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#now I’ve made myself sad again
ejzah · 11 months
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A few thoughts, that turned into a personal essay and then some rambles.
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It’s been a few days since the NCIS: LA series finale aired, and I think I’m finally ready to compose a few more coherent thoughts than “baby!” and “I’ll miss them”.
At the time I began watching the show (just after the sixth season ended), I had recently graduated with my bachelors degree and was whiling away the summer with a part time job, and wondering what I would do with my life (and brand new degree). I first discovered the show after seeing a few posts online about Densi. I figured I’d give it a try, having no idea what I was about to get myself into.
The first season dragged a little for me until one Detective Marty Deeks entered the picture. With his addition, I looked forward to every episode and quickly burned through all the available seasons. I literally woke up some mornings, anticipating the moment I could get home from work to watch more.
LA was also the series that inspired me to get more involved with fanfiction, first seeking out every fic related to the Descent/Ascension arc, then searching out my favorite authors on Tumblr, and eventually trying my own hand at writing about my favorite characters.
I never expected to find a wonderful group of fellow fans, new and old, to discuss, rant, and rave (in a good way) about Deeks, Densi, Kensi, and so forth in the process. This community’s encouragement and support gave me the confidence to keep writing, even when it seemed laborious and futile. They lured me out of my silent lurking to participate in discussions, fan events, and fic exchanges.
Eight years ago, I would never have anticipated that I would have so many online friends or that I would write several hundred thousand words of fanfiction dedicated to my favorite characters. Or have the confidence to profess my undying affection for Marty Deeks at every chance.
This show, these characters, these friends, saw me through hard days at work, the boring days, sad moments, and kept me going for the entirety of my graduate studies.
We celebrated, raged, complained, cried, and sometimes shared group anxiety together over this show.
This is what this show has meant to me. I know that we will continue to celebrate and enjoy rewatches together and connect in other ways, but I still feel a great loss with this show’s ending.
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I saw the white/blue/gold in the other ask and my mind immediately went to this dress:
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Senator Shockwave could have taken a picture of himself where his plating's color is so hard to determine that it accidentally starts a controversial discussion all over Cybertron.
You can ignore this, it was just a fun thought.
“Oh my gosh ye— wait. That’s probably not possible because…science.” <- my initial reaction
Reality aside, that would be hilarious.
But also! Imagine this: The Senate had an account on whatever social media network existed at the time.
Each senator was given access to it when it was their turn, and it was their job to make the Senate look good in some way during their time running it. (A month, a quarter of a year, whatever)
Being more than a little vain with a revolutionary streak, Shockwave had other ideas. lol
Dai Atlas: Remind me again how you got banned from running the Senate’s account?
Shockwave: Supposedly, I was posting “personal content” too often. My frequent posts about my paint jobs weren’t well received. Neither were my “inappropriate” posts about interesting things and people who caught my eye.
Dai Atlas: …I see.
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8rujaa · 7 months
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to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?
#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened#i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close#and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way#i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao#now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest#and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell#i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop#but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again#i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier#it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men#and i find myself unable to connect with anyone…#i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed#i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it#i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly.#i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad#i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so#i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized…#when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was#like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u#i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function.#plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized#how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone…#i went thru all that for nothing…#and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why#brain vomit
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titsthedamnseason · 6 months
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my roommate cut my hair for me tonight and at first i was (secretly) sad because it is wayyyyy too short but then i realized. i literally just got the 1989 chop. like this was all meant to happen this way
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romantichopelessly · 1 year
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do you ever feel like you aren’t actually feeling an emotion, just thinking about it?
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manneatcr · 11 months
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I’m sad, I’ve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didn’t have time to even start anything and now it’s over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year
#this is if I’m also not dying next year… which is unlikely#don’t do what I do. don’t work full time and do school full time. especially when you’re doing a dual graduate degree program. I’m in hell#brain screams#it especially makes me sad cause when I started writing fics in the summer it made me SO happy to be writing again!!!#especially about sailor moon!!! one of my special intrests and fav shows of all time!! it makes my brain SO HAPPY!!!#as I keep telling myself - just cause I don’t make these things now doesn’t mean I can do them in the future. my ideas will still be there#I can write the fics I want and finish the YouRube videos I’ve started. I can make silly little doodles and comics and short animations#I can take my Venus plus on hikes and exploring and to wonderful places!! we can go to museums and cafes and concerts!!#we can go to the ocean and climb mountains and get lost in the forest and get muddy and wet and cold and sit by campfires and climb on logs#I can take my not fully fleshed out idea of using her and my other plushes to make a sort of live action stop motion skit video!!#I want to be creative and free and have fun and live my life and pursue my passions!!#but rn… all i do is work. work and homework and class and homework. until I’m so fatigued I can’t walk and I can’t sleep and I can’t think#to be real watching the anime and having the codename: sailor v and stars arc of the manga is like one of the few things getting me through#when I’m so tired I can’t think I have those as comforts so I’m not sitting on the couch wanting to die#I find so much comfort in existing in the space of this fictional universe and I draw strength from the characters#like sailor moon helping me get through some of the hardest fucking shit I’ve ever done in my life. and helping me remember to love myself#also lowkey helping me fight off my depression and ed and substance abuse issues#I just both get so much joy and comfort from this space but also I feel I owe it so much gratitude for kinda helping me from crumbling#I want to also contribute to this space cause it gives me joy to do so and cause i want to give back and contribute to others joy as well#like it’s a combo of I love this and want to and also as a form of gratitude i want to and also to help others experience joy I want to#but… I don’t have the time or energy now. and if my life keeps going on like this. will I ever? I’ve never let myself slow down.#idk if I ever will :( oh well
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asteralien · 1 year
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listening to “bloody mary” and forlornly imagining which lines i would put in the front of my judas novella when it was published. IF I COULD EVER PUBLISH IT
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urbanfiltered · 1 year
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i cannot stop talking huh
#oh man#finally saw my favorite band live yday but then spent today teary and in despair#the come down from all that adrenaline was so ROUGH i feel so empty and sad#like don’t get me wrong it was like a top 10 night for me i will never forget#the lead singer & i got to chat and exchange jewelry after the show and like afterwards i was full body trembling like a chihuahua like#i’ve never loved life more#but now everything feels so grey and unsatisfactory#ugh!!!!!!!!#i’m TIRED of it grandpa i’m tired of constantly planning enrichment activities for myself so i don’t leap off a building!!!!!!#also i thoufht i wss going to do a lot of wholesome hobby stuff once i moved out#like start drawing and writing and reading again and perhaps even picking back up instruments and stuff#but instead i have to schedule social interactions constantly back to back to back bc i cannot stand being alone#but then conversely when the stars aligned and my friend’s lease was ending and i wss up for transfer i was like no#i can’t do it i love being alone actually#a roommate would probably be good for my brain but at the same time i’be spent the past two years bouncing in between#stifling living conditions that never gave me my own space so now i do have to sit here and fiercely remind myself that i NEED this#anyways one ray of positivity is that i made a soup today and oh my god it is so delicious#my second soup i’ve made in this apartment and i do consider myself a culinary genius of just this genre#it’s just annoying that this is the only day this entire week that i blocked out to make myself sit in my apartment and not see anybody#but yet i’m still fiending for at least a phone call and hoping a friend texts spontaneously#i’ve been running back to back between my friends and i was like ahhhh ok i finally get a day to relax#but i do think it was a bad idea to place it right after the show bc i DEFINITELY needed company today#half the time i didn’t even know why i was crying
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victory-cookies · 2 months
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bro I’ll never again be able to do it like I was doing it in high school
#I just read through my final essay for AP lang and the closing statement I wrote for my law class’ mock trial and they’re both such bangers#like genuinely the writing in both is better than what I could do today (to be fair at that time I had just taken a year of ap lang#and that had made me really really good at essays)#and like my valedictory! that shit ruled! I was told it was the best valedictorian speech most of my teachers had heard in a decade!#I was thriving!#Ok I wasn’t fully thriving but still. I had a 96% avg and was consistently churning out stellar work#plus I still had friends lol. uni has not been kind to me in that way#I miss it tbh. Like I defo had my ups and downs but god I was just such a different and better person then#I didn’t skip a single class in high school. Nowadays I skip half my lectures.#I just found out my com class is done with marked attendance so you bet your ass I’m gonna stop going to that!#like high school me could have never. high school me had 100% in bio 97% in physics and 96% in chem#and was looking forward to a career in stem. lol#anyway I’m just reminiscing#when I think about my childhood I get painfully nostalgic. When I think about high school I just feel sad that I’ve fallen so far#I miss being a good student who the teachers all liked who was in clubs and sports and leadership and the arts#and I recognize I could become that again if I really worked at it#but idk. something’s changed#I think I’m burnt out first and foremost. And then I just don’t care as much anymore. and as a result I’ve really stopped trying as hard#and it’s too bad#bro what happened to this post I was just gonna poke fun at myself for writing better in grade 11 than I do now years later#and then I had to get all sad about it
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robertsbarbie · 6 months
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castdowns · 6 months
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26.
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diari0deglierrori · 8 months
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Don’t know why I even had a tiny hope they’d notice at least some of the efforts I put into preparing the house for them, getting all their favorite stuff and all, but it’s not the lack of thank yous or anything it’s the fact that her first instinct instead is to find something to complain about. No wonder I’m at my worst whenever we have to live together, she brings out the worst in me
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jamminvroomvroom · 2 months
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no more mister shy guy.
OP x fem!reader
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in which you can’t work out why he just won’t sleep with you
i am neither normal, nor am i hinged! i hope you guys get the vision, i literally wrote this last night possessed by some feral urge bc i just love oscar sm and i’ve been needing to write for him sooo baaad. enjoy! pls lemme know what you think <3
songs to set the vibes: delicate by taylor swift, good looking by suki waterhouse, my kind of woman by max demarco, feeling myself by wolf alice
warnings: 18+!! minors dni!! smut, pwp but also there is some plot? overstimulation, crying in a hot way, choking, unprotected sex (L bozo don’t do that!) the most minor moment of angst, fluff
2.8k words
you watch him make coffee, daydreaming, balancing your heavy head on your hand. you study him while your free hand taps against the kitchen counter, nails drumming a random beat. sunlight streams through a gap in the curtains, framing him golden. you don’t think he knows how pretty he is.
oscar is oblivious to the way your mind is ticking behind him, twisting the cap on the carton of oat-milk. you hear the plastic fall onto the counter and your tongue wets your lower lip as he reaches up into the cupboard, his back flexing beneath his shirt as he finds your favourite mug. you realise then how swollen your lip is, snapped out of the trance he had you in, the one that had you biting your lip so hard, completely mindlessly.
he’s bulked up over the winter break, filled out a lot over the course of his rookie season. he’s no longer the scrawny, anxious guy you’d met at your fathers work event a year ago, he’s broader, thicker in your hands, utterly delicious. as much as you like the way he looks, you like his mind a whole lot more. if only you knew what was going on inside it.
oscar is an enigma, quiet, hilariously dry, the kindest man you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. you’ve been together since the start of the winter break, november, after awkward run ins and plenty of pining since the start of his first season. you’d travel to races with your dad, a mclaren sponsor, and run into the australian, stare at each other and pretend no one noticed. after months of teasing from lando, oscar finally got the kick up the arse that he needed and you’d said yes to dinner before he’d even finished asking the question.
it’s february now, a week til he needs to be in bahrain. the last three months had been serene, spent with a man made of sunshine, and you’re sad to see him go, as if you won’t be in the emirates a mere four days after him. you fear the way you’ll ache for him, having been inseparable since the dinner that started it all.
but then again, it can’t be worse than the way you ache for him now.
“sweetheart?” oscar is waving his hand in front of your face when you realise he’s been calling your name for a good 15 seconds, and you have, in fact, been staring. hm? you jump, staring at him bewildered. he looks amused. “you okay?” he coos, sliding the coffee across the island towards you.
“yeah, sorry, i, um, i just- why won’t you have sex with me?” you blurt, slapping your hand over your mouth as soon as you realise what you’ve just said.
oscar just blinks, mouth forming a little o, the permanent blush he seems to have increasing tenfold. you instantly feel guilty for ambushing him, but you were at the end of your tether. three months of nothing, nada, zilch. every move you made was refuted, ignored as if he was oblivious. you were ravenous for him, he’s so gorgeous! and you didn’t want to pressure him, but you were starting to feel like there was something wrong with you.
you’d wake up in bed with him wrapped around you, grinding against your ass in his sleep, and you’d revel in it, the rare times that he actually seemed to want you like that. you loved him regardless, of course you did, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t need to be… dealt with. urgently.
“i- um- what?” oscar splutters, and the bottom of his mug blinks against the granite.
“is there something wrong with me? am i not pretty enough?” you whisper, shy. “do you just not… like- do you not want to do that?” you ramble.
panic fills his face, and he’s rushing around the island, by your side in an instant. he takes your hands into his, finding your eyes. they’ve grown watery, a mixture of guilt and desperation swirling in them which makes him feel ill.
“baby, no, god no.” he rushes the words out, desperate to convince you that it wasn’t you. “you’re the most beautiful person in the entire world, prettiest girl i ever saw.” he promises. “i’m just… it’s scary.”
“oh, osc.” your face falls, and you want to throw yourself off of the balcony. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to pressure you. if it makes you feel better, i’m scared too. but i love you so much, i just want to feel even closer to you.”
“you didn’t make me feel pressured, i’m just sorry i made you feel unwanted. trust me, i want you like that. drives me insane. but i’ve never had sex before with someone that i love. not the way i love you, anyway. scared that i won’t be good enough for you.” he murmurs.
you’re hung up on the part where you drive him crazy, the part where he loves you like that, and then you remember how vulnerable he’s being, baring his entire soul to you, and you rip yourself from the fantasy.
your hands smooth over his shoulders, until you’re softly fisting a clump of hair at the nape of his neck.
“i love you. insanely. we’ll go slow.” you state. he moulds further against you, and you quickly realise it’s for leverage, because the next thing you know, you’re in his arms. he has his hands hooked under your thighs and he’s kissing you so, so deeply that you’re dizzy. you don’t realise that you’re halfway to his bedroom until he pulls away.
“i don’t wanna go slow anymore.”
oscar places you on your feet at the end of his bed, the large, plush king-sized mattress that is currently calling both of your names. your blouse gets unbuttoned first, his hands shaking in a way that makes you melt, and his lips trail over every inch of bare skin that he uncovers. when it finally falls to the floor, his pupils are blown wide, his hands palming intricate black lace. your jeans are stripped away mercilessly, his hands shaking less now, and you take it as a sign to crawl backwards onto the bed.
he stands there, watching you, apprehensive again. you can see how hard he is, how desperately strained his cock is through the light grey of his sweatpants, and so you switch tactics. your hand grazes your tummy, skimming up your abdomen until you reach a bra strap. you toy with the elastic, holding the kind of eye contact that makes him twitch, tugging it until it hangs loosely off of your shoulder.
“i need you, osc. i trust you.” you utter, soft and enticing. one finger runs under the cup of your bra, flicking over your nipple. he can just about see the hardened bud through the lace of your bra. it’s not enough, though, and every ounce of self control depletes when you whine, “want you inside of me so badly.”
the elastic band snaps and he’s on top of you, rutting between your legs like a man starved. you drag his shirt up and over his shoulder blades, moaning as you feel each and every muscle under your fingertips.
“just wanna make you feel good.” oscar rasps, rolling his hips even harder into your core.
“take these off.” you beg, pulling at the waistband of his joggers. he somehow musters the strength to pry himself off of you, just long enough to discard the uncomfortable material of his sweats, but as soon as he looks down, his plans change.
painted over the crotch of them is a shiny pool of your slick, and when his eyes flit hungrily to your core, he sees where you’ve soaked through your panties. you’re panting when you see the stain, and you just want to get him inside of you, but his priorities have changed. oscar collapses between your legs, head buried, tongue exploring.
he groans, carnal and needy, into the fabric of your underwear, laving his tongue over the lace. your eyes widen as he dives in, licking over the wet patch until he grows frustrated. you hear the tearing of the fabric, feel his big hands pawing at your thighs to spread them as wide as they’ll go. his tongue slides right inside of you and he whines. he fucking whines. the vibration nearly makes you scream. you can’t believe this is your oscar, the same oscar that had quivered with nerves a mere five minutes ago.
“oh my god.” you chant, rolling your hips against his face. you must be all over him by now, what with the way he’s sucking and slurping, obscene sounds of wetness sounding around the room. you’d be blushing a deep red if you weren’t so turned on, shaking against his bedspread which will probably need changing once he’s done with you.
you thought that maybe he was inexperienced and that was the source of his fear, but if he was, you never would have known. he was a natural in between your legs, nipping at your clit to get you even louder for him.
you cum faster than ever, and he’s mumbling something incoherent into your pussy when you do. you’re riding the high, midway through the bliss, when a thick finger slips its way inside of you. oscar realises that he can easily slide another in, and he does. he doesn’t thrust them in and out, he grinds them against your walls, and your mouth falls open as a silent scream forces it’s way out.
you cum a second time, in record time yet again, and he still doesn’t let up. he’s hitting that spot relentlessly with his fingers, keeping your clit between his swollen lips, and you’re begging him. for what, you’re not sure, but you’re whimpering his name like you’re going to die. and what a good way to go this would be.
his eyes meet yours, and he looks unhinged. that’s when you feel it. that all consuming, belly twisting rush.
“oscar!” you try to warn him, but it’s too late, and he knows it. he makes you squirt, because of course he does. the shy guy who was scared that he wouldn’t be able to please you makes you squirt.
he pulls his mouth off of you but keeps his fingers buried deep, eyes fixed on watching the way your pussy convulses.
“holy shit.” you cry. you’re staring down at him like you’ve gone insane. he’s smiling innocently.
“was that good?” he almost sounds shy and you want to kick him.
“are you… are you serious?” you rasp. oscar just shrugs. “get up here.” you reach for him and complies, slotting himself between your legs once more.
oscar resumes the rolls of his hips, and the friction of the grey fabric against your core makes your eyes roll back.
“please, oscar, fuck me.” you whine, his head falling into the crook of your neck. he bites down, leaving behind the sting of his teeth and a faint purple splotch.
“fucking love you.” he slurs, his accent thickening in a way that makes him sound that extra bit fucked out already.
“i love you.” you murmur, forcing his sweats down his legs. his boxers are wet, just like your panties were, and you can’t help but stare. oh, it’s big.
his boxers are peeled down and you can feel yourself throbbing. his cock hangs heavy, red and dripping, painfully hard. you reach for it, looking at him to make sure it’s okay to touch, and he’s rapidly nodding his head. your small hand struggles but you make it work, and his head tips back, exposing his thick neck that you want to suck purple. your hand works over him a few times, and a visible shiver running through his body makes you stop.
“you ready for me?” he asks through gritted teeth.
“please.” you gasp, locking your legs around his waist. “however you want me, ‘m yours.” you breathe.
oscar’s eyes roll back in his head, your words sending his brain blank, and then he’s pushing home, slow and deep.
“fucking hell.” he groans, guttural. you’re so tight, warm, soaking wet. he feels like the biggest idiot in the world for waiting so long for this.
“oh.” you gasp, your eyebrows knitting together. he’s so deep. “so full.” you pant.
“can you take it, sweetheart?” oscar’s lips bump your jaw. “want you to take it.” you nod profusely, desperate to hear him run his mouth even further. your eyes clench shut when you feel him move, just the tiniest bit, readjusting.
“move.” you plead. he’s staring down at you, watching every single micro movement of your face.
oscar pulls out the smallest bit and thrusts back in, nice and slow. the drag drives you feral, the weight of him on top of you makes you weak. you want to stay like this until the end of days.
“good?” he hisses, trying to keep composed. he’s finally inside of you, claiming you as his in the most intimate way of all. he tries not to think about how many times he could have had you begging under him in the last three months.
“so good, so good.” you repeat, pushing your hips up to try and meet his.
“so pretty like this for me. always so, so pretty.” he rambles. he realises that he never quite made it as far as getting your bra off, and he needs to see all of you. the cups are tugged haphazardly down, and oscar stares at your breasts like he’s never seen tits before. you hear him hum, low and greedy, and then you feel the wet drag of his tongue across your nipple.
the animalistic whine that he rips from you makes him thrust harder, upping his pace a bit. he can hear how much wetter you get when he picks up his pace, and he changes up his rhythm, pushing all the way in and dragging out again at lightning speed. your jaw goes slack and your eyes are damp.
“baby, what’s wrong?” oscar slows to a stop, and you want to scream.
“no, no, no, keep going.” you choke out, your throat constricting with a sob. “it’s so good. feel so good.” you sound drunk, all for him, and he loses his mind completely.
he taps into that athletic stamina, fucking into you with a newfound vigour that you didn’t think was humanly possible, and you feel things that you didn’t even know you could feasibly feel. you see stars behind your eyes, his face, and nothing else but bright white. calloused fingers find your clit, and you wonder fleetingly if he’s trying to kill you when he rubs messy shapes into the much too overstimulated bud. his teeth graze your nipple, and everything seems to come together perfectly.
thick tears run hot down your cheeks, only to be licked away by eager tongue. your belly tightens, aflame for him; he’s wound your body up perfectly and you’ve never in your life teetered so dangerously over the edge.
“can feel you, baby. want you to cum, okay? ‘n then i’m gonna fill you up.” oscar grunts. you clamp down on him even tighter, thanking god for oscar’s filthy fucking mouth and birth control, and then everything snaps.
you think you scream, you know that you’re sobbing, and your throat is raw when the wave hits. oscar keeps going, intensifying your pleasure, and when he finally let’s go, it’s the most beautiful fucking thing you’ve ever seen. it’s surreal, the way his neck flexes, eyes clenched tight, brown locks flopping over his sweat damped forehead. and the sounds he makes, god. he’s muttering into your ear, lewd and shameless, and a fifth orgasm nearly takes you under.
“gonna need you everyday like this, tight fucking pussy, all mine. can’t live without this now. fucking perfect.” he’s rambling, burrowing deep into you one last time. you feel his warmth spilling into you, feel his hot breath fanning your face. he licks into your awaiting mouth.
“fuck.” you giggle, breathless.
“good?” he raises an eyebrow, grinning bashfully.
“more than worth the wait.” you whisper, mustering the strength to lift your head just enough so that you can peck his lips. “you better not hold out on me ever again though.” oscar laughs at that and you feel the rumble in your flushed chest.
“you promise?” there’s the shy guy again.
“osc, honey, that was the best. ever. ever. need you to be mr sex god more often.”
“only if you behave for me.” he smirks down at you.
“there he is.” you sigh happily.
when he snakes his way back between your legs, lapping up the mess he’s made, and then some, you wonder just what you’ve unleashed.
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whoops? lol
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lovelovex · 2 years
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#been trying to find the words for a while bc i feel like i always say the same thing#but maybe that’s the essence of that#years go by and ppl come and go but the feelings stay the same#and i’m so grateful i get to share that w all of you who stayed#i’m so grateful eleven years later there’s still love at the core of what we do and experience together#so much love#this summer has been a real test of my patience but you saved me and believe me when i say i’m not exaggerating#each and every one of you who’s sent me kind messages rly got me thru what must have been one of the lowest points in my life#each and every one of you who stayed by and on my side even when all i could do was fight back and cry saved me in every way imaginable#when i was a teenager every time i felt sad i just had to remind myself that i have both parents and a place to live and that’s what matters#but once i lost my dad that stopped working bc i felt incomplete#smth would always be missing#the kind of happiness i feel rn is the kind i haven’t felt for seven years#i finally feel complete again only bc you’ve all made me feel deeply loved and appreciated and reminded me of everything#that Actually matters in this life#the august shows were a real rollercoaster of emotions#saying goodbye is never easy for me i fucking hate goodbyes but now i’m absolutely sure of every decision i’ve made#again – all bc of you#idk what i’ve done to deserve being surrounded by all of you beautiful ppl but i’ll forever be grateful for the chance to know you all#this goes out to everyone idc if you were actively participating in shaping any of the performances#or simply chilled in the back of the room#you all are a part of the magic we create together#there are honestly no words to say how much i love and appreciate you all i just hope the songs we chose gave you the general idea#of how important every voice that sings along w us is#thank you for this wonderful summer and all the previous ones too#love’s right here to stay 🤍#ps. i read your msgs in my inbox every day and even tho i don’t reply know they make me happy and you make me happy
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lamexicanvainilla · 2 years
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