#probably supposed to have an epiphany about what I'm doing wrong

[isfjmel-phleg]

🫥

#random personal stuff #whining ahead feel free to ignore #after a little over two weeks with my family I guess it was hard today to go back to church here and #be reminded how easy it is to feel utterly disconnected for some reason #I have a small amount of friends whom I do very much appreciate #but otherwise it's like going through life in a glass case #which is probably my fault somehow #anyway I miss going to a smaller church (it got assimilated into this huge one) #and I miss smaller more intimate Bible study groups #there are more people around now whom it's not easy to be real or vocal in front of #(including the lady who once asked if I were one of the then-pregnant women and can't remember my name etc.) #and that's not their fault and they have every right to be there #it's just a different dynamic and unfortunately it's one that I haven't figured out how to be comfortable in yet #feeling like you belong with particular people is just really hard you know? #it has to be earned and proven and mulled over sometimes for years #before it's ever even believable #I got assigned a while back to consider why the whole disconnect thing #still drawing a blank #probably supposed to have an epiphany about what I'm doing wrong #if so can it be shipped a little faster because I don't have time for this nonsense

[greatwyrmgold]

OnK Chapter 137

Oh shit, the cameras were still rolling? I thought Ruby's outburst was just her venting.

Okay, from an thematic and emotional perspective, I get what's going on here. Gotanda had an epiphany about the real Ai Hoshino from watching her daughter's ad-lib or venting or whatever it was, and he wants to change the movie to reflect that reality.

But from a filmmaking perspective, can't you just shoot the scene again and remind Ruby to stay on-script? Surely their schedule isn't so tight that they can't do another take. Or just cut the bit where Ruby/Ai says "I hate everyone, screw them all, what did I do wrong?" off the end of the scene.

It seemed like the conversation was over and Ruby was walking off-set, so you probably wouldn't lose anything. Unless Ruby was supposed to say a different line, but since she was walking away, it wouldn't be hard to dub in audio from a different take.

And while "Ai wasn't a perfect idol, she's a normal girl who the adults around her forced into the mold of a perfect idol" is probably accurate, I find it weird that characters are coming to conclusions about Ai's true nature after watching Ruby's acting. After all—

—yeah, what she said. Ruby isn't Ai, and she never will be. That's good! (I'm glad that Ruby will keep trying to be friends with Kana no matter how this movie goes.) However, having Ruby literally say that she's not like her mom, in key ways relevant to the scene she was just acting in, when those scenes were used as insight fuel for accurate-sounding insights about her mom's true nature...there's tension there.

For Gotanda's logic to be valid, Ruby's acting would need to in some way reflect Ai's true self. But at the same time, Ruby herself insists that she doesn't reflect Ai's true self. And while it's not impossible for Gotanda's conclusion to be accurate even if it's based on erroneous logic, Ruby undermining that logic within half a dozen pages of explaining his conclusion feels pointed. The proximity of those two related things feels significant, like one is supposed to make us question the other.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

On an unrelated note.

Selling "the genius child actor who can cry in 10 seconds" as a genius actor? Seems pretty straightforward.

#oshi no ko #manga #ai hoshino #ruby hoshino #media analysis #random thoughts #manga panels

[kyouka-supremacy]

Hey! I recently read your post on, ahem, 'Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals' (to paraphrase)

I thought it was really interesting actually!! Thank you for writing that!

Another point is how Yosano's quirk had gotten sexualized in the anime, whilst in the manga, it's much more eery? That was weird.

I had a question: How Is Dazai Sexist?

Not in a 'pRoVE iT to ME!!' manner, but a, 'i can genuinely see that and I'm curious about your perspective' manner!

I read No Longer Human about, two months ago? And Dazai Osamu, the author, had a niche perspective on women, I suppose. He humanized them, but also dismissed them, but also heavily related to them? Of course, with historical context it's probably the average view of the time.

But I'm genuinely curious!!

My “Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals”

Thank you for giving the post a read! I was low-key nervous when I posted it, I don't really like being the killjoy, so I found people's positive responses to it very reassuring (╥﹏╥)

About Yosano's ability being sexualized in the anime. I know right,,,, it's part of the bigger picture issue, it's nearly impossible to find anime without fanservice. The difference in female portrayal between the bsd manga and anime is actually something very interesting to ponder on, because they're actually quite different: the manga is sexist, but it never visually sexualizes its female character (the Gaiden manga being an exception). The anime is more low-key in the blatant sexism, but there's female fanservice that the manga lacks that... Idk feels almost a given at this point, like animation studios just CAN'T not do it (I don't even know what to say? Something something *through gritted tits* 57th prime minister of Japan Shinzo Abe). On a different note, this ask came as some sort of epiphany for me because it made me realize that the reason there's so many people missing on the sexism in bsd which leaves me so often baffled is because people probably reason fanservice = sexism → lack of fanservice = lack of sexism, but it really doesn't have to work that way? Of course fanservice is for the vast majority sexist because more often than not it comes with the objectification of female body, but I wouldn't say there's a direct correlation between the two things: I hope I was exhaustive enough on why bsd is sexist although it never sexualizes its female characters, and I think same can be said for the other way round? Kill la Kill is my favorite anime of them all and the most female empowering anime (and overall media??? Idk I love klk with everything I've got) I've ever seen, but it'd definitely be a wide stretch to say it lacks fanservice.

On why I said Dazai is sexist: for one, I trust Chuuya's word

This is a joke, but funny enough, that's exactly the panel I was thinking about when writing the post– I was negatively surprised by how a main character could reportedly be called womanizer, and that is just kind of there, like being sexist was just another weird little characteristic of bandage man, nothing strange there. You see the problem here?

I remember when I watched the bsd anime for the first time, I used to think Dazai was sexist a lot– but in retrospect, I don't have that much a strong opinion on the matter anymore. When I watched it, it would bother me how Dazai would objectify women a lot, using them as mindless pawns even more of how he already does with every character he encounters; it would bother me how he's so fixated on committing a double suicide with a beautiful woman, like... You do realize that is wishing for another person, and that person needing to be a woman specifically, to die, right? Not to mention the “beautiful” part only adds to the objectification if you ask me. But all taken into account, I don't feel for it as strongly as I used to– don't get me wrong, it's still disturbing, but I don't think it's an issue of Dazai specifically as much of the work in its entirety having a fucked up view of women. It hit me today rewatching the bit at the end of episode 5, Dazai explaining Ranpo's deductions to Atsushi: “she wasn't dressed for work, she had no make-up on”. Now, if you say anything like this to me irl, I WILL punch you in the face. But can you sense how it doesn't really come from Dazai in particular and is more expression of an overall worldview of women that necessary transpires through the characters, an underlying pattern I couldn't really perceive on my first time watching the anime? So, I feel like it's less of a case of “Dazai being sexist” than it is of “Dazai is a character with a lot of lines in a fundamentally sexist franchise”. The point isn't about Dazai's being sexist, because ALL the characters are in a way or the other, but about the author writing them as such; that's what I meant by saying “Dazai is openly sexist and it’s just kind of there never to be addressed”– he's reportedly sexist IN CANON, the thing is it's never portrayed as something strange or worth to be addressed.

#I'm not familiar with author Dazai's works so I'll trust your word on that! #osamu dazai #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd analysis #people asks me stuff #This ask kinda flatters me‚ can you believe someone was interested enough in what I said they'd ask me for clarification/elaboration ( ꈍᴗꈍ) #This was very sweet ahah thank you Op #Besides the nurse / Dazai scene from chapter 50. eh.

[dnangelic]

@arrachnes asked: " kukuku. daisuke. i heard that you enjoyed those confectionery treats. cookies, yes?" it would have been sweet! it would! if naraku didn't present the boy with a massive bag of (stolen) sweets of all flavors. and, of course, makes no mention of how he procured them. " eat. "

it wasn't all that odd for children to enjoy sweets , right ? even daisuke's own mother had occasionally lectured him over things like balancing out his nutrition and maintaining a proper diet --- and yet , macarons , cream-puffs , madeleines and more , these soft tea-time sweets imported from european coutries had readily made themselves at home about azumano's shops and cafes in a way that was hard to ever resist .

in his imagination , someone like naraku-san would probably have been privy to give him something like a small , bite-sized pack of konpeito or even more traditional senbei --- it's a surprise then that an entire shop's stock's worth of treats practically fall into his grasp . ' ... bwuh ? '

at first , the boy's eyes merely bulge at its over-indulgent size . had naraku robbed santa claus or stolen a tucked away hoard by the tooth fairy or something ? w-well , everything looked fine and perfectly untouched , so if naraku didn't feel like sharing and telling a story about its acquisition , then daisuke wouldn't ask ! ( any thief knew better ... ! )

besides , he really can't help the faint sense of salivation that strikes him too . i-in any case , children were supposed to obey adults , right ? so when naraku says to eat , he wouldn't have been doing anything wrong by eating ! ( ... at least just a little bit . ) maybe there was something really good in here , like those mini-cakes that were always sold out ...

although he's already curiously digging through the other's gift to him , in the end , daisuke seems to be struck by a certain epiphany . the realization leads him to smile and laugh a little up at the other all of the sudden . ' --- ah . naraku-san , thank you ... ! but this is , um , a little much ... ' a hand pulls out sweet red bean manjuu , kit-kats and matcha flavored chocolates .

' let's share ! last time , when i made those cookies for you , you really liked them ... so i'm sure you'll like trying out some of these things with me , too ! ' if they went through the bag together , then they could also figure out what to get for each other later ... and as naraku was still someone who more or less mystified the red-headed niwa , daisuke would have appreciated deepening his apparent understanding of the other .

#*･ﾟ⊰ ANSWERED. ⊱ #CANON. #arrachnes #BGKALJAKBALAJLDJGLKJG #TFW THE BOY KNOWS BETTER THAN TO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE 'WOW HOW'D YOU GET THIS? :D' AND GOES STRAIGHT TO #'WOW LET'S HAVE SOME TOGETHER!' <- not immune to thrill of the theft or yummy sweets (hes 15)

[saraa-lancee]

If you don't mind, I think I've had a minor Epiphany about Gender and Names and I'm just gonna....

I've honestly really always hated my name. Not like in a visceral way but like. It just doesn't Feel Correct. It's Not Me in a way I can't explain.

I've felt this way since literally forever. As a kid, my brain rationalized it in a few ways.

It's a very popular name-- i was one of many. It was *the* popular name in my cohort until I got to high school. I don't know if that area was just booming with Raechels (and all 100 ways to spell it) or what. I feel like most little kids probably wouldn't love being one of like 10. It brings practical problems (are they talking to me? About me? Am I supposed to respond) but also like. Why does everyone (except for Ben and Ben) else get their own name, I guess. I don't know, I was in elementary school. But i always said I hated my name because it was so popular.

Then, I just hated it because of the way its spelled. I used to get teased about it. I don't think it was outright bullying because it wasn't ever genuinely mean but it still hurts when it happens a lot, y'know. It's technically spelled phonetically but everyone else spells it at least five different ways but mine was the Weird Way that nobody had ever seen. They'd seen Rachel and Racheal and Rachell and Raychel and whatever. But whenever other kids saw my name, they would make fun of how it's spelled. They'd intentionally say it wrong even though they knew I got upset (hell, some people still do that). They would say it wrong and say it wrong and it upset me and tease me for my "name being spelled wrong". (Like, It's not actual bullying but to this day when just about every one asks "is it pronounced Rachel or Rachelle" I flinch and i hate it. It's a professional setting and I was never even *actually* bullied but I still hate it).

Like, it's easy to say well obviously I don't like my name because it's common or it's irritating that everyone misspells or mispronounces my name (I'm side-eyeing you, DMV guy who took four tries to get it right). But at the end of the day, you don't actually really hate your name in those situations-- you hate your name being wrong. The name itself is fine. But for me, I realized recently that the problem wasn't just the irritation-- it was the name itself.

Like, when I think of myself, I've never ever thought my name matched, y'know? It's so hard to explain l but I'm hoping somebody might get it. Like, the name has always felt wrong on my tongue, on my lips. Ever since I was a child I just remember this feeling of "I'm not Raechel".

I went through a brief period recently of "i don't hate it, I just need to reframe it! I share a name with Rachel Carson, someone who was very important in Eagle conservation (something that is important to me)." But then I just really came to the realization that... I don't. I don't because *im not a Raechel*. (Any way you spell it)

I used to collect names (in a non-writer way) as a kid. Names I liked-- names I liked the sound of. Based on nothing, really. Susan. Margo. Carmen. Just characters in books or whatever. And I used to almost... try them on for myself. Whisper them and repeat them in my head and Think of them. But they weren't Right. And it felt a bit frustrating because My Name was Wrong and I couldn't find one that I thought felt better-- like shoe shopping but all they have is half sizes in the wrong direction. So I grew up, went to high school, and it was Whatever. Fuck it.

But now... I think I've always just been Like This and My Name just Didn't Match.

So I collected and tried on Girls Names because I was a Girl (just a bizzare Girl) and maybe I didn't like my name but I'd find one, as you do. As an autistic person, I think it just literally didn't occur to me at the time to consider "boy names" (black and white thinking and all). The concept of "other" or breaking a Labeled Box just didn't occur to me.

But a few months ago (maybe), something just snapped and the name Soren popped into my head. And I haven't been able to ignore it since. There's just... something about it.

At the end of the day, the name Soren has a lot of personal meaning to me, right from childhood. Maybe I'll decide it doesn't fit after all, who knows 🤷 Maybe it doesn't represent All of Me, but it definitely represents a Part of Me. (I don't think that makes any sense either but I digress).

So yeah, I've disliked my name because It's Not Me but I don't hate it because it Represents me. For now, I think I like Soren. I don't know, and I might decide later. I've never even had the courage to do the Starbucks thing (I am working woth social anxiety here) I don't know how I'm going to do this going forward (irl, etc) but for now, I Am Soren in some weird way I was never Raechel.

#soren rants #gender thoughts #rambling im sorry if anyone sees this it just felt so important to say it somehow #non-binary

[blurglesmurfklaine]

for the fic writer asks 💘🌈🌿

HI MILI!!

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

Oh god, like. all of them?? well. maybe not ALL of them lmao but definitely some earlier ones. I think There From the Start for sure, if it wasn't so fucking long I would just. re-do it all lol

it always shocks me how much people seem to enjoy that one but I'm glad it brings people happiness! I just wish it were a bit cleaner!

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Here We Go Again. Sequel to the above mentioned fic--only because I had been toying with the idea of that sequel since I was 15 and didn't start on it until i was 22. So I had to grapple with the fact that a lot of my ideas from seven years prior just didn't FIT anymore

(Mild Spoilers ahead if anyone plans on reading it lmao) so their breakup almost didn't happen because I felt it wasn't quite nuanced enough, but Adri was like "listen, i'd rather they not breakup but here's how we can add some depth" and it took a lot of going back and adding shit like Blaine's guilt over the Karofsky situation--which in turn opened the door for exploration about Blaine's mental health which I did not plan on ten years ago but booooooy did I love!

There was also almost no Christmas "episode" bc i straight up had no idea what to do with it, but again, my dearest partner in crime (be gay do crimes) helped me with that

The last thing that was difficult for me to write was actually the ending. So the fic was supposed to end with Blaine forgiving his father and Blaine and Kurt being invited to and attending his wedding. (Keep in mind I was 15 when I planned this lmaooo) this was something I didn't quite have an epiphany about UNTIL I started writing HWGA because the idea of not HAVING to accept apologies is always easier said than done

but my biological father is/was a lot like Blaine's in this verse and when I started actually writing this story, instead of just having the ideas around in my head for years, I got to thinking like. No. Actually I am NOT the one who did wrong in this situation and I am NOT obligated to accept any olive branch you extend bc you feel bad for fucking up 18 years ago. so when I started outlining it--It actually felt wrong for me to force Blaine to forgive his dad. because if someone told me to forgive mine i'd probably throw hands lmao skcjdlcjdsd

So yeah, I think that's a big reason why I love this story--it just took me to a bunch of unexpected places in so many ways even though it took sooooo much workshopping a lot of the time lmao sorry for the whole ass novel

🌿how does creating make you feel?

ALL THE WAYS! Sometimes frustrated at not being able to convey what i want to come across, but most of the time I'm just like "Damn... MY dumbass wrote that???? ten points to ravenclaw ig"

Really though, it does fill me with a sort of wonder for the human race in the ways we can like. build something out of nothing??? like these were THOUGHTS in my BRAIN and now they are on a PAGE on the INTERNET where other real life PEOPLE can read it and give me virtual little hi-fives and say "thanks for making this!" like???????? INSANE ACTUALLY

These were so much fun! Thanks a lot for the ask :) <33

Fic Writers Asks!

#ask #asks #heavensenthale #rajalagang

[nikki-with-a-pen]

Not sick enough

Have you ever thought about cutting off a finger? A leg? About getting out alive out of some gruesome accident? Or purposefully surviving a suicide attempt? Do you, even for a moment, wish for cancer?

I'm ten and I dread going to school, my mom knows this. I also have a slight headache. I ask my mom if I can stay home to which she reluctantly agrees. I get excited, so my head can't hurt much, my face isn't flushed with exhaustion. My mom gets migraines and doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I'm not hurt enough for compassion.

I'm eight and I can't be eight again. Talkative, talented and with a body that's symbiotic to me. I don't argue with my body.

I'm ten and I'm too sensitive. You shouldn't be crying about this, at least not this much. I cry more and I'm crying for attention. I stopped crying, so there wasn't anything to cry about, really. Invisible African children have it so much worse.

I'm twelve and I'm hurting. I'm talented but lazy, I'm a talkative shut-in and my body is a foreign mass. It, the body, it's all wrong. People start leaving me without a reason given. I don't recognize my body in the mirror, but it must be me I'm looking at. I'm wrong so I shed skin with a pencil sharpener blade.

I'm fourteen and learn that's not the right answer. The box cutter can't get to the contents within. I'm selfish for making my mother worry and cry even more. I'm lazy, I can't get this simulacrum to do anything. I got two psychs who did nothing, so there's nothing else to do, nothing worth doing. Why fix what isn't broken? I'm either not in pain, or my pain can't be fixed. I'm not in pain.

All my woes are mine, all the foes are just inside my head. I can't be hurting, yet I am, so who's hurting? I can't be sensitive, yet I am, so which one am I? I pick up and abandon hobbies which I still kinda like.

There's a world where I stopped hurting a long time ago and have been riding the wave of romanticizing my suffering. There's a world where I know I hurt and I don't let anyone know.

Each a rubicon I'm too scared to internalize and cross over. I'm the middle of a shattered mirror and every shard shows a different, ugly truth accompanied by some sick sense of relief. Are the shards even real? Winds and sands wash over glass and dull the pieces. A matte reflection of some part of what was supposed to be one.

I have inner arguments. I hurt so what hurt me? Is it OCD? DPDR? ASD? ADHD? DID? I get lost between acronyms. I show some signs of all but I don't hurt enough for any label to stick. I'm a hypochondriac who can't really hurt. And if I ever hurt enough, I won't hurt enough for me. I look at my sickly, frail body in the mirror. At least it belongs to me now. Though It's not purely mine, It's of the shattered. I stare deep into the eyes of my body and when the abyss stares back, I flinch and stop thinking. I go back to brushing my teeth.

I have a body that's very slowly coming apart at the seams. I have a mind that breaks itself and builds itself up every few months. Every revelation I make is probably a false epiphany. The deeper I dig the more suffocated I get, yet not enough to just die in the mines for good. I don't really trust half the sentences I've written.

Until recently I didn't have unconditional support and love. And even then I can't really trust my lover’s opinion, it's my suffering or the lack thereof. Wouldn't it be beautiful to hurt? For everyone to agree, for the flocks of doves to come in with chocolates and flowers and “get well soon” cards?

Wouldn't it be beautiful if, in the sickest sense of the word, it was all worth it?

Wouldn't it be great to finally snap and be sure?

[thisdreamplace]

Hey ... So I'm having this problem that's. Not really a problem. But I just idk. I'm in a very confused phase right now. I kind of had this mild realisation earlier today after reading some of your posts. Like this very small epiphany that yes, I really am god, I really am in charge. But it was more like "ohh, I just need to acknowledge this fact and live in it to fully step into my power and start living the life I want" kinda deal, not an ACTUALLY acknowledging my power, living in it, fully stepping into it kinda deal. I've wanted to go into the void for a while, months actually, and I realised - hey, wtf? This is the law of ASSUMPTION. Just live in your imagination, become totally deluded and convince yourself that you're going to go into the void tonight or that you go into it every time you fall asleep or that it's just ridiculously easy for you to get in. Even if it doesn't happen at first, so what? You're supposed to ignore the 3D and live in the 4D. Just persist in it and, because you're pretty good at manifesting despite your constant spiralling and doubts and questionable self concept, within a few days the 3D will conform and you'll get in. Then you'll set the intention for every single desire you have from your very long list, then you'll shift to one of your fun little DRs and stay there for a few days before coming back to this reality and THEN you'll begin living the life of your dreams and finally enjoying yourself and being happy. It's so simple. Just change your thoughts.

And then I didn't do any of that.

Idk. I don't know why I didn't. It's night right now where I am and in a while I'm going to sleep and I'm going to try to go into the void again and fail because I didn't do any of it and I'm very tired and I don't know what to do and I'm also confused because why am I making this so hard for myself? The void is literally within me. I already have the assumption that it's easy to enter the void and that I'll get in after 5 minutes or less of affirming. I didn't succeed before because I didn't actually try - I got stuck on the part where you're supposed to find a comfortable position to stay still and relax in. I flopped around for hours trying to get comfortable, until eventually I got so tired and frustrated that I said fuck it and went to sleep. This happened a few nights in a row. I have (strongly suspected) ADHD and I fidget a lot, especially at night when I'm laying down and trying to sleep, and it helps me focus and relax. But you're supposed to stay still when affirming for the void so that just sucks. Two nights ago I tried for the void again and for the first time I actually got symptoms - my calves felt like they were floating or expanding and I got really excited, but then I think I just lost focus or something because it stopped and then I lost my momentum. I KNOWW you don't need the void to manifest and trust me, I don't put it on a pedestal or anything (or at least I try not to) and I do believe that it's easy to enter. Just not for me. And I know how to fix it hence the entire first part of this incredibly long and annoying message but for some reason I choose not to. Also it might be worth mentioning I had about two mental breakdowns this week and I've just generally not been feeling the greatest, so that might be having some effect in my manifestations and mindset. In fact the only reason I'm writing this is because I was feeling really bored and depressed and hopeless and I just wanted some advice about ... Literally anything. All I want to do is go to the void, manifest my dream life, and dip. After I get all those things I want, including being cured by what can be considered a disability, I'll finally be happy. That's probably a damaging way to think. But anyway.

What am I doing wrong?

hi. tbh bestie this is kind of going to be tough love bc honestly speaking

you said a lot of things here but what stood out to me the most was this part:

“I KNOWW you don't need the void to manifest and trust me, I don't put it on a pedestal or anything (or at least I try not to) and I do believe that it's easy to enter.”

with all the love, and this isnt just towards you but many others, you need to get real. lol it has me gagged that so many of you sit here sounding like, “life is so hard. im very ugly. no one loves me. im so depressed. my self concept is really good though so like where am i going wrong 💔” like lmfao…….

there’s not one bit of you in this ask that has me convinced that you actually know the things you’re claiming. you don’t need the void, you don’t put it on a pedastal… and yet you send me this ask where you’re obsessed with it. okay…

so let’s just start there. honesty with oneself is the first step. in the law especially, lying to yourself actually never works because like it says in the bible god will not be mocked. this means that you can pretend to be some type of way, but the god within knows what you’re REALLY saying within yourself. don’t be surprised when your real story you believe in keeps showing up in your life.

second thing that stood out to me:

“After I get all those things I want, including being cured by what can be considered a disability, I'll finally be happy. That's probably a damaging way to think. But anyway.”

those who wait for happiness wait forever. because it was always within, it was never a destination. it was always there and they ignored it. i think we try to write things off by pretending we’re acknowledging it “that’s probably a damaging way to think.” no, it actually is the reason why you’re in a self sabotaging doom loop. i’m not really sure what you want ? the law is driven by the self and only the self. either you’re in charge or you’re not. either you take control of your life or you keep thinking the universe may come in and save you. choose one because it simply will never work both ways.

when people come to me honestly, i will truly do what i can to help you no matter how hard it gets. when people come to be complacently, i’m not sure what to do. if you sit here and say you know everything and you just refuse to do it… then… alright. no one said you have to get what you want in life. it is completely optional for some of you. for me though, it’s the only path i see. thats why i stay committed and devoted to myself everyday because i deserve it all. and i know there’s plenty of you out there who feel how i do and wake up everyday to do your best. i do what i need to do to make sure i’m taken care of, because i love me and look out for me. if you’re gonna treat yourself like a second choice, and can’t even be bothered to turn within yourself and be the support you need then… i’m not sure what i could do for you. the law is fully based on self and only the self.

also it’s not always as easy as just flipping thoughts. it works for some people, sure. but that has nothing to do with those of us who it doesn’t work for. lol there’s other paths in this than just flipping thoughts and relying on the void like it’s ur lifeline. so if i was u i would lighten up a little and explore and learn myself and do what actually feels good to me and not what the entire online community is telling me to do.

i think sometimes some of us have actual old stories we have to work thru first. like your choice to just keep doing nothing isn’t just bc. there’s something inside u that is actively making it this hard. i also had this type of similiarity i had once had to sit down with and confront and accept about myself so i could let it go. so yeah. i’m not into the idea that you can just… bypass ur deeply engrained old story. it’ll keep being the place u operate from until u properly acknowledge it and allow urself to shift. note how none of this about force. it’s just about allowing. on my blog u have more than enough advice on how this is done. (pls check #i am and #allowing tags)

anyway i hope this helps you to maybe take on a new perspective and move forward in a way you would want for yourself. sorry it it was ever harsh but i do think its important to share this, for others who can relate to you. 💞

#i am

[edoro]

Heya! I wanna pick your brain a bit - what are your thoughts on how Belos’ character will ultimately be taken? Do you see his mindset never being changed and plainly being defeated as the Big Bad (his horrible mentality has persisted for a few centuries now after all) OR perhaps an ending where he has an epiphany of sorts and chooses to, well, no longer be an absolutely terrible, abusive, creepy bastard? I see the first option as being the probable one to happen, but the idea of him taking the path towards redemption and atonement in the end is interesting to say the least…especially if he grows to deeply regret how he’s hurt his nephew in particular. I suppose my question boils down to: what do you anticipate happening vs what you would like to see happen?

this is an EXCELLENT question, thank you so much for asking me.

tl;dr, i don't think he's heading for a redemption and i think it's very unlikely he's going to change his ways, but how that's all actually going to play out and what's going to happen to him is all very much up in the air, i think.

i think the protagonists have one idea of what his motives are and what he's planning - that it's going to be a problem, obviously, that he's straightforwardly evil, that he's power-hungry and seeking glory and control for his own sake - but i don't really think that's what's actually going on! he's been obsessively pursuing something for almost 400 years, keeping himself doggedly and painfully alive through those centuries, and i'm sure it's not going to be good for anyone when he gets it, probably especially not himself.

i definitely think that the protags are in for a surprise re: his motivations. how sympathetic they're going to end up being is... debatable. maybe understandable is a better word - that one can see the cause and effect of how whatever this is became so important to him, why he's willing to sacrifice so much for it, the train of thought that led him to where he is considering the kind of person he is.

with Belos himself, though... i think that everybody has the capacity to change, to reflect on what they've done and choose to act differently, but i think a lot of people lack the willingness to do so, and imo Belos is one of those people.

i don't think he's going to have an epiphany about his behavior because i don't think the results of his behavior are in any way unknown or surprising to him. it's hard to imagine someone just - being okay with acting this way, with hurting people like this, and i do think that the internal reasons he has for doing it are more complicated than just "he enjoys hurting people for fun" - but with him, i think he's decided that the human (so to speak) collateral is worth getting what he wants, whatever that might be.

("Nothing is worth hurting people!" "Oh, I disagree.")

i've seen, for instance, meta that suggests that it's Philip's brother who drew the Eclipse Lake page with that doodle on it, because Philip is too self-aggrandizing to draw himself in his brother's shadow like that, and i disagree - i think Philip drew it and i think it's really an extremely telling piece of the puzzle here.

i think that's how he sees himself - overshadowed, unappreciated, the wounded victim who's going to get his own back and show them all, misunderstood but just you wait and see, once he gets what he's working towards then it'll all be worth it.

from that stance - that he's the victim here, that everybody else is doing him wrong, that his pain and needs and desires are just more important than anyone else's and having them thwarted is a special cruelty, that him wanting something enough justifies any and all actions he takes in pursuit of it - then i think his behavior, which is antithetical to his apparent goals of 'a functional government' or 'meaningful relationships with his family', makes sense.

someone as deep into that mindset as he is has a lot resting on their refusal to ever change. he's perfected the art of justifying his actions to himself and manipulating every relationship around him to give him exactly what he wants - control without responsibility, intimacy and regard without vulnerability. he gets to control the narrative and project the roles he wants everyone else to fulfill onto them and he gets to feel righteous and satisfied and smug about it.

i don't think he would ever come to regret the way he's hurt people - including Hunter - because he did it on purpose, knowing what he was doing, and from a position of thinking that it was completely justified because of his own feelings.

he might end up regretting the consequences of having hurt Hunter - the way he ends up regretting the consequences of having fucked with Luz and Lilith - but the same way he projected all his rage onto them for daring to respond to his cruelty, i think that he'll just spin it - and genuinely see it - as a betrayal on Hunter's part.

he just doesn't seem like he would be willing to actually meaningfully own up to or atone for his actions. the DARVO mechanisms are just too deeply ingrained and his own sense of self is too strongly tied to this bit of interpersonal sleight of hand where everything is always someone else's fault and he's just so reasonable and they aren't and also nothing matters unless he says it does.

it's hard for me to imagine what might push him to the point of doing so! even if his plans end up backfiring on him (and i still strongly believe that he doesn't particularly care about his own life here), then i think he'd just blame someone else. if everyone close to him abandons him, then that's just more proof that he's right in the way he views himself. it's not like he doesn't know what he's doing to Hunter, and tbh he does it with every sign of enjoyment.

the idea of what it might take or the possibility is definitely fascinating. i think part of my inability to imagine how it could happen is because of that line at the end of s2e12, "i just need to live long enough to see this through."

to me that just suggests that there is nothing he cares about more than accomplishing this. whatever his goal is, it's a higher priority than basic self-preservation for him. compared to that, what is the trust of his people, or the loyalty of his subordinates, or the love of his nephew?

like, in order for him to be willing to atone for what he's done and to change from his path, there would have to be something that he cares about more than this. something he decides isn't worth all of this. and he's already given up so much that i just can't imagine what that would be.

now i definitely do think Belos is headed for some kind of enormously narratively ironic downfall, but i don't feel like it's going to make him change his tune. rather it's just going to be kind of a tragedy - he not only wasted himself, he threw away every chance he had for any sort of significant or meaningful relationship with anyone, and in the end it didn't even get him what he wanted.

so that's what i THINK is going to happen. and it's what i think i'd find most narratively satisfying, tbh - that in the end he is the instrument of his own misery, and that he could have avoided it if he had made different choices, but at a hundred different points he made the choice that would lead him to this - not an inevitable fate, at all, but one he actively built for himself.

and i think that's borne out by the way we see all of the other characters learn and grow and change. he's stuck in time, stuck in the past, fixated on some old obsession he won't let go of, repeating these same dynamics over and over again and trying to put himself in control of them, rather than learning and changing and growing and moving on. everyone else is dynamic; he's static. they grow; he decays.

and i think the lesson that this is a choice, not just some inherent aspect of who he is as a person but the result of several lifetimes' worth of deciding to act this way on purpose and with full knowledge of how it affected people and what it would do, and that he could have made different ones but didn't, is a big part of what the series is all about.

(that being said, if the show did manage to get him to realize how badly he'd fucked up, i would probably like it! i trust the writers that if they did that, it would be satisfying. i just don't think it's going to happen.)

#emperor belos #the owl house #toh spoilers #asks

[fonulyn]

So I'm reading this sad Chreon story - as one does (it's me, I'm one) - and I just had the weirdest epiphany? Like, I dunno, it's probably dumb and far from a hot take or some eye opening character analysis no one has done before but I noticed that people (including myself, so like not saying this in any kind of bad way) tend to write Leon as stand offish, apathetic, and cold. Like this story stated it specifically, said something along the lines of "this is what Leon gets for cultivating a reputation for being unapproachable, apathetic, and indifferent" and the insinuation there is that he's done this on purpose, put on this front to seem unaffected by things when in the presence of others, and I think it's pretty true for his character. Like anything post RE2, Leon is kind of. I dunno, I wanna say deadpan? He seems to express v little emotion, and when he does it's usually in the form of a quip, one-liner, or snarky come back. Sometimes awkward small talk lol. But it feels like he's built this wall, this persona around himself, not just to protect himself from losing more people (bc he probably sees it as some kind of inevitability, and with his track record I certainly wouldn't blame him), but to protect people from him. This poor man has spent so long fighting, trying to save people, and even tho he saves the day in the end, so many people get lost in the process, and Leon feels every single loss personally. Right off the bat we see it every time someone dies in RE2, then again in RE4 with Luis, who he knew for a short period of time and yet mourned so heavily for, and even Krauser to an extent. Leon is someone who is quick to trust, even as he gets older, and we see that in RE Vendetta, too. Like that's probably one of the big reasons he's so devastated after losing his team. Not only was he entrusted with a group (which doesn't happen often, as far as we have seen), but he probably put his trust in them as well, including Petrucio, the man who betrayed them. I just think Leon is such a complex character who hides so much of himself (which is convenient for bad writers at Capcom who can't write good dialogue to save their lives lmao, but I also think it's a decent part of his character now), probably so what happened in RE2 doesn't happen again. Bc that shit was probably so traumatizing, and Leon was still a baby! I'm only a year older then he was at the time of RE2 but like, as humans our brains don't finish growing until age 25, so that kind of trauma at that age is for sure gonna stick with you, and it seems he picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms from it that's more than just his drinking problem. Anyways I guess I just wanted to rant about how Leon is the most "emotionless" character in RE but in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe. He's such a tragic character and I love him so goddamn much, like he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way. Selfless, capable, dependable, reliable, smart, passionate, caring. And some of this might be my own character building I've done based off of other headcanons and character analysis posts and stories I've seen, but I do think we see a lot of this in the canon content, too. I just really love Leon S Kennedy, okay? He makes me sad but also so so happy and I love him v much, he is a big time comfort character for me. Sorry for the rant, just needed to scream about this with someone who would understand lol 😅

oh anon, I get you, I dooo. I think that you're right in that Leon has kind of this shell around himself because it's the only way he can cope. but there are so many cracks in his shell, and he lets people in so readily even when it would stand to reason that he shouldn't trust anyone anymore. he gets attached to people lightning fast, and he'd die for them even when he's barely met them.

this borders on headcanon territory, definitely, but I tend to often write him as someone who gets attached easily and falls for people easily (be it friendship or romantic or anything), but then he doesn't know how to properly let people in because he's got his defense mechanisms, he's trying to keep himself from breaking, and what if he truly lets someone past those walls and then another disaster strikes and he never recovers from it?

and I think it shows a lot in how he's so awkward with small talk, he can throw in one-liners and dad jokes and try to keep his own (and anyone else's) spirits up with that. but oh man. beyond that? the boy doesn't know how to naturally talk to people. (even like in Infinite Darkness, with Claire, I think his "don't do anything stupid" was 100% meant to be a joke, both times, but it just didn't exactly land perfectly. poor awkward bby)

but like even though he might put up this unaffected front, he's still so very expressive? like... if you really pay attention to him? he's far from actually an expressionless and cold person. he just isn't very loud about it. (i was just going through ID screencaps yesterday and while Shen May is talking and Leon is on the background, he goes through such a journey in expressions alone :'D)

AND HE CARES. like, for example in Infinite Darkness, he sees Patrick is shaken and the first possible moment he has, he immediately asks him if he's okay and takes a moment to reassure him. they're in a hurry, he's supposed to get going and not check up on a guy he's never even met before, but he does it anyway. and I think it speaks a lot of his character. he's quick to offer support and comfort, and he genuinely tries to be there for others the best he can. he desperately needs someone to listen to him in turn, seriously. give him emotional support, damnit.

and I wanna highlight what you said:

in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe.

because yes. 100%. also this:

he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way.

like. yes. there was this one meme thing going around which was basically like asking if you feel like you're like your favorite character and I'm just. I fucking wish I was one tenth of what he is :'D

I know not even he is perfect, c'mon, no such thing as perfect people exist (not even in fiction, or if they do then they'd be really damn boring :'D). i'm not trying to claim he has no flaws, or that he never does anything wrong. he has and he does. but the amount of genuine caring he shows and how hard he tries to do the right thing? truly awe inspiring.

i just. I'm right there with you. I love him so damn much. and that's why I spend most of my time writing fic where he gets at least some of that happiness he deserves :'D i need him taken care of, damnit, and if canon doesn't give him good things then i damn sure will.

#whenever you want to talk about him anon #i'm right here for you :D #i love him so much #so muchhhh #anonymous #ask and i shall answer #re answers #leon s kennedy #long post

[bigskydreaming]

My favorite thing (cough bullshit cough cough) is when fics allude to all this stuff Jason holds against Dick but never go into any specifics. While at the same time having no trouble being detailed about other stuff in the fam's history or Bruce in UTRH, but the sec its Jason bitching at Dick it gets real vague. Jason's like oh you know what I'm talking about or don't think I've forgotten, you dick....but we're supposed to just imagine for ourselves what that is. Incheresting.

Me at all the fic writers who are like “Oh so you think Dick was never a fuckhead to Jason huh, well in this essay I will....”

Like here’s the thing, as I’m always saying:

Fanfic? Inherently transformative. You can do whatever you want with it.

So that means that yes, absolutely, if you want? For whatever reason? You CAN write Jason and Dick having this extensive history of Dick being a jerk to Jason and Jason resenting him because of it.

But.

But but but but but.

You have to like, actually WRITE that.

And that’s the part that people just.....don’t do. Instead they rely on just handwaving into existence a backstory that only exists on their say-so, and expect readers to just accept Dick’s characterization here as fact, even though its literally not based on canon OR based on anything they’ve actually provided in story......

Because even in a transformative medium, you have to actually TRANSFORM something to get from Point A to Point B!

You want Dick’s character to be this callous jerk full of regrets because he came to his epiphany of How Not To Be A Jerk too late in life and his siblings are all like well we don’t really have time for you now, you missed your shot bro?

Cool cool.

But you have to TRANSFORM Dick’s character from what he’s ACTUALLY like in canon TO that figure there, and there’s no actual transformation in any of these stories. They just start with it taken as a given that this is the way Dick already is, and expect everyone to just catch up and get on board, despite the fact that if we were to anthropomorphize their fic and ask “hey Siri-fic, show us how you got Dick from Point A to Point B,” the fic would say no because there’s no work to show. It doesn’t exist.

Instead, what we actually get is a characterization of Dick that to most of his fans honestly doesn’t make any sense, and we’re like, wait, why is Dick like this here, and in response we get fics being like *points to this part of canon, says everything you need to know is right in there* and we’re like no we’ve been to that part of canon, what you’re describing is literally just NOT THERE. So again, still, once more with feeling: wait, why is Dick like this here?

And not to be contentious on main, oh wait lol I don’t care, but like......tbh this is a very cheap and lazy form of storytelling. And I don’t actually feel bad for saying that, sorry not sorry, because I feel like writers in this fandom have long been perfectly happy to run with this sorta thing and then hide behind “cant criticize my story, Im doing this for free” to keep people from commenting on how this is an ummm not great approach to taking characters from canon and transforming them into something else. 

Even though its like.....I don’t really care about your singular story enough TO criticize it, I’m perfectly content to x out of it and move on to the next one, but when so damn many of these stories are relying on the same shortcut without a single one of them actually doing any of the transformative work to justify their take, and over and over we’re just expected to go along with this, its like.....umm yeah, I do actually feel that at a certain point its abundantly relevant to point out that this IS a ginormous fucking trend and the trend itself is absolutely deserving of criticism.

And quite frankly, when fics or headcanons RELY on the expectation that people just nod and smile and shh don’t question it every time they come across a depiction of Dick Grayson as just this total thorn in his family’s side......like, “no” is actually a perfectly valid response to that expectation, lmao. Nobody is owed fans of this character just sucking it up and being like nah, this is fine, as everyone continues to run with this ball all while justifying it with handwaving and vague pointing at an ever moving target whenever somebody’s just like....”I’m not even trying to criticize your fic, I’m just wondering what your take on Dick is based on, because I think we’re looking at two entirely different characters here.”

Because like....we are! Lmao. Yeah, different interpretations are a thing, but when the Dick Grayson in question is foundationally based on formative events that literally don’t exist anywhere BUT in the fic writer’s mind because the writer never actually wrote them into the fic and they don’t actually exist anywhere else.....we are effectively at that point talking about two entirely different characters. And its extremely irritating for those of us who want to talk about the one that’s based on actual canon events to be constantly told we’re doing it wrong and just being referred back to the general collective view of how ‘Dick is bad actually, cuz we say so,’ when pressed for specifics. Like, I’ve literally had people post or comment about ficlets I’ve written that show Dick and Jason getting along pre-ADITF, where people are like “aww this is so much better than canon, would’ve been nice if we could’ve had this instead of Dick being such a jerk to Jason.”

I mean....fahlkfhaklfhaklfhklafhklahfalhaf! Y’know?

But I mean. I digress. Probably. I don’t know. What was the question?

[otterskin]

Thoughts on Loki Episode 4

I have been pretty positive about the series so far, with a few reservations. But this episode...oh no this episode.

I don't want to put negativity on people's dashes and I assure you I am still reserving judgement for the final episode and then T-Minus 1 week to think about it but...oh noooooooooooo....

There were many enjoyable ideas and scenes, but it all hung under the shadow of the...you know what it is. The...why. Why why why...

I'm just trying to...are they...they are. Aren't they? I mean that's...I mean I'm sure Reddit is having a field day, but I'm having a bad one.

It's a pet peeve of mine that 'romance' with a woman fixes a man. I don't think that's a healthy message to send and I've been glad to see more modern stories do away with it.

"Oh, but Otterskin!" I hear you say. "What about THOR? You love that movie. Doesn't that do it?"

I don't think it did. Thor's mostly on a journey of self-awareness. His empathy for Jane having her life's work stolen by SHIELD (a government with no oversight doing as it likes) does help him tap into a better understanding of what it's like to be powerless and therefore understand what a crashing bore he'd been. But at no point is she his goal, or his motivation. He spends plenty of scenes talking to Selvig as well and has similar epiphanies. And finally, the scene that precipitated his biggest shift in perspective was Loki's Lie when he was captured - the one about Odin being dead and it being his fault. That was what really got him reeling and changing, not romance.

As for this...I...Jane is at least not a weird quasi-twin-sibling. Like...this is not what it means to love yourself. Dear god. Dear...god. What do they want me as the audience to feel about this? Am I meant to cheer it? Am I meant to make crass jokes? Am I meant to laugh at what a narcissist Loki is? What did you want me to feel, writers, director, etc? Because 'nauseous' is the likely outcome of that twisted idea but it's probably not what you should be hitching the whole emotional arc of the show to.

And don't get me started on the overuse of the word narcissist. I know it's overused IRL to a point of personal irritation, but a narcissist is someone incapable of self-reflection, empathy, self-recrimination or awareness - that's just colloquial, mind, not the actual disorder which I am not qualified to diagnose. To say Loki is such a raging narcissist that he could only romantically love himself is just...wrong. And I'm tired of that word being applied willy-nilly. To be clear, I love a lot of characters that definitely can be called narcissists, so I don't object on that score. But to call Loki one just doesn't sit right with me. He doesn't belong in those ranks and to make such a joke out of it is disturbing.

Finally, putting all that to the side - and it is a big thing, a potentially series-ruining thing for me - there's the technical problems that have been piling up for awhile now.

The writing often has very good ideas (I loved the Sif time-loop). But too often, scenes meander, go nowhere, and do only one thing and that thing is usually repeated exposition. Scenes are supposed to be doing at minimum a few things at a time (see Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl for a great screenwriting lesson on that), but so many just go on and on accomplishing very little. And this from someone who lives for long conversations in fiction without break! (But The Two Popes this is not.) On top of that, the dialogue is just clunky, half-baked and lacking nuance. The hand-holding I sensed in episode 1 has been cranked up to 9, nearly as bad as latter-season WandaVision. I'm not allowed to interpret, to think, to wonder. Everything is spoonfed in the most obvious and dictated dialogue that can be conceived. It's all very...amateurish. Say what you will about Branagh and Waititi (I personally have very good things to say about both, they were directors I admired a lot before they were ever attached to Thor), but they edited their work very carefully and infused a lot of personal flavour into it. That refinement is what's missing here, although there is at least still a fair amount of passion.

And Mobius...what did they do to you, new favourite character? I did love the scene with Ravonna, it's probably the best in the episode. But everything else was just rushed. I did appreciate his anger and his desire to control and punish in retaliation made even more explicit, but then he heel-turns so quickly afterward that it jars. They failed to show us his process to change and once again just told us instead of putting in the work and convincing us. You can blame lack of time in this 6 episode run, but many movies sell an arc like that in far less.

There are many good things. I still really liked episodes 1&2 and mostly 3, though the writing problems really started rearing their heads there. I don't want to be a toxic person. I promise this won't be one of many angry posts, I just needed to get it out of my system. I welcome responses to this that disagree. I'll still do a ton of meta about some interesting background things.

I still have hope for the rest of the series. I really do. There's a lot of good here, even if I feel like this one very, very sour note might've made me incapable of appreciating them.

I honestly feel like I'm back in the theatre watching The Dark World for the first time again. Which was not a good evening for me. Except now it's gonna be a whole week and maybe longer. But maybe, maybe they can still pull out of this nose-dive. Maybe they can say it's not a romance, that's just another twisted thing Mobius threw in Loki's face to manipulate and shame him. Maybe Loki really does feel a special bond to Sylvie that is not romantic but something else. But if that's what they're going for, they did a terrible job of framing it in this episode.

Thanks for letting me rant.

P.S. I hope they go somewhere interesting with that Elmo spoiler Gif above.

#loki #loki 2021 #loki show #loki negativity #for those who like to filter #I totally respect that #loki commentary

[one-boring-person]

@jawline-of-steel I hope, as my new best friend (hehe), that you like this!😁💛💛👍 (I also hope that it's the right context and that😅💛)

You've Got The Wrong Girl.

David (The Lost Boys) x reader

Warnings: bad language, implied sexual themes, very vague mentions of death and blood (but only if you look closely)

Masterlist

Somehow, David manages to exhale his next breath of smoke in an aggressive manner as he leans back against his motorcyle, muscles tense and stance almost uncomfortable, drawing the other's attention to him instantly.

"Where's (Y/n)?" Is Paul's first question, the tall blonde moving forwards slightly, craning his head around to look for his leader's significant other.

"I don't care." He huffs angrily, lips closing around the butt of his cigarette once more, blue eyes iced over.

"Ooh, what happened? Did she shove a pole up your arse?" Marko quips, smirking to Paul suggestively, only to yelp when David's hand snaps round to clip him round the ear, the platinum blonde's venomous scowl fixed on him briefly.

"You'd better keep your mouth shut, or I'll take great pleasure in doing it for you." He snarls at him, voice deceivingly quiet and threatening.

None of them speak for a few minutes, David's anger almost rippling off of him in static waves, keeping the air around them charged and tense, the four of them eyeing the area around them as a way to ignore this. Eventually, Marko and Paul wander off, bored as hell and feeling incredibly awkward, not quite noticing their leader's dirty look as they walk away, leaving Dwayne and David behind to brood in silence. Once again, neither of them say anything, until the dark haired vampire finally has enough of the tension, standing from his motorcycle and going to stand before David with a curious look on his face.

"What happened between you and (Y/n)?" He questions, blunt and to the point as always.

"What do you mean?" David's voice is monotone, blue eyes boring into Dwayne's pointedly.

"Don't pull that bullshit with me, you've been acting cold since you got here. The only time you ever get this annoyed is when (Y/n)'s said or done something you don't agree with." The tanned vampire points out, crossing his arms over his bare chest with a frown.

"I don't have to tell you anything." His leader responds, ees narrowing as he throws his cigarette butt to the floor, where he uses his foot to crush out the embers.

"No, but then at least act better towards the rest of us. You're not being fair on us." Dwayne snaps in reply, before he turns and walks off in a different direction, ignoring David as he let's out a low growl.

Sulking, David kicks at the tyre of his motorcycle, scowling at a surfer as they pass by, only to sigh in frustration and go looking for the object of his frustration: (Y/n), the girl who he somehow cares for, yet has the capacity to royally piss him off at any given time. It was, ironically, what drew him to her in the first place, her ability to completely go against what he asks without thinking twice about it, finding her personality a near perfect match to his. It's this thought that prompts him to go looking for her now.

He looks high and low, not entirely sure where she'd go without the boys, only to have an epiphany when he steps into the part that is lined with food stalls, figuring out exactly where she is in seconds. His icy eyes immediately find the back of her head amongst the sea of others, his legs instinctively taking him over to her, a habit he'll probably never kick, even in his long years of living. As he reaches her, David takes a hold of her wrist and goes to pull her into the nearest alley with the intention of talking to her, only to feel a little surprised when she digs her heels into the floor and stops still, her eyes meeting his challengingly.

"I'm busy at the moment, David. Would you mind coming back later?" She inquires with a false smile, pulling her arm from his grip.

"I would not. Come with me." He responds, drily, glaring at her as she cocks her head and looks at him.

"I'm busy, David. I'd rather stay here." She presses, shrugging as she goes to walk away, only to squeak suddenly when the vampire grabs her around the waist and carries her over his shoulder into the alley, ignoring the looks people are giving him as she hits him on the back, demanding that he let her go. Once out of sight, he puts her down, standing uncomfortably close to her to make his point, body outsizing her's with ease, though she doesn't back down, even as he places one hand on the wall behind her to stop her from trying to get away again.

"Well now that you've manhandled me in here, what do you want?" She sighs out, exasperated at the vampire's tactics, her eyes remaining fixed on his in defiance.

"I want you to stop behaving like a brat all the time, (Y/n). You've been testing my patience for weeks now, and I've had enough of it. Stop it before I make you." He threatens her, flashing his eyes slightly to make his point more obvious.

"Hold on, you want me to stop being who I am? And what in the hell are you going to do to enforce that, David? You know you don't scare me, even if you are a murderous person. You've got the wrong girl to be ordering around like that, something which you signed up for the moment you asked me out." She informs him, stepping forwards slightly, poking his chest to enunciate her words properly, unaffected by his tough guy act.

"I am well aware that you aren't a pushover, (Y/n). All I'm asking is that you don't put up such a fight all the time. Your sarcasm I can live with, because you put up with mine, but your attitude at times is something that has to stop. And as for what I'll do to you, you know full well what I mean." David growls quietly to her, leaning in close towards her neck, where he snaps his teeth, his canines pushing out long enough to lightly graze over her skin, images of him tearing into my skin flashing into her head, put there by the platinum blonde backing her into the wall.

"Controlling much, huh? Don't you realise that you can't make my decisions for me and control how I'm supposed to act? You shouldn't be asking me to adjust my entire personality to suit yours, David. If we're not getting along, we both need to change something. I'm happy to tone it down a bit, but only if you stop being so damn dominant all the time. I get that you're into that and all, but it doesn't always make for an easy relationship, so that's something you need to think through before coming here with your high-and-mighty orders for me." She explains to him, standing up straight as he leans over her, his eyes blazing with frustration.

For a minute, he says nothing, regarding her with an expression half-caught in anger, half in contemplation, a look of realisation seeming to creep into the hard lines of his handsome features, eyes softening slightly.

"Fine, I'm sorry that I'm controlling all the time, and I'm willing to stop being like that so much with you, but only if you do the same. We just keep clashing, and it isn't going to end well. I want to make this work, so I'll change for you if you change for me." He finally says, not quite backing up yet, clearly waiting for her to say something, too.

"Good. I'm glad we were able to work this out. I'll be less of a "brat" as you put it, but if I hear you trying to control the way I act again, I'll go right back to being the little bitch you know and hate." She promises him, smirking at her expression as his eyes darken.

Pressing himself against her, David grins to himself as he regards her face, enjoying the sensation of her body underneath his, even if it is obscured by the layers of clothing between them. Leaning in close, he uses his hands to pin her's to the wall behind them, their faces a centimetre or so apart, breath mingling, lips grazing one another as he speaks again.

"You'll still be my little bitch though, kitten. I'm not gonna let you go that easily. I'll change for you outside the sheets, but under them, well then you belong to me."

It's all she has in her to respond with a smile and a nod, going to reply before being cut off by his hungry lips on her's, his tongue easily slipping into her mouth as she gasps in surprise, a battle of tongues starting instantly. Her hands try to pry themselves from his vice-like grip, only to find themselves taken in one of his and held easily above her head, his other hand slipping down their bodies until he reaches the hem of her shirt, pushing underneath and onto her skin, caressing it smoothly as he swallows her moans and sighs. Grinding his hips into her's, he moves his lips from here and trails kisses down her neck and jaw, leaving purple marks in his wake, the wet track of his lips chilling in the cool air around them, but she only groans in response, wishing she could wrap her arms around him, though a small part of her is enjoying being restricted. Pulling away, he moves back up to her ear, where he breathes over it hotly before speaking again, voice husky and at a lower tone than usual.

"I'm sorry, (Y/n), I can be less dominant, if that's what you want." He purrs, sounding genuine as his darkened eyes bore into her's.

"It is, but I can be less rebellious, too. If that's what you want." She chuckles, breath hitching slightly from the arousal.

"We'll see." He says ominously, before his lips have collided with mine again.

#the lost boys #joel schumacher #vampire #david(thelostboys) #kiefer sutherland #paul(the lost boys) #dwayne(the lost boys) #santa carla #marko(the lost boys) #star(the lost boys) #request #ask #answer

[ravennaramos]

So it's been ten days since you've messaged me, and let me tell you, it kinda feels like the longest ten days of my life. In fact I go back to work tomorrow. Funny too, because I had hoped that during my break, maybe we'd get to chat more often than we had been. But, your silence has given me a lot of time to think, and to pray. It's also strangely given me license to say whatever I want now because if I've already lost you, then of what consequence are my words?

While I was in Mass this morning celebrating the Feast of the Epiphany, I prayed hard for guidance over what I should do about you. Should I walk away and let what we've cultivated for four months just wither and die? How can I keep shredding my heart by consistently being stonewalled by you? Who would be that crazy? Or have I just been completely wrong about you from the start?

And a thought entered my brain as though it had been spoken by someone sitting next to me: "He's trapped inside a coma made from his own fears"

I went back and read through our text messages over the past few months, like did a really deep dive. And I've come to some conclusions that I'm pretty sure are correct. Are you ready for some of my patented psychoanalysis that I know you love so much? lol

Firstly, let me just very bluntly say that I believe with every fiber in my body that you and I were supposed to meet. And I know that sounds crazy so I need you to understand that this is the very first time in my everloving life that I've ever even considered the possibility of fate being real. But when I examine the evidence it's like, how can I draw any other conclusion?

That I was admitted into —- starting Fall 2010? That you and I remember each other from —-'s class, despite me dropping it after only two lectures? That while I was gravely ill, I stayed on Zoom after one of Dr. —-'s lectures just so I could watch you talk to him about the flooding back home? (by the way, why do I think that you wear glasses?) That you tried to find me on social media after graduation and even considered sending me an email? I mean I believe in coincidence but come on

Secondly, you weren't ready for my voice recording- that's obvious. That is my bad and it's probably the one single regret I have for all of last year. You weren't ready for someone to be that open and vulnerable with you and I didn't realize it. I should've taken you at your word. Hell, maybe you weren't even ready to hear the sound of my voice. Although the wickedest part of me can't help but wonder... if you touched yourself when you heard it? Perhaps just a little bit?

Here's what I think has happened: I don't think you've ever met a girl like me before in your life. Someone who is genuinely fascinated by you and wants to know everything about you and shower you with attention (and affection, frankly). Someone who challenges you and who is your intellectual equal. Someone who really sees you. Someone who is as drawn to you as you are to her. I don't think you've ever been so tempted to let your wall down with someone else before, been so seduced by the idea of being completely vulnerable. You crave to stand naked before me… figuratively speaking of course

I think that you think about me all the time, and fantasize about me, and dream about me. I think I've wormed my way inside you in a manner that has caught you completely off guard. And I think that your feelings for me positively terrify you. So the dutiful Sergeant has quickly retreated back behind his wall, armed with the weapon of silence, vowing to shut out anyone that dare tries to enter. Especially me

But it's painfully lonely there, isn't it? Lonely to the point where you don't even have tears for it any longer, just a solid lump in your throat. Lonely to the point where it hurts to breathe because the air rushes into the hole in your heart. Lonely to the point where you'll happily work incredibly long hours just to avoid going home to a dark apartment and laying in bed alone

But the loneliness is comfortable because it's what you've always known. Even when surrounded by your big family, your college buddies, your platoon, you've always been alone, haven't you? And how dare I come along and make you feel feelings that you weren't ready for, perhaps never will be? And a part of you is trying very hard to push me away, begging for me to walk away, because not only will you go back to your familiar loneliness, but you'll be able to justify your existing feelings of unworthiness and unlovability

But how can you let me go when I might be one in a million, the biggest catch of your life, and when I quite obviously care for you too? How can you let me go when you’ve already fallen for me?

You're frozen in terror... trapped inside a coma created by your own fears

This is only my supposition of course, I could be incredibly off base here. Tell me if I am. In any case, it would make a great story

So I've prayed and ruminated on this for ten long days and this is what I've come up with

I think that we were supposed to meet, and I don't think we're done learning from each other. Not by a long shot

You expect me to give up and walk away. Well, I'm a stubborn bright side girl and I’m not going anywhere

真金不怕火炼 “Real gold does not fear the fire”

Instead, I'm gonna do the most radical, insane, dumb, patient, Catholic thing I can think of and stay right beside you. I'm going to fight for you to awaken from the coma for as long as you’ll let me. I said to you once that you're a tough nut to crack but I'm up for the challenge. And my word is my bond

You've changed the rules of the game, but I'm going to keep playing

I'm going to continue to text you just like nothing has changed, and at some point maybe I'll say something, anything, that you’ll feel compelled to respond to. Something that will shake you awake and out of your fear of me, just a brave little girl standing in front of you that cares about you deeply

Have a good week at work T, I’ll message again soon. Stay warm tonight, it’s frosty out there

#writing #is this flirting? #letter to T

[carry-on-snowbazzing]

My 5 best of 2020 (in 2021 😂)

1. A summer day ☀

"Well, Baz! Do you want to move?" Penelope yelled, already in the car (a certain MG dated 1967).

Simon studied his own reflection in the rearview mirror, running a hand through his bronze curly tuft and resulting in even more messiness.

"A minute!" was the answer from a few floors above the apartment.

Penelope rolled her eyes and picked up her Iphone.

Shortly after, hurried footsteps were heard coming down the stairs and Baz, after closing the door, got into the car.

Simon leaned out of the back seat and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled and, starting the engine, exclaimed:

"Destination: fun!"

  Later there were four of them getting out of the car: Baz with a beach umbrella over his shoulder, Simon struggling with a giant inflatable pink flamingo, Penelope with a cooler bag, and Agatha with another bag, containing beach towels and sunscreen.

"The weather forecasts were right; today’s a perfect day for the sea," Penelope commented as she slipped off her flip-flops and dropped her bag into the sand.

"Edward shines like a fairy!" Simon yelled, putting on a pair of sunglasses and pointing to Baz.

"Stop it, Snow," he laughed, "and give me my glasses back; all this sunshine stuns me."

Trying to ignore them, Agatha took off her cover-up and began to rub off the protection angrily.

"Whoever dives himself last is a pixie!" Simon yelled, throwing his t-shirt and starting to run towards the sea with Penelope at his heels.

Several splashes and laughter later, the two returned wet, smiling and hungry.

Meanwhile, Baz and Agatha had dedicated themselves to crossword puzzles and to the horoscope.

"Agatha, there must be some butter and turkey sandwiches in the cooler," Penelope said as she wrapped herself in her towel.

"I couldn't find anything better for you than beef carpaccio," she said to Baz.

He smiled making 'OK' with both thumbs.

"And for me?" Agatha asked, offended that her friend hadn't thought of her too.

"Fruit salad" she replied. "I know you're on a vegetarian diet."

Agatha blushed feeling a little guilty and muttered something like "Oh, thank you".

Everyone literally devoured their lunch, because, as Simon ruled on his fifth butter sandwich, "The sea makes you hungry."

They gossiped a bit about their old classmates, wondering if Gareth still had his belt buckle as a wand and if Trixie had a fight with his girlfriend.

  They lost track of time after falling asleep in the early afternoon sun.

It was the sound of a notification that woke Agatha, who, after seeing her mother's message ('Where are you? Coven party tonight!'), made a shrill sound that woke the others too.

"Damn, I'm in mega-delay!" she complained, sitting up and hastily gathering his things.

Seeing her so agitated, no one dared contradict her and they hurried too.

Before leaving for the return, all already in the car, Simon took out a Polaroid from the trunk (not an easy feat, given the bulky mass of the flamingo) and urged them:

"Wait! Say 'cheese'!"

Everyone posed, waiting for the flash.

Once the picture was taken, Simon reached for the film that had just come out of the instant camera, but found himself clutching a slice of Emmental in his fingers.

Baz couldn't help himself and laughed uncontrollably.

"Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch!" Simon bursted, but he couldn't bear a grudge and joined in the general laughter.

___________________________________________________

2. Shopping (Big & Little) 🥄

"They'll be emptying the mall, those two" Agatha commented, looking at the clock on the kitchen wall and adding another egg to the bowl.

"Probably" replied Penelope, who was handling the curry risotto.

"They've been away for three hours!" Agatha insisted, "and with two credit cards!".

Penelope gave her a look like 'what can we do?' and again consulted the handwritten note attached to the refrigerator with a magnet (shaped like a scone).

"Oh, I forgot the onion!" she moaned after a quick glance, "my mother would kill me if she knew!".

She went back to the stove and for a few minutes they remained silent, one intent on vigorously banging the whips, the other busy slicing the bulb.

Once Agatha had baked the chocolate cake (wiping a non-existent sweat with her glove) and Penelope had remedied her mistake, the girls dropped onto the sofa.

They were just debating which movie to watch that night when they heard the key turn in the lock and Simon exclaim from the entrance:

"We’re at home!"

The two joined them in the living room and Baz asked:

"Curry and chocolate?"

Penelope nodded.

"Sometimes I wish I was a vampire; just smell a dish to understand if the doses are right or wrong," she sighed.

"Shopping?" Agatha asked, looking at the numerous envelopes they both had in their hands and casting a reproachful look at Simon.

"There were the sales" he tried to justify himself, shrugging his shoulders.

"Hurry up; you’ll show us your spoils of war after dinner" Penelope ordered.

  "What do you think?" Simon began, smugly showing a set of jeans for Baz and a giant jar of sour cherries scones.

Penelope seemed to try not to roll her eyes.

"I stayed on the intellectual side" Baz said, pulling a stack of books and a pack of pastel highlighters out of a bag.

"I need them for the college" he explained to Agatha, who was trying to get hold of the markers.

"And you haven't seen the piece of resistence!" Simon shrieked, grabbing a smiling Baz by the wrist and dragging him into the nearest room.

They came out moments later walking backwards (in what was supposed to be an imitation of Michael Jackson's moonwalk), so they could only see their backs.

"3, 2, 1 ..." Baz counted.

"Ta daaaan!" Simon exclaimed as they turned at the same time.

They wore matching gray sweatshirts; both had a black molded spoon.

'Big' was written on Baz's, while Simon's 'Little'.

"Awww" the girls screamed in unison, in the grip of a fangirl attack (which managed to make Agatha look adoring too).

"We have a pair for you too" Baz said, handing Penelope a black t-shirt with 'Brownie' on it, while Simon gave Agatha a white one with 'Blondie' on it.

"Thanks, guys" Penelope murmured moved and Agatha initiated a group hug.

photos references

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3. Anniversary 💞

here

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4. Ops! 🧴

 Simon knocked for the tenth time on the bathroom door:

"Occupied!" Baz yelled for the tenth time.

"And sorry, but I can't hold it anymore anymore ..."

Simon abruptly released the handle, abandoning his irritated tone.

He let out a cry, muffled by the hands that he immediately brought to his mouth.

Baz was shirtless in front of the mirror, glaring at his own reflection.

Everything was perfectly normal, except for his hair: it had turned from raven to red.

Fawn red.

"If you tell anyone about this, Snow, I will end you" he growled menacingly.

Simon stood there, speechless. When he had regained the use of his mouth, he barely stifled a laugh and intoned:

“Weasley is our king

he always lets the Quaffle in ... "

From Baz's look, he knew it would be wiser to stop, so he did it.

He approached cautiously and asked gently:

"What happened to you?".

"I wish I knew; I was taking a normal shampoo shower" sighed Baz.

Meanwhile Simon had reached the sink and was looking closely at the bottle of the citron and bergamot scented blend.

"It doesn't seem to have anything strange" he then ruled, placing it back on the shelf.

"Indeed; I went to get it from my home in Hampshire; Daphne can only find it in our town's herbalist's shop," Baz replied sadly.

"I really can't explain it" he went on, unable to get over it.

"My sister gave it to me ..." he stopped suddenly.

He clapped her forehead and turned on the lock screen of his smartphone.

"Today is April 1st," he murmured.

He took the vial in one hand and, with the ivory wand in the other, exclaimed:

"Show me your secrets!".

The writing on the label changed from 'Shampoo with citrus notes' to 'Permanent color intense red'.

"MORDELIAAAAA!" he screamed as Simon rolled with laughter.

"April Fool!" he managed to exclaim between a laugh and another.

That’s totally inspired by a fanart of @vkelleyart​ 💖 :  that 

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5. Trick or treat? 👻

 "Well, Baz! If you don't move, we'll only have the sub-brand candy left!" Simon railed.

With all the peace of mind he could, Baz went down the stairs and joined his screaming boyfriend, who was immediately silent at his sight.

"Morgana, Basilton; you really mean it" Penelope commented, watching him as she lit another candle to put in the Jack o 'lanterns carved by Simon and Baz (which occupied all the flat surfaces of the apartment).

"I've been doing some accurate researches over the last week" he began, making a theatrical gesture in his vampire cloak.

"You even have the same jacket as Gary Oldman" she observed excitedly.

He, in response, gave her a perfidious look, baring his fangs.

Simon was still in his silence and couldn't take his eyes off him.

"What's up Snow, the cat got your tongue?" Baz asked, amused.

He answered with a tongue sticking out and approached him with a raised eyebrow (in perfect Baz style).

"Wow" he commented after kissing him on the cheek.

"Enjoy yourselves!" Penelope exclaimed as they came out hand in hand.

  "Where do we go now?" Baz asked.

Simon moved with great ease between one bell and another, meticulously illustrating the specialties offered by each house.

His phrases were: "Here you can always find top quality stuff", or "No, better to avoid an indigestion".

After scouring all the houses on the first five blocks, Simon had an epiphany.

"For a thousand snakes! Baz, we absolutely have to go to the 'Spooky night' party!" he screamed, making him jump.

"Crowley, Snow! Calm down!" he retorted irritably, adjusting the cuffs of his shirt.

"You don't understand," Simon insisted.

"Our loot is loser when compared to everything you can find there; Strawberry Blood Drip, Every Flavour Beans, Pumpkin PIE, Butterbeer and, hold on ... Oreo with Orange Cream!"

Baz, seeing him so excited ('like a child', he thought), couldn’t say no to him (although he wanted to go home more than anything else; his feet protested against Count Dracula's boots).

"And where would it be?" he asked, trying not to smile.

"A couple of blocks from here; hurry up!" Simon urged him, taking him by the hand and starting to run.

  "A delusion!" Simon snapped, leaving the bag full of sweets on the doormat.

"What happened?" Penelope asked Baz, who had just closed the door behind him and limped desperately as he headed for the sofa.

"In short at that damn party they had finished everything and told us our costumes sucked" he explained.

Simon was with his arms folded, all sulking, sitting in the armchair.

"Look at their costumes! And let me have something to eat, rather!" he barked.

Penelope approached him and, looking at him tenderly, reassured him:

"We always have our repertoire of horror films."

Simon shrugged, hitting the nearby lamp.

"And I was prepared for any eventuality," she went on, snapping her fingers and popping up a pack of Oreos with orange cream.

Simon's face cleared, illuminated by a huge grin.

__________________________________________________

Ty @letraspal​ for tagging me 💕

That’s all; hope u like it!  💜

Happy new Year! ✨

#snowbaz #sorry cuz i'm late #my 5 best of 2020 #hope u enjoy

[ma-gic-gay]

"Get. Out," Jason says, glaring at the mobster in front of him. "Aren't you supposed to be in a prison cell?"

"I was released on bail and wanted to see how-"

"Say her name and you'll be the one in the hospital bed."

"Is that a threat?"

"A promise," he smiles fakely, enjoying the fact he's the one with power in this situation. This sick bastard is the reason that his... Carly is traumatized and hurt.

"Please, leave," Carly requests softly. For a minute, Jason almost forgot she was there. He immediately goes back in his chair and wipes away her tears, which are coming fairly frequently. "I want him out of here and back in his cell."

"You heard the woman. Get out or I'll have security remove you."

"I own part of this hospital, Mr. Morgan. I'm on the board-"

"Not anymore," Michael answers, walking in with his kids and Willow. "Last night, the board took a vote. ELQ bought out your shares and the board decided you're no longer a part of it. So if I were you, I'd get out of here while you can still move."

"Are you threatening me, Mr. Corinthos?" Cyrus asks, amused. "That won't fly with anyone, really."

"You made a mistake, underestimating him," Willow chimes in. "I'd leave pretty quickly if I were you. After all, we know you're going back to Pentonville, where I look forward to you rotting in a prison cell until you die a slow, painful death."

"Ms. Tait-"

"It's Mrs. Corinthos, actually," she says, glaring at him while showing her engagement and wedding rings. "Because, you see, I love Michael and he loves me. That's what these beautiful rings mean. Something I doubt you'll ever be able to experience. Then again, maybe prisoners like knowing that their fellow prisoner is a kidnapper and rapist. Maybe not. I guess you'll find out."

"I have no reason to leave," Cyrus answers a non-existent question. "There's no need for me to. I just wanted to check on Carly. I do hope I can call you that, Mrs. Corinthos?"

"No," she answers, voice weak and tears still streaming down her face. "Please, leave. You know what you did to me. So do the cops, so does everyone else in this room. Enjoy your last few weeks of freedom if you insist, but otherwise, Cyrus, get the hell out of my room."

When he still refuses to move, Jason presses the "call" button near Carly's bed and Epiphany enters the room. "Mr. Renault. Unless you need medical attention, get out of this hospital."

"Nurse Johnson," he greets. "Nice to see you."

"Security!" Epiphany shouts instead of answering his greeting. "Cyrus is in 3115!"

A few moments later, a security guard enters and escorts Cyrus out, much to the man's protests. "I'm not doing anything wrong by visiting a friend!"

Epiphany casts a glance towards Carly, "You want a sedative or something?"

"No, thanks," the blonde responds, noticing her grandkids are in the room and breaking into a fake smile. "Hey Wiley, Ophelia! Did you two have fun playing with Donna and Avery yesterday?"

"Grandma, why are you crying?" Wiley asks. "And why aren't you at home?"

"I got a really bad booboo and so I'm stuck in here for a little while. Don't worry, bud, I'll be out of here and playing with you two again as soon as I can. Maybe we'll go get some ice cream to celebrate when I get out, how's that sound?" Carly asks her grandson, simplifying it greatly.

"Yay! Ice cream!" Wiley cheers while his sister just smiles.

"Hey, Mr. Wiley, I think you have to get to school," Michael says after glancing at his watch.

"But I want to help Grandma's boo-boos feel better!" He protests.

"Grandma needs her rest, Wiley. Tell you what, maybe your dad will take you here after school and you can tell her all about your day. How's that sound?" Jason offers, compromising.

"Will you make sure she gets her rest, Jason?" Wiley asks and they laugh at the young boy's concern.

"Yes, I will. But you've got to get off to school first."

"Okay. Bye bye, Grandma and Jason! I'll be back after school."

He waves as Michael takes him out of there, Ophelia still with Willow. "Ophelia, do you wanna say bye to her? Say bye bye," Willow urges, smiling.

Silence follows that. "She's being rude, sorry about that," she jokes before bringing her out to join Michael and Wiley in the car.

As soon as the door closes behind Willow, the silent tears multiply and Carly's loudly sobbing. "How did he get out, Jason? They promised me he'd go to jail, that he'd never see the light of day again. I know it's the PCPD, but they made a promise to me! And now he's walking around town, free to see me and make me feel like I'm back in that room and he's about to-" she trails off at one point, sobs overtaking her vocal cords.

"I don't know. I'm calling Diane; this isn't making any sense."

"No need to call, Jason. I'm right here. Heard Cyrus got let out?"

"He paid a visit to us, actually, only a few minutes ago," Carly says, abruptly ending her sobs.

"Well, the DA is going to take this case. Which means Robert Scorpio is your lawyer. I'm going to be assisting him, however, and I expect that Cyrus will be put away rather quickly. If he doesn't plead guilty, than you'll go to trial. His arraignment is happening tomorrow and he's out on bail until then. After that, he will be sent to Pentonville to either await trial or start serving his sentence," Diane summarizes quickly. "Carly, when are you expected to get out of here?"

"In a couple of days, but I think they'd let me out for a court date."

"You're not leaving until the doctor's deem it safe," Jason counters quickly. "If you can't go to the arraignment, I will. I'll tell you exactly what happened."

"Well if the doctors say I can go to court-"

"Look. I'll talk to the nurses and figure out what's going on here. You two can fight about this later. In the meantime, you need to be prepared for the possibility he'll plead not guilty and take this to trial." Diane interjects. "Robert will be by later today to discuss this with you."

"If he pleads not guilty and we go to trial, how fast can we get one?" Jason asks.

"A couple of weeks, probably. Which means keeping a low profile. No business talk, no crazy ideas. Just a coffee importer and a victim of what Cyrus did to you," Diane warns. "You two don't exactly have the best reputation."

"Hey, I'm a respectable businesswoman and he's a respectable businessman. We'll be fine," Carly smiles and Diane cocks an eyebrow at Jason.

"We won't do anything stupid."

"Good. I'm going to go talk to the nurses. Carly, rest up. We'll want you at court tomorrow." Diane says before leaving, her heels clacking along the tile.

"Don't tell me you want me to stay in the hospital," Carly says, starting up that argument again.

"I don't. But if it's the best way for you to heal-"

"It's not. I'm already bored to death and, as much as I enjoy your company, I want to be at home. Or at work. Back to running the world, you know? Not cooped up in this hospital bed, screaming every few hours because I feel like I'm back in that room above Jake's, which used to be such a fun spot but now it makes me want to die inside, thinking about it. Thinking about what he did, it taints almost all of our memories there and I think that's the worst part of it," the blonde admits, smiling through her tears.

"I can think, you know, about how we got our start, and when I focus on just you, it makes it all seem so much easier. When I don't, and I let my mind wander, somehow I end up thinking about what Cyrus did. I can't even indulge in nostalgia without thinking about him, Jason. The physical, yeah I'm sore but I'll be fine. Eventually, I won't have any physical mark of it. But the emotional one, what if it never goes away? What if whenever I think of us, and that little room, I always end up thinking about Cyrus? What then?"

"Then you'll just have to think of our other memories. At the penthouse, at any of your houses, with Michael, at the hospital, any of the years worth of other memories," he offers. "They're not our only good memories, Carly. They're just a few."

"My boy on the side, remember?" She asks and they laugh. "Robin couldn't find out and neither could Tony."

"Yeah," he smiles. "We were determined to never speak to each other outside of the bar and that room. It was pretty much our only rule."

"I never did like following rules."

"Not even the ones you came up with."

"Well, if I'd followed the rules, then you wouldn't know me nearly as well and you'd be leading a sad life without me in it. You wouldn't have nearly as much fun without me," she says confidently.

"I'd also have way less headaches."

"And be dead by now."

"Yeah, probably."

"I think I've earned a thank you."

"Thank you, Carly."

"You're welcome." Smiling, she realizes something. "Hey, I just realized that you didn't kiss me that nightmare."

"Did you really want me to kiss you in front of Cyrus?" He asks.

"It would've drove him nuts."

"Yeah, well Michael, Willow, and your grandkids were in here too. Michael's already barely not killing us for having sex, I don't feel like testing that."

"No one's here now."

"Is that your way of telling me to-" he gets cut off by the feeling of her kissing him.

They pull apart a few moments later, Carly having a satisfied smile on her face. "So, how long does this whole kissing me every time I have a nightmare thing last?"

"Until we decide to stop it," he answers simply, refusing to label whatever the hell is going on here. At least, none of that until she's more recovered from this, maybe when Cyrus is behind bars.

To be continued after I actually do school because fuck the education system

@ryleighjosephine i dont know what the song is sorry