#not as tired as yesterday but still not great

[bcyoureallthatmakessense]

.

#about me #melismusings #too tired for anyones shit today #if they grade my calls today the scores will not be great #not as tired as yesterday but still not great #in other news i had some good tamales #in other other news #my cousin is coming in from out of town #and my body dysmorphia and self esteem aremt doing well #anyways #im wrapping gifts today so thats fun

[synthshenanigans]

Jashtober Day 27 & 28- Potion & Bass

Designs by @/cinnamonsly!!!

Bonus Bass doodle:

#combined these since both are the novel album #definitely the reason #not because im behind #main band stuff is done tho!! my sis did great :} #for other band people. it was semi finales & state yesterday so i was VERY busy & VERY tired #an I already graduated too so I didn't even march. i just pushed props around an a big ass speaker. #still was gr8 tho. they got 4th overall in their state an class which is real cool #okay sorry enough ranting lol #besides its like. 11:52 rn i don't want this any later than it already is #chonny jash #cj jekyll #cj adam #cjgw #cj gothic lit #jashtober #jashtober day 27 #jashtober day 28 #-atlas art-

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

the beach conversation is insane actually im always being so mean to 13 for how closed off she is but it's insane what she does here like "ive never been able to", "it's what my life is", "not because i dont want to"

shes like sorry yaz i cant give you much but lets play doctors and students and reenact the anatomy lesson dr nicolaes tulp you be the doctor and the students and i'll be the body hang on let me hold up a lamp so you can see what we're doing

shes like sorry yaz i cant give you much i locked my hearts in this rusty vault and lost the keys but if i had a spare i would give you it i swear i promise i know thats not enough but i'd give it to you

"i cant fix myself" is how she starts. "i'll be fine, in the end, hopefully" she says like an hour after regenerating after describing just how much it fucks her up and how scary it is and how painful and how much of a gamble, really, how much of a leap of faith and hoping for the best, hoping for that net to appear because if it doesnt......... theres no backup

are you alright, doctor? are you okay? yaz has asked a hundred times without getting an answer. and now she finally does and it seems to recontextualise every dodge that has come before. stop asking, it's not the end yet, theres still time, a little more patience, i will figure it out, i will be able to give you a yes eventually im sure of it.

but now it is the end, regeneration looms again, time is running out, and this endlessly delayed answer sounds like a resignation. i cant do it. not in time. maybe not ever. but definitely not before the plane crashes and i take you down with me. i broke the universe and i cant fix it. it's too late. i dawdled too much.

and what this could have been, but isnt, because neither of them take it this way, think of it this way, because theyre too much alike, and not like this at all, but what this could have been, in intention and reception, is a request for help. i give up, i cant figure this out, but can you? the doctor doesnt mean this, and yaz has always been too attentive to the limits, too respectful of the doctor's boundaries (from "who, me? no. never doubted. don't know what you mean" in ghost monument to "can we just live in the present") to misinterpret it this way. so theyre on the same page. a page, as always, decided on by the doctor. but it does make the perfect set up for the finale

because i do think, sort of, that yaz fixed it. not you know the millennia of trauma but the specific inability of 13 to trust people. the clara/river/missy/bill my-friends-die-or-are-not-what-they-seem-or-both cant-hold-anyones-hand-but-my-own inability to trust her friends are her friends and they will not like explode into gore and viscera if she touches them (which now that ive said it i bet is what she has nightmares about. perfect match with what i think yaz has nightmares about which is the doctor exploding into gore and viscera and not being able to do anything abt it. actually the best idea i think ive ever written abt what yaz has nightmares about is "or you take off your coat and youre wearing dynamite", but i digress) that, i think yaz sort of fixes when she saves the doctor and saves the world and i think if 13 had lived she'd have trusted yaz after that in a way she couldnt before and maybe even that realisation of "you saved my life" in that weird malleable state of post-pseudoregeneration might have had a hand in why 14 is the way he is

#anyway #Them #sonya voice: i still think abt it #can you believe its been 2 years since sea devils???what the fuck #woughhhhhhhhhh #i miss them #i miss writing thasmin in like................that space #i love writing yaz/14 it's very cathartic #like hello lets Talk About Things #yesterday i wrote 14 saying 'it's new! i love new. new is great' which was so nice #my 14 is a lot more 13 than 10. theres no 10 at all honestly i dont care abt him #yaz/14 is just.........thasmin Continued #but anyway i do miss writing them all.............never saying anything #that got tiring after 2 years and its nice to like catharse all that tension now with yaz/14 but #doesnt mean that tension isnt an interesting place you know? #but anyway change is part of love #its fun giving them new problems too fhgkghgjhjh

[shima-draws]

Currently in my banging my head against the wall phase. Hope you all are well 🥰

#Doc told me to schedule another MRI on Tuesday. They said they sent the order over on Tuesday. #I call on Tuesday to schedule the appointment. They don't have the referral yet #I called yesterday to try and schedule. They STILL don't have the referral #I message my doc and make sure they actually sent it over to the right place. (They did.) #They say they'll fax it over again! Great! #I call AGAIN today. They STILL don't have the referral #Bro I just need to schedule this fucking MRI so I can find out what's WRONG with me #The girl on the phone was like 'Oh yeah we're real busy we get orders all the time it must not have hit the system yet' #BRO IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN IT. TEARING my hair out #I went to their website to try and schedule online. Guess what? THEIR GODDAMN SCHEDULING ASSISTANT IS DOWN FOR MAITENANCE #SCREAMS #Anyway yes so in my banging my head against the wall phase. I'm so tired #And still in pain! To nobody's surprise!! #They can't fix what's wrong with me if I can't even get in to get an MRI. Hello. PLEASE #This isn't really smth that can wait a couple weeks #I should've been in to see them like YESTERDAY. #My pain is so bad I had to stay at home today. And I go and ice my back every hour or so #Bc I can't sit down for more than 45 minutes without wanting to kill myself ;)))) #Shima speaks #I'M SORRY I'm just so. I've been over this for months. And now that I'm THIS close to getting answers #I can't. Seem to get these people to schedule an appointment for me #Grinds my teeth

[sportsthoughts]

.

#oh i am a bit tired tonight folks. had a nice time yesterday trawling through old pens forums and linking back some posts to here #(all with links because like - it's nice to share where you've found fun stuff right?) no point gatekeeping at all - we don't own content #and then the same old people once again somehow by chance post the exact same five or six photos 5 minutes after #and yeah. great minds think alike right? you were probably trawling a not touched since 2015 forum too at the same time. it's possible #and out of the hundreds of photos on there you decided to make the exact selection i did. it's possible right? #and truthfully i don't really care because i'm posting this stuff because my blog is MY personal archive and it's stuff I want to catalogue #but when you have blocked as many blogs and sideblogs as you can and people are still finding you and send you shitty anons for just... #daring to use the player tags? cataloging stuff by literally tagging the player's name? ughhhhh it's exhausting how can i block you when yo #are the tumblr equivalent of hydra regrowing a new fake sideblog pretending to be a different person every week. #sorry i know this ranting into the abyss is pointless but i have a few more posts scheduled for tonight and i know i'll wake up tomorrow #and miraculously the same ones will be posted on the same people's blogs 5 minutes after me and it's just so childish #but yeah. we all know who they are and i'm just a little tired of it and hearing the stories of people being harassed in their inboxes/dms #anyway anyway anyway. i think i shall just take a break from posting stuff because feeling a little disheartened! and uncomfortable #because i feel watched. please stop using other blogs to find me. please stop talking about me in your tags. touch some grass my friends

[chiara-klara-claire]

6.2.24 🎉🫥

#I brought cake to work because I gues you have to #colleague asked me what are you going to do tonight #I said not much I think #another done said jeez you’re 26 and not doing anything #and I answered oh yeah that’s for the weekend which is true but still #I’m just so down I don’t even have the energies to pretend it’s fine #I was about to cry #I think I’ll spend the day eating and crying #it’s really great how it only gets worse with time #they say at some point things get only get better but truth is it can always get worse #yesterday tho I almost lost my phone by leaving it at the zelfkassa at the Albert Heijn. thank god I realised it run back & it was t #nothing really make sense and I’m tired of sending cvs #there’s nothing I like and I have to pretend I like everything and everything is cool #i replied in a very dry way to my family wishes bc of how bad I’ve been feeling #I’ll probably eventually just throw something on ig and have 2 people say hbd #it’s all about suffering #this weekend I’ll go to Sweden if things go according to plan and will probably feel like crying most of the time there too #by myself in some hostel bc my friends are too busy for me #there’s always some god eating your heart out right #I think I’ll spend a good amount of time blinding myself with tears #I can’t wait to go to the psychologist

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

[mothram]

#diana's music diary #good morning I'm still tired but I'm awake and feel fine! #yesterday was great I talked to friends and stuff but I didn't get all that much done cause of the constant brain fog @@ #my head hurts and has since then too so it's whatever like it's frustrating but I'll try to work around it today <:3 #pretty much my plan is the same as yesterday because of that... don't have all that much new to say... #I guess I'll just change it up and ask what you're all doing right now/today? would love to hear it friends <3 #this music is great for sleeping btw.. would recommend..

[running-in-the-dark]

okay, my husband got some Paracetamol for me (from my brother) and I was able to sleep more after that. way more than I wanted, though (it's after 7pm now).

it was very bad sleep, though. so I almost feel worse now. except at least the headache is gone so I suppose that's good.

#and my eyes are all red and puffy again #like that time after I used the oil paints #I was at my mother's for several hours yesterday and I was itchy after that... #I don't know if that's related but if it is I don't like it #had mild sleep paralysis when I woke up. pretty bad nightmares. overall not great #and I'm still tired/exhausted/fatigued or whatever #personal

[astro-inthestars]

Hi guess who feels like he just experienced 8 consecutive days in a matter of 2?

#rennikorambles #holy fuHUCK I AM SO EXHAUSTED. I AM LITERALLY EXHAUSTED #I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF I SAY THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST EXHAUSTING TWO DAYS OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE... #yesterday in class our very first subject was our advisory one and since the cheer dance has been crucial we just went down to practice #great straining start to the day! (i do like our cheer dance though i think we'll beat the other sections but MAN IS IT TIRING.) #and then i had to go over to the avr to get prized and shit for winning 1st place on the spelling bee(it was nothing dont even care abt it) #and then after that immediately had to go down (since this was the end of class) and practice AGAIN for 2 more hours #good god and thats friday for you #and im pretty sure this was when i discovered that my brother (who usually goes home at 4 and my practice ended then) #had left me behind and gone home already. and like usually whenever i have practice and end at 4 we just go home w #*together #but. yeah. that didnt have me feeling good but it was okay #and when i was ready to pass out hoHOH NOO NONO #my aunt decided hey! we should celebrate your wonderful high grades by going out together (me my brother and my cousin) and h #have a sleepover! and we were just. sure ok. so we had to pack IMMEDIATELY and get on going #more stuff and more waiting in traffic happened and shit and more shit #and then we got to the street mall and hogh boy MORE WALKING. but i love the place so i didnt mind (still walking though. haugh) #and then ate at a place ive never eaten at. i liked the food really! but then my stomach decided death for me #(apparently eating dinner 9 hours after lunch isnt good..?) so the rest of the time my stomach was squeezing and i felt like throwing up #but it was fine i didnt throw up! AND THEN ALSO I FAILED TO MENTION. My class paid to reserve 4 hours at a court to practice #which was at 10 am the next day. so i had to sleep early which i did! woke up at 7 <3 watched enola holmes.... #bUT I STILL GOT SO FUCKING LATE I ARRIVED AT 11. didnt even get to savor the sleepover haugh..... and then practice OH practice. sufferings #after a whole problem with a bunch of idiots at the court that barged in we decided to cut the practice at 12:30 #i got picked up by my parents then we went home! .BUT ITS NOT OVER YET. WE HAD TO BRING OUR HOUSEHELP TO HER HOUSE #and they said it'd be quick. just a quick drop off to help her. #bUT NOOOOO WE WENT TO THE FILIPINO EQUIVALENT OF COSTCO AND THEN AN AMUSEMENT PARK #WHICH WAS SO COOL OH MY FUCK BUT ALSO HOLY SHIT. #first of all i got to finally try the Vikings ride and a roller coaster! good news i can handle roller coasters! #bad news i cannot handle vikings. theyre.... overwhelming- i couldnt even SCREAM from how scared i was #anyways i roamed phil costco it was so fun. but my poor feet. i have sustained 5 different kinds of body pain.

[theokusgallery]

OKAY OKAY I SAW YOUR MOST RECENT ART POST

AND I LOVE IT

BUT BUT

I'M SORRY BUT

SUNNY LOOKS LIKE HE'S PROCESSING THAT THIS BLONDE GAYASS GUY LIKES HIM

HE GOT NO THOUGHTS

AT ALL

BEHIND THOSE EYES

I'M SORRY DON'T KILL ME PLEASE

Sunny's like "oh shit when he said he liked me he meant it"

#answering asks late sorry i am still. diseased #ask #dyesprout0ysphoria #the 'no thoughts head empty' look was the INTENTION btw so im glad youre seeing it like that #sunny's processing. his brain hasnt caught up with whats happening yet #nick just grabbed him and sun's brain made the fuckin. w.d. gaster noises #its also way funnier to say that kind of stuff without adding ''please dont kill me'' #because that implies youre saying something you know is bad or i wont like or smth #i do like what youre saying! you dont need to apologise! #you dont need to say it like its the wrong interpretation or like i drew it badly and made it accidentally funny or whatever #it was the intention!! sunny's head is EMPTY dude is REBOOTING he's Stunned #hes like ''what . wh at is happening right now'' #im sorry if im misinterpreting what you said i am. not doing great #part of why i didnt answer many asks yesterday was because im tired and sick and my body doesnt have the energy for emotions right now #let alone good ones #you guys are really cool and nice and i love and appreciate all the asks and everything else i am OVERWHELMED by your positivity #i didnt want to get mean on accident #im just terribly sick. #arsenic

[loverofallthingssmart]

afternoon naps mindkiller…

#i don’t work tuesdays anymore which opened up a LOTT of time to finish my work and stuff which is great bc ystday #i got NOTHING done so like today was gonna be the reset but i was so tired yesterday i decided to celebrate the fact that i make less money #w a little shut eye except i woke up when my shift would ahve ended anyway so it doesn’t matter in the first place 😩😩😩😩 #at least i would have been productive at work now i still have everything to do and very little motivation and time to do it #UGH. whatever. it was supposed to be a bad week like written by the gods i could tell. my superstitious nature and also my depression decide #this for me

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[legzeppelin]

how do i tell jackson that he needs to find a way to not call me every single day and yell and rant for like an hour nonstop about everything thats going wrong for him or im going to have to break up with him without sounding like i dont care about his problems

#you guys it is so. exhausting #i cant do it #also he was playing breath of the wild yesterday and he was confused about how the great fairies work for some reason and he was like #but why would certain great fairies ask for more rupees than others if it doesnt matter what order you find them in?? #and he couldnt let go of the idea that you have to wake them up in a certain order to upgrade your armor #and i kept telling him it doesnt matter what order you wake them up in. it just doesnt #and we kept going in circles and he kept getting more heated and i was literally holding back tears because i was so tired and it was so #stupid #like dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why the fuck is this conversation continuing past when i told you it doest matter what order you find the #great fairies!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it doesnt fucking matter they will still upgrade your armor!!!!!! why are you so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #you can literally just play the game and find out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #he was not listening to me!!! at!! all!!!! #he just cant wrap his head around the fact that some things in life just wont make sense to him. thats just how life is. #not everyone thinks like you. and it should not make you angry that you cant understand

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! <3

#i already feel better than yesterday #like yesterday morning was... fun #let's just say my stomach was bullying me and leave it there #but i already feel much better! though I'm still a little tired bc of it I think lol #but hopefully i'll have the energy to like write or do /something/ extra tonight ^-^ #either way #i hope you all have a great day/night!! <3 #morning rambles

[outlying-hyppocrate]

he has stood under the sun for so long that time begins to collapse into itself. she makes me experience the strangest colors. and how is everyone else today

#random thoughts #if you can't tell. i'm doing interestingly #it's not as hot as yesterday. i am still. relatively normal. just. very tired #not in great condition. feeling. unwell. what is wrong with me? i've wanted to be friends with the sun for so long #but. she does not like me. oh well. have i done something to put her off? i should hope not #h. anyway. back to normalposting