#struggling gets personal

[struggling-to-find-home]

You know, between the fog that is most of my childhood, there is one question that I always agonised about, and that is: throughout it all, how did I survive?

Because there was,,,, a lot to survive through, from my first death threat & proceeding phycological torment from my brother at age 5 to metal objects flying dangerously close to my head during abuser tantrums to family tragedies to chronic gaslighting to suicide attempts and episodes of physical violence in the later years.

I look back on it and there it lies, as clear as it can with my only memories being from trauma processing when triggers and flashbacks happen and those rare times when a memory decided to resurface all on it's own to go off of: the overbearing truth that I was abused since the time I was at least a toddler.

But there had to be something to keep the illusion going, the facade slowly cracking but not breaking, and it had to be there for a long, long time. And all I can do right now is wait out and try to piece together a puzzle with a thousand lost pieces. Which is all to say,

I unlocked a rare positive memory today - fragmented, but still.

It's something about movies - how my mother & brother wanted to drag me to some catastrophe film about an alien invasion and instead I convinced them to buy me a ticket to some animated mostly marketed towards girls movie.

It started 40 minutes after their's did, so for the first time in... A while, I was left alone (which was a rare occurrence), sitting on some couches, with nobody paying any attention to me.

I had a journal with me.

At that time I always had a journal with me, because my phone was ancient and your girl had to entertain herself with something. It had a lot of shitty ideas, and my (very unsuccessful and rare) attempts to learn how to draw, because for some reason being able to draw prettily was a beauty standard for the girls around me and my inability to do so led to,,,, a fair amount of comments and disgusted glances thrown my way (Ironically enough, now I draw much more than I used to, but for med school reasons. The drawings still suck, but for some reason, now it's much more socially acceptable. Probably because I embrace it. Though ppl who can draw well do get a bit of privileges™ in the anatomy class), and a lot of half-baked writing plots that usually went nowhere. One of them had a whole ass spread for my depressive thoughts which I put there when the trauma was a bit... Too much. I know that because I stumbled upon it before during one of the many cleanouts I did after being in extreme dissociation, every day, for 6 months. Honestly shit was terrifying to read but hey, it helped 12 year old me cope so ig it's fine.

I think I wrestled with myself about buying popcorn when they left, because my mother never allowed me to since it was too "unhealthy". I'm pretty sure I did, because I seem to remember the feeling of uncomfortable sugar-induced thirstiness at the back of my throat as we drived back from the theater, but I'm not sure. If I did, I probably spent the entire pre-film time on high alert, careful to hide it from passer-bys in case either of them decided to leave the theater.

I was bored, at first, with no way to tell time, but then I started thinking and doodling and at some point, inspiration struck - something about ocs and evil scientists and their horrible horrible experiments - and I spent the rest of the time creating, high on the euphoria of privacy, of not having to check my back every seven seconds to see if someone's watching.

I didn't even get to finish the scene, but I was still so proud for writing it.

It was so simple, but I was so happy.

I was so happy.

Because there were no abusers. Because, even for just half an hour, I was able to put my guard down and purely enjoy myself.

And it's like this for every positive memory I have - all of them happen when they are not in sight. Reading fanfiction at 2 am, feeling proud after composing my first guitar arrangement, jumping around the flat I was alone at in happiness because my favourite comic updated, learning to drive a hoverboard with my friend, feeling joyful because all of them left and now I could watch a show in peace, celebrating my birthday without them...

I guess that's the answer for me - the only reason I survived for so long are the times I could take a break from them.

Huh.

Well that's fucking depressing.

#struggling gets personal #new memory unlocked I guess✌🏻✌🏻 #personal #dysfunctional family #i feel emotionally drained after writing this but shit is important #fun fact: if you analyse this post closely you can see the memory become clearer as I start to describe it #it all comes back to the fact that the part of myself I consider ny personality is the same part that came out during such memories #which ties in like grief over a complete lack of support system and the fact that for most of my life I wasn't my own person #and I can never know whether some of my regrets and mistakes would happen if I acted from the person I was and not the one abuse made me #but all of this will have to wait until college #I'm not ready to process this shit while still in the abusive environment

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Average Drama Enjoyer observes some peak drama.

#dungeon meshi #toshiro nakamoto #laios touden #kabru #izutsumi #Before anyone mistakes this as mischaracterization: The joke here is that it's ambiguous what the hell he means. #Kabru does love getting into fights a bit more than average but he's mostly here for the drama. #I screenshot the scene of him going 'The dark arts!' with a little smile everytime I re-read dungeon meshi. He's so catty. I love him. #And shout out to Izutsumi for adding fire to the drama. Girl said 'I am the listener. I heard that shit.' and refused to apologize. #Joke two: the deep cut - Welcome to more propaganda for whatever the hell is going on between Laios & Shuro & Kabru. #Laios trusting Shuro with some *heavy* information because he admires him so much! And wants to be his friend so badly! #Kabru also has another great character moment when he immediatly clocks Laios as not being as malicious as expected. #We love a character who can put the clues together! It is such a good subversion of what role we think Kabru is to play in this story! #Now he's eager to befriend Laios - who is barely interested and currently trying to befriend Shuro - who is barely interested and...well. #The painful triangle of people trying to get to know the other person better and being rejected...Friendship triangle. #We have all had a friendship triangle situation before. Right? You guys have also struggled to read people. Right? #Laios is universally relatable. Right?

[somnimagus]

My page for @kairizine. It was such a huge honor to be part of this wonderful book with everyone, I had so much fun!

[id in alt!]

#kingdom hearts #kh #kh kairi #kh xion #kh namine #i don't really feel proud of my own stuff usually but #i really think this is the drawing i'm most proud of from this past year!! it made me think 'oh maybe i can draw' haha #i'm still kinda bad with colors but something clicked with this one. and i feel like i got the sentimental feeling i wanted! #ooh but this project's about flower symbolism so ramble incoming: #protea symbolizes resilience transformation and diversity; hollyhock means 'please remember me.' #so my general theme was finding a sense of self. #these 3 have struggled with finding their own identity; they tend to get left behind both in-universe and in general plotwise #and naminé and xion both resemble kairi and were overshadowed by her memory. but i feel like all 3 have transformed into their own people #xion and naminé have their faces covered partially by hollyhock to show their wish to be remembered for who they are- #instead of the parts that they share with someone else #and the protea bouquets show how they each held on and resiliently grew into their own person despite it all #i put a little swervy path on the hill behind kairi to give that hopeful sense of growth and moving forward. it's a little hard to see #hopefully that makes sense! i really love symbolism but i think in visuals so i'm really bad with words #but gosh working with everyone on this project was so fun. it was like impossible not to get swept up by the team's hype for this zine #i need to hunt down everybody's work and rb it #ohh and everybody's flowers are so crisply drawn it's insane!! i think if i lined all these flowers and leaves i'd die haha #fan art #my art #project stuff

[uncanny-tranny]

Social transition being seen (by some) as this super easy thing that isn't as hard as real transitioning (medical) is bullshit. Be critical of the idea that there are some trans people who just "have it easy" because they are trans or because they are trans in ways you may not be.

Social transition is just as difficult, hard, and rewarding as medical transition. Maybe it is not as hard for some, sure, but that is not the same as thinking that social transition is inherently easier or lesser. If you're socially transitioning, your voice still matters.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #not to mention that so many people DO want to medically transition but *can't* #so it can be even harder for some when they feel social transition is their only option when they don't want it to be #but social transition carries its own risks and challenges and again rewards #and i've seen this idea plenty where it's like 'oh you don't GET my struggles because you're SOCIALLY transitioning' #and while yes i am different than some trans people to say i'm struggling *more* if i'm the only one medically transitioning is??? huh???? #i don't buy into this idea that social transition is never scary because you don't have the boot of the medical system on your back #(though non-med or pre-med transitioning people still face issues in medical settings so even THEN we aren't seperate) #like there's very few ways you can separate my issues as a medically-transitioning person and the issues of somebody who isn't... #...and by that i mean there's few ways you can separate our issues so that mine trumps theirs or that i'm seen as like... trans but More #does that make sense? #medical transitioning is important but that doesn't mean it is *more* important or that only *it* is important #you can support us who are medically transitioning without erasing the experiences and struggles of other trans people #and plus... so many of us who are medically transitioning NOW are the people who socially transitioned THEN #and dare i say i despised social transition more because of how hard it was? medical transition has been (more or less) easier... #...in that i can just *be* now

[haunted-xander]

I guess old feelings don't disappear that easily

#thinking about her always and forever #trauma isnt easy to overcome and even if/when u do its not like it just leaves #rynes so used to living in anothers shadow that figuring out herself must be hard #especially when its interwoven with the complicated relationship youve had with the person you cared for the most #like ryne clearly looked up to and cared for thancred deeply even when he was fucking up #a big part of why she was struggling so much the entire time was because she wanted thancred to care for her as HER #and not just minfilia reborn #but she couldnt really see herself as anything else and thancred had his Whole Deal going on #so even after things get better and their relationshop mends itself #shed probably still have some fears about the whole situation #like what if im just a replacement still? #and such #okya thats enough ranting. im so Normal about her ok im the Normalest ever. #ryne waters #thancred waters #minfilia warde #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art #xander being insane about ryne

[timeladix]

Friends with benefits but the benefit is giving each other societally unacceptable long hugs and generally being more touchy while literally being friends and not actually a couple

#the person i had a crush on told me that she already knew i liked her like that bc of how long i used to hug her.. and like... #No???? #i want long hungs with most of my frinds?? i just don't feel safe enough?? like what if it gets misinterpreted?? exactly like she did?? #i hate it here #i just wanna hug and hold hands and it to not be deemed as flirting or 'giving signals' or any other bulshit #i'm tired and i want a hug #mine #personal stuff #ish #queer stuff #?? #hugs #friendship stuff #autistic #actually autistic #aromantic #asexual #aroace #and it doesn't apply only to us aroace spec people but to most people like I M SURE OTHERS STRUGGLE WITH THIS TOO #mental health

[aro-bird]

Okay, for aro awareness week, I need you all to start recognizing that:

NOT EVERYONE IN THE ARO COMMUNITY IS FROM THE UNITED STATES OR EUROPE.

Please, when we're having discussions about aphobia, allonormativity amatonormativity, and other issues for the love of god STOP PRETENDING THAT WE DON'T EXIST AND LISTEN TO US!

We aren't just your token aros that exist in the other side of the world just for you to prove that we are everywhere or whatever point you're trying to make, we are living, breathing human beings and members of the aro community and we deserve respect and to be remembered not as a point in your discourse but as equals.

I am sick and tired of people just assuming that everyone in the community is either from the United States or Europe and only centering those voices in the discussion. We exist too.

#mayaposts #aro #aromatic #aro awareness week #aromantic awareness week #aro awareness week 2024 #aroallo #aroace #arospec #filipino aro #asian aro #poc aro #sorry this came about after someone replied to me saying that not everyone can afford necessities with one income and that rent is too #expensive these days with ''just move to less expensive cities like amsterdam or london and get a full time job'' and it PISSED ME OFF #mind you it was a discussion on why aroaces (who may not have partners or roommates) struggle in today's economy #the other person was not only dismissive of the op who was explaining the frustrations of needing to work multiple jobs to stay afloat #but also trying to just dismiss the struggles of single income people (in this case non-partnering aroaces) #and the implication that we should just ''move out of london and amsterdam and get a full time job'' to be able to afford rent #is such a privileged european/american take #sorry im ranting now lol im just peeved off #i dont even know if the other person was aroace at all tbh but whatever

[canisalbus]

I really appriciate how often Machete is depicted struggling and feeling like a burden, while still being loved and supported by Vasco. It gives the top tier angst of "i'm not good enough, I'm not worth it" but you frame it in such a way where it's clear that's just how he *feels* and is not how things really are, but also it's so nice to see someone who struggles quite often in a loving and unique relationship that suits them. The narrative of not being able to love or be loved unless you're consistently healthy is really tiring lol.

.

#ah thank you! I'm so glad these themes come through the way I intended #this touches on something that I've been thinking a lot so sorry if this gets a bit ranty #but I have massive personal beef with the sentiment “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else/someone else can love you ” #I hate it with a passion #I know it's meant to encourage positive growth and I get that self-love and healthy self-image are something you should strive for #but it also sort of sends the message that people who struggle with these sort of issues don't deserve to be loved #not until they reach some external invisible standard of “okay I'm normal and well adjusted now” #“perhaps now I'm worthy of entering a relationship without the danger of dragging the other person down with me” #people who aren't in perfect health mentally or physically already feel like they're inconveniencing others with their mere existence #depriving them of the possibility or even the idea of loving and being loved won't make them better #it's just a stupid idiom it doesn't matter but to me it just comes across as unspeakably cruel way to think #and it rustles my jimmies #answered #anonymous

[mattodore]

playing with dionte's hair bc i'm procrastinating

#river dipping #dionte duval #lykos #ts4 #i do really love how dionte and nicholas kinda have a b4b (bald for bald) thing going on.... but that first hair........ #he looks so good... the urge to keep it is gonna make me develop a twitch under my eye... #i love the shadows the locs add btw like i personally loveee when hair creators add shading #like the DRAMAAA it adds!!! #also don't look too closely at him here bc i actually haven't updated him yet hence no proper edit of him (tho i probably won't change much #i'm really just supposed to be cleaning out the hundreds!! of duplicate households in my library dkhjnkfgh i just. get so distracted #i also have to fix mattodore's households bc i think i accidentally deleted the updated version of them at 20... #like there are multiple other saves?? but they're all with matthias's old chin??? like literally WHERE did the updated version go #so i need to clean out my library from the top down and fix their sims #i really messed my sleep schedule up the day before yesterday when i was working on those edits of delphi btw #but i did enjoy rewatching secretary and watching charade while staying up all night to do them <3 #also listened to the first two chapters of freedom is a constant struggle! editing may take me forever but i do do other things as i do it #...........talking a lot in these tags bc i'm seriously procrastinating jdkhnf i do NOT ! want to clean through my library it's a mess #OH. ALSO GOOD MORNING I FORGOT TO SAY THAT ‼️ #seeing this again two days later and seeing the amount of notes....... y'all weren't meant to reblog this kjhdkfjhndkjgnh #now i'm like damn... is there any reason to make his intro edit like i did for ria and delphi 😭😭😭😭😭

[merehumsafar]

"how do you manage all of it?" i dont. i just. don't.

#its so weird that people have this picture of me in their head #thats just got everything in check #managing everything in a very healthy way and getting things done without struggling #im not #im seriously not that person #but again its okay if they have that idea of me #cuz i dont really want them to know me

[inkskinned]

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

#writeblr #btw i got out #even though i felt this way #i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation #(it's complicated lol) #i had no money and no way out #no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old #and still. i got out. #you can get out too. #i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby #and STILL i got out. #it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2. #i knew there had to be The Rest of The World #and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying #sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u #FUCK YOU ACTUALLY. #im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it. #whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3 #<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3 #<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride. #and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

[blazing-spectre]

the fatter you draw gale the more powerful i grow. thank u

Please enjoy this temporary art-block power-up. The future is in your hands now.

#been struggling to draw and then i remembered this ask... thank u for reminding me of what #is possible etc #my art #personal #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios #bg3 gale #sometimes u just need fun sketchy time to get back into it #BUT THANK U FOR THE ASK #fitting bc every time i draw him fatter it is bc i have gotten that much more powerful :3c

[uncanny-tranny]

Hey, gentle recognition for the people who are taking care of themselves in "not aesthetically-pleasing" ways. To the people who have to do things they don't want to because they know they would suffer more if they didn't, to the people who have to brush their teeth with their fingers, to the people who have to use washcloths to bathe, to the people who need to punch pillows or scream into them to express their intense emotions, to anybody ashamed about the way they need to live and take care of themselves.

You are doing the very best you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's not easy, it's not pretty, but it sure as fuck takes so much to do these things. You are doing what is best for yourself, and I, for one, think you deserve to be proud of that. Self-care isn't easy. It isn't pretty, often, but it's something you shouldn't be ashamed of or hide away because it's deemed "grotesque" or "not really self-care (because self-care is pretty and non-threatening to 'normal peoples' senses)"

#mental health #mental health support #self care #like when i was still in school i would end up forcing myself to go because i knew i would feel worse if i hadn't... #...and i don't think people get how difficult that is. it isn't like you choose to be difficult when you struggle #and feeling ashamed about doing these things only makes the situation worse for them (the person struggling) #something i've just been thinking about #i hate this idea that self-care *only* looks like the 'healthy' person's treat days... #...like lighting candles around your bathtub and putting rose petals in the water... #...because that isn't the only aspect to taking care of yourself. sometimes it looks like forcing yourself to bathe and grieving... #...and using rough washcloths because you can't stand the feeling of your own skin and you can't stand how dirty you feel... #...and obviously i'm not saying that mentally ill people doing self-care is the only way it looks... #...but that it really doesn't help us when self-care is almost made into a 'non-threatening' activity that is pleasant and nice-looking #and of course the examples i used in this post were examples and aren't the end-all-be-all

[will-pilled]

"Being poor is a choice, you can get out of it if you work hard."

I live with 4 people, one of which is a child. I work a full time job. So does another. And the third works two part times.

We have no heating. Our electric keeps getting shut off. We didn't have anything AT ALL to drink for 3 days.

You REALLY fucking think we choose to live like this? You think I want to fucking FREEZE right now as I type? FUCK all the out of touch lucky people saying this shit.

Is it possible to get out of a poor family? Yes. But the majority of the time your area of living is what predicts your wealth.

#I am white and am lucky #but my mother is native american (i am her only white child) and she has been treated like jack SHIT. #Her race had a lot to do with her status as I was growing up #My sister (the child) is already getting called the N word #Fucking hell I hate these motherfuckers #personal #classism #class struggle #class war #anti capitalism #anti capitalist

[fagtainsparklez]

the jaiden-roier-cellbit dynamic is so important to me because like. cellbit treats jaiden and roier's relationship with the same level of respect and importance that jaiden treats roier and cellbit's marriage. which may not seem like that big of a thing but like. platonic relationships are often seen as "lesser" than romantic ones, and that your romantic partner should come first before all other bonds in your life. and seeing cellbit treat jaiden and roier's bond and relationship with the same respect that jaiden treats his marriage. as an arospec person it genuinely makes me want to sob

#icarus speaks #THEY ARE THE BLUEPRINT!!!!!!! #THE MOMENT THE EVERYTHING #everything about them in general is so. like some of THE healthiest treatment of aspec relationships ive ever seen #the fact that roier is hypersexual but cellbit is aspec. and there is no conflict with this. sex does not define their relationship #the fact that Everyone acknowledges the importance of roier and jaiden's relationship #they're seen as partners just as much as any of the romantic egg pairings #just. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh #personally i was struggling a bit with acknowledgement of being aroace. bc a Lot of my friends have been getting into relationships #and i Know that there is a possibility Of me being the lesser of the two options bc romance is so prioritized #but seeing these three gives me so much hope #i hope they know how important they are to the aroace/aroacespectrum community :((

[tieflingteatime]

how am I expected to hold down a full time job when all I want to do is play baldur's gate 3

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #honestly now I've got the hang of my new job and work load I'm struggling hard with not thinking about it lol #astarion is a permanent distraction #rip the person i was pre-early access. im never getting them back again lmao