#other person was an irl friend (never contacted them either

[pankomako]

sometimes i think about interactions boat and i have had and things he's said to/about me over the years and it makes me feel as though i must occupy some little space in his heart. like i live in his mind rent-free the way he does for me, although not nearly to the same extent lmao.

speak of the goddamn devil i just got a steam notification he's playing tf2

anyway i never thought i'd have that kind of effect on a person, much less my favorite content creator. but it sure appears to be that way, and idk. it makes me feel special. warms my heart n all that :)

#was one of two people to give me their phone number when i had to drop off of discord 2 years ago #never took advantage of it though (shy (also we have different brands of phones so texting probably wouldnt work right #other person was an irl friend (never contacted them either #i remember one time YEARS ago when he was wanting to read jjba on stream or smth like that #him: it's like REALLY not family friendly me: well i shouldnt watch bc i am a Child him: no its ok you dont have to skip It's very dirty th #like guy clearly just wanted me there bc he enjoys my company And he's said he does! i remember him saying he likes seeing me in chat #and once again he was the one that wanted me on the staff team when usually the staff pick new recruits and boat has final say #and apparently he's talked about me to his other friends. that's kinda where the old Time to Mod in-joke started #he was using voice to text to talk to whoever and said my username but the thing misinterpreted it #that coupled with the meme drawing i did that he edited so it's him just saying 'pain'. eventually that dumb fucking image spawned #and then there was the night he spammed it and spam mentioned me in chat when he was streaming while i was ASLEEP #once we were in a vc and he was like 'wow i'd forgotten what your voice sounded like' NEVER heard him say that to anyone else. What #dont even get me started with him and my artwork (man would probably flip tf out seeing what i can do now LOL) #guy literally wanted ME to design an official tff logo but at that point they were kinda slowing down so it never happened #but yeahno i just. ugh. our friendship means a lot to me. i am ITCHING to speak to him again you have no idea #and to just give him a big ol hug. been wanting that for such a long time #quite frankly a friendship dynamic like no other ive seen #dont mind me REMINISCING. im sooo sappy about him he's the most important guy in the world to me #if god exists he knew we'd be too powerful if we grew up together

[seonghwaddict]

music to my ears — choi san PART THREE OF LILO'S 600 FOLLOWER EVENT

requested by anon. “congrats on 600 lovely !! <3 fluff list 2: “you wouldn’t, uh, maybe, want to stay the night, would you? i just really don’t want today to end.” & smut list 4: ❛ i love that no one else has seen you like this, that no one else has felt you before, been inside you. they don't get to have you, but i do. ❜ with san would be 🫠🫠” lilo’s notes. thank you for the request anon!! i agree this is an absolutely amazing request and the prompts are just *chefs kiss*. that being said, i had to change them very slightly (like one or two words) just to fit the scenario a bit, i hope you don’t mind. <33

prompts. “you wouldn’t, uh, maybe, want to stay the night, would you? i just really don’t want today to end.” ; “i love that no one else has seen you like this, that no one else has felt you before, been inside you. they don't get to have you, but i do.” pairing. choi san x fem!reader

warnings. smut below the cut, minors please dni, soft dom!san, soft sex, body worship, fuckbuddy!san, minimal dirty talk, praise, p in v, unprotected sex (pls don’t do this irl), nicknames (baby, love), slight overstimulation, aftercare, a lot of softness. wc. 1.7k.

he was supposed to be a one night stand, a stranger you’d have some fun with and then forget about later.

what he was not supposed to be was a repeated cycle of waking up in his bed. but that’s exactly what san became. you weren’t exactly sure how to describe your relationship with him—friends with benefits? no, you didn’t really talk enough about your personal lives to consider him close to you in any other way than physical. fuck buddy? that was definitely more fitting, but something about it still felt off.

after the first night you spent together, you were intrigued, eager to find out everything he could do but had not yet shown you. so, before you left in the morning, you grabbed a pen and paper from his desk and wrote down your number and name (you couldn’t even remember his name so you doubted you ever gave him yours).

it didn’t take him too long to contact you. only a week later and you received a text message where he introduced himself. once you were reminded of who he was, you couldn’t suppress your excitement at the prospect of seeing him again. you were completely right about his intentions for it was only a few messages later that he threw in the information that he was stressed and could really use relief. you were happy to assist him.

your little adventures in his sheets quickly became something constant in your life, seeing him every couple days. soon enough you figured out you were both std free, so you let him go in without protection. the pleasure of it all never really left either of you with a desire to sleep with anyone else, since you didn’t have to worry about diseases or pregnancy (thanks to you being on the pill). and after the first night, you stopped leaving as soon as you woke up while he was still fast asleep, and with each encounter you’d find yourself staying just a bit longer each time. san was always very sweet, though his personality in bed was a bit unpredictable.

sometimes he was merciless, pounding into you at an ungodly speed while he whispered the filthiest things into your ear. other times, like now for instance, he’d be gentle, taking his time with your body, hands and lips ghosting over sensitive areas and mapping them out.

he already made you cum three times and by the time he finally entered you, you were quivering with overstimulation but still eager to continue. one of his hands had your wrists crossed and pinned over your head while the other trailed all over your body, gently teasing before he held your thighs together and bent them over your chest, his hips rolling against you sensually.

he knew your body well, knew what angles got your head spinning and what touches got your pussy gushing. occasionally he let out groans, but he was rarely too focused on his own release, keen on making sure you felt good. this particular position was a favourite of yours, it helped him reach inside you deeper and it increased the tightness around his cock, stimulating both of you in the most delicious way.

“you know,” his tone was soft, almost as if he were talking to you while reading a newspaper over breakfast and not fucking you. “you’re always so pretty for me.”

san leaned down and pressed featherlight kisses to the back of your calves, trailing them down to the back of your knees and causing a stampede of butterflies you forcefully swallowed. the pace of his thrusts was almost frustratingly slow, making you feel how his length filled you so thoroughly.

his hands grasped the back of your thighs and moved your legs carefully, to hook them around his waist. when he was fucking you like this, with this gentleness, he liked missionary. he liked it because it gave him a clear view of how your face contorted with the pleasure only he can provide you with. because he could lean down and kiss you and swallow all your moans.

“o-oh san…” you whimpered against his lips as he gave a sharp thrust different from all the other ones.

in response, he bit your lip and pulled it slightly before releasing it. san brushed his fingers over your cheekbone as he leaned his face back to watch the muscles of your face twitch and go slack. “hm, did you like that, baby? your sounds are like music to my ears. all your whimpers and moans, i never want to stop hearing them.”

you felt your nails digging into his biceps as he increased his pace just a bit, the contrast between his sudden roughness and the featherlight touches of his hands sliding up and down your glistening body making your head spin. he hummed, his eyes rich with all kinds of emotions as they surveyed the moaning mess you were.

“i love that no one else gets to see you like this.” he angled his hips a little differently so his whole cock dragged along your most sensitive spots. he reached one of his hands down to let his thumb circled your swollen, abused clit. “that no one else gets to feel you or be inside you. they don’t get to have you… but i do.”

something about the way he whispered those words so possessively. it sent your mind reeling and had your walls clenching around him tightly as another orgasm washed over you. your body shook and writhed beneath him, overwhelmed for a moment. you opened your mouth in a silent moan, but his hand moved to your chin to nudge it shut so he could finish with his own groans muffled against you.

a little after that, he pulled out of you, both of you shuddering as he collapsed on top of you with his head between your breasts. san’s hands traced from your shoulder to your hands, holding them as if they were delicate and could break at any second, his hazy mind calming down as he listened to your heartbeat and felt the rise and fall of your chest. when you squeezed his hands, he sat up slightly dropping your right hand to hold onto your left one with both of his. he brought it up to his face and kissed your palm.

you let him, watching him silently as your cheeks warmed with heat and your stomach stirred with something other than arousal. he placed heartfelt pecks against your palm before he moved his lips to press more pecks on the inside of your wrist and then up your arm, all the way until he got to your shoulder. there, he lifted his lips, but not for very long as he placed a kiss against the spot over your heart and then continued travelling upwards. his tender kisses littered your neck and cheek until, finally, he pressed a firm kiss to your lips.

you shivered and held him close, not quite processing how intimate all of this was. but soon enough, he got up from the bed and returned with a fresh pair of boxers on and a wet towel. he took ahold of your ankles and pulled you to the edge of the bed so your knees hang off it. spreading your knees apart, he kneeled on the ground, eye level with the area he intended to clean.

as he wiped away all the cum and arousal, you twitched every now and then, stinging from the slight overstimulation. whenever you flinched, he’d pull his hand back and glance up at you, not continuing until he saw your discomfort eased. occasionally he’d press his lips against the inside of your thighs and your kneecaps, mumbling sweet words against them.

“you did so well, just relax now, love.” “does this feel okay, it’s not too much, is it?”

once he was done, san took the panties he had haphazardly tossed away from the bed and slid them up your legs, patting your hips once he got them on you. figuring you’d be cold, he also grabbed a shirt from his closet, slipping his hand under your back to help you sit up (though you weren’t that exhausted, but who were you to complain?) and dressing you in the soft, grey material. 

when you woke up the next morning, you were facing each other, legs tangled under the sheets. he was already awake, absentmindedly tracing shapes on the skin of your waist under the shirt as he looked at you. there a warm smile spread itself onto his face when he noticed you were awake. his hand moved to the small of your back and drew you closer, holding you tightly and kissing your forehead.

briefly you considered asking what he saw you as. sure, after you slept together he’d usually be very affectionate. but something was different last night; the lingering kisses, the intimacy, the shockingly affectionate tenderness of his eyes. you pushed those thoughts away. there was no way he thought of you the way you thought of him.

still, a part of your soul couldn’t help but stay hopeful as he hesitantly uttered his next words.

“you wouldn’t, uh, maybe, want to stay for the rest of the day, would you? i just really don’t want this to end.”

you stopped yourself from cooing at his nervousness, nodding slowly. “i’d love to stay.”

“good.”

a beat of silence followed that, neither of you sure of what to say next. it was an awkward or uncomfortable silence, it was calm. the few rays of sunlight that got past his curtains provided the room with a soft glow, the pair of you engulfed by the warmth of the blanket.

he brought your hand up to his face and, much like the night before, pressed a kiss to your palm and then your wrist. the sensation left tingles on your skin and your breath hitched, something he took note of with a smirk.

“can i have my hand back yet?” you asked jokingly, your chuckle ringing through his ears.

“hmmm,” he nipped at your wrist, “no.”

[ networks . . . ] @cromernet @blankjournal

[ perm taglist . . . ] @ad0rechuu @sankatchu

#ꔫ — › 600 FOLLOWERS EVENT #cromernet #bj net #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez headcanons #yandere ateez #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez soft hours #ateez soft thoughts #ateez soft asks #san x reader #san imagines #san scenarios #san headcanons #san reactions #san fluff #san angst #san smut #ateez san #ateez smut #san hard hours #choi san

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

I suspect I know the answer but. AITA for "disappearing" from my online accounts pretty regularly?

I (22) have been fairly active in online fandom culture since I was ~13. Most of that has been on tumblr, some on twitter/tiktok/discord. I bounce around between different fandoms-- there's not really any one fandom that has stuck since I was a kid-- and I'm not a big creator. I don't do art, I occasionally write fanfic but never anything that's gotten super famous (which I'm cool with, I write for the enjoyment of myself and the like 5 other freaks who like the same things I do. it would honestly really bother me if I got too much attention.)

I also have some issues with paranoia and social detachment. I dealt with rather severe childhood abuse, which I'm not going to discuss, but which basically means I'm very emotionally detached. I have solo hobbies i really enjoy, and I like discussing common interests (like fandom stuff) with people, but I've never really had friends/romantic interests, and have zero interest in either of those things. The only people I'm really close to are my siblings. I'm definitely not an introvert, not shy/socially anxious, and not lonely. I have morals and care about society in a general sense, and I want the best for people, so I try to be polite and a Good Person as much as possible-- but ultimately I don't feel any kind of attachment to other people. I really don't want to hurt people, I just want to be left alone.

I really try to politely communicate this to people, since I've had quite a few incidents where I've been told I "lead people on", or people thinking we're friends and then getting upset when they realize I really don't care that much about them. It does make me feel bad to hurt others like that (and is also frustrating to deal with), but I can't exactly force myself to have emotions. I get along well with my irl coworkers/classmates/roommates, since they understand I just need a lot of space. Where I may be TA is with online friends.

About once every 6-12 months, I delete my entire online presence and start over. I orphan my ao3 fics, delete any and all accounts, and make sure my new accounts don't in any way link back to my old accounts. Usually when I do this it's because 1 I've changed interests and don't care about my old fandom, or 2 I feel like the people I know online start getting too close and emotionally attached to me. I usually post an explanation a few days before so people don't think something bad happened, saying that I'm going to be taking a break from social media for a while, and if anyone asks me for another way to contact me I just say I'm going to be completely offline. Then I just.... wipe everything and start over. I don't really know what my old mutuals are doing and don't particularly care? Like obviously I wish all the best for them, but I just don't think about them at all.

I've been doing this since I was a young teenager, but I was discussing fandom/social media presence with some irl classmates recently and brought it up. The reactions ranged from "weird but harmless" to "super mean and hurtful to the people you abandoned".

So: tumblr, AITA for disappearing?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[moonjxsung]

STAR IM DEVASTATED so i have a priv twt acc right w some irls and this stay from stayville req-ed me a long time ago and i was soooo happy that i was mutuals w someone from stayville and i THOUGHT everything between us was cool? but today they unfollowed me and removed me as a follower and im devastated i dunno why they did that :((( i don't think they had a problem w me saying nsfw stuff cuz they previously tweeted things like "cancelling someone over saying smth nsfw abt an adult is stupid" and also ive seen them interact w nsfw minsung posts so i dunno if me tweeting smth like "i wanna suck flxs cock sooooo bad" couldve made them wanna break the mutual??? i dmed them too and i was like "heyy is there a reason you don't wanna be moots w me anymore </3" and not even minutes later they turned off their message perms and im devastated. its STUPID bcs they'd barely interact w me Sure but it felt nice to have a stay be my friend on my priv twt that's usually just for my irls and i </3 it's ironic that they did that too bcs just earlier today (before they broke the mutual) i noticed that my followers went down (i have a very low amt already. like. 25. not even joking) and i tweeted "yall dont wanan be friends w me anymore </3" bcs like. my followers are QUITE LITERALLY only my irls + a skz writer so i was (i think rightfully??) alarmed that the number went down!!!! man im just Sad about it and SIIIGH i know i shouldnt care so much bcs at the end of the day they're just a person online but the least they could've done was dm me back and explain why and GHFSDDSJHFKJADDSDSAAAAA you get me!?!! also im sorry i dropped this on you randomly feel free to ignore LMAAOOAOAO can i be 💫 anon? thank yew <3

(Adding 💫 to the anon list!!! Also fun fact that’s my favorite emoji of all time. Slay)

I feel like I’m the LAST person who should be giving advice abt this bc one of my mutuals and a very good friend of mine who I’d been talking to every day randomly blocked me on everything this week after me literally being there to console this person for every little thing and playing into this pretend homoerotic friendship we had even though she was clearly looking for another boyfriend and would get mad if I even called another girl pretty (???) I wish nothing but the absolute best for her but like…. The double standard is WILD. to not provide closure to a months-long friendship is just genuinely a very mean spirited thing to do imo.

(If she’s reading this, best of luck with everything and I hope you know I cared for you a lot more than you think I did. I distanced myself because you were clearly looking for someone to fill a void in your life that I could simply not fulfill, and I didn’t want to lead you on, nor be kept around like I wasn’t allowed to talk to other girls either. Regardless, I hope you know I used to sleep with my phone on full volume in case you called, and I deleted a page worth of poetry in my notes app for you I meant to deliver on your birthday. I also deleted your number so I have zero way of contacting you, but I will always be here if you need me. Take care and I love you always, I hope you still see me when you look up at the moon)

It’s not the first time I’ve lost an internet friend to the magical world of blocking, but fortunately the attitude I’ve developed towards it is that none of this is real!!! These are people on the internet miles away you’ve never met irl and they have no real impact in your life whether they remain following you or not. I’ve lost internet friends nearly a decade ago that I don’t even remember anymore. Better ones will come along!!! Especially stays! This fandom has so many beautiful remarkable people who are actually worth following and they wouldn’t cut you off like that. Sending so many positive vibes your way and I KNOW that the universe will send you some better mutuals. In the meanwhile I will be your internet bestie and I would never unfollow you for nsfw content or without some form of an explanation. And I also want to suck Felix’s dick. 🩷🫶

(I love you, don’t be so hard on yourself!!!! You’re wonderful, angel 🩷 anyone would be lucky to be moots with you)

#💫 anon #ask

[tricksterlatte]

I saw someone on the bird website point out that just because people disagree with a fellow fan doesn't give them the right to bully or harass said fan, especially in such cruel ways (they were body shaming a well known Overwatch person because she shared a selfie, and the hate originated from her opinions on the character).

It's been driving me crazy how people somehow forgot you can disagree with someone's opinions without being an asshole. Why do we condemn bigotry or cruelty when it's directed at our friends, but hurl it out ourselves when opportunity arises to bash someone we dislike? It just makes me so sad.

This isn't about a specific situation but it's a problem i've noticed over the years. I have been both a perpetrator and a victim of this (if I said otherwise, I'd be a liar. I've been on the internet since I was 10 and have been active in multiple fandoms), but I don't want to contribute whatsoever to that type of environment anymore. We have to talk the talk and walk the walk with this one, or we will continue to be miserable. If you dislike something or someone, either communicate if this person is supposed to matter to you or vice versa, or just block them, mute them, unfollow them. Whichever suits your comfort level for whatever the situation may be. If you hate something or someone but still proceed to follow them, check their profile, and grab screenshots or QRTs to make fun of them, whether with petty jabs or actual bigotry and cruelty, you are not only making other people into targets. You are sending yourself into a spiral that will only harm you in the long run.

I know how addicting social media can be. I know how the instant gratuitous relief can feel when you vent about something within an echo chamber. And I don't think the answer is just don't vent, don't misconstrue my words. I think the answer is does this make you happy? I don't think this type of habit makes anyone happy. I know sometimes people change, and I really hope people can and do.

I don't say this as an accusation or to be mean myself, I say this as someone who suffered on my own end, not only from taking the brunt of harassment but also from indulging it on occasion. I used to be horrible about this type of fixation on things I hated within fandom during my prime days in my earliest tumblr fandoms, and I nearly fell into this trap again over the past few years. My irl situation was entering a state of despair, and during those times, without anyone trustworthy that shared these spaces with me and that knew me well in return, fandom felt like the one place where I had a semblance of control. That doesn't excuse belittling people. It never does. A reason is not justification.

It's a special type of hell, for example from my personal experience, to receive dozens of suibait anons about fanfic you published, whether it was from things I left blatantly tagged and easily avoidable, over my writing not being as good as others' within these spaces, or because people admitted they were envious of something outside of my control. Or people making fun of my cosplay photos or treating me as an object to be sexualized, no matter who they were or how they identified. I had old Retrospring anons sent that exploited my vulnerability regarding events only certain groups knew about, trying me during my worst of times. When I vaguely discussed them on other websites, without sharing things being said to protect myself and to not spread drama, I was largely told I was overreacting and to just delete them. Which I did, but they kept coming. I deleted anonymous ways of contacting me and closed off most forms of contact with fandoms other than a few long running places I've known for years (thank you WWD crew you guys are the GOAT). But even so. If I didn't have the person who is now my wife there for me at the right time, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Not everyone experiencing this type of thing has anyone there for them at all.

I have a tendency to ramble, so I'll summarize here: the only type of toxicity that will ever bring people joy is toxic yaoi, toxic yuri, Toxic by Britney Spears, and the Toxic TM from Pokemon. I want to get better myself, and I'm posting this because I hope for the best for anyone who read this. If you disagree with me for this, that's okay too. If you don't think this applies to you, it might not! I don't know you. None of us know each other, which I think should be further incentive to be kind, instead of ample opportunity to be mean. If you have the choice, strive to be kind over the escapism that brings us joy. For some of us, this will be the only kindness we may ever know.

#parker says things #this has been on my mind since the early 2020s but it's not the type of thread you can really post to the bird site #the character limit and the culture of ratios and QRTing for clout means this would hardly reach anyone #a majority of 2022 was one of the worst times of my life. I'm thankful I'm alive #I just hope for the best for everyone #things will get better but we also have to work to be better #and to be a bit more self aware #steeping in misery will only make the misery stronger and that took ages to realize for myself #long post #but yes pls don't misconstrue a specific origin for this post. It was about people harassing Mercy mains. Yes. That Mercy #my 2024 resolution is to be even kinder to people even if I dislike them #or especially if I dislike them. idk why them liking something I hate is relevant to them being a good or bad person #if I fall into that mindset I'm no better than the people who harass me or my friends either

[glitterock]

just so people get their facts straight also, i haven’t been friends with these people in over a year. they treated me terribly and i was in an extremely toxic unhealthy friendship i felt i couldn’t escape with them. we have been no contact luckily for a year now. of course i was not gonna talk about this on here bc it’s no one’s fucking business. but since people have made it their business to know details of my personal life, here’s the context.

i spent many months in emotional distress over these 2 people, crying and going to therapy over how i was treated by them, and i don’t want to have my former friendship w them brought up 👍 how i was treated and made to feel by them is still something i am upset about to this day and still effects me. you can assume whatever about me, but i want it to be known i have had nothing to do with these people for a long time

also yes i charge for my zine but i make $0 on it because all money goes to either charity or the contributors themselves.

also my friend is not a fucking terf or whatever y’all r saying. if you met her irl instead of trying to infer someone’s beliefs based on who they blindly reblog from and use ur brains for once you’d know that instantly. and as someone who is anti-terf and has had MANY conversations with her on this very topic, yeah im gonna vouch for her.

anyway it’s funny to me that none of the “evidence” for me being a terrible person is about any of my real life personal beliefs. i have lived with trans women, loved trans women, i am related to trans women, and i have never once shown anything other than love and respect for them and their place on our community. the people that know me personally and know me in the real world know that, so honestly what people on the internet who have never met me have to say is insignificant. Just wanted to clear that up!

#anyway #and being in a toxic friendship i couldn’t escape also makes me a terf ig #like of course call out people who are actively being terfs but this is nuts #just say you are looking for a reason to not like me #bc this is so opposite of everything i stand for it’s laughable #also the irony of the person calling me out getting my pronouns wrong is sending me

[leadendeath]

i don't want to reblog the post because my commentary is not relevant to the subject, so i didn't want to put this in said post's tags. also as i type it turned into a long...? something. vent maybe? i don't even know what to refer to it as. but i've seen a couple of posts recently that have really got me thinking.

as i'm writing this, they both just appeared on my dash. they are this one and this one. i'm definitely going to post this now (i have to) and not just save it in my drafts forever.

Having sex with friends sounds nice! I am pro-that! (pro meaning not anti) for me it would alleviate my fears of hooking up with those I just met or haven't known for years because friends are less likely to murder/kidnap you or give you a disease! (I do not want to die from sex lmao) the con: now they know what i look like and what bodily/physical problems i have that aren't visible to the general public. no. i can't have sex with my friends. my god. it all boils down to my body dysmorphia. literally the mortifying ordeal of it being known

So I think again, like I often do, about my place on the ace spectrum. I usually do not care for labels, don't find them necessary to apply to myself, but it's totally cool if other people have tons of different labels that they use. I am pro-that too! I myself am definitely grey-ace or demi-something. I landed on aegosexual- a disconnect between yourself and your sexual attraction- for a long time. I am never sexually or romantically attracted to somebody I don't know. Not even people on the screen. What if that hot (definition for this context: visually appealing) actor is a dick? Good looks garbage personality? At least you can do research on him. Not the case with "irl contacts" (definition: non-famous and real people who you might actually meet or know in person).

I know that I definitely experience sexual attraction, and want to have sex. Based on that I don't feel quite right calling myself asexual.

I don't LIKE that I feel too bad about experiencing sexual attraction to act on it. There's this weird feeling that's hard to place, but closest to "guilt", I'd say. Disgust with myself.

That time I was propositioned to go back to a con hotel (i turned him down and he listened and respected me and was nice, it's just i stopped myself), or that other time when making out and groping (different guy different occasion; we could've gone further but i stopped myself), or even just flirting and talking about our turn-ons and things we Like with my long-distance online sort-of bf that I had. I'm even hesitating to follow the "after dark" art accounts that I want to follow on bird site because of the guilt and almost embarassment I feel at myself (I'm fully aware that the only reason most people have locked accounts which you have to request to follow is to keep out minors and trolls btw, and i'm certainly neither of those!).

All of this is stuff I want and that's enjoyable to me, but this nagging "don't do that. you're gross. why would you say/do that? you're being weird. stop. stop. stop. you're not allowed to do these things." is always there in my mind. I don't want it to be there, and it's always there.

Now, this doesn't come from religious trauma, like "sex before marriage = wrong and bad"? "gay sex = ultimate evil"? Nah, I was never told those things. I didn't even have a very religious upbringing. These thoughts can't be explained away by any of that. Even my mom has always been like "you can have a girlfriend or a boyfriend! i don't mind as long as you're happy! :)" yknow having that nice accepting approach to that time when I was like 15 and settled on bi for "what i was" at the time. No judgement, no condemnation there either.

It's not real.

When I learned that I have ocd, suddenly I started to maybe have an explanation for these thoughts. Some people's obsessions focus on repetition or contamination. A good part of my obsessions focus on condemnation. I'm scared of it. I take "beating yourself up over something" to the next level. Just like any other person who's familiar with delusions, intrusive thoughts, etc will tell you: knowing it's not real doesn't make it any better. Doesn't make it stop. Doesn't make it go away.

When I could explain this detrimental thought process away by finding this horrible disorder to pin the blame on, I felt freer. I've thought many times throughout my mentally ill life about bringing up my (questioning)asexuality to a therapist one day, and I still will, even more so now. i felt before like I'd bring it up to them and not be able to back it up with any evidence, and just be brushed off? That's a stupid way to think, I know. And a therapist who would really do that is one you'd leave immediately. You don't need evidence to talk about how you feel, that's so silly... but that thought itself comes back around, in a vicious cycle, to my needing to justify myself because otherwise I am Wrong And Bad. jeez. what a way to think. i hate that. will be so glad when i get it under control after 25+ years.

edit: oh ya there's also this. my tags on one of the above posts i never reblogged, sat in my drafts.

my disability is inseparable from my sexuality, whatever it is.

#ocd #bdd #intrusive thoughts #demisexual #acespec #aegosexual #autochorissexual #that's a retired term i know so i won't use it again; but that's what it was called when i was younger #unusual for me to remember such a long word lol! it'd be harder for me now. /old #if anyone wants to say anything or tell me they relate- that'd be nice :) i'm purely just venting but sharing your thoughts is welcome #if you want to!

[nooks-cranny-mogai]

Here's Clover's advice for the day: block for any reason.

Break your DNI? Block

Make you even a little uncomfortable? Block

You disagree on something that, maybe your generally ok with disagreers, but they seem extreme or it comes up often? Block

Seem annoying? Block

Claims to be supportive/unsupportive of something but suspicious/reblogs dog whistles n shit? Block

Constantly dming you and you didn't sign up for that? Block

Doesn't respect your boundaries? Block

Not blank blog but has no views or anyway to tell if they break your DNI? Block

Mutuals with someone who breaks your DNI? Block

Constantly passive aggressive to others they dislike, even if it's not towards you? Block

Overly aggressive/violent towards those who are on both your dnis? Block

Immature to a degree that's just silently pissing you off? Block

Lies to you, even if it's innocuous? Block

Neutral on an issue that either has no moral neutral stance/shows compliance with serious issues/you feel strongly about it? Block

Have an extreme view of something you agree with but they support aspects you don't? Block

Seem chronically online and your not with that hyper vigilant crap? Block

Not getting your social signals that one or two dms/asks is not a contract for 6 to 10 to 50 a day? Block

They seem fine but their vibes are atrocious? Block

Wether you've been friends/mutuals for 6 days, 6 months or 6 years, you don't owe someone your space and content. Your blog is your space, you make it what it is, you decide what's on it. DNI violation and personal harassment is not the only valid reason to block someone. If you find yourself waiting and searching for a reason to block someone, just waiting for them to slip up again, just block them and be done with it. One small reason is reason enough. One suspicion is reason enough.

I've blocked people for supporting the same shit I have but being annoying or performative about it. I've blocked people cause I found one word on their whole blog thats only used by proshippers. I've blocked people for being part of a fandom I know is toxic and them showing signs of being on the toxic side. Any small reason is enough and you don't owe that person "the chance to change/prove themselves". Not on the Internet. This isnt a parent or long time irl friend, this could be a person you dm daily or a person who liked a single one of your posts.

I'm tired of the social expectation that I should have at least 3 reasons to be able to block someone or a clear violation of boundaries. If you have bad vibes, I don't have to let you prove yourself or interact with me or my content. Yeah, it's nice to have the reasons but you don't have to have them. This applies to even irl interactions. So much weird shit I've been argued with about on places like tiktok or twitter have been benefited from me just saying, quoting a popular post from here " your either not having this convo in good faith or your world view is so warped from reality that there are days worth of things you'd have to unlearn for us to understand each other. This is pointless so it is here we must part" and a swift block in the ass.

Yeah, socially it's nice to keep contact with that one ex-coworker who never seemed to understand you two aren't friends, just acquaintances but the reality is there is no actual reason to keep that contact. That doesn't excuse yelling at them or insulting them or anything but they aren't entitled to your time and attention. Your not friends, slowly but gracefully, cut them off. Online people are not any different. I don't owe you conversation or attention or anything other than basic human respect. I also owe myself respect and if your constantly disrespecting me, even if unintentionally, I have the right to enact the consequences and block.

Idk why this is so controversial? Is it the 'tism??

#clover speaks #clover rants #i never understood the issue with just blocking #i dont owe anyone the 10 minutes it takes to search someones blog for shit #like if ur suspect i have every right to block #if i see one post im not scrolling for counter eveidence this aint court #im auto blocking #and guess what? i never lost sleep over people i quote unquote blocked for no reason #btw this isnt a vague #the points are ones ive seen but not with anyone i currently interact with #old quote unquote friends and acquaintances #i try to be understanding if theres potentially mental delay involved its always nice to be nice bu5 #at some point you have a right to exist without any person in your personal life #its this cool thing called personal space and everyones entiteld to it #i dont have to correct everyone i come across whose a bigot and i dont have to concede to community standards because social shit #i ran into someone who said inmates dont derserve medical help and guess what? #the 140 characters tiktok lets you have cant unpack all thats wrogn with that statement #so i just said their morality issues are not the problems of others and everyone deserves healthcare and moved on #Sometimes that person just wants to piss you off and no matter your quote unquote progressive activist status #you dont have a moral obligation to fix people #theres no way to fix everyone and many people here are not academically qualified to talk on the issues they do #many of us are not actually activists. most of us just reblog shit and thats supposedly activism #which it isnt and neither really is the weird statement that existing as a trans/gay/etc person is activism #which has some merit but the reality is that it applies a philosophy to all trans people that simply isnt teue #there are plenty of anti-trans trans people and its a weird cop op used by alot of us as to why you dont volunteer or donate any money #all lip service and reblogs with emotionally charged tags over issues you dont face 🤬 #imma stop im old man ranting but still oml

[anthroparis]

ok so I made this list thinking about how I acted in high school (very edgy and a hater) and what my dynamic would've been like with each of these individual people at that time in my life. this has nothing to do with my opinion on the characters, simply whether I would've gotten along with them or not.

some of these stories are based on real things and some are made up based on vibes. not saying which ones tho

author's note: if I had to describe how I was in high school with one character, it would be john bender from the breakfast club. if you haven't seen the breakfast club, it's your responsibility to fix that because it's one of the best high school movies ever made.

additional note: I no longer identify with john bender. I was edgy and terrible in school because I had a tremendously bad home life with my mom and zero rules, so I just did whatever I wanted and I made a lot of bad choices and did a lot of bad things to other people that I do regret now. I am a morally gray female character.

individual explanations under the cut

Best Friend Tier

DUDcan: as much as I hate him as a character? we'd be real as fuck irl. he'd be the one to go to for alcohol and cigarettes and we'd do LSD for the first time in his dad's pickup truck in a church parking lot at 11 PM together. I'm not kidding either I can so crisply imagine being sixteen and talking about our bad relationship with our parents in his dingy cesspool bedroom while his family is out having a dinner he wasn't invited to. we would have a lot of "are we dating?" moments but truthfully we never really had feelings for each other beyond platonic. he was also an asshole to me and I was an asshole to him and that's just how the bond was. I had a lot of trouble with his girlfriends because I was the girl best friend who they saw as a "backup girlfriend" when that was never the case. I was never friends with his gfs, and the periods in which he dated them were times when I would hang out with other people.

Okay Friends Tier

DJ: he seems like the kind of person I SHOULD'VE hung out with more in school but didn't because I didn't want to be reminded that my behaviors weren't healthy. he still seems like someone who'd take a lot of pity on me and make an active effort to be kinder. the kind of person who'd let me stay the night at his house when I didn't want to be in mine. he'd have a bunch of pets which would be awesome and his mom(s) would let me stay in the very nice guest room that I would feel SO bad using (but they would insist, because the couch is too uncomfortable for sleeping) and they'd make me breakfast and tell me I was welcome back whenever I needed.

Leshawna: someone I wouldn't get along with at first but who, over the years, would become the only person I could talk to about certain things and not feel judged. similarly to DJ, I think she'd take a lot of pity on the things going on in my life. She would move to another school or city or something in junior year but we'd keep in contact and every few months one of us would reach out just to catch up and swap stories and advice on the things going on in our lives.

Cameron: I actually wouldn't remember how we met, we just kinda started hanging out one day and that was that. he figured out that I had the benefit of getting mean people to leave me alone (either by intimidating them or by being friends with them lol) and would stick to me. kind of like a younger sibling. he'd also figure out that I don't mind listening to people infodump about their interests and would take great liberties to talk to me about whatever he was thinking of. he comes off as someone who would have a lot of trouble making friends because of a lack of empathy and difficulty in casual social situations, which I understand. we probably wouldn't keep in touch after we graduated, but we'd remember each other.

Katie and Sadie: let's be real for a moment. they would both get SO bullied for being dumb and loud. but they would also be so nice and would likely be the only female friends I had who'd be nice to me and treat me like a girl. ykwim. they seem the type to like, I dunno try to bleach their hair at home and freak out when it turned orange instead of blonde and they'd call me super panicked cause they don't want to be ginger and their moms already told them they weren't allowed to bleach their hair until college and I'd have to come over and help them. and they'd teach me how to do makeup in a way I still do to this day.

Rock and Spud: probably some of duncan's friends who I'd befriend through association. not much to say other than they know a good dealer and are generally nice people. they'd give me music recs and I'd return the favor and then we'd talk about the songs the next day. one year they'd be the only people to remember my birthday and get me a bunch of CDs and tapes.

Ryan: sat with me in english class. really smart guy, super perceptive, and we'd talk a lot about themes and stuff and get really good grades together. wouldn't talk much outside of class.

Sam: I feel like he'd start off in the pity tier because I mean. he would get SUPER bullied. but also over time I think he'd generally just be a fun person to talk to. I'd hang out in his dad's garage and watch him and his friends play mario kart together.

Scott: AGAIN a character who I don't like a lot but who I'd definitely get along with. would be a "our parents knew each other before high school so we hang out when there's no one else" situation. he would let me drive his pickup even though I don't have a license because he doesn't believe in the DMV. and we'd drive out to his family farm and wander into the corn fields and find weird bugs and stuff and talk about life. he'd steal his dad's cigars and we'd smoke them under that One Tree. I don't know how many of you have actually been on a family farm but there's always that one tree with the rotting car skeleton under it. we'd sit in that car and smoke and talk about bullshit for hours.

Civil Out of Pity Tier

Beth: sat across from me in science class. SUPER sweet, even though I'm pretty sure I made her aa little uncomfortable. would constantly talk about her boy band crushes and going to the formal in a new dress her mom sewed just for her and I'd nod along cause I really wouldn't have anything to say back but I had no reason to be rude. she'd have a lot of friends who I think were even more scared of me but I didn't bother with them anyway.

Ella: remember that one girl from the breakfast club who's label was "the basket case" and who everyone regarded as being crazy? yeah that's her. people would be nice to her face and then make fun of her behind her back in a way that'd bother me so much I'd go out of my way to be nicer to her. fight back against the system rahhh

Leonard + Tammy: DND kids before DND was cool. relentlessly bullied. I think both of them would have wicked drawing skills for their characters, though, and we'd have a few good conversations about folklore because I love that shit and all of my other friends would pick on me for it.

Jay + Mickey: were clearly trying to fly under the radar. first day of freshman year the homeroom teacher would announce to everyone that they both have life threatening allergies and carry epi pens, so if they had a reaction everyone would know what to do. and this would be super humiliating for both of them and I'd take pity for that alone. they're literally just trying to be normal.

Mike: one of those kids who'd be INSANELY nice to compensate for his visible mental illness. would get relentlessly picked on by teachers for having issues with memory and acting out sometimes, both of which I also experience cause I too had an undiagnosed dissociative disorder. I'd so badly want to be like "hey, man, I get it" but I wouldn't get too close just cause I felt like it wasn't my place. I'd try to be nice at least.

Nothing Against Them Tier:

Owen: we would get partnered for an english project and actually have a pretty good time making it, and then on the day of the presentation he'd fake being sick so I'd have to present it alone. I wouldn't hold it against him tho.

Tyler: our only interactions would be him asking me to explain assignments cause he sat behind me in auto or something and didn't understand what the teacher said, ever.

Crimson + Ennui: surprising even me, I just can't imagine myself being buddy-buddy with these guys. I think they had their own loner thing going on in a much more passive way than I did, and we didn't mess with each other out of a shared understanding, but we never really talked, either.

Something Against Them Tier:

Amy: she would intimidate me and I would steer VERY clear of her to avoid conflict. looking back on high school, I would later find that she probably didn't even notice my existence.

Anne Maria: would make fun of me but I wouldn't want to start shit with her because everyone already disliked her anyway and I was pretty sure she could hand me my ass on a platter if she wanted to.

Brick: army guy. immediate grounds for conflict with me. but I think we'd have a discussion where I'd say that I think veterans need better accommodations because like every man in my family has been enlisted in the military and he'd respect me so much for that we wouldn't ever argue again. then four years after graduation Leshawna would be like "oh brick? yeah he turned out to be gay and he's a designer now" and I'd be like oh great so all of that was for nothing.

Bridgette + Geoff + Brody: it'd be 113 degrees outside and they STILL wouldn't wear deodorant

Kitty: too happy. I'd find that suspicious.

Lindsay: being dumb doesn't excuse all the passive-aggressive bullying she would do. I wouldn't be mean back because I don't think she even realized she was being a dick but I would eat up her downfall after Heather decided they couldn't be friends anymore.

Sammy: we would have one single conversation in which it would become apparent to me that what she needs is a person who can constantly reassure her, be there for her, and serve as an emotionally stable figure of authority. that person would NOT be me.

Sanders: rules enjoyer. "erm don't we have homework due today" right before the end of class type chick. would get me in trouble for skipping.

Staci: I didn't like talking to people. personal hell world nightmare.

Would Sit Behind Me in Math Class and Try to Smell My Hair Tier

self explanatory

Mutual Dislike

Noah: I was not good at academics in school and he seems like someone who would latch on to that and take every opportunity to talk down to me and treat me like a pet until dudcan and I beat him up one day after school. fuck you noah.

Alejandro: popular. he would've been secretly in love with me for several years of high school tho. like whatever Juno (2007) said about attractive popular guys being really into weird scary chicks.

Gwen: we would have had beef one way or the other. I have no other notes we just would've.

Carrie: one of those girls who made her first boyfriend her entire personality. we would've been paired up in math class or something and she would've spent the entire project talking about devin until she realized I was ignoring her and didn't care. and then she never would've talked to me again.

Dakota: popular. idc how nice she actually was, every time I saw a rich skinny blonde girl in high school my kill instinct was activated.

Dawn: I laughed in her face when she asked me what my spirit animal was.

Devin: I can't actually explain this one but he seems like someone who would traumadump on literally anyone who started a conversation with him. I'd be trying to talk about the discussion question in english class and he'd be like "it's just so hard to think about school since my grandma died and my girlfriend dumped me and my dog left me for a better owner 🥺" and teenage me couldn't do empathy so I'd be like "okay."

Ellody + Mary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIarrG9ZO4I

The Vegans (I can't remember their names): I actually shouldn't have to explain this one. I'm vegetarian and even I would've found them insufferable.

MacArthur: she would have a sense of humor that I didn't find funny so every time she would crack a joke and I'd stare blankly back she'd feel insecure and proceed to compensate for it by making fun of me for the next half an hour.

Tom + Jen: they would passive-aggressively make fun of me for dressing weird and I'd tell them I could go into Hobby Lobby and see eighty christian moms who were dressed just like them. then they would just talk behind my back

Topher: he was either extremely repressed or just plain metrosexual but either way he had something against lesbians and would call me a dyke* because I cut my hair short.

*tumblr weirdos please be advised that I can reclaim this

Mutual RESPECT Tier:

Eva: IRL I actually had a surprising amount of friends in high school who were gym rats. probably because I also was kind of a jock. but yes Eva would see me once at the dojo and all of a sudden we would start nodding at each other while passing each other in the halls.

Harold: sat next to me in French class. the teacher would hate him for his autistic swag because he would interrupt constantly to correct them when they said something wrong. I would find that hilarious because I fucking HATED like 90% of the teachers in hs (again. bad at academics) and would back him when the teacher tried to get him in trouble.

B: he's smart but not in an obnoxious way. he has the vibes of someone who I'd know before school because our parents are friends or something and we never quite got along but I know he'd have my back if it came down to that

Sierra: okay listen to me. we wouldn't be friends but I don't think she would be scared of me either so any time we were in close proximity she'd talk my ear off about dan and phil or whatever the fuck and I'd just take it because trying to get her to shut up would be literally impossible. I would be aware of the fact that she wrote rpf on wattpad but I strongly believed in minding my own business so I wouldn't say anything unless I was directly asked about it. and then she'd ignore me and keep talking.

Jo: same thing as Eva except I think she'd talk to me more.

Sky: same thing as Eva but she'd somehow talk to me even less.

Stephanie: you will notice that there's a lot of hated characters in the mutual respect tier. this is because people did not like me in high school and I found it easier to hang out with all the other kind of terrible people than to try to fit in.

Sugar: see above

Lightning: he would be okay with me by association through Jo

Physical Violence Tier:

heather and taylor both come off as people who talk a lot of shit to and about other girls because they don't expect them to really do anything about it. but I used to beat up the girls who were mean to me in high school. then they'd never bother me again!* lalalalala

*please let it show on the record that I do not condone violence unless it's absolutely necessary

Extreme Mutual Hatred Tier:

Courtney: class council president, founder and president of the environmental coalition, does 8 hours of volunteer work every weekend, class valedictorian, 4.00 GPA, overly pretentious and smug. kind of the same thing with noah but worse because she's not just being sarcastic, she's dead serious about thinking she's better than everyone else. we would get into a mutual physical fight at one point or another.

Emma: kind of the same thing as courtney except those two would have an academic rivalry and it would be hilarious to watch from the outside. would tire herself to death with AP classes and dual enrollment just to go to state, which I also got into. I would find that very satisfying.

Jacques + Josee: would call me fat and I'd call their "sport" an insult to actual skaters. one of the few battles I'd willingly pick with other athletes because I know for a fact that Eva and Jo would hate them too and would back me if things got messy.

Scarlett: same thing as emma and courtney but one time in computer science I saw her using the 3D modeler to construct her own original saw traps and I steered clear of her after that. I'm pretty sure she wanted to commit acts of violence against the other smart girls

Never Spoke To Tier:

Ezekiel: homeschooled

Izzy: for some reason I just cannot imagine talking to her. like I'd know who she was when someone brought her up but otherwise? I just cannot imagine one single conversation

Trent: duncan and I would make fun of him for playing his guitar in his car in the whole foods parking lot after school

Beardo: doesn't speak

Chet and the other one who's name I can't remember: I think the fact that I don't even really remember their names says enough

Justin: popular and probably wouldn't even notice my existence, and I'd like it that way

Max: I would NEVER remember who he is sorry. he also comes off as someone who'd be really hard to have a conversation with

Jasmine: foreign exchange student who I really wouldn't care enough about to try to talk to.

Shawn: EXTREMELY anti-social, wouldn't talk to anyone

I Don't Want to Talk About it Tier:

we both noticeably liked each other at the same time for several years and never did anything about it because I don't pursue people and he was too scared to approach me

Toxic Friendship Tier:

okay I like zoey as much as the next guy but you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me she wouldn't be the worst possible person to be friends with. she seems like someone who'd get mad at something I said and then instead of addressing it with me, start acting really passive-aggressive and expect me to just KNOW what I did. she'd literally make me beg to find out why she's mad and then refuse to tell me because I should "know". would get upset over the fact that I don't respond to her PMs fast enough and either be extremely clingy or give me the silent treatment as a punishment. would take everything I did that even mildly upset her as a personal attack. would get jealous over the other people I hung out with and then when we all spent time together, she'd just act really rude and uptight. once slapped me "as a joke" and then tried to laugh it off when I gave her that Look. begged me to take her to a frat party when we were underage and then left me there to take an ecstasy tablet in some college guy's car so I had to call duncan to pick me up and he made fun of me while driving home. didn't know how to handle her alcohol so I had to drive her home in her own car every. single. time. sent me songs to listen to and then I had to pretend I liked them or she'd get sad. would have occasional breakdowns where she admitted she knew that she was being terrible to me and then nothing would change. all while I sat there like :| okay zoey. YES I HAVE KNOW PEOPLE LIKE THIS IRL BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING. THEY SUCK. I LIKE ZOEY AS A CHARACTER. BUT THESE GIRLS WILL KILL YOU AND SELL YOUR INTESTINES TO AFFORD MORE SMITHS RECORDS.

[the-avaricious-meddler]

Hi! this is kinda a broad question but i am just getting back into fl after years away from it and i was wondering if you have any tips for early game players, especially wrt fun character building? i feel like the game suggests a strong path with making your name and I am struggling to figure out when i should make 'in character' decisions vs. following this kinda tutorial vibe of early game. are you expected to do all four MYN or do people focus on just the ones that make the most sense for your character?

i thought i'd ask you bc you have some really cool fleshed out characters but if you know of other blogs that have more early game tips and stuff i would really appreciate it. i am also a little unsure about the social aspect of the game, is that for interacting with friends from real life who also play or do people contact random people through the game?

i love your blog and hope you are having a delicious day

Putting this under a readmore since I wrote a lot more than I thought I would-

MYN storylines are good for early game stat gains, but they can be rather tedious and are by no means a strict requirement (I myself have never fully completed every single one). MYN storylines do, however, permanently open up certain areas- some of which can be accessed through other means (wolfstack docks, the flit), some which can't/can't without fate (the shuttered palace, mahogany hall, the foreign office, the university, the labyrinth of tigers, etc.) which are required for ambitions or later game content.

Personally, I do whatever storylines are most beneficial for my current gameplay, but pick and choose as to what I actually consider canon to my characters.

-Wolfstack docks is unlocked via the Dangerous MYN, but I believe you can buy your way in with items. The Labyrinth of Tigers is unlocked at the end of the MYN, but the only way to gain permanent acccess outside of the storyline is via spending Fate, and most of the things you can do there are unlocked via MYN. Out of all of them, at least in my opinion, Dangerous is the most worth doing. It's also one of the least annoying. It also later opens up dock brawling, which is good for getting certain hard-to-get items.

-The Flit is unlocked via the Shadowy MYN, but can be unlocked via a skill check (albeit an annoying one). Mahogany Hall is unlocked via either the Shadowy or Persuasive MYN, and I believe there IS an option to gain access via fate? Don't quote me on that. Mahogany Hall is a good place to have unlocked, as it's required for a certain storyline that can get you useful items.

-The Forgotten Quarter is unlocked via the Watchful MYN, but you can buy in with items. The University is, again, only otherwise unlockable via Fate, and similarly to the Labyrinth, most options are locked until you reach a certain point in the MYN. Depending on your actions in the storyline, you may also temporarily be kicked out of the University. The university is required for some later game content, such as getting your own laboratory. The Watchful Storyline also grants you the trait "Scholar of The Correspondence", which is necessary for some ambitions.

-Writing a Short story is unlocked via the Persuasive MYN. The shuttered palace is as well, though you can buy in via fate, as is The Empress's court, which has no other way in. Completing the Persuasive MYN grants access to the foreign office, which also has no other means of entry. And as stated before, it is one of the two ways to gain access to Mahogany Hall.

As for social actions, it's hard to contact random people, as you need access to someone's profile to add them as a contact- but it's not required you know them IRL either, as plenty of people online have linked their profiles to add them. I myself don't know anyone IRL who also plays, all my contacts are from online.

Once you have someone added as a contact, you can send them a calling card through your social engagements (shown below), and they can choose to accept or deny to become an Aquaintance.

Some social actions only require you have them as a contact, others require you be acquainted.

[lacetop]

ooooh :0 may we hear more about this eye kink?

presented under a readmore for cw gore, body horror, terrible things happening to eyes

eyes are hot

& less in a lost staring into the beautiful eyes of your lover way (although intense, intimate eye contact does have appeal), more in a way of: delicate. fragile. soft. vulnerable. intricate. fascinating organ. did i mention delicate. did you ever dissect an eye in biology class? shit's wild in there. contact lenses aside, most people have a visceral revulsion to getting up close and personal with eyes -- and so much of kink is about getting off on the grotesque.

the nasty

consider the overlap of monsterfucking with the appeal of eyes. consider all the weird and beautiful eyes out there in nature, then consider puttting weird and beautiful eyes on fantastical babes. really big eyes. lots and lots and lots of eyes. eyes in weird places. weird pupils, weird irises. consider kissing those eyes tenderly.

malevolent: john/arthur, affectionately getting freaky about eye kissing

the nastier

remember how i stressed delicate, earlier

i've always loved horror stories, and many horror stories lean on our visceral feelings about eyes and the terrible things that can happen to them.

i don't remember any little mermaid-esque accidental-kink media, but the first media i read that made me say 'aw fuck i am into this, aren't i' is a magnus archive fanfic (of course, right? of course):

Was he more careful with removing Jonah’s eyes? That would only be natural, Jon reasoned, easing the first out of its socket. Jonah in his original body was so frail. And Jon needed these fully intact, after all. He held Jonah’s grey eye in his palm and wondered if he was still seeing, even now. Despite Jon closing them for him, Jonah’s eye was almost dry against his skin. Bloodshot from its unending vigil. It didn’t seem right. Something tugged at the back of his mind. Instinct? From himself, or from the Eye? Jon couldn’t tell anymore, and maybe he never had. Maybe there was no difference between the two at all. Either way, he was past denying the urges that guided him. Jon brought Elias’ eye to his mouth. He parted his lips and imagined that his breath fogged over its surface like over glass. Tentatively, he allowed his tongue to slip out, stroking it against the smooth orb. There wasn’t much of a taste, really. A bit salty. He kept searching it out, mindlessly almost, lapping at the eye between his fingers. Following the curve around its circumference, back to the tangle of vessel and nerve that he took care not to disturb. The eye was stickily damp by the time Jon was pulling James’ eyelids back again. Slotting Elias’ eye into place in that empty, yawning space. Then, he waited again. Watching. There were more theatrics this time. For all that Jon knew, all that he had learned of what Jonah Magnus had done to survive, he had never seen it happen. Not to another person, at least, rather than an empty vessel awaiting Jonah’s return.

i've written a bit of sexy eye trauma, myself, which i'm astonished to find that other people have enjoyed (even if despite themselves)

fallen london: in which a friend dunked their very chewable oc fellian into the river for my tentaclesona to snack on

malevolent: arthur/kayne, not the first pair of eyes arthur's put out but definitely the 'victim' having the most fun

& no spoilers for malevolent ch. 40, but this podcast is the gift that keeps on giving regarding horrible terrible sexy eye crimes. there is more enucleation porn to be written.

in irl play

maybe if somebody gently pressed their fingers on your eyelids, feeling your eyes roll and give slightly beneath their lids, it would be really hot. maybe if they kissed your eyelids it would be hot. maybe if they took that thin, delicate skin between their teeth it would be hot. maybe if they dug the tip of their tongue into the corner of your eye to taste your tear duct it would be really fucking hot. maybe you'd have a nice orgasm about it.

tl;dr

that's a lovely, very delicate organ you've got there. what if something bad happened to it?

#asks #anonymous #eye kink #eye trauma cw #gore cw

[ace-sher-bi-john]

Me, feeling lonely: I should try to make more friends

My brain: Here's a list of all the reasons why we don't do that,

I experience hyperfixations which take up all of my mental energy to the point where I barely have enough energy to take care of myself. I can't handle having more than two obsessions at a time, and even that is draining. When my friends talk about their obsessions, I try really hard to listen, but lose interest quickly if it's not my current hyperfixation. In turn, I love to infodump and obsess over small details in my hyperfixations. I try really hard not to do this when talking to people because it feels very self-centered. Like they would care about hearing every single detail about my obsession, with no room for them to talk about their interests...

I'm an introvert and find human interaction exhausting unless that person is my mom (who I could literally talk to all day and never be tired, and she in turn would never tire of talking to me). Even talking to friends online is super exhausting and I overthink everything I say, which is even more exhausting

I have zero ability to gage how close I am to someone. I don't want to make things awkward by being super clingy, because several friendships failed throughout my life due to me being clingy and only wanting to play with one specific person even if they didn't feel like playing with me. So I've overcorrected and now I don't make any attempts to progress in our friendship out of fear of appearing clingy. I'm either the most clingy friend or the most distant friend. Friendships require a healthy balance of both and I am incapable of that, so I go for the option that will be seen as the least annoying/selfish and we remain at best really good acquaintances

My interests are very specific and change every couple of months. Even if I found someone who was obsessed with the same thing at the same time, as well as my more niche hobbies, the friendship would last as long as my hyperfixation. Once we no longer share common interests, I would inevitably talk to them less and less until one day, we're no longer friends. My brain would no longer find that person interesting and I would forget about them

I believe that I have it in me to be a really good friend. To get it right. But it would be at the cost of myself. I would try to make enough room in my brain for everyone else's lives and I wouldn't have any interests of my own. I would constantly be exhausted.

So instead I choose the option that sometimes makes me happiest, but other times leaves me sad and lonely wondering why I can't just be better at being a good friend?

I do have friends IRL. I have four people who I would consider to be close friends, possibly even best friends? Two of them have given me the label of being their best friend. But I don't talk to them as often as I probably should. I talk to one of them almost daily for hours at a time, because they just so happen to be obsessed with BBC Sherlock, the MCU and cosplay. But I fear that the second my BBC Sherlock obsession ends, I will stop talking to them.

Outside of those people, I don't know where I stand with anyone who's not family. I have my old classmates from high school. Some of them I talked to every day and had friendly interactions with, but I don't make any effort to stay in contact with them now and didn't feel much of a connection with when we were in school. I have my co-workers who I don't feel much of a connection to, but they're always happy to see me and sometimes interact with me in a way that makes me feel like we're friends. One of my co-workers hugged me before she went home on the day before she started her holiday break because she was going to miss seeing me everyday while she was off. That caught me off guard. I guess we're friends if she felt close enough to me to hug me?

Apologies for the rant. I just really needed to put that somewhere. I won't make a habit of this.

#basically i know im not a good friend #i also know what i need to do to fix that #but it would hurt my mental health to stop doing what makes me happy #infodumping about my obsessions makes me happy #infodumping with people who share my obsessions makes me happier #but listening to other people talk about their obsessions which i don't share is boring #that's selfish of me i know #but i can't just fix that about me #rant

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not believing my friends new boyfriends "backstory"

I 20(F) am very close friends with a girl (20F) who we will call Alex. Alex recently got out of a really bad relationship with someone our age, and jumped very quickly into a new relationship with a man 14 years older than her, who we will call Ben. Alex and Ben are in the same community college class, and have known each other for 2 years as friends.

I have never actually met Ben. I am at a college several hours away and Alex is one of those people who like to keep friends she's made in different parts of her life separate from each other, like school friends all know each other but don't mix with collage friends, who don't mix with work friends etc. She says it's an autism thing but idk. She doesn't do this this romantic partners tho, she introduces them to all her friends and she's keen for me and Ben to meet now.

Recently, Alex has been telling me more about Ben, all the normal relationship stuff you'll tell your friends. He seems to be a lot better than her previous partner, but the bar is in hell, so it's not difficult to be a better partner (or person) than the previous guy. But idk a lot of the stories about his life she's told sound very far fetched? Like not impossible but more likely to happen in a soap opera than real life, you know?

The story that pushed me over the edge into complete scepticism was that apparently Ben had been online dating someone for several years who died unexpectedly, and their mother took over their computer after their death and pretended to be them for over a year until the mother died and lawyers involved in her will contacted Ben, and the mothers plot was revealed.

Now... that might not be impossible, but I'm smelling bullshit. When i have online dated before, we've spoken on voice chats, and on facetime, via Snapchats etc - did none of that happen for over a year? No new photos in over a year? Was this mother faking to all their mutual friends - some of which were IRL apparently- too or were they all in on it? Also, who is this mother who can perfectly copy her child's texting style, so much so that their long term partner didn't see a change? I know my mother and I text very differently, and the evil mother in this story was have been in her late 50s at the time, so I highly doubt that she and her mid-twenties child just so happened to text exactly the same way. Alex says Ben is rly into memes and meme culture too, and I really really doubt that a late 50s mother - grieving mother no less - is just going to instantly understand meme culture to the point where he wouldn't notice that his "partner" was behaving differently. Also, a lawyer is not going to an Internet boyfriend first when dealing with wills. They just arent. The whole thing sounds either fake, extremely exaggerated.

Alex did not take it well when I (gently) tried to point out the weird bits in this story. She got very defensive and claimed I was judging Ben just based on his age and looking for something to be upset about, and that I'm disrespecting his trauma by being sceptical. She said that because I've never met him I'm projecting bad vibes towards him based on my own assumptions. Idk maybe she's right and I'm being unkind AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[tim-official]

ive been in a lot of friend groups irl full of various forms of lgbts and I've never met someone who was a terf. even in groups where nobody was openly trans, or even around people who were not terribly well-informed on trans issues, never actually come into contact with the kind of person who makes that shit their entire personality - or at least nobody who admitted to it. Even in groups where I'm the only one who's openly anything other than cishet! which says something to me about either 1) how in a big relatively progressive city they don't feel like their rancid beliefs are acceptable in wider society or 2) there aren't that many of them that actually go outside that much lmao

#disclaimer: i do not live in England where things are probably much worse

[memryse]

i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #memos

[girlscience]

AND ANOTHER THING! I will think up a fictional relationship to fit in some fantasy world and it will be like fantasy idealized self insert me and some guy and it'll be nice and good. but then there will be zero physical intimacy OR for a fun kicker, I will become the guy while doing physically intimate things with my fantasy self insert. which is a trip and a half I'll tell you that. And I've been doing it since I was a pretty young person. And also I think, sure! I like fictional men and if I just found a man like them irl I would date them. But they do have irl counter parts in either their actors (if in live action) or in cosplayers! And I can genuinely say I have never once found a character's actor attractive if it was a man, women on the other hand, all their actors are stunning and I find them attractive all the time. And then cosplayers, every single woman who has ever cosplayed any fictional man I like is so fucking sexy. I don't know what it is about that but it just does something to my brain sorry not sorry... but I will see the exact same characters cosplayed by men and go mmmm ehhhhh you don't look right.

But I don't think men are ugly or gross or whatever (at least not all of them... i am so sorry men but a lot of you are just extremely bland... like um bread. and nearly all women are just overwhelmingly attractive). and I have had or have real close relationships with men and have emotional connections with them so like why couldn't i date them? cause i don't really understand what the difference is between being friends and being in a relationship (outside of sex but then you can have sex with your friends and that just makes everything MORE confusing). but also for some reason my brain is just like No. No dating men.

which all makes me think ah yea lesbian. but i had a crush on a guy. and if i'm aromantic then the romance part doesn't fucking matter to begin with!!! *flips table* because then i wouldn't want to date women either! and like there's a lot of relationship stuff i do not want at all, but sometimes i think some of it might be okay but also it's scary and anxiety inducing, but i don't know if that's cause i'm aro or because i've never been in a relationship and have been told my whole life gay relationships are evil OR if it's just because i don't like things like eye contact and most forms of physical touch!!! AAAAAAAAAA

you guys see my fucking dilemma right???? how am i supposed to figure this shit out!!! and some people will say "go see a therapist about this" (you know who you are lol) BUT therapists aren't supposed to tell you "here is what you are" unless it's a mental health diagnosis, right? they are supposed to help you and give you the tools to figure this out on your own, but if I WAS going to figure it out I would goddamn think I would have after nearly 25 fucking years of life and thinking about this problem EVERY GODDAMN DAY SINCE I WAS 11!!!!!!!

#i am actually getting super worked up about this right now. #like i sort of feel like crying #i just want it to fucking stop #i want it to be done and over. not even so i can like be a part of a community or anything #but just to have this stress and confusion out of my life #and i am so jealous of like my sister or some of my friends or people online or whatever #who can just go 'yeah i'm [insert thing]' and be done with it! #like they don't worry about it or stress about it! it's a non issue to them! (outside of irl issues some of those identities may cause) #like they know who they are through all of their body and i envy that so much #because i don't and i never have and i am so tired of it