#I think I dissociated a bit too much or smth and now I’m wondering if I’ve been simulating humanity my whole life

[romantichopelessly]

do you ever feel like you aren’t actually feeling an emotion, just thinking about it?

#delete later #I think I dissociated a bit too much or smth and now I’m wondering if I’ve been simulating humanity my whole life #but also like. every time I feel something I tend to like. actively think about it #like I don’t just get sad feel sad cry and move on #if I’m sad or anxious or etc etc I will Think About it. #like intellectualize my emotions? #like I’ll actively think about what made me sad and my mind will string together like. lines of text describing all my symptoms of sad #or whatever emotion #like I’m writing the feelings into myself. like I’m some kind of robot trying to feel the most sad #or again. whatever emotion #like I’m trying to capture the emotion #anyway just kind of felt. blank. out of nowhere and caught myself thinking abt it like I was trying to fill in a different emotion #idk #I’m shutting up now

[sunsetsover]

Hi I come bearing the gift of a clip about Ben's psych report bc I saw your comment on minimitchells ask! Watch from 1:00 or so.

Context for the clip: Ben is being questioned by police after he confesses to killing Heather. The female detective, Marsden, thinks he's lying for attention because a few months earlier she had attempted to manipulate/encourage him into framing Phil for the murder of Stella. Ben had been harassing Phil with news articles etc about his last crimes as revenge for being a shit parent after he rejected him being gay etc (not dissimilar to 2019 Ben wanting to fleece him tbh). When it came out that Ben was lying about Phil killing Stella, he had to go to a psychiatrist as part of the police report I believe, so the things Marsden is quoting are from that. Marsden is basically taunting Ben with his psych report because she thinks he's lying about killing Heather and is angry because her attempt to use him to get to Phil failed and got her in trouble at work.

https://youtu.be/aQ0sZt3Y_ig

omg gift received what an angel thank you so much for coming to me w this !!! i really appreciate it !!

first of all that female officer was an absolute piece of shit like by the sounds of SHE tried to manipulate HIM, a minor, bc she had a grudge against phil and now she's mad bc it didn't work ?? ur really beefing w a child like this ??? ok

but it's really interesting watching stuff from pre-max's ben as an adult/when i'm actually paying attention but it's also incredibly sad. you just realize that ben was a kid who was let down by basically every single adult in his life, and he was (and still is) constantly paying the price for everyone elses fuck ups. he was just trying to cope and navigate through a world that was basically constantly spitting in his face. he had no adult to love and support him properly and nowhere to go that he felt safe. no wonder he came out of that fucked up.

he's like what, 15 in that clip?? so it would have been too early to diagnose bpd but for me symptoms had def started presenting themselves by then. i mean you could see his abandonment issues from space even back then so i don't really need to explain that lmao and don't get me wrong i'm not a doctor at all but the bit abt how he continually seeks out his dads attention either through pleasing or antagonising could be the 'intense and unstable personal relationships'/splitting starting to show itself and/or 'frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment' - basically him fluctuating between 'if i'm good maybe my dad will love me and he won't leave like my mum did' and 'if i'm bad maybe my dad will realize he can't afford to leave me on my own so he'll stay', u know? but i also can see how that could be read as a kid doing everything he can for his dad's attention, which happens in a lot of kids, but at the same time imo he's kind of too old at that point. most kids are starting to develop their sense of self outside of their parents by that point but to me it kind of reads like the fear of abandonment is so strong and who he is/was as a kid (gay, sensitive, loved dancing and musicals etc) was so suppressed that he didn't really develop as a person outside of being his father's son, purely bc he didn't want to lose the only parent he had left u know? which again goes back to doing whatever you feel necessary so you don't get abandoned, which is like thee core of bpd.

the bit abt him being unable to differentiate between real events and fantasies is a bit different than i thought. at first i thought it could be the 'transient stress induced paranoia/dissociation' symptom but idk. i mean it still could be but like i said i'm not a doctor and this is not a symptom i'm particularly familiar with anyway, plus like i said he would be too young to be diagnosed w bpd anyway so idk all the logistics of that kinda stuff but idk it could just be a kid who's so fucked and angry at the world that he imagined acting out and sometimes almost tricked himself into believing he did these things but like there are a lot of nuance in bpd and there could easily be an overlap between mental illnesses !!! idk !!!

there's also smth to be said abt him being incredibly impressionable (??) when it comes to other ppls opinions of him which still exists today and it's almost like... a self fulfilling prophecy but also could play into the whole 'unstable sense of self' thing.... like a 'everyone's saying im manipulative and selfish and evil and i don't really know who i am internally so i must be all those things' u know....

idk the bottom line is ben has had documented issues since he was literally a child and seeing as though they have literally never been addressed ofc they're still there and it's very sad and sadly realistic and also that marsden was a cunt tbh but thank you for sending me this i really appreciate it 💞💞💞

#anon #question #sorry if this didn't make any sense my attention is being pulled in like 8 directions rn