#sh 3x18

[moonlight-breeze-44]

sacrifice (i would have loved you all my life)

The fic based on a prompt from @thelightofthebane is finally here! It will be posted in four chapters, this being the first <3 I hope you enjoy!! 

Read on AO3

Alec took a deep breath and willed his hands to stop shaking. He didn’t have much time.

The half-written letter on his desk glared at him, and Alec sighed. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t find the words. How was he supposed to tell his family that he would never see them again? It was feeling more and more like an impossibility with each minute that ticked by.

“Right,” Alec muttered to himself. “I can do this.” He picked up the pen once more.

Jace,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. You’re going to lose your parabatai rune. It’s going to feel like I’m dying, but I’m not. I can’t explain everything, but I’m doing this for Magnus. You didn’t see him at the loft, after I tried to propose. He was devastated. Heartbroken. He can’t go on like this, without his magic. He needs it back. This is the only way. I’m sorry. I love you and I wish I didn’t have to do this.

Please don’t look for me. I know I’m making the right choice. It’s hard, but it’s for the best. Watch out for the others. Don’t do what you always do and get yourself killed. Clary and the others are there, if you’d just let them be. Please let them, Jace, for me.

I’ll miss you. You’ll be okay, Jace. Everyone will be.

Remember that our rune is just a symbol of what we have. When it breaks, we won’t break. We’ll always be parabatai, even without the rune.

Alec

Alec exhaled shakily and folded the letter into an envelope, scrawling Jace’s name on top of it. There. That would have to do. There was so much more that he wanted to say to his parabatai, but he didn’t have the time. He still had to write letters for Izzy, his mom, and Magnus.

Alec took a deep breath and reached for another sheet of paper. He didn’t regret his choice, but he was starting to realise just how much he had to give up. Magnus, he reminded himself. This is for Magnus.

With that, Alec steeled himself and started to write once more.

Izzy,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. I’m not dead. I’m not being coerced into writing this. This is my choice. Please don’t look for me. Tell Jace not to look for me, too. Things are going to be bad for a while, but this is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.

I can’t explain everything right now; I’m running out of time. But just know that I’m doing this for Magnus, because I love him and because he deserves so much more than I could ever give him. Please take care of him for me, Iz. I know this won’t be easy, but it’s for the best.

I’ll miss you, Izzy. It’ll be alright, I promise. You’ll be okay without me. I love you, little sis.

Alec

It took all of his willpower to keep from breaking down. This was Izzy, this was his little sister, this was the person that he had watched over and taken care of since he was five. Leaving her felt a little like leaving a piece of himself behind, and Alec had to wonder how many pieces he would have left at the end of all this.

His shoulder burned for a split second, and Alec looked back just in time to see another rune disappear from his skin. He sucked in a deep breath, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He had to keep going. The curse was working faster than he was.

Alec wrote Izzy’s name on her envelope and set it to the side with Jace’s, reaching for another sheet of paper. He had to hurry.

Mom,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. I can’t explain everything, but please know that I am alive and safe. I can’t promise you’ll see me again, but I can promise that this is for the best and this is my decision and mine alone.

I know you won’t understand, even if you figure out the truth, but all I can say is that I love Magnus and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. One day - maybe with Luke (and yes, I know) - I hope that you’ll understand.

I love you, Mom. I wish we had more time together, to fix things. As it is, I’m counting on you to do right by Jace and Izzy. I know you haven’t always seen eye to eye with them, but they’ll need you. Take care of them for me.

I’m sorry.

Alec

Alec blew out a harsh breath and folded his mom’s letter, giving it the same treatment that he’d given the others. The letters were forming a pile now, a little stack of white that made dread settle in Alec’s stomach. They were the last of him that his family would have, and that thought made him want to collapse to the floor and weep, mourn everything that he was going to lose and everything that he would miss and all of the people that he was letting down. But he knew he couldn’t. His runes were steadily disappearing and he still had work to do.

Feeling sick, Alec grabbed one final sheet of paper and prepared himself for the last letter he had to write. Magnus’s letter.

Dear Magnus,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Please don’t come looking for me. You can’t interfere. Please leave it alone. I promise that I will be okay.

I can’t possibly begin to explain this to you, but I know that I have a responsibility to try. Magnus, when I saw you break down like that in the loft, it made me realise something. It made me realise how badly you were hurting and how much you were suffering without your magic. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realise before. I was so caught up in saving Jace and stopping Lilith that I never stopped to think about how much you might be hurting. I’m sorry.

I had to do something after that, and this is me doing something. I won’t explain it all to you, because I know you’ll try to come after me and undo what I did, and I can’t let you do that. I won’t let you go back to a life without your magic. It was killing you.

Magnus, you deserve so much - you deserve someone that will always make you a priority and never put you in second place. You deserve the world. You don’t deserve me. I will never be good enough for you, Magnus.

I know it’ll be hard, but please try to move on. Find love again. Get married. Have kids. Love your life like you used to before everything got so complicated. You deserve that. You deserve everything.

I love you more than words can say, and I will miss you so much. I’m sorry, Magnus. Please, please choose again. Choose somebody better. I’m not your choice. I’m sorry.

I love you.

Alec

Alec folded the letter with shaking fingers, ignoring the teardrops that splashed onto the paper. He stuffed it into an envelope and just managed to scrawl Magnus’s name on top of it and toss it onto the pile with the rest of them before he broke down in tears.

Memories rushed into Alec’s mind, unbidden - his first kiss with Magnus, at his wedding, and the way Magnus had kissed him back like he was air and Magnus couldn’t fucking breathe. His first mission with Jace, and the way that they moved together so fluently that they just knew, right from the very beginning, that they were destined to be parabatai. When Izzy was born, and Alec had slept beside her crib for three nights afterwards, whispering promises into the air about always protecting her and keeping her safe.

Alec choked on a sob and desperately tried to pull himself together. He felt the burn of his deflect rune disappearing, and that made him dig his fingernails into his palms, hard. The extra bite of pain grounded him, centered him in a way that nothing else could at the moment. That was the rune that Magnus had always loved, always said was “placed perfectly, Alexander” and always damn near worshiped in bed. Losing it was like losing a tie to Magnus, and Alec had to grip the edge of his desk so tightly that he feared his fingers might break in order to keep himself under control.

Right. He had to snap out of it. There was still more to do.

Alec glamoured himself invisible and slipped out of his office, letters in hand. He stopped by the training room to grab his bow and quiver before he made his way to Jace, Izzy, and Maryse’s rooms to slip their letters under their doors. By the time they woke up in the morning, Alec knew, he would have no idea who they were. That thought alone made him want to break down again, but he shoved his emotions aside with practiced ease and continued on.

The cool night air was a welcome change from the Institute’s stifling atmosphere, and Alec took a deep breath, trying to appreciate the sights and sounds of New York before his last rune disappeared.

By the time he made it to Magnus’s, Alec only had four runes left - his glamour, his iratze, advanced hearing, and his parabatai rune. He shivered, trying not to think about it. His parabatai rune, he knew, would be the last to go, and all Alec could do was hope that the other runes would take a few hours to disappear so that the breaking of his bond with Jace wouldn’t wake the other boy up. He at least wanted Jace to be awake, maybe have Clary with him, something. The hardest part of all of this was leaving the people he cared about behind.

“See that Mr. Bane gets this tomorrow morning,” Alec instructed the boy who worked at the front desk of Magnus’s apartment building, slipping him a 20 for good measure. With that, he walked out of Magnus’s building for possibly the last time, and headed for the park.

Alec wasn’t sure what made him choose the park, of all places, to lose the last of his runes, but the feeling of the gardens settled something in him when he sat down on the park bench. This would be the last time he sat in this park as a Shadowhunter, the last time he would look down and see the physical representation of his bond with Jace marking his skin. Finally, for the first time all night, Alec put his head in his hands and allowed himself to cry.

#my writing #shadowhunters #alec lightwood #sh 3x18 #malec breakup #malec #jace wayland #isabelle lightwood #maryse lightwood #angst #heavy angst #memory loss #multichapter #to be continued #sh #fanfiction #my fanfiction #fan fiction #ao3 #em FINALLY learns how to use the 'keep reading' thing #after how many years on Tumblr?? #oh well

[elivanto]

THIS IS WHO I AM.

#shadowhuntersedit #claryfrayedit #nephilimdaily #tscsource #katmcnamaraedit #clary fray #shadowhunters #alternatively titled: dark clary aesthetic #** #*sh #*clary #sh 3x18 #sh 3x19 #sh 3x20 #you know what i'm just gonna post it i don't care if the gradient doesn't show up on mobile

[lynne-monstr]

the part that kills me and the part that I see as malec's biggest hurdle to getting back together is that alec took all of magnus' most secret shames and private confessions. he gathered them up and sharpened them and used each and every one against magnus when he was at his weakest.

and yes, he thought he was doing it in magnus' best interests. he did it out of love. but afterwards, once the apologies and the crying and the hugs have passed, how long is it going to take magnus to stop hesitating every time he opens his mouth to share himself with alec. how many times is he going to swallow his words back down like the bitter pill they are

#sh spoilers #sh ramblings #magnus bane #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters #malec

[alex-they-them]

Shadowhunters 3x18

I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!

#malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters season 3 #shadowhunters #shadowhunters 3b #shadowhunters 3x18 #3x18 #i am not okay #😭😭😭😭 #like whyyy #im in paaaaain #im in so much paaaaain

[head-of-the-ny-institute]

When Alec tells Magnus “Days ago I didn’t know the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with was out for good,” he pauses and inhales right before he says “out for good.” 

He knows that this is the line he can’t take back. He knows this is the line that will cut into Magnus's insecurities the most. He knows how cruel it is. 

And so he inhales. 

He inhales to muster up the will to follow through with this plan, to give Magnus his magic back, to make Magnus happy again, even if it means ruining his own chances of happiness in the process. 

#shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #magnus #alec #mine #textpost #sh #sh s3 #shadowhunters spoilers #sh spoilers #shadowhunters s3 #shadowhunters season 3 #3x18 #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters 3x18 #malec

[solongllondon]

This is my screensaver now bc I need the reassurance lmao

#sh spoilers #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters #malec #malec break up 2.0 #sh 3x19

[sylvies-chen]

Simon Lewis really out here looking at Isabelle Lightwood with that same smitten look he had when they first met. YEAH, they’re DEADASS IN LOVE, OK?

(also side note: can someone gif this parallel of 3x18 sizzy in the alleyway and 1x02 sizzy in the institute first meeting? please and thank you)

#someone gif this parallel!! #shadowhunters #shadowhunters 3b #sh spoilers #sh 3b #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters 3x18 #sizzy #simon lewis #isabelle lightwood #izzy lightwood #izzy #simon

[hiddlesgirl]

“I need a break.”

“That's a wonderful idea. Well, where do you wanna go? Hawaii? Jamaica? I've never been on a plane before, but let's avoid coach-”

“No, Magnus. I need a break from us.”

#My Screenshots #Alec Lightwood #Magnus Bane #Shadowhunters #Malec #The Beast Within #SH3x18 #Shadowhunters 318 #Alexander Lightwood #SH318 #Shadowhunters 3x18 #SH 318 #SH 3x18 #Malec Break Up

[marta-spleen]

Magnus: “I can’t think of a more perfect couple”.

Me: “How about you and Alec???”

#sh spoilers #sh 3x18 #malec #alec lightwood #magnus bane

[harlow-mag]

What if Asmodeus shapeshifts into Alec to break up with Magnus because the real Alec refuses to?

#thisepisodecausedmephysicalpain #shadowhunters #malec #3x17 #sh 3x17 #sh spoilers #sh 3x18 #magnus bane #alec lightwood

[eg515]

ep318 can go and join CoLS page 511 on the shelf of things we pretend don't exist in the Shadowhunters universe

#i'm still not over p511 #how am i supposed to get over ep318? #malec #shadowhunters #sh 3x18 #magnus bane #alec lightwood #city of lost souls

[moonlight-breeze-44]

sacrifice (i would have loved you all my life) ~ Chapter 2!

The second chapter of the angsty prompt fic for @thelightofthebane is now up! In this chapter, we see the reactions of those left behind to Alec’s disappearance. 

Warning for implied/referenced alcohol abuse in this chapter! <3

Read on AO3

It was the excruciating, damn near unbearable pain that woke Jace up.

Izzy and Maryse were in his room before he even knew what was happening, because Jace was screaming and everything hurt and nothing was okay and - Alec. ALEC! Where was Alec?

“We don’t know,” Izzy cried, and her makeup was smeared, her face streaked with tears. Maryse’s hair was undone, falling out of its bun, and she was crying, too. Jace could barely breathe through the pain emanating from his side, but he was coherent enough to notice that Alec wasn’t there.

“Alec!” he screamed again, and his fingers found his parabatai rune, squeezing tightly. The rune was hot underneath his fingertips, almost scalding, and Jace sobbed. Where was Alec?! ALEC!

“He’s not here, Jace,” Maryse said, her fingers combing the sweaty hair away from his forehead. “He’s gone.”

A pulse like, like something, shot through the parabatai bond and Jace’s entire body convulsed, shaking apart like he was having a seizure. He screamed so loudly that his throat was raw, and he gasped for breath, tears that he couldn’t even hope to control sliding down his cheeks without his permission. He was sobbing, loud and ugly, and all he could feel was pain, painpainpainpainpain, so much PAIN, and Alec wasn’t there, and everything was wrong and Jace could almost feel something ending, something changing, something disappearing for good.

By the time the wave of pain passed and Jace could breathe again, Maryse had run out of the room to get someone from the infirmary, and Izzy was holding onto his arms as tightly as she could, her eyes filled with tears.

“Jace?” she asked hesitantly, and Jace would swear he’d never heard her sound more vulnerable than right then.

“He’s gone,” Jace said numbly. His fingers groped at his skin, hoping, praying that maybe he was wrong, but one look downwards confirmed his fears. His parabatai rune was gone. Alec was gone.

~ ~ ~

Isabelle wasn’t sure how long it took them to get around to telling Magnus, but by the time she and Jace let themselves into Magnus’s apartment, Magnus was already halfway through his eighth bottle of whiskey and his loft was destroyed by his own magic.

“Magnus,” Izzy whispered in horror. “What happened?”

Magnus laughed sourly and gestured to the kitchen countertop, where a white envelope laid, a letter next to it. Izzy recognised Alec’s handwriting and swallowed hard. He’d sent Magnus a letter, too.

“Magnus, stop,” she tried, stepping over the debris to reach Magnus. Jace followed reluctantly, taking in the damage with wide eyes like he was afraid they would be next.

“Why should I?!” Magnus shouted, chucking his whiskey bottle at the wall. It shattered upon impact and alcohol seeped into the expensive carpet. “No Alec here to stop me, is there? No Alec here ever again, Isabelle!”

“The, the letter said he was okay,” Izzy responded, stopping in her tracks at the sight of Magnus’s tirade. “That he wasn’t dead.”

“You’d be surprised how many dead people say they’re okay right before they die,” Magnus snapped back, summoning another bottle of whiskey from somewhere and taking a long drink. He gestured to Jace. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Blondie’s parabatai rune disappeared?”

Jace tried to shove down his hypocritical anger at Magnus for lashing out and nodded tightly. “Yeah.”

“I figured as much,” Magnus mumbled. His mascara was smeared, Izzy noticed, and he looked like he hadn’t slept at all since he’d received his letter. She felt tears begin to fill her own eyes, and she blinked them away angrily. This wasn’t about her. Alec had asked her to take care of Magnus and that’s what she intended on doing.

“Magnus, please,” Izzy said, stepping closer until she was directly in front of him. “Alec wouldn’t want this for you.”

“How do you have a clue what he wants? He’s not here,” Magnus replied bitterly. Before he could tip the whiskey bottle to his lips and take another drink, Isabelle reached out and grabbed the bottle from him, handing it to Jace, who shoved it underneath Magnus’s sink next to the cleaning supplies.

“I know my brother,” Izzy said, leveling Magnus with a fierce glare. “And I know that he would hate to see you destroying yourself like this.”

Magnus felt the fight drain out of him, and he slumped into the sofa tiredly. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s okay,” Izzy reassured him. “We’ve done plenty of yelling ourselves the past few days.” She picked her way through what remained of Magnus’s loft and made to sit down next to him.

“What did your letters say?” Magnus asked her bitterly, twisting a thread on his pants between his fingers, tension leaking out of his every movement.

“That he wasn’t dead, this was his choice, he loves us, and he’s sorry,” Izzy replied, her throat closing up on the last syllable.

“Lucky,” Magnus muttered.

“Lucky?” Jace’s voice was sharp. “How the fuck are any of us lucky, Magnus?”

“Your letters sound like nursery rhymes compared to mine,” Magnus snapped. He raised his hand and his letter flew to him in a flurry of dark red magic. He opened it, holding it out for the two siblings. “Here. Read it.”

Izzy gave Magnus a wary look, but reached out to take the letter, anyway. Jace crowded close to her and read over her shoulder as Magnus watched on, fiddling with his rings and trying not to cry for the umpteenth time since the letter had been delivered.

“What the fuck,” Jace breathed after a minute or two of reading, his eyes glassy with tears. “That’s, that’s fucking…” He trailed off, at a loss for words.

“Exactly,” Magnus muttered. “It’s so full of self-loathing it might as well have been written by me when I was about to jump off of a bridge.”

“I knew he always felt different, and he had a lot of pressure on him,” Isabelle said quietly, “but I never imagined this.”

“That’s just the thing!” Magnus said, and his voice shot up two octaves. “I knew! I knew how Alec felt about himself! I always have. I knew that he would blame himself for me losing my magic, and I didn’t do anything! I was too self-centered and stupid and idiotic to see that my own boyfriend was about to sacrifice his own happiness for someone else’s again.”

“You didn’t know,” Izzy said softly. “None of us did.”

“I should’ve,” Magnus replied, and he sounded close to tears now. “I should’ve known, I should’ve done something, I should’ve, should’ve…” He broke off, choking on a sob.

“Shh,” Izzy said, and she moved closer until she could lay her hand on Magnus’s arm. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Magnus said, still crying. “And if you thought it was, you wouldn’t be here.”

Izzy glanced at Jace briefly, her eyes filled with tears, but he couldn’t reply; Magnus was right. It wasn’t okay, and as long as Alec was gone, nothing ever would be again.

#my writing #shadowhunters #malec #alec lightwood #angst #heavy angst #tw: alcholism #tw: alcohol #fanfiction #fic #fan fiction #my fanfiction #malec breakup #sh 3x18 #sh #em doesn't know how to tag #memory loss #ao3

[lynne-monstr]

magnus was so secure in his relationship and alec's love for him that when alec said he needed a break, magnus' first instinct was to suggest they go on vacation together 😭😭

#sh spoilers #sh ramblings #malec #shadowhunters #sh 3x18

[serenaash]

Malec will be alright, they'll find their way to come back to each other, they're getting married, the whole story is on the way to happy ending.

In spite of that, I'm sitting and watching every single happy scene to heal my wounds.

Good luck for me and all of us.

#asmodeus can suck my dick #malec wedding is the only thing what keeps me alive #shadowhunters #alec lightwood #magnus bane #malec #magnus x alec #sh 3b #sh 3x18

[imissbellamyssmile]

The breakup

I didn’t want to have to watch that again. I never wanted to see two people who love each other as much as Alec and Magnus go thru something like that. I hated it. It ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds for good measure. Every moment was painful. It was awful.

But that whole scene was also so perfectly them that it stole my breath away. From the moment when Alec physically tensed up when Magnus touched him, like he was bracing himself for what he was about to do, to the absolute silence at the end with Magnus standing in the empty shop all alone, I couldn’t look away. The acting in that scene was out of this world! Harry and Matt deserve all the awards. It was a perfectly heart crushing scene, because they made me feel it. Every moment. Magnus’s desperation when Alec starts to walk away to Alec not being able to look Magnus in the eye at the end. Their choices were perfect. It was mesmerizing to watch.

The thing that strikes me the most about that scene is what a tightrope it is. Alec walks a very thin line where he doesn’t tell a flat out lie. He makes lies by omission, but he doesn’t actually lie to Magnus. He alludes and leads Magnus to believe he doesn’t love him anymore, but he never says it. Because he can’t. He can’t fathom that so he can’t voice it. And he didn’t even allude to it until Magnus started to get too close to the truth. When Magnus said that it wasn’t Alec cause Alec wasn’t that selfish, he switched tactics. He tried to end it as fast as he could. Partly to keep Magnus from figuring it out, and partly because he was breaking. 😭 I hated it. I loved it. And I’m still not over it.

Thus ends my ramble.

#shadowhunters #malec #alec lightwood #magnus bane #sh 3x18 #the scene #just my thoughts

[the-nerd-life-chose-me]

Alec Lightwood x Magnus Bane - Angst 

Post-3x18 (AKA: I have a lot of feelings and want everyone else to suffer with me)

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters 3x18 #malec #malec breakup #malec angst #malec is endgame #but they sure are suffering to get there #alec lightwood #magnus bane #sh 3x18 #shadowhunters aesthetic #shadowhunters moodboard #malec aesthetic #moodboard #just me swimming in that sweet sweet angst