#she just does evaluations and such now but no therapy

[arsonist-chicken]

hehehe fourth day in a row I've slept until 5pm because I fucked up my sleep rhythm staying up until 7am but probably more likely because of the ✨curses✨, but at least today I finally saw some sunlight again by walking to the store to still make it before they close. this is fine.

#the curses are mental illness aka depression or whatever idk man just give me some energy to be able to live my everyday life #i mean i thought i was getting sick on tuesday evening so i already planned to not go to uni on wednesday #also because i hadn't done a presentation but i really thought i was getting sick too #and it's been downhill from then #the last two nights i said to myself at lik 6am i'll sleep four hours now until 10 so i have the day to work and then can actually sleep #normal again but either i didn't hear my alarm or i turned it off and woke up again when it was still light outside #but close enough to already the sun setting that i was not gonna get any sun #the psychologist who did my adhd exam said i could start treatment with her but i'm a little wary of that #since my insurance still hasn't let me know if they'd partly cover that or if she's not in that system. idk how it works. #and also she's a psychologist not a psychotherapist #and no offense to my friend but i saw my friend studying psychology and becoming a psychologist after she finished her degree #and I don't think she'd be educated at all to actually offer therapy #she just does evaluations and such now but no therapy #and damn if I'm going to spend my emergency money on therapy because well it's not covered here then i at least want it to actually work #and actually be therapy. like working on the adhd and depression; not just an adhd coaching #that would have helped when i was in school or just starting uni but by now i definitely also need therapy for the depression that evolved #from all the issues. also maybe just brain chemistry idk. #mine

[iamasimperyk]

Adoption -Rafe Cameron

Warning: Ovulation disorder (Not being able to get pregnant), Fluff, English isn’t my first language

Summary: Since you weren’t able to get pregnant, Rafe came up with an idea and now you couldn’t be happier

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Wife!Reader

You had always loved children. Ever since you started babysitting at the age of 14, you looked forward to the day were you give birth to your own children.

You wanted to provide your child with all the love and opportunities you could. You had a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a good job, so it seemed like the perfect time to have children. However, things didn't go as planned.

One year ago, you and Rafe began trying for a baby. After some time of unsuccessful attempts, you decided to visit your gynecologist for an evaluation. Although you knew that getting pregnant may take some time, you had a sense that something might be wrong.

“I am sorry Mrs. Cameron,” The doctor said, looking at the test results, “But it seems like you have an ovulation disorder.”

“W-what does that mean?” You gulped, already feeling the tears in your eyes.

“I am sorry, but you will not be able to get pregnant anytime soon.” He explained, his face filled with sorrow.

You felt your world crumble around you. Your greatest desire was to become a mother, but it seemed as though fate had other plans.

“Will I ever be able to?” You asked him, tears now streaming down your face.

“There are different treatment options, but the chances are not high for you.” He told you honestly.

The last year you tried everything your doctor had recommend. Medications, lifestyle changes and a hormone replacement therapy. Still, you weren’t pregnant and the feeling of emptiness ate you alive.

Rafe supported you through everything, but it made you feel even more upset that you couldn't give him a child he wanted just as much as you did.

"How did your treatment go today?" your husband asked as he kissed your forehead.

“Unsuccessful. Rafe, I can’t do this anymore,” You mumbled and he nodded in an understanding way.

“It’s alright, my love. I know the past year has been difficult for you, and I noticed how much you suffered.” He kissed you tenderly.

"I really wanted to have a baby and make you a dad, Rafe. I'm sorry I couldn't." You whispered, staring at the white wall in front of you.

“No, no, don’t do this. It’s not your fault. And maybe I have a solution to our problem,” he said with a smile.

You frowned at him, “You find yourself another wife?”

He shook his head “Course not, you are the only woman I could ever love.”

You smiled a little and kissed him.

"I was thinking about adoption. We could provide a loving home for a child who needs it," he suggested, waiting for your response.

Adoption? You never thought about it before. The child may not be biologically yours, but you could still be its mother and Rafe could be its father. You could provide all the love and care that a baby needs. You would support the child in every decision, attend all their school events, and throw the most amazing birthday parties anyone has ever seen.

A big smile appeared on your face and Rafe immediately knew that adoption would be the solution to all your problems.

————

"Come on, Lily. Let's get you changed," you say with a smile, looking at the two-year-old girl in front of you.

She clapped her hands as giggles filled the room.

You and Rafe adopted Lily almost a year ago. Somehow she resembled both Rafe and you, having blue eyes like him and your hair color. Nevertheless, even if she didn't resemble either of you, it wouldn't change how much you loved her.

Lily was an angle, quite a shy child but after she saw people a few times she warmed up to them.

Today the three of you decided to go to the beach. You held two bathing suits in front of her, “What do you say, sweetie, pink or blue?”

“Bwu,” She smiled, her growing teeth showing.

She was adorable and you couldn’t be happier to be her mother.

You helped her into her bathing suit before picking her up and walking downstairs, where Rafe was already waiting.

“Dada!” She shouted, making grabby hands towards him.

“Well, look at you. Such a cute bathing suit.” He smiled, taking her out of your arms.

You couldn't believe how happy you finally were. Maybe you didn't carry Lily for nine months, but you and Rafe were certainly made to be her parents.

#rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron x you #rafe #rafe outer banks #fluff #angst #obx #outer banks x reader #outer banks #outer banks x you #outer banks x y/n

[wheelie-sick]

this is going to be a long post, it's kinda just me writing all my raw unfiltered thoughts on ABA therapy as someone who actually went through it

-> TW for ABA therapy, child abuse, suicide <-

I was functionally diagnosed with autism at the age of 3 but it wasn't until I was 13 that I was actually formally evaluated for it and given an official diagnosis. I was behind in social skills and developmental skills

[ID: "was also described as a sensory seeker. She does not currently have any friends and has struggled to make and maintain peer relationships throughout her childhood. Difficulties with social skills were initially noted when she was in preschool (years before the onset of clinically significant symptoms of anxiety and"]

[ID: "Social functions: [blank]'s mother also completed a questionnaire rating her social responsiveness. Her responses on the SRS-2 indicated that [blank] is demonstrating severe deficits in the areas of Social Communication (reciprocal social interaction and nonverbal and verbal communication), Social Motivation (motivation to engage in social-interpersonal behavior) and Social Awareness (perceiving social cues) and moderate deficits in the areas of Social Cognition (understanding social cues). Severe Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors (stereotypical behaviors or highly restricted interests) were also reported. The total T-score on the SRS-2 indicates severe deficiencies in reciprocal behavior that are likely to result in interference in everyday social interaction"]

[ID: "%ile) are mildly impaired, while her social skills are moderately impaired (2nd %ile). By domain, demonstrates mildly to moderately impaired abilities in six adaptive skills areas, including self care (9th %ile), communication (5th %ile), home living (5th %ile), self-direction (2nd %ile), social (2nd %ile), and leisure (1st %ile)"]

and ultimately all this ended up with the number one recommendation after my autism evaluation being for ABA therapy.

[ID: "Recommendations: Based on the above results, the following recommendations are made for [blank] and her family.

1. ABA therapy: [blank] May benefit from an intensive treatment program to foster cognitive and communication skills, improve independence and adaptive functioning, and help manage interfering behaviors (i.e home-based, 1:1 instruction, task analysis, etc.) Most private and community programs are based on principals of operant conditioning and taught in home with 1:1 instruction"]

*I'm getting misgendered here. my pronouns are he/him

"operant conditioning"-- like a dog 🐕🐕. woof woof.

my mom didn't know any better so she put me in ABA therapy with the Center for Autism and Related Disorders. she regrets this. I regret this more.

my autism evaluation was cruel, it dissected all my flaws as if I was a bug under a microscope in a highschool laboratory. my evaluation was passed around to ABA therapists, a line of high schoolers peering through the microscope examining the most vulnerable parts of me.

and I choose the highschool analogy quite deliberately. most of the ABA therapists at my center were recent highschool graduates with no degree and little training. they knew nothing about autism and had no qualifications. you need more certificates to become a professional dog trainer than to become a professional human trainer.

"operant conditioning"

and I wish I could say it was just a poor choice of words but ABA therapy was dog training for children. my dad used to call me an "it" and somehow I felt less dehumanized by that than the entire experience I had in ABA therapy.

I was the oldest person at my center (I did not receive in home therapy) with the next oldest being approximately 3 years younger than me. at the time I felt babied. I was surrounded by 5 year olds and I was treated as if I was not just a 5 year old but an autistic 5 year old and anyone who has been a visibly autistic 5 year old knows what that feels like. I had escaped being an autistic child and now I was being treated like one again. The head of the program tried to console me by telling me adults received their services too.

[ID: "Following the principles of applied behavior analysis, CARD has developed a treatment approach for children and adolescents with"]

this was the first lie they told me. CARD does not work with adults.

I was not allowed the privileges of being a 13 year old. because I was an autistic 13 year old and therefore I was the equivalent of a 5 year old. I was in psychotherapy at the same time and I had grown very accustomed to some level of freedom in therapy. I was allowed to use the bathroom independently. in ABA therapy I was not allowed to use the bathroom independently. I tried once, me and my therapist were on an "outing" to the grocery store and I told my therapist I was going to the bathroom and walked off and I got a very stern talking to about how I needed to "stop eloping" and if I didn't stop it would "become a behavior"

eloping became a common theme used to control me and squeeze money out of my parents.

out of everything I hated in my life, including severe physical abuse at home (which they did not report), I hated ABA therapy the most. I would repeatedly make serious threats of suicide to try to get out of ABA. no one cared. everyone thought I was being dramatic but there were times I wrote out suicide notes and ABA was among the reasons I listed. ABA made me feel hopeless, depressed, revolting, disgusting, inferior, and less than human. between ABA, my home life, and my social life I had never felt so hated and it was boiling through my skin. I acted out, I was bullying people, I was behaving recklessly, I was starting fights, and all this only made the oppressive force of ABA crack down on me harder. I was a cat hissing in the corner begging to be left alone and ABA brought a net to try to tame me further. every time I scratched back it was listed as a reason I needed to be there.

I was "disruptive" and "rebellious" and "uncooperative" and "resistant to treatment" and no one could figure out why I was "regressing" despite me shouting the answer. I was screaming and no one was willing to hear me

I hated myself and my autism. my autism diagnosis made me want to die. I didn't feel freed by it or understood I felt ashamed and disgusted. I felt incompetent and like I had failed. I was ashamed to be at ABA, it was my biggest secret. I'd lie to my friends about why I couldn't hang out and I'd lie to people in public about who the woman I was with was and I'd lie about all of it to try to cover up my most shameful secret.

ABA therapy did nothing but foster this. In ABA therapy I was mocked for being autistic and what was happening only clicked when a young kid, maybe only 4 or 5, was flapping his hands and a therapist took out her phone and recorded him. we were circus animals. it was all an entertaining show to them while they poked and prodded at us with metaphorical hot irons to make us dance. the first time a therapist laughed at me for rocking back and forth I wanted to throw up. I almost did. it was systematic bullying of children I was forced to watch and experience.

my point is: the last place on earth I wanted to be was the ABA center.

so of course I tried to leave. my mom would bring me McDonald's and I'd beg, sobbing real tears, to leave early because only she could sign me out. every time I'd go to meet her I'd be marked as "eloping" and my hotel stay in hell would get extended.

my natural response to a stressful environment (leaving) was pathologized. I was eloping this way and that way and never once did I actually, truly elope. that word was a weapon used against me. they used my "elopement" to justify extending my stay to my parents. they ate it right up.

they argued I needed to stay there because I was making friends. this was true, I'm great at getting along with children it's part of why I want to go into pediatrics, but I had also made real friends with people my age at my highschool. ABA was getting in the way. I wanted to spend time with my friends outside of school but ABA took up all my time from the minute I left school to 6pm and all day on weekends. I was doing a full time job's worth of hours. I complained about how I was missing out on spending time with my real friends (as in, over the age of 7) and I was met with almost no wiggle room in my schedule. I was allowed to pre-plan time to spend with friends but every time my friend group wanted to do something spontaneously? I had to say no, and I had to lie about why. my friends would share stories about driving around town with 2 people in the group stuffed in the trunk, of hanging out in the woods together, of taking part in ordinary highschool activities as ordinary high schoolers and it made me cry because I was not an ordinary highschooler and I was not allowed to participate in ordinary highschool activities. I was one of those weird, unpleasant, socially awkward autistic people instead. eventually, they just stopped inviting me. I was forced into the out group by ABA.

I'll never get that back. I'll never get a chance to be a normal highschooler ever again.

when I did have time available to hang out with people I never had the energy to. at the time I was living with an undiagnosed physical disability and I was begging to see a doctor but no one would believe that it wasn't just anxiety. the people who believed me least of all were the people at the center.

I was constantly told I was trying to get out of therapy by "feigning" very real pain and fatigue. I tried to explain spoon theory, and that I had limited spoons, and in response they made a task for me to name things to "regenerate spoons" that's not how it works. I wasn't the only physically disabled person there. there was a wheelchair user who was constantly forced to stand for periods of time despite being in agony doing it. he wasn't allowed rewards until he did it.

rewards were used to train us like dog treats are used with dogs. sometimes the treats were fun! I'd get to cook, play Mario kart, and go on outings. other times the treats were "using the correct name and pronouns for me." I'd constantly be threatened with deadnaming and misgendering if I was being "noncompliant."

misgendering because of my autism was a theme in my life. my neuropsych evaluation report misgendered me. my parents misgendered me. the staff at ABA misgendered me. at one point the head of the program suggested that my "gender confusion" was because of my autism. my abusive father latched onto this and still claims that the reason I'm "confused" about my gender is because the evil transgenders tricked me into thinking I'm one of them because I'm autistic and therefore easily impressionable.

the two therapists I had were nice because I refused to work with the others. they weren't on a power trip and both eventually left because they realized the harm the organization was doing. other therapists were not so kind. other therapists were on a power trip, because in their mind lording over autistic 5 year olds (and autistic 14 year olds) makes them powerful and strong. occasionally I'd get stuck with one of the other therapists when my usual therapists were out. they would talk to me in a baby voice. they would make fun of me for rocking back and forth, for not making eye contact, for talking about Skyrim "too much" and generally just for being autistic.

I never really knew what I was supposed to be doing, just that I was doing it wrong. the therapists there rarely actually told me what my tasks were they'd just mark yes or no on them, judging me for something I wasn't aware of. I was never actually supposed to graduate, I was never supposed to get out, if they wanted me to succeed they would have taught and explained what was happening but I was intentionally left in the dark.

I continued threatening suicide to get out. no one took me seriously. I was seriously considering it. there's no happy conclusion where someone finally realized it was all wrong, or I figured out how to be allistic and graduated, or I felt more comfortable there. I only got out when covid struck and shut the center down. it's gone now, replaced by a family advice center. I hope their advice for autistic children is to never put them in ABA.

there is no grander message here just suffering. I'm sorry if you were expecting some sort of great point at the end of this. there's not one. it happened, I wish it didn't, and I hope no one else experiences what I did ever again.

okay to reblog

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent #aba therapy #aba survivor #tw aba therapy #tw child abuse #tw suicide #ok to rb

[oldqueergrandma]

If you are a parent, parent-figure, or grandparent, this is for you.

If your kid falls down on the playground and sprains a wrist, it isn't your fault. It's just a thing that happens. Your job, as a caregiver to that kid, is to get them to a doctor (hospital, urgent care, etc.) Your job is to find them the appropriate care, and support their emotional needs, too. Your kid is scared, hurt, embarrassed, and worried.

And any good parent is going to set aside their own feelings to be there for their kid.

With me so far? Good.

As a child myself, I was Having Problems In School. This was the end of the 70s/beginning of the 80s. Neurodivergence was mostly perceived as either "Rainman" or "Little Boy Can't Sit Still Syndrome." I have ADHD and was a weird little kid.

I had to get to 2nd grade before a teacher helped my parents figure out what to do. That teacher explained my issues to my mom. (My mom, the lifetime certified k-12 English teacher with a minor in psychology.)

My mom had an extremely common response to this: she panicked. She took it personally. She acted like this teacher was calling her out as a Terrible Parent.

My teacher held her hand, and very gently but firmly told her, "This isn't your fault. There's no one at fault. But your kid needs help, needs therapy, needs an evaluation, so that we can give that kid what they need to succeed in school." She then used the example I described above. "If your kid fell down and broke an arm, are you going to stand around beating your breast and wailing about being a bad parent while your kid suffers? Or are you going to get your kid to the hospital, and be brave while you do it?"

Now. This is good advice for many crisis situations. The responsible, adult thing to do is to not take it personally, model good crisis behaviour, and get your kid the care they need.

But this message is for all the caregivers of kids who announce that they want to transition.

Your kid is trying to be happy, to be the person they were meant to be. That they are not happy now, and the fact that they feel like they're being shoved into the wrong life is upsetting to them. They're trusting you to help them. They're asking to be given what they need to be happy and healthy. They're asking for you to trust their judgement.

What they are NOT doing is attacking you. They're not telling you that you screwed up as a parent. They're not rejecting the precious gift of a name you gave them, even though *you* have specific emotional ties to that name. That kid is trying to figure out who they are, which is all any human being does with their life. But it might feel like that's what they're doing.

I know that it hurts, feels like rejection, and it's scary. It's probably not the first time you've had to deal with those feelings, either. Adolescents and teens often say things that hurt their parents; there's a ton of books and videos and therapists out there to help you with this extremely common situation.

From your kid's perspective, they've shared a revelation with you. They trust you to give them what they need, and to accept them for who they truly are. They're terrified of rejection or being dismissed. They're anxious that you will try to shove them back into a shape that hurts and caused them grief.

So your kid does not need for you to dump your problems on them.

Do not make this about you.

See to your kid's needs.

And find a therapist to help you deal with your own reactions.

You may be feeling grief, rejection, and fear (fear for your kid, fear about what people will think, fear you can't articulate.)

You may be angry as a result of that fear. You may want to just check out because of the grief.

But any time you feel yourself emotionally reacting, ask yourself, "Would this be the right way to react to a medical crisis?"

My 2nd grade teacher saved my life. Really. She got my mom's head screwed on straight, and my mother shared this wisdom with many parents through the years as a teacher herself.

So take some profound wisdom from the woman who saved me. Process your own baggage without spilling it all over your kid. Be what your kid needs. And if this is a struggle, get yourself what you need, too. Talk to a counselor.

But above all else: this is not about you.

#old queer grandma #grandmas advice #grandma loves you

[sameschmidtdiffname]

If anything were to ever be released from Peeta's POV during the series, I think what I would be most interested in is what was going through his head during The Mockingjay Trial.

Peeta's thoughts during Mockingjay as a whole would be interesting. Peeta is ultimately cunning. We all joke about how Peeta would've ran 13 if he'd been the one that was saved, but I can't imagine Snow was having a particularly fun time with him either. Peeta knows how to communicate with the Capitol. I wonder if part of the reason Peeta was abused so horribly was not to torture Katniss, but because it's very possible there was a real possibility Peeta could've won the war from the inside by turning Snow's people against him with his own personal showmanship. "If it weren't for the baby" is a perfect example of how capable Peeta could be of doing just that.

I imagine once Peeta begins to regain his mind, it doesn't take long for him to realize the multiple problems that exist within president Coin. The problems Gale decided not to acknowledge in the proper manner.

Gale and Katniss are incredibly close. Now, I know we all like to poke our fun at Gale, (I'm definitely guilty of it,) but Gale is a genuinely complex character. He was a kid too. That doesn't take away from how he still did wrong, but you cannot look at him from a black and white lense when legitimately viewing his character. He does have depth.

Gale and Katniss are close because they are similar. They lose their fathers in the same accident, they learn to survive the same way. Katniss speaks throughout the series of how similar they are. It would not at all be impossible for Peeta to assume Katniss was radicalized the same way Gale was since he remembers their relationship despite the hijacking.

I think this is what hurts Peeta the most during the voting for the final Hunger Games. Peeta is at a severe disadvantage to reading Katniss still. His mind is better, and most likely he had already begun therapy in seriousness and was already improving mentally. But he and Katniss have not begun to grow back together yet. He no longer has access to her obvious tells. And yes, Katniss's thoughts are obvious to her inner circle. To everyone else, she is a mystery. Katniss loves him, but he is no longer in her inner circle at this point.

I don't think Peeta would realize the truth of Katniss's vote until she shoots Coin instead of Snow, which I think is the point for many to realize the amount of deep set problems there truly were with Coin. Most of the time it takes someone doing something extreme to make people pause and think.

Peeta is already having to put the pieces back together in his mind about Katniss. I think The Mockingjay Trial would probably be the tipping point of Peeta's recovery due to the testimonies, the evaluations. Something I've wondered is if Peeta was even allowed to testify since he had been hijacked. Honestly, I would assume that he wasn't. Leaving him off to the sidelines, forced to watch as someone he knows he used to be close to be examined live for the nation to see, to be picked and torn apart. I imagine that maybe the general public was not allowed to see any footage, but based off of Plutarchs offer for Katniss to be on a new singing program during their final conversation in 'Mockingjay,' it seems Katniss was correct in thinking there was most likely a live broadcast of her in the Training Center available to watch. Most likely Haymitch was allowed a peak. And through Haymitch, probably Peeta. I don't think it would be until the entire nation is forced to learn the "truth" about The Mockingjay that Peeta has the same moment as Katniss has in 'The Hunger Games,' when suddenly he realizes just how much he does know about her.

I would think this time would be when Peeta and Haymitch also make peace with their relationship as well. Most likely there were probably a few, very hard to have conversations between the two of them during the trial. About Katniss, about Haymitch's promise to both of them during 'Catching Fire,' about being unable to save him.

Peeta returns to District 12 at the earliest opportunity allowed. Probably for a few reasons. It's his home, it is ultimately where he belongs. But I also think there's probably a very large part of him that wants confirmation for what he's sure he already knew. Her thoughts when shooting Coin. When she voted yes. I think The Mockingjay Trial is probably when Peeta decided he wanted to be her friend again. That it was when he finally remembered her. And I'd just really like to see that, even as a short story.

#can you tell i wrote this while fighting sleep #i feel like you can #anyways. maybe ill write a fic about this one day #im tempted. but thats a decision for another day. week. month at this point #the hunger games katniss #the hunger games peeta #the hunger games trilogy #the hunger games #thg series #thg #thg peeta #thg katniss #peeta and katniss #peeta x katniss #katniss x peeta #katniss and peeta #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #peeta #katniss #mockingjay #catching fire #mj #cf #peeta's pov #rambles

[fuckshitslover]

gallavich daughter gets diognosed with borderline personality disorder

They walked into the dark, gloomy office dimly lit by the fluorescents that were all too familiar. The couple had started to sense something off with their daughter, fearing the worst. They immediately got into the car and set off, Y/N with them. She didn’t know exactly why she was going, she had just thought they were being precautionary because of her dad’s mental illness being genetic and all that. She wasn’t worried about being bipolar, recognising all of the symptoms early on, only having a few insignificant ones. (but that wasn’t uncommon with growing up in a place like this).

You see, Y/N was adopted 7 years ago, making her 6. Her family was okay, not much better than the others in this town but not all bad. That was until they found out her brother had gotten into a car accident. He had always been the golden child of the family, so her parents went mad. They resorted to what everyone else in this city did, drugs. Her dad was a recovering addict, and it sent him and her mom into a downward spiral. Someone saw them, worried (knowing that they had a young kid) and reported it to DCFS.

She was in a group home for about 6 months, being a shy little girl and not talking to anyone. That was until two scary-looking men in big black uniforms walked in. She was starstruck. They walked over to the front desk and she ran to them, tugging on their uniforms with a big smile, trying to impress them so that they would take her home. It had worked. The next day they took her back to their shabby two-bedroom unit, and as soon as she walked in, it was a home. Their home. Now, back to the current situation.

Y/N was sitting in a waiting room chair, watching her dads walk up to the front desk, worried looks on their faces. She had been acting out recently, being closed off and getting into more trouble than usual. They tried to do their research, thinking it was nothing. They found out that all her symptoms could lead to borderline personality disorder. She had recently been getting bullied and it takes an event to set off.

They sat down in a bland-ass room, Y/N sitting in front of the desk, biting her lip. “Okay! Hello Mr and Mr Gallagher-Milkovich, what can I do for Y/N today”? The doctor said way too enthusiastically.

What joy does she get from telling people they have life-changing mental problems? “Umm, just an evaluation,” Ian said quietly, almost unsure about what they wanted. He didn't want to mention that they might know what she has, not wanting to come across eager for this situation, because he wasn’t, neither of them were. They knew that if she had this disease, that it wasn’t medicated like Ian’s, that there was no cure. “Okay! That’s all good, but we normally have the parents leave for this part of the appointment, so we’ll send someone out for you when we’re done”.

Mickey’s heart dropped, he didn’t want to leave her, he had been with Ian to the doctors countless times, never being asked to leave. He knew how stressful these appointments are and couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t want their daughter to be accompanied during an uncomfortable session.

The two men stood in fear and anxiety, not excited for what was to come. All they wanted was to be with their little girl.

“Gallagher-Milkovich? Y/N’s finished her appointment and we need to talk to you,”. Their hearts drop. That only happens if something bad is going on. They rushed into the room with Y/N there, looking at them scared. She obviously didn't know yet. “After today's consultation, and looking at Y/N’s medical records we sadly have to diagnose her with something called Borderline Personality Disorder. We can recommend specialists and therapists, but at the moment there isn't any known treatment other than therapy”. Mickey zoned out for the rest of the conversation.

No, he couldn’t go through this again. At least Ian's disorder is treatable, what was he gonna do with Y/N’s? He could see Ian listening intently, not knowing how he could bare listening to the conversation. Y/N looked scared. Of course she did, being diagnosed with a very life-changing disorder would make you scared. Mickey, who was standing behind her pulled her into him, resting his hands on her shoulder. Y/N was silent, even when she was asked a question, she wouldn’t answer.

They understood why, of course. Even the doctor did, never directly pushing for an answer. Once their appointment was done, they slowly walked out of the building and to the car. Y/N sat down, still not saying anything to her dads. Ian was trying to talk to her, but it always came out in mumbles. She understood why they were so uncomfortable.

I’ll make a part two to this with headcannons <333

#gallavich x daughter!reader #gallavich daughter #Mickey milkovich x daughter!reader #Ian Gallagher x daughter!reader #shameless x reader

[stealforreal]

Mommy dearest 3

Tenko is now officially in your care, but his quirk is still not registered. A trip to the doctor goes slightly askew, and once again you are faced with the prejudice that follows quirks.

03 A visit at the doctor's

Waking up to Tenko next to you was still a new, but welcoming feeling. It had been 2 weeks since Tenko officially became your son, and was lovingly calling you mama. It makes your heart so full every time he says it. Over the past 2 weeks, some behavior patterns have turned up. Like how Tenko would scratch at his neck everytime he got anxious, or hadn’t used his quirk in a while. Or how he would always ask, if he was allowed to eat. To combat that you spend a lot of time cuddling and testing his quirk. Let’s just say the garbage disposal company hadn't had anything other than dust from your household. 

You also put Tenko in therapy, where the therapist had been so kind as to allow you to sit and comfort Tenko the first few times. Tenko seemed to like her, and frankly so did you. The therapist was one of the only people so far who didn’t discriminate against Tenko, because she wasn’t afraid of him and if she was she was still professional.

But now that Tenko was doing a lot better, you had to address the elephant in the room. His quirk registration.

“Tenko honey, we need to visit the doctor soon,” You said in a gentle voice. You didn’t want to risk Tenko reacting badly. Tenko stopped playing the new video game you got him “but why mama?” Tenko looked up at you with his big innocent ruby eyes. “Well, we need to get your quirk registered” you said as you caressed the top of his head. Tenko looked confused, “But we already know my quirk, mama,” his confused expression was adorable. “Yes we do, Tenko” you bopped him on his nose, causing him to giggle “but we need a medical professional to examine you, mama is not allowed to, it's illegal even if mama is a doctor.” you gently explained to him, scouting his reaction for any sign of tension.

“Do we have too?” Tenko asks, giving you puppy dog doe eyes. Ever since you adopted Tenko, and the person checking in marked you fit as a parent, he had been very comfortable around you. Tenko knew you wouldn’t hurt him, your words and actions had shown him that. So Tenko had allowed himself to be a child, and free. With that came the puppy dog eyes, usually it was hard saying no to the doe eyes. But you knew when you had to put your foot down.  “Yes Tenko, we have too. I want to make sure you are 100% okay ” Tenko reluctantly gave in. And so you began your journey to the doctors office, you had planned this ahead of time and booked an appointment.

The doctor's office was filled with anxious little kids and their mom or dads, a lot of posters about health and it was all in horrible colors that maybe could make your eyes bleed over time. Tenko was surprisingly enough one of the more silent kids in the waiting room, rather than fidgeting he opted to play on the console you got him on his first shopping trip. The game he was playing captured all his attention, so you used that as an excuse to sweep a glance across the room. 

A young boy and mother with uncanny resemblance came out of the doctors room, one looking schooked and the other glum as glum as can be. Both of them had the greenest hair you’d seen in a long time. Their matching glossy eyes, sparked an ounce of sympathy that took root in your soul. Whatever happened to them, must have been bad. I hope they’ll be alright. 

With Tenko consumed by his game, and you observing all the people who come and go, the wait went by fast. “Ms.y/n and Tenko, I’m ready to see you now.” The doctor announced it in the waiting room. “Tenko honey, put the game away, it's us now.” Tenko nodded his head, saved the game and shut off the console so you could have it in your purse again. Hand in hand you and Tenko followed the doctor. Once in her office, it gave you a chance to evaluate her. She was young from what you could tell, wore her hair up in a bun and had an expensive set of rings on her fingers. Oh no, a privileged kid turned doctor. Wait bad y/n, maybe she won’t be so bad. While in your head you almost missed her first question and the tone that followed.

“It says on the paper you're here today for a quirk evaluation. So first I need to ask what your relationship is” There was a certain sneer to her voice as she spoke the word , relationship, as if she couldn’t be more judgemental she also gave you the elevator look. “Mother and son” the answer came out with more bite than intended, but her everything was giving you bad vibes at being judged. It made it even worse when she turned and scanned Tenko, causing him to retreat into himself. Silently you began petting his head, stroking his hair in an attempt to offer some comfort from the doctor.

“Alright, it says in the notes that you have discovered Tenko’s quirk but would like a medical evaluation.” Silently you offer a nod and a little ‘yes’, doing your best to not march out the doctor's office. The doctor just gave off such a bad feeling, like you are not enough and are the scum of the earth. A pretty bad feeling to have when you're visiting a children's doctor.

“Okay, I will need Tenko to come with me for the tests, to do the evaluation ” Tenko’s head snapped over to you, big red eyes pleading not to. “It’s alright Tenko, it needs to be done. Besides you never have to again afterwards, doesn’t that sound nice honey?” you calm Tenko down, the small pout on his face tells you he’s not exactly happy with the outcome.

You were ushered out of the room, and into the hallway. Time ticked by slowly, your heart was hammering out of your chest. What if she hurt Tenko, the doctor seemed to be the type to let their prejudice dictate their actions.The door opened after some time  “you can come in now” The doctors words were sharp, clearly something happened. The doctor seemed on edge once she came closer to Tenko, and Tenko was sitting in a chair with his head down and trembling fist all scrunched together. 

“Well the evaluation is over, I can give you some pamphlets on what to do. But, don’t ever come here again” The doctor said tensely, while she was stocking piles of pamphlets into your arms. The top pamphlet said something along the lines of: how to deal with a villain's quirked child. The nerve of that woman had you seeing red. “Excuse me, did you mean to give me these pamphlets? '' The tone in your voice almost had the fully grown doctor shaking in the knees. The doctor, not wanting to lose face, tried to shift the blame towards you “Well, maybe if you hadn’t had your son so early he would have had a non- villain quirk” she spat out the words, son and villain quirk.

Seeing red still, you scooped up the trembling Tenko and hugged him close. His fists were still clenched together, a sure sign he was uncomfortable with his quirk again. Two weeks of getting better all down the drain p´because of a rookie doctor with quirkism prejudice. “Who are you to tell me or my child, that his quirk is villainous. If anything you are the one behaving like a villain here, I hope you get fired after I contact the hospital about your unacceptable and less than professional approach ” with the scolding of the doctor done, you headed out the door with the softly crying Tenko. When you reached the lobby of the hospital, you swiftly threw out the stupid pamphlets and grabbed your bags. The journey to the car was filled with a lot of kisses to Tenko’s head, and back rubs to the best of your filled hands ability.

The car ride home consisted of you trying to make conversation with Tenko, asking him about his games and other topics that usually got him talking nonstop. But he was mostly silent, only giving a small ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when you asked him direct questions. So you stopped trying to make conversation and instead turned up the volume of the radio, deciding to give Tenko some space and time to process.

Tenko was still mostly unresponsive when you arrived home, so after placing your things away and in their spots you scooped Tenko up and sat ión the couch. “It’s okay Tenko, I love you no matter what the doctor said. Besides I know you a lot better, so I know she was wrong honey. You will be exactly what YOU want to be, it doesn't matter if it's a professional gamer or hero. You quirk is not villainous there is no such thing, so don’t worry honey. ”

Sitting in your lap, and hearing you reassure him was just what Tenko needed. Wailing he flung into your embrace, and sobbed his little heart out. He was so relieved, you loved him and would still keep him. He wasn’t cursed with a villain's quirk, mama said so and she was always right. 

After calming down Tenko got sleepy, it took a lot out of his little body to be so pent up with emotion. Before he fell completely asleep his little sleepy voice rang out “I love you mama”. Sighing and smiling a gentle smile you picked up Tenko, choking to put him to bed. With a kiss to his forehead, you could only look forward and swear you would make him continue to feel loved. 

It seems like the journey of motherhood is a long one ahead, luckily you were always ready for a challenge. Tenko was going to get the best mama in the world, you would make sure of it.

Previous chapter : here

Next Chapter: here

#mha #bnha #mha x reader #bnha x you #bnha fluff #bnha angst #shimura tenko #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki #bnha hawks #mha hawks #hawks bnha #mom!reader #mother!reader #mha x you #bnha tenko

[one-armed-lass]

*the patient records of Miriam time at the hospital had never been released, Till now of course, there wasn’t much on Miriam and her Time there, specially when most of the records had been lost in flood or fire damage, some files made it out but not all of them….there was two though that made it out of Miriam file two pages from Miriam file had made it out and she was just finding them today.

But where you might ask? Where did Miriam find these two pages, on the desk of Dr Hannibal Lecter, her semi adopted father, she was looking for Hannibal to ask him something and she thought he could’ve been in his home office, when she couldn’t find him in there she decided to look elsewhere but before she left, she saw something that caught her eye, a peice of paper with her name on it and she looked around a bit before going over to his desk where the paper was.

As she picked it up she saw what it said*

Mental Health evolution

Patient Name :Miriam Maria Lass

Patient age : 25

Doctor of patient:Sutcliffe

Date: October 29, 2013

Patient information : Miriam Lass has sustained multiple injuries during her time of absence, including amputation of the arm, bruising around the neck, as well as a fractured ankle and psychological trauma. Miss Lass was ordered to see a psychologist and given medication for her injuries or any pain she had dealing with her ankle. After further evaluation of Miss Lass , doctors have found she suffers from a case of PTSD, anxiety and depression. Doing further research we found she was already diagnosed with early-onset depression at age 15. She was given Prozac as a medication but it seems after her aunduction, she’s been off the medication for almost a year now.

To help with this we have decided to Give Miss Lass Mirtazapine, she is instructed to take it daily. At the moment we have Miss Lass under 24 hour watch, to make sure nothing happens and she is taking her medication and eating. We are working on getting her started on rehabilitation therapy as well as making sure she is also going to therapy every week.

Miss Lass mentioned she does not wish to contact any of her biological family, at this time and we will possibly have her talk more about that Later. I have instructed Miss Lass to reach out to someone if she needs to, Jack Crawford has taken up that role as well as Agent William Graham.

Crawford and Graham will also help with the psych evaluation by trying to find a good doctor for her. Agent Crawford has suggested Dr Alana Bloom. We shall get her set up with Miss Bloom to see how comfortable she is and continue or findings later.

*form update *

Date: November 22 , 2013

Patient: Miriam Maria Lass

Psychiatrist : Alana bloom

After a few sessions with Miriam it is shown she suffers from a major case of not only PTSD, Depression,Anxiety but Insomnia as well, her current dose of medication is a perfect one and we have decided to keep it that way unless we notice any changes.

Miriam doesn’t talk much during our session together, she only nods and will sometimes hum when answering questions. While looking more into Miss Lass history it seems whatever history of therapy she had was wiped clean, besides her being prescribed Prozac early on that is all i can find on Miss Lass as of the moment.

*Miriam frowns a bit confused why did Hannibal have her Medical records? Specially from her time in the hospital. But before she could continue looking she heard footsteps and she quickly put the peice of paper down back where it was at before quickly running to the door and opening it on quietly looking both ways before leaving and quickly walking down the hall before anyone could see her.

Has she was walking, she kept wondering. Why did Hannibal have her medical records?* @enabler1therapist2

#miriam lass #hannibal rp #hannibal lecter #hannibal nbc #nbc hannibal #hf!rp

[blackquillchillin]

Okay for Simon romancing people in Stardew Valley, we gotta evaluate the potential relationship with each of the characters, so, starting with the Bachelors!!

Alex: gives young person vibes, similar to how Sam does, but more then that i just don't think he's Simon's type. Cocky Jock with Gridball on the brain, eh. I don't know they'd have anything to talk about, really.

Elliott: Aesthetically quite nice, though I don't know if I picture Simon as being very appearance focused in partnerships. Very Artsy. Could work, though I think Simon would be pretty neutral towards him initially.

Harvey: Huge Bonus is that he does not appear as young as some of the other Bachelors. I'm also biased, as He and Sam are the only two I've gotten to marriage to personally. (and quite liked both of them) That said...I don't think he has enough Confidence for Simon. He's dedicated to being a doctor, sure, but he's also nervous, with huge amounts of anxiety at times. He talks constantly about the health and safety of the town, but when other topics do come up, particularly in dating, he's easily flustered. As cute as i find him (and his mustache) I don't think Simon would be interested.

Sam: Reads as too young. everything's still about skateboards and music. Not too young for romance, mind, I romanced him, but too young for Simon. does have golden retriever energy though, which is nice, and really loves his younger brother, also a plus. and he does grow a little once married, But I think it would feel weird. Better match for someone Athena or Apollo's age.

Sebastian: Now here's where we get into the fun stuff!! I think Sebastian would NOT like Simon, who in turn would be....very neutral towards the young man, and completely unaware of the one sided rivalry brewing. See, a lot of the problems Sebastian faces are concerns about not being able to establish himself. He's living in his Mom's basement, with his Step Father he dosn't get along well with, and half-sister who he sees as being favored over him. He also feels no one takes his job seriously, (example, in his two heart event we learn Abigail plans to come visit regardless of him working) but one thing he IS is the town's resident Goth, even more so then Abby. So, imagine, just imagine, how frustrating it would be for him when Simon rolls up, Grumpy and Standoffish, Shock of black hair, dressed all in black, hawk perched on his shoulder, already having his own space with a job everyone recognizes and not having to answer to anyone. If we wanted to count who's edgier, Simon's even been to prison. Heck, in this world he might even have prison tats, anything could happen. And Simon? not the least bit concerned about this, or even aware.

Shane: On the one hand, no one should romance Shane. Shane needs a friend, absolutely, but he also needs therapy, and is not ready to commit to marriage. I might feel differently about this if he wasn't returning to drinking after tying the knot, or reacted to you giving him Beer after quitting. On the other hand, they're both deeply troubled, and I absolutely pair deeply troubled fictional characters, both romantically and platonically. (Bobby Lives! Blackbright whomst, on both counts) They could be deeply troubled.....together..........

And that's the Bachelors! Next up, Bachelorettes..... Abigail: One of her Big character conflicts is growing pains and tension with her Dad. Too young for Simon.

Emily: Too new age-y. I do think they could be friends, though. She'd gift him crystals to "help him absorb negative energy" and he'd get caught in anything she's hung from the ceiling, like dream catchers or beaded curtains. She would be brightly optimistic even as he grouses about life, though wouldn't always appreciate his sarcastic ways.

Haley: Okay hear me out, same energy as Blackmahdi, or NyQuill as I prefer to call it. Sure, it's missing the Ying-Yang color scheme, but consistently arguing? taking pot-shots at each other? both being complex characters with real human motivations underneath their cruel exterior? yeah. It could work. Emily wouldn't be thrilled that that's how they talk to each other though.

Leah: Don't have a reason for it other then I just don't see it. Like, sure, it could happen, but I just don't think it would, you know?

Maru: Simon would be immediately put off by her dad, like that's a big no. Also, she reads fairly young, being at least younger then Seb. also, while he may be reasonably fond of her as a person, (or maybe not, i dunno) I think growing up with Aura may have killed any interest in inventors in general.

Penny: Okay, I know I said Harvey was too timid for Simon, and Penny doesn't exactly exude confidence, but it's not the same. She's a lover of children, who's actively trying to teach the only two children in town. She's aggressively helpful, and trapped in rough circumstances. Also, he could sweep her up in his arms and hold her close and she could gently help him through his anxiety attacks and no I'm not projecting-

Lastly, It's not Romance, but Platonic,

Krobus: No notes. Sweet little guy. Perfection. Simon would share his house with him, as would anyone.

And that's the list!! let me know if you want to hear potential dynamics with the other townsfolk, I may have more thoughts about some of them then others, of course.

#simon blackquill #ace attorney #stardew valley #stardew bachelors #stardew bachelorettes #simonsays

[foster-the-world]

Birthday weekend

What a lovely Birthday weekend. Friday my husband picked up the cookie cake I requested. At the park Bee invited all of her friends over. Surprisingly their parents said sure will come. It turned out to be very nice. The adults talked while the kids created little skits. They stayed for a few hours. It was fun. Saturday getting the girls to clean up their room was a huge fight but eventually they did it. Took Rebel to her first soccer game of the season. They lost by a lot but Rebel scored the only two goals. Surprinsgly, as she mostly slowly moved around the field behind everyone else. I think one ball happened to bounce off of her into the goal :) Husband made my requested french onion soup. I put pringles on it - which is odd but amazing. We all love it. Today we did went to Bee's soccer game. Funny how kids get so much better as they age even without practice. I guess its natural motor skill development. Bee scored her teams only goal. Baby boy and rebel ran around Central Park enjoying the sunny weather. Then my husband took all three kids to the girls horseback riding lessons. Then onward to a state park. I relaxed and watched Dear Child. If you like thrillers I recommend it.

Friday Baby boy had his first of four evaluations. It went fine. He acted like himself as he always does. She thought he had autism and mentioned moving him to a special ed school with multiple (20-30) hours of individual therapy every week. A lot to take in. We are surprised. He's never had a yes answer to a single question on the autism screener. His regular OT has said she doesn't see it. We got back the private assessment we paid for and no mention of autism. That being said we are staying open to the idea. We def think he's not neurotypical we just assumed it was SPD with ADHD coming down the line. Both of which can def happen alongside autism. She said he had good eye contact with me but only some with her. She said he is "remarkably bright" and did very well on a pattern tests she gave him on her ipad. I know he didn't even finish the test because he's not the type to sit and answer questions when he can move around. When she threw a small football around with him he played catch with her three times but then started throwing up to himself. She said neurotypical kids would want to continue playing with her. I suspected he stopped playing because he's a great thrower but can't catch someone else's throw because he moves too much. Whereas, when he throws it up he can catch it. But who knows?? I'm also wondering if the diagnosis will help him out. I'm sure it will be easier to get therapy from insurance. In addition, I wonder if people will be nicer to him. Right now if I say sensory issues I assume people just think we didn't teach him to behave properly. But with autism people maybe more forgiving of his sensory issues. Anyway, I didn't question her. I knew that would make me look like a mom who doesn't want her kid to have a diagnosis. I'm happy with any label that will help him get what he needs. I def think he needs more services. I'm not sure 20-30 hours is it but will see once the final report comes in. We still have a speech eval, an OT and a PT eval. Then they have sixty days to give us a report with recommendations and set up an IEP meeting.

I'm glad we have the special ed consultant booked. I can ask the advantage/disadvantage of getting the diagnosis?? Plus, a million other things that I have rolling around my head. I spent a lot of time researching this weekend. I watched two documentaries about kids with autism. None of the kids were anything like baby boy but still interesting movies.

[moonbeam-fox]

I think a lot of people who've never been committed don't realise how hard it is to get put in psych against your will for more than either a 24 or 72 hour hold, and how genuinely high the threshold for keeping you against your will is.

In Washington state, the only place this info is relevant (although it probably applies in many other states) we are about 800-1200 psych beds behind, which is the most conservative estimate. That means ahead of you, there's 800-1200 ppl at least whose symptoms are extreme, genuinely endagering themselves or others.

Obviously it does happen, especially the 24-72 hour evaluation hold variety. After my hold, I voluntarily committed myself for 96 hours and then very quickly realised it was not the right treatment environment for me, and I signed myself out. Obviously my in house therapist was resistant (she met me less than 24 hours after an attempt) but she admitted that i wasn't a danger to myself or anyone else, and so by the legal threshold of commitment, she couldn't hold me.

I saw a post just now that said "I wish there was a way to go to therapy without risk of handcuffs or grippy socks" and it was probably intended to be funny, and maybe some of us do have symptoms that severe, genuinely. But it's probably a much smaller number than you think. If you need someone to talk to about what you're experiencing, please seek that out.

Obviously it's your choice what to tell a therapist or psychiatrist, if it's a genuine fear you have (esp if you have violent ideation) you can always give a curtailed version of that. Most mandated reporters i know (who are legally required to report threats of violence) can distinguish between someone blowing off steam/venting about intrusive thoughts they don't want to be having and don't plan to act on, and someone with a genuine vendetta about to commit acts of serious bodily harm or self harm. When in doubt, it's your choice what to keep to yourself.

But please know you can seek treatment, especially at the introductory levels, with very little risk of the guys in the white vans apprehending you with terrifyingly large butterfly nets.

#my posts #psych #it was lourdes counseling center in walla walla for reference #keeping replies on for now but i will delete n block jerks #keep it helpful or keep it moving #psych misinformation based solely on my personal experience

[yellow-lemon-lime]

Hi I hope this isn't rude to ask, but I saw on a post that you deal with self blame delusions? And well I wanted advice on how to help someone cope with that. Because my sister has this idea (tbh I'm hesitant to call it a delusion since she has her own logic for believing it which I can understand even tho it's great logic) that she is the sole cause of everything wrong in my life, including that I'm chronically ill*. Which is just not the case at all?

*I have me/cfs, one of the theories is that it's essentially long mono, since my sister had mono once she thinks she gave it to me which caused me to get cfs and cause my chronic illness. But since I was asymptomatic and only know I had mono at all is because of biomarkers we don't even know when I had it so she might not even given it to me in the first place.

(sorry if this is over stepping a boundary or something, but she doesn't want to do therapy and I don't know what else to do...)

Hi @skydemonizark Sorry for the late reply, I was out with my husband, and we just recently got home. Don't worry, your question is neither rude, nor stupid to ask. I am more than happy to answer any question, one might have about a lived experience with delusions, psychosis or schizophrenia in general.

I will preface this by saying, that this is only my experience with delusions and schizophrenia. Others may have totally different experiences, and that's okay, because even though, delusions (and schizophrenia) follow general rules. How we experience the symptoms are different for each person.

I will also say, that I am not a licensed therapist, psychologist or psyciatrist. Again this is solely based on my lived experience. I strongly advice anyone who is dealing with a medical problem - whether it is somatic or psychological, that they contact a professional or in emergency cases dial 911/112.

Now in order to answer your question. It's important to know what a delusion is and isn't. A delusion is a belief in the patient, that is neither naturally and/or culturally possible. F.x. Believing that Jesus is the son of God, is not a delusion, because many people believe that, so that is culturally acceptable. Believing that your neighbor is Jesus himself, would be a delusion, because only you believe that, nobody else does, and especially not your neighbor.

I cannot say whether your sister's belief IS a delusion, but I know from my own experience that logic is a huge part of delusions, but it's a twisted kind of logic.

Let me give you an example with one of my own delusions: I got a job at the hearing aid center, at my local hospital. When I started working there. The waiting time for new users was approximately 6 months to 1 year. When I had been there for a while, the waiting time had skyrocketed to over 2 years. Now my delusional logic, told me, it must be because of me, right? It happens just as I start working there. How could it not be my fault? So I felt constant guilt about making things hard for deaf/hoh people in my town. And please be noted, that I had no idea that it was a delusion. I wasn't diagnosed at the time, I wasn't even being evaluated. So I had to rely on my own twisted logic, with this delusion as well as the other delusions I had. Sometimes I doubted my logic, but for me it was like having two logics. One wasn't more right than the other.

When I did get the diagnosis, and started on medication and therapy, I noticed a change in my way of thinking about my blame about the waiting time. I am fully aware that medication and/or therapy isn't for everyone. We are all different. But for me, both things were essential to getting better. Antipsychotics, didn't remove my delusions, but they sort of prevented the anxiety I got from those delusions. But I still needed to fix my twisted logic. At the time I got my diagnosis, I hadn't been working at the hearing aid center for a good month (I was literally forced to quit just before I got my diagnosis) Time went by and I didn't have the delusion-induced anxiety anymore, but I still had the belief that the increased waiting time was my fault. One day I was sitting with my therapist, and we were talking about big and small, and I mentioned the delusion, like I had done a few times before. For some reason, I also mentioned, that, oh there was this one audiologist who had mentioned, that the hearing aid center had let off a huge portion of the workers there, and my therapist asked me: "Don't you think, that could be why the waiting times increased?" And I gave it a thought, and thought, maybe my therapist is right.

You're telling me, that your sister doesn't want to do therapy, and I 100 % respect that. Therapy should be done willingly, and only in the event that a person is in danger to themselves or others, should forced therapy be even considered.

I would try mainly 2 things. One thing would be what my therapist did to me, and try to find counter-logic to the delusional logic. Do be adviced that it may not necessary work, if the person is so in deep with their delusion, that no amount of outside counter-logic can get through. The one thing I strongly advice against with any delusions, is either agreeing with the person, or saying to the person that they must be crazy or something. Both things can be very detrimental to the persons mental wellbeing.

The second thing I would try to do, is to switch the whole agenda. Yeah it sucks that you both got ME/CFS, even if you personally are asymptomatic. Instead of focusing on the "why?" or "who?" try focusing on the "how?" Don't ask yourselves, why did you both get this? Who is to blame? Instead ask yourselves, "How can we manage the symptoms we may have, and how can we support each other in living with this illness?" and I believe that could go for anything, that she, you, or a third person may struggle with. Someone may have asked. "Why did this happen to me?" They may never get an answer. So they should instead ask "How do I get going from here?"

I also advice you to take care of yourself, eat a varied diet, get plenty of hydration, exercise to the point that you are able to. Get plenty of sleep. If you take medication for anything, keep taking that. Also be a little selfish, and buy yourself chocolate or something once in a while. And in any case you start feeling, that something is wrong, mentally or somatic. Don't hesitate to contact a medical professional.

I hope my answer gave some insight, although it's just one experience. I invite any person with schizo-spec illness/psychosis or delusion, or possible mental health professional (if there are any on tumblr) who might be reading this to give their insight and opinion. I wish you and your sister and the rest of everyone around you, a pleasant and carefree day

#Schizophrenia #Delusions #Ask

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

___________ 

I was tagged by @spotsandsocks.  Thank you for the tag💕.

I wanted to share seven several sentences from chapter 4 of “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!” 

I’m enjoying writing this fic because it’s giving me the chance to unravel the mess that was the 6x18 ending for Buck, Eddie and Chris.  Also, it’s taking them places the show refuses to go including Buck facing his past (Taylor’s book just bit him in the ass at the end of chapter 3 and Eddie doing a self-evaluation journey so he can try new things, some of which he believes he missed out on when he was younger.

Chapters 1, 2 & 3 are already available on AO3 and chapter 4 will be posted soon.

___________

Here are two snippets from chapter 4 since Eddie’s in El Paso and Buck’s still in L.A.

___________

Eddie

Eddie wakes up when his phone starts ringing at 7:02AM.  He glances at the contact info on his cellphone and he only answers it because he sees his sister, Adriana’s picture.

“Adriana, why are you calling me so early?”  He says with a rough raspy voice.

“Well… hello to you too Eddie and did you know good morning is the best way to greet someone this time of day?”

“Yes, I do know that but you’re calling me way too early.  Is everything ok?”

“It is but I’m calling for a good reason.”

He sighs and rubs his hand over his face.  “Oh yeah, what’s the reason?”

“I’ll tell you when I know you’re awake.  Are you fully awake?”

“Adri, are we really doing this at…”  He trails off as he pulls the phone away from his ear to see the time.  “7:03AM? Surely you could have saved this conversation until later in the day.”

“I could have but I want to take you and my nephew to breakfast.  We all took off work for the family reunion and since we haven’t seen you in a couple of months, we want to spend time with you.”

“Look... we just got here last night and I was planning to go grocery shopping this morning since we’re staying at an Airbnb and…”  He doesn’t get to finish because she interrupts him.

“Eddie!  Let me treat you to breakfast, please?”

“Ok, ok… but I need to be back her before 12noon.”

“Why?”  She asks with a huff at the end of her question.

He goes back and forth about whether he should mention he’s in therapy but instead he decides to avoid giving her a direct answer.

“I have some stuff I need to do... stop being so nosy.”

Buck

He cringes when he hears a laugh followed by, “If it isn’t Evan Buckley as I live and breathe.”

Even though he wasn’t sure on Monday when Ali Martin drove into the firehouse with her son, or on Tuesday when he bumped into Natalia Dollenmeyer at the beach with her fiancé or on Wednesday when he saw Abby Clark’s, or whatever the hell her married last name is, new baby announcement on Facebook; but now he’s 100% sure the universe is not only mocking him, it’s taunting and making fun of him too.  He wishes he would have listened when the universe tried to warn him but it’s reminding him that he didn’t.

Taylor loudly says, “Come on Buck, I know you broke up with me but we can still be friends, can’t we?”

Buck doesn’t respond, he just turns around and walks out of the coffee shop.

Taylor’s right on his heels and she follows him towards the parking lot.

“Wow, I didn’t know you would completely stop talking to me.”

“Uh… I don’t think we should be talking to each other right now, I—I mean with everything that’s happened.”

“Oh, you mean my book. Don’t worry Buckley I didn’t name you specifically.”

Buck sees red and he wants to curse her out but he’s trying to remain dignified.

“Let’s not do this Taylor, please.”  He exasperatedly says.

“Let’s not do what? You mean payback?”

“Payback?  What the hell does that mean?”

Buck’s so involved in his conversation with Taylor, he’s not paying attention to the Channel 8 news crew that just pulled into the drive thru.  The cameraman starts filming when he recognizes them and he captures their entire argument on film.

___________

Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading

Read chapters 1, 2 & 3 on AO3.

No pressure tagging: @shortsighted-owl​.

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #christopher diaz #the buckley diaz family #buckley diaz family #911 fox #911 on fox #911onfox #911 abc #911 season 7 speculation #911 fanfic #buddie wip #buddie fanfic #Fanonwriter2023 on AO3 #ao3 fanfic #Buddie Seven Sentence Sunday #Several Sentences Sunday #Hiatus Reading

[teabookgremlin]

i have a little iris update to share! she’s been with a professional trainer for a week now and the trainer has been working a lot on evaluating how she interacts with other dogs and has determined that her reactivity is fear based and just when on leash (not an uncommon issue in dogs, but also a difficult to manage one). as of now they are just going to be seeing how she does/how much progress they can make with her reactivity and start evaluating her as a potential explosive detection dog. i think that she would be good at this as she does love games and climbing on things although i am still holding out hope that she’ll be able to be a therapy dog. anyway i miss my girl very much but she seems to be doing well right now. here is a picture of her and her little brother, jazz, on their way to a field trip!

#irisposting #no word yet on another dog for me but i should be hearing about that in the next few weeks #i’ll continue to share more as i hear more

[saiilorstars]

Ch. 24: In A Blur

[Story Masterlist] // [Aitana’s Masterlist]

Fandom: Criminal Minds // Pairing: Spencer Reid x OFC

Taglist: @ocappreciationtag​​​​​ @arrthurpendragon​​​​​ @anotherunreadblog​​​​​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​​​​ @stareyedplanet​​​​​ @averyhotchner​​​​​​ @foxesandmagic​​​​​​

If you’d like to be a part of Aitana’s taglist, please let me know!

Also available on Fanfic ○ Ao3 ○ Wattpad

The days after Emily's death passed by like a blur. The BAU seemed to sort of shut down for a while. They worked cases almost monotonously because it was their duty, but they weren't always together. Taking a few days had almost been a requirement for everyone, just not at the same time. Spencer and Morgan were the ones to take the most days out. No one batted an eye at the fact. Being short-handed wouldn't be a problem until later, but later was now.

Aitana didn't mind coming in early when Hotch asked her to. She'd taken it upon herself to work extra hard in the last week to cushion those who didn't have the energy to. Hotch, however, was the only one whose schedule hadn't changed. She admired him for that because she herself was struggling. He was the boss. He couldn't afford to do the same. He had to keep working.

"You understand that you were hired as a part-time liaison for the situation, right?" Hotch decided to start with first. It seemed so long ago now the day JJ came to him with the idea of who should take her job after she was gone. Aitana unknowingly thought of the same thing.

"Yeah," she whispered. "JJ gave me a landline. It's the first job after WP that I've been able to hold onto."

"And you've done it well. Not everyone has the skills to be a liaison. That's why it's a specific position." Hotch wanted her to understand that before he went into his next point. "You've been here a little bit more than 6 months now so you know that you're up for your probationary evaluation."

Aitana nodded. "I know."

"With Emily's passing, things have gotten a little backtracked but I need to warn you that it is happening."

"I figured," Aitana said. Strauss has already told her that the first time they met and she was not looking forward to having the evaluation if it was with her. "Is, uh, Strauss going to be—"

Hotch shook his head, a faint smile marking his face. "No, that's my job." He almost laughed when Aitana audibly exhaled. "She'll just see the paperwork."

"Okay." Aitana couldn't help the smile that made it to her face.

"As policy, the others are going to be subjected to a therapy session to see how they're handling Prentiss' death. You, however, as well as Seaver, are exempt due to your short term at the BAU."

"I sense a 'but' coming in soon…"

"Yes. I'll do the evaluation when I do the grief therapy. Give you time to process along the way."

"Thank you," Aitana said. She eyed Hotch curiously, trying to figure something out that she wouldn't exactly be hiding either.

For that matter, Hotch would move straight into the real reason she was called in earlier. "Strauss wants me to hire a new profiler, preferably an experienced one. Seaver is just about to graduate and having a probationary Agent wouldn't exactly be ideal under these circumstances. I am going to see my options but being frank, I would rather take over as a part-time Liaison with Garcia and simply change your position to a full time profiler." Aitana's eyes widened but she didn't say anything straightaway. "Strauss won't get off my back until the position for a profiler is filled and, thinking like JJ, a familiar face is always better than a new one. Especially when that familiar face does her job well. Is that something you would be interested in?"

"Umm…" So many things ran through Aitana's head that she couldn't answer quick enough. "I think...what would that...entail, exactly? I mean up until now I've done half and half…"

Hotch agreed. "Yes, but because of your liaison duties, it's kept you from the field at times."

"Right." Aitana's mind immediately went to the last big stunt they pulled which had been rescuing Emily. She had stayed behind to secure the area from civilians.

"We could afford it because there were plenty of other agents we could count on but now that…" Hotch trailed off as Aitana began to nod. The numbers had changed drastically. "Seaver will most likely move on and even if she doesn't, she still needs to gain experience before she could officially join. You had your experience before entering WIP and the following year when you got out. These months you've spent with us definitely helped you out too. If you're interested, the position would be yours...if you're interested in remaining here at all."

Aitana's eyebrows raised. "Come again?" The words blurted from her mouth. "At all? Do you think—"

"It was just a saying," Hotch clarified. "At the beginning you weren't very convinced about staying here. If that's still the case, you are more than welcomed to make a transfer request. I would write you an outstanding recommendation for whatever department you'd like."

"Oh," Aitana blinked. The idea of being free to transfer to a different department hadn't even crossed her mind. She's been so focused about getting her current job right that she hadn't even considered that maybe transferring to a different department could do her well too. It would definitely help ease her schedule.

"Would you like some time to think about it?" Hotch asked even though he already knew the answer. He understood it was a lot to take in and process. He had no qualms when Aitana admitted that she did need a few days. "You can talk it out with the others, if you'd like. Look around other departments if that's where you're thinking."

"Thank you," Aitana said, rising up from her chair to leave. She would really need a few days to think about the options she was presented with.

~ 0 ~

In order to get a feel of just what she could do with her career, Aitana made herself scarce in the BAU for a couple days. Penelope straightaway noticed the lack of her partner and though she wanted to ask about it—because she knew it wasn't personal days taken to mourn—she managed to keep her mouth shut. She went on presenting cases on her own. Slowly, the team started coming together again to try and be how they used to be, if that was even possible.

On the day that Aitana would need to return due to what seemed like a big case, she would be at home going over potential vacant positions. Her best friend, Elia, was with her trying to help organize the positions for Aitana's sake.

"You're kind of a slob," she crinkled her nose as she placed a new pile of papers on the floor.

Aitana was on the floor, cross-legged, as she read over one position. "I'm not a slob just because I refuse to move my puzzle," she said ever so calmly.

Elia sent a glare at the half finished puzzle on the coffee table. She'd made the mistake of pushing one corner of the puzzle to place some papers earlier. Aitana nearly chewed her head off with 'That's my puzzle! I'm going to finish it!'. "How Angel lives with you, I don't understand."

Aitana lowered the paper from her face to shoot Elia a smirk. "Just stay away from my puzzle and you won't get yelled at anymore."

"Right," Elia playfully rolled her eyes. As irritated as she portrayed herself, a huge part of her was so glad to see her best friend acting more like her old self. Working for the BAU really seemed to do the trick, and for that matter she was a little on the fence about Aitana changing departments. "Are you...are you sure you want to leave the BAU?"

Aitana didn't look up to see Elia's worried face but her tone was enough to know about it. "I'm not sure, El. That's why I'm looking. When all this started, I didn't have options. I was getting on people's nerves quitting and then taking up a new position. Nobody trusted that I could hold onto a job. JJ did and now that I've been at the BAU for a while—doing press conferences—my doors are opening again."

"So...you want to leave?"

Aitana shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

"It's just...I know I haven't really met your team except for Emily and Spencer, but...they sound nice. I wouldn't want you to have to start all over again with new people that you might not even get along with!"

Aitana paused before she read from a new paper. She raised an eyebrow at Elia, staring at her until she began to fidget. "Elia...something on your mind?"

Elia pursed her lips together. She wasn't planning on saying anything for fear of upsetting Aitana but if she was asking…?

"Elia?" Aitana asked again.

Elia sighed. "It's your job, it's your life, but as your best friend, I don't think you should leave." Aitana hummed but because she didn't say anything, Elia panicked. "I mean—I will completely support you whatever decision you make!"

"Calm down, Elia," Aitana laughed.

"I'm just saying—you've been doing so much better since you joined the BAU and I wouldn't want to see you regress."

"I won't," Aitana said, smiling softly at her. The fact she could believe in what she said showed her just how much better she was doing in comparison to the previous year. "The BAU is where I started getting better but my health is not dependent on it."

"Of course, of course," Elia nodded fairly fast. She didn't want Aitana to think that she thought the BAU was the only place she would be healthy.

"Elia, seriously, calm down. Whatever's on your mind, just tell me. I won't get mad."

Elia pulled in a breath before she would explain. "It's just hard to forget the people that cared so much about your possession when you guys knew each other for a few days. That to me spoke volume of their characters."

"That...that was a complicated thing…"

"I know, because of the whole snoopy reading and stuff but I'm talking about how much they cared enough to search for someone you knew and give the journal to them...me," Elia pointed at herself with a big grin on her face. "It's hard to find co-workers like that, trust me."

"I know," Aitana nodded. "But it's like I said, I'm just looking. I want to see the options."

"Have you told any of them about it?" Elia deduced the answer before Aitana even said anything.

"No," Aitana released a breath. "It's been too much of a mess for obvious reasons. And the one time we took off from mourning was for Seaver's graduation ceremony and I obviously wasn't going to say anything there." It'd been a bittersweet gathering anyways and it had been about Seaver. She wasn't going to say anything and ruin Seaver's day.

"You thinking about doing it soon?" Elia asked cautiously.

Before Aitana could say another 'I don't know', her cellphone vibrated on the table. She reached over for it to see a text from Penelope.

Big case. Urgent. Need you in.

"Is it them?" Elia curiously wondered.

"Yup," Aitana sighed as she sent a quick text back to Penelope. "I have to go."

"Of course," Elia nodded, gesturing for Aitana to go. "I'll leave this organized for you."

Aitana was already getting up from the ground. "Thanks, El." She would have to get her go-bag together again. After a while of not traveling, the bag had found its spot in the corner of her room.

~ 0 ~

Most of the team were already at the round table. Seaver was accepting a box of cupcakes when Aitana walked in.

"Woah, where'd those come from?" the brunette asked, curiously trying to take a peek over Seaver's shoulder. "And who did not spell right?" Because instead of saying 'Congratulations Graduate', it was missing the 't' and 'e'.

Penelope groaned from her seat, causing a small chuckle from Morgan and Spencer. "Don't remind me. Kevin is going to get an earful."

"Kevin?" Aitana and Seaver exchanged the same looks between themselves.

"Oh!" Penelope blinked. "Kevin, my boyfriend."

"Your what?" Aitana made a gesture of 'how the hell do I not know this?'. "Penelope, that's the type of information you share upfront! What if I actually flirted with him?"

"Not your type, Spicy Sprinkles," Morgan smirked as he grabbed a seat beside Spencer. "Trust me."

Penelope waved him off before he said anything else. "If you come by more often, I'll be happy to share more of my life with you," she said to Aitana instead, meaning each of her words in a playful tone.

"Sorry," Aitana still felt the need to apologize. Things were hard enough without her having to go missing for a few days. "I've been...looking."

"For what?" Seaver asked out of sheer curiosity. She grabbed her own seat and started passing the cupcake box towards Morgan and Spencer.

"Oh, you know, positions and whatnot," Aitana shrugged her shoulders casually but it was a failed attempt from the start. She was measuring each of their reactions.

Penelope, unsurprisingly, was dumbfounded. Seaver merely raised her eyebrows. Morgan was more puzzled and Spencer seemed to be calculating her instead.

"I'm sorry—what?" Penelope snapped out of her trance first. What seemed like disbelief and a possible irritation flashed across her face. "You're leaving!?"

Aitana's mouth opened several times but the right words were failing to come out. "I-I mean...I wouldn't...I'm not…"

"You're seriously thinking of leaving?" Spencer had joined Penelope with the same expressions. His head tilted to the side. "Now?"

"I just…" Aitana suddenly regretted ever opening her mouth. "Hotch was talking to me about my options now that...well…"

"Now that Emily is gone, you want to leave too?" The way Spencer finished that sentence was never the way Aitana would view things like. It caught her off guard, especially coming from him.

"Not like that," Aitana said quietly, her lips nearly forming a pout. Why was he spinning things like that against her?

"Then how else?" He challenged her to come up with a better answer.

The laugh was definitely not something she planned on doing but she had never been spoken to like that from him. She couldn't quite believe it, honestly, hence the laugh. "I am so confused right now..."

"Yeah, so are we," Spencer muttered. He could feel Morgan's burning gaze on him asking him what the hell he was doing. He didn't quite know.

Whatever Aitana would say next—because she didn't exactly know how to respond to that—would be interrupted by Hotch and Rossi coming in last. Aitana silently sunk into her chair beside Seaver who, due to the circumstances, could only give her a reassuring smile. Penelope would present the case but she would make her points later.

"Ok, we're going to Portland, Oregon, and it's not for a dead moon concert. So, Jay Johnson, a DJ, was cutting through an alley on his way home after leaving a club when he was bludgeoned by a pipe and then stabbed 31 times. His watch, his cell, and his computer were stolen. That was 2 days ago." Penelope brought up a picture of a woman on the screen for them. "Now, early this morning, Karen Heywood, a 30-year-old nurse, died during a home invasion. She was stabbed 40 times, but first she was bludgeoned with weapons of opportunity. Eight different ones, to be exact."

"That's too many weapons for one person," Seaver said at the top of her head.

"There was a left- and a right-handed killer according to the m. E. report," Penelope added.

"Yeah, but 8 different weapons…" Morgan reminded, "So we're looking for a group."

"And the left-handed wounds were deeper than the right."

"Maybe a woman was involved?" Aitana theorized. "Or a weak man."

"Anything taken from the house?" Spencer asked almost immediately after her as if she hadn't even asked anything in the first place. Aitana shot him a look, still incredulous he was going in this direction. He, however, didn't even afford her a glance.

Penelope hated that said missing glance was on her instead. Still, the job demanded her to answer. "According to a neighbor, just some random stuff: a computer, some jewelry, a framed picture of a Lily. And pawnable items."

"What do we have, serial-killing crooks?" Rossi looked over the hard copy in front him. "Sounds like a musical. Similar victimology... young professionals killed 3 miles apart. Is there a gang situation in Portland?"

Penelope shook her head. "Minimal."

"This seems more like desperate people in need of quick cash," Seaver thought logically and it did have some sense in it.

"But why kill them if it's just for the money?" Morgan challenged her, giving them something new to think about.

"That's what we have to find out," Hotch said, concluding the meeting. "And we've got 8 hours till nightfall. Let's go."

As everyone prepared to leave, Aitana lingered with her hard copy file. She was aware of the quick way that Spencer left the room. At least Morgan seemed to follow him to hopefully aid her a little bit.

"Did I do something wrong?" Aitana scratched her head.

"I think it's just the grief," Seaver said, trying to ease her nerves. She wasn't too fond of the mock-frown on Penelope's face. That certainly wouldn't help.

"It most certainly is the grief," Penelope 'hmphd' as she gathered her belongings. "After everything we did to find you and then these months we've worked together, you're just going to get up and leave?"

"No, of course not, I mean...I was just looking," Aitana said, feeling like a broken record the many times she'd said that already. "Hotch was asking me what I thought about becoming a full time profiler and he mentioned that he was willing to write me a recommendation if I wanted to transfer."

"But why!?" Penelope was all but stomping her way up to Aitana, her lips forming the most dramatic pout Aitana had ever seen. Not even her nephew did that.

"I'm just weighing my options, Penelope. I'm allowed to do that."

"Of course you are but wouldn't you rather stay with us instead?" Penelope turned her pout into a grin in record time.

Aitana's eyes moved towards the open door. "I don't know, maybe somebody's already wishing I was gone."

Penelope flipped her head in the bullpen's direction, eyes narrowing on Spencer already by his desk. Morgan was already trying to probably coax out an explanation from him. "Oh you leave Boy Wonder to me!"

"I would rather we not further push," Aitana admitted, now mostly out of fear for what Penelope might come up with. Behind her, Seaver snickered.

~0~

At the local precinct in Oregon, the evidence boards were already being made when the team arrived. The lead detective had passed the case's information to the conference room for them.

"That is a lot of stab wounds…" Seaver remarked with slightly widened eyes at the unfortunate pictures they had of their two victims.

Two very different spots served as the crime scenes yet the bodies both contained a similar overkill.

"The house too," Morgan directed her and Spencer to the home of their second victim which had been completely trashed. "It's a disaster."

"But according to what Garcia said, nothing of real value was taken," Spencer said as he went over the list she had compiled during their plane ride. "At first glance the responding detectives saw a television intact."

"Alright," Aitana strolled into the room with a paper in hand. "I got the names of the last people Jay and Karen supposedly talked to the night they died. I've got the club worker for Jay and a supermarket employee. Hotch and Rossi are going over Karen's house so we should just divide and conquer between us."

"Seaver and I can take the night club," Spencer was up and ready to leave with the Agent he chose.

Naturally, Aitana blinked in surprise when he came over just to pluck the paper from her hand. His eyes did a quick skim of the information then he handed it back to her, never once looking at her. "Ready?" He found Seaver and motioned her to leave with him.

The blonde agent was reluctant to go, her gaze crossing with Aitana's. "Uuh…"

Spencer wouldn't wait for her response. "I'll meet you at the car."

"Spencer?" Aitana called after him in vain. She turned to the remaining agents with a helpless look. "What the hell? Did I really piss him off that badly?"

"It's not you," Morgan said, intending on comforting her. He himself had yet to get a concrete answer out of Spencer so he was simply going by what he thought.

"You can go instead," Seaver offered but Aitana shook her head.

"No, I'm afraid that I'll mess it up even more. You go."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, completely."

Seaver had no choice but to go catch up with Spencer. When she was gone, Aitana met Morgan's gaze. A sour smile crossed her face. "Are you willing to come with me?"

Morgan smiled genuinely at her. "You know it, Spicy Sprinkles."

~0~

Together, Seaver and Spencer went through the last location of Jay Johnson.

"So Mr. Johnson exits the nightclub through the back door to get to his car…" Spencer took the lead out from the backdoor of the club. He held the door open for Seaver who walked out into the alley.

"Maybe one unsub can watch from over there and the other from back there," she reasoned, eyeing the dumpsters lining both sides. It wouldn't be that hard to hide and scope. "Then when he gets here, another unsub hits him with a pipe and it's game on." Her eyes soon landed on the ground that were littered with all types of drug tools. "Look at the vials, Reid. This is a drug corridor."

Spencer would agree. It was easier to find the single spots of ground that weren't covered with drug vials. "That would explain why there's so much overkill."

"Maybe they were on something," Seaver said. "On the jet I did some research into the club. A year ago, someone O.D.'d inside. Since then, new management's clamped down on the partying."

"Which means the unsubs most likely fit into this area," Spencer nodded. The geo-profile he presented earlier was not that off then.

"Well, if you can't party inside, then you come out here," Seaver made a gesture to the alley. It would work as a party scene for drug users. "They're probably all the same age."

"Yeah, mid-20s," agreed Spencer.

"We should communicate that with the others."

Once more, Spencer would agree but he made a subtle request for Seaver to do the communications.

"Reid, you know that Aitana has every right to work where she wants, right?"

Spencer nodded. He started heading out the away for their car. "Of course. She has every right to do whatever she wants."

Seaver raised an eyebrow behind him. She followed slowly. "Then why are you giving her the stink eye?"

"What? No I'm not!" Spencer's lips rightfully formed a frown.

"Yes, you are, and it's very unlike you." Seaver felt like she had a right to say that because in the months she'd worked with him, she'd never seen him act in any kind of rude way. "If you're upset—"

"I am not upset," Spencer snapped, only acutely aware of it after doing it. He wasn't upset; he wasn't angry. It was the fact that nobody understood him that made him mad. Of course he knew that Aitana could get up and leave whenever she wanted to. As Seaver said, that was her right. Why she would want to leave was beyond him. With Emily gone, shouldn't they stay together? Help one another out? Had they...not helped her enough?

He liked to think that they, as a team, had helped Aitana slowly reconstruct her life. They didn't hold her hand but they offered a shoulder to lean on whenever she needed it. In doing so, she'd become a part of their team. Losing her was just another way to throw the team a curve. More losses, more change? His stomach churned at it.

~0~

It was uncanny how Aitana and Morgan finished their phone calls at the same time. Morgan had gotten a call from Hotch with a theory that they may be looking for just one unsub instead of a group like they initially thought. Aitana finished conversing with Seaver about the potential age of their Unsub(s).

"So we might be looking for one Unsub who could be in his 20s," Aitana related the phone call now that they they nearing they grocery store.

"Was that it?" Morgan asked, hoping there was perhaps a few more details she may be forgetting.

Aitana had to unfortunately squash that hope. "Yup. The Unsub is most likely in their 20s, possibly a drug user. That's what Seaver said."

Morgan didn't miss the emphasis and the subtle message behind it. He side-glanced the brunette who was walking with a grim face. "Hey now, don't worry too much. It'll pass."

"Yeah, but what did I do?" Aitana couldn't comprehend why looking into options was so...terrible?

"You look just as bothered," Morgan noted.

Aitana's lips were almost scowling, her freckles stretching as her cheeks puffed. "I am!" She admitted. "It's actually bugging me a lot!" It was almost startling, really, how irked she was about it. "I didn't say I was leaving. I was just looking to see what's out there. Why is that so bad?"

"It's not," Morgan confirmed. "And it's not that Reid thinks it is-"

"Then why is he so goddamn mad?"

"Well," Morgan shrugged. "At first glance, he doesn't like change and there's been some heavy changes lately." Aitana stayed silent at that. She did, however, stop walking. "JJ was forced to leave at the beginning of the year and now…" Silence cut through. It was still hard to say it out loud. Emily was gone.

Aitana exhaled a breath. It was hard to hold onto her frustration. "Dammit. That actually makes sense—but I don't have to like it!" She pointed a warning finger at Morgan. "And I don't have to stand for it!"

Morgan bobbed his head. "Yeah, but maybe you could talk?'

"Why should I? He's not exactly talking to me right now."

"Alright, maybe you should just let him cool down and maybe do the same for yourself." Morgan patted her shoulder and continued walking to the grocery store. He heard Aitana grumble under her breath but he decided not to comment. If Spencer wasn't talking to her then the least he could do as a friend was to let her vent.

They eventually found the employee from Aitana's list and pulled him aside to converse about Karen's final hours.

"You're sure you didn't see a group here that night?" Morgan asked the young man.

The man shook his head, looking pretty sure of himself too. "No. Just that woman and a few other people, but no groups. Look, if our cameras worked, you could see for yourself."

Aitana spared a glance at the cameras on the ceiling. They were up there as decoration. "Well, is it possible there was a group out in the parking lot?"

Once more the employee shook his head. "It's a ghost town. Nothing happens here that late."

So far, things were turning out to be like Hotch had suspected.

"All right, tell me where you saw Karen first," Morgan prompted the man to show them.

The man pointed to a few cash registers down from them. "She was buying cookies, and then she went to the register."

"Any other customers there?"

"There was one at the other checkout." The man watched as both agents' face scrunched with no doubt the same confusion.

"Why would you have 2 registers open that time of night?" Aitana was the one who eventually inquired. It seemed like a waste and every business always sought to minimize costs with their employees.

"There was this weird guy, mumbling to himself and swatting the air like someone was bugging him," the man explained, even now looking perturbed by the customer he described.

"What did this guy look like?"

"Regular white dude. Greasy. He was buying salt, bag of chips, water."

That could be who they were looking for.

"Did this guy and Karen interact?" asked Morgan.

"He said something to her, but she blew him off."

"Just put her head down and said something dismissive back?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Yeah. We tend to do that when strange people talk to us. Unfortunately, it can backfire."

"Especially for women," Aitana remarked, already half guessing how things could have gone down.

Shortly after leaving the grocery, Morgan called Hotch back to let him know what they learned. "Yeah, Hotch. You were right. He was by himself, but he was acting strange, like he was being followed."

"Reid and Seaver said that the first victim was killed in an area of high drug use…" Rossi said from the background, "If he's hallucinating, it could be pcp. That would explain why he stole random things from Karen's place. He was out of it."

"And the erratic patterns in the stabbing," Hotch added, "The adrenaline rush from the drugs is probably behind the overkill. Get in touch with Garcia about the missing items."

"On it," Aitiana assured. Morgan led her back to the SUV and took the driver's seat while she called Garcia for the update.

"Okay!" the blonde chirped over the speakerphone. "Ok, I checked all the local pawn shops to see if any of those stolen items had shown up there. I'm coming up empty."

Aitana tilted her head, pondering for a moment. "Maybe he's trading the goods for drugs. Wouldn't be the first time."

"What do you mean, 'he'?" Penelope replied, puzzled. "We're talking about a group, right?"

"No, we think it's a solo addict who's hallucinating that he's not alone," Morgan explained.

"Wow. That is a game-changer!" Penelope said, her finger wiggling as she pulled up new searches.

"Okay, call us back if you find something," Aitana instructed and was about to hang up when Penelope called a sharp 'wait!'. Aitana blinked at the phone and once with Morgan.

"Can...can you take me off speaker for a second?"

Morgan smiled out of bemusement. She had a way of asking for things.

"Sure." Aitana couldn't help the amusement either. She brought her phone to hear and promised that the call was just between them now. "What's up?"

"I just...wanted to apologize for before," Penelope started off slowly. Aitana was almost sure that she was pouting. "I may have come off as nosey and...maybe a little selfish…"

Aitana chuckle relieved Penelope more than the former would've thought. "Pen, I'm not mad. I promise."

"I just didn't want you to leave but if that's what you want then of course I will support you 100%! I will make the visits, the phone calls-you and I are friends for life!"

Aitana couldn't help the second laugh. "I got the memo."

"We could make movie nights!" Penelope went on, her mind already scheduling out what days they could set it up. "What's your favorite movie!? I feel like you're a Disney gal!"

"Umm...yeah, I guess I am. I like Lilo and Stitch…"

Morgan snorted. "What?" Where, oh where, had this conversation gone?

Aitana rolled her eyes at him and pointed up ahead. "Eyes on the wheel, nosey."

"Oh!" Morgan exclaimed, feigning his offence.

Penelope snickered from the other end of the line. "He is, isn't he? But I love either way!"

Aitana mused over that relationship. If she left the BAU, she was sure that she would never find anyone like those two.

~ 0 ~

After another unfortunate victim crossed their paths, the team had grasped a pretty good idea of what kind of Unsub they were dealing with. which led to their presentation of the profile for the precinct.

As usual, Hotch began the profile for the group. "We believe our unsub is a white male paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from hallucinations. Since schizophrenic breaks usually occur in your early 20s, we believe he's around this age and that he lives nearby."

"We think this unsub is hypervigilant, and in this condition, he's unable to travel very far from his home. He kills at night and is extremely violent," Morgan took over, though a lot of the time his gaze wasn't on the attentive detectives but instead on Spencer. The young doctor sat pensively on the table behind them, eyes staring hard at the floor.

"During the day, he's most likely a loner," went Rossi, "Someone in this state probably can't keep a job. We believe something happened to our unsub in his childhood. "Childhood voices are telling him to kill, or he's misinterpreting them as doing so."

"Our unsub has probably been coping until now, but a recent stressor brought him back to that childhood incident and is causing him to act out," Seaver added, "Our unsub spends his days wandering, trying to fight the desire to kill, yet he feels trapped by his hallucinations. No matter what he does or tries to do, the hallucination's power is greater than his own."

"Because of his limited social circle as a child, it is our belief that the incident involved close friends or family," Aitana said, "Now, once we figure out what happened when he was a kid and the stressor that recently triggered a relapse, we'll be that much closer to narrowing down the killer's identity." She ended purposely so that Spencer could introduce the zones that he thought the unsub would most likely be. Instead, silence fell. She turned her head towards the man, surprised—and perhaps a little worried—that he had spaced out on them in the middle of the profile. "Um, Reid?"

At the call of his name, Spencer startled. He looked up to see everybody staring at him, waiting for his input. "Umm…" He looked around him for the map he'd been working on and pulled it off the table. He turned it around for the detectives to see. "We need you all to start searching in this area." He made a weak gesture towards the deep red circles he'd draw over the zones. "Based on previous kills, we know that he strikes at night and will not retreat until we find him."

Nobody would comment on his languid presentation, at least not at that moment.

Aitana had actually paced back and forth a good fifteen minutes before working up the courage to talk to him again. She couldn't help wonder if his behavior was because of her. She never wanted to affect his work, even more when she knew just how good he was at it. She ventured out to find him and was lucky to catch just as he was about to go into the men's restroom.

"Spencer! Could we talk for a moment?" She was hopeful that he might be more open to a conversation.

"I'm not really in the mood..." He started and unknowingly squashed her hope with those six words already.

"Please!" She clapped a hand against the restroom door, effectively keeping it shut. "The way you were earlier with the profile—" She startled when he scoffed sharply at her.

"The profile," he muttered.

She blinked at him several times. "Um, are you upset with the profile?" Had their disagreements come to affect even that? "Because, really, the profile was a team effort. I didn't come up with it."

"I know," he said, settling a look on her. "It's a bit misleading, don't you think?"

"Well...I don't...I don't really think so…" Aitana admitted, her eyes slightly wide. It wasn't like him to say anything like that about their profiles. "I thought it was pretty spot on."

"That profile kind of makes it sound like schizophrenia leads to serial killing!"

"What? That's not—we would never imply that! Why would you even think that?" She frowned. "Just because you're mad at me—"

"This has nothing to do with you, Serrano!" he snapped. It startled Aitana again. He never called her by her last name. He turned for the restroom but sighed when her hand remained against it. "Could you move, please?"

Not wanting to further provoke him, Aitana pulled her hand off the door. He went inside without so much of a glance her way. She didn't know how long she stayed outside, or if she had even stayed long enough, but she stiffened when she saw Morgan coming her way.

"Don't take it personally, sprinkles," he said, letting her know that he had everything.

"It's a little hard not to," she swallowed hard. God, why was this affecting her so much? She had pissed off so many people before ever meeting the BAU, for God's sake! She snapped out of her thoughts when Morgan placed a hand over her shoulder. She looked up to see him offering her one of his best, possibly charming, smiles.

"This case just got a little more personal for Reid, but it's nothing to do with your issues. Once he comes off it, he'll come back to talk to you."

"Will he want to?" A humorless laugh slipped out of her. "Because it seems like every time I open my mouth, I make it worse."

"Hey now," he playfully bopped her chin, "I'm not quite sure I like this pouty Aitana."

"I am not pouty," she said with all the maturity in the world. "I just don't like it when my friend is mad at me."

"Mm, 'friend'," he smirked.

She rolled her eyes. "Not like that, Morgan. I just really don't like it, alright?"

"How's about I go and talk to him, huh?"

"I'm honestly afraid…"

Morgan deadpanned her for a second, raising a finger to warn her to watch her words. Still, in the end he flashed her a smile and went into the restroom. It was no surprise to find Spencer throwing water at his face at the sinks.

"Okay, Pretty Boy, what are you doing out there?" Morgan jerked a thumb over his shoulder as if Aitana would still be on the other side of the door.

"What?" Spencer's response was slightly muffled by the paper towels he was dragging over his face.

"Don't 'what' me—you're doing a very good job messing with Serrano over there."

For once, the glare Spencer sent Morgan wasn't one the latter would want to be under. "I am not doing anything," he muttered and threw the paper towels at the trash. He didn't care that half of them hadn't made it to the trash.

"Okay, it's the profile too, I know," Morgan said, letting his head hang low to catch Spencer's gaze. "But she doesn't, right?"

"No," Spencer agreed, "She doesn't know my mom has schizophrenia."

"Okay, so you know it's not very fair to take out your frustration over this on her, right?"

"Of course," Spencer mumbled. "But this profile we gave, it—there are many different types of schizophrenia."

"I know that," Morgan nodded.

"Catatonic, disorganized...just because someone suffers from inability to organize their thoughts or they can't bathe or dress themselves, it doesn't mean they'd stab someone in the chest 30 times postmortem."

"Of course," Morgan agreed. "And I'm sure that Aitana agrees with that too."

"Our unsub's hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear, leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures, I think we should be trying to figure out what it is."

"Ok, listen to me." Morgan stopped Spencer from trying to leave, at least for another minute. "I know this is a scary age for you. It's when schizophrenic breaks happen. Have you talked to anybody about this?"

"Not really." Spencer squared his shoulders as if trying to shake off the turmoil he was feeling inside. He was more than halfway through his 20s, if any symptoms would appear the time would be now. It was needless to say that he'd paid extra attention to himself over the past years and he was unsure whether or not to be afraid that nothing of the sort had happened yet. He was anxious each day, wondering if this day would be the day the symptoms started.

"Have you considered talking to a doctor?" Morgan tried.

"I have visited a few just to make sure," Spencer admitted. Nothing had turned him towards the doctors except for his precautions. "They all say I'm fine. Perfectly healthy."

"Then why don't you believe them?"

"Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition are like finding a penny in an ocean. It's next to impossible. I have to take it day by day and hearing profiles like that does not help. Knowing what could wait for me, it's...it's…" Spencer had no way of finishing that sentence, nor the desire to. His hands tangled together.

"Kid, keep calm," Morgan instructed, "As far as you know, you are healthy. The only things you have going on right now is grief for Prentiss and a disdain for change. Serrano does not deserve that last one."

"I know," Spencer said, inwardly sighing. He despised change and Emily leaving them was a huge change for the team.

"Then why don't you go and explain yourself to her, hm?"

"Because she might just get angrier knowing my reasons." They weren't exactly the best reasons, much less reasonable since he was basically blaming her.

"Something tells me that she won't," Morgan winked. "Work the old rapport you had with her three years ago."

Spencer tilted his head at him, expression falling flat. "Not funny," he pointed, truly hating the teasing laughter that came out of Morgan.

"It was funny then and it's funny now. Go get her, Pretty Boy," Morgan winked again, prompting Spencer to leave in a hurry. He was not interested in another.

~ 0 ~

After a bit more digging, the team came to realize that perhaps the unsub was trying to take care of himself by performing a sort of exorcism. It wasn't much to go on by but it was enough to acquire more possible witnesses.

"He came here in duress about...2 hours ago," the priest was able to answer Morgan and Spencer almost on the spot. They hadn't even had to describe the man for the priest to know who they were looking for. "He said voices were blaming him for a fire, and he needed me to get rid of them."

"You're right. He thinks he's haunted," Morgan mumbled to Spencer.

"Did he ask you for an exorcism?" Spencer asked the priest.

"Yes. He claimed his mother had taken him to get one when he was young."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I couldn't do it. Throughout history, people have confused possession with mental illness. Some still do. Nowadays, most churches turn people like him over to medical professionals."

"I'm assuming he didn't take your rejection well," Morgan said.

"He was very angry."

"But he didn't attack you? He didn't threaten you in any way?"

The priest shook his head. He didn't even appear harmed either.

"He's probably gotten help from the church before," Spencer deduced. The unsub was a violent one and he'd proved it. "Was there anything else about his behavior that you found odd? Like something he maybe said or did?"

"No. I told you everything. Oh…" the priest made a pause, "Um, there is one thing. He had a stutter."

That was certainly new.

"Psychogenetic stuttering begins in the area of the brain that controls thoughts and reasoning," Spencer was saying in a fit of thoughts once he and Morgan left the church. "It's most commonly associated with mental illness."

"We checked with the supermarket guy and the lady at the building, but neither one of them heard stuttering," Morgan said after checking the text he'd gotten back from Aitana to confirm their original suspicions.

"Which means it's either caused by the schizophrenia medication or maybe it's situational," Spencer said.

"Well, the presence of it along with the fire information should help Garcia narrow down her list." Morgan had faith that Penelope would come through for them.

There would just be one more murder before she could do it.

Aitana was the one who called it in. The precinct had alerted her early in the morning the day I got a new victim. There is no doubt that it was from the same unsub due to the overkill on the corpse.

"I already took a look," she told Morgan and Spencer as she led them into the house. "It's bad. Detective Colbern's talking to other neighbors to see if they heard anything."

Because once the pair of agents were led in the room and they were able to see the corpse, they would think that other people had to have heard this woman screaming for her life. She was on the ground with so many stab wounds all over her. A pool of blood was right beside her, staining the carpet.

"I'll go see if Colbern needs me outside and leave you two to make your own assumptions," she said to the pair, though her eyes lingered more on Spencer when she spoke.

"What?" Morgan sent her an odd look. "No, we need you here."

She smiled so strained that both men had to wonder if it physically hurt her. "Believe me, I get it. Personal space," she said, eyes directly on Spencer, "I got it." Her smile dropped and she turned to leave.

Spencer absolutely hated the way Morgan looked at him as Aitana walked out of the room. "You know you had that one coming-"

"Yeah, I know," Spencer cut him off sharply, preferring not to look at him for the moment. He'd already messed things up terribly with Aitana, he did NOT not need the commentary too. He would rather focus on this case first and then see how he could redeem himself to Aitana later.

He moved around the corpse, eyeing the different stab wounds. "This victim's a lot older than his other ones, Morgan. She must represent something to him."

"Maybe his mother who had him exorcised," Morgan theorized. "Now that he can't get one, he's taking his anger out on a surrogate."

"Aitana said the EMTs didn't do anything so why's there a body imprint next to her?" Spencer gestured to the print beside the corpse. The more he studied it, the less it appeared to belong to an EMT. They would lie down.

Morgan came to the same conclusion and nearly shuddered. "Why would the unsub lie down next to a person he's just killed?"

"He slept here," Spencer reached the conclusion first. "Look at the number of stab wounds."

Morgan had. "There's gotta be over 50 of them."

"71," Spencer corrected. "Do you know how physically exhausting it would be to stab someone 71 times? It's hard enough to stab someone 10 times, but 71…" He did the hand movements against his thigh, thinking about each stab and the energy the Unsub would have to use.

"He'd be completely worn out," Morgan trailed over the stab wounds. "He's accelerated wound counts, which means he does it intentionally."

"Wait, that's it," Spencer blinked, "If you add the increased number of stab wounds and the fact that he slept here to the vivid hallucinations and the unexplainable onset of stuttering, you get the missing variable. This guy's an insomniac. Just as adrenaline makes a person love the feeling of killing, once it leaves the body it makes them tired."

Morgan had a hard time wrapping his head around it but not out of disbelief. He'd seen much odder things. "He does this all to sleep…"

"The insomnia is what makes the hallucinations so clear, and sleep is the only release that he has from them." That was what they'd been missing all along. Spencer dashed out of the room first, prompting Morgan to quickly follow.

They grabbed Aitana on the way, rather harshly that the brunette was left stumbling a few steps. "I'm not as tall!" she complained in their run. On the back to the precinct is where she would learn why they'd rushed back.

~0~

Garcia was quick to find their potential Unsub now that they had refined their search.

"Ben Foster has a prescription for thorazine and ambien…" she started saying and unknowingly helping to connect the last of their pieces.

"It's likely he uses the money from the stolen items to buy the pills he needs," Seaver said.

"What's his background, baby girl?" Morgan bad to ask if only to truly confirm this was their guy.

"He moved to Portland 3 years ago. A month ago he was in an apartment fire, after which he got a sleeping pill medication because his insomnia began again. Oh, my…" Penelope paused, only the sharp intake of her breath leaving a noise, "When he was 10, he was questioned during an investigation about a fire that killed 3 people."

"It could be part of the homicidal triad," Morgan remarked, waiting for the others to agree with him. They did.

"I'm looking at the police report right now. It turns out 2 months before, his mom had a local minister perform an exorcism on him, and the 3 people who were killed in the fire helped perform that exorcism."

"Was Ben charged?" asked Hotch.

"No. He was acquitted in juvie court."

"Do you have an address?" Rossi said.

"2627 Halden way!"

"Thanks, Garcia," Hotch hung up the call then turned to the team. "Alright, let's start planning."

The others agreed and while they started, Aitana rushed around the precinct gathering the detectives. Once they were all together, they settled on the best extraction plan.

They headed off for the house of Ben Foster, hoping to surprise him. The easiest way to capture him and avoid any incidents was using surprise as an element.

Hotch was at the head of the group, leading both Seaver and Morgan towards the front of the house. Rossi and Spencer would take the other group around the back while Aitana and Detective Colbern spread the remaining detectives around the block.

Of course their element of surprise wouldn't last long. Hotch burst through the front door, his group flooded the living room.

"He's going out back!" Morgan exclaimed over the comms., prompting Rossi and his side to take over.

They headed for the back only to catch a glimpse of Ben making a dash for it through the back gate.

"He's going through the back street!" Rossi yelped through the comms.

"We're on it!" Aitana exclaimed, making a sign for the others to go around. One way or another they would trap the guy.

Hotch and Morgan separated to take each end of the street while Aitana crossed through the middle. Being smaller allowed her to slip in-between two gates of buildings.

"I see him!" She exclaimed, pushing herself to go quicker. She glanced back to see Seaver sprinting to a stop at the entrance between the gates. "No, go around the other way!" Seaver reluctantly nodded and turned back.

"I'm after him!" They heard Spencer say. He was currently chasing after Ben with a couple other detectives.

Aitana soon made it to the other side and saw Ben coming in her direction. She saw Spencer and the other detectives at a distance behind him. Though she came out in a stumble, she raised her gun on the man. "FBI! Stop!"

Ben did no such thing. All Aitana saw was the wave of his knife coming at her. She fired once but with his arms flailing, she missed. Instead, he came up with an attempt to punch her. She had to duck and in doing so, turned slightly on her side. Coming up, Ben took the opportunity to jab his knife on her exposed lower side. She yelped, eyes widening on Ben who couldn't seem more frazzled. Just as easily he had plunged the knife into her, he yanked it out of her.

"Wait—" She tried reaching for him but he took off, pushing her in the process. She stumbled and eventually fell to the ground. Her breath was ragged and shaky as she tried to see her wound.

"Aitana!" Spencer skidded to a scrambling stop beside her, falling to his knees. "Y-you're hurt—"

"I'm good! Go!" She waved a hand at him, though because it was the hand on her injured side, she groaned out of pain.

Spencer motioned for the other detectives to catch up with Ben. "I need backup; there's an agent down! Aitana, here…" He tried raising her body only slightly but stopped when she let out a yelp.

"No! No! Just go!"

"I am not going anywhere! You're hurt!"

"It's a scratch—ow!" Aitana lurched forwards with a particular strong jab.

"You need to apply pressure!" Spencer moved her hands over the wound, pressing enough to stop some of the blood flow. He could see her blood beginning to stain his hands. He panicked. The blood seemed to be coming out faster? He couldn't tell if it was just his imagination or if it was really happening. All he knew was that this was the way that Morgan had found Emily in that warehouse and no matter how much he tried, Emily had still died. He didn't get to say goodbye to her and now if something happened to Aitana-an idea that was already scaring him to the bone-the last things that happened between them were arguments. More change and more pain.

"I can do it, just leave me!" Aitana was in no position to push his hands off her but she still tried. "Go catch the guy!"

Spencer refused and kept his hands right over her wound. He could feel her hands weakly wrapping around his wrists emptying to get his hands off her. "I'm not leaving—"

"GO!"

"YOU'RE NOT DYING TOO!"

Aitana stared at Spencer with widened eyes. Her hands let his wrists go completely. He was too frantic with himself and he only just now realized it. He couldn't help it. This had to end differently than it had with Emily. He couldn't let her leave this way too.

"I-I'm not dying," Aitana said slowly, swallowing down a groan to make her case. "I'm...it's just a scratch." She should've known that this would go deeper for him. Maybe that's why this whole thing started in the first place and she missed it! What kind of profiler was she—no, what kind of friend was she if she couldn't see it?

"It's not just a scratch!" snapped Spencer. "It's a stab wound! You're not…" He couldn't even finish the words. This was a similar way to what led Emily to her death and he was not going to let Aitana go down the same road.

"I'm not, I promise!" Aitana exclaimed. "It doesn't even hurt that much, go! Go get Ben!"

"Aitana! Spencer!" They heard Seaver who was running towards them.

"Go get Ben!" Aitana ushered Spencer to get up. He shook his head stubbornly. "I said GO!" she yelled, immediately regretting it. Spencer hesitated even when Seaver came to their side. Aitana gave him an encouraging nod. "I'm good, it doesn't hurt."

"We got her, Reid," Seaver promised him.

He was absolutely against the idea of leaving but given the situation, he forced himself to do it. "Just...just take care of her," he told Seaver. "I'm—I'll be back, Aitana."

"Mhm, I'm good," she said with an obvious strain to her tone. She waited for him to finally take off and when he did, she grabbed Seaver's arm, pulling the woman towards her. "I lied—this hurts like a bitch!"

Seaver would have laughed if the situation hadn't been this bad. She only nodded and promised her they would get her some help.

#ocappreciation #ochub #allaboutocs #fd: criminal minds #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fics #spencer reid fics #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid x oc #criminal minds imagines #cm #cm fics #cm imagines #oc: aitana serrano #fic: against all odds

[justekasmindx]

Validated

10/06 12:00 pm

Never thought I'd be journaling at this time of the day

When it's time for me to sleep, I couldn't let this feeling past without writing it down..

I don't even know where to start.

Let's start with some good news - I just got validated.

I now does not pretend that I have PTSD, oh hey, I just got diagnosed.

But what surprised me the most is that they said I have MDD, too. I never thought I am depressed already.

Maybe because I never really validated what I was feeling. Every time I felt sorrow, I have always contradicted it with "Why? You have a stable job, an income that can put some food on the table, you can buy stuffs and you're living in a comfortable home, so why do you feel sad?"

I now realize how much I did not love myself enough, I did not even notice. I just knew there's something wrong that I couldn't fix by myself.

The specialist said that I took a huge step coming to their clinic. I had an hour of evaluation. Imagine me just sat down for a minute in front of her and I cried immediately. "Yeah, that's how heavy it was" she said.

I didn't know where to start, I just remember telling her "I need help because I don't know what to do anymore, I have read self-help books, I have been journaling, exercising, I tried to change my perspective, still I feel the same."

She asked when did this start, and I said it started when I was a kid, then the story goes on, chapter by chapter of my life. I cried and mourned in each of it. She saw it and she said, "Don't be too hard on yourself, anybody who went through those wouldn't feel good as well." And I laughed, we looked each other in the eyes, she said "i know you already know that from the books you read". I said "I've always heard it from the people I know which makes me question, why this kind of advice does not change anything in my mind? It does not help at all, am I that broken?

So the last part of evaluation was her asking if I can hear noises or see myself from a third person's view, maybe this is for other disorder's test, but I'm glad I wasn't seeing or hearing anything at all.

She also asked if I want to hurt myself or someone, i said no but before when I was in high school, I used to hold a knife or a cutter, but I wouldn't do it. Are there thoughts of suicide? I said yes. Like I am no longer afraid of dying. The exact example I told her was me while crossing the street and it was okay for me to be crossed over by any vehicle, I am now preparing for my death, I am paying for my insurance, and funeral plans because I am ready to die, and I want to have something I can leave to my loved ones when I am gone. She asked what's holding me back from killing myself, I said because there's a little hope I hold on to and I have this perspective that I have gone through a lot before so for sure what I am feeling right now would pass by eventually. And there I thought my last statement for that topic will save me from being diagnosed with depression then when I came out of the room, and I saw the diagnosis and it says "major".

Few days since that happened, I kept thinking of it, hoping meds will help and therapies will make me my normal self again.

Despite this little hope I am holding to, I still feel like I am not capable of having a relationship. I know I am being harsh to myself right now, but the reality is it might get difficult and that person's gotta be tough enough and must have a huge understanding of what I went through. If that person stays, I would share my everything to him.

I will be healed. This is the start. My life will improve and I will be better.