Love Language Test (Crack Post)
Jason: Why are we here, Hazel?
Percy: Yeah, Hazel. Why am I here?
Jason: I said ‘We’.
Percy: My self-preservation meter is all the way up at the moment, Grace.
Hades: As it should.
Hazel: Relax, guys. I just need someone to back me up on this.
Percy: I’m sure Frank or Reyna would have done a good job, Hazel.
Hazel: Frank and Reyna don’t know what’s going on between Nico and Lord Aeon as much as you two.
Jason: Great.
Percy: I actually don’t know as much. I only know stuff from what Jason tells me.
Jason: Thank you for putting me on the spotlight, Jackson.
Percy (grins): You’re so very welcome, Grace.
Hazel: Anyway, Father just wants to make sure everything is... okay.
Percy: So, you brought us here because you can’t test Nico’s boyfriend directly.
Hades: The only thing you’re testing here is my patience, Jackson.
Percy (gulps): Sorry. But you have to admit, our family tree is really messed up.
Jason & Hazel: No objections there.
Jason: Do you have a list of questions, Lord Hades? Or should we go through each love language?
Hazel: What’s that?
Jason: It’s... you don’t know? Piper told me about it a long time ago. It’s how we express and receive love. That kind of stuff.
Percy: Interesting conversations you’re having.
Jason: It was actually an interesting conversation.
Hazel: Then we’ll go by that.
Jason: Okay. There’s five in total. First one is words of affirmation.
Hazel: He passes with flying colors.
Percy: If there was a test, he would have scored over a 100.
Jason (to Hades): He’s really smitten with Nico, Lord Hades. This is coming from someone around them almost all the time during summer.
Hades (frowns): Next one.
Jason: Quality time. Is it a pass if he’s around Nico all the time, with the exception of when it’s curfew?
Percy: Is it in an obsessive creepy way?
Hazel: Not really. From what I heard from Nico, he’s very respectful of his space when Nico asks to be left alone.
Hades (grunts): Next one.
Jason: Receiving gifts. In this case, him giving gifts.
Percy: Does the universe count?
Hades: What?
Percy: Your son-in-law promised to give him the universe. The only difference, coming from his mouth, he could actually do it.
Hades: He’s not my son-in-law.
Percy: Uh-huh. (Thinking) How will you even refuse a primordial?
Hazel: Oh! I heard one time from Nico that he tried gifting him a snow globe.
Jason: That sounds... normal.
Hazel: Except inside that snow globe was the entire universe.
Jason, Percy & Hades: What?!
Hazel: Nico almost dropped it when he found out. He drew a line there.
Jason: As he should!
Hazel: He’s working on getting him to understand the mortal ways.
Jason: Should we consider that a pass then?
Percy: When have you had someone promise you the universe and actually deliver on that promise?
Jason: Fair point. The fourth one is acts of service. It’s what you do for your partner.
Percy: Dude, he defied the Fates by saving you when you were facing Caligula. You should have died that day.
Hades: The Fates were unhappy.
Percy: Nico would have been unhappy. An unhappy Nico equates to an unhappy Aeon. Would the gods rather deal with the Fates or a Primordial who can control the Fates?
Hades: Neither.
Percy: Same.
Hazel: It’s a pass then.
Jason: Okay. The last one is physical touch.
Percy: ...
Jason: ...
Hazel: ...
Hades: One of you better start speaking.
Hazel: Well, Nico said that he’s very respectful.
Hades: How respectful is very respectful?
Jason (gulps): Hand holding?
Hades: Elaborate, son of Zeus.
Jason (to Percy): You know too. You tell Lord Hades.
Percy: I have self-preservation, Grace.
Jason: Traitor.
Hazel: They hold hands and umm... he kisses Nico’s hands, cheeks and forehead too...?
Hades: You sound unsure, child. As if you’re not telling me everything.
Percy: I wouldn’t tell everything too if my friend’s father can easily bury me underground with the wrong answer.
Hades: I wouldn’t bury my daughter, but that is something I consider I would do with you and Jason Grace.
Jason: (elbows Percy)
Percy: (glares)
Hazel: They kiss too... on the lips. (blushing)
Hades: ...Are you telling me he has already defiled my son?
Jason: No! Not like that. Nico wouldn’t-! (blushing) He’s not that age yet, and Lord Aeon is very respectful in that regard.
Hades: So, he is planning.
Percy: This is not a talk I want to be involved in.
Hades: I may not be able to kill a primordial, but I can kill you, Jackson.
Percy: Why me?!
Hades: You are him.
Percy: That’s not fair!
Nico (steps into the room): What are you all doing...? Why is father here?
Aeon: (steps into the room)
Hades: (disappears)
Jason: Uhh...
Aeon: I heard all of it, just so you know.
Jason, Hazel & Percy: (laughs awkwardly)
Nico (to Aeon): What did you hear?
Aeon: Some sort of love language test because your father can’t test your boyfriend.
Nico: (blushes a bright red)
Aeon: Your father was worried for your chastity and was prepared to kill Percy as some indirect way of killing me.
Nico: That’s! I would never-! I’m still sixteen!
Aeon: He’s considering in advance.
Nico (to Hazel, Jason and Percy): Please don’t talk to Father again about this.
Jason: Percy and I had no plans! Hazel dragged us into this.
Percy: This friendship is very exhausting. Please give me at least a week to heal from this near-death experience.
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