#she transitions in the story give her time to cook

[canidaria]

can we know more about dave/dove and rose in your slenderstuck au please please i love them so bad

been thinking abt them recently so here’s their updated designs w little tidbits abt their characters, they’re like the world to me

#cani asks #homestuck #homestuck fanart #slenderstuck #dove strider #she transitions in the story give her time to cook #dave strider #rose lalonde #pushing my intersex agenda into every AU I make #and the EDS agenda #strilondes

[zillasvilla]

Rebellion in the Shadows

Summary: The day before his Matai ceremony, he finds an outsider on his territory.

Pairings: Joseph Anoa’i x Black OC

A/N: This is a story that has been in the works for months. I was unsure of how I wanted to write Joe/Roman’s Character. ( I played around with multiple plot ideas.) This is an alternate universe fiction. So I’m trying to get his character down pack. This story also has a lot of their culture incorporated into a culture I’m creating. So this will be a slow posted story as I don’t want to butcher their culture in any way. ( I also have a culture I created entirely, so I might make a slow transition to that.) Bear with me as this is my first time writing for him completely. I am open to suggestions as well, comments. I deal.. I don’t know where this is taking me so come along for the ride.

Warnings: Explicit. 18 + Minors DNI

Chapter One : Outsider

The amount of adrenaline that charged throughout her running limbs had her oblivious to the pain she was suffering. Step by step, her bare feet being pricked by foreign objects. Her breathing was just as ragged as her matted hair. Her perception obscured, making it difficult to see where she was going.

A strange ringing pierced her ears. Connected with her blurred vision, she stumbled over a bundle of sharp rocks. Her palms took most of the force from her fall, a weak cry escaping her lips. Her wrist sprained, a shooting pain traveling up her arm. The booming sound of an alarm sounding off made it known that she was gone, and it wouldn’t be long before they found her.

She’s blinking, trying to clear her vision, searching her surroundings for some place to shelter for the night. A small, battered brown tent appears into view. Mustering up all the strength she could, her arms and elbows pulled her body close. The pain captures up to her, salty tears flow down her face as she gives in to the anguish. The darkness washes over her, leaving her to await her inevitable fate. A pair of feet halt before her. She goes to plead for help, but her eyes close as she succumbs to the darkness.

Her chest expands and declines, a tight ache between each breath. Low groans leaving her lips. The rugged surface beneath her doesn’t bring an ounce of comfort. The pain from her falling made it painful to move. She blinks a few times, the surrounding space coming into view. She glances at the silver bars in front of her and fear sets in.

Yelling for help would be useless. She examines the area again, the black walls, almost caving in. She observes the open roof, covered with tan-colored thatch. A hint of confusion on her face. This wasn’t where she escaped from. She planted her palms on the ground, grimacing in agony from her wrist being sprained, to force herself up.

“I wouldn’t do that If I were you.”

The heavy, gruff accent scared her, thumping her skull back on the wall with a thump. She reaches back to rub at the spot; searching for a face to match the voice. She could pick up the rustling of keys and a bolt being undone. She covers her ears while the door screeches in the process of being opened. A male figure comes through; his bleach-blonde hair lighting up the area.

She struggled to move, but the pain in her limbs made her pause and groan.

“It’s okay.” He whispers, “won’t hurt you.” He picks her up bridal style. Her arms reached around his neck to keep from slipping. He carried her out of the unfamiliar building. Her face hidden in his shoulder the minute he walked out. The sunlight is much too bright for her sensitive eyes. Her face remained pressed against his shoulder until they arrived at a massive home. Her mouth waters at the smell of whatever was being cooked.

“Yo uce, who is this?”

“The girl Joe found.” He walks over to a vacant couch, settling her down on it. Her grasp tightened on his pullover. He sighs and rubs her back. “We won’t hurt you.”

The new strange voice drew closer. “She looks rough, Solo.” He kneels at her side, reaching to touch her face. The sudden movement causes her flinch.

“I see that, Josh.” He mutters, grasping her arms; being mindful of her wrists to bring them down. “He just ordered me to move her here when she awakens.”

Josh takes in her battered appearance. Her right eye turned black. Her blackened cheeks and a busted lip caked on with dried blood. That wasn’t the worst of it. There’s no telling what was underneath her worn-out clothes.

“Did he say what to do with her?” They watch her glance around, clinging to Solo’s hand.

“No. Just to move her here.”

“Valentina!” Josh shouts. “C’mere a minute.”

“What, babe, we’re cooking—.” She walks into the room, spatula in hand, ready to strike him with it. Josh and Solo step to the side, and her mouth drops. “What happened to her?” She abandons the utensil and dashes to her side. The girl shifts closer to Solo, peering at Valentina wide-eyed.

Solo shrugs, a reassuring grip on her back. “Joe found her and brought her here. Where is he?” He looks around. “He instructed me to bring her here when she wakes up.”

“You know he had his Matai ceremony today. He won’t be back until tonight.” Valentina reaches a hand out to stroke her hair. It felt dry and matted against her fingers. Her eyebrows arch, confused, noticing the note attached to her back. She pulls it out carefully to not alarm her.

Have the ladies clean her up and feed her. I’ll be back tonight. ~ Joe

Josh glances over Valentina’s shoulder. “What’s that baby?”

“Nigga, not even the chief yet, and is already demanding stuff.” She rises, moving into the kitchen. “Solo, can you carry her upstairs to Joe’s room?”

“Uh, carry who?” Another voice comes out, an apparent attitude laced in her tone.

“Tiana frowns.” Valentina turns to Josh. “Jey go help Jimmy finish cooking and send Trinity up.”

Joshua despised cooking, but did anything to avoid dealing with this unusual and frightened girl. Solo picks her up, bridal style. “Who is she?” Tiana frowns. Solo stops in front of her and places a kiss on her head. “Someone Joe found.”

The ladies follow Solo to Joe’s room. His suite being the biggest of them all, with the larger bathroom. He set her inside the tub. “I’ll be outside the door. They won't harm you.” Solo assures the now anxious girl.

Tiana mumbles a “yeah. We’ll see.” Valentina nudes her arm, gathering all the hygiene products they would need. Solo leaves the bathroom, going into the room to stand by. He would receive a mouthful from Tiana afterward, but right now, he was doing as instructed.

“Hey.” Valentina whispers gently, kneeling beside the tub. “I’m Valentina. That’s Tiana.” She peeks at them, quivering. “What’s your name?”

Her mouth moves, but nothing comes out. The hoarse feeling in the back of her throat made it painful to talk. She closes her mouth and looks elsewhere. Tears spilled down her face.

“Okay, your voice is gone.” Tiana murmurs. “Can we take these filthy clothes off and clean you up?” She kneels next to Valentina, who is just as attentive. She nods, letting their delicate hands peel off the shirt and pants.

“Oh my god.” A hand slaps the wall and they glance up. A deeper skinned woman, carrying some clothes in hand, her back now turned to them. Her reaction was called for. The amount of purple and black bruises that littered her frame. Her skin clinging to her bones, causing her ribs to be highly noticeable. Trailing down her legs, old and fresh cut marks, inflamed ankles. The bottom of her feet were calloused and developing scars.

“What happened to her?” Tiana frowns, turning on the water and grabbing the shower head.

“Don’t know, but when Joe sees this. All hell is going to break loose.” She takes a rag and wets it with water and the soap. “This may sting, but we need to get you clean. Trin, mind helping.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just needed a minute.”

The three of them get her clean. The water turned a murky brown and red tint, rinsing away any remnants of dirt and blood. Her hairtaking the longest. Three brushes and a comb damaged, but her hair was washed and smelled of citrus. Trin had managed to get her hair braided into two braids to keep from tangling further. Once done, they wrapped her in a large warm towel, letting Solo hoist her up and take her to the room. There they got her dressed in a set of Tiana’s old clothes. Her little frame being swallowed up in the shirt.

“I think the food is ready. Are you hun- of course you are,” Valentina mumbles, catching herself. She was hungry, but with the way the bed felt, she would rather sleep. She lays back, head touching the fluffy cushions. Her eyes drifted closed.

“Shouldn’t she eat?” Tiana moves to wake her. Solo grabs her hand with the shake of his head.

“Let her sleep.” He stares at her. She had curled up in the middle of the bed, weak snores leaving her mouth.

“She had a rough night.” she had groaned and wept all night in her slumber and there was nothing he could do to ease her suffering. He just wondered what Joe had in mind. Trinity pulls the sheets over her body while Valentina sets a glass of water on the nightstand.

“Joe will be back soon. Hopefully, he knows what to do.”

Zilla’s Villagers: Comment to be apart of the taglist.

@justazzi @yana3sworld @wrestlingprincess80 @abadbitchblogs @courtninacole @kill-the-artiste @destinio1 @kill-the-artiste @reci1996 @mindairy @jeysbaby @daddyhausen

#roman reigns x black!reader #roman reigns x black!character #original character #the tribal chief #roman reigns

[eclecticqueennerd]

Homelander as a Girl Dad

Trigger warning: DV, parental alienation, Homelander being Homelander.

Prompt: Anonymous asked: I don't know if someone already requested Homelander as a girl dad. But could I request him to have a supe daughter who is really close to him and loves him and yet also hates, fears him and can’t wait for the world to be rid of him.

This work is written as first a headcanon then transitions into a story. Enjoy!

You were Homelander's personal assistant and from the moment Ashley hired you, Homelander was infatuated. He would drop not-so-subtle hints of his affection and shower you with gifts and experiences you never thought you’d get. He’d take you to movie premiers and had you meet the members of the Seven. He would give you any and all dresses, shoes, and accessories you’d want. You were always attracted to Homelander; to his charm, his heroism, and his good looks. So, when you realized that the affections were mutual and he told you to call him John, you felt like the luckiest girl on earth.

When the relationship moved towards a physical one, John was as gentle as he could be with you. There were a few times when you had to remind him that you were just a normal person and not to be so rough. John would often say he’d want a family with you and that having a child would be the greatest gift anyone could ever give him. When you became pregnant and told John, both of your worlds were turned upside down. For better or worse, well it depends on your perspective.

You were okay with being in the public eye when working as Homelander’s personal assistant, and even more adjusted to it when the two of you started dating. Once the world heard that the two of you were expecting, the paparazzi increased tenfold. You were not able to go anywhere without paparazzi taking pictures and asking questions. One time the crowd of photographers was so dense, that a paparazzi accidentally bumped your baby belly too hard and made you stumble over in pain. Once that story went public, you were not allowed to leave John’s penthouse without him accompanying you. There were rumors that Homelander ‘took care’ of the photographer, but you chose to not believe them. Your sweet and charming John wasn’t capable of something so awful.

John is a busy man, attending meetings, social events, and the occasional hero work. You spent the majority of your days in the penthouse, there were people cooking for you and waiting on you hand and foot. You grew lonely, most of the people there either working in their positions to get a paycheck or out of fear, not speaking to you often. Whenever John came home, you’d run to him and embrace him, him being your only source of interaction. You’d ask him how his day went, sometimes he’d tell you, other times, he’d ask how the baby was.

When you gave birth, John was a little disappointed that it was a girl. You would reassure him that girls can do whatever boys can and that sometimes a father-daughter bond is stronger. John perked up after hearing that. In the beginning, John would be put off by the care of having an infant. They stink, they’re loud, messy and so goddamn needy. He did like the perk of you breastfeeding, it was always incorporated into sexy times with him. You thought of it as an undiscovered kink of his.

When your daughter was older, around toddler age, that’s when John started to take more interest in being a father figure. He’d teach Callie, your daughter, how to walk, how to use the potty, how to read. In the beginning, you were fine with it, it gave you a chance to take some time for yourself and watch the two of them bond. As time went on, you noticed that John would start to leave you out of the conversation and bonding experience as a family.

As time went on, John pushed you out more and more when interacting with Callie. He’d be the one taking care of her daily needs, ignoring you when you’d ask for updates on how she was doing in school, how her doctor’s visit went, and other important information. When you spoke to John about how you were feeling left out, he showed you a side of him you’ve never seen before. Hatred, malice, disdain. John wanted to be the sole caregiver to Callie. There were times that he’d shut you away in a room all by yourself, making you a prisoner in your own home. There were times when John would make the move to smack or attempt to hit you, but he’d always stop himself. After a while, he revoked your privilege of calling him John, you now had to call him Homelander.

You’d ask Homelander what went wrong in the relationship for him to treat you this way, but your inquiry was met with hostility. You began to contemplate leaving the penthouse whenever the two of them left for an outing. You know Homelander would never hurt Callie, he adores her. So, one day, you left…

“I’m home dad!” Callie said as she threw her schoolbag on the floor and walked into the kitchen to grab a snack. It’s been a few years since her mother left and she was told by her father that it was because her mother didn’t love her anymore. Callie was hurt by what her father told her, but she had no reason not to believe him.

“Hey sport, how are you today?” Homelander said as he threw his muscled arms around Callie. Callie grimaced but accepted the hug. Homelander noticed the change in her mood, he pulled himself away from her and asked,

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Uh huh, don’t lie to me missy. Tell me, what’s up?” Callie looks around the room, wanting to look at anything besides her father.

“I… uh… don’t think that you can help me with this. It’s something moms usually talk about.”

“Of course, I can help you, Callie. You can trust me with anything.” A few moments of silence and then Callie said,

“I got my period today.” Homelander blinked at Callie. Damn… I don’t know how to help her with that he thought. Homelander grabbed Callies’ hand and the two of them went to the entrance of the penthouse.

“Where are we going?”

“I have someone we’re going to talk to.” The two of them appeared in front of Ashleys office. Homelander opens the door, and a voice rang thru the large room,

“What the fuck have I told you about knocking Ashley?” Homelander and Callie came through the threshold. Ashleys demeanor went from hardened to frightened the moment she laid eyes on the man. Callie noticed this was a common theme with anyone that came across her father.

“Homelander, Callie. H-how can I help you?” Ashley said as her hand flew up into her red hair. Homelander sat Callie down on the sofa in the lounge area and went to mute the TV that was displaying the news.

“Callie here is now a woman. She needs to know some helpful tips about periods.” Callie turned to her dad and gave him a look that can be conveyed as ‘what the fuck?’ Homelander just shrugged as Ashley cleared her throat. Ashley walked from behind her desk to sit herself onto the armchair to the left of Callie. Ashley let out a nervous chuckle, looking at Homelander before she spoke,

“We’ll, as you know, periods are a normal thing for women…” Ashley looks around the room, trying to find inspiration in what she’s telling Callie. “Periods are a beautiful and natural thing for a young woman to have! They mean that—Oh my god!” Ashleys attention went to the TV screen, as did the other two. Displayed was a picture of a tall, bearded man in a trench coat and next to him, was you. The caption on the picture stated, “SUSPECTS WANTED FOR THE DEATH OF TRANSLUCENT” Ashley began stuttering, mumbling, and furiously twisting her hair in her fingers. Callie stood up and walked towards the TV, closely inspecting the picture of you in your disguise. Homelander approached the TV and promptly turned it off.

“Okay that’s enough for today. I think this kiddo has some homework to do dontcha bud?” Homelander grabs Callies hand and drags her out of Ashleys office. A million thoughts ran through Callies mind. ‘Why would mom join the bad guys? Why did she kill Translucent? Why did she leave me?’ Homelander picked up on the hurt on Callies face and said,

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll get it all taken care of.” Homelander took Callie back to the penthouse and said that he needed to step out for business and that she could order a pizza for dinner. When gone, Callie gathered her key fob and left the penthouse in search of you.

*

It had been a few hours looking in the area you’d been photographed, but Callie had finally found you in the subway, tucked away in a corner waiting for the train to arrive. She took in your appearance; sunglasses, ballcap and a leather jacket with the lapels pulled up to hide your face. Callie approached you slowly,

“Hey mom.” You spun to face her, freezing at the young girl standing before you. It’s been years since you’d seen Callie, at least in person. You’d seen her on TV many times, making appearances with your ex. She was a perfect mix of both you and Homelander.

“Callie. What are you doing here?”

“I saw you on TV.”

“It’s not safe for you to be here honey.”

“Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that after how you left us. After how you left me!” Callie began raising her voice, emotions starting to grow inside her. You approached her slowly after noting the fists Callie was making and said,

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” A tear ran down Callies cheek. You desperately wanted to reach out and wipe it away, you however treated her like she was a frightened animal, careful with your movements.

“Why did you leave?” You never wanted to answer that question, wanting Homelander to have that special bond between father and daughter untarnished. Before you could open your mouth, you heard the train approach, looking in its direction, you were torn. Now was your chance to escape, but you also wanted to set things straight with your daughter.

“Callie… I-”

“Trains ‘ere.” The man that was with you earlier on the TV broadcast appeared next to you, voice heavy with a cockney accent. Callie looked at both you and the tall man, named Billy Butcher. Callie had heard her father speak of him from time to time and how he was the bane of his existence. Once the train stopped, you made the difficult decision to part ways with Callie, you didn’t want her getting caught up in all your bullshit. Homelander will keep her safe, he would never let anything happen to her. As you found your seat on the train, Callie sat down next to you.

“Callie!”

“You never answered my question, why did you leave?” Looking between Callie and the subway train floor, you told her everything. How Homelander was the nicest man you’d ever met, and he slowly showed himself to be a monster. You told her of the domestic abuse and the times that he would alienate you from being a mother to Callie.

“I love you so much Callie. I never wanted to leave you, but I couldn’t stay with your father. I knew he would never lay a finger on you, you’re all he’s ever wanted.” Callie’s world was rocked. Her whole life she’d heard from her father that she wasn’t loved by you, that the only reason why you wanted to be with her Homelander was because of fame and fortune.

The train rolled to a stop a few stations from when the three of them went on. As you got off the train, Callie followed you and Butcher. Callie noticed the whispers between you and Butcher, you look back at her.

“Callie you can’t come with us.”

“I’ve finally found you after all these years and now you want to push me away?! It’s not fair!” Callie clenched her fist and punched a brick pillar, knocking the blocks loose. Callie’s face widens in shock, she’s never done that before. She didn’t even know she had the strength.

“Callie, what we do, is too dangerous for you. I’ll give you my number so we can text but know that I can’t always reply. Butcher, go ahead to the hideout, I’ll take Callie back home.” You and Callie catch a train ride to a subway stop just a block from Vought tower. On the train, you two talk about school and what her favorite subjects are, its art, what flavor ice cream she likes, it’s the same as yours, and Callie asked you what to do when it came to periods.

“It’s important to keep yourself clean, shower at least once a day. There may be times when you will have a stain, don’t worry. This happens to all of us at some point. If it happens at school and it’s on your pants, wear a sweatshirt around your waist if you can. Also, don’t wear white pants if you can help it.” Callie absorbed as much information you had to give about the subject, appreciative that you’re willing to talk about such a sensitive topic. Callie was beginning to question her father’s animosity towards you, you were so warm and welcoming and kind, the opposite of his descriptors was for you. Finally reaching your destination and standing outside of the tower, you give Callie a quick hug.

“Text me anytime but please, don’t tell your father about this. I don’t know when I can see you again, but if this plan pulls through then it may be sooner than later.” Callie nodded her head and went inside the building and into the elevator. Callie stepped into the penthouse and saw a worried Homelander standing next to the kitchen island.

“And where were you?” Homelanders voice low, eyes narrow, almost like he knew what she was up to, he just waiting for her to confess. Callie met his menacing glare with one of her own, and replied,

“Out.” She then left to go into her room, revulsion filling her thoughts about her father. Homelander the world's greatest and strongest superhero, was a calculating cruel man who filled her head with lies in an attempt to hate her own mother. Callie hoped whatever plan her mother had up her sleeve worked.

taglist: @marvelspn-bishes @lazygrungekid @wiiwiiwii666 @z3r0art@jameshetfieldscumdump@sleepyqueerenergy@citrys@chungledown-bimothee@otherworldlycraft@jensensnackles69 @star-ligh7 @memoune0987 @archiveofthalience @pibetaphi2000 @amberembers @itsyellow @need-a-life-or-grass @lover1307 @z3tabyte @katherine-ann1 @stankyleg05 @lustendreams @psychoticbirb

#the boys #billy butcher #the boys amazon #antony starr #homelander x reader #homelander #the boys series #the boys tv #original character #reader insert #female reader

[destinygoldenstar]

Here is a very random pet peeve I have with Ninjago:

Why did we not get a Jay & Nya wedding?!

Like, March of the Oni he proposed to her and everything. Then we DON'T get a wedding? How does that work?!

I understand like Skybound trauma or something, so they might want something private, but they never address that.

It would be SO WHOLESOME.

Why did we not get a Jay & Nya wedding?!

I think I kinda know why. The Wildbrain era wanted to tonally de-age the ninja back into teenagers. And two ninja getting married would be not doing that.

This kinda goes for the posts I spoke about Secrets of the Forbidden Spinjitsu where I talked about my big change being that there was NO reverting back into teenagers, and instead it was a continuation of their transition into adulthood.

Have the premiere of the season BE their wedding! It would be so adorable and a fresh change of pace!

Like have Jay wake up Zane (from that Aspheera/Ice Emperor nightmare) in a panic about his hair for this big day, have Zane help him out and try to calm Jay down because Jay would be such a nervous/excited wreck. (And have Zane's calming attempts fail miserably. It would be funny and both play into what I said in other posts)

Have Nya be hesitant about wearing a wedding dress due to Skybound trauma. Lloyd could be there and she could talk to him about it, but be vague cause he wouldn't remember Skybound. Like, "I'm worried that I won't get a say in something if I say the words, like I want this, but what if it all went horribly wrong? The greatest love stories always end in tragedy and... I don't want that to be the case for me."

(Which, you know, would be FORESHADOWING)

And Lloyd could be unsure what to say (because Harumi trauma) but still encourage her that nothing HAS to end horribly. They've been dating for years, and they know they can trust that Jay wouldn't hurt her. She wouldn't hurt him. That's the beauty of a relationship, that you can trust them. It's a dynamic they both want. Even if something bad were to happen, her family would always be there. (Insert surrogate siblings hug)

But also it'd make them both realize that Kai is not here when he should be.

He's downtown. He's trying to pick up a wedding gift for his sister. It is taking FOREVER. It's driving him nuts because impatient hothead. Eventually he just snaps when the shopkeeper says it's not done being cooked. In my head he just snatches it, sets fire on it, throws it in the box, and runs out of the shop, throwing money at them on the way out. The whole time, he's just trying to run to the monastery for the wedding, with SO MANY setbacks on the way. (Take Across the Spiderverse with Miles trying to get to his parents party with that cake, kinda what I picture)

Cole and Wu could be on catering, they could talk about Wu being freshly retired and Cole getting into the baking business. (And we could have a running joke about Cole trying to sneak in a bite of cake and someone slapping him away.)

Nya & P.I.X.A.L could have some gal talk when getting ready and the droid gal could be encouraging. (I feel like since the Oni Trilogy, Nya's been getting more comfortable with being feminine, and I'm all here for that, I think that's really cute development. She could be so against this girly talk but then she tries it here and actually likes it)

Ed and Edna being SO overbearing in the wedding. Just smothering all over their son and their new daughter in law.

Have Wu give their blessing, trying to comfort a still nervous Jay, and Jay could just have all those nerves vanish when Nya comes out.

All ninja but Kai are there because First Spinjitsu Master does not want him to be at his sister's wedding. And you could have whoever else you want there.

Have them have a happier stress-free re-phrase of their confessions in Skybound. Nya could talk about how she didn't have a lot of friends as a kid and knew nothing about love or relationships, but Jay was the one person she let into her heart, and despite her fears and insecurities in the past about herself, she knew she wanted him to be the one. She felt free with him, she felt free to have a voice and say she wanted to be with him for as long as she possibly could. That's her wish this day. Jay could talk about how he was always looking for bright opportunities for himself, but the brightest he could ever have was her, a courageous strong willed smart beautiful amazing girl loving him back and seeing him as he was as the best version of himself. That told him well enough that this was love.

(I imagine Cole is the crier because that just seems like fitting characterization to me)

"I now pronounce you yin and yang-"

And just don't have Wu finish the phrase because one of them just jumps on the other in adrenaline and excitement.

The after party Ed and Edna are, again, smothering all over the couple. Cole just loads up with cake (that only he touches because he made it and he's a bad cook). Zane and P.I.X.A.L could be dancing, everyone's having a good time...

And then FINALLY Kai shows up, busts open the monastery doors, and stands there panting and a wreck. He stops the whole party and everyone just stares at him like "what?"

Nya would proceed to yell at him for BEING LATE TO HIS OWN SISTER'S WEDDING, and they could argue about what happened because they're both stubborn like that.

And the wedding gift Kai got for her? It's charred up. Because he burned it with his fire and didn't let the shopkeeper take care of it.

But he had something else he picked up along the way, which was something from their childhood that Nya liked (you can decide what). And like that Nya's anger drops and he thanks him for it.

And Kai did not get Jay any wedding gifts because 'screw my in law'

Jay calling this out prompts him to dance with Nya, she obliges, and the little sibling moment is kinda ruined, leaving Kai in the dust. (Again, my other posts where I said Kai would be trying to keep things the same)

And Lloyd was by himself, sitting in a corner minding his own business. He's happy for them, but he also has a hard time being comfortable because of what happened with him and Harumi. So he's trying to distract himself with looking through some job opportunities in some newspapers. He can't find any. Kai could find him, surrogate brothers moment, he could notice Lloyd looking for crime on the newspaper, and because this is post the Oni Trilogy, crime has slowed down, and this is supposedly their happy ending. You know, 'and they got married and lived happily ever after' and all that. But Kai, not accepting that, kinda butts in and agrees to take Lloyd out to town tomorrow morning to go look for crime to stop, just like old times. And Lloyd would go along with it cause 'well I'm a seventeen year old and past due with getting a job'

(And Zane decides to go with them because he's in the same boat as Kai, so technically it's just Kai, Lloyd, & Zane running around looking for crime to stop rather than the whole team. The other three still go to the pyramid though.)

That's my dream reality of s11's premiere anyway.

But even if that wasn't the case, I have to ask cause it bugs me,

Why did we not get a Jay & Nya wedding?!

There you go, that's my content for Jaya week. It doesn't fit any of the bullet points for the week but oh well.

#ninjago #ninjago secrets of the forbidden spinjitzu #jaya #ninjago jaya #ninjago jay #ninjago nya #jay walker #nya smith #nya jiang #ninjago wu #ninjago lloyd #lloyd garmadon #ninjago kai #kai jiang #kai smith #ninjago cole #cole brookstone #ninjago zane #zane julien #ninjago pixal #wedding #ninjago edna #ninjago ed

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 165+166

The warning earned a chuckle from me lmao. Because why did I literally gasp while reading the first line xd

The warning for eps 166...didn't make me laugh at all.

Yayy Gwen is finally awake!! I guess thanks Leland for removing the thorny plants so she won't hurt herself :|

Nah cause Leland really dare try to kidnap a girl who asked whether he's okay after she herself just woke up from an intense nightmare 💀

Bro has the GUTS. THE AUDACITY. To start ranting about the kids he's kidnapping.

This scene is so emotional, and I am so glad Gwen is finally starting to know who Leelathae is. Though I won't lie, I'm a little disappointed that Leland is the one to tell her :/ I was expecting a family moment with Jack and the other pastel kids. But it's all good since she finally gets to know her :D

I would like to apologize in advance. Serpent Leland kinda made me laugh due to his abs lmaooo.

But it's pretty cool how Gwen and Frederick sees Leland as a threat (tho unintentional), though with different perspective. Gwen sees Leland as a big bad wolf while Frederick sees Leland as a serpent.

HECK YEAH!!! You go, Frederick!!! For once, his ability to misunderstand something is actually resulting in something wonderful and amazing!!

Aww the Possum immediately hugging Gwen <3

Oh uh whoops. Can Curtis see through that glasses? Hopefully...

Guys, Leland is throwing tantrum again :/ but i can see how using Laverne as a weapon against him is a really useful tactic. Considering how in the past, he bought Laverne to be a replacement for Jack. So turning Laverne against him probably feels like a 2nd betrayal for him.

OOHH....Aww man. Damn. I can feel that comb hitting Leland's hand and pushing the thorns in. Ouch...

NAHH NOT CELSO!!! My man this is why you don't scream your move when doing stealth move 😔

Did Frederick just do a Judo move.

I looked it up and this move is called shoulder throw or Seoi-nage.

BUT FREDERICK ACTUALLY, SERIOUSLY JUST SHOULDER THROW HIS FATHER, THEN PROCEEDS TO PLANT HIS HEAD ON THE WALL. Those laverne carrying are working. Plot twist he's actually buff lmao.

Ahwguwau Frederick actually learning from moments where he got hurt and being brave tho!! So proud of him <3

I love Aurelia and her comments man XD

Frederick immediately checking up on Gwen and making sure she wasn't hurt. These guys deserve their happy ending Lambcat c'mon :')

AURELIA FINALLY GIVING GWEN THE DIARY!!! PASTEL KIDS CHILDHOOD WJSJIWNSGEKA

But of course! Let's start from the beginning of chapter 166...

Lorena would be so proud if she see how Frederick tied his dad with her vines.

Yeah, Gwen definitely should start on the second page... Just reading the first page by glancing could lead to many misunderstandings.

May I just say, I love how Gwen is being stern(is that the word?) To Aurelia about how she needs to read that book and that she really want to know about her mother. Hah! Again, I love Aurelia's comment (this time about the war literally happening downstairs XD)

IT'S TIME. INTOOOOOO PASTEL KIDS CHILDHOOD WITH LEELATHAEEEE!!

(Cue that batman transition music (i forgot the era))

WUJWJWHWAIB THEY??? ARE ADORABLE!!! Awww Leelathae reading them a story with Jack and Gwen & Jamie's onesie!! Also their plushies!! I'm having cuteness overload....

HAJSYAISYAJ THEY HAVE MATCHING DRESSES!!!!! Maybe Leelathae sew them herself??? SJSJSHJAUS

Oh. Okay. That's not good. I suppose there's a side effect after giving birth to the children? That's...depressing.

But before we go deeper into that, birthday party!!

I must say, I absolutely adore how chaotic Lorena seems to be lmao. Look at her and her little sword XD and Maria looking really elegant. She really does give the eldest sister vibe. Gwen looks so cute with the pigtails! (I forgot the hairstyle name). Jamie with the fruits and Gwen with the fruit and cooking utensils!

Also it seems that the pastel family is having a small party for birthdays instead of big ones like the plaid kingdom. I wonder why they don't invite the plaid family over? Blaine and Lance would be 6 and 5 years old at this time, so they're probably at the academy already. But what about Leland and Isolde?

Man, this family is genuinely so wholesome and that makes me even sadder for what's about to happen. CAUSE DAMN??? Leelathae passing out while holding the cake, and Jack noticing like 😭 AND THEN JACK RUNNING TOWARDS HER LIKE MARIA AND LORENA RUNNING TOWARDS GWEN I'M GOING TO CRY.

R.i.p cake (i had to do it)

Ahh I see. Okay. So the left ventricle (which is a part of the heart) is weakening and it can't strengthen back up? That's what I'm getting, at least. I wasn't aware something like this could happen. I'm just researching, and is Peripartum Cardiomyopathy (PPCM) the correct term for this? I don't know anything about childbirth beyond what I learn in school so... this one's purely based on searching the symptom in google.

Okay, let's see... *puts on glasses and squint my eyes* *clears throat*

Peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) or also known as Postpartum cardiomyopathy is an uncommon form of heart failure that happens toward the end of pregnancy or in the months following delivery, when no other cause of heart failure can be found.

https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/cardiomyopathy/what-is-cardiomyopathy-in-adults/peripartum-cardiomyopathy-ppcm

(This information is taken from American Heart Association website. I hope that's alright?)

Symptoms of PPCM that we've seen in Leelathae:

- Fatigue

- Shortness of breath

- Chest pain

- Feeling lightheaded or faint

- Dizziness

For now that's the only things I can note. I mean, I'm not even sure if that is what Leelathae is going through. But it seems likely. I don't have anything to add on this matter right now, so what if we go back to the story. Shall we?

"I'm going to perish...from a broken heart"

OHHHHH, OKAY DAMN LEELATHAE. Man... this reminds me of the broken heart syndrome. It's pretty interesting. If I'm not wrong, it's a heart condition that comes from extremely stressful situation or emotions. And it is possible to pass away from it. So yes, you can die from a broken heart.

Oh man this just got depressing real quick... The kids sitting beside Leelathae's bed, the medicines piling up overtime, Leelathe crying and Jack hugging her...

Leelathae :( she just wants to see her kids grow up and her husband man... and yet because a certain jealous man just had to steal a portrait...damn it Leland.

The witch!! It's her!! :0000

That's nice of her to offer to listen to Leelathae's vent :) though she does mistake her for a witch :')

THIS WHOLE TIME. IT'S THE WITCH LMAO. Okay actually being mistaken as a witch has a perk this time!! And does this mean Leelathae can bake??? Like mother like daughter real.

The panel of the witch hugging Leelathae is actually pretty sweet haha. They're besties now X)

I wonder how this spell will work....

That's it for now. 2 episodes in a post! Wooo! I gotta stop procrastinating... this post was so long lmao.

Mono out! (Ngl I'm still in lmao)

#cursed princess club #cpc #mono reviews #yeah that should be the tag for this posts now!!

[mercurialmalcontent]

stolen identity ghost story!!!

(From this ask meme!)

Ooh, this is a fun one, even though it's taking forever to cook. I had this idea for a trans guy who came out after he moved away from the small town he'd grown up in have to go back temporarily for work, over a decade later. He angsts about whether or not anyone will recognize him (he hopes not) and what will happen if they do.

When he gets to his motel and gives his name, the check in clerk (that he vaguely recognizes from high school) reacts with shock at his unusual surname, and he's like "Oh here we go", but then she starts going on about how she's so sorry and this must be a terrible time. He plays dumb until he can escape to his room and look up the local paper... and discovers that a woman using his pre-transition identity has been murdered.

He investigates, somehow connects with her (uncooperative) ghost, and together they find out who killed her and why, and how this all ties in to the job he was called into town to do (whatever it is -- currently he's an electrician).

#ask meme

[mllemaenad]

The Magnus Protocol: Well Run

That was ... pretty blatant. Freddy basically did the old pantomime bit: "She's behind you!"

Okay, so: Sam and Celia are going to the theatre, and they are going to see The Pillowman. Now, I have not seen The Pillowman (as Sam suggests, theatre tickets are expensive), but it is a black comedy about a man who is arrested when the details of a series of murders appear to be drawn from the plots of his stories.

It seems a stretch to relate the whole plot, but there's a lot here about a fuzzy line between fiction and reality.

The most obvious connection there is Mr Bonzo: he's a character whose pranks, while disturbing from the get go, have now transitioned into brutal murders. However, Mr Bonzo is not in this story: an unnamed caterer is.

The story ends with the caterer discovering that Lady Mowbray is, in fact, right behind him, ready to conclude her hunt. At which point Celia discovers that Lady Mowbray is also right behind her, and perhaps ready to begin another. Fiction blends into reality, and Freddy uses the story to shout a warning.

And the thing about the caterer guy is that he had another life – another identity – and that life was violent and disturbing. It seems to have been a long time ago (he mentions having worked with his current crew "for years"), and he seems to have been actively distancing himself from it.

I've got a pin in this guy, too, as a possible member of Starkwall. Now, to be clear, he has definitely served in the military, and there is absolutely no reason a military man might not have had multiple roles. But the only thing he explicitly connects to his military service is a familiarity with cooking for the kind of people who fundamentally believe they are better than everyone around them.

I don’t know how else to describe her. This big, imposing, like – some Roman statue brought to life and given a gun. I kept thinking of my army days, cooking for the top brass. She had the same eyes, like they didn’t see people any more, just “assets” and “resistance.” – The Magnus Protocol: Well Run

His other assertions, about knowing how to kill, and what it feels like to face down a gun, are made entirely context free. And the caterer ran. My, did he run. He notes at the beginning that the event for the which this nightmare was the catalyst took place "a couple of months ago", and he's been evading his pursuers ever since. Lady Mowbray seems to be particular in her choice of prey – she had no interest in hunting the caterer's staff herself – and I am not sure I believe that just any military man would have suited her. There's a whiff of "infamous massacre" about this one.

And it goes back to the blur between fiction and reality, because this whole thing is a pretty straightforward allusion to The Most Dangerous Game, in which a bored, exiled aristocrat hunts men for sport. While the caterer is significantly less eloquent than Rainsford, it's hard not to see the similarity between the description of General Zaroff and Lady Mowbray:

Rainsford's first impression was that the man was singularly handsome; his second was that there was an original, almost bizarre quality about the general's face. He was a tall man past middle age, for his hair was a vivid white; but his thick eyebrows and pointed military moustache were as black as the night from which Rainsford had come. His eyes, too, were black and very bright. He had high cheek bones, a sharp-cut nose, a spare, dark face, the face of a man used to giving orders, the face of an aristocrat. Turning to the giant in uniform, the general made a sign. The giant put away his pistol, saluted, withdrew. – The Most Dangerous Game, Richard Connell

Although if I'm honest, right now my mental image of Lady Mowbray is "Audrey from To the Manor Born decides shooting her way back into the house is a socially acceptable move", and that is almost certainly not what they are going for here.

So if we're talking about stories, why is that relevant? Well, Lady Mowbray is fascinated by Celia.

Lady Mowbray My, we are an odd one, aren’t we? [She sniffs again, exhales.] Lady Mowbray And braver than we look. Celia (low, steady) You’re not allowed to be in here. Lady Mowbray I was invited. [The dogs’ growling intensifies.] Lady Mowbray A fine specimen… strong and… different… [Another inhale, exhale, slow] What is that…? – The Magnus Protocol: Well Run

And it is at least plausible, at the moment, that Celia herself is a character from a story. Specifically, she is a character from The Magnus Archives.

If she is that Celia, Lady Mowbray is right: she is indeed remarkable. She was one of only a handful of people to escape a torture chamber in a world run by eldritch gods, and live free. Granted, she had help, but that does not make her less unusual.

And if she is that Celia, that means she is also Lynne Hammond, a woman who was almost absurdly pragmatic about being haunted by a burning woman.

Lynne I mean… she burned me a bit. Martin Oh! Oh wow! Okay, er, like, are you okay? Did you – Lynne Oh. Martin Was there, was there a lot of damage? Are you – Is there…? Lynne No, no, no. It’s… er, just, just a few hairs. My right arm. I mean they, they’ve grown back. Martin Like, like a few hairs? So then… And then she disappeared and you…? Lynne I went back to sleep. [MARTIN GATHERS HIMSELF WITH A LONG INTAKE OF BREATH] Martin Right. Erm… And, well, then what happened? So, y’know, y’know, you’ve been burned by this, mys-mysterious ghost, so what did you do? Lynne I mean, I moved out. Martin And nothing… nothing since then? Lynne Well, no. I’ve, I’ve moved. – The Magnus Archives: I Guess You Had to Be There

In that case, Celia, like the caterer, has another identity she has left behind her. And while she is no killer (as far as we know), she is very much a survivor. I mean – what do you even do with that? The lady faced down a burning ghost and then went back to sleep.

Of course that's all speculation. Celia could be someone else entirely. But even if that is so, I think it is still true that she has left some life behind her.

Celia And before you ask, no, there’s no dad on the scene, not even sure who he is. I had a… couple of wild years after I moved here. It was a really weird time for me, but somehow I got lucky enough to come out of it all with him. – The Magnus Protocol: Futures

There's a story in all that – one she has not told all of yet. Lady Mowbray wants to hunt, sure, but her particular interest seems to be in bringing people's pasts back to haunt them.

But if the episode's case is directed at Celia, Alice is nevertheless the main character of this one.

There's a ... lot going on there, and it's almost hard to track which pieces fit with which others. There's a lot of watery imagery even before we get to the point of the matter: Luke's bands are called "Dredgerman" and "Penny for the Well", and the beer they order, Doom Bar, which is apparently real (I know nothing about beer except that it tastes revolting), draws its name from a treacherous sandbar that was apparently cursed by a pissed off mermaid.

The most obvious connection to all of this is Marked, although it's hard to tell if this is a power-themed manifestation (something is into drowning), or if this is more directly related to Ink5oul's tattoo-related grave robbery. Alice doesn't mention tattoos – not on her brother and not on the victim, but that's hardly conclusive as she clearly has other things on her mind.

None of that is what really interests me, though. I'm more interested in the meta level of how these stories are told. And there are two here, even if one is short and bleak: the tale of the caterer on the run, and the tale of the drowning victim's last gasp.

Because this goes back to the nature of stories again.

The first interesting thing is the tape recorder. Because the tape recorder is a choice. Alice is there, with her phone, and whoever is listening does not use that. It can use Alice's phone – it does in the scene with her brother – but just now it isn't recording Alice. It's recording the drowning victim, and Alice happens to be there. And for that, it pulls out a tape recorder. So why for this?

The second thing is the way the stories are told. Both narrators are astonishingly coherent, and this is especially true for the victim, who in theory had too much water in her lungs to even talk.

Now, obviously this is how these stories work. I believe at least some inspiration for the style was drawn from M R James, so there's nothing surprising in the use of that particular style, with a lot of incidental details included by the narrator to set the scene and build up to the horror over time.

However: a) not all stories in The Magnus Protocol are like that, with some taking a more fragmented format, as they're told through emails or forum posts and b) there was eventually an in universe explanation for why people in The Magnus Archives talked like that – the Archivist was able to draw out their stories.

There's no direct connection between the way the two characters tell their stories: the caterer seems to be using a tip-off line for a newspaper, and the drowning victim is talking to a tape recorder that shouldn't be there.

But both find a voice to tell their tale that they really should not have. Not in their current circumstances. You see it in Futures, as well: Darrien starts out with a completely expected angry customer rant. But after a little bit, he drops into that habit of telling his life's story, of all the context that brought him to this point. He was talking to a support line.

So ... it's the tech. That power that John had, and Gertrude before him, it's in the tech. And not just in one app or phone or spooky tape recorder. It seems to be in everything. And it's powerful enough that it can compel a dead woman to speak.

That's interesting.

#the magnus protocol #the magnus protocol spoilers #the magnus archives

[sixosix]

here i am as prophesized

six u did it again. i'm reeling. ahem picture me at a lectern riffling frantically through the paper where i've written this speech

first of all !! i'm always impressed by how you manage to weave comedy and tragedy together so masterfully. like the lighthearted parts leave me so giddy i'm practically vibrating then the intense bits make my jaw shatter like a vase with how hard i'm clenching it like WOW. i am oscillating between two extremes like a pendulum !!!

'blushing like a maiden' and 'he shuts up immediately' made me holler your depiction of lyney is truly the correct one of all time

second of all !!! the fact you actually take the time to flesh out the side characters gives the story sooo much colour and life. like i usually have a gripe when it comes to fanfics that my favourites (in this case lynette) get overshadowed or mischaracterised in favour of the love interest but i never had that complaint with this series !! all the characters feel wonderful!!! the parallells you drew between lynette and arlecchino felt like a gourmet feast YOU COOKED ONCE AGAIN !!!!

third of all !!! the way you transitioned the series from beginning to middle to end was flawless. like genuinely. i usually struggle with the in between bits when i'm writing series but thawed is the perfect balance of beach episodes and plot episodes like actually. gobsmacked. even in the newest chapter i can sense the storyline coming to a close in the most satisfying way. kinda like reading agatha christie ngl

praying this is at least a little coherent but in case it's not : THAWED VERY GOOD !!! THAWED FANTASTIC !!!

HELLO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I GENUINELY TEARED UP AG THIS OMG. thank you so much?? im actually speechless that all i can say is thank you?? u have no idea how much this means to me

also yes i adore the fontaine cast and lynette is a very important character to both lyney AND mc! i cant just…not write her in. shes family too!!! but im glad u noticed that LMAO

thawed is such a HUUGE project. ive never finished a series before and it was so daunting writing the recent chapter bc i was just like This is so sloppy and lazy 😭 but to hear this (read??) makes me so happy truly !!!! i was so nervous to post this and im sure ill be even more nervous for the last chapter, but i feel much better now:’))

also what the hell this was more than coherent your way of words is so beautiful:(( thank u so much again im soso happy u like it

#606:inbox #606: little-honey-the-third #<3

[zahri-melitor]

Newish Comics:

The Flash #7: The Linear Men? The Linear Men??? Si Spurrier, what is cooking in your brain and can you keep giving me a direct line to it? (I mean bringing the Linear Men in a series that also gave us Gold Beetle makes perfect sense because Rip would be so into her but wow. It looks like they've barely been used since Flashpoint too). Also it's fascinating watching the re-establishment of Max and Bart's relationship.

Barry seems to finally have risen out of his ennui a bit, only to notice Something Is Wrong With Linda and then immediately suspect (wrongly) it's Hartley. Still pretty sure Linda's main issue is PPD but it being imposed by an external source is certainly something.

Green Arrow #10: this is another issue that mostly exists for people to hug each other, while Williamson goes 'remember that these people had relationships?' Sean Izaakse's art is just so good in terms of drawing the memory backgrounds so well I can pick out the specific issues and storylines he used as references (Batman + Arsenal shoutout!)

Also, remember when Amanda Waller didn't put bombs in people's heads, she just very occasionally put explosive collars or wristbands on the most dangerous and/or irritating Suicide Squad members? (Like Captain Boomerang?) Because I do. I remember Suicide Squad 1987.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold #11: part of this is me just being contrary, I know, but I am extremely not convinced we are going to see Maps as an active Robin in a main title, given Kerschl is a Gotham Academy creator anyway, and she's currently getting appearances as Meridian over in Birds of Prey. Gotham Academy continuity is only about 1/4 linked to main book continuity. (Someone is going to try and point out 'they appeared in Robin War' or something but it was an active and new title then, and honestly, nobody writing most Bat titles cares about them. It's its own sub universe. Also this story has Bruce dating Isla MacPherson, something I guarantee will not be followed up anywhere else)

Also imagine being called Karl Kerschl and coming to DC to write? How much time does this poor man spend saying "no, not Kesel".

The Artemis story remains amazing and I am fully supportive of it retconning whatever character crimes it is currently trying to excuse as weird.

Also how did we get so unlucky as to have both a Bat Lash AND a Sgt Rock story in this issue?

Amazons Attack #6: and this tied things off nicely! Honestly for an event that didn't need to happen, Josie Campbell did well with it, featured a whole host of Wonder Woman characters that Tom King's barely interacting with, and added to some relationships between characters that needed additional work.

Alan Scott: The Green Lantern #5: I am sure this is a far more meaningful issue if you care deeply about Green Lantern lore. Also DELIGHTED that the JSA team up in this series actually happens on page rather than in the final splash like in Wesley Dodds: The Sandman. (Wesley Dodds is still the best of the three minis to me, but I'm happy here that we're going to get JSA backup).

The Warlord #45: Previously on Lost World of the Warlord (I said I would) Travis set out to find out what had happened to his daughter Jennifer. He goes back to the village of dwarfs and gets his old sword back (since he chucked Hellfire into a lake), and ends up fighting some Cyclops' that took several of the dwarves to eat. Tragically nothing particularly fun happens here (though a skeleton IS tied to a cross, the bondage isn't involving any characters I care about AND it's just a warning threat)

Also something weird went on with the lettering this issue where what I think were script directions ended up as text boxes for all the scene transitions. If it was a stylistic choice on Grell's part it's a particularly odd one.

#z canon read throughs #newish comics

[eatmangoesnekkid]

When you are multidimensionally birthing, when you are creating, producing, curating, or sculpting signature work, you may have birthing pains that remind you of a mother in labor. I have assisted in delivering a baby alongside my friend who was working as a midwife at the time, and I am grateful to have experienced the primality and passion of a natural birth experience. I wasn't professionally trained to be an aide, an unofficial doula, but she and the mother and father trusted my temperament, breath, and heart to be of service which was more than enough reason for me to say "YES!" to their request. Of course a mother laboring a child spirit into this reality is a high octane energy that nothing could EVER compare to, and it was also very real for me in a deeply spiritual way. I didn't feel physical pain, but spiritual/energetic, (meta)physical, the incredibly overlooked and undocumented kind of birthing pains I felt. Earlier this evening I had the deepest guttural cry. I was wailing, sobbing and making loud heaving sounds while profusely shaking and unaware that I was bent over in a deep squat position. My partner was at an event and I knew if called, would have been worried and came home right away and I really didn't want that to happen. I really didn't want to talk to anyone to be honest. What calmed me into harmony was realizing that I was squatting like a sovereign mother about to have an unassisted birth. With my postural awareness and growing comfort in a resting deep squat position like the Grandmothers who flexibly squatted while prepping and cooking garri or egusi soup on the ground, I felt primordially held and cared for. After thumbing through my body of work and being taken aback by the content and page petals, feeling the potency, vulnerability, and magic and at the same time, feeling devastated and a bit scared, all I could do was surrender and sob. Encoded within our the female line and feminine psyche is a fear of being harmed whenever we speak uncommon truths that change lives, expands hearts, and free minds. These memories can put us in unconscious "fight or flight" or freeze states. I can't explain the polarity much more than my exhilaration and excitement was coupled with deep grief and devastation like "will someone come for me?" Weep, weep! There is some subtle part of my system--your system-- that remembers --this ancient fear fermenting in the female line. A signature body of body full of divine wisdom and here I feel mixed dense contradictory emotion. The last time I held this level of mixed emotion was in 2006 when my mum transitioned from breast cancer. As her primary caregiver, I felt a sense of relief that she was no longer in chronic pain but was also incredibly devastated and couldn't imagine living life without her. Being able to feel what we are actually feeling is an immeasurable blessing that I won't ever take for granted. Deeply listening to our tissues and becoming emotionally attuned to the needs of our body are gifts we give back to a world that lacks deep feeling and deep listening skills. This way our female tissues- breasts, vulva, and vaginal canal--and heart do not become contracted and hardened. And the accompanying nerve endings do not numb out. Nor does our nervous system normalize dysregulation. Like "this is it, India. Time to let it go." And I wailed and screamed because my body felt safe to release what was there. I feel tears bubbling up again as I type. It's all stunning and achy. This too is part of the love story. When there is new love, when you meet a potential new lover, there is also this fear of waiting-for-the- other-shoe-to-drop so I feel like the presence of oppositional states are a kind of creational thrust of the universe, similar to feminine and masculine energies elevating in divine union.  I know authors are usually not emoting their authoring struggles online- I'm not like them.  I live with an immense amount of self-generating pleasurable energy streaming through my body and on the rare occasion pain arrives at this time in my life, it's also immense. I don't care to live life like other authors. No shade to anyone but I feel things in my body that a person who lives mostly in their left brain would not be able to fathom. I know the difference because I have lived both realities. No advice needed from anyone...only vulnerably documenting this part of my journey. I will graciously receive energetic hugs though. :)

India Ame’ye, Author

[battle-of-alberta]

The ask box is closed (temporarily!) until 2024.

Please direct any burning questions via DM or to my main blog @allbeendonebefore or art blog @acetechne. I am catching up on about 15 asks over the holidays and would like to clear the box out before I start on any new projects.

The 2023 Annual Blog Survey is complete!

Thanks for participating! [ Check out the results here. ]

---

What is this blog?

This is an ask blog for personifications of Canadian cities Edmonton and Calgary as well as a handful of their friends around the province. See brief bios below!

Please check the desktop/browser version of this blog for a more detailed vision, FAQ, and Story links among others. You're welcome to use my characters in your own works, please tag me so I can see!

My main blog is @allbeendonebefore. I go by Hapo (she/they) and I am running this blog primarily from Treaty 6 Territory (Edmonton). My background is primarily in classics, information and museum studies; I am not a historian, but I do have historical training and interest.

Ask Status: Closed! (temporarily)

There is currently (May 2024) a backlog of 8 asks, please be patient for answers :) Sometimes I will answer an ask right away or sit on it for months, I don’t necessarily answer them in the order I receive them.

Asks without a recipient will generally be directed towards Ed and/or Cal; you can also ask me directly! Please be respectful when asking questions, especially around politically or historically sensitive issues.

I will be closing asks in December due to travel and to give me some catch up time and open them again sometime in 2024.

Meta Stuff

BoAB Meta Tag | 2022 Blog Survey Results | The BoAB uQuiz

Characters below!

Main Characters

Edmonton | Edward Murphy Masterpost | Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes Begrudging capital of the province and self-proclaimed black sheep, Ed represents an eclectic mix of blue collar oil culture and government service. When he’s not trying to escape the gravitational pull of 1980′s nostalgia for Gretzky and The Mall or snarking his way through question period at the legislature, Ed enjoys partying hard at festivals and long bike rides in the river valley.

Calgary | Calvin McCall Masterpost | Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes Largest city in the province and fourth nationally, Calvin’s youthful energy and optimism is tempered by a conservative streak and a preoccupation with being taken seriously as a major city at home and abroad. He is most famous for his annual Stampede celebrating the romantic wild west... contrary to his actual upbringing in the mild west!

Red Deer | Elaine Hartley Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes The city halfway between the provincial powerhouses, Red is either fuelling up vehicles, people, or both at once in Gasoline Alley. Maybe if people stuck around after emptying their bladders or filling their stomachs, they’d discover she has more to offer than her delicious home cooking!

Lethbridge | Lilith Sheran Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes The former financial hub of the province and former American whisky fort, Lilith has transitioned from a gritty coal mining past to the laid back lifestyle of a university city. Although she is one of Canada’s windiest cities, she rarely has a hair out of place.

Fort McMurray | Reginald “Mac” Buffalo Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes An isolated hamlet at the heart of the Regional Municipality of Wood Buffalo and the Athabasca tar sands, Mac is a tough, working class rig pig. Behind his massive pick up truck, corded muscles and defensive nature is a shy guy (and a big fluffy Newfoundland/husky mix dog, Patches).  

Medicine Hat | Madeline Hargrave Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes A sleepy retirement community and overall ray of sunshine, Madeline usually takes a back seat in the provincial conversations and prefers to work on her own projects. Famously referred to as having “all hell for a basement”, Madeline’s wealth in natural gas and electricity continues to light her way.

Grande Prairie | Josephine Cardinal Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes A fast growing industrial city, Josephine’s hot temper and no-nonsense attitude occasionally conflicts with her romantic perception of herself. She is very proud of being a northern city with a surprising number of amenities and is more than happy to share with her neighbours.

Banff | Eleanor Crandell Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes An internationally famous mountain resort town, Eleanor is usually busy hosting and entertaining visitors from abroad (as well as Calvin every weekend). When not attending to guests, she is as down for skiing and wilderness hikes as she is for the buzzing shopping and nightlife scene.

Jasper | Jasper Swift Bio | Relationships | Trivia | Notes A former fur trading post turned heart of a national park, Jas tends to be a little more laid back than their counterpart in Banff but no less popular. A little quieter and wilder, Jasper’s claim to fame is their cozy cabin culture and annual Dark Sky festival.

Other Municipalities

Strathcona | Edith Garneau: Former municipality representing Edmonton’s south side and the University of Alberta campus, Edith is typically found inhaling copious amounts of cuisine on Whyte Ave or rehearsing for Fringe Fest when not plotting the downfall of the government.

Bowness | Caroline Cochrane: Former municipality representing Calgary’s northwest, Caroline represents what used to be a popular recreational spot for day-tripping Calgarians during the early 20th century. These days, she is usually trying to organize community fundraisers with themes beyond “western”.

---

St. Paul | Paula: Small town originally founded as a Metis settlement, Paula’s current major attraction is the centennial UFO landing pad (with accompanying UFO Hotline, naturally.)

Vulcan | ? : Small town originally named for the Roman god of the forge, now capitalizing on their reputation as Star Trek Capital of Canada for obvious reasons.

Drumheller | ? : Small town in the Alberta badlands famous the world over for fantastic fossil finds, many of which are housed at the nearby Royal Tyrell Museum.

Cardston | Orson Card: Small town founded around one of the most northern locations of Mormon Temples in North America. Orson is a polite and sincere (if unsettlingly so) fellow who helped build southern Alberta’s irrigation system.

Sherwood Park | Marion Clover: A bedroom community east of Edmonton and one of the largest population centres in the province despite technically being a hamlet. Marion is a refined lady (pun intended) that supervises one of Western Canada’s biggest industrial zones.

---

Missing a character? While my goal is not to personify every municipality in the province, I will occasionally reference others. Keep your eyes peeled!

#ask blog #hetalia ask blog #hws oc #hetalia oc #iammatthewian #projectcanada cities #pc: edmonton #pc: calgary #pc: red deer #pc: lethbridge #pc: grande prairie #pc: medicine hat #pc: fort mcmurray #pc: banff #pc: jasper #hapo art #digital art #clip studio paint #boab illustration #edward murphy #calvin mccall #elaine hartley #lilith sheran #josephine cardinal #madeline hargrave #reginald buffalo #eleanor crandell #jasper swift #boab announcement #pinned post

[sinisterpeople]

Hi guys, I kind of really need around 200 dollars now. Long story will be under the cut. I know not everyone has money right now, especially during the holidays, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway.

My kofi and paypal are sinisterpeople.

I moved to another country on my last money because living in my homecountry is very scary right now, R**sia bordering us and all, but also I want to transition socially and medically one day, and here it's much more available. Money's been tight overall, but I could manage with my savings.

However, my roommate that's been my friend of 11 years, with whom I agreed to live, has been acting very bad to me, to say the least. We lived with her abusive boyfriend (she never told me he would live with us, and she managed to keep him away only after several breakdowns of mine), and she also had a bad hoarding problem, as well as the problems with hygiene, so our place was literally rotting and smelling Very bad, along with having insects. I could try managing with that since I have an experience, but she decided to top it off with getting a kitten and a parrot several weeks before I came, both of whom she neglected and whom I had to care about. I have severe allergies and have problems with breathing (rhinitis), but I'm not diagnosed with asthma so she thought I made my allergy attacks up to get people's attention.

I decided to move out, and I successfully did, however I caught tonsillitis 2 days after moving in and had to buy myself antibiotics and other medicine, which was very pricey. I also couldn't take or even "fully buy" things we bought together with me, since I "used it more than her". I wasn't able to cook myself anything for 2 weeks and had to rely on small cafes near me (I don't have anyone who could cook for me sadly, and it was very hard to cook without a pot, or pan, or anything besides 2 cups). After getting better, I finally bought myself house utensils. It all took a big hit on my wallet.

I don't really like sharing my sob stories with you all, but it would really mean a lot if you could help me during this time.

#commissions #art commissions #open commissions

[raptorfae53]

Monster High Reimagined

Deuce Gorgon character bio/redesign

Deuce Gorgon (he/him)

Trans man

The Gorgon son of medusa

(Greek Moroccan)

Deuce is the first Gorgon (on account of their rarity as a monster type) to attend monster high at the behest of his nervous and at-times overbearing mother Medusa. (yes, that medusa) Not that he minds all that much being an easygoing, chilled out boy who tends to make friends easily through his delicious cooking and general affability ,monster high being the perfect place to hone his many Gorgon powers and perfect his culinary skills as well as make some new friends. That Mummy girl in particular is kinda cute,he'd love to get to know her better…

Likes: cooking,space,skateboarding,pet rodents and tabletop rpgs.

Dislikes: transphobia and islamophobia,cold weather (makes him drowsy),accidentally petrifying people, wasting good food and people acting entitled towards kitchen staff and servers.

Killer style: A simple,casual look that marries north African and western streetwear. Because of Vermont's chilly climate most of the year his mantra when picking out an outfit for the day is to strike a balance between “cool” and warm, or he risks falling asleep in class thanks to the cold. (Though usually one of his friends jolts him awake or lends him their coat if he does)

Familiar: Percy,Orym and Caleb the rats. Named after some of the characters from a tabletop rpg web show he loves,deuce has always liked rodents but until he arrived in the states wasn't able to keep them due to his family's affinity for them in a...different sense (as accidental as it always was,his mother's always felt a bit off snacking on rodents personally but her serpentine urges are always just too strong,she and her sisters try to never do so in front of him at least if they must)

Pet Peeve: food influencers using exponential amounts of ingredients for wasteful,dumb stunts online. It just doesn't sit right for a working class guy like deuce who was taught growing up how much more could be made with less.

Freaky Flaw: At the moment his petrifying gaze. Being a Gorgon means deuce has a bevy of latent powers with the ability to turn people to stone amongst them. Which whilst thankfully it isn't permanent can still be an inconvenient (to say the least of it) experience for the recipient and very awkward for himself,there's also the matter of his glasses used to keep said power in check dropping in food while he's cooking but that's another story altogether…

Spooky Secret: Despite being chilled out a lot of the time,duece does sometimes worry about his mother back home and whether their once tight bond is starting to fray,and that whilst she's generally a bit of a nervous wreck about everything it's something to do with his transition and her anxiety regarding men. Although medusa has been stalwart and understanding of him throughout his transition and deuce himself probably knows it's probably more to do with him growing up and leaving home for the first time,the thought still makes him a little nervous.

Dream job: be it in a high class restaurant or in a simple shop or food truck,deuce hopes to put his culinary skills to good use after high school and get the world as hooked on his greek-Moroccan-monster fusion food as he was growing up.

Five Fearsome Facts:

Deuce is a practising Muslim. Medusa and her sisters having converted centuries ago after becoming (obviously) disillusioned with their native hellenic polytheism after the “incident” and deuce and his cousin viperine being raised in its stead. As with it's other minority faith students, monster high accommodates him as best they can,for example giving him and the few other Muslim students a room for midday prayers and offering halal/vegetarian lunch options within the creepeteria.

Aside from the culinary arts,deuces' other great love has been space,being interested in the cosmos from a young age. This manifests in a lot of his other favourite media,including spending many hours of his spare time watching live streams of space launches and playing video games like Kerbal space program, as well as a love of astronomy and the constellations,a telescope being one of the most treasured possessions brought with him from Morocco.

Deuce's “hair” may look a bit odd at first,with the roots seemingly dyed dark green that fades into a deep brown ,but it's actually all natural! The nine snakes that make up his hairdo are African house snakes,all named after different beasts within the constellations. (Serpens,Hydrus,Cetus,Ursa,Taurus,Cygnus,Corvus,Scorpio and Leo) ironically due to his birthday being in early December deuce himself was born under the “forgotten” zodiac Ophiuchus ,the serpent bearer.

Like all gorgons,deuce has a pair of wings, and while Gorgons aren't as proficient fliers as vampires or harpies,per say, medusa saw it fit to teach duece how to fly short distances “just in case”, deuce prefers to get around town on his skateboard most of the time though. (This concept being inspired by designs by artists like @sleepywsha )

Also like his mother and family,deuce has powerful and rapid self-regeneration abilities,but though medusa has famously survived being decapitated and come out physically no worse for wear deuce isn't willing to test out its restrictions much and keeps his workspace as safe as can possibly be.

Happy new year everybody!!! I know I said last time I would have another one of these out by the end of 2023,but I had stuff going on irl/a bit of writers block so this (and several others to come) is done a bit later than I originally intended.

(Since I felt the following tract about why i made the design choices i have and how they tie into the folklore surrounding Gorgons would have made this already long post completely and utterly colossal ,I've put it in the read more tab down below)

Regardless i hope you like this post,and keep your eyes peeled because another one is nearly done and coming soon,hopefully anyway...

Anyways,before anything else,you're probably wondering why deuce is written the way he is. Considering how many of it's famous mythological monsters have found their way into Western pop culture, Monster High has a lot,and I mean a LOT of characters who hail from Greece. (There's also my hc that in general new salem has a large human population of greek immigrants, but anyways) As such, I decided to make a few of the greek characters hail from other parts of the world. Duece being from North Africa is a reference to several ancient scholars attempts to pinpoint exactly where medusa lived,with a popular schools of thought being that she originated from the mythology of the Ancient amazigh people of the sahara (of whose descendants make up a good chunk of modern morocco's population currently) and lived in classical Libya (Aka all of Africa north of the sahara) or as far west as the Cabo Verde islands off Senegal. My train of thought behind the idea of medusa living in Morocco was driven by the idea of her wanting to get as far away from the grecian world as possible after everything regarding perseus and settled down in what was then the phoenican colonies on the other side of the Mediterranean,which eventually became carthiginian,then roman,then islamic,then french/spanish and finally independent.

Impromptu history lesson aside, another reason behind my changes was because I felt monster high could have the chance to represent characters of different and diverse faiths as well as nationalities,identities, and orientations. It just made sense to me for it to be that way. Plus, aside from gigi and Wisp (and considering the iffy reputation those two have i understand why a lot of people arent too fond of them) ,Monster High really doesn't have any characters from the Islamic world,which in my opinion is a massive shame considering the rich cultures and mythologies within places like Iran,Mesopotamia and North Africa. So I thought that there should be some,even if it's only through a transplanted character from classical mythology at the moment.

Finally since this post is way too long already,here's a few visuals to show what exactly I'm going for within the text.

First off since I absolutely despise the G1 snake mowhawk,I imagine deuce has "hair" that's styled more like this:

Meanwhile, this is an african house snake,and what I imagine deuces "hair" colour looks like: (Unlike with the snake mowhawk, this wasn't because I hated the green btw)

Finally in terms of a mix of North african and western clothing,I like to imagine duece would absolutely rock both a hooded and non hooded kaftan with vans, baggy jeans, hoodies or puffer jackets.

#monster high #deuce gorgon #monster high reimagined

[sleuthy-scientist]

Time After Time - Chapter Nine - It Was Not Your Fault But Mine

The full story can be found here. This probably won't make any sense unless you've read previous chapters.

He nervously waited, knowing rightfully so Emily might need more time, and he had to give her that if she did. He couldn't force her hand on this, on something so important, that she had full control of.

Jessica returned 15 minutes later, having shut herself into Dave's study for some privacy for her phone call to Emilly.

He didn't hear Jessica return, it wasn't until she repeated his name for the third time that he realised she had finished her conversation with Emily.

"Emily said she would call soon. She was cooking breakfast when I called. She promised after they've eaten and she can settle Grace into watching her favourite Saturday morning cartoons, she will call."

"Until then, I thought maybe we could talk a little more. Maybe, I could also tell you a bit about your daughter, I think that's a relatively safe neutral topic."

"Please Jess, I would love that, I can't wait to officially meet her, I only got to see her and hear her talk for a few moments."

"First before we talk about Grace, like I said, I promise I will be there for Jack, and help make this transition easier for him if my presence helps. But, I won't betray Emily, I know you are a good person Aaron Hotchner, but I'm in her corner. Not that she needs anyone to protect her, but I will defend her honour if I need to."

"Cause you screwed up big time buddy, you need to do everything you can to fix this. I know Emily loves Jack just as unconditionally as she does Grace. Haley would be happy knowing her son has the kind of family she always wanted to give him."

Aaron piped in,"I think Haley really liked Emily, I know they didn't have a chance to really get to know each other, but they seemed like fast friends, gossiping and giggling whenever they saw each other. Emily also told me Haley asked her to look after me, when they were in WITSEC. I think she knew way before I did that I had feelings for Emily."

Jessica chuckled, knowing Aaron had been absolutely clueless. "Oh she definitely did, she told me once months after your divorce, that she knew Emily was the one for you. Mind you, she was completely sober at the time when she came to the realization. She didn't think you were anything but faithful to her when you guys were married, but she knew Emily was from your world and understood you in ways she couldn't."

Jessica couldn't stop herself from revealing part of the last conversation she had with her sister. "I probably should have told you this sooner, but, I don't know how Haley knew, but they let her call me right before she had to disappear. She told me she knew you would be ok because you had Emily looking out for you. And God forbid if anything happened to her, she knew Emily would get you and Jack through it and help you both learn to smile again."

Jessica couldn't stop the immediate tears welling in her eyes, that fell with the next words she spoke. "I just, I love them both so much. Being a part of their lives has helped heal my heart a little. I still miss Haley everyday, but I know how it feels to be happy again. I want that for you and Jack too."

"Aaron you have to promise me, you wont do anything to screw this up, because, we both know Emily's it for you. And I'm not going to get in the middle and smooth things over if you rush Emily. She's been hurt enough by you, you need to listen to what she wants and needs from you. For now, just be Gracie and Jack's dad, and try to be Emily's friend. The rest will work itself out, I know you can eventually find your place together again."

He was sure and steady in his feelings now, he hoped his words conveyed that. "Jess I want that too, and I know Emily's the one. I think a part of me has always known, even back when I was too stubborn to admit it to myself. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work. But, you're right, as usual, she needs time and I can't afford to make anymore decisions for her."

Jess wiped away the stray tears that had escaped. "Good, that's what I like to hear. And I won't make any promises, but I also twisted Emily's arm a little, about maybe letting you and Jack stay in her guest house, while you figure out more long-term concrete plans. It might make things easier having you and Jack so close by for Grace to get to know."

"I'm certain Emily wants you and Jack to have a relationship with Grace. She's not going to forbid you from seeing your daughter. But you have to let her be in shock, to scream, yell, cry, deal with this however she sees fit. You don't get to rush her, she's entitled to make this hard for you."

"Just let her be the overprotective mama bear. You don't get to be angry with her, or take out your frustrations with her. And you definitely don't get to insinuate yourself back into their lives like you have every right to them. Don't rush this, it's going to all work out if you give it the care, attention and time it needs."

Aaron smirked, he had always been rather fond of seeing Emily stand up for others."Emily loves fiercely, I have no doubt I will see her protective side frequently in the coming months. I know I don't deserve her, either of them really. But their mine and I never stopped loving Emily for a second, she was always on my mind."

Jessica hesitated saying the next bit, not sure if it was entirely her place to say. "For what it's worth, I know deep down she still loves you too, but I'm not sure that's enough, or if she can even forgive you. But, don't ever stop trying to win her back, I know you're the love of her life, and she's yours. You just need to be patient and listen, and let her find her footing first."

Aaron knew Jessica was right on all counts, it would be hard to be patient, but he needed to. "For her, I'm willing to wait forever if that's what it takes. Life doesn't make sense without her, I will accept my role in her life in whatever capacity she will have me. I can't live without her."

Jessica couldn't help smiling knowing they had a real chance of making things work. She was excited for them, and was sure she had gotten her point across. She was happy to move on to other topics, like Grace, certain the Hotchner boys were going to absolutely adore her niece.

"Ok enough of us being all doom and gloom, we both need a dose of cheer, what would you like to know about your daughter?"

Aaron's eyes lit up, he had endless questions he could bombard her with."Anything, everything, whatever your willing to share. Why don't you just start telling me about her and we will start there?"

There was so much she could say about her niece, she didn't know where to start. "It's safe to say for a while it was like Emily lost her shine, Gracie was the only thing that could really make her smile. It's always been obvious to anyone who sees them together, Emily's heart beats for that sweet little angel. God, she has always been the most loving, devoted, and perfect mother."

"The bond she has with Grace can't be broken, that little girl absolutely worships her mother. Aaron, I'm just elated for you and can't wait for you to have this chance to finally know your daughter. She's going to have you wrapped around her finger in no time, mark my words."

Aaron piped in enthralled by everything he was hearing. "I already love her, and if she's anything like her mother, which I imagine she is, I am certain she will have both myself and Jack ready to do her bidding in no time."

Jess couldn't help nodding in agreeance. "It's hard not to immediately fall in love just looking at that little cherub face. Those chubby cheeks and big brown expressive eyes. She mesmerizes everyone she meets, regardless of the walk of life they come from. Grace, she's the sweetest, most intelligent, well behaved little girl. She reminds me quite a bit of how Jack was at that age, especially with her never ending curiosity. "

"She's got a wild streak sometimes though, and can be absolutely fearless. Also her imagination, introspection, and empathy, know no bounds. She's definitely taken more than a few grown men down a peg or two with her sass and wit."

Aaron chuckled along with Jess at that, already knowing exactly where she inherited her personality and temperament from.

"She's 100% the mini version of her mom. Seriously her thirst for knowledge is unparalleled, she even speaks four languages already. Not that Emily's pushed it on her, Grace just loves to read and learn. It's the cutest thing watching her learn new words and converse with Emily. She truly is her mother's daughter through and through."

"Emily made arrangements when Grace was born, so doesn't travel out of town much anymore for work. But, anytime she has to leave for a case, she leaves Gracie the sweetest little love notes for her to decipher, with whatever language and grammar skills they are practicing. It helps distract Grace from missing Emily and they are constant reminders for her that she's beyond loved."

Aaron could feel his heart bursting with pride, having always known Emily was meant to be a mom. Ever since the case with Carrie Ortiz, he knew it was a secret dream she harboured, one she never thought she would have for herself. Once they got together, he learned even more so why it was so important to her.

He knew regardless, Emily was always afraid of turning out like her mother. Even then he thought it was mind boggling that she worried about something that couldn't be further from the truth. He had no doubt even when Grace was grown, she would always want and need Emily in her life.

He knew she loved Jack like he was her own, but he knew to some extent it was different getting to experience every part of a child's life. He hated knowing he had missed the whole pregnancy and the moment their little girl took her first breath. Timing wise, he knew that couldn't have been necessarily avoided, but every part he missed after, that was his fault.

Once more, Jessica's words broke him out of his inner musings."There's no doubt she's your daughter though too. Sometimes when something really stumps her, she gets this look of concentration, her expression and the way her eyebrows furrow, it's 100% you. And when she's angry, she goes dead silent and god, she does your glare. It's literally the most adorable thing I've ever seen."

The ringing of his phone interrupted Jessica from saying more. She immediately got up to afford Aaron privacy for conversation he was about to have. She decided to prepare coffee, tea, and breakfast for them both, to occupy her time productively until the call ended.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He almost dropped the phone when he noticed the number he had long ago memorized by heart, appearing on his cellphones display.

"Hey."

There wasn't much for him to glean from her succinct greeting. He suspected her choice to refrain from utilizing his name was simply a defence mechanism she was using to distance herself. He knew he could already be reading too much into the one word she'd spoken, but he liked to think he still knew her.

"Hey Em, I wasn't sure you'd actually call." He kept his tone light and jovial, hoping to put her at ease. Her next words reminded him he was the one on trial not her, and doubting her in anyway wasn't going to win him any points.

"I said I would be in contact. I'd have come over, but my little monkey is super clingy today. I also didn't want to spring my presence on Jack. I wasn't sure when him and Dave would be back from breakfast, if he would want to see me, or if it was even appropriate."

God Aaron loved her, and he had missed her nervous ramblings. But he knew she only really did it when she felt vulnerable. And he hated that she could ever think Jack could possibly hate her or not want to see her.

But, she didn't know Jack had mentioned her everyday for the duration they were in WITSEC, constantly bringing up ideas for plans they could do when they saw her next. Or how he'd animatedly retell his favourite memories featuring her, whenever something reminded him of her.

Aaron always calmly listened, truly interested in just how much his son loved and missed Emily. He had noticed Jack slowly stopped mentioning her, when they moved after they were in the clear. He probably came to the realization they weren't going back, and at the time Aaron had taken Jack's response as a blessing in disguise. His own heart couldn't take the constant reminders of Emily.

Now, he hadn't heard is son utter her name in years. He hated knowing he had taken away the only other woman who had loved Jack, just as his own mother had.

Aaron was glad to see Emily had the forethought to think of his son's feelings, just as she had always done so before. He truly didn't know how his son would have reacted to seeing her, and he would have hated her having false hope, if their interaction hadn't been positive.

He was broken out of his thoughts by her next words knowing he had paused too long without an appropriate response. "But, you should know by now I'm a woman of my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. It hasn't even been an hour since Jess called. And even if she hadn't prompted me to contact you, I would have done so eventually on my own accord."

Aaron could hear the growing spite in her words, knowing she was on the edge and her patience for him was already worn thin. And with the awkward silence that followed her previous statement, that she was just as nervous as him, if not more so.

And that, even if she held all the power and cards in their current situation, ultimately she was deeply hurt because of his choices. Whether he liked it or not, he was the cause of her pain and couldn't let her words rile him up too. It would be counterproductive for him to choose a passive aggressive response, so he tried for a more peaceful approach.

"Emily you're right, Jess said you would call, and you've always kept your promises before. I know we are both on edge, but I don't want us to fight. Not like this, over the phone. I'm not delusional, just because you called, I know it doesn't mean we're okay, and everything suddenly magically alright."

Emily could hear the sincerity in his voice, glad to know he wasn't making excuses. Instead it seemed he put serious care and thought into this. For Grace and Jack's sake alone, she knew she couldn't simply write him off, they deserved to have their family.

"I get it, I don't want to fight either, this is all just really hard for me. I mean you just suddenly showed up on my front door without any warning. I need to know, what is it you want or expect from me?"

"I want to officially meet Grace, and for me and Jack to be a part of her life. Jack doesn't know about his little sister yet. Jess said she would stay for a bit to help me tell him when him and Dave return. But, I already know he's going to absolutely love her, he's always wanted to have a sibling."

She hated how cheery and nonchalant he seemed. It grated on her nerves, his behaviour bordering on his expectation that he had any right to see the child she raised all alone without him. The one he hadn't bothered to ever check up on before, not even in passing. And now he suddenly basically demanded the chance to fulfill the role he so easily shirked before.

The excitement and joy in his tone irked her. What gave him the right after all these years to finally show up and expect to just be granted access to her daughter like he had any right. Sure legally and biologically he might be considered Grace's father, but aside from her conception, he had, had no part in her life thus far.

And hated being reminded that Jack should have had half a decade of memories made with his little sister already. Emily had always known he was meant to be a big brother. She still remembered feeling her ovaries quiver watching how sweet, loving, and adorable Jack was with Henry.

Especially when Henry was too little to do the same things Jack could, the older boy always patiently accommodated his friend. Looking out for him and protecting him, just as he would have done for Grace had he been given the chance to know her sooner.

"Oh so now you want to be in her life. You've already missed so much, it's been over five years, why now? I always wanted you and Jack in her life she deserved to grow up with her father and big brother."

"Em, I know you're not going to want to believe me, but I....I.."

He couldn't stop the stutter or the sob that followed with his next words. "I didn't know about her. I'm an fucking idiot ok, I didn't read the letters you wrote. I couldn't bear to open them. They are sitting unopened in a box, in my closet, back in our house in Williamsburg."

Words she could barely process or pack, because it hurt too much knowing maybe he hadn't known. Emily could feel her anger deflate with his emotional display. She knew from the fact he didn't try to hide his tears, he was desperate, but ultimately genuine in his words.

A resulting sniffle on her end could be heard, followed by a slow and steady deep breath. Her voice still shook and sounded almost meek in comparison to what it had been.

"I want so badly to believe you, to take you at your word about this. But, I didn't just write letters, I called, text, and emailed, I tried. You had ample opportunity to find out the truth and come back. I don't know what to believe anymore."

He could hear the fight in her voice deflate, leaving her with vulnerability and devastation. Yet, he knew she was trying to muster the courage and strength to compartmentalize and keep her mask in place. He hated that he was no longer entitled to see the woman hiding behind the mask. That he lost that right when he left her.

"You know me Em. I'm still the same person, do you really think had I known I would have left her. You know how much I love Jack and being a father."

Emily felt the sting of his words, and her blood boiled. "Good to know she would have been enough to come back for, had you known."

The moment the words had left his mouth, he had known she was going to misread his statement. But, before he could clarify and allay her doubts, she had already responded, her vulnerabilities shining through.

He didn't know how he would address all her fears, especially since he had given them even more merit. She had been the one person who had shown up for him time and time again, always having his back, proving he wasn't alone. It was more than that though, it was the way she had always believed in him when he couldn't believe in himself.

Aaron knew she had her own issues of trust and self worth as long as he had known her. And that his actions, had probably only proven to her, on her own, she wasn't incentive enough for him to return for. And now he was staying out of a sense of responsibility for Grace.

"Emily, no it's not like that, please don't misinterpret my words. You were enough, you were always enough, I'm the one who wasn't good enough for you. I would have and should have come back for you, I made a huge mistake, and I know I'm too late, but I still want a chance to fix it."

He hadn't been there when she needed him most, he knew now she would always hesitate to trust him. That the niggling doubt he created would always live in the back of her mind coming out at the most inconvenient times. He didn't think she would never be able to wholeheartedly believe him again. It would make proving his love for her next to impossible now.

At this point, there was no doubting the emotion and tears straining both their voices. They were both hurting and desperate and hurt, just wanting what was best for their kids. Emily was the one who broke the short stalemate that settled over them. She tried her best to sound calm, collected, and in control.

"You understand I can't just let her meet you, if you're randomly going to leave again. Just like you have to protect Jack, she's my main responsibility. I won't let you hurt or disappoint my daughter. If this is some temporary thing, or a you and Jack visit once or twice a year situation, I can't involve her."

Aaron was frustrated, but he knew she was absolutely right. Putting his intentions out there couldn't simple allay her worries and fears. It would take time, she needed to see him show up for her and Grace from now on, especially when it mattered most. He just hoped he could be half the parent she turned out to be in his absence.

Seeing Grace the night before, the one thing that was blatantly obvious was the instinctual bond she shared with her mother. One built sheerly on unconditional and altruistic love for one another. They were each other's whole world, he just hoped himself and Jack could find their place with them without too many trials and tribulations.

He knew he had caused enough heartbreak with his absence, he couldn't afford hurting his family anymore with his presence. And while it probably wasn't worth much, he needed to Emily to know how proud and appreciative he was for everything she accomplished without him. The most important being voicing his awestruck wonder at her superlative parenting skills.

"Your absolutely right Emily, and I know you, I have no doubt you have done an amazing job raising her on your own. That precious little girl wants for nothing, I saw her, how happy she is just having her mom, and how much she loves you. I'm in this for the long haul, I don't want to hurt her, or you ever again."

53 seconds passed before she quietly spoke again. Her words and obvious uncertainty squeezing his already aching heart. "You really didn't know about her? Because, I swear I tried. I would have driven to see you if I'd known. But at the time, I couldn't handle the possibility of you rejecting me in person too."

Emily could hear the strongest man she had ever known sob on the other end of the phone. "I know you tried, and I was an asshole for not picking up the phone any of the times you called. But, I seriously didn't know honey, and I hate myself for it. I'd be happy to drive back to Williamsburg and get all those sealed letters to show you, if it would give you peace of mind, so you'll believe me."

Some small part of Emily wanted so badly to insist he do just that, but she knew it wouldn't change anything now. The hopeful words written by her past self, couldn't make up for all the lost time. Now they were simply a time capsule of her thoughts and feelings of the love they once shared.

If he hadn't read them before, she wasn't sure she wanted him to read them now. It would be cruel for him and humiliating for her, to have her private thoughts see the light of day, after everything that happened. Emily considered asking for them back unopened, not sure she was ready to share the vulnerabilities of that part of her life with him anymore.

That was a decision she would have to let herself sleep on. She didn't know if it would help or hurt more to let him read them now. To allow him to keep such intimate and vulnerable secrets in his possession. All her hopes and dreams for them that were never fulfilled. She wasn't sure she was ready to address that period of her life and the aftermath of Scratch.

For now she knew in the grand scheme of things, the contents of her letters should be the least of her worries. She wasn't that person anymore, and she refused to let herself get lost in her feelings of the past. Her daughter was her present and future and all that mattered to her right now.

"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now. But, I just, I need to know your intentions, before you meet her. I don't want to get her hopes up and disappoint her. It's not fair to her, because she dreamed of meeting you both her whole life. So if you don't plan on being a permanent figure in her life, I need to know now, before you see her."

"I won't abandon our daughter, I want to spend as much time with her as you are willing to allow. I want to be her dad and be a part of her life full-time. And I want her and Jack to have a friend and sibling for life. I want a chance to do right by you and our children."

"And I get it if you aren't comfortable leaving me alone with Grace for the time being. I won't argue if you need to be present for visits or have one of the team with us at all times. Until you're comfortable with other arrangements, I will concede control to you and play by whatever rules you see fit."

He briefly hesitated for a second before saying the rest, knowing it might overwhelm her. Or worse, she wouldn't believe the truth conveyed in what she saw as words filled with empty promises and niave hopes.

"I also want to see you too Emily, and repair what I broke. But, I understand if you're not ready for that, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I hope we can at least find a way to be on friendly terms and spend time with the four of us altogether like a family."

Emily wasn't ready to sort and hash out any notions of romantic feelings, not when she was filled with such turmoil. Whatever she did or did not feel for him anymore, had to be placed on the back burner. She couldn't let it be a priority, she needed to focus on Grace and Jack.

"I was never going to keep her from you and Jack, I want Grace to know her family. It would probably be beneficial to both kids, for the four of us to all hang out together sometimes. But, I don't want to confuse them, or give them false hope that you and I will be a couple again. We need to focus on the kids, that's what matters."

"And you're right, I'm not sure how I feel about her being left alone in your care for the foreseeable future. It's not that I don't trust you with her, but my heart and mind are both wary given your recent track record. I know it's not rational, but I need to protect my daughter and make sure she can adjust to this change first."

"So, until Gracie is settled and fully comfortable with you and Jack, I think it's best either myself, Jess, or one of the team accompanies you with her. I know it's not ideal, but she doesn't know you, even with everything I told her over the years, you both are essentially strangers to her. I just I need to protect her and put her needs first."

Aaron could hear the fight reignite in her words, not wanting her to get worked up. But he knew for all intents and purposes she was right, about everything. And she was entitled to feel however she needed to, without giving him rationale. He hated the obvious stress she was under from the turmoil he had put her in.

"Em you don't owe me an explanation, but your right. The kids need to be put first, especially Grace, because she's not old enough to understand everything. It's going to be an adjustment for everyone, but I'm willing to do whatever I need to, to make this work."

His words were a start, but ultimately did nothing to fully reassure her or address the extent of her concerns. She needed to know just how serious he was about this, how much of a commitment he was ready to make. What he was willing to sacrifice to show he meant all the things he said.

"In her phone call to me, Jess said she wasn't entirely sure about your living arrangements, or if you had any plans to actually move back. She just mentioned you guys were down for March Break. Hotch I know it's fast, but I need to know if you intended to stay living in Williamsburg or if you're considering the option of moving back to town."

She had every right to know these details, but at the moment everything was up in the air. It also wasn't a conversation he meant to have over the phone. He wanted to have a deeper discussion with her before he left, without the kids present to bear witness if things got ugly and messy. He hoped when they really talked, it could be an open and brutally honest dialogue, where they had a chance to get everything important off their chests.

He had no doubt it would be a convoluted maze full of unforeseen twist and turns. That he wouldn't like everything he uncovered, and most of it would likely only cause him undue pain and heartache. And that getting her to open up would be hard, because she no doubt changed the locks and set up barricades and walls to keep him out.

He was holding out hope that one day they would get there. Even if it took months, years, decades or the rest of his life. When it no longer caused her pain to hear his voice. When he could leave her, and she could finally believe him without question, that he would come back.

"Em, we should probably talk soon and in person. Now that I know about her, I'm not going anywhere. I mean yes, I will have to go back to Williamsburg by to pack our things and sort a few things out. But, we are moving back, once I tell Jack about Grace, I know he will understand and agree. He's been begging me for years to visit everyone."

"Ideally I want us to move back tomorrow, but logically it probably makes more sense to wait until the summer. So Jack can finish out his school year without disruption, and so I have time to find a place for us to live. Worst case, I'm sure we can impose on Dave and stay with him when schools out until we can get settled back here."

He hated thinking about all the days inbetween he would miss until they were all living in the same city. But he planned to arrange scheduled phone calls/Skyping for every night and morning he could to fill the gaps in the interim.

"Until then, we can come up every weekend, and video chat on weekdays. We are only 2.5 hours away by car. It's not a perfect solution, but I'm willing to put whatever time and effort I can. If we leave every Friday when Jack gets out of school we can be here in time for dinner. And I don't care how early I need to get up and leave on Mondays to get Jack back in time for school. He can always sleep in the car, if it will give me a few extra hours to spend with you guys, it will be worth it."

Being the boss gave her control over her schedule, and she kept on top of her paperwork after Grace went to bed. Since she cut back on her role travelling with the team, she typically had Saturdays and Sundays off.

It would cut into her time with Grace, the weekends were usually spent having mother daughter time. Some days they would lounge around cuddling all day in their pajamas, building forts, having tea parties, watching movies, and playing games.

But, it made her pulse race hearing how passionately and enthusiastically he spoke about making time for them in his life. That he actually wanted to spend every second feasible with them. Weekends would be a good trial period until a more permanent arrangement could be made.

"It's ok if you stay here if you need to. I know Jess mentioned letting you guys stay in the guest house at my place. I'm not opposed to using that as a temporary solution for you and Jack, so you can be close by for Grace. It's not as big as Dave's mansion by any means, but it has two bedrooms, a bathroom, and kitchenette."

"We would love that, but I don't want you to feel obligated or uncomfortable. It's your home and I appreciate the offer, but we should put a pin on that idea until everyone is more settled and had a chance to meet."

In reality, he wanted nothing more than to take her up on her offer, anything that would allow him to be near his girls and see them as often as possible. But, he was trying to put her at ease, taking her feelings into account, making sure she knew he was going slow and steady for her sake.

She internally winced, feeling stupid for putting the offer out there. "You're right, we shouldn't rush anything. I know I myself probably will need some time to adjust to everything. I uh, took the week off to spend time with Grace, so we can make plans if you guys have some time in your schedule for the week."

"I'm sure I can speak for us both, we would love to spend is much time with you and Grace as we possibly can. I'm beyond excited to get to know her and I know Jack will be too, once I tell him."

"You can officially meet her tomorrow if you guys want. But, if Jack needs time to adjust, I won't force her on him. I refuse to let her be a pawn and get hurt if I can help it. Not that I think Jack would ever intentionally hurt his little sister, but he might need time to wrap his head around things."

Aaron knew Emily adored his son, and wasn't in anyway trying to offend him. "You're absolutely right Emily, thank you for always taking his feelings into account. I'll talk to him when he gets back from breakfast with Dave. If he's amendable to the idea, we are game for whatever my girls would like to do."

Their conversation was going so well, but he knew from her sharp intake of breath, she heard his possessive slip of tongue, and it wasn't going to go over well with her.

"I'll let you slide on that hiccup, because you promised not to push me on the topic of us. Please try to refrain from referring to me as yours in any way, especially infront of the kids."

In his mind and heart, she never stopped being his. Aaron couldn't help himself, but to keep the peace he immediately apologized, trying to smooth her ruffled feathers.

"Emily, I'm sorry, I just felt familiar and at ease with you, like before. I'll do my best make sure it doesn't happen again. Just know you have my whole heart, there hasn't been anyone else, and there won't be."

He couldn't stop himself for including that last bit, knowing it needed to be said. He had to at least try to show her his true intentions, so she knew with certainty nothing had changed for him. He wasn't trying to push, he just needed to make it clear where he stood.

"Aaron, I don't think you can't fix what you broke. I'm really not sure if we can ever get back to that place, or if I can ever risk my heart on you again. Not that I'm sure you ever gave my heart back when you left. So, please don't make this harder for me."

Hearing her say his name again should have made him overjoyed. But, Aaron could hear her quietly, almost silently sobbing, trying to muffle her tears. He was about to try to comfort her, when he heard the sweet, angelic voice that haunted his dreams the night before ring out in the background.

"Mommy why are you crying? Who is on the phone? Did some big meanie hurt your feelings? Do you need a hug mommy? I don't want you to be sad. "

Emily set the phone down, knowing he could wait. She discreetly wiped what tears she could before facing her daughter. She opened up her arms and Grace jumped into them with practised ease. Yet her grip tightened feeling something off about her mom's demeanor, holding on to her for dear life hoping she was ok.

"Hey baby it's ok sweetie. Mommy's fine, nothing's wrong, I promise. Can you please go back to the living room and pick out a movie to watch. Mommy is going to finish her conversation, and I'll come find you in 10 minutes. And then we can both wash our hands together and bake some cookies."

Emily had known the mention of a movie and baking, would work to immediately distract her little girl. Just like her mama, she had a sweet tooth and a love of all things homemade. Grace cheered, nuzzling her mother's cheek.

"Ok mommy, but we hafta make lots so we can share with Aunt Jessie when she gets back. She deserves a treat too."

Emily chuckled, knowing while Grace would no doubt save some for her aunt, but she would also con said woman into sharing her portion with her. Emily planned to hide some, and make some of Jack's favourite peanut butter cookies while she was at it.

"Sure baby, sounds good, we will make lots. If you want to be a big help you can grab the recipe book and the big bowl out of the cupboard."

Emily could feel her daughter wiggling about in anticipation of endless warm, sweet treats. She carefully set the little girl down knowing she'd immediately run off to prepare, just as her mother asked.

She didn't expect her daughter to stop at the doorway of her office and turn back. But it warmed her heart hearing her daughter's "Ok mommy, but hurry please, I missed you."

Emily could stop herself from walking towards the light of her life and kissing her forehead. She knew she was beyond lucky to have the most empathetic little girl on the planet. "I'll be speedy monkey, you better go get those things ready, I promise, I'll be there before you know it."

Emily waited before she could no longer hear Grace's little foot steps race to complete her tasks. Emily cautiously picked up the phone, feeling both awkward and relieved from Grace's interruption. Her daughter had given her the perfect out to wrap up their sensitive discussion to be had at a later date.

"Well you heard the boss. I have to go. But, if you want we can meet at the park tomorrow for a picnic. And maybe dinner and movie after, depending how things go. I mean as long as you don't have any other plans."

Aaron cleared his throat, having been distracted and lost in thought hearing his sweet little girl interact with her mother. It took him a second to realise Emily was now talking to him.

"No. Sorry I mean we have no plans. That sounds perfect. Do you need me and Jack to pick up any food or bring anything?"

Emily considered accepting his offer, but she knew she had everything they needed for a picnic in her kitchen.

"Well I know what Grace likes. And I used to know what you and Jack like, unless things have changed." She paused, knowing she had already made it awkward.

"No, Nothings changed Em." He paused briefly, hoping she picked up on the deeper meaning. "We will happily consume whatever you bring. Just if you think of anything you need from me, please text me, it's no bother."

"Ok. Can you maybe let me know later how things go with Jack. I don't want to put Jess in an uncomfortable position. I know she's nervous enough about seeing him."

"I can definitely do that Emily. You better go, before you keep our little princess waiting too long. I promise I'll call later. Well I'll shoot you a text first in case your busy but I swear I'll call."

"Okay, I'll hold you to that then."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon Em."

"Bye for now then I guess."

"Bye." He so badly wanted to add I love you with his farewell, but knew that wouldn't go over well. It was both much too soon and too late for such declarations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#criminal minds #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #random edits #hotchniss #empathy #soulmates #twinflame #true love #jessica brooks #jack hotchner

[insomanic-fanfication]

Wanting to be honest

Under this line, I'm talking about an in-depth problem I have, maybe in hopes of people feeling like they aren't alone or to remind me that I'm not alone in this struggle. Especially since I always try to find support groups or someone to talk about them with. They are FOR the Eating disorder instead of trying to help.

If you are not ready to have this conversation with yourself or are not in the right headspace for this topic, Just enjoy the Cat gif and move on with your day. This also includes my mutuals; just because you love reading my post doesn't mean you have to read this one. I will not be mad over upset if you skip this one.

I want you all to know that you are all loved and deserve a great day.

CW: Child neglect, Growing up poor, Growing up in a hoarder's home, Old America parenting, Religious abuse, Generational trauma, Eating Disorders, Child Abuse, late diagnosed Autism, C-PTSD, Depression. At this point, it's labeled as Dead Dove Do Not Eat- IRL. I despise sugarcoating things, so here is me telling my story without having my coward of a family shaming me for making them look bad. Just because some of them have changed does not magically fix the pain I suffered and still heal.

We'll take mental breaks at multiple points within this post and give you links to Emergency numbers.

The first one:

Section One: Before I was born

In a small town in Texas, USA. My Mom (age 16) was dating a man (age 18) and got pregnant due to a lack of sex education. Upon finding this out, my Mom's parents (Stepfather and Mother) forced her to have me and marry that man. So she and the child (me) wouldn't go to hell (Be the talk of the Church).

Throughout her pregnancy, the man we'll call SD (Sperm donor) locked my mother in their bedroom closet, only allowing her to eat bread and water. As well as rape and abuse her. Her parents (My grandparents) knew this was happening and did nothing because "it's not rape if you're dating or married." At some point during her pregnancy, my mother was pushed down a flight of stairs by SD.

The day I was born, I wasn't the only one. I had a stillborn twin; she was fully formed. Meaning, for a good while, I was holding hands and sharing womb space with a corpse.

Section Two: After I was born

Once I was born. My mom's parents never taught her how to raise me; instead, when something needed to be done, they grabbed me and shamed my mom for not knowing how to be a good mother. Basically, using me as their version of baby-trapping my mother to stay in contact with them. So they could have free labor to be as lazy as they pleased and have their own maid to keep their house clean.

I have no idea when these things happened, so I will mention them in this paragraph. SD sexually assaulted me while changing my diaper; Mom and he divorced, and my mom was kicked out of their apartment. Cutting to the only necessary information from up until age 12, I was being bounced around different family homes; while I lived with my grandparents, I could only really eat a few things; most of the time, they were either moldy or expired. Also, I was beaten and screamed at with a belt when I misbehaved, most days hearing them screaming and hitting each other. I also would be forced to sleep on a pissed and shit-on mattress, sometimes while it was still wet. Had to climb over piles of trash and junk that my mammaw hoarded. Along with being forced to clean the whole house by age 4. Doing the clothes and dishes, cooking, taking care of the animals, getting my grandpa ready, and waking up at 02:00 (Yes, even on school nights) to make lunches for my grandpaw.

While I lived at my Nanny's (Great Grandmaw), I did have great food and a living area. However, all I was used for by her was a grieving process; I was the replacement for her husband dying.

While living with my mom and who she was dating then (My 1st Step parent before she transitioned), she tried her best to be at least somewhat of a stable human being and mother. However, she could never afford therapy and couldn't entirely cut contact with her parents.

When she was married to my 2nd Step parent, my Step Dad, they had my living brother when I was in 2nd grade. All throughout my childhood, after that, my little brother came first, and what was left went to me.

Though during my childhood, I was constantly yelled at when I acted like a child and was called a selfish brat by many family members when my 5-year-old wanted attention. Because I didn't fucking know anything about ALS or death. I just knew my Papaw, an Airforce pilot, wasn't feeling okay. Until then, my lil brain had only seen him cry when I told him, "Welcome Home!" and honestly believed nothing could kill him.

Mental Health Break! ----

The context is done, So I will be talking about my Eating disorder and current eating problems. You can choose to click off now or continue reading when you are done with the video.

Now, the present problem I'm dealing with is trauma around food in general, but also possibly a binge eating disorder.

The cycle starts with eating a normal amount, then slowly eating less and less due to something wrong happening in the household. My mom screaming about something she couldn't find or the kitchen not being clean. Then, I start becoming replused by everything in the kitchen. Only seeing expired food. So I spent more and more time in my room. Until I realize I haven't eaten in 3 days.

I have a panic attack, thinking I will die, then eat. Then, I can't stop eating; I feel guilty if food is left on my plate because I feel like I'm being ungrateful for not eating everything. My brain refuses me to turn down the food people offer me. This will go on, until I vomit because my body can't handle everything, then I start eating again, Right after.

Then, I'll panic about becoming obese (my grandparents were), then the cycle repeats itself..

is there a happy end to this? No, the only good thing, is that we live in AZ now, and my grandparents have no way of talking to me.

#Youtube #eating disoder recovery #ed vent #truama dumping #Dead Dove Do Not Eat - IRL #Dead dove do no eat #childhood truama

[therehavebeenstranger]

Okay! @stankhead just tagged me in their brand new tag game about our top artistic influences. I really really love this and am honestly very grateful to grem for giving me a little opportunity to be reflective about this right now; for context, i am about two weeks out from graduating with an MFA in creative writing (fiction track) from [redacted prominent midwestern university w decently-renowned 40 yr old mfa which has been attacked in recent years by humanities-hating admin, there you go, now everybody who follows the chronicle of higher ed can probably dox my ass] and so it’s nice, at this transition moment, to take a step back and think about the influences that have shaped my writing on a global level. I think it’s super useful and i’m typing this in a word doc so i can hang onto it for later. Okay enough chit chat. I’m gunna try to limit this to no more than like 4 or 5

Carmen Maria Machado—CMM is one of my biggest, most direct, and most obvious influences. She came to my college campus to lead a workshop and give a reading in the months leading up to the publication of her body and other parties. I was a sophomore (or maybe this was late freshman year?????) and encountering her work totally and completely shifted what i write and how i write. Complete reframe on what speculative fiction was and what it could do. HBaOP went on to have a big impact on me (esp. formally weird stories like Especially Heinous) but at the moment i was obsessed with her stories the husband stitch and my body, herself

Peak Cracked Dot Com—but especially everything DOB touched when he was there! I was a regular cracked reader from the age of 11 to the exact day that all those layoffs happened, and by regular i mean that every day i had access to the internet i read/watched/listened every piece of new content they published, whether or not i gave a shit about the subject matter. Cracked’s influence on me is less easy to tangibly track than CMM, but i literally boiled my forming brain in that site and i think the style permeates me work. Cracked had this strand of pedantry that necessitated dwelling with strange research and subject matter and letting things sort of spiral and cook and letting the obsession change the voice. (also, subject matter—this article inspired an obsession w Dorothy Arnold which became a story that will be published later this year.) It had a huge impact on my sense of humor and the way i approach dialogue, even when i’m not conscious of that. For dialogue i am especially thinking of video content like after hours and agents of cracked (the way the “swaim proving that that guy fu-u-u-cks goats” monologue hits in this ep *changed me forever). In general, i think my approach to narrative voice was really impacted by the fact that i spend my adolescence reading DOB’s old “my brief time as (blank)” articles and shit like “yer gramma was built like a brick shit-house in her day”

*if you click that link fair warning that the video is from like 2010 and def has some stuff that makes me uncomfortable in hindsight, including at least one use of the r word

The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy—man. This is one of the great novels of all time, isn’t it???? i was assigned it in ib english senior year of high school and i’ve tried to read it at least once a year since. Pieces of the language regularly float back to me—“a viable, dieable age” “a sariflapping” “the time was ten to two” “the history woman in the history house.” Roy does things with language that i didn’t know you could do—makes paragraphs which are so thick and lush that they feel humid and green. Sticks words together to make new and better ones. Talks frankly about the story being told by the story. Like, that’s one of the things that’s so brilliant, right? From go, you know that sophie mol and velutha will die. The question is not what will happen in the story but how the story will be told and how it will mean to us. The language bears that out. It has totally suffused in my brain, it’s a lens through which i read everything. Also i think it’s about time for my annual reread of this book, ha.

What the moon brought by Sadie rose weilerstein—see, this is why i love this tag. I would not have pegged this book as an influence before being tasked w this reflexive task, but it looms large in my mind!!! My copy of this book—a collection of stories about sisters Ruth and Debbie as they go through their jewish year in the american suburbs, living their lives and observing jewish holy days—was ancient, falling apart; it had been purchased for my mother and her siblings in the early 60s. i was obsessed with it. it was the first book i read which treated Judaism as a fact of american life, if that made sense? Or the first book where i was conscious of Judaism as a force shaping story, time, etc. i mean it’s literally about what the moon brought; a recognition of the lunar jewish calendar. A different kind of time keeping. It told me that jewish stories were and are interesting, singular, rich, and worth pursuing. including a picture of the cover bc i love the cover :)

The fourth state of matter by jo ann beard—this essay is amazing, not that i am the first to say so. It’s worth reading, though i’ll warn that its content (it’s about a shooting that happened on a college campus) can obviously be tough to deal with. This has a very direct impact in my mind. My first creative writing prof ever used this essay to teach us about psychic distance, and learning about psychic distance was like—not like getting a new tool in my little writer’s toolkit, but like having the key that unlocked the kit in the first place.

There’s more, of course there’s more, but this is a thousand words so i’ll call it here. again, thank u gremlin for coming up with this tag it’s lovely and so useful. i'll tag @pintobordeaux and @januariat but i really genuinely encourage anybody who sees this post to do this kind of accounting. it's really useful and illuminating :)

#hey i feel like i act like im a thousand years old in this post #im litarally 26 im just weird #honorable mentions: atla the lover by duras ezra furman #also the work of brian friel especially translations #and enda walsh especially the walworth farce