I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly,
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Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
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Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.
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If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability.
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Daring is not saying, “I’m willing to risk failure.” Daring is saying, “I know I will eventually fail and I’m still all in.”
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The most transformative and resilient leaders that I've worked with over the course of my career have three things in common: First, they recognize the central role that relationships and story play in culture and strategy, and they stay curious about their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Second, they understand and stay curious about how emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are connected in the people they lead, and how those factors affect relationships and perception. And, third, they have the ability and willingness to lean in to discomfort and vulnerability.
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Liz Gilbert's Instagram feed—and I think it sums this up perfectly: “Grace will take you places hustling can’t.”
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I relied completely on a technique I had learned from my research, a phrase that emerged in numerous variations over and over again. I said, “I feel like you’re blowing me off, and the story that I’m making up is
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I often say, “Show me a woman who can hold space for a man in real fear and vulnerability, and I’ll show you a woman who’s learned to embrace her own vulnerability and who doesn’t derive her power or status from that man. Show me a man who can sit with a woman in real fear and vulnerability and just hear her struggle without trying to fix it or give advice, and I’ll show you a man who’s comfortable with his own vulnerability and doesn’t derive his power from being Oz, the all-knowing and all-powerful.”
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his leadership book Creativity, Inc. would go on to influence me as much as anything I’ve ever read.
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Day two, or whatever that middle space is for your own process, is when you’re “in the dark”—the door has closed behind you. You’re too far in to turn around and not close enough to the end to see the light. In my work with veterans and active members of the military, we’ve talked about this dark middle. They all know it as “the point of no return”—an aviation term coined by pilots for the point in a flight when they have too little fuel left to return to the originating airfield. It’s strangely universal, going all the way back to Julius Caesar’s famous “Iacta alea est”—“The die is cast”—spoken in 49 BC as he and his troops made the river crossing that started a war. Whether it’s ancient battle strategy or the creative process, at some point you’re in, it’s dark, and there’s no turning back.
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Hanging on the wall of Pixar’s Story Corner display were these three sentences: Story is the big picture. Story is process. Story is research.
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An image of a crown was at the top of the wall, symbolizing the axiom that “story is king.”
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Darla helped me get my head around the three acts: Act 1: The protagonist is called to adventure and accepts the adventure. The rules of the world are established, and the end of Act 1 is the “inciting incident.” Act 2: The protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem. By the climax, he learns what it’s really going to take to solve the problem. This act includes the “lowest of the low.” Act 3: The protagonist needs to prove she’s learned the lesson, usually showing a willingness to prove this at all costs. This is all about redemption—an enlightened character knowing what to do to resolve a conflict.
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The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness—even our wholeheartedness—actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.
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Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends. In
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Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty.
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Researchers are finding evidence that curiosity is correlated with creativity, intelligence, improved learning and memory, and problem solving.
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There is a profound relationship—a love affair, really—between curiosity and wholeheartedness. How do we come to those aha moments if we’re not willing to explore and ask questions? New information won’t transform our thinking, much less our lives, if it simply lands at our feet. For experiences and information to be integrated into our lives as true awareness, they have to be received with open hands, inquisitive minds, and wondering hearts.
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as poet Mizuta Masahide wrote, “Barn’s burnt down / now / I can see the moon.”
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Chandeliering is especially common and dangerous in “power-over” situations—environments where, because of power differentials, people with a higher position or status are less likely to be held accountable for flipping out or overreacting. These are places where our powerlessness and hurt get worked out. We maintain our prized stoicism in front of the people we want to impress or influence, but the second we’re around people over whom we have emotional, financial, or physical power, we explode. And because it’s not a side of us seen by many of the higher-ups, our version of the story is framed as truth. We see power-over chandeliering in families, churches, schools, communities, and offices.
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And just so we don’t miss it in this long list of all the ways we can numb ourselves, there’s always staying busy: living so hard and fast that the truths of our lives can’t catch up with us. We fill every ounce of white space with something so there’s no room or time for emotion to make itself known.
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no matter what we use, we can’t selectively numb emotions—when we numb the dark, we also numb the light. When “taking the edge off” with a couple of glasses of red wine becomes a routine, our experiences of joy and love and trust will become duller, too.
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Tactical Breathing 1. Inhale deeply through your nose, expanding your stomach, for a count of four—one, two, three, four. 2. Hold in that breath for a count of four—one, two, three, four. 3. Slowly exhale all the air through your mouth, contracting your stomach, for a count of four—one, two, three, four. 4. Hold the empty breath for a count of four—one, two, three, four.
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Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When
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TEN GUIDEPOSTS FOR WHOLEHEARTED LIVING
1. Cultivating authenticity: letting go of what people think
2. Cultivating self-compassion: letting go of perfectionism
3. Cultivating a resilient spirit: letting go of numbing and powerlessness
4. Cultivating gratitude and joy: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
5. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: letting go of the need for certainty
6. Cultivating creativity: letting go of comparison
7. Cultivating play and rest: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
8. Cultivating calm and stillness: letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
9. Cultivating meaningful work: letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: letting go of being cool and “always in control”
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