#shes so autistic to me. i wish i as more articulate so i could talk about how good she is but i am not doing too good on that fornt rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

troglobite · 2 years

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no better time than 6 fucking am to just be hit with how utterly, crushingly lonely you are

how even friends that you love are moving on w their lives without you

you’re not a priority, and you can’t make them one bc they have other more important things

how even ppl you thought were safe to be around can say something so casually hurtful that’s not even about you but it hurts. and you don’t realize until it’s 5:30 and you’re trying to sleep.

amazing that having met w 2 friends today and meeting w a different one in 5 hrs, i feel so utterly, pathetically alone.

i feel like i’m cutting tiny portions of myself off to hand to other ppl to make friendships and keep communication open sometimes

but i just

i stayed up too late reading. i was gonna go to sleep 3 hrs ago. and instead i stayed up late reading.

and it was probably a mistake. i really enjoyed it but it just hurt. bc it was this beautiful prose abt ppl who had built lives for themselves by age 30. who had friends who could see all these pieces of them without it needing to be said. who could understand each other. who still did say things, but didn’t always need to say the small things. who felt safe in disagreements and discomfort.

who weren’t alone.

and i loved it and it hurt my stomach all the way down to my pelvis the way some emotions hit me. and i’m just sad.

i don’t feel like anyone actually knows or understands me. i do my best to do that w or for others.

and part of the problem is that i simply don’t trust anyone enough to be myself and part of that is that i’m tired of handing myself to someone only for them to go “oh. no thanks.”

i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of only mattering in pieces. i’m tired of not having energy for people, and them never having the time or energy for me.

i’m tired of having to be someone else around/with everyone i talk to. and “everyone” sure is doing a lot of heavy lifting that isn’t accurate.

the number of ppl i talk to w any frequency right now: 7

it’s usually more like 4 or 5. i’ve had an unprecedented uptick in communication from a few people.

the number of ppl that i feel like i can be 1000000% of myself around, whether or not it has anything to do with them: 1

and i don’t know if it’s reciprocal.

i didn’t budget or plan for or anticipate a complete fucking meltdown at 6 am, sorry

oh i guess i could count my therapist for a whopping 8, bc i talk to her once a week. and then 2 bc the whole point is to be myself in therapy.

my life is nothing that i wanted right now

i’m almost 30 and i barely have friends. i don’t have a life. i have no marketable skills. i’m on medicaid bc i can’t find a job, and even if i did, it would pay me nowhere near even half a livable wage.

i’m so tired and miserable and i just can’t take any of this anymore.

trying just HURTS because NO ONE i know is in the same situation as me. and that sounds so egotistical and pathetic.

but i just mean

idfk what i mean

no one gets it and i guess it’s unfair and stupid to want someone to get it about everything

maybe it’s me

maybe i’m broken and fucked up

i wish i could kill my past

every day without even trying i just don’t think abt who i used to me, i’m just living in the now and recent past and thinking abt that

and i just wish past me didn’t exist and i didn’t have to carry them around w me all the fucking time

idek how to articulate what’s WRONG right now i just HURT i hurt so much i feel sick and i can’t stop crying

i guess i’ll just take an anti-anxiety thing and shove it back down to get a whopping 4 hours of sleep before i have to pretend to be fine again in front of someone i’ve “known” for 16 years who’s going out without masks, whose whole current drama and life struggle is about this woman she loves and who loves her

every time i just have to try and accept that people have been awful to be bc i’m short and fat and mexican and queer and trans and autistic

i just see other ppl who share these traits who don’t share the bullshit i went through or am going through

or who are in loving relationships

or have so many friends

or who are so successful

and i just want to die

what is WRONG with me? why is it like this for me, why am i like this?

i just want to know what’s so fucking unlovable about me bc i wasn’t

i wasn’t always this pathetic in this way

but my stupid fucking life is just and has just not been that fucking awful

why am i so weak?

and i can’t just SAY this to people. to the people who are my friends. that i’m supposed to trust.

you can’t just DUMP taht on someone.

which is why i just bullshit it into the void on here for ppl to choose whether they read or engage or not.

i know it’m annoying and pathetic. i put it under read mores. you know what this is, you can (and should) scroll right past without reading. i know most ppl do. and good. i’m not trying to manipulate or guilt anyone into this.

i need to be out of my own head with this stuff like i’m explaining it to someone else bc if it’s a journal or a diary i get sick of my own bullshit too fast and i know what i’m going to say before i type it so it’s pointless

i’m just sorry

i feel like i have to justify everything

i don’t want to hurt anyone--at least not due to negligence. accident, it happens.

i have so many plushies now. and my new one that i can’t let go of. it just feels so sad and pathetic. holding them all the time.

i’m 27, almost 28, i’ve never dated, i’ve never been myself in any friendship. idk who myself is bc i’m so twisted around and busted. and i’m so afraid. constantly. and i feel. insane. with fear and with seeing so many people i cared abt just. not. care. about any of this anymore.

and there’s nothing i can do to fix it.

i wish i had gone to sleep 3 hours ago like i had planned to. i’ve been tired this whole time. my eyes burning.

all i know abt myself is that i can never shut up or leave well enough alone. idk what close relationships look like. idk how to be a person. i can’t do this. i can’t carry this. i’m so tired of burying how i feel and biting my tongue or choosing anger bc it hurts less and fades quicker. i’m tired of losing track of time and days. i’m tired of being a disappointment. i’m tired of being disappointed.

i should take a fucking anti anxiety thing and go to sleep and stop. bothering everyone. i’m going to be a mess when i have to talk to my friend in a few hours on like no sleep and puffy eyes and i’m going to have to help her manage her traumas and feelings and other sundry bullshit (not derogatory) so that she stops getting herself hurt bc if i’m being given the power to help then i have to take it. if i don’t then i’m letting her get hurt. i will have done nothing.

i’ve already spent weeks and hours and thousands of words via IG DMs. she couldn’t be there for me when i needed her. she doesn’t pay attn to where i am in my life. she’s trying to figure out who i am but doesn’t listen to me when i try to tell her.

she acts like i’m always putting myself down.

i’m not. i don’t. i try not to.

i’m just stating facts about who i am and what my life is.

and if that feels like i’m insulting myself then you’re just making me feel even worse bc my life is apparently so pathetic it sounds like an insult.

no, i’m not qualified for that job you sent. i’m flattered you thought of me and i appreciate it, but i’m not qualified.

no, i’m not selling myself short. i know ppl in the industry and i know it takes more than what i have. it would take years to be anywhere near capable of being ready for that position--and it’s not even in an area that i would want to pursue.

but pushing back and pushing back against that as if i’m insulting myself

and i just keep

“by then i’ll be hotter than the cheerleaders [because i’ll be thinner]” and “you’re not fat!” and her fucking ex-girlfriend making fun of fat americans while my mom and i fed her pizza that we paid for. her paranoia about fitness and thinness and how she sucks her stomach in in all of her pictures.

all of the ways i am made to feel shame for who i am right now. it’s alien to them, to everyone.

i don’t have. a social life. i barely have friends. and the ones i have just. say things.

and i feel ungrateful, or cruel, or judgmental, like i’m holding people to impossible standards that they can never meet.

and maybe i am. bc why would i ever trust anyone.

i don’t want to deal w my stupid fucking inner child, the pathetic kid who was weak and clueless and who no one actually liked.

i was just amusing. or they could cheat off of me. or i was convenient.

or i did things for them, emotionally. i supported them. we had jokes and fun.

but it was never anything more--not for me. not towards me.

i’m so good at not needing anything and no one ever seems to complain.

and then when they do and i take them up on it and try to change my behavior it just doesn’t go well.

i’m perpetually too much.

just look at all this fucking bullshit i’ve typed out after telling myself to just take a pill and go to sleep. TWICE.

i don’t like knowing what loneliness feels like. it’s so crushing and all-consuming. i’ve already been here before. i never wanted to be here again, but somehow worse.

bc i’ve worked so hard. to get better. to build things up. to have a life. and i failed. just like i fail at most things.

imagine changing your expectations and goals in life so many times, continuously making them less and less ambitious, and still managing to fail and fall short. imagine. well, i’ve done it. i’ve managed it. and i hate it.

“everyone’s afraid of rejection, but you just have to push through”

i’ve known almost nothing except rejection for all of my 27, almost 28, years of living. i’m tired. i had gotten over it, i thought i was stronger and could move on bc it wasn’t always rejections.

then grad school happened and the pandemic happened and it just became rejections all over again, implicit and explicit.

when will anyone else take responsibility for everything so it’s not my fucking job to have to deal w everything myself, entirely alone?

and all of this bullshit. isn’t. enough. i cannot. go to other people w this. why would i? why sympathy would they have for any of this? pathetic. weak. i’m so tired.

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inamindfarfaraway · 3 years

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Autistic Terminology Speech

[This is a speech I wrote and delivered for my GSCE English speaking project, with a guideline of about five hundred words but any topic we chose. It got a distinction. I have decided to post it here.]

I am autistic. Autism is a disability caused by natural neurological differences that affect how people perceive and interact with the world. Despite having always existed, it is shrouded in misinformation, misconceptions and misleading, inaccurate labels. A simple solution is to examine autistic terminology; words have power, and the more people on the spectrum can articulate what that means to them, the better.

What spectrum? You may have heard that autism is a spectrum due to its diverse array of characteristics - it never manifests the same way twice. A lot of people see the spectrum as a straight line ranging from ‘more autistic’ to ‘less autistic’. From ‘mild’ to ‘severe’. If you’re ‘high functioning’, you’re more capable and independent, closer to being neurotypical (or NT). It can be like you’re barely even autistic, so it’s also called Asperger Syndrome. If you’re ‘low functioning’, you struggle more in everyday life. This is the kind of autism people pity, complain about in public spaces, call a burden on families, use to justify abandoning children.

This needs to stop. Functioning labels are a false dichotomy. I’m supposedly ‘high functioning’, but I still face plenty of challenges and appear not to because I’ve subconsciously learned to mask my autism to fit in. Saying it affects me less denies me the support I do need. A ‘low functioning’ person could have enormous potential, but not the respect and higher expectations to reveal it. Dismissing them as helpless denies them the agency they deserve. The spectrum is a circle like a colour wheel. Shades blend together, and red is no less of a colour than green.

Another major debate is person-first vs identity-first language. Person-first language is saying, “Person with autism” and “She has autism”. The idea is that autistic people are people first and foremost and shouldn’t be defined by what is clinically considered a disorder. Sounds fine, right? Indeed, NT people, including those with autistic relatives, generally preferred person-first language in surveys. But the wording implies that autism is something separate from the person. That it could be ‘cured’ or removed with little harm done. This is a dangerous line of thinking, and perpetuates the myth that autism is a disease or might as well be, stealing children’s true personalities and burying them in traits that are hard to understand and live with. I can’t stress enough how wrong this is.

Identity-first language is what I use, saying, “Autistic person”. It recognizes a truth we are fighting to make heard: autism is an integral part of our identities. A different way of being. It affects all our thoughts, actions and experiences like biological sex, and we are no less human for it. My autism is not a bag of traits and behaviours I carry around; a little dog that follows me and yaps or jumps up when I do something unusual. Everything I do is autistic and everything I am is autistic. In online surveys asking autistic people what language they preferred, identity-first language was preferred by up to 93% and never below half. There’s a clear disparity between NT people’s language and autistic people’s wishes.

Words have power. Words can divide or unite us. If the stigma around autism is ever to fade, we need to rethink how we talk about it.

#autism #autism positivity #autistic pride #autism advocacy #autistic rights #autistic terminology #actually autistic #autistic people #person-first language #identity-first language #autism spectrum #autism acceptance #autistic language #speech #autism speech #my speech

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aces-to-apples · 3 years

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Your Reputation Precedes You

A response to “On Fandom Racism (and That Conlang People Are Talking About)” because lmao that cowardly bitch just hates getting feedback from people that she can’t then harass into oblivion

i.e. God I Wish I Could Use The Tag Fandom Wank Without The Titty Police Nerfing My Post

To be frank, I'm not here because I think you or any of your little cronies are going to change your minds. If the 'name' wasn't a giveaway, your group of ~likeminded individuals~ have quite the reputation for espousing ableist, antisemitic, and, yes, racist views under wafer-thin the veneer of "calling out racism." I think we both know that what you're actually doing is using the relative anonymity of the internet and progressive language to abuse, harass, and bully fans that you personally disagree with. You and your group are toxic, hateful, and utterly pathetic, using many peoples' genuine desire to avoid accidentally causing harm and twisting it into this horrid parade of submissiveness to You, The One And Only Arbiter Of Truth And Justice In Fandom. Never mind that you have derided autistic people as lacking compassion and empathy, that you've used racist colonizer dogwhistles to describe a fictional culture based heavily on real live Maori culture, that you've mocked the idea of characters having PTSD, or that vital mental health services are anything more than "talking about your feelings with friends uwu." Let's just ignore that you have ridiculed the idea of adults in positions of power exerting that power over children in harmful and abusive ways, that creating transformative fan-content that doesn't adhere to the spirit of canon or wishes of the original author garners derision and hatefulness from you, and that you've used classic abuser tactics in order to gaslight people in your orbit into behaving more submissively towards you in order to avoid more verbal abuse.

Let's toss all of that crucial context aside in favor of only what you've written here.

What you've written here is nearly 3,000 entire words based on, at best—though, admittedly, based on your previous behavior, I am actually not willing to extend to you an iota of good faith—fallacious reasoning. You posit that a constructed language, to be used by a fictional religious group located in an entirely different galaxy than our own, is othering, racist in general, and anti-Asian specifically. This appears based in several suppositions, the first being that a language unknown by the reader will, by nature, cause the reader to feel alienated from the characters and therefore less sympathetic, empathetic, and caring towards the characters. That idea is patently ridiculous and, I believe, says far more about your ability to connect to a character speaking an unfamiliar language than any kind of overarching truth about media and the human condition. New things are interesting; new things are fun; the human brain is wired from birth to be fascinated with new things, to want to take them apart, find out how they work, and enjoy both the process and the results.

The second supposition this fallacy is based upon appears to be that to move away from the blatant Orientalism of Star Wars is inherently anti-Asian. While I find it... frankly, a little bit sad that you cling so viciously to the Orientalist, appropriative roots of Star Wars as some form of genuine representation, that's really none of my business. If you feel that a Muslim-coded character bombing a temple and becoming a terrorist and a Sith, a white woman wearing Mongolian wedding garb, a species of decadent slug-like gangsters smoking out of hookahs and keeping attractive young women chained at their feet (as it were), a species of greedy money-grubbers with exaggerated features and offensively stereotypical "Asian" accents, and an indigenous people wearing modesty garb based on the Bedu people and treated by most characters as well as the narrative as mindless animals deserving of murder and genocide are appropriate representation of the many, varied, and beautiful cultures around the world upon which they were "based," then that is very much your business. Until you pull shit like this. Until you accuse other fans, who wish to move away from such offensive coding and stereotypes, of erasing Asian culture from Star Wars. Then it becomes everyone's business, especially when you are targeting a loving and enthusiastic group of fans who are pouring their hearts and souls into creating an inventive and non-appropriative alternative to canon.

Which leads into the third supposition, that a patently racist, misogynistic white man in the 1970s, and then again in the 1990s, intended his universe to be an accurate and respectful portrayal of the various cultures he stole from. I understand that for your group of toxic bullies, the term "Death of the Author" holds no real meaning, but the simple fact of the matter is that George Lucas based his white-centered space adventure on Samurai movies while removing the cultural context that gave them any meaning, because he liked the idea of swords and noble warriors in space. He based the Force and the Jedi Order on belief systems such as Taoism and Buddhism, but only on the surface, without putting any real effort into into portraying them earnestly or accurately. He consistently disrespected both characters of color and characters coded to be a certain race, ethnicity, culture, or religion, and likewise disrespected and stole from the cultures upon which he based them. He was, and continues to be, a racist white man who wrote a racist story. His universe has Orientalism baked into its every facet, and the idea that fans who wish to move away from this and interrogate and transform the text into something better than what it is are racist is not only laughable, but incredibly disingenuous and insidious.

As I said, I am not writing this to change your mind, because I truly believe that you already know that "cOnLaNgS aRe RaCiSt" is a ridiculous statement. The way you've comported yourself in fandom spaces thus far has shown to me that you are nothing more than a bully who knows that the anti-racist movement in fandom can be co-opted for your benefit. If you tout your Asian heritage and use the right language, make the "right" accusations and take advantage of white guilt and white ignorance, you can have dozens of people falling at your feet, begging for forgiveness, for absolution. And I think that gives you a thrill. So, no, none of this will change your mind because none of this is genuinely about racism—it's about power, it's about control, it's about fandom being the only space where you have some.

So I'm writing this for the creators of this wonderful conlang, which has been crafted by multiple people including people of color, who don't deserve this nonsensical vitriol, and for the fans reading this manipulative hate-fest, wondering if they really are Evil Racists because they don't participate in fandom the way you think they should.

Here it is: fandom has a lot of racism, antisemitism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism, etc. baked into it. Unfortunately, such is the nature of living and growing up in societies and cultures that have the same. The important thing is to independently educate yourself on those issues and think critically about them—not "think critically" as in "to criticize" them, but to analyze, evaluate, pick apart, examine, and reconstruct them again in order to come to a well thought-out conclusion. Read this well-articulated attack on a group of fans who have always welcomed feedback and participation, are open about their backgrounds, their strengths and weaknesses, and wonder who is actually being genuine.

Is it the open and enthusiastic group who ask for the participation of others in this labor of love? Or is it the ringleader of a group of well-known bullies who have manipulated, gaslit, and then subsequently love-bomb people who did not simply roll over at the slightest hint of dominance? The ones who spent hours upon hours tearing apart, mocking, deriding, and falsely accusing authors of fanworks and metatextual works of various bigotries and -isms, knowing that those evaluations were spurious and meant only to cause harm, not genuine examinations of the works themselves or even presumed authorial intent. The ones who made their own, quote-unquote, community so negative and toxic that even after the departure of a large portion of them, including this author in particular, that community still has a reputation for being hateful, toxic, and full of mean-spirited harassers who will never look critically about their own behavior but only ever point fingers at others. The ones who are so very determined to cause misery wherever they go that as soon as their usual victims are no longer immediately available, they will turn on each other at the slightest hint of weakness.

This entire piece of (fan)work is misinformed at the most generous, disingenuous at the most objective, and downright spiteful when we get right into it. The creators of Dai Bendu, along with various other works, series, and fan events that these people personally dislike, have been targeted because it is so much easier to harass, bully, and use progressive language as a weapon against them, than it is to put any effort into making fandom spaces more informed, more positive, more respectful.

As someone rather eloquently put it, community is not a fucking spectator sport. You want a better community, you gotta work at it. And conversely, what you put into your community is what you'll get out of it. This author and their friends have put a lot of hate into their communities, and now they're toxic cesspools that people stay well away from, for fear of contracting some terrible form of harassment poisoning.

Congrats, Ri, you've gotten just what you wanted: adoring crowds listening to you spout your absolutely heinous personal views purely to live out some kind of power fantasy, and the rest of us staying well away, because fuck knows nothing kind, helpful, or in good faith has ever come from Virdant or her echo-chamber of petty, spiteful assholes.

No love, bad night.

P.S. Everyone actually in the Dai Bendu server knows your ass got kicked because you didn’t say shit for a full thirty days and ignored the announcement that inactive members would be culled. You ain’t cute pretending like it’s because you were ~*~Silenced~*~ after ~*~Valiantly~*~ attempting to call out racism. We see you.

#fandom bullshit #fandom racism #fandom harassment #fandom ableism #fandom antisemitism #fandom misogyny #by apples

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autisticslp · 3 years

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Day Ten of Autism Acceptance Month

How important is representation to you? Is the representation that is out there generally good or bad? What is your favorite piece of representation? What you like to see more of in autism representation? What would you like to see less of?

I have many thoughts, but not the brain power to fully articulate those thoughts, so if anyone wants me to clarify please ask because I will do so when I have more brain.

It’s really nice to see someone who operates like me on screen or in a book. It makes me feel like I’m not some total freak of nature. I think autism representation is pretty mixed, but I the waters are also muddied by the number of characters who aren’t explicitly autistic or are autistic coded. I wish that more people had the guts to do their research, talk to people, and create unapologetic, canonically autistic characters.

Some autistic characters I like include Pablo from the kid’s show Pablo, Entrapta from She-Ra, Abed from Community, Manik from the podcast Autonomic, and Xandri from the book Failure to Communicate. The list of autistic coded characters is a lot longer. I also have a large collection of picture books featuring ND kids, but that would be a whole separate post (or seven).

I would really like to see more canon autistic characters who have just normal lives (or at least, normal lives considering the work of fiction they’re in). I love characters like Data with all my heart, but I think that sci fi is especially bad at rarely having actual canon autistic characters. I wish there was more diversity in autistic characters, in terms of ethnicity, family of origin, interests, occupation, co-occurring disabilities, use of speech, etc. This is especially something I struggle with when it comes to kidlit. I’m always trying to find books that mirror my students, but finding a book about a black, hard of hearing, nonspeaking autistic teen girl with an intellectual disability, OCD, and a communication device? Not gonna happen. What about a Peruvian American nonbinary kid with cerebral palsy and severe faceblindness who’s currently in foster care? No way. Even finding something reflecting a few of those characteristics is impossible.

I also wish that media wouldn’t shy away from showing the “hard” part of autism, but that it could be done in a way that wasn’t tragic. Lots of characters are bad in social situations and have intense interests, but very few also have sensory differences, meltdowns, stimming, difficulties speaking, etc. Basically I’m saying that I want more holistically autistic characters.

#30DaysofAutismAcceptance #2021 #actually autistic #autism #autistic representation #disabled representation #pablo bbc #entrapta #abed nadir #manik mitra #autonomic podcast #xandri corelel #failure to communicate

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lord-of-fidgets · 2 years

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I had a shitty experience with one of the schools counselors today. I won't go into detail but I'd only met with this guy two other times - so he doesn't know me at all. My friends know I value open communication, bluntly and honestly and I encourage them to be blunt and honest with me when the need arises and remind them they are welcome to call me out on any bullshit or anything similar. And my friends don't abuse this, either.

I say this because when I go into a counseling space - which takes a lot of courage for me to do so due to things I have to deal with and am living with - I go into that space just as openly.

Well the counselor - who is meanwhile a student who is getting his degree through the sister university of this college - started discrediting anything I was feeling, started defending anti-vaxxers, started disagreeing low-key when I said I prefer ( and a lot of other autistics I know perfect ) "autistic person", etc.

But he made it sound weird and like he was both disagreeing and agreeing with me and I was unclear the whole time what his stance was and stuff and he tried to tell me that "labels" like autism really didn't define a person and there was more to people. Idk I don't know if I'm explaining it right but it made me upset the whole rest of the day and I'm not going back there. Ever.

I'm professionally diagnosed. And anyone who genuinely knows about autism who knows me also knows I'm "visibly" autistic ( for lack of better wording right now). And the same counselor was like : "well, you show some signs of empathy and like you're articulate..." But never really made a point and ignored me when I tried to explain I had to learn how to be outwardly empathetic and exaggerate the emotions I project because my mom would try to get me to cry over things she found sad but it wouldn't bother me or try to get me to react emotionally when upset to the point I'd have a meltdown. I learned social things from books and movies and noticing patterns in people's interactions. Etc.

I wish I could place a finger on what he was doing but I guess it just messed with me. Especially since I had to go to special Ed and more. And when I tried to talk about my ( again professionally diagnosed) dyscalculia he was like "well it seems like you can do math though" as a response to me. Which isn't true. I wanted to break down then because it felt like he was discrediting everything I've went through and experience on a day to day basis.

I guess if anyone has encouraging words to share I'd appreciate it because after the meeting I've been really upset and shaky. Thankfully one of my best friends was able to help me through a lot of it but it's hitting again and I'm kinda shaky.

#actuallyautistic #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #autistic #autism #actuallyadhd #autistic community #autistic adult #actuallydyscalculia

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yesokayiknow · 6 years

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Since Tumblr is eating asks, I'm not sure if you got this ask already, but who in Supergirl do you headcanon as autistic? I was wondering because of your tags about Cat being autistic. (I def sent this 10 times already but I'm worried that Tumblr still might have eaten all the other asks, so sorry if you got flooded with 11 asks asking the same thing! XD)

So ah, sorry about sending the same ask 10 times. I was misinformed about Tumblr eating asks.-it’s fine dude! dw abt it!!

and hm.

so of course we gotta start with kara danvers, love of my life, autistic superhero. she stims (lil jumps and rocks and pillow hugging which are!! adorable!!), she info dumps (mostly abt superman tbh which is honestly!! still v adorable), she meltdowns when she’s overwhelmed (see: the entirety of the red faced ep), isn’t great with sarcasm, a terrible liar, gets overstimulated quite a bit, trips over her words a lot, curls up in her cape and blankets, is v articulate w words but terrible at spelling (which yes of course could be related to the fact that english is her second language (which i wish they’d delve into more bc that’s fascinating) but spelling problems combined w how ridiculously clumsy she is are p big indicators are dyspraxia, which is common in ppl w autism), is very very very tactile

ok so we haven’t seen a lot of clark but i tend to always hc him as autistic so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a s t r a. god. breaking into someone’s place to try and ask for help?? iconique. has no idea abt social norms, has a v formal way of speaking, has like. no idea what she’s feeling at any time which honestly how relatable. empathy who?? idk her. holds herself in a v stiff way. doesn’t know what to do w her hands. her only interest is saving the planet, and she doesn’t know how to convey that in a way that’s accessible to literally anyone else. has one (1) emotion and immediately starts a coup

(and listen i know that hc an entire race as autistic is unrealistic but also i don’t care kryptonians are autistic fight me)

then of course! carter!! honestly one of the most autistic coded characters in the arrowverse (just narrowly beating ray palmer, imo). finds it hard to hold eye contact, info dumps a Lot (but only to ppl he feels comfortable speaking to, else he doesn’t speak at all), isn’t great at empathy, speaks v plainly, finds it hard to joke and be sarcastic

and also. hm. i was realising that in one of my aus alex seemed to have? autistic traits?? and i was like hm that’s not canon. then i was like. wait a minute. bc alex danvers?? finds empathy hard (especially if it’s not with someone she personally cares abt), is pretty good in social situations if she has a script for them (see: absolutely freaking out when maggie first turned up, which like don’t get me wrong she’s 100% a useless lesbian but also not realising maggie was flirting w her? not understanding that maggie might not like that alex tried to celebrate valentine’s day when she flat out stated that she hated it? kara going missing so she just straight up dumps maggie bc she can’t deal w all these emotions at the same time?), has a pretty black and white view (i know it seems p morally grey to everyone else but like. either alex comes out w her sister or not at all. which seems black and white to me), doesn’t really touch ppl? unless she really trust them? special interests are kara and bioengineering and could honestly talk abt either of them for hours. bedside manner what bedside manner? ‘how to show i love somebody and would kill and/or die for them?? *punches winn* perfect’

winn!! me, through tears: kara and winn are autistic best friends and they love each other so much and you can quote me on that. talks in inappropriate moments, info dumps abt his many special interests (though mostly computers and pop culture), trips over his words a lot!! stims w his toys (also probably likes the noise typing makes), hates lying and is awful at it

also! now cat! i’m just gonna copy my tags bc i’m unbelievably lazy and also i guess not everyone’s seen them?? okay so. so!!! so carter’s clearly on the autistic spectrum y/y, people with autism tend to have other family members who are also autistic. such as their parents. and okay so hear me out!!!! bc cat???? hates change, has to have things Exactly as she likes them, can be pretty black and white, is Very good at being sarcastic but can’t always tell when other people are, is very easily distracted/annoyed at bright colours/loud sounds/strong smells, is very blunt and hates lying, doesn’t really know how to respond to emotional displays. cat grant is autistic thank you for coming to my ted talk

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skyhelmwriter · 6 years

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A Weird, Wild Journey

Below the cut is a long, possibly rambling discussion of my personal understanding of myself. It focuses primarily on how having one (1) prominent DifferenceTM made discovering and accepting the others more difficult.

I’ve always been weird. Hell, I’ve always been WeirdTM. And for a long time I thought the reason I didn’t feel the same as other penis-havers was a matter of the one big, glaring difference I had from everyone else I knew: I was autistic.

I was diagnosed at the age of seven with Asperger’s Syndrome, but these days I’d be described as “on the spectrum” and “high-functioning with obsessive tendencies.” And this made me different. In my life, I’ve met maybe three other people with the same diagnosis. It’s something that’s so uniquely my own that I thought it had to account for all the differences between me and other people who seemed otherwise identical to me.

I’m lucky to have a form of autism that allows me to understand my own symptoms and manage them consciously. I barely have to force myself to modulate my tone, make eye contact, or think about how other people feel, because I’ve independently arrived at the conclusion that those are good things to do (not useful, good. That’s an important distinction). I often tell people that I “brute forced” my way into empathy. I had to learn it, when other people simply do it.

Around the same time I was diagnosed, I made friends with someone. She was my first real friend, and she was a bit of tomboy. She could defend me better from the bullies (there weren’t many, but they were brutal) than I could defend myself. She called herself a tomboy, and I responded that I must be a tomgirl, because I was interested in many things it seemed only girls were interested in. She didn’t seem convinced, so I brought the conversation home to my parents.

My mother was also unconvinced. She seemed to think that I was just feeling different because I was...well not strong. That didn’t make me effeminate; it just made me different, and different was okay. I’d always been “sensitive,” but that was very literal. My sensory nerves literally took less input to activate.

So I dropped it. Because my parents knew better. Again, I was seven. They said that I shouldn’t talk like that because other boys might not take well to me if I didn’t act like a boy. So I acted like a boy, and I liked boy things, and I did boy things.

And as I grew up, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was different, but I already had this really convenient explanation for what it was that made me different. And everything that was different about me could be traced to it. My shitty handwriting came from a nervous disorder associated with ASD. My deep and unusual interest in various things came from the obsessive behaviors associated with ASD. My physical weakness came from my introversion (and my asthma), which was a symptom of ASD. My nerves, my strange bodily structure, my repetitive behavior, it was all because of my ASD, and so I lumped other strange feelings in with that, too.

I attended high school in what could politely be called a suburb. In reality, it was White Central. I say this to give you an idea of exactly how...Republican....you should expect general sentiments to be. It was widely thought by anyone in the student body that someone who supported, say, gay marriage (I went to high school in the late 00′s and early 10′s) must be gay themselves, because (and here I’m directly quoting students) “why would you care if you weren’t gay?”

Never mind that I was a minority as well. I wasn’t neurotypical. I could feel for people being discriminated against because I’d spent years convincing teacher after teacher that my shitty goddamned handwriting wasn’t something I could fucking help, and watching my grades suffer because they “couldn’t read” my writing (never mind that it was usually perfectly legible and they were just being assholes because it wasn’t pristine). Never mind that you ought to treat people decently regardless of how they differ from you.

And of course, I wasn’t gay. I was definitely attracted to girls. And I was socialized only to think about how I could be attracted to girls, because being attracted to guys was a good way to get the shit kicked out of you and I certainly didn’t want that. I was already a nerd. I was already weak. I was already shy. I was already in speech and debate. I didn’t need that, too.

And yet, there were signs. Almost all my friends were girls. And sure, I spent a lot of time with two or three specific guys, but that was because we’d hit it off in Latin Freshman year and boy was Latin an interesting class. I hung around with the theater kids (though I never actually took part, mostly because half of theater was musical I couldn’t sing for shit), and I did speech and debate (wherein my attraction to men in suits could be written off--even by other explicitly gay boys--as something brought on by charisma and fashion, not an innate desire to be with another guy.

Even still, by the time I graduated I was firmly in the Q section of the acronym. In part, this was because I found myself on tumblr for the first time in 2011-2012, and I learned about a whole world of identities and people I hadn’t realized existed, and I’d taken my first philosophy class and learned how to actually think about other people, and I’d taken a law class, so I understood the foundations of the social order. All this together had helped me understand that there was nothing wrong with the way I felt. I just had to figure out what it was that I felt.

And that was difficult to do. I’ve always been good at reflecting on my actions--too good actually; I have a tendency to brood over minor mistakes--but my own thoughts, my own feelings, those were more difficult for me to articulate. And besides, my feelings would be affected by my autism, right?

So I let it simmer. I bottled it all up and said “this isn’t something I need to focus on right now. I’m not even looking for a partner.” I went through a lot of stages in this regard in college, fluctuating in my articulation about my identity as unsure, straight, and bi seemingly at random, and never even thinking about my gender. Hell, I was so focused on my schoolwork that I forgot to properly take care of myself most of the time--my autism in action once more. How could I care about my gender when I didn’t even care about my appearance?

And then i graduated college, and I had a lot of time to think. And I didn’t spend much of it here, but before I got my first job, I was thoroughly out as Bi. I knew what I was, and I was proud to say it. I’d forced myself to look at all those instances that seemed like flukes or coincidences, and I realized they weren’t. They were indicative of a pattern, a pattern of attraction to men, and a pattern of attraction to women. I’d had to fight through not only my heteronormative socialization, but also my neurodivergent socialization, the part of me that said “hey! you’re already different enough! do you really need this?” And it wasn’t matter of need. The real question I had to ask was “is this really my experience?” and the answer was yes.

But I still didn’t feel right. A couple of my friends came out as trans, and I couldn’t have been happier for them. Living their lives as they saw themselves, they were happier, livelier, more productive people. And I remembered all those times I’d thought I didn’t quite feel like a guy, like a dude, like a boy. I remembered how my default posture included a popped hip, how I kept writing female characters.

I remembered how the first ever avatar I chose in a Pokemon game was the girl. How I always made female characters in games where I could make that choice. How I kept playing women in DnD.

But I knew I wasn’t trans. I didn’t experience dysphoria. I didn’t want to be a woman, at least not all the time. But sometimes, I definitely felt more effeminate. And others I wished my voice were deeper. Sometimes I didn’t mind when people called me “sir,” or said “he,” other times it didn’t feel right at all.

And once again I thought “aren’t you different enough?” and “couldn’t this all just be because you’re autistic?” I wondered whether I was reading too much into myself, if I might just be projecting other people’s thoughts onto my own. I’ve been wondering that for years.

But one thing is certain. My experiences are real. I have felt these ways. I can’t deny that. I won’t deny it. And now I have a word, a word the encapsulates the ways I’ve felt. Well, it’s three words. I’m an aromantic, genderfluid bisexual. And I’ll say all three of them loud and proud. Not just because it’s pride, but because I deserve to be comfortable with who I am. After all, it took me 24 years to figure it out. I’ve got to make up for lost time somehow.

#looooooong post #long post #gender #sexuality #autism #asd

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ileolai · 7 years

Text

I’m a bit nervous about posting this, because it’s a big nerdy splurge about Doctor Who, and why it is so very important to me, and there is quite personal stuff in it that I have never posted publicly, but. It’s a little over a day out from the finale, and I can’t not talk about something that totally consumed me for seven years.

When I say personal stuff, I mean stuff like suicidal ideation and mental illness, so there’s a content warning.

I wish Steven Moffat, and everyone else who has poured their lovely hearts into making this show, could know what it has done for me.

I've found it somewhat difficult to pinpoint what my favourite episode of Moffat era Who should be. It puzzled me for quite a while. Not because there are no tremendously stellar episodes that stand above all the rest -- there are quite a few of those to pick over. In terms of actual writing skill, narrative cohesion, magnificent direction and all that pretentious stuff, it would have to be Heaven Sent. I could watch that episode over and over again until the heat death of the Universe.

But I think my actual favourite episode, the one nearest and dearest to my little anarchist care bear heart, has to be The Beast Below. The one with the whale that was technically more up in space than it was below. I realize fandom consensus does not consider it the pinnacle of Moffat’s storytelling, but I don’t care. The ideas in that episode, and it is so full of lovely ideas, are what made me sit up and start paying attention to the potential this show had.

Specifically, what got me was what it said about child abuse and neglect as an essential cog in the machine of fascism, or something. Which I had never, in my whole entire life, seen so earnestly articulated on TV before-- in a children’s television show-- with a goddamn whale. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment this show snatched me and hurled me, screaming, into fandom.

[Later, A Christmas Carol would draw big red underlines and exclamation points all around these ideas... that's my other favourite episode. But The Beast Below did it first and hooked me.]

There’s more to it besides that, though. This is the deeply personal emotional context stuff.

So, here is something you may or may not know about the nerd creature that is me. I was quite homeless at the time The Beast Below aired. And I had nothing -- literally nothing, you see. I was in a totally unfamiliar city in a fairly unfamiliar country, post-psychotic break, post-marriage-engagement breakdown, and I was more alone than I'd ever been -- and I'd been your standard lonely friendless geek my whole life, being Autistic, and what have you. I had just escaped an incredibly abusive, toxic group of people upon realization they were not so much a group of friends, but a cult. Yes, an actual cult! I was in one of those. I was also very, very ill with an immune disorder. And the only member of my family who ever accepted me, the only one actually still talking to me after I gave my narcissistic rage monster mother the finger, had just died of cancer. This had all occurred across the space of, oh... one year? Almost entirely within 2009, leading into 2010. I was a wreck. And if you piled all this nonsense on a fictional character all at once, I'd probably say you were being gratuitous and change the channel. I was too miserable to even know how miserable I was-- just sort of wandering around in a dissociated haze, surviving entirely by the instincts of my autonomic nervous system. A good friend of mine described it to me later as ''you were sort of frozen'', and she was right. So. I downloaded the space whale episode over a wi-fi connection, illegally, on an ancient computer, in a library [haha how appropriate is that?] because I quite liked all the other Doctor Whos I had seen before, and this new writer fella had done Press Gang, a fond highlight of my otherwise wretched childhood.

I watched Amy Pond and the Doctor cavorting around dystopian space Britain, having casual conversations about the nature of fascism, in a show marketed to 10 year olds. My sad little eyes pressed right up to the computer screen, irradiating my retinas, and I whispered: ''I've waited 20 years for My Show, and someone finally wrote it. It even has a mad ginger immigrant in it, and she's me. The Universe made this just for me.''

It also had a whale, and the whale was in space.

And that is how I was propelled into my seven year character arc, my precious nerds. Because this show, from series 5 onwards, has done more for me than anything else on the planet. And I don't care how ridiculous it sounds to attribute my self-actualization to a goofy TV show about loveable alien miscreants saving space whales, because it's true. It took a while, but I learned what I actually value and what actually properly matters to me through this show. Or rather, I re-learned it, because I'd become so lost chasing approval and moulding myself to other people's perceptions to withstand their abuse, I didn't know what I was anymore.

This show, and this goddamn fandom, helped me pull all the chopped up little bits of me back together more than any therapy or self-help nonsense I had tried. I went back to university and got serious about doing actual work, in part, because ''we're all just stories in the end... make it a good one.'' kept looping in my brain. It made me determined that my life could never be summed up with a single sentence like: ''He was sad and boring, and he wasted away in his apartment -- achieving nothing, leaving no trace''.

[I still don’t get out much, to be honest. But I’m trying. At the very least, my epic marathon through 500 wildly divergent university degrees says something, yes? Maybe I can set the official record for ‘’the world’s most reluctant to graduate student’’.]

Anyway. This show, this fandom... gave me so much. It gave me my voice as a creator of things, as a writer, and an analyzer, and it gave me people like me, real and fictional, people I didn’t even know existed anywhere.

And you know…. this is heavy stuff again-- but it honestly gave me the motivation to get through to another weekend sometimes, when I was apathetic enough and in enough physical pain to contemplate not doing that. It really did. I didn't want to miss an episode of Doctor bloody Who, arthritis and schizophrenia and poverty be damned, and that kept me here. There were points, where one of the few things that restrained me from taking a decisive dose of Oxycontin, was River Song's storyline. I'm serious. And as shameful as that probably is, it's still better than being dead, and not getting to watch Doctor Who anymore.

Cuz Doctor Who had a whale in it, right? A great big pink whale filled with benevolent intentions, and it was in space, and everybody hugged at the end, on top of the whale, after overthrowing the government! Moffat Who came out of the gate telling ten year olds ‘’OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT’’! I needed that with all my aching nerd heart. The Universe made it for me.

And then they put queer characters in it, and mentally ill characters, and abuse survivors, like me, and it valued them, and it valued children. And then there was River Song, and hugs, and self acceptance, and found families, and sparkles all around, and Bill Potts. And a big Jungian tapestry of meta and mythology. Just for me. There was nothing else on TV like it.

So now here we are, the eve of the final episode of series 10, which I have slobbered and fawned over almost as much as series 5, the one that grabbed me. And... I’m kind of terrified, to be honest. Because all the connections I made here, are so tied up in this show, and talking about this show, and picking apart this specific era of the show... I’m afraid I won't have anything to talk about anymore? and I'll drift apart from my friends, and…. never have something quite like this lovely little hive of internet debauchery and meta and space whales ever again.

That actually scares me so much. Some of you have been here nearly a whole seven years, longer than almost anyone else in my life, apart from my husband, and I am grateful the vast and mysterious machinations of the Universe dumped us all together in the seething hell-pit of fandom. Those of you who have not yet run screaming into the night from my 957 daily posts about Doctor Who... you don't know how much you have helped me, and brighten my day, just by existing.

Yes, even Proton, who is old, and frequently incorrect, and a cyborg. And Elisi, who speaks utter nonsense that confuses my head. Really. I know my primary method of interacting with people is emphatically, and tactlessly, listing every single way they are wrong about things, but I do occassionally have actual emotions like ‘’appreciation’’.

Do not worry, though. This audaciously out-of-character display of sincerity will now be deleted from your memory.

Gone? Good.

So it's been seven wonderful transformative years for me, and the Doctor Who they made just for lil gay anarchist crazy pants care-bear me is ending forever soon. I mean... there will always be Doctor Who, and it will always be Doctor Who, of course. It will be there at the heat death of the Universe, while I’m still salivating over the utter perfection of Heaven Sent. And a sentient gas cloud in a jar will be running it, or something-- because the show has gained its own level of quasi-sentience, furiously transcended all sensible laws of television, and refuses to die.

But the Moffat era came into my life right when I needed it, and it changed me, and I can’t imagine any other era can be that personal to me. It won’t be my Doctor Who anymore.

Steven Moffat doesn’t know I exist, and yet, has tormented my televisual experiences since I could barely even comprehend television. I have him to thank for two glorious book-ends to my childhood and adolescence: Press Gang, and Doctor Who. Thank you so much, Moffat, you scheming Scottish bastard. Thank you for everything.

I don’t think I would be the sort of person I am now without this damn show, it’s fandom, and its unapologetic, space whale flavoured idealism. I honestly just wouldn’t be.

#doctor who #steven moffat #moffat appreciation #mental illness

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writerproblem193 · 7 years

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Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

Specifically right now I want to ramble about what I feel over his (apparently controversial) “I was actually genetically engineered” plot line.

It’s been the major focus of two episodes so far — Doctor Bashir, I Presume where it was introduced, and a season six episode where he works with other genetically engineered people. I just watched that episode today, it’s the most recent one I’ve watched. After both those episodes, I had to pause watching for a while just to ruminate on the episode. I do love all of Deep Space Nine’s complicated complicatedness.

Honestly, Julian is one of my favourite characters on the show. I’ve tried to describe why before, but it really hit me during an episode ostensibly about Jake Sisko — he was reporting on how Bashir was being a doctor in a war zone and he was having Problem. Anyway, Jake’s great, but there was a little cascade of moments with Julian in the episode that really hit me.

the complete transition from goofy to professional with brushing Jake off when the casualties started coming in

and him sitting on the floor with the other medical personnel after everyone was stitched up and jokingly (and kinda not jokingly) asking Jake to carrying him to the replicator to get something to eat

Because before he’d been totally relatable with his general failure at life. He’s a total dork. His favourite pastime is like, dressing up in furs and reenacting weird history stuff with his best friend. But there’s something else about him, too.

I described it later as “being able to stand on his own, but not having to”.

That’s something that I very much want in my own life. The ability to not need the support from people around me (my mother is flaming hellpit of emotional abuse, that’s gonna be relevant later). When the casualties were flooding in, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was an expert. He didn’t have to rely on anyone. He knew what he was doing.

But then, after, he sat in a pile on the floor with friends and was clearly metaphorically leaning on them too. And again, I wish I had that too. The network of support around me when I need it. That’s not a dig at any of my wonderful friends — I just wish there were more of them, and that they were physically all around me too.

Anyway now that I’ve gotten incredibly personal, time for Doctor Bashir, I Presume?

I have to say that I knew that he was genetically engineered going in, and so I was able to wince at all the hints as it went along, instead of being confused.

Julian had troubles with his parents. For a good reason, it turned out. He legitimately feels like they murdered him, replacing the (implied autistic/developmentally disabled) ‘Jules’ with the person he is now. And that’s a hell of a lot of baggage, alright?

I was uncomfortably feeling with him all through the episode. Here’s a quick bullet list.

when his parents came to see him in Sisko’s office and he had to hug them and make nice and he looked so awfully uncomfortable and Sisko didn’t notice at all and cheerily gave him some time off to have them around

the dinner they had together that was so awful and it was meant to be a little but since my mother is fucking horrible it was hitting way, way too many manipulation and icky buttons with me. The don’t-talk-about-it. The don’t-speak-to-us-like-that. The I’m-an-adult-why-won’t-you-treat-me-like-one. The way he was holding himself, with them in HIS home. The way they berated him for moving so far away from home so they can’t come see him

when he went out into the hall because he couldn’t stand talking to them anymore — out of his own space because they’re in there and he has nowhere else to go — and slid to the floor with his head in his hands. I’ve been there. Achingly, been there.

And though I enjoyed the fun parts of the episode (the spliced interviews were amazing), near the end it started hitting wrong notes for me. Whatever, they had to keep him on the show I don’t care but

He hugged his parents. He agreed to visit and to keep in touch. He basically forgave them. And it infuriated me. So much of the episode was showing and implying the emotional (and you could probably argue physical with the whole ‘rewriting his genetic structure to the point where he feels like the child he was no longer exists’ thing) abuses that he endured at his parents. The whole episode, his interactions with his parents felt like a SciFi Scaled Up Metaphor™ interaction of me with my parents.

The way they’ve ‘built’ me. How my mother takes responsibility for the fact that I write so much and so well because she read to me and instilled a love of reading and that gave me the tools to start writing. She believes that she was my ‘architect’, to put it in Julian’s words, and it is painful. Just like Julian. And that’s where I got angry with the episode, for dismissing what for me was a nuanced depiction of emotional abuse with a haha he forgives them everything is happy!

Most of the rest of what that episode dealt with in terms of his genetic engineering, I liked. I liked the way it built another level to him. I am all about this character in so many ways.

(Also I appreciated O’Brien’s reaction being “hey! Play at your actual level! ….in the corner so it’s fair then asshole”. Because he just accepted it and made their interactions more genuine and agh)

Side note: my sibling is autistic, I probably have autism and/or ADHD, and I’ve been categorized as ‘Superior Gifted’ so everything else w/Bashir’s intelligence/outsider status thing also resonates with me. You know, because he wasn’t hitting literally every other button I had.

My problems with the second episode was more about the writing and the actual show than it was my personal issues, though those are never gone lmao.

It started off pretty cool, even if the ‘mutant’ characters were a little too mental illness coded for my taste. Everything can be done well — and for a while, it looked like they might have been going there!

Bashir had some awesome moments connecting to those other characters, and actually getting to be understood. He was able to bounce ideas back and forth with them in a way he was never able to do with anyone else (*cough* me and my sib *cough*) and generally got to know himself better and unwind. And that was cool.

Something probably about halfway through really dinged all those little sensors in me though. Like his parents. Without warning, super subtly, the framing of the episode changed. Instead of the ‘mutants’ being super cool and #relatable and helpful, the narrative had stopped endorsing it and was showing them as hahah off the rails.

Oh boy, did that bug me. Ohhhhh boy.

And it was lumping Bashir in with them too. And even besides my immense problems with that (and even setting aside the gross ableism with all the mental illness coding), the way he was throwing in with them? Completely out of character. This is a guy who has-

Listen, if you’ve watched the show, you know. Bashir will 100% throw himself into danger against awful odds. He’s brave. His entire character development up to this point has been about that! What the fuck ds9!!!!! Why are you suddenly making him say ‘we should surrender to The Great Evil™ bc Stats Say So’. Besides all the icky ableism and reframing the narrative to make him look like he’s in too deep with the off the rails mutants, it’s literally nothing like him!

I am still really bitter about this, if you couldn’t tell.

And then, the episode framing gets even shittier as all the mutants decide to commit treason. Except Julian, who has suddenly regained his senses, and is like “um. NO??????”

And here the narrative flips again. It’s showing off how Bashir is the exception to the genetic engineering rule, how he’s better than all these crazy people around him, that he’s Not Like That, he’s Better. And I’m just so furious because that’s so clearly how the narrative was positioning him, and it could have been done so much better.

And then in the end, he stops them, is the Neurotypical Passing Hero™, and then just ushers them off to be somebody’s else’s problem again, basically. And doesn’t get that sweet, sweet feeling of belonging and understanding again.

(I did like the one moment where he’s trying to explain the super science analysis reports to his friend and genuinely offers “I-I-I’d love to explain it to you if you didn’t understand it!” and O’Brien is so offended and thinks it’s because Julian thinks he’s stupid. I’ve done that a thousand times and it’s not because I think people are stupid — I just like knowledge and facts and sharing them so much I want to explain it over and over and make sure everyone is on the exact same page. It’s not that I think you’re stupid, it’s that I recently didn’t know this myself and want to share it! And I could see that in his tone and expression and this is why I love him.)

I’m still so furious at the way the episode kept flip-flopping on how it framed the mutants and Bashir’s actions and everything. Super manipulative. Super shitty. I know the show could have done better. I was extremely disappointed.

So anyway. That’s what I think of Julian Bashir, in excruciating detail. I love the plotline, I wanna fight some of the details. tl;dr: I love him and this plot line on my own terms, in my own biased and revisionist interpretation, but the way the show treated some of it was disrespectful, ableist, and ignorant. I am glad to have had the experience of watching and thinking about it, though. Because now I can articulate some things that I experience with examples, and also I have a new life goal. To be able to stand on my own, but to be supported if I want it.

#star trek #ds9 #deep space nine #star trek deep space nine #mine #personal #abuse #emotional abuse #I mention it so I should tag it #Julian Bashir #meta #its midnight I should sleep #but I'm awake #and as far as I'm aware this is coherent #as much as I ever am lmao #anyway if anyone's watched the show and has Opinions about this plot line or whatever #hit me up #ableism #my meta

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chxrimoya · 7 years

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ok i guess i’ll finally get around to typing this whole journal post i meant to for the past damn week lmao.

so it’s tuesday night and i’ve ditched class last wed, this past mon and figure drawing today. i just ain’t up for it. for some reason my sleep quality is so poor, even with a full night’s sleep, i can’t stop myself from napping for 3-4 hours. it’s getting in the way of me doing stuff honestly? i get home and want to clean up my room, play some persona, or draw or SOMETHING but sleep is obviously a priority. it sucks but i gotta do it, lacking sleep just makes it so much easier for me to get into a depressive episode. maybe it’s the irregularity of my sleep? for a long time i didn’t sleep past 2am but i slept at like 4am couple of times in the last two weeks or so.

this past week or two i’ve slowly progressed from one thing bothering me to another and now i can’t even place my discontent. general malaise, as i’ve been telling other people. hopefully writing this helps me find some fkn way to articulate myself? lmao. honestly i don’t know why, talking to other people helps me cope but hasn’t helped me confront the feelings. they’re still there, bothering me, and i would like them to go away? but they won’t anytime soon i’m sure. and i, as usual, am invalidating myself and how i feel so megakek

so i’ll talk to my journal like i’m talking to someone.

so recently, i introduced my friend, let’s call her Nu, to my regular group of friends who i usually play games with. i invited her to a bbq at J’s house, and it’s all good and stuff, day passes. I tell her before anything, these lot of men aren’t good at all as dating options but i wouldn’t judge her otherwise, because you can’t rly help who you pick. the only two dudes that day available were J and H and both are kinda shitty, but H is way more shitty than J is; J just got his issues to work out. but fast forward, H messages me about wanting to pursue Nu, and was convinced on trying to be a better person, bc one night on discord we were talking about art and things in general, and i just flat out said i don’t think he’s a good person and he has a lot to work on? so after he says to me on FB, hey thanks i needed someone to say that to me and seemed genuine, so my kind ass heart is like ok sure i’ll help you. he asks me genuinely if it’s ok for him to ask me for help so i say yeah, ofc. he realizes hes being selfish pursing this girl because he’s never had a gf, and that J was also interested but he values himself over J. this was mean of me, but i said frankly to H that i agreed, J is in no place to have a relationship because his life is a fucking mess at home; no school, no work, car’s not passing smog and his dad and mom are still shitty as always (his dad can die for all i care). later tho J agreed with me bc i brought it up with him. anyway, couple days later me and H talk and this guy, he’s probably the shittiest offender i know, because he says autistic, retarded, faggot, gook, all in jest and i HATE him for it. i’m not gonna pick a fight because his dumb conservative ass can choke now, for all i care. i have depression and triggers that send me into episodes, so he keeps using “triggered” all casually and it bothers me. it’s disrespectful. so i ask him if he could avoid using it around me, and i see the typing bubbles for like 4 minutes and this guy is typing an essay about how i’m wrong. deletes it, sends “Lol alright” but goes onto his stupid shpiel anyway even though i wanted to drop it. accuses me of “artificially killing the word” even though i just THINK it’s disrespectful, talking to me in a know-it-all fashion because fucking men always do this. so i remember, this entire time, why i didn’t like him, so i decide this bitch is on his fucking own. but me, being the soft-hearted individual i am, didn’t get mad till couple days later and indignant about the whole ordeal. before my anger, Nu and H and me went to eat and shop a little so fucc everything seemed fine and dandy!! and even now i still help this disrespectful child because i care for Nu, even though I don’t know her well enough to be super comfortable with her. I’m naturally an open person, but the comfort i’m talking about comes with time and i just haven’t known her that long. but Nu, she’s had a bad history that ended only recently, and i honestly would kill for her bc she deserves to be happy. not being pushed around by men who vy for her attention? she deserves someone who cares and validates her, but can still set her straight bc she’s a stubborn girl. the men in her life haven’t been good to her, and she hardly had friends before i met her at work? so i want to be someone she can rely on and talk to but i don’t want her withdrawing into the comfort of a man that can’t even comfort and face his own issues without his toxic pride getting in the way. because that what H is to me.

he calls me saturday before mothers day, 9amish and tells me he accidentally stood Nu up. he obviously feels guilty. but maybe he’s only guilty because he’ll lose his chance with this girl if he fucks up. i’m tired, i comfort him telling him it’s not his fault, because apparently he overslept his alarm and didn’t wake up until Nu called him. Nu also told me that she had been waiting for an hour for him, showed up 30 minutes early to look nice and surprise him, but when she called 30 minutes after the meetup time, she just wanted to go home. she had limited time that day so she wanted to do breakfast at 8. he wants to make it up to her with a gift, but she doesn’t want a gift, so i tell him to draw something for her bc it’s more sentimental. after the call i talk to Nu about it and she seems pretty upset actually, and after everything, she just tells me she feels “jaded” but she’ll get over it.

i don’t approve. i really don’t. i hate this guy but i can’t really be consumed to even be marginally mean to him because Nu is interested, but even she acknowledges maybe she’s been starved of proper affection that she’s just reveling in it. if this guy can’t be bothered to do me a favor, when im trying to be his wingman and get him on good footing with this girl, i’ll fucking light the bridge on fire. but it’s not my choice to make, Nu’s happiness is what matters more. but it exhausts me? i’ve been there, done that with toxic guys and it’s so exhausting. i have issues i still carry and struggle with to this day because i was manipulated and did manipulate other people, for the sake of a guy. and it’s really not worth it. as i talked to her, the friday before, we hung out and spent a whole day with each other... she has a lot of baggage. stuff she doesn’t wanna bring into a relationship. and we shared a lot of similarities with the people we’ve dealt with. i tell her, friends are here to help you carry that baggage. she doesn’t have to carry it on her own. relationships should be always mutually beneficial to both parties. why invest yourself in something you’ll never get shit out of? you end up empty and pining, and anything will satisfy you. it’s not a good cycle to enter. ive been there!! and fuck man, im still recovering. my value is in myself, not in others. and i love to help people because... simply i wish people would have helped me when i needed it. so i help others because they need it. but i wont help people at the expense of myself, at the expense of people i care about.

but also, i just... dunno if i feel right, being some sort of arbiter for their relationship. i don’t feel like i should have this power to judge, i keep telling myself i don’t know either of them that well so i really shouldn’t be doing the things that i’m doing now? like who am i to get in the way of their happiness, judge that someone isn’t good, and say yes or no to them entering a relationship? for all i know, it could turn out well. i doubt it, because H has never had a gf and i feel his selfishness extends beyond ignoring J, and more of “finally i can get a gf and not be lonely anymore” bc i want someone to value Nu for who she is.

maybe i’ll write more when i get to to it but this is way too long already lolol

#yu.txt

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Pa. House votes to expand education-related tax credit programs by $75 million

New Post has been published on https://universeinform.com/2017/03/16/pa-house-votes-to-expand-education-related-tax-credit-programs-by-75-million/

Pa. House votes to expand education-related tax credit programs by $75 million

HARRISBURG, Pa. – Pennsylvania school districts were not the best ones to receive “snow days” this week as Nation Representatives had been able to leap on the bandwagon.

The session turned into canceled on Tuesday. However before the hurricane on Monday, legislators controlled to squeeze in a vital vote, opting to increase the tax credit for organizations that donate to certain academic packages and partnerships via over $75 million.

In a 147-39 bi-partisan vote, the chamber accepted law that might boom investment for the education improvement tax credit application. This system offers tax credits to businesses donating to a scholarship business enterprise, educational improvement enterprise or a pre-op scholarship organization.forbes education rankings

It would additionally enhance tax credits for the opportunity scholarship application, which permits students residing inside the confines of poorly performing faculty districts to gain scholarships and attend colleges in their choice.

“It sort of provides the possibility to apply personal bucks to help fund schooling,” stated Rep. Paul Schemel. (R – 90th District)

The programs impact both non-public and public faculties.take me to start menu

“We take part in Pennsylvania’s EITC software, which does offer agencies tax credits if you want to help with a monetary resource at the faculty. We have a waiting listing for monetary aid on the college,” stated Michelle D’Antonio, Head of Montessori Academy

Over 30 percent of Montessori college students obtain the monetary useful resource, roughly two-thirds of which D’Antonio said would not exist without EITC applications.

“The actual message right here is that we’re supplying more money for all education, [in the] public [and] personal [sectors]. It’s an awesome program, [and] it’s a bi-partisan program,” said Rep. Jesse Topper. (R – 78th District)

Involving Autism Apps in Training

Autism is the fastest growing developmental ailment in the US. It has grown alarmingly in the past few years. But at the equal time, several businesses have provided you with autism mastering apps like “Make Sentences” and “Just Fit” which have made gaining knowledge of less complicated for kids with autism spectrum ailment.

However, why are autism gaining knowledge of apps proving to be helpful to important wishes children? For one, autism apps like “Make Sentences” and “Just Match” have an easy interface which is straightforward to navigate. Autistic youngsters are interested in iPads and drugs. Besides, those devices are accessible and transportable, and kids can use them underneath diverse instances. those apps can help them learn outdoor the school room as properly. Autism getting to know apps specifically assist the kids to increase verbal exchange, social, language, and articulation capabilities. Human beings analyze thru contact and the “Make Sentences” and “Just Match” autism apps maximize the studying experience via engaging content, ease of use, and interplay.

There are several autism learning apps to be had inside the marketplace.

But there is a pertinent need to pick those which have the key capabilities. The “Make Sentences” and “Simply In shape” autism apps assist customers to percentage consequences. Maximum of the apps come in various variations that focus on diverse age companies. This is crucial due to the fact if the autism mastering apps are focused handiest at the younger organization, the older ones will get bored at the same time as using them. Additionally, all autism apps need to forge a “real-time” experience. This means that the youngsters have to be able to witness the cause-and-impact action if you want to procedure the message.

The “Make Sentences” and “Simply Match” autism mastering apps have greater alternatives, are extra descriptive, and are completely customizable. They can be tuned to in shape the needs of each unique baby. You can of path add your own phrases, images, short animations and so forth.

children are specifically fond of the “Make Sentences” and “Just In shape” autism apps. Both these apps include letter reputation, studying comprehension, item sorting and matching, and letter-sound correspondence. The capabilities have made these apps extremely popular.

Enthused by means of the success of those apps, several groups have introduced their personal gaining knowledge of apps. It’s often a task to the academics, counselors, and parents to discover the first-rate one.

The “Make Sentences” and “Simply Fit” autism learning apps, happily, were evolved with the aid of professionals and professionals had been worried at each level of the development. It has won accolades from mother and father and instructors.

Network Based Correction Applications

Network Based totally correction is an application that’s supervised to address humans who have been convicted or are going through conviction. It’s miles a not-incarceration machine of correction. Past due Eighties and early Nineties have delivered a new revolution in the justice system.

Parole and probation have always been a manner of Network correction, but with technological advancement and thinking about the psychology of convicted human beings, correction Packages have widened to deal with paintings releases, day fine Programs, digital monitoring, home confinement, Network service, 1/2 manner homes, boot camp prisons, restitution, check-in Programs, mediation, curfews, restorative justice facilities, drug checks, alcohol assessments and other methods in which there may be a sure degree of agree with between the offenders and the people worried.

Jail influences a person psychologically and she or he can lose his self-worth which finally leads to disinterest in normal life. Many Jail inmates who’re there for petty reasons flip to emerge as hard middle criminals with the employer they get in jails. There are lots of humans in jails and more than 5 instances are on probation or parole at any given point of time. ‘Jails had been by no means made for human beings, it had been made for crimes,’ says a well-known crime Primarily based fiction author. It isn’t always that Jail government want to solve the trouble of overcrowding of jails thru Community Based correction. However, It’s far one of the minor reasons which cause the begin of these techniques of correction.

Society has legitimate and valid reasons to stay far from offenders however this may flip them in the direction of crime again. Nearly one area of people who’ve hung out in jails goes back in general with the identical type of offense or a few different sort of anti-social activities. Braithwaite put forth the philosophy of restorative justice which advocates an exchange of conduct of convicts through holistic techniques. It really works at the precept of reintegration. It’s miles like assisting offenders in entering the society in a way in which they can be normal via the society. This system has its impact on the society in general as nicely, as it allows the society understand and be given the truth that offenders are also a part of the society.

There are a few offenders who enter the Community Based correction Applications without coming into jails and some serve part of their sentence in Prison before getting into this system. We all devote errors and get an opportunity to study and identical is going for offenders. The process of getting to know starts when the individual worried comes to recognize his mistake and accepts it. in the end, the manner may be difficult however it has helped many humans, which gives a fine signal for other offenders.

I Grew to become Down $1 Million

I refuse to take the bait. I am talking about the venture issued with the aid of the U.S.-primarily based James Randi Instructional Foundation – if every person can show they have got any type of psychic talents, JREF will deliver that individual $1 million. At the same time as 1,000,000 dollars would move an extended way to pay off my mortgage and permitting me to take that Sedona dream vacation, I do not want to prove the life of spirit to everybody who obviously has no religion in spirit, humanity, their very own religious potential, or God. Truly, I experience sorry for the JREF-ers, who use cold, tough-nosed rationality to blind themselves to miracles that occur every day in all of our lives.

I am no longer alone in passing at the venture – legitimate psychic mediums like James Van Praagh and Alison DuBois have not noted Randi’s tantalizing taunt. He turned into quoted in an editorial on Sympatico.Ca, saying, “With a bit of luck, the JREF’s Million Dollar undertaking makes human beings assume two times after they pay attention psychics claiming they could predict the future or communicate to the useless. If psychics can clearly do what they say they can, why hasn’t absolutely everyone taken our million dollars?”how many 0 in a million

Similarly, he said the venture became supposed to goal “excessive-profile operators” [like Van Praagh and DuBois] who “are getting wealthy via preying on human beings’ grief and guilt about loved ones who’ve died,” calling their moves “despicable.”

While I ought to sadly admit that there are psychic scammers accessible –

charlatans who promise to remove curses for ridiculous sums of cash – most people of psychics and mediums I realize are trustworthy individuals who virtually want to serve humanity by means of bringing messages from spirit to their buddies and cherished ones nonetheless on the planet aircraft. From my own revel in, lots of my customers are happy and thankful after I offer for them verifiable evidence that I have connected with their cherished ones in spirit. (Unluckily, I cannot claim 100 percentage fulfillment, but no medium will make that claim.)

While my husband studies the sympatico.Com article, he prodded me to install my two cents toward claiming the $1 million prize. You have got to understand that Benjamin, besides having top notch faith in my abilities, is a former advertising and advertising writer, and thinks the JREF take a look at could be an extraordinary way to create publicity for me. (Every other of his thoughts: Serve espresso and pie with each reading. Nahhhh…

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