#sometimes my commute doesn't suck

[chameleonlurks]

Imagine (if you can) the encounter I had this morning please.

The sound of a rough growly engine coming up from behind, like a V6 pretending to be a V8 (and failing miserably).

Then the car pulls up alongside, a white Subaru Forrester station wagon. So boxy it looks like a cut-price 80s hearse.

Low profile tyres, lowered chassis.

Windows tinted so dark you can't see in.

It eventually pulls ahead, and you see the icing on this gloriously shitty cake:

A vanity plate that reads LSBIAN.

#lesbian #cars #sometimes my commute doesn't suck

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

saw some western aus and wanted to throw my proverbial hat in the ring. well. toss it gently. place it down on the edge-

actually no fuck that, slamming down the hat i have Thoughts:

first off, if anything this au should be the silliest looney toons bullshit.

~ of all the revolvers are unloaded. so gunfights are just people saying "bang" at each other and then throwing the nearest thing at their opponent in place of a bullet

~ Wally is the town sheriff, and he's hilariously incompetent. he also has a habit of shoplifting apples from Howdy's saloon / general store fusion. his cowboy hat has a card with an apple on it tucked in the band, but he doesn't wear it, so at nearly all times one of his hands is occupied with holding the hat. also he doesn't wear his badge ever

~ Barnaby is the town deputy, and he's marginally more competent than Wally. however, he doesn't take his job seriously and is usually napping in his chair on the sheriff office porch. sometimes he wears Wally's badge along with his own for funsies

~ also when Howdy catches Wally stealing, he'll call Barnaby over. Barnaby will proceed to arrest and lock up Wally in his own jail until Barnaby feels too bad for leaving him in there and lets him out

~ there is only one horse in town, and its Eddie's so that he can do his delivery runs and get mail from the town over - he has a lil wagon too. Sally has a running gag where she tries to steal the horse, but it completely ignores her and won't budge an inch.

~ on that note, Wally has one of those stick horses. when he needs to chase someone down, he hops on it and Barnaby lifts him by the scruff and runs, gently shaking him up and down to simulate natural horse riding movements. somehow it always works. no one can escape this tactical move

~ the only role i can see for Sally is overly-theatrical outlaw, just as incompetent as Wally. she never succeeds in stealing anything but also never gets caught because, again, Wally is terrible at his job. everyone usually comes outside to watch their wacky "fights" and do nothing about it, including Barnaby. also Julie helps her sometimes

~ Julie i think would be the town banker. she's unusually strict about it and can get kind of scary about technicalities. however the town doesn't really use currency, so they have a point system that they keep careful track of. it would be stickers, but those dont exist. actually fuck that these are puppets, stickers exist and the board is like the gold stars in that one spongebob episode

~ Frank is an entomologist that decided to brave the untamed west to see what new bugs he might discover. what he discovered was dust, scorpions, and an inability to leave the town due to no monies anywhere. he finds entertainment in keeping track of the local ant colonies' wars & affairs, and also complaining at Howdy at the bar

~ everyone complains to Howdy. he has someone at his bar at any given time and he's taken to being incredibly passive aggressive about it. they still have to pay with jokes or favors or whatever they can think of that he'll accept

~ Poppy runs the hotel, where pretty much everyone lives. Julie lives there, Frank lives there, Sally lives there, Wally lives there. Barnaby prefers to sleep in the sheriffs office, as he doesn't want to make the "across the street" commute. Howdy also stays in his saloon/store, and Eddie sleeps in his post office - as canon intended.

~ Home is the mayor. don't ask me if he's a person, an object head, or just a building - i do not know. he's probably still a building. no one can understand what he says

~ oh also Frank is incredibly pressed over the fact that the town's lawfolk suck at their job. he swears he has an aneurysm every time Wally chases Sally down the street on a stick horse, or when blatant crime is happening right in front of a very asleep Barnaby. he is tempted to take over as sheriff, but alas, there are scorpions to be stung by

~ and finally: apple chaps. thats all thanks good day

#the thought of wally sprinting along w/ his little spurs clinking is everything to me rn #they clink with every step #its like a bell on a cat #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #welcome home fanart #sally - in jail: hey what are ya in for #wally - also in jail: stealing apples :( #also the thought of these two being technically enemies but they live on the same floor and they often spend jail time together #will never not be entertaining #yknow their town would be soooo easily robbable #but they live in the middle of nowhere and no one knows they exist #frank only got stuck there because he was at a town and met a pretty mailman #who told him to shimmy on over to the neighborhood bc theres plenty of critters 'round there #frank continues to hold a grudge for months. he cannot leave. there are not many bugs. the mailman continues to be pretty

[t-lostinworlds]

hello! gosh, i honestly have no idea what else to do anymore. i've been such a huge ball of anxiety these pass few days and i feel like i've got no other choice ://

so, enrollment for the next semester is this Monday (in 4 days), and idk why my school decided to do it during this time when most ppl don't get paid until the last day of the month/next month. as if that isn't enough, enrollments are also on a time limit and now that we get to decide our own schedules, it's also a race on who gets the subjects first. and if you can't pay for a percentage of the tuition fee upfront, you're going to get delisted so you have to pick your subjects again. the later you enroll, the fewer timeslots. so i could end up having a 6-9pm which isn't safe for me in this city especially when i commute alone. even worse, our tuition for this semester is much higher for some reason and we weren't warned about it.

i can't ask for financial aid from my school yet bc it's required to have at least finished 1 year before you're able to. i'm still trying to look for student/personal loan options bc most i've seen so far require a monthly that i just can't afford rn and it only covers 1 term instead of a whole year so it's not really that sustainable :(( (i don't live in the US btw so it's not a "start paying when you graduate" thing. taking out a loan means i still need to pay monthly while in school on top of other expenses, which as you can imagine, feels more like a burden than it is helpful.) i've also tried looking for scholarships but most only support stem/business courses bc this country isn't nice to artists so that sucks.

i honestly have very little money saved and with the sudden increase in tuition, it's hard to cover half of it even with my parents' help. and again, nobody is getting paid until next month so money is already tight as is with it being the end of th month.

so long story short, i need some help. the first installment for the fee (converted from my currency) is about $600. BUT. NO PRESSURE. i'm only asking those who have extra to spare. and any and all amounts are welcome. it's already going to be such a huge help. hell, even just a simple reblog to boost this already helps a ton.

but also, my commissions are open! so if u want to have a lil story in exchange for just a tiny bit of help, that'd be great too <3

here's my kofi and my pypl

again, no pressure! even a smallest amount already helps a lot. and also, pls do reblog to boost. i really appreciate you! i hope you're having a wonderful day <3 don't forget to take care of yourself too. sending you wonderful people love always ❤️

tagging some mutuals under the cut for a boost bc sometimes this doesn't show up in the tags anymore (but also you don't have too!! you can ignore this if u want alskalks)

@selfcarecap @hollandsmoose @shellshocklove @tanaka-drew @agaritas @userholland @thecodyexpress @annab-nana @hollandweather @annathesillyfriend @cumholland @jasntodds @quethekillerqueen @worldoftom (ily guys, i hope you're all safe and well ❤️)

#financial help #mutual aid #financial aid #donation post #signal boosts #signal boost #gosh i really do get nervous doing this #my classmates tried to ask for like #a promissory note #asking to pay at a later date #but they won't budge :/// #i've honestly exhausted my resources #i've also emailed them asking if i could just pay even a tiny bit of it #like leave a balance #they still haven't responded #idk what to do anymore :// #ramblings

[littlemessyjessi]

little!reader × caregiver!yoongi 🥺 the reader doesn't like being alone so she's* always at his side 🥺

*i used she/her pronouns but u can use the ones u want

Caregiver!Yoongi you say?

Oh, honey! I am in IN! Let's go!

Ok, so first of all, thank you so much for sending in this request! I loved it so much that I had to see to it immediately!

Ok, so first things first. We stan a healthy relationship who both respects boundaries but also understands that your partner is different and may have different needs. *chef's kiss*

Alright, so I think Yoongi's first move might be to find you a buddy, lol. That is not in any way to say that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you. But Min Yoongi gives the impression that he is a man of practicality first and foremost. Therefore, dude is gonna have a backup plan.

Because, Babe. He adores you but also knows that there are going to be times when he can not physically be with you. That's just life. I'm so sorry life sucks and it's hard for you to be alone. I am so sorry for whatever happened that made it hard for you to be by yourself. You didn't deserve that and it's not fair. However, that is life sometimes and while it is true that not everyone feels that way and some do feel more comfort in alone time.... we're not talking about that right now. We're talking about how to help you. And we're gonna focus on that because you're important and I want you to know that.

That being said, I can definitely see Yoongi with a myriad of backup plans. The first being a buddy. If you're not comfortable with other people, an animal might be a great suggestion. If you have a pet of your own, I could see him loving that you have a little friend to keep you company. If you want one but don't know where to start, I could totally see him taking the initiative to research and find out what pet might be suitable for you. If you're just not ready for a pet of your own, I can absolutely see him encouraging you to bond with Holly. He's already gonna do that anyway because he loves that little dog and he loves you. Besides, he already tells Holly that you're his mother anyway so you might as well just make the decision to have Holly be your purse puppy and everyone would be happier, lol.

Now, outside of that. Regarding your home. There are times when he is just going to need his alone time. Yoongi is an absolute sweetheart from what I understand. However, he is still human and all human need at least a little alone time to just reset. For some, that's just when you're in the restroom, perhaps sleeping or maybe the commute to work. That works for some but for others it could be different. They might need more.

To help with those feelings of loneliness and separation anxiety, he might take it upon himself to turn a spare room or even that random ass closet in his home office/studio/creativedungeon/ect./whatever  into a little space for you. In reality, the little hole in the wall closet was literally supposed to be a linen closet but he never uses it because he keeps the towels under the sink and the extra bed sheets in the hallway closet … like a normal person! So it just collects dust or random shit anyway.   

In reality, I think he would get pretty into it too.  He’s a man of few words (or seems to be) but what he does say, he means.  What he tries to express to you, he does through actions.  Creating safe places for you is so healing for him because it’s basically the soft, gentle sweet side of Yoongi (which let’s be honest is about 95% of him anyway) -  Basically it’s that side of him going, “Hey, little precious angel that I love so much and I’d do anything for! I made you something because I DO love you so much and I want you to be happy and safe and if that means being around me, please let me make a spot for you so that you can physically see a visual representation of the fact that I want you in my life.  Please, please enjoy this.  I tried my best and please never go away.  I love you.  Please stay.” 

However, he will not be saying those words aloud.  Because he is a man.  Possessed by the spirit of a cat.   And he’d sooner die than utter those words aloud.  At least in front of other people.   He has a reputation to protect, ya know.  

He will, however, show you just how soft he is for you by his actions.   Literally, sis, just blink your eyes at him.  He’s done. You’re his sweet baby angel love and there is no thing that he will not do for you if you ask him.   And that is literally all it takes.  Just ask him.   

Which, sigh, I know it’s hard to ask for the things in life that we want or we feel we need.  If you’re anything like me sometimes you might struggle with feeling worthy enough to even ask for needs.  And mental health (and the subsequent help) is, in fact, a need, love.  Please remember that you are valued, loved, worthy and wanted.  

All of that to say, he adores you.  You are his babylove and therefore what baby wants, baby gets. 

Now, some other ways he might do this might include: 

spraying his cologne on some of your little space items so that they have his scent 

always having something for your to play with 

sometimes this is just his hands/fingers

which is fine (and actually preferable if he can just sit and not have to have his hands at that moment in time) 

also maybe just some coloring books and stuff in his office spaces because it’s relatively easy to hide away

glow in the dark stickers that he 100% encourages you to stick up under his desk at work so that when you visit and you’re overwhelmed you can just get under his desk and he’ll roll his chair in to hide you and you can feel safe and lay you head on his leg and it’s just a good thing

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better, dear! I am so sorry if you are feeling rough.   I know you might not know me but I do believe in love for people that might not even know us well.  Compassion for our fellow peoples.   So I love you and I sincerely wish you all the healing and loving energy.   If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me.   I might not be able to fix but I can definitely listen.   

All my love, 

K 

......

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K, Love you, Bye!

#min yoongi #min suga #bts #kpop #bts x little reader #bts x plus size reader #little reader #bts little space #ps reader #plus size reader #plus size #min yoongi x ps reader #min yoongi x plus size reader

[gobletofmilk]

hours of the day ranked

1. 6pm 6pm is the best hour of every day because this is when you are eating dinner. sometimes it doesn't happen in this hour but when it does, this is why we are on earth. dinner. it's also good because you eat dinner then. 

2. 7pm i love this hour because if you have eaten dinner already you have a good 4-5 hours of true free time. you can literally do whatever, spend time with friends, read, write, watch a movie, or do what god herself placed us on this earth to do which is rot in bed and look at phone.

3. 12pm yummy lunch time 

4. 4am I'll fight all of you on this but 4am is here because of that sweet sweet rem. you know how good sleep feels at 4am? you kidding me? this is why i LIVE.

5. 12am there's just something special about midnight you know. it's just cool. if you're still awake the vibes are kinda crazy you know. if you're with friends then the vibes are even crazy er. i love it when it is midnight. 

6. 3pm i haven't been in school for years (like millions of years), but there is no denying the power of 3pm. home time. it's also the peak time in the afternoon. lots of shenanigans to be had at 3pm you know

7. 5pm this is like like school ending but for adults although i don't have a job that ends at 5 i just kind of work whenever and it is so bad for my work life balance because i end up working at the worst times and don't give myself enough time to relax but if i had a normal job this would be the best time

8. 10pm sleepy vibes you know

9. 8pm i really like this time because i'm usually right into a movie or something or playing a game or rotting in bed usually rotting 

10. 4pm it's interesting at this point we are starting to get to the hours i'm not too fond of. don't get me wrong i'm a fan of 4pm, but my brain just turns off around this time every day. i can't get anything done. it sucks. i'm not a morning person or an afternoon person or an evening person tbh.

11. 11pm hey that's a good placement

12. 5am such a risky hour. if you're getting good rem then it is the greatest hour in the world. but if you wake up at 5am and still want to have a little more sleep. god. kill me. it happened to me this morning and it has just ruined my day

13. 9pm it's kind of sad at 9pm because the night is coming to an end and it's like sad and stuff??

14. 1pm i ated all my lunch :(

15. 10am hey this is usually like a snack time so that is good. but you have a whole work day ahead of you and it's like ugh lame you know. if it is a day off though 10am can be pretty exciting. i'm usually rotting in bed around 10am

16. 2pm controversial maybe but this time isn't it. i want to go home you know i don't have three hours of work left in me.

17. 11am the most nothing hour ever created what even happens at 11am

18. 1am not for me

19. 2am like 1am but slightly worse 

20. 3am like 2am but slightly worse

21. 8am of all of the morning hours, this one is the least offensive. you're usually eating breakfast or just commuting and listening to music so hey, it gets a pass i suppose. morning sux.

22. 7am the only good thing about 7am is your bed is so comfortable, but like why can't we take that comfort and move it to other parts of the day. i gotta get up at 7am, don't do that to me.

23. 6am kill me now it's so over

24. 9am imagine being henry time, inventor of time, and thinking you know what is a good idea? 9am? what a fool. i'm so upset this time should not exist. so sick and twisted.

#tier list #ranked #ranking #really important #earth shattering #powerful #silly #sillyposting #what is silly posting is this silly posting? if so this is why i'm here. to silly post.

[actual-lea]

psst bestie i want to start biking to the grocery store for fun and profit but i know less than nothing about bikes, do u have any recommendations for what kind of bike/helmet/accessories i should get or any other biking advice ??? thank u love u xoxo

I am grabbing you gently by the face and pulling you into my arms

Thank you for asking me about literally anything related to bikes

You've come to the right place, sort of - this is all just my own personal thoughts/opinions and you can probably find plenty of actual good (non super rambly) advice on reddit/youtube, but!

If you're wanting a bike for just going to the store, I would recommend looking for one that's labelled as a "city" or "hybrid" bike - these are pretty much made for commuting, they generally have regular ol' flat handlebars (rather than the fancy drop bars you see on fancy road bikes) and wider tires than a road bike, and also they're designed to have a more upright riding position (read: comfortable) so you're not leaning over the bars like some sort of aero racer guy in lycra. The wider tires also make the ride more comfortable, and some bikes have suspension on the front, which just means there's basically a shock absorber - depending on how gnarly the sidewalks/roads you're planning to ride on are, that can make a big difference in comfort also (and mayhaps keep groceries from bouncing around too much), but I definitely wouldn't say it's necessary. (The bike I've been riding on for three years, lovingly named Hot Topic, doesn't have any suspension and the only time I really miss it is when I roll over a particularly terrible pothole.) A lot of city bikes also come with fenders/mudguards (or whatever you want to call them - they're the things that keep your tires from splashing mud and water up into your face and/or butt) already included, which is nice if it's rained recently and you have to ride through any puddles.

They sometimes also come with racks also (or at the very least they generally have the mounts for racks included - if you're buying from a bike store they can absolutely install it for you), which you could use for bags/baskets/whatever for handy grocery carrying capabilities - if you're getting more than a few groceries at a time I would definitely think about investing in a rear rack and like a cargo basket thing of some sort to use with it as opposed to putting everything in a front basket, just because putting a lot of weight on the front can affect your center of gravity and make it a bit harder to steer/balance (ask me how I know). Alternatively a backpack can work just fine for transporting Stuff, but having something heavy on your back will make you sweaty and will kind of suck after a short while.

HOWEVER if you're doing the really budget option of spending like a hundred bucks on a bike at Walmart (which is a great option if you don't want to invest a ton in a bike that you aren't going to use a whole lot) then pretty much anything they have should work just fine. Last time I checked I think even they have city/hybrid bikes there as well? But if not, I would probably say just find a nice cheap mountain bike or "cruiser" bike, preferably one with the smoothest tires you can find that aren't super fat and preferably one with a nice comfy seat.

I don't really have any insight regarding helmets - I'm on my second helmet (only because I think you're supposed to replace them every few years) ever since getting "serious" about biking, and both of them have just been run of the mill $30 Schwinn helmets off the shelf at Walmart, and I've never had any problems with them. I think I actually looked up a list of the "best" (safest) helmets once and those were definitely on there as a good budget option, so like. As long as it's a helmet and it's on your head, you're probably good to go. (just make sure it fits properly - there's a little knob thing on the back that you can twist to adjust how tight it is, and make sure the strap is nice and snug under your chin also, you don't want it to fall off if you do ever happen to fall on your head)

The only other accessories I would recommend as strictly necessary would be lights (especially a taillight, ESPECIALLY if you will be doing any riding on the road or at crosswalks where it's really important for cars to see you), and a good lock. For that, I would say maybe don't go for the absolute cheapest option you can find, only because I had a bike stolen before and they cut through the cheap little cable lock I had like it was nothing lmao. (RIP $90 Walmart mountain bike, you were truly too good for this world.) ALSO if your grocery store doesn't have bike racks to lock it to (mine definitely don't) a good option can be to lock it to one of the cart return railing thingies instead, though obv I would recommend using one that's sorta farther out in the parking lot and not near a whole bunch of cars.

On the subject of lights, yeah 1000% get a taillight (you can get a set with front and back lights at Walmart for like ten bucks or something - the front one wraps around the handlebars and the rear one usually goes on the seat post, underneath the seat) and just have it on and flashing anytime you're on the bike, even in the daytime, if there is even the slightest chance that cars being able to see you is important. (Front light is also good, though I usually don't really use mine much unless it's actually getting dark or raining or something.)

If you're going to be riding on sidewalks or other places where pedestrians are present, it might not be a bad idea to also get a bell. The etiquette for trails/hike and bike paths/whatever is to give an audible signal before you pass someone, especially if you're on a bike and passing someone who's walking, to let them know you're there so they don't cross into your path and get run over. The usual thing is to call out "on your left" (because you should stay to the right and pass on the left if you're in the U.S. - I assume it's the opposite in places where you drive on the left instead) as you approach, with a couple seconds lead time to make sure they hear you/aren't startled by your presence and try to move TO the left instead. I do not have a very loud voice, and feel like I'm yelling when I do that, so I got a nice loud bell that I chime before going around people instead (YMMV on which is more comfortable - I feel kinda rude dinging a bell at people too sometimes, but it's definitely more rude (and dangerous) to just make no noise at all and hope they don't swerve to the side suddenly, so yeah).

You'll probably also want a little air pump to keep your tires inflated (the tires have little writing on the side to tell you what PSI/bar/whatever they should be inflated to) - again, you can get little kits at Walmart/Target/wherever that just come with lights and bell and pump already altogether so don't feel like you need to spend a ton on any of this stuff.

OH AND SUNGLASSES, I would recommend just getting like some dollar store sunglasses if you don't already have some that you can wear, not just for keeping the sun out of your eyes but also to protect your eyes from dust and bugs and stuff. Do not underestimate how much it sucks to have even the tiniest gnat fly into or around your eye, because you WILL have to close it/blink rapidly for a few seconds to get it out and you WILL momentarily lose your depth perception and it WILL be scary if it happens while you're moving fast.

Good lord I'm so sorry for this novel, hopefully there is at least SOMETHING remotely helpful in here, and if you have any other thoughts/questions at all please feel free to ask, there is absolutely no such thing as a stupid question in my book when it comes to bike.

#ask lea #anonymous #maybe i should have a cycling tag #long post

[orange-ghost]

I think I'm the only New Yorker who doesn't hate the subway.

Don't get me wrong-- the people on here can be nuts. The delays suck. And it can be dangerous. But at the same time, they're a great spot for people-watching? And I think growing up on them taught me a lot.

When I was 13, I noticed that a lot of my peers didn't like who they saw in the mirror. They'd always talk about how social media made them feel ugly, or bad about this, that or the third. I never understood. The way I saw it, people just... looked how they looked. Pictures didn't mean we all had to be that way, too. Not to me, at least.

I was also attending a visual arts high school at the time, and I noticed a lot of students' artwork on the walls. Some of them I really liked. Others, I didn't really lock them into my memory.

So I made up a game for my one-hour commute: every day, I have to look at everybody I see around me, and just notice something them that I thought looked nice or unique. No judgments, no oogling or negative comments, that's against the rules. Just... notice. And I always found something. Didn't even have to force it; it was easy.

Pretty black hair. Hooked noses. Smile-lines. Nicely-trimmed beards. A cane with stickers on them. Intimidating leather jackets. Glasses I wanted. Stretch marks. Deep brown eyes. Cool dreads.

It made me actually notice how diverse we all were. Like, damn, we really are built different, huh.

While I was doing this, I'd also take brief notes on what they were doing. Most just sat around thinking about whatever, but sometimes I saw friend groups talking. Married couples with kids. Solo riders holding poles with an engagement-ringed hand.

Strangers who I found especially beautiful often rode the rails alone? Like this 20-30-something guy with a short black ponytail & a leather jacket that I never saw again. Or this chubby light-skinned girl who was about my age-- had long, unkempt curls, glasses, and a bunch of Studio Ghibli pins on her bag. (I saw her all the time and always thought she was really cute, but never chatted her up because I'm a coward.)

And the strangers who didn't stick out to me, they often had people who loved them. Some were married, or at least engaged, or there with a girlfriend. Some had biiiig groups of friends who I could tell in that moment probably knew & cared about them deeply. And a bunch of them were alone here, but easily could've had somebody waiting for them at home, yk? Or friends & family they were on their way to see.

And why wouldn't they? Beauty is skin-deep and subjective, in the eye of the beholder. And to see that, all I had to do was just... look around. These people probably weren't models. Or social media influencers. And other people still liked 'em.

We're not supposed to be the same. That's part of the fun of living. And we're not supposed to all fit in some weird standard box. Especially one that can't even make up its mind. I remember as a toddler & a small kid, the TV would drone on and on about needing to be thin.. But now that it was 2017, I was seeing and hearing people drool over BBWs or whatever the word was. And I figured there were more important things in life than trying to fit a swaying box that's just gonna drop you in ten years, anyway.

All subjective. Kinda like the artwork that I would see on the walls.

Some of it fascinated me. Some of it didn't. And I wasn't the only one-- my other friends found themselves captivated by different pieces, ones that I didn't think much about. They probably saw things that I didn't. And none of us had a say over how much they're worth, or how much they meant to somebody.

I'm really glad I made up that game back in the day. I think it helped it helped me maintain a good body image, and deconstruct some biases I'd been taught. It also showed me that it's really easy to just... not judge people. Closemindedness is a choice. And it's a pretty easy one to persist past & overcome.

Man. I miss those train people now. I hope that they're all doing well. Wherever they may have gone.

#nyc #nyclife #nyc life #memories #new york city #thoughts #mental health #body image #my writing #writing #memoir #new york #ny #nyc subway #subway #subway creatures #brooklyn #manhattan #diversity #beauty standards #beauty

[princessofthecosmos]

Been feeling a lot lately. You know, the usual sort of inadequacies and such. It's not their fault but sometimes there are people who watching them talk just makes me feel stupid about certain things lol. I mean it's obviously a me issue here. I take no pride in my ignorance around certain types of media. "Idk, I like what I like and don't like what I don't like" doesn't feel like a particular ly good place to draw the line when it comes to how I engage with certain fiction. I feel like I need to be more critical and actually Understand what makes things good. Granted I feel like I do that to a lot of things already so doing it for everything would just be exceptionally tiring.

Work sucks a lot right now. I mean it always does. But right now it's just really sucking the life out of me. I feel like a ghost, like an observer of everything going on around me and yet so devoid of energy that I can't be as active a participant as I was. I'm just cruising along right now with only the energy to float with the current.

I'd like to pursue game dev stuff full time but... I feel like a poser. The more I research the more I feel like I'm a fool for thinking I ever could. But it'd not enough really to make me stop... but then I feel like I need to specialize more, I feel like if I want to succeed I have to fight harder. I actually need to fucking finish something. The quality needs to be there, the effort needs to be there. It'd achievable I know it is but...

I wish I could quit my job and just do my thing. I want me time back, I want my life back. I'm wasting 40 hours a week, 2/3rds of my waking hours a day to commutes and working a job I don't give a shit about when I could be spending that time doing anything else that I actually care about.

#some vent stuff #nothing major but just so you know what youre in for

[separatist-apologist]

I am still an intern but for the past 2 month, my worload double and I areived home at 9pm because it took me 2 hour to commute from home. Yes, my work hour ends around 7 ish. Sometime dragged until 9pm. It got me thinking, how are you doing all this mad masterpieces of wiriting while having a full time working job and a family. I salute you, madam. You are my hero and my inspiration to not stop doing what I love. And now after 2 months, I got to open tumblr and found you. Again. AFTER SO LONG STARING AT THE EXCEL SHEET AND ANSWERING CALL

I love you,

From overwork, underpaid, exploited intern.

Oh my sweet, I was you two years ago and I wish I could say something heartwarming and like, positive. You will get through it because its going to end (I pray with a job offer that doesn't suck), which is perhaps the only thing you CAN say to an overworked, underpaid, exploited intern. But I'm with you in solidarity my friend.

I hope you keep doing what YOU love because thats the only way we get to come out on top in this capitalist hell scape. They can take my labor but they can't have my spirit etc etc

#this was sweet and i hope you're getting lots of rest today!!

[cosettepontmercys]

Wow you read a lot!! I'm currently trying to read more myself. Do you have any advice/tips on how I can do this? Thanks!

hello friend!! i wanted to preface this answer with a quick statement for you + anyone reading this — it doesn't really matter how many books you read; what matters more is your own enjoyment 🤍 please don't feel pressured to read more because someone has read x number of books, etc! with that being said, i do have some advice/tips, so let's get started!

know what books work for you. what genres do you gravitate towards? what storylines do you like — or specific ones that you hate? are you more character-driven, or plot-driven? do you prefer fast paced books? short books or long books? do you like books told in first person? do you like reading one book at a time, or do you like juggling multiple books?

personally for me, i know i enjoy contemporary stories more than high fantasy ones! i just don't always have the brainpower for high fantasy/worldbuilding, so i try not to read high fantasy until i'm in the right headspace for it! i know that i like reading multiple books at once, but i usually have a priority read, with the others on the backburner!

don't be afraid to switch things up. if you've been reading a lot of one genre, try switching things up! or if you've been reading a lot of fiction, throw in a non-fiction, or something else just to break up the monotony!

a few weeks ago, i was reading romance after romance trying to find a good book club pick, and guess what? i was completely burnt out of reading one of my favorite genres. i ended up reading a nonfiction instead, and that helped me get back into reading! i'm currently reading some longer / heavier books, so i'm also reading some plays in the meantime!

figure out when is the best time for you to read.

admittedly, a lot of my reading time comes from when i'm unable to sleep or when i'm not feeling very well. like anything else, reading is something you just have to make time for! when i used to commute to work, i had a one hour bus ride (each way), so that was built in reading time for me! since i'm still working from home, i don't have that built in reading time, so i have to be more intentional about my time and when i get to read. i don't really love reading in the mornings before work, because i usually get really sucked into the story + struggle to switch into work mode, so i normally read at night! i also try to read + journal an hour before "bedtime", just so i can wind down for the night, but everyone works differently!

figure out what medium works best for you. do you prefer hardcovers? paperbacks? e-readers? audiobooks? all of those are just as valid options!

sometimes, i have a hard time focusing reading on an e-reader (i just need to not look at a screen), so i'll pick up a physical book! there are books where i just couldn't get through by reading a physical copy, but flew threw the audiobook or ebook.

it is okay to dnf a book. it is 100% okay to put the book down and come back to it later (or never). reading should be something you do for fun. it shouldn't be a chore. if you aren't enjoying a book, you can always put it down! not every book is for every person, and that's okay.

admittedly, i'm not very good at this one — i like to finish books; i'm usually curious to know how things end, and a lot of the time, i'm reading an ARC so i do want to finish it. but i have DNF'ed books before, and am an avid "i'm not in the right headspace for this one; i'll read it at some point" person!

setting reading schedules, goals, or deadlines.

sometimes, i'll set monthly TBRs — whether or not i stick to these TBR lists is a different story, but i feel like it helps me to have an idea of what i want to read so i'm not totally overwhelmed or at a loss for when i do want to read. if i've got a larger book (like les misérables, for example), i'll try to set goals for myself and read the book in chunks, so maybe 5 chapters this week, 5 chapters next... you get the idea. i also try to read most ARCs i get prior to publication date, so i've got a built in "deadline" — but that doesn't always happen!

book clubs, buddy reads and readathons are great.

i find readathons really helpful, because i get to be introduced to new books i wouldn't normally read, or i get to check things off my TBR list! either way, it's a win win! the same can be said for book clubs ( self plug for my own book club, tea time reads, which is a diverse book club held on discord ! ) i'm a very social reader, so i enjoy getting to discuss books with other people — i just naturally conversing, theorizing & analyzing, so book clubs and buddy reads are always something i have fun with.

setting matters. do you read better with noise? do you need it to be completely quiet? where do you like to read?

i used to only be able to read if there was some kind of background noise (preferably music). i like reading in bed, but i also have a very cozy chair that i like to read in! i also enjoy doing facetime reading dates with some of my best friends, where we're both enjoying our own books and just having a good time!

sprint sessions work wonders.

if i'm really struggling to focus, but i really want to read, sometimes i'll ask if any of my friends are down for a quick sprint! we usually do 30 minutes, but we can do longer as well. it's just a nice accountability method!

put your distractions away.

this one is a given, but really, just put your distractions away! i really enjoy focus mode on the iOS, which has a "reading" option — sometimes, i'll put my phone on do not disturb and just read for hours on end!

take care of yourself.

i feel like a lot of these tips are also tips i used when i was studying, and tips i use at work! but really, make sure you're hydrated, make sure you're doing okay too — it's hard to concentrate if your basic needs aren't met.

read what you want.

this one seems pretty given, but really — you don't need to read the most popular book on the internet. it is okay if you don't read it now, or ever. read the books you want to!

reread books.

if i'm in a slump, sometimes i'll reread a book! i really love rereading books; there's something so lovely about reading something where you already know how it ends. i think we as humans like to reach for things that are comforting, and i love going back and analyzing them from a new lens! rereading old favorites — or just books that you want to give a second chance — also just takes the pressure off of it!

hate read.

this one may be a little out of left field, but it really is something that's worked for me in the past. there are definitely books i've picked up with the knowledge that i won't like it very much! there are times where i've been pleasantly surprised, and also times where i've been completely validated. when i go into a book with the idea that it won't be a 4 or 5 star read, it takes a lot of the pressure off and it's just an easy, fun, no pressure book!

annotate.

i loved english class growing up, and i really do miss annotating books + discussing them! like i mentioned earlier, i've been having a blast rereading, annotating & even discussing books from a deeper lens lately. but another thing i've started doing is annotating my friends' favorite books — this gives me a way to either reread a book that means something to the two of us, or the chance to read their favorites! i think exposing yourself to your friend's favorite media is a form of love, and by doing so, i get to learn a little more about my friends in the process. it's just a really lovely project that i've been having a blast with.

i am so sorry at how long this post got! it really just got away from me 🤍 i hope this helped a bit, and i hope you find some books that you love! i'm always here to chat about books (whether you want to just scream about your current read, want recommendations, have any other questions, etc.)! hope you're doing well and staying safe! xx

#post: answered

[notfatandannoying]

this and that randomness

Life and the life you live are a culmination of small decisions.

She was mysterious, aloof, and attractive. She clearly didn't like me and had a lot on her mind. I was young, dumb, and needed to get off. She was the new girl in town that dropped out of nowhere. Anyway, I was a drunk daily, and my alter ego took over daily. I kind of floated through life like this.

I worked about an hour or so away, and it was a long (but fun) commute. It was a very loose office so we'd work hard before lunch, a little bit after lunch, and close the day with Doom and lots of beer. This meant that I usually drove home a little drunk. My next stop would be a friend's house to drink some more, get some pho or Thai food, then we'd go to the bar, and you know, drink some more. This is when I'd see her.

I make it home in time to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.

Why was I in a rush to be with someone? That is really hard to explain. I ignored all the red flags.

I have a taste for alcohol, and so did my dad, and yesterday my cousin passed away from a bad liver. Yikes.

I was on the couch watching AppleTV (yup). There's a series called Black Bird that intrigued me. M on the other side of the couch, me on the opposite side with my laptop, and just co-existing. As usual, not a hint of any attraction, love, lust, just co-existing. I'm not allowed to touch her, and when I do, she becomes very unpleasant. We obviously care for each other, right? Are sex and intimacy a requirement in a marriage?

For better or for worse - Isn't that the vow?

Is she even happy with me?

I know that she also feels stuck.

I love someone else, like I fucking love her. Is it lust/sex? I really don't think so, but I need to prove that. There are different levels of love. I completely love her and think about her almost every hour. I have conversations with her (in my head.) Maybe she's a witch and put a spell on me. HAHA.

I need to feed my soul, and there is this empty hole that is so neglected that I've grown to forget about it.

I do overthink. I go through things a thousand times in my head. The funny thing is, most people don't know this about me.

I love to kiss and she doesn't. In the early years, kissing and making out meant that she would get so horny. Kissing made her so wet. Yet, she hated to kiss and she really disliked fucking. She always pushed me off and gave me a peck. This really shaped me to be a dysfunctional lover.

She was raped as a child and a teen by different people.

Not by me.

Oh, maybe I did. I have forced her. I would pry her legs open, try to suck until her pussy was wet, or most often, just lube it up. Then fuck her. Sometimes she won as she was able to fight me off. Dysfunctional for sure. Sad too. That got old fast and this was ages ago.

She did have two kids with someone else, did she willingly have sex with him?

[lady-of-disdain]

Hello! I'm the same anon who gushed about your fic and you responded that it enouraged you in your writer's funk (which I'm so happy it helped fuel your fire!) I just finished reading the recent chapter and boy was it worth the wait!

I mean, Killer's practically moved in at this point, and Greenie is so chill about it even giving him his own pillow, that's so precious??? And of course Killer takes full advantage cuz he's an ass, but he does it in such a charming way.

Like, I was kind of scared he might get forceful with her when she kept declining his offered ride, but you're such a talented writer and I've clearly underesstimated you, because his actions at the end were so in character and a big veer from douche to fondly exasperating. I mean, he's kinda both, but the point is it was way better and funnier than I anticipated. This boy is so attached right now, it's unreal.

Your fic lives rent free in my head, kudos again to you, hope you're doing well!

*Grabs you and tucks you into my nest for safekeeping* HI! Hello! Did you know you own my heart Nonny???

I really love your messages they, and you, are a true delight! I'm glad you are enjoying the obnoxious trash gremlin, he really is horrible amazing isn't he? *swoons*

You know it's funny because I do also love it when Killer is written as very forceful, and dominant, and I think in certain situations he would be more so. But when I write him sometimes he just comes out much softer, and I feel like that's just a side of him he doesn't even realize he has sometimes. A side that certain situations happen to bring out of him. Sure he could just grab our dear Reader and shortcut her anywhere he wants. But tagging along with her and annoying her means he might convince her to go along with him next time, and anyways, he still gets to hang out with her, so he wins either way. uwu

(Heheheheehehe, dominant, boy howdy just wait until the smut happens because whooooooooo.... I'm going to be having immense amounts of fun)

Anyways, thank you again for your encouraging words. I'm about 3/4ths of the way through chapter seven now at this point too, and I SUPER cannot wait to get to writing chapter eight because it's going to kick off with one of my favorite Undertale fanfic tropes! >:3c As a thank you for your lovely comments, here is a sneak peek at chapter seven, under the cut.

'Trololo'

Your morning commute to work was anything but relaxing. Between an unexpected traffic jam, and Killer changing the music every 30 seconds like a 5-year-old with the world’s shortest attention span you were deeply regretting your decision of turning down his offer for getting teleported to work. You weathered it all pretty well you think, up until someone cut you off and break-checked you.

“haha! wow, that sucked.”

“Why yes, thank you Killer, that sucked quite a lot and nearly caused a wreck, astute observation- IF YOU TOUCH THAT SKIP BUTTON ONE MORE TIME I AM EATING YOUR FINGER BONES!”

Killer snickered but left the song. For the first time the whole drive you got to listen to a full song.

“i thought you said your commute was relaxing nurse? Not very relaxing from where i’m sitting.”

You caught that distinct shit-eating tone of voice of his when he was fucking with you, which was often, so you were starting to get used to it by now. Of course, he’s at least half of the reason for your miserable commute today, but you couldn’t blame all of it on him.

“Life’s hard and sometimes traffic happens,” you grind out. “Would be a lot easier to get through though if you didn’t keep skipping all my favorite songs.”

“life’s hard and sometimes you miss all your favorite songs. would be a lot easier if you could just skip the commute altogether,” he threw back at you smarmily.

You… did not have a response. Already you are feeling silly for having turned down his perfectly sweet offer. And why? So you wouldn't feel like you were taking advantage of him? So that you can continue to struggle all by yourself? Ok, so maybe you have a little bit of an issue asking for help from others, but why did you also have to turn it down when help was freely offered?

#undertale #killer sans #PLMM #undertale fanfiction

[tea-and-finalfantasy]

anyways as much anxiety as it's giving me to think abt trying to function "normally," it'd be nice to get that first job i mentioned bc of:

the subject matter (more focused than general eng tutoring, would just be in a student center presumably where i'd go over essays with freshman college students/doesn't require the kind of like. pseudo curriculum planning tutoring did lol)

the hours/schedule bc it's not overwhelming but still provides decent hours, is just a year so i don't have to panic abt committing to smtn my adhd isn't ready for lol plus if it's college, it'll adhere to that schedule? so presumably i'll get the same vacations or at least not have to commute for anything?

the location (bc i'd commute into boston which yeah means a small commute but on public transit + i'm familiar with it bc i commuted into boston for a year before, i went to college in boston, i live right by it like the commute isn't bad at all aside from like, the state of the mbta lol + the job is in such a familiar area like i've walked there before from college lol + you cannot stop me from getting food and snacks once i'm in there)

plus i wouldn't be responsible for like, making every student the best writer, i'd just ??? presumably go over what's working and what's not? and who knows if i'd always meet with the same students either? like it feels genuinely chill, esp in comparison to the tutoring i just did where the schedule being so erratic + never having a clear idea of what to work on when was just. ugh. fucking horrible

working with that student was great! loved them! but meeting once a week and essentially never having the continuity we needed--sometimes working on stuff that wasn't eng??? like i literally don't feel like i made that much of a difference which sucked. plus for only an hr a week, i didn't really make enough to justify the stress lol? like i should've just committed to etsy only lol

[fizzingwizard]

warning: menstruation talk

long and rambly

For a long time I've noticed a pattern where for a couple weeks I feel very energetic, can get lots of work done, and have time in the evenings to clean up or do hobbies without making me tired the next day. Then it's like I'll crash - suddenly it's so much more effort to get the same amount of work done and I just feel constantly tired. I'll go home, eat, and fall asleep right away. Can't even stay awake to watch stupid Youtube videos. And sleeping that long won't make me more energetic the next day - the fatigue lasts usually for like a whole week.

I have wondered on and off if it's related to PMS. But tracking it to find out is difficult. I might get sick and that's the reason why I'm tired. Or things might be busier than usual at work and that's why. It's very easy to feel tired in the summer here, when it's so hot and humid, I swear just sweating all the time uses up half my energy lol.

Anyway, I looked it up. Supposedly fatigue IS a PMS symptom. But bodies are so different that there are always multiple opinions on whether something is or isn't related to menstruation. Some articles claim PMS doesn't even exist and is all in our heads. It is incredibly difficult to say "I have fatigue because of PMS" because of all the other factors involved. But it really, really sucks to be this tired and have no reason for it. Work won't take "I'm tired for no reason" as an excuse, lol.

(I don't normally call in sick when I'm menstruating, I just pop a pill and tough it out. But I have done it a couple times in my life when it hit me right in the morning and the pain was so bad that the thought of going in and chasing a bunch of kids around with bloating and cramps was just too much. Only one or two times. Usually the meds are enough. But sometimes I am amazed that I went in on the first day of my period and was that physical and active despite feeling like someone spent all night stomping on my uterus. Not really amazed in a proud way. I don't want to call out and leave my coworkers to pick up the slack. But in a perfect world I would definitely like to be able to take at least the first day of my period off.)

If these patterns of energy-no energy ARE related to PMS, well, it doesn't make any difference on my life of course. But still it would just make me feel better to know. Otherwise I just feel like a jerk who was full of energy and making commitments last week and this week just doesn't even want to get out of bed lol. I always do get out of bed, it's not at such a terrible point where I need help or anything, I don't want to be alarming. I'm perfectly fine. I just would really like to not be this tired randomly xD or at least know the reason why. With PMS it seems like no one really knows anything for sure and everyone is just guessing, which makes it really hard to feel confident in what my own body tells me. It's not like my level of activity or my diet is drastically different from week to week. So it makes me think it must be hormones, but I have no way to prove it, only articles on the internet that say "sure, for some people, it's possible that could be a PMS symptom maybe!" Still it would help just to know for sure, even if there's not much I can do about it.

(from here some personal rambling...)

When I was growing up, my dad more or less felt like a hero for surviving my mom's PMS meltdowns. She would get very upset and cry about how overworked she was and how selfish the rest of us were. I don't know how often this was, it only happened a few times in front of us kids, my dad may have seen it more. Thing is, my mom did EVERYTHING. She worked because my dad's income wasn't enough. She did the majority of house-keeping and childcare. My dad had a long commute to work and didn't do anything once he got home. Which I completely understand, except my mom was also working and not ever taking time for herself in the evenings. Even after my dad lost his job and started doing more of the housework because he was home, somehow my mom ended up still doing it or redoing it. And not because she was finicky about results: my dad lit just doesn't notice if he leaves a trail of mustard all across the kitchen counter. Or at lunch he'll open a bag of bread and leave it there, open, on the table for hours, and finally put it away at 3 am.

Meanwhile my mom is actually a really kind, even-tempered, people-pleasing type... she would do anything for you and she loves and accepts everyone. Seeing her painted as a monster for these outbursts was really, really difficult for me. It was like being asked "Do you think it's okay for your mom to yell at your dad?" and I loved my dad so of course I didn't think that... but NOT being asked "Does your mom actually need more help and support than she's getting?" when the answer was kind of obviously yes. Not to mention my dad was a yeller as well. My mom had outbursts now and then, but my dad would come home every day to grouch and complain about his whole day and then fight with my mom over who knows what. It was literally every day. Not necessarily yelling every day, but being negative and dumping it on her. And we just accepted that as well. Mom is over-emotional during PMS and it's not okay, but it's okay for my dad to go on and on about how much his day sucks while he sits relaxing and my mom makes dinner and cleans up after working all day as well. It's okay because he "had a hard day" and "is providing for us." What exactly was my mom doing then??

whenever I see those traditional gender roles blogs I'm just like. Hello. my family is a perfect example of how much that does Not Work, at least not for everyone! you do you but I'm definitely going to support "alternative" families. I know from lived experienced how important it is for partners to support and care about each other's well-being and listen to each other, rather than that they fit a certain "pure, godly" mold holy shit.

back on topic... So my mom's meltdowns... really were pretty justified. And on top of that, she was told by a doctor a few years ago that actually, she wasn't having PMS meltdowns. She was having migraines. I don't understand it, my mom didn't give me all the details, but apparently that was the actual cause. Regardless, I thought they were PMS, and because I felt like men are martyrs when it's that time of the month for women, I was terrified of my PMS. I always felt like I couldn't trust my own emotions, either because they could be due to being extra hormonal, or because they were NOT and I was just a weak person blaming it on hormones.

Fortunately, I've been an adult long enough that when I look back, I don't see any emotional extremes during PMS. Rarely any at all. I don't like drama and, let's be honest, I'm very used to biting my tongue. The times I get most emotional are when I'm sick, stressed, or feel like things are out of my control, and with that I've just been very lucky in my life so far that I haven't had too many disasters. Of course I worry about how I'll handle the next one and am just trying my best to build my confidence. But at least I can say that I don't seem to have volatile PMS breakdowns. That really scared me growing up. I don't even know how common it really is. I just know that when I was a kid that was the number one "symptom" of PMS we heard about. Things like bloating and cramps, those too of course, but the emotional outbursts were the ones that affect other people so that's what people talked about.

Nowadays I don't even know if what I was taught about menstruation was even true, and I feel suspicious of what people say is true now. Most of it seems to boil down to "we don't actually know, your body is a mystery to us, anything could true and anything could be false. so just cross your fingers that the people you meet will be understanding instead of shaming you." which, lol

in sum I just wish I had more clarity about this stuff so I didn't have to feel confused. Am I the one suffering or the one making people suffer? Am I justified in feeling tired or am I just lazy and weak? :P A bit of both maybe?? Sometimes being a woman feels like just hoping you're making the least wrong choice, because right choices don't actually exist...

#fizz's life

[doberbutts]

Tbh I feel like a really big issue in EVERY community these days as people seeing things like a contest. All you did was talk about the struggles black men face and people immediately went "Okay but are you saying that's WORSE than what BLACK WOMEN FACE???" Like.... You didn't say anything even remotely like that.

Oppression isn't some kind of contest to be won by being the most abused/trafficked/murdered/raped. Do some groups, statistically, face more issues than others? Yes. Does that mean someone not a part of those groups facing issues somehow matters less? Uh, no.

It's like when someone with depression is told to suck it up and stop being sad because there are starving children in Africa who have it worse.

People should be allowed to discuss issues that group A faces without group B going "WHAT ABOUT US?"

Just because someone isn't talking about group B at This Very Moment doesn't mean group B doesn't matter or that their suffering isn't real, it just means that sometimes people are talking about other groups.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these people clowning on your posts

It's because I said I don't see the grass as being greener on this side and that our experiences really aren't that different as someone who has indeed experienced both.

People took that to mean "men have it worse" or "women don't have it that bad" when it means what I said it means and if people want to read deeper meaning into my words then that's a them problem.

When I was 15 an older white man pulled out his dick and waved it at me and my cousin while we were sitting on the bus because he felt that was an appropriate thing to do to a pair of underage black girls. Now that I pass about half the time and the other half people assume butch, gross perverts don't do that to me anymore. When I was on a bus trip to Alabama to help my friend get married, a white woman deliberately switched her seat from mine because she did not want sit next to a black man. She later sicced security on me at the bus station because she thought I "had something suspicious" in my bag. It was my rescue medication for my heart problem, my blood sugar test kid, my blood pressure monitor, and my 3DS.

I don't think white people sexually harassing me vs white people trying to get me arrested or executed both while I'm minding my own damn business on a commute are really able to be rated as "better" or "worse". Neither should have happened. Both occurred because of antiblackness. When I was being read as a girl, there was misogyny in it too. When I am read as a man, it's distinctly different from what would have happened if I'd've been read as a woman.

I don't think one's worse than the other. I think they're both shitty experiences to have had to deal with.

[power-chords]

I'm a little tipsy on a $15 bottle of prosecco, and I'm ordinarily a very cheerful drunk, but it is now 2022 and I am suffused with dread. Pre-emptive Sunday scaries are probably just putting me in a foul mood, that and staring down the barrel of 10 more weeks of bitter cold and dark. It's turning me into Eeyore: Jewish American Princess Edition.

I had a dream the other night that Bowery Ballroom closed down, and it wasn't even the pandemic, it was because the building got bought. Like what happened to Roseland. But the fear is still there, clearly, running around my subconscious with a megaphone.

2021 had its moments. Man, they were great. I can't stop thinking about how happy I was: to stand in a museum with my mother, to look at a painting right there in front of me and not through a screen, my hand over my chest because I felt this swell of emotion I couldn't even identify. Or watching a theater full of people get up and dance during David Byrne's American Utopia, the silly kind of dancing you do when you don't care who's watching, simply because they couldn't help themselves.

Fastball with my dad in the summer sun in Pelham, watching him sing along to the band I introduced him to, that we get to share with each other now. Low Cut Connie in Philly, in New York, in Asbury Park, being unable to stop dancing myself.

And the crowning jewel, seeing the Hold Steady at Brooklyn Bowl for Massive Nights and throwing my arms around friends I hadn't seen in years, Camie putting her arm around me while I cried during "Citrus," a year and a half of bottled up anguish and catharsis and joy coming out. And again during "Killer Parties," for me a ritual discharge every year, but this time like a dam breaking. Couldn't wipe the grin off my face when I got home each night, picking the confetti out of my clothes.

I made new friends that weekend, too. I always do. You talk to people at gigs, the lunatics who showed up in the queue around the same time you did, standing next to you on the barricade, and you recognize the same essential passion, hunger, affliction — whatever you want to call it — to share in those two hours of sublimity. A blink of an eye. You're there, and then it's done. It will never repeat itself, it will never be the same twice.

I went to 42 shows, I think, in 2019. In 2021, I went to 10. (I had tickets to many more, but there's that fucking virus going around, and sometimes I just had to make the call.) I was so happy to be in concert halls and clubs again, it hardly bothered me. It still hardly bothers me. It was more than enough, that bliss was so great, my gratitude so profound.

I don't need to go back to 2019. I need to know that my sanctuaries, my church basements aren't going to shutter. It keeps me up at night. 12-step programs gave me nothing but baggage. Live music gave me my life back.

And then I think about all the time I spent with my husband, just enjoying each others' company, watching movies together, talking and laughing, having great sex, taking long naps. All those hours that are gonna be funneled back into a commute, sitting in an office. The pandemic has been awful, but the logistics of the upheaval made me realize just how much time I was wasting on shit that doesn't matter.

My dad has heart disease, now, too. On top of everything else. I don't know how much time I'll have left with him — my best friend in the whole world. I should be able to work from home when I want to, in the company of my other best friend in the whole world, the love of my life. We should all be surrounded by our loved ones, enjoying art, making art, those activities that make life worth living. We should be able to do so safely, without weighing this interminably shifting calculus of risk to health and sanity. We should have gotten paid to stay home and ride this out, we shouldn't have fucking vaccine patents, we ought to be done with this shit by now. It sucks. It hurts. It scares me.