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crowparties · 1 year

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not me once again in xyx brainrot thinking about camping i am so violently ill

robo deep in the xyx tag talked about how xyx likes radio plays and would go on roadtrips w his family and im like just sitting here wondering how they managed to make xyx even more my type

idk how to do READ MORE on mobile forgive me

he rents out a camper van for you both. you sit on the passenger seat, feet kicking. “is there anything i can do to help?” you ask, shifting your weight to turn and face him.

he tweaks your nose, his eyes crinkling at your pout. “don’t worry love, it’s all set. i’m just checking on the power supply and battery. we’re going to be off grid for two days. i just want to make sure.”

“i didn’t know you were a car guy, xyx.” you tilt your head to get a better look at him. he laughs, “it’s not my first rodeo. we have an old VW camper back home, it’s parked further out back, so it makes sense you wouldn’t have seen it during the holidays.”

you turn back, and watch him work through the passenger mirror. when he slams the compartment shut, he eyes the contorted visor and strikes a pose. “can’t get enough of me doll, can you” a pleasant flush runs across his face when you answer genuinely. you have no right to be that adorable.

this is what the drive is like: radio plays and informative podcasts that you two spent the past few nights carefully curating. one of xyx’s hands is on the wheel, while the other is entangled in your own. you’re absentmindedly running circles on his hand, eyes closed, taking in the sunlight. there is a map in your side compartment, and a camera in your lap.

(and he’s seen you in many fits, but this feels different. this is not the glitz and glam, or the sweats and beadhead, or the business casual paired w a kiss out the door. it’s not just everyday casual, it’s your shoulders slacked, the way the sun kissed your hair, and most importantly the small smile graced across your lips. and its terrifying and comforting all at once, how he wants this moment forever. it’s different than you hugging him from the back of a motorcycle, but welcome and beloved all the same).

you don’t know much about camping, but he’s ecstatic to teach you. by the end of the night you were able to light their stove properly and set about preparing the meal the two of you brought. it’s thrilling to work in such a small space, shoulders bumping absolute no leg room. the van’s back doors are fully open, along with the side door allowing for maximum airflow. music is softly playing from the mini speakers you brought, and he takes small notice of the way your body sways to the beat of the song. (later that night he spins you around outside, it’s no soft tempo jazz or upbeat club music, but something valuable all the same).

he loves to see what you take pictures of. an oddly shaped tree, a rock that looks like a wizard hat, a strange bug thats a common pest you haven’t encountered yet. there’s something nostalgic about it, something about it that makes him want to show you the world if you’d let him.

that night when you both are curled up staring at the stars through the starlight. he presses a kiss to your temple. “hey, doll?”

“yeah?” god, your sleepy voice is adorable.

it doesn’t escape his notice that your hand is already reaching for his, at the sound of his voice. “how about when we both get home, we give my folks a call about bringing the old VW camper out of retirement?”

he squeezes your hand, grinning as he feels you return the gesture. yes, you’d like that very much.

#IM WATCHING SOLO CAMPING VIDEOS HAVING A PROBLEM #once again i think about dating but know it wont work out bc they wont be xyx blooming panic #WHATEVER THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS IN THE TAG #i like xyx being able to do slower adventures and enjoy life with you #also like being able to relive childhood memories and rediscover anlot of old passions w u #how cool… u both just geek out and are excited #get to cook for another #im sleeping im crying dont percieve me bloomic fandom im out here insane #i have to get xyx out of my system i am not built for this #i want to hold his hand so bad

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sticks-and-stone · 1 year

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Palm Bluff Conservation Area

November 25, 2022

I wasn’t planning to go solo on this trip at first, but Jenna had something come up at the last minute and couldn’t go with me. It had been about 2 months since our last trip and I didn’t want to give up the opportunity to go, so I decided at the last minute to go alone. I had reserved a spot at another St. John’s Water Management District Site. This one was called Palm Bluff Conservation Area. It was south of Daytona Beach, so about a 3 hour drive for me.

I had the day off of work on Friday because of the Thanksgiving holiday, so I had the perfect opportunity to get out to camp before dark for once. I packed most of the car up the night before and loaded up the rest of it on Friday morning. I left for camp a little bit before noon and stopped for the usual ice, beer, and snacks on the way. I relied too much on luck to find firewood for sale and ended up not getting any. I figured with how much daylight I had left, I could forage for some at camp and then go out and buy some the next day if I needed to.

I arrived at the gate at 330pm. The gate was entirely too difficult to find. It was tucked back in a corner of a field right off of the main road. There was another gate at the front of that same field with a very prominent sign on it that read “NO CAMPING” Not a great sign; pun fully intended. Eventually I found the correct gate marked for camping and got it open no problem. For some reason, a feeling of anxiety started brewing while I was opening the gate. I felt completely exposed to the road. Anyone driving by would be able to see me unlocking this gate. But I got it opened and I went in, locking the gate behind me.

Usually at these water management district sites, the campsite itself is at least a mile or two (sometimes longer) from the gate. This site was right around the bend. All of 50 yards from the gate. Which meant anyone walking by the gate, if they angled themselves correctly, would be able to see me and my site. I knew I would have to set up strategically to keep my privacy and peace of mind.

The first thing I did once I arrived at the site, was give it a little walk-around. I like to do this in order to find the best spot to set up the tent and to look for any safety vulnerabilities. This site was huge. It had a fire pit and benches in the middle of the huge open field (probably about 50-60 yards in diameter). Much larger than I was used to. I didn’t want to be too close to the fire pit with my tent because it could be seen from the gate, so I decided to set up in the far back corner between a group of pine trees - ripe for tarp hanging.

I started by hanging my Paracord. Cutting it feels like a defeat, so I focused on keeping it at its full 150' length. I wrapped it between 4 trees that were not equally distant from each other. So hanging my tarps was going to be a challenge. I utilized my binder clips and folded tarp corners down to make them fit and after a couple of readjustments I made it work okay.

Once I got the tarps up, I put up my new hiking tent. It was easy to set up which was the point of it, ultimately. I was getting tired of the complicated set up of most hiking tents. so since my last one broke at the last camping site, I bought this one. It’s a simple X pole set up with doors on both sides. I got it set up in no time and then filled it with my sleeping gear. I didn't open my sleeping bag or inflate my sleeping pad just yet. I just threw everything into the tent thinking I would set everything up when it was time to sleep.

Next, I set up my chair and the pop-up potty. I learned a much better way to set up the potty than I had been doing and it was significantly easier this time. It was around now that I started noticing the road noise. There was a thin layer of brush between this campsite and the highway, so the road noise, once I started noticing it, became deafening and the only sound my brain would process. I needed to distract myself.

At this point, the sun was starting to go down so I took the opportunity to scavenge for some firewood while I still had some light. I found some big pieces and some sticks. There was plenty of dry pine straw around for kindling. I made my way over to the fire pit and to my shock and surprise I found a small skull in it. It was either a small dog, a raccoon, or a big cat. whatever it was, it freaked me out and I decided not to touch it. I just moved it to the back of the pit with a stick and planned to just build the fire at the front of the pit.

The bugs were pretty bad here; worse than I expected for this time of year. I had my repellants, but nothing was really working on the gnats; especially once I turned on my headlamp. I knew a fire would be the best thing to help keep them away, but I was worried about how far away my setup was from the fire. Eventually I would have to leave the fire to go to bed. The bugs were going to be much worse over there, I could already tell.

I struggled pretty badly trying to light the fire. It’s a bit embarrassing. The pit was damp and the wood was damp; the kindling was dry, but that wasn’t enough. It was impossible to get anything to catch. I was getting frustrated; not only with the fire, but the bugs, the skull, the site placement. All of it was starting to upset me. I spent two solid hours fighting with the fire before giving up and deciding to just deal with the dark over by my tent. Maybe having a beer would help calm me down.

I posted up in my chair under my tarp canopy in the dark. Turning off my headlamp helped with the gnat problem a little bit, but it did not help with my increasing worries. Suddenly, irrational anxieties filled my veins. I tried to sip my beer and forget but I could not shake the feeling of fear. I felt so exposed; so vulnerable out here by myself.

This was not the first time that I camped alone, so why did this trip feel so different? Instead of trying to rationalize with my anxiety, I tried to come up with ways to work with it. I decided I would sleep inside my car for the first night. I thought that maybe if I was locked in the car I would feel safer. I started by removing my sleeping bag and pad from the new tent and tossing it in my car. It was helpful that I hadn’t opened any of it up yet. Then I moved the items still in the car (such as the cooler, kayaking gear, guitar etc.) off to one side so that I could lay out my sleep system on the other side. I got it finished and then realized I would have to push my driver’s seat all the way up to make everything fit. Which meant I wouldn’t be able to quickly drive away if I needed to. (Admittedly, this is a strange place for my head to go and looking back on it, it's completely silly.)

So in the split instant, I just decided to leave all together. There was no point in staying at this secluded campsite any longer if I was going to be paralyzed by fear the entire time. So I started moving everything into my car. I didn’t fold up the tent; I just balled it up and shoved it in. I did the same thing with the pop up potty and the tarp canopy. I even cut some of the Paracord I worked so hard to keep intact.

The whole time I was rush-packing I could feel gnats buzzing around my face and ears. Hands busy with gear, I couldn’t swat them away. And taking the time to do so just meant delaying the packing process. I felt like I was losing access to all of my senses. I couldn’t hear over the road noise and buzzing gnats. I couldn’t see in the dark. I couldn’t smell anything other than the remnants of an attempted fire. I was sweaty and shaking and tried (but failed) to get my bearings while I hurried to pack my gear.

Within a few minutes I had everything in the car and was sitting in the driver seat trying to get my heartrate back down to normal. When Jenna and I evacuated Huguenot so many trips ago, we packed up in a similarly rushed manner. My thoughts went there and to that evacuation as I sat silently in my car. When we got into the car after shoving everything from the site into it at that beach, we were relieved and even started laughing and took a selfie. This time though it was dark, I was alone, and leaving felt like a life or death decision. I have a much less cluttered car than Jenna did at Huguenot, so packing up in a hurry was a bit easier and faster, but the dread that was building in me was increasing with every breath. This was so much worse than Huguenot.

My anxiety worsened as I was sitting in the car. The desire to leave quickly became urgent as I fell into a full-blown panic attack. My heart raced, my vision blurred and tunneled, and my breathing shallow and then I was wheezing to catch it. I couldn’t see anything and I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of my heart beating in my ears and the road noise nearby (I couldn’t shake the road noise). The lack of access to my senses made me incredibly vulnerable and scared. I turned the car on, quieted the radio, and took off my headlamp. It was time to go.

I circled the site once in my car before leaving to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind. As soon as the site was behind me and I was approaching the gate, The panic intensified and the feeling of being chased overtook me. (Nothing was chasing me to my knowledge). As I got to the gate, I dreaded having to get out of my car again to unlock it. But I did it and I got it on the first try. I drove my car through it and instead of stopping to lock it behind me, I just kept driving away. (I am ashamed of this part).

I reached the road within seconds - the proximity which triggered this entire episode - and as I turned off onto the street I could feel the blood leaving my face and returning to its rightful places throughout my body. My hands kept shaking a little, but my vision focused again and without the bugs and total darkness, my other senses returned to me as well.

I didn’t get half a mile away before the panic subsided to a low anxious roar. I was okay enough to stop at a gas station for some comfort snacks and then I was home and relaxed by 9pm. I texted Jenna while I was approaching my house to let her know that I had bailed and that I was home safely. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to let someone know that I was okay as a way of telling myself that I was okay.

I didn’t unpack anything from the car except for the fanny pack that I was wearing. Dealing with all that balled up, messy gear would have just made my night even worse. My priority was dealing with my balled up messy brain. The next day was Saturday and I had nowhere else to be, so I planned to just deal with the gear then. I took a hot bath and then put myself to bed.

The next day I got up and wasted no time dealing with the mess that I had made myself. Waking up in my own bed after a full night’s sleep was the comfort I so desperately needed. I got right to work on emptying out my car and folding tents, tarps, and other mistreated gear. I ran into my roommate and had to admit that the “vibes were off” with this camping trip and that as a rule, if we don’t feel completely comfortable where we’re camping, we leave. No questions asked and no judgment. He understood and the evacuation felt validated.

Jenna and I have always had that rule, but never had to use it. We always say that if even one of us gets a bad feeling about a camping spot, we just leave. That’s the beauty of car camping after all, right? The complete freedom to come and go. I’ll never know if it was the site placement, my own head having too much free space, or the fact that I was alone that really set me off. The site had a lot of cons to it including its proximity to the road, but overall it wasn’t entirely bad. (I’ll never go back though). Maybe it was the eerie skull I found. Maybe it was the last minute change of plans of Jenna’s. Maybe it was all of it combined for the perfect storm. Whatever it was, I likely won’t be solo camping outside of campgrounds and state parks for a while, if ever.

Stay Dirty,

Stone.

#camping #tent camping #tent #solo camping #car camping #primitive camping #adventures

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