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bearsbeetsbeskar · 4 months

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Study Days with Joel (Joel Miller x f!reader)

pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (no outbreak) word count: 3.5k of pure smut rating: Explicit, MDNI 18+, swearing, oral sex (f! receiving), fingering, breath play, choking, age gap (reader is in her early 20s, Joel is in his 40s), no physical descriptions of reader except that Joel is able to lift her up summary: You have your state psychology exam coming up, the last step in getting your degree, but studying is the bane of your existence. Joel comes up with an alternative solution to help you study for the exam. A/N: Soooo, this was rotting my brain for the last month of my semester in grad school, pretty sure I was ovulating and I started typing it out in the library on campus. Best believe I struggled to get any studying done, thinking about this fictional man. This is also my first time writing smut so please be kind. Not beta'd cause I literally just needed to get it OUT. Comment and reblog if you like it. Enjoy! 🌚 🌹-N main masterlist

“C’mon baby, try again. Wanna hear it.”

You whine and squirm under the weight of his grip, his forearm pinning your hips further into the mattress like an iron bar.

“Jo- fuck,” you pant as your hips buck up, chasing the heat of his mouth. The crumpled study cheat sheet that you were clutching is long abandoned as your right hand snakes through his curls and grips them hard.

All you can do is mewl helplessly as Joel laps away at your aching cunt, his tongue lathing in wide strokes through your folds, before flattening it and swirling it around your swollen clit.

“Try again,” he mumbles into your core. The vibrating rumble of his baritone sends shockwaves throughout your body, as he presses a kiss to your clit, then moves down to lick into your hole, drinking up your arousal.

You gasp, canting your hips up again, trying to get him closer.

Deeper.

More of his tongue, more of his fingers, more Joel.

“I can’t,” you sob in desperation and arch your back, more wetness seeping out of your pussy.

Your mind is reduced to mush at this point. The only sensations that exist are the heat of Joel’s mouth, the softness of his curly locks, and the damp fabric of the sheets underneath you.

“Yes, you can,” he whispers against your core. “You remembered it earlier today. C’mon” He looks up at you, those sinful chocolate eyes devouring you whole.

The photographic memory you were so confident in fails you instantly, as you try to remember concepts from the cheat sheet. The only image you can see is Joel's predatory gaze peering up at you from your core, the lower half of his face drenched in your slick.

You have no doubt that Joel’s intentions were pure. Wholesome, even. The key word being were. But the way he’s sucking on your pussy lips, devouring your cunt as if it was his last meal on earth, nothing about this feels wholesome or pure.

He wanted to help you study for your upcoming licensing exam, the final step in getting your degree. When he suggested helping you out, you figured he would run through the material with you a couple times, test you on a few concepts, and then reassure you that you had nothing to worry about. Kiss you on the forehead and tell you that you’d ace the exam no problem.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re gonna do just fine baby, you’re overthinking it. You and I both know that you know your stuff.” He grabs your face, his massive palms enveloping your cheeks, as he kisses you on the forehead while you continue your anxious tirade.

“Yeah, but not with statistics!” Anxiety bubbles up through your chest, solidifying and compressing your lungs as you squawk back at him.

“This is math, my worst fucking enemy. I hate that they include this portion on the exam, it’s not like I’ll ever need to know how the different types of reliability and validity will help a client in a counseling session-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he presses his thumbs into your cheekbones ever so slightly, interrupting your runaway thoughts and bringing you back to earth. “Look at me.”

You attempt to hang your head in defeat but Joel’s strong hands keep your head in place. Pouting incessantly, you roll your eyes and pointedly look away from him.

“Hey.” He grunts and shakes your head sharply. “I saw that.”

You’re still mostly in panic mode, but the edge in his tone has warmth rushing through your body, and your gaze trailing back up to meet him.

Joel strokes your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, back and forth. The featherlight touch on your soft skin lulls you out of panic mode, as your shoulders slump and your posture relaxes. Pulling you in for a hug, he cups the back of your head, his other hand rubbing up and down your back. The heat from his large hand bleeds through your sleep shirt, wrapping your body in his comforting warmth.

“You’re smarter than anyone I know darlin,’ told ya so from the first day we met. Hell, I don’t know anyone else who has the entirety of that damn manual memorized front to back, ‘cept for you.” He presses his lips into the crown of your head, inhaling the sweet smell of you.

You snort, but it comes out muffled as you press your face further into his broad chest.

“That’s different. That stuff is interesting to me, it’s easy to absorb. Statistics is math, and math is the devil.” You grumble, nuzzling further into the warmth of his shirt, breathing in the faint smell of his detergent and cologne. The smell of Joel.

“I know. But I’m sure in the beginning, even memorizing a quarter of the stuff was a headache, and yet you did it. You just gotta give this a chance,” he murmurs against your hair. “Maybe there’s a different method we haven’t figured out yet, that will help it click, hm?”

He continues to rub slow circles against your back when you mumble something incoherent and bury more into his chest, wrapping your arms around his middle.

Joel was right. You knew he was, as much as you hated to admit it. But above all else, he genuinely cared about helping you succeed, and if there was anything he could do to make life easier for you, or let you know that you weren’t alone in your struggles, he would do it. And he always spoke about conquering those struggles as a team, as your partner, always willing to carry the load for you if you couldn’t handle it yourself.

Not that he doubted you in the first place. But it was always ‘we’ or ‘us,’ never just ‘you,’ or ‘I.’ It’s one of the reasons why you were head over heels in love with him. Sometimes you wondered if he realized how much strength he gave you by simply existing.

“Remind me again,” he shifts his arms so that they wrap around you, gluing you to his body,.

“What’s the difference between.. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder?”

Although you’re not looking at him, you know that he has a smile on his face. He fully knows that you know the correct answer. Sighing deeply, you turn your head to the side.

“Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder where a person experiences psychosis, or hallucinations and or delusional thinking, but schizoaffective disorder is when a person experiences the same psychotic symptoms, along with symptoms of a mood disorder, like depression or mania.”

“Straight from the fuckin’ textbook,” he whispers in your ear, before leaning down to kiss your pulse point. “My smart cookie.”

Shivering in response, you tilt your head to the side as his lips trail down your neck, pressing soft, wet kisses and nibbling ever so slightly. Gasping, you tilt your head further, giving him more access and melting in his embrace.

“Mmm.” Joel rumbles, the deep vibration reverberating through his chest.

“Why don’t we try another study method and see how it works?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Little did you know that another study method would involve you laid out beneath Joel, his broad frame caging you in as he took you apart with his mouth. Every kiss, every lick, every suckle to your clit, had your eyes rolling to the back of your head as Joel tested your restraint.

“Tell me again baby, I know you know it.”

He whispers into your wetness, pulling away to press wet kisses to the inside of your thighs. When you don’t answer immediately, he sinks his teeth into the soft flesh, applying the slightest pressure that makes you gasp and lift your head to look down at him. He doesn’t say anything else, save for quirking his brow, patiently waiting while his tongue soothes over the indents on your skin.

“Stat-fuck.”

You swallow, your throat desperately dry from the hoarse moans and whimpers you’ve been letting out.

“Statistical significance is- is when the rela-relationsh-shit,” you pant as Joel’s tongue traces your outer lips, sucking slightly before dipping into your hole and curling, “between two or more v-variables is caused by s-something other than-ngh chance.”

The last part comes out as a rushed gasp as scorching heat runs through your veins, with Joel’s mouth magnetized to your cunt, but he praises you nonetheless.

He hums and gives you a devious smile.

“Good girl,” he purrs, grazing your slit with his middle finger, gathering up the obscene amount of wetness leaking out of you, before sliding two thick fingers into your cunt.

You barely have time to catch your breath, choking on gasp as you revel in the stretch of his fingers. So fucking long and thick. You never get tired of how they fill you so perfectly.

“My good fucking girl. So fuckin’ smart.” He growls into your cunt, curling his dexterous fingers, effortlessly pressing up against that spot that makes your eyes roll back and clench around him.

“Oh shit.”

Your mind goes blank as you whine and start to tense your stomach, hips lifting up again seeking out more friction. The stretch of his fingers is delicious, the way they hook inside you, reaching spots you can never reach yourself. It makes your head spin as he continues to lathe his tongue up and down, flattening it and making wide circles around your clit.

You can feel the heat starting to build in your core, licking up your spine as Joel keeps slowly pushing his fingers in and out of your dripping cunt. Steadily, in and out, until your hips are tightening and loosing with the building pressure.

“Joel, please.”

You sob and lift your hips up once more to meet his mouth, pull his fingers in deeper.

“Shhh babygirl. You’re doing good so far,” he lifts his mouth off your pussy, his drenched lips hovering just above it as he presses a chaste kiss to your mound.

He waits a beat, before a devious grin spreads across his face.

“But you gotta be prepared for all sorts of distractions when you’re writing that exam, gotta be able to focus and tune it all out.”

Your thoughts aren’t even coherent at this point. Your brain is just a soggy pile of mush, frayed neurons, misfiring in all directions. He’s kidding right?

Joel Miller is your biggest distraction.

Always.

You barely have time to lift your head up and watch his malicious smile disappear, as it morphs into something primal.

Pure hunger.

He rises up from his place between your legs, releasing your one leg he was holding to spread you open, while his other hand is still knuckle deep in your tight, throbbing pussy.

Coming up on the bed to hover over your frame, you’re awestruck by his size. How much bigger he is than you. How broad he is, with his shoulders spanning twice the amount of space as yours. It makes you shiver, your skin tingling under the thin layer of sweat that coats your naked body.

“Next question sugar. Ready?”

Joel licks his lips, his pupils blown black as he snaps his fingers against that spongy spot deep inside you. The air is punched out of your lungs as you choke on a gasp.

“Fuck, Joel.”

“I know baby, I know.”

He coos at you, leaning down to kiss you. Gently brushing his lips against yours before his tongue teases the seam of your lips, you open up to him. He swallows your moans, tongue dancing with yours as he groans, sucking on your bottom lip.

Breaking away he pants as his gaze flicks between your lips to your eyes. “Y’trust me?”

For a fraction of a second, you see the concern in his big rounded eyes. The dominance dissipates as he checks in with you, making sure you’re still with him, and that it’s not too much.

You nod frantically before you can even process his words.

“Words baby, I gotta hear those sweet words.”

“Yes, Joel.” One word falling from your lips.

“Please”

“There we go. Now, can you tell me what inter-rater reliability is?”

“Uhhh.” You wish you could answer him, you really could. But he keeps fucking his fingers into you, pressing up against your g-spot at the same steady pace. The squelching sounds coming from your pussy are obscene, causing your brain to short circuit as you feel the familiar coil tightening in your lower belly.

You try to continue, but as soon as you do, Joel’s free hand slowly snakes around your neck. His massive palm envelopes the circumference of your throat, as he grasps it loosely.

Instantly your mouth drops open as you whine, eyes glazing over. He loves playing with you. It’s all too easy to turn you into a babbling mess, drunk on his pleasure in a matter of minutes. His voice, his hands, his mouth.

Sobbing and squirming underneath him, another pulse of pleasure shoots straight to your core as you clench around his thick fingers. He’s not even squeezing, barely applying the slightest bit of pressure but fuck, it makes you dizzy already.

You love when he chokes you, love feeling his huge warm hands encircling the column of your neck. The way that those hands could so easily snap you in half, holding onto your fate. It makes you ridiculously wet, your pussy fluttering in anticipation.

Joel tilts his head, drinking you in underneath his predatory gaze, before the corner of his mouth slowly lifts into a smile.

“Distractions baby. Gotta think past them”

All you can do is look up at him through teary doe eyes and whimper. In response, his thumb starts to gently circle your clit while his fingers continue stretching you out.

“Joel, please.”

It’s all you can repeat. Begging that he take mercy on you and forget the studying, and just fuck you senseless already.

“Nuh-uh baby, answer the question.” His grip around your throat tightens ever so slightly as he encourages you again.

Swallowing as best as you can while the warmth of his palm bleeds through your skin, you try to think of the answer. But all you can feel is the heat simmering in your belly, the dampness of the sheets beneath you from all the arousal seeping out of your cunt.

“Interrater r-reliability is a measure of val-lidity-”

Joel clicks his tongue and removes his thumb from your clit. You whimper as your hips rise up, chasing his touch.

“Mm, not quite darlin.’ Try again.”

Your brain flounders, unable to conjure up any images of your cheat sheet or study material. The only thing keeping you tethered to reality is the warmth emanating from his large frame caging in your body, and his fingertips pressed into the sides of your throat.

He lets up slightly around your neck, as you pant and bite your lip.

“Inter-rater r-reliability, is a measure of consistency, or the d-degree of agreement between different people -fuck, observing the s-same thing.” The last couple words fade out as he starts running his fingers soothingly up and down the sides of your neck.

“There you go baby,” he purrs. “Very good, so fucking good for me.”

Immediately, his hand slithers around your neck again as his grip gets tighter and tighter, till you’re gasping. Euphoria floods your brain. A gush of wetness seeps out around Joe’s fingers that are still buried in your cunt as you clench hard around him.

You grasp at the sheets, grasp at the hand wrapped around your neck as you writhe underneath him incessantly, your mouth falling open as you try to say his name again.

Growling at the way your body responds to him instantly, Joel’s fingers inside you pick up their pace, thrusting into you and snapping up against that spot that makes you go cross-eyed. His thumb presses down against your clit as he starts to circle it quickly.

“Did so well baby. So fucking smart, and good for me.” His lips curl as he bares his teeth at you.

You’ve never felt smaller in your life. Never felt more aroused. You want him to swallow you whole and wreck you. Then put you back together how he sees fit.

Your lips try to press together, forming the ‘p’ in ‘please’ as you go to beg him for release again. Watching your eyes glaze over, he nods in response.

“Go ahead babygirl, can feel you squeezing me so fuckin' hard. That tight little pussy is drooling, begging for release.”

He leans over you, till his lips are right beside your ear.

"Cum all over my fucking hand and I’ll pound that pretty pussy from behind till you can’t see straight, make you watch in the mirror.”

That’s all it takes. His filthy fucking mouth unraveling your body while his hands break you apart.

All the heat in your body pinpoints towards your core, as you feel your toes start to curl and your eyes roll back as your cunt tightens around his fingers. The coil deep inside you snaps as he lets off your neck, and you cry out, your orgasm washing over you in waves.

It’s searing, white hot euphoria. Endless ecstasy coursing through your veins as your body locks up and convulses, your pussy gushing around him. His fingers don’t slow down, fucking you through it as you arch off the bed, gripping the sheets with white knuckles, wailing his name as if it’s the only answer.

Forget the studying, forget school, forget anything.

Just Joel.

“There you fuckin’ go.” He murmurs in awe, mesmerized at you falling apart for him.

“My good fucking girl, came so hard. So fucking wet for me.”

He presses soft kisses all over your face, your neck, your chest while murmuring more praise. Pulling his soaked fingers out as your body still shakes with aftershocks, he sucks them into his mouth, his eyes falling shut.

You mewl at the sight and let your head thunk against the pillow.

You feel drained. Flattened. Exhausted in the best possible way.

He rests his head on your tummy, looking up at you with adoration. Like you captured the fucking moon for him.

The hunger in his eye is gone, the depth of his chocolate brown irises replaced with warmth and love. Rubbing his hands up and down your sides and kissing the softness of your skin, he checks in with you.

“Holy fuck,” You huff out as you will your breathing to slow down.

He chuckles, the crinkles around his eyes deepen.

“How was that?”

“Well, I’m not gonna be able to conjure up the definition for statistical significance or interrater reliability without remembering your fingers deep inside my pussy.”

You reach down and bury your hands into the soft mop of curls, trailing them down to caress his jaw. You trace the patchy scruff of his beard as Joel turns his head to press his lips against your fingertips.

“But it certainly is a memorable study method.

You flash him a tired smile. "I’m a big fan”

Sweat beads at your hairline as you feel your hair plastered to your forehead, yet he looks at you with same intensity and adoration.

“I’m glad I could help darlin.’ If you can stand my distractions, I have no doubt you’ll ace the exam.”

Mischief laces his tone as he leans up and over you to kiss your forehead. Moving down, kissing your cheek, your lips, his lips brush your pulse point as he licks and nibbles.

You whimper helplessly and tilt your head, giving him more access.

“We’ll see about that. I’m just lucky I have a very good study buddy”

“Oh we’re just getting started sugar,” he whispers in your ear. “That was just the first chapter of material, we got the rest of the textbook to cover, and the rest of the fuckin night.”

Goosebumps prickle across your skin as you shiver again, warmth flooding from your pussy. His fingers dip down, slipping through your folds as he feels how wet you are. He pulls his fingers up, watching the clear webbing of your arousal coat his fingers, as his eyes darken and his gaze flicks back to you.

“Get on your hands and knees for me.”

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A couple weeks later, you get your exam results through the mail. You passed with flying colours, although you’re not really sure how to be honest. But it doesn’t matter as you fling your arms around Joel’s neck, one hand clutching the ripped open envelope as he lifts you off your feet and swings you around, elated for your success.

Needless to say you don’t study by yourself again for future tests after that study session.

#joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller fic

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sacredwarrior88 · 7 months

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I Don't Wanna Fight (Spencer Reid x OC)

Summary: Zafina and Spencer have been married for a few years now and even have twin boys together. But their marriage is put to the ultimate test when Spencer is sent to prison and when he is released. Eventually the tension and fighting becomes too much to handle and they separate for some time. But they eventually find their way back to each other and decide to work on their marriage. This is Part 3 in a trilogy and here is Part 1 and Part 2!

Warnings: Mention of sex (18+ only), arguing, sexting (one-sided), harassment, cheating accusations

Tagging: @reidsbtch @reiderwriter @uchihasanctuary @bleach-your-panties @dabis-azure-songbird @erikandersonsspouse

There’s a pale moon in the sky The kind you make your wishes on Oh, like the light in your eyes The one I built my dreams upon

It had been many years since Zafina married Spencer. 6 years to be exact. The wedding was a Halloween wedding with an open bar and buffet and although Spencer wanted something small, he had to compromise due to Zafina having a large family. A lot of the more distant relatives weren’t able to attend the wedding for various reasons but they did send lots of gifts. The relatives that were able to attend were pretty surprised when they met Spencer during the wedding planning because they didn’t think he was the kind of guy Zafina would go for. Her parents and siblings had already welcomed Spencer with open arms which made him pretty happy. Although Spencer was pretty awkward and nervous around Zafina’s family, his anxiety and fears were eased thanks to her and he slowly started to open up to them. Zafina wanted Spencer’s mom Diana to attend the wedding as well and met her in person for the first time when he brought her to their home the week before.

Diana and Zafina hit it off much better than Spencer expected and her children also loved being around Diana which was a major bonus. The team also attended the wedding as expected and of course they had a huge blast too! The wedding was amazing with many hilarious moments as well as romantic ones! But the true romance and surprise came during Zafina and Spencer’s honeymoon to Bora Bora. During a romantic dinner, Zafina had given Spencer a cipher to crack that she had created herself. He cracked it instantly and he was completely gobsmacked by the meaning. Zafina was 3 months pregnant! With twin boys at that! Spencer was overjoyed and very excited throughout the entire pregnancy, treating Zafina like a queen and watching her like a hawk to make sure everything was alright.

On February 25th, Zafina delivered Dante and Dalton Reid via C-section and it was the happiest day of her life. Spencer was in tears as he held his sons, vowing to protect them and always be there for them. Their lives changed forever from that point on but there was a storm coming that would put their marriage to the ultimate test!

It’s not there any longer Something happened somewhere and we both know why But me, I’m getting stronger We must stop pretending I can’t live this life

6 years later, Zafina didn’t even know who Spencer was at this point. Being framed and going to prison was extremely hard on him and although he tried to push Zafina away, she wouldn’t allow it and was by his side the entire time. She wrote him letters, called him, and even visited him whenever she could! Zafina was gonna stand by her man no matter what and she didn’t care how long it took for Spencer to see that!

Zafina obviously expected Spencer to change and he definitely did. He was more aggressive and outspoken for starters. She was worried that he might be suffering from PTSD which she instantly recognized the signs of thanks to her military experience. In the bedroom, Spencer was rougher, more dominant, and seemed to be insatiable even!

Zafina tried to get Spencer to open up about his time in prison but it would always result in an argument or him distracting her with rough sex. Sometimes he would even lash out at her which led to even bigger arguments because Zafina didn’t play that shit at all! She was starting to get tired of all this fighting and although she definitely enjoyed the sex with Spencer, it wasn’t enough for her to want to keep this marriage going! Zafina knew that the breaking point was coming and she was starting to brace herself for impact.

It came when Zafina was in the shower one day and her phone was buzzing. She was in a group chat with fellow professors at her college and there was one professor in particular who always had the hots for her but she kept rejecting him and turning him down. Professor George Love. He was a black man who was a bit older than Zafina and he didn’t like the fact that she was married to a white man 10 years her junior. While Spencer was locked up, George kept putting the moves on Zafina and trying to get with her which she ignored. Eventually she got tired of it all and told George off before blocking him.

Zafina and Spencer had an open phone policy and although they never went through each other’s phones because they trusted each other, they still had each other’s passwords and such. Apparently George must’ve gotten a new number because he was texting Zafina various sexual messages and even sent her a dick pic or two. To make matters worse, George was talking shit about Spencer and dared to say that his dick was bigger when that couldn’t be further from the truth!

Spencer noticed that Zafina’s phone kept buzzing with text notifications and his curiosity got the better of him. As he read the text messages George was sending Zafina, his anger started to rise and rise. Although logically he knew that Zafina would never cheat on him, he still felt insecure and isolated about his time in prison and he didn’t think he was good enough for Zafina or their sons.

When Zafina came out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around her body and hair, she noticed Spencer staring at her phone and raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong Spence?”

“Who the fuck is this guy sending you text messages and nudes? And why is he talking about me?” Spencer snarled while throwing Zafina’s phone at her which she caught with ease. Her eyes widened as she read George’s messages and she made a disgusted noise when she saw the dick pics. Zafina immediately blocked the number and sighed.

“It’s not what you think Spencer. That guy’s name is George Love and he’s a professor at the college I work at. He’s been trying to get with me ever since before you went to prison. He’s one of those black people who hates interracial relationships and the fact that you’re 10 years my junior doesn’t help either. I’ve never given him the time of day nor does he know a single detail about our relationship. I blocked his number years ago and told him off but apparently he doesn’t know when to quit. I’m gonna deal with this in the morning.”

Spencer gave Zafina a blank stare as she explained herself. Was she really telling the truth? Normally he would be able to tell but for some reason, he couldn’t and that scared him to death. Spencer didn’t respond to fear very well and Zafina could tell that he was about to break down.

“Spencer? I’m telling the truth, I swear. I would never cheat on you ever. I love you too much to hurt you that way. Please just talk to me. I’m tired of you shutting me out like this. We used to talk about anything and everything but now it’s like you only notice me when you’re fucking me.”

“Zafina, I keep telling you over and over again that I don’t want to talk about this. Why do you keep bringing this up? I’m not shutting you out! But it definitely seems like you are! You actually expect me to believe that you were faithful to me while I was in prison? You’re not one to go without sex Zafina. You’re far more insatiable than I am!”

It was at this point that Zafina had enough. She wasn’t putting up with this anymore. Fuck this! How dare Spencer talk to her that way?! Was he implying that she was some kind of sex-crazed whore with no self-control? Little did Spencer know, his comments reminded him of how Zafina had been berated and slandered when she reported her gang rape decades ago and it pissed her off!

“I’m done, Spencer. I’m tired of this shit. We’re separating. Get the fuck out! You fucking cruel bastard!” Zafina took the towel off her head and threw it at Spencer, hitting him in the face. It was taking every ounce of her self-control to not punch him or do something even worse to him. Spencer was no stranger to Zafina’s temper but despite this, he refused to budge. Not without a fight.

“What about the boys?”

“What about them? You haven’t exactly been yourself around them either. Dante asked me the other day if you still loved him. No child should ever have to ask that about their parents. We need time apart Spencer and you need to get some fucking help or else this marriage will come to an end. I’m not going to say it again. Get the fuck out now or I’ll force you out. I don’t give a rat’s ass where you go as long as I don’t have to see your insufferable face again!”

Zafina’s words shattered Spencer’s heart but deep down, he knew she was right and their marriage was barely hanging on by a thread. There was a time to fight for their marriage but this wasn’t it. Without saying another word, Spencer packed his bags and walked downstairs towards the front door.

“Daddy? Where are you going?”

Dante and Dalton were in the living room playing video games as Spencer walked by. How was he supposed to answer them? Should he answer them?

“Daddy’s going away for a while for work.”

Zafina had come downstairs wearing sexy silk pajamas that Spencer was never able to resist. Damn her and her impeccable timing! One of the many things he loved about her!

“Yeah your mom’s right. I have to go away for a while because of my job. I love you two and I will come back. I’m not walking out on you or your mother.”

Spencer gave Zafina a look of determination before he walked out of their family home, beginning their separation. Would it become permanent or was it temporary? Only time will tell.

I don’t care who’s wrong or right I don’t really want to fight no more (Too much talking babe) Let’s sleep on it tonight I don’t really want to fight no more This is time for letting go

Five months had passed since Spencer and Zafina separated and some progress happened during those five months. Zafina had reported George to the dean for sexual harassment, using all of the text messages and photos from her phone as proof. Turns out that she wasn’t the only victim of his and Zafina’s report was the final nail in the coffin. George was swiftly fired and he even had the audacity to try and go after Zafina physically as revenge. This led to her beating his ass in the college parking lot and gaining a lot of respect and admiration from the female staff and students.

Spencer decided to use his time off to his advantage and actually get help because he was getting to the point where he was considering using dilaudid again and if that happened, he could kiss his marriage goodbye! Zafina knew about his previous drug use and how it came to be but Spencer wasn’t going to test whether or not she would stay with him if he relapsed! He was already on thin ice as it was!

Spencer called Dante and Dalton every night and this led to him talking to Zafina as well. They would have deep conversations like they used to and kept each other up to date on anything important. Spencer was pretty happy to hear that George got fired for his actions and he was ecstatic to hear that Zafina kicked his ass. He didn’t say it out loud but the thought of her beating that pompous asshole really turned him on!

It was now October 31st. Halloween and their 7th wedding anniversary. Spencer had called Zafina early that morning and told her that he was picking her up later that night to take her to a restaurant that he had made reservations for. Zafina was nervous about how this anniversary would go. She knew that they would have to talk about the future of their marriage at some point and Spencer was most likely using their anniversary to do so. It was the moment of truth for them and damn was Zafina scared!

As nightfall started to roll around, Zafina began to get ready for her date with Spencer. Dante and Dalton were at JJ and Will’s place for the night so she wasn’t worried about their wellbeing. When Spencer arrived at the house, he let himself in since he still had the key and Zafina hadn’t changed the locks. Zafina was still in their bedroom, putting the final touches on her makeup and brushing her hair all the while wearing a gorgeous red dress that showed her curves and exposed some skin even. She was going all out on this anniversary!

Spencer walked into the bedroom and smiled when he saw Zafina all dressed up. It was rare that she dressed to the nines like that and that’s what made it all the more special to him. Even though it was obvious that Zafina had aged over the years, Spencer still found her sexy and gorgeous which he wasn’t afraid to let her know.

“You’re early Spencer. Why am I not surprised?”

“Did you expect anything less? Are you ready yet?”

“You can’t rush perfection Spence!”

“You’re perfect to me no matter what Zafina.”

That flustered Zafina and she stood up, grabbing her handbag. Even after all these years, she still didn’t have a response to Spencer’s comebacks sometimes! He still knew how to fluster her and make her shut up!

The drive to the restaurant was filled with silence but it was comfortable silence and Spencer had one hand on Zafina’s thigh as he drove. It was small moments like these that Zafina always treasured during their relationship. Just being around each other in complete silence letting their actions speak for themselves.

Upon their arrival at the restaurant, Spencer and Zafina were immediately led to their reserved table which was by a large window with a gorgeous view of the city. She gasped when she saw how fancy and beautiful everything looked and her heart even skipped a few beats. How in the hell was Spencer able to pull off something like this?!

As they ordered their drinks and appetizers, Spencer decided to rip the band-aid off and get straight to the point just like Zafina preferred it.

“I want to come home. I miss being with you and the boys every night. I miss waking up next to you every morning. Zafina I want to work on this marriage and I don’t want a divorce.”

Their drinks and appetizers arrived and Zafina immediately began to dig in since she hadn’t eaten a single thing all day! She didn’t want to spoil this amazing dinner and Spencer found it pretty adorable when Zafina started stuffing her face like a competitive eater.

“I don’t want a divorce either Spencer but I’m not going to tolerate this kind of behavior from you. You can’t shut me out like this and you can’t lash out at me like you did, making snide comments. I know you’ve been through something terrible and I know a thing or two about how trauma affects people. I may not be able to understand your trauma but I do know what it’s like to be affected by it. I’ve had some very traumatic experiences myself after all.”

Zafina never told Spencer about her gang rape during her time in the military and although she didn’t really wish to, she was willing to for the sake of the conversation. After all, she knew Spencer would never judge her nor blame her! Just like she would never do the same to him!

“I know and I’m very sorry Zafina. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you in any kind of way. I was just scared and I don’t handle fear very well. You’re such a beautiful, amazing woman and when I went to prison, I didn’t expect you to actually be there for me and continue staying by my side. Why would someone as amazing as you be faithful to a screw-up like me? I didn’t think I was good enough for you or the boys and I guess distancing myself was my way of proving it. I’ve always been a bit insecure about our relationship and going to prison just made it worse.”

Zafina nodded as she took in Spencer’s words. It was pretty funny that he always felt insecure about their relationship because she had her own insecurities as well! But Spencer always comforted her about them and eventually the insecurities weren’t much of an issue anymore. The irony was not lost on her!

The waiter came by and took their orders for the main course. Spencer and Zafina ironically ordered the same thing which made them chuckle in unison.

“Great minds think alike huh Spence? You have nothing to be afraid of. I will never leave you for another man. There isn’t a single man on this Earth who can compare to you or do what you do for me. It’s ok to be scared, baby. I was too, especially when we started dating. Failure, fear. In the lives that we live, these things are inevitable. How we deal with them is the true test of our character.”

“Well I definitely failed that test then.”

“No you didn’t Spencer. If you did, we would be in divorce court right now instead of sitting here at a restaurant on our anniversary. You just stumbled and fell. Now you have to get back up and keep going. You won’t be going through this alone. I’ll be right by your side as long as you don’t push me away.”

Zafina always knew what to say and how to uplift people! Even though she wasn’t a profiler, she was quite good at reading people and had a lot of charm in spite of her ice queen persona that she often put on in front of others. Spencer fought back tears as he thought about what Zafina said and took it to heart. She always knew how to render him speechless.

“Beloved? Are you still with me? Don’t punk out on me now,” Zafina chuckled as she gently held Spencer’s hand and rubbed the back of it with her thumb. Her words made him smile smugly as he lifted up her hand and kissed it.

“The only one who’s gonna punk out tonight is you. I hope you don’t plan on going to work tomorrow because you won’t have the energy for it. We have to make up for lost time after all.”

The look that Spencer gave Zafina made chills run down her spine as she rubbed her thighs together. The rough sex that they had been having since he got out of prison was quite a shock to her because years ago, she would have to beg him to be rougher or more dominant. Spencer had trouble fully expressing himself in the bedroom which Zafina related to heavily. It was something they worked on together which made the sex all the more meaningful and special to her.

“Not that I’m complaining Spencer but what exactly made you get so rough all of a sudden? You would’ve been scared out of your mind to even spank me years ago but now it’s like you’re a complete beast. Is it because of you being incarcerated?”

“Yes. I was afraid that I’d never see you again and when you’re in prison, you have nothing but time. I was thinking about all of the things we never got to do in bed and the things that you wanted from me. Life is too short to take things for granted and now that I have my freedom back, I don’t want to have any regrets.”

Zafina and Spencer’s main courses came and they immediately started to dig in. The food was absolutely delicious and although Spencer preferred Zafina’s cooking any day, he had to admit that he was very impressed with how good the meal was! He made a great choice in picking this restaurant!

“This is amazing Spencer. I never thought that I would eat at a restaurant like this! How are you able to afford all of this? Did Rossi help you?”

“No but he did recommend this place to me. I have more money than you think Zafina and you deserve to be spoiled like this. A queen only deserves the best after all. Sit back, relax, and let me take care of everything. I got this darling.”

Zafina wasn’t used to a man taking care of her and spoiling her without expecting something in return and acting like an entitled brat. Even though she had been with Spencer for a long time, she still wasn’t used to how well he treated her and often had to fight feelings of guilt and uncertainty. Zafina gave Spencer a gentle smile and licked her lips seductively.

“Make me scream your name Spencer.”

“Oh I plan to. But try to take it easy on your vocal chords. You don’t want to blow out your vocal chords again do you?”

“That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t hit my cervix Spence! It hurts like hell when a guy does that to a woman! You’re lucky I didn’t have to go to the ER!”

“That will never happen again, Zafina. I can promise you that. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.”

“Spencer, you've apologized a thousand times since then. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. You just got carried away. It happens sometimes. Especially when the sex is as amazing as it is with you.”

Spencer choked on his drink and coughed a bit. Was he actually blushing? Zafina chuckled as he tried to gather himself. He looked so adorable when he was flustered like that out in public! The waiter came by with the bill and Spencer immediately took out his wallet, giving the waiter his card and leaving a large tip. Zafina was going to offer to pay the tip at least but the look Spencer gave her changed her mind real fast! It also nearly unleashed a waterfall in between her legs!

A waterfall that was now replaced by a hot, relaxing shower as Spencer bathed Zafina and massaged her sore muscles. She was also quite exhausted after the rough, passionate sex they just had so he picked her up bridal style and carried her back to the bedroom after drying her off, laying her down on the bed and picking out something for her to wear to bed while putting on a pair of boxers.

“Spence? Get me one of my Cowboys jerseys. It’s only fitting considering what we just did.”

The joke wasn’t lost on Spencer and he chuckled as he grabbed an oversized Dallas Cowboys jersey from their closet and threw it at Zafina along with a pair of clean panties. Spencer wasn’t one for football but Zafina’s enjoyment of it sparked his interest and he always watched the Super Bowl with her every year since they got married thanks to her family always having Super Bowl parties.

After Zafina got dressed, Spencer climbed into bed next to her and began to kiss her slowly and gently while wrapping his arms around her. It was moments like these that made Zafina realize that the nerdy, awkward, and sweet Spencer that she fell in love with still existed somewhere inside of him which made her very happy.

“I love you Spencer. Welcome home.”

“I love you too Zafina. I’m glad to be home. I’m sorry for everything and I promise to be a better man for you and the boys.”

Zafina desperately wanted to say something back but her body had other ideas and she was fast asleep within seconds, snoring softly. Spencer smiled and kissed her forehead, watching her sleep. He was far from a religious man but if there was a God out there, he was definitely thanking him for blessing him with an amazing wife like Zafina! Most women would’ve walked out on him with everything that’s happened but not her. She still stayed with him despite everything and in spite of their separation periods, she was still willing to work on their marriage.

As Spencer drifted off to sleep himself, he smiled a genuine smile for the first time since he got out of prison as he thought about his long relationship with Zafina and the many ups and downs they’ve had over the years, leading up to this blissful moment. She was his soulmate and he was hers. Always and forever. Till death separates them.

Oh, baby, don’t you know That I don’t want to hurt no more (It’s time, I’m walking babe) Don’t care now who’s to blame I don’t really want to fight no more This is time for letting go

#criminal minds #spencer reid #original character #black woman #songfic #Spotify

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 months

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I used to somewhat frequently get really bad chronic physical anxiety symptoms, like I’d mentally feel not that bad but I’d still feel dizzy and lightheaded and feel like throwing up and a bit numb everywhere and my chest would hurt, and then of course I’d worry that this means I’m dying so then I would start to feel anxious, and that would make it worse. I even went to the emergency room a couple of times when these feelings were accompanied by particularly severe chest pains. They hooked me up to machines and did all kinds of tests and eventually said it’s just that I’ve got so much anxiety happening so chronically that it’s causing physical symptoms to also happen chronically. That or there was some physical cause that they missed with all their EKG tests and breathing tests and blood tests and other things, which would be quite a coincidence, if I had my several different anxiety disorder diagnoses and also a different thing that caused all the same symptoms. I don't know. They did find my blood pressure runs low and tell me to eat more salt, and someone said something about a thyroid being a possibility but never followed it up. Maybe I should follow that up.

But these were weird and extra scary because they weren’t just happening during a panic attack, or while I was freaking out about something and I could make them go away by calming down. They’d come on with seemingly no warning and they wouldn’t go away and I hated it so much. There have been a few years in my life where this has happened regularly, most days, and I’ve generally had to make some major life change to get it to stop.

Outside of those few years, this has been something that happens occasionally, and it freaks me out, but I try to remind myself that I’ve had it before and it’ll pass, and it usually does within a few days. As of now I actually hadn’t had it for quite a while – not in that way where the physical symptoms just come on with no obvious warning or antecedent, that is. And yet it’s been happening all day today. I feel fucking terrible and I’m writing this post because of course I hope it’s just that again, but I can’t really know.

It’s really frustrating, because I’ve just gone three weeks without drinking for the first time in many years. And I’m pleased about that. But I’m always hearing and reading people saying that when they stopped drinking they felt so much better and healthier physically and psychologically, and I’ve had the opposite pretty much from the start, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon my plan to cut back but it does seem unfair. To my justice-obsessed brain, if I have to live without doing that thing I really enjoy, which is drinking whiskey and watching old comedy videos every weekend, I’m supposed to feel better in exchange, not have my anxiety levels ramp up to the point where I’m dizzy and almost throwing up and a bunch of other physical symptoms that I could get from alcohol too, but at least if I got them from drinking then I’d have fun in he process. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced the world was going to spin off its axis and I was dizzy and I couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours. That’s what’s supposed to happen during a drunk/hungover sleep, as a price I pay for having fun drinking. It’s not supposed to happen when I haven’t had a drink in three weeks.

I don't really know why any of this is happening because things are actually going relatively well right now, maybe it's low blood pressure. I'd just like to say, I feel cheated. I know that not drinking is still a good idea and it's what people should do and everything and it's what I'm doing, but I was promised that this would feel better in at least one way and I feel cheated because I'm still waking up in the middle of the night panicking and I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. It would sure be great if these symptoms would slow down before I have to go to work on Monday. This is exactly the sort of thing that I'm afraid of when I worry that I'm not functional enough to keep a fulltime in-person job longterm, that this sort of thing will happen when I'm working. Hasn't really happened since I started working in person last year, but it is now, so that's good. I'm living in a friend's house at, as the British say, mate's rates, but I still do have some rent to pay.

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moccahobi · 1 year

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End of Year Wrap Up | 2022

Thank you for tagging me @taegularities! This was quite a year and I am working hard to reflect and plan for the next so this is the perfect way to really get my mind revving about it! I am so happy with much of what I’ve done overall this year!

Rules: post the top 5 works you're most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you're excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you've written this year!

Top 5 works (not in order)

Let You Fly | Established Relationship, Angst | PJM, KNJ

Buried Truths | Thriller, Jackson Wang Party | IJB, CYJ

AFBTTYA | Fae AU, Angst, Fluff | KTH

An Upcoming Fic 👀 | Supernatural AU | MYG

Listen and Learn | Fluff, Coworkers AU | KSJ

Top 4 current WIPs

Life On Pause/Detour | Werewolf AU | PJM, KNJ

Childhood Dream | IDK yet | KBB

AFBTTYA | Fae AU, Angst | KTH

An Upcoming Fic | Supernatural AU | MYG

Top 3 biggest improvements

Word count! I’ve expanded my wordcount so much this year. While it may not look it since the amount I posted is still much less from 2020 (2020: 88327; 2021: 35032; 2022: 44276), I have written a ton (72899)! And it feels good!

Following my heart and my creativity for my writing! 2021 was a year full of struggle and less-than-happy writing and I have been improving in this. From thrillers to more MXM, my repertoire has expanded and I continue to improve!

As a reader. Though this doesn’t feel directly related. Starting in 2021 and growing exponentially in 2022, I’ve become a much more avid reader! I hope that this will translate into fanfic again! As I keep reading, I get more ideas about fics and get more knowledge about different writing styles!

Top 2 resolutions

I want to finish 2 series! AFBTTYA has been written and hopefully by the end of 2023, I will have finished editing it too! I also have some other series partially posted and on the backburners that I wanna get to working on so hopefully 2023 will continue my series work!

I want to keep healing my relationship with my writing.

I’ve been fairly open with my struggling to write. This month, I have written so much more than I have written most of this year... I’ve found myself struggling more with this (some days my anxiety rages and tells me that if I don’t write, I am a failure and somedays I can keep going. It feels much less stable). I think as I keep writing more and more, it will keep testing the healing I’ve done and give me more time to keep growing and improving!

Favorite Line

I am going to cheat and pick a few plant related lines!

“Yoongi’s mind was rushing a mile-a-minute, his anxiety blossoming and taking over everything else.”

- AFBTTYA Chapter 20 (Unposted)

“ Your mind was short circuiting and you felt like all the ivy of safety you’d cultivated to protect you here had just been singed away.”

“His concern was growing on you like ivy, climbing up you and bearing fruit.”

“Uncertainty was lapping at your feet, growing around them like juvenile ivy”

- An Upcoming Fic (In no particular order)

tagging:

@ditttiii, @nabiolive, @beckysworld7, @here4theheartbreak, and Y/n (I.E. if you want to! Do it!)

#tag game #lillia talks

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bondsmagii · 2 years

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Last night my s/o had a fake suicide attempt. He said he had taken too many sleeping pills and was having an overdose, I panicked and begged him to go to a hospital, to seek help of something, but he just kept refusing and instead just texted me weird messages and called me while weeping and mumbling (my mom is very sick and I traveled to take care of her, so my s/o and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few weeks). Since I wasn't there, I couldn't see him, all I had were those texts and calls and the information that he was apparently in the streets at 3 am...I have chronic anxiety, so I guess you can imagine the mental toll a situation like that had on me, my s/o was having an overdose and I couldn't help him or call an ambulance because he wasn't even home...turns out it was all a fucking lie, which I found out the next morning when he said he was completely okay and refused to go to a hospital...I found really weird that he was just ok after an overdose without going to a hospital or something, so I started asking him more detailed questions about the overdose, he contradicted himself so much that he ended up admitting he didn't actually overdosed, he just wanted to see my reaction and if I truly cared about him.

I feel betrayed. That was the worse night in my life, my mom is dying and I thought my partner was as well but couldn't do anything to save neither of them. My s/o does tend to try to catch me cheating by se telling his friends to hit on me, creating fake profiles that hit on me as well, talking me about really attractive friends of him and stuff like that (which was really hurtful, I would never cheat on him and felt like he didn't trust me at all), but faking an overdose drew the line...what should I do? My best friend says I should dump him, but he says if I ever left him he wouldn't have a reason to live...I don't want him to kill himself, but these "tests" are driving me crazy, which is the last thing I need when my mom doesn't have much time in this world. I'm genuinely confused, should I be more patient and comprehensive with him?

I'm going to be very blunt with you here, anon. I don't know if maybe you already know it deep down, or if you need somebody to tell you this, but regardless: you are being abused. your partner is abusive. this is abuse. this is psychological and emotional abuse, to an extreme degree, and you need to get out of there as soon as you can.

you have been betrayed. your partner took your love for him, and used it to take advantage of you. I imagine you've been caring a lot for your mother recently, and likely this was his attempt to get your attention back on him. even if this was a one-off, that would be so inappropriate and also emotional abuse -- but the fact he's constantly fucking around with you, trying to set you up, trying to make you look bad, refusing to put in the same trust as you do... this is atrocious behaviour. to top it all off, he pulls the oldest trick in the Abusive Partner book: "if you leave me, I'll kill myself!"

number one: even if somebody does kill themselves after a break-up, it is never down to only that. unfortunately it may be the last straw for some people, but it is never the only one. number two: even if he was 100% certain to kill himself if you dumped him, who cares. you do not have to be abused to keep his sorry ass alive. it's a terrible shame that he's suffering so badly that he's suicidal, but this gives him precisely zero excuse to torment and abuse another person. you do not have to take any responsibility for his life, and you should never stay in an abusive relationship just to keep your abuser alive. there is no stain on your conscience for leaving an abuser. none.

finally, this aside: it's highly unlikely he will. I have had several abusers tell me they'll kill themselves if I leave them, and would you know, they're all still kicking. it's highly unlikely that he will go through with it, though brace yourself for more fake attempts, or even a low-key real attempt like minor cuts or overdose. I doubt he'll even get that far, though. he's an attention seeker, and if you refuse to give him attention, he will move on. break up with him, cut contact, block him on everything, and refuse to engage. he'll flip out for a few weeks and then get bored. keep a record of everything he says to you, any texts or messages he might get through to you, and try to keep trusted witnesses around you. it probably won't come to it, but in case you need to contact outside help, this kind of evidence is crucial when it comes to abuse that leaves no physical proof.

your best friend is right. dump his ass now. spend time with the people who care about you. enjoy your remaining time with your mother. stay close to your best friend, who has your back. you don't owe him patience, and even if you decided to give it, he won't listen. he is not interested in a happy relationship with you. you are not a person to him; he just wants to use you to stroke his own ego. you deserve so much fucking better, so leave his ass.

#anon #asks

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kinzis-writing · 1 year

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Life Changes: B.B & J.S {TGM} pt.1

Part One: Rolling up the welcome Mat

Summary: Two lovers thought their love would forever burn bright, however, things change and people change. What happens to be a big change for people can lead them to the best version of themselves. Life Changes and people have to move on. AU

Summary didn’t make any sense, but part one is basically the introduction to the short series. I also love Kelsea Ballerini’s ep so the first part will be based off those songs.

Pairing: Bradley ‘rooster’ Bradshaw x ex-wife! reader, Jake ‘hangman’ Seresin x Reader.

*UPDATE: this has been in my drafts for almost five months so enjoy, I suppose! also timelines are off.*

Warning(s): mentions of divorce, mentions of alcohol, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of miscarriage, co-parenting, young marriage, anxiety, a few cuss words, maybe slight cheating if you squint (I do NOT condone btw).

I went from using her song titles to quotes from her songs as the “title” also I skipped “blindsided” even though it’s my favorite, because this was too long! 🫣

*GIF not mine, all credits to owner/maker*

Young love is a controversial subject. Some people say that it lasts, and most people will tell you that it will end. When you’re 19 and in a relationship with someone six years older than you, you tend to be a bit naive. Thinking that everything would go your way and the relationship would last a long time. When Y/N and Bradley eloped right after finding out his adoptive father pulled his navy papers, Bradley wanted to move on with his life, try for naval academy again, and follow in his father’s footsteps. If Bradley and Y/N had been 100% sober and if Bradley wasn’t angry and thinking irrationally due to his emotions, the two would have never gotten married as fast as they did. They had just started dating a few months prior. To say they were both shocked when they sobered up and actually realized what they did, would be an understatement.

Y/N and Bradley only wanted to get married once, so they agreed to make it work, even on days they felt like giving up. Truth be told, they didn’t know each other as well as they thought they did. Marriage had showed both of them sides that they didn’t even know existed when they started dating. That was a given knowing that they had not dated for long.

In the end, no matter what they faced the two pulled through. They wanted too, they wanted to beat all the odds that were against them. They had gone through three years of marriage. That was when their lives changed in a big way. Y/N had found out that she was expecting their first baby. It was a shock and surprise to both of them. They had been using protection as they were both unsure if they wanted kids at this time. In the long run, both of them weren’t sure if they wanted kids with each other. Were they even as in love as they could be? Probably not. They both doubted the relationship from time-to-time and sometimes wondered if it was worth it. They just never communicated their concerns.

During Y/N’s pregnancy, Bradley was there for her for everything. Her cravings, he bought them. Swelling? He rubbed her feet and stomach. Back aches? he ran a warm bath. He promised himself and her that he would be there for every moment of the pregnancy. He knew that he would hate himself if he wasn’t there for his child. A few weeks after confirming their pregnancy, they got a gender blood test and found out that their child was a girl. It was an emotional time to for the parents to be when finding out the gender.

After the birth of Baby Bradshaw was when the strain on the marriage happened. The two had been told by mutual friends that Babies make marriages hard and the first year after having a baby was the hardest. After Oaklee turned a year old, the couple was expecting their marriage and relationship to get easier. The opposite ended up happening, the two never knew why they were drifting apart. They were in what most people would call the “roommate” phase in their marriage.

When Oaklee Bradshaw was almost two, the couple had started fighting verbally. It was new to both of them, seeing as they usually ignored their problems until they went away. Bradley had established himself and was working towards being a reliable naval aviator and Y/N was home with the baby. After months of fighting, the couple finally decided to try couples therapy, which consisted of meetings together and separate. The two were really trying to make their relationship work for their daughter. It just didn’t look like it would work out that way.

1. “Mountain With A View”

Bradley was stationed overseas, somewhere close to the Netherlands, Y/N only knew that because his location always showed that he was in or near Amsterdam. She wasn’t sure what her husband was doing while he was over there, part of her didn’t even know if she cared. She was currently in California, which is where her and Bradley had lived since Top Gun. Oaklee just happened to be with Y/N’s mom, she had flown in to see her granddaughter for a few days.

It was currently seven in the morning and the girl was sat in a cafe that overlooked Big Sur. It was a popular place in California, and she had drove seven hours to the place that offered her some comfort. Y/N knew that she should be missing her husband, but why would she? All they ever did was fight recently, and she ended up sleeping on the couch instead of working on their problems and sharing a bed. On the rare occasion that the couple shared a bed, they were nowhere near each other. Bradley hadn’t even called to properly talk to her, they sent videos back and forth. Bradley’s were all for Oaklee and the ones she sent were of their daughter. A simple ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’ text was all that she got while being his wife. Something that had changed over the years.

“Excuse me,” the girl waitress stopped by Y/N’s table. “The guy over there wanted to know if he could pay for your next order, if you had one?” she asked kindly.

Y/N followed her hand in the direction that the waitress had pointed. A broad, muscular, blonde was sat there with a friend. He was completely minding his own business like he didn’t just offer to buy your items. “If he’s sure, I’ll just take a regular coffee.” she said softly. The waitress then walked off to get the coffee in a to-go cup.

Once the coffee was dropped off, Y/N thanked the waitress and got her items before heading out of the cafe. On her way out she purposely walked passed the man’s table. “Hey, I just wanted to thank you-” she started as she waited for him to introduce himself.

“Jake. Jake Seresin.” He introduced with a smirk growing on his face.

“Thank you, Jake.” She mumbled softly trying to hide the blush coating her face. “You made my terrible day okay.” she added before bidding goodbye and leaving the cafe. She knew that she would probably never see that man again. So there wasn’t anything wrong with approaching a stranger.

“Y/N, tell me. What has you feeling the way that you described? Is it because Bradley is overseas?” The marriage therapist asked as she had the couples file in her lap. Y/N had stopped in for a walk-in session on her way back to San Diego. She had driven seven hours from home and didn’t remember driving that far.

“As bad as it is... Bradley being gone is the biggest relief.” Y/N admitted as she felt her tears fill up her eyes. It was a different feeling, thinking about how their relationship was. When saying these things out loud it stung much more than she thought it would. “I drove seven hours to Big Sur this morning. I don’t remember any of it and my trigger had to be knowing that Bradley left his wedding band at home.” the girl chewed on her lip as she thought about her husbands wedding band.

“He isn’t allowed to wear it on some conditions, correct?” The therapist asked as Y/N shook her head to answer. “What if he kept it at home so he wouldn’t lose it.”

This is what Y/N hated about therapy, she felt as if the woman across from her felt she was dramatic. “No, he always kept it in his uniform pocket.” Y/N stated as she crossed her arms to make herself feel less exposed. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch most nights.” she finally confessed. “We are way past the roommate phase and heading towards the enemies faze.”

“I’m sure that isn’t true.” Dr. Lionels spoke.

“I’m done fighting for our marriage. I am not living another year of us just being “fine” when I should get to be happy.” with that, the younger girl got up and headed to her car. She wasn’t going to sit in a space where she felt as if she was judged for her feelings. ”This is when I set myself free.” she mumbled before slowly taking her wedding ring off.

Her finger felt naked without the band sitting on her left ring finger. At the same time she felt a wave of sadness, anger, and disappointment. The tears were something that should have happened ages ago. Until willingly giving up on her marriage, she felt numb.

*six months later*

“We promised to make this work!” Bradley yelled causing Y/N to flinch. Oaklee was asleep in her bedroom, and she was hoping that her angry husband wouldn’t wake up their daughter. “We swore to each other no matter what, that we would get through it. We both agreed to being the only marriage!” he was pissed. Y/N could feel the body heat and anger radiating off of him even though she was seated at their island. Her ring laying on the counter where she tried to give it back to Bradley.

“All we do is fight!” Y/N sighed, not having any argument left in her at the moment. “This isn’t love, Bradley. You know it, I know it, and I want Oaklee to know that marriage should be about love.” She sighed as she put her head in her hands.

“This has to do with that number texting you doesn’t it?” Bradley asked making the girl groan as she threw her phone at Bradley.

“I am not and I have never cheated on you.” she mumbled as she watched her legal husband go through her phone. “I’m tired, Bradley. I want us to find ourselves again.”

Bradley threw the phone back on the counter before running a hand through his hair. “You’re just like your freaking parents.” Bradley yelled again causing his wife to wince. “You’re giving up because it’s easy. It’s easier than working this out.”

“It’s easy?” Y/N yelled standing up from her seat. “How is being divorced at 25 easy? You’re 31 Bradley, you have time to find another girl that you love and settle down. I want us both to be happy and I know we aren’t. I sleep on the couch when you’re home. How is that healthy?” she shouted before running a hand down her face.

“Why are you not willing to work on us? When did you realize you were done... how long have you been lying to me?” He asked. He was still mad, but he had quieted down.

“There were multiple times. The big deal breaker?” Y/N started as tears welled up in her eyes. “The weekend you were coming home but decided to go to some beer show or fest with your navy friends.”

“I’ve apologized for that.” Bradley whispered. Y/n knew that he was getting emotional thinking about why you needed him so bad.

“I lost a BABY, Bradley!” She shouted one last time before the tears started rolling. “I lost our baby, and I needed you.”

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret not coming home that weekend.”

“It’s too late. We don’t get a happy ending.”

2. Just Married

*1 year earlier*

“Hey, it’s me again, I’m sorry to keep calling. You said that you’d be coming home for a week. I was just wondering if plans changed. Oaklee hasn’t been sleeping well and I was hoping you’d be home soon to help. Just… call me back when you can.” Y/N sighed as she hung up her phone again. Just in time for Oaklee to start crying again.

The baby Bradshaw was teething and it was taking a toll on Y/N. Her mother had flown back home and it had been a week or two since she had last saw the therapist. Y/N had made friends with the guy that had paid for her coffee. She had ran into him a day later and found out that he was stationed due to him being in the navy.

“Baby, please calm down for momma.” The girl cooed as she rocked her teething baby back and forth. She had already fed the baby and changed her diaper and clothes.

After another 30 minutes, y/n had finally gotten the baby to settle down and laid her in her crib. She was hoping for a moment of silence, instead her phone started blaring from the kitchen. She groaned as she made her way towards the kitchen. Part of her hoped it was Bradley saying he was in the states now. Much to her dismay, it was not.

“Hey,” she answered the blonde pilot that had called her. She knew that people would blow the friendship out of proportion if they knew she was friends with him.

“Hey, me and a few friends are going out tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to come?” He asked. The loud obnoxious voices in the background made the girl roll her eyes as she leaned against the counter. “As friends, of course.”

“I can’t.” She mumbled before placing him on speaker. “I’m married for one, and second, I have a baby and she’s been sick lately. She’s teething and I forgot to pick up baby orajel.”

“Text me your address and I’ll pick you up some.” Jake said before ending the call.

Y/N didn’t know what to do. She knew Oaklee needed the relief, so she texted Jake her address and told her what he needed to pick-up. Part of her felt guilty for being friends with another navy guy. She felt as though she shouldn’t have a guy friend with how her relationship with her husband was becoming.

“Y/N what are you doing.” She whispered to herself. As she sat thinking about her marriage. She wasn’t even doing anything wrong. She never flirted with Jake, she never did anything that would classify as cheating to her and Bradley. Why was she feelings guilty? Maybe because he had been doing more for her than her husband. But it wasn’t Bradley’s fault, right? He had a job. One that required a lot of energy and late nights and early mornings.

The doorbell ringing through the house broke the girl out of her thoughts. Seeing Jake standing at the door with a bag from the local drugstore and a bag of takeout food, made Y/N forget all about her inner battle. She had not eaten much today because she was worrying about her husband and daughter.

“I know you said to just bring baby orajel,” Jake started as he walked in the house. The blonde felt that it was normal to just walk in Y/N’s house now. After all, they had been friends for a bit now. “I figured that you haven’t had anything to eat today, so I brought your favorite.” He added as he liad both bags on the kitchen counter.

“You really didn’t have to do that.” Y/N told him as she gave him a small smile.

“I know.” He shrugged. His gaze staying on the woman in front of him as she got the baby teething supplies out of the plastic bag. “Have you heard from your dick of a husband?” he asked in an annoyed tone.

Y/N gave her friend a look, but shook her head, nonetheless. “Don’t say that. He’s just busy. It isn’t easy being stationed multiple countries away from your kid.” She purposely did not even mention herself. She knew that she was not number one in Bradley’s life, but she knew that he loved their daughter. Even if he did want to have his fun and let her do most of the caring. She knew that his job was stressful, and he needed some free time.

“Busy?” Jake asked as Y/N avoided his gaze at his tone. “I have a friend that is stationed over there right now. Yes, they have daily tasks and some days they are not available to check in, but I know good and well that he should at least call to check on his wife and daughter.” There was no masking his anger when he spoke. He knew that the girl in front of him deserved better, someone who was willing to try and make her happy.

“I am not talking about my husband right now.” The woman stated before walking away with the medicine. Oaklee had just started fussing and she was silently thanking her daughter for interrupting their conversation.

After putting the baby medicine on Oaklee’s gums, Y/N fixed her some food and a trainer cup, while her and jake ate. The dinner was mostly in silence besides the few noises that the child was making. Once dinner was done, Y/N had led them to the living room where she placed Oaklee in her play area to let her play with her toys before bed.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Jake spoke softly as he sat down beside the tired mother. “Your marriage is none of my business. I just, I want you to be happy y/n/n, you deserve to be happy.”

Y/N blinked away the tears that she felt and bit her lip to keep her lip from trembling. “I can’t carry the weight of our relationship.” She admitted as she finally looked at Jake. His eyes softened at her confession. “I feel guilty for spending time with you, but I haven’t done anything wrong. We’ve been going to couples therapy for a while. It doesn’t seem to be working and it only makes me realize how messed up my marriage is.” She mumbled before turning her gaze to her daughter who was talking her baby language to one of her toys.

“Will you promise me something?” Jake asked softly causing the girls head to turn towards him again. “Promise me that you will leave before you let, whatever you call your relationship, ruin the kind of person you are. Don’t let it ruin your aspect of marriage and love.”

“Did I ever tell you that my Husband and I got married drunk? If we were sober, I would probably be single.” Y/N mumbled trying to get the man in front of her off the topic.

“Y/N, promise me.”

“I promise.”

It had been a few days since Y/N needed Jake to bring Oaklee some medicine, she had finally heard from Bradley. It turned out that he was not getting a break anytime soon.

“So is there no way that I will be seeing you? I’m sure Oaklee would love to see her daddy.” Y/N spoke through her phone as she placed Oaklee down in her bed and gave her the cup she uses. She grabbed the baby monitor on her way out of her daughter’s room.

“I told you that there was not a way for me to get to come see you. I know you hate traveling.” Bradley spoke on the other end.

“I hate flying.” You corrected. “I could probably get passed it if there was a way for me to see you.”

“I would rather not put you through that.” The Bradshaw boy replied. Y/N could hear the chaos behind her husband, no matter how much he tried to mask it. “Listen, I have to go, Nat-I mean Phoenix is waiting for me, for us.” With that the call ended.

‘Nat, huh?’ Y/N thought as she scrolled through her phone and called a number that she hoped she would never call.

“Langston family law firm, how can I assist you?” A woman’s voice came through the phone.

“Hello, this is Y/N L/N and I need to speak with a divorce lawyer.”

3. “It hurts, putting shit in a box and now we don’t talk. and it stings rolling up the welcome mat, knowing you got half.”

If Y/N would have told her younger self that she would be getting divorced at the age of 24, almost 25, she would have laughed at you. After many arguments about trying to fix the marriage, Jake, and Phoenix, Bradley had bitterly accepted the fact that there was nothing left to do. Turns out that Jake and Bradley actually knew each other. By the time Y/N was getting divorced, she had learned that Jake’s callsign was “Hangman” and apparently Phoenix was not a big fan of him. Jake knew a lot of the girl that Bradley was spending time with.

“When’s hangman coming to help you move out?” Bradley asked. There was a snarky tone in his voice that made the younger girl roll her eyes. Y/N knew ignoring him would be the best option when it came down to it. “I always knew there was something going on between you two. After everything we went through, I just don’t see how you could do that.”

“Do what?” Y/N finally raised her voice in frustration. “I didn’t do anything! He was a friend and that is it. He is still a friend. Don’t even get me started on you and Natasha!” She yelled. Bradley paled at the fact that she knew Phoenix’s real name. He had never mentioned it, and he was hoping that he had hidden her information pretty well. “Exactly.” she whispered.

“She’s a friend.” Bradley stated softly. He was starting to feel guilty about it. He knew that there was more than just friendship between him and the other pilot. He just hated to admit it to his soon to be ex-wife.

“I don’t believe that.” Y/N told her before grabbing the tape and taping down the flaps on the box. “I can promise you that I never did anything with Jake while you were away. He was a friend and that was it.”

Bradley inhaled deeply as he watched the woman he used to know as his wife pick up a box and start heading out of the room. “What about now?” He asked. He was curious if you had any sort of relationship or feelings for the aviator that many people could not stand. Sure, Jake could be cocky and arrogant. But no one had ever seen him the way that Y/N had.

Y/N shrugged as she turned around with the box to look at her ex-husband. “It is none of your business what I do. I could go have his baby and it would not be anything to you.” she told Bradley before turning and leaving the room.

That was the last conversation that Y/N had with Bradley until they each filed for divorce with their lawyers.

*A few months later*

“Why the hell would he file that? I thought we agreed to the first document that was written up.” Y/N yelled as she stood in front of her lawyer and Jake. Her daughter was with her mother, since the woman had flown in to make sure that her daughter was focusing on what she was going through.

“Well, Ms. Y/L/N. Since the divorce isn’t finalized he has a right to fight for whatever else he was wanting. You also have a right to deny it and take it to court.” The lawyer explained as the young woman looked over at her best friend.

“He wants 50/50 custody, the house, both vehicles, and most of our savings. What is that leaving me with?” Y/N asked softly as tears gathered in her eyes. Out of everyone in the world, she never figured Bradley would turn out like this. “I willingly gave him our house and I never fought him over the bronco. But our savings wasn’t only his military money! Some of that was from my job as well.”

Jake looked at the girl he’s loved for almost a year now, of course she didn’t know. “Is there anything she can do?”

The lawyer looked over the documents from Bradley’s lawyer and what he had written up. “50/50 is almost guaranteed unless his schedule doesn’t correspond. Unless you have some kind of proof and can fight him on it. As for your vehicle and savings. If he bought the vehicle, and you have a job. He will most likely get that. Yours savings on the other hand, is it an automatic withdraw from your check?”

“Yeah.” Y/N nodded as a tear fell down. She quickly wiped it and avoided gaze with the two men across her.

“With proof, you can keep the amount that you have contributed. If you can get me a copy of that, I will send evidence to his lawyer, and we’ll try to keep it out of court.” Y/N’s lawyer spoke as the girl nodded to what he had said.

After the meeting, Jake led the lawyer out of Y/N’s small apartment. While the young woman stood there in her kitchen thinking about how a small drunk mistake turned into a big mess.

“You okay?” Jake asked her softly as he walked over and stood beside her.

“As okay as one can be.” She mumbled as she let out a sigh. “How can someone do that to their child’s mother?” her hand came up and push her hair out of her face. “I put my career on hold so I could work as well, and he wants to act like he is the only one that made money.”

Jake was not sure what to say. He know what he wanted to say, but he also knew that it may be a bit insensitive to talk about her ex-husband like that. “He’s an idiot.” Jake started causing her to snort in agreement. “You and Oaklee deserve better. You girls deserve someone who will take care of you, drama free. You shouldn’t even have to be going through this when you put more effort into therapy than he did.”

“That what freaking sucks. He’s getting half of everything and he was not the only one paying bills or paying payments on the stuff we owned.”

4. “There’s a thin line between love and hate, it was love but it wasn’t fate.”

“Are you okay?” Y/N mother asked her as the older woman observed her daughter who was getting ready to go sign their official divorce papers. She was taking their daughter with her today, because Bradley wanted to take her out for a few hours after they signed the papers.

Y/N nodded and gave her mom a sad smile, “I am so sorry that I am a big disappointment.” She whispered as tears came to her eyes. “I really wanted to make this marriage work. I wanted to listen to what you and dad always taught me, since you two never worked out. I never wanted my daughter to be in a split home.”

Y/M/N gave you a tearful smile, “honey, it takes two to make a marriage work and I know that you gave it your all. That was why I was willing to come help with Oaklee so much. I understand exactly what you went through. That’s why I always told you to stay away from Military men.”

Y/N let out a small laugh. “What about me? I thought we were on good terms!” Jake made himself known in the room with faux hurt. Y/N wiped the tears that fell and gave her mom a small smile.

Y/N knew her mother loved Jake. Her mother never was a fan of Bradley, saying that he was too old for her daughter. “You are the only exception for my daughter.” Y/N’s mother spoke as she gave the Naval Aviator a pat on the back. “Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go pick up some dinner for whenever our girl gets back, I assume you’re staying for dinner?” Her mother asked Jake as she waited by the door to hear his answer,

“If you women are okay with that.” Jake replied, his gaze focused on Y/N.

Y/N nodded and gave him a small smile, “Of course.” she whispered. Y/N’s mother left with a smirk on her face, one that neither of the two noticed. They were too caught up in each other and the older woman knew that. “I, uh, I have to go in about thirty minutes. You are more than welcome to stay here if you want. It shouldn’t take me long to sign the papers.”

“Is Oaklee still going with Bradshaw?” Jake asked as he glanced over at the two-year-old who was playing with her toys in the corner of the room. Y/N nodded not being able to say anything. Her daughter has been in her life for two years and never has she spent the night away from her mother before. “As much as I dislike him, I think he’ll take care of her. He doesn’t want the charges against him if something were to happen to her.” Jake said softly.

“Jake,” Y/N started before biting her tongue. She knew that she was starting to develop feelings for the man in front of her. It was just how it was destined to turn out. He had been there for her, even when Bradley wasn’t. “Thank you, for everything.”

Jake shrugged before running a hand through his short hair, “I love her like she’s my own.” He shrugged. “I have always loved kids and I always wanted kids, even if we aren’t together.” he mumbled.

Y/N started to say something before a scream erupted through the room and tears followed. “Spidey!” Oaklee started yelling as she backed away. Jake quickly went over there and picked the little girl up before squishing the spider that was crawling up the wall. Y/N made a mental note to clean it up later, since it was getting time for her to leave. “thank you daddy.” Oaklee squeaked.

Y/N’s eyes widen in shock at what her daughter had just called her best friend. The woman knew why, she was around Jake more than her own father. “Jake, I am so sorry.” She quickly said as she tried to take Oaklee from Jake.

“Don’t apologize, she’s fine.” He assured as he handed Y/N her daughter. “She’s two, honey, she’s fine.” he promised.

Y/N gave him a thankful smile before the trio said their goodbyes and the two girls made their way to the car. In the end, Y/N ended up with 50/50 custody, except Bradley agreed for exceptions, her car, as long as Bradley’s name was taken off of it, and the amount she had donated to their savings account. Of course, she would get no interest earnings, but she was just happy to be able to get what she had put in there from her checks.

It was about a twenty-five-minute drive to the office where the couple were signing the papers. Both of their lawyers had to be present, and they agreed that they were no longer allowed to make changes. The whole drive to the office had Y/N thinking. The fact that her daughter Oaklee Bradshaw was calling Jake Seresin dad, was a sign that she never got to see Bradley. Why else would she call him that? There would be no better explanation than her own father not spending time with her like he should.

“Let’s get this over with.” Y/N mumbled to herself as she got Oaklee out of the car seat and walked into the office. The two-year-old was resting on the younger woman’s hip as she walked into the office where her ex-husband and the lawyers were.

“Mr. Bradshaw, Ms. Y/L/N. This is the document you both finally agreed too.” Your lawyer spoke as he laid them down in front of couple. “Read over them and if you agree sign them and we will go make copies.” Bradley’s lawyer spoke this time. The couple read over the document and after about five minutes, they both signed the bottoms of each others pages and handed them back to the officials. “We’ll be right back.”

After the lawyers left, Bradley turned to Y/N and gave her a look. “You’ve lost weight.” He mumbled as his eyes scanned the girls body.

“Try staying worried, stressed, and heartbroken for a few months and it will do it to you.” Y/N muttered as she sat Oaklee down to let her walk for a minute. She knew her daughter couldn’t sit still for a long period of time.

“Oaklee, will you come see daddy?” Bradley asked as he opened up his arms for his daughter to come to him.

“Where’s daddy at?” The two-year-old asked Bradley as she looked around the office. Y/N bit her lip to keep from laughing knowing that the girl was probably looking for Jake.

“Daddy’s right here, baby girl.” Bradley urged as Oaklee slowly walked towards him.

“Where’s my other daddy?” Oaklee asked as she turned back towards her mother. Bradley gave Y/N a look as the younger woman just shrugged and avoided his gaze.

Y/N could tell that Bradley was angry by his facial expression. It was the same look he had when she told him that she was considering getting a divorce. “What? are you teaching my kid to call hangman dad now?”

Y/N rolled her eyes and let out a small scoff, “I am not teaching her anything, Bradley, she sees Jake more than you, that is your fault.”

Bradley let out a sarcastic laugh, “It’s my fault? Yeah, it is my fault that I am stationed overseas and helping fight for your freedom. Your little boyfriend is stationed in California, so try again.”

Y/N shook her head in disbelief, “Look me in the eye and tell me that you never had even a second of free time to check on your daughter, to facetime her, or even to come home to her on a weekend.” Y/N snapped staring at her ex-husband dead in the eye. Bradley didn’t say anything as he looked down. He knew that there were a few chances he could have called, facetimed, or even came home. He just didn’t want to admit it out loud. “One last thing,” she whispered. “Look at me and tell me that Oaklee would not see Natasha as a mother figure if you have main custody.” When Bradley didn’t say anything, Y/N knew exactly what she needed to know. “Exactly.”

Once the lawyers came back in, they finished up their business and started packing everything up. Y/N took Oaklee out to Bradley’s Bronco and got ready to put her in the car seat. “You should be getting a paper in the mail, about the car being out of your name. It is strictly on my credit and my name.” She assured as she buckled Oaklee and gave her a kiss on the head. “Mommy will see you later, okay?”

The little girl nodded but she had tears forming. “But mommy, I want you tonight.”

“I know baby, I’ll talk to daddy and see if mommy can see you later.” Y/N promised as she kissed her head one more time and shut her door. “Drive safe with her, and please don’t drink around her. She’s so young and I don’t want her around it just yet.”

Bradley gave a nod and stopped in his tracks, “Y/N,” Bradley called making the younger girl turn around. “I’m sorry.” He spoke up. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I thought that it would be the best way to get back at you after you told me you were done. I never should have brought Oaklee into it. If I could take it back, I would be a better husband and father to you two.” Bradley apologized making Y/N give a small nod back.

“Can you be honest with me about one thing?” Y/N asked causing the older man to nod. He knew that he owed you a few answers. “The Natasha thing?”

Bradley sighed as he pinched his nose. He hated himself for what he did with Natasha before he was even getting divorced. “I have feelings for her,” he admitted. “We also slept together, after you told me that you wanted a divorce, but before we were separated.” Y/N nodded, finally feeling like she was getting the closure she needed. “What about Jake?“

Y/N knew that Bradley thought there was more to the story than friends. There wasn’t though, she wanted to stay loyal in case there was a chance of fixing their marriage. She now understood that it would never work without love, and they just weren’t in love. “Just friends.” She spoke causing a saddened look to appear on Bradley’s face. “I didn’t want to ruin the chances of fixing my marriage, but I realized now that it would never work without being in love with each other and we just weren’t.”

“Do you have feelings for him?” Bradley asked.

Y/N shrugged, not knowing how to put it. “He feels like home.” She mumbled not sure how she felt about admitting it. “It isn’t going anywhere.”

Bradley gave the woman a knowing look, “you told your best friend that about us when we started out as friends.” Y/N bit her lip thinking about her being a young teenager. “Listen, I’ll bring Oaklee home if she doesn’t want to spend the night with me. I’m not going to make her cry, because I know it’s going to take some time for her to adjust.”

“Thank you.”

5. “I hope I learn to love myself like I loved you then.”

It had been about two months since the divorce papers are signed. Oaklee was slowly getting used to seeing Bradley, as of right now the schedule was only on the weekends and whenever he wanted to drop by. Y/N had got accepted and enrolled to cosmetology school so she could have a career in doing hair, makeup, and everything else. It wasn’t teaching like she originally wanted, but it was something she liked doing. It was a Friday night and Y/N had just dropped Oaklee off to Bradley at their meeting spot.

Jake had cooked dinner for the two of them since Y/N never felt like cooking on the days she dropped her daughter off. It was a simple Italian dinner, something that he could throw together since he had work until later.

“Thank you for the food.” Y/N said as the two settled down on the couch beside each other. They both had a wine class in their hand. The crimson liquid swirling around as they got situated.

“Anytime.” Jake stated as he took a drink from his wine glass.

“Do you think it gets easier?” Y/N asked as he gaze was focused on Oaklee’s little play corner in the small apartment. “I know I’ll see her Sunday night, it just, I miss her a lot.”

“I’m not sure about what to tell you, because I know that you’re an amazing mom, so I know it will be hard on you either way.” Jake spoke softly.

Y/N gave him a small smile, “Did I ever tell you about the moment I knew I was over Bradley?” She asked as she got to thinking about her second child she would have had. “I was tired, of the makeup for time sex, never hearing from him, I found out that I was pregnant with our second baby, about a month after he left. He acted so excited, and he said he was coming home a few weeks later. The Friday that he was suppose to land in California, I started experiencing light blessing and cramping. It wasn’t bad so I didn’t think anything.” Y/N spoke.

Jake already knew where her story was going. “He didn’t come home did he?” Y/N shook her head in response.

“He went out to a bar instead of hopping on the flight to come home. On Saturday I was in severe pain and I was bleeding so heavy. I went to the hospital and the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. They ruled it a miscarriage and sent me home with some pills to ensure I passed it.” Y/N finished the story of her second baby. “Once I found out that he could’ve came home, I couldn’t bring myself to want to fight for us anymore.”

“How long was this before you met me?” Jake asked as he laid his wine glass down.

“A few months.” Y/N shrugged as she followed his earlier actions and sat her wine glass on the table next to his. “You’ve honestly made everything easier. You’ve been there when he wasn’t, and I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Jake’s shoulder fell into a shrug, “I’ll always be there for you, how many times have I told you?”

It was y/n’s turn to shrug as she thought back to when the two first met. The little cafe was where they actually met, but the first time they actually saw each other was after that and how he was flirty and then she told him that she was married and he let her know that he wasn’t a relationship guy.

“You’re special to me, Jake. I know you aren’t a relationship type of guy, but if you ever change your mind, let me know.” she spoke softly.

Jake sucked in a breath. When he met Y/N he knew that she was on his list, until he actually got to know her. He quickly fell in love with the woman she is and now he knew that she had feelings for him. “For you, I am already so ready to be a relationship guy.”

The night ended with her and Jake becoming more than friends and crossing their lines over to lovers.

Hi! I am not a big fan of the last few songs in this, but here is part one. i wanted to show a small snippet of how her and jake met and where she stood with Bradley. I am aware that timelines do not match up, but it is a fanfic for a reason. I believe this will not be bigger than three parts, but it just depends if I need to add a filler chapter.

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ninjasmart · 1 year

Text

Downloads

God evening, I tend to get downloads with information, normally about other people rarely about me. Several years ago I got a download not about me and three months later it all happened. A few months ago I got another download it sort of was a continuation of the first one but this time I was part of it. I can feel with my entire heart, soul and body that this is meant to happen but it is so far fetched and I have realised that this is what I want it more than anything in the world. (p1.)

(p.2) The thing is this is completely out of my control and I am a control freak so this making me really anxious and stressed. At the same time just thinking about it making me so happy so I can burst into tears and laughter. I know it is all in God’s and the Universe hands and all I can do is to trust that if the download is meant to be it’s going to happen but I am really struggling with that.

(p.3) At the same time I’m little bit worried that this download is not about me because as a said normally I do not have downloads about my self. What if I have tapped into some else energy without even know it, I tend to do that sometimes not intentionally only by accident.I am not sure how to handle this, do you have any experience about these things and how to handle it? Any input would be helpful, thank you.

(p.4) I can also add that I have seen positive shifts in my own life since I got the last download. I've gone from being stuck to planning for my future and other positive things. I also feeling like I'm being tested if I'm serious about this or if I would change my mind for something easier. But then 2 weeks ago my anxiety kicked in and it's twisting my mind and I've starting to questioning my vision, if it is my life or someone else's. Sorry if it doesn't make any sense to you.

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I’ll tell you what I think is happening but in order to do that I’ll need to talk to you about God. God is immaterial. We all have immaterial part in us. But we are having this body experience in this material world.

All of us have hordes of angels who can help us in mysterious ways the moment we ask for help. And, there is us, humans, who are there to help. God uses humans to do his work. Humans who have agreed to do a good work, a God’s work.

Each of us, as a soul, incarnated on Earth, have a certain ..workload of karma to go through. Good karma and bad karma. Then during the lifetime that we have we accumulate new karma - good karma and bad karma, through our actions.

Everything, everything in life - our path, our karma, depends on the choices we make.

And here’s the thing. You can ask for help to make the right choices that lead you to your rightful path in life. But you cannot receive a download of what’s to come. The only way to receive that download is - for a loved one and in the form of really bad news about them - like, when something bad is going to happen.

If you knew in advance what will happen, you will have the time to think about it and prepare for the right choices when the time comes. That’s cheating. God does not do cheating. Your soul doesn’t need that.

==============

Now, let me tell you what I think is happeninig. To be receiving downloads is a blessing. blessing for others and a burden for you. Because you need to deliver those downloads to the people you receive them for. If you keep it to yourself you accumulate karma. Bad karma. Because you were chosen to deliver a message, be the foot soldier of God and you chose not to be. Or took your time to be.

The urban legend that psychics go to psychics is not a legend. The only way to receive forwarnings (but not full knowledge about your future) is to have a connection to your higher self (it is that benevolent energy being that is multidimentional and multipresent and can guide you at any moment you have the wavelength to receive the message). Yet, still - you need to go through the challenge at hand by yourself.

============

What I think might have happened is that you received a download for someone. And you liked it. Because this is what your heart desires too. And you held onto that energy for yourself.

Sometimes, especially when your healing energies are waking up, you might see yourself as the person for whom the download is. Always ask - who is this for. And try to deliver it to that person. Because they might need just that little push from the immaterial world, that little knowledge from the immaterial world, delivered with imperfect words by a human being to have an A-Ha moment that will change their life choices forever.

I’ll give you an example. I am part of a forum where we discuss difficult topics. One day I wanted to share something. I didn’t know whom it will help but I knew that a certain knowledge may shoft someone’s perspective for ever (and as a result their behavior and as a result a karma knot will be untied and space for healing will be opened). Few hours later a lady did write that - yup, this was exactly the advice she needed and whoah - it shook her view of the world to the core.

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lajecauniverse · 1 year

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You said

give me all of it and I will carry it..It’s time for you to rest. I know the plans you have for me to prosper me...and give me a new life. I remember where I was 6 years ago and you brought me out. I’m still embarrassed that I brought over my very rich cousin to stay in the basement where I lived, a place with second hand furniture and lots of cigaret butts and weed; things she's not used to. I remember how she left before I even got up that night...to me, she was disgusted cus back in DR, she had lived her entire childhood in a mansion and her new home is penthouse. To this day, I want to yell at my entire family, that God brought me out and I got a two bedroom apartment in one of the best neighborhoods in NYC, which is a highly achieved goal, and. in a healthy relationship with a very hardworking, humble and sweet man.

In reality, I don't have to yell it out; my ego does. My ego wants me to take revenge on everyone who ever treated me bad...the evil is going against what God is still doing.

I almost died. I became dependent on Xanax for a few years. Had to be maybe 5 years when I couldn’t do anything without it or weed. I was also drinking a lot and occasionally doing E or Cocaine. The family said something about me having to pick one: pills or alcohol, cus I was blacking out every time I was at a party with them...I chose Xanax and stopped drinking sometime around 2018 and became celibate....

My prayer time was consistent and anyone can say, yea but you are high...well, I needed God and God didn’t turn me away when I needed to cry my turmoils and mood swings. I vividly remember my talks with God, my devotion to God in my heart and my desire to find what would make me feel safe....I took Xanax because I was angry and needed to pretend or fake that I was ok in front of everyone...I took Xanax because it would help me forget for a bit, that I was at an unhappy job, I felt horribly about my weight gain due to drinking and eating from anxiety, and I didn’t want to face life alone....in 2016, my companion left...and I had started taking psych meds to not be so angry that I had someone who wouldn't provide and would never work along with me to build a great life but was gonna go once a better opportunity came along...and he did...I kept it honest when I was asked, you cheated? Yes I did cheat...I’ve never been a cheater, but I was high and drunk while working and leaving work at 12am to go party some more with whoever happened to be around. Blacking out and then wondering what I did, the next day.

I didn’t deal with the trauma of betraying someone and them leaving. I cared about the person yet I betrayed them..but it took me until I quit the Xanax January 31st, 2020.

The past few years, all of the things I didnt confront, bombarded me....all the anger I repressed while under the influence of Xanax. To take a personality test and finding out I am extremely disagreeable when for years, I was agreeing and following others’ leads? So now, that I am back, I am telling God to remove all the vengeful feelings inside of me and to give me a spirit of love. Nothing else matters but what God thinks of me...when people know your story, they are quick to judge, but when God who sees it all, can lift you up and call you His, nothing and no one else matters. What they think is their own perception and not the truth. No matter what*

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kittykatinabag · 1 year

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Before I went on this 11 day long trip because I was losing my mind trying to work but not being able to, my ridiculous academic morals or whatever finally broke down and I experimented a bit with chatgpt just to see what was up.

After banishing the guilt that started to leak out of a whole mess of academic trauma from my younger years that I did not want to deal with right at that moment, I have realized that this tool is scary good. You can't write a whole paper on it and have it sound natural without a lot of training and back and forth, but I asked it to do an outline for the topic I was asking about and fuck man, that shit is so good. It's so clear but also easily tweakable, and if this was available to me back in undergrad, I wouldn't have nearly as many issues surrounding academia and studying. It helps with the biggest issues I have while writing papers, organization and the curation of initial research.

I asked the same question regarding what and who to read to my thesis advisor and yeah she rattled off some authors in the field, which I did search up and bookmark any study that seemed semi-relevant, but all that curation work took me quite a few hours- and I didn't even read the papers and books I saved. Once I established a brief foundation of the subjects on chatgpt, it gave me more precise results in less than half an hour including the time I was experimenting with asking questions. While I haven't read those yet either, they seemed very much more pinpointed to the subjects rather than tangentially related things. Of course the real test will be once I read everything and figure out which pieces are most helpful to my paper.

But fuck man. It didn't feel like I was talking in a foreign language while interacting with chatgpt. Maybe that's just some of the social anxiety coming through when I'm talking with my thesis advisor in person, especially when she whiplashes to something she's more interested in but could be helpful to me. And I could take my time collecting my thoughts without feeling pressured to get an answer or a question to ask right away. Once I beat back the guilt about using a tool to help me, it was such a more pleasant experience.

If that's going to be considered "cheating" in academic settings, then academia really has lost its way and just becomes a process to create people who will be cogs in the capitalist machine of society.

#i might be a bit naive in still having a modicum of hope that academia can live up to its mythos #but as i said to my friends after we took a closed book GIS exam: thats not how existing and working outside of the classroom works #im still deprogramming my brain to the concept of asking and accepting help and advice #im not sure if thats the original trauma of my mental health but its a pretty deep one that started very early #maybe before preschool but definitely during preschool and kindergarten #chatgpt

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ghost-pasta · 3 years

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the ultimate enemy,,, is having trauma with super powers.

I’ve got a steaming hot and spicy dp x spn crossover idea here. it's TUE plot adjacent (but Jazz survives because not enough Jazz in spn crossovers. let her be blunt to the Winchester brothers guys common, she'd totally call 'em out at some point come on)

(yeah but listen, makes no sense that Danny didn't end up in aunt Alicia's custody, legally speaking. so at first i was thinking of a TUE au that diverges from that where he does end up with Aunt Alicia. then someone said "Danny in a flannel vibes" (paraphrasing) and my brain went like: "..... flannels,,,,,,,,, spn crossover vibes........") anyway

- details below the cut -

so basically, Jazz still gets hurt and Danny's with her whenever he can get away with it while she's recovering. (they're all each other got now). and Aunt alicia gets them set up at her house. (first Danny temporarily, then once Jazz is released from hospital, they both move in fully)

Vlad:

- moved to the Fentons home to keep an eye on their portal so it doesn't get taken by the government or something. he's left in a house with remnants of a family he wanted to steal and now it's all gone and he's left gradually working through regrettings and griefs. - Danny initially leaves all his NASA memorabilia there because he's not much in the headspace to care about any of it. but Vlad sends his telescope over. the action being appreciated, maybe more than Danny wants to accept, or more so ever admit to Vlad.

Aunt Alicia (Walker):

notices Danny's kinda "weird" in a supernatural way in the time during Jazz's hospitalization and after. (only so many frozen, glowing, or chard bits of wood one goes through before it's really suspicious.) - (and one exploded tree) Alicia: "how'd that happen? couldn't have been lightning, sky's clear" Danny: "idk, cosmic happenstance i guess" Alicia: "..... alright i guess" - Anyway so they end up taking a trip to visit a good friend of hers that she visits thrice a year (it's bobby singer, they're best friends because i said so) and there's no way she's leaving mentally and emotionally unstable teens at her house when she wants to go - (gonna figure out what's up with Danny. most likely ghost related, but she don't know how. wants to talk it over with bobby to see what he thinks. if Danny's just hiding ghostly powers from “ecto-contamination” or something then that's whatever. but if he's being hurt by these abilities, or if it isn't that at all, she'd like to know. but not letting Danny know she's onto him, having an emotionally unstable traumatized depressed teen get flighty is a terrible idea.)

Jazz:

Danny almost lost her too, on top of his best friends being gone. and her overprotective sibling vibes would skyrocket but Danny's also would so what happens is they're really attached at the hip for a few months. eventually graduating to being on either sides of a room without making either of them nervous. (if one leaves a room tho then there's a little more anxiety until they get back. - Jazz gets lost into studying again, even more than before unless danny needs attention from her. what ends up happening is they're leaning on each other or are generally in each others presence while she studies. Jazz implores danny to get a hobby, or maybe get back into stars and things. he's not really up to much tho, doing chores or errands for aunt Alicia keeps him busy whenever she gives him something to do. - (when Danny first started living with Alicia, she figured chopping wood was good enough therapy for now) - - the first night they settle in (they share a room, but they're clingy enough that it works), Jazz tells Danny she knows. about him and the ghost powers. about it all. and wanted to wait for him to come to her,,, but... and Danny clings to her and they both cry a bit. (a lot) - Jazz suspects Alicia might be onto them but since Alicia hasn't done anything then Jazz will wait until Alicia being onto them feels actually risky.

The Killing Event:

- making it a gas leak explosion instead of a nasty sauce explosion is what I'm going with. (to make it hurt more, them being there to celebrate Danny acing a test rather than talk about him possibly cheating is a thing i can and am doing) - Lancer also survives the event this time. he was Jazz's ride there probably. Lancer is very close to how his students are doing academically, he'd want to congratulate Danny too.) He keeps in touch with Danny through aunt Alicia, as do tuckers parents. - (Sam's parents connect with tuckers parents about it more than with Alicia. they don't blame Danny because that would be cruel, he's just a kid. but they're just less connected to him in general. they knew him as Sam's problem friend before.)

And That’s It! (like, for interacting with the Winchester brothers (+an angel) I've just got a vague sense of shenanigans and Danny hating Crowley.) (I think I’ll put other fun ideas I like putting in spn crossovers. like Danny kinda seeing Castiel’s wings past his vessel. and Cas being able to tell Danny’s soul is attached to his body like it’s supposed to be,,,,, but in a super weird way. think “what the soul doin?” but in the voice of (”what the dog doin?”)) (on Danny hating Crowley, in this i feel like all Crowley would have to do is show up and Danny has animosity at first sight. at first vibe presence)

#danny phantom #danny fenton #jazz fenton #aunt alicia #alicia walker #tue #dp xover #supernatural #dp x spn #my thoughts #tue adjacent

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jaskierswolf · 3 years

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Weight on My Shoulders

A very self-indulgent prequel to my not so kinky soulmate AU (Tumblr/AO3).

Any references to events or messages involving my own darling soulmate @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde is purely coincidental. I promise we are much more needy than this.

Ship: Geraskier (pre-romantic)

CW: Far too much pining, mentions of anxiety, long distance friendships

_____

Jaskier pouted as he wrapped himself up in his weighted blanket and duvet. Even with the additional weight he was struggling to sleep properly, but it did help. What would really help was a hug from his soulmate, but that was off the table. Geralt was a bazillion lightyears away, all the way in America, and Jaskier was stuck in miserable, grey England. They’d been talking online for two years, and the distance wasn’t getting any easier. If anything it was getting worse, and Jaskier wasn’t sure how much more he could take of it.

“Jask, you’re falling asleep, love,” Geralt hummed from the too bright screen that was lighting up his room. “Go to bed.”

“I’m in bed,” Jaskier huffed.

“Go to sleep, we can talk more in the morning.”

Jaskier whined, sinking further into his blanket burrito. “But I have work again tomorrow, I don’t want to sleep. I want to talk to you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Geralt sighed, smiling warmly at him through the screen, “But I will be here when you wake, I promise.”

“I’d rather you be here with me.”

It was pathetic. Jaskier knew it was pathetic, but he just felt a warmth in his chest, a ghost of Geralt’s arms around him.

“I’m always here” Geralt hummed in his mind.

Jaskier leaned into Geralt’s mental embrace, letting himself soak in the glow of his soulmate’s warmth. He was struggling to keep his eyes open which didn’t really matter but he only had a few hours each day to video call his soulmate and he hated wasting any of them. It had been worse the last few days. Essi and Pris had announced they were going to honeymoon in New York, and whilst they wouldn’t see Geralt, they would be a whole lot closer than Jaskier had ever been. He’d even considered asking to tag along in their suitcases so he could afford the trip to the States.

He just missed Geralt so fucking much.

“I love you,” he mumbled again, wiping the tears from his eyes that he hadn’t even realised had formed. “I love you more than Dandelion.”

He tried to laugh but it sounded weak to his own ears. Dandelion was a musician, just like he was hoping to be, a beautiful tall elegant man with gorgeous long blond curls, and a laugh that could outshine a thousand suns. He was also Jaskier’s celebrity crush and inspiration. Jaskier had been obsessed since he was sixteen, secretly hoping that Dandelion was his soulmate. Not much had changed since meeting Geralt in his dreams. He was still completely obsessed with the musician, only his daydreams tended to include Geralt as well, a fact that his soulmate thankfully found endearing.

“Wow,” Geralt chuckled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s high praise.”

“It’s true! I would renounce my love of Dandelion for mere seconds in your arms,” Jaskier insisted, “and then I would never let you go and you’d be stuck with me.”

“It would be hard to work with a Jaskier in my arms.”

Jaskier scoffed, rubbing his eyes. “You’ll manage.”

“Sleep, Jask,” Geralt’s words were a low hum, added weight to his blanket and Jaskier could feel himself slipping. He supposed it was only a matter of time really, it was nearly midnight and Jaskier had to get up at an ungodly hour for work. “For me.”

And really that was just unfair. Geralt knew that Jaskier would do anything for him. He was just that desperate for attention, although despite his slightly less dramatic personality, Geralt could be equally needy, if you knew how to read him.

“That’s cheating,” Jaskier whined.

“I never said I play fair.”

“Betrayed by my own soulmate,” Jaskier pouted as Geralt hung up the call and his tiny little bedroom fell into darkness. Without the light of his phone, Jaskier was fighting a losing battle. “I love you, dear heart.”

“I love you too, a lot. Too much.”

Jaskier scoffed, turning to hug his pillow. “Never too much, never enough. Goodnight, my love”

“Night, Jask.”

_______

When he awoke the next morning, Jaskier had a notification on his phone. It wasn’t unusual. Geralt often left him little messages, pictures of Roach, or things that had reminded him of Jaskier throughout the day. Sometimes, if Jaskier was lucky, Geralt would leave him gifs of Dandelion, and on even rarer occasions, awkward selfies that were never flattering despite Geralt’s godlike appearance. Jaskier treasured every single one. But no, that morning he had a more unusual notification.

It was from Lambert.

They’d talked a couple of times, mostly in a group chat whenever Geralt wanted to include Jaskier on family film night or playing games online, which Jaskier was shockingly terrible at, especially the shooting games the boys preferred. Lambert had never DM’d Jaskier before though. There had never been an occasion to, so why bother?

So Jaskier was feeling more than a little anxious about clicking on the message.

“Geralt?” he tested, although he was pretty positive that his soulmate was asleep. Geralt would usually at least say good morning when he was awake, but there had been nothing but silence through their soulbond.

It came as no surprise when Geralt didn’t answer.

His phone buzzed again in his hand, another message from Lambert.

“Bollocks,” Jaskier groaned, sitting up in bed so he could find his glasses. They were buried under his blanket and looking a little bent out of shape but that was nothing new.

L - Guess who’s coming to England on a business trip!

Jaskier’s heart jumped and hope soared through his body, a flutter of wings in his chest as his pulse raced, only to be destroyed in the next second.

L - It’s not Geralt, shit. I should have started with that.

- It’s me.

- I’m coming to England. Found out this morning. All expenses paid. - I’ll be in London for a week, if you want to meet up?

Jaskier stared at his phone. He was excited, of course he was but he couldn’t help the ache in his heart. His friend was coming to England. Geralt’s family was coming to England. That was one step closer to meeting his soulmate in person, but it wasn’t far enough. He felt like shit. Guilt tore through him. Lambert was clearly excited about his news and yet all Jaskier could think of was how he wasn’t Geralt.

Maybe he could give Lambert something to take back to Geralt. They’d sent letters and parcels back and forth but it would be different like this, and he should be excited. He should be over the fucking moon.

And truth be told, if he hadn’t felt so incredibly needy already he probably would have been more excited, but his heart was feeling fragile. Jaskier had spent the last week or so wondering if Geralt loved him back in a romantic way, or whether they would just be the dearest of friends. Whatever it was, Jaskier would be fine. That’s how soulbonds worked. They would be perfect for one another, platonically or romantically but Jaskier fell hard and fast.

Surely Geralt would love him back in the same way, right?

Jaskier was too afraid to ask at this point. He just kept saying “I love you” and hoping that Geralt would hear the truth. Neither of them had spoken about dating other people, but Jaskier knew there was no hope for him. Perhaps the odd fling, but he’d tried that once and without the connection he had with Geralt, he just wasn’t really into it.

He sighed dramatically and picked up his phone.

J - That’s fucking brilliant!!

He added a stream of emojis for good luck.

J - and all expenses paid for?! Drinks are on you, darling x

L - You should be so lucky.

- Pay for your own drink you cheapskate.

Jaskier squinted at the screen, pushing his fringe from his face. His tongue flicked out to lick his lips, and he ignored the dryness in his throat. Logically, he knew he should get up and get some water but his bed was comfy and he didn’t quite want to face the day yet, especially as Geralt was asleep. Things just felt heavier when Geralt was asleep.

He sighed again and tapped out a message.

J - Can you sneak Geralt in your suitcase?

- I’ll pay for the luggage fee <3

Lambert started typing immediately and Jaskier waited with bated breath. It had been a joke but there was always a chance that Lambert would be allowed a plus one… right?

L - I’m afraid not

- I’m sorry. I know you want to meet.

- Geralt is just as upset. The bastard hasn’t spoken to me all day.

Jaskier couldn’t help but laugh at that. He’d sensed something had been bothering his soulmate, especially when Geralt was the one to insist they video-called before Jaskier went to bed, but it was nice to hear that he wasn’t the only one being pathetic and unreasonably grumpy. Sometimes it felt like Jaskier felt everything and Geralt was just putting up with him because he didn’t have much choice. In his heart, Jaskier knew that wasn’t true, that Geralt just showed his love in a more sedate manner.

Opposites really do attract.

He sighed and switched chats, typing out a quick message to his soulmate.

J - I miss you. I love you. I will be unbearably needy today. Sorry!

Flipping his phone to the camera app, Jaskier snapped a quick selfie. He looked like a mess of stubble, glasses and ratty hair… but Geralt never seemed to mind.

J - Isn’t your soulmate the best?

- Love me?

- I love you

- I already said that but it’s true.

Jaskier cursed and threw his phone onto the end of the bed before remembering that he hadn’t answered Lambert yet. He pouted and scrambled to find his phone again, struggling against the weight of his blanket. The blanket did wonders for his ADHD but it could be a pain in the arse to move sometimes. Reluctantly, he switched back to Lambert’s chat.

J - I can’t wait to show you around! Ooh we could go to the natural history museum, I’m sure some of the stuffed animals look just like you! Or maybe a show!

L - Not sure how much I’’ll be able to hang out, but we’ll have to get a photo to show Geralt.

- He’ll probably be jealous.

- But he’ll manage.

Jaskier rolled his eyes. Siblings could be the worst. He’d never really gotten on well with his own sisters but he could imagine having Lambert for a brother would be a hundred times worse. Still, he smiled at his phone. Geralt would be jealous. Geralt wanted to meet him. That was a good thing, no matter how much Jaskier pined to see his soulmate over Lambert.

This was a start.

One day.

They would meet one day, and then Jaskier would never have to let him go. He just had to be patient… for now.

#the witcher #geraskier #soulmates #geralt of rivia #jaskier pankratz #lambert #wolfie's witcher writing

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rouiyan · 3 years

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𝘗𝘜𝘓𝘓 𝘔𝘌 𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘌𝘙 [ 𝘯.𝘫𝘮 ]

⧏ jaemin’s installment of the undone at twenty-one collective ⧐

synopsis: one estranged at the hands of love and the other tethered to his reputation. it's no wonder they find solace within each other.

✧ bartender!na jaemin x (fem.) reader (ft. ex!mark) ✧ college au, almost fwb au

✧ genres : fluff, angst, slight comedy ✧ word count : 15.5k ✧ disclaimers : swearing, alcohol consumption, insecurities, anxiety attacks, mentions of sex (no explicit smut, as per usual)

✧ author’s note — i'm so sorry to do this to you guys on a weekly, i swear, dropping double digit k fics is not normal and has definitely fucked with my sleep schedule ++ i hit 127 followers on thursday! for a total of four minutes but it was cool while it lasted! thank you!

maybe it all started when na jaemin got the job at the bar. it certainly didn't suit him, not the sweet boy he was, keyword on 'was.' he'd taken a course on bartending over the summer between senior year high school and his first year of college, just for fun until he realized he could actually use his license to get a job that paid slightly above minimum wage. maybe, it all started when he'd seen a classmate at the bar, a pretty girl at that, who'd smiled in a way that could only be classified as flirtatiously. maybe that's what had jaemin winking back, for the first time in his life. maybe that's what got him laid later that night. and maybe that's how he started to identify as more of a fuckboy than a heartthrob. it was a far out though new feeling, he thought. high school jaemin could never, he thought.

but maybe it all started to come to an end when you walked into the bar for the fourth time that week, eyes rimmed red and breath already tinged with alcohol. you ordered a draft beer from him, something light to keep you slightly buzzed but not completely knocked out. the hands of the clock were nearing two in the morning and the bar, especially the area of the counter he was tending, was beginning to empty out. jaemin struck conversation once you were the only one left and seven minutes before his shift ended.

he realizes, again, that you have zero recollection of him though he'd also struck conversation for the three nights before.

"how was your day, miss?"

you look up, head propped on your right hand, hand propped up with your elbow. "me?" slightly wary, you sit upright in front of the guy behind the counter. his smile never falters when he nods. you blink twice before remembering to respond, "i- no, i mean, today was okay," you slouch back into yourself, "a little less than okay, actually." the bartender's eyes widen in consideration, remembering that you had stopped at just 'okay' for the past days he'd asked you. he takes from this to offer politely, "do you mind if i ask what happened?"

your eyes are focused on the sink behind him, distractedly. almost forgetting to reply, you gather your thoughts by clearing your throat and pondering for a few moments before beginning to speak, hesitantly, "well it's like when you just know something bad's gonna happen, and you know for awhile. then it does happen and you don't get to be surprised or shocked because you already knew. so all you're left to feel is just," you heave a sigh, "sadness, or maybe even regret."

the metal nametag pinned to his chest glints in the lights above as he moves forward to place his elbows on the counter, leaning casually. you notice it to spell out 'jaemin' and a part of your subconsciousness is trying to make you remember that you know this guy. you know him from school, from rumors, from your gossiping friends, you know him from the bar even. but all you're able to process is that he is one hell of a good-looking specimen.

jaemin's eyes glint in the light as well when he poorly guesses, "did bad on a test? late homework assignment?" laughing and completely missing the fact that this 'stranger' had correctly assumed you to be a college student, you shake your head, "if it were either of those, i'd be awfully dramatic for coming to a bar and drinking my days away instead of studying." he's laughing as well and you can't help but think that his smile, straight pearly whites and all, is probably the most welcoming sight your eyes have laid upon the whole day. picking the conversation back up, you decide that it probably wouldn't do much harm to indulge jaemin in the latest and breaking news of your life. "actually, i was dumped today."

he sucks in a long breath in understanding, licking his lips, "so, a bad breakup. those aren't too fun." agreeing, you shake your head. the atmosphere is good-natured when you quip, "would it be worse to say that it was the eighth time too?" jaemin's brows shoot up in surprise and he pushes himself off his elbows, shifting his weight onto his hands. "eighth? as in eighth breakup or eighth time you've been dumped?" a chuckle escapes your complexion, giving way to how vulnerable you were feeling, vulnerable to a laughable extent. your eyes are cast downward when you respond, "the second."

jaemin pries in a way that doesn't seem like prying, you wonder how he does so. "care to share?" it's possible his range of bartender-ly duties extends to the likes of a therapist, "i mean, i don't see why not." you quirk your lips, the only thought coursing through your mind consisting of how the bridge of his nose was so carefully structured and how oversharing with this man didn't seem so much of a bad idea. you were, after all, far too caught up in your drunken stupor to think anything otherwise.

"let's see, i was ghosted by my first boyfriend in ninth grade, cheated on by my second, figured out that my third was only dating me for a bet, fourth just straight up stopped liking me, fifth lied to me about his age, objectified by my sixth, thought i was dating my seventh but turns out he forgot he asked me out, and my eighth...well, that one's a bit different."

he's back on his elbows, in intriguement and also due to the new song that began to play from the speakers above, louder than the last, "how so?" you're afraid the feelings are going to pour back within your forefront thoughts so you keep your answer short, "we dated for two years."

"and?"

you're quiet for a few moments. those moments are taken to mull over the exact reasonings behind your shitty day, almost as if you had forgotten. blinking slowly, the dryness of your contact lenses becoming apparent, you respond hesitantly, "and, he said he didn't see a future with me. that i could only ever be his first love."

jaemin seems to mull over this as well, "and did you see a future with him?"

you haven't looked up at him in a while, instead, focusing your sights on the way you've let your acrylics grow out far too long, how the skin around your nails is peeling, and how your palms are also creased with dry lines. using the same hand to lift the bottle from its handle, you toss the rest of its contents down your throat, swallowing in one motion. setting it back down, tongue grazing over your lips to catch the spilt extras, you look jaemin in the eye.

"yeah," you move to collect your things, "i guess i did." you pay. you take your leave.

he sees you again the following day, for the fifth time in that single week and he's led to wonder if there is a reason you seem frequent this one bar. the atmosphere possibly, the customer service maybe, or even him, though he's doubtful.

this time you're accompanied by two friends, one he knows to be jeno's best friend, eunmi, and the other, the crush of that same friend, jaein. jaemin's known eunmi for as long as jeno has, since the beginning of high school. jaemin also knows that eunmi, as of the late, doesn't like himself all that much. he figures it has something to do with the bit of a reputation his name now carries.

jaemin thinks the girls are by your side for emotional support. perhaps, today proved even shittier than yesterday, but he's thwarted a few moments after when the three of you seem to be lost in the depths of interesting conversation, light-hearted laughter, and glasses that can't seem to fill themselves as fast as they empty into your stomachs, except for jaein, that is, but especially for you.

it's 12:48 in the morning when he's thrown off guard for the first time that night, in the midst of whipping up a whiskey for the grumpy man down the counter, eunmi falls asleep, literal in the sense that she really does fall and would've completely sagged into the ground if the table had not been in gravity's way. jaemin watches as jaein lifts the poor girl's head off the surface, revealing an angry red splotch, and transfers eunmi's weight onto her lap.

he's thrown off guard for a second time at 1:22, watching you stand straight from your seat, swaying a tad bit, but brows creased in strong will and determination. you're walking towards him, steps that would be quick if only you were even mildly aware of sidestepping the paths of others. you pant as you reach the table, head feeling a little too hot and too heavy to aid in clear thinking. squinting at him, though you were but a few feet away, "your name. what's your name again?"

jaemin repeats the actions you'd done yesterday, slightly wary in expression and checking his posture, "me?" you don't reply but continue to scrutinize the way he looks. he supposes that's just as much of an answer, "it's jaemin, i believe we talked yesterday." your mouth parts in recognition and moves as if to form a word or two in response. jaemin watches as it opens and closes again and, even after much deliberation, the only thing you can find to say is, "well, you're fucking hot."

"oh-"

"shit, didn't mean to say that aloud." your lips smack in embarrassment, shifting your weight to your left foot. your mind is yelling at you to sober up, to save your face.

a smile adorns the man's features as he bemusedly remarks, "i'm sure you didn't." there's a silence that hangs between the two of you, and you're on the cusp of excusing yourself from further embarrassment when jaemin blurts out, "if it helps, i think you're fucking hot too." it might just be the alcohol in your system that's making the heat rise in your countenance but you swear you blush, and you never blush!

fingering the lobe of your right ear, you fumble with your thoughts until settling on a quiet, "thanks." jaemin busies himself with swiping a rag across the counter, unaware of the awkwardness on your end. looking up, he offers, "would you like a drink?" nodding, you take a seat at the bar in front of him, eyes slipping back to the girls for a split second, only to see jaein on her phone and eunmi still asleep. returning your sights, you're met with a slight humor traced in jaemin's expression, "what?"

he lets out the smallest of chuckles, mouth moving but lacking words, sentences starting but never ending, until he finally makes himself clear. "you- would you mind ordering a drink then?" your hand comes up, as if you had a point to make, but returns into your lap as you realize you'd never elaborated. "oh," your hand resurfaces to massage your temples, "same as yesterday then."

jaemin doubts you even remembered what you'd gotten yesterday but goes on to fill a bottle of beer from the kegs behind him. you're staring at his back in wonderment at how lackluster in...social interactions you'd become, how lackluster in flirting you were. you guess two years of being cuffed would render anyone a little rusty. hell, it wasn't as if you were keen on flirting with every hot guy you saw but jaemin, not that you remember much, gave off the right feeling after a wrong relationship. that was surely a green light, right?

"here," he slides it across the counter with a wink, entirely out of habit. you wince at that, "ew no, don't do that around me, i'm not one of your fuckbuddies." retying his black waist apron, he replies with a, "right, you're not." he pulls a neat bow in place and sets his hands back on the counter, there's a lilt to his voice when he speaks, "but, if you ever feel like you need-"

you wave him off, "i'm good, thanks for the offer though."

he watches you chug the draft beer. nodding, he replies under his breath, more to himself than anything, "i see." you finish the bottle in no time but it looks as if you were to vomit, or pass out, or maybe even black out, or all three at once. jaemin really does not mean to spur your flirtatious gene as much as his own but seeing you like this he offers, "it's on the house." you're definitely surprised for a good half of a second but in the other half, you drunkenly lean across the table, so far so that jaemin's nose is but a few inches away from yours.

something in jaemin stirs. the stench of your breath, your hardened eyes, the delicate lines of your lips. jaemin finds that it isn't lust that rumbles beneath his carefully built expression. and though it might as well be some form of pity, he doesn't hesitate to take your phone from you when you ask, "can i have your number?" he doesn't mind the smile that graces your face as you take your phone back, as you turn around to head back with your friends, not even in the right mind to say a goodbye, and even as you exclaim, rather loudly, to jaein, "i got his number," a smile of his own is quick to light up his face. but na jaemin hides his silly smile and even himself a little later when jeno appears to drive the three of you home. he even goes so far as to hide the smile and the meanings behind the smile from himself, afraid that he'd uncover something that was very un-bartender-ly of him to feel for a customer. at least, that's what happens before he ends his shift.

when you first wake up, it's at the sound of the door of your room clicking shut. jaein, you suppose, you'll thank her later. the ceiling is oddly comforting after a week that just didn’t start well, go well, end well. love isn’t your forte, loving yourself, loving others, anything to do with love. you supposed that getting dumped the seventh time would have made that quite obvious but you just had to throw yourself out there again, just to make sure. you fall once again to sleep that night with nothing on your mind other than the thought that you might as well be single for the rest of your life.

but you wake up in the love, not of a lover per se, but of a best friend. the post-it note on your bedside reads, text me when you wake up!, and the smile that lifts your face is instantaneous. jaein has never failed to care for you, despite being almost a year younger, and in that way and many others, you feel indebted to her.

you fail to recall any of the events of the night prior, though if anything horrendous happened you knew jaein would be more delighted to share. you stumble across your phone somewhere in the sheets after searching aimlessly and you decide that making a call would perhaps be more thoughtful than a measly text. but as you scroll through the names in your phone, upset that you didn't have jaein's contact pinned in your favorites, you stop, well, your heart stops because right below her contact is listed na jaemin.

you are two thoughts away from crossing over to tap the shoulder of the girl a little ways in front of you, her silhouette a great deal similar to jaein's, when a hand is placed on your own shoulder. you don't have a chance to turn and see who it is because that hand has traveled a little ways across your front, latching from one shoulder to another and bringing your body flush with his. you tilt your head to get a glance, only to find jaemin smiling down at you, the strobe lights glaring a brief red across his features. "been avoiding me?"

yeah no shit you've been avoiding him, suddenly nowhere to be found at the bar you used to appear at every single day of the week. and though the two of you attended the same college, you made extra sure to-

"jeno told me eunmi asked him for my lecture schedule for you, wonder why." a smirk grazes his lips, playfully. he’s grinding on your ass now, slow compared to the music blasting from overhead. taking your shoulder in his hands, he spins you to face him, "why are you avoiding me? tell me." jaemin places a hand on the curve of your neck, brings you closer to him, either so that he could hear your response better or because of whatever lust was running through his eyes. somehow, even with the minuscule amount of alcohol in your system, you can’t bring yourself to mind that he’s looking at you like some starved animal.

"what do you want, jaemin?" he doesn't hesitate to show you, a lazy kissed pressed to your lips before leaning in towards your ear, "i want you in my bed."

no objections are made when the arm around your shoulder tightens its hold, so as not to loose you in such a crowd. nothing is said in opposition when he ushers you towards the stairwell, brushing past people left and right. no sign of reluctance is apparent when you cross the threshold of his room, shutting the door behind you. and not a trace of hesitance is found as you find a spot beside the man who's already placing a strand of wide kisses onto your neck.

"what'd you say about not being one of my fuckbuddies the other day?"

"well," you hastily move to straddle him, allowing him to a wider expanse of your chest, "i was drunk, fuck whatever i said." you lean back for the slightest of seconds to catch his expression, lust lined his eyes. certainly, you felt like one of his fuckbuddies now but maybe this is what you need, a distraction. just one thing in your life, one time, one moment in time where it wasn't so frustratingly shoved up in your face that your world, your one love, hadn't been torn down right before your eyes. maybe kissing jaemin with such raw desire would finally give you the reigns over your goddamned emotions. his lips on your collarbone, tracing down slower and slower onto your breasts, his hands guiding you lower and lower into his bed, it felt exhilarating. in that one second, when his fingers moved to the hem of your dress, eyes shifting to meet yours in question, you nod fervently because really, you want to let him in, you feel safe letting him in.

but it only lasts for that one second because the door is burst open in the next, and a tipsy man and a wasted woman are storming on inside, eyes raking the place until they land on you and yours land on theirs, on his. mark lee. it's mark lee's eyes and as you take in the sight of the rest of him, the familiar him, and the girl by his side, suddenly nothing has ever felt more wrong. jaemin's lips, his hard on pressing against your core, nothing has ever felt more wrong when mark lee is staring right at you. why is it that you feel like you've cheated on him?

he leaves, pulling the woman behind him.

the party is alive, it's at its height, it's roaring and it's ravaging fun. the party is in full swing yet, for once, you're not partaking in it. "are you okay? do you need some water?" you lick your lips and decide, "some water would be nice, thank you." jaemin leaves the room, door clicking shut behind him and signaling your immediate breakdown.

a shudder passes your lips, reverberates down your spine, curls your toes. you draw into yourself, bringing with you jaemin's blankets on which you were sat. there is nothing more that leaks from your countenance than bouts of undisturbed anxiety that you let wrack your walls of understanding and awareness. you don't bother to fight back with distractions, no alcohol this time, no quick fucks, nothing to ease the weight that settles in your gut, presses down your heart and blurs the visions of jaemin's room.

he returns in seven minutes, promptly enough, for you're just about to wither in the confines of loneliness. the blankets are pulled taut around your figure and your head is in between your knees, mind flitting between images of mark and images of the darkness that threatens to envelop you whole. jaemin places the cup of warm water on the nightstand and dips the bed to your right though you barely register his presence until his hand begins kneading lines down your back.

the feeling returns. the one you know all too well by now. the one where the skin on your forehead feels too tight from being scrunched in frustration for too long, when your brain feels like it doesn't belong in your skull, when you feel ruptures in your heart, aches in your soul, as if you were to combust if you so much as moved in the slightest. your ragged breaths echo in your head, over and over, as if to remind you that you aren't okay, that nothing is real, that the only thing keeping you alive are your breaths, the only thing between life and death.

your breaths are also what grounds you, focusing on the in and out, the way the air fills your lungs, the way it exits. your hands begin to mellow their shake and you begin to gain some semblance of your being. you feel that jaemin is all around you. he's everything you smell, his breaths are all you hear, his lean body and arms are all you feel, and though you can't see him, you know he's there.

he's there when you turn in his embrace, looking up at him with eyes that tell age-long tales of hurt from delivering too much passion whilst receiving near to none. he's there when you wrap your arms around him, head tucking into his chest. he's there when your breaths even and he's there when you tell him you can't fall asleep.

jaemin hands you a set of his clothes, a light shirt and sweatpants, and ushers you gently into the bathroom. you change without looking in the mirror, afraid of what you'll see. he tugs you by the hand, once you're out, to the car. you only question him thirty minutes into the ride, "where are we going?"

he doesn't quite answer you, "if i'm right, we should be just in time." scrunching your nose in the darkness, "just in time for…?"

it's then that he turns into a dim parking lot and suddenly everything becomes clear when the wide screen comes into view, "jaemin...you 50's romanticist." the time is almost four in the morning, you didn't know the local drive-in theater had screenings that early and you're surprised that the man in the driver's seat knows. he offers you a hand and you take it, absentmindedly.

the movie is interesting enough to keep your begrudging thoughts away until an hour or so passes and you're beginning to teeter from exhaustion. before you have a chance to pass out, jaemin gives your fingers a little squeeze, alerting you, and then slowly tugging you over the middle console of his car and into his lap while lowering his seat. again, you comply absentmindedly, you're in no mindset to be complaining.

straddling him for the second time that night, you sigh into his chest. your eyes are fluttering closed when you begin to trace back the moments that brought you to this mess in the first place, the events that led to you in na jaemin's lap, the boy renowned in bed. you're a conscious thought away from voicing aloud your hatred of love. fucking love.

the prospect of love is addicting to you, like a drug in many more ways than one. you want to get lost in someone's eyes, you want to swim in the embrace of your other half, you want to be able to romanticize every aspect of your life, to be able to attribute your everything to one single person who would do the exact same for you. you can't part with the thought that love isn't for you.

and you know that there really are people who live just fine being single, people who don't feel the need to share their every joy and letdown with a special someone, people who feel enough just being in their own company. you know that yet, you're fully convinced you just aren't one of those people. because no matter how hard you want to say that getting left in the dust for the eighth time became the turning point in this endless chase, you can't see yourself ever stopping. there is not a single part of you that wishes to stop.

your breaths are shallow and brimmed with sobs as you drift into rest. above all that's been said, the least you can admit is that love is only a feeling. just like any other.

✧ ONE (01) YEAR AGO

"mark, what the fuck, we never go on actual dates." you complain, though you really don't mind all that much. the car pulls into a parking spot in front of the library, "and who's to say study dates aren't actual dates?" he opens the door for you and you roll your eyes graciously.

the two of you take your usual spots, the two at the end of the long row in the central area. it's halfway secluded, one side shoved against the wall, but still enough in the open to keep you guys from entirely ditching school work and talking until shushed by a librarian.

he's about to say something when a librarian appears just around the corner, pushing a cart of books. so instead, mark takes a piece of lined paper from his notebook, gently ripping it at the edge, taking his pen out and writing a line and passing the note to you. i'll take you somewhere nice next time. sorry babe, i just happened to have a lot of work today.

you press your lips together, eyeing the man that was eyeing you back, okay, my love. you pass it back, shooting him the most playful of smiles. he writes quickly and when he slides the paper back to you, you read his words quickly. sure thing, my world.

you giggle, the sound eliciting a glare from the stressed schoolmate beside you. quickly you jot down the words you've been wanting to say to him. fine by me, my future. you shuffle the paper towards the man across from you, unwilling to hide yet another smile that spreads across your face. you watch as mark takes the paper in his hands, skims the words you've carefully penned and then, he puts it away, tucks it into the front of his backpack. you smile fondly at him for safekeeping the paper, thinking he'd want to keep it as a little memento, a token of your love for him.

perhaps you should've thought a little more about it, the action, because in that moment it never occurred to you that he only put it away because he didn't want to respond, he had nothing in his heart that he could say to top that, and he most certainly did not see you as anything more, much less his future.

that lined piece of paper has long been discarded by now, in the most literal and figurative sense. mark could chalk it up to the possibility that it was just the right person at the wrong time but he knows there's absolutely nothing wrong with the time. college was going to zip by quickly for the two of you, you guys could move in together maybe, tell each other about your new jobs, every pay raise you got, and when you guys begin to settle down, a house would be bought and a ring would be proposed, and kids and old age would follow. somehow, mark can't help but acknowledge the fact that it simply was the wrong person at the right time. deep down, he knows it's always been that way for him. not for you. and he could only hope to turn back time and tell you a little sooner, maybe lessen the pain he knew he was to eventually inflict upon you. two years was two years too long. mark’s a nice guy and the weight of being your eighth breakup had a tough hold on him, it really did.

✧ PRESENT

you lift your feet up onto the other side of the booth, back against the window and your arrangement of your textbooks and computer to your left. jaein, studious as ever, looks up at you for a brief moment, "break? already?"

it's only been thirty minutes since the two of you arrived with the set intentions to study. "yup, already." you sigh, with everything going on, it's hard to pay attention to just one thing. especially something that seems so insignificant in the whole scheme of things. "y/n, are you getting enough sleep these days?"

you look over at her, her hair swept into a small ponytail, eyes holding the stars. jaein had her own fair share of problems, especially when it came to boys, but she never halted to care for herself. you wish you could be like her. "enough, yeah i'm getting enough." she puts down her pen, wrinkling her nose, "well then, make sure to get more than enough, yeah?" you only nod in response.

jaein's eyes rome until they settle upon a girl a few tables down, also studying. she cocks her head in inquisition, "hey, isn't that minyoung?" you wait for jaein to look away before you take a peek behind you, not wanting to seem conspicuous. you know her, you share some of your professors with her, you see her almost everyday, but you've never been riled up by just her presence being in the same room as yours. you look back at jaein, "yeah, that's minyoung."

"minyoung as in the girl that jaemin's datin-"

"they're not dating," you intercept. sighing in distaste, you follow up to cover your evident aversion of the girl, "just fucking around." jaein only nods, eyes wide in worry.

a few minutes pass and you're already sinking back into your workload when she speaks, "does it bother you? that they- they're fucking around?" now, you're sinking into yourself because you really have no idea what you're supposed to be feeling, how you're supposed to be feeling, or even if you're supposed to be feeling anything for this boy who you know little to nothing about.

but you guess it's because of what you do know about him that throws you off. na jaemin, the campus fuckboy, heart throb, and whatever other name that makes his image sound as vile as it is enticing. in some other universe, you're sure to have already let him eat you out over the course of the few weeks you've known him but somehow, you're glad that you reside in the universe where your head seems to be more securely fastened above your heart. you lick your lips in consideration but nothing comes to mind.

it's frustrating because as much as you hate to admit it, na jaemin makes you feel something. he stirs up something within you, something that hasn't been there in a long time. maybe not since your first crush or when mark first asked you out or even in the heights of your relationship with him when you felt like you could feel nothing more than love for the wretched boy.

you tell her, "it bothers me. it shouldn't, but it does." because though you don't know why. why you're feeling so strongly, or feeling at all, for a man so far from what you need after the end of a long-winded and committed relationship. you don't know why you even care, if anything, him fucking around with a handful of girls served even more as a sign for you to just stay away. getting invested in his small, thoughtful actions and his intense, loving stares is just asking for a ninth breakup. you don't know why but the idea of him being in bed with another girl, bothers you. it shouldn't, but it does.

jaemin isn't ever invited to these types of outings. usually, on a weeks basis, he's invited to quite the number of houses instead. houses of girls and houses that housed parties. never a restaurant, and never in the middle of the day. jeno had let that he was invited because eunmi had some 'investigation' to do, so naturally, he'd expect you to be there as well. turns out this investigation was set up for himself only, seeing as he was now sitting at the far edge of the table, to the left of renjun, whom he had never personally met, and across eunmi, who seems to spend most the time scrutinizing him instead of eating.

the purpose of his presence is made clear as eunmi sits up straight, gaze still fixed on him, and asks straight to the point, "what do you want with y/n?"

jaemin places his fork down calmly but his voice is anything but that, surprised, "i- what do i- what do you mean?" his hands are folded in his lap now, he wonders if this was the reason you didn't come, he wonders if eunmi asked him to come just to interrogate him in front of all your friends. she's still staring at him and though he's taller, he feels a great deal smaller when everyone's eyes are turned to him. hell, even jeno stopped ogling at jaein to give his attention to the scene on the other side of him.

he clears his throat and reiterates, now with a sense of the atmosphere, "what do you mean?" jaemin blinks rapidly as eunmi heaves a sigh, placing two folded hands on the table and pushing her point to light, "why are you messing with her? you wanna fuck her? you know she's off limits for you." jaemin asks the two question he knows he'll end up regretting, he can't help the spite that curls at the edge of his mind for the girl who so fervently despises him, "why is she off limits for me, huh? got something against me?"

"yeah, yeah i do. you go around sleeping with every other girl you see, you, jaemin, you are the last thing she needs right now."

"who are you to decide what she needs-"

"i'm just looking out for her, okay? and, shit, i know she has every right to, i don't know, fuck around with you too, but i can't sit here and watch as she falls for someone that doesn't give two shits about how she feels."

jaemin finds that he has nothing to say. the words echo around in his head, fall for someone, fall for him. he stares down at his food, takes a sip of his water, wipes his clammy hands on a napkin. when he looks up again, eunmi's expression is a tenfold softer than it was before.

"i'm sorry, jaem. it's just- i don't trust you anymore. you've changed a lot since, since…high school." jaemin only nods.

revolutions are held within him as he drives home that day. jaemin notes that the feelings are nothing new, he thinks it has something to do with the little churns in his stomach on the fifth night of your week of 'get drunk, get wasted.' he doesn't bother to suppress the feelings this time, it's been too long, he thinks.

it's been too long since he's liked someone for who they really are instead of just their pussy, he thinks. he, and his loving self, welcomes the feeling with open arms. it's been years since the giddy persona of a lovesick jaemin resurfaced. he's glad it's because of you.

"jaemin, hey, do you need anything?" you remove your eyes from your computer screen for the first time in a few hours, you barely register the strain when his voice is quick to respond from the other end of the line, "can you come down? i'm outside, got a lil something for you." eyes almost ejecting out of their sockets, you quickly mutter a, "sure, i'll be down in two," before hanging up, slamming your computer shut, throwing on a hoodie over your lazy study-day outfit, and grabbing your keys after almost forgetting them entirely.

straightening down the stray strands of your hair as you tread down the steps of the stairwell, you take a minute to breathe, a minute to yourself, before exiting the building. the sky is dark, the time being a little after dinner, but the lamplight that falls onto the man's face makes your heart swoon at the sight. dangerous territory.

"hey," you voice as he meets you in the middle. "what are you-"

"here," he holds out a teddy bear, medium in size, brown and fuzzy. you take it from him graciously and he tucks his hands into his jeans pocket, "i was just-i just thought that you'd...yeah." chuckling, you notice the hues of warmth rise in his cheeks. "wow, didn't think you were one to blush." he's laughing as well, from the embarrassment, hand coming up to cover his cheeks, to cover his smile, his stupid smile.

his smile never falters when he asks, "may i ask you something?" you nod, unassumingly.

"can i take you out on a date? next week maybe?"

breathless and eyes sparkling, you look up at him as if he were the one who put the sparkles in your eyes. he really was. now, it's you that blushes, hands coming up to cover your own cheeks, "yeah, i'd- i would like that." you almost want to coo at him when you see the relief that washes over his expression.

"you would?"

"yes, jaemin," you give a breathy laugh, "i'd like that very much."

fucking love. that one stupid feeling that could get you so emotionally intoxicated in ways no substance ever could. the kind of love that made you want to scream into the void, to exclaim your sheer and utter elatedness to the world. fucking love that you could never not chase, especially if it was jaemin.

mark never took pictures of you. not that you expected him to by default, he just never did. jaemin, however, shows up right outside your dorms, a camera hanging down from his neck. you can't say it doesn't charm your heart.

"what's that for?" you eye the camera as you slip into the passenger seat. you already know, you just love it when he says, "for you, of course." his hand holds yours as he drives and it stays that way until the two of you arrive.

the botanical gardens are, for the most part, empty on the weekdays, working wonderfully in your favor as jaemin leads you, also by the hand, through the forests of greenery, the air so crisp that it fills your mind with clarity after a week of muddled studying. jaemin compares you to the likes of several flowers, all of which he implores for you to pose next to for a picture. he especially finds the daphne odora, the winter flowering of daphnes, to hold the highest esteem in regards to you. you have not the slightest idea why.

the two of you are strolling under the glass-covered conservatory when light conversation turns heavy. confusion lines your face as you look over at him, "jaem?"

"yes?" he takes an extra step or two to match your pace. you stare at his feet as you speak, "what's...what's different about me?"

"what do you mean by that?" hesitance sits in your every word, "you don't treat me like...one of them, like one of you're fuckbuddies."

"because you're not," he replies simply. in all honesty, there's something you're looking for, something you just need to know, though you are lost in how to phrase it. shaking your head a bit, to wrack the insides for an answer, you end up regurgitating the same question, "yeah but, what makes me different?"

jaemin doesn't seem to mind and answers to his best ability, "well, for one, we're not fucking. and then there's the fact that i- that…" he trails off, the words are right there at the tip of his tongue, waiting to jump out at you, to allow you to revel in his love. he doesn't dare voice them aloud, the threat of rejection is stemming and rooting itself in his bloodstream. unaware, you urge him on, "that…"

your date is lost in thought, eyes seeming to be particularly interested in a bloom of camellias. you suppose they're plenty interesting but you wonder how he'd lost the interest in speaking with you so quickly. was it something that you said? maybe asking him so upfront like that wasn't the best choice. jaemin, meanwhile, is panicking. sure, the camellias look beautiful but the millions of thoughts that course through his mind are each occupying too much space for his mouth to actually form a string of words that make coherent sense.

jaemin finally, finally settles on something to say, just as the two of you are rounding upon the exit. he subtly wishes he'd gotten a picture of you by the camellias. turning his sights back in your direction, he verbalizes, "are you going home for winter break?"

lips pursed, you shake your head, "no, i was just planning on staying at school-"

"do you wanna come with me? back home?"

you stop in your tracks. jaemin walks on until the hand that's carrying yours is tugged to a stop. he looks back at you and sees the way you gulp, the way you refuse to return his gaze. he makes his way back to you, closing the distance he's created. jaemin is a few seconds, a few thoughts, away from recollecting his propositions with a 'nevermind' and a quick brush of a hand but you beat him to it, voice small, but instead of hesitance, it's laced in full conviction.

"yeah okay, i can do that."

it isn't until you're back in your dorms later that night, going over a couple of review sheets for your upcoming exam, that you think to do a little research. a new tab is opened, a few words are typed, and you're floored with what you're met with.

the daphne odora (winter daphne), where 'odora' is latin for fragrant, is most noted, though not often, to be a symbol of doting love, as if to say 'i would not have you otherwise." it flowers in the winter and is primarily prone to wilting in hard soil and low sunlight…

✧ SIX (06) MONTHS AGO

mark's parents give you a once-over before letting you in. just the way they look at you speaks volumes. you can only hope they don't treat you any different. for some reason, his house feels cold, unpleasant, unwelcoming. and though you thought any homemade meal should bring about a sense of warmth, dinner is passed in tight-lipped smiles and the worst type of small talk, small talk about the weather.

retreating into his room after dinner, you decide to bring to light your worries, "mark, i don't think they really-" evident, he's already two steps ahead of you, "it's fine, y/n, they just haven't seen me date someone in awhile."

treading carefully over to his bed and placing a knee upon the sheets, you offer, "so...overly critical?"

he gives you a look, one that opposes your quavering brows and reverts your worries, "exactly."

"right," you huff a sigh of relief, as far as you know, you're convinced but the underlying layer of disbelief still holds true, "i'm gonna go get changed, okay?" you hear a mumbled, "okay" in response as you reopen the door, sights already on the bathroom at the end of the hall. it's when you're at the top of the stairwell, just before your destination, that you hear the conversation from down below, his parents you suppose.

"i'm just saying we shouldn't take this too seriously," by the pitch, you tell it's mark's mom. you move for the bathroom, uninterested, until his dad speaks up as well, "i know, especially with how she looks, exactly like her don't you think?"

"it's the eyes, they have the same eyes," your hand, just above the doorknob, is held in place. your face, expressions of the shock and concern that comes with the revelation, is unmoved. and your breath is no longer coursing air through your lungs.

"mark must still be really hung up on her if he's stuck with that replacement for so long," your hands being to shake and you're afraid that whimpers will arise in their wake, you make haste into the room, closing the door after enduring one last sentence. his mom chuckles, "poor soul, i hope he tells her soon."

you can't find the light switch but you're trembling fingers are quick to latch onto what you assume to be the shower dial, turning on the water to mask your loud sobs. you lock the door behind you, sliding down the back of it while letting out the briniest of tears. the rubber bathroom mat underneath you squeaks and your feet hit the vanity across from you. hands in your hair you can only pull at the strands, the strings of curse words and pain that emit from your figure more mental than physical.

you've never wondered what it would be like to be filed under 'replacement,' or to have a spot in someone's life as merely a disposable placeholder, someone whose presence was dictated solely by how well you satisfied the other's needs for closure, or lack thereof. now you're wondering if that is really all there is to love, satisfying each other's self-serving desires. you wonder if mark served some sort of purpose to you. but you could not, for the life of you, think of one. never in your life as now have you wanted so badly to see the good in a person you swore to love for perhaps the rest of your life.

you want to look him in the eye and tell him that you can't take it anymore, the disrespect, the mistreatment. maybe you could be dramatic and throw a hand across his face, a cup of water to douse his senses. you'd think that a man so kind would be the epitome of committed lover, never one to be agenda-oriented, not that the mark you now pictured was some scheming wretch, but you had to keep in mind that even going as far back as when he first laid his eyes on you, the interest you saw in them was in reality just familiarity. somewhere in you, something about you, maybe not even your looks, resonated with the memory of someone that was already held close to his heart, long before you came along. you were just there so he could relive his past, relish in his memories, prolong the inevitable.

but more than everything, you despise yourself. it's because of who you are, your willingness to be unfalteringly loyal even in the face of something so wrong, that makes it so you are always the backup plan, the last resort, the dumped and not the dumper. it's who you are that keeps you silent till the very moment he ends the whole damned relationship, till the very moment when there's no point in speaking out anymore, so that all that's left to do is to cry out.

✧ PRESENT

the sky is vast out in the countryside. the wind pays no mind to ruffling the leaves on the trees, branches already bare in the wake of autumn. you wished it could snow, just a little, though you doubt the early december rains would be so willing to fall into harsh winter so soon. jaemin ushers you to close the window your finger are flitting out of, he keeps ushering you, but you give him a shake of your head each time, you like the cool air. as he exits the highway, you finally slip them back in, tips of your fingers numbed raw, and jaemin looks at you in an 'i told you so' fashion before rolling the window up to keep the heated air within.

as so many times before, he takes your hand in his while he drives. fussing, his own fingers now encasing and rubbing yours to build the warmth back up. you perk up as the surroundings start to speak more 'countryside' than 'middle of nowhere.' a gas station, diner, couple of shopping plaza are passed, "how much longer?" jaemin pulls to a stop at a red light, "four, maybe five." eyes sparkling, you turn towards him, bringing your legs up on the seat and pulling his hand in yours to your lap, "ooh, so we're close. really close."

the light turns green and jaemin waits for the car in front of him to move, "why? you nervous?" you squirm in your spot, under his gaze, "i mean, n- no," rubbing the back of your neck, "yeah, a little i guess."

"and why is that?"

your hand is still on the back of your neck, fumbling with your words, "well, i mean, your parents. and we're not even- yeah, i don't know."

you say you don't know, yet, both of you know exactly what you're trying to say.

jaemin's childhood home is quaint, with a big front and backyard, and the only house on his street that has offwhite siding paint and soft blue shutters. you'd never pegged him to be a countryside kind of boy.

you've only known jaemin for the better part of two months, yet, the first thing his mom does is hold you in her warm, welcoming embrace. "y/n, dear! such a pleasure to have you here, you're all jaemin talks about over the phone." you blush at that, pulling away from her to give your most sincere smile. you wonder since when blushing was your thing.

his mother does her absolute best to learn your whole life story over the course of one single meal and his father is gruff but fails to hide a smile at your small attempts at anecdotes while jaemin full on chortles on his food. you're glad that not once do they bring up the questionings of your and jaemin's relationship because frankly, you have no idea what the whole deal with it is yourself.

even after dinner, his mother is quick to pull you into the living room, tightly bound photo albums stacked high in her hands. as the two of you coo over two-year-old jaemin taking a bath, four-year-old jaemin at his first piano recital, seven-year-old jaemin's face smushed in his birthday cake, the actual jaemin finishes up washing the dishes and makes his way to his packed bags, unveiling a pack of...you're not sure.

he sits to your right, setting the paper envelope on the table. you pick it up just as he puts it down. peering in, you pull out a bundle of photos strapped together with a measly rubber band. slipping it off, your eyes soften when you realize that almost two thirds of the stack is just you, and then a flower or two, and then some more of you.

jaemin and his mother are hovering over your shoulders on both sides when you reveal the last picture, one of you and jaemin that he had so kindly asked another visitor to take, the daphnes in the back. he had said something funny, you wish you remembered what it was, and in the moment you were looking up at him with your face scrunched in amusement, but it was too late, the picture had been taken. the man on your right takes the laminated photo from you, "i think," he starts, hands navigating the photo albums to find the most recent one. flipping it open, he slides it into the slot underneath a picture of him at his high school graduation, "i think it goes here."

jaemin gives his mother a look, unbeknownst to you, and she dismisses the two of you hurriedly to go off to bed, to get some rest after a long car ride. jaemin doesn't think much of that, apparent in how he does urge you to shower, unpack, and get comfy in his bed but also keeps you up, talking into the depths of the night.

he explains to you, later after you had asked, why his albums only went up until the end of his high school days. his head is propped up on the pillow, body strewn on the thin mattress of his bedroom floor, but both upturned to you perched on his bed. his room is a showcase of his younger years, far before you knew him, and even farther before you heard rumors of him. the walls are littered with certificates of merit, ribbons of academic excellence and his shelves, instead of books, have been cleared out for an abundance of trophies, for innumerable instruments, for perfect attendance, for anything and everything a person under eighteen could be awarded for. you'd never pegged jaemin to be a countryside boy, and added on to that, you'd never have pegged him to be the goody-two-shoes his childhood home so plainly made him out to be.

he tells you, himself, how college had changed him, how freedom had changed him, how being admitted into the fraternity changed him, how parties, underage drinking, sex, how it all rewrote the person he used to be. he looks you in the eye and tells you how much he loved the thrill, the adrenaline, the popularity, the sheer magnitude of people he had swooning over him, at his feet, on their knees. he tells you he loved it and that he's not so sure if he loves it now.

"why the sudden change?"

jaemin could tell you that he doesn't know, really, that maybe he just grew up a little and saw his time wasted, that perhaps he realized all the fights he had with his parents were simply not worth it. or, he could tell you the truth.

"because of you."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean," he's scrambling to sit up straight now, so he can look you in the eyes. if he's going to do this, he's going to do it properly. his eyes level with yours, lips freshly licked, he dives in the deep end. "i think i just- i met you at your worst. and we talked, and we, i don't know, flirted, and everything was supposed to just pan out how it usually does. you know, in bed. but it didn't." you've sat up as well, feet hanging over the edge of his bed and barely scraping the floor. you reach to hold both his hands in yours, though you have not the slightest clue where he is going with this tangent. "it didn't, but even then, i- i never-" it seems that even he doesn't know.

jaemin's hands start to clam in yours but there's an underlying determination that still holds strong, he's nowhere near done. "i never stopped going after you, and not at all for the sex. i- it was really just for you."

your jaw unhinges itself, hand not bothering to cover, thoughts elsewhere. what you thought might've been his life-changing, inspirational, heart-spurring tale, is turning out to be something you were inexplicably unprepared for. your newly sprouted tears are at the brink of overflowing as you try to make sense of the mess your mind has already made for itself. the questions are almost pushed over the precipice of your tongue before jaemin clears the air with finality and a handful, of in-the-moment confidence.

"y/n," jaemin's fingers glide over your knuckles in half the rhythm of your heartbeat, "i met you at your worst and i think that somehow it made me realize that i was also at my worst. and i don't know what people have to say about two sad people falling in love, all i really know is that i like you. i really fucking like you."

as if on cue, you start crying right then. "fuck, jaem," you pull your hands from him to swipe at your face and he's moving onto the bed as he speaks, dumbfounded, "why are you crying, y/n? is this like a 'i like you back and i'm happy' or 'i don't like you back' kinda cry?" you throw your head back in unprecedented laughter as he takes you in his embrace. your head rocks back and rests on his shoulders, arms coming up to encase them. "it's a 'relieved that i'm not the only one' cry."

he draws back, hands still holding you at the waist, "so, i'm taking that to mean you like me back?" you lick your lips, "maybe...possibly, you'll have to find out on your own." jaemin shakes his head, the back of his right hand coming up to caress the apples of your cheek. chuckling he retorts, "you're saying that like i don't already know. eunmi kinda let it slip a few weeks ago."

"she what?!"

"well, she kinda said that you were falling for me or something like that."

"well," you stop, in confoundment of being left in utter betrayal, "well, she's wrong. tell her that i said she's wrong."

"but you-"

"no, fuck what i just said, she's wrong."

"i- okay," jaemin watches you fall back onto your back with a huff, he follows shortly. the ceiling the both of you stare at and beyond is rightfully comforting after a week that just happened to start well, go well, end well. maybe love is your forte, after all, loving yourself after all that's happened, loving others despite all that might go wrong, anything to do with love. you suppose the getting dumped the eighth time would have made that quite obvious but you just had to throw yourself out there again, just to make sure. and boy were you glad you did just that.

jaemin is cutting fruit when it first begins to snow. apples are especially delectable in the winter, he knows he's bound to love them even more after this one winter. you're on the couch when it begins to snow, just shy of beating your long-withstanding high score on some game you were admittedly terrible at. jaemin joins you on the couch with the plate of apples, moments after it beings to snow.

"jaem," your lay a hand on his thigh, your sights elsewhere, "look, it's snowing."

you're scrambling to get a scarf around your neck, your boots zipped, the turtleneck underneath your coat pulled to your chin. the sky is almost dark, sunset not entirely visible under the veil of clouds. jaemin can't decide what is more enlightening, the snow or you and the ear-splitting grin that takes up half your expression. he decides that it's you.

you aren't even allotted the time to make snow angels before his lips are on yours. it's not the first time the two of you have kissed but neither of you will deny how different it feels. jaemin guesses it's because the way his lips move against your is fueled by untainted adoration and he suspects the same from you. he molds them steadily, wanting to take delight in the feeling for as long as hig lungs would permit. specks of snow dust the crests of your cheeks and the tail ends of his eyelashes. they heat in contact with your skin and begin their descent, deliquescing as they stray down the curves of your cheeks, meeting at your mouth that so fervently moving again jaemin's. it's where the cold melts of snow meet the warm mix of salivation.

you wield all the experience you will ever need, yet, it feels like it's your very first kiss, butterflies stirring down in your tummy and all. it never ends, it really doesn't. not when he first parts for air, or when you part the time after that, or even when you notice his mom, hands on her hips, from the window, or when the snow begins to clot at your feet.

you think you love him.

despite all the thoughts that tell you it's cheesy, it's boring, it's lame and conventional, you tell him on valentine's day.

the party is alive, it's at its height, it's roaring and it's ravaging fun. the party is in full swing and as what is now considered usual, neither you nor jaemin are eager in partaking in it, opting to simply hang out in his room, above the loud music and the moans from the opposite ends of all four walls. the door is locked this time and instead of joining the crowd in the main event of fucking each other senseless, the two of you have a small setup on his bed, littered with textbooks, previous exam papers, a fancy charcuterie board, courtesy of the dedicated chef, jaemin himself. you're on your back, feet hitched upon the headboard and laptop positioned at a ninety degree angle on your ninety degree angled legs. jaemin is on the floor rather, using the bed as a makeshift table even though he has an actual table not two feet away.

"i wish we could go to your dorms, it's loud as fuck." in response, you heave a sigh, mind now sidetracked from your work, "a pity i live on the fifth floor, we have no chance in sneaking you in." a thought dawns on him and he wonders why neither of you thought of it before, "let's go to the car."

it's quite the sight and you're sure anyone who's actively paying attention would laugh. jaemin's arms are locked straight up, supporting yours, his computer, and three textbooks, as he navigates the swarm of people to the exit. you're, following in tow, arms held up in similar fashion but instead of a stack of books, you're hoisting the charcuterie board, still abundant with cheese and grapes and a dip of honey. the threat of everything toppling over is very much apparent.

he'd driven a little ways down his street so that the buzz of the party could be left fully behind. the only thing aiding your studying is now the low-grade yellow lights that come with the fold down mirrors. "holy shit, jaem," your mouth waters even as it anticipates its next bite. "what?" he glances over at you. the charcuterie board is hiked on your knees that are drawn to your chest, makeshift tables are all too common today it seems. all the cheese on the board have an identical bite on them, a result of your taste testing but it seems that only one has drawn your liking so much so that you have eaten most the portion provided. "this- the- what's this one?"

"petite jalapeño, why?"

you cover your mouth as you chew hurriedly, "it's so fucking good, babe, with the honey. oh my god, i love you." you've finished chewing but you don't notice what's left your mouth, definitely not food.

"you what?"

you're thoughtlessly thrown into his trap, "i love- fuck."

"you love fuck."

"wait no."

you put the plate on the dashboard, dusting off your hands while your cheeks dust rose under the dingy lights. "i- wait, yeah i," you shift a leg under you, turning to your boyfriend but refusing to look him in the eye. you speak to the outlines of the house two down from his, "i guess i do love you."

"y/n, look at me."

you shy away from him, embarrassed yet overcome with the sudden wash of feelings. you knew this, you do love him, so why is it so hard to voice aloud? he brings his hand to your chin, leans it towards him until you have no choice but to gaze into his loving stare. truth be told, you wouldn't have it any other way.

"i love you too."

your fingers play with your bottom lip, thrusting it up and down, left and right as you mull over which picture to post. "bummer, i look great in this one but you're blinking. ugh." swiping to the next one, you find that it's the last. "here," jaemin unlocks his phone with one hand, holds it out for you, "i think i have some that jaein took, she's better at taking pictures than jeno anyways." taking the device from him, you click into his photos and find the last two hundred or so to be just of you and the lavender fields, he hasn't changed a bit.

jaein does have a lot more sense, "wow my legs look so long in this one," and "geez, that hair flip was entirely unintentional, i must be a natural." jaemin rolls his eyes at that, one hand of his on the wheel while the other makes its way over to your thigh, rubbing a soft, distracted massage.

the first red flag that draws your attention. you're airdropping a cumulative 54 photos to your own phone when you see a name that you had long forgotten in his top three message chats, minyoung. you ignore it. you post the picture. you edit the caption seven times, each time becoming more indecisive than the last while jaemin gives you the incredulest of looks.

you decide to stay at his place for the night, not that it's an inconvenience to drive the extra two minutes back to your place, but just because he wants to spend the night with you. there's no objections, why would there be?

the second red flag that draws your attention. jaemin's showing you something on his phone, a video of a dog maybe, you've forgotten. the text that drops down while the two of you huddle over the screen holds your interest far longer. it's minyoung and she's telling him to come over. you're slightly alarmed, you're boyfriend even more so. he draws his phone back instantly, to your dismay, and you almost want to snatch it from him, to delve into the depths of the chat. you really almost do.

"jaem, what did i just see?"

"y/n, it's not what you think," it irks you that he's so quick to defend. you keep your head on cool for now, "okay, then what was it about?" his eyes shift from yours to the wall behind you, you're surprised they're lined with annoyance. he shakes his head, "nothing."

you're thinking it's all the more reasonable for you to be the one who's annoyed. you bit down harsh on your lip, refusing to give way to any of your many impulses, "if it's nothing then why can't you tell me?"

jaemin glances over at you, fleetingly, "i- it's not something you should be worried about. just, trust me, will you?" rubbing your hands down the fabric of your- his sweatpants, you utter a sigh, not sure of how much longer, how many more times you have to be left in the dark, for you to snap at him. you hope it isn't soon. "jaem, i trust you, i do. but that doesn't mean i'll believe everything you say blindly." you note that, for whatever reason, his pupils are shaking. "at least, not after what i just saw."

"then i don't know what to say. you have to trust me on this."

na jaemin has never been stubborn, or, he's never had a reason to be. everything goes accordingly to the way he wants to, that's how it's always been. maybe it's because of his endearing charms that teachers can never fail him, that compliments are always showered upon him. perhaps it's the way he flatters that makes him so likeable, befriending people is as easy as reciting the alphabet when you've frequented too many parties and met too many people. he knows that when he kisses up, people will bow down, he's never been rejected. it's definitely because of his good looks that girls always spilt their legs open for him, they never say no.

na jaemin gets what he wants, except when he doesn't.

"no."

you leave because you have trust issues, sure, who doesn't, who cares. who cares if there are tears streaming down your face for seemingly stupid reasons? it isn't the first time, it's nowhere near the first time. it's the same feeling you had when you realized your first boyfriend wasn't going to reply back, there's still a read seven years ago below your text. the same feeling when you saw your second kissing your 'best friend.' still all those years ago, when you were two steps away to the lunch table when you heard your third whisper to his friends, "just a stupid bet with a stupid girl." when your fourth told you he lost feelings for you when you were still madly in love with him and when you had to found out from your oldest sister that your fifth was her classmate, in grad school, while you were still in your last year of high school, not even old enough to vote. your sixth trying to strip you of your virginity right after you agreed to be his girlfriend and your seventh basically forgetting you existed. you were getting the same fucking feeling all those months ago when you finally realized your rightful position as 'replacement,' as 'number 2,' as 'poor soul.' maybe distrust is simply inbred in you and though you know the prospects of yours and jaemin's relationship are far from over, you can't deny the gut feeling that your bad luck in men is coming back to haunt you, that it's never left in the first place.

na jaemin forgets that he has a past he can't erase, just like you. the girls he's fucked over the past three years have hearts and they have reasons they began to fuck him in the first place. he couldn't heal their hearts, nor his, but sex did a great deal, made a great deal of people jealous, gave him all he needed at the time. he never expected them to simply go away when he decided to settle down but it seems that his reputation holds so much worth that it's proving hard to overcome it himself. jaemin hates that you date the campus fuckboy, he hates that people still whisper in your ear that he's fucking so-and-so in the dead of night. he hates that he can't get rid of the stigma around his name, even though you know, through and through, that he can't nearly live up to it anymore. you know yet, you leave because of it. his reputation. na jaemin, certified eye candy and delectable dick, wishes he was anyone but himself.

her bare feet shuffling down the hall is the only thing she hears. she wishes they let people wear shoes on the second floor so she could've busted her heels out and clacked her way to his room. she needs the rush of empowerment right now. she needs it.

the next thing she hears is the sound of raised voices right as she is about to shove the door open, the door fifth on the left of the hall to the right of the stairwell, exactly where you'd told her he'd be, albeit reluctantly.

eunmi is taken aback now that she recognizes one of the voices behind the door. minyoung. gritting her teeth, she presses her ear to the wood, careful to keep quiet.

"so you're fucking her now? is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"minyoung, i'm not fucking her. we're dating, it's been that way for awhile," he sounds exasperated, maybe, eunmi can almost see the crease in his brows.

"why didn't you bother to ask me if i was fine with it? we had a thing going, you can't just bail on me like that."

"the only thing we had going was quick fucks every thursday. i'm sorry, but i don't think that's much of a relationship."

her voice is growing impatient, in desperation like she's grasping at loose strings, hanging on to whatever she can find, "this little bitch- does she even know? how much of a dick you are? are you just going to leave her like you did me?"

"stop, minyoung, please,"

but eunmi guesses her point is valid nonetheless, she herself doesn't think very highly of him. "how would she feel if i told her that? that leaving is your specialty? you can fuck me, and all my friends and leave, thinking that we'd never know, but we know, okay? and if you- if you ever think that you'll be satisfied with settling down for this chick, think again jaemin."

eunmi backs into the restroom across the door, for good measure and good sense because minyoung is storming out the second after, unaware of her eavesdropper. a minute and a glimpse later, she knows that jaemin is crouched by the foot of his bed, though she's unsure why.

she braves herself because she's here for answers. reappearing at his door, she calls softly as if raising a white flag, "hey there." jaemin's head snaps up instantaneously in surprise. "oh, hi, what're you doing here?" he lowers himself to sit on the floor and eunmi takes the spot in front of him, wariness in her movements.

"well, i came here for y/n, obviously, but um, i just happened to hear-" she's cut off when jaemin lets out a low groan into his hands. eunmi makes her stance a little clearer now that she has a better feel of the situation, "i'm not here to break up with you for her or anything. she didn't really want me to come, but i guess, i guess i came because we've also had our fair share of...disagreements that i think we should set straight," she pauses, hands fiddling with her thumbs in her lap, "i'm sorry if this is too much after, all that."

he looks relieved at that, "no, it's fine. i- i'm glad you want to, i don't know, make up. i haven't really been all that great of a friend these past years anyway."

eunmi lets a smile slip at that, what an interesting turn of events, "so...friends?"

"friends."

"and just to set the record straight, you're not still fucking minyoung right?"

jaemin rolls his eyes, shakes his head, gesticulates with his hands, "no, i got y/n. she's all i really need." eunmi nods to fill the awkward silence that follows. she's reminded of another inquiry, "so why didn't you just tell her that?"

"i guess i just didn't want her to worry or like- or get involved with my past, stuff like that. i kinda hated how it's dredged up all the time, especially now that i've, i don't know, settled down, committed."

"should've just told her," eunmi deadpans.

"i really should've," jaemin agrees.

"need me to drive you?" jaemin's extra careful with his words today, post-arguments can be fickle, particularly if they're only halfway resolved. your voice is muffled on the other end, "no, i'll walk." jaemin's wishes he'd insisted it instead of simply offering, late spring rains weren't all that uncommon, and even more so when the skies are darkening as they are on this specific day. "it might rain though," he tries again. you decline again, "i'll manage, thank you."

he sees you in ten, fifteen minutes or so, and sure enough, you're drenched head to toe, staring up at him with eyes that bear in mind the tension that hangs in between you and also border the bounds of laughter at how you're dripping wet with no one to blame but yourself. jaemin bites back the 'i told you so' and hurries to get you dried off with a towel, changed, and under the sheets. by then, the tension has subsided considerably.

"you wanna talk about it?"

you're tired, though it hasn't even struck five on the clock, "i thought that's what i'm here for."

"so, i'm not fucking her-"

"nice to know-"

"-just had some loose ends to tie up-"

"-and did you?" jaemin supposes you're far too tired to be emitting the same, resolute aggressions as a few days prior seeing as you're keeping your voice to a minimum and the words that come out are straight to the point, blunt. he does his best to reflect the same straightforwardness.

"i did, she's...off my back, our back...our backs."

you give him a look, scrunch your nose, and tug him by the arms into you. there's a blanket separating you two but he fits exactly against you anyways. you wonder how anyone could ever get in between the two of you if you so perfectly mold alongside him. the bridge of his nose nuzzles down your neck and you're laughing because it doesn't get any better than this, really.

he shuts the light on the bedside table off with an inattentive hand, the blankets are drawn back and he's pulled flush into you. his body heat is welcome on a frigid night and the blanket that falls back on top of him seals the both of you within the confines of his bed for the hours to come. you're starting to think that coming here was more just to cuddle than it was to make up with him.

"i can't get enough of you," his face is in your neck.

"and why is that?"

"because- because everything about you- i feel like i'd be missing out if i never tried to start something with you," he buries himself further in your scent, "it's like i emptied my heart out just so you could fill it back up."

your chin rests on the crown of his head, it tickles him when you speak, now in half wakefulness, "could say the same for you."

jaemin whispers into your ear, breath fanning down onto your neck, words that will only ever be for you, "i would not have you otherwise."

jaemin spent your spring break at your hometown, to meet your parents, both of which loved him dearly. he wouldn't dare voice it aloud but he thinks it's the sweetest that your mother holds you, her youngest daughter, in such high-esteem after bringing home who she thinks to be the 'most gorgeous man alive,' an utterance he was sure was not meant for him to hear.

he likes being the 'most gorgeous man alive,' especially if you were the one who thought so, but as he watches you stare intently at the flynn rider's jawline, his own jaw clenches. tangled is playing as the pre-movie for movie night, the movie that plays before people actually start to arrive since, donghyuck and eunmi are always destined to be at least an hour late. but it's not that that gets him the most riled up that night, riled up isn't even the right word. maybe agitation, at whoever thought it was a good idea to invite mark lee. mark fucking lee, the grad student. the whoever turns out to be chenle and although jaemin does not have it in him to beat the kid up, he is sure as hell watching over the dude from the moment he walks in to the moment he leaves.

more than that, he also keeps his eyes on you as well, tracing your expression with every word his goddamned senior ought to speak. "hey, y/n, how have you been?" jaemin glares. as far as his detective senses go, he figures that marks target for the night isn't you, but rather eunmi. he hopes he can get over this as quickly and neatly as possible. your face twitches into a smile, uncomfortable, he thinks. "fine, i've been fine. you?" jaemin wants to draw you back and tell you that you had no obligation to be so polite, that the 'fine' would have done its job splendidly on its own.

"pretty good myself, looks like things have been happening around here, huh," jaemin hates the way he wriggles his eyebrows, "hyuck and eunmi, you and him." jaemin hates how he just referred to him as 'him,' surely, there was a lot more due respect than that. "yeah, and jeno and jaein but that's-"

"oh psh, old news," the two of you laugh, you laugh with him, with him. jaemin is just about ready to throw hands when mark excuses himself to get a seat on the floor, serves him right, he thinks. you look comparatively calm next to the raging boy. why is he the only one bothered by this?

"you good there? didn't even say a word to him."

he gulps, "yeah, i'm great. just didn't feel like talking."

you're staring at him like you can see right through him, that's exactly the case, "i'm over him, you know?" jaemin scratches at his neck, "yeah, i know." head on his shoulder as the first official movie of the night plays, you sigh, "no need to get all worked up, i'm all yours."

the twentieth century fox theme plays in the background of the romance novel you live in. na jaemin makes you feel that way, unfailingly, every single day. it's written in the ways he kisses you, lovemarks blooming under your skin. it's written in the way he stares at you, with nothing else except pure, unadulterated love. it's written in between the lines, his actions, his thoughts, everything that amounts to so much more than the past years of deprivation you've had to endure. it's written in the stars, out in the countryside where jaemin could never fake a smile, not in the presence of you. with you by his side, not in a million years.

it's here. summer fucking break is finally here. and if there's anything to prove that, it's the way you're currently sitting in a car with all your friends. taking a short little road trip out to the beach. now, mind you, these are the same friends that were there on your drunkest nights, slumped over bar counters and blatantly asking for any hot guy's number. the same friends that accompanied you on your most sober nights, holed up in your single-person dorm room, trying to study for an exam for a class you could never wake up in time for. and among those friends is one who has an added prefix, your boyfriend, na jaemin, who's in the driver's seat per your request since your carsickness prevented you from any other seats and you really wanted him by your side. jaemin didn't seem to mind driving, after all, he was next to you.

the sun is setting too fast and eunmi, sitting in the seat in the far back, complains that they'd have to set up the bonfire right away instead of getting to play in the warm water while it's warm. donghyuck, beside her, is complaining too, but not about the bonfire or even the trip in general, but about eunmi and her legs which are hoisted on his lap, something about how his dingaling needs to breath. jaein, in the seat right behind you is musing on about how she thinks it'll be funny when they arrive and see yeseul and renjun's car torn up in two, neither of them could ever get along. jeno, to her left, is fussing with rubbing sunblock on her, getting angry at how her hair could never stay out of his way.

you glance over at jaemin who has this smile on his face. this smile that makes it seem like he's in adoration of the whole scene panning out in the rearview mirror. he takes a glance over at you too and, if even possible, his smile beams wider, straight pearly whites and all. his hand finds yours.

it's already dark when the eight of you arrive but eunmi isn't complaining anymore since the boys make quick work in getting the bonfire set up while letting the girls play in the water. the ocean water licks at your feet as you watch eunmi and yeseul duel in how much water they could spray at each other, jaein sitting on the shore off to the side, watching as well. you're pondering going over to accompany her when eunmi's hand latches on your left arm and tugs the whole of you into the water with her. it's warm and wouldn't have been entirely unwelcoming had you gotten a notice in advance.

you make fun in chasing them around, kicking up water in eunmi's face one too many times that she begins to choke on the saltiness. yeseul is now on the shore yelling at renjun. and jaein is doing her best with a tent. eunmi, who's back you were currently rubbing, is almost through with her fit and you think the mischievous face she's pulling means another round but she brings up a question instead, "how's he in bed?"

she's right if she assumed you'd chuck another armful of water in her face.

you sigh in annoyance as jaemin tosses the towel over your head once again, unsatisfied with how the tips of your hair were still wet. his fingers are ruffling fast and making quick work to dry the strands but you're upset. "jaemin, babe, we've been standing here for ten minutes, can i go now?" your head resurfaces as he gives the towel one more tug, smiling, "just making sure you don't get sick." he follows as you duck into your shared tent to get ready for the bonfire. "shit, jaem. i didn't bring an extra top," you frown but he only smiles wider and grabs his hoodie from the ground beside the sleeping bags. "lucky for you, then," he tugs the article of clothing over your head, only speaking again once your eyes peek out, "because i love seeing you wear my clothes."

you give him a nose scrunch in return but every word of his, every single word that comes from his mouth is enough to get you swooning. you follow him out the tent.

"so," donghyuck's eyes are playful in the light of the fire, "what game are we playing today?" jeno groans, "do we always have to play some sort of game? why can't we just like…" even he's unsure of what to do. the eight of you are situated around the blazing fire that's, not quite large enough to be a bonfire, but does its job in keeping you warm. jaein perks up after much deliberation, "how about...we go around and each make a wish?"

donghyuck huffs, "fine by me." it starts with jeno, and though you truly value each and every one of your friends' wishes, there's only one that you really remember for the rest of the night, the day, the week, the month, and the years to come. jaemin clears his throat, the rest of the group watching him including you, the you he turns to. you're huddled over on the log beside him, wrapped up in his hoodie and hair an absolute mess. your eyes are heavy and he already knows that once everyone decides to call it a night, you will be the first to leave. you're looking at him in tired anticipation and mild interest, he hopes what he has to say tells you all he needs you to know.

"i already have you, so there's nothing left to wish for."

the rest of the group breaks off into 'oohs' and 'ewws' but you swear that you and jaemin, jaemin and you are stuck in your own little world. his gaze is incredibly soft and endearing, you scoot closer and place a head on his shoulder, his hand coming around your frame in automatic response. leaning into his warmth, you feel closest to home than you ever have before.

jaemin carries you to sleep later that night. and even later that night, or rather early in the morning, when you rustle awake, he's aroused by you as well. the two of you sit on a towel atop the dry sand, right before where the tides ride up the shore. basked in the moonlight, jaemin's skin beams a pale sheen and his eyes are cast over darkly, ethereally, divinely. your head is still on his shoulder and you feel the words vibrate through you when he speaks, "did you have fun today?"

you tuck a lip under your front teeth and nod for him to feel. he asks another question, "how are you feeling?" this time, you aren't able to part with just a shake of your head so you sit up, eyes never leaving the push and pull of the sunless ocean, "i feel...happy."

he looks over at you, not in surprise but in interest, "happy? why do you feel happy?" you shrug almost, musing off whatever comes to mind first, "i don't know, school just ended, this trip, summer break. i have a lot of reasons to be happy." jaemin isn't sulky at that but he does his best to pull his name from you, "and what about me?"

you dare a glance over at the man next to you, his eyes already boring into yours, "well, you too, of course." looking away as quickly as you'd looked over, you mumble quietly, "actually, more because of you than anything." in your peripheries, you see him give you a look that speak 'that's what i thought' and you clip down your smile in favor of a shake of your head.

moving from your spot, you surprise jaemin when you block his view of the seaside. he settles you down into his lap with familiar control, arms cradling you tight to his chest. hand on his neck, you trace it up to his cheek and guide his head down to face yours. jaemin leans in for a soft kiss, lips suckling at your bottom as your teeth tug on his top, slow but sensual, tired but sweet. you pull away for a breath but it's as if he doesn't need to breathe anymore because he chases after your lips almost instinctively. soft kiss after soft kiss is all that's needed for you to pluck up your courage and look him in the eyes, lips detached, and speak the truth your heart has been singing in your ears all along. "jaem," his eyes are hazy as they find yours in the dim light. somewhere in the back, the sun is peeking over the horizon in all its glory but neither of you pay it any mind. "yes, love?" he brushes the hairs from your face, fingers gliding across your cheeks and then fumbling with your bottom lip with his thumb. you blink and you speak.

"i've been waiting for you all my life."

you think back over the past seven months, a little over half a year, that you've had this man in your life, five months of which he was your boyfriend. you wonder how you could've fallen so fast in such a short amount of time. then again, love is rarely ever about how short or how long. it's more about the timing in which everything falls into place, the intensity by which each person loves, their pasts and how willing they are to erase it. falling in love is not about getting it right the first time, to find someone to be your first and last. for you particularly, jaemin is your ninth, and though the prospects of him being your last are still far from true, you know in your heart and in your mind and in every part of your living being that with each coming second, he's a second closer to becoming your last.

✧ end note — if my ex ever sees this, though i truly doubt he will, he gon know i stole one of his lines for jaemin. the wish one. yeah...he always had his way with words, that's about all he had though. but hey, it makes a hell of a good line in this story. i hope you had a good time reading this piece, it was such a pleasure to write. i will see you guys when i wake up for class in three hours hehe. with all the love in the world, rouiyan

#nct jaemin #jaemin fluff #jaemin x reader #neo-constellations #neothestars #nct scenarios #nct fics #nct jaemin fluff #jaemin fics #jaemin angst #na jaemin #nct jaemin fics #maxed the shit out of that 15k #very lightly proofread #will go over later #enjoy for now #<3 #rouiyan fics #rouiyan writes

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