#occasionally i remember that post i made at the end of february where i was like

[lottieurl]

hyperfixations are so scary like yeah this could be a month long thing or i might be thinking of it everyday seven months from now. no way to tell

#occasionally i remember that post i made at the end of february where i was like #im not responsible for the person i will become when yj s2 starts airing! #and it gets funnier every month since 😭 #i occasionally think my fixation faded only to realise i just became extremely used to thinking abt yj THAT MUCH #new normal etc

[maddipoof]

yeah,,,, sad boy,,,,, anyway

I got this request in like february and then i lost it but it was on anon so i hope it finds whoever requested it even though i bet they don't remember, hey lovely! i LOVED your last post so i was wondering if i could submit a post? ive had this idea for awhile…. A JJ Maybank x kook!reader where JJ just keeps bringing up the fact that the reader and rafe used to have a fling and the reader just breaks down and asks JJ why he keeps bringing it up and JJ tells her its because he saw that Rafe still texts the reader and JJ like demands that the reader blocks Rafe. you can end it however you like! i just like a lot of angst lmao ❤️💋 It should be stated that i did get carried away and forgot a few things but I hope you enjoy <3 WC: 5k, not beta'd

“You’re staring.” You saw JJ looking at you from the other side of the small living room in the chateau. You’d been texting in your group chat with your friends from your old school, since some of them had switched to boarding schools and whatnot, but you caught him out of the corner of your eye.

“I’m not.”

“What are you doing then?”

“Admiring.”

You moved closer to the edge of the couch and made room for him. He jumped on next to you, nearly landing right on top of you. “You’re typing pretty fast. Who’re you talkin’ to?”

You learned in the last few months that you’d been together now that JJ was not the terribly jealous type in public. He was the first guy you’ve dated that understood that if you’re dating a hot girl, there’s no reason she should stop being a hot girl. If anything, he liked it more. He liked that everyone would look at you but you’d always be looking at him. The problem came whenever you took a second to look away. You both knew what it was like to feel insecure, like someone was leading you on for no reason, like there was no trust. 

“Just my friends from school.”

“What about?”

“They’re trying to plan something next Saturday.”

He made a face you couldn’t see but you could feel it from his cheek moving on your shoulder. “What?”

When you looked at him he tried to take a neutral expression. “We’re going out Saturday.”

“I know.” Your voice didn’t match his. He sounded rough and salty, you were smooth and sweet. “That’s why I said ‘they’re’ trying to. My Saturdays are yours.”

“Good.” He pushed up to kiss you then went out to see what Pope and John B were doing outside. 

Kiara had been watching from the kitchen with a curled lip and a raised brow, holding her cold bottle to her chest. She got you one before she came and sat where JJ had just been. “Possessive much?”

“It’s fine.” You dropped the sweetness and just sounded bored. 

“You see him every Saturday?”

“I see him every day. And I guess that includes the days my friends I haven’t seen in 6 months are back in.” You shrugged and rolled your head to the back of the couch after taking a drink. “It’s fine.”

“Why don’t you tell him you want to see them?”

Another shrug, “He’ll ask why I want to go out with some Kooks when I can be with you guys.”

“That’s ridiculous.” She stood up like she was going to walk right out and tell him you’re going, but you pulled her back by the elbow. “What?”

“I’ll talk to him later.”

“Promise?”

You nodded and locked your pinky with hers before going outside. 

***

As Saturday approached, your phone buzzed more and JJ got more…territorial. You put it back on do not disturb and set it down by your leg, the one he wasn’t next to, and went back to watching your feet dangle with the tide slowly rising and the wake of a boat every so often splashing your toes. Adding an occasional kick to watch the way it rippled. The sun was settling behind you like an over-ripe peach. Big and bleeding towards orange, it spilled into the water, sending little arcs of light swimming with every roll of water.

“Who’s going Saturday?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re friends are going out Saturday, which ones?”

“Oh, yeah. Um I don’t think you’d know most of them but like Sarah Cameron, maybe her brother, I don’t know though. Lizzie Callaghan, Riley, Jack. I forget who else.”

“You wanted to go out with Rafe Cameron?” It sounded ugly when he said it like that.

“I wanted to go out with my friends whether or not he was there. I told you I wasn’t going to go since we already made plans that day. It’s fine, we’re both happy with it, don’t worry about it.”

“You don’t seem very happy about it.” He pulled his legs up from the water and his heels left the almost grey old wood of the dock dark with salt water. He pulled his arms around his shins.You thought you’d get through without it being brought up, having spent another day together in the cut. He hated going to your house. Not that he hated your house, he hated how far it was from his, how it was further than distance, it was tax brackets away, worlds away. 

“I haven’t seen them in a while, I’d like to see them soon. I have plans that day, they’ll be back. It’s fine.” Your posture went to shit after you grabbed your phone. Not that it was the best before, when you were looking at the water, but now your arms weren’t holding you up so your back was curled like a shell. Just to check the time and if Sarah or Kie texted you.

“Yeah, cus I’m sure you never get to see Rafe.”

“Jesus Christ, Jay. I told you that we went on 3 dates four years ago,” you slammed the face of your phone on the dock next to you, not the best idea. “He is in college in Massachusetts! So yes, we “dated” when I was 14, and we stayed friendly because his sister is one of my best friends.” You stood up and grabbed your bag on the way, he hardly even moved, just craned his neck and let his view of you be blurred by the sun behind you. “Yes, I would like to see him, but he, and all my other friends, will be here for the whole summer, there’s more than enough time for me to see them any other non-Saturday.” 

“So you still talk?”

“Holy fuck.” You put a hand to your head and turned away for a second. 

“I’m just saying like, you’re my girlfriend. It’s not impossible to think that maybe I don’t want you hanging around with that kind of asshole.”

“What is ‘that kind of asshole’?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I feel like I don’t.”

“I mean he was a classist prick to me and all my friends my whole life,” he finally stood up now, and moved so that he blocked the sun from your eyes.

“When he was fucking 12!”

“What about last year when he crashed me and John B’s party at the boneyard? You remember that right? You and him and all your little kooks came, flocking like fuckin– fucking vultures.”

“Fuck this,” you remembered that night, the two of them got into a fight over a keg, and yes Rafe did make some low blows about him being a pogue from the Cut, but that was a year ago, when he was still using and while he was drunk, he’s still accountable, but he’s not that person anymore. 

You tried to get past him but he made a lame attempt at blocking your way. “I just want to go home, Jay. I don’t want to do this anymore.” You looked at him now and saw the way his face went from annoyed to apologetic. 

“That’s ok, hey, that’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it anymore.” He tried smoothing your hair back and letting his hand coast down to your neck but you moved away. “Just let me drive you home.”

“I don’t want– I’m fine, I’ll call Sarah. Just– Please.”

“Please what? I don’t know what you want.”

“I want you to stop. I want this to stop.”

“I don– honey, what do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t even breathe around you like this. It’s– It’s suffocating, Jay. I love you, you know that. I don’t know why you can’t just believe it too.” He let you walk away after that. What more was there to say. 

***Saturday***

Since you got together, the last 3 days have been the longest JJ’s gone without seeing you. He was laying on the pull out sofa backwards, his head dropped down over the foot of the bed, not caring that the mattress has sunk over the years and the black metal bar was digging into the back of his neck. He knew he shouldn’t let his pen go upside down, but he needed the distraction, he blew it down trying to fight the cloud from going up before it evaporated. 

Kiara was cross legged on the other couch, tapping through her friends’ snap stories. She still had some of the people you went to school with added. “Hey J,” she said.

“Hmm?” 

“Have you seen Sarah’s story?”

“Why would I see Sarah’s story?”

“I don’t know. You want to?”

“Not really.” He flipped over so the front of his throat was on the bar and he let out a long groan before he fixed his position. 

“She’s lookin awfully comfy up with Sarah.” He knew who she ment by “she.”

“Lemme see.”

“I’m not moving, you come here.”

He groaned again when he flipped off over the couch, like an old man. 

Kie swiped it back to the beginning and he saw the progression of you and some other girls in the back of one of their brand new broncos. The roof was off and the next one was a boomerang of your big smiles and hair blowing wild. Then another of you all at lunch, the waiter must have taken it of you. Some of your food, then the sky with your hand pointing to a cloud and your voice saying “That one looks like a chameleon. I’m telling you, look at it.” “What are you talking about?” It sounded like Rafe but Sarah kept it pointed at the sky. “You’re looking at it wrong.” It panned down to you standing behind Rafe, taking him by the shoulders and turning him in the right direction. “That looks like a dog.” It ended with you slapping him on the arm. 

The next story was Riley’s, Sarah’s cousin, after the few Kiara skipped through of just the restaurant, there was one of you and Sarah dancing in the street. It looked like it you were still just outside the restaurant, one with an overt theme of a European café. There was a street performer with his open guitar case in front of his stool, his instagram handle on a piece of cardboard tapped to the back of it. In the background, behind you two spinning each other around, it looked like Rafe threw some money in there and then said something to the busker. The next video was of Rafe playing a song that had you all laughing and spinning together. He looked away when he saw you turn your head to look at him. 

He looked different than the last time he saw him, healthier, he lost that faraway look he used to have in his eyes. He looked good, and you looked like you liked it. 

Kiara turned off her phone and shifted to look at him better. “Doesn’t matter.” She put her hand over his, “She’s just happy he’s doing better, that has nothing to do with how she feels about you.”

“I know that, I know. I just– fuck, I ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, you fucked it up a little bit, but not ruined.”

“I don’t want her to hate me.”

“I don’t think she has it in her to hate anyone, especially you.”

***The Cameron House***

Your day ended with a backyard camp out just like you used to do as kids. After all the tents were set up and Riley and Sarah kicked the boys out, you made your 9 person tent into a 5 girl paradise. There was an honest fear in all of you that all your sunset lamps and starry night projectors would overwhelm even the industrial powerstrips, but Sarah assured you, as she plugged in the fourth fan, that it’d all be fine. It was like sitting in a sunset. Pinks and peaches and bubbly orange colors everywhere you looked. Fluffy duvets lined every inch of the floor and there was no escape from all the pillows. Memoryfoam, down, throw, body, king size, every kind of pillow you could imagine stolen from every room in the house. You were between Lizzie and Sarah with Riley and Wheezie across from you. 

You always used to have a camp fire before you went back to your tents, and by the time you noticed that the sun was beginning to set from your captured sky in the tent, Rafe and the three other boys had gotten it started. 

Lizzie was handing you everyother s’more she made, which really meant that she messed every other one up and gave it to you when she didn’t want it. You were on your second when Rafe noticed you looking cold and holding your hands in front of the fire and elbowed Sarah to go get you a sweater or something. She came back and apologized if it was the wrong size, it was Rafe’s that he grew out of 4 years ago and she never grew into length-wise. “Have another, have another.” Lizzie was trying to bring another s’more to your lips. 

“I can’t, I’ll be sick if I have any more.”

“Ugh, you’re no fun.” You knew she was joking when she knocked her shoulder into yours.

“No, you’re the one trying to kill me.”

“Death by s’mores?”

“It’s an epidemic.” Wheezie said as she popped another perfectly goldened marshmallow into her mouth.

You gave Lizzie a look then moved to the bench at the side of the fire where the smoke wasn’t blowing. The only open seat was between Rafe and Jack. Let’s just hope that no one posts anything else tonight. 

“Sick of the s’mores?” Jack asked you.

“Yeah, the perfect goop in the middle can only make the charred black shell on the outside worth it so many times before it’s just not.”

“Pull it off then,” Rafe suggested.

“And lose the exhilarating crunch? Never.”

Rafe shrugged, knowing you were just going to keep going in circles, just for fun, and reached over the arm of the bench to offer you something from the cooler. “Surprise me.”

“Close your eyes then.”

“Why?”

“It needs to be a real surprise. If I got something you don’t like you’d just have me put it away and get you something else. Where’s the surprise in that?”

“Hmph.” You closed your eyes and opened your hand to accept the can, the condensation was dripping into the place where your thumb meets your hand and whatever he gave you tasted like fizzy lemon and basil. You hummed trying to figure it out without opening your eyes, in the end you gave up and read the label anyway. “I’m not gonna get high off of this, right?”

“It’s CBD.”

“I don’t know what you’re giving me.”

“I gave you a seltzer.”

“With CBD.”

“Would you be making as big a deal as this if I gave you a beer or something?”

You shrugged and he went to take your can away and replace it with a corona. “Wooah, woah, woah, who said I was done with that?”

“You.”

“No. It was good.”

“Good.” He let go and you took another sip. You took another look around at the fire and everyone around it then brought one leg up to hug against yourself. “So how’ve you been?”

“I’m alright. You?”

“Better than I’ve been in a while.”

“That’s good, I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks…yeah.” He cracked open another can of seltzer, just a regular one. “So I hear you’re going out with that Maybank kid.”

“Don’t call him that, you know his name.”

“Sorry, JJ. How long?”

“A few months. 6 actually.”

“And he let you come out with me?”

“He didn’t let me. I dom’t need anyone to let me do anything.”

“I’m sorry, I just meant–”

“It’s fine, sorry. It’s fine.”

“Should I apologize to him?” He was looking at you but you were just looking at the fire, Jack had left you by then to put out a flaming marshmallow.

“For what?”

“I don’t know, being a dick to him for however long.”

“Probably.” You looked at him now and he looked sincere enough for you to want to continue the conversation. 

“You know that I was really in a bad place then, right? Like using every chance I got, just being a dick and having no idea what I was doing?”

“I know. Doesn’t excuse it though.”

“I know that, I do. Which is why I want to apologize. And I’m not just gonna blame my dad either though, like I should have known better than to just regurgitate all the shit he was telling be about the Cut and pogues and whatever, all that shit that doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I get that.” You turned so you could face him too, your leg was still up on the bench between you two.

“And I wanted to apologize to you too. I was a complete asshole to you that whole time too. I was so stupid and I shouldn’t have been messing with you when you were like 14.”

You took a deep breath before you said anything. You never really had any strong feelings about when you “dated” before, whenever you thought back to it you thought it was all just because you were young and didn’t know any better. Now that he’s saying this though, it just floods your memory of all the times he tried manipulating you into things you weren’t ready for. You never gave in and eventually he gave up and found some other girl that’d fall for the flash of an amex faster than a smile, but you never actually fell that hard to feel any overwhelming feelings about it. “Can I hug you?”

“Really?” Obviously not the reaction he was expecting. 

“Mhm.” He leaned in and you rubbed one hand up and down his back a few times. “I forgive you.”

“For real?”

“You’re trying to be better, I believe it.”

***The Chateau***

“JJ, no!” Kiara tried to go after him before John B blocked his way out the front door.

Clearly, someone was posting more videos than you knew about. Kie and JJ were just watching baby sensory videos, the ones with the bouncing vegetables, when she got a post notification. “You wanna look at it?”

He shrugged for the thousandth time that night. “Sure.”

And there was the flaming marshmallow melting on the stone and one of them trying to stomp it out with their $50 flip flop… and you in the background, first with you looking into Rafe’s eyes. Next with your arms around him and his face turned into your neck. Whether he was talking or anything else meant nothing to JJ. 

John B was enough to stop him even if he kept trying to push him out of the way. “The fuck is wrong with you, man?”

“She’s supposed to be with me, ok?” He was angry but they heard the hurt underneath. “She’s supposed to be with me and I keep– I keep fucking it up.” He beat a weak fist on John B’s chest before he took him into his arms. 

“You didn’t. You didn’t. Listen, listen, hey,” JJ finally pulled back to let John B look at him. “We’ll have her over tomorrow, yeah? Have her over, you guys can talk and figure it out?” JJ was shaking his head. “What? What is it?”

“She doesn’t want me. I fucked it all up and she doesn’t want me anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Kie, show him the thing.”

“What thing?”

“Jay, I don’t think–”

“Just show him the video.”

She went through it and showed John B, she pointed out you and Rafe. “See?” JJ was about to cry again, so John B pulled him back in like a little kid.

“We’ll have her over tomorrow.”

***The Cameron House***

The fire was dying out and you and Sarah were the last ones out. Everyone else was sleeping, or at least laying down in their tents. 

“You’re still with JJ?”

“Mhm,” You nodded and took another sip from your sprite. “Actually, I don’t know. It’s been weird.”

“What do you mean?” She moved closer to your side. 

“He didn’t want me coming, first because we had a date set, then because he’s still banged up about Rafe and the stuff he used to do. Also because of the 4 dates we went on when I was like 12.” She knew you meant 14, semantics. She hated those 4 weeks, they were miserable. 

“But you still came?”

“Mhm, I haven’t seen him since Tuesday.”

“But–”

“He hates your brother.”

“He’s not the only one. But he’s gotten better.”

“I know he has, he apologized to me earlier tonight.”

“So he–”

“He want’s to apologize to JJ too. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I just…”

“It’s ok, I get it.”

“Thank you. I don’t want to mess it up with him. It’s been going so well, and he’s so wonderful when he wants to be. He’s just…he’s everything and I love it but I just can’t stand it when he gets all weird about coming to my house, he never wants to meet any of you guys or come anywhere near figure 8. I don’t feel bad about what I have, and I don’t pity him for what he has, but I just wish it didn’t matter. Like I wish no one ever told him that he’s just a ‘dirt broke pogue’ or that he’s gonna end up like his dad. He could do so so much if he wanted and I just want him to know that. I don’t want anything to hold him back and I just want to give him the whole world and make him happy but I know he won’t take it,” She put an arm around you and rubbed your shoulder that was against her chest with her other hand. You hiccuped a sob before you realized it and took a breath to collect yourself. “I don’t know if he thinks he isn’t worth it, or he doesn’t deserve it because he isn’t worth it, but I– Fuckin christ, I just want him to be ok.” Your cry became a whine like a little kid’s that doesn’t know how to get their feelings out any other way. Sarah was holding you as close as she could and rocking you side to side as you tried to decide if it would be better to just let it all out now, or try to breathe again. 

“You wanna go see him?”

“What?” You pulled back and wiped the few streaks of tears from her cheeks, you didn’t feel like you were worth crying for at the moment. 

“Do you want to go see him?” She pulled the cuff of her sweater up to wipe over your cheeks then under your nose. 

“What do you–Like right now?”

“Yes, come on,” she shook your shoulder just a bit. “We’ll take the car, go to his house.”

“Not his house. John B’s.”

“John B’s then. You want to?”

You let her pull you up from the bench and towards your shoes before you gave yourself a second to think about it.

***

The streets were nearly dead besides the few college kids speeding by you or a few pick up trucks on their way to work in the other direction. 

You caught your face in the sideview mirror, tear stained and puffy but weirdly ethereal with the way the watery tracks sparkled in the street lights you were passing at lightning speed. You looked at yourself a little too hard before you realized how ridiculous this whole thing was. 

“What the fuck are we doing?”

“What? No, no, hey, come on, don’t back out now!”

“Sarah, it’s past 2 am, this is just, god it’s so desperate.”

“I am not turning this car around.”

“I’ll jump out the window.”

“You will not!”

You looked back at where you came from, woods, long, straight, not worth the walk in any direction. “Fine.”

“Prepare yourself, we’ll be there in like 5 minutes.” With her driving, 5 became 2 and you were barely halfway though your imagined version of how this would go. 

She parked but didn’t turn the car off yet. “The lights,” you hissed at her. “You’ll wake them up.”

“And who do you want to answer the door then?” She pulled the key out and went to the front door before you could get out of your seatbelt.

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

“Jesus christ, Sarah,” You pulled her arm down. “You want them to think we’re a SWAT team?”

****

They ran out of drinks 4 hours ago so Kie and John B were playing an embarrassing game of cup pong with some probably a little bit expired sprite they found at the back of the fridge. Pope was showing JJ a nature he hoped would be a good enough distraction, he was getting very invested in the baby elephant’s journey, which they thought was a good sign.

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

All their heads shot up from whatever they were doing, it could really be anyone. Too many people trying to find them, not enough with any boundaries or respect for their circadian rhythms.

John B took a step to the door, “Wait,” JJ said, “It could be Luke.” John B nodded and JJ went into the bathroom and locked the door. 

Pope walked behind John B and nearly jumped out of his skin when another round of loud knocks came, followed by a harsh “Sarah!”

They looked at each other in confusion then opened the door.

You were there holding Sarah by the wrist, she had her fist raised to knock again, “Hi,” she said before she remembered to put his arm down. He stood to his full height and she was nothing short of stunned. I thought this was about me?! You rolled your still teary eyes and stepped forward just a little. “Can I see him?” you asked gently, knowing you were in no position to be making any demands.

“Do you really think–” –that’s a good idea, is what he was going to say in that careful tone, not wanting to hurt you or JJ, or over step on your relationship but still trying to protect his friend, doing too much at once.

“Yes.” 

There was really no room for any more arguments, he stood back to the side to let you past and you went to the bathroom door. Two gentle knocks, “JJ, I– Can we– I–” you were half a second from turning back to Sarah, crying again saying ‘I can’t do it’ but he opened the door and pulled you inside; and maybe you shouldn’t have, but you grabbed both his hands, holding them in a way that his forearms were close against your chest, maybe the weight would calm your heart down. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He moved his hands to the sides of your neck, his thumbs in the space under your ear, just under your jaw. Your hands held his wrists instead. “I don’t want to fight, I saw you and Rafe and I fucking– I saw my whole life without you and I didn’t want it.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry. I don’t want you sorry, don’t be sorry.” You brushed his hair away from his sticky forehead, “I should have listened better, I should thought about what you wanted. I just want to give you everything and the feeling that I couldn’t even give you a Saturday, I–”

“It’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have asked you to chose, I don’t want you to chose between my life or yours, ok? Pick yours everytime, don’t drag yourself down for me.”

“No, no. There’s no my life or your life. Not to me, right? There’s just ours.”

‘Our life.’

“I love you,” he had to say.

“I love you too, and I never want to do that again.”

“Do what?”

“I don’t want to not see you or hear from you for 3 days, and I don’t want to have to decipher your feelings, I want you to tell me the truth. Even if you think I won’t like it.”

“I can do that, I can do all of that.” He was trying to talk fast, the faster he talked the faster he could kiss you, kiss all the feelings he didn’t know how to tell you into you. 

He moved in but you moved your head back before his lips reached yours, “Wait.”

“What? What is it?”

“I need to know that you’re not gonna do that again, I need to really know.”

“I promise, I promise you, babe, anything you want.”

“But how do I know you’ll keep it?”

“I mean it.” He took your hands again. 

“But can you–”

“Every day, I’ll prove it every day.”

“You swear?”

“On my honor as a Pogue.”

“Hmm,” you leaned into his humor now that you knew he meant it.

“What? You doubt my honor?”

“Only a little.”

“Then I swear on John B’s life. If I ever ever make you feel like I don’t care about you or like you’re doing something wrong, I will personally deliver you his heart in my hand.”

“Ugh, so graphic!”

“How else will you know I mean it?”

You moved your hand up his arm and wrapped your arms around his neck, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

#jj maybank #jj mayback x reader #obx #jj maybank x kook!reader #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x you #jj maybank x y/n #jj x reader #obx fic #obx x reader #obx fanfiction #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank angst #angst #x reader angst #mara's fics

[lizaawinchester]

promise me, you wont decide for me

Title: you need to promise me

Word count: 1442

Description: After living with the boys for years and having a non official relationship with dean you finally decide to bring it up. His need to protect you has always stopped you from titling what it was you had together but after an easy hunt just you two and Miracle in your hometown the nostalgia reminds you of how much you want to be able to make your love for him public. but first he has to promise never to push you away just because he thinks you're better off without him (Post Chuck; (dean never died in my head)

tw- none

You were tired of leaving his bed after an amazing couple of hours together, sometimes only talking and watching movies, sometimes steamy sex only to sleep in a cold bed alone 2 rooms down. In a tired haze you wondered what he was thinking as you both fell asleep sharing an old creaky bed with the awful tv playing a random movie.

There were never any set rules with your arrangement but you never really talked about it. Just living together with Sam in the bunker meant that you had practically already been a couple. Everyone knew the feelings were mutual but it was never discussed. Small I love you’s were said occasionally and you two would cuddle up in private. Sharing your favorite movies and talking about everything from your wildly different childhoods to your worst memories. Eventually you started hooking up and that lead to where you were now. Alone together in your home state in nostalgic town for you. This area was memorable for you as a kid and when you saw that there was likely a Vamps nest nearby you had to come and get rid of it. After finishing late at night you and Dean decided to just keep the room an extra night to let Sam and Eileen have the bunker to themselves for one more day. You had come here with your family and made your best in this little town before your parents were possessed and killed by angels. Even in the freezing cold of February you remembered the good parts of having a somewhat normal childhood here and getting into hunting later in life, unlike the Winchester brothers.

That night you asked Dean if he was open to the idea of making it official, being back home made you remember the love you had always wished for and practically already had but were too afraid to admit. In his half asleep voice he admitted "I wish you were mine from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep." before falling asleep with you in his arms.  Slowly, knowing that his tired self was not up for much of a conversation you fell asleep too, thinking of how to possibly bring this up again on the long drive home tomorrow.

The next morning.

Taking miracle out to run around before your long drive back to the bunker you decided to get it out of the way hoping he even remembered the conversation from his half-asleep state

Staring at the rocky pathway you practically whispered, “So about what you said last night, did you really mean that”

D “of course." he said surprised you would even ask. "I mean I am ok with this sort of together but not really officially thing, but I mean it when I say I love you and I would rather have you officially be mine than be friends who have and are aware of their feelings”

“If were going to do this you need to promise me something.”

“Ok… “

“I make my own decisions for myself. I know what is best for me and you cant try and decide that”

“ok… I know that you can make your own choices. Where are you going with this”

“I need to know that one day when you are feeling shitty or when I am pissed off by something you’re not going to tell me to leave. If you ever tell me to go because you are bad for me, I will not come back”

“wait so you want me to promise that I will never end it, because I never plan on telling you to leave.”

“No. I am saying that you can never, I mean ever, try to tell me that I am better off without you or I deserve better than you. I deserve what I want and someone who loves me enough to see that. With jack in charge we control our own lives and that includes me too. I know you don’t see yourself the way that I do but I know that there is no one out there better for me.”

“Y/n.. ”

“No let me finish. If I thought you would do anything that would hurt me, I would not be here, living with you and sam. You are the kindest and most loving person I know. You let me sleep in your bed after having a panic attack and you make me feel safe. You are definitely the best sex I have I ever had plus you let me take all of the covers and because you know I get cold at night. You are the best person I could ever find for me and  If I thought that you were not what was best for me I would leave on my own.”

“what if I am not what is best for you”

 “then we should not be together at all. But that’s just it you are.

You stopped your walk grabbing his arm to turn him to look at you. “I need you to see that I want you and all of you. The good and the bad because if you want to be with me you have to love all of me the good and the bad.”

“I don’t think there is any bad”

“Then youre lying to yourself… or you don’t really know me” He practically glared at you as you said it.

“ Cmon you cant say that. I know you better than anyone, even sam. And I do love you, all of you”

“ok then if you love me you cannot wake up one day and decide that you think I deserve ‘better’ or deserve more. I don’t want to have ‘normal life’, especially not if it means I can’t have you. Living like this sucks sometimes but so does every life and I don’t want to leave the bad parts because it would mean leaving all of the good parts too.”

“ok I think I get what you mean. You’re really mean when you’re hungry but I wouldn’t change it because when I start making burgers you come up and hug me from behind”

A small laugh fell as you smiled up to him. Picking up the tennis ball Miracle dropped at your feet. You turned to throw it before looking back at him and said,

“So I need you to promise me that you will not make that choice FOR ME. You will not try to tell me that you are bad for me or I should leave because you think I would be better off. I would have asked months ago but you always try to protect me from everything and I will not lose you because one day you decide you need to protect me from you.”

 You looked at each other for a long second as the wind blew by your face. Your ears stung as the sharp air got under your hair and you shrugged your shoulders for the large coat to cover you.

“if you are ever going to end it, it will be because you want to, not because you are trying to protect me from something”

He looked down to you, and you squinted up blocking the sun coming from behind his head. He wrapped his arms around your waist pulling you in to his warmth, blocking out the wind for a moment of relief to the cold. You looked up and locked eyes as you held your arms to your chest protectively, unsure what he would say next.

“I promise you that I will never try to end this for your benefit. I will let you decide what is best for you. But I cannot promise that I will not protect you because hat I will always do.”

He pulled you in closer moving his arms up your back to pull your head into his chest and kiss the top of your head. Staying comfortably there for a second as you both lightly swayed with his heart beat. Letting go only when Miracle jumped on his knee and released you back to the cold to lean down and throw the ball to the water. Grabbing your hand walking along back to baby.

“I mean if you get tired of me or my hunger mood swings and that’s why you want me gone, I would understand”

“ok so I can break up with you, but only if you really piss me off.” Dean said sarcastically as he turned to meet your eyes already looking to him

“yeah and If you tell me to leave because you have decided its what its ‘best for me’” you said using your one hand for air quotes, “then I will chop off your head with a machete. I’ve beheaded plenty of monsters, you know I can do it”

 He smiled, laughing at your dark humor before switching from holding your hand to wrapping an arm around your shoulders “ok I promise I won’t tell you what’s best for you”

#supernatural #dean winchester #dean winchester imagines #dean winchester fluff #dean winchester imagine #dean!girl #dean x reader #spn #spnfandom #supernatural one shot #supernatural imagine #dean winchester one shot #dean x female reader

[thelonesomequeen]

Even weirder that HE's been spotted many times this whole time alone or w/Dodger, family & friends but nothing with her. // I’m struggling to think what “many” sightings are being referenced here? I can recall a few off-the-set solo sightings of him over the last year, but not many. Re: your similar point not spotting them in friends’ pictures or posts, can you think of any photos that his friends or family have posted this year which feature even just Chris (no Alba)? Cause I can’t.

On the other hand, there were alleged sightings made by a journalist in Lisbon in May, and a Twitter sighting of him in Vancouver in June, but these are often discounted because they don’t fit people’s theories. Tara followed Alba in late June and commented on one of her posts in July. Chris was filming from late August onward, and we know Alba was in ATL beginning in September because of the yoga course (as much as people will protest otherwise). Earlier in the year, we know her IG location was in the US for all of February / part of March. (Yes, I acknowledge knowing all this overkill. It’s why I take weeks-long breaks from Tumblr. 😆)

I dunno, I’m curious about examples of the holes you see in the timeIine cause I’m not seeing them tbh. The only one I can maybe see is Shanna’s wedding, but if I were in Alba’s shoes I might’ve sat that event out so as not to steal thunder. Imagine the fandom abuse Shanna could’ve gotten following such a joyful day, or the news articles a couple sighting might’ve spawned. I can see if they decided Shanna deserved not to have her day overshadowed that way.

Not trying to be combative at all, by the way. Y’all know I think the PR theory is bogus, but that doesn’t mean I’m the authority on the relationship timing. I’m genuinely trying to understand what others are seeing that I’m not.

There actually were a few photos of him in friend’s posts from this year where he is pictured and she isn’t there. But on the reverse side of that, I think these photos all came at the same time she was knowingly preoccupied with other things. Examples: Tara posted a photo with him from his LA home before The Gray Man premiere. His friend Chelsea posted a photo from a mutual friend’s wedding over the summer plus a golf outing. I think Scott’s boyfriend Steve also posted some cute photos from the Lightyear premiere to his story. I remember thinking it was sweet he was still invited along to join the family even though Scott couldn’t be there. But I believe all of those line up with the same time she was doing Mrs. Harris press?

I also think it’s entirely possible for her to had visited him while he was filming and go essentially undetected. I really don’t think she’s very recognizable to the public at all.

The only issue I have with the Vancouver sighting is that it apparently took place in a mall? Unless I’m confusing that with some other sighting. I just feel like if he was in such a public place that at least someone would have snapped a picture that would have ended up on twitter or something? It’s so hard to know when sightings are real or not anymore when there are so many trolls running around the fandom these days. I feel like I don’t remember the May Lisbon sighting at all, but I don’t doubt the sighting didn’t happen. So much has happened that it’s easy to lose track of. I was also doing a huge home renovation at the time, so I was only occasionally popping in to see what was going on, and I’m sure I missed things because of that.

I do think it makes sense that she didn’t attend his sister’s wedding if they were together. If anyone remembers, I actually played devil’s advocate back then and pointed out that it didn’t make sense for her to fly in when they wouldn’t be able to spend time together. He literally flew in for that weekend only and went right back to filming. He was also a part of the wedding party. Anyone who has been in a wedding party knows how busy you are the entire weekend. There really isn’t much time to spend with a significant other if they’re also not in the wedding party. It’s essentially only part of the reception and that’s it. If she had flown in, they barely would have had any time together that entire weekend between the festivities and returning back to set. So if they were together, I don’t find it odd that she didn’t go for that reason alone. But I also completely agree with you about not going to avoid stealing Shanna’s thunder. If she was there and had been spotted, it would have been articles galore about Chris and Alba. I just can’t see him being the type of person to steal the spotlight from Shanna on her big day like that.

Where I get a little stuck on things is the photo we received of her over the summer with another man. While it doesn’t prove she was dating that guy, it’s still pretty close for two people to be if one of them is in a relationship with someone else. I certainly wouldn’t be happy with my husband if he was wrapped around another woman that way. He’d have a lot of explaining to do 😂 that’s the one kink in the story I can’t really get past. It’s what makes me wonder if they only casually saw each other for a while before making things official? But that’s also a theory of mine that could be wrong. But long story short, late spring through summer is where I see potential holes in the relationship. But it could simply be explained away as them both being busy or us just not being entitled to see every moment they’ve spent together. I think that’s a concept a lot of fans tend to forget about. Just because we want to see them together, doesn’t mean we’re entitled to that.

For the most part, the longer this all lasts, the more I’m inclined to think it’s all real. Specially when she and her friend group pop up and it isn’t being used for PR in any type of way like this year’s NYE Vermont trip. People love to argue that “PR is for the fans to see, too!” but it’s really not. PR is for the public and it’s something that’s very blatantly obvious. You shouldn’t have to follow private accounts of friends, friend’s significant others, and whoever else in order to connect the dots of them being in the same location. I think there are a small handful of PR theories that make sense, but a majority of them are so out of this world I don’t even know what to say about it. I really don’t. I honestly wonder if people hear themselves sometimes. The idea that absolutely everything that happens is part of some elaborate conspiracy theory in order to control a narrative is a bit much for me, personally. That’s when I wish people would truly log off and spend some time in reality to hopefully be able to see some of this with clear eyes and an open mind. Or at least be able to hold respectful discussions about it all. And I also don’t negate the fact that this really could be both. A real relationship that will be used for PR when it suits one of them best. Anyway. This was super long and I feel like I’ve rambled on and on. Sorry! 😂🦎

[manysmallhands]

My Albums Of 2022 - Second Tier (pt. 1)

One of the problems that I had this year was that I heard about a half dozen albums in the first nine months of 2022, and was then inundated with new stuff from October onwards. This has meant that I’m aware of a lot more good albums that those that I’ve written about at length but I don’t know them well enough to have a lot to say on the subject. However, I think I can probably manage a round up of both the best new to me stuff, and a few that are great without quite being the best. Tumblr won’t let me put more than 10 links up in a post, so these will have to be split into two: this is January To June

February

Doe St’s slacker rock has plenty of obvious influences, with Pavement and fellow Aussies Chook Race both springing to mind. But their self titled debut was a great example of that thing in indie where someone takes the thing you think you’ve heard done to death and finds a way to make it feel fresh enough to go around again with. In this case, the tunes hit a perfect spot, the untrained harmonies have a lazy charm to them and the guitars have just the kind of scratchy restlessness that I like.

March

Aldous Harding’s forth LP “Warm Chris” was as warm and idiosyncratic as expected, but needed more effort than I was prepared to put in back in March. However, a few listens recently have brought its quality home to me: it’s earthier than 2019’s Designer but just as tuneful, and at its best when pursuing the stranger paths that seem to come to her so intuitively.

Denzel Curry branched out on Melt My Eyez, See Your Future, his most successful record to date, which veered between jazz based Robert Glasper collaborations and hard DnB beats with Slowthai, with plenty to go in-between. The whole thing pulled together in a way that was satisfying enough if slightly uneven, though Denzel's charm and punchy delivery were consistent features.

April

Pop-punk trio Joyride! returned after 6 years sounding exactly the same as they'd always done and, if Miracle Question didn’t quite reach the same heights of brilliance as their masterpiece Bodies Of Water, it followed a similar enough template in both style and quality to remind me why I love them all over again.

Sault released no less than five albums in 2022 (two of which were doubles) as well as an EP and a lengthy single and, to be honest, in the end I couldn't be arsed with it all. But there was plenty to admire if you could hold focus for long enough, with the choral soul crossover Air being the record I returned to the most, an album that combined elegance and joy with a genuine experimental flair. 

May

Black Star returned for the first time in over 20 years and released their album on a paid-for podcasting platform, in a move that I'm going to call dumb. But in spite of all that, No Fear Of Time turned out to be an absolute belter: Bey and Kweli brought some typically insightful politics to the project and the rhymes hit hard alongside Madlib’s disjointed and occasionally soulful beats. 

Warpaint shed some of their angst on the sun-kissed Radiate Like This album, working with a soulful, feminine vibe that made for perhaps the most listenable record they’ve ever released. While the lyrics at times left something to be desired, there was enough elegance and beauty to feel like it marked a welcome step forward.

June

Yaya Bey’s second album, Remember Your North Star was a surprisingly unusual proposition: while there was clearly a more straightforward neo-soul record hiding somewhere in its coattails, almost as big an accent was placed on ambient experiments as the introspective funk pop at its heart. Either way, North Star's sheer quality and unexpectedness made it one of the most intriguing and enjoyable albums that I heard this year.

Part two coming up when i can get it together. In the meantime, why not read some long-ass reviews of my ten favourite records of 2022!

#Doe St #Aldous Harding #Denzel Curry #Joyride! #Sault #Black Star #Warpaint #Yaya Bey #Albums Of The Year #Albums Of 2022 #Pop Music #Indie Rock #Hip-hop #Rap #Neo-Soul #Ambient #Neo-Classical

[adultswim2021]

Saul of the Mole Men #2: “Blood Is Thicker than Walter” | February 19, 2007 - 12:00AM | S01E02

Goddamnit, I just straight up do NOT want to talk about this. I watched it on my lunch break so I could knock out an “easy” write-up later in the evening. I guess this could be easy. But this show… it is torturous. Just bad stuff all around, except for a few bits here and there. And even then! I hate thinking about this shit!

So, in this one, the king (whom Saul stabbed in the head with an antenna) is now in the hospital. He will survive his injuries, but only if the antenna is not removed, staying lodged in his brain indefinitely. Meanwhile, Saul decides to knock out and saw off the hide of one of the Mole Men so he can pretend to be one and infiltrate them. He steals the skin from a guy named Walter and is immediately corralled into his terrible job and a terrible marriage and beaten to a pulp by some Mole Men that he owed money to.

When Saul lands in the hospital he takes the chance to try and pull the antenna out of the king’s head at the urging of one of his son’s who is next in line to succeed him. He’s been plotting his father’s demise. Saul can’t get the antenna out, but drags the king out of bed to try and attach it to a radio and contact Strata headquarters. Saul gets caught absconding with the king. Also, there’s an explosion at the end. I forget why. There’s also a song by Johnny Tambourine, which isn’t that good! But this part yields the only good line in the show, when Saul calls his music like “corn ball pap” and voices his preference for Doo-wop. 

The show continues to make it’s main joke that stuff is crappy and scenes go on too long. It’s not as fun for us to watch as they think it is. It is just nasty. You really could edit these puppies down to like 5 minutes each and not feel like you’re missing anything. So much of the show is pointless, and a lot of that is “the joke”, but this show is just the product of people lying to themselves that what they are doing is good, or fun to watch, or “for stoners”. It’s unbearable. 

Okay, I’ll trash Jonah Ray. Jonah Ray’s name is in the credits of this, and I believe he only plays the BODY of certain Mole Men. Back when this is on we both posted on a message board and he’d occasionally plug various projects, like his Super Deluxe series “The Freeloader’s Guide to Easy Living” and “Jonah Ray’s Bar-B-Quay”. Jonah Ray’s whole vibe was “unremarkable hipster”, back when the word “hipster” was only a derisive way to explain about a dude you knew that sucked. Now it is a word moms use to describe any young person who wears glasses.

Jonah Ray sorta sucked. His humor was fairly basic and rooted in being a party dude. He just wanted to let everyone know that he has sex. I saw him do stand-up once and his big bit was that he did a crowd work thing where he shot down suggestions on the best way to kill a zombie. The punchline was just regurgitating a thing that was in some book about zombies. The guy who yelled out his answer mentioned the book, and Jonah confirmed it as if it was all part of the plan: to steal comedy bits from a book to do crowd work. Some of the most profoundly terrible stand-up I have ever heard. But he made a career out of being a guy who’s good to party with and talk about cool music with, and levied it into trying to be cute on stage and get girls to make out with him.

My point is, this was one of many projects he was involved in that was a real flash-in-the-pan. But he’d promote stuff on this message board we both posted on and people on there would nicely encourage him. I remember him promoting this, despite just being a body on it, and he used the phrase “it goes deeper than you think”. I bailed on the show midway through, and him saying that might’ve been the thing that pushed me off the fence. There was simply no way it could be as good as he claims.

Now he’s literally hosting new seasons of ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS OF ALL TIME: Mystery Science Theater 3000. What the FUCK? You can not IMAGINE how awful I felt when they announced the cast and I saw a guy I legitimately despised was being groomed to be the new Joel. For the record: I DO NOT HATE JONAH RAY ANYMORE, and consider my distaste for him to be shallow and unimportant. He seems like he’s matured and I like him fine now. I should have DM’d him and been like ‘wuzup dude let’s be buds!”. I coulda been the new Crow. Jonah Ray would have been so good to me - he is an expert in being pals with people, probably. But I had to be the snob that I thought he was. As Joel would say, Oh, wow.

EPHEMERA CORNER

Saul of the Mole Men (Pilot - 2005)

Hey! Look! The Saul of the Mole Men pilot has been sitting there on Vimeo for a fucking decade! How about that! It’s appropriate to add to this post because the pilot originally had the conceit that we were watching episode two of this series. You’ll recognize bits and pieces that were reused later on, maybe. Or, maybe you won’t actually watch it. You shouldn’t! It’s not that good!

MAIL BAG

I liked Wanderlust but looking back at it most of the gags on the show are just as awful and broad as anything on the Man Show. I think a lot of the charm came from Gardner himself who would just be funny playing the character. A key example is thinking it was funny how he sat next to an Oscar Wilde statue in the Ireland episode but then the gag being him falling to some shitty stock sound effects spoiling the moment. Saul being more scripted means he's even more at the mercy of the writers. Bad

The charm of The Man Show was women with big old blobs on their chest and Wanderlust is giving us a freaking statue of a DUDE?? what the hell is that

Seeing these two shows back to back as a Cartoon Network fan made me seethe. I'm grown up now and know better, but I really pissed about this. I remember yelling to my friend, "WHY DONT THEY JUST GO ON COMEDY CENTRAL". lmao

lol that rules. I love screaming at stuff and getting pissed off. and drivers. Other drivers on the road. And hitting the steering wheel and getting blood everywhere. I love stuff like that

mattpanreblogsstuff wrties:

Honestly I'm more okay with live-action on Adult Swim, if it fits in line with all the experimental cartoons they air then what's the problem? I can't bring myself to dislike Tim and Eric. Live-action on Cartoon Network proper really did feel like sacrilege though, I'd have to change the channel to Boomerang as a kid when CN Real happened.

CN Real was definitely after my time (or at least I was so dialed in on DVRing shows I liked that I didn’t notice trends like that taking over), but I do remember there being moments where I’d notice a live-action movie on the program guide for Cartoon Network and being like “wait whhuuuuuut?” Nasty! It sorta reminds me of when VH1 started showing like, Married... With Children. Is nothing sacred?

Besides Adult Swim (and Cartoon Network) what are your Top 5 Television Channels of all time

Oh, now this is nice. Here’s the five that come to mind, not ranked:

Comedy Central: MST3K, KITH, South Park, UCB, SWC, so many formative comedy favorites, YOW)

USA Network: good place for sleazy programming and tacky 90s shit)

MTV: Weird combo of genuinely ground-breaking/risk-taking programming and terrible trend-chasing bullshit. People tend to focus on the later and wear hating MTV as a badge of pride. But man, it’s all worth it for Beavis and Butt-head.

Fox: The only network with bite. OUCH! (NO TWITTER THREAD SORRY I WAS PLANNING ONE BUT NEVER DID IT)

Nick: Oh yeah, lotta good childhood memories on this one, and some shows that are genuinely great and stand the test of time. It was also a very important source for original Looney Tunes, and I LOVED Nick @ Nite as a kid (which I’m lumping in with Nick). Nick Junior though can go to hell. Disgusting. I’m a grown man. Fuck off with that shit.

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #saul of the mole men

[jaynosurname]

2024 Media Thread 17-25 (February-March)

I got busy and forgot to make separate posts for these. To avoid spamming your feeds I decided to just squish them all into a single post.

(17) Dungeons and Dragons Honor Among Thieves

This movie is way better than it had any right to be. The comedy is great, and it feels like a DND session made into a movie. The characters solve problems in very unconventional ways that make it feel authentic.

4/5

(18) Demon Slayer: To the Hashira Training

I had no idea that this was actually a recap film, disguised as new content. So, I was very confused, when they dedicated the first couple of minutes to play fucking AMVs to summarize the previous seasons. And then they played the last episode of Swordsmith Village story arc, which was a double-length episode. You only get the new content at the very end, which was enjoyable, but I wished I didn't have to sit through all that recap.

2/5

(19) Ratatouille (Rewatch)

Every time I rewatch this movie, I love it even more.

5/5

(20) Yakuza Kiwami

So, I remember not enjoying this series' Combat in 0, but I think it finally clicked with me in this one, and because of that I enjoyed this game a lot more. Also, the "Majima is Everywhere" system is amazing. I always battled him whenever I got the chance.

The story in this one is weaker than 0, but I still enjoyed it. The stuff with Nishiki was great. Honestly, I think the main issue with this game's plot, is that it just stops occasionally. There was an entire chapter where literally nothing happened. It sucks because I was invested in the story, but they throw you into what's essentially a substory.

But the good stuff was great, and I'm excited to check out the sequel at some point.

4/5

(21) The Amazing Spiderman

Andrew Garfield is my favorite Spiderman now. He and Gwen carried this mid movie on their backs.

3/5

(22) John Mulaney: New in Town (Rewatch)

This never gets old.

5/5

(23) John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (Rewatch)

The final joke is probably the best bit John Mulaney has ever written. It just keeps going, and then the punchline makes me lose it.

5/5

(24) The Amazing Spider-Man 2

This movie is so close to being good it hurts. I WANT TO LIKE YOU BECAUSE SOME STUFF HERE IS REALLY AMAZING, BUT GOD THERE IS SO MUCH GARBAGE.

2/5

(25) Touhou Embodiment of a Scarlet Devil

Not being able to see your hitbox SUUUUUUUCKS

But yeah, I finally played a mainline Touhou game. I finally escaped the curse of being a Touhou fan who hasn't played any of the games.

#2024 media thread

[theninjasanctuary]

I'm still getting Tumblr glitches, as in, the end-of-year post I saved in drafts is nowhere to be found in the browser version, which is where I wrote and saved it, but is there on the app. Ehh.

Well, this one did not feel like a year where anything significant happened. Which I suppose is a way of saying I've had a decent enough year? As in, the world continues to burn, but I don't recall anything officially bad happening to me, despite all the whining and strong language I did in my posts. Nobody died, I'm gainfully employed and mostly bamboozling people that I can keep up. Looking at what I wrote to summarize the previous year, this one's been a breeze. Even though when I re-read what I've been posting this year - and I don't actually remember half of it -, it seems at least in the winter and spring, I wasn't having a great time between sleep deprivation, money woes and raising a sweet, but messy and needy cat; and from the summer onwards have not updated much at all, always complaining about stress. Well, for one thing, it is obvious I should reduce time spent on Reddit so there's more of it for everything else...

In no particular order: this was surely a better year from the health perspective. The last time I was ill was an annoying cold in early-to-mid February, where I actually needed antibiotics again because I tested positive for lung chlamydia, and have been generally just fine ever since, a welcome break after all the ailments 2022 threw at me. The achy wrist is still there and annoying, but I'm hoping it is fixable with the new treatment plan. And the toe I stubbed really bad in early September is still not a pretty sight, but in early December I finally started seeing a healthy pink regrowth emerge from under the cuticle, so the purple bruised part might finally be gone by, idk, April?

Could have used more exercise, as always, but I kept up with massage therapy and tried to keep up with physio appointments at least (there were some unintended breaks). And I've made some improvements about keeping my cholesterol level in check, and feel good about the new GP.

The cat is indeed no longer a kitten, but has grown into a fine adult, he's 1,5 years old now, weighs close to 6 kilos and is a pretty, floofy, bright boy with a friendly, curious personality. It has been expensive (getting all.the.things from zero, plus medical costs, plus food), and takes up loads of time, he nearly always delays bedtime so I lose sleep, and I've had to wash all the rugs, even replacing one with one that's easier to clean, because he either puked on them (his tummy is a bit sensitive apparently), or used the texture to scoot dingleberries off his floofy butt. Ehh. I'm now a lot less squeamish about cat poop, and since we are trying to keep his butt hair at least somewhat trimmed (despite resistance), there are fewer accidents, and he's learned to tolerate the occasional butt showers without clawing.

He's also grown less bitey when playing, and is still positive and confident, not holding any grudges. His favourite treat is freshly boiled egg (quail or chicken will both do, and he likes his portion slightly warm). He does not enjoy getting brushed all that much, but we keep a Furminator handy for quick swipes, because otherwise every damn thing is covered with cat hair, and the floors develop hefty, dark grey dust bunnies. Beyond demanding before-bedtime treats and play, he mostly lets us sleep without interrupting, as he's not particularly food-motivated, just gets impatient waiting for his morning cuddles sometimes. He only slept in our bed for a few weeks as a baby, initially between our pillows, then moved towards the end of the bed, but then decided he needs more space, and now sleeps where he feels like - sometimes on a chair in our room, sometimes under the bed, sometimes in whichever comfy spot elsewhere he prefers that night. I sometimes wish he was more of a snuggler, tbh, since he's so nice and soft with big plushie vibes. He does come asking that I pick him up for a cuddle and purr session when I get out of bed, or come home from wherever I've been, or sometimes before bedtime as well, and occasionally he'll have a cuddly kind of mood all day long, but overall, he's not a lap cat. Still, I lift and carry him around often enough that it might be contributing to my wrist issues. (Typical De Quervain's syndrome sufferers are mothers with young children.)

Work-wise, I've been feeling like a failure all year, despite actually getting at least some things done by winging it, and I feel I've been growing and learning with the new tasks I've had. Even so though, there's loads of guilt and stress, and I've often struggled with an irrational urge to avoid looking at my emails. It's not even that the workload is that much, it all boils down to my inability to focus. And I still haven't gotten any professional help with that, because my ability to go looking is limited (because I'm busy either stressing about work or procrastinating). And I still haven't seen an optometrist either, despite it being on the to-do-list since spring.

Can't say I've kept up on the home front that great either. My cleaning standards are slipping, particularly when it comes to dusting. There are just way too many things. And the inability to focus bleeds over to chores, things take way too long to get done or are delayed endlessly. I wish I could fix this. OTL

I keep procrastinating by browsing second-hand stores a lot. Made a switch to Sellpy as the first choice this year, since Momox changed their pricing policy and now Sellpy has the better deals as well as cheaper and easier shipping/returns, despite never having discount codes like Momox does. As for the score of items purchased, there were wins and losses, I did manage to get a few stellar items I wear a lot, but also returned lots of complete duds, either things that unfortunately didn't fit, or things I should not have expected to work in the first place, I guess. And I certainly kept a few items I don't use as much... if ever, as remains to be seen.

I see it would be better to tone this habit down to save both time and money, but since the shopping urges are at least partly hormonal, I cannot count on consistently making rational decisions. At least I'm not experimenting much with skincare at this point, mostly sticking to repurchasing staples. It still gets a bit expensive even so, and it has to be said that I've had an annoying amount of acne and picking issues this year despite keeping up with an elaborate skincare routine. All of this to be filed under *shit I still don't know how to fix*.

The travelling I managed this year was pretty nice in hindsight, a week in France at the end of January, then another in mid-August, then a weekend trip to Brussels, and an overnight in Helsinki to see a great live. I wish I could do more of this without financial stress, and worrying about leaving the cat (he's not taking separation super-hard, but still). The trip to Japan with friends we could not afford to take was a bit of a shitshow, btw: scorching temperatures, then a typhoon and then return flight cancellation, so stuck at the airport for 2 days before eventually getting rerouted.

Socializing: I think I did better than last year in this respect, I finally was in the mood for, and had the opportunity to throw a proper birthday garden party for myself, which was lovely. Additional meet-ups happened too, even if it would have been fun to have more. And having the cool coworker back at the office has been good, as expected. Now if I'd manage to actually get work done in reasonable hours, and feel good enough about my work output to warrant taking the time for fun, including hanging out with people, it would be even better.

Family: things are good with the boyf and most of the family, but I am stressed about big brother, his wife, and mom's will. Idk how any of this will be resolved. Ideally, I'd just buy the things I want from mom before inheritance ever becomes an issue, thus preventing any dividing issues, but I'd need to win the lottery beforehand...

I managed to do more gardening at mom's over the summer, which was rather nice. The summer wasn't as stressful climate-wise as feared, it was very dry in June, but enough rain from there onwards, and not too hot (I didn't get round to buying a mobile air conditioner nor heat-reflecting blinds, nor Birkenstocks, so this was very welcome). Still sad about losing a major feature of the entire garden, the big maple tree. Hoping to plant a replacement in the spring.

My aims for the next year involve being more responsible about money. It would be ridiculous to end up short on funds again when I'll be earning more than ever. The plan is to put more into the index fund retirement scheme, and I've started an automatic saving scheme as well (it rounds up all the card payments to 1 € up + I've added a monthly lump payment). I do hope to finally calm down about wardrobe upgrades, since I already have so much fabulous, joy-sparking stuff, and instead improve fitness a bit, so things will look better on me. I should definitely get more exercise anyway, and get some sort of a cheapish sports watch might be good. And I need to eat less sugar, and it would be good to get back to 8/16.

It also looks like 2024 will be one of the hardest work years of my life, and I have to manage to pull it all off for things to be easier in the future. It would be good if I just read books in my downtime instead of procrastinating on social media. Work guilt has meant very little reading just for fun this year, and that's not the kind of person I want to be.

As for what to look forward to, I will travel to France again in a few weeks, and probably to New York in June.

[genderqueerpositivity]

February 13th, 2022 -> 11 months on testosterone

I haven't done a single side-by-side photo comparison in the past 11 months. I haven't felt the need to, but I'm beginning to be curious? I may do this for myself at one year. I've tried to stop impatiently looking for changes, and I've definitely tried to stop comparing myself to other people's transition timelines online. When I do try to compare my self to others, I've found that comparison really is the thief of joy.

Mostly when I look in the mirror I just see me, a little more hairy and with a little more acne. My hairline is a little different, and maybe my hair is a little thinner at the front around my forehead.

But I don't see any major differences. At the same time, my neurodivergent ass has no actual memory of what I used to look like. I know that I didn't always have this hair on my belly but I am literally incapable of remembering what my body looked like without it. There's no mental picture that goes along with the memory. Which is cool honestly, but also I think this contributes to me feeling like I haven't seen many effects from testosterone.

I also stopped using the voice pitch analyzer app months ago. I no longer have any of the recordings I made of my voice week one and in the early months because I lost everything on my phone last year. So I really don't have much to compare to except the screenshots from the voice app that I posted on this blog.

I know that I sound different and I enjoy the change. I like my voice now. I disliked my voice pre-T and I absolutely hated hearing my voice recorded. The first memory I have of that was being in a video in sixth grade at school (so on an actual video tape) and crying after we watched the video together as a class. I specifically remember not recognizing the voice in that video as my own. I don't know if I was really aware of what I sounded like to other people before that? But after that I always carried that feeling of not recognizing or owning the voice that came out of my own mouth. I avoided being recorded, hated giving speeches, hated talking on the phone, would never sing in front of anyone willingly again.

I grew up being made fun of for the way that I spoke. I remember being asked where I was from many times, all the way through school and into college, even though I had lived in the same town for all of my life (minus the first few weeks after I was born) up to that point. I was born in an Appalachian state and somehow ended up with a very strong accent in spite of living there a very short time; even my parents occasionally still tell funny stories about not being able to understand what the fuck I was saying as a kid.

Being uncomfortable with the sound of ones own voice is a terrible thing; while I like the sound and depth of my voice now, I'm still working on liking the way I speak. Testosterone has eased the gender dysphoria. Having moved to Appalachia a few years ago, people now ask me which local high school I went to and are surprised when I say that I didn't grow up here. But I'm still working on being okay with the way that I speak and use words, and with echolalia and my vocal stims. Trying to sound neurotypical is unfortunately necessary at times, but I'm never going to be "good" at that, you know?

I've spent almost a year medically transitioning in plain sight but also in secret. It's been weird and rewarding. I feel a great deal of ownership over my own body--this is mine to do what I choose with. Only telling the few people in my life who I know will be 100% supportive has given me the space to figure out my own feelings and enjoy the process of transitioning--without having to deal with the confusion or hatred that would inevitably come if I told those who I know wouldn't be fully supportive.

Honestly, at first keeping this mostly to myself felt dishonest. Now it feels necessary. I'm protecting myself and ensuring I have a good experience transitioning and good memories of the process. People who wouldn't be supportive don't deserve to know or be involved, no one is entitled to this part of my life. This is my body, my decision, my transition, my future.

Maybe it's odd, but the less physical dysphoria I have, the less social dysphoria I have. It matters less if you don't believe that I'm trans because I know that I am. I still want to change my name once I've found my middle name. I still wish that I could count on my pronouns being respected all the time. But someone else being wrong about who I am doesn't change who I am. And anyway, existing in this weird space between the binary genders isn't entirely uncomfortable to me?

One thing testosterone therapy has done is make me more certain that medically transitioning is right for me. I'm not really sure where to begin with the process of top surgery or hysterectomy, but I'll be working on it. Within the next year I'm working on changing several things in my life, so we'll see what happens.

#hrt journal #op #personal #medical tw #genderqueer #gendervague #transmasculine

[cloverthirteen]

Was Ace Attorney made as a satire on Japan’s legal system? -- An analysis

I wouldn’t really call myself an Ace Attorney fan--I’ve never played any of the games, the closest I’ve come being watching other people’s let’s plays. I do like reading about the series on wikis and interacting with fan content for it, though, so I do know a fair amount about it.

One thing I see being said pretty often by fans is that the series was intended as a satire/parody of the Japanese legal system, which is why the courts are ridiculously biased towards the prosecution, prosecutors often care more about perfect win records more than putting actual guilty people behind bars, etc. If you’re familiar with this, you’ve probably heard of Japan’s 99% conviction rate. This interpretation of the games and the way they work definitely makes sense.

But after hearing this many times I eventually noticed something. There isn’t a single actual source (creator statement, interview, etc.) that backs up this claim. Every time I see someone online say “the series creator made Ace Attorney to parody Japan’s actual legal system” there is never a link to an interview or anything that proves their statement correct. If someone has an actual, verified source from Shu Takumi or someone else who had significant involvement with the series, please prove me wrong and show it to me. But according to all of the creator’s statement’s I’ve read, there’s no evidence of the series being an intentional parody.

So, what do we know about the creation of the Ace Attorney series? Well, it was created by Shu Takumi, who wrote and directed the first three games. After working on the dinosaur survival horror game Dino Crisis for Capcom, he was given the opportunity to make any kind of game he wanted. He really wanted to make mystery and adventure games, and from that came Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.

MC: Before developing Ace Attorney you worked on Dino Crisis. How does one go from dinosaur survival horror to virtual courtrooms?

ST: Dino Crisis was the brainchild of my then boss, Resident Evil creator, Shinji Mikami. Working on his projects taught me not only how to make games, but also how to think about them. After Dino Crisis 2 wrapped, Mr Mikami gave me six months in which to create any kind of game I wanted.

I was still pretty wet behind the ears, but as I'd originally joined Capcom with a desire to create mystery and adventure games, this was a huge chance for me to make my mark as a creator. In the end it took a team of seven 10 months to produce the first GBA Ace Attorney title. Having the freedom to create exactly the kind of game I wanted was amazing and it was a real pleasure to work on that project.

MC: Can you remember when the idea of Ace Attorney first came to you? How did your bosses respond to the idea of a lawyer-based adventure game when you first described it to them?

ST: It was in 2000 when Mr Mikami said I could make my own game and my original idea was a fairly typical adventure with a detective as the main character. Most mystery adventures have the player choose from a number of different dialogue options for their character in order to progress the story, but I wanted a new gameplay style that enabled players to deduce for themselves what was happening, rather than just selecting canned responses. I developed this into the concept of facing off against the suspect in a crime and exposing the contradictions in their statements.

I was sure my new idea would be a fun and original take on the genre, so I started to revise the main character, since a detective would be too traditional for such an original concept. I asked myself, "What kind of professional would face off against a suspect and expose their contradictory statements?" The answer, of course, was a lawyer and so the Ace Attorney concept was born.

(source, from an interview on the making of the series)

Takumi’s original concept for the game involved Phoenix as not a defense lawyer, but as a detective. The gameplay was to consist of “facing off against the suspect of a crime and finding the contradictions in their statements.” However, Takumi eventually realized that taking apart contradictions wasn’t really a detective’s job, and decided to change the protagonist to a lawyer and the setting to a courtroom instead. And thus, the game’s concept was finalized.

Janet: As you know, “Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy” is coming out world-wide this winter, and as I was brainstorming what to write about for this week’s blog, I remembered your tweets from 2010.

Takumi: Tweets from 2010?

Janet: …Well, it was a long time ago…

Takumi: ???

Janet: I-It’s OK if you don’t remember…

Takumi: …Oh, THOSE! Yes!

Janet: I remember reading them and being shocked by how different the original draft of the game’s story was – how Phoenix wasn’t even a lawyer, but a private eye!

Takumi: Yes, AA was originally supposed to be a detective game, so naturally, Phoenix was to be a private eye. But then, one day, I made a startling realization: the gameplay concept I was going for was for players to enjoy finding and taking contradictions apart, but that was hardly related to investigating or detective work at all. In that moment, I had it – I realized that the main setting for the game should be the courtroom.

Janet: That’s quite the jump, but you know, I can’t imagine this series being anything else at this point. 

(source, from an interview by Janet Hsu about the game’s early development)

During the development for the game, Takumi actually knew very little about the intricacies of the legal system--and in fact, he’s been very transparent about that fact in interviews. There’s even a story he talks about in a blog post where he was asked “shouldn’t we do some research on law before we make this game?” and agonized over it for a bit before deciding that being accurate about courtroom processes wasn’t important--what was important was that the game made the trials exciting and fun.

November, 2000. The characters were coming together, and I was working desperately on my first scenario (the current Turnabout Sisters). One day, I was asked about the one thing I didn’t want to be asked about.

“Mr. Takumi. Don’t we need to do some research on law?”

The knowledge I have about the law, pretty amounts to the one fact that in Japan we have the Roppō Zensho ('Complete Book of The Six Major Legal Codes').

“Don’t bother with that. This is a detective game. “

It should have been over with this one line, but…

“But this isn’t a detective game, it’s a lawyer game!”

“If it’s not going to be realistic, I don’t see why this should be about trials.”

“People who play this might get wrong knowledge from the game!”

“We might get sued by the Bar Association!”

“They’ll start complaining!”

…Gyakuten Saiban (Ace Attorney GBA) is simply a “mystery game.”　“Being realistic” is not what is important. What’s important is emphasizing, and recreating the unique “atmosphere” and “tension” of the courtroom. That is why the judge uses a gavel, even though no judge uses that, and why Naruhodō shouts "Objection!" even though nobody does that either.　This game does not need a “realistic courtroom”!

Chasing the true murderer down to the end, and then getting applauded for that in the courtroom. That feeling of thrill and excitement. It was only by February of the following year when we finally manage to recreate that in the game. The couple of months after this had happened, we looked around, got lost and troubled our minds in search for the answer of the big question of “How do we make a trial into a game?”.  Fall was passing by, and the cold winter was close upon us.

(source, from an archived blog post by Takumi)

So, realism and knowledge of law wasn’t important to Takumi during the development of the series. But there’s also the fact that Takumi has actually personally denied that the Ace Attorney series was an intentional satire or criticism of the court system at any point. In fact, according to a blog post (done as if Phoenix and Maya were reading the column and commenting on it), he actually dislikes people seeing his work this way, as he never intended the games to have any big political statements.

A major prerequisite for Gyakuten Saiban is it’s so simple “even my mother could play it”.  So there is only one point at the core of the game: “Seeing through lies”.

Naruhodō: It wasn’t even supposed to be a game about the trials at first. Mayoi: Eh! Really?! Naruhodō: “Simple” is basically all this game is about, according to TakuShū. Mayoi: What do you mean? Naruhodō: He didn’t want to add all kinds of elements for the player to think about, like alibis, tricks or about the culprit. It’d just confuse them. Mayoi: Really. Naruhodō: Basically, you can proceed in the game if you just think about where the contradiction is. He figured that with that, the controls of the game could also stay simple. Mayoi: But, but, why the trials then? Naruhodō: “A story about a detective seeing through lies” wouldn’t be any different from the other games out there. So that’s why he decided to have someone whose job is seeing through lies as the protagonist. Mayoi: So a defense attorney. Naruhodō: Occasionally  TakuShū sees magazines introducing the game as “a work that dared to take on the theme of trials”, and that actually hurts him. Mayoi: He never meant to be something as big as that…. 

(source, from the mentioned blog post)

Ultimately I see how easy it is, if you know a good amount about both Ace Attorney and Japan’s legal system, to come to the conclusion that the games were made as a dig against the latter. However, somewhere along the line, people apparently stopped seeing this as merely a theory and instead as a definite fact. Now, that doesn’t mean that the theory is entirely unfounded--given that Takumi focused only on making trials interesting and fun in the games, you could say that the games work as an light, comedic parody, not meant to make any political statements. And hey, maybe there’s something I missed--maybe there were other people working on the series who did have significant knowledge of law and wrote some parts of the games as intentional satire of the system. Again, if anyone has evidence of this, don’t hesitate to provide it. But with what I know, I don’t think going “well actually” to people who point out the ridiculousness and unfairness of Ace Attorney’s court system is necessary. It’s simply that way to make the games more fun.

#ace attorney #phoenix wright #this was actually kind of fun to research and write! #kinda felt like i was making a statement in a courtroom...

[lovingrosewho]

Valentine’s Day

Hello there! I know I’m a bit late to the Valentine’s Day theme, but I hope this is something you can enjoy anytime :-) Usual disclaimers, English is not my first language, any feedback is welcome, etc. <3 Also, this is my first Destiel related fic :-D

ONE SHOT

Pairing: Destiel x Reader

Rating: T.- fluff

Word count: 1.2k+

Summary: Dean and Castiel try to cheer you up on Valentine’s Day

Warnings: mentions of solo-masturbation and sex toys, drunk reader

Another February 14th. Another Valentine’s Day you would spend alone, sad, and probably drunk.

You had gotten up early, decided on not to let the holiday sour it for you and made a neat list of self-love stuff you could do, from getting your favorite takeout food, to a spa day at home, to masturbating with your favorite sex toy. Accompanied by, of course, a bottle of pink wine.

The agenda was going great until you started actually seeing people with their loved ones on the streets, and even the pictures your friends posted made you grunt a little, feeling left out. Ever since you could remember, February 14th had been a whole mess for you, every year you had spent it either asleep or crying, and if that wasn’t the case, something always went wrong.

You opened the bottle of wine with a sigh and poured yourself a glass just to feel fancy, whilst you watched your favorite show and ate a burger from that fast food place you loved, until the doorbell rang. With a snarl, you got up from your spot and went to attend the door. To your very surprise, a smiling Castiel and Dean greet you from the other side.

“Uh... hello guys” you say unsure, noticing the beer and pie they have in their hands “What, uh... what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be doing... I don’t know, couples stuff? I mean, it’s Valentine’s Day”.

“We called you like three times and you weren’t picking up” Castiel explains “Then Dean remembered, you don’t like this holiday”.

“That’s why we figured we’d pay you a visit, come on now, we brought beer!” Dean says excited, pushing you aside and getting inside your house before you even being able to stop him, Castiel just shakes his head and gives you an apologetic smile.

“Guys this is very sweet of you but you shouldn’t have bothered” you tell them closing the door behind you “I’m fine, really, I have the whole day planned”.

Dean turns around to look at you and points at all the mess that’s going on in your bedroom.

“This is your ‘whole day planned’, sweetheart? Junk food and getting wasted all by yourself? Nuh-uh, not on my watch” Dean declares, putting aside everything you had at your bed and jumping on it “Come here, what were you watching?”

Castiel walks slowly towards the bed and gently sits next to Dean, slightly stroking his hair as he scrolls through the channels.

You can’t but let out a low grunt. It’s not that you don’t like to see them together, you do, a lot, it makes your heart and your stomach flutter, but on Valentine’s Day? Being the third wheel was not on your plans.

“Dean” you speak harshly, which causes the both of them to snap their head at you “I appreciate you guys coming all the way here, but really, I’m fine, and besides...”

“Besides what?” Dean asks when you stop dry from pronouncing the next words.

“Besides, I don’t want to be the third wheel” you finally say with a sigh. They blink a few times until the Winchester nods in agreement.

“You are not the third wheel (Y/N)” Castiel says softly.

“That’s right” Dean coincides “C’mere, we’ll scoot over, you’ll be in the middle”.

You sigh again, frankly uncomfortable with the whole situation, but knowing Dean won’t give up until you do as he says.

You curl up to Dean and Cas in the small bed, both hugging you tightly and intertwining hands with each other as they do so, with the occasional peck on your cheek from one of them, or a caress in your hair or your arm, as you keep watching whatever is on the screen, taking turns to put an episode of something you like, but of course, Castiel gives up all his turns to you or Dean, not really caring about what to watch, he just enjoys the sight of Dean fighting you for the remote and you laughing.

After a few hours, lots of beer, laughs and you finishing the pink wine all by yourself, you’re in a much happier mood than you were earlier.

“Guys, okay, this was fun but...” you say standing up from the bed, the room spinning “You should go, ‘cause I’ll probably throw up and go to sleep. In that order”.

Castiel and Dean chuckle.

“(Y/N) we’re not leaving you like this, are you crazy?” Dean questions, amused by your dizziness “You could pass out and end up in a coma for all we know”.

You roll your eyes, about to throw another witty comment when the vomit strikes you and you need to breath deeply so you don’t puke... well, on them.

“Excuse me” you manage to say, directing to the bathroom. Dean chuckles again and makes Castiel a sign to follow you closely, so he does.

Castiel follows you, which you don’t notice until you’re kneeling in front of the toilet, too busy to care that he’s watching you in this state.

“Allow me” he says, getting your hair up in a ponytail, holding it in place for you as you let out the last slices of pie.

“Thank you Cas” you say when you’re finished. He hands you your tooth brush and the paste.

“May I?” he asks raising a hand to press it at your forehead, you nod and when you do, he makes the dizziness diminish.

“Thank you” you say again, giving him a slight peck on the cheek which he receives with a grin.

“Hey, hey, hey lady!” Dean’s voice startles you “That’s private property you’re trespassing!”

You laugh and Castiel rolls his eyes at Dean, taking his hand and pecking his lips.

“That’s better” Dean hums.

After that, they help you get ready for bed, tucking you into the covers and heading to the couch to get some sleep themselves. Well, Dean, anyways.

When you wake up, you feel your head drilling, the sunlight sneaking from the closed curtains hurting your eyes and the horrible taste of vomit still in your tongue, even though you washed your teeth twice.

“Damn it” you mutter walking towards the kitchen to get an aspirin and some water for the dehydration.

“Good morning sunshine!” Dean’s loud voice annoys you, he’s just wearing his boxers and his t-shirt, so is Castiel. They’re both standing in front of the dining table, receiving you with hot-cakes and coffee.

“Could you keep it low, please?” you beg walking past him to get your aspirin.

“Of course not, where’s the fun in that?” he asks with a smirk. Castiel gives his hand a tug so that he behaves “Alright, alright, but hadn’t Cas used his angel mojo on you? Shouldn’t you be okay?”

“I’m okay, Dean, just hungover” you retort. Castiel walks over to you and presses his fingers to your forehead again, a warm wave washes over you, the hungover symptoms decreasing almost fully.

“Wow that was... okay, thanks again Cas!” you tell him and he nods.

“Happy to be of service” he offers with a smile. Dean stares in awe at him.

“Wait, so you can cure hungover too? I’m so keeping you” Dean exclaims, firmly wrapping an arm around Castiel’s waist.

You smile at the both of them, this has definitely been the best Valentine’s Day, all thanks to Cas and Dean.

------

MASTERLIST

#destiel #destiel fluff #destiel x reader #dean x reader #castiel x reader #cas x reader #supernatural masterlist #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fic #dean winchester x reader #dean x castiel #dean x castiel x reader #castiel x dean x reader #dean x y/n

[wavesmp3]

fake title: 'are you happy?'

are you happy? | juyeon x reader | a mess of a concept, vaguely post-apocalyptic(?) | warnings: death, gore

time has a funny way of waxing and waning through your life. it slows and stops for years and years and years. and then it's running past you, a blur of moments painted before you in hues of pink and blue. time was slow when the rekshi came. when they appeared five years ago, stealing the scream from your lips and people from your life. you swear time stopped when they got sangyeon. and sometimes it feels like time hasn't restarted since. like you're still stuck in that moment, the stench of gasoline, the rekshi's screech, sangyeon's. burned flesh smells terrible--you know that now. people, no matter how small, have a lot of blood. you know that too. you learned about amnesia after trauma in a psychology class seven years ago. you wish it'd happen to you already. that you could wake up and forget all of it. every wretched second of the time that hasn't moved since the rekshi took sangyeon from you.

but then again, time isn't always so unbearably still. other time's its quick, like a bullet, like disaster. it's knocking your door down and pushing you against the wall, gun to your head and knife to your throat. time can be faster than any car or ship or aircraft. it's faster than you can run. faster than anyone. but the funny thing about time is that once it does finally start, it doesn't know how to stop.

time re-started, a year after sangyeon and five days after meeting juyeon through a close call with a rekshi that you just barely saved him from. near-death experiences do that to people. bind them together like red threads of fate. "it's a good thing we don't meet a lot of people then," you had told juyeon, five days on the road with him and the soulmate metaphor still falling off his lips.

"why's that?"

"everyday is near death."

he had laughed. and you swear that alone made time start again. a distant ticking of a clock buried under the sound of his giggle.

and time hasn't really slowed down since. it didn't slow when you told him about sangyeon nor did it when he told you about changmin. time doesn't even hesitate when you kiss juyeon for the first time, doesn't stop to breathe when he kisses you back. it doesn't pause when you and juyeon meet sunwoo.

and when the rekshi take sunwoo, the same sickening way as sangyeon, time only seems to speed up.

"no one else." you whisper against juyeon's neck one night, a month after sunwoo. a vow to yourself between the lines of your request to him. a vow to never make yourself feel that pain again. "only us two from now on."

"okay." he whispered back, just as solemnly, just as heartbroken, just as lost. "only us."

the mutual promise is broken by you and him five months after that night. but neither of you could turn away when the little girl asked for help, neither of you could walk away when it was so obvious that she had no where else to go.

but even then, time doesn't slow down. time doesn't stop or break or pause when the rekshi get her too, a year after you both found her. time doesn't wait for you to catch up to it. you want to take your fist and shatter the entire concept. you want to take the entire idea of time in your arms and throw it off the tallest cliff in the farthest corner of the world. you want to be something else altogether, something beyond time. unaffected by it.

things change after the little girl goes. a gut-wrenching realization that lands like a rock in the pit of your stomach when juyeon's laugh no longer manages to bury the ticking clock. juyeon laughs, and you can only wonder how much longer you have with him. it's been three years now, almost as long as you had sangyeon before the rekshi came.

you remember what he said to you all those years ago, when you were both still strangers, before you knew his heart like your childhood home, before his name sounded like prayer slipping off your tongue. you remember how he said near-death experiences bind people together like the mythical red threads of fate. is that what means to be bound to someone? is a soulmate, for all its nuance, simply just the person by your side in the face of death? to stare death in the eyes like an old friend with his hand in yours?

you remember what you said after. how everyday was near-death. and when you said that, you thought you had no more than a year left in you. that if you had managed to survive past the rekshi, you wouldn't have survived your own head. give it a year, you had told yourself a week before meeting juyeon, a year before grief wraps me like a blanket and suffocates me with its falsely warm arms. it had been a dramatic sentiment, you were quite dramatic before juyeon. sometimes you still are. but you believed it. and you kept on believing it until a year had passed. sunwoo still alive and you still alive too. grief hadn't encompassed like you thought it would. instead, it slithered away the way the cold does between february and march. a surprisingly warm day. and then another. and then it's may and you're laying in the sand with juyeon under the sun. sunwoo gone, but still not cold. not the way you were after sangyeon at least. you lay beside juyeon, eyes closed and relishing in the light of the sun, and wondering when grief stopped being a weighted blanket that sat on your chest and threatened to crush your lungs. you wonder when grief became a small presence that sits at your feet, unbothered, until you decide to take it your arms and hold the freezing thing against your cheek and heart. you wonder when grief stopped being the default. when it become choice, not one made to feel sad, but rather, one made to remember.

that day, in the sand and under the may sun, you remember turning to juyeon and saying it was more than soulmates. he was more than just bound to you and especially not by some wavering red thread. he was your air. your water. the sound of laughter. a reason to keep on running after time. someone to hand the cold weight of grief to, passing it back and forth like kids playing catch, someone to hug when you held it for too long. someone to remind you to set grief back down and that it's okay to occasionally forget about the lives that were. about sunwoo and sangyeon. someone to catch you when you spend too long staring at the grief by your feet, someone to push your chin up and tell you to look at the sun. look ahead. look at me. someone to say don't go. someone to stay for.

but that was nearly two years ago. that was before the little girl. before he looked at her and saw what you see in him. someone to stick around for. things change after the little girl, but it's less to do with you and more to do with juyeon. more to do with the fact that the girl is gone and you aren't enough to stick around for.

"stop the car." you say one day, abruptly, the words coming out like a confession. he does. as suddenly as you said it. you nearly slam your head against the dash.

you're out of the car immediately. running through a field of tall grass and white flowers. you run and run and run. it's been five years since rekshi appeared, not much less since they took sangyeon. four years since you met juyeon. three since sunwoo died. a little over one since the girl. you run past those memories, collecting them in your arms, carrying each of them, their burdening weight slowing you down because you can't breathe anymore. so you do the next most reasonable thing. you grab the grief at your feet and swallow it, let it inflate your lungs. then you keep running. the field is infinite like time. but you run, never faltering, ripping out the grass accidently, tearing every moment of the past five years apart. and then you stop. at the edge of the cliff. at the rim of the word. you stand in the face of death and beside time itself. finally you've caught up to it. finally you gather it in your arms, fit the seconds between the memories and throw them all off the edge of the world.

you remember a documentary you watched once. you don't remember when you watched it. you've gotten rid of time. but it doesn't matter how recent or long ago you saw it. you watched that documentary once, and you remember it now, at the edge of the world while watching time fall. the documentary was about buffaloes, how they travel in herds and fall off cliffs together. how they must not know what they're doing. how they must be blindly following the buffalo in front. you wish to be like that now. to run and throw yourself off the side of this cliff and have it not be a choice. you've spent so long chasing after time, that now, it almost feels natural to run off the edge of the world behind it. it feels like the only thing left to do. to follow the one before you and fall.

"don't jump!" you hear juyeon scream from behind you.

"i wasn't going to." you whisper, but he can't hear the lie. he's already running towards you, through the field you just tore through, the same one you just stripped bear. he runs to you like he could hear how much you were thinking about the jump--or more accurately--thinking about the fall.

"don't jump." he repeats, breathlessly, coming to a stop ten paces away from you. too far away. he looks scared. hesitant. as if he knows that if he comes any closer you just might. "please. don't jump."

neither of you say anything after that. you stand facing juyeon and your back turned to the edge of the world. you both stand on a field beyond the rest of the world and above time. you both stand like you're the only two people who matter. and maybe that's not just a stupid simile. maybe that's the truth.

"would you?" you ask finally.

a timeless silence follows.

you step towards him once. twice. a third time. he doesn't move. he stands seven paces away from you now, but it feels like worlds apart. like he's at one end and you're at the other.

and despite the world between him and you, you still hear every break in his voice when he chokes out, "it's just been so long."

he falls to his knees.

and you cross the world to get to him. you've always been willing to.

he cries next to the flowers. face half covered by the grass. you stand above him. wondering whether he wishes he was like a buffalo too. wondering if he's waiting for you to fall so that he can follow. for how long have you both been standing at the edge and refusing to fall off for each other?

"juyeon," you kneel down in front of him, "where did you go?"

"i knew her." he sobs. you stare at him. "the girl. she was from my hometown. she didn't remember me. she was so young, but i remembered her. and i knew her mother and her sister. i knew. and it felt like she was untouched by this world, that they couldn't touch her. she gave me hope. like we weren't just sitting and waiting for death, like maybe there's an end to all this. but she's gone. in my head she was invincible. but still, the rekshi got her. and they got sunwoo and changmin and everyone. and i don't want to wait for them to get you too."

you don't say anything. you sit in front of him silently. waiting for the flowers to soak up his sobs. you wait for him. long enough for your memories to have crawled back up from the edge of the world and take their place beside you. the girl was his sangyeon, a tether to life before. you're beyond time. have spent the past four or so year chasing after it, and finally today you caught up and threw it away. all this time, you thought juyeon was right behind you, running after time after you. but you were wrong. he's been stuck in time since the rekshi got her. and before he could catch up to it, you threw it off the ends of earth. you look behind you. you wait for the time you flung past the cliff to crash. and then you wait for a new clock to start clicking. you laugh, for a number of reasons, but mainly to drown the sound of it.

you laugh again because time is a funny thing. you always thought it waxed and waned, slowed down and sped up. but really, time is a circle. and you're in the center. and time is the only thing standing between you and juyeon.

you take the grief at his feet and place it next to the memories beside you. you hold his frozen grief in your hands the same way he's done before with yours.

"deja vu." he mutters, like he can see what you're doing. but he can't. there is no tangible grief for you to hold. it's a metaphor.

"are you happy?"

he sighs. "i was. i am. it's just--"

"no. juyeon." you take his face in your hands, holding him in your palms. this isn't a metaphor. in a world of things that are, this is real. "are you happy?"

he must hear the clock ticking. he frowns. "are you?"

a/n: this piece got a just a bit out of hand.....whoops

#juyeon scenarios #the boyz drabbles #the boyz scenarios #the boyz fanfic #juyeon drabbles #juyeon imagines #juyeon fanfic #tbz scenarios #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfic #juyeon fluff #juyeon angst #the boyz angst #the boyz x reader #juyeon x reader #mine #asks #are you happy? #casey if you see this I also got out of hand.... #idek how long this got #oh. I just checked. it’s 2.3k 😦

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, Stuck. Sorry, I don’t know your real name.

I wrote this long ass post to bring some light into the fandom and between the CSs, and I hope you can post it? I’m new in the Tumblr world, but not in the 5H fandom. I don’t quite know how it works yet and, for the moment, I only know your blog and those of @emisonme, @karlaswine, @sun-to-my-luna, @underthatimpression, and @mentesimploria because, in one way or another, you’re all connected to each other. I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate every single one of you, the passion you have, and the hope you keep alive among those who, like me, love the girls. Also, the patience you guys have, especially against the haters, is admirable. I love the fact that you keep going. Because this is your sacred place, as it should be.

This is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. I’m what can be defined as a ‘silent fan’. I never commented on anything in the girls’ posts, not even on the fan accounts I follow. I don’t have Twitter. I have Facebook but it’s like I don’t have it because I don’t use it. I have Wattpad (obviously). I recently registered here on Tumblr, and I have Instagram. That’s what I use. It’s the only app along with YouTube that I use daily to keep up with the rest of the world. Especially the American part of the world. I’m Italian, but I speak American English well, and I apologize in advance if my lazy ass hasn’t noticed possible grammatical errors. I saw that a lot of you are into this stuff, so I thought I’d add it just because. I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Virgo rising.

I’m gonna turn 29 on December 22, and this is a BIG fuck off to all the people who have attacked you lately for your age. This is personal information that I give freely to make ignorant and small-minded people understand that, in this context especially, age is irrelevant. As you, little fucker who hides behind a computer to attack people just to feel stronger, have a life, we have it too. Like you, we have a life, a job, friends, etc. We also have passions. Passions that yes, my dear haters, also include shipping people. I don’t know why in your stupid brain we’re too old to ship people we love and to give opinions about it. I didn’t know it was something reserved only for those who still smell like mommy’s milk. But anyway…

I became aware of 5H existence just before summer 2015 thanks to ‘Worth It’. Being Italian, however, I had no idea who they were, and to be honest, I didn’t go searching for them. Randomly one day then, I ran into Camren on YouTube. I can’t remember which video I was watching, but I know for sure it was about ‘Heya/Brittana’ (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera/Brittany and Santana, my very first hard LGBT ship). And among the suggested videos, there they are. As ridiculous as it sounds, and although I liked them as soon as I saw them, I didn’t go searching for them. I did it when ‘Work from Home’ came out though. From there, I connected that they were the same ‘Worth It’ group and the same two girls I liked from those YouTube videos. I had officially become a fan. I was screwed. Screwed because, I’d officially entered one of the most messed up and yet most beautiful fandoms ever.

As I initially said, this is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. But after the recent events, seeing how many people gave up, it made me a little angry and gave me the strength to speak for the first time. I thought the first time would’ve been through the fanfiction I’ve been working on for over two years, but no. Lauren and her beautiful mouth had to terrorize, disappoint, panic, and make angry 80% of CS, thus fueling the hatred of all the other fandom towards us. So I decided to speak now. Maybe, just maybe, this very long ass post of mine is gonna help struggling CS. Maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna make them reason and bring them to their senses.

So. This, as I think you’ve understood, is about Lauren and what she said in the podcast. This is a reminder of the Laucy situation. These are things we already know and that I want to remind you of because apparently, my lovely fellows CS, either you have a short-term memory, or Lauren has the power to create amnesia in people’s minds and I knew nothing about it. Surely this power of hers didn’t work on me and a few others.

Oh and, before starting: 1) You may disagree with me. It’s normal to have different opinions. 2) You can search for information such as dates, easily on the internet. 3) I’m gonna use nicknames on PRs for fun. That doesn’t mean I hate them. I have my reasons for dislike each one of them as people, but I can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that they were or are the Camren beards. An example to make you understand what I mean is Ty. I’m a huge Ari fan and I’ve been listening to ‘safety net’ non-stop for two days straight. I really dislike Ty as a person, but I separate the art from the artist.

Okay, that said, I can start.

Lauren said: “I knew I was queer because I fell in love with my best friend when I was like 15.” – “Her and I started to have a physical connection when I was 15.”

Lauren and Lucid Vivisectionist met when L moved to Carrollton in 7th grade. Lucille moved back to Puerto Rico in February 2012, returning to visit Miami occasionally (this explains the fetus pictures with Lucy and Camren at L’s house). In February 2012, Lauren was 15, Camila 14, and Lucy 16. And who did Lauren meet when she was 15? Oh yeah, Camila. C and L did the first phase of the audition, the ‘cattle call’, on May 1, 2012 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Audition where Camila took courage to speak at the (“Oh my God that girl is) literally so beautiful” girl from which she felt intimidated by starting that adorable brief conversation “Hi, I like your shirt”, “Thanks. I like your jacket” just before it was her turn to get in for her audition. In May 2012, Lauren and Camila were both 15 years old. Lauren and Camila saw each other again for the first time on July 25th, two months later, in Miami on the first day of boot camp, and it was Lauren herself who went to Camila: “You’re the Cuban girl!”. In July 2012, Lauren was 16 and Camila was 15.

Lauren said: “She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere, and she called me.” Let me explain to you why I think this is true.

Lauren and Luxy reconnected with each other after Lucy’s car accident that took place on May 15, 2015. Lauren was really 18 in May 2015, and we can rule out The Reflection Tour dates because it started on February 27, 2015, and ended April 6, 2015. We can also rule out these other show dates that 5H did: April 11 in Jackson Township, New Jersey - April 13 at Live! with Kelly and Michael in New York - April 19 Lauren was at Coachella with Keana, Britt, and other friends - April 22 at the Worldwide Radio Summit in Hollywood - April 25 at Radio Disney Music Awards 2015 in Los Angeles - May 8 at Channel 93.3 Summer Kickoff 2015 in Chula Vista, San Diego - May 9 at Wango Tango 2015 in Carson, Los Angeles (May 9, rumors about Camila and Louis Tomlinson just because paparazzi believed they were together when Louis was actually together with Liam outside the Project Club L.A., and C who was at the club next door) - May 15 at KDWB Radio Show in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The rest of their program and possible date: May 16 at Kiss Concert 2015 in Mansfield, Massachusetts - May 19 at Dancing with the Stars in Los Angeles - May 30 at G-A-Y in London (rumors about Lauren and Louis Tomlinson this time, born because 5H went to Libertine nightclub with Louis and Niall) - May 31 at Britain’s Got More Talent in London - June 2 at Capital FM in Birmingham, England - June 5 at Good Morning Britain in London - June 6 at Capital FM Summertime Ball 2015 in London - June 12 at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii - June 14 at LA Pride 2015 - June 18 at Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles - June 20 at B96 Pepsi Summer Bash 2015 in Bridgeview, Illinois - June 23 at San Diego County Fair 2015 - 28 June at Show Of The Summer 2015 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - July 10 at Rockefeller Plaza in New York. July 15, 2015, beginning of Reflection: The Summer Tour.

June 27, 2015 Lauren turned 19, and do you guys remember the events of those days? Because I do.

On June 24, 2015, Lauren celebrated her birthday in advance at the famous sushi restaurant ‘Katsuya’. Among the guests were the girls, her mom Clara, some friends, including Jill (the same Jill/Jillian Gutowitz who worked with Zack Sang and who 5H met on April 22, 2015, at the Worldwide Radio Summit, which lasted for three days but they were present for two: 22 and 23. The same Jill who wrote the article for AfterEllen on January 25, 2016, about her experiences with women who denied their sexuality. Remember the story of Lauren Jordan, right?), and Noah Benardout (may he rest in peace). Still no Lucia, not even on the days when Lauren returned to Miami to celebrate with her family before resuming the program from the 28. As I already said, The Reflection Summer Tour began on July 15, 2015, and Lucy’s first public reappearance took place on one of the tour dates, that is, July 27 at Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

From that moment on, we saw Lucille appear on multiple occasions in hops through time. After the July 27th date, we saw her during the trip to Hawaii with Lauren and Keana in September, followed by the concert that the girls had on October 10 in the Bahamas, where they stayed with their families and friends for a few days. After the Bahamas, the mess happened between 5H because they found out about Camila’s departure from the group which initially should’ve been immediate, but for which they fought and gained another year. That, was also the time when Laucy signed their PR contract. As we know from Lauren herself, that was the worst and darkest time for her. That was the beginning of her numbness.

On October 23, they were on their way to Italy and Lauren wrote on her dark diary, the one shown to us in Episode 8 of her Attunements. On October 24, they arrived in Milan for the MTV Europe Music Awards 2015 occurred on October 25, and on October 28, in Madrid instead, there was the interview with Alyson Eckmann, the journalist Camila flirted with while Lauren was sitting right next to her.

Going forward, in November we have:

- Rumors about Lauren and Julius Dein (his friend who is a YouTube magician).

-The release of IKWYDLS including the rumors about Camila and Shawn and Michael Clifford (who was already in the picture) who were ‘vying for her’.

- Beginning of Lauren’s coming out plan which included: 1) The release of The Vamps’ album on November 23rd, that is, a week after the release of IKWYDLS, and which included the track ‘I Found A Girl’. Joe O'Neill, the manager of The Vamps, liked that famous tweet. Despite the efforts to make us believe that Bleahren (sorry for the Italian pun I made here, but ‘bleah’ in Italian is equivalent to the ‘eww’ to indicate something gross, and therefore Bleah-Ren) Brauren was real and that the girl involved was Lucille and not Camila, they’ve miscalculated since Lauren and Brad ‘dated’ in 2014 when Lucy had not yet returned into Lauren’s life. But since the album and consequently the song came out on November 23, 2015, they tried to manipulate people’s minds as usual. 2) Jill’s article that served to connect and more or less ‘confirm’ the story between this Jordan and her childhood friend, Lauren-Lucy.

- December: completion of the 7/27 album + Dina LaPolt’s entry + renegotiation of the contracts (mostly DNA’s contracts) + FIFTH HARMONY MUSIC, INC. created by LAND on December 21 to prepare for the transfer of the 5H trademark, the FIFTH HARMONY PARTNERSHIP, of which they became owners from April 27, 2016 + change of management from Faculty Management: Jared Paul and Janelle Lopez, to Maverick Management: Larry Rudolph, Dan Dymtrow, and Tara Beikae. [All things that were possible ONLY THANKS to the exit of C from the group]

- January 2016, we have Lauren and Lucrezia who came back from Colombia to then taking a road trip for Lucy’s birthday week.

- Jill’s article came out and coincidentally, by pure chance, exactly two days later, on January 27, 2016, Camila and Dinah were hacked.

- On March 9, 2016, Lauren, Normani, Andrea, Dinah, and Keana went to pierce their ears, or rather, Laurmainah pierced their ears, mama Dre and Keana just accompanied them. During her turn, Lauren asked Keana to take her phone to make a video. In the meantime, Mani was filming Lauren, and again by pure chance, Keana, who was in the heart of the frame, took Lauren’s phone as she’d asked, and both the lock screen and the home screen portrayed a picture of Lucania during a photoshoot. Same picture Lucy herself posted on Instagram on April 10th to leave no doubt.

- April 24, 2016, Coachella together.

- Luciana went with 5H in London, in May, during the promotion of the 7/27 album. (+ Camren video of May 28, 2016)

- She was present during the start of the tour in South America on June 26th (in the evening during the concert, L danced Big Bad Wolf for her, but that’s not the famous video, that was on September 5) and 27th to celebrate L’s birthday together (picture of the 27th of them in Buenos Aires).

- June 27, 2016, on L’s birthday, Jill posted a picture with L from the birthday dinner of the year before, further confirming the story of ‘Jordan’.

- August 1, the national girlfriend day, L posted a picture of her and Lucy.

- From August 12 to 21, Lucy was with them. The night after the concert on the 13th in Rochester Hills, Michigan, videos in which Lucilla appeared during Lauren Fuller’s birthday celebration at the hotel for dinner. On the 14th in Noblesville, Indiana, during Gonna Get Better and Big Bad Wolf Lauren smiled in Lucy’s direction who was in the audience. On the 18th in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a fan met Laucy in a movie theater restroom, taking a selfie with Lauren (C posted a picture of her in the dark with the words of Bad Things “don’t think that I can explain it” the same night).

- On September 4 and 5 Lucippe returned. On the 5th in Houston, Texas, the famous ‘super HD’ video took place in which Lauren danced Big Bad Wolf for Lucy, even pointing to her during her verse. [On September 6, Midland, Texas, during the Q&A, Lauren wore the same dress that Lucy was wearing to the concert the night before, and at the same time, she sat next to C and got jealous when C complimented a fan by sending her flying kisses. Ahh… The irony]

Now. Let’s move on to the part of the podcast where Lauren explains about the kiss with Lucza at her uncle and aunt’s wedding, how her aunt “super innocently” posted the pictures on Facebook that her “unreal invasive fans” found and posted, how Perez Hilton outed her to the world by posting an article with those pictures, how she did nothing for a week, and that after thinking “Ok, it happened. People know. What am I gonna do?”, she wrote that letter against Trump as her own way of coming out.

On November 4, 2016, Lauren and Lucynda did the ‘famous’ photoshoot in New Orleans called ‘Bare With Me’. Lauren flew to NOLA right after Halloween, got back to Miami to vote, then returned to New Orleans on the 10th along with her family for the wedding. Lucianna was also with her on the 10th for the rehearsal/bowling with all of Lauren’s relatives. Meanwhile Orange Trumpeter was elected on the 8th, and many celebrities were preparing to write a letter through Billboard against him and his supporters. Labels and management saw it as a perfect opportunity to get her to come out also considering how much Lauren has always been vocal on the subject, and THEY contacted Billboard to get her to participate in exchange of the exclusive of her coming out. All that was missing was the evidence to make sure that there had been no connection with Camila, and that was the reason for the kiss at the wedding on the 11th.

On November 13, the wedding photographer posted those pictures on his website, including the one of the kiss. And I’m sorry, Lolo, I love you but, really? Who are you kidding? The pictures didn’t start spreading because her ‘unreal invasive fans’ found them on her aunt’s Facebook page where she’d posted them ‘super innocently’. The pictures started spreading after the photographer posted them! And you know what’s even more funny? That to see those pictures on the website, you needed an access password. So what are you saying here, Lo? That your ‘unreal invasive fans’ were so good, to even have hacked their way into the website for pictures they didn’t even know existed? It wasn’t your team, was it? Oh, okay. My bad.

Sarcasm aside. The pictures started to spread, Perez tweeted about it on the 14th, and in the meantime Lauren had time to write the letter that was approved by the labels and sent to Billboard (on the 14th), who approved it a couple of days after it was sent (on the 16th), and which they then published it in the article two days later (on the 18th). In all of this, on November 15, 2016, the girls all went to Epic’s party. Since we know very well that most of the cases of coming out as bisexual in the industry made by a female celebrity occur in succession with the connection with a guy, that night there was the PR proposal between Typo Dolour Signal and Lauren that he obviously accepted, and in fact, he was there that night at that party too (Picture of C with a tear mark on her cheek).

Now, the icing on the cake of the Laucy’s PR: Nicole Cartolano. Nicole is a friend of Lecy’s with whom she had already worked together and who also posted pictures of Lauren on November 17 and 22, 2016, one on December 31, 2016, together with Marian Hill taken backstage after Lauren’s performance with them on the 30th, the night before, for the Snow Globe Festival in South Lake Tahoe, California, and the one of Laucy (with the piñata) on January 10, taken the same night to celebrate Lucilia’s birthday at midnight and that Lauren also used to post it for wish her a happy birthday. That was the last public interaction between the two. *Slow entry of Tympans Dollhouse Signalized in the picture from January 4, 2017, thanks to that tweet*.

On January 21, 2017, Lauren and Lucy were at the same Women’s March, but separately (single), and we haven’t seen them together anymore. LuBYE. On March 22, 2017, both ‘Bare With Me’ and the interview article Nicole did with MTV News (she confirmed that Laucy had been together by having an on-again, off-again for years and also said a lot of other bullshit like the fact that the girls were nervous because they didn’t know how their parents would’ve responded) came out. On August 13, 2018, Nicole officially apologized to Lucy for being angry with her for posting the pictures and therefore for having outed her and for having taken part in the MTV interview without their permission. There was also the screenplay made by Nicole’s mom to make everything even more true.

Bullshit on bullshit on bullshit. Number 1, Lauren herself confirmed in this podcast that her parents knew about her, and said how much she loved Lucre’s ‘I’m out and proud’ part.

Number 2, Nicole posted a preview of the pictures on March 18, 2017, so if she really wanted to stop her before the publication on the 22nd, she would’ve had time to do so.

Number 3, Lucita came out publicly on her own with that Spanish post on Instagram on November 20, 2016, saying in summary that she was anything but straight because she didn’t want to label herself (she did it years later by saying she was a lesbian).

Number 4, as Lusia also confirmed in that post where Nicole’s mom left that comment, Nicole signed a non-disclosure agreement form. If she had actually violated it without having had a release and written consent form, she would’ve been sued.

Number 5, if Luciferase really wanted to have that conversation in private with Nicole’s mom, she might very well have done so. She could’ve contacted her and answered her IN PRIVATE for real, and not via IG where EVERYONE saw and took the side of poor, poor Luckless.

Number 6, the biggest proof that shows the hypocrisy of all this, Lucasta continued to work with Nicole. Their last work dates back to November 25, 2019.

Okaay, sure… sure, because it was normal for her to continue working with the person who outed her, wasn’t it? People’s lies never cease to amaze me. For that matter, Nicole also posted a picture of their ‘adventure’ as they made their way to the photoshoot location on November 1, 2017, and continued to wish them both a happy birthday with posts every year.

And lastly, on June 6, 2020, we have the Lucerne’s video leaked (+ old pictures and videos of 5H) where she burned pictures of Lauren and of the two of them together in 2017, accompanied by the tweets occurred two days later, in which she explained that she was hacked and that she burned the pictures for a closure. Then, exactly 20 days later, that is on June 26, 2020, the PAPER Magazine article of Lauren’s interview came out. What a coincidence! In that article, Lauren explained, along with other things, that she’d been in love with her best friend for 7 years.

Lauren, honey, the maths, the maths… If according to your words you fell in love with her at 15, got together with her at 18, and broken up at 20, how can these be 7 years? It’s 5 years… And as if it wasn’t enough, still according to your words, after 1 year and 8 months (from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017), 2 months of which public because of the wedding pictures, of the relationship you wanted at all costs, “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship”, you broke up with her because she was really toxic, and after less than a month, you started dating an even more toxic person without the proper time to heal?? How do you expect me to believe you? And I’m putting aside the fact that I know they’re both PR relationships. I’m speaking out of logic. How? How can I believe you? How does this make any sense?

Personally, yes, I believe Lauren and Lucy have a past. Lauren’s first kiss was when she was 13 (8th grade) with her boyfriend at the time, Dominic, but I think Lucy was her first kiss with a girl. And I think it happened when she was 15, but in 2011, so long before Lucy left. Lauren dated Paul Martinez from June 4, 2011, to the end of July (around 23/24). From after Paul, until her very first PR at X-Factor, Keaton Stromberg, she was single. I truly believe that before she met Camila, Lauren and Lucy did everything Lauren said. I really believe Lauren experimented with her in secret, but I don’t believe in anything else she said at all.

This is my opinion. And in my opinion, Lauren always knew she was queer, and Lucy was the first with whom she could experience the attraction and the feelings towards girls she had always felt and concealed deep inside herself. But they were friends. Just friends. Friends who messed around and experimented together in secret given the environment that surrounded them. Lucy then returned to live in Puerto Rico and they simply drifted apart because of the distance and Lauren’s busy schedule with 5H. When she came back into Lauren’s life, they rekindled their friendship. Just that. Also because, Camila, hello? Camila entered Lauren’s heart the same year Lucy left and never get out of it. Not to mention that Lucy had a girlfriend, Sarah Scott Narcise, before getting together with Nicole Marie Rendón in March 2017. I honestly think that Lucy was also giving advice to Lauren about her relationship with Camila, and I also think that now they really aren’t friends anymore for something we don’t know about, even though I have my theories… But anyway. Lauren needed a beard to be able to come out, Lucy needed visibility for her modeling career and, at the time, also for her music which, however, never saw the light of day. The labels approved because they would’ve done anything to keep their chosen one out of the gay light. Camila also approved. Boom, PR.

I don’t believe all the other bullshit she said during the podcast. Because if they’d been true, they would’ve made logical sense. A sense they’ve been trying, and failing, to give for years. If Lauren really didn’t want to come out, she wouldn’t have done a photoshoot with Lucy a week before the wedding with the intention of using that same photoshoot to come out. She would not have kissed Lucy in a public place during the wedding pictures in front of a professional photographer hired for the event, knowing full well that those pictures would eventually have been published by the bride and groom, her aunt and uncle, and the photographer himself. If she wanted so badly a picture of her kissing her girlfriend, drunk or not, she would’ve taken her fucking phone and take selfies. It wasn’t the fans’ or Perez’s fault. It was the management that was following the plan.

And I’m supposed to, what exactly? Forget all these things, things that have been proofed multiple times in the past, because Lauren, or Camila, or management, or labels, or their contracts, must continue with their stupid narrative? Because Camila must continue to look straight and continue to look in love with Shalt Menstruated because the señorito is about to release his documentary and his album? Because Camila’s movie is about to come out? Because Lauren’s own album is about to be released and because the subject matter of her female-pronounced songs must only and exclusively be related to Lucy? (Although I think her album will be out next year. I think a song with female pronunciation is coming out soon. And no, I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s Burning)

Guys, come on…

Think about it. She used Lucy as a shield to tell part of her story with Camila that happened in 2014. It all fits. Even the story told through songs from Camila’s cocky POV, including ‘Like Friends Do’, ‘Eyes on You’, ‘Cleopatra’, ‘Leave for Good’, and a couple from her last album like ‘Should’ve Said It’ and ‘Feel It Twice’.

I understand why many of you have been hurt by this podcast and by Lauren herself. I understand why a lot of you are angry about the things she said. I see you, I understand, I really do. And everyone is free to feel whatever they want, I’m not saying otherwise. But I really don’t understand why you’re hiding or why you’re abandoning the ship. Authors who don’t wanna write anymore. Accounts closed. Names changed. Hope lost. This, all this, makes me angry and hurt. Because you fell for it. And you know why you fell for it? Because Lauren changed her approach. Leaving aside the part just before when she said: “Even when I talk about it, and I don’t talk about it because I’ve learned to just ignore it because-” and there, I swear I had to pause because I burst out laughing, and I was like: “Bitch, you’re the one who pulled this out of your ass out of nowhere right this second, what are you saying?”. She went on by saying, and she knows us so well because of this: “I just chose to ignore it at a certain point because getting angry to them would it mean that it was real and validate it more for them”.

And it’s true. This non-angry approach of hers, worked like a charm. Lauren’s older, she’s more mature than before. Although she was very nervous, she managed to explain everything calmly. The fact that she was emotional and almost cried in many parts, it really gave an extra boost to what she tried to sell. And I’m not saying she faked almost crying. Hell, no. That was super true and hard for her. I’m saying though, that it’s really easy to manipulate people’s minds, and Lauren used her real pain, the real suffering she has gone through over the years to tell this charade. That’s why it seemed so real. And I’m supposed to fall for that shit just because that’s what they’ve wanted for years, right? Convenient much?

Guys, please. You’re smarter than that, use those beautiful brains. For example, the fact that Lauren said: “I was queer, but she was not”, wrong as you want it to be, and “Camila and I were just really good friends at that time”, yeah, sure, Jan. Doesn’t the very fact that she used the past tense make you realize that it was done to completely detach herself from her IN THE PRESENT? Everything she said was for something. Everything had a purpose. And the goal is always the same. Make us stop shipping ‘em. Putting a label on C only served the Shoestoremila purpose, nothing else. And those were words that came out of the mouth of the one who says she doesn’t like labeling people. The same one who was pissed that someone had outed her before she wanted to. Do you really think she’s that hypocritical?

The fact that she put all the CS in the same box, especially when she talked about the Daddy situation, WAS DONE ON PURPOSE. She couldn’t fail to generalize because their purpose is, and will be for a long time to come, to kill Camren. That means the whole fandom. Not just invasive elements. But really all the CS. The purpose was to make us feel guilty. The purpose is to make us accept that it was never real, and since we care about them, to make us continue to support them individually and not as a couple, even though she knows that the real CS do it regardless. This, is called manipulation, guys.

Think about everything else too. The inconsistency. The holes in her story. The lack of explanations. And the fact that during the story of how it all happened, she jumped from one theme to another and therefore managed to deflect and not completely finish one before moving on to the other, doesn’t it make you understand that she didn’t want to give too many details? And when does that usually happen? She knew we’d analyze her. She knew she couldn’t say too much. When she talked about Lucy, she knew that WE know she was talking about Camila, and with too many details, it would also have been obvious to the others because WE would’ve pointed it out to everyone. I mean, it’s obvious enough in itself, imagine if she’d fed us more information that we would’ve compared in the timeline.

Please, guys. I know that it feels like something’s changed, but it’s not. It’s really not. I’m appealing to all of you. Open your eyes. Reason. I know many of you still have conflicting emotions and feelings, and that’s okay. If you’re still upset, if you still wanna cry, then cry. Do whatever helps you feel better because, especially after the haters have come to bite your asses, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. But please, please, don’t give up. If you give up, you just play their game. You just do them a favor. You guys had invested so much of your time, so much of your passion, so much of yourselves to just, give up. Think of all we’ve been through, especially those who’ve been in the fandom for years. Think about how happy Camren makes you. They were there for you when you needed them. When you were going through hard times. I know they’ve helped a lotta people.

And think about this too. Lauren herself said at the beginning of the podcast: “The news and the media are constantly spinning narratives for your clicks so they can make money”. And what do you think this podcast was for? It’s always the same shit. Have you not noticed how the very same news and media have ALL talked about them? Didn’t you notice how My Oh My magically returned into the charts? How 50ft surpassed the 9 million streams on Spotify? And you still have doubts?

This is instead for the CS who get often angry about their actions. I personally think it’s pointless to blame Lauren and Camila for every single thing they do that has been PLANNED for them. Especially Camila as far as Shonas is concerned. There’s a pattern here too. Lauren had her light PR with Lucia. Lauren then had her heavy PR with Typic Dole Sight while Camila had a light one with Eatchu. And now Camila’s having a heavy one. C’s one is heavier simply because they’re much more famous than PRen (Tyren) were. So, guys, be patient. There’s really no point in getting angry and blaming them. It’s a waste of energy. It’s useless to blame them if they’re gonna continue to do so over the years to come. They’re just still trying to get past their original contracts and survive in the industry at the same time. Sooner or later, I HOPE, they will be free to tell the truth or the truth will come out on its own.

Well, I’m done. Jeez, that was long, wasn’t it? But I hope it was worth it. I hope I’ve cleared your heads a little bit and instilled some hope again. I also hope I made you smile with all those nicknames and my sarcasm. I especially hope that wherever you are, you’re having a good day, and if not, then I hope it has improved at least a little bit with this post. And thank you so much, Stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice for the first time publicly/virtually. You, above all, keep on being one of the lights and NEVER let them turn you off. I love you guys. Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay patient. With love, F.

I leave you with these two pearls:

Number 1. Lauren said something else too. She said: “Don’t trust me. Go research. Go look this shit up yourself”. I know she said it for a completely different context, but I found it really funny given the situation.

Number 2. This is a small scene that automatically created itself in my head as soon as I finished listening to Wonder. I titled it: The sad and short story of the making of ‘Wonder’.

Enjoy:

*on the phone*

Shawl Mendicant: “Hey, buddy. I know you were a huge Fifth Harmony fan and I know you love my fake girlfriend, so I was thinking… could you help me? You know, I need her to stay relevant, but to do that, I also need to release music and completely take all the credit from other people because, you know, the most I do is change a sentence or two in my style to make people think that I wrote all my songs.”

Sam Smith: “………okay?”

Shawnita Menorrhagia: “So, I was wondering, can I copy your homework? You can totally refuse if you want to, but I’m hoping to appeal to the love you have for 5H and Camila, and maybe help a friend out?”

Sam Smith: “Yeah, sure, you can copy my homework. Anything for my girls. Just, change it up a bit so it doesn’t sound too obvious you just copied it.”

Shonas Mended: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Thanks, man.” - *ends the call*

Sam Smith looking at the phone with an incredulous expression and one hand over his heart: “I came out as a non-binary, you insensitive asshole!”

Shoes Mentionable from the other room: “Cameeela! He said yes!” *reaching then Camila and Lauren in the living room where Lauren is lying with her head resting on Camila’s legs who’s running her fingers through her hair with one hand and holding the book that she’s reading with the other one* “You were right, all I had to do was mention you girls.”

Lauren chuckling and continuing to pet Cleo who’s lying at the foot of the couch with one hand: “Told you”, to then adding: “And please, I know you’re excited because of the news but keep your voice down”, continuing to caress Sofi’s head who’s sleeping on top of her with the other one.

Shapeless Mentality: “Oh, sorry.”

Camila without looking away from her book: “Sam’s really nice. I’m sure they would’ve said yes even without the need of mentioning us.”

Lauren: “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that, babe. Yes, they’re very nice, but we’re powerful in their minds, so it was an added incentive for them to say yes.”

Shaved Mentholated: “Who are they? Weren’t we talking about Sam?”

Camila who was giggling at her girlfriend’s words:

Lauren:

Sinu from the kitchen:

Cleo who was nibbling her toy:

Even Thunder, Leo, and Eugene from outside into the yard:

*the end*

Chon Mendable: ‘Wonder’ - Sam Smith: ‘One Last Song’

____

OMG I am speechless. I’m really still digesting this whole story because it’s amazing but I wanted to start by saying hello to you and telling you my name, my name is Marite. It is a pleasure to meet you dear friend. I don’t want to write too much because your words are much more important than mine but I wanted to thank you for trusting me and my blog to tell me your story. That side of the story that, being new and not having been a harmonizer from the beginning, I never learned. I intended to ask for more information about Laucy’s Timeline but what you have told is a gem. A gem that shows that the bastards of the industry cannot fool the fans because we pay attention to everything and it is not easy for us to fall for their shit. I think the power we fans have is so great that if we all came together, we could bring down this whole fucking fake empire that they have created. That said, Laucy’s story is surprising. As planned and how each person involved had to do their part on the chessboard. Incredible. Now that you tell me that story, I think it fits the one I wrote in my once upon a time post. Sure, yours is true and has everything that mine doesn’t. I have tried to keep this blog open for all who wish to come and air their ideas, their thoughts, their tea. And you dear friend, you have been one of the best so far. You’ve given us that support that the fandom so badly needed and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your humor, the nicknames have been so hilarious and I’m still laughing. Thank you for daring to tell this part of the story and reopen the can of worms of a PR that right now resurfaces with that Lauren interview. With a purpose, it’s true. And something tells me that we will see much more very soon. Thank you for your support, my friend. And you know, you have my blog at your disposal for whatever you need. And if you need to talk or anything else. I greatly appreciate that we can continue to keep this ship afloat among ourselves. Among a group of intelligent people who have been hurt by someone we have always loved very much even though we know the reason for all that. We can’t give up now because if we do it like you say they will win and I personally don’t plan to indulge them in that. Thank you very much for all dear friend and I hope you have a nice day. I send you a hug and I hope you stay safe.

#submission #laucy timeline #amazing #thanks you buddy #camren #f anon

[softieteez]

backstory

warning: death, cancer, drinking, mental abuse, some physical abuse, cussing, crying, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, child neglect

genre: angst

summary: before ivy even got to her teen years, things were more difficult than most adults lives. from losing her dad, to experiencing neglect.

a/n: ivy’s story is pretty deep. feel free to skip this post if you are triggered by anything listed. also i’ll be using her birth name a lot throughout this story.

languages: normal = english. italic = korean

olivia min was born june 4, 2001 in michigan. she is the youngest of three siblings. miya, the oldest, was born february 20, 1997. and austin, the middle child, was born august 4, 1999.

growing up, olivia had an amazing relationship with her family members. her parents were always really supportive of anything she wanted to do. and her siblings, were annoying, but they all love each other so much. the family was pretty middle class, maybe more upper middle class. they had enough money to buy nice things and go on trips, which was nice and it gave the kids experiences they’d always remember.

when she was a baby, the families friend jax, had given her the nickname ‘ivy.’ the name stuck with him and eventually spread to friends at school. but her family members always called her olivia or jisoo, her korean name.

in school she was a social butterfly, running around recess practically collecting friends like they were collectors items. and because of her loving nature, no one could say no. she’s also very smart, she’s always had straight a’s and was usually willing to participate in class. teacher would say she was a sweet and smart little girl, and of course she could make the class burst into giggles at any second.

olivia started dancing at the young age of 4 when her parents enrolled her into dance classes. there, she met new friends and became one of the best youth dancers in their town.

her grandparents lived in ohio, which meant a lot of the times they would travel there for the holidays. olivia had a friend named aggy that lived there.

aggy lived next door to ivy’s grandparents. she was diagnosed with leukemia only five months before meeting the family, this was when ivy was maybe 7 years old.

through the years, ivy excelled in everything from piano lessons that she started when she was 5, to even cooking. she was a cheerful and happy little girl. until she reached age 9 when her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

this was a huge reality hit. she didn’t really understand it though, her dad was healthy. until he wasn’t. she remembers that day so clearly

“where’s mom and dad?” olivia asked walking into the kitchen and seeing her sister sitting next to their sleeping brother on the couch

“hospital, grandma and grandpa will be here in a few hours. for now our neighbors are gonna look after us”

“hospital? but why?” the little girl tilted her head

“i don’t know olivia. go back to sleep it’s early” miya did know, she saw her dad getting worse and worse as the months went on. but the last thing anyone wanted to do was worry anymore people. especially austin and olivia.

“okay…” she responded and went back toward her bedroom.

a few hours later she woke up to her grandma shaking her awake “wake up olivia. grandpa and i brought lunch.” the elderly woman spoke

olivia smiled at her grandmother as she sat up and stretched. the girl walked to the kitchen.

she still remembers all the yummy food her grandparents made, now knowing it was out of grief. later that night was when her parents revealed the truth to the kids.

and suddenly her whole world collapsed.

she would miss dance class and sometimes even school because her father would be in the hospital. because her mom and dad were always gone, she and her other siblings were expected to help around the house. occasionally with their grandparent by their side.

when she turned 10, she didn’t have much of a birthday blow out. and her present was some nail polish because that was all her family could afford at the time. when she turned 11, they spent her birthday in the hospital. her dads condition became so much worse that he wasn’t able to leave the hospital.

“i’m sorry you have to spend your birthday like this livvy” her dad held her had. his skin was paler than usual. colder too.

“it’s okay dad, i’m just happy we’re all here” she smiled as she held back tears. but her dad knew she wanted to cry.

“me and your mom got you something” he smiled and looked at his wife. the woman smiled sadly and reach in her purse to pull out a small purple box.

olivia grabbed the box from her mothers hand and opened it slowly. a beautiful butterfly necklace was revealed.

“it took a little while for us to find the perfect one” her moms sniffled. “we wanted you to love it”

thinking back on that moment. ivy now understood they wanted it to be special because it would be the last gift she would ever receive from her father.

“thank you mommy. thank you daddy” she whispered and pecked her dads forehead.

sadly, on june 29, her father passed away in the middle of the night. for some reason, her brain blocks this moment out. it’s all a blur.

her and her sister were sleeping on the little couch the nurses had set up and her brother was laying on the sleeping bag he had brought on the floor. it happened so suddenly. she woke up to her mom hysterically crying and weeping.

her brother and sister were frantic as nurses guided them three of them out of the room. but she does remember the last look she had at her dad.

he didn’t look real, more like a painting. or a sculpture maybe. his skin was practically white and his body was lifeless.

her whole family was in a depression, especially her mom. after losing her husband, she started drinking to numb the pain.

her grandparents left ohio and went back to korea completely unannounced. it was up to miya and austin to take care of themselves, each other, and of course olivia.

after a month of her fathers passing. the family had got a call from aggy’s mom informing them that aggy passed away july 25. so now she lost her dad and her best friend. along with that her mom isn’t stable enough to take care of her and her siblings, and her grandparents were m.i.a.

when she turned 12, that’s when her moms drinking got worse. she was living off of beer and tv dinners. she was also now mentally abusive toward her children.

austin became the child that started work. he would work late at night and then go to school all day. he was responsible for the families income at age 14.

miya was rarely ever home as well, but she was gone to escape their mom. she would rebel, hang out with her boyfriend, who ivy later found out was physically abusive.

then ivy was the kid that did the chores. she would also clean the neighbors houses to help pay her dance fees. the neighbors would always feel bad so they’d usually give her $30 for each chore she did. that was barely enough though.

and somehow, none of their friends ever noticed anything. except for austin’s, he’s always shut down plans to work and was overly tired all the time. but the friends did start noticing behavior changes

ivy became really depressed and spent most of her days just waiting for them to end.

the family got some income from the bank after the fathers passing. the kids were all in his will, earning $114k each. but they wouldn’t receive that until age 18.

around this time, ivy got into contact with her grandparent. begging day after day to move their and live out her dream of being an idol. her siblings would even call and beg the grandparents to let her, not wanting her to experience this life anymore.

after months of begging, her grandparents finally agreed to move her out to korea. she had already submitted audition videos to big companies like sm, jyp, yg, bighit etc.

she was 13 when she was officially moved into korea. she lived with her grandma and grandpa for a month before moving into the jyp dorms. she trained there for a year before being sent off to audition for produce 101.

during this time, she experienced great stress. her anxiety and depression led to suicidal thoughts and almost had to leave the show because of it. many fans who were supporting her throughout the show noticed her getting skinnier and skinnier by the episode.

somi, who became her best friend instantly, was also worried for her. ivy felt bad that she was worrying people. but she couldn’t help it, her mind controlled her. her thoughts were always telling her to do something. she would practice all the time and forget to eat.

somi would often watch after her to make sure she would at least eat a bagel and drink water everyday.

it wasn’t long before ivy would share her story, only parts of it publicly. her story reached american headlines, meaning her family and friends had seen it.

she was struggling for years. and it was only recently when she found inner happiness. she worked hard during produce, and didn’t win. and of course, she left jyp and moved to kq where she met her life long friends.

her boys have helped her so much, they were there to listen to her story, to hug her when she cried.

those are her boys, her family. her home.

#ateez #added member #kpop #ateez 9th member #ateez imagines #ateez fluff #hongjoong #jongho #mingi #san #yunho #seonghwa #wooyoung #yeosang #yeosang imagines #yunho imagines #mingi imagines #wooyoung imagines #hongjoong imagines #seonghwa imagines #jongho imagines #san imagines #ivy update #ivy #kpop imagines #fanfiction #ateez ninth member

[scapegrace74-blog]

Ginger Snap, Chapter 6

A/N  Well, here it is.  The last chapter of Ginger Snap.   As an unplanned fic inspired by a vanity license plate, I’m happy with how it turned out.   There will be a short epilogue posted in the next week or so.  In the meantime,  thank you so much for coming on this unexpected ride with me!   This chapter’s themed title is Fire in the Belly.

Previous chapters are best enjoyed on my AO3 page, because I have a bad habit of going back and editing them after they’ve been posted.

The next five months were some of the most difficult of my life.  

After our talk, Frank and I agreed that it would be best that we parted ways.  The Southside flat was close to the university, plus I’d never truly felt at home there, so it made sense for him to keep it.  Fortunately, we’d never combined our savings and I still had money tucked away from my time as a medical resident in Boston.

Geillis wanted me to move into her sprawling Murrayfield home, at least temporarily, but I knew that I needed a place of my own.  To stand on my own two feet, as it were.   Which was how I found myself moving my few belongings into a modest Morningside walk-up as the rest of Edinburgh celebrated Hogmanay with fireworks and drunken revelry.

I scheduled the written component of my medical licensing exam for February.  This was likely foolhardy, but I’d already wasted enough time.  As a result, almost every waking hour was dedicated to studying.  The flat remained an empty box whose naked beige walls bore witness to my rudimentary existence.

Geillis called regularly, reminding me to eat and to occasionally step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Returning up the high street from one of our weekly coffee dates, a bright flash in a shop window caught my eye.

I stopped and stared as the afternoon sun lit the vase like a shard of stained glass.  It was a profound shade of blue: the colour of a field of indigo, of the night sky in a Byzantine icon, of Jamie’s eyes when he laughed.  It sat on my windowsill, filled with the season’s first daffodils, as I pored over practice exams.

***

“Geillis, I passed!  I fucking passed!”  An elderly woman seated across from me on the bus muttered under her breath about vulgar Sassenachs, but I was too elated to care.

“Of course ye did, ye brilliant disaster.  Now I can brag tae the neighbours I have my own personal physician.”

“Not so fast, Duncan.  I still need to pass the clinical exam, and that’s no small thing.”  My gut twisted just thinking about it, but unlike the written exam, there was little I could do to prepare.  Either I knew how to perform as a doctor or I did not.  The long months since I’d last treated a patient loomed like a large shadow over that question.

“Och, yer bum’s oot the window Claire,” my friend dismissed blithely.  “Ye’re gonna do great.  When do ye head down tae yer homeland, then?”

“May first.”  The practical examination took place in Manchester and needed to be scheduled three months in advance.

“Sounds like ye’ve got some time on yer hands.  Whate’er are ye going tae do with yerself?” Geillis asked in a singsong voice.

Fortunately for me, spring was Edinburgh’s most pleasant season.  Its many gardens and laneways erupted in carpets of buds and blooms.  The air smelled fresh and green, like biting into a tart apple.  I took long walks and fell in love with the city I now called home.  There were secondhand bookstores to explore and a weekly craft market where I gradually amassed an assortment of items that made my flat feel like a home.  With each passing day, my existence felt more and more like a life; one I defined for myself.

I also started to explore my options for employment, hoping for a job offer from one of the city’s hospitals that was conditional upon my successful completion of the licensing process.  It was to that end that I found myself walking down the corridor of The Royal Edinburgh hospital after what I hoped had been a rather successful interview with the deputy director of surgery.

“Claire?”

I recognized her voice immediately.  Before turning around I closed my eyes and sent out a fervent appeal to the universe.

“Jenny, hi.  How are you?”

She looked just the same, her straight black hair such a contrast to her brother.  Next to her stood a man, but not the man I had conjured the moment I heard her voice.  I was unclear whether that meant my prayer had been answered or not.  Seeing my gaze stray, Jenny jumped to introductions.

“This is my husband, Ian.  We’re here fer treatment on his leg.”

“Nothing serious, I hope.”  

“Jes a fitting fer a new prosthetic.  Jenny keeps beatin’ me o’er the head with the old one, ye see.”  I laughed, instantly liking his easy-going manner, so in contrast with Jenny’s intensity.

“Ye must be the Claire I hear sae much about,” he went on, and I wondered what had been said about me in the Fraser household.

“Nothing bad, I hope.”

Ian smiled warmly.  “Only good things, I promise ye.”

“What brings ye tae the hospital, Claire?” Jenny interjected.

I explained how I was in the process of qualifying to practice medicine in Scotland, provided I could pass my exams.  Jenny and Ian were both delighted, congratulating me as though I’d already accomplished my goal.  As we spoke about Wee Jamie’s latest exploits and the ongoing growth of Ginger Snap, I couldn’t help notice that Jenny was staring at my hands.  At my left hand in particular.  Finally, I couldn’t resist temptation any longer.

“And, how is Jamie doing?”  I tried to sound casual, but I was certain my faltering voice betrayed me.

“Very well,” Jenny replied.  “Busy, as ye can imagine, but he thrives on chaos.”

I nodded, trying to be satisfied with the news that he was well.  It was the most I could hope for, really.  Jenny eyed me shrewdly before continuing.

“He’s a good man, my brother.  Any lass would be verra lucky tae have him.  I’d like tae see him settled, but he refuses tae be rushed.  Says the right woman is worth the wait.”  She paused before adding,  “I reckon ye ken wha’ he means.”

“Yes,” I breathed.  “I know exactly what he means.”

***

I took the overnight train from Edinburgh to Manchester.  It meant I was likely to arrive at the testing centre deprived of sleep, but I rationalized that most of my residency could be characterized as one long evaluation under similar conditions, and I hadn’t killed anyone yet.  Still, as the velvety darkness slipped by outside my window, studded by the lights of passing farms, my doubts got the better of me.

I texted Geillis, looking for moral support.  For once she didn’t reply immediately.  There was one other name on my laughably short list of contacts.  I deliberated for all of a minute, but the late hour and creeping panic made me impulsive.

Hello.

Best to start with something innocuous, rather than the slightly more revealing “I miss you.  I think about you every day.”  A reply bubble appeared immediately after I hit send.  At least I hadn’t woken him up.  A small tempest stirred in my gut.

Arsonist.  Hello.  How are you?

I tried to picture him.  Was he at home?  Working late?  Or, in a scenario that played out far too often in my mind, on a date?

I’m alright.  Well, to be honest, I feel like I’m going to puke and cry.  Not necessarily in that order.

Och, lass.  Do you need me to come over?

Damn it, this man.  I had done nothing to deserve his unswerving loyalty but mislead him and then disappear for months on end.  And yet here he was, willing to come to my aid on the flimsy pretext of a late night text.  Guilt and tenderness warred for possession of my heart.

That may prove a bit difficult, Jamie.  I’m on a train to England.

There was a long pause, and then a two letter reply.

Oh.

I realized at once that he’d leapt to the wrong conclusion: that I had left Edinburgh for good.  I rushed to correct the error.

I’m taking the second stage of my examination to practice as a NHS doctor tomorrow.   It’s all hands-on situations, and the licensing facility is in Manchester.

Arsonist, that’s wonderful news!  I’m so proud of you.

I blushed, then leaned my heated cheek against the chilled pane of glass.  It had been a rash impulse, but this conversation was exactly what I needed.  I wasn’t alone in this.  Geillis and Jamie were in my corner.

What has your stomach in a twist, then?

What if I’ve forgotten what to do?!  It’s been almost a year since I’ve so much as used a stethoscope, Jamie.  The exam is eighteen real-life situations and you’re given eight minutes to respond to each one.  Not a second longer.  I’m just...  what if I fail?

And there it was.  The kernel of fear that lived at the heart of everything I did.  What if I failed?   What if my best wasn’t good enough?

Claire, listen to me.  You’re a doctor, just as I am a chef.  It wouldn’t matter if I had not set foot in a kitchen in ten years, I would still remember how to cook, and I know that it’s the same for you.  I believe it with everything in me.

On some level, I knew that he was right.  But it still comforted me tremendously to hear it from someone I trusted.

Alright.  That helps.  I should let you get to bed.  Thank you for talking me off my ledge, Jamie.

Anytime, Arsonist.

As I got ready sign off, another text bubble appeared.

Oh, and Claire?  Don’t burn down their wee laboratory, okay? ;-)

I laughed out loud, muting my phone and reclining my seat.  Outside, the stars shone brightly, tiny fires in the firmament to guide me on my way.

***

It was a lovely late spring day, and the retractable doors to the fire station were open to the warm breeze.  I could hear Angus’ voice as he led a cooking demonstration for a group of young women; a bridal shower by the look of their ridiculous costumes.

“Mind the coriander, lass.  Tis a verra powerful aphrodisiac, ken?  I willna be held responsible if ye canna resist my considerable charms after ye eat yon soup.”

There was an outburst of giggles as I rounded the corner and entered the reception area.  Jenny was on the phone.  She halted mid-sentence when she saw me walk in.  I rubbed my hands down the front of my jeans, trying to stay calm.

“He’s in the storeroom, in the back,” Jenny prompted before I could even offer a greeting.  I smiled gratefully, relieved I didn’t have to make small talk.  I had only so much courage stored in reserve, and I didn’t want to use it all up before reaching my destination.

The storeroom was long and narrow, lit by a single naked bulb and girded with shelves.  Jamie stood with his broad back to the door, his curls absorbing the light like amber.  He had a clipboard in one hand, performing some kind of inventory.

“Jes how many lentils dae ye reckon we need, Janet?  There’s nine cans of them here already, and ye have us ordering ten more.”

I’d almost forgotten how much I loved his voice, the undulating grit and silk of it.  I had to remaster the art of speech before I could reply.

“It’s not Jenny.  It’s me.  Claire.”

He froze, and if it weren’t for the sudden rapid flow of his breath I would have assumed he hadn’t heard me.  My nerves got the better of me and I blurted out, “I like lentils.  You should listen to your sister.”

“Claire.”  More sigh than word.  He slowly turned.  It was when our eyes met that I knew nothing had changed for him.  It was still there, after all these months.  That look that told me I was the map to his journey, the focus to his vision, the reason to his why.  

Hopefully he could read that same certainty on my face.

“I passed my exams,” I began.  “I’m a doctor again.”

“Ye never stopped bein’ a doctor.  This jus’ makes it official.”

“I’m still a disaster in the kitchen,” I continued.  “Last week I ruined two saucepans.”

“Tha’s only a tragedy if ye dinna have someone willin’ tae cook fer ye,” he replied with a strange squinting motion I understood was meant to be a wink.

“I’m still learning who I am.  How to be true to the person on the inside,” I confessed.  This is what had kept me away for so long, worried that I would escape from Frank’s orbit just to be caught up in another.  Jamie never once expected my submission, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t offer it out of habit.

“I’ll let ye in on a secret.  Sae is everyone else,” he replied.

Without realizing it, we’d both been moving until we were crowded together amongst the dried herbs and canned goods.  My hand rested against the solid metronome of his heart.  Just one more confession to go.

“I burn for you in a way I’ve never burned for anything before.”

There.  It was said.  A thousand wings of rapture beat against the cage of my ribs, clamoring to break free.  Jamie carefully pushed a loose curl behind my ear before cupping my jaw.

“Wee arsonist.  Come, set my life on fire.”

#my writing #outlander #ginger snap

[theladyoflove]

The Athenian Calendar 🏛️🌿📅

There was no standard calendar in ancient greece, however the most written about and commonly used one by modern reconstructionists is the Athenian Calendar! This calendar can be easily incorporated into the Gregorian Calendar as well (in my opinion)

I would like to thank @hermesmystic for creating a beautiful lesson on our Hellenismos Online Temple discord server! It helped a lot with this post ♥

It’s a long one so brace yourself!

D A Y S 🌇 The days in the Athenian Calendar begin at sunset. This was important for being able to observe festivals or holy days, if they were to begin at midnight like it does for us, the Greeks would have had a much harder time practicing their religion.

The main Olympians have sacred days of the week which can be used if you would like to make small daily offerings. Weekdays have two gods and weekends have three. A week in review would be: Monday: Artemis and Demeter 🏹🌾 Tuesday: Ares and Athena ⚔️📜 Wednesday: Hermes and Hephaestus 📬🛠️ Thursday: Zeus and Hera 🌩️💍 Friday: Dionysus and Aphrodite 🍇🕊️ Saturday: Hestia, Hades and Persephone 🕯️💀 Sunday: Apollo, Posedion and Amphitrite ☀️🌊

Obviously you don’t need to change your clock and begin living your life around this BUT it is useful to remember.

M O N T H S 🌑 The months are where it gets a little complicated! So we’ll begin with the way the months began and ended and that is with the new moon.

Most Athenian months will fall between two Gregorian months, and sometimes a Gregorian month can have two full moons. A rule of thumb to remember with this is an Athenian month begins on the last (or only) new moon of a Gregorian month and ends on the first (or only) new moon in the next Gregorian month.

The Athenian Calendar also has seasons like the Gregorian calender, and these seasons have three months within them.

S u m m e r: 🌻🏄 Season Theme: Setting foundations and goals Hekatombion (holy month of Zeus 🌩️) - Falls between July/August. Theme: Planning and getting your life sorted Festivals for this month are the: Aphrodisia (6th), Kronia (12th), Synoikia (15-16th) and Panathenaia (28th)

Metageitnion (holy month of Demeter 🌾) - Falls between August/September Theme: Securing foundations from the previous month This month doesn’t have confirmed festivals but these are believed to fall under this month: Metageitnios (Unknown), Herakles Emera (Unknown)

Voedromion (holy month of Hestia 🕯️) - Falls between September/October Theme: Focus on spiritual/religious comfort Festivals for this month are the: Genesia (5th), Kharisteria (6th), Boidromia (7th), Eleusinian Mysteries (15th-21st)

The Eleusinian Mysteries was the most important festival in the Athenian year held in honour of Demeter and Persephone. What happened during this festival isn’t well known so it’s challenging for a modern Hellenic Polytheist but for the ancient Greeks acknowledging the festival was important, acknowledging meant to observe the festival, in the modern sense this can be doing a personal ritual.

A u t u m n / F a l l: 🍂🥧 Season Theme: Tackling hardships, the gods challenge Pyanepsion (holy month of Ares ⚔️) - Falls between October/November Theme: Time for tackling hardships Festivals for this month are the: Proerosia (5th), Puanepsia (6th), Oskhophoria (7th), Theseia (8th), Stenia (9th), Thesmophoria (11-13th), Khalkeia (30th)

Maimakterion (holy month of Artemis 🏹) - Falls between November/December Theme: Time for taking care of yourself through hardship Festivals for this month are the: Maimakeria (unknown), Pompaia (20-end)

Poseideon (holy month of Poseidon 🌊) - Falls between December/January Theme: A time to prove work ethic (or arete) to the gods Festivals for this month are the: Poseidea (8th), Rural Dionysia (last two weeks of the month), Haloa (26th)

W i n t e r: ❄️☃️ Season Theme: A time to recover and revise goals Gamelion (holy month of Hera 💍) - Falls between January/February Theme: Time to reconnect with the gods Festivals for this month are the: Lenaia (12-15), Gamelia (26)

Anthesterion (holy month of Haephestus 🛠️) - Falls between February/March Theme: Time for ingenuity/finding creative solutions Festivals for this month are the: Anthesteria (11-13th), Diasia (23**/28th)*, Lesser Mysteries (unknown)

Elafevolion (holy month of Athena 📜) - Falls between March/April Theme: Reflecting on potential weaknesses and improving Festivals for this month are the: Elapheblia (6th), Asklepieia (8**/9th)*, Greater Dionysia (9-13th), Pandia (14/17th**)*

S p r i n g: 🌷🐣 Season Theme: Strength and Hope! Mounikhion (holy month of Aphrodite 🕊️) - Falls between April/May Theme: Celebrate the progress you’ve made! Festivals for this month are the: Feast of Eros (4th), Mounikhia (6/16th**)*, Olympieia (19th)

Thargelion (holy month of Apollo ☀️) - Falls between May/June Theme: Faith and Divination, working hard Festivals for this month are the: Thargelia (6-7th), Plunteria (Last week with the peak on 25th)

Skiroforion (holy month of Hermes 📬) - Falls between June/July Theme: Making goals for the new year, devotion Festivals for this month are the: Arrhephoria (3rd), Skirophoria (12th), Dipolieia (14th) 

[* means it can be observed on either day] [** means that is the prefered date to observe it]

Each month has an 11 day transitionary period from one to the next called the Neos Minas, each day (except one) has an event that help to fully transition spiritually from the theme of one month to the next.

Day 1: Chthonia 1 - the 3rd day before the end of the old month 🧹 Day 2: Chthonia 2 - the 2nd day before the end of the old month 🧹 Day 3: Hekate’s Deipnon - last day of the old month 👻 Day 4: Noumenia - First day of the new month ✨ Day 5: Agathos Daimon - 2nd day of the new month 🎉 Day 6: Tritomenis - 3rd day of the new month / Athena’s birthday 📜 Day 7: Tetras - 4th day of the new month 💖 Day 8: Rest Day - 5th day of the new month 🥱 Day 9: Birth of Artemis - 6th day of the new month 🏹 Day 10: Birth of Apollo - 7th day of the new month ☀️ Day 11: Poseidonas - 8th day of the new month 😤

M o n t h   1 3 ? Occasionally there will be two new moons in a Gregorian month, this was a dillema for the ancient Greeks as well and their solution was to add a 13th month! Mounikhion has to begin and Elafevolion has to end on the same day but there are two new moons... what do we do? Who do we honour?!

DIONYSUS TIME BAYBEEE 🍇🍇🍇🍇

Dionysus would be given a month whenever this issue would arise and it fit his theme perfectly, to come in and cause chaos! This month never had any festivals as it was so sparadic in length or time of year, routine went out the window! In even more Dionysus fashion this month isn’t named after him! It’s called Duo Poseideon and has nothing to do with Poseidon’s month!

Y E A R S 🎉 Years in the Athenian calendar begins in the summer, giving the Greeks plenty of energy to honour and celebrate. The final day of the year was always to honour Athena and Zeus for blessings in the new year

To keep with the theme of four seasons, the years were also grouped into fours called Olympiads 4 years = 1 Olympiad. The way to write the year would go as such: “Year 4 of the 704th Olympiad” Once the year is complete this summer it will become “Year 1 of the 705th Olympiad”

The years also come with their themes, they follow that of the seasons.

I hope this post was helpful! Sorry if I got anything wrong but I hope you can add some of this information to your worship and have fun with it! Don’t worry about trying to follow the calendar perfectly.

Gods bless xx ♥

#hellenic polytheism #hellenic pagan #hellenic polythiest #hellenism #Hellenismos #hellenic community #hellenic pantheon #zeus #hera #poseidon #hades #persephone #apollo #hermes #aphrodite #hephaestus #ares #athena #artemis #dionysus #long post