#she literally went back in time for 12 years straight repeating the same month for a girl she barely knew

[valerielxve]

#she literally went back in time for 12 years straight repeating the same month for a girl she barely knew #and they say romance is dead #homura #madoks #madoks x homura #madohomu #madoks magica #they make me sick #puella magi madoka magica

[arrowsandbats]

Tim’s Complicated School History

So I’ve noticed there seems to be a fair bit of confusion on where Tim went to high school, whether he dropped out or not, if he went to private or public school, etc., so I thought I’d create a general chronology of (Pre-Flashpoint) Tim’s tumultuous high school career. The confusion about this is deserved, as Tim has literally gone to no less than FIVE high schools and also homeschooled for a bit, so it’s a LOT to keep track of. Tim has attended both private schools and public schools, and has gone to school in Gotham and Bludhaven (and almost Keystone!), ultimately ending his school days when he dropped out of Gotham City High School during his senior year to go search for Bruce after the events of Final Crisis.

Here’s the breakdown:

Pre-High School: Tim attended private boarding schools until he was about 13-14 years old. To my knowledge these schools are never specifically named, but 13-yr-old Tim mentions in Batman #441 that he attends a boarding school just outside Gotham. In Robin III #4 Tim angrily tells his dad that him and Janet “shipped [Tim] from one boarding school to another and nobody paid any attention as long as [his] grades stayed high.” This seems to imply that Tim attended a number of different boarding schools, when there’s really no reason for him to have attended more than two (an elementary and middle school), and even then a number of private boarding schools are actually K-8 (if not K-12) so I don’t know why he attended so many schools?? Nevertheless, from K-8 Tim attended private boarding schools, primarily in the Gotham area presumably.

Tim was probably still in middle school in his earliest appearances (Batman: A Lonely Place of Dying, Batman: Rite of Passage, etc), but he starts high school right around the time he finishes his Robin training (around the time of the first  Robin miniseries).

High School #1---Gotham Heights High School: The first reference to Tim being in high school comes from the 1991 Robin II miniseries. Tim has recently started at Gotham Heights High School as a ninth grader. This comic takes place after Tim’s parents were kidnapped and poisoned, and so while Jack is in the hospital Bruce is acting as a guardian of sorts for Tim. It’s at Gotham Heights that Tim befriends Sebastian Ives, as well as his friends Hudson and Callie Evans. When Ives asks Tim about the fact that he seems too rich for public school, Tim explains that he used to go to private school but that Bruce had him transferred into public school because he thought it would be “more broadening.” Even after Jack gets out of the hospital he allows Tim to stay at Gotham Heights HS, although Jack clearly has a low opinion of public schools. Tim presumably started at Gotham Heights HS at the beginning of the ninth grade and attended for about a year and a half.

Interlude---Keystone: After the events of Cataclysm, Tim’s family moves to Keystone to avoid the chaos going on in Gotham. (They only end up staying a few weeks at the most, but they moved with the intention of living there permanently, meaning that Tim was transferred out of Gotham Heights HS.) In Robin #63 Jack mentions trying to get Tim into Keystone Academy, but that it’s tough in the middle of the school year and that he was working on getting him a tutor in the interim. Tim was supposed to meet his new tutor the same day that he went back to Gotham to be with Steph while she had her baby. He left without telling his dad, and so Jack and Dana come back to Gotham to get him and they all decide to stay in Gotham after all. It’s unclear if Tim returns to Gotham Heights HS briefly or if he just doesn’t return to school until he’s enrolled at Brentwood.

High School #2---Brentwood Academy: After the events of No Man’s Land, Tim is enrolled in Brentwood Academy, a boarding school in Bristol Township (a wealthy suburb directly to the north of Gotham, where the Drakes and the Waynes both live). After missing so much school, Jack forces Tim to go to a boarding school so that his grades will hopefully come up. (I think the reasoning here is that if Tim lives at school then he’ll have no good excuse for missing class?) In Robin #75 Tim refers to himself as a “new sophomore,” and he transferred to the school some time after sophomore year started (almost definitely after winter break, but I can’t find an issue that confirms this?) but before spring break. Tim’s main friends at Brentwood are his first roommate Ali, his second roommate Wesley, and his classmates Buzz, Kip, and Danny. Tim isn’t at Brentwood for very long though. After only a few months (maybe even less) of Tim being at Brentwood, Jack finds out he’s lost a good portion of the Drake family fortune in bad investments. He’s forced to withdraw Tim from school as he can’t afford the tuition anymore, and the Drakes sell their home in Bristol Township and move into their townhouse in inner-city Gotham.

Interlude---Rest of Sophomore Year: When Tim left Brentwood it was rather late in the year, and it was apparently too late to re-enroll him in public school, so he took the rest of the school year off. That summer he has to take a placement test that will keep him from having to repeat the 10th grade. He passes, so when he re-enters public school he does so as a junior.

High School #3---Louis E. Grieve Memorial High School: Tim starts his junior year at Louis E. Grieve Memorial HS, where he quickly befriends Bernard Dowd and Darla Aquista. He doesn’t attend school here very long, probably for about 3-4 months (he’s only been at Grieve Memorial HS for a few weeks when he’s forced to quit being Robin, Steph takes over for about 2 months, and then it’s only another couple weeks until the events of War Games). During War Games, Tim’s friend Darla is targeted by several mobs (because her father is an Italian mob boss) and mobsters take over his school and end up killing several students, Darla included. Darla’s funeral is one of three that Tim has to attend in as many days, his dad being killed during Identity Crisis and Steph “dying” at the end of War Games.

High School #4---John Wayne High School, Bludhaven: After War Games and Identity Crisis, Tim moves to Bludhaven to try for a fresh start. He picked Bludhaven specifically for an in-patient facility that will help his stepmom, Dana, process her grief over Jack’s death. Tim moves to be close to her and starts attending John Wayne High School. He probably only attends for about two weeks though, before he has his (fake) Uncle Eddie withdraw him from the school to start homeschooling. Tim withdraws with the intention of homeschooling until he can test out of school early. But it isn’t long (maybe another month or so) until Infinite Crisis, and then Tim and Dick go on a nearly year-long training journey with Bruce.

Interlude---OYL: During the missing year* between Infinite Crisis and One Year Later, Tim isn’t in school at all, as he and Dick and Bruce are travelling the world and training. 

(*Also, with the nightmare that is comics continuity and the passage of time, Tim really couldn’t have been gone for more than like,,,,6-8 months, as it was late winter/early spring when Infinite Crisis happened---at least according to the Robin series---and it’s summer when he returns to Gotham. He’s still 17 early in the Red Robin series so it couldn’t have been a year and a half that he was gone, therefore he could only have been gone for like half a year.)

High School #5---Gotham City High School: After the OYL time jump, Tim starts attending Gotham City High School. He starts during the “summer session” (presumably to make up for the semester he missed during OYL?) before his senior year. His main friends here are Zoanne Wilkins (who he starts dating), Jared Walton, Craig Pulaski, and then both Ives and Steph transfer to GCHS during Tim’s senior year (altho Steph is usually a year older than Tim in Pre-52 canon, so it really makes no sense for her to be there??). This is the high school Tim is attending when he drops out of school in his senior year to travel the world looking for Bruce. In Red Robin #17, Tim and Ives meet for lunch (after Bruce has returned and Tim has moved back to Gotham) and Ives mentions Tim not finishing senior year. Tim asks Ives how senior year is going---implying that the events of the first arc of Red Robin only take a few months---and catches up on how Ives and Zoanne are doing.

Some general Tim school stuff: Tim is a very smart kid, but not a very good student. In the Robin III miniseries both Jack and Tim’s school counselor make reference to the fact that before high school Tim had always been a straight A student, but that his grades and attendance have slipped considerably. He is routinely too tired to pay attention in class, he’s constantly missing weeks of school, he fails to complete homework assignments bc of Robin missions, etc. Several times he even references in his inner monologue that he thinks he might fail a specific class. And honestly, Tim just doesn’t care about school. He often makes irritable inner-monologue comments about preferring practical application over learning things in a school setting, he tries to get himself out of school permanently when he lives in Bludhaven, etc. That being said, he’s never been noted to actually fail a class and even with all the school he’s missed he’s never had to be held back, so presumably he’s still earning like Cs in most classes.

#tim drake #timothy drake #robin #batfam #meta #dc comics #our posts #i hope this is useful #i plan on making more of them at some point

[greatfay]

since ur answering asks and shit can u explain what u meant by generational differences in communication

Damn it’s like 2015 tumblr when my inbox used to be WET. So if you’re talking about the controversial opinions post, YES, like I totally understand where people are coming from when they say that generational divides aren’t real (because they aren’t, they’re arbitrary) and distract us from real problems and yes they paint past generations as collectively bigoted when Civil Rights protestors in the 60s (who are in their 70s and 80s now) are mirrors to BLM protestors today, who could be of any age, but the most vocal and famous (at least online, especially irt to the founders, like Patrisse Cullors who is 37.

But how we communicate is sooooo different. I really point to the Internet and Social Media as a major influence in how younger millennials (more Tom Hollands and less Seth Rogans—see even there, I feel like there are two different types of Millennials) and Gen Zrs/Zoomers and even Generation Alpha behave and communicate. We live in a world where we grew up either knowing right out the gate or discovering the hard way that what we say and do has permanence, the kind of permanence that prior generations have never experienced until today. The dumb things kids have been saying since forever can now follow them... forever. We have an inherent understanding of how online spaces work. Compare that to, idk, let’s say you posted on your Facebook (for the first time in 18 months) “All these big and bad grown ass Senators going after actual child Greta Gerwig lol ok, you’re so brave for attacking a CHILD over climate change” and then your aunt, who’s turning “forty-fifteen” in May replies to your post with “So happy to see my passionate niece! Much love from us, hope you’re doing well. Paul is doing great, waiting on his screening results. Tell your mom I said we miss her, we need to get together, we forgive her for last Christmas.”

Like... ok there’s a lot going on there, but your hypothetical aunt is oversharing on a publicly accessible post. And even with the most strict of privacy settings, she’s oversharing where your other Facebook friends (which may include classmates, coworkers, etc.) can see. But she’s saying things that would only be appropriate in a 1-on-1 conversation. This Aunt doesn’t have an understanding of such boundaries, she’s not as technologically literate and hasn’t grown up in a world of Virtual Space, she still gets most of her news from TV, she trusts what a reporter on Channel 4 will read off a script more than what actual video footage of an incident might reveal on Twitter, and she has no clue that she’s been sharing her location data with every post she makes.

There’s such a huge difference. I think it even affects how we experience and express stress and frustration. I think growing up partially in online spaces has made me more accustomed to conflict and consequence-free arguing than someone who never had to worry about that. I’ve been exposed so much to harassment and bullying, triangulating and echo chambers in forums and threads, and vastly opposing point of views at such an early age that it’s had an effect on how I see the world. Compare this to a customer I helped two weeks ago who was looking for a specific type of supplement for children. I found it for her, I handed her exactly what she was looking for, even though her description of the product actually matched several different products; to make sure I’d done my job thoroughly and that she leaves happy and satisfied and doesn’t bother me again, I then show her more products that match her description so that she knows she has options. And she proceeds to freak out, saying “NO, NO, I’M LOOKING FOR [X] AND IT HAS TO BE [XYZ]” and when I say freak out, she looked stressed and PANICKED. And being a retail employee wears you down bit by bit, and add COVID on top of it and little shit like this makes you snap, sometimes. So I have to cut her off like “Why are you screaming and freaking out, jfc you’re holding what you said you wanted. It’s in your hands. I gave you what you wanted, I’m just showing you more things.”

That customer is not an exception, she’s not a unique case. She’s representative of a frightening percentage of her generation, the kids who watched Grease and The Breakfast Club and Ghost in theaters when they were originally released. This is how they communicate and process information. She could not, for some reason, register that her need had been fulfilled, and defaulted to an extreme emotional response when given new and different information.

I’ve yet to deal with someone younger than 35 act the same way, the exceptions being the kids of very wealthy people at my new job who reek of privilege I gag when they walk in—but even they are like *shrugs* “ok whatever” and understanding when there’s something I can’t do for them.

Me: “sorry, we are totally out of that one in your size, but I can order it for you, it’s 2-3 day shipping at no cost to you and we ship it straight to your house”

A rich, white, attractive 22-year-old who’s had access to organic food, a rigorous dermatologist, and financial security since she was born: “mmm... sure, I’ll order it”

A 47-year-old of any socioeconomic background, of any race, in the same situation: “AHHHHHHHHHHH”

I just think it’s crazy how three generations of kids and young adults raised in a world where everything moves so much faster, where knowledge and entertainment and communication can be gathered so much faster, are often so much more polite and patient and understanding. Yesterday I told an older man (mid-50s) whose native tongue is the same as mine, as clearly and succinct as possible, that what he’s looking for is “in aisle 4.” He proceeded to repeat back, “Aisle 7?” four time before I dropped everything to show him what he needed in aisle 4, despite his insistence that he didn’t need me to walk him there. 4 and 7 sound nothing alike in English. There’s just something going on up there 🧠 that’s different.

Oh, other generational divides!!! We have different approaches to labor and working. Totally different! I’m a “young” millennial where I’m almost Gen Z, and I’ve noticed an awful trend among my demographic where people actually brag about working 90 hour work weeks. Or brag about how they skip breaks and live on-call to get the job done for “the hustle” like this “hustle, become a millionaire by 30″ culture that’s dominated these kids, idk where tf that came from. Like why are you proud of being a wage slave, getting taken advantage of by your millionaire/billionaire overlords. Compare this to my mother’s generation (she’s a borderline Genius X’er, she and her best friend were a year too young to watch Grease when it came out and had a random older woman buy tickets for her; she went to Prince concerts, took photos of him, then sold the photos on buttons at school, that’s her culture and teenage experience), where she’s insistent on her rights and entitlements as an employee, and these things she instilled me: “whatchu mean they didn’t schedule a break for you and you’re working 12 hrs today? oh no, you’re off, don’t answer your phone cuz you are NOT available!” There are Gen X’ers who entered the workforce at a time that America was drifting toward this corporate world, with more strictly defined regulations, roles, and understandings of labor rights (and also, let’s talk about how the 80s there was so much more attention on workplace harassment, misogyny and gender divides in wage gaps, etc. etc... not that much has changed, but at least it was talked about!). There are young people today who are taken advantage of because they aren’t as informed or don’t feel as secure and valuable enough to claim what belongs to them.

At the same time, those generations (Gen X and older) have a different viewpoint of hierarchies in the workplace and respect irt our direct supervisors. That’s how you get this blurring of boundaries between Work Life and one’s Personal Life that leads to common tropes in media written by their generations, where oh no! I’m having my boss over for dinner and the roast beef is still defrosting :O is such a “relatable thing” for them... meanwhile us younger generations are like I don’t even like that you know where I live, and if I see your 2017 Honda Civic pass my place one day, we’re going to have a problem. I think older generations have a different relationship with the word “Respect” than we do. Like, my grandma, who’s turning 87 (?) this year, and the other seniors in my area, they have a different concept of honor and an expectation of professional boundaries that I, and my mom and her generation, just don’t see (so then there’s something in common with Gen X’ers and the rest of us.) My dad grew up in a world where talking and acting like George Bailey and knocking on someone’s door with a big smile could get you a job, a job that could pay for college and rent no problem. My mom grew up in a world that demanded more prestige, where cover letters and references could get you into some cushy jobs if you’re persistent and ballsy enough. And I grew up in a world where potential employers literally don’t see your face when you apply unless they lurk on any social media profiles you have publicly available and they hold all the cards, and you need all those CVs and reference letters just to make minimum wage... so I feel like I am powerless in the face of such employers.

[bashlandrya]

sebastian ‘bash’ landry: an updated intro !

since it has been literally like 9 months since i posted his most recent intro, here is a new updated one for anyone who has not kept up with bash’s crazy dumb life. yeet

tw drugs, alcoholism, death, violence, jail, dumbassery

let me say first he’s honestly the worst, he's nice and friendly almost to an annoying extent and it will absolutely be genuine most of the time but at times he only is because he will gain something from it. he lies a shitload but can also be extremely blunt. he’s arrogant and has way too much confidence but deep down probably hates himself. he’s selfish, he’s impulsive and he might punch you if you step on his toes at a bad time. he will make elaborate excuses instead of admitting he did something wrong but has still been in jail a few times because he said ‘yeah i did it lol’ (usually when caught red handed). he also drinks way too much but denies alcoholism and he’s barely changed mentally in over a decade. it is honestly a miracle he’s not dead. ok thanks for coming to my ted trash bash talk. i love this man.

basics

name: sebastian damien landry

nicknames: bash (almost always), seb (but rarely), idiot (regularly)

birthday/age: march 22d, 1991 / thirty

gender/pronouns: cis-male / he, him

sexuality: sadly still a heterosexual

zodiacs: aries ☉ ; gemini ☽ ; sagittarius 🡕 

occupation: drug dealer (mostly weed, some cocaine and psychadelics).

hobbies: all types of adventures, his motorcycle, drinking, video games, music (he plays drums and does back up vocals in a not very serious local punk/rock/metal mostly cover band - more info here).

neighbourhood: downtown (apartment tour here)

length of time in crescent harbour: since summer 2009 (12 years)

place of birth: new orleans, louisiana (yes boi has a bit of an accent)

height: 6′5″ (195cm)

moral alignment: chaotic neutral.

positive traits: adventurous, kind-hearted, fun-loving, witty, spontaneous, humorous, clever, generous, protective, sweet and caring.

negative traits: troublesome, sarcastic, deceitful, somewhat arrogant, temperamental, impulsive, rebellious, loud, blunt, dishonest, sometimes aggressive and a bit selfish

tattoos: a seven of spades on his left pec (x). an arrow on his left outer forearm (x). the moon cycle on the right side of his torso (x). geometric tattoo on his right outer forearm (x). a wolf on his left shin (x). aries-inspired ram skull on his upper back (x). a fleur de lis on his left upper arm (x). a sloppy drunk tattoo his friend gave him a year after his mother’s death, on his right knee that just says ‘mom’.

scent: cigarette smoke, liquor, citrus, cologne.

background

Grew up just outside of New Orleans with his parents and six siblings, he’s the third (black sheep but they all love him anyway<3). His mother died suddenly when he was 18 years old and the family moved to Crescent Harbor where he repeated his Senior year in High School. 

He started getting into more trouble, arrested several times and graduated High School behind bars and then..... Continued reckless, bad behavior for the next 12 years anyway.

To some peoples’ surprise he went to College and actually has a Bachelors in Humanities. He’s dumb but not dumb.

Slept around a lot in his teens up until his first year of College when he got chlamydia and got more careful. 

Started dating the Blackwood cousin Jamie when he was 21 and they were on and off for four years, Bash going in and out of jail, until she finally left him in 2016 and moved to New York. 

Bash set out to change but didn’t succeed and kept living like he always had; going to jail a couple of times, sleeping around somewhat but with protection and disappearing out of town for weeks at a time. He once ended up staying on an island for two weeks because he got super drunk and hopped on the ferry and had no money to get back — and of course he left his phone on the mainland.

In July 2020 he reconnected with LiIy Whittaker, an old High School friend-ish. They ended up hooking up on a boat (that Bash, unknown to Lily, had stolen borrowed from her dad). 

They kept hooking up throughout the fall and in October Bash realized he had caught feelings for her and decided to tell her, only he was arrested moments after for 2d degree theft (class c felony) for stealing jewelry from the Whittaker household. He spent two weeks in jail, and found out Ian Whittaker had likely framed him, before Lily helped his sisters bail him out. 

He was proven innocent and not guilty in November and the same day Lily admitted she had feelings for him too and they started dating.

Has worked several jobs that he’s lost either because he didn’t show or because he was arrested. Between 2018 and 2020 he worked as a bouncer in a town over but was fired in November 2020 after not showing up when he was out on bail for the Whittaker case. 

After being fired he went back to dealing like he'd also done between 2015 and 2018 (that time he got out of it because his sister got him a job at the drive-in that he lost after a few months). Lily, his family, and honestly anyone who would like him not to, are not aware he deals drugs.

His mother died in the spring so during the season he drinks more and gets extra reckless and aggressive so he recently wasn’t very nice to some people........ and him and Lily are fighting a bunch at the moment.

more random shit for no reason so u can skip if u wanna lmao

Suffers with insomnia, probably because of his high alcohol consumption but also anxiety that he won’t really admit to. Went to therapy once after his mother’s death but never continued with it. 

The absolute worst at keeping track of his phone and it’s always on silent and either on low battery or just dead. It usually takes him a few days to get back to you if you text or even call. The easiest way to get a hold of him is to visit his apartment and kick on the door or wait for him to get home if he’s not there (u might have to wait a while sometimes tho....).

Has played drums since he was ten years old, starting when he found a drum set in the music room at his Elementary School. At this point he can pretty much play some songs blindfolded. He also started playing guitar at 15.

Has slightly bad eyesight but you will rarely see him in glasses, he wears contacts and usually has an extra pair with him in case he’d lose one. Which he did once when he was drunk and far away from his apartment and had to nagivate home half-blind and tipsy.

Used to skateboard a bunch but hasn’t done it much since some time in College.

Has broken a bunch of bones but most notably his nose 3 times, it’s not as straight as Casey’s.

Likes cooking and is pretty good at it. Pasta is the shit.

His motorcycle is an Indian Scout he bought in 2015 and it’s his baby. Before that he had a Suzuki VS 1400 GL Intruder from 2003 that he got in 2010 and sold to get money for the new one. He’s never owned a car butyes, he knows how to drive one.

He doesn’t dance and if he does, it’s not exactly serious.

Smokes Winston Red 100’s.

Criminal record at the bottom of this page.

Rocks a beard like seen above even though I sometimes use stubble-only gifs.

Despite his unhealthy lifestyle he manages to work out a couple of times a week and he eats.... A lot, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll turn into a noodle boy like he was in his teens due to his height.

#i triedmy best to keep this short but oh boy #crescent:intro #intro #this man gives me a such a headache i CANNOT UGH #and i did need to get the trash bash talk off my chest pls get him out of my head lmfaoooo

[ocsongthesoulsinger]

Raw Brilliance Media

Let Love Shine is so fitting a song at this time in my life. Stepping outside of your normal habits and movements in your life can be scary and overwhelming.

Reaching out and connecting with other people, and sharing your creative ideas can also be a bit overwhelming. In 2017 I began re-thinking my approach in my music career. A different way as an independent woman in music I mean. After years of flailing around and wondering why I wasn’t moving in the way that I wished, it would seem obvious to some to just quit.

However, I could not quit. This is the breath in my lungs. The beat in my heart. But, I was getting tired and jaded. When I had a conversation with a friend about work and needing money, she invited me to work down in El Paso,Texas.

It was one of the most grueling jobs I’ve ever had. Literally working 15 hours a day not including the 30 min ride to and from the worksite. However, I learned a ton of lessons in that 4 month stint. Here’s at least ten things off the top of my head:

1. Music is part of who I am. No matter where I go music somehow gets involved.

2. Amazing people are everywhere. You have to just speak and listen to them.

3. If you can work 15 hours a day 21 days straight for someone, then you can certainly apply the same energy and time to your dreams and passion, in my case music.

4. If you decide to do it and then just begin, the rest will come.

5. I did not have 15 years experience in the music business, but instead I repeated the same year about 12 times and really only had about 3 solid years experience in the biz. I have a lot to learn.

6. I wasn’t really hustling correctly, I was “burning calories” as a friend of mine once said to me.

7. Not everyone wants to see you succeed.

8. If you believe it will happen, it often does.

9. What is for you NO ONE can block.

10. Never let a person change your spirit.

These lessons and a few others that I learned seem simple and common sense, but that wasn’t the case for me. I am an emotional empath and I move by “feeling”. Often I just want to “feel” good, and therefore would follow what felt good, instead of what was actually good for me. I lacked focus on one initiative, and entertained many ideas long enough to be disappointed by them. I would then go back to whatever I thought was the best course of action.

Throughout my career two things remain true and haven’t changed. One I knew I wanted to write and sing my own lyrics and story. Two I wanted to create high art, not just bubble gum music. Two simple ideas that thrust me into a world of confusion. That is a story for a later date.

Anyway, while I was in El Paso, TX working with the children from South America crossing into America, I met many wonderful people. One of those very special persons I met was Jeremy Johnson AKA Mansa_JK. You would never have known that this young man was a filmmaker in the making by just looking at him. His job was 12 hours of picking up trash in our tent city of 2,000 people. Quite a job! It was July and temperatures started at 98 and went up to 108 for 2 months straight. We chatted many times while I served him coffee and I told him I would shoot my own music videos. He didn’t laugh. He asked me how I planned to do it.

For weeks I told him all of my ideas. Showed him my sample shots my framing etc. And then one day he said I will help you. I was so geeked, and couldn’t wait to contact him when I got back to San Marcos, cause he lives in Austin! It was kizmit!

Here we are 3 years later and he is working on our third video together. Turns out he is UBER talented and has a lot to offer. When he told me the name of his company “Raw Brilliance Media” it seemed ordained by God and the Universe because his talent is RAW and Brilliant.

On this video I let go. I am relinquishing a little of my crazy creative control. Part of my evolution and growth as an artist. I see this next music video as a real beginning to something awesome.

This is my last year in the 40’s. When I was younger I thought 40 was the beginning of the end, and 50 was the end of young life. Now I see 50 as my beginning and the 49 years before as the lessons and stories that have been given to me to tell through music. God willing I will prepare for my 50 th birthday (July 1, 2021) this year by working on me and doing things I would never do. I will

LET LOVE SHINE

Thank you @MansaJK

#OcSong

#Shooting

#JeremyJohnson

#RawBrillianceMedia

#LetLoveShine

#NewBeginnings

#WomenInMusic

#IndieArtist

#SongWilliamson

#ComingSoon

#NewMusicVideo

#DontStop

[anonymous-girl37]

Here is my story.

Most stories tend to start with things being normal, however, for this one, it is honestly a clusterfuck of bullshit with a little bit of normalcy thrown in to give me the illusion of stability. Even when I was only nine, I remember fun and family activities were never really with just her and us- it was always with somebody else there to motivate her. I sort of had to raise Katie and Kylie on my own at some points. She took care of us technically speaking; she didn’t starve us or anything, she just wasn’t available for the emotional side of being a parent. The parts that kids grow up to remember, unfortunately for us.

One of the best examples of her neglectful care for us was around that time... Me being around age… eight? Nine? It all blurs together at some points, but the point is I was young.

My mom always takes naps, they last a whole ten minutes sometimes, but she’s always tired, maybe she’s sick. Whenever she’s sleeping, she says I get to play house with my sisters and pretend I’m the mom. My favorite is when she drives to the store for candy for us because then I make the rules for extra long. I get to make them lunch and play outside. Sometimes she lets me read them stories before their nap time, which is mommy’s relaxing time, so I get the whole rest of the house to myself. I get to make all the rules, dad never lets me do that. He doesn’t know, mommy said it’s our secret. I hate when she doesn’t get her naps in because then she’s grumpy. She went away for a whole week and she hasn’t taken a nap or been grumpy since she got back, maybe the doctors did surgery and fixed her. She’s even taking us to the park while dad’s at work tomorrow.

It’s been a week now, mommy was going to take us swimming but she said her head hurt too much, and the next day we were supposed to play in the woods but she needed to take a nap, and it was almost time for dinner when she woke up. Dad couldn’t know she was napping again, or he’d make her go away for a long time she said. She tells me I’m a good secret keeper. Maybe tomorrow she will let us go swimming.

Mommy’s been back home for two weeks and her medicine already stopped working, I wish it worked for longer cause I miss when mommy was fun. Mommy loves when I play house with my little sisters, but sometimes I get tired of it. I have to listen to her anyway. She’s better than dad because she doesn’t have any stupid rules. All dad ever does is work, we only get to play with him for a little bit after work and on the weekends.

It wasn’t something that stopped, her shitty “parenting” if you can even call it that, never improved. I was 12 years old popping Klonopin like candy, with her permission of course. Not only was she okay with me taking drugs, but she also fueled my addiction with her prescription. At least she was generous with her pills, however, she had plenty enough to share. She got a script of 90 a month from one doctor and 60 a month from another. She was good at pretending to have illnesses for drugs, and trust me, it’s extremely escalated since then. I don’t know who else she gave them away to, but when she ran out she always found a way to get more. Pills were more important to her than us having new clothes, and undergarments. She cared more about pills than saving money to do fun stuff with my sisters and me. She only ever wanted to be high, and she was so good at hiding it. She had our whole family fooled for years. She lived and still does live a life of lies. She sucks the life out of everyone she’s near. She sucked the life out of me. She had me becoming friends with kids who dealt drugs, It was a messy situation all around, I hung around people much older than me, I did drugs with men almost twice my age, however, usually Nicole was around for that part. At least she didn’t leave me alone with strange men, before the age of 13, I guess that was the cut-off. She decided I was mature enough, old enough, to hang out with men 8 years older than me. Luckily I had someone to protect me. Anthony tried to at least, to help me become my best. He wasn’t much better off than me in regards to a mother and he had a terrible drug problem. We experienced the same things in different ways. It felt like everything I went through, he did before me. Our lives were nowhere near identical. He grew up with his grandfather who fucked him out of his childhood, quite literally. I was addicted to Xanax, but that was nowhere near strong enough for his need to forget. Heroin was his kryptonite, he couldn’t get enough of it, but no matter how high he was, or how dope sick he was because he couldn’t find any, he made sure I was okay, he told me he loved me. Every day, that was the first thing I would hear him say. Our entire lives were straight ahead of us. He was poetic and artistic, and everything he said to me sounded like a quote from a book. He wanted his story heard, and he wanted me to be the one to hear it. It feels like I’m now responsible for telling the world. He never wanted anyone to know him, just who he was. He wasn’t all happy, and nice, he was a total asshole sometimes, I’m not sure that he was even aware. The love we had was one I’ll never forget though.

I’ve dropped my bottle and there’s broken glass on the ground now. I guess that’s what I get for being lost in these thoughts. It cut my leg but I can’t feel it. The glass reminds me of him. It reminds me of the night all of us got drunk and they were smashing glass bottles on the concrete. He screams “whoever runs through it gets $20 and this” as he’s holding a ½ empty bottle of rum. And some other guy told him he’d give home $100.00 to do it. So he runs through the things, falls, and has glass stuck from his feet to his knees. I’ll never forget that smell, blood, and vodka. I spent damn near two hours pulling glass out of his legs and feet and bandaging them up.

July Summer 2017

Today had to have been the best day of my life. Anthony took me to our spot, and we talked for hours, about nothing and everything, as always. We’re getting sober together. We’re going to do it. We promised. Today marks 1 day clean. Weed is an exception because fuck quitting that. I would do anything to make this man happy. I’ve known for a long time that he loves me, but today made me realize how much I truly love him too. I’m happy with him. My life is chaotic right now, but he’s my calm. He’s my peace. I can’t wait for the day we never have to leave each other again.

August 11 summer 2017

We’ve been sober for a month today. I want to go to this back to school party but Anthony is being a little bitch about it. I’ll convince him to go.

August 12 summer 2017

He died. On purpose. I made him go to the party and he overdosed. I thought he was just drunk. We cuddled on the porch swing until he fell over into my lap. He laid in my lap for 20 minutes before I knew. He had no pulse. He left a note in my back pocket. I can’t bring myself to look at it. I want to get rid of it.

My god damn room is a mess. Today marks 3 years since I lost the love of my life. I'm already drunk and it’s only 10 a.m. and of course, I, the drug addict, would take pills on a day like today. He would be so disappointed, but it’s finally come the time I read his suicide note, it’s finally the day, I’ve worked up the courage, I can do it. I need to do it. I must lock my door again, I can’t have another interruption. The door could’ve become unlocked. It’s locked, I’ve re-locked it twice now. I never imagined sitting on my bed, reading his note, his last words, whilst I’m a high and drunk mess. You’ll have that though, one of the greatest things Nicole ever taught me was to mask my feelings with drugs. I owe it to him. To read his last words. His voice still deserves to be heard.

Katrina,

I’m so sorry. I can’t keep doing this. I still kneel in the shower, and put my face down, letting the water puddle in my hands as if they could grow big enough to protect me from myself. The pain hits me randomly, it’s like I know I have lungs and I must be able to breathe, but I can’t, the air refuses to come. To this day, I get flashbacks, and I hate the feeling. It’s not normal. These are things you can’t forget. You want to rot because it’s better than being beat than being hurt. I have trouble believing anyone when they tell me they love me, but it’s easier with you. You told me I was your happiness and I gave you butterflies. My depression, my struggle, and my addiction gave you the determination to fight to make me happy. I’m sorry, but things are getting bad again. I should have never begun putting you through my pain. I don’t want help, I don’t want you to kill yourself fighting to save me, and I know you would if I didn’t stop you. You may not see it, and I doubt you will agree, but I’m doing what’s best. You have given me the greatest possible love, you have so much going for you, and you’re still so full of life, don’t lose that. Stay clean for me. I can’t fight anymore. Maybe that makes me a coward, but being a coward to the world is better than the pain that never leaves me, I’m tired of living in my hell. My eyes are full of tears writing this, and I can barely read. I owe my temporary feelings of joy to you. Anyone who knows me knows that if someone out there was going to save me, it would have been you. I can’t go on showering you in my pain, I can see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me. I hurt you because I’m so hurt I don’t know how to breathe anymore. If I die tonight, know that it’s for the best. Know that I haven’t truly been alive in a long time, that’s if I ever was at all. Don’t ruin yourself over me. Tell yourself what we had wasn’t real. Repeat to yourself that I never really loved you until you believe it. I treated you like a project, I manipulated you. Fool yourself into hating me. Because you’re going to see me in every single person. You’ll see some piece of me In everyone you meet. I know you, you’re going to look for me, whether you know you are or not, you’re going to seek me. If all of the words you said were true, you’re never going to give up looking for someone like me, you won’t find him. Find someone better. Find someone who fulfills you. You deserve a man who gives you the world even when he is falling apart. You deserve a love that doesn’t end, I want you to have those feelings again. I’m begging you not to look for me, I’m gone. I’m sorry that you’re never going to stop seeing pieces of me. Look for the good qualities, but I’m sure you’ll find the bad ones too. You’ll find my sense of humor in every funny movie, and all the chick flicks will remind you of our love. You’ll find my eyes in the face of a stranger and you’ll see my smile on little kids playing at the park. I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not. I was never sober. I told you I was because I knew if I got you started I could live with myself for leaving.

In reading this I thought I’d feel relieved, possibly ready to let the last of him go. But now I’m lost, more so than before. Now I’m angry, not with him, but with the world. You can’t hate someone for killing themselves, but you can hate the world for making them do it. You can hate the god or goddess or gods or goddesses you do or don’t believe in for letting it happen. I want to hate him, but I can’t because he’s not here, he took away my power to hate him, and so now I hate everything else. I hate everyone else. He wasn’t lying when he said I would see him in everyone. I see his good qualities somewhere in everyone, I see his bad qualities in every bad person but, I see him in everyone. It’s like when he died he became the universe, the universe swallowed him whole and he left a part of him in everyone. He picked who got his best qualities as if he knew I would find them. I do see his smile on the little kids playing at the park. I see his eyes in the only other man I’ve ever truly loved, they’re not the same, but the feelings in them are similar. I find his humor in every comedy. Sometimes I think maybe what he said was true, that he’d always be there for me whether physically present or not, because sometimes, on some of my worst days, I feel him. For just a minute, I can let myself pretend he isn’t gone. I can let myself pretend he never left this earth. Then my whole world comes crashing right back down. He swore to me he was sober. He promised. I think he only lied so I would be okay. I resent him for telling me to hate him. Because I can’t hate him, I want to so badly, but It’s impossible. Any pain he put me through was nothing compared to how he felt.

That's enough about him for now, as we're going to have to re-open that discussion later. Peach vodka sounds fantastic right now, I'll have a whipped pinnacle and peach smoothie. I could not have possibly made it any stronger than it is. Thank god for mind-altering substances, because quite frankly, I would be dead without them.

Nicole, if you're reading this, how did you do what you did? How were you content with yourself in the way you raised my sisters and me? Did you plan it all, or did you just go with the flow and lie when necessary? You never left a bruise, hell, you never even hit us. You scarred us permanently though, my sisters may not see it yet, but I do. Instead of giving us scars that would heal physically and show your crimes, you gave us invisible ones. The ones that people will deny us having for the rest of our lives. The ones that will always haunt us when we see you. You gave us scars that we can't get covered up with a pretty tattoo. You may not have hurt them as badly as me, but they don't deserve your games. I don't want them to experience even half of what I did.

Her games have left me empty, shallow, broken, and confused. I'm not confused about what she did or who she is, I'm confused about why. Why wasn't I good enough to deserve her love and compassion? What did I do so wrong? Why was I the one chosen to take on her role and try to fix my own life, and protect myself from someone who was supposed to protect and love me? I was forced to grow up so she could go backward. She wanted to live vicariously through me as if she wanted to become me. Everything I did, she did too. All the drugs I did, she just had to try, sometimes do them with me. Nothing was too far for her. She never told my dad though, "don't let your father find out" she would constantly imbed that into my head, it got to the point where I had become two people. One for my mother and one for my father. I remember breaking down one day, crying to myself because I felt like no one knew me and I didn't know who I was, and it was at that moment that I lost my sense of self. I'll probably never know who I am, or why. I have no clue who I want to be. I don't know how to become someone for myself, I've learned to feel as if I must adapt to everyone else.

Nicole told me everything and I mean everything. You may think, "oh that's not so bad, she's being open." Perhaps there are some things you should never tell your children. Some people should never be parents.

She loved to tell me how she was going to be so lost and sad when her "babies"(children all over the age of 10) leave her(by this she meant to grow up and go to school). How she liked sleeping around with all kinds of different men because it was fun and she was good at manipulating them. She told me about her sexual experiences and I wish she wouldn't have sometimes. She told me all kinds of things about her sex life, even asked for my commentary on the experience. Then later she changed many of her stories and said she was raped which had made me feel responsible if that's what had happened because I knew so maybe I should have known. She told me about the men she was dating and even introduced me to some, made sure I knew them well. Her 38-year-old boyfriend talked dirty to me, and the 36-year-old boyfriend did drugs with me, while we were living with him. He was a big mess, but not abusive. However, as soon as she got tired of him she claimed he beat her. She claimed he was abusive so that everyone would pity her. But, she was a liar. He never hurt her. I would have seen it, I would have known. Once again, she had made me question my entire life.

I know about everyone she hates though there aren't many. Now whether it was authentic or a horrible attempt at making me feel sympathy for her, I truly didn't know. I hate knowing everything and having been forced to be her diary, being forced to let her live through me, but she changed me to be what her idea of a kid was. It wasn't a kid at all. She refused to fix any of her problems, no matter how hard I tried to help her, she just wanted to be responsibility-free forever, and I got in the way of that, so she made me her excuse to act like a child. She forced herself to puke and bragged about it. Talking about how much weight she could lose and how quickly. It gave me my sort of eating disorder of feeling strong or like I achieved something by how much I was able to puke up. Still to this day, it's some stupid competition in my head. Drugs are her favorite, they were then too. At Least then it was just Benzos, weed, and hallucinogens. I was the only one who knew, that was stressful, keeping that secret. She constantly made me be someone I wasn't, and she forced me to be someone else for my dad. But I never did know who I was. There was "party secret keeper" me and there was "the most innocent child to exist" me, but I never knew who "me" was without being forced to put on an act one way or another.

chapter 3: The worst of you.

You broke my heart, but I should have known it was coming. It was too often that I looked into your pretty green-blue ocean eyes just to find them glazed over in a drug-induced haze. The last month with you made up for the years of torture. The torture of not knowing where you were or who you were with. Watching you burst into nothing but rage because you couldn’t find your next fix. I never wanted anything but to save you. And when you offered to be sober so long as I was, of course, I took you upon it. I thought you meant it, though I always had my doubts. 3 am is when most of our story was told. You called me every morning at 3, without a doubt, I could always expect that.

July 21st, 2017.

Time 3:00 am

I wake up in your arms and lay there silently as I’m sure you dream peaceful dreams that match the calm state of your face, I still see the shadow of mental exhaustion under your eyes. I breathe slowly, as to not disrupt your sweet dreams. I love you.

July 22nd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You open your beautiful ocean blue-green eyes to start the beginning of your new adventure. Our fingers intertwined, our eyes locked as if we couldn’t look away. I couldn't ask for a better feeling. I love you.

July 23rd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The scent of chocolate fills the room. It happens to be your favorite drink, surprisingly, hot chocolate, a drink no one would expect someone like you to like. A half-smile spreads across your face, the smile that tells me at this moment you’re happy. I love you.

July 24th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I hold you close, but maybe not close enough, feeling the warmth and comfort of your body against mine made me happy though. You make me feel complete. I love you.

July 25th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You wake me up with a small forehead kiss. You seem to be happy today. That makes me smile. I love you.

July 26th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The ring sits perfectly on my finger. With it, I promise you I’ll be okay, and I’ll follow our dreams. You have to leave soon, but I don't want you to leave. I never do. I love you.

August 5th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You're restlessly tossing and turning, I’m sure you haven't slept yet, you’re still withdrawing. I lean over and put my arm across you and place my body against yours. I worry because I wake up to the sound of you crying every time we sleep together. I try to pull you into me and you rest your head on my chest and quietly sob, pretending you’re just sleeping so I won’t notice. You’re stuck in this terrible life. I’m sorry. I love you.

August 6th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

Laying on the couch. I could see you staring at the wall, I felt you caressing my hand, softly. You kiss my cheek softly and then give me a warm smile. I see the pain in your eyes. It shatters my soul more every single second I look at you. You have to leave again soon. I want you to stay with me. I love you.

August 7th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you've been crying for hours. I'm afraid you’re not okay again. I know you won’t tell me. I love you

August 8th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

you tell me that you don't want to get out of bed today. You tell me that you love me and that you're gonna be okay. I should know better but I believe you because I want to. I love you.

August 9th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you’re on drugs again, but you won’t tell me that. Your face is pale and you’re always shivering. I love you.

August 10th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I have yet to see you smile. You look at me over video chat and I know that you're fighting it, you can’t wait to congratulate me on one month of sobriety, and I can’t wait to congratulate you. In-person. Your kisses are always soft but lately, they have a chill to them. The warmth from you has disappeared, I’m worried that you want drugs again. You told me “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not.” That makes me feel better. Maybe a party will cheer you up, I have a surprise planned for you tonight. I love you.

August 11, 2017

Time 6:00 am

You died at 1:53 am

I tried to wake you up but you don't stir. The party went silent. The pain in my chest is excruciating. I shook you and your rubber-banded bag fell to the floor. I hugged you harder as if it could bring you back. There is nothing I could do but cry. 15 minutes later I dialed 9-1-1 but I couldn’t speak, I cried so hard that no sound could even come out anymore. The sobs were so quiet they were loud. The ambulance got there, they put you on a stretcher. At first, I refused to let go of you, holding onto your hand, hugging your body with mine as if I could give you the life in me. It was so cold. D.O.A. I love you... The bed feels empty with you gone. The couch feels too big without you next to me. And the porch swing looks like a grave. I can’t go to the party house anymore. My hands feel cold without yours in them. I cried all night. The tears stopped coming out after a while, but I still sobbed. Your scent fills my nose and I cry more. I could have saved you. I'm empty without you. I should have known better. Your last words haunt me. I’m not sober anymore, I’m sorry. The note you left, I don’t think I can ever read it. I love you.

August 3rd, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I had a dream about you. You looked so happy, your wings matched your darkness. But Seeing your smile, your real one, made me feel good, so good that you are no longer only a dark spot in my memory.

August 5th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I made your favorite, hot chocolate, and a bacon peanut butter sandwich. I wish you had a grave, but they turned you to ash and put you god knows where. Even though you aren't here, the universe still reminds me of you. Even though I know you won't be waking up this time. I love you.

August 10th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I went to our spot today. I cried when I got home, I hurt so bad. I miss you more than anything. I love you. It's almost been a year.

August 11th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

The first anniversary of losing you. I refuse to accept that you’re gone. Just tell me you’re coming for me. Tell me you’re in some 3rd world country just hiding out like we always talked about, and you’re gonna come find me when I’m 18. I want this to all be a bad dream.

August 12th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

It's getting too hard to sleep. I slept in one of your t-shirts. It smelled just like your favorite cologne. I held it just like I would have held you. I love you. I miss you.

August 13th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

Your mom called to make sure I was okay, your parents are back in New England now. They miss you, it hurt to hear her cry. I guess she did love you in her way. I love you.

August 14th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I'm going crazy without you. This isn’t allowed to be real. I miss you. I miss your smell. I want you back. I love you.

August 15th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I visited our spot again yesterday. Remember what you told me? “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not”. Those words haunt me, you spoke them the day before left me forever. I should have known. I wish I knew. Maybe then I could have saved you. I love you.

August 16th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I can't stand being without you anymore. I love you.

August 11th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

It’s been two years. I miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Please come back. I think I’m in love again. It scares me, but I know you’d like him.

August 12th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

No one gets that you weren’t the best thing in the universe, that you were an asshole sometimes, you weren’t always a good person. But you were good. You made life something more than it was and you showed me who I could be. You showed me who I am, in your own fucked up way that included you dying. And for that, I owe you.

August 3rd, 2020

Time 3:00 am

I've finally read the note you left me. I read it over and over. I’m crying so much writing this I can’t even see. Come back. I miss you. I love you.

August 5th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

Why did you have to go and do that? This all must be a fucking joke. I love you.

August 8th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

The day that marks 3 years since you left me is coming up quickly. I don’t want it to come. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to accept this. I miss our talks at our spot. I love you.

August 11th, 2020

Time 1:53 am

It’s been 3 years. Today is terrible. Come back. I love you.

I guess your anger is just as much a part of your story as your love. You loved me, that much everyone who knew you knew, but you had a funny way of showing it sometimes. The drugs clouded your memory, or at least you wanted me to think they did. Like the time you shot at someone who stole off of you. Your excuse was being high, but not until you knew how much it scared me. I’m not sure what you thought would happen had you shot him, but I don’t think you cared regardless. Maybe you always knew what you were doing, and you were too tired to control yourself. No matter what, a part of me will always be infatuated with you and a piece of my heart will always belong to you. Our story is one I can never forget, but as time goes on I see more flaws, I find more wrongdoings, and I learn to love you less.

Chapter 4

How have we gotten to this point? I woke up today in a great mood, but of course, Nicole couldn’t allow that. It’s been months since I spoke to her, but she’s pinned my best friend and his mother against me. She and her so-called husband say I told them I was going to turn them in. My best friend who deals drugs, and his mother who condones it and takes part. I know what you’re thinking, why the fuck are you, friends, with these people? Quite frankly, I don’t know, I guess I always have been. My best friend, Aaron, was the first guy I ever had a crush on. He was the only person who showed up to my 13th birthday party and he never did me wrong. He took my weed virginity, and he stuck up for me. He didn’t let kids bully me, though they sure tried. He didn’t back down, sometimes it felt like he was the only person on my side. If it weren’t for him my middle school experience would not have been nearly as mediocre as it was. At some points in life, he was all I had, and still, to this day, I can go to him with whatever and he does his best to help. Though, ever since Nicole started her bullshit and I told the police about her abuse, she has been trying to sway him to take her side. She’s good at doing that, she knows how to manipulate just about anyone. She had our entire family fooled for years, had them convinced she wasn’t a terrible person or on drugs.

I guess now is a good time to bring up Josh, the man who took my virginity, if you want to put it that nicely. By that I mean the 19-year-old who forcibly had sex with 13-year-old me, whilst I was high on pills in Victoria’s closet. Victoria was my BFF, we did everything together, mostly drugs. Sometimes random friends of friends would stay at her house, and one time we made a huge mistake. I still remember the feeling, being dragged from bed and onto the ground, through the closet doors. I can still hear how loud the sliding door shut. I remember how it felt, my clothes being ripped off of me, sloppily and just good enough for him to get to where he wanted. He clasped his hand around my throat to keep me pinned down as if I wasn’t already paralyzed by the pills he offered me. Surely I took them, I was too high to know better. I didn’t feel anything, but that was the torture of it. I knew what was happening, and I was unable to stop it. My body was motionless, but he got off on it. His evil grin and cold eyes are permanently ingrained in my brain, I’ll never forget his face because that’s all I could look at. I’ll never forget it because I’m forced to remember. Good thing I never felt it, I’m sure that would be a whole other nightmare. I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to Nicole, but let me tell you, I told her about the invasion of my body, and she doubted me. I told her what happened and she told me I was wrong. She told me I wasn’t that high, I could have stopped it if I didn’t want it. She told me I wanted it. I the 13-year-old, of course, believed my mom, only to figure out it was sexual assault 2 years later. Nicole of course did absolutely nothing, as per usual. She could have saved me that night. I called her, I wanted to go home because I didn’t feel safe and I thought I was too high, she came and saw me, she told all the people there I was fine, even went as far as saying I was faking it. Maybe she’s the reason I got raped that night, maybe he took my silence as consent because he thought I was sober. Maybe he was rough because he thought my silence meant I liked it. Maybe I only imagined saying stop, perhaps it never came out of my mouth. Or perhaps my pleas to stop convinced him to continue. How could I know anyways? I was in a drug-fueled haze, maybe I remember wrong and I never said stop. I guess that’s the downfall of getting high, you never know what happened. Everything is foggy and the details are blurry. It’s like trying to remember a dream after you wake up, you wonder what happened and the longer you’re awake the blurrier the memory gets. The longer you’re sober, the blurrier your high adventures become. Just because I’ve been thinking about this long enough to write it down, anxiety is jolting through my veins. It starts at the back of my throat, pushing its way up from the inside out, a sting that becomes so much more. The line between what is fear and what is real is becoming blurrier by the second. It feels as if my words are stuck in my throat, stopping me from screaming, from letting my feelings out. This is my brain's way of telling me my words aren’t worth much right now, quite frankly it’s not wrong. He tore my soul to pieces as my pleas ran through his mind as “convince me” “keep going” “I like it”. I can still see his cold, hungry eyes in my dreams sometimes. Imagining his face sends shivers down my spine as I continually play what he did to me over and over again as if something could change the more I think into it. He broke me, crushed my being, my soul, and outright stole my voice. I can’t possibly continue to look at myself in disgust over this man, because it is he who should rot, not me. I’m worth more than becoming the perfect victim, I choose to be a victor. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, my motivation is wanting to be further in life than anyone who has ever hurt me, and I'm already there.

Chapter 5: The Man Who Loved Me Once

The man who loved me once, the one who broke my heart into pieces. Leo tore me to pieces, but I thought I was in love with him. It took a month in a psychiatric facility to conclude that he never loved me. I was 15 with a 21-year-old man. He convinced me it was okay along with Nicole constantly praising me for it. “Damn haha you are just like me”

February 3rd, 2018

I told him to stop, I told him no. I told him I didn't want to do this. I begged and pleaded but that meant nothing to him. He didn't stop, he didn't understand “no”, my begs and pleads for him to stop rang through his ears as “convince me”. His right hand roamed my body, It made me shiver. His left hand went between covering my mouth to shut me up, and pushing me back up against the brick wall. He kissed my lips roughly to silence me, pushing me hard against the wall. His fingers scratched into my skin, making me squirm. I couldn't move much though, the pills he put in my drink prevented me from doing that, what a lovely redo of the last man who hurt me. This one at least did not do it with people around, though it was dark, we were in a public place. He called me baby girl and told me "I am going to fuck you so good". I showered 3 times today, and no one questioned it. I did not eat anything for a few days, and no one questioned it. Maybe you did not mean to hurt me, maybe you thought I liked it. I still love you.

February 27th, 2018

He hit me today, it's not the first time. Hell, it is not even the second or third time, honestly, I have lost count. He loves me. He apologized and then we cuddled and watched a movie. He will change, I know I can fix him. He never means to hurt me. He is a good man and people do not want to try to understand. I have to cover the bruises, good thing it is winter and I can wear a hoodie every day. He makes me sad but he does not mean it. He loves me and I know it.

March 15th, 2018

Today he took me to meet his parents. I had to lie and say I was 18. I pretended I was in college. He made me. He just did not want his parents to give him shit like they always do. He said it was fine that we had an age difference. I trust him, I would do anything for him. I love him.

March 28th, 2018

Today he tried to drown me. It was my fault. I remember passing out and waking up with no clothes. I guess he put them in the dryer because they were wet. He wasn't himself when he did it, I am sure there is just something going on mentally. I can fix him. I can help him. I know he loves me. I know he can get help, I want to help him.

April 3, 2018

I saw him today, our visit was cut short because Nicole wanted me to come home. She knows about him and me, she just missed me because I have been at friends’ houses and with Leo all week. He was pretty mean today, he grabbed me by the throat and I am beginning to think that he needs more help than I can give him. My throat is sore and it is bruised on the side. I will have to wear my hair down. He loves me so much that the pain is worth it. I do not want to lose him. The way he strokes my hair and holds me, while he is apologizing after he has done something that harmed me is so sweet. I love it when he buys me flowers and sometimes he is good for a while. The pain is worth it for the love.

April 8th, 2018

He raped me. He put a glass bottle inside of me, and my vagina bled. He got me drunk, and we started making out, then he fucked me, relentlessly, roughly. He bruised me. In between my legs. My dad picked me up, it was the worst experience of my life. I still love him and I do not want to anymore. I am being punished for it because Nicole will not tell my dad she knew everything. I am being punished for being raped. I am broken. I need help.

April 24th, 2018

I spent nearly a month in a psychiatric facility, it has helped me a lot. My roommate was awesome. I had a nurse in there, a youngish, beautiful, and kind African American woman, she is the reason I am still alive. I am so grateful to have met that woman and another one of the therapists there. It has helped me so incredibly much. I hate that I am still being punished for being raped because I was not, not allowed there. I had permission. I did not do anything without my mom's permission, yet she and my dad punished me for being raped. As in it was my fault. As if I did it to myself. How was I supposed to know any better with Nicole telling me it was okay? I have grown to hate my dad, I make sure he knows it and I feel no remorse for what I say. He sucks and I wish I was just with my mom. I still love Leo, but he never loved me, except once.

I have grown so much since then. I used to think so highly of Nicole. I thought it was awesome to have a mom that helps you sneak around and break rules. I thought so highly of her and I wanted to be exactly like her. I wanted to smoke and drink and be high all of the time because I thought it was so cool. I thought it was normal at that. I just could not realize that she was no good. My dad was the only one who wanted what was best for me, and still to this day he does. He was the one who saw how poorly I was doing and made an effort towards getting me better. He did not even know half of it and from the time he found out and forward, he gave me all of the acceptance and care and love I needed. I regret ever being so mean to him. I know you are wondering what the hell I said to him, so I will make a list.

-I hate you

-You are a terrible dad

-I will never speak to you again

-You are the reason I am so messed up

-I never want to see you again, you suck and I fucking hate you, don't you dare tell me to watch my mouth, you don't get to tell me what to do because you aren't my dad anymore {then I called him by his first name}

-I do not want you in my life

I hate myself for the things I said to my dad. He is one of the kindest, most caring, and genuinely good human beings I know. He does everything he can to make sure my sisters and I can have what we want. He has a job therefore a steady income. He gets us any reasonable thing we want. I am so lucky to have a dad like him because not everyone gets a good dad, I love my dad. He and I finally have an amazing father, daughter relationship and I feel so much better. I wish I never said those hurtful awful things to him, I wish that Nicole never ingrained my brain with lies about him making him seem bad. Now my sisters are saying very similar but even meaner hurtful things to my dad. He does so well for them and they hate him because Nicole is good at brainwashing.

Dad, if you are reading this, I want you to know, it was never your fault for anything that happened. You could not have known, Nicole manipulates well. I love you and you are an awesome dad.

My mind is in a muddle. I can not seem to think straight for some reason. Nicole manipulated me so much I question my trauma. she told my dad and me that I faked being raped so I would not be in trouble. When I went to the party, she said it was real for a while, until it was no longer convenient for her to use. "My poor baby, I feel so bad seeing my daughter shower 5 times a day". Then when it was not getting her attention anymore, she said I was lying.

I wish I knew what to do with the thoughts that are flooding my brain right now. Once you become happy, and you come to be at peace with yourself, you can be okay. However, your demons stick with you forever. Once an addict, always an addict, but that does not make you a bad person. It shows how strong you are when you get sober. Your demons follow you, but you can restrain them, you can imprison them and throw them into the back of your brain. That alone makes you a survivor. Being a victim of rape and having PTSD is just the same. It is hard to suppress the memories, and it is even harder to work through them, but it is possible, I know it is because I am doing it. Your demons follow you, you have to realize that they do not own you.

Nicole is part of the reason I am mentally ill. I hate her for that. I hate her for many things. I wish her the worst. However, I am not going to let her win. I do not hate her, I hate what she did, I hate the way she groomed me into her idea of a good daughter. I hate how she manipulated me into believing my dad was no good, and he drank too much and he ignored us on the weekends for shooting/hunting. I regret not letting my dad have a relationship with me for years. She is not winning this one. I hate everything she did, but I will leave it to someone else to hate her because I am sure other people do.

I have always been in love with Leo, but as time passes by, I realize that nothing he did was good or okay. He was only ever "nice" to manipulate me. I wish I had known then what I know now. I am slowly getting over him and trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts about him. He was like a drug, and I got addicted.

My current boyfriend is amazing, and I could not have asked for someone better.

Chapter 6: This Is Today

Hypomania can be nice, I was hypomanic for like a month, keyword fucking “was”. I’d like to clear the misconception that mania means you’re happy, it doesn’t. I can’t be confrontational right now because no matter what it’s about I’m approaching it like a fight even if you’re approaching it like a discussion. It’s one hell of a fucking high and if you’ve ever done hard drugs you know that it’s usually not good the whole time you’re on a binge after a week or so. You know it’s more intense the more you do and the less you can function. Mania is such an intense thing that it makes you feel like you are on drugs when you aren’t, and as someone who used to do a lot of them, that’s scary, because it brings back so many memories, and for me, that fuels the mania more, it is just feeding the fire. Okay, so imagine like a 2-month long drug binge or drinking (alcohol) binge with the given random withdrawals and mood swings, The comedowns, and the intense parts where you think you’re on top of the world and life could not possibly get better.. Okay? Now imagine having no control over when you feel like you’re coming down when you feel high or drunk when you feel hungover when you are high or drunk at all. Imagine 24/7 constant torture of not knowing what’s next. Don’t fucking romanticize mania, don’t romanticize this. Here I am, in my bathtub, with a bottle of cheap vodka that tastes more like the smell of hand sanitizer than any alcohol at all, and I’m on 2 bars of Xanax (I was coming up on a year sober). Here I am, hot water pouring onto my trembling body in hope that it will ease my trembling, it feels like I’ve been in here for days and it’s only been hours, yet all of my tears are gone. I’ve drained myself of tears and I can’t seem to cry anymore. It's just a dull sob, heavy breathing, shaky hands, a blotchy face, and a trembling body. You think my symptoms would be numbed but I feel like they’re more lifelike now. I feel trapped within them, as if they own me, just like he owned me. I wish I could say he never did but for a while there I was stuck in his abyss. I haven’t slept in way too fucking long. Yes, I am on meds, no they are not working. I’m talking to my psychiatrist as soon as I can. Last night and these past few hours(it’s 3:48 a.m.) have been terrible, I’ve been up talking and pacing and shaking and crying all night in utter paranoia full of what I'm self-aware enough to know are only delusions, going from laughter to crying excessively to panic attacks that feel like the end of the world, to pouring my heart out to a girl I’ve been friends with for a week and telling her all of my trauma(shout out to you dude thank you) to trying to buy fucking animals(specifically a monkey) off of the Internet. Even though I only collectively have $6.00. Mania is embarrassing yourself publicly or even just within your household and not fucking remembering what you did or how you did it or why. Mania is bad life choices and excessive cleaning and exhaustion and impulsivity, for example: “wanna get drunk” yeah I’m drunk rn but sure why not. “Wanna have sex?” Yeah okay “ I don’t have a condom” that’s cool just pull out or don’t I don’t care. Mania is hurting the people you love because they can see how lost you are and how broken you are and how you can’t see that you need help. Mania is researching, stalking, fucking obsessively trying to find your abuser/rapist on the internet because you’re curious as to how he’s doing. Mania is trying to convince everyone around you that you’re fine because you want to be fine because you don’t want it to happen again until you’re so not fine you can’t avoid it anymore. Sometimes you just get stuck in fucking mania and you can’t get out. Sometimes you get hypomanic and start a book then as it progresses into mania you write more and more *cough* me *cough*.

Life has never exactly been easy, and I’ve always had difficulties concluding that nothing that’s happened is my fault, and truly it is not. However, blaming myself has always been easier than blaming everyone else. In complete honesty, Nicole ruined so much of my life and damaged my psyche. The way I view the world will never be innocent, my innocence is gone and I’m not sure I could get it back if I tried to. How much of my life would have been different had I not been an addict? What if Nicole never was abusive? What if I was never raped? What if I did fewer drugs? What if I never told my dad about Nicole? I could go on with the questions, but that probably won’t get us anywhere. It’s funny to think of who I could have become. Maybe I would be a sheltered little bitch with no sense of humor or sense of self. Maybe I would still to this day be a drug addict. The what if’s don’t matter, because they are simply that, what if’s. They don’t mean anything, but my past means everything. I don’t hold grudges against anyone for anything, I try not to hate, but I do strongly dislike Nicole. I do wish she wasn’t such a raging bitch. I wish she could just stop being a piece of shit. I wish my life wasn’t destroyed, yet I am beyond thankful for how beautifully broken I am.

I'll have such loud intrusive thoughts that they feel like voices. It's like there are two people in my head sometimes 3 or 4, constantly talking over one other, and then me trying to get them to stop long enough for me to hear myself think. I will also have snippets of words, phrases, phantom sounds, or music. I begin to hear whole words, phrases, even random sounds, and parts of songs. Sometimes I don’t even know the songs. “Just shut up, no one likes you”

“do it anyway, don’t be a pussy”

“they’ll think you’re crazy, be careful who you tell”

“secret secret secret”

“stop thinking about him”

“don’t stop thinking about it”

I’m sure the thoughts, the voices I’m hearing don’t sound all that terrible, but they are. You’re probably wondering why I let them bother me.

Just imagine constantly hearing the same things over and over and over and instead of letting the voice become a redundant muttering, it becomes more meaningful every time you hear it. They become more hurtful. They become louder with every waking breath. This form of existence is painful. The world wants me to be the same thing I want to be, but I don’t know if this is even me.

I struggle a lot with that. It makes me feel like I led two lives and honestly you’re one of the only people who heard about a lot of my “high adventures” I’ll call them, and I do apologize for telling you about me doing drugs and stuff, you were too young to be hearing about that(you aren’t too young now). However, because I am an addict I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I did drugs to cope with my existence and how secret I had to keep anything that had to do with Nicole.

The voices in my head won’t shut up. They scream and yell, and go in circles taking turns talking, seeing who can be the loudest. My head is constantly racing. There is constantly something going on in my head. I just want it all to stop. The only things to drown them out are drugs. Maybe I will start taking benzos again, that calmed them last time.

[widevibratobitch]

Was tagged by @babinicz, thank you!!!!!!

Rules: POST 6 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF AND THEN PASS IT ON TO 10(+) OF YOUR FAVORITE FOLLOWERS

1) I am that kind of person that hiperfixates on things A LOT. Has always been. Sometimes I feel like my life is divided into chapters or eras by what I am currently hyperfixating on. It can be a little annoying since it often makes me completely unable to concentrate on real-life things though. And it is totally weird to me that most people I know don't really get those fixations, at least not as extremely as I do. (currently I'm in an Oscar Wilde phase, and I think I'm still doing a great job with not bombarding my mutuals with tons of Wilde-related content as much as I'd want to...)

2) When I laugh really hard, my knees kinda stop working and I collapse to the floor, even in the middle of a street. I just can't control it. It is a thing that I didn't appreciate for a long time until like a month ago. I had stopped experiencing it when i went to high school, and I had thought back then that well apparently my body finally learned how to control itself, nice. But some time ago I met with my friends from middle school (it was a music school, I find today that people there really were different), including my best friend, and it happened again and again. I realized then, that I just never really laugh that sincerely and never feel that comfortable and happy when I am with my "friends" from high school. Kinda sad but yeah, can't wait to meet them again and lose control over my legs again.

3) I used to love Maths in grade school. To the point when I once cried when I got a 4- (it's like a B- grade). In third class we got a new teacher and by the end of grade school I already hated Maths, but still got 5s (like, straight As). Then I went to middle school and I mostly survived on 3s, sometimes 2s (Cs, Ds). T h e n I went to high school and almost had to repeat the first year because of Maths (had to pass an exam in August), I struggle horribly to get that 40% at the end of the year, I am afraid that I won't pass the matura exam. I really used to love Maths, and if that's not the typical thing our educational system does to children...

4) During the day I can fall asleep always, everywhere. But once the time to go to sleep comes, I could lie in bed without moving for literal hours and still won't fall asleep. That's why I'm writing all this at 2 am, because my mother accidentally woke me up at midnight after I fell asleep in the evening, and now I just can't go back to sleep.

5) When I was 6, I wanted to be a nun and my biggest dream was to be a saint. Yeah, really. I guess that was the effect of my very religious grandparents and mother, and their constant brain-washing. I think I was about 12 or 13 when i finally learned to think for myself and refused to go to church with my mom - it was really hard for her, once or twice she literally dragged me to church by my hair, and every action of hers made me hate the church and religion even more. I still don't really like catholicism and honestly hate the christian God with all my heart, at least the way he is portrayed in the Old Testament. But I do think Jesus was a historical figure and a really cool dude. I love Jesus. I also know some religious people who are absolutely the best and I respect and will always fight for everyone's freedom to believe in whatever they want, as long as they leave the same freedom to me. Sometimes I really wish I could actually believe in something out-of-this-world, but I can't. I just can't.

6) I say A LOT of things ironically, but very often people don't get that, and it makes me look like an asshole. It happens way too often honestly. Thing is, that is just my sense of humor and I don't really control it or think too much of it. So I say a lot of racist or homophobic things in my Typical White Polish Man In A Patriotic Jumper Voice and people get mad and then I have to explain that I don't really mean that and it gets super awkward and yeah...

As before, I nominate basically the only people I talk to on this hellish website: @tornaloadir @acepolish @carlodivarga-s @simone-boccanegra @lessthansix @donnaimmaculata @amynion have fun or sth

#Tag games #I really love these #Im a narcissistic bitch what can i say i love to talk about myself

[fatenista]

Welcome to the World my dearest son. Nadashi Siripatana, was born on Saturday February, 1st, 2020 Sydney, Australia. 

Let’s throwback a bit before it all began. I remember by the time we got here in early of May 2019, we were getting settled, adjusting new daily routines and managing our lives in all perspectives. From getting a cozy home to choosing the good-enough private health insurance. After we got all these and felt quite settled with our (financial) situation, I realize I was late. Before we did the test, we were pretty okay and not panicked if we were to expect another child. We were mentally ready and I was physically ready to deal with pregnancy again. Except, $$$ that we were quite worried. But Alhumdullilah, it was manageable. Of course, unlike in Saudi, we were insured. But here, a day after we got insurance, we knew we were expecting. I called my insurance company and unfortunately, they only cover birth & pregnancy after 12-month of waiting period. In Saudi we had BUPA insurance, in here they also got BUPA but the coverage is not the same as in Saudi. In Saudi, I got there less than 3 months and pregnancy & birth was fully covered. (How we missed Middle East lol) After that, I couldn’t wait to find out. So off we went to Royal Hospital for Women (10 mins walk from our house) and set appointment to meet with the midwife in my 14th week. If you have a normal pregnancy here, you will not meet your midwife and your GP (from any clinic of your choice). The OB-GYN doctors are for high risk pregnancy only, it makes sense. My whole pregnancy check-up, I managed to meet GP twice and 5 times with my midwife. 

After we been living here for almost a year, Australia work and life balance is at its best. Most people I know or talked to, works 3 days a week at office and the rest work from home or not working at all. This way, both parents got to spend time with kids not only on weekend but also on weekdays. No wonder when I first came here and brought Insha to the park, there are some dads who brought kids to playground and do all mom’s jobs. It’s a new normal for us. I was also surprised knowing that the nurses at the hospital works 3 days a week only and with total of 36 hours a week. Isn’t that great? 

Nadashi at 20th week ultrasound

With this pregnancy, I was craving for all the sweets and chocolate mousse in the first half of my human-incubation period. Until I had my sugar tested and surprise surprise! I had pregger diabetes (GDM;Gestational Diabetes Mellitus) and I had to stop all sweets, no white rice nor white bread, control my diet and lots of walk and prenatal yoga. My midwife appointed me to meet with the group for women with GDM and really, Australia has a very impressive health care system. You will feel that they really care about you. They don’t want you risking by having a too-large baby and ended up with C-section. Ahh, I don’t want it too. So I was extra careful with my diet though it was such a torture to not eat what I craved for when pregnant. 

12-hour before getting into labour!

Birth time! Insha was born right on her due date at 40 weeks, so I didn’t expect Nadashi to want to come out earlier than week 39th. A day before I was in labour, we went downtown Sydney and I was walking like I’m still far from baring child. But walking a lot also naturally induce the labour. 

At 6am in the morning next day (Feb, 1st), I was lying in bed after a constant trips to the toilet. I felt my water broke and then contraction started literally 3-5 minutes apart (already? I thought it’d start at every 20 minutes or 10 at first but 3-5 mins right away). I kid myself that ‘Nuhh, not yet. I’m too sleepy to be in labour now” I was sure that it wasn’t Braxton hicks because it was repeated and also hurt like hell. I decided to wait to see another 30 minutes and it was the same. Oh man! he’s coming, he’s really coming!

Then I called “Delivery Suit” at hospital and explained my situation. They asked me to take hot shower and have breakfast and then come to the hospital. So I did, but I couldn’t eat because the contraction got stronger and more painful that it hurts like my pelvis being crushed by a tractor. I woke Adil and Insha, “We need to go to hospital now. Nadashi is coming” .. my last-day-only-child then said “It’s February already?” Haha, yep, she knew Nadashi will come in February. We walked to hospital. It was 8am. when we were walking I had like 5-6 contractions along the way. Ain’t I crazy. 

Delivery Suit

Delivery Suit

At hospital (8am), Delivery Suit. One of the on-duty midwife (Kim) welcomed me right at the door. Everything felt so calm and quiet. Kim brought me straight to our delivery room. A spacious purple room, big windows that we could see UNSW, bathroom attached, birthing ball and fully quipped suit for delivery. I wasn’t ready to be honest with all the birth thing (again) but at the same time, I also couldn’t wait to meet my new lover.

    I had Kim and Nicole assisted me at the first stage of getting into labour. That time I was wondering how far along was my dilation because I needed the most magical thing in my life, Epidural. I asked Kim that I need an epidural and she checked I was 3cm. dilated. With Insha, I had epi at 5cm. which is good timing not too early and not too late. But with the 2nd birth, I figured it dilated quicker so I decided to have it asap. Of course, there’s lot of consent to be made due to the possible (1 in 10) side effects. I consent, I consent, I consent. I couldn’t stand any more pain from this. It crushed me. I thought I could do better this time round, but no, it’s such a trauma to feel it again. I cried few times to be honest. How can women, other women, handle this pain without any drugs? You really are super super human. 

 Delivery SuitI had Kim and Nicole assisted me at the first stage of getting into labour. That time I was wondering how far along was my dilation because I needed the most magical thing in my life, Epidural. I asked Kim that I need an epidural and she checked I was 3cm. dilated. With Insha, I had epi at 5cm. which is good timing not too early and not too late. But with the 2nd birth, I figured it dilated quicker so I decided to have it asap. Of course, there’s lot of consent to be made due to the possible (1 in 10) side effects. I consent, I consent, I consent. I couldn’t stand any more pain from this. It crushed me. I thought I could do better this time round, but no, it’s such a trauma to feel it again. I cried few times to be honest. How can women, other women, handle this pain without any drugs? You really are super super human. 

Finally! Epidural time

At around 10am, the anesthesiologist came. She brought papers with her and explained everything to me (exactly like in Saudi) and I consent to every words said. Only this time round, the procedure is quite different. And I must say, it is better than the Saudi one. The one I had in Saudi was all at once injection. The needle was 4 inches long and really thick one stuck into my spine. My lower body felt all numb after that in less than 2 minutes and I couldn’t even lift my legs. It was amazing to not feel any labour pain at all but I think it’s better to at least feel something without any pain.

Here, they connected the epidural tube on the built-in wall and attached some needle to my back. I don’t remember where exactly but there was something like a locket hanging on my shoulder which passed epidural into me every 20-40 minutes. Every time it kicked in, it felt chilly a bit. At first, I felt no contraction pain but a bit of pressure at my bottom (bearable) and then the other was feeling a bit like small menstrual cramp. Anyway, epidural delayed delivery time. So from 10am, I was scrolling my phone, chatting, netflixing, and was napping till around 3pm. then Kim came in and said that looking from heart rate and other things (from machine) I was almost 10cm dilated. We should get ready to have little bub come out around 3.45pm or so. How exciting! Adil and Insha went out to the playground and came back once I told them we’re so ready for Nadashi! 

“Okayy, you’re contracting now, PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Kim asked me to have our first push. I did feel small cramp which without epidural, I would feeling being struck by a train and cut myself in 2, literally dying. We tried several times and I took so many deep breathes but Nadashi and my body did not cooperate well. We tried for like 20 mins or so and unsuccessful but baby was still happy not in distress. Then, we needed doctor to come and see the situation. He said that the baby’s head is down and he was curling to the side. His spine was on the side when it supposed to be against your tummy. So, he re-positioned the baby. (Imagine, putting all hand inside the move him from the inside. Oh lord. I felt nothing only pressure without pain while he changed his position. I was exhausted from all the pushing (many times) almost an hour later, doc said, okay, if it’s not coming out this time, we might need to cut lil’bit. I was thinking .. no way. okay, i’ll be pushing all my energy out now so I don’t need that cut just to let him out, nooooo!” This time, I did pushed really hard and I could feel the ball shape was coming out then deep breathe and that long push from the body and then deep breathe that last push till all body parts are out! Like I mentioned, my lower part wasn’t all numb it just no pain from contraction, so I could feel the baby human was coming out. It’s still a trauma. really big trauma. I can’t . I don’t want to do it anymore but maybe one more .. after I saw him for the first time and fell in love all over again. Alhumdullilah for everything. At 4.42pm. healthy baby boy, weight 3.2kg, 52cm in length. was finally out into the world. 

In Australia, normally if you have normal child delivery and there’s no complication, you can leave hospital after 6 hours of delivery. I had to stay at least 48 hours because during pregnancy I had GDM so they had to monitor baby’s sugar level. Me and Nadashi spent one night in the hospital and I asked the nurse if we could go home next day because after 24 hours checking his blood pricking test, it was all fine and if I have to,I can prick him at home. I also told the nurse frankly that we’re not covered by insurance so within the deposit limit, I’d prefer to stay one night only. Then she said, the Pediatrician will come check Nadashi and she’ll see if we could go home. Alhumdulillah, all is well so we all went home on the 2nd evening. 

   Alhumdulillah, all is well and it’s time to go home!

   Not only great service from Royal Hospital for Women, we also got NSW Baby Bundle full of baby essentials! (worth of $300); Baby playmat, first aid, room temperature indicator, baby Australian books, nappy cream, hand sanitizer, changing mat, baby swaddle, baby sleeping bag, baby milestones card, breast-pad, diaper bag.

Once we’re home, my personal midwife who I’ve visited during prenatal check-up come visit us at home. One day after deliver and the other 2 days during first week post-delivery. Overall, to check my health and baby’s. Checking baby’s weight, baby jaundice, checking on how he latch, checking my recovery etc.

   After few days home, hospital also contacted us to have a heading test for Nadashi. 

    I’m not sure if Nadashi is a good baby or it’s just my biological clock that got used to the wake up in middle of night. But he could sleep longer than Insha as far as I remember. Insha was every 2 hours and Nadashi sleeps 3-5 hours. I even had few dreams before I woke up and realized that I’m a newborn mom, I have to wake him up to feed now. He’s just a deep sleeper! 

   Thanks for reading about my first week of life. I hope you all have a blessing days ahead.

How much it cost for out-patient delivery cost (For temporary research activity visa 408); 

Midwife consulting A$147 (6 visits) 

GP visit A$90 and A$60 (twice) 

Ultrasound at week 20th A$270 

Blood test and glucose testing was covered by our private insurance 

Delivery package (A night stay) A$1,383 

GDM consult A$77

*The hospital required us to pay deposit of $6,000 2-month before month of admission. 

 You Are My Sonshine, Nadashi Welcome to the World my dearest son. Nadashi Siripatana, was born on Saturday February, 1st, 2020 Sydney, Australia. 

[jinniesmeow]

good evening. this is a very long rant. if you’ve been tagged in this, it means I have a message for you :’) it’s at the bottom of the post, and that’s the most important part, so dear mutuals, feel free to just go read that part and don’t feel forced to read all that bullcrap I've written. thank you if you do, thank you if you don’t. 

if we’re not mutuals and you’re reading this, well I guess thank you because this is hella long and cliché af. I'm sorry to everyone for this. though it kinda has nothing to do with what I'm saying, I was feeling particularly gay tonight and I'm in my feelings right now so yeah. if you’re willing to read, just click, you know how that works. 

first of all, hello. thank you if you’re reading this, whether we’re mutuals or not, this isn’t a private post so if you’re reading this, hello to you, I hope you’re having a wonderful night or day and I guess sorry for what you’re about to read if it’s considered TMI. I don’t know everyone on here so I'll start with the basics. I’m zia, aka users jinniesmeow, yunholy, hwangitzy and very recently yuzukhei. I'm (almost) 19, and in case you didn’t know, I'm French. and Italian, fortunately or not, idk. 100% European and white anyway, and my ancestors were all 100% racist and homophobic (I mean Poland and Italy? come on.). My sister, who’s turning 23 this year (she’s not on Tumblr), and myself are the first generation in my family to be queer on whichever side of it it is you’re looking at. 

Indeed, (if you didn’t know somehow, now you do) both her and I are pansexual. thankfully, our mom is far from being homophobic and racist and she’s a very open minded person, like really. neither of us have ever had a coming out, and none of us plan on doing it. I totally understand the necessity for some people to come out to their relatives and all that, but here’s why I personally refuse to do it: I don’t get why I have to tell people I'm not straight. I think it only fuels the fact that being straight is seen as the norm, because do straight people ever announce they are straight? exactly. being queer (gay, lesbian, pan, ace, whatever) is not abnormal, it’s not unnatural, so I refuse to have to scream it to everyone, and I don’t mean by that that I'm trying to hide my queerness, because I'm very open and honest about it, and I always have been. I hope one day, we won���t need to come out anymore and that people will stop assuming our sexuality. until then, I'll let people get flustered whenever I imply that I'm not straight without having ever stated it clearly before because fuck that shit. 

anygays. so, like I said, I've always been very open and honest about my romantic and sexual orientation. I know lots of bi/pan people “realise” they are queer when they’re a bit older, during their teenage years or early adulthood, but (un)fortunately I am not one of those. I have literally always known I liked girls too (in the first place, I mean). actually, I’ve always thought attraction and romance were about the person, like, I mean it was an evidence to me ever since I was a child, and how can I explain that I got slapped in the face when I discovered that it was not a universal thing, that it was not “the truth”. so there I was, in the middle of elementary school, openly saying I liked girls in front of everyone because I thought it was normal. I mean, it is, but you get what I mean. 

on top of that, the term “pansexual” has been occulted and invalidated for years, and most people didn’t even know of it until like maybe 3 years ago. remember, I'm 19, and there I was in middle school at 13 years old telling people I was pansexual when they’d barely even heard of bisexuality (while everyone else was like ‘I'm straight!! ew the gays’ btw). honestly, I cannot count how many times I've been called a pedophile, a necrophile and zoophile. by my very own friends, yes. 

same with high school, but I'm not going to repeat myself. just for the precision: no, I have never been physically or mentally bullied for that, however, I was mocked a lot because of how tall I am (I was 1m73/5′7 at 14) and because I can be quite androgynous since I don’t have big boobs. I have large hips though, so those fucking males didn’t miss the chance to pick on me for that too. obviously though if I've never been full on bullied it’s because: 1. I've always had friends and I've never been a ‘loner nerd’, 2. I was tall and intimidating, 3. I was respected for my intelligence and grades and wasn’t being full of myself about being a top student, and 4. because I was neither fat nor a person of colour, obviously, and those are privileges I'm very aware of. I have still been called a ‘woman with a dick’ and other transphobic shit and was often treated as if I were a boy, though. 

I still identify as a girl. I have been so, so complexed about so many things about my physical appearance for so long, I can’t count how many hours I have spent looking at my naked reflection in the mirror, feeling disgusted, wishing I had bigger boobs and that I would “look more like a girl” and so on. how much I have hated my body is something I can’t even measure. as of today, I've realised there is no such thing as “looking like a girl” and I've made a lot of progress on liking my overall appearance and accepting my body, sometimes I even think I'm hot™ and definitely think men don’t deserve me but for some fucking reason I can’t choose my sexuality (crazy right) and I still am attracted both romantically and sexually to them :/ 

anyways. now you know how long I've known that I'm a pansexual and throughout all these years, every time someone talked about the community or when pride came, no one mentioned us pansexuals, and I've seen us being invalidated so many times I really started doubting myself. I was like, “it’s like being bisexual, I'm just being butthurt and pushing it too far” but at the same time I never stopped calling myself pansexual. to some people, it’s just a preference in the choice of words to say you’re bi or pan, but to me there is a difference, even if it’s the smallest ever, and yes. being bi and being pan are “basically the same thing” and both orientations are very close but that very difference means everything to me. I am attracted to people, romantically and sexually, regardless of their gender. that is exactly it. and it’s very important to me.

I'm sorry if this is a mess, it’s hard to say things in the right order when I have so much to say, but I'm going to go back to what I was saying in the beginning about my family. I talked about my mom. my parents have been separated since I was 6 and haven’t spoken to each other in like 12 years btw. so, as for my dad, I know he wouldn’t care. he’s not homophobic, not racist. he does say homophobic and racist things sometimes, without realising it, like a lot of people do, and that doesn’t make him a homophobe. I know he doesn’t care if I'm gay, and I feel good just knowing that. however, remember, my family is italian. everyone around us is 100% straight (except for my cousins, I'm pretty sure one of them is bi-curious and the other is ace, but they aren’t open about this at all and have probably never questioned their sexuality lmao) and then there are my sister and I in the middle of it, and we’re like “yup, we’re the gay cousins”. the italian side of my family is huge. like really, my father has a total of 24 cousins (and I don’t mean the little ones and all that, I mean first degree cousins), so imagine how many of us there are in total when you’re counting everyone’s kids, spouses, grandkids and great-grandkids (you read that well, some of his cousins are old, some are even deceased). and they’re italian. and 100% into their religious set of mind that has them believe their god forbids being gay and that we’ll burn in hell. whatever, would’ve been going there anyway, gay or not so it’s not like I care, all the more reasons to be a fag. 

and yes I have proof they are racist and homophobic, I've heard the things they’ve said. so, I, whomst has had depression for basically all her life and also has every existing form of anxiety there is, don’t exactly feel comfortable around these people. and on top of being gay, I listen to “Ching Chong music”!!! how do I have to put into words that I know exactly what they think of me? I even have blue hair now so like, blending in even less than before. so yeah. 

to add on to that feeling of worthlessness, when I entered high school, I was still a top student without doing any type of work whatsoever, but then depression got the best of me (like for real this time how am I even still alive tbh) and I fell so hard I could barely stand going to school anymore. my last two years of high school (it lasts 3 years in France) have been disastrous. I barely attended and could barely manage keeping my grades above average, because I had zeros on 99% of my homework since I never did it. still had good enough grades on tests though, and it saved my ass. 

honestly, I don’t even want to talk about these years and how I was feeling, because it’s still too fresh for me and I'm stil trying (yes, trying) to heal from it. I can say without a doubt that they were some of the worst years of my life though. however final exams came and my ass managed to get a really good grade without revising anything, this way I could send a big, huge, fuck off to my teachers who had been shitting in my face for years and making me feel like the hugest shit on earth. I hope they choke on their jealousy. then I went to uni for about three months, where I majored in English, but eventually decided to stop because I couldn’t go a day without having a panic attack on the train, because I still couldn’t get my ass to do any work, because I was bored out of my mind and just when I had started feeling better after leaving high school I was sinking further down. I spent months staying home without seeing anyone but my mom and doing nothing but watching Netflix (the French catalogue isn’t as interesting as the American one btw). then, I finally found the guts to go see a therapist. not gonna say it was a mistake, but I'm glad I stopped because this bitch was just here to take my money. I took antidepressants for a few months, and I have stopped really recently, actually. in all honesty, I have gotten much better, thanks to my own doing, I've worked so hard on getting better and I'm proud of how far I've come. 

today, I can finally say for the first time ever in my life that I am proud of who I am. 

the whole point of saying all of this shit you have (maybe) read is not because I want people to give attention to me or anything like, I don’t want pity or anything and truly don’t think there are any reasons for people to feel any pity towards me. I'm saying this because I want to thank the people around me for just existing, for supporting me, for making me feel validated. because you might not realise it, but (a lot of) you are often talking about your problems, and it makes me realise that I'm not the only one feeling this kind of way. it makes me realise there are people who might understand me, even just a little. and when I see you talking about your sexual/romantic orientation (or lack of so) it also makes me feel accepted. I see you guys reblog such validating things, and then some of you even have pride flags in your layouts, and you have no idea how my heart feels about it. if you weren’t aware, I'm a twitter person. I've spent so much time on there, I have met lots of people, lots of which are part of the community and openly supporting it, and yet I have never felt more validated than since I've been on here. 

I've also met the people I consider “the most” as my internet best friends on here, like my best best internet friends, if that makes sense lmao, and not actually on twitter (although I might be pushing it because I have actually gone from IVL to IRL with most of them so like... whatever.) point is: I have met amazing friends I'm so thankful for on here. and all the people I see in my dash, to all of you, thanks for everything too even if we don’t really talk and if we haven’t had actual discussions before. now if you want to, you can always come to me to talk about whatever the fuck you want. 

so, here, I want to thank all of you, because today I'm finally starting to think maybe, just maybe, that I want to keep on living and that good things might happen to me. I have no plans for the future, since I never imagined myself getting this far in life, but I'm still willing to give it a try. 

please, if after you’re reading this, you’re thinking about telling me cliché things about staying strong and all that, I'm going to ask you not to do it. it just feels like pity to me. or choose your words wisely, I'm begging you, because I can’t stand thinking anyone would pity me. please don’t feel like that, that’s not the point of this.

I'm doing this as a thank you, and as a message to everyone out there who’s read this. I hope my words mean something to you. maybe help you? it’s ok to be confused about who you are. it’s ok not to like yourself, it takes so much work to get better and all that, but just know that you can do it, it is possible to do it. it takes time, it will hurt, but it’s an option. it’s not impossible. 

now. I have some people I want to send a quick message to. I guess some of you will be surprised, but just read what I have to say please, and know that from the bottom of my heart, I mean it.

@hwangwhatjin Emily. I don’t even know where to start, and soon I won’t even be able to see what I'm typing anymore because the tears I've been fighting while writing all this crap have started flowing all of a sudden the second I typed your name. you’re the first friend I made on here. we started off nothing, and I was a no one, and yet you still talked to me and all that. you’re honestly one of the most tolerant and kind people I have ever met in my life. you’re the exact opposite of prejudiced, you’re so open minded, so not giving a shit about other people’s quirks (I mean it in the right way) that don’t concern you directly, like people are who they are and you don’t give a damn about it, it’s amazing. I know this doesn’t sound like a compliment, but I can’t find the right way to put this. you’ve also always been there to listen to me whenever I wanted you to, and you have never judged me once. you have no idea how thankful I am for having you in my life. I wouldn’t want to have anyone else hold the title of bro. I love you so, so much, and I'm sorry we haven’t been talking lately. I hope I can help you just like you’ve helped me and support you as much as you need me to in the future, and I want you to know I'll always be there for you, I'll never let you down. you have no idea how much I can’t wait to meet you so I can wrap you in a blanket and give you hot chocolate while I light up a gingerbread scented candle (yes, I remember) and put on some blink-182 and stroke your hair because it’s what you deserve. you’re one of my best friends, like ever, and it’s such a pain we’re so far from each other, fuck this damn channel. one day I'll just swim to you to hear your wonderful accent you say you hate so much. anything to see you. I'm sorry I'm so old, I wish it were less of a problem, but as you grow up this gap will be less and less of an obstacle, so let’s just be patient, yeah? I love you, bro. roach bros to the end of the line.

@pikachulein Laura. ok. where do I start and how do I stop my eyes from sweating so much. you know, I'm just gonna say it. in my opinion, soulmates aren’t the people we’re especially meant to be with in a romantic way, and we might even have several of them. I just think they’re people who just bring you so much, and people who are like another version of you, but different. kind of like I described in my Felix au, actually. when I call you my soulmate, I really mean it, because I'd never thought I'd meet someone who understands me so well because they relate so much, someone who basically shares the same mind because hell, when have we ever had different thoughts on something like... it will never cease to amaze me. it’s only been a few months since we’ve known each other, but I actually think you’re one of my closest friends. hell, on the day we meet, because I'm not taking no for an answer, I don’t even know how I'll be holding up like, I won’t know how to act. so in advance, I'm sorry if I'm so weird at first. you’ve listened to the story of my whole life and you’ve shared your experience back, and you have no idea how thankful I am for that. maybe you haven’t realised, but you’ve been of a huge help to me. thank you for being so understanding, for not judging me, for being so open about everything with me, thank god I have someone with whom I can talk about literally any subject without it feeling uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. I have so many things to say I can’t even find the words, honestly. I’m just so thankful that you exist and that I have you in my life, and that you actually like me as a person too. thanks so much. you’re my best bitch, together we’re the baddest bitches of the pan squad and I can’t wait to travel across Europe with you for real. the world ain’t ready for us. 

@hanniesunshine Isabel. you’re just the biggest ray of sunshine ever. everything about you is so pure I'm even scared to be one of the people you talk to because I feel like you don’t deserve to talk to me (I mean like you deserve much better than me) and that I'm way too filthy for you. you’re always so good and kind to me, so, so supportive, and I can’t even thank you enough for that. honestly, every time I see you somewhere, kakaotalk, WhatsApp, Tumblr, I just can’t help but smile because you’re the purest and brightest being the earth has ever seen and I can’t believe you would actually want to talk to someone like me. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry for being such a cold bitch (and for using this word) sometimes, and for almost never finding the right words. thanks for always being so eager about reading my content. I'll keep supporting you, and I'll do better in everything!! I love you, so, so much. I'll always be there for you if you need me or want me. 

@sleepyracha Marie. I'm so, so sorry I'm so inconsistent and that I don’t talk to you as much as I used to, I hope we’re still okay. I just want to thank you for being the open minded person you’ve shown me you are and for supporting me all the time, and for very interesting conversations about literally anything. I promise I'm learning Spanish and that soon we’ll be able to talk together in another language than English. I hope you’re doing well and that you know I'm always there for you, and if Tumblr isn’t the best place for you, tell me where you want me to be for you. congrats on passing this year, you’re someone amazing and you’re so chill, it feels so good to see someone like that. thank you for even talking to me in the first place, thank you so much and I love you. 

@lesbianbias Nina. you’re such a soft and pure person, I'm so glad you were my skz anon and that I got to meet a wonderful person like you. you’re always showering me with love, and I always feel like I don’t deserve it. thanks so much for all the support, please, please never change. I love you and you’re amazing. thank you for being so chill as well. I'll make sure I'll return that love to you. 

@xiaocity siya. thank you so much for listening to me, you know what I'm referring to. I know you’re one of those who really deeply understands me and I'm thankful we got to talk, even just a bit. I'm always there if you need me, thank you for supporting me and my works, and be more confident in your writing, it’s good!! I think we actually have a lot in common too, so if you ever feel like talking, feel free to drop by in my dms.

@littlefallenrebel Sophie. we haven’t talked that much, but I feel like we should talk more. we have a lot more in common than we think, I'm sure of it. thank you for being you, thank you for the messages you’ve been spreading with your posts and reblogs. you’re an amazing person and I'm happy you’re my mutual because you’re a truly good person. 

@visualgiggles sam. thank you for your reblogs, whatever they’re about they never fail to cheer me up, whether they’re about tolerance or just memes, even the latter help me regain faith in humanity. we haven’t talked that much but I would gladly talk some more with you if you ever wanted to. you’re a wonderful person and I'm thankful you’re my mutual. 

@dreamypansexual I don’t think we’ve ever talked, I'm not even sure I know your name so I don’t want to say something wrong. but that doesn’t matter, because you’re still one of the people who make me feel the most validated here. hell, you literally have a pan flag as your layout (your user... I mean yeah). your posts are always making me feel so much better because it proves me that there are still such tolerant and open people out there, so thank you. 

@cloudyyboii honestly, I think it’s kind of the same as with your friend right above between me and you. it doesn’t matter though, thanks for the validation and the tolerance you’re spreading around. love you. 

@jxsng Kylie. I don’t think we’ve ever had a private conversation, but whatever. you’ve shown me lots of supports in every other way and you’re such a sweet and open person, I'm thankful you’re my mutual. I feel small next to people like you because I feel like you hold the whole world in your hands, you’re one of those meant to go places and it shows. I'll always support you too. thank you for everything and I love you.

@ggukksrose shims. you’re definitely one of the people who make me feel validated the most, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I always see you sticking up for others and telling the haters to go fuck off, and you even did that with me. you’re an amazing person, and I admire you for the confidence you’ve managed to achieve and I wish you the best in the future, I hope you’ll only get better and better with your fights and if anyone ever messes with you I'll be throwing hands. just say the word. I love you. 

@cypher-yngi Emerson, am I wrong? we’ve never talked though we’ve been mutuals for so long. from what I've seen, we have a lot in common and I'd be more than ok to have even a simple conversation with you, even if you said Orangina was good. you’re also one of those who have helped me feel valid and realise I'm not alone in this world, so if you’re ever feeling alone, and if you want to, let’s be alone together, maybe? gotta love FOB. also, you have amazing music taste. and you're a fellow yoongi stan, and that itself says a lot about the kind of person you are. thanks for existing and I love you.

@wonwonbebe ah... have you ever told me what your name was? I have terrible memory. doesn’t really matter. I love you, I'm so thankful that you were my anon and can’t believe you actually went through all that just to talk to me. you have no idea how thankful I am. you’re a wonderful person, and I'm so, so happy to see that my mutuals are all so amazing and tolerant. thanks for all the positivity. 

@psycho-robin-chan robin, right? we’ve talked a bit before. if you read what’s above, you’ll probably find some parts a bit familiar, haha. I actually loved this conversation with you, if that makes sense? it’s always interesting and it feels good to let it out. I also like seeing I'm not alone, and I like to think that when I speak about such things with people I might also be helping them feel better. so thanks, you also make me feel valid with your posts and reblogs, and you’re such a tolerant and open and chill person at such a young age. never change anything! thanks for being here and supporting me. 

@mirohell sage! we haven’t been mutuals for long, and I'm not expecting you to read everything I've written, it’s ok if you don’t, really. I just wanted to thank you real quick because you’re already showing me lots of support and I feel like we’ll be getting along well. if you want to read this, I'm sorry for putting so much on your shoulders so quick lmao, you’ll basically be knowing so much about me without having asked for anything. feel free not to read it, I'm repeating myself again but really, the actual important part of this post is this one where I thank you all individually. so thank you!! I'll do my best in supporting you in the future as well, and not only by showing your edits some love haha

@theminho min! we haven’t been mutuals for long either, but thank you for caring about me. thanks for even just following me. thanks for this message you’ve sent, it means a lot really. you don’t have to read all that I've written above either,, don’t feel pressured, I just wanted to thank you personally too for just being here and for the support. feel free to come talk to me whenever you want (if you ever want) and I'll be supporting you always!! 

@justlovingkpop my sweetheart, you’re just too cute and so supportive and loving. thank you so, so much for everything and for coming to talk to me!! I'll go reread some of your work soon to because I've missed it. thanks for existing, and know that I'm always there for you. love you lots. 

@strawb-milk-tea my babyyyy I'm going to repeat it but thank you and I love you and you’re so cute and you’re NOT a potato ok, you’re so, so pretty like I knew I was gay but phew... I feel valid too when I see you. long live the gays. 

@five-pence hey there! it’s been a while. hope you’re doing well. thank you for supporting me, thank you for making me feel valid as well, and I love you very much. I'm here whenever. 

@jooheonenthusiast yo. we’ve basically only talked bc of that one post I made, and it’s been enough to show me that you’re an amazing person and a bad bitch. thanks for your support and fuck the homophobes. I love you. 

@marriael adellum. you’re a really kind person. you’re so pure. and you make me me feel very much valid, love your profile pics from the last days by the way. thanks for existing and I'm glad you’ve joined us on the network, it’s a pleasure to have someone like you around. hope I'm not too much of a pain in the ass. 

@channiiebby gryphon. we’ve never talked privately, but you’re a sweetheart. thanks for being you. you’re valid and you know it, and that makes me feel valid too, so thanks for showing me it’s okay to be who you are. I love you.

that’s it. I'm out of words. I've been at this for like 2 hours now. if I think of anyone else, I'll just reblog and add them. but right now I feel totally empty because of all the emotion hive poured into all this and I need to recharge, so good night and I love you all. thank you for your time and attention. 

happy pride month everyone,

your friendly neighbourhood pansexual, zia. 

#on this note #good night everyone #I love y'all #rants #personal #<33 #sorry for bothering you all with this

[d-c-o]

Questions

* 1. To an extent, yeah. I can’t date somebody if I’m not at least attractive to them.

* 2. Depends on the person.

* 3. Nope.

* 4. Happily single and working on myself.

* 5. Nope.

* 6. Yes.

* 7. Obviously, it’s not hard.

* 8. I don’t have one.

* 9. Can vibe, likes the same music I do, and shares the same qualities and traits I want in a partner.

* 10. Nope.

* 11. Eventually, that’s an ultimate end goal.

* 12. Nope, I cut ties immediately if so.

* 13. Not really. I only get jealous when it’s warranted.

* 14. Ehhhh, not really.

* 15. One on my left ear.

* 16. Nope, but I plan to this year. Actually went to the tattoo shop last night as my best friend got his 1st LOL.

* 17. Yeah, I can fuck with PDA to an extent.

* 20. I shower twice every day.

* 21. I know some that do but they just aren’t for me lol.

* 22. Yeah refer to 21.

* 23. That’s easy af.

* 24. That would make me 30 years old, so I sure hope so LMAO.

* 25. When it happens, it’ll happen. It’s not a priority.

* 26. Yeah, but none of them meant it LOL.

* 27. No, but that would be hella sweet if they did.

* 28. Looooooool, yep..

* 29. Absolutely not.

* 30. No thanks.

* 31. Unfortunately yes.

* 32. Refer to 31’s answer.

* 33. No.

* 34. Yeah.

* 35. Yeah at a rave, AHAHAHA.

*36. Nah, but if I found somebody like her, it’d be nice.

* 37. Yeah, my last ex.. LMAO.

* 38. Of course.

* 39. Who hasn’t, let’s be honest.

* 40. Yes I have, multiple times.

* 41. Nope, in hella need of it though.

* 42. Few minutes top.

* 43. 3 years and 10 months.

* 44. I think like 9? But only 3 were considered truly serious to me.

* 45. I can’t remember that shit bruh, LOL.

* 46. Not as much as I’d like.

* 47. 25.

* 48. It would hurt, but I’d be genuinely happy for them and hope it works out.

* 49. The affection and wanting my attention for sure.

* 50. Hell no, I’d slam the door right away AHAHA.

* 51. My best friend, Kiefer. We would literally take a bullet for each other. Been through thick and thin for over 10 years with him.

* 52. Last person I could think of is is my last ex. She was just too toxic and I couldn’t allow my energy to be drained further.

* 53. Nah, but if they did.. I wouldn’t give a fuck honestly.

* 54. Both of my dogs that past away.

* 55. Too long, literally kdrama worthy AHAHA.

* 56. Way too much to think of. Only thing I can say is I get told I have a baby face soooo yeah.

* 57. Not worth my time saying anything to any of them lmao.

* 58. 1) Be loyal 2) Be honest 3) Be affectionate 4) Be there whenever I need it emotionally wise 5) Effort over talking.

* 59. My main picture or VSCO has dem selfies man.

* 60. Only like 2-4 year differences between them.

* 61. Their smile or the way they dress.

* 62. Grab my crotch in public while nobody’s looking AHAHAHA.

* 63. Dick goes into the pussy.

* 64. Shady ass shit like hiding things, and obviously shit like kissing somebody that’s not their partner.

* 65. I have way too many to pick lmao.

* 66. A steamy makeout session with hickies on my neck especially >>>>>>

* 67. Just having good vibes with a person who has their attention fixated on me.

* 68. Straight.

* 69. Bad hygiene, being a starfish, and not even moaning. Its the most driest kind of sex ever LMAO.

* 70. Lots of moaning, calling me shit like daddy, hickies, and of course digging nails in my back.

* 71. Ain’t gonna describe it, but it was with a girl I previously had a thing with. Ended up booty calling her, and yeah.. you know the rest HAHAHAHA.

* 72. Fuck me harder, choke me, cum for/on/over me or cum inside me, and daddy. Dirty talk >>>

* 73. Easy af, don’t take me granted and not make me feel like I’m just getting used for attention or money.

* 74. Mmm, probably being entitled to everything.

* 75. I really can’t recall the last time unfortunately lmao.

* 76. Surprised a previous girl I had a thing with by dropping her off dem Asian snacks and bubble tea without her knowing I was coming by, since she was stressed from school along with having her time of the month.

* 77. Anything more than 5 is too much for me.

* 78. Lol, that’s way too personal AHAHA.

* 79. Last ex, because some raunchy ass anon was sending her sexual shit and her responses made me felt like she entertained it. Glad that kind of shit is no longer in my life to deal with anymore.

* 80. At a rave two weeks ago, told my best friend “I love you, broooo” since I was hella buzzed LOL.

* 81. Dannie Riel, Donnah Pham and any of them hot ass ABG’s that reside in Australia or California 😂.

* 82. The tattoo artist last night.

* 83. An ex from 8th grade.

* 84. Because she was too toxic, I was way too good to her, and her apologies meant shit in the end, as she repeated the kind of BS that caused me to drop her in the first place. Second chances mean shit.

* 85. I’d had several and they all failed, so I’d rather not ever again.

#that took forever lol

[wickedsingularity]

Until Next Time [Chapter 12]

Banner by PhoenixAlthor @ TDA

The hand on my heart clenched painfully. I stiffened and gritted my teeth. My eyes stung and I couldn't breathe. I was there. I had reached the point where it hurt so bad I didn't know how to live for one more second.

War. We do what we can to find comfort and hope.

Remus Lupin x OC Warnings: Blood magic including the use of knives, dark wounds, Dementors, depression, anxiety, rough lemon as a coping mechanism. This one is dark in so many ways. You have been warned. Words: 4168

Note: I'm not tagging this one (or any of my future Wizarding World stories) with my "permanent tags" anymore, as the audience for my Wizarding World fanfiction is barely existent here on tumblr. If you want to be tagged in this series, or anything Wizarding World, please let me know.

Chapter 11 | Masterlist | Chapter 13

Blood Ward

I’m sorry. I failed you.

After almost five months of planning and implementing new wards, we were finally ready for the last one, and this one had taken time. It was a blood ward, basically dark magic, tying all of us to that stone structure in the middle of the North Sea. We had been at it for nearly two weeks and today was the day we were going to implement it. It had been mentally and physically exhausting getting to this point, and it was no less exhausting draining our blood and doing the incantations.

At midnight every night since the last full moon, we had all put twelve drops of our blood into a vial. Twelve nights later, there were twelve full vials. And all twelve of us were out there out on the island, on a Saturday because of the timing. This was the strongest ward ever put on the prison, supposed to ward off dark and intrusive magic from within and outside. And it was like the Dementors knew, because all through these last weeks of preparation, they seemed to almost try to sabotage us in the way several of them were hovering near where we worked or floating after us through the prison. It was very unusual behaviour for them, and to be on the safe side, we called in a few Aurors and a couple of people from the Being Division to keep an eye on them during this ceremony. The strength it took to keep up the Patronus Shield was enormous on any ordinary day and we couldn't afford any slip-ups on this particular ward, it could kill us all.

At twelve carefully calculated points throughout the prison, we found ourselves. Each with their own vial of blood, their wand and a knife, facing the outer stone wall. At twelve past noon, it began, my vial hovering in front of me as I cast a spell, hearing the exact same words echoing around me. It seemed even the prisoners knew something was up, as they were all unusually quiet. The blood in the vial rose like a thin rope, divided itself in the middle and floated left and right until it connected with the next person's rope of blood, creating a red helix up through the prison. A new incantation echoed off the stone walls, wands drawing intricate patterns in the air. Our voices grew louder and louder with each repetition of the words, reaching a booming crescendo at the twelfth repetition.

I whipped my wand up towards the rope of blood, and it rose quickly through the levels, the helix melting into a whole circle at the top. It glowed an eerie red for a moment, and then it dropped like a waterfall, colouring the walls a deep red. Then I switched my wand for the knife, setting the sharp goblin-made-blade against the inside of my left hand. I glanced quickly at Walter, who stood at one of the three corners and saw he was ready. Then all as one, the twelve of us pulled the knives down. Pain shot through my hand, but before I let myself get distracted by it, I placed my bleeding palm on the wall in front of me. It was unnaturally warm to the touch and kind of soothing for the pain. The first incantation echoed around the prison now as we repeated it together. And as the last syllable ended, the red on the walls faded away and the stone cooled down.

It had taken three hours and the effort had drenched me in sweat. My hair was plastered to my head and my sweater clung to my back underneath my cloak. We had all managed to cast the spell and set the ward while keeping up our Patronus Shield. Everyone was just as exhausted as they packed up their things to go straight home. I had volunteered to file the paperwork on the wards at the Ministry and was gathering all the parchments when everyone left.

I was so exhausted, but I cast a spell to fit the rolls of parchments into my pocket. I could feel the Patronus Shield wavering a bit, so I focused harder on the happy memory and walked out the door to the brooms. Then I cast the usual charms to keep the wind and the rain away. But as the last spell took effect, I felt the Shield drop.

A chill that had nothing to do with the weather crept over me. It seeped into the very marrow of my bones, and fear clutched at my heart. I felt the Dementors gliding closer from every corner and level. They felt that my Shield was down, they knew I was finally an easy target for them to feed on.

I stood paralysed. I felt a literal block inside my mind at even thinking about casting a simple Lumos, there was no way I could erect the Patronus Shield again. There were spells in place to keep me from Apparating from here, not that I thought I could manage it. There were no means to call for help. Apart from the prisoners, I was the only human left there.

The rattling breaths came closer, I could hear it. Forcing through my petrified state, my arm reached out and took hold of my broom. Unable to throw my leg over it to mount, I just rolled onto it, trusting the magic in it would keep me from tumbling to the floor. If I could make it outside the wards where the Dementors couldn't affect me, maybe I could manage to Apparate to the Ministry.

They were getting close. A chance to get at one of those that had denied them any kind of feeling for so many years must be a great victory for them. I don't think anyone who had ever worked as an Azkaban Security Official had ever been a victim of the Dementors, accidental or otherwise.

The broom rose in the air and the motion nearly unseated me. I leaned forward and it accelerated, the Dementors picking up speed as well. Every inch forward felt like it took forever, and I leant as far as I could, urging the broom on but also because I didn't have the energy to sit upright. The edge of the wards was getting closer and the thought of it had adrenalin surging through me. Time sped up and I was close, closer...

A bony hand landed on my shoulder and I shrieked in panic. I whipped my head around and looked right into the face of a Dementor. The decayed, soulless face somehow triumphant. A lipless mouth open in a large hole, ready to get the thing it had always been denied.

This was it. I'm sorry, Albus, I thought. I failed you.

But then suddenly the hand disappeared, scratching through my cloak as I slipped away from it. The shock and pain made me and the broom drop several feet. Arms and legs clutching the stick of wood for dear life, I managed to balance it. I must have reached the end of the wards; they couldn't follow through it unless we let them.

An immense breath of relief left me and then everything was black.

"She's coming to," I heard a muffled voice say.

Gentle, but calloused hands began touching my face – feeling my forehead, checking my pulse, opening my eyelids. The short moment each eye was open, I saw Madam Pomfrey hovering over me. "She's not awake yet," the matron declared.

"But her eyes fluttered and she made a sound." Was that Tonks?

"Her vitals are good, but she isn't awake," Pomfrey repeated and I felt her retreat.

I was awake, I just couldn't open my eyes, they felt like they were glued together. I tried to speak. My mouth opened, but I couldn't get the words out, tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth it was so dry.

"There! See!" Tonks cried out and I felt her presence come closer, the surface I was on shift.

Madam Pomfrey leaned over again and I felt something moist in my throat. I opened and closed my mouth a few times to get rid of the sandpaper feeling. "I'm awake," I managed to croak out. "I just..." I fought hard with myself to open my eyes, it was like trying to tear a stone in half with my bare hands, and what felt like minutes – but was probably just seconds – later, I finally managed.

I blinked a few times, and Tonks and Pomfrey came into focus, both right next to my bed, the first looking relieved, the latter apprehensive.

"How do you feel?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"Like I've been trampled by trolls," I said and Tonks chuckled nervously. "What happened? Where am I?"

"We're at headquarters," Tonks explained. "You crashed your broom into the Apparition station outside Azkaban. You never showed up at the Ministry, so I went back, and you were unconscious. I brought you here and sent for Madam Pomfrey, not sure it was safe for St. Mungo's to get involved. What happened before you crashed?"

"Don't answer anything yet," Pomfrey ordered. "You need to get some strength back into you. You've had a concussion and quite a few bumps and bruises, a dislocated shoulder among them. Here." She held out a goblet with water. Tonks gently helped me to sit up, packing pillows behind my back. My head spun from the effort, but as soon as Pomfrey poured the cold drink past my lips, the world righted itself. A few potions were held out in front of me as well, and I was ordered to drink them all. Each one made me feel more and more like my old self, even though my limbs were a bit stiff and slow.

There was a knock on the door and Tonks opened it. Kingsley was there, worry etched across his face. "You're awake. A few of us are waiting in the kitchen when you're ready."

"For what?" I asked.

"The condition Tonks found you in was most grave. As soon as she delivered you here, she sent me a message and I went to Azkaban to check, and what I saw was quite... interesting. I think we both need to tell our stories of the day's events."

I nodded gravely. "I'm ready." As gracefully as I could, I got out of bed to Madam Pomfrey's huffs, but she helped support me as I followed Kingsley out and down two flights of stairs into the kitchen. Not many were there, thankfully. Albus, Remus, Sirius, Mundungus and Hestia. Tonks and Kingsley found seats, and Albus straightened up as Madam Pomfrey guided me to a seat.

My old headmaster looked at me with concern behind his half-moon spectacles. I gave him a weak smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore and weak. Like I've been trampled by trolls." The familiar feeling of someone's eyes on me burned on my skin, but I refused to look at anyone else. I felt like I couldn't keep it together if I looked at those eyes now, and I hated that.

Albus nodded and reached over to squeeze my hand quickly. "Madam Pomfrey will see to it that you recover quickly. But first, we need to hear. I've already informed everyone that you were found unconscious after crashing into the Apparition centre at Azkaban. But that is all I've been told. What happened?"

"I'm sure you're all aware that we were setting up the final ward today. It's a blood ward, and it's really complicated. All of the wards are, but this one is the most intricate I've seen my entire life. I... I think I overspent myself. The others left, and I was going to file the paperwork at the Ministry before I went home. And when I went to get my broom, I..." My voice faltered. I had looked at Albus during this entire time, but now I found my eyes wandering, and as they passed Remus' face, I nearly lost it. Grinding my teeth and collecting myself, I managed to continue. "My Shield fell." It felt like I had failed at life by saying it, but I had to tell the truth. "They came after me, but I didn't have the strength to cast it again. I took off on my broom and could barely stay on it. One of them almost got me. It... Mouth open... But I reached the edge of the wards and it fell back." Subconsciously I lifted my left shoulder and felt something sting slightly.

"The Dementor's fingers scratched through her cloak and clothes," Madam Pomfrey explained. "I can't heal a dark wound like that. You'll have the scars, dear."

I nodded, I could live with a few scars, as long as I still had my soul. "That's all I remember," I finished, looking down at my hands in my lap. "Until I woke up here."

"I found her," Tonks said. "She never showed up at the Ministry, so I went back to check. She had crashed through the window and headfirst into a table there. She can't have laid there for long, but she was drenched and ice-cold from the rain blowing through the broken window."

"I must have fainted the moment I passed the wards," I muttered. I hated this, being the centre of attention, and for something like this, something I failed at... The fear I had felt being chased by a band of Dementors... No, I forced it down.

"I brought her here immediately and sent for Albus and Kingsley, and Albus sent for Madam Pomfrey."

"Her magic was spent," Albus explained. "Having worked on the ward all day, while keeping up the Patronus Shield. The Shield alone takes a tremendous amount of strength. Imagine a Patronus Charm, ten times over, for hours every day."

The room held a quiet awe and it made me feel more uncomfortable.

Madam Pomfrey hadn't told me about the magic. The idea that I had spent it all, was terrifying. If it had happened only seconds later, I wouldn't have been here. I would have been Kissed and then fallen soulless off my broom and drowned in the North Sea. Ice-cold fear gripped at my heart, and I looked up to catch Remus' eyes, but he wasn't drilling his gaze through me anymore. He was looking intently at Albus, who was explaining about depleted magic before Kingsley told everyone what he had seen at Azkaban. I should have paid attention, but I couldn't concentrate anymore.

"The next meeting stand as is. Good night, everyone." Albus ended the impromptu meeting and swept out of the room with a quick squeeze on my uninjured shoulder before I even knew what had happened.

Everyone else began climbing the stairs too, Madam Pomfrey hovering behind me. Up in the hall, Hestia, Kingsley and Mundungus gave me a "feel better" and then left. I moved to walk up to the room I woke up in to gather my things, but Madam Pomfrey stopped me.

"I would have liked to take you back to the Hospital Wing, but that might lead to questions we don't want asked. I want you to stay here overnight, so they can keep an eye on you and alert me immediately if your condition changes. But I don't expect it will."

"Of course," Remus said immediately. Sirius nodded next to him.

"I'll check in on all of them in the morning," Tonks said. "Can't trust these wizards to be good nurses." She winked at me, and I smiled weakly.

"You also need to take a week off work," Madam Pomfrey continued. "I can't in good conscience send you back until I'm sure your magic is fully restored. I'll come back at lunchtime tomorrow, and I want to see you here for another check up on Tuesday."

I just nodded, starting to feel antsy and anxious, needing to get some time alone to let all this sink in.

Madam Pomfrey left, and I said goodnight to Sirius, Tonks and Remus, finally catching the latter's eye. I saw concern there and the need to get away grew. I didn't want concern – I didn't deserve concern. I hurried as fast as I could up the stairs to the room that was now my home for the night.

The door closed behind me with a faint click and I finally had the chance to take in the decor. It was just as dark and dreary as the rest of the house. Dark green, dirty curtains pulled shut over the windows. Dark, worn furniture and the typical large canopy bed with winding, sneaking snakes carved into the four pillars.

I sat down on the bed, glanced at the potions Madam Pomfrey left for me on a tray on one of the bedside tables. One had the label Pepper-Up Potion, one said Dreamless Sleep and the last read Sleeping Draught. Dreamless Sleep might be needed tonight.

I saw my wand next to the potions. My magic is depleted? "Lumos." A barely-there wisp of light blossomed at the tip of it but was gone in less than a second. Even as the Dementors chased me, it hadn't made me feel as defenceless as I did now. You-know-who could come bursting through the door and I didn't even have enough magic to cast the Tickling Charm on him.

With disgust, I threw the wand onto the bedside table so hard it slid right off and clattered against the wall, then I crawled further onto the bed, sitting against the headboard and staring blindly at the intricate snakelike circles that adorned the wallpaper. An Azkaban Security Official who had nearly been Kissed by Dementors. What a failure. What shame. It was the most useless I had felt in my entire life. What good was I anymore.

I don't know how long I sat there, but it must have been well past midnight when I suddenly jumped off the bed, arranged the covers to make it look like I was sleeping there and hurried up to the third floor as quietly as I could, knocking gently on the fourth door on the left.

It swung open to reveal Remus still fully dressed. "Hi," he said and stepped aside to let me in. The moment the door closed behind me the need filled me. I ran over to him and he opened his arms just in time for me to crash my lips upon his and start ripping off his clothes. He kissed back with earnest, but when I reached his pants, he grabbed my hands and held them still as a shield between us. "Do you really want this now?"

I nodded.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You're well enough for this?"

"Yes, dammit."

He looked me in the eyes for what seemed like forever and my patience was growing thin. But then he let my arms go and began tearing at my clothes too. The ache between my legs grew to new heights as our skin made contact, and I groaned when Remus pressed himself against me. He was growing harder by the second and I wanted to taste and touch him, but something deep inside me needed to fuck first, drive the fear out, empty my mind of all about my failure.

Almost as if he could read my mind, Remus grabbed my thighs and lifted me up. One simple movement and he was inside. I forced myself down as far as I could go. He spun us around and we fell onto the bed, the impact of it pushing him so deep it hurt and the breath was knocked out of me. That's what I needed.

Before I could catch my breath, I urged him on by lightly kicking his butt with my feet, like urging on a horse. He started moving fast, the sound of smacking skin loud. But it wasn't enough for me.

"Harder! Faster!" I begged and tried to move my hips up with him. He quickened his pace, but it just wasn't enough, not this time. "Dammit! Make it hurt!" To emphasise my point, I buried my nails in his back and bucked my hips.

Remus looked down at me without losing his stride, as if checking if I was serious. In the back of my mind, I knew it was wrong, so, so very wrong. There were so many healthier ways to deal with my feelings, but I couldn't take any of them. I needed this pain as much as the pleasure, and the desperate hunger must have shown in my eyes because he stopped and pushed my thighs apart. Then he grabbed my hands and laid them on my knees. "Keep your legs outstretched," he said breathlessly. I had no idea where he was going with this, but I obeyed. And was greatly rewarded.

Remus laid his elbows near my waist and lifted his knees to get into a better position, still inside me. Then he pulled almost all the way out and slammed all the way in and there was barely room for him so my body had no choice but to yield for the incoming missile. He did it again, and it hurt, but in a good way. I mewled and he took it as a sign to keep going, faster and faster. I kept up a chorus of high-pitched moans. Somewhere in the back of my mind, behind the pain and the pleasure, I knew that Remus did this for my pleasure only and I was ever so grateful for it.

We stared into each other's eyes and it felt so intense, so all-consuming. It was almost too much. A drop of sweat rolled down his forehead, to his nose and landed on my neck. My climax was getting close.

It was violent, it was rough, the roughest I'd had in my life, driving all the demons out of me. And as I came around Remus – not able to separate the pain from the pleasure anymore – my demons left my soul for now. I became one with the mattress, arms and legs falling limply onto it, and barely noticed Remus take what he needed to reach his own end. When he groaned into my ear and filled me, satisfaction, peace and thankfulness replaced agitation, pain and failure in my mind.

Remus collapsed on top of me, the sweat from his body cooling mine. When he rolled off, I was finally coherent enough to remember how loud I had been. "Didn't silence the room."

"I did it before I opened the door."

"Good. Thanks."

"Had a feeling it might be needed, one way or the other."

We lay in silence for a while, getting our heart rhythms and breaths back to normal.

"Thank you," I mumbled finally, eyes on the ceiling.

"You're welcome." Silence filled the room again, but then Remus turned to his side and rose up on his elbow, looking down at me. I saw his eyes dart to the claw marks the Dementor had left on my shoulder and his arm twitched as if he wanted to touch it. But he looked up into my eyes instead. "I know you see this as an outlet for everything, but I can't take it that far again. I don't want to hurt you. The sex always good with you, but there are some things sex can't fix."

"I know," I mumbled. Remus was probably the only person who really knew how much fear I kept repressed all the time, and for that performance, he deserved the whole truth. But I wasn't sure I could give it to him. "I just felt... like a failure. I needed to feel something else."

"You needed me to punish you for failing."

I was struck dumb. He had summed up everything that had gone on in my brain since I gained consciousness. I wasn't sure how to reply, and he seemed to sense that too.

"As long as I don't have to do it again, I don't mind. I also hope you don't turn to anyone else for that kind of treatment. If you need to talk about it, if you need comfort, I'm here."

"Thank you." Something entirely different was about to bubble up inside me now, and I had to get out of there. I stood up and began gathering my clothes and holding them up for Remus so he could repair them before I put them on.

"You don't want to stay here tonight? You're already spending the night in the house, why not here with me?"

"Someone might come to check on me."

"Yeah, Tonks said she'd be back early in the morning. She seemed very worried. And reluctant to leave. I was worried too."

"I appreciate it." I didn't want to hear about him being worried, I had to get out of there. "See you in the morning, Remus."

"Until then."

Chapter 11 | Masterlist | Chapter 13

#until next time #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin imagine #remus lupin #remus lupin x oc #remus lupin x you #remus lupin fanfiction #remus lupin smut #remus lupin angst #remus lupin fluff

[jewel-s-blog]

a nap for two - j.jh

genre: enemies(ish) to friends(for now), fluff

transfer student!jaehyun x gender neutral!reader

warnings: other than my bad writing? kind of a slow burn?

word count: 6.5k

inspired by this prompt from @yoonohprompts

plot: transfer student!jaehyun, is an unlikely friend in your final year of high school, but the two of you find yourselves cozily napping under the stairs together rather regularly

a/n: I’m thinking about making this a series, but depends on the feedback I guess. Also, I didn’t actually hate high school (quite the opposite actually, since I found it to be a happy time for me), but I made the oc hate school because I felt it fit with the story better so 🤗 enjoy!

[September 4]

It was kind of strange to see someone new transfer into what was the final year of hell that you were required by law to show up to. What made it even stranger was that most people who did transfer to your high school, mid-quarter, were usually military kids or other lost souls who had been kicked out of whichever previous hellhole whence they came. So when his fresh face walked onto campus, already a good month into senior year, all anyone could talk about was him.

Jung Jaehyun.

He was quiet, and didn’t seem to be very outgoing or the over sharing type, so naturally the theories around his sudden appearance began surfacing like crazy.

Some people said that his parents were these super rich research scientists for the military and they had moved out here to follow their work. Others spread rumors that he had an inappropriate relationship with one of his previous teachers—which you didn’t find hard too hard to believe considering... well, have you seen him?

But most of these theories kind of just went in one ear and out the other. You didn’t have any classes with him, which meant you never really got to have any real interactions with the guy. That meant that while you were aware of his somewhat enigmatic existence, you were really just more focused on needing to get your college apps done and have them looking good enough to make sure you weren’t drowning in debt going into adulthood.

To be honest, while you didn’t particularly love having to get up every morning to drag yourself to get your high school diploma, you still wanted your future to be funnier, happier, and brighter. And to you, that meant being able to go to college. But it wasn’t an easy feat, to say the least.

On top of your studies, there was sports practices, volunteer work, your part-time job, and the piano lessons that your mom convinced you not to quit nearly 7+ times in the past 14 years(the asian jumped out).

Due to the laundry list of obligations you had constantly looming over you, sleep became an elusive little thing. After about a month of running on an average of three hours of sleep per night, the only tea you had time for was the extremely caffeinated kind that filled your two liter flask day and night.

Eventually, you were in such a dire need of rest that you made it a point never to schedule things that took up your lunch time unless completely necessary. And rather than hitting up the cafeteria for a nutritious meal or the lastest gossip (usually about the mystery man himself), you settled for the space under the stairs of the newest building addition.

The place was cool, and quiet, and completely void of all others; which making it the perfect spot to spend the meager 25 minutes of lunch break to get some shut eye.

——————————

[October 12]

It had become routine for you to head straight for your nap-time spot as soon as the bell for lunch rang. Being a Monday made it that much more necessary for you to get to your spot so you could stretch out your legs on the chilled concrete floor and lean back against the backpack you used as a cushion against the just as chilled concrete wall.

You nonchalantly speed walk and whip out your phone, getting your slow jams Spotify playlist ready to shuffle for when you finally get into the perfect napping position.

Rounding the corner, just before your secret spot comes into view, you stop in dead in your tracks because you hear someone. Or more accurately, some people.

Apparently your “secret” spot wasn’t so much a secret anymore. You sigh in dissatisfaction at the thought that someone had the audacity to take away the one thing you looked forward in the craptastic day you were already having despite it not yet even reaching noon.

You hear a high pitched giggle, a sound you’ve become all too familiar with over the past four years of witnessing teenage hormones take over the masses of the student body. At one point, you were a part of those masses, but nothing lasts forever. Instead, it’s the low, baritone heavy voice that surprises you for a split second as it’s not one you can recognize. But once that split second is over, you take that one extra step that reveals the scene that you prepared yourself to find.

“A-hem.” You clear your throat, making your biting annoyance and presence known.

The two bodies face you in an instant, and the innocent shock you see on their faces actually makes you feel a little guilty for interrupting a moment that you really had no business butting into.

So you stand there a bit awkwardly, averting your eyes from the couple, but not allowing your feet to retreat. Staring at the wall, you think about succumbing to the tension in the now cramped space and apologizing. That is, until you hear the low voice reverb yet again, but with a haughty tone laced into it.

“Do you mind?”

Normally, you’d say that you have a particularly long fuse, but in this moment, you allow all the stress, lack of sleep, and frustrations of the day get the better of you. Darting up to look into the eyes that had just challenged you, you seeth back,

“Yes. Yes, I do mind.”

You let your peeved gaze fall onto the girl slightly hidden behind the shoulder of the taller figure before her. Letting it linger, to let her know that you were just as aggravated, if not more aggravated than her companion, she shrank down to hide herself more and let her hand find the side of his arm.

“C’mon. Let’s just go.” She whispers, clearly feeling more embarrassed the longer you hold your ground.

Frankly, this girl was someone you knew personally. She wasn’t in your immediate circle of friends, but you had worked on projects together and hung out outside of school on a few occasions. Basically, the two of you were pretty friendly. She also knew that you weren’t someone to be messed with as you had built a reputation of being amiable but deadly if the situation required.

“Jaehyun—,” she whines, “let’s go.”

He didn’t divert his eyes from you as she tugged at his shirt sleeve.

Jaehyun. That was his name.

You had forgotten momentarily since lately you had gotten so busy, your brain couldn’t register and recognize the unfamiliar face fast enough. But none of that mattered to you now. All you cared about was that you now had only 23 minutes to nap instead of your usual 25. So you add,

“Yeah, Jaehyun. I think it’s time for you to go.” You cock your head and allow a little smirk to form as you are satisfied with how this situation was quickly turning in your favor.

You couldn’t quite believe how mean you’d sounded considering that you’d normally been a pleasant person until senior year rolled around. But never had you really been in a situation that elicited quite the way you were acting in this moment. Whereas you’d normally bottle up the rude snarkniess that formed due to annoyance, you definitely weren’t holding it back now.

Jaehyun huffs, turning his back to you, before grabbing the girl’s hand and walking towards you. You side step, allowing space for them to pass, and didn’t fail to notice the scowl he aims at you while the girl shyly opts to look elsewhere until they were out of your line of sight.

Not about to waste another precious second of your daily rest, you settle into your comfy spot and stuff the white earbuds in place before hitting ‘shuffle’ and finally letting your eyelids descend. A deep sigh falls from your chest as sleep overcomes you until the alarm you’d set on your phone blared into your ears, signaling that it was time to take on the remainder of the day.

——————————

[October 13]

Tuesday morning passes rather quickly before you hear the glorious ring of the lunch bell sound through the classroom. Before anyone has anytime to even attempt making contact with you, you are back in your resting place, with the thankfully empty space swallowing your exhausted form.

To your dismay, it is not long until you feel like another presence has entered the space, making your eyes open reluctantly. Once your vision focuses, you are met with the view of a handsome figure standing before you.

It was a bit of a shock, as no one had ever interrupted your slumber before, but your body was just too tired to provide any physical reaction. So you continue looking up at him, not doing or saying anything before you see his lips moving yet hearing no voice come out with it. You remove one earbud from its place and ask,

“Did you say something?”

He chuckes before repeating, “Hi, I’m Jaehyun.”

A little smile creeps onto his face, thinning out his lips, and revealing two deep dimples that makes your heart nearly erupt. But you shake the feeling away, knowing that just 24 hours prior, you’d seen this very same person in a compromising state in the very same spot you sat in now.

Caught up in your thoughts, he takes your silence as a sign for him to continue the conversation on his own.

“y/n, right?”

And before you can even reply, or nod, or give any indication that he was indeed correct, he’s taking a seat next to you, no doubt aware of how his actions make you visibly uncomfortable.

“What are you—?” You start, voice admittedly a bit shaky due to the fact you were almost in snoozeville just moments ago and there was now another body in such unexpectedly close proximity to yours.

“I gotta hand it to you, this is a nice little getaway you’ve got here.” He cuts you off, looking straight ahead while raising his arms to place his hands gently behind his head.

Turning to meet his eyes with yours, you realize again that you had been silent, and had just been staring at him for a solid 10 seconds. Perhaps he realizes this too, because when your eye contact lingers just a little too long, he noticeably blushes and clears his throat while facing forward again.

So it’s all an act, you think to yourself. In the single interaction you did have with Jaehyun, you had already formed an impression of him in your head that he was your standard ‘blessed-with-heavenly-looks player’ who’d let all the female attention get to his head, boosting his ego, self confidence, and all the qualities of your neighborhood fuckboy.

But the rosy stain on his cheeks, and the quick reddening of his ears made you think different. Maybe he wasn’t actually the person you’d created in your mind of him. And maybe, like you had thought, it was just him acting. So you venture out a little to inquire,

“So... why exactly are you here?”

“Well... uhm...” He keeps his head straight forward again, feeling your gaze burning deep into the side of his right cheek. Evidently all traces of the confident 17 year old boy who had originally approached you was fading fast.

“Because if you knew I use this place as a getaway, then you’d also know that me having a getaway means that I don’t intend on sharing it with others.” Your monotonous tone slightly echoing off the concrete surroundings.

Taking your statement as an attempt at playful banter, he responds in an equally playful way.

“No sharing? Even for me?” Letting the adorable dimples make a reappearance.

“I don’t know you.” You deadpan.

“But you do know me. I just introduced myself. I’m Jung Jaehyun. And I know you, you’re y/n.” He wraps his jacket tighter around his chest to block anymore cool air from getting in, and crosses him arms, stuffing his hands into the crooks of his armpits.

“Okay, but I don’t know know you.” You question to yourself why you were letting this rally of questions and responses continue, knowing full and well that it was cutting into your beloved nap time. Making your priorities shift back to your original reason for being under the stairs in the first place you add,

“And I really don’t care about knowing you. All I care about is that before you came here, I was on the express train to dreamland. But now that you are here...” You don’t finish the sentence because you realize that would mean you admit to his presence having some kind of affect on you.

“Oh, so me being here really bothers you that much? I wonder why.” The smirk clear on his face yet again makes your irritance bubble over. He raises an eyebrow at you and moves his face impossibly closer to your own.

Scoffing at his implication, despite it being true, you shove your left earbud back into place and say,

“I don’t care what you do. Just don’t bother me when I’m trying to sleep. I already have enough things in my life doing that, and I don’t need you to be doing it too.”

With that you close your eyes again, leaning your head against the concrete hoping that there’s still enough time to at least get a good REM session in.

The slow beat of your music drowns your mind and lulls you back, but not before you hear Jaehyun negotiate,

“Ok, I won’t bother you. But only if I get to nap here too.” You feel him shift a bit in place before he too settles into a comfortable position and begins to doze off.

Eventually you do find yourself falling asleep, but it feels like less than five minutes later when the phone alarm goes off, jolting you awake. At first, you are unaware of the heavy head that rests on your left shoulder. But when you do notice it, you can’t help the warm feeling that washes over you as you peer down at the soft pale face snoring lightly against you.

Then the school bell rings, and you think that Jaehyun may stir from that, removing the heavily growing weight off of you. But he doesn’t. He keeps his head there, and continues to snore away softly.

Conflicted about what to do, you think about the best way to wake him up that would result in the least amount of embarrassment for the both of you. But soon enough, you begin to hear voices and footsteps ascending and descending the staircase above. And you know that if you don’t leave now, you may not make it to your next class on the fifth floor in the building that has no elevators.

So rather than from a decision of reasoning, but from a decision of panic, you quickly stand, letting Jaehyun’s unconscious body fall to the ground.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Covering your mouth after realizing what you’d just done. You extend your hands to reach down and help, but he’s already standing up and cupping the shoulder that he not-so-graciously fell on.

“It’s all good.” He says in his sleep jaded voice.

You almost swoon at the raspiness of his low timbre, but again choose to not let it show. You opt to check your lock screen, and face it to Jaehyun to show him the time.

“We have four minutes to get to class.”

He squints at your phone screen before clearing his throat and replying, “Okay.”

“Okay...” you return, “bye then.” Unsure how you should depart from this situation you decide to make it quick and painless, before briskly walking away.

Still in earshot, Jaehyun asks, “So I’ll see you around?”

You don’t stop when you call back to him, “Maybe.”

—————————

The next couple days go by somewhat normally.

Except when you were just about to succumb to the sleep you desparately needed on Wednesday, Jaehyun wordlessly sat himself next to you like he had done the previous day, and seemed to mimic your actions. You both woke up at the sound of your phone alarm and preceded to your classes without so much as a goodbye.

Thursday lunch came, and you were surprised to be greeted with an already sleeping Jaehyun sitting atop a dark blue blanket covering the cold concrete. You admired the way his chest gently rose and fell at a steady pace, and how his milky complexion looked so contempt despite the frown it adorned. Something else you noticed was that there was a space to the right of Jaehyun on the blanket under him. Almost as if he had intentionally made room for you to join him on it.

Going against what you’d assumed what the space was meant for, you chose to sit further in a corner away from him in case he didn’t actually intend to leave that space for you. Because if you did sit there, and he didn’t expect you to be there when he woke up, it really would be quite the embarrassment on your part.

So again, you fall asleep without exchanging words, and leave as soon as the bell shrills a warning for you to begin your five flight ascent.

——————————

Once Friday rolls around, you forget about Jaehyun and your nappy time. Because instead, you have to lead a meeting for one of your volunteer clubs and you had stayed up the whole previous night preparing for it. It didn’t help that all morning you were running around campus making copies of event sign-up sheets and getting signatures from the club advisor.

So when Jaehyun wakes up to the sound of ringing echoing off the walls, he finds himself disappointed that you didn’t show. And due to the busy last 24-hours you had, the possibility of of a frown on his face when he fails to find yours next to him never even crosses your mind.

It is later in the day, when you are grabbing your gym bag from your locker, that you’re startled by a face appearing once your locker door is shut. You hadn’t heard him come up to you thanks to the earbuds that seemed to constantly occupy your small sound receivers. But Jaehyun’s puppy-like features are suddenly next to you, and out comes a little stumble back with a quiet gasp escaping your lips.

After collecting your composure, you take out the left earbud again.

“Jeez, you scared me.” You say, bringing a hand to touch over your heart.

He chuckles, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” and scratches the back of his head while retreating a little to give you some space. “I just...well...you weren’t there today...”

A bit confused at the vagueness of his sentence, it takes you a moment before you realize the meaning behind it. Your eyes widen at him and then hastily look away.

“Oh... yeah... I had a meeting today, so I couldn’t nap at lunch like ususal...” You grab at the strap of your gym bag and give it a squeeze, not making eye contact with the figure looking down at you almost as if you had committed a crime against him and you felt guilty about it. But why? It’s not like you had an obligation to show up... right?

a/n: So that’s it for now. I’ve had this in my drafts for like a month and idk what to do with it anymore so I’d really like some feedback! I’m not even sure if I did this plot line justice or if readers are even interested in this plot line so yeah. Maybe if people are interested, I’d consider making this a series? But pls let me know! Thanks! -jewel

#jung jaehyun #jaehyun #nct127 #nct u #nct #jaehyun fluff #high school jaehyun #jaehyun au #student jaehyun #yoonoh #jung yoonoh #a nap for two #jewel-s-blog

[callunavulgari]

TOP 25 FICS OF 2018

1. A Cornstalk Fiddle by @notbecauseofvictories | Devil Went Down To Georgia | The Devil/Johnny | 17k

Where Johnny goes, the Devil follows; where Johnny goes, the Devil is already there.

Heather Says: So. I never thought that my favorite fic of the entire year would be a fic written about a song - and one that I don’t even particularly like - but here I am. I read this fic the same night that I finally broke down and watched Moonlight, and ended up listening to Moonlight’s End Credits and Hello Stranger by Barbara Lewis on repeat while I finished that first chapter on my back porch. This is that perfectly atmospheric fic that you’ll find maybe once every ten years and could probably sustain you on its memory for just as long.

2. Work of All Saints by @kaikamahine | Coco | Imelda/Hector/Ernesto | 210k

Imelda Rivera (b. 1899 - d. 1969), a story that includes but is not limited to: the finest music school this side of the Santo Domingo, three traveling musicians and the mess they made of love, the twice-cursed assassination of Venustiano Carranza, all the patron saints, and ninety-six ways a man can try to cross a bridge.

Heather Says: This story blew my entire mind. It was lovely, and tragic, and hilarious, and everything that a good novel should be. The parts of this fic that map out the unseen lives of Imelda, Hector, and Ernesto, that hidden backstory that a movie can only hint about, were exquisite to the point that I was afraid getting to the point where, well, they die, would be a letdown. It really wasn’t. If anything, the story managed to get richer as it went along, until suddenly you’re in a room sobbing into a pillow at four in the morning and have to be awake in four hours. No regrets.

3. Under the Covers by @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 87k

Steve is (maybe) a little bit still in love with Nancy Wheeler and (maybe) trying to figure himself out-- between the night terrors and the babysitting and the general weirdness that is Hawkins, Indiana-- before he graduates.

Billy Hargrove fits in there somewhere (probably).

Heather Says: Under the Covers was the first Harringrove fic that actually kicked me over the edge from ‘eh this ship looks like it would have good hate sex’ and into full-fledged believer. It’s an intricately crafted look into the world of Billy Hargrove and Steve Harrington post-season two and it is absolutely glorious.

4. Bloody Ruin by esama | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor | 37k

Vampire hunter and a vampire try to get along.

Heather Says: Written before season two came out, this was one of those fics that I clicked on because the pairing interested me and I wanted to see how it worked. It did not disappoint, and even after I delved through the tag on ao3 after I marathoned season two, this is still my favorite.

5. a road less traveled and a life less led by Azzandra | Dishonored | Billie & The Outsider | 9k

She took him out of the Void, as promised. And then she kept him, she supposed.

Heather Says: You know all that fanart that started cropping up after Death of the Outsider came out? The ones where Billie and the Outsider crept around Dunwall or Karnaca stealing fish and safes and graffiti-ing buildings? The ones with that found family vibe? Yeah. This fic scratches the same itch that all that art did.

6. But I’m Not There Yet by sarahyyy | Yuri On Ice | Yuri/Otabek | 71k

“Are you not going to read the article?” she asks, flopping onto his bed. “Look who ranked second, just after Phichit Chulanont.”

Otabek reluctantly scrolls down, and oh. #2 - Yuri Plisetsky

In the embedded Instagram photo just under that subheading, a very grumpy Yuri is cuddling a very grumpy-looking cat. The caption reads: I found the cat version of me at the shelter today. #iknowisaidnomorecats #canyoublameme

Heather Says: And here, in the stupid cute category we have teenagers navigating love through social media. What’s more, there’s a companion fic.

7. flowers start to bloom in every different hue by orphan-account | Coraline | Coraline/Wybourn | 1k

Coraline grows up, gets a tattoo, and falls in love. In that order.

Heather Says: I read this fic on a slow day at work, often in quick bursts while I was waiting for the kitchen to finish my table’s food. It’s short. It’s sweet. It’s perfect. And honestly? It’s everything that I was looking for when I ventured into the Coraline tag on ao3 because I was curious.

8. Victory Conditions by @astolat | Transformers | Megatron/Optimus Prime | 37k

“Do you want me to tell you a story?” Megatron said mockingly. “You won’t like it, Prime. It’s not a very nice one.”

Heather Says: Fun fact, I’m not even in this fandom. I haven’t touched the Transformers fandom since the first movie came out in 2007 and I spent a very confusing week shipping a boy and his car. But Astolat has literally never lead me wrong, and I was having one of those bored days where nothing quite itches the right spot, so I sat down on the couch and spent two hours reading this. Worth it.

  9. just in it for the game by grim_lupine | Thor | Thor/Loki | 6k

“It's excellent rehabilitation for my image,” Loki says, widening his eyes. “They love you, and because of that they'll trust me. You wouldn't ruin this for me, would you?”

Thor glares at him.

Loki’s mouth twitches. “Also, it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.”

Heather Says: The Thor/Loki bug never really bit me until after Ragnorak came out. I mean, sure, I read it and it was good, but hella’s Frostiron fics basically destroyed me for any other Loki pairing. HOWEVER. Ragnorak happened and screwed that all the way up. Also, you know, this fic is absolutely lovely and was just what the doctor ordered.

10. so this guy walks into a bar by MasterOfAllImagination | Pacific Rim | Newt/Hermann | 2.5k

“Bourbon,” Hermann says, hooking his cane on the edge of the bar and sliding by degrees onto a stool.

“Straight up?” the bartender asks.

“Please.” Does he look like the kind of man who enjoys having his nostrils fumigated by undiluted whiskey? “On the rocks.”

Heather Says: I coped with Pacific Rim 2 by reading a couple AUs and a couple very, very long fics full of tragedy and math. Weirdly, the AU of a chance meeting in a bar was the one that stuck.

11. cherry pie by @brawlite & @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 133k

Billy Hargrove lives for summer. Endless sunshine, heavily chlorinated pools, roaming ice cream trucks, and unencumbered freedom? There’s nothing better.

Even being stuck in Hawkins can’t ruin the summer for him. He eats it up, devouring every day whole.

Heather Says: Yeah, okay, but this is the fic that made summer worth it. Highly recommend reading at the pool or with your feet hanging off the back porch. Every piece of this fic was dripping in summertime nostalgia. It was fan-freaking-tastic.

12. the ghost and the good queen val by Wildehack (tyleet) | Thor | Thor/Valkyrie/Loki | 27k

“What,” she says, her heart racing, “was that.”

“What was what?” Korg asks, frowning up at her. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Valkyrie squints suspiciously at the ship.

“Oh my god,” Korg says. “You did! You saw a ghost!”

Heather Says: So, remember how I coped with Pacific Rim 2 with copious AUs? This is how I coped with Infinity War.

13. For Better or Worse by DragonBandit  | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 22k

All Damien ever wanted was someone who wanted him. All Damien deserves is to die alone, stripped bare of any of the comforts or affections of humanity, a title he willingly shed.

Mark Bryant seems to be the Universe's compromise.

Wherein Damien and Mark are soulmates, and this changes enough.

Heather Says: I think I’ve read this one three or four time this year? It’s 22k of well-written fic for a fandom that has a max of like 100 fics all with lengths that tend to vary between a couple hundred words to 2 or 3k, max. This fic is the one that really catapulted me into the fandom. 

14. in waves by @lymricks | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 38k

It’s March and it’s too cold for Billy to be shirtless and wearing shorts, but he hadn’t noticed until Harrington appeared and made him hold still. Harrington can’t seem to stop looking at the bruises. “What’s it to you if I miss a little school, Harrington?” Billy asks. He feels goosebumps rising on his skin.

“I don’t know,” Harrington snaps back, looking uncomfortable. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Plant your feet, Billy wants to scream at him. I’m going to bowl you over.

Heather Says: And here we have the first fic that wasn’t written by either @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger or @brawlite that made me realize that this fandom was gonna be a good one. So fantastic.

15. the cure by aquaexplicit | The Flash | Cisco/Harry | 43k

“I guess I don’t really get what you need to fix? Harrison Wells is a hot, rich genius that pays you to make cool stuff with his daughter and is totally into you. If you guys boning is the biggest problem you have, I think this officially qualifies as your best relationship ever.”

When Barry puts it like that, everything sounds so simple and not at all as angst ridden as Cisco has been suffering the past few months.

Cisco hangs up on him.

Heather Says: I remember a couple years ago, I fell absolutely head over heels for this one Sterek fic where Derek had twin toddlers and Stiles was the hired babysitter. So I think there’s something about dad + babysitter fics that get me, even if this one in particular the ‘baby’ in question is a fifteen year old genius. Still. Dad + babysitter. I don’t even know, but apparently it works for me.

16. pull out the insides by SpineAndSpite | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 3k

“Stop,” Damien says again, more insistent this time.

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” Mark's heart pounds in his ears and he sees Damien’s hands shaking. God. They shouldn’t have started talking about sex. Shouldn’t have filled in the colors and shadows to this pencil outline of a sketch forming between them. They shouldn’t have given it a name.

Heather Says: This year seems to have had a theme when it comes to fics that I’ve liked and it seems to boil down to: people who are bad for each other have sex and catch feelings. Mark/Damien is not the healthiest ship. But it also hurts in this stupidly tragic way and hell if I didn’t fall head over heels for it.

17. tell me, get my shit together by paperclipbitch | Star Wars | Han/Lando | 5k

“I thought we were actively avoiding each other after the Trandosha Shitshow,” Han says.

“We’re actively avoiding each other after the Iridonia Shitshow,” Lando corrects him, “the Trandosha Shitshow is That Which We Do Not Speak Of.”

Heather Says: So, guess what I did in the two to three hours after seeing Solo? If you guessed: ‘combed through ao3 until you ran out of fic’ ding ding ding, you are 100% correct. This one was very, very good, which makes sense, because paperclipbitch has some good shit.

18. chases, escapes, true love, miracles by pepperfield | The Flash | Cisco/Harry 55k

Just because the timeline has been restored, doesn't mean things are back to normal. Cisco's got 99 problems, and Harry Wells is approximately 38 of them.

In which Cisco makes a bunch of plans, fails most of them, narrowly avoids being disintegrated, receives a hug or two, finds his groove, and gets his man. More or less in that order.

Heather Says: This one was long and wibbly wobbly, because it was basically what season 3 should have been. But it was also really great, and had some super quality Harrisco interactions.

19. Your Pretty Little Heart by Ever-so-reylo | Star Wars | Reylo | 64k

Modern day AU in which Ben is an Alpha, Rey is an Omega, and they are way better at having sex than at communicating with each other.

Heather Says: Speaking of people who are probably a little bit bad for each other... This particular fic was new to me, not because of the um, extensive sexual content, but because I’m usually not a fan of A/B/O. But this one was extremely good, enough that I actually liked it for a/b/o aspect rather than in spite of it.

20. Draconia by perceived_nobility | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 4k

"So I was driving. One ex wife and one ex husband later, stopping at the same fucking gas stations you and I stopped at."

Heather Says: This fic actually prompted a 3 hour long conversation on the ‘adult’ Mark/Damien discord where we basically outlined an entire fic that I never got around to writing where Damien is raising a child, has a farm, and runs into Mark ten years down the ride. One day, I might write it, because vaguely domestic, meet-again-ten-years-down-the-road fics always bowl me right the fuck over and just. There needs to be more fic like this one in the world. But until then, the world can marvel at the beauty that is this one.

21. Artifice by buttpatrol | Wolf 359 | Hera/Eiffel | 23k

A story told in parts about colour palettes, identity, robot uprisings, sensational trials, space, and messy love.

Heather Says: As I’ve recently finished relistening to Wolf 359 I have a fresh appreciation for this fic, which is one of the only longer fics on ao3 that just grips you by the heart and squeezes the same way that the series does. It might have been written before the end of the series, but it’s honestly just as perfect.

22. (shoot the lights out, hide) till its bright out by lipgallagher | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 93k

The most dangerous thing walking around Hawkins goes by the name Billy Hargrove.

And he fucking knows it.

Heather Says: I’m kind of cheating here, because this is a series rather than a single fic, but I’m not picking just one part. I read the first four or so parts of this fic when I was visiting my family in South Carolina and spent the next few days wandering around the place half-in Steve Harrington’s headspace. It was an incredibly surreal experience, which lead to a pretty strong combination of mania, depression, and an indescribable craving for ice cream. So like, maybe don’t read this fic if you’re in a bad head space? But also it’s very good and features one of the most fucked up and intriguing Steve’s that I’ve seen yet.

23. Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya | Yuri On Ice | Yuuri/Viktor | 197k

‘…Of all the rivalries in the world of sports over the years, perhaps none has become so legendary as that of Russian figure skater Viktor Nikiforov and his rival, Japanese Yuuri Katsuki…’

Heather Says: I actually read this one on the plane ride down to South Carolina, and kind of didn’t like it at first? I’m not sure if it was just the act of putting Yuuri and Victor into the position of rivals that made me uncomfortable or the goddamn delays that turned half a day of travelling into a full one, but eventually I was able to get into and enjoyed it quite a bit. I really like the rivals to lovers trope, so I’d been looking forward to this one a lot.

24. Traveling Far by @astolat | Game of Thrones | Jaime/Brienne | 24k

Three weeks into their delightful slog across Westeros, during yet another charming day of shitting in the woods, eating half-raw squirrel, and trudging his feet bloody, the single most dour and uninteresting woman Jaime had ever met in all of Westeros stopped in the middle of a field, drew a deep breath, and said, “When I was seven, my aunt came to visit with her son. My father told me that as the daughter of the house, it was my duty to show hospitality to my guests and to be gracious to them. I wanted to make him proud. So for three weeks, I let my cousin follow me around and talk to me about spiders.”

Heather Says: I’ve become very fond of astolat’s Jaime/Brienne fics, and I think this one is my favorite yet. Featuring Starks, found family, and a whole lot of walking.

25. lilies of the valley (cover me with kisses, make my garden grow) by diasterisms | Star Wars | Reylo | 8k

Every girl is entitled to the mistake. That one colossal fuck-up that permanently alters the terrain of who you are. You'll either learn from it or you won't, so might as well have the time of your life.

Heather Says: I just. I really like flower shop AUs, and the idea of a Kylo Ren who owns a sleek flower shop being menaced by a tiny gremlin in a leather jacket just. Kills me. It was really sweet and all kinds of wonderful.

#heather says what #2018 #memes #i apologize sincerely for the long post #but also i couldn't stop talking #new year's memes #fuck yeah recs!! #star wars #game of thrones #stranger things #the bright sessions #yuri on ice #wolf 359 #the flash #thor #pacific rim #coraline #transformers #dishonored #castlevania #coco #disney #the devil went down to georgia #harringrove #reylo

[softspideys]

Hang the DJ (Part II) (Tom Holland x reader)

summary: paired up by a dating program that puts an expiration date on all relationships, you and Tom soon begin to question the system’s logic

warnings: none

words: 1.8k

pairings: tom holland x reader

a/n: wow, I actually updated?? it’s a thanksgiving miracle!! I hope ppl still actually want to read this oops. also I apologize for making zendaya the equivalent of nicola but it had to be done somehow.

“I guess I just don’t see the point in something so short,” you said. You’d gone for a walk and were now perched on a grassy hill, looking out at a peaceful lake. Your date with Tom had been a few days ago, but you were still thinking about it.

“Even your reaction to a brief encounter provides the system with valuable information,” Coach said.

“But I didn’t even do anything,” you said, frowning. “Does the system think I’m a prude?”

“The system makes no moral judgments.”

“How do I know she wasn’t the perfect match for me?” Tom asked as he jogged through the park. Like you, he couldn’t stop thinking about your date, wondering why you’d clicked so well but weren’t meant to be together.

“Your ultimate compatible other has not been selected yet,” Coach said.

“I know, but like, what if it was her? What if—”

“The system gains insight as each participant progresses through numerous relationships and uses the gathered data to eventually select an ultimate compatible other,” Coach said.

“On your pairing day, yeah,” Tom said. “Does it always find your perfect match?”

“In 99.8% of cases,” Coach said.

“But I have to go through loads of relationships to find them,” Tom said slowly.

“That is correct.”

As you got up to leave the hill, your tablet dinged. “What’s this?” you asked. “Another relationship?”

As Tom turned around to start jogging home, his tablet dinged. “What, another?” he asked.

“That is correct,” both of your Coaches answered.

“Huh,” you said. You wondered what your date would be like this time. “I guess I should go get ready.”

Tom pulled the hem of his t-shirt up to wipe his face and caught a whiff of himself. “Ugh. I guess I should go get changed.”

★ ★ ★

When you arrived at the restaurant later that night, Coach informed you that your date wasn’t there yet. You sat down at a booth, different from the one you’d sat in with Tom, and waited.

A few minutes later, a man walked into the restaurant, holding his tablet and looking around. His dirty blond hair was tousled and wind-blown, and the bright blue of his eyes stood out even from across the room.

“Please, please tell me this is him,” you whispered.

“I cannot confirm identity until a personal introduction is made,” Coach answered, unhelpful per usual.

The man began to make his way over to you. “Hi,” he said when he approached your table. “I’m Harrison.”

“Y/N,” you answered, standing up to shake his hand and silently thanking all of the forces of the universe at work for pairing you with him.

“I like your hair,” he said as you took your seats.

“I like yours too.”

“Thanks, I grew it myself,” he said. It wasn’t a particularly clever joke, but you laughed at it for a few seconds too long. He furrowed his eyebrows. Shit. There was something about attractive men that made you nervous, although you couldn’t remember feeling that way with Tom.

“Sorry,” you said, immediately trying to form an about-face. “That was just . . . funny.”

“Gotcha,” Harrison said, nodding slowly. “Hey, do you want to check our expiry date? Get that out of the way?”

“Yeah, sure,” you said. The two of you pulled up the info and pressed REVEAL.

9 MONTHS

“Oh,” you said, trying not to look too thrilled. “Wow.”

“Well,” Harrison said, smiling at you. “Cheers to the next nine months.” He held up his wine glass. You grinned, clinking yours against his.

“Cheers.”

★ ★ ★

When Tom arrived at the restaurant, a beautiful but formidable-looking girl was already sitting in the booth. “Hi,” he said, nervously playing with the buttons on his jacket, “I’m Tom.”

“Zendaya,” she said without smiling. “You’re late.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I had to change.”

“Hmm.”

“Uh, I see you ordered already?” Tom asked, sitting down across from her.

“I got hungry,” she said, raising her eyebrows like she was daring him to find a problem with that.

“Right, yeah, of course.”

There was an awkward pause before Zendaya said, “So, should we just get it over with?” At Tom’s confused look, she said, “Check our expiry date?”

“Oh. Oh, yeah. Sure.” As they both looked at their tablets, Tom privately hoped their relationship would be another one of those 12-hour ones. This girl seemed a little too intense for him.

At the count of three, they both pressed REVEAL.

365 DAYS

For a second, neither of them spoke. “This must be a mistake,” Zendaya said with a disbelieving laugh. “It’s gotta be. Coach, is this a mistake?” Tom knew he should probably feel insulted, but he also kind of wanted it to be a mistake too.

“This is not a mistake,” Zendaya’s Coach answered.

Of course.

“God,” Zendaya said, sitting back in her seat heavily. “An entire year.”

“Look on the bright side,” Tom tried to joke as the waiter brought out his food. “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

“What?”

“Spaghetti and—it was a joke,” he finished lamely at her unimpressed look.

“Oh, so you make jokes,” Zendaya said flatly. Tom swallowed.

Only 365 days left.

★ ★ ★

“Hmm,” Harrison said as you entered the house you’d be living in for the next nine months. “Yup, this is pretty much the same as my last one.”

It was different from the one you’d stayed in during your short time with Tom: this one resembled more of a cozy log cabin, with exposed wooden beams, an open floor plan, rustic furniture, big, airy windows, and a huge stone fireplace crackling away merrily.

“Last one?” you said. “How many of these have you had?”

“Relationships?” Harrison asked. You nodded. “Well, let’s see . . . this will be my sixth, I think.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I’m a veteran now, I suppose,” he said with a grin. “Anyway, I’m going to go shower, do you mind?”

“No, not at all,” you said quickly. While he was gone, you went from room to room, taking everything in and getting used to the fact that for the next nine months, this was going to be your home. With Harrison.

When he came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist, it was to you sitting on the bed, looking around idly. “Hey,” he said, smiling.

“Hi.”

“So, listen, I know this is kinda forward, but this is relationship six for me. I’ve honestly found that it’s just best to have sex straight away. You know, it breaks the ice, gives a kind of glimpse into our compatibility.”

“Right, yeah,” you said. It was a miracle your voice still worked.

He picked up his tablet from where he’d tossed it on the bed. “So, this is me consenting to everything now. And whenever you feel comfortable doing the same—”

Before Harrison even finished his sentence, you’d grabbed your own tablet and pressed the button. He laughed, raising his eyebrows. “Okay then,” he said, and dropped the towel.

★ ★ ★

“Meatballs,” Zendaya grunted.

“What?” Tom said. They were currently in the middle of having some, admittedly, very boring sex. She hadn’t even wanted to do that much foreplay, or even really kiss. “Just put it in,” were her specific words.

“Meatballs,” she repeated. Tom was wondering if that was some sort of safeword (but how could it be? They were literally in missionary, his hands braced on either side of her head) when she sighed and said, “Your breath. Meatballs.”

“Oh,” Tom said, realizing she was talking about his dinner. “Sorry, I—”

“Talking does not help it,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

Tom closed his mouth and tried to mumble, “Sorry.” He turned his head and tried to concentrate on thrusting into her, feeling how nice and soft she was, and—

Suddenly, your face popped into his head. Tom blinked. Well, that was weird.

“Let’s just do it from behind,” Zendaya said, interrupting his thoughts.

“Huh?”

“From behind.” So, they switched positions, with her getting on her hands and knees and Tom kneeling behind her. He lined himself up with her entrance and pushed in slowly before pulling back out and sliding in again.

“Faster,” Zendaya instructed. “More motion.”

Tom tried to speed up his thrusts, holding onto her hips for support. “Um, like this?”

“No, more motion. Like, side-to-side. You’re all in-out-in-out like you’re trying to shut the drawer of a filing cabinet.”

Ouch. “Uh, okay.” He tried to do as he was told, and for the next few minutes Zendaya was quiet, her head bowed. That seemed to be a good sign. Maybe she was actually enjoying herself. “Is that better?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” Zendaya said finally. “Not really.”

★ ★ ★

You lay in bed, listening to the sound of Harrison making you some post-sex food. You were too spent to even get up and help him.

He hadn’t been lying when he’d said that he was a veteran with relationships. The sex had been incredible and pretty fun, too, full of jokes and whispering in between your soft moans and whimpers. He didn’t even mind letting you go on top, gripping your hips and staring up at you with his bottom lip between his teeth as you rode him.

If this was what the next nine months were looking like, then you certainly weren’t going to complain.

Oddly enough, as you waited for Harrison to come back, you found yourself thinking about Tom. You wondered what he was doing, if he too was in another relationship with somebody else. You hoped that whoever she was, she was treating him well.

Harrison returned with a plateful of toast, bacon, and eggs. “Nothing like breakfast at midnight,” he said with a smile. You laughed, taking a few slices.

The two of you ate in silence, both consumed in your own thoughts. Suddenly, a loud, wet noise brought you back to the present. You glanced over and saw Harrison eating a piece of toast, chewing loudly with his mouth open.

You furrowed your eyebrows. Okay, gross. But maybe he didn’t know he was doing it. Maybe the food was just hard to eat. But it’s toast, you said to yourself. Toast isn’t hard to eat.

You decided not to say anything about it. It was your first night together and you’d just finished having sex; now was not the time to be bringing up any potential annoying habits.

Later, you were still awake long after Harrison had fallen asleep. You lifted your head and saw one of his hands was on the mattress between you, palm up. For some reason, you thought of Tom.

Very carefully, you reached over and slid your fingers into Harrison’s. His hand tightened around yours as he let out a soft snore without waking up. You lay back and closed your eyes, trying to imagine Tom’s hand there instead.

But it still didn’t feel the same.

★ ★ ★

“So I can’t just walk away?” Tom asked as he gave the punching bag several good hits.

“That is correct,” Coach said. “One day it will provide you with your ultimate perfect match.”

“One day,” Tom repeated. “One day.”

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fanfic #tom holland series #tom holland imagine #black mirror au #hang the dj #writing

[meowtastrophe]

to my eight-yr-old self

How are you?

Well, it’s the year 2018 and I have to say --no, we don’t have flying cars yet. Well, we still have aeroplanes if you count that as a flying car-- you’ve come far. Who knows you are able to keep your life till now, right?

No, you are not taking HRM because you are not in college. 

No, you did not slack off and had to repeat high school or something. 

No, you did not stop school. 

The curriculum just kind of changed haha. The DepEd decided to add 2 more years in our high school so you are now in grade 12. It’s not too bad, don’t worry. Over the years you’ll realise that you want to keep studying so upon learning about the change, you were actually quite glad about it. 

You’ll be graduating this year so just hang in there. I still remember that ‘to my 18-yr-old letter’ you wrote me--on the diary of wimpy kid thingy--back in Grade 3. You asked me that I should take the Hotel and Restaurant Management course no matter what. Well... you kinda took a different path. In seniour high--that’s what they call the grades 11&12-- you have to choose from these 3 tracks: 

STEM, which includes sciences, technology, engineering, mathematics and all that hard stuff;

HUMSS, which is Humanities and Social Sciences, and;

 ABM, which is the one you expect me to take because it’s all about Business. 

Guess, what? You took the second one HAHAHAHA. 

What happened? 

A lot had happened, actually. Let’s breeze over it:

In grade 3, you got your period. 

     You got home from school and went straight to the comfort room as usual. When you pulled down your underwear--there, it surprised you. BLOOD. You absolutely had no idea what the heck was that. You thought at that very moment that you about to die. Mom went abroad when you were at a young age so she never got to teach you these things.  Don’t worry though because luckily, mom’s on vacation that day so she was there to guide you the essentials. You did not know how to use a pad. You opened it and well... kept on ‘opening’ it. You kept peeling the outer layer to a neverending pad of cotton. Mom saw your struggle but she just chuckled and gave you a new one. 

In grade 4, you didn’t have friend yet 

      But, you were hanging in there. Nothing happened here, really. You were still adjusting and did not have a permanent friend yet. You just watched anime, edited pictures in photoshop, and all that. You were still very very very shy around this time. You couldn’t speak at all. You were one of the quietest people in the school. You had a very bad social anxiety. You were still discovering yourself. But you hanged in there. 

In grade 5, you met Y, became friends with her and; 

      You left home. This one greedy sister of your grandmother of yours (mom side), let’s call her L, took your childhood home. You still remember what she told you “che, e ate jemima mu naman neh.’’ And I still remember how baffled you were. On how she pulled out the barangay card and showed up in front of our (you and l) home with barangay officials for some reason. On how you thought “wait what? why are getting our home? aren’t you guys rich? you have a backyard pool for christ’s sake. ate jemima’s life--your guys’ life--is so much better than us. what need does she have in our home? why ours? where will we go now?”. Fortunately you found a house near-- literally in front-- of your cousin’s (dad side) house. You tried living there. This is just the start.

In grade 6, you are still best friends with Y. However;

      It was not like before. Your dad started neglecting you more. He got depressed. But of course, you did not know that at a young age. He wouldn’t go to the house for days and leave you with no money nor food. You liked going to school because it distracted you but there were times where your dad didn’t let you go to school even if you are all dressed up because he’d go to the house drunk in the morning so he’d rather catch up on sleep rather than dropping you to school. There was even a time where you guys fought and ignored each other for a month or two and that’s where you felt alone the most. You felt like even your aunt, uncle, and cousins parallel to your house were avoiding you--which you were certain they did--so you didn’t have anyone. You were glad that you were on your school break and you didn’t have to worry about not being able to go to school with all that is happening. Most of the time, you’d have no food to eat. Your electricity was cut and you’d steal from your neighbour’s. You also won’t have any drop of water. It was no different from being homeless except, you just somehow found a long-time roof.

      It’s not all that bad though because you got to live the simple life. It was fun in a sense that since you did not and could not get everything, the littlest things were enough to make you--everyone in the family--happy.  You learned to appreciate the smallest of things. You learned how hard it so to not be able to eat a meal 3 times a day so it’s very hard for you to leave a single grain of rice on your place and you'd accept any food offered to you at the present. You learned how to live through the struggle you faced... for a short while at least. 

    Then you snitched on your dad to your mom.

In grade 7, high school came, you were not classmates with Y and; 

     You did not live with your dad. After graduating from grade school, you moved to San Fernando to live with your grandfather (mom side). You also lived with his girlfriend, let’s call her M, and M’s daughter, let’s call her N. The first few months were quite alright. They took good care of you. Made you breakfast and all that. At one point, however, everything went south and you don’t know when and how. M just managed to break you mentally. Pour salt on the already existing--but small-- wound. Well, I guess it was our (you and I's) fault. This was your first time living in with other people. You got used to relying on others. You were not used to doing chores and all that because you never had to do that back at home and at the house. M would compare you to N. Grandfather would turn a blind eye on the situation-- not seeing or hearing anything. M mentioned on how she now understands as to why your dad neglected you. As to why he doesn't like you. That hit you hard. You started blaming yourself for everything. You realized how useless you were. You started thinking that no one loves you... not even your dad. You felt much more alone.

     You regretted snitching on your dad. 

In grade 8, you met A and she helped you a lot. 

     Things got worse. You hated yourself more. You did unimaginable things; such as the vice of slice and trying to kick the bucket. However, A was there. That person’s presence comforted you. Because of that person, breath still leaves your mouth. What happened to Y? She had other groups of friends haha. It’s not her fault though. Don’t blame her. She has her own life. She has the right to choose who to befriend and who to hang out with. She was liked by people so it’s not her fault that she drifted away from you for a while. It was all fine because, at the very least, A was there. Also, around November, you moved to the house your grandmother (mom side) worked hard for. The house was much better than home but it did not still felt like home. You started living with your dad and grandfather. M went abroad and N lived with her grandmother. 

In grade 9, you were not classmates with A.

      You felt A, too, slowly drifting away from you. You felt like she didn’t want to hang out with you anymore and you thought to yourself ‘well no one ever sticks to me. not even my dad so I understand’. So you took the initiative to leave her alone. You also did not blame her and thought that same as you did to Y. And Y, well, was still living her own life but you guys are still friends. But you had a change in a group of friends too. You befriended some people in your classroom and, though it was just short-term, they were enough to fill the void of loneliness. 

In grade 10, you thought everything is finally going well.

     Until your grandfather was the one who neglected this time. He was the one in charge of the finances at the house but he used them for his vices. He did not get to pay for the house for 3 months and naturally, my grandmother got mad. She asked for my grandfather to leave and he did. My dad, this time, was determined to change and redeem himself. We both thought that he’s going to be handling the money but guess what, L--yes, that L-- was the one put in charge. My grandmother's mind was clouded. She became one of those feminists who thinks ‘men are trash’ or something. Since L lives in the same subdivision as ours she was the most convenient choice. Soon after, they also asked dad to leave the house. You got separated again, for the second time. You lived alone in the house. You would go to L’s house for meals but you still lived alone in the house. You got compared, again, to Jemima, her daughter. Well, you have always been compared to her. You are connected to her because you grew up with her. When our family sees you, they always ask you about her. About how and where she is. If she's doing fine. They never asked me tho. She was an extrovert so she had more friends, much more sociable, the family likes her more for she is much more approachable, she's much more famous, famous enough for the city to know her, and she is prettier. You cannot forget the time when Jemima had food leftovers and L was like ‘don’t you want to eat it? so that become pretty like her’.

     Around this time was also your saddest birthday. It was your sweet 16th. You did not have a huge celebration because you just planned to treat your friends. Mother sent you money, your dad gave it to you, and then that's it. However, I was alone that day. You don't know where but some reason dad wasn't there. The house was literally empty. You actually tried contacting your friends prior to the day: Y, K, and A. Yes, only 3, you're quiet picky with the people you get close with. But, they couldn't make it. Your birthday is in summer so they all have their plans. Enjoying their vacation and all that. Living their life. No one could come. And then,

     3 days later, A came to the house. Carrying McDonald's and a small cake. You... I never felt so appreciated then.

In grade 11, mom went home.

     My grandfather died due to stroke so mom had to go home. She asked dad to stay in the house for a while because he was a pretty convenient errand boy. But what’s the point of errands when you don’t have money? L was holding the money. She is a busy girl, you know. That’s why mom was having a hard time whenever she needed money because L always didn’t have the time. So Mom just asked for the card, where the money is, so there won’t be any difficulties. But L didn’t want to give it and was like ‘don’t worry, your money is safe with me’. And we were all left dumbfounded. 

   Everything changed since then. 

What changed? 

Mom put you in charge of the finances but since you were busy with school and everything, you passed the torch to my dad. My mom and grandmother let dad live with you because if not, you will be alone again. You have been living peacefully since then. And now, you are writing this blog. 

So why did I take HUMSS instead of ABM? Around grade 8, I realized that I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe because that is what I needed the most that time. I wanted to become what I needed. At the same time, I thought I wanted to help those who were struggling like me but I realized that I just wanted to learn how to help myself. Since everyone would just leave me eventually, I wanted to learn how to take care of myself. That’s why you took interest in psychology. And over time while diving deeper into the field, I got fascinated by other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, and likewise. I took interest in the mind of criminals and now, I am now aiming to become a forensic psychologist. 

This may change again, though. Everything changes. Decisions are not absolute and that is fine. Just like what happened in the past years, you’ll never know what will happen. One day it’s like this and the next thing you know everything is going downhill. But do not worry about it because that doesn’t matter. You cannot control the situation and the things happening around you. You cannot defy the natural flow of things. What you can control, however, are your emotions. You can control how you react to things. It may be easier to be said than done but it helps a lot. How you approach the things being thrown at you will help you mentally. Just keep your composure and let the time pass. Focus at the very moment. At what is in front of you. Worry about the future later when it’s the next one on the plate. Your current challenge right now is writing this blog and you should you just focus on it. But make sure that whenever you do something, do your very best on it. You just can’t do things just because you have to. Since that should be the only worry you have, give your all to it. 

Do not worry about the future. About what you want to do for the rest of your life because you have the rest of your life to figure that out. 

[indianroseeee-blog]

I could still feel the tears falling down my face as my rhuematologist told me that i have been diagnosed with Lupus. I blamed everyone. When I found out it can also be genetic. I dropped because my mother is also dealing with the same condition i had. I sometimes chose not to talk and hold so much anger inside when i was mostly needed to relax and not stressed. I felt that my life would be over with. I graduated in 2013 from L W Higgins High School and moved in my apartment the following year. 

Around this time i was also in school and working two jobs. My husband had a job also. Then one day i was working at Walmart as a cashier. I was scanning someones order and almost passed out. She asked me was i ok and i told her no i really didn't feel good. So i went home and laid in my bed feeling like i just ran 5 miles. Around this time my bipolar tendencies started to kick in because i was scared and paranoid. Every time i get sick i always go to talk like i am about to die. I realize there is much more i wanna live for. 

One day in the middle of the night, i woke my husband up from his sleep. i had so much excruciating pain that i could not hold myself up. He thought i was being over dramatic but i was being very honest. But , he still ended up bringing me to the hospital. There we set and waited for a hour in the waiting room at Oschner ER in Kenner,LA. The kept saying it was a urinary tract infection. so they prescribed me antibiotics that had sulfate in it. I took the pill and went to bed. I woke up again and begged my husband to bring me back to the ER because i was suffocating. I caught an allergic reaction and my glands and airway swelled. They gave me medicine and told me tried to get rid of it the natural way. I went to another emergency hospital called East Jefferson Hospital in Metairie, LA.. They were saying the same thing. That night i went home and begin to eat and it would run straight through me. Like literally sometimes i couldn't even make it to the bathroom. Or sometimes when i feel the urge to pee, my body starts to make me pee. I had no control over my body what so ever. 

I was taking a bath in all hot water and it wasn't burning me, but it was hurting my husband to help bathe me. For the next few days i would sleep all day. I couldnt eat because i couldn't hold anything down. i would have really bad sweat episodes to where my body sweat imprint would be soaked within  the bed. Then i couldn't breathe laying down, so i sat up to go to sleep. Around 12:30 at night i squealed my husbands name and he didn't here me and i said it one more time and woke up. I told him that i couldn't breathe and he carried me from our upstairs apartment to the car. He was so worried he kept telling me to respond to him. I began to go in and out of consciousness. By this time, My whole face swelled to where i couldn't see anything. By the now the nurses know me by heart.

i was rushed to the back. My BP (blood pressure) was 98/52. which is not good. The ER doctor called the admitting doctor because he told me he didn't know what was going on and i have been coming back and forth here between the last two weeks. They admitted me and it took them almost two months of me being in the hospital, that it was my kidneys. My kidneys were failing. So at first they had me on 60 MG Prednisone & Imuran & plaquinil. Then they switched me to cellcept. My body started to regulate again. By this time i lost everyone because of me not being able to work because of how sick i was.I couldn't even finish school semester all because i was in the hospital. I felt like there was nothing left. I felt as if now i became a burden on others and i never wanted someone to feel like they were obligated to take care of me. 

When my husband watch the lady trying to put and IV in my vein, he broke down. The nurse told me that she was gonna stick me and i didn't move or respond. She ask me did i feel anything and i said no. My body was not respond to pain or touch. 

i ended up in that hospital unable to move. 

Then came my second kidney failure which was completely different from the first one. In feb of 2016 i was in an accident where the lady hit me head on.I was vomiting up blood, blood clots eroded from my skin, alopecia, Skin rash over entire body, Peeling like a new born baby. My skin would heal, peel, bleed, infect, heal, and repeat again. This took about a year. Around this time i had gained 60 pounds i would say or more in retention fluid.i would have the worse muscle spasms. When i went to the ER i kept getting pumped with narcotics until they figured out the problem.  

Sometimes it would be so bad that it started to affect my work, i would always be late to class because the fluid was taking over my body.it was painful to walk, because the fluid is applying pressure. i would vomit blood. i was going to the ER every two days. It was horrible. i retained so much fluid that it affected my sex life and brought my body through changes. My vagina had completely swelled and it burned to pee a little, i didn't know what to do. My skin cam completely sunburned on my vagina it looked like. It was swollen so bad that my husband could not have sex with me cause i was so swollen. He did and he takes great care of me. When my vagina swelled it got worser. I started to feel like i had a booty in the front and back.When i slept i had to lay a towel down because the fluid started seeping through my skin. My mother would just sit that and run her fingers through my hair and cried. It was my kidneys again. i started a chemo infusion called Rutuxinmab. Dr. Stephen Morse (Nephrologist) of LSU family practice & Louis Espinoza (Rhuematologist) of LSU family practice saved my life.

my skin would dry out even with lotioning my body. i would have to lotion my body two times to three times a day. Then it had to be non scented lotion. Like Cetaphil. i bath in every that didn't have a fragrance and  will post more blogs about that to come. I would only take lukewarm bathes and i would wash myself twice. When having a open sore , always keep it wrapped. Around this time i had to quit working and i could not even go to school. Each time they made me payback to school. I would bring medical records and all of what happened. I even provided pictures. It was weird cause they granted a refund to her when her grandmother passed. I felt sad because what was happening was something i couldn't control. Then i moved to Dallas,TX and I was in the hospital at first for two weeks cause i had a flare up and i told them i had lupus but thats all they know. They really didn't take the trusting their patients seriously. They asked me what was my old hospital information and i told them but the hospital i was at did not but only mailed. So i waited about two weeks but in the meantime i told them to do a kidney biopsy. This would have been my second one. 

Ladies and gentlemen , this procedure can be done while woke. But after the procedure you can not leave the bed for 6 hours, so i slept. They told me to take it easy and i didn't understand really because my first kidney biopsy i was up and about right after i left. But this one was different my back was in so much pain i was knocking myself out. A Few weeks later they got my info. They wanted to contact me but when they found me in the ER they were ready to talk to me. They told be it was Stage 5, but it was only 20% damaged and 80% percent good. We think we can make this go into remission. They also asked me why am i vomiting blood and i told him i didn't know it must have been my gastritis. so they did ANOTHER endoscopy . Its when they inserted a tube down your through to your abdomen to see if they say abnormalities. This procedure ofcourse you was kicked out. But this was worst. When i woke up i my lip was in so much pain. Y'all i bit my lip. I mean it look like someone knocked my ass out. I was like what happened? and they told me that  happened sometimes during the procedure and i said oh never with the first one i didn't though. Then y'all guess what, i said why am i so wet? They told me sometimes the patients pee a little during the procedure. 

Well guess what it wasnt not piss , it was shit , LMAO!! yo , i told the lady , “ y'all know y'all offed up, y'all could at least told me i shitted on myself, can i get stuff to wash my shitty ass ,LMAO i was so embarrassed. I was like why lord. But overall i haven't been in the hospital but I'm not into full remission yet. and my doctors know what i want my future plan to be and I'm fine with that. So now we are currently working on getting me off these meds. :)