the ask!#the self loathing & survivor's guilt got a very early start #cw: emotional abuse #oc: mago

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