#not intentionally but.... i don't have control of myself in that state and i'm not able to make safe choices

[slippery-minghus]

i cant do this fucking waking up at 4:45am every other day for work bullshit anymore. i just fucking can't do it. it's never gotten easier and has instead started killing my soul.

i can't fucking do this. there is zero consistency to my sleep schedule and i do NOT have a morning person circadian rhythm. i just dont.

i need to fucking get out of this job

#trying soooo hard to avoid typos rn #finally got to bed and it's hard to type like this #but i'm so exhausted that i'm a half step from a meltdown and Making Mistakes will only send me over the edge #had to force myself to stop crying in the bathroom as i was getting ready for bed #because even though my eyes were closed knowing that there was a disgusting and pathetic expression on my face being reflected back at me #fucking triggered my fight or flight. and i had to turn off the emotion and flee #otherwise i was going to choose fight and reach for the sharpest thing i could find #not intentionally but.... i don't have control of myself in that state and i'm not able to make safe choices #okay. i'm going to sleep now before i start crying and end up with a wet pillow #personal

[saintsenara]

do you go with word of god about how tom would have been better off if merope lived and raised him or that it would have been even worse for him and merope would have become infatuated because of his resemblance to tom riddle sr? (Similar to how part of the fandom believes snape would be if harry resembled lily lmao) which of do you think its more interesting route?

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

i go for the first of the two options - that merope living would have been so much better for wee tom riddle jr. - not because it's what jkr says, but because i tend to loathe any interpretation of merope's character which undermines the fact that so much of her life could have been changed at numerous crucial moments by anyone connected to the wizarding state giving a fuck.

merope is a teenage girl who lives in abject poverty, has a treatable medical condition [exotropia - eyes which stare in different directions] for which she clearly hasn't received any medical care, is denied an education, is subjected to physical violence by her father right there on the canon page, and is implied in canon to be subjected to incestuous sexual violence by her father and/or brother. the state has numerous opportunities to remove her from this experience - when marvolo fails to respond to her hogwarts letter, when bob ogden visits the gaunts - and yet doesn't, and while i don't think that just being taken away from morfin and marvolo would have solved everything, it would have given her the safety to start healing...

i get why the idea of merope as this sinister, unhinged, devouring, unchangeable bundle of malevolence, who would destroy her own son by becoming infatuated with him, is compelling when the genre demands it to be - i've written her as a folk-horror villain myself, and she was perfect for the role - but in fics which aren't intentionally going for that sort of supernatural, dark fairytale, horror-story vibe... i don't think it hits.

merope's great tragedy - much like her son's - is that she is someone capable of and longing for a normal life, but who is denied this by the corrosive forces of grief, poverty, abuse, and indifference and who goes on to perpetuate harm in turn.

as i've said elsewhere, her rape [and we should call it what it is] of tom riddle sr. doesn't actually need to have any undercurrent of sadistic, unhinged infatuation to be both morally abhorrent and canon-coherent - her treatment at her father and brother's hands would hardly have given her an understanding of consent or bodily autonomy [and might also have made her believe that drugging a man until you can totally control him is the only way to prevent him hurting you], while the fact that the state just leaves her on her own after marvolo and morfin are arrested [with - presumably - no income to speak of] means that she can be understood as seeing tom sr. as her only escape from sliding ever further down the ladder of destitution.

does that mean that she didn't also - selfishly - desire tom sr.? absolutely not. it just means that i find it much more interesting when the idea of her wanting him for herself is given equal weight with all the other things in her life which shape her character - and that i also find it much more interesting when these forces are recognised as commonplace, human, and having pretty much nothing to do with magic.

[the state would not - after all - have had to raise a wand in order to unravel the abuse to which she is subjected... since it does this all the time in the real world - and i am definitely a sucker for stories which acknowledge that the greatest flaws in the wizarding world don't depend in the slightest on magic, but on human corruption.]

if she'd survived childbirth - while i'm certainly not suggesting that i think she'd have been a flawless mother, nor that the absence of a wizarding welfare state wouldn't have made their lives incredibly difficult - i think it's legitimately implausible to suggest that she'd have done anything other than love her son as her son [so, without any incestuous vibe].

[her comment - "i hope he looks like his papa" - is, i think, meant as mrs cole takes it - that she recognises that she's someone who isn't conventionally attractive by any means, and that she knows that tom riddle sr. is.]

#asks answered #asenora meta #merope gaunt #tom riddle #lord voldemort

[studentbyday]

30 days of intentionality

starting this challenge with the goal of taking it one day at a time. i have a hard time doing that these days. i spend more time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future than staying in the present, even if that's when i'm most content. not sure how i'll format my posts and most likely, i'll only do weekly updates bc daily ones are too overwhelming. i'll just go with the flow, trying to trust that everything will end up as it's meant to be and maybe i'll be more productive as focusing primarily on the present moment becomes a habit.

---

1. suo gân (arr. john williams for the ambrosian junior choir): i believe that if everyone lived by the idea of global citizenship and so saw the humanity in every individual from every background, there would be no war. reading the news fills me with fear, sorrow, and anxiety, but i also feel the responsibility to stay informed. did some studying today, more than yesterday, but it was kind of uncomfortable with the state of global politics lurking in the back of my mind. i'm still a little behind on school.

2. souvenir de paganini (chopin): today is not so bad. i'm making progress academically, but i do need to make time for social activities soon or i will get lonely and lose what little motivation i have very quickly.

3. once upon a december (arr. emile pandolfi): sometimes in the face of events and issues much bigger than myself that i have no control over, i feel like my dreams are pointless bc i think there's no way achieving them or trying to achieve them could possibly empower me to make real and important change that can truly benefit many. who knows if the future would even allow me to get that far. there are many things that could change the course of our lives that we don't have control over. but if others in worse situations than me and others much better informed than me can still have hope, then so can i. i didn't do much other than pharmacology and a little bit of philosophy today. i made more progress in pharmacology than expected, but that's only bc i didn't do any psych work. i also earned a few more mastery points on khan academy's integrated math 1 (not a priority, i know, but i wanted an easy win) and started lab tasks. i'm far from done with that, i need to do a little every day... i don't want to let them down! 🥺 (note to self: lying in bed is maybe NOT a good study break activity bc that just makes me not wanna do anything else after that and it's very very very hard to get out of that procrastination rut once i let myself fall into it.) 4. let's stay together (al green): everything should be going well, except i'm easily overwhelmed, and this time, it wasn't in an openly frazzled way, it was in a tired and slightly defeated "what's the point?" way, so i didn't realize it as quickly as i usually do. after some bed rest, cuddles 🧸, listening to steve jobs' commencement speech, and a little yoga, i felt better. "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." was something i didn't know i needed to hear today. i modified my to-do list and found that the list of things i "must do" was nearly as long as the list of things i "want to do" 😅

5. kreutzer sonata, movt. 1 (beethoven): pretty sure i've mentioned some of these songs before but...they really fit the mood! sometimes i feel things so strongly that i develop a tightening in my chest that can only be relieved in a scream... since i can't actually scream and i don't actually really like the physical feeling of it, i scream through exercise and music 😅 beethoven is very nice for when i'm feeling very annoyed or angry, especially if it's an anxious kind of angry or if it's anger at injustice/inequality. i can't find a piano solo version that does the fiery spirit of the violin justice. so in the vague future when i actually play this, either i try (and perhaps fail) to replicate that on the piano, or i find a violinist friend who would want to play with me 😅 right now though, imagining how i would physically create that sound on the piano will have to be enough. the prevailing thought/feeling of the day: sometimes i just really wanna believe in the good in people and believe that i can trust (some of) them. i long for that feeling of safety in a broader irl community that i actually belong in. i'm surprised by how often i long for it. but then my negativity is reinforced by news and people's opinions on it.

6. violin sonata no. 1 in g minor, bwv 1001 (j.s. bach): stuff was done. i felt calm/chill throughout the day, but even tho i feel good whenever that happens, it usually means i don't get an extraordinary amount of things done that day (lol since when do i ever). i'm not sure if it's enough, as there is still lots to do and i'm pretty sure that it's just wishful thinking that i'll achieve all my goals for this week by its end. i need to cut down my goals list to the realistic rather than idealistic version as always (school, lab, and basic self-maintenance tasks) 😅 gaawwwdd i hope i can do this...good night.

7. waltz in a minor, b. 150 (chopin): today and yesterday i have been able to keep my phone time under an hour. the days are blissful (if not at least calmer) and focused. 📚

8. only mine (laufey): cuddles in bed while listening to laufey is so soothing 🧸 takes me back to my childhood listening to lullabies in the dark 🥺 motivation to study is hard to find today. i just want to relax 🥺 i'll just do one tiny thing and see where i wanna go from there...

#30doi #30 days of intentionality #100dop #studyblr #philosophy studyblr #bioinformatics #premedblr #dark academia #study aesthetic #digital diary #heydilli #heyfrithams #astudentslifebuoy #brown aesthetic #vintage aesthetic #heyzainab #warm aesthetic #cafe aesthetic #cozy academia #romantic academia #classic academia #light academia #chaotic academia #highly sensitive person #100 days of productivity #100 days of studying #100 days of self discipline #music recs #song of the day #inspirational quotes

[thatdogmagic]

This is the last post I plan on making about the current situation.

I've been trying to recall what it is that might be getting repeated, and there's a couple instances I can think of that are pretty ripe for taking snips:

There are chat logs where I made unkind generalizations about autistic cis men, in the context of the majority of my experiences with them being largely negative, and being relieved that I had a space where my own neurodiversity had room to unfold.

She has chatlogs where I commented on not fully understanding trans men who still veered ultra-femmy, even though I don't have any trouble wrapping my head around butch trans women. That contradiction made me think about it quite a bit, and ultimately decided it wasn't a great opinion to have/was mostly just some lingering All Things Being Binary shit I still find myself unpacking.

I'm sure there's other thorny conversations that can be pruned for content, but I'm having trouble thinking of what it is beyond interpersonal clashes and, yeah. I've already seen the depths of missing context there.

There is no better example, in fact, than the comparison of shadowy werewolves with glowing eyes/teeth. It was taken from a concept that was tabled after approval was actively sought because there was a recognized stylistic overlap. Since 'shadow werewolf with glowing eyes/teeth' is a very common visual element in a lot of werewolf artwork, we also went on to discuss when those visual elements would best be avoided, and when they could be put to use.

This wasn't mentioned in the original comparison posts. Nor was it mentioned that it was never intended for public posting. It was a thumbnail idea for promotional material, drawn over a month ago - and nearly a full year after Lacey's skin tone changed - and it was quietly set aside in favor of other ideas.

Bottom line, I don't have any control over what she does with what she has. I don't have any control over what people think about it. But I do have control over what I do with me, and what I plan to do is stay off social media for the forseeable future, and keep working on the projects that matter to me, like I always have.

In the meantime, if you know me off social media:

I do not want to be contacted about any additional escalation

I do not need to know about any further instances of reposted chatlogs or artwork

It's kind of you to want to know my side of the story, but for my own reasons I'd rather not go into it beyond what I've already posted.

If we discussed commission work that you no longer want, please let me know ASAP so I can remove you from the list I have prepped for when I get back to taking those. Those of you who contacted me about it already have my email address.

All that being said, I understand if even with context, some comments lose people. I'm not gonna hold that against anyone. Where I'm at in my own development is probably not going to be enough for some, and that's fine. It doesn't have to be, and it won't stop me from continuing to try.

End of the day, keep in mind that this is still a personal altercation being made public, with everything that entails.

PS - If any other art is being posted: understand that it is being done without permission, after Ependa and I both actively tried to delete those pieces off the server, stated we'd done so intentionally, and then actively requested those files be deleted off the server/her machine when we were made aware of the fact that she was using third party plugins to retain access.

[haleigh-sloth]

Are you holding your thoughts back for now on this current chapter? I know I should wait until next week, but I still feel like this chapter feels very off and incomplete. Even for it to be AFO's send-off in the story, it still feels unsatisfying to me.

I really wonder if this is a fake-out, then how will Hori execute it because Eri's rewind theory is out of question since it's been used on Deku's arms.

Well, I've more or less been checked out from the manga for a while anyway. I don't have much thoughts in general these days because the pacing drives me nuts to an extent that it's not worth it to follow it closely for me at this time. I'd rather just binge it all at once. I do follow the leaks but I cannot say I have a 100% accurate understanding of all the minute details because it's been a hot minute since I read a full chapter.

For this though, I just don't know what to say. Is it possible he's genuinely dead? I mean yeah. It's always a possibility. But I can't say I'm convinced, just because Kurogiri's last words indicate that um...he needs to come back so he can have a reunion with his friends. And the thing is he never actually CAME BACK. Like not once since the war arc was he himself. So I cannot see how this can actually be his ending.

There is a break next week which is more telling to me than anything because Hori literally ALWAYS does shit like this, so another reason I'm just....eh...for now. Also, all of the LOV members have been untouched and left in states that hint at them being dead for multiple chapters now...so I mean. Tomura following suit doesn't surprise me. Then there was the info dump right at the end about his quirk, about the overhaul quirk and how his had the restorative piece left out of it. I mean, it does feel like that was mentioned intentionally. And almost everything in this manga that is mentioned comes back with a vengeance in some way.

There's also the lackluster incompleteness of his character with this chapter that doesn't feel like it can possibly be his ending. Him ending on a note of "tell my friend Tomura Shigaraki fought to destroy until the very end" just literally negates everything that happened prior. Like that's not the legacy or parting words his character was built up to having. His character is meant to evolve beyond the destructive mindset, not just be like "yeah well, I was committed to the bit til the very end!" Like no. Lol. I do think Hori is better than that. Especially for this character. Also him using "Tomura Shigaraki" feels intentional as well, seeing as how that's not his real name. And he literally just acknowledged that he really was a crying boy all this time. Which is Tenko.

Then....idk. Midoriya's biggest "save" ending up being dead? Just...yikes. The thing is, I don't have any doubt in my mind that Toga and Touya and Spinner are fine. For the main character to lose his biggest challenge while his friends successfully completed theirs is certainly an odd choice. So therefore I just am not convinced. For all the reasons.

Regarding AFO, until the Tomura stuff is resolved I can't spare a thought toward any other character right now. That is also one of the key points of the manga I've just been tapped out of by not reading full chapters. I can't give much serious commentary on AFO yet.

But yeah I mean I guess I am just holding back for the most part. I am kind of at a point where I feel like the only way I can genuinely feel joy from this manga again is to wait until it's completely finished and then read it all at once. Do I have that self-control? Not sure, I've been able to almost completely detach for almost a year at this point so I will probably lean hard into that and seriously remove myself from it until it's time to catch up. I love this story, I do trust the author and am putting faith in him even if right now that faith is wavering. I want to finish the story and like it for what it is. I do have my hopes and am not letting them go until I have no other choice.

#bnha asks #bnha spoilers #anonymous

[its-the-ratdawg]

(heads up: vent post ahead)

guys... tell me why my mom just went and found MY OLD WATTPAD ACCOUNT. just to comment under a vent post and call me a liar.

i moved out on my eighteenth birthday and she STILL is intentionally going into spaces she knows i don't want her to. she just cannot let go of control. she, for SOME reason i will NEVER understand, chose to go to my account today just to do this. FOR CONTEXT. I POST XXX RATED STEDDIE SMUT ON THIS ACCOUNT. BY THE WAY.

like, did you actively force me out of your home and tell me i was not allowed there? no. did you create an environment that was so incredibly hostile and emotionally damaging in the hopes of either beating me into submission or scaring me off? YES. well guess what? it worked. i'm gone. aren't you happy? CANT YOU LET ME BE NOW?????

could i THEORETICALLY still be freeloading off of you? letting you pay the bills and buy the groceries and all that? yeah!! of course i could!! I CHOSE NOT TO. OF COURSE YOU DIDNT KICK ME OUT. I WAS GONE THE SECOND IT WAS LEGAL. YOU DIDNT HAVE THE CHANCE TO.

do you REALLY want that information out there?? do you really want to ADVERTISE the fact that i'd rather work two or three or even four jobs at once and pay for everything myself and live on my own with no support, i'd rather put up with ALL THAT. than have to live with you for a DAY LONGER than i legally have to. do you really want everyone to know that????

again i'd just like to state that this is the account where i post explicit gay smut. and she went there just to.. to what? to ruin my day? to see if she can still scare me?

i AM scared. i'll probably have to delete that account so she doesn't DOX me. i just wish she'd leave me alone. that's all i want. its really not difficult. i don't ask anything of you. just please leave me alone.

#vent #jffjjfjdk

[were-candy-gutz]

I don't talk specifics of my wereness often but I'm feeling talkative so i suppose yeah, here's some random stuff about my lycanthropy!

I'm technically a cynanthrope since I'm a wolfdog but I'm mostly wolf so I usually just say lycanthrope. My physical appearance when shifted is almost wholly wolf

I don't know what caused it for me. A lot of folks I speak to think it's genetic for them but it genuinely seems like it came from nowhere to me, unless it's like a recessive trait or something. My family is ironically from the Romanian area as well, so I suppose it could be genetic but no one else shows signs so it might not be, especially considering I was experimented on as a kid (this is a traumatic thing to talk about and has a lot to do with RAMCOA so please don't ask!)

I crave protein constantly. And I'm diagnosed with a lot of random sensitivities to foods, which I correlate to my lycanthropy. Not sure they are related, but it makes sense in my mind that the reason I can't eat chocolate or tomatoes is that I'm a dog lmao. It's not just those two, though, and I can eat some things canines can't, so I'm not sure

My shifted form varies a lot. The most basic form is fully wolf, but I've shifted to a lot of stages in between, from just growing a bit of extra hair to being almost wolf but with human ish features. I'm not sure what causes the differences but I do think part of it is related to the moon cycle and my emotions

That being said, my emotions mess with my shifting a lot. It's more difficult to hold in shifts when I'm emotional, and I also experience shifts in emotionally charged settings, which can be an issue but hasn't caused me a problem yet

The moon cycle does effect my shifting. I shift on all full moons and they become harder to control the closer to a full moon it gets. Intentionally shifting also gets harder the closer to a new moon it gets.

Lastly, I am often aware it's a delusion. Not a lot of folks understand the concept of double bookkeeping, but like, I'm aware that my reality is real, I am a werewolf, but that to others, my reality is fake. I know it sounds weird but it's just how my head is I guess. When I'm deep in my delusion though, usually during depressive episodes, I struggle a lot to experience this. However, I try to hide my werewolf-ness when I'm in that state of mind because I'm worried about how folks will react, so I don't usually talk about it when I'm deep in it I suppose

Also a few notes! I call myself a Candydog and stuff but no, I am not actually made of candy or candygore. I just really really like candygore and identify with it on a non-physical level. I also sometimes say I am robotic. This is a delusion as well that comes and goes with my depressive episodes. I also sometimes mention being dead or call myself a corpse wolf. This is not delusion related, though at one point I believed it to be. This is rather related to my plurality and my trauma, but since I can recognize I'm not actually dead, I don't consider it a delusion anymore. So essentially, my identity is fluid and nuanced and strange because I am a creature, so I have a personality and lived experiences that influence my identity. That's all! Fuck off if you plan on talking shit on my post or if you plan on telling me I'm not a were creature! I know myself, sorry! You can talk to me or express confusion or ask questions IF YOU REMAIN RESPECTFUL but please don't be mean! It's easier to be nice or scroll on than it is to be an ass :3

#irl werewolf #lykos howls #yes im a werewolf #clinical zoanthropy #clinical lycanthropy #alterhuman #clinical cynanthrope #clinical lycanthrope #clinical cynanthropy #werewolf #physical nonhuman #non human #physically nonhuman #nonhumanity #nonhuman #idfk how to tag so have those i guess #mentions ramcoa #also feel free to ask me stuff if youre respectful!

[weebsinstash]

Same abo person here

Dude you didnt have to come at me like that with that Izuku shit. I've already been feeling more down bad for him than I ever have because I just finished season 6 and vigilante Izuku in the costume just hit me different.

Ok but like secretary or assistant Izuku who slips some shit in your coffee or beverage of choice, maybe even lunch while already having taken something himself. Planning it just so your both in a small space when it happens, my thought is if your big(in terms of a company role or whatever) enough maybe a limo or maybe he might be personally driving you somewhere for work. Just for it to kick in and well we dont want to risk crashing right? Then Izuku insists that when the other one of you starts to show signs they must've gotten triggered by the other.

And if the two of you somehow end up not fucking the next time he sees you at work he is apologizing profusely. Apologizing for not keeping track of his heats or your ruts, apologizing for his begging and pleading because it must've be so hard for you to hold back, and how 'unprofessional' it was that he acted that way with a co-worker let alone a superior.

Worst part is this just pushes him to want you more. Afterall, your such a kind and strong willed alpha to be able to keep yourself off him, not wanting to 'force' yourself on him. Not having listened to any begging because he 'wasn't in the right state of mind'.

Thing was, he absolutely was at least in the beginning. He basically immediately started begging, crying, and maybe even screaming as soon as he felt the mildest twinges of his heat. Not like you'd know though, with the way he was acting he sounded like he was dying.

Bruh deadass I have absolutely awful at keeping with anime, I think a big factor is that my laptop I bought several years ago has severely degraded in performance quality so like I basically watch anime anymore unless it's on YouTube or like I can see if my TV streaming whatever has anime on it but. My dudes I've literally been meaning to catch up with MHA since season 4 which is funny bc I still have a draft w him I wanna finish. I've mentioned it before but, it's a quirkless AU where he's your wealthy renowned psychiatrist while you're involuntarily admitted into a hospital and it devolves into him extending your stay there on purpose just so he can spend time with you and eventually when he finds out another doctor discharged you while he was away for a conference he just decides to straight up kidnap you for further "therapy" that eventually further devolves into "I see you have problems being comfortable with men therefore I'm gonna fuck you as exposure therapy :) I am Totally Not An Obsessed Creep"

Izuku really is one of those yandere that, whether consciously/intentionally or not, fully takes advantage of the fact you think he's so sweet and unassuming. If he does something that wrongs you or upsets he comes back and apologizes so sweetly and tries to make it up to you and like, it IS genuine but he is also just wanting you to be completely on his side so, he be doing a little bit of lying sometimes

Izuku: oh my goodness I am so sorry about us "somehow" getting locked in that room I had a key for (I totally didn't sabotage the key so it would break and we would be locked in). I just couldn't control myself, I barely even remember what happened, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable, please don't hate me 🥺

Izuku when you two were trapped in a car or elevator or broom closet or some shit just the day before, in heat but also lucid enough to know exactly what he's doing: *sits DIRECTLY in your lap so his scent floods your noses* oh my gosh I just think you would look so beautiful with a little baby belly 🥺🥺🥺 PLEASE let me see you with my baby *keeps wiggling his hips on purpose to try and stimulate you, keeps touching you with his hands trying to peel your clothes off* I promise I'll take care of all of you, PLEASE have my pups, I am IN PAIN right now 😩😩😩 *continues to whimper and whine and shit trying to make you pity him because he knows you have a good heart*

Just full on drugs you so you go into a rut, and then if you ever "slip up" and fuck him, well, he isn't going to let you GET RID OF any potential pups that might come out of it. NOW the tactic is to emotionally manipulate you "oh no, our pups are innocent, PLEASE don't KILL THEM, it ISNT RIGHT, they DESERVE TO LIVE, I WANT MY BABIES, I already TOLD MY MOM SHE HAS GRANDCHILDREN"

Izuku is one of those "and then when she gets pregnant we can move into a nice big house and it might be a little rocky at first but she'll definitely love me if I keep trying and show her my heart" kind of yandere but like, he definitely has the capacity to snap from stress. You're working in an office with him or wherever and for some reason a lot of your male and or Alpha coworkers keep getting mysteriously injured? Did you hear how Shouto somehow slipped down the stairs and broke his leg from a mysterious grease spot right by the stairs? Or how Bakugou got horrrriiible food poisoning after that cookout event held last week that Izuku DEFINITELY didn't bring poison to? God, did you hear about Yoarashi? His brakes failed and he RAN HIS CAR OFF A BRIDGE AND ALMOST DIED

And here's Izuku "oh gosh, there's been so much bad news around the workplace recently, so I brought you this little treat to help ease the stress ^^" and there's 'definitely' not any drugs in it cause he finally bought his dream home to steal you away to, 'promise'

#yandere stuff #sinprompts

[titanicfreija]

I'm being lame and shameless, don't mind me

"Your friend is a Ghost?"

Zavala handed Empress Caiatl the cup of tea, one made to suit her size, and he sat at the small round table on the courtyard balcony. The space offered a good view and some privacy, allowing for the casual meeting and a big enough chair for the Empress.

"Is there a problem?" Caiatl gave the commander a sidelong look as she sipped her drink.

Zavala shook his head, brows lifted thoughtfully. "I didn't expect it. Especially that one."

"You do not like Sunny?" asked Caiatl, unable to hide the surprised tone.

Zavala chuckled. "Just an odd pairing. Of the many Ghosts and Guardians I've encountered, I rarely meet ones I dislike. I am not as familiar with that one as I should be, as it seems her Guardian has been quite involved in the saving of the solar system lately, but I understand they have only been involved directly with Vanguard operations for a short time."

"Indeed," huffed Caiatl with a jovial note. "I have only sympathies for you, in the face of your challenges directing these children."

"But the Ghost?" Zavala asked, hoping to move on. He still didn't like admitting how little control (or even influence) he had over the least experienced of his troops.

Caiatl's wry sidelong glance didn't go unnoticed. "Ghost Sunny approached me after the events on Neomuna to find out what happened. She did not remember my command, nor her Guardian's efforts to follow it. As her Guardian had been unable to make the story clear, Sunny instead approached myself and the Cloudstrider Nimbus to find answers."

Zavala nodded and sipped his drink, and kept his remark to a quiet, "I see."

Caiatl's face fell, and she turned her eyes to the sky fleetingly. "I had never seen a Ghost move that independently. Many times, the Ghosts are hiding, or are simply hovering around their Guardian. As such, I had never considered them as individuals, and instead mistook them for vessels of the Light and little else."

Zavala blinked at her, mouth dropping slightly, but recomposed himself quickly with a short nod. "That certainly explains a lot," he stated. "Do please continue."

Caiatl breathed through the embarrassment. She didn't know how offensive the mistake alone had been. "In her approach, the Ghost showed curiosity and pain, two things I did not know them to be capable of. At the time, I thought only a little of the meeting-- I did learn that the Guardian struggled to sacrifice a friend, and not simply her Light, which I had previously believed to be the case, and that the Ghosts were... people."

Zavala nodded once more and lifted the small plate of refreshments to eat.

Caiatl took her own moment to eat and drink before she sat back and folded her hands over her belly. "During our discussion, Sunny recognized my misunderstanding. Shortly afterwards, she approached again to offer an interview of sorts. She invited me to ask questions regarding Ghosts, and promised to answer as completely as she could. Encountering one another in the Hall of Heroes would give us opportunities to exchange one or two at a time between war efforts and meditation."

Zavala smiled and looked over the courtyard to watch the milling citizens and Guardians. "I see."

"I have grown to like Sunny," she admitted, smiling in her way. "Her frankness is appreciated. She frequently forgets my status. I also enjoy her... Less admirable qualities. A dark sense of humor. Petty vengeance. The offer for an interview included a remark about causing her Guardian discomfort intentionally, for instance."

Zavala snorted a soft laugh. "Do you remember what it was?"

"I remember the offense of her Guardian being small, as was her revenge." She paused to sip her drink. "I appreciated the hidden depths. I don't know that I would have accepted her offer, otherwise." Caiatl helped herself to the snacks as she reflected further. "I did not expect the degree of personhood and independence. Nor dependence of the Guardians on the Ghosts. I assumed the dependence was on the Guardian aside from the resurrection. Sunny has taught me much. Her Guardian Freija, too, has taught me many things that Sunny could not make clear."

Zavala lifted his brow at her in question.

"The Guardian was not afraid to tell me the degree of my mistake, intentionally or not."

Zavala frowned and glanced away. "Did she offend?"

Caiatl shifted her weight and grunted dismissively. "Yes. I would demand an apology if I thought she knew what to apologize for. I am sure that upon seeing the offense, she would apologize unprompted." Despite the ease in her words, Caiatl shifted again, practically squirming. "Given what her actions reportedly did to her psyche, I came to the conclusion that she was correct, in any case, and I do not demand apologies for telling the truth, however offensively."

Zavala didn't respond, politely sipping his drink and looking over the courtyard. The question waited between them as the silence continued. Caiatl slowly settled in her seat and looked away to mask the embarrassment. "The Guardian, during an interview, became quite passionate about the ties between a Guardian and their Ghost, and described the act of killing one without killing the other as 'sadistic', said that killing Sunny would drive her deliriously mad. That I had been the one to command exactly that seemed to slip her mind. Why did the matter only come to me months later? You contacted me because of Sunny, I presume."

Zavala found a reflection in his tea particularly interesting for several moments before he could answer. "I contacted you and sought your apology on her behalf, yes, because of Sunny." He swallowed uncomfortably and looked over the courtyard, sparing Caiatl the examination. "She asked me for a more thorough debriefing to relieve the sense of failure and shame, both of which could be expected from that situation."

"You did not correct my mistake," Caiatl iterated.

Zavala sighed. "I did not know how. Your command did not intentionally harm the Guardian, and you would not be likely to be repeat it. You saw the end of the world looming-- it made sense that you would order the only action you saw that could help."

"In addition to these painful truths, the prospect of meeting a person who killed their own Ghost baffled her completely. She simply could not imagine what such a person could be like."

Zavala rocked to see her expression, unable to read the deliberately flat tone, but her embarrassment glared in her posture. She glanced at him twice. "Did you notice your own flinch, Commander?" she asked.

He didn't. "What flinch?"

Caiatl barked a short laugh. "The mere idea causes tension in your throat and chest. It would not surprise me to hear one of you gasp aloud."

Zavala stirred his tea uncomfortably. "I did not consider before how little you would know. Guardians often take them for granted, but our Ghosts are quite... special to us."

Caiatl relaxed in her seat with another deep breath. "Yes. I have been grateful to Sunny for providing me this information, and for befriending me. She manipulated the circumstances well, in presenting the offer alone and informally."

Zavala cleared his throat and continued stirring his tea awkwardly. "Aside from questions concerning killing Ghosts, what have you asked? I take it there are others you aren't comfortable asking me?"

Caiatl first turned a lip up and gave him a sardonic sidelong glance. "A few. Most are small curiosities. Some, I have asked you. I enjoy finding differences in opinion or information, especially when the truth is unclear."

Zavala quirked his brow at her with a careful smile. "You asked Sunny about the dancing?"

"Yes. She answered the same way you did."

Zavala snorted a laugh and smiled wider at the Empress. "It is a social activity."

"Hmph." She returned the light expression, face broadening and brow softening. "I have asked about small things, such as fireteam composition and personal roles in them; and large ones such as her opinion on the Lucent Hive. Others as they occur to me. Names. Your... Classes. Observations of the solar system-- she has seen much of it. I enjoy the Ghost "body language", and she is quite animated. The Guardian has recently been the interviewed, as I am not fostering a friendship with that one, but rather taking advantage of the helpful nature, and of her weak sense of propriety." Zavala interrupted with a short laugh. "Regardless of disrespect, both Guardian and Ghost are forthcoming and honest in their answers. Sunny also has a good sense of humor, and the Guardian a flowery, metaphor-laden mode of speech that makes certain answers interesting. I doubt you could offer me nearly the colorful description of using your Light." Caiatl squinted teasingly and picked her tusks up, before she stopped to eat and looked over the courtyard. "I have come to respect Ghosts' roles as warriors, as well."

Zavala blinked at his tea. "I suppose I did not consider them in that way," he admitted. "Teachers, all, and I suppose primarily in the ways of war..." He turned his attention back to his empty cup. "I am pleased to hear you made a friend unrelated to duty, and to hear that the friendship bloomed naturally."

"Hmph! I reflect on the irony often; I met her because I sentenced her to death."

Zavala frowned thoughtfully. "Indeed."

"Yes." Caiatl smiled at her tea and finished it. "Which reminds me-- I was inspired to ask you, what does it mean to you to be a Titan?"

#destiny 2 #d2 #ocs #writing #freija #scribble #caiatl #zavala

[eth3real-ess3nce]

Manifestation tips?

Honestly it's time to talk about this 😅 I want to share some of the experiences I've had.

What I have learned about manifesting, is that it always comes with a price. This is mostly true in cases where you're NOT ready for the things you're requesting for.

I know this might sound awful to some, but trust me when I say this. However, keep reading if you will, so I can better explain myself ❤️

One or two years ago, I was a lonely girl. I wanted to manifest a relationship. Also I want to mention here that I did that with my best friend. We were very specific with our desires, even. We'd say "oh, I want him to have this and that". I don't intend to write here these two qualities because they're a bit embarrassing 🤣

Next thing I know, I find myself downloading Tinder. Amongst the unbearable process of finding a good match (😂) I found him. Shortly after exchanging social media accounts, we both deleted the Tinder app. Chemistry was crazy. I was feeling in love. He had stated that he wanted to keep it going with me because he saw a future. We'd plan on vacations, dates, etc. I was on cloud 9 for weeks. He even seemed to correspond to my emotional needs and that I could trust him wholeheartedly.

We only went on one date. It was dreamy, but the situation started going downhill. A few days later, I started becoming a bit paranoid and afraid that he wouldn't act right with me. I'm not this person now, but when I was, I wanted to have full control of how a situationship would go. I'd only be pleased when I knew that the other person needed me more than I needed him , that I was 100% certain about his intentions towards me. This is when my manifestation only started to backfire.

Can you guess what happened, eventually?

He ghosted me. Out of nowhere. Confirming my biggest fears AND my biggest disgust; cowardice. (Note that I never ever acted crazy or controlling towards him, so in fact I didn't intentionally "push" him away.)

I was left heartbroken. For days, I'd be depressed and angry. Needless to say my best friend's relationship failed as well.

Wanna know why that occured?

I attempted to manifest something I energetically wasn't aligned with. If your heart carries unresolved pain and resentment, if your self-esteem is not high enough, if you are trying to reach for something out of desperation to fulfill your unmet emotional needs, it will backfire. And it will give you exactly the energy you're subconsciously putting out there.

So, it doesn't matter what manifestation methods you are using or how hard you try to stay positive and believe in it. Your first and foremost task is to dive deep. Take a look at your core beliefs.

What are core beliefs, and why do they matter?

Core beliefs are our most deeply held assumptions about ourselves, the world, and others. They are firmly embedded in our thinking and significantly shape our reality and behaviors. In fact, nothing matters more than our core beliefs.

Let's do it with examples.

You want to manifest money. What was your main belief about money while growing up? How would your parents handle it? Did they make you feel guilty and that they must work their asses off in order to get what you wanted? Did they state that money is root of all evil? Were you brought up in poverty? The collective poverty issue is that money is linked with survival. If you view money as your only method to survive, you instantly vibrate in a low," desperate " energy, therefore no results. I am not saying this in a judgemental way I am just explaining how it universally works. I grew up in a poor household and my parents would guilt trip me all the time about money, so for all my years of living, I was never in a receptive state. As an adult I'd work my ass off 12 hour shifts for a shitty paycheck because subconsciously I thought I had to suffer in order to receive money, just like my parents did. I would reject offerings, or believe that I wasn't worthy of them. Key-word worthy. I'm telling you, the moment you start viewing money as a TOOL to do things instead of a way of surviving, your life will become much more convenient financially. I promise you because I've been practicing it. And guess what? I don't have to listen to subliminals all night and do spell work anymore. I am just in a state where I am able to receive. It is not an easy process, but it is the most effective and promising. The moment your perspective on money changes, you will naturally start to train yourself to get it.

You want to manifest a loving relationship. Again, let's take a look at your core beliefs. Think role models. How was the relationship between your parents growing up? Did you have an absent opposite-sex parent? What does love mean for you? Did you know that 9/10 times we attract our opposite sex parents in our relationships, if we haven't healed? Psychology talks about this a lot. If for example, as a woman, your father was non-committal and addicted to substances, it's very likely that you will attract partners that function in the same way. Basically you are seeking the emotional validation your parent didn't give you, through your romantic relationships. Another group of people have 0 experience in love and have this burning desire to get to know how it feels like. But the trap here is that they feel behind in life therefore they act out of 'desperation'. No such thing as 'behind in life', buddies! This is just society's fictional deadlines and expectations, which have also shaped your core beliefs. Another common core belief could be "oh I have to be handsome and attractive and really smart in order to be loved by someone". This by no means serves you, because you let superficial things define your WORTH as a human being. Let me make this one thing clear, your worth must not be defined by your physical appearance, achievements, intelligence, skills. This is one of the main reasons the collective is suffering so much. We tend to believe that a romantic relationship will free us from all our pain, unfulfilled emotional needs and satisfy our thirst for affection. This is a destructive mindset that only serves repeating toxic patterns leaving you hurt in the end. Therapy could help you simplify these things in your mind (because each case is different) and therefore make it easier for you to be receptive towards love. Accepting love not out of desperation, but because you're simply worthy of it and worthy of experiencing its full, purest form. To love means to expand, to learn, everything good. Why repel it by chasing it ? Again, this is a very serious and complicated matter so it would be beneficial for you to do shadow work / start therapy or I suggest starting with watching well-informing videos like this and this

Now you might wonder: what about manifesting simple things like objects or something that would casually be convenient in my everyday life? I'd say go for it. But the tip for effectiveness is this ; re-shaping your core beliefs into being receptive. If you acknowledge that you are powerful enough to change what you don't like about yourself and your reality, you will eventually have it.

Only using manifestation methods without doing the inner work is ineffective, because a negative self belief is clashing with a positive thing you're trying to bring into reality.

As you expand and radiate love and calmness instead of desperation and fear, your desires will come naturally to you. And manifesting will become an effortless thing for you.

I truly hope I helped. ❤️😊

#manifestation tips #anon #manifesting

[ray-talks]

2/7/24

as you can see, i did not post yesterday.

i straight-up binged yesterday. not even that i ate more than i would have liked, i ate until my stomach hurt, and i became nauseous. halting my progress with weight loss is one thing -- and, yes, it is terrible and i am horrified. but what truly irks me, and legitimately unsettles me, is the betrayal of my own principles. am i seriously all talk? am i hypocrite through and through? am i lying to myself? i worry that i am not who i think i am -- or maybe i do know who i am deep down, but don't want to meet eyes with it. what conclusion i draw is that i am a weak-minded person, i do not have actual convictions, and i do whatever is easiest for me. i cannot commit to anything -- life or death, happiness or suffering, so i just meander between the two. i made a goal with intentions to suffer and create meaning from it, so i can die peacefully. if i am not following this, then what the fuck am i doing?

yesterday was so upsetting to me, that it kept playing in my head throughout today, unable to let it go and making me feel sick. it made me more suicidal than i already am. i have been intentionally refraining from these lines of thought, so it does not hinder my goals, and i try not consider it until it is the right time. but i couldn't stop from having these thoughts today. if i were to pursue these, it would have to give great certainty, because i am not failing again, and ending up hospitalized. i'd have to try a more directly fatal method then past attempts; this however, is hard, because i have to have a greater gall to do it. it's a lot easier to coax yourself into taking a bottle of pills, then the alternative method i am considering. i wonder if i even have the strength to do it, or if i am too much of a fucking coward? so pathetic.

even so, this isn't relevant yet, because i refuse to act on these impulses for the time being. i cannot let this intercede my plans. i've stated this before, but caving in leads to mistakes -- errors that i cannot afford. the possibility of failure is not something i want to risk happening. i'd also be throwing all my efforts, my goal, to the wind. i am not willing to give that up yet. it will defeat the entire purpose of my wish. i'll die accomplishing nothing, really being the useless person i have always believed myself to be, and the weak-minded individual i characterized above. at least if i push myself to the limit, it says something about me -- that i can be passionate and purposeful, instead of a body that simply is alive, but ultimately, devoid of any soul.

again, i am so perturbed by all this is because i am ruining my goal, i am going against what i claim to care about. maybe i hate being human, that full-control will forever be beyond my grasp. a part of me always has and will long for perfection. regardless, i need to remember that mistakes are inevitable, and will be inevitable for me, and to not let my emotions best me. if i stumble on my path, i have to regain balance, brush myself off, and continue forward. i have no other choice. i am such a jumble of contradictions, it's so hard to decipher for me what i even believe. when i'm lying, when i'm telling the truth. my problem is that i think too hard about it; i question every little action i take, and waste time trying to consider what it means and why. it doesn't actually matter. all that matters is getting my shit together long enough to win. falling into pieces can wait. i desperately need to focus.

another piece of information to mention is that i attended a consultation for interventional psychiatry. essentially, the psychiatrist recommended me to do either esketamine or tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). this is problematic to me. based on how they described it, it sounded too effective, stating around 70% of patients reduce their depression symptoms by 50% -- either that, or the psychiatrist was trying to market it in the most flattering light. obviously, i do not want to be altered by this procedure. i have no desire to "improve" my mental health -- it would be counterproductive to my goal. i need to be in a depressed enough mindset to accomplish what i set out to do. and, on top of that, securing stability in happiness is no longer a priority to me. i am not interested in it.

the reason why i can't just refuse to do this, is because i am being forced to by my parents. even though, i am a legal adult now and can't be technically forced to do anything, i have to maintain a good relationship with them. i need the appearance of stability to protect myself, and more specifically and above all else, my eating disorder. i am financially dependent upon them, and i do care about them and i have a motivation to shield them from the reality of my situation (whether this is out of selflessness or selfishness is debatable). the reason i attend therapy and take my medications is to satisfy them. but i am also aware, the medication and therapy do not change me in ways i dislike. i have no idea what these procedures would do to me. i want to confidently say it'll make no difference, but i have gotten warier. i do not believe manipulating them into thinking that i am better and do not need these procedures would work. so, it would seem my hands are tied. i'll continue to update about this as it either comes to fruition or the aftermath of it.

on today's restriction, it could have been better, which is also irritating, considering the fiasco over yesterday. i have still yet to attempt purging again to see if it is working again. i was originally going to try again after wednesday, but i think that i might see my friend tomorrow instead of friday, and i'll be unable to. i'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing, because perhaps waiting longer may hopefully convince my body to work properly. i will admit, though, that i am hesitating because i am afraid of discovering that my break did nothing. then again, i suppose nothing can be done, and i would have to rely purely on restriction. this would definitely be a significant blow to me nevertheless, morale-wise and goal-wise. since i am unable to fast for days and have to restrict my intake instead, no longer having purging as an option, would be a hindrance. i really don't want to have to think about this.

goodness, this might be the longest entry i have ever made. i have a feeling no one will read this one (lol). even so, if you managed to read all this, despite my incessant complaining and unsavory pity-party throwing, then i congratulate you. i hope you have a better day than mine.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary #tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran

[revelautions]

It's been a long time since I've been on Tumblr. I made a new one bc I'm terrified of my ex finding anything I say. Not because I think they would physically hurt me in response, I don't, but bc I can't bring myself to hurt them in any way.

And honestly, that's kind of always been my biggest problem.

They didn't feel the same way. They would provoke emotional responses from me intentionally.

They would also insist that they had a right to try to pressure me into sex, bc they had a higher sex drive, didn't believe I was attracted to them, didn't believe I would stay with them, didn't feel like I was taking their needs into consideration.

And there was nothing I could do to convince them that they were wrong.

They could and would state that they understood that nothing excuses pressuring a partner about sex in the context of literally anyone else.

But nothing could convince them that they weren't an exception.

Despite their claims, there is NO disability that gives anyone the right to pressure a partner about sex.

And that was just one of the things that had been consistent since the beginning.

And I cannot tell our friends about that. I cannot say to them, who only became friends with me because of my ex, that my ex spent a decade emotionally manipulating me constantly, and not just about sex.

I can't tell them that I don't have other friends because every friend who tried to keep in touch with me at all was Not Good Enough for my ex, and therefore I was basically harassed into not engaging with them.

I can't tell them that our relationship really started to fall apart when I became too sick not to stand up for myself anymore.

I can't tell them that my ex basically broke up with me because they couldn't get away with emotionally abusing me anymore in the name of their own trauma and disabilities.

I can't tell them that the same day my ex threw something at me, they accused me of emotional manipulation when I cried and admitted that I was scared.

I can't tell them that my ex admits to most of their past behavior, but that they refuse to acknowledge it for what it actually is.

I can't tell them that the reason they rarely heard me speak is because my ex was constantly speaking over me.

I can't tell them that I had pointed it out and asked multiple times for my ex to stop.

I can't tell them that I also have all the disabilities my ex claims gave them the right to behave this way. And my ex knows good and damn well that it wouldn't have been okay for me to act like that.

I can't tell them that I spent a decade being told that my emotions were a problem and my ex's were beyond their control.

I can't tell them that my ex spent a decade talking about how terrified they were of ending up in a relationship like their parents', only to behave exactly like the relationship they were desperately trying to avoid.

I can't tell them that I couldn't leave, because I couldn't hurt my ex, because they had stated that they would "go crazy" or d*e without me.

I can't tell them that I am so deeply traumatized that I am the closest I have ever been to legitimately su***dal. (I won't. I can't hurt them like that. Even now.)

I can't tell them that I have been made to feel so deeply like a burden that I don't know how to even try to recover.

I can't tell them that my ex made a selfish decision that put me into a position that I had just expressed to them was impossible for me.

I can't tell them that I have lost absolutely everything.

I can't tell them that it's entirely possible that everything my ex has ever said about me privately may have been intended to paint me as a Problem.

I can't know how much of any of it my ex really believes.

I can't know how much of any of it my ex lies about even to themself.

I can't bring myself to try to address it directly, even now. Because it would hurt them. And I can't hurt them.

I really really wish that they felt that way about me. I really really wish that anyone did.

Because even though all of this is true, I do love them. And I wasn't going to leave them. And I wanted to be good enough for them.

But, just like always, I'm not.

[purpleturtle9000]

I meant to write things and then I spent two hours creating a playlist for reality check, as one does. Song explanations below the cut!

This is straight up just a song about being broken by the loss of somebody, cause that's what characterises little Leo. I regret nothing. (It also technically goes both ways!) But you went away. How dare you? I'll miss you. They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to ever get over you.

The first lines of this talking about a better time, and having to try to manage on his own while not wanting to talk about what happened to him - really this song has no right to match Pilot Hamato as well as it does. Also he does not know how to be alone, especially with all that's on his mind.

I went looking for a lullaby-sounding kind of song for Baby Blue, cause he's, y'know, baby. Not to mention that Blue's canonical emotional shutdown is referenced in the very first verse! When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember you said don't leave me here alone.

This was entirely chosen for the verse, 'cause it's perfect for them. Sunflower gets better at healthy displays of emotion, but when they're first found, their emotional state is very much what's described in the song - I might cry, but I don't ever show it, can't let you down, can't let you down.

We all know that Alpha has issues, right? A song about being willing to kill for people but wanting to know if it's possible to be rescued, is quite perfect for our traumatised teen. Not to mention the canon self-sacrificing attitude in If I gotta be sacrificed for the greater good, then that's what it gotta be.

Unicorn was completely unwilling to accept that her idyllic life was shattered by the death of her family. Her song is about upheaval in change - How wild it was to find it, finally feel the climate, instead of only staying dry and warm - and honesty and acceptance bringing tears but also salvation.

Vanilla's loss of his entire family is a nightmare, but unfortunately he can't wake up. Thinking of himself as a leader first and a person second, well, it led to some identity issues. But now he's got the help he needs to start healing, even if he's standoffish - an atittude referenced in my heart is gold and my hands are cold.

Cobalt was the sole non-alien in the world, as far as he knew, for two very long years. It wasn't a very good life, but he made it through - and even among the others, he stands out as a survivor. We lost the control and we're on our own, at least for now. Just surviving, and nothing else.

The first verse references that Spruce is used to a louder world, and has nightmares. Not to mention the feeling of being lost, ready to be blown away, after xyr entire family died in a day. Xe doesn't know if xe's worthy of another family - of love - after not being able to save xyr first one.

You are broken, crushed to the very bone, cut wide open. An angsty opening for a song, and also a reference to Pep's leg being injured (and later gone). Despite the trauma involved in that, and the unsteady healing process, he's one of the most optimistic of the blueberries, which is referenced in the chorus.

Echo's song is directly related to the year he spent in the prison dimension. He fought to get back to his brothers, but eventually began to wonder if they left him intentionally - hence the lines If you get to me too late, just know that I tried and Just let me know I'm not forgotten out here alone.

Lee was also in the prison dimension! But not for nearly as long, so they came out of it more optimistic than Echo did. Their song is also about being 'furthest from myself' and 'invaded by the dark', but has a more hopeful bent - So pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave, 'cause I still feel alive.

River is a cheerful kid, all things considered, so I wanted an upbeat song. This one is about her relationship with Leonardo. He tries to help her adjust by bonding with her and acting like her dad did, and filling Splinter's role is referenced by the line, The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.

Heiwa has been through a lot of bullshit, tbh, and now that they're out of their world, they're looking for some peace. Somewhere that feels safe, where they don't have to be afraid or hurt any more. Or, to quote their song: Home, a place where I can go to take this off my shoulders, someone take me home.

And now the fic's theme song. There's a lot of lines that exemplify Leonardo's protective, loving nature toward his carton of little blueberries. The ones I like the best are, It will be all right, you'll see, trust me. I'll be there watching over you. Just take a look through my eyes, there's a better place somewhere out there.

+ bonus song for first blueberry's Don! I don't think I have to explain the lyrics in this one.

#fic: reality check #series: when i found you i found me #wify meta

[jojo0039]

*Pogue for Life* The Bells Part 2

Rafe is pacing the room in worry when the door opens and Jo and Kie get shoved back inside.

Jo looks upset and about to cry.

Rafe quickly rushes over to her.

He grabs her face in his hands.

"What happened? Did he hurt you?" he asks frantically.

Jo shakes her head.

"Okay, one of you has to talk to me." he demands.

"Do I have to remind you of everything you've done? You killed Peterkin. Do you even remember that? Not to mention everything you've put Sarah through, Jo through!" Kie sneers at him.

Rafe clenches his jaw and steps away from Jo to tower over Kie.

"What happened with Peterkin, I was protecting my father. I did what I had to, so don't." He spits sounding upset.

Kie looks at him with disgust.

He fidgets and Jo knows that he's in his head again.

Jo steps closer to him and reaches out to him.

"Rafe."

She tries to get his attention.

He sits down on the window seat and stares at Kie.

"I'm as much a victim as she is." Kie glares at him.

"No? Think about it. Okay? What did I get out of shooting Peterkin, huh? Nothing. I had nothing against her. I mean II liked her."

Jo has tears in her eyes listening to him sound so broken.

"You think I wanted to make that choice, huh? Now I have to live with this guilt in my head for the rest of my life. I am never gonna be the same person that I once was. But what I did was supposed to be a gift to my father, and I got screwed because of it, okay? So don't get that look when I say I'm a victim, alright? I am!"

Rafe gets loud making Kie jump.

"I can't stomach that look to be on your face Joanna. It kills me." he tells her softly.

"Rafe please." Jo tries again.

"I will admit though, what I did to Sarah, what I tried to do. I'll admit that was wrong. So you don't have to remind me because it's something else that I have to live with every day."

He starts breathing heavy and pacing the floor.

Jo lifts her hands and grabs him.

"Hey, hey. Calm down you're alright." Jo whispers to him.

Kie watches how Jo handles Rafe with a mix of disgust and awe.

Rafe pushes away from her anyway.

"She was family. I never should have touched her, you know. I just lose control in moments like that, and I don't know what happens."

Kie softens her glare slightly.

"I'm trying, okay? I'm trying to be better. Because Jo deserves it."

He turns to face Jo and grabs her hands.

"Because I know what I did was wrong. I know bringing you with me without your permission was wrong and I shouldn't have done it." he pauses.

"But I don't care that I did, because we love each other. And I'm a selfish person who wants to keep you to myself. I knew you wouldn't chose me. I dont blame you. But I'm selfish and I took you anyway."

Jo's eyes widen as he stares in her eyes.

"I took you because I couldn't stand the thought of you not picking me first. And I knew you wouldn't without a little push." he tells her.

A tear falls down her face.

He pulls away from her and faces Kie again.

"But none of that matters, all I'm saying is that I'm not entirely the bad guy you think I am Kiara. But even if I was, even if I was just like, bad Rafe Cameron or something, you got no choice. You may not want to trust me, but Jo does. And trust that I would never intentionally put her in harm's way, okay? I'm the best shot you got right now." Rafe tells her.

Jo hears truck doors.

She goes to the window.

"Oh no." she gasps.

"What's going on?" Rafe asks going over to the window.

"They're going after John B and your sister." Kie informs him.

"That sucks for them. But that's good for us." Rafe states.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jo asks.

"We are all gonna have to work together so we can get out of here and get back to the boat." he tells her.

Jo and Kie share a glance with each other.

                                                 **********************************

Jo throws a glass vase at the door.

"Don't touch her Rafe!" Jo shouts.

"I'm tired of your shit, Kie!" Rafe yells.

Jo throws another vase.

"Stop, Rafe! You're killing her! Help!" Jo continues to shout.

She quickly rushes to hide in the bathroom on the other side of Rafe.

He nods his head at her.

She quickly shakes her head back.

Kie is sitting in the bathtub with her foot sticking out.

They hear the man slowly walk into the room.

Jo hears him step closer to the bathroom.

When she sees his shadow, she swings her arm out and elbows the guard harshly in the face.

Rafe comes out from behind the door and slams the gun out of his hands.

Rafe punches the man knocking him back.

Jo grabs the lamp and slams it over his back, knocking him to the ground.

"Stay down." Rafe growls.

Jo grabs the wires from the lamp.

"Big mistake." The guard threatens.

Jo holds the man down as Rafe ties his arms behind his back.

Kie grabs the gun and points it at him.

Rafe smiles at Jo.

"Good job, baby. Just like I taught you." he speaks in awe.

"That was totally badass and sexy." he flirts.

"Now is not the time, we gotta go." Kie lectures.

"Come on."

Rafe opens the door and looks out.

When he doesn't see anybody, he grabs Jo's hand and pulls her down the hallway towards the steps.

Kie follows behind them.

They run down the steps and stop at the doorway of the foyer.

"Rafe, Rafe, Rafe." Kie whispers to get his attention.

"What?" he hisses out.

"Let me get the phone." Kie says.

"Fine. Give me the gun."

They quickly exchange.

"Alright, you guys ready?" he asks.

He peeks out the door, and sees guards standing outside.

"Shit! Okay, we gotta find another way out. This way."

Rafe sneaks past towards another door.

Jo watches as Kie takes a picture of the El Dorado painting with the phone.

"Nice thinking." Jo whispers to her.

"Come on, I found another way out." Rafe whispers to them.

He leads them to a side door.

He opens the door and grabs Jo's hand.

"Come on."

He looks out and avoids the guards.

They look over the railing.

"Okay, what now?" Kie asks.

Jo sees the hay truck.

"I have an idea. We need to get on that truck." Jo tells them.

They watch as it starts up.

They take off running through the yard to get on that truck.

Kie manages to jump up first.

Rafe grabs on and reaches for Jo's hand.

They notice a man sitting in the back.

He stands up to attack.

Rafe lunges for the man.

"Rafe-"

Jo holds the man down as Rafe punches him.

The man kicks Jo away from him.

Rafe then kicks him in the face.

"No! Don't!"

Rafe throws the man over the side and he falls over the side of the road.

Kie looks at him with fear.

Rafe is out of breath as he drops down to check on Jo.

"Are you okay?" he asks her checking her over.

"I'm fine." she assures him.

"We gotta hide under this tarp." Kie says.

They get under the tarp.

Jo lays her head on Rafe's chest as she holds onto Kie's hand.

They listen as the truck stops at the check point.

They hear men walk around the truck.

Jo pushes herself further into Rafe's chest and tenses up.

His grip tightens around her body.

The truck finally start moving and they finally lift the tarp off of them and sit up.

"Whoo! I can't believe we actually made it." Rafe laughs.

"We'll ride on here til we get to town and get to the boat."

Rafe tells them as he notices that Kie and Jo haven't let go of each other.

                                          ***********************************

Once they make it to town, Rafe leads them toward where the boat is docked.

They run down the ramp to get to the boat.

Kie jumps on.

Jo stop when she realizes that Rafe isn't following them.

She turns around to see what the holdup is.

"What are you doing? We have to go." Jo pulls on his hand.

"I'm not coming with you." he tells her softly.

She gives him a dumbfounded look.

"What do you mean? Of course you're coming."

She tries to pull him, but he doesn't budge.

She finally stares and she sees tears in his eyes.

"I love you Joanna. You have always been the one person that I can turn to for anything. You have always been there for me when I needed you." he says to her.

"What? What are you saying? We have to go!"

He gives her a sad smile.

"But I'm not that person for you."

She finally stops moving and just stands there.

"I know that I made a selfish decision to take you from your home. And for that I'm sorry. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want it to start with regret and resentment." he tells her in a broken voice.

"I don't have any resentment towards you Rafe." she says to him.

"Maybe not now, but there was. You need to go to your friends. You'll always hate yourself if you don't go. And I love you too much to see that happen." he sadly says to her.

"Go with Kiara and save your friends." he says.

"What about you?" she asks him.

"I'll just take another boat back to Guadeloupe." he tells her.

She lets out a breath and wraps her arms around him.

"Thank you." she whispers in his ear.

She pulls away slightly and connects their lips in a short and sweet kiss.

"This is the Rafe Cameron that I fell in love with all those years ago."

They stare in each other's eyes briefly.

"Come on! We gotta go!" Kie shouts from the helm.

"Go before I change my mind and keep you." he jokes.

"I don't know what to say." she tells him.

He gives her a halfhearted smile.

"Just promise to come back to me." he whispers.

She takes a sharp breath.

"Thank you."

She turns and runs to get on the boat.

"Is Rafe coming?" Kie asks.

Jo shakes her head.

"No. He's not." she responds.

She feels a pain in her chest at leaving Rafe, but she knows she needs her friends more.

Jo climbs up the helm to be with Kie.

Jo grabs a small gold chain and grabs her ring and slides it on the chain.

She quickly fastens it around her neck.

"Can you do me a solid and not mention this to the guys?" Jo asks hesitantly.

Kie gives her a disapproving look and sighs.

"You have to tell them. But I won't be that person. Your secret is safe with me." Kie answers.

"Thank you." Jo says.

"So, I texted that number with a pin of our location. They're gonna meet us." Kie informs Jo.

                                          **********************************

Jo changes her clothes as Kie pulls into the port.

She tucks the chain in her shirt and heads up to the deck.

"I'm gonna go change. Keep a look out." Kie says to her.

Jo nods her head.

"I have clothes in the blue bag you can wear." she tells her.

She watches Kie go down to the cabins.

Jo looks up and her heart stops.

A person with his back to her looks very familiar.

The person turns around and she feels so many butterflies in her stomach.

She is staring right at JJ.

He stares in shock and love as he lowers the hat he's wearing.

"Hey."

She smiles widely.

"Did you miss me?" she laughs.

"Jo? I can't believe it!"

She jumps down from the boat as he runs to her.

He picks her up as her arms wrap around his neck.

"Oh my God! I can't believe you're here right now!" he mumbles into her neck.

"I didn't think I would ever see you again."

Jo has tears in her eyes.

"Yea, well, I'm here now. Everything is fine. You're safe now." he tells her happily.

"I've missed you so much."

He pulls away and leans in to connect his lips with hers.

She kisses him back and wraps her arms around his neck.

"Jo?"

"No freaking way!"

"Holy shit, Jo!"

 "Look at you crazy girl!" Cleo exclaims.

"Kie!"

"Holy shit!"

Everyone takes their turn in hugging Jo and Kie.

Jo finally feels complete again at being back with her friends.

"So what the hell happened? How did you get this boat?" John B and Sarah ask.

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you." Kie states.

Jo and Kie lead their friends onto the boat.

"Okay, I have just a couple of questions."

JJ starts as he checks out the boat.

"Shoot." Jo responds to him.

"A Lagoon 620 with twin 150 Volvos. You understand we can go anywhere with this thing, right?" JJ sounds ecstatic.

"Yea? Where do you wanna go first?" Jo asks.

JJ gives her a serious look as he climbs onto the boat.

"Did Rafe hurt you at all? I swear to God, if he did." Jo grabs his face.

She shakes her head.

"He didn't hurt me. I promise." she tells him sincerely.

"So like, what were you even doing there? And what did he Singh want with you guys?" Pope asks them.

"You're not gonna believe this. He wanted Denmark's diary." Kie informs them.

"What?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. But he said that it leads to a treasure that's a lot bigger than the Merchant." Kie answers.

"You're saying there's a bigger treasure?" JJ asks.

"Yea apparently." Jo answers.

JJ wraps his arms around Jo again.

"Then sign me up." he exclaims.

John B rushes past them suddenly.

"John B where you going?" Pope shouts at him.

"I'll be back!" He shouts back to them.

"John B, we gotta go!" Kie shouts.

Jo climbs up to the helm.

"Sarah? Where is he going?" Jo questions her.

"That church I think." Sarah points towards a church.

"He said something about bells."

Jo listens as the bells ring again.

They seem familiar to her, but she can't remember from where.

                                  *****************************

They continue to wait for John B to show back up.

"Where the hell is he?" Pope questions.

"He said he would be back by now!" Sarah exclaims.

Just then a bunch of trucks show up to the dock.

"Oh shit!" Kie shouts.

"That's Singh's men." Cleo informs them.

"What do we do?" Jo sees JJ cock a gun.

"We take a stand. That's what we gotta do. That's our only option." JJ states.

"Are you out of your mind!?" Jo lectures.

"Joanna, we are not splitting up again! I can't handle it!" JJ shouts back at her.

"You didn't see what we seen! They killed Portis! We can't stay here!" Kie argues.

"We're not leaving John B!" JJ argues.

"No Pogue left behind!" Pope stands being JJ.

"They're getting closer!" Cleo warns them.

Sarah starts to drive the boat.

"We're not leaving John B behind!" JJ shouts.

Pope tries to hold him back.

"We don't have a choice anymore!" Kie shouts.

"Get down!" Cleo shouts as guns start shooting at them.

JJ pulls Jo down and he climbs on top of her to cover her.

They get further away on the boat.

"Oh no! What did we do?"

They all feel guilty for leaving John B behind.

"Damn it!"

JJ slams his fist on the deck.

"I'm sorry John B." Sarah mumbles.

Jo pulls her into a hug.

She was reunited with her friends, just to lose one of them.

Her heart breaks again.

She locks eyes with JJ who is staring at her with sadness.

#outer banks #pogue for life #joanna mills #jj maybank #rafe cameron #kiara carrera #sarah cameron #john b routledge #pope heyward #cleo #pogues for life #p4l

[a-tale-of-legends]

Not a fully written piece, but I wanted to write a much needed conversation between N and the twins regarding certain elements during bw. Full discretion, N calls himself "creepy" as a shorter, more blunt way of asking if they made the twins uncomfortable. So heads up for that. All in all, this is something that I feel would happen post TBWS, where everyone is just more open to finally talk about things that has bothered them for while, which for N means properly addressing and owning up to his own actions.

_ _ _

N: ....N: Alexis? Elliot?

Alexis, either eating or drinking something, not paying full attention: Hm?

N: Am I creepy?

Alexis: *spits out drink or chokes on his food*

Elliot: I mean, yeah, kinda.

Alexis: Eli- * starts coughing and hacking *

Elliot, patting Alexis' back: Well you were pretty creepy back then. You did drag Alexis to that ferris wheel. Which was stated to be a romantic date spot. When you were, what, 18?20? And Alex, was like,14.

Alexis: Elliot, you can't - you can't just say that.

Elliot: Huh? Why not? He asked and I answered. You want me to lie?

Alexis: Well- no, but you could have said it better. And you didn't need to bring up that.

Elliot: I most certainly did! Do you have any idea how worried I was for you? Not to mention how N was so interested in your personal growth. I mean I get you two were friends or something but-

Alexis: Eli- * sighs and turns to N * N-

N: Oh no, she's right.

Alexis: I- huh?

N: I've been thinking about how we- how I got to this point. About all the things I did and didn't do I.....I think I was so focused on what happened to me that I never thought about happened to you two.

N: I mean I did. Of course I did! I dragged you two into a mess that ended up with you two hurt in an attempt to save me. I'm forever grateful for that but I just constantly would gloss over the finer details of it all....did I make you two feel uncomfortable, back then?

Elliot: Yeah. Though I think I translated that to anger.

Alexis:..... a bit, yeah.

N: I see. Alexis. Elliot. I am so so sorry for how I made you two feel back then.

Alexis: N, it's fine, you were-

N: Incredibly sheltered and was in an abusive household, I know. I know that, and I know that some things where out of my control and I simply didn't know. But they were some things that were in my control, very clearly in my control and I used it to force my self-righteousness onto you two. Especially you Alexis, and I'm so sorry.

*an uncomfortable pause*

Alexis: I don't think you did it intentionally. Though I guess it still happened. I- I don't know how to feel about it now? I don't hate you. I don't think I can bring myself to be angry with you either. Though I can't say I forgave you since I never really thought about it until now. Never really wanted to think about it, until now. Can't really forgive if you never really unpacked what your exactly forgiving.

Elliot: Again, I'm pretty sure I turned my uncomfortableness into anger about the whole situation. However, I forgave you a long time ago, N. Back when Neo Team Plasma was a thing. It was clear that you've grown since then. That, and I wasn't as angry as I was before. I mean. I was still pissed, but a level headed sort of pissed.

Elliot: Also, now that we're talking about it, if you think being really meek about things or not really putting your foot down when it comes to us as a way of repenting or whatever, it's not. That's not helping at all.

Alexis: Yeah, coming from experience, it makes the cycle worse.

N: I-...thank you. I'm not sure what else to say but thank you.

Elliot: You've grown and changed N. I don't think past N would even brought up something like this in the first place, really.

Alexis: Actually, on that note, N did you really have to start off by saying " Am I creepy"?

N: That's.....literally what this entire conversation was about?

Alexis: I mean, yeah, but maybe like " hey, did I make you two uncomfortable during your journey," would have been just as effective.

Elliot: Too many words.

N: What she said.

Alexis: I- you two- * sighs * nevermind

#r rambles #legendverse #oc: elliot jones #oc: alexis jones #legendverse! n #pokemon n #not a ship #just making that clear too #n is the twins adoptive older sibling #all three needs therapy now that i think about it #why haven't i given them therapy yet sheesh

[macarensesangles]

it really makes me upset too that i feel like the advice i get from other people sometimes is like "youll feel so much better when you just let your system flag fly and BE YOURSELF" or whatever like. idk i am ALREADY being myself, i'm not pretending or putting on a "singlet act" or something, this has just always been how ive been and occasionally i have those changes in behavior i cant control from like the other parts of whatever but for the most part it's like... idk how to explain it im not putting something on intentionally it's just that my internal state or arguments with other parts or switches or whatever like none of it has ever been noticeable or something any of us have wanted to telegraph clearly

like i don't like having DID and feel ashamed of it because despite the good parts people talk about it causes me a lot of pain and dysfunction and disables me, and because what happened to cause it is something i feel shame and disgust about in the first place. i would prefer for that to not have happened, i would prefer to live an easier and better life and to me the DID is like the biggest obstacle in the way of a life with less suffering in it and this huge looming reminder of all the horrible shit i've ever gone through that i wish i could just reject. i hate the way i feel like it's going to make people see me and the suffering it causes me and the time and memories i lose to it. THAT'S why i don't want it.

i just like....idk. i'm not pretending to be someone different or like "not being myself" with all this. i feel like i have valid reasons to not want it. i always feel so pressured and awful that people assume i'm putting up a front and that i really DO want this or that i need to just like, stop trying to "act singlet" or come out of the closet or whatever, as if i could never POSSIBLY be the way i am with DID and in reality i am someone completely different. like i hate being treated as though i'm a stranger to myself because i don't fit a certain narrative.

#tag for complaining