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kaijurakunsobs · 3 years

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You will feel joy, one day

master list for this series

sorry for the wait y'all, I had to torture myself into listening to the same song to get the inspo I needed for this next chapter which is READYMADE - Ado (it has English subtitles btw)

Hope you guys enjoy this!

Summary: It's been clear from the start that you won't go down without putting up a fight, the tone in your voice and stand are nothing but infuriating for Heisenberg, just like his mere presence fills you with annoyance. The factory is enormous and whatever he's doing here could get you killed, but even in this kingdom of oil and rusted metal, there's a bit of kindness.

Right now, you would accept the title of naive, because you were when you thought this man would share his secrets with you, instead...he's giving you a fucking tour of the entire place, wildly pointing and all the doors and doing sharp turns, taking you up and down flights of stairs "I hope you don't get lost, darlin', we don't want you ending in the wrong place, right?" there's mockery in his voice as he speaks over his shoulder, halting to a stop and making you trip and crash against him.

"This is the boiler room, you might want to familiarize yourself with this place in particular" a snarky smile appearing on his lips

Peeking inside makes you go pale and sigh in frustration, it's a mess, you can see cables, crudely fixed with tape, more flammable materials, and so many oil spills on the ground, "I can also familiarize with the rest of the fabric because this dump could explode any day"

His smile falls and that expression of annoyance, that just seems to be for you, comes back in no time. Releasing a cloud of smoke he turns around and starts walking faster, slowly regaining his showman's voice and the exuberance of his movements renew with the occasional laugh, is enough to make you tune him out again, looking at whatever you find more interesting, nose scrunching up with whenever there's something that unsettles or makes you question this man's leadership and care for this place. If you do take the role of helping him, you know you're gonna exploited day and night.

He's not blind or stupid, he knows you are doing everything but listening to him, every time he looks over his shoulder to make sure you are following and paying him some god damn attention, he will always see you eyeing everything, dissecting the place, and doing a face that just speaks volumes of how unimpressed you are by his life's work, but it's not like he will tell you about his plans, it's too soon for that, what if you are just a little spy under Miranda's orders?

It rubs him the wrong way how adamant she was on you being under his orders, super-sized bitch didn't raised too much hell, which also puts him on edge, it just doesn't feel normal for him. In any other situation where Miranda has favored him over Dimitrescu, and it wasn't because "mother" gave her that heartfelt speech Karl being all alone on his iron tower, Moreau is the forgotten child of the bunch and has to beg for almost everything, Miranda is already pissed with Donna and her botanical gig, let alone, the way she uses her cadou to just make dolls move.

That left him in the position akin to a middle child, he's just there, occasionally remembered and rarely to give him treats or surprises. He's used to scavenging for materials, do the occasional grave robbing or take the corpses the other Lords leave behind.

So, why did she left you with him?

"Lastly but no less important! the living quarters"

You have been so lost in thought, you didn't noticed that his "fantastical tour" is over, and you are back to the front of the complex...shit, you didn't even paid attention to where everything is, you're gonna get so lost if you try to navigate this place on your own.

After entering the brute closes the door behind you and goes to the left office, you can hear him mumbling under his breath and things being moved around, you don't know how long he's going to be in there, so you turn your attention to the rest of the room.

From everything you have seen, this place is the cleanest one and it makes you think of the layout in your family's factory. It looks like he repurposed what used to be the waiting area, there's a kitchen in the right corner, a couple of sofas that had seen better days, a lot of blueprints have been left on the coffee table. To the left, it's the main office, a lot bigger and the tinted glass on the door has the name Heisenberg hand-painted on it, classy, you suppose that that's his room? you don't care, opting for getting close to the blueprints, his handwriting is atrocious and there are notes everywhere, how interesting, one of the workers used to say that was a sign of a brilliant mind.

"You are not allowed to go there, a'right?" hearing him so close makes you jump, when did he come back? from the tone of his voice, you might be right, it's either his bedroom "This one, however! this one is just for you" he says oh so sweetly when pointing at the smaller office to the right opening the door rather unceremoniously.

Now you get why the rest of this area is so clean and clutter-free, motherfucker pushed all the trash and old furniture in there, it's dusty and the air, somehow, is stale only in this place, you can see cobwebs "Since I'm being kind enough to let you sleep on this side and not in the cellars, I think is fair that you take care of the mess, don't you think?"

"Can't I just sleep in one of the couches?"

"Of course not, we don't want my precious mechanic to get sick, right?" condescending asshole, he even smiles at you, showing you his teeth in what you identify as an act of intimidation

"Of course we don't want that, my Lord! but, I do must say, you have been ill-mannered, showing me around your domain yet...you haven't told me your name when introductions were supposed to be made long ago" it's your turn to give him teeth flashing smile, his going a bit forced

"Well you see sweetheart, I would have done it earlier, but I came encountered a disrespectful brat that decked me in the face as soon as we met"

"Really now? Perhaps, this brat was done with being manhandled and reacted accordingly to how they felt" the sardonic smile on your face grows and you can see how much it pisses him off, and that shouldn't make you proud.

The man is looking, more like attempting, to look down on you, clicking his tongue loudly and in a dissatisfied manner, with complete derision, he gives you, the closest thing to a respectful bow "My name is Karl Heisenberg and I'm one of the four Lords working under Miranda's orders"

In response, you give him a curtsy and use your best sarcastic tone, just for him "It's such an honor to meet you, my lord. I must say I'm no noble but I do HOPE you may remember the name of this pheasant girl, Y/N, L/N Y/N"

He doesn't appreciate the way you talk to him or how you don't even try to hide how little you respect or fear him, but he needs you alive to accelerate and optimize the factory's production, under other circumstances? he would have thrown you down to let the Sturm have some fun, but he won't, at least for now.

"So, Miss Y/N...let me give you a...welcoming gift" he's harsh when trusting a bundle of crumpled clothes and old boots into your arms, pushing you back hard enough that you almost lose your balance "I don't expect you to always wear my hand-me-downs, this is a momentary arrangement"

"Oh my! so generous of you, to clothe this poor village girl with your own garments, I am so thankful for this, however, if I may ask for a tiny favor...can I know where your bathroom is? I don't what to soil this fine fabric with my dirty body"

You don't like the way he smiles at you, with one hand he grabs your shoulder and with the other he opens the door, pushing you towards what used to be the employee's showers, there's mold and broken mirrors, a lot of the shower heads are gone and the only one that seems to be functioning is leaking.

"Serve yourself, princess, just know this...there's only cold water, the hot water stopped working years ago and I haven't felt like repairing it, I hope you enjoy your shower!"

And with that, he leaves you, finally alone but unnerved on how easily he could come back and just stare at you like a creep. But you need a shower, there's grime and dirt caked to your body and it's starting to get disgusting and itchy. So you swallow your pride and leave the borrowed clothes over the small wall separating the showers from the rest of the place and brace yourself to what might be the worst moment of the day so far.

Later you are cursing him as loud as you can, he didn't lie when he said that only the cold water worked, but you would say it was freezing, his clothes are uncomfortably big on you, and smell of faint sweat and like these were left tucked away for a long time, the boots are the best part, these have been broken in nicely and they fit you...who are you kidding? the damn things are falling apart and you feel like a clown with how big they are.

That has left you with the shining crown of the shit show that's been this whole day! the trash in your new room, you had to box so many useless papers, look everywhere to find one measly broom, and use the remains of the gown you came in with to keep your hair out of your face and as a bandana to cover your nose and mouth.

From all the old furniture in the room, the only useful stuff is the old desk, a sofa that somehow survived without being eating by termites but might be infested with cockroaches, and a lamp. It's not much, but it's something.

All this moving around now has brought a new problem.

You are starving.

You can't remember when Miranda took you, let alone when was your last meal or if you were fed during your time in the cell. But Heisenberg's fridge is empty, there's only a handful of onions and those have roots and sprouts coming out already. There's nothing substantial in the cupboards or anywhere for that matter.

You doubt there might anything to eat in this place, but, you better give it a try, better die trying than going to sleep with a grumbling stomach, right? But, you didn't learn jackshit from him and you can't remember anything from the directions Heisenberg gave you.

Fuck it.

Slowly you creep out of the small apartment and peek outside, looking around assures you that the coast is clear. This could be a great learning experience! no matter how much of a dick this man is, there's something of value in his words and maybe, just maybe, you should pay more attention when he talks...MAYBE.

The place is a labyrinth of stairs, broken walls turned into hallways and sealed doors, you do have half a mind to remember which doors and areas he pointed as "out of bounds" for you, which is a surprise, seeing how massive the place is.

Under the stench of grease and smoke, you notice, the tasty scent of stew...close, very close, your poor stomach twisting painfully and mouth rapidly filling with saliva, you start following the heavenly aroma until you reach an old cargo lift, a large man sits there and for a moment that makes you stop in your tracks.

The man is surrounded by bags and crates filled with stuff from fruits to what you guess are various pieces of machinery and other objects hard to identify in the low light "Aaaaah...a new customer perhaps? You must be Lord Heisenberg's new assistant, are you not?"

He smiles with true kindness and something similar to pity, meaty hands adorned with gold rings beacon you close "Come come, miss...?"

"Uuuuuuuh...I'm Y/N, nice to meet you..."

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance miss Y/N, you may call me The Duke"

There's something infectious in him that makes you relax your shoulders and walk closer to him "So...what do you do here Duke?"

"What? well, I'm nothing but a humble merchant, occasionally I set up shop here in the factory, especially when I have a delivery or things that may spark Lord Heisenberg's interest, and now that you are here, I will make a note to bring stuff you could use too"

"I...I would appreciate the gesture, thanks" the small sincere smile in your face drops when your stomach decides to grumble loud enough to be heard by the Duke, the man laughing at the sound, making your embarrassment worst.

"Would like to accompany me with dinner, dear? I have made plenty and this could be a small...celebratory feast for you"

"Celebratory? no offense, but...there's nothing to celebrate"

"Aren't you alive and able to walk?" he's so careful when serving some stew in a bowl, making sure not to spill a drop "I think that surviving whatever happened to you, is worth celebrating"

The bowl is warm in your hands and the smell is just divine, you take a seat on the floor waiting for the Duke to serve his bowl and then you dig in, sighing in appreciation when the rich taste of the broth fills your mouth, the softness of the meat and the carrots. You can see the Duke smile with pride when you compliment his cooking, enjoying each spoonful to the fullest.

"It's getting quite late Y/N and Lord Heisenberg is one to rise early, I suggest you go to bed or you end up feeling too tired tomorrow"

"Yeah...thanks for the meal Duke, I really appreciate it"

"Don't mention it and remember, the Duke's Emporium is here to satisfy all your shopping needs!"

You bid the man farewell and do the trek back to your room, taking time to memorize the way to the lift and the living quarters, the man might be a merchant but you want to get to know more about him, he seems nice, he's been the nicest one so far.

The living area feels cold and so terribly empty, there's no sign of Heisenberg anywhere, which you are thankful for. Only after entering your room and laying on your "bed", waiting a bit to hear any sound that might belong to the Lord, when only the sounds of the factory echo back to you do you dare to cry.

It starts slowly, your eyes fixated on the ceiling, then the flood gates open and you start to sob and scream, tears running down the side of your face to get lost in your hair leaving wet patches in their wake. But your crying evolves into fear, panic, raged breathing, and asking hands, all the weight of what happened today swallows you whole.

You don't know where to start, the way you growled at Heisenberg in the church, HOW he was able to move heavy metal without touching it? and all those corpses suspended ton hooks...the howls and things banging against the doors, the cruelty in how Heisenberg tossed you around and screamed in your face. How do you even managed to put and kept that brave face on when you were so scared is beyond you, you did it and that's enough.

The rapid and irregular movement of your chest does nothing but make your side hurt, the pain shoots up and down your body, making you curl on your side to alleviate the pressure if only a bit.

You want to die...but not like this, not terrified for your existence, not at the hands of a volatile man that can crush you with his hammer any day.

You want to live, but to live with your life depending on how well you perform your role? that's not a life at all.

Exhaustion and fatigue eventually take you away into a dreamless sleep, your last thought is...what's going to happen tomorrow?

You don't know, but as the Duke said, you survived whatever Miranda did to you and you will survive this too, no matter what, you will live.

#karl heisenberg #resident evil village #karl heisenberg x reader #re8 #x reader #the duke

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padme-parker · 4 years

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no regrets [AU!Anakin Skywalker x Reader]

Summary: You leave Anakin, only a letter in your place.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: some swear words I think, angst, mentions of cancer, some fluff if you look hard enough, this is pretty fucking cliche btw!

A/N: so I was listening to Lewis Capaldi’s discography and that shit was so sad. Like all of his songs are so fucking sad that it inspired me to write this. Mainly the songs: “Forever”, “Fade.”, “Before You Go.” and “Headspace.” (I highly suggest listening to his songs while ur reading!) along with a handful of songs I was listening to while writing this. Also this is my first time uploading my writing so forgive me if it's all over the place. I was just excited to write this lol.

The thumping of the bass made his ears ring, that’s the first thing Anakin noticed when he got home. He was totally and completely shitfaced, drunk out of his mind. The next thing he noticed was the deafening silence. Sure, it was midnight but he knew how much of a night owl you were. He also knew how much you loved to paint at night, a slight breeze from the open window, and music quietly playing in the background. Loud enough just to be heard by the two of you, quiet enough so he could hear the stroke of your brush against the canvas. Oftentimes he would come up behind you, lightly grasping your hips and began to sway along to the music. And some nights he would just sit back and watch you. However tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Tonight would be different, and the next night, and the night after that. Anakin walked towards the bedroom, careful not to wake you just in case you were asleep. When he walked into the room, his eyes immediately searched for you, but landed upon emptiness, that’s when it caught his attention. The last thing he noticed was the envelope placed upon his pillow.

Grasping the envelope, Anakin took out its content. It was a letter, just for his eyes.

Dear Anakin,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Believe me, I wish I could’ve done this in person but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I write this letter, you’ll be out celebrating with Obi Wan and Padme. Enjoying life, that’s what you should be doing. And I know it must be shitty to come home to this, but I just couldn’t leave while you were still here. There were so many things I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. But you deserve to know this.

The truth is, I don’t love you anymore, Anakin. I’m not sure when I fell out of love with you, but the one thing I knew was that I couldn’t stay and drag you down with me. Sometimes I wonder how we got here, how I got us here. Then I remembered why, him. In the past six months I met someone else. At first we were just friends. But there was something between us, a connection. The second I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, there you were. Anakin, you were- and still are my world, but he’s my whole fucking universe. Without him I feel like I’d cease to exist. Each day, the more I fell in love with him, the more I fell out of love with you. Until one day, I came to my senses and realized what the hell I was doing. All those days I spent with him, coming home late at night, you never questioned me. Stars Anakin, I’m so sorry I took advantage of your trust. I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought this would happen.

You deserve to be happy. But we both know that’s not something I can give you. You deserve to be able to move on without ever having to see me again. That’s why I’ve decided to leave. Not just move out of the apartment, or town, but move out of state altogether. Please don’t come looking for me.

I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Anakin, I love you so much, but we’re just not meant to be. You were my epic love, not my soulmate. But remember, you’re still someone who had a huge impact on my life. I don’t think I could ever forget you, nor do I think that I want to. I know that even on my deathbed, I’ll be thinking of you.

Forever Yours,

Y/N

P.S. take the time you need Anakin, but don’t get hung up on me. There are people out there who love you, you just don’t see it yet.

He let out a sharp breath, dropping the letter, and began to sob. For the next hour, all he could do was cry. He struggled to breathe, he couldn’t believe what he was reading. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was I not enough? He wanted to scream, but chose not to, sparing his neighbors from hearing his sorrows. Anakin was spiraling, he was heaving now. Struggling to breathe he crawled out of his room and into the living room. Your painting materials still left in the corner, easel propped up, and miscellaneous pieces of art scattered across his home.

Anakin couldn’t escape from you, you were unknowingly ripping the air out of his lungs. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of you. It was ironic really, how was he supposed to move on if he had to see everything that reminded him of you.

A couple of years passed since you disappeared from Anakin’s life. He had moved on but deep down inside he never really did recover. He was sad at first, but then became angry. How could you use him like this? But of course, like you promised, there were people there for him. Obi Wan and Padme had always been there for him, especially Padme. She was the first one to check up on him when he wasn’t returning their calls. The first to get him to stop crying, the first to cheer him up, the first to get him to go out again, and the first person to say “I love you.” since you’d left. Anakin had felt like he was betraying you, he had fallen in love with someone who wasn’t you, but then he remembered what you did and said. He had the right to move on with someone else.

When Anakin felt like he was ready, six month after your breakup, he asked Padme to be his girlfriend. A year and a half later, he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. Nine months later, they welcomed their twins into the world.

Both Obi Wan and Padme had been there by his side, along with Dean. He met Dean at the bar, both of them looking like shit. It started with a simple nod, then their small group of three now had four people. Dean became close to Obi Wan and Padme too, helping Anakin to return to his life before you left. It was going well until today.

Anakin moved out of his old apartment a long time ago. He donated most of your belongings and sold your paintings. Except for one. It was a painting that the two of you had created together. A minimal black outline of your silhouettes from your favorite photo together. Simple, but it had meaning to it. The picture itself was taken at a party, a drink in your hand while Anakins was thrown over your shoulder. You were smiling at the camera, drink aimed towards it. However, Anakin was looking at you, a big goofy smile on his face. If there was one memory of you he wanted to keep, it was that one. So instead of selling the painting, he kept it. Obviously he didn’t hang it up, instead he kept in it buried deep inside his closet. Only taking it out whenever he really missed you.

Even though he kept the painting, every aspect of you was completely erased. It’s like you never existed to him. Instead of lining the halls with pictures of the two of you, they were filled with pictures of Anakin and Padme. A small polaroid of them on their first date. A picture at the bar of Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, and Dean. A bunch of wedding pictures. And finally, pictures of his family. He’d memorized every corner of his new home, never wanting to forget about it because he knew at any given moment, his life could be ripped from his fingers. Everything had been ingrained into his memory, from the toys scattered across the floor to the pristine kitchen. Where Padme was currently making dinner, “Hey Ani, you’ve got some mail, I put it on the table.” He walked towards the table and picked up the envelope, he could recognize your handwriting. Anakin felt like the world was playing a sick joke on him, after all these years, why would you write back now?

“Hey Padme, I’m gonna go change real quick.” He didn’t wait for Padme’s reply before he ran off to his closet, he knew he needed to be alone when he read its contents. Locking the door, he ripped open the envelope and took out your letter.

Anakin,

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but you deserve to know the truth. The real reason as to why I left. By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. Remember how I told you that I had met someone new? That was a lie. In those six month, I was at multiple doctors' offices getting tested. I knew something was wrong with me but none of the doctors could tell me why. Until one was able to. I had stage 3 ovarian cancer, the chances of me surviving were low. That’s why I left.

Anakin’s eyes went wide, the paper shaking in his hands. “Cancer… she has..” he whispered to himself, he could feel the tears starting to roll down his face. All this time, he hated her for something she never did.

I knew how much you wanted to have a family, and it was something I wanted to give you. But when I found out that I couldn’t do that, I knew you’d be crushed. This was something we both had dreamed of. It was easier for me to make up a lie. I wouldn’t allow myself to put the both of us through this pain. You shouldn’t have to bear my burdens. I wasn’t going to let you waste your life away trying to take care of me. So I hid the truth from you and left like a coward. Understand that I needed you to hate me, Anakin. That you wouldn’t come looking for me or just expect me to come back one day. Even though I did want to come back, I had to hold myself back. I knew you were going to move on eventually.

Do you remember the guy I was talking about? The one who I was so “madly in love with” that I left you? Yeah, well his name is Dean, He’s one of the nurses who was taking care of me during those six months, and for the past couple years he’s been my eyes. Anakin, I never fell out of love with you. Even as I lay on my deathbed, you’re all I can think about.

Dean says that you’ve moved on and married Padme. I’m going to be honest, at first I was shocked and a little sad. But then I remembered why I did this in the first place. Anakin, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Even when we were still together I could tell how much love she had for you. She didn’t act on her feelings because I was still there, which I’m grateful for. But once I left, she saw the opportunity to comfort you, so she did. You looked at me like I was your whole world, but Padme, she looks at you like your her whole damn universe. Truth is, you weren’t my world, you��re my fucking universe Anakin, even if you don’t know it. You weren’t just my epic love, to me, you were my soulmate. But you and Padme? The two of you are soulmates, made for eachother. Dean has shown me pictures of the two of you. I’ve never seen you so happy, even when we were together. I know she brings out a side of you that I was never able to.

There was a point where I was getting better and I wanted to come back. To apologize and maybe try again, but Dean advised against doing so. At that moment in time, you had just proposed to Padme. Who was I to come back into your life just to take away your happiness? So I watched from afar. I watched as you went on with your life and completely forgot about me. And I did it with a smile on my face, because you were happy. Anakin, simply knowing that you were happy and content with your life made me happy, even if I wasn’t the cause of it. For a while, I was better. Then it got worse, my cancer got more aggressive. From there, I was condemned in my own home.

As the months went on, I got more sick and closer to death. After your wedding, Dean came over to my place and showed me videos of you and Padme. I couldn’t help but let out a few tears, you were getting everything you wanted. I really wish I could’ve been there to see you, Ani, but I wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding. I was so ecstatic for you when I’d heard that you were having a child! Twins nonetheless, you must’ve been radiating joy. I really am happy for you Anakin. I only wanted the best for you.

Do you remember the night on the rooftop? You cooked dinner for us on our two year anniversary. It was the most romantic thing anyone had done for me. Do you also remember what we promised to each other? “No regrets.” As simple as it was, I broke our promise, Ani. I regret not telling you. I regret leaving you. I regret ever hurting you. Anakin, I am deeply sorry for any pain I’ve caused you. But if I hadn’t left, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. Do you regret not looking for me?

Anakin stopped reading for a second to think, did he regret how things played out? He wiped his tears before continuing,

Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve loved to stay with you, Anakin, but I couldn’t let myself. I hope the universe will continue giving you what you want, because you deserve it, Ani. You deserve to be happy.

Forever Yours,

Y/N Y/L/N

P.S. somewhere across the stars and galaxies, I’ll be watching over you. I’ll always be with you.

Anakin dropped to the floor, the letter along with him. Muffled sobs could be heard on the other side of the door, but Padme was too preoccupied to hear. Why didn’t I go after her? Why didn’t I try harder? Why didn’t I notice? He asked himself. The truth was that Anakin did regret not going after you, he regretted not trying to get closure from you. Because he knew that if he had gone after you, you would’ve told him the truth. He knew you would tell him the truth because he knew that you couldn’t look him in the eyes and lie to him. That’s why you left, only leaving a letter behind. And he knew if you told him the truth, he would have forgiven you. He would’ve spent the rest of his life, right next to you. Making sure you were alright. Anakin knew he would’ve taken you back in a heartbeat, because he still loves you. Even after you falsely broke his heart and left him, his love for you outweighed the hate he felt.

He got up somberly walking towards the hidden painting. He took it into his hands along with another object. He sat back down, now clutching the memory to his chest. His heart felt heavy, but nothing felt heavier than the small black velvet box resting upon his grasp.

“No regrets, huh?”

(A/N): Okay so I know that the goodbye letter is all over the place, but if I was writing a letter to someone I love, my thoughts wouldn’t be able to process properly. So forgive me if some of it seemed random, I’m still new to this stuff. I also feel like this is very cliche but when I heard Forever, my mind was immediately like “omg this song is good inspo for a sad fic.” I also feel like I should’ve added more flashbacks but I’m not sure where they would’ve been placed.... anyways I hope you enjoyed it :)

#anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin skywalker angst #anakin skywalker x reader angst #au!anakin #au!anakin skywalker #star wars

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alwaysanotherrainbow · 4 years

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my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM: You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

#remrom #remrom writing #my fics

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wereallsaloonaticshere · 4 years

Note

I love having characters discuss media they like / characterization-through-fandom so maybe have A Boy of choice discuss their favorite movie and everyone else reacts?

Okay so this isn’t very good, but I guess I like how I wrote Eduardo. Basically teenage Eduardo, Jon and Mark lowkey larp as their old west ancestors, Eduardo Juan and Marco, while waiting at a park for Edd Tom and Matt to come larping as their respective ancestors, Edward Thompson and Matthew.

Critique is welcomed but idk why you’d wanna do that with this piece lmao.

Word count: roughly 1,400.

“Barbie and the Diamond Castle,” Juan said, biting into his very authentically old west McDonald’s Mcdouble.

Eduardo’s laughs quickly turned to wheezing coughs. “God, Jon, what’re you, my niece?”

“Who?” Juan looked at him expectedly.

“Fine, Juan.” Eduardo said, “why’d you choose the most feminine movie out there? Not enough reasons to not have sex with you yet?”

“I just really like it, okay?” Juan said, “the animation’s really cute, the songs are nice, and I watched it at least once a month until I was seven.”

“Jesus you’re gayer than me.” Marco said.

“Haha, I think my parents are still waiting for me to come out,” Juan laughed.

“What’s your favorite scene from the movie?”

“I’m sorry are we seriously talking about fucking Barbie movies now?” Eduardo said, “this is supposed to be a stake out.”

“We had to listen to you play Mindless Self Indulgence the entire car ride here, so shut your mouth.”

“What are you talking about? I had my earbuds in.”

“You were blasting it.”

“Oh, that’s why your mother kept looking at me weird through the front view mirror.” Eduardo said, “that sucks.”

“It’s okay, I think she’s come to terms with the fact that I’m friends with exclusively delinquents.”

“Hey!”

“Just kidding, just kidding.”

“That’s mean, Mark. O. M-Marco.”

“Hypocrite.” Eduardo said.

“Anyways,” Marco rolled his eyes, “what about Barbie and her castle and your obsession with them both?”

“I don’t like it anymore! Just when I was a kid,” Juan said. “And it wasn’t her castle, they were actually really poor, they just had to travel to the castle to save a girl trapped in a mirror and the concept of music.”

“...Huh?” Eduardo said.

“I don’t remember the plot very well, but I think that’s about it.”

“Huh. Sounds like something my niece would actually like.” Eduardo said, “they wear dresses in those movies, right?”

“Yeah of course, it’s Disney.”

“Can you text me a picture of the main girl? I’ll draw her in the dress and give it to her on her birthday.”

“Aw, how sweet! Sure.” Juan, the infamous old west bandit, got out his phone and texted Eduardo the main girls.

“When are Edd, Tom and Matt supposed to come, anyways?” Marco asked, “my mom’s picking us up in a couple of hours.”

“Shut up Mark, they’ll be here,” Eduardo said, looking out across the grass and duck pond.

“How do you know?” Juan asked, collecting the group's trash to throw away. “You said Edd has bad handwriting, maybe you read it wrong.”

“I didn’t read it wrong! Trust me, they’ll be here. They’re fuckin’ nerds and their ancestors were these cool action hero guys, of course they’ll wanna larp as them!”

“I thought you said they weren’t cool at all?” Juan asked, “and that their ancestors were gay or something?”

“Of course they’re not actually cool!” Eduardo said, “but they sure thought they were, so I’m just explaining their train of thought.”

“Couldn’t we just larp as our ancestors?” Juan asked, “it would be fun, and a lot less stressful.”

“I thought that’s what we were doing?” Marco asked, tugging at his cheap brown bandanna Juan had found at Walmart the day before.

“I mean, I guess, but it’s not really authentic if we keep talking about Barbie and cars.”

“Then stop talking about fucking Barbie, problem solved,” Eduardo said. “Now make use of that second pair of binoculars, I think I see their car.”

“Fine.”

“...I wonder if Marco was gay.” Marco said, watching the ducks sleep.

“What d'ya mean?” Eduardo asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Obviously I know there were quite a few gay people in the old west, it’s just funny to think about. How different of a life he would’ve led.”

“I found a photo of him kissing a guy on google.” Juan said, getting out his phone to find it again.

“Really?” Eduardo turned to face him, the car having driven past the parking lot. “How?”

“I remember hearing Edd talk about how that detective’s diary was really gay and thought about if that made Marco’s ancestor gay, to.”

“Well not everyone in my ancestral line was gay, you know.”

“Yeah but the detective looked a lot like Edd, and Marco looked a lot like you, so I figured it only made sense to check. Here.” Juan handed Marco his phone. “It doesn’t say who the guy is.”

“Wait, so are you saying you think Edd’s gay?” Eduardo lit up and put his fingers together like a pyramid, “oh that’s interesting.”

“What, are you planning on outing him to the school or something?” Marco asked.

“No, of course not!” Eduardo said, “I just think it’d be something to bring up.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Come on, he’s bullied you for being gay before!”

“That was a year ago, and that doesn’t mean he deserves the same treatment!”

“Mark-”

“Marco.”

“-Mark,” he glared at Juan, “just drop it, okay? If they don’t show up we won’t be able to catch them being idiots, so we’ll have to find some other way to do it!”

“Why do we need to? Have you ever considered that maybe if you stopped picking fights with them they’d leave us alone?”

“Me?! They’re the ones that pick fights with us!” Eduardo slammed his fist down on the table, making the old wood wobble, “don’t you remember when we were in English and they told the teachers we were the ones that started that knife fight, when really it was them? Or when they were throwing knives at each other, and then stashed them in my locker when they heard a teacher coming? Or when that girl got stabbed-”

“Look, I get it, they suck, but at some point we become just as bad as them.” Marco reasoned.

“...”

An alarm went off in Marco’s pocket.

“Hey, it’s almost 7. We should be packing up.”

Eduardo sighed, “...fine.”

Juan threw away their trash as they were walking back to the parking lot. Marco took his bandanna off and stuffed it in his pocket.

“Are you able to eat dinner at my place?” Mark asked.

“You sure your parents would want me over again?”

“What are you talking about? Of course. Why not?”

“I don’t know, I just got the impression I annoyed them last time.”

“You didn’t. So, can you come?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think to ask my parents.”

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah sure.” Eduardo got out his phone and texted his mom.

“I won’t be able to come, my grandma’s over and dad’s making stew.” Juan said.

“Oh, nice.”

“Yeah, it is.”

The ducks walked out of their way as they passed.

{i really am just writing the most boring shit rn, huh? I mean i guess its realistic.}

“Okay I can go, she said to be home by 10.” Eduardo put his phone away.

“Excellent.”

“Your dad isn’t gonna gril me about colleges again, is he?”

“Hey, if I have to deal with it then so do you.” Mark smirked.

“It’s just annoying to hear him talk about all these engineering colleges.” He rolled his eyes, “as if I want to drive myself insane with those classes.”

“He’s only doing it because he wants you to have a nice job.”

“...I can have a nice job as a painter too.” Eduardo said, but the bite was gone.

{my moms getting mcdonalds i cant wait im so hungry its literally 10pm} {its 1230 now and btw i loved it}

“It’s your choice.”

“Have you decided what college you want to attend yet, Marco-Mark?” Jon asked.

Eduardo chuckled.

“I’m not sure yet. I might become an english teacher, or a librarian.”

“Huh. Nice.” Jon said. “I kinda wanna be a photographer, but I know there isn’t a lot of

{and then I gave up}

#eddsworld #stuff i made #fanfic #ew fanfic #eddsworld fanfiction #eduardo and his friends lowkey larp as the saloonatics guys

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thewayshefeels1 · 5 years

Text

June 2016

Hi. I don’t know where to begin… I got to my car & saw your letter. My heart stopped & I didn’t know what to expect. It’s crazy because I dreamt of you the night before. I don’t remember too well, but you said you hated me & I was a bitch... I woke up in a bad mood. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster I wouldn’t want to ride again. I was anxious to open it, as if there were a bomb inside. I was afraid what it might say, something like my dream? That you think I’m heartless? Thanks for taking time to write me. I would handwrite too but it would take 14659 hours & be 10 pages long so I figured typing is more efficient. It’s no exaggeration when I say you’ve been on my mind every hour since I last saw you. Possibly since I became your girlfriend & before that too. It means a lot that you poured your heart out to me; I know how vulnerable you must feel & I can’t imagine what it took since when we met you had this wall up. Now’s my turn, and I know this laptop is going to be coated with tears by the time I’m done.

A lot can happen in 6 months but I never expected this. Honestly, I tried to stop thinking of you but no matter how much time goes by or what I do, there’s always moments when I see, smell or hear something that takes me back. I’m aware forgetting you is impossible. I don’t want to have to get over you. I tell you that you don’t want my problems & you say it’s not for me to decide. It’s messy; love for me is like heaven but hell too. How can the same thing make you feel so alive & dead at the same time? I’m either a sunny day with a breath of fresh air or a thunderstorm and when it rains it pours. (I tried to stay your sun). I still see a spark in you; the potential you had to light me on fire… it drew me to you, what I fell for. When we’d laugh about dumb shit, the way you breathe when you sleep & I’d listen to your heartbeat. Your love for ghetto music & random disco tracks. I sprung out of bed the day after you kissed me. But getting out of bed is nearly impossible now. I know you want answers, but so do I. Something you said frequently during our relationship was that I made you [do] this & that etc. I can’t help how you interpret things but I mean it when I say I never meant to be anything other than loving. I was never good at saying goodbye. I remember our first kiss, the stars were out. It felt like I was flying. I hoped to never leave your side. Most days I act just fine, but I can't handle it at night. You gave me some of my best memories. (BTW this is going to be scattered, my thoughts are all over the place.)

It’s frightening when someone brings so much happiness to your life because any second they can take it away. It was never my intention to leave. The last thing I wanted was for it to be this way. We’re opposite: you’re collected & I’m off the wall. You’re a walker, I’m a runner. All I do is run; run away before I am left. That way, if you were to go first I wouldn’t be left a fool. But I’m still here, empty. It never serves me in the end. Fear makes you do odd things. Now I can’t even listen to my favorite songs because it’s too painful. I don’t know why you feel like a ghost. There’s countless nights when I’m desperate to call & hear your voice. I’m lonely & need you to reassure me everything is ok. I want to tell you I miss you but I won’t. I’ll throw my phone, turn it off & cry myself to sleep. It’s excruciating. I feel like I’m in rehab, getting off a drug. I hope you know my feelings are still there. I feel safe when I’m wrapped in your arms & they became a home to me. But even the best homes get damaged sometimes. A week after I saw you last, I had a seizure. My doctor says its stress or the onset of narcolepsy. I’m nauseous every day and feel like I have the health of a 75 year old. I’ve been trying to not let shit get the best of me as I wait to go to treatment. My insurance had to be taken care of to get into an inpatient facility. It’s an E.D & PTSD program. I had to be medically cleared with my doctor & finish paperwork for the financial officer to ensure my LOA went through. I should be gone by next week. I pray your family is well. Give everyone a hug & pet your cats for me lol. I sense I’ve lost myself; I try to focus on making others happy & forgot I’m supposed to be happy too. You know you’re attached to someone when you’ve gotten so used to talking on a daily basis but when you don’t it’s like part of you is gone. I thought I was prepared but it still hurts. Relationships are funny, I don’t want to be depressing [no really] but it’s like you get to know every detail just to forget it all when you stop. You had me so mesmerized but I was in pain a lot more than I led on. I don’t know how I can give you what you want if I can’t give it to myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I’ve just learned sometimes that’s not enough. I really wanted it to be you god damn it, I did.

I see the best in you and will always be around. No one really knows what forever means & we don’t see what's real until it's gone. I hate looking outside my window to not see you waiting in my driveway. It’s funny how time flies... 6 months feels like a lifetime ago. I loved when I’d look at you… I've never stared so intently. I tried to cherish you. I've loved and I have been hurt but you were like every hope I’d ever had. This is far from easy, as much as it may look. I’m a hot mess. You entertain my thoughts like a fantasy. It’s torture because you’re within reach but seem untouchable. When I’m in my car and drive past spots we’ve gone they look so dark. Back then I wasn’t afraid of anything, with you I was impenetrable. But real life always has to sink in. One night I drove home from work & was a complete wreck. You know that feeling, like your hearts been snatched out your chest. I didn’t go inside. I was just sobbing in my car, looking at the stars, my head on the steering wheel. I drove to the dead end street “our spot” It was the second or 3rd night I met you and we were driving around. You told me about a girl who was your friend you were in love with. You said she friend zoned you and that was one of the only girls you loved. I remember thinking “she is so lucky, how could she do that?” Life is nothing but irony.

I lit up with you; I felt myself come to life and blossom. You stole my heart and I never thought I’d have yours. I found something in my journal the other day… “it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by him.” It’s a line from a movie. I wrote that down when we first started seeing each other. Heartbreak is never a privilege. Some may think so, because you got a chance to know the person in the first place. I question if anybody is ever really yours or if it’s just your turn? From the start I tried to seem positive because that’s what I was told to do. I wanted you to like me and felt being my pessimistic self wasn’t good. I told myself you were the perfect one to risk it for. It’s Wednesday now and I’ve been working on this for a few days. I asked Dina what I should say, and she told me not to answer. I’ve realized the last few weeks I need to stop listening to what everybody tells me to do and listen to myself. I’ve ignored my gut for so long I forgot I have a voice. Every night when the sunsets I think of you. I went outside and laid on the ground the other night and stared at the moon amongst the stars. I was thinking about you and the fact that we share the same view. Nights are the worst. It comes rushing in waves, ready to pull me under. Sometimes I feel stupid I let you get so close to me. I know I’m hard to love. Some days I’m all smiles and affection while others all I want to do is lie in bed, silent. It is hard to refer to you as my ex. Friends is better than nothing right? But what does friends mean? I can’t believe I am revealing so much of this to you. I try to never let anyone in. I told mom I don’t think I could go the rest of my life without you. And now our forever turned into times to remember. You’re like a drug I can’t break free from. Love is addicting, that’s why I try to never let it win, I always lose control. I doubt you’ll ever realize the impact you had. You repeatedly said I never told you anything, but a lot of people keep their feelings to themselves because they’re tired of pouring their hearts out to the wrong person.

I have to fall in love with myself but don’t know how to. All I know is I can’t rely on another for my happiness. I can’t depend on somebody else’s acceptance for my own. As of right now there’s a record in my head saying I don’t need love, I don’t want love, I am unlovable. I will reject love when it comes because there is no such thing. I cannot trust, it is not safe. I don’t want to fake a smile, I don’t want you to either. I don’t want you to feel as if you’re responsible for me. This doesn’t mean I couldn’t stick it out longer, I’m just not that tough. My mom told me I should’ve been straight up from the start. I’ve never been good at that. How can I trust another when I don’t trust myself? I am terrified of my own voice. I wish you could hear everything I’m afraid to say. I’ll start with this… I was severely confused; you lit me up or left me aching. Half the time what we had was incredible, I was so comfortable around you. Butterflies, slow motion, electricity. Then there were times you said you loved me but the next second it was like you couldn’t stand me. I apologized for things I wasn’t sorry for. You insinuated I let you down & I didn’t feel “cut out” I just felt I couldn’t please you. Even typing this makes me nervous. Like my heart speeds up and I should never say this aloud. Were all just looking for someone who cares enough to try, right? Someone who remembers the little things. I never meant to play games, God knows life is hard enough already. You declared I will simply move on & “throw away everything” as if it’s so easy for me. No. If anything that destroys me more. It’s like fighting against the current. I see you everywhere, like a spirit haunting me. Your smile is sketched on the back on my eyelids and I can’t erase it. I’ve had all these feelings extracted and I don’t know what to do with them. They make me uncomfortable. Crazy how there are billions of people in this world and one can do that to you (all it takes is one). It’s not as if I’m walking away with a sigh of relief and you’re the only one suffering. And everyone with their unhelpful, mundane advice “there’s plenty of fish in the sea, just move on.” They don’t know. I hate the thought that people are replaceable. Is there a way to master the art of falling? Love can be as fatal as falling off a mountain. In psychology, there are 6 love styles & my type is self-sacrificing, compassionate and has trouble receiving. I will often choose suffering in order to comply with others needs. The advantage is generosity, but the disadvantage is it can induce feelings of guilt and resentment and the obvious potential to be taken advantage of. I thought I already knew what it was like to be broken but, no. Did I mention I hate goodbyes? They are so painful, might as well be hit by a bus. If anyone knows anything about me, they know I’d rather be in a coma than lose somebody. Grief is excruciating, you feel so helpless. Certainly our hearts shatter and things tear us in two, but will they end us? I wish I was strong like you, you must get it from your mom. Once I stop searching for a home in others and come home to myself, maybe I’ll be able to accept true intimacy, instead of rejecting and hiding from it it. My pretending to be “ok” game is strong as hell. My feelings for you were real… I loved being in your presence. I could sit next to you and that would be enough. I can’t say if I fell for you the first night or from the moment I saw you, all I know is remembering being across you and realizing somehow nothing else mattered when I was with you. You were a story I so desperately wanted to read. I was devastated at the thought of you getting tired of me. But people never stay and there’s nothing you can do about it. Yet now you’re asking me to. How do we manage? It hurts. It didn’t feel real at first but once it did it was suffocating. You have to let feelings pass and go through you. Why am I feeling abandoned when I’m the one who left? All I have lost left a profound cavern in my soul nothing can fill. I want you to know that sometimes people are sad and they don’t know why. We don’t necessarily need a reason to be. I am exhausted. I wake up tired like I’m drowning in a black wave. Depression isn’t a bad day and it’s not always brought on by a situation. You can have a great life but there’s emptiness in your heart. Look at celebrities who commit suicide, it’s real. Sometimes it’s the things you can’t see that are the most real. Mental disorders don’t care if your parents are together or if you have a home. The brain is an organ. Mental illness is a sick brain. Telling someone you’re not really sick or it’s all in your head is like telling someone with asthma “it’s not real, it’s all in your lungs”.

Pretending not to love you is heart wrenching. Someone said people will leave your life and you can’t fall apart every time it happens. I see the best in you, I just have to figure out who I am, and seed out the person I create to please others. I hope you can try to understand & I will try to understand your absence. Whether you reply in fury, or I never hear from you again, I will try to be ok with it because love can get hard and hurt sometimes. Promise me if you love someone you’ll tell them. Even if you’re afraid or it seems stupid, please just say it. Words have so much power and sometimes it’s the things we don’t hear that have the most impact. Silence is dangerous and it kills me to say this because I don’t want to picture it, but l I should. If a girl comes along and she is everything you want, I hope she gives you what I couldn’t. I hope her heart swells like mine and its wonderful, like a flower blossoming. She won’t want the excitement & sensations to stop because she’s afraid there’s a dead end like me. I hope it continues and the honeymoon period doesn’t end so fast like you said ours did. She’ll be precious and see the sparkle in your eye I wish I could bottle up. Her flame won't dim like mine because you’re the fire to keep her warm. I’m a brick wall on the brink of crumbling. You won’t have to worry about how many guys want her because you’ll believe it when she says she only wants you. Shell taste like violets; then you can forget the taste of me and not hurt anymore. I pray she has kindness in her eyes and a huge place in her heart for your family. I hope your mom loves her and Michelle & her become best friends (I hope she likes cats too). I hope she treats you good and you treat her better. I hope your love feels right. When you let people see the darkest corners of your soul, what makes you lonely and why you cry at night, it's paralyzing because they can judge you; they can run and not turn back. My mind is like a dictionary no one comprehends, of agony and heartache. I just want to hold your hand… I miss that. But I also miss myself. And when you look at me I either feel I’m on top of the world or the bottom of the sea.

Don’t you dare think for one second I’m pushing you away because I don’t love you. I’m sorry if this is sending mixed messages, I just care too much to let you think I can live without you so easily. I’m constantly torn between if you want it go for it and if it’s meant to be it will. Maybe I knew from the start I couldn’t keep you, but I tried anyway, boy did I try. It’s a tragedy when someone you know becomes someone you knew; you walk around not knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives. We’re just strangers with a past, expected to carry on like nothing ever happened. They tell me to move on, as if I can make memories evaporate from my mind. I promise I’m trying to be okay with this. Maybe change is a good thing but it kills me. I know it’s necessary and the only guarantee in life but I try to avoid it, which rarely works out. Thank you for letting me have moments where I could be myself; I didn’t have to try to be perfect and you still accepted me. I don’t know how to live without you but I guess I just will and it gets a little easier each day. The reality of me not mattering to you is like slowly withering, but I can’t be selfish and want it both ways. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms and I wish feelings left when people do. Know that I love you with every fucked up, broken piece of my heart. I wish you nothing but health & happiness wherever you go. I need to give myself the love I never knew. We can’t break each other and call it love because loving someone is not the same as being too scared to be alone. I don’t want you to have to fill the empty parts of me. 1+1=2 but 1+.5 only equals 1 ½. People cannot make up for what we think we lack. Idk why we believe people will complete us when they can only complement. They say “if you are not enough for yourself you will never be enough for someone else”. If I’ve learned anything from you it’s that how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. And if I’ve taught you anything, I hope it’s that to be soft isn’t weak, it is strong. It’s part of the human experience to experience emotion, do not be afraid. I hope you can fall in love with your solitude in the meantime as well.

Love, Lauren

#loveletter #loveletters #letter #diary #journal #breakups #breakup

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