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waywardstation · 27 days

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WIP FRIDAY

I apologize for getting this out two days late, I’ve been busy with lots of packing and events! But I have a little reprieve, so I wanted to post another WIP; this one is from Heart Full, Bowl Empty.

BE AWARE THAT THIS SEGMENT INVOLVES A CONVERSATION REVOLVING AROUND UNWILLING BUT INTENTIONAL STARVATION. I know there are people who say they can’t read this fic because of themes like this, so be aware of this before reading this WIP!!

I included this snippet in today’s WIP because I have like three versions of the entire segment this snippet is from. I feel like it’s a really important segment with a really important conversation, and I’ve had a hard time balancing all the emotions the way I want to between Ingo and Akari, with frustration, sadness, anger, and empathy, to realistically get them to the resolution I want at the end of it.

The final version will probably only include a few parts from this particular segment.

Enjoy!!

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“I knew it! You’re doing it again!” Akari’s eyebrows scrunched, trying to understand through the frustration. “You said you wouldn’t!”

“Circumstances will improve soon.” Clearly done with the conversation, that was all Ingo said, but it was confession enough that he had fallen back on his word. Shame contaminated his voice, but if there was any regret, he hid it well.

“No, it won’t!” They were not even half-way through winter yet. “And you know it won’t!”

Ingo said nothing as the kits carefully moved around his slumped form, finding comfortable places to settle around him. She didn’t know if he intended to snuff the conversation out with angered silence, or if he was just too exhausted to care about arguing with her anymore. If it wasn’t for his small occasional signs of movement or acknowledgement, she’d think he was actually sleeping.

Akari carefully stepped into the nesting layers, moving to sit down next to Ingo. She settled with her back against the cavern wall, pulling her knees close as a few kits shuffled around to accommodate her. “You know I’m right.”

Huffing out an irritated sigh and nothing more, it didn’t seem like Ingo had any intentions to engage with her argument anymore.

“You couldn’t even pull yourself up over the ridge,” She prodded at him again, trying to motivate more conversation out of him. “I had to help you!”

“There are many, many factors that go into that.” A reluctant answer, perhaps a reflexive attempt to quell her worry; Ingo feebly rubbed his wrapped hand, almost as a display for his excuse.

“I’ve seen you do more when you’ve been hurt worse.” Akari retorted, a little softer now but still cold.

Ingo’s eyes remained closed, though his hardened expression implied that it came across as more accusatory than she’d intended. But perhaps it was precisely the time to be accusatory.

“Ingo, you’re so tired all the time now – you stopped coming to the training grounds because you just can’t make the trips all the time anymore! And you’re sleeping so much more than you used to, and it’s like you’re always hungry all the time, even though all I see you doing anymore is gathering food!” Akari’s voice grew more jagged as she continued to jab at him, entirely uninterrupted.

It was getting difficult. With Ingo’s tunic still sopping by the bucket, still somewhat red from the exhausted effort of washing out the blood, it could not hide the ribs that pressed out just a little bit more, or help fill out what the waistline had lost under the loosening belt. The abject dread of directly acknowledging that was too much.

“And- and look! You aren’t even willing to hold a conversation with me anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because you just won’t, or because you can’t!” The kits shifted uncomfortably as Akari retreated back into her own frustration instead. “People think you’re sick, Ingo! They’re asking me about you! What are you doing?”

The exhausted man remained where he laid in the nesting material, only moving his hands to rub at his face and sigh — a deep, forced sigh that swelled his side before releasing. Akari almost didn’t think he’d answer her, but with some effort, he propped himself up first onto his elbows, then slumped forward. The teen watched him run shaky fingers through his hair as he sat next to her.

“…I don’t know what I should do.” The guilt. The weary guilt cracked his voice and tore Akari’s anger down to heartache.

#ref for fic #BE AWARE THIS IS DISCUSSING INTENTIONAL BUT UNWILLING STARVATION #tw starvation #just in case #cause I know not everyone vibes with this story #and I’ll say it’s been weird myself returning to these segments I wrote months ago and re-reading them #AND TO BE MORE CAREFUL I talk about a personal situation sort of dealing with this below #a lot has happened in the timeframe of originally writing this and coming back to this #at the end of fall I got very very sick and it lasted well into February #I unwillingly shed thirty-five pounds because I could not eat #and I didn’t notice at all until I stopped and realized just how tight I had to make my work belt #even when family members pointed it out during the holidays when they’d hug me #it wasn’t until someone got very concerned and did something about it that I realized just how bad it was #I’m sure people remember when I mentioned I had gastritis #that’s what all this was I just never really went into detail about how bad it truely was here #so coming back and reading this segment specifically #having written it months before I went through any of this #felt really really weird and a little uncomfortable #I edited Akari’s accusations a little to fit my situation more about a month back #because I did not realize just how much more stuff like this would make you want to sleep #at least in my experience #but it’s been very very just #strange I guess coming back to this #it doesn’t make me want to not work on HFBE anymore it just feels very weird

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aimseytv · 1 year

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i love zombie apocalypse related anything. writing? i eat that up. art? give it to me. heart breaking angst that’ll make me wanna claw my eyes out? more please

#there is just something so brilliant about zombie apocalypse related stuff #listen i know it’s so overdone but i will never get over the whole *someone is hiding their infection from the person who loves them*#person a is hiding their infection and their bite #person b has no idea #person b finds out #person b doesn’t have enough time to be angry so they just stand there like WHAT? WHY? WHY?#person a says they didn’t wanna hurt person b #but this hurt person b the most #because now person b will continue living once person a has passed thinking they didn’t trust them #but that was never the case #person a just loved them too much and couldn’t bare to see the pain in person bs eyes #ITS SO CORNY BUT OWWW

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allamericanb-tch · 2 months

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taylor swift wrote all the young dudes, no one believed it was really her, and then she wrote the great war to prove them wrong.

#i’m not saying taylor swift did absolutely 100% for sure write atyd #but i do think it’s very possible #especially considering that when atyd was published she was in her era of hiding from the media and from everyone #and before you say “taylor swift doesn’t know enough british slang to have written atyd”#have we forgotten joe?? her LONDON boy?? she literally lived with a brit #i’m sure he would’ve been more than happy to help her out with some words #after all #he loved her #and not to mention #taylor swift was born in 1989 #mskingbean89 #has a birthday on september 4 #9+4=13 #13 is taylor swifts lucky number #in case you forgot #or didn’t know #and we know taylor has the ability to write fast while also writing well #as proven by folklore and evermore #she was betrayed by one of her best friends #and someone she trusted sold her music #her life’s work #to someone she hated #she definitely would have understood the feelings of loneliness and betrayal remus experiences after lily and james’ death #we know that writers like to explore their own feelings and traumas in their works #in chapter 175 (when remus is dealing with his friends’ betrayal) mskingbean89 says that she wrote it immediately after chapter 1 #she was definitely eager to get to the part where she could get really into her feelings #and need i mention cardigan?#so yeah #im not saying taylor swift wrote it but she very well could have

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tricksterlatte · 1 year

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It always makes me sad whenever stories with hopeful messages or lighthearted moments are sometimes dismissed as unintelligent or weaker than tragedies. Isn't joy and hope what makes a dark journey worthwhile? Not every story needs an unhappy ending to serve as a lesson.

I will forever be a fan of stories that say hey, maybe the world is a rough place, and it will always be this way, but you can make a difference with the people who matter to you. Even if no one else will know, even if no one else will remember, the ones you loved, and who loved you in return, will remember. People who are holding onto you, even at the end of everything else. People who remind you that new beginnings are born from the ashes.

My favorite stories will always end with love, hope, and the sun rising on the horizon after hell and high waters. The world can be so cruel, but we can choose not to be as individuals. Joy is as human as anger and sorrow. Joy is what we reach for when we are at our lowest, whether we realize it or not. We want what was lost back. I love stories where the characters reach the light at the end of the tunnel, emerge on the other side, and are allowed to heal. Even if they’ve done bad things, even if they aren’t perfect, isn’t that true of all of us?

#Parker says things #writing stuff #I’ve been going through some big changes this year and honestly every year up til this point #I’m tired. but I’m healing. I like writing about similar #I’m damaged. I’m flawed. I’m a little broken. but I can still be good #I can still seek light after everything that’s happened #this time last year I was writing out of desperation. putting something out there in case I didn’t make it #but I made it. I’m still here. even if I flubbed along the way #i spent a lot of time hating the person I was this time last year? now I just want to hug him #he’s gonna be okay. kinda funny the stuff I wrote to stay alive led me to someone who changed my life for the better #and I changed for the better too? special thanks to my clown frogs and my Kanonno squad #I don’t talk about stuff and idk if you guys are seeing this but just know you mean a lot to me #it’s late and I’m rambling but reading and writing about light in the darkness led me to my own light #so I’m going to keep at it #thank you especially to Nyx. don’t know where I’d be without you but I love you so much #tricksterlatte writes #this is sentimental but I don’t care #expanded version of a post from bird app

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turnleft · 2 months

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do you ever think about how in journey’s end donna thought she had nothing else to live for, but in the star beast she had something (someone) to die for

#like!!!! in JE she chose death because there was truly no reason for her to live #(ofc the doctor did not let her die and he wiped her mind against her wishes to die as the doctordonna)#and then in the star beast she chose death because of rose. because of shaun. because of sylvia and wilf and all of london #ofc tsb isn’t the first case of donna agreeing to risk her life/sacrifice herself for someone else #she jumped in front of ten when the racnoss empress ordered to shoot him #‘never mind us’ in fires of pompeii #the suicide in turn left (and she didn’t even know the doctor in that universe and still gave her own life for him)#ANYWAYS back to my point #the difference between her choosing death because her old life is so depressing vs her in TSB choosing death bc her old life needs saving #you can say she was pretty much suicidal in JE #and fifteen years later she got her own family. a husband. a daughter that she loves more than anything. a mother who actually appreciates-#-her.#maybe i’m connecting random dots but i think it’s a beautiful example of why you should always keep going. things WILL get better.#my posts #donna noble

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aussie-bookworm · 7 months

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So fun fact, I just discovered there are end credit scenes in ofmd season two

#itsallmine #so if you’re missing a character it explains where they are?#problem is the credits are so fucking long it’s easy to miss #but during that last episode while everyone was in the republic of pirates fang and roach decided to have a self care day #I shit you not #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd season 2 #ofmd s2 #only way I discovered it was because I wanted to listen to all of con’s singing #and then the scene happened and I went back to check all the past episodes and yep they all have them #nice lil bonuses #just sharing this in case someone who didn’t know finds this

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tariah23 · 24 days

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Someone just told me that they saw someone post a tshirt that they bought off of redbubble with my art on it uhhh

#crying into my shirt rn #you can’t do any fucking thing about art theft and the ppl who buy the shit don’t care where they’re getting their merch from just as long #as they can fit the shit #rambling #I bought stolen art of kurama back when I was younger off of eBay since I wanted a case for my iPod but #I was younger then and didn’t know any better… never again though :(#I know how it feels man #sometimes I wished I never started posting my art online man #it sucks since this was a commission for someone so it’s even more ignorant to take an idea that someone else wanted me to draw for them #and wear it on their body…

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impossible-rat-babies · 14 days

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I’m still thinking about that “you promised” “I know” post

#lost in the SAUCE #it got me thinking about a gpose idea #thinking about the. the stay safe everyone. and come back #line from EW. and krile’s you must triumph #like. painting a picture for a second of like #eyrie in the elpis field with the meteia hiding their eyes at they turn to face the camera #but they are smiling and there’s just the text of you promised. I know #cringe is dead I think they both have nightmares about ultima thule #eyrie has them a lot it’s like. pick a moment #the twins are the nightmare they have the most. losing them for good #but losing Estinien is a nightmare that comes close behind #it’s a resurgent nightmare of losing someone you love #but Estinien has nightmares of finding eyrie in the elpis field #beyond the fuck it we ball of canon #I think it’s like. a case of eyrie didn’t show up at the ship so everyone went out to explore again #and the teleporter did work after a fashion #it just being created by the mix of eyrie and zenos’s wishes took them to the elpis field #Zenos’s desire for eyrie to live + their own desire to have a nice place to die #meant they ended up in the field #it just ended up being that the scions found their body w a few of the meteia around them #i think about UT a lot Shdjdjd #endwalker spoilers #owen talks

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even-disco-baby · 2 years

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Suggestion/request if you need any, maybe Kim and Jean talking after Kim joins Precinct 41?

PERCEPTION (Hearing) [Medium: Success] — Wait. You can hear voices just outside the window. Familiar voices. If you concentrate, you can just make out what they’re saying through the pitifully thin glass.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…smoke Drouins, too?”

KIM KITSURAGI — “I’m giving them a try.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Oh, *hell* yeah. You should go join them for a smoke.

SUGGESTION — Or… hang around by the window for a minute or two first.

YOU — What? Why?

SUGGESTION — Oh, come on, Harry. Aren’t you a *little* curious about what those two talk about when you’re not around?

INLAND EMPIRE — You don’t want to know. Don’t even think about it. Lock that thought away with her letter and anything else that might hurt you.

YOU — Isn’t it wrong to eavesdrop?

SUGGESTION — You’re not eavesdropping, you’re just getting a breath of fresh air by the window! It’s not *your* fault that your two closest friends also just so happened to be having a smoke right outside the same window. The precinct is public property, anyway. If this was a private conversation, wouldn’t they have it on *private* property?

ENCYCLOPEDIA — I think you’re confusing private ownership with privacy.

SUGGESTION — Oh, look, a new copotype. Grammar Cop.

They’re my friends, so I should respect their privacy. (Step away from the window)

They’re my friends, so they wouldn’t be talking about anything they wouldn’t talk to *me* about, right? (Eavesdrop)

INLAND EMPIRE — You’re too trusting. So are they, it seems. You’re going to be the death of each other, someday.

PERCEPTION (Hearing) [Easy: Success] — You casually lean against the wall beside the window, sipping water from the cooler and listening to the muffled voices outside.

KIM KITSURAGI — “…late nights?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Everyone here works late. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But Jude and Trant have kids to look after…”

EMPATHY — He’s got nobody. That’s something you and he have always had in common.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “This late, it’s usually just me and Harry.” He pauses, perhaps to take a drag from his cigarette. “…And you?” He asks more than says it.

KIM KITSURAGI — “And me.” His voice is flat and quiet.

EMPATHY — He’s got nobody, too.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — Another long pause. You can see Jean’s hand suddenly come into view through the glass.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] — Don’t panic! He’s just flicking the ash from his cigarette. See, it’s fine. If you’d flinched, they might have seen you.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “How’s the Drouin?”

KIM KITSURAGI — “Not bad. I might make the switch.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Ha. I like them better than Astras, but most people disagree.”

KIM KITSURAGI — He gives a noncommittal sort of hum, nothing more.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Any reason for the switch?”

KIM KITSURAGI — “Just wanted to try something new,” he says lightly.

DRAMA — A lie if I ever heard one, sire.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Astras remind him of Martinaise. Of loneliness. Smokers on rooftops and balconies and in traffic jams. A corpse on the boardwalk. A corpse that could have been *you.*

-1 MORALE

INLAND EMPIRE — I told you not to listen.

SUGGESTION — No, no, surely if you listen long enough, you’ll hear something *good* about yourself.

Walk away.

Keep listening.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…Can I ask you an unprofessional question?”

KIM KITSURAGI — He hesitates, just briefly. “I suppose.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Why the hell did you agree to transfer here? I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re glad to have you.” A pause. “Well, more like we were totally fucked without you.” Another pause. “Okay, we’re still fucked, just less fucked. But you could have stayed at the harbor and *not* been fucked.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — If only there was as much fucking going on around here as he makes it sound.

KIM KITSURAGI — “Hm… I suppose I could have.” He pauses for a smoke. “But I think that the 41st will be… more important in the grand scheme of things than the G.R.I.H.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — “UN JOUR SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI.” Whatever is coming, he feels it’s going to come here first.

KIM KITSURAGI — “And like I said, I’ve been wanting to try something new.” You can almost hear the smile in those words.

DRAMA — But they are still not entirely truthful. Oh, he *does* long for something new. That part was the truth, sire. But he won’t find it here. Deep down, he knows it. And there you find the lie he tells himself over and over again, every day he reports for duty.

CONCEPTUALIZATION — “Nulla sarà cambiato della luce.” Nothing will be changed about the light. Nothing will ever be changed…

PERCEPTION (Hearing) — Silence falls, so lengthy that you almost think that they must have finished their cigarettes and started their way back. And then—

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “I thought maybe it had something to do with the shitkid.”

COMPOSURE — To call the following silence “loaded” would be a massive understatement.

YOU — Oh… I don’t know if I want to hear this…

INLAND EMPIRE — Leave now. Please, just leave.

SUGGESTION — Stay! They care about you, that’s what they’re going to say!

INLAND EMPIRE — That’s what makes it all so sad.

Spare yourself.

Stay.

KIM KITSURAGI — “…And if it did?” His voice is calm, like deep, still water.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Then I was going to warn you not to bet everything on a losing dog.” His voice is calm, too. That’s what hurts the most. “You haven’t known Harry long enough to see the pendulum swing the other way. And it *will* swing, Lieutenant. It’ll happen right when you start to think that maybe it won’t. And then things will get uglier than you ever thought possible.”

DRAMA — …He isn’t lying, sire. Nor is he trying to intimidate the lieutenant. He believes every word he’s saying.

YOU — Wait, so then… then it’s true? All the progress I’ve made… is it worthless?

INLAND EMPIRE — Nulla sará cambiato…

VOLITION — No. He’s waiting for the past to repeat itself. But it doesn’t have to, Harry. At least, not always in the same way. Don’t lose hope.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “…I’m not trying to be cruel.” His voice suddenly softens. Saddens. “I just don’t want you to end up with regrets. There’s no fixing that guy, Kim. People have tried.”

EMPATHY — *He* has tried. And for his troubles, he’s had all sorts of cruelties hurled at him. Humiliation, abuse, betrayal. Broken promise after broken promise. He’s almost exhausted any hope he ever had.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Almost, but not quite. That’s what hurts him the most.

-1 MORALE

INLAND EMPIRE — You’ll die at this rate.

VOLITION — Why are you doing this to yourself? Their words are not ironclad truth. You don’t need their permission to live. And you *definitely* don’t need to hurt yourself like this.

SUGGESTION — It doesn’t matter. You don’t have a choice anymore. You *need* to hear this.

Stay.

KIM KITSURAGI — An uncomfortable shuffle of nylon can be heard, even through the window. “…I appreciate your concern,” he says stiffly. And that’s *all* he says.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — He knows he doesn’t sound like he means it, but he does. And he also knows that Vicquemare will be embarrassed, maybe even hurt, by the curt response. But he can’t think of a single word to say.

EMPATHY — It’s hard for him to face people head on like this. It’s easier when he has something to hide behind. Like you and your antics.

PERCEPTION (Hearing) — A long sigh. You’re not sure whose it is.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — And then you see Jean’s hand toss his cigarette butt into the grass. “Well, who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re some kind of miracle worker. I mean, two of you apparently *attract* miracles. You know, with your pheromones.”

KIM KITSURAGI — “He wasn’t talking about *our*… khm. Actually, never mind. Let’s not start the cryptid thing again.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Yeah, let’s not.” He sounds a little gruff as he says it.

EMPATHY — He is sad that no miracle ever happened for him, and angry that it came for someone else at all. But most of all, it hurts him that your miracle was someone else.

YOU — I’m sorry for forgetting…

EMPATHY — Forgetting what?

The things he did for me.

The things I did to him.

Why I am the way I am.

All of it.

EMPATHY — He can’t hear you, Harry.

VOLITION — There’s no point in being sorry for how everything played out. Your relationships with them, your sobriety, the case, the Insulindian miracle— all of it is as much a product of circumstance as anything else. A matter of who was in the right place at the right time. All you can do now is choose what to do with what came of it.

That is why they’ve run out of things to say now. They are sad and uncertain, but they have chosen to carry that. What do you choose?

To tell them I don’t need their fucking pity.

To be sorry all the same.

To distance them from me before the pendulum swings.

To make sure they never leave me alone to die.

I don’t know. I want to do what’s right, but I don’t know what that looks like.

VOLITION — None of us really do, Harry. Just do your best.

KIM KITSURAGI — “…I’m not trying to fix him.” His words come out clunky and awkward. Sudden, as if he said them against his better judgment.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — “Uh huh.” He sounds doubtful.

KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant clears his throat. “That is to say… I believe he can get better. He *is* getting better. But I don’t think… Well, let’s call it a… a chronic problem.” He clears his throat again, clearly uncomfortable.

EMPATHY — It’s hard for him to say that he doesn’t think you’ll ever put it all behind you. It makes him feel callous.

KIM KITSURAGI — “But… I think that’s all right. We all have things we simply have to learn to live with. But we do live with them. And I think he’s getting better at living with… with everything,” he finishes, trying to put it as delicately as possible. “That is all I can ask of him.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — Maybe someday, he’ll tell you and Jean about all the things he has learned to live with, and the times when he very nearly didn’t. But not today.

JEAN VICQUEMARE — You hear the click of a lighter. Another cigarette. “…I see. Well, if he’s made any progress, he probably owes it to you.” He makes a valiant effort to conceal the bitterness in his voice.

KIM KITSURAGI — “No,” he says quietly, “I don’t think so. I think… Well, it doesn’t really matter what I think.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS — A freshly cleaned room. A little girl come in from the cold. A handkerchief pressed into the hands of a working class woman. A wall with the words “I LOVE YOU CUNO” painted in giant red letters. Dancing ecstatically around a hole in the world. He remembers it all, but he is at a loss for the words to explain the true miracle of it all. He wishes that Jean could have seen it and understood.

YOU — So do I…

#disco elysium #jean vicquemare #kim kitsuragi #harry du bois #requests #anon #THANK YOU FOR THIS ONE I RLLY ENJOYED IT…#jean and kim are so. interesting.#since kim is smth of a wish fulfillment fantasy for the suicidal #and jean is like… well more like the nightmare scenario ksbsjdnc of someone who you’ve managed to push to the breaking point #but who still cares about you and that’s the most painful part #so i imagine jean and kim’s dynamic to be a little tense w a slight resentment from each of them #where kim dislikes how vitriolic jean can be but also understands where it’s coming from and even feels a little guilty abt the situation #and jean is legit hurt that his friendship w harry (sort of) withstood so many years of harry being an asshole #but didn’t seem to make any difference to harry #and then in walks kim who’s just Some Guy and suddenly harry is cleaning himself up for him #but he knows that’s not fair and he genuinely likes kim so he’s just like. *miserably befriends you*#and then on top of that the case in martinaise is starting to crack through kim’s resignation to being a cop #but jean is so… well idk if anything will ever get through his resignation tbh.#‘’there is nothing more in that beloved future of yours. we are all done there. done and gone.’’#so yeah. lots of tension between them and lots of thoughts that kim can’t bring himself to share w jean which only makes the tension worse

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