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hailsatanacab · 5 months

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Family Dinners - dpxdc

"Holy shit, you're Bruce Wayne!" Danny gaped, jabbing a finger at the man sitting at the head of the table.

The bustling dining room goes silent as everyone turns to look at him.

"Danny, who did you think was going to be here?" Tim asks, disbelief plain in his voice and Danny feels his face flush red.

"Sorry, I, uh, I guess I just never put it together. Tim Drake-Wayne. Wayne Manor. It, uh, makes sense now." He laughs sheepishly and scrubs at his neck before slumping back down into his chair.

"Well," Tim says with an indulgent sigh, "at least I know you're not just friends with me for my connections."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry, I just never thought about it, I guess."

Danny sinks lower as everyone around him laughs. Come to dinner, he said, the food is the best, he said, ignore the family, he said. Danny really wishes he'd listened to Tim and just ignored them—almost as much as he's regretting accepting the offer in the first place—but... he's having dinner with Batman.

Ancients, that's so weird!

The last time he saw Batman was in the future and, suffice it to say, it was not going well. There hadn't really been time for family dinners there.

Wait. Family dinners?

He peers around the table, openly gawking at everyone as it all clicks into place.

"Everything alright, Danny? Now realising who everyone else is?" Tim asks with a roll of his eyes.

"Uh... something like that..." Danny mumbles as everyone laughs again.

From further down the table, the smallest Wayne scoffs and clicks his tongue.

"I thought you said he was smart, Drake?"

"So, you all do it, too, then?" he asks, ignoring the jibe. Danny's only a little bit jealous as he thinks of how much easier they must have it, how much easier it'd be if his family had been on his side, too. "You all work together?"

"Nah," Dick says from across the table with a brilliant grin. "Tim's the only one that works with Bruce, we all have different jobs. I'm a police officer in Bludhaven."

"Disgusting." Danny blurts out without thinking—because seriously, what kind of self-respecting vigilante would also be a police officer?—before clapping a hand over his mouth. "Sorry."

The whole table laughs again, the loudest being the blonde girl a few spaces down from Dick. Look, Danny wasn't really paying attention to names when they were all paraded in front of him. Dick only gets remembered because his name is a joke.

Come on, Danny, recover!

"That's, uh, not what I meant, though."

"Oh?" Dick asks, cocking his head slightly to the side. Is it Danny's imagination or does his smile tense slightly?

"Yeah, I mean like, you know, in costume. It must make it so much easier to have everyone together like this."

"Costume? What do you mean?"

Yeah, Danny's not imagining it, everyone tenses up at that. It's really only now that he's realising that this probably isn't how he should bring up that he knows about their... night time activities. In fact, he probably shouldn't be bringing it up at all.

"Uuhhh..." Danny looks wildly around the table as he continues making his stupid noise. Think, think, think! There must be a way out of this!

"Danny?" Tim asks, looking concerned.

"Oh, Ancients, this isn't how I wanted it to go at all," he mutters, slipping even further into his chair. He's almost on the floor now and he so, so wishes it could just swallow him up.

His real first meeting with Batman was meant to be cool! He had planned to be Phantom, maybe save them from a tight spot, prove his worth as a mysterious and powerful ally as thanks for the help Batman gave him in the future.

"Danny, what are you talking about?" Tim starts tugging on his sleeve in an attempt to pull him back up from his pit of despair.

Eventually, Danny relents and sits up straighter, hiding his face in his hands and whining all the while.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't expect him to be here and it threw me off so now I look stupid and it's so embarrassing!" he wails, flailing his arms wide. "Why wouldn't you warn me that Batman was your adopted dad, Tim? Couldn't you have let me know?"

"I'm sorry, what? Danny are you alright? There's no way Bruce can be Batman, look at him!"

"Yeah," the blonde girl laughs from the bottom of the table, "look at him! That's a wet noodle of a man! Batman can actually do things, B is incapable of pretty much everything."

"Thank you, Stephanie," Bruce sighs, massaging his forehead.

It's... Those are the first words Danny's heard Batman say since everything went down and it's enough to knock him out of his embarrassment.

It's really good to hear his voice again. Especially now, when it's strong and healthy and full of personality—even if that personality is little more than a tired father right now—far better than how it had been, at the end.

Danny sits up, back straight, and grins. He's got this. He remembers it perfectly. Some people count sheep to fall asleep, Danny repeats his mantra to be certain that he'll never forget it.

"Gamma alpha upsilon tau iota mu epsilon, 42, 63, 28, 1 colon 65 dash 9."

Once again, the whole table falls into silence.

"Holy shit..." breathes the other D name (Duke? Danny's pretty sure he's Signal) from opposite Stephanie. "Isn't that...?"

"The time travelling code." The littlest Wayne says stiffly. "We have met in the future?"

"That's not just the time travelling code, Dami." Dick says, looking between Danny and Bruce. "That's the family time travelling code."

Danny's grin freezes in place.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"1 colon 65 dash 9." Dick explains, still flicking between him and Bruce. "It means you've been adopted into the family and we should all treat you as such, no questions asked."

"Tell you what, I'm about to ask a question." Danny says, dumbstruck. "You just told me it was a code to identify time travellers, not anything about being adopted! What the hell, B?"

Bruce looks about as shellshocked as Danny feels.

"We must have been close," he says finally, after opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water a few times.

"No! Not that close!" Danny reels back, taking a deep breath ready to refute it all, but... "Well, I mean, you found me when I first got stuck, and you helped me get better despite being... And then we fought together against the, uh, bad guy, before he, um, he... before you couldn't."

An uncomfortable beat passes while they all pick up on what Danny tried so hard not to say.

"So, you're not from the future, then, you travelled there and came back?" Tim asks, breaking the tension and leaning forward with a glint in his eye.

"Yeah, it was a whole end of the world thing, but don't worry about it," Danny says with a hand wave, "It's all kosher now, won't ever happen."

"What did happen?"

"Seriously, don't worry about it, we cool."

"How long in the future was it?"

"About ten years? You were pretty spry for an old man, B," Danny laughs, wishing they'd get off the topic of what happened and get back to the adoption bit.

Everyone shares degrees of a cautious smile as they relax out of the shock, and Dick—whose grin is the biggest—says, "No wonder you got the family code, you're already riffing on him like one of us. How long were you there for?"

"A week, before I managed to get back to my present and stop him then."

"A week? Jeez, B, that has to set some kind of record, seriously."

"Oh!" Danny says, sitting bolt upright and blinking in surprise before pointing at Dick and bouncing in his seat. "You're Nightwing!"

"What?"

"That's exactly what Nightwing said when Batman told me the code! Makes so much more sense now."

Dick laughs and claps his hands, delighted.

"You were not formally adopted?" The grumpy small one—Dami?—asks, his face pinched.

"I didn't even know I was informally adopted."

"And your parents? Are they alive or dead?"

"Damian, stop—"

"They were dead in the future, but they're alive now." Danny says, looking down. He fiddles with the tablecloth, twisting the fabric around his fingers as he fights down the pang of sadness that he always feels when he thinks of them now. He forces a bright smile on his face and hopes it doesn’t look too strained. "I just, uh, can't talk to them much, anymore."

"Damian," Dick warns, "1 colon 65 dash 9. Treat them as family, no questions asked."

"This is Damian treating him as family, the little turd has no manners." Tim scoffs, rolling his eyes, but he gently bumps shoulders with Danny to knock him out of his funk. Danny can't help but send him a watery smile.

"I have the most exemplary manners, Drake, unlike some people." Damian spits, crossing his arms with a pout. "I was merely ascertaining his status to see how he could possibly fit into the family."

"I know this is all a bit sudden, Danny," Bruce smiles, ignoring Damian and reaching out to lay a warm hand on his arm, "for all of us. But if I felt strongly enough to give you that code after spending a week with you in the future, then you are more than welcome in this family, if you so choose it. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we'd like to get to know you a bit more."

"I know a threat when I hear it, Bruce." Danny snorts. "But, yeah, I get it. I'm sorry this is all so weird, it really wasn't how I wanted to find you again, but... I'm glad I did."

"So are we, Danny." Dick says, with a warm smile. "And formally or not, 1 colon 65 dash 9 means you're family. Welcome to the fun house! No take backs or refunds, sorry. You're stuck with us."

#dpxdc #dcxdp #dc x dp #dp x dc crossover #batpham #hailsatanacrab🦀🦀writes #look. this has been in my mind for so long guys so long - and idk if its canon that the batfam have codes for time travel situations or what #but i feel like ive seen it before and if its not canon it should be #so here - how i think that would be funny to go down #i have so many thoughts about TUE and its place in a dpxdc crossover like holy shit there's so many ways it can go!!#i have another wip in the works thats kinda similar to this but with superman and i cannot wait to work on it again #there are so many ways i wanted this to go but i just couldnt get there - i wanted to keep it on the shorter side but like #perhaps ill have to expand #i just love the idea that like. theres a stranger at your table who knows you and knows you well. who knows the secret that youd die to keep #there's a stranger at your table and he says something and you know he's family. you know you're strangers but now...#now you have to be something more #oh man theres so many juicy ways it can go and I KNOW I DID NONE OF THEM #i want to write this whole plot again and make it angstier #(me with everything)#anyway! sorry love you all hope you enjoy it!!

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puppyeared · 5 months

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my attempt at making a fursona

#i never see any mole furries so i thought id try my hand at it ^_^#i was hungry making this and was thinking of dirt cup pudding so its partly inspired by that and mario grass blocks #i dont draw furries very often so this was a fun learning experience lol. also!! star nose moles are kinda cute!!!!#when i was coming up with a name my mind kept going back to that tiktok of dogs and the tts voice saying stuff like i like mulch #mulch is my favorite food! yippee mulch!! so if youre wondering where i got the name theres the lore for it #i also wanna make a sea otter fursona.. and perhaps a snowshoe hare or other winter animal. oh or a barn owl!!#im trying to free my mind when it comes to making multiple sonas bc im still trying to wrap my head around it #ive always kinda seen myself as my persona but i want to try and be silly with it. actually while i was making this i was a little doubtful #to call it my fursona bc it doesnt look like me but a little voice inside my head was like well. youre not a 5 foot tall talking mole eithe #so you might as well. and i was thinking abt ppl with their dragon wolves with wings and i was like wow.. youre right... i can do what i #want forever. and brother that shit was enlightening it was like my third eye opened when i realized that #my art #myart #my oc #oc #fursona #mulch #furry art #sfw furry #character design #oc ref sheet #reference sheet

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scruntassdude · 8 months

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i rlly wish he had survived the crown being destroyed, i love this weird little guy

#finnpost #fionna and cake #simon petrikov #the winter king #winter simon au perhaps?#rotating this idea in my mind

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lucabyte · 3 months

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you dream of devouring your friends whole

#the 'it' and 'that' sif is referring to is the act 3 loop hangout but i enjoy being vague in dialogue it feels natural. tee hee.#serious time means everyone gets noses btw. sorry about the slow metamorphasis back into my usual style from my mimicry #in stars and time #isat #isat spoilers #isat loop #isat act 5 spoilers #isat act 6 spoilers #isat siffrin #in stars and time fanart #isat fanart #sifloop #YES IM TAGGING THE SHIP. THUMBS UP. READ INTO THAT HOW YOU WILL BECAUSE IT WAS ON MY MIND WHEN DRAWING IT AT THE LEAST #aaaaaanyway. my personal reading of loop is. how do you say... flowey-esque. to invoke a fellow antagonistic timelooper. since imo #they do seem even fuuurther gone than sasasap sif was when we saw them. and BOY DOES LATEGAME ISAT SIF HAVE SOME INTRUSTIVE THOUGHTS #so uh. who's to say what happened in there. since we know start again isnt quite congruent as loop never beat the king.#i wouldn't blame them for going maybe a little mad. just a lil #it is important to me that loop is. perhaps a bit haunted. AND THAT THEY GET THROUGH IT!!! but they are haunted #lucabyteart #anyway uhhh. probably should put a cw for implied cannibalism??#cannibalism mention

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satoumafuyuss · 1 month

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Still getting used to drawing them but I'm happy with how this turned out so I will post it :)

#last night while i was trying to sleep i closed my eyes and saw blitz with hyper realistic bloodshot eyes and then i woke up nauseous #its the way theyre the only thing on my mind rn #i can and totally would make analysis's.s..'s on each and every scene involving these two #stolitz duet soon how we feeling im feeling hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #im hhhhhhhhhhh #im also working on such a normal thing involving blitz did you know blitz is my favorite character i love him and hate him a lot so much #i really love the idea of blitz being clingy after him and stolas actually make things official btw #also obsessed with blitz climbing stolas all the time like a bug or perhaps a lizard #stolitz.......................... <3.. uhghghhh..#just like 21-ish days till full moon release date reveal hahahahahahahaha #nillyart #nillyfanart #helluva boss #blitzø #blitz #stolas #stolas goetia #stolitz #stolas x blitz #hellaverse

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earthtooz · 2 years

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thinking about bakugo katsuki, who just wants to prove to you more than anything that he'd be an amazing boyfriend.

it begins with little things.

he tells you if there's something on your face, if there's something in between your teeth that hinders your beautiful smile. he tells you if your tie or uniform is out of place but can never hold back a 'be more careful, idiot' as he helps you fix the stray mistake. he looks away when you laugh at his preciseness. he stops your cup of water from falling over, puts his hands over any hazards that will hurt if you bump into them, all those kinds of small things.

he gives you all of his attention when you directly address him. whether it be a comment, a compliment, or a question, bakugo always gives you 100% of himself as long as you're direct with him.

even if you don't specifically speak to him, he always listens too.

you could be talking to mina about a movie you watched and bakugo will be listening, leaning back in his seat, not even looking in your direction yet his ears are ENGAGED, he's taking in every word you say. he even searches the movie up later.

not that he wants to watch it- bakugo has no time to waste on these things. he's saving it for when he can watch it with you.

he always watches your reactions first whenever in a group. whether it be in class and being told about some exciting projects - internships, camps, whatever, bakugo always keens to gauge how you respond. alternatively, it could be bakugo and kirishima's turn to make dinner (bakugo carries), and the second it is served bakugo's watching intently for your reaction.

(he only agreed to making dinner because kirishima bribed him. how? well, he mentioned your name and bakugo got straight to washing the vegetables.)

his little acts then evolve. he saves seats for you at lunch when you can't make it to the cafeteria in time or when he knows you're too busy that you won't make it in time to get a portion of your favourite lunch, so he buys it for you.

you always thank him for his kindness and begin to repay him but bakugo always rejects it, waving you off. 'don't do it again because i'm not doing this for you again', he mutters and you simply smile because you both know there is a next time.

he grabs your hero suitcase for you, going out of his way to do this for no one else but you. he accepts your pleads for help whenever there's something from the classwork you can't understand, smirking triumphantly at deku and momo - the top students of the class, who are confused at bakugo's sudden smugness.

eventually you get comfortable with him, to the point that physical touch is not a big deal anymore. the first time you take the risk was laying your forehead on his shoulder from fatigue and almost everyone around you gawks at the collected expression bakugo wears.

you had muttered a quick 'sorry' as you lifted your head up but the blond grunts in response, not sure how else to say that it's okay and you can lean on him any time.

denki then tries to do so and almost gets half his hair charred off.

it then evolves to the point that bakugo's known you long enough to have memorised your orders at fast food chains, cafes, boba shops, etc. and he often buys your favourite snacks whenever he visits the local 7/11, and when he delivers them, you give him the brightest smile he's ever seen and the explosive blond knows that the slow decrease in funds of his bank account is totally worth it if it means he gets to make you happy. he often masks his feelings with a 'tch' before storming off.

90% of bakugo's language is insults, but he is mindful to never throw them at you. he doesn't want you to doubt yourself for one second, whether it be your strength, smarts, beauty, etc, he's mindful to exempt you from his 'extras' phrase, because you're probably the only special one to him from everyone in the class.

and he knows you're special because one night, you take him outside the dorms and onto the balcony, asking him out on a date and he almost explodes himself into the air with joy. his cheeks fluster up- so uncharacteristic of him, and he tries to keep up a 'cool guy facade' whilst accepting your offer.

"get ready, cause i'm about to take you out on the date of your fuckin' life."

"wh- bakugo, i was the one who asked!"

"and i'm gonna be the best boyfriend ever, so leave this shit to me!"

thinking about bakugo, who is known to be hard-to-date, unapproachable, unlikeable unless he kept his mouth shut.

thinking about bakugo katsuki, who is absolutely 'the best' boyfriend ever because you have never doubted his love for you for a single second, and he makes sure you never will.

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 2 months

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The junior quintet riding a giant illustrious cod.

(For @sandpancakecat)

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #digital art #Jin ling #lan jingyi #lan sizhui #ouyang zizhen #nameless red disciple #codfish #What an incredibly whimsical prompt! I enjoyed the how it tickled my mind!#I do *not* have more to say about what is going on here as this was not wholly my brain child. But I enjoy it!#Perhaps they are on a night hunt and trying to catch a giant cod spirit.#I am just so delighted to be able to draw these five hanging out again that my mind has gone blank.#Regardless - I'm feeling happy with how this turned out! Fish are fun to draw!#One more raffle post to go! See you all tomorrow!

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lead0 · 4 months

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my sniper loadout :]

#tf2 #tf2 fanart #tf2 sniper #been playing him a lot recently #don’t mind the shit anatomy it was 1 am #also i have a skill issue #i’ll probably try to draw all my loadouts here eventually #perhaps #team fortress 2

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sleepinglionhearts · 2 years

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Oh, it’s gonna be the way you always thought it would be

but it’s gonna be no illusion

Oh, it’s gonna be the way you always dreamt about it

but it’s gonna be really happenin’ to ya

#doodles #fe art tag #fe3h #fire emblem three houses #claude von riegan #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #edelgard von hresvelg #oh yes here we go again it's kai putting characters to kate bush lyrics that barely fit #look look look i've been obsessed with the line the cross and the curve for a long time #and many many months ago was like WAIT HOLD ON A SECOND i'm gonna APPLY THAT TO MY FIRE EMBLEM NONSENSE #and what do you know!! there's three characters perfect for it!!!#so i have actually had this in mind for well over a year and only recently put it to paper #the concept went through many changes #did all the florals and the characters on paper and the filling in the background digitally #i might eventually revisit this perhaps with color or a new rendering to make it look more dramatic #but for now i am just happy to have completed something that has been on my mind for so long #and during a time at which i have been making so little art #anyway please enjoy the art as usual i worked a lot on this one jshdsjdhgs

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autoboros · 2 days

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Wanted to draw @nephilimbrute 's Agent 8 because they are so so neat to me

#my art has been so sloppy recently with my shitty wrist augh #theyre so neat i love their eyes #rotating them in my mind's microwave #splatoon #art #splatoon oc #splatoon 2 #agent 8 #these are only quick sketches but i may perhaps even draw them digitally soon (very fun to draw)

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cockroachesunite · 1 month

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Priorities

#and then he didn’t #james fitzjames #this is supposed to be his berth but i didn’t care enough to do the proper research to make it look exactly right #in my mind this is the night before sir john’s funeral #or perhaps the night after #but anyway— this is directly after le vesconte and fitzjames held an Irish Wake for sir john (meaning they both got thoroughly drunk)#and then after they both stumble to their respective berths #fitzjames thinks to himself (rather hazily) ‘sir john loved a good prayer— he would want me to pray for him’#but then this is all he can come up with #and then he falls asleep in his boots #and then feels especially miserable for the funeral the next day #as is right and proper #amc the terror #my drawings #the terror #the terror fanart #let’s be honest this was just an excuse to draw fitzjames kneeling

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 2 months

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i dig his earnest soul & neglected middle child vibes. he's so Charming and for what reason!

#perhaps i just enjoy pathetic men!#perhaps i relate to how he's treated! who's to say!#grabbing him and putting him on my trinket shelf #i'd listen to his poetry. i'd hate every fucking second but i Would listen <3 #look at him! Look! i want to perhaps toss him around in a sack!#there is a 3d model of him in my mind and im just. violently spinning him #my fav pillars: latter & toodaloo THANKS I LOVE THEM.#scribble salad #latter pillar #welcome home puppet show #ok its time to queue this and sleep. im seeing spiders #you know it's time to sleep when the trash bag strings turn into a tarantula!#god. latter. i love him and his too many stupid fucking limbs AGH HE'S SO PERFECT.#howdy's just a hater smh. and repressed as shit - i see him. he's not fooling Me....

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nevertheless-moving · 3 months

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unable to stop dwelling on the discworld trouser leg of time where, in the penultimate fight scene in Nightwatch, Carcer manages to kill teenage Sam Vimes.

Which means that the future that Duke Vimes came from can no longer exist, which means he can’t go home. Meanwhile you’ve got a bunch of history monks with stored up temporal energy, a prepared space outside of time, and the need to do some desperate damage control before the Auditors get involved. Death shows up, reality is unweaving, Sam is reading Carcer his discworld miranda rights because what else is he supposed to do.

and finally, with little other option, the monks de-age Sam so he fits the time period and send him back out into the fray.

(they didn't call it deageing of course. His memory is hazy, splintered during that terrible in between moment, They....took the time out of him? Sanded away the edges of his self for a terrible, workable fit? It...wasn't a good feeling.)

Just—damn. Sam Vimes having to live his whole crapsack life over again, but this time as his disillusioned-reillusioned, unwillingly-character-developed, noir-epic, Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes self.

Younger (Older? He's never felt so Old, His steps so Childlike, reality twisting in his gut like one of Dibbler's pies) Sam Vimes walking around in a haze after the revolution. Desperate to go home, knowing he can’t. Wanting to drink. Knowing he can’t.

The whole precinct feels pity, he really took Keel’s death hard, hardly speaks except to do his job. Eventually he has to grit his teeth and start being present, because what else is there to do?

Resists the urge to drink until Colon takes the whole watch out to celebrate because -he’s going to be a father!

Come on Sammy, one drink won’t kill you— and after the first drink he’s cracking jokes and after the second hes smiling and after the third hes honestly the life of the party and sometime after that he’s crying about how he was going to be a father and my wife would be ashamed if she saw me drinking like this and—

Oh shit, Did anyone else know he had a wife?? A PREGNANT wife??? What—aren’t you like 12—no you're 17 now aren't you but when did—

You guys n’ver met ’er—oh gods none if you ev’n know ‘er, is jus’ me...

What—when did you lose—

I lost her the same damn day I los’ ev’rythin else, whadya think...bleeding Carcer...the fuckin revolution...

So! That! Sam only vaguely remembers the night, but rumors travel faster than light on the disc, so by the next day the whole damn city knows about poor Sam brung low by the loss of his poor, tragic, pregnant wife, so young to be a widower, and the Seamstresses nod because they already knew, don’t ask them how, somethings you just have to know in that trade.

And his mother—I don’t know, sue me, I’m a time travel fiend but there’s something deeply intriguing about a man meeting his dead parent, who is somewhat younger than him, and stepping into the old relationship like a badly fitting thing that's supposed to fit well. She would know, right? How would she deal with her son’s impossible grief? Maybe she wouldn’t know—he spent most of the time out of the house, running with different street gangs, maybe he avoids her until she dies and lives with the guilt twice over. God, we don’t even know her name. There’s just so much narrative and emotional potential that I don’t even know where to start.

When he’s on duty, which is most time - it’s agonizing because at first he remembers cases, saves lives that would have been lost. But the more time passes, the hazier his memory because in the original timeline he was becoming an alcoholic. Fuck! A kid dies and he could have saved her if he hadn’t been such a drunk, if he had just remembered where the asshole lived, but it’s all a haze, and he wants to drown out his guilt, but that’s what caused this in the first place.

Good young Sammy, who spends his rare off-time in dusty libraries (and yes, the irony that he’s apparently Carrot now is not lost on him) reading gods-only-know.

It’s not like he can ask the wizards for help, cutthroat and vicious as they are now in the not-so-distant-past.

Good young Sam, who...talks to the Broken Drum’s pet Bouncer like he’s a real person and not a dumb rock? That’s a bit weird, but he’s a bit of a funny guy.

Good old Sam, who believed the testimony of the dwarf who said the humans were trying to rob him and let the dwarf go??

the PROBLEMS this man would cause, good grief. Can you imagine a moderately progressive middle aged man with some degree of begrudging diversity and equity training that he did, for all his sins, pay attention to, suddenly going back to like, 1990, going back just 30 years, and going...oh damn this is kind of fucked up, no man you can’t say that, holy shit.

Except Sam’s lived through even more rapidly shifting social moroes! There’s no seamstress guild, there’s no women allowed inside the university, there’s no black ribboner’s society. People hunted trolls for their teeth! But Sam can’t just unlearn everything, and he can’t shut up, and he has no real luck and anyway he would absolutely get himself (temporarily) fired.

FUCK. Sam has no idea what to do with that. None. Zero clue. Wanders around in a haze until that dwarf he saved from police brutality finds him and insists on repaying the debt. No, he insists, do you have any idea what debt means to a dwarf?

“Sort-of?” he replies hesitantly, and that honest admission of incomplete knowledge shows a hell of a lot more respect and understanding than any self proclaimed dwarf-expert ever did.

Gets a job as a surface man, hauling rocks into the city. It’s backbreaking work, but, in true Discworld fashion, it’s also one hell of a workout (again the irony of being Carrot is not lost him. he freezes for a minute while hauling a rock cart, when he remembers he's technically Lost Nobility too, in a strict sense, but someone curses at him in the street and he's comfortingly grounded)

And here is where this au slides into a SPECTACULAR romantic comedy, BEAR WITH ME. Because in his time on the Watch he’s already done noir, action adventure, war story, detective who dunnit, psychological horror, but guards guards only allowed him to be a romance protagonist in an extremely limited context.

Give me righteous, twenty-something-looking, can’t-say-he-doesn’t-have-style, young Sam Vimes, not an alcoholic, being fed three square meals a day by his dwarven forced found family, hauling rocks. He is startled to find him bumping his head on a low hanging bar that he doesn’t think used to be there, eventually realizing that he’s an inch or two taller than he remembers. Huh. Guess all that bearhuggers really did stunt his growth.

Still doesn’t get what some of the looks from women he’s getting are about, sure, he’s dirty but so is everyone else. Fine, he took his shirt off, but it’s hot out, there’s far wrinklier than him hauling heavy loads, get a life.

Happens to glance in the Ankh one day when it’s particularly slow and shiny and is startled to realize that he might be turning heads for a different reason. Oh. Right, not that he was ever a heartbreaker, but he did alright for himself... when he was a younger and his face hadn’t been broken so many times. Which...it isn't now.

Is mildly disturbed by the revelation.

Especially once things blow over at the precinct and what with high mortality rates, he ends up with getting hired again. The boys are delighted to have him back, nevermind that he’s an odd one, noone is ever quite in your corner like Vimsey, absence makes the heart fonder, no one else works that hard, and he’s not even competition for promotion. All around great guy, we should set him up with somebody and just, no.

It just keeps getting worse! He’s literate! He’s a feminist! He believes abuse victims! He’s got a tragic backstory! He’s unreasonably good in a fistfight! He’s kind to animals! Word gets around that there’s a good man on the watch and he’s just waiting for a good woman to come snap him up. The widower excuse doesn’t hold people off completely, and for some it’s its own sort-of appeal.

Things REALLY become stressful after he rescues that carriage full of noblewoman.

What’s he supposed to do? Let them get robbed? Or worse? Chasing down and beating up 10 goons is as easy as beating up one, when they’re that stupid, getting separated like that, drunk and distracted, and he knows these streets better than anyone, really it’s nothing. And oh lord he’s Modest too.

I mean, they were genuinely greatful, as genuine as people like that are capable of being, the skill having grown rusty. And then there is something...magnetic about the man. An air of command.

So, soon enough you get Lady Marigold of Marigrave calling on Treckle Road for that gallant young officer who rescued them, she really needs to thank him. And Viscountess Elanor Thitzferal specifically requesting that he guard her at her next soiree. And Baroness Julieta van Shoeholten insisting that he come to her home while her husband’s away, for... manly protection.

Aaaah just zero sympathy from the guys. None. 'It’s become a competition, they’re just trying to see who can get me into bed first, it’s like I’m a piece of meat, you can’t send me sir, the Marquess greeted me in a nightee last time you made me go to—' and 'small gods Vimes are you even listening to yourself, shut the hell up'.

Simultaneous to this, (again this is several years into the timeline) swamp dragon accessories come into style. Which means abandoned swamp dragons scrounging on the street. Vimes takes one back to his apartment, blows his paycheck on dragon medicine, and eventually, heart in his chest, brings it to the Ramkin estate. The sunshine orphanage doesn’t even exist yet and he’s just standing outside the gates like an idiot, what is he thinking. Turns around, but her carriage is pulling up and—

well. they meet. it's cute. he's never felt so young. he's never felt so old, too old for her, too poor—

and certainly her thoughts linger too long on the awkward, kindly, handsome young commoner, but is it any wonder she doesn't quite connect it to the stern, dangerous, sexy young guard the ladies seem to be in some quiet, cuthroat competition over?

i have this gorgeous, absurd scene in my head in which Vimes is strong armed into standing guard at some high society soiree and one of the pushiest ladies insists he dance with here, or, if he prefers, if he's not confident about his skills, he can dance with her in-private at her home and he’s like [grinding teeth, looking for a way out, seeinf one] “I would be honored to dance with you.”

Steps right into some ultra-complex dance with multiple partner swaps (she never thought he'd pick this one, devilishly intimidating to one not strictly trained, and you barely spend anytime with your first partner).

But he does alright. Better than alright, for a common man, sometimes misstepping but his hands and feet always end up where they need to be. Raises several eyebrows part way into the song because he's throuwing in some slightly scandalous, no innovative, extra lifts and twirls that wouldn't become fashionable for another decade or two. Who even is that guy? Some out of towner? No, no he's in a guards uniform...how very strange.

Gets to Sybll and she's used to embarrassment during these dances, she tries to get out of them when she can... but can't always. Men awkwardly skipping the lifts, or worse, trying and failing. But him — oh it's him, the one who helped little Erold, and looked at her like—like—well like she was someone beautiful. And he's doing it again, and he's strong and there's a quiet moment where she's in the air, they lock eyes, and the rest of the room melts away.

And then the partners change again, the moment ended.

Just...living throught it all again. To the left, a dance he almost knows the steps to, throwing others off balance with erratic moves , honest mistakes, and delibrate stepping on toes. Improvising. Ruining. Improving. Getting far, far too much attention.

Hes almost excited when the first assassains start coming after him. It's like a hobby.

Everyone tells him he should get a hobby.

Interactions with young vetinari...I don't have the energy to write it all down, the slow circling in on each other, both burning with the need to fix the city, save it, their city.

needless to say he ends up fired again, life under real threat after offending some high lord.

Conveniently enough he has an employment opportunity- bodyguard to fucking Vetinari on his 'grand sneer.' The bastard knows vimes isn't what he seems, though sam is pretty sure that he doesnt know the exacts.

Vetinari hypothesis:(the ghost of keel? Keels son, with some hereditary curse? Or a larger spirit of justice possessing a string of unrelated souls? He knows things he shouldn't- mind reader? Fortune teller? Havelock once arranged for a wizard to bump into him on the street, the magical fool gave an odd double look and then muttered something about destiny looping in on itself giving him a headache. Destiny? Lost noble? And hes far too familiar with sybyl, one of the few bearable noblewomen in this city. And his thoughts on guilds, when havelock can trip him into speaking... Most of all, if hes reading him at all correctly (for all the mystery hes not that hard to read, unless thats a very clever cover) then it seems that behind those dark haunted eyes is Respect. Loyalty. For vetinari. What an interesting man. A puzzling asset. An intriguing threat. )

Did I mention the timeline is changing, healing slowly around the place where it was torn? Healing enough around scars to perhaps get some flexibility back, with some painful stretches and...massaging of said scar tissue?

And hes heading to unresting uberwald, a place where a werewolf pack still hunts humans and, truely unrelated but perhaps equally exhausting, an eldritch spirit of vengeance just might be looking to stretch its legs in a hapless vessel?

Opening drabble Vimes Vetinari Meta (Unwell)

#discworld #sam vimes #discworld au #nightwatch au #i literally drafted this post in December 2021 #and i know it was living in my head for years already at that point #i have more somewhere aging like cheese in the back of my mind #discworld fanfic #night watch #Let this be free from my mind #Perhaps someone else will write it #BE FREE ANCIENT AU OF MY SOUL #For all my obsession with discworld I have but this one (1) AU though it tears at me like the seam of a pair of pants #The songs I have permanently associated with this au are slightly bonkers by the way #My au #Seriously there's like two full novels worth of content up here. Sybyll running away from home and living as a commoner #To mirror Sam joining upper class in original timeline you see?#Some early discworld murder Wizard nonsense when they try to poke at the temporal anomaly and the universe goes brrrr #Eventually catching up with color of Magic city burning bs and vimes is mad as fuck #Weird year that never was protecting people during sourcery #And when we start catching up with where he left #Oh ho ho you can't to forward to something that doesn't exist but maybe you can go sideways to a place that's got a tear in it #A sam vimes shaped tear #And his pregnant wife from 30 years ago in the other trouser leg #AND that's not even mentioning how carcers trial got taken to a...higher court

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