#no one get used to it im still gonna have them do miserable break up things and create drama dont worry about THAT

[boxwinebaddie]

How/when does Jersey end up saying I love you?

oooooh! okay, so i was going to write it out ( i am jennifer slowpez so in nina fashion, i am spoiling it, what's new? ) but there is a part after this...if we remember this ask i am obsessed with where raven is diabolically patching jersey up via the tiny child sized hellokitty carebear bandids kyle bought for the kids he works w in the elementary school via that one anons delicious input...genius really.

*raven vc* pero like, so you know, they pull away it's awkward fml. dawg, they are about to *dreamy fit asf rm tolkien posh british vc* have a cheeky little snog like that entire whumpshot...anyways!

( ALRIGHT THIS IS LONG, VERY UNHINGED AND ROUGH SORRY I HOPE YOU SMILE LAUGH AND CRY PENDEJOS <3 )

kyle notices that the vinyl record player is playing their sadie hawkins first dance song ( idk what song it is but its an abba song because thats gay rights baby! its probably my love, my life or andante andante...branch in my eyes ) and theres a bowl of skittles, but only the red ones are in it...because stan still eats around the red ones bc only kyle can have the red ones....brb crying!

yadda yadda yadda. and i think on the tv, the screen is paused over a brand new episode of say yes to the dress ( if we recall, before i deleted chapter six...which was a disaster but also a masterpiece rip, ravenstan was being so boyfail cute in it in his armani suit and was rizzing the hell out of kyle with his crunchy boy knowledge of plants...when stan came over for their #hate fashionably late, kyle was stress-watching say yes to the dress...which is his favorite show because he claims to be allergic to romance, but secretly thinks its really beautiful that people can fall and love and get married...AAA )

but anyways, when they start dating say yes to the dress ( shoutout to when ravenstan forgot what it was called bc adhd and called it Are You Down With The Gown ) became their show and kyle very quietly is like "were you going to watch it?" and stan getting nervous, trying to deflect because they always watch it together is like uhuhuhHhHh and kyle, sad laugh shaking his head is like "baby" *yersey swearing* "dude...baby dude...my guy...just guy, fuck, you know you can watch it without me. we're not...Together. *hurts worse than his ribs* you don't have to wait for me." and stan is like "i-i know. i was going to...i-i Wanted to! i just--i couldn't. i couldn't watch all the people in...."

Love :(

he doesn't say it. but jersey kyle can FEEL it.

he winces. hard.

he wants to fucking die...he wants to say something but he's so stupid and he ruined ravenstan's life, words fail him but STAN!!! grabs his hand and is like "-because! because i knew it would make me miss you. and fuck it. FUCK EVERYTHING KYLE I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!! i miss you and i LOVE you and i don't--i don't care if you can't say it back! i don't have to wait for you, but i WILL! i want to! i'll--i'll wait forever! YOURE MY FOREVER. people tell me they love me everyday, but with you--i can feel it. I. Just. Know. and that's enough! you're enough. YOURE ENOUGH, KYLE BROFLOVSKI. just the way you are. and i'm sorry...i'm sorry i pushed you and tried to change you. i was just, i was insecure about it i guess--and--and--"

cue kyle smiling like an idiot ( the rare kyle smile ) like "...stan?"

ft. stan still yapping smh like "oh my god, i miss you SO much! curb only got into the trash because you weren't here to remind me. and i had pasta from this five star restaurant the other day and oh my god, ky. it was TRASH! yours is so much better! and-and i think i broke the washing machine earlier, oh my god, it sounded like an explosion, i can't find anything, i--"

kyle...literally still trying to get stans attention smh going

"stan? hey? stan???? Stan???"

stans still yapping btw ( oh my god when he is passionate the man never shuts the hell up hes like rambling himself into a corner ) like "and theres this new exhibit in the aquarium and theres this huge red fish in it and i wanted to send it to you and be like 'this you' but were fighting and I HATE FIGHTING WITH YOU. can we stop fighting? :< i miss you. will you please come home? curb misses you, i miss you, i--"

*jersey vc* STANLEY MARSH!

*stan doing the wide flustered doe eye thing with the lip ring lip bite combo that makes kyle like actually criminally insane with love feels*

speaking of...

he leeeeeeeeeeeeeeans in...

gently grasps ravenstan's face

KISSES THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

and says

and i quote...

"Te amo." <3

AAAAAAAAAA AND THE CROWD GOES WIIIIIIILD :')

-uncle nina, gratuitous undivorcer of ravesey style

#i'll edit the tags in a second #but is everyone happy #theyre in love again #i promise #*impastor craig vc* by the power vested in me i now pronounce my beautiful gay sons that i tortured for half a year #Undivorced ;-; <3 #I CAAAAAAAAAANT BELIEVE IT #no one get used to it im still gonna have them do miserable break up things and create drama dont worry about THAT #BUT I CANT BELIEVE JERSEY KYLE SAID I LOVE YOU #I AM SO PROUD WOW THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL #now i can write the jersey kyle Can say i love u meme #( which is my favorite ask meme its so funny ily robot kyle ) #he is like...i have so many feelings...i am excited? frightened? ex...frightened? #I CANT BELIEVE JERSEY KYLE SAID TEEEE AMO #SMILE PENDEJO NATION WE ARE SOOOOO BACK! #is anyone else crying or is it just me is it just jersey and raven and me and curb and the entire internet #UR WELCOME! YOU ARE ALL NO LONGER CHILDREN OF DIVORCE! TIME TO REJOOOOOOOOOOOICE YALL #*passes out The I Survived The 2024 Ravesey Divorce And All I Got Was This Stupid Teeshirt stupid teeshirts* #my sons in love my sons in AMOR bitch!!!!!! #that rizz was crazy also this was too happy so pls note they quite licherally almost smashed but kyles bones are broken #NOT THE ONE THAT MATTERS THO but he did still get stanbanned by sexy nurse raven lamE #*teri vc* at least he'd die doing what he loves...LITERALLY!!! #i admire his dedication like i too would risk it all to get risque and frisque with ravenstan but no they just #watched say yes to the dress and fell asleep on the couch #The End <3 #everybody chant NINA!!! NINA!!!! NINAAAAAAA!!!

[love-belle]

you're the best in my life and i lost you !!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which they truly are the best in each other's lives but they lost them.

or

for when you finally get to know that maybe it is unrequited. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

social media au // charles leclerc x fem!reader

prequel - i'd never walk cornelia street sign ⋆·˚ ༘ *

warnings - language

author's note - finally here!!!!! i REALLLLLLY hope u like it !!! i have so much planned for this week and i hope i can show u all of it soon !!! thank u so much for reading i love you <3

tagged - @willowpains @lexxlouuu @topaz125 @leclercloml @sophiaasf @slut4peterparker @crlsummer @ananyasr1bughead @official-chicken-little @jspitwall @lovely-blackinnon

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by lewishamilton, carmenmmundt, lilymhe and 3,927,588 others

yourusername my sophomore album "good riddance" is finally here and i'm soooo excited for u all to hear little pieces of my heart sewn together. every single syllable is what i feel and what i have been feeling. we all have that one person that we absolutely refuse to talk about so just like that, i ended up writing a whole album instead. thank you sooo much for supporting me, i love you all forever. and to the inspiration behind this, thank you. you were good to me. you're the best i've ever had.

19,628 comments

username SCREECHING WHAT THE FUCK

username oh my god

username now im half of myself here without you?????? you're the best in my life and i lost you????? and we had no control when it fell through???? it was one sided hate how i hurt you?????

-> username WHERE DO WE GO NOW

username i 😭 know 😭 i 😭 know 😭 better 😭 you're 😭 no 😭 guarantee 😭

username I ALMOST LOST IT I'LL HEAL EVENTUALLY BUT FASTER WHEN UR NEXT TO ME NEXT TO ME

-> username IM CODEPENDENT BUT TRYING HARD NOT TO BE IM BETTER WHEN UR NEXT TO ME

username why the FUCK aren't people talking about the blue and how it's literally her and charles???

-> username "you came out of the blue like that i never could've seen you coming i think you're everything i wanted" NAHHH FRRRRR

username there was absolutely NO NEED to break my heart like this

username charles is probably tearing up rn likeeee

-> username bro's hiding in a corner bc i KNOW lily is out for blood today

danielricciardo cool album

-> yourusername thank u i wrote it myself!!!!!!

-> username as if daniel's stories aren't js him crying and singing along the whole album 😭😭😭

username "i know it won't work" had NO business ruining me like that when i know damn well i haven't even held hands with someone

username THE VOICE MESSAGE IN THE INTERLUDE OMGKMGKMGKGSJJAJS

-> username i bet you my first born that it's CHARLES

-> username lost it when it was cut from charles' message (yes it was charles and yes it broke my heart) to y/n's like THERE WAS NO NEED TO HURT ME LIKE THAT

username i wish for pain and im glad we only live once bc this woman WILL find more creative ways to hurt us with her amazing songwriting and vocal skills

lilymhe LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEE

-> yourusername I LOVE YOUUUUU

lilymhe SO SO SO GOOD AHHHSJSJSJS

-> yourusername STOP TYSM IM GONNA CRY

lilymhe the only album to ever exist btw

-> yourusername ur the 1 for me ❤️

username still not over two people like what do u MEAN "hate how we touched just to push things aside. when u take me for granted i make it alright"

username she's never attaining peace for releasing this and ruining my nights

username OH I KNOW SPIRALLING IS MISERABLE I SHOULD PROBABLY GO BACK HOME WHY DOES THAT FEEL DIFFICULT DIFFICULT

carmenmmundt still crying

-> yourusername same 😭😭😭

carmenmmundt george wants to comment but he can't see through his tears

-> yourusername PLEASE OMG

username "and to the inspiration behind this, thank you. you were good to me. you're the best i've ever had." DO U WANT ME TO CRY

username charles i am in ur walls

username i will never understand how she wrote "it's nice to have a friend" for charles and now she wrote "two people" like how did THAT transition happen

-> username the worst transition ever btw

landonorris thid is si good anf im cryjng so harf whay thr fucj

-> yourusername lando deep breaths

-> landonorris DINT TELL MR TI TAKR DEEP BRESTGS I SWRAR

-> yourusername wow

-> username i identify so much with lando it's INSANE

username somewhere in monaco pascale leclerc is listening to this album and it's a good day ❤️

-> username bet u literally my bank account the entire leclerc household is BLASTING this

carla.brocker words cannot explain how proud i am 🩷🩷🩷 i love you so much big sis

-> yourusername carlaaaaa 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 u own my heart i LOVEEEE you

-> username this made me tear up whatcthebfuck

username no bc i KNOW charles heard "will u cry" and CRIED like that man is not strong enough to bear that

-> username no bc "u don't move me???? i see through u????? i don't follow???? i don't want to?????"

-> username that man is in SHAMBLES about this rn

username GOOD RIDDANCE TOUR WHEN

username this will be my personality for years to come

lorenzotl proud of you y/n/n 🤍

-> yourusername i love u charlotte's bf thank u

username cannot breathe bc "it's almost like you like to let me down" and "i hate the fact that i miss u around"

≡;- ꒰ °twitter꒱

≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱

liked by yourusername, landonorris, danielricciardo and 2,672,882 others

charles_leclerc so proud of you. seeing you live your dream is the best feeling ever and i hope you get to see the world just like we talked about. things aren't the same but my support for you will always be unwavering. this is what you were made for and i couldn't be more happy 🤍

tagged yourusername

16,628 comments

username what the actual fuck

username WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

username stfu this isn't DONE like u CAN'T do this

username "things aren't the same but my support for you will always be unwavering" WHAT IF I CRY

username so u mean to tell me that he went to her show after MONTHS even when they're not together just to support her???? bc he wants her to see the world even if things aren't the same????? what the fuck

username i did NOT need this at 7am in the morning come back later

username babe wake up new y/ncharles lore js dropped

danielricciardo amazing show!! aren't you glad i dragged you there?

-> charles_leclerc i literally booked the tickets myself what are you on about?

-> danielricciardo let me have this one mate

username last night was UNREAL bc wdym y/n's ex fiancé was there and wdym she sang full machine and the blue for him and wdym he came on stage and spoke so fondly about her and WDYM MAX VERSTAPPEN AND LANDO NORRIS THREW WATER AT THE AUDIENCE JS FOR THE HELL OF IT

username this is my roman empire

username i know he was dying inside like

username imagine fumbling a bad bitch like y/n couldn't be me LMFAOOOO

username y'all brutal in the comments let my man grovel in peace

landonorris nice caption. now say i love you.

-> charles_leclerc i love you lando

-> landonorris not to ME to HER (i love you too 😘😘😘🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍)

-> charles_leclerc oh (no)

username SCREAMING DANIEL SNATCHING Y/N'S MIC FROM HER AND SINGING HIS FAV SONG FROM THE ALBUM

-> username THEY'RE SO UNSERIOUS 😭😭😭

username this caption will haunt me in my dreams

username is it js me or did her voice crack when she said "now i know it's unrequited"

-> username NO BC I FR THOUGHT THAT IT WAS JS ME

-> username she genuinely looked on the verge of tears throughout "405" like

-> username imagine being y/n and singing the most heartbreaking song ever about ur ex IN FRONT OF UR EX

username no bc this feels like a confirmation that they'll never be together guys why does this feel so final i want my parents back.

username SCREAMING WHATHEBRCUKXKSKA

carlossainz55 surreal night. loved seeing you lose your cool every time she was nearing your side of the stage

-> charles_leclerc just because we can speak doesn't mean we should

username the camera switching from y/n to charles when she sang "i know it won't work" was so me like the camera person is messy js like me fr

username genuinely in ruins on my bedroom floor rn y/ncharles nation we LOST

username no bc i CANNOT enter their friendship era ever again after seeing what i have seen for the past few years

-> username fr like people don't GET IT!!!! they were supposed to get MARRIED

username forever crying bc of them 💔💔💔

yourusername forever grateful for u!!!! thank u so much 🫶🏼

*liked by charles_leclerc*

yourusername u deserve the world

*liked by charles_leclerc*

username charles replying to everyone but y/n on the post HE made for HER makes me so idk like it's weird

username no bc why do i have the feeling that y/n and charles are NOT good and this is js something done for "damage control" or wtv

username im.

#f1 x reader #f1 x female reader #f1 imagines #social media au #fake instagram imagines #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x female reader #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc imagines #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc instagram au

[subarashiihibi]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL WIFE IZAYA ORIHARA!!!!!!! 🥰😘👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨😭😎🔥🫶🩷

i can't quite put into words what exactly izaya has meant to me over the past 8 years. one, it sounds really corny and i go off into at least 30 different tangents about all the little things that make him so endearing to me, but also i just dont really know how to sound eloquent and stuff. that being said, a lot of the person i am today is (for better or for worse) thanks to izaya, so i think if i leave it at that you can at least get it a little bit. ^_^

i was really excited to set this year's display up. i changed the room i used this time, since i got a new desk, and it was...kind of a challenge at first, but after moving around a bunch of furniture and whatnot, i made it work...!

i had to forego putting up a few other things... namely the rest of my bromides and postcards, but also all my shikishi. i need to invest in some way to display them... i also had two(!!) dakimakura... i had to leave out this year. </3 and the cardboard cutout i made when i was 16. 😭

as usual, i have a lot of stuff to say about this entire thing and the stuff around it, so i... will leave my rambling under the cut. (^□^)

my god putting this thing together was hell. i said 'challenge' earlier no this shit was like a fucking war omfg. the clear files kept falling i was miserable and praying to god (im not even religious). and then i had to tape behind the big izaya balloon poster cause it's covering my doorway and it kept getting pulled back to the door...? and it looked stupid. 🤦‍♂️ i wasn't originally gonna put the tables in here either. i really wanted to be able to fit the bed sheets on the walls. but i couldn't... and i needed more room to put the pillows and stuff, so it ended up working out perfectly.

(the only reason i didn't want to use tables was cause i didn't want something covering up izaya's sexy exposed feet in the china poster... 😟)

i was (finally) gonna get a cake this year, but after having the stress of two exams back to back this week and exams next week, i...was too exhausted lol. hopefully next year i won't have an awful overnight job or school making me miserable. (as if i'm not still gonna be a student next year☠)

the amount of durarara merch that's come out the past few years has left me feeling so spoiled... i hope they do a mail order for the 20th anni merch... i want all the izaya stuff without the crazy markups from resellers online🤬

also plz don't judge my toploader deco skills too much... i am not very experienced... and i also don't have a lot of stickers to work with... 🥺

at any rate... at this exact time last year, i was suffering inside the confines of my local walmart... i was working overnight, and my break was at 12am, so as soon as it hit, i ran out to my car to excitedly celebrate the date changing to may 4th...!

and then during my lunch break, i drove to the whataburger next door and did another 10-pull on the izaya birthday kuji while in the drivethru.

i didn't realize this until i started taking stuff down in my room (this is my bedroom... i can't realistically keep two large tables in here and a poster covering my doorway. i had to crawl under the table just to get in and out. my knees still hurt.), but... i actually forgot something i wanted to include... my izaya lightstick... 💔💔💔 it's okay. i will live. i'm happy with my setup as a whole so i have no qualms with this. i just need to make sure i don't make the same mistake next year.

on a (slightly) unrelated note, yesterday (may 3) was the 19th birthday of my favorite album ever from my favorite band ever, fall out boy's from under the cork tree! i was so happy when i found out it's right before izaya's birthday cause fall out boy as a whole has so many izaya coded lyrics it's crazy. (btw, their debut album tttyg came out on the 6th as well...!)

and then tomorrow is cinco de mayo... it's not a coincidence... latina izaya truthers rise up...

anyways...! i'm finally learning how to draw properly. the reason i was always so miserable when i tried before was cause i never knew what i was doing. i didn't know where to start from. because...i didn't use references...so hopefully i can draw something cute for izaya's birthday next year. ^_^

that's all i have to say...! i woke up early this (yesterday) morning at 9am so i could be there at 10am when midnight hit in japan, and it's already 3am on the 4th, so i'm exhausted lol...

i was so excited seeing all the izaya bday fanart on twitter though. all the beautiful artists making beautiful art...

but i've spoken too much now. sorry. i'm going to spend the rest of my night listening to fall out boy before i eventually pass out. bye bye !!!! ^_^

#drrr!! #izaya #durarara!! #izaya orihara #durarara

[muzicgenerator]

Hey, can I request an angst story with Bill and reader (the reader is female) abt crazy fans please? Like them (Bill and the reader) admitting somewhere (idk maybe in an interview for a magazine) that they almost broke up because of that (maybe reader's fanbase is known for being "too much" sometimes like following the reader everywhere, being so in love with her etc)

(Also could the story take place in the 2000s please?)

Goodbye 👋

i like this one im actually excited abt writing this one shot

btw im so sorry for late reply AHSJHFKDHDK please expect ill take like AT LEAST a week to answer yalls request bc im busy as hell w school 😭😭 love u guys pls understand

and again this aint entirely proof read

⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒⭒

Too Much?

✮

Pairing: Bill Kaulitz x Fem Reader

Genre: Angst, Mostly fluff

Warnings: Stalking, mention of nonconsensual touching, very embarrassing storytime from bill

Request Status: closed :(

✩°｡⋆⸜ 🎧✮ I'm Not Okay (I Promise) : My Chemical Romance

(Time set back in late November of 2007)

Being a famous actress since as a child was unbelievably tough.

You had worked so hard and expertly; you didn't even have time to spend your childhood properly.

Just at the age of 19 and you've finished numerous movies and series. A true self-made millionaire, really.

You and your ravenette boyfriend are currently doing an interview for a night show.

"So ____, wow! After a long pause from doing films you're finally gonna have one showing soon! How is it like? Being back and all; being the talk of the country."

In the past one and a half year you hadn't done any projects since you've decided to take a break for yourself. And now you're once again busy taping with film staff and directors for your new and upcoming Teenage Romance movie.

Rest assured it's not your typical boy-meets-girl or vice versa and they do sappy sweet stuff and get together kind of film; it has its own uniqueness that will surely be called as "One of 2000s greatest Teen Romance movies of all time."

"Oh, I feel great Hanna. I had a deserving break and I'm back to doing one of the things I love most. I'm even happier because I got my lover and his band to sing the theme song for the movie." You truthfully answered and chuckled by the end of your statement.

"How about you Bill? How are things with your band?" Hanna included Bill to the conversation.

At that, he smiled politely. "Everything's great with us y'know, we're still together and all. Which I'm grateful for."

After a few more minutes for pep talk; the blonde interviewer finally decided to get onto the exciting part of the show.

"And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for! Dunk Tank!" Hanna smiled widely at the selected crowd.

"Where in this game; you will pick someone from the crowd who will accompany you with this game.

Your selected teammate will ask any question they want; to which you will answer, and if you don't want to then they'll get a chance to throw a ball on the target. Where if they hit it, you'll fall down the tank."

Hanna excitedly announced despite having done this for the nth time.

"____ and Bill, play Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who goes first."

You knew you'd beat Bill since every single time you played it - he'd miserably lose.

"Oh, I'm confident in winning this one!" you proudly say.

"Just because you've beat me all the other times we played this, doesn't mean I'll lose now!" Bill accepted your challenge and laughed.

He was right. He won for the very first time.

"Oh my God! Did I seriously win?!" your black clothed boyfriend exclaimed.

"I only let you win this time because I felt sorry." you playfully rolled your eyes with a smirk.

"Whatever, I'm gonna choose now." he giggled and stepped closer to the crowd.

His fan girls were screaming at the top of their lings, begging to be chosen by him.

No, you weren't jealous. Not one bit. Sometimes Bill would even complain about you not being possessive of him from time to time and would think you're not as in love as he thought.

It's cute, really. Then you'll show him how much you love him through actions rather than words.

Bill chose a girl who seemingly looked two or three years younger.

The joyous girl screamed in surprise; "Oh my god! What?! Me??! SERIOUSLY??"

It made Bill giggle, "Yes, you! Now get down here!"

A body guard helped the girl down; and when she was no longer at the stairs she rushed Bill to hug him but abruptly stopped. "Hi oh my god you're more beautiful up close! Can I hug you?!" she says excitingly.

It made your heart flutter just how kinder your boyfriend's fans are compared to yours.

To say your fan base is crazy is an understatement. Many would harass you through nasty words or touching you with no consent; it didn't matter if they did that out of how much they "love" you, it was still disgusting.

"Um, yeah. Sure!" he hesitantly looked at you; his eyes asking for permission. To which you subtly nodded.

Again, your heart melted by how he's making sure you're okay with it. Honestly, you very much understood that being famous would mean people wanting to hug you or any form of physical contact. Plus, it's not like you can say no to Bill from hugging a fan; you'd be a scandal. And you knew Bill wouldn't have any other choice as well.

He wrapped an arm over her shoulders while she fully embraced him. Okay, you're a teensy bit jealous especially by the way she's holding him like he's her man.

But that was soon washed away when she turns to you.

"Hi! What's your name sweetie?" Hanna asked and put a mic on her mouth.

"My name is Pauline!"

Before Hanna could say anything further, Pauline beat her to it.

"____!! I'm such a big fan of you too! I've been watching your movies since forever." saying she's over the moon is definitely an understatement! This will definitely be a core memory.

Almost immediately you wrapped your arms around her back and squeezed her. This girl is definitely one of the most respectable and sweetest fan you've ever met.

Was it really low? Yes.

The audience cheered by how sweet you and Bill had been to the girl and by how jealous they were.

As Bill and Hanna chattered about God knows what; the girl leaned closer to you in order to ask a favour which no one can hear.

"Can I ask you to shout out my brother? He has a huge crush on you!"

"Sorry darling but we're in the middle of a show right now. How about later I ask the staff to send you to the backstage? Then I'll give him my magazine with an autograph, and if you have a camera with you - you can video me saying hi to him!" you came up with a resolution.

Was it over the top? You didn't know and you didn't care. You're just fleeting with joy by how this girl isn't like any other of your fans.

"Seriously? You'd do that for me and my brother?" she gasped.

"Well, yeah. I mean it's not always that I have such nice interactions with people who are a fan."

"Okay lovebirds what are you two talking about there?" Hanna teased with a smirk and Bill playfully pouted.

"Nothing, nothing" you laughed and held Bill's arm as the crowd laughed and cheered.

"If you say sooo." she replied. "Alright, your turn to pick!"

You carefully looked around the crowd and walked five steps of the stairs to get a better view of the people on the back. A fifteen year old boy was holding a banner stating "Bill's No.1 Boy", it was cute, really. So you planned to steal your boyfriend's fan! (this a joke dont hate reader pls)

"The ginger at the back with the banner please." you said to the mic.

The boy squeeled in delight and threw his banner somewhere before running down to you. Your arms opened for an embrace which he immediately jumped into.

"What's your name?" you put the mic to his mouth as you both carefully went down the stairs and back to the stage.

"Sam, I'm Sam! My name is Sam!" his rather high pitched voice said.

"Okay, Sam. I know you're Bill's fan so I'm gonna have to steal you, that okay?"

"Hey, no fair!" Bill patted the boy's head and shot a smile at him.

This moment for him is definitely a core memory and will brag about it to every living human he sees.

"Now, who wants to go first in the tank?" Hanna asked.

"I'll do it" Bill says excitingly.

They agreed and the staff helped him get up. Once he were seated and adjusted in the circular surface; he challenge you.

"Ask a good one!"

"Ohohoo, we definitely will!" you smirked.

You turn to Sam and ask him without the mics near your faces; "What're you gonna ask your idol?"

"Oh uhmm, I don't really know." he says bashfully.

"Maybe his most embarrassing moment?"

"That'll work, definitely." you smile supportively and fist bumped him.

"Bill, you read?!" Hanna exclaimed.

"Born ready!!"

"Alright Sam, ask away!"

"What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you?" Sam asked with twinkles in his eyes.

"Oh, definitely when me and ____ weren't dating yet; she threw a sleepover party and she invited me and my mates, and there were three bathrooms, right? The three were being used and in one of those bathrooms it was Tom using it, and I had to rush him because I really needed to take a shit, like I couldn't hold it any farther!

So he went out really pissed and I pushed him off the door and quickly shut it and went right into business."

Bill paused and tried to compose himself as the crowd started to get louder.

"And when I washed and pushed the flush button - It wouldn't flush! So I got really scared because I just shit in my crush's toilet and I can't let anyone know that I'm the one who did it. So i looked around and saw a pack of pads so I took one of them; and forced myself to dip my hand down to grab it and I almost puked!

I look around and see there's no trash bin. So I panic again, and eventually decided I'll just rush down to throw it in the garbage in her garage. I quickly make a run for it and almost bumped into ___"

He now covered his hands in shame and embarrassment. "And she saw the pad in my hand! So she asked me like, 'Is that a pad?' and I'm like yes and so she asks whose it is...... and I said it's mine....."

You know of this story long ago; and it just gets better and better whenever you think or hear of it.

The audience and interviewer roared with laughter; as well as the staff behind and securities who tried to contain their smiles.

"I wish I never asked!" Sam wiped his tears from laughing too hard.

"Get down here Bill! That was too much!" Hanna's cheeks started to hurt, "Sorry to the viewers who are eating."

Bill went down immediately and squeezed the living life out of you. He does this whenever he's feeling embarrassed or nervous, and calls it his "Physical Support" from you.

"You should've let yourself get thrown in the water!" you giggled and hugged him back before he pulled away with a red face.

"Next goes ____!"

Once you were seated and made yourself comfortable on the seat; you tell them you're ready.

It was Pauline's turn to question whatever she wishes. "____, what do you think of your fans?"

She asks sincerely; she must've noticed something by the way you're like to your fan base and to Bill's. A part of you wished she hadn't asked but you've been dying to let the creepers out there know that whatever they'd been doing to you for a long long time - greatly affects you, especially as a young stat growing up in this sort of industry.

You rarely held any meet and greet, rarely had photos with fans where you look actually comfortable and where they weren't touching your waist or hips or near your ass - and ones where you do look comfortable it was mostly with girls or kids, which was not as often as when you do with the rest; who are pedophiles and creepy boys.

Of course you've always been nice when interacting with them; you didn't want to be rude and only wanted to be kind.

Definitely, there were times when you couldn't take it and couldn't do anything about it - other than cry and complain in your lover's arms.

You're forever thankful to have someone like him; he'd always listen to whatever you say and support everything you do.

Not realising; you zoned out quite a bit and snapped out of it when Bill called out your name with worry that he's trying to mask from everyone.

"Oh-, well, obviously I love them so much, if it weren't for them I wouldn't have succeed this much - of course the people who helped me get up in this industry as well.

I truly do appreciate their love and support, seriously. But quite the number of them are uh, how do I say this." you nervously chuckled as everyone listened intently to the tea you're telling.

"Crossing my boundaries? Yes, uh- that." you say not quite satisfied with the word you chose. It was evident that it's worse than just that but the safest.

"We all know people would cross it by taking unsolicited pictures of you, that's given because you're a celebrity, but are there some other ways they would? If you don't mind me asking of course." Hanna carefully asked.

You smiled softly, "Well a few have stalked me to my house - which I dunno how the hell they did so and took pictures of me and they'd send it to me and tell me how they thought of me. Some leave love letters, flowers, food in front of my gate, sent death threats to my exes when I was dating them and even now to my Bill." you left the worse parts out since you didn't want half of the world to be talking about your most private part of life. What you're even telling them now is a whole lot.

"Wow.. we all knew your fan base could get a bit crazy judging from all the videos we see and the news, but not by this much!" Hanna says empathetically.

"It happens, I guess." you try to laugh it off. However, Bill looked at your hues with his that sent the message of "Are you okay?"

In which yours replied with "I'm not okay."

✮✮✮

The game went on a for it was Pauline's turn to the dunk tank, then Sam's.

You continued your cheery self through the whole taping and told yourself you'll regret what you said later in your dressing room. Bill kept his distance close to you and would caress your hand or shoulder as a sign of support - as well as slipping a "How're you holding up?" every now and then.

If there were billions of ways to show gratitude to this man; you'd do every single one of it to him.

After the agonizing show was over; you and Bill kissed Hanna's cheeks as a goodbye and thank you. To which she said back to you both as well and wished to see you soon.

As you made your way to the dressing room in silence with your fingers intertwined with Bill's; you abruptly stop in your tracks.

"I almost forgot I have to sign a magazine for Pauline!"

Your lover looked confused for a second "What? Why?"

"I kinda promised Pauline I'll just sign a magazine for her brother because she asked me to shout him out while taping." you let a small huff and loosened your grip on your boyfriend's slender hand. "How about I'll see you later in the van? You can wait for me there instead if I haven't been back by five minutes."

Bill smiled, "Of course sweetheart, I'll see you later. Love you." he pecked your lips and lovingly looked into your eyes for a moment before heading to his dressing room.

Quickly; you asked a staff to bring Pauline to your dressing room to give her an autograph - to which they agreed to. Thankfully.

While they did that, you strided to your room and grabbed your magazine and marker - which immediately after doing so, a knock was heard on your door.

You hand held the paper as the other gripped the violet ink marker. When you did, you were greeted by a Pauline smiling widely with a camera on her right hand.

"Hi!" she says excitingly.

You greet back and quickly hugged her, "I see you have a camera with you."

"Oh, yes, uhm.. I was wondering if i can take a video of you signing an autograph? So my brother would believe me that it really is from you." she nervously giggled. "I might or might now have pranked him once by giving him a fake autograph."

"Yeah, sure. What's your brother's name?" you say softly.

"It's Percy." she answers as she readies her camera.

"Alright, is it rolling?" you ask with a smile on your face. Pauline says yes with a grateful smile; grateful for being how considerate and kind you are.

"Hi Paul! So I heard from your sister that you're a fan? Too bad you didn't come with her." you looked behind the camera to Pauline.

"And I heard she gave you a fake autograph of mine? Well now, you're getting a real one, and this is the proof." you say still giggling as you signed the magazine.

"There, and keep the pen. I gotta go now, bye and love you!" you say as you waved goodbye and gave your iconic kiss blow alongside a wink.

Once Pauline returned the camera back to her bag; she immediately thanked you.

"I'm serious - thank you thank you sooo much! And uh.. I'm really sorry if what I asked earlier was too personal. I really am. I was just curious and didn't thoroughly before it slipped my mouth." she noticed the change of the atmosphere long ago. Even if she's just fifteen, she knew how to read the room well.

"Aw, sweetie.. it's nothing." you pat her shoulder, "It's fine I tell ya, also I better get going - you should too, it'll get dark in just two hours. Bye bye and stay safe!" you wave goodbye as she still exclaimed thank you's as she walked backwards towards the exit.

(that footage is definitely gonna go viral after many years)

In a light speed; you gathered your essential belongings and had your personal assistant help you carry your other belongings to the van; to which Bill noticed through the windows that you're carrying back pack and a purse and immediately helped you despite having it under perfect control.

He opened the door for you and let you in first before him and closed the door. Your personal assistant sat in the passenger seat next to the driver, while you and your beloved were at the very back despite the space up front.

You rested your head on his shoulder and he put his above yours while he held your hand with both of his; tracing every outline, massaging it, and kissing it once in a while.

"R'you okay now?" Bill mumbled and kissed your head.

"Yes, hon. I'm great actually.. thanks so much for being there, I love you so much." you turn your head to face his and pecked his lips.

"I love you more than you'll ever know, I'm glad you're okay." he smiled genuinely and kissed you deep and passionate.

You returned to your head's original position and fell to sleep; not caring if tomorrow, you'll be the town's talk.

#tokio hotel #tokio hotel x reader #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz #tom kaulitz #george listing #gustav schäfer #fluff #light angst #tw stalking #sorry

[aylabyu]

A/N: YALL IM BACK IM ALIVE. sorry for the long pause! was busy with school (and star rail....) please enjoy this rather short fic! (◍•ᴗ•◍)♡

"dan, dan heng!"

"ugh! wait for a bit- ah!"

you were bouncing hastily on dan heng's cock for nearly an hour already. poor guy's close to passing out due to cumming three times in a row.

"w-wait! i can't anymore, ah~ ah!"

dan heng bit his lips and blinked rapidly to regain some consciousness from the overwhelming pleasure on his dick.

"can you at least remove the dildo- ugh, agh! ah!♡"

he let out his whorish moans, though he stopped trying to hide them a long time ago, and gripped your waist tight.

"no can do baby, you told me it's my turn today. i'm gonna do what i want and no Aeon will stop me from riding your dick dry!♡"

you moaned shamelessly, feeling the overstimulation too but when you peer down at the charming face beneath you, you feel more energy coursing through your body until everyone in the express heard your coupling.

"b-baby, can we at least take a break then? i, i need to go to the washroom," dan heng pleaded, fondling your sensitive nipples.

"ugh! you-"

as revenge, you clamped down on his raging cock that spurted out some... liquids.

"wait, don't! i might-"

someone whistled behind you, making you accidentally squeeze dan heng and he, in turn, fire his releases. cum and piss.

"ngh! mh- ahh!" you cried out and orgasmed too, shocked by the torrential, hot explosion inside your walls.

"n-nooo! ah, mrgh, agh~" dan heng shot up and put his arms around you so he can have some of his bearings back by biting your neck, not knowing that it'll make your grip tighter and cause his dick to spurt out more cum.

"yooo~ was just passing by when i heard such lovely sounds. room for more?"

"c-caelus! shut the door!" you whipped your head to the guy (after dan heng removed his teeth and was licking his teeth marks) who was now climbing your bed.

"doncha worry, princess. it's already closed. wouldn't want to share this tasty piece before taking a bite first, hm?"

you felt more hands caressing your body, making you shiver and moan alongside dan heng who is still inside you.

"say, if i lift you right now. what will come out first? dan heng's cum or piss?" caelus gripped your waist, putting his palms over dan heng's.

you and dan heng just breathed heavily and waited for the newcomer's next actions.

"let's find out!" without any warning, caelus raised you from dan heng's cock which made him sensitive, thus coming once more. you weren't faring any better, having a mini release when you felt all kinds of liquid come out from your pussy.

"caelus! i was sensitive!" you hit him who is now hugging you and rubbing his clothed dick on your ass.

"aw babe, that hurt! both on my frail body and..." he suddenly leaned close to your ears and whispered, "my miserable dick♡"

you were no stranger to caelus' body, both from him and you saving each other through missions, and in bed where he'll cause you severe body aches the next day after.

("sorry princess, didn't mean to get so rough on you yesterday. you were just so, so cute with that lingerie!♡"

"oh, shut up. get me some breakfast and say to himeko and the others that i feel under the weather."

"since you were under my-"

"caelus i swear to every Aeon out there that i will push you out the express when pom-pom's not watching.")

"princess, do i need to push you down and fuck you on dan heng so you'll just think of us?"

without waiting for your reply, he went with his words and pushed you down on the vulnerable boy.

with the abrupt action, your hole and clit grazed dan heng's wet, and still hard, dick which made the both of you moan and grasp each other.

"the two of you are cute and all, so sensitive, but i'm gonna feel lonely~"

caelus gripped your waist with one hand, and the other pushed two fingers into your asshole.

"you didn't deny me a while ago when i asked you if there's room for more, right? so i'll be taking my fill!"

"ah! caelus, s-slow down! ah, ah!"

the man's fast movements move your body, making you essentially grind on dan heng's dick.

"mgh, mmh, ugh!" dan heng was back to biting his lip to not let caelus hear him. then as for you, you're far too gone so your voice accompanies the sticky, loud sounds coming from caelus' hand and your ass.

"dan heng, sweetie, it's not like i didn't fuck you before. why devoid me of the pleasure in hearing your whimpers?"

your head shot up and looked at the blushing man, "woah, that's true? wait, why did i still ask? my baby is so slutty so it is expected!"

you grinned cheekily when you unexpectedly felt dan heng grip your waist too.

"caelus."

"hm?~"

"drive her to madness with her asshole, then fuck her pussy after next to my dick."

you struggled when you heard dan heng's words but his hands pin you to their heated bodies.

"oh~ such a tempting invitation! of course~"

caelus' fingers suddenly went out your ass, but then you felt a much larger, heavy mass resting on your asscheeks.

"but, why just her pussy? i'm sure you can fit in her ass too, dan heng," caelus slides his dick up and down while smiling down at the presently smirking man.

"oh~" he copied caelus' exclamation, making you shudder when you heard his husky voice, "i think that's a great idea. if my baby says i'm slutty, then she's the same too, right?" he licked your nipple and bit down on it while positioning his dick on your currently, but not for long, close hole.

"it's gonna get crowded in this cute hole!~"

oh shit, no walking for a week then.

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail smut #honkai star rail dan heng #honkai star rail dan heng smut #honkai star rail caelus #honkai star rail caelus smut

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

#sarahposts #writing advice #writing tips #homestuck #godfeels #zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance #robert pirsig #metaphysics #writer's block #creative block #art block

[atlabeth]

everything happens for a reason part 17 - zuko x fem!reader

And maybe I don't quite know what to say

part 16 | masterlist | part 18

a/n: finally getting into zuko's redemption arc as well as reuniting yn with sokka!! im so happy bc i really missed writing her with him, their relationship is so special to me. writing 3 chapters straight of prison feels kinda brings the mood down lol so at least its coming back up w/ suki and sokka

this was all gonna be one chapter but it started getting way too long so im splitting it in two. next chapter is their escape from the boiling rock baby !

wc: 6.5k

warning(s): some more angst but a fair amount of fluff as well (yn and sokka reunion!!<3) but mostly angst tbh. yn is very mad at zuko as she should be and sokka kinda gives it to him as well

chapter title comes from 'this is me trying' by taylor swift

“I can’t believe they’re keeping us inside all week,” Suki muttered, dragging the mop across the floor with more irritation than usual. “The only bearable part of this place, and they just take it away.” 

“The warden certainly knows how to keep his prisoners miserable,” Y/N said, wiping at a stubborn patch of grease on the side of the wall with a wet cloth. 

It had been a few weeks since Y/N had found her new home in the loveliest place in all the Fire Nation, and she was beginning to accept her situation. After what Suki pulled, defending her in front of their entire block, no one had messed with her since. And having Suki by her side in the first place, it made being stuck in the Boiling Rock a lot more bearable. They practically became attached at the hip — they were lucky enough to be in the same block in the first place, so during courtyard time, mandated chores, and any other time they weren’t confined to their cells, Y/N and Suki were always together.

It made a world of difference, having someone like Suki by her side after being on her own for so long. They talked constantly, Suki telling her what it was like to grow up on Kyoshi Island and her subsequent journey as a Kyoshi Warrior, and Y/N revealing the story of her upbringing to somebody else in full for the first time. It was the number one source of her shame, the amount of pain and suffering she’d caused both herself and her mother by trusting Zuko, but Suki offered nothing but support. 

One thing, at least, had become clear: they may have gotten into this separately, but they were going to get out of it together. 

“I mean, it’s the middle of the summer!” Suki complained, taking her out of her thoughts. “It’s hot outside, but it’s even worse in here. I would kill for some windows.” 

Y/N’s eyes suddenly widened, and she looked at Suki. “The middle of the summer— I think I know why we’re stuck inside.”

She frowned. “Why?”  

“When I was still with Aang and the rest of the group, we visited this secret underground library with all the knowledge you could ever want. Sokka discovered a Fire Nation secret, some kind of eclipse where all firebending is useless for a short period. It’s called the Day of Black Sun, and,” she lowered her voice, “we were going to invade the Fire Nation that day so Aang could take out the Fire Lord. I think the reason we’re stuck in here is because the eclipse is coming up. It’ll be easier to keep everything together inside than outside, especially if a riot breaks out.”

Suki huffed a laugh as she shook her head. “We’re guarded by a bunch of cowards, then. Can they really be the ‘greatest prison in the Fire Nation’ if they can’t do their job without bending?” 

Y/N managed to stifle her laugh just as a guard walked past them, and she ducked her head as she quickly returned to cleaning the walls. 

“Is something funny, girl?” His voice was gruff and demanding, but while it would’ve made her cower in her shell when she first arrived here, she had since become skilled in the art of keeping her head low. 

“Not at all, sir,” she said, “I apologize for the delay.” 

He stared at her for a moment before huffing in approval and walking away, and Suki just rolled her eyes. 

“I can’t wait until we’re out of here and we don’t have to grovel at their feet anymore.” She shoved her mop back into the bucket of water and sighed. “Just one good punch to the face of every guard in here before we get out, and I think I’d be satisfied.” 

Y/N grinned. “Throw one in there for me and you’ve got a deal.” 

“I think I can manage that,” Suki said, smiling as she played along. 

She laughed again, the mischievous twinkle in Suki’s eye lightening up the atmosphere effortlessly. 

“About this comet though,” Suki said, her expression turning slightly thoughtful, “you’re telling me Sokka’s the one who discovered all of it?” 

Y/N smiled knowingly as she turned away from the wall. “Yeah. You should’ve seen him in action, Suki — the whole library was about to collapse underground, a whole “we’re doomed” situation with no way to get both the information we went there for and get out alive. But then Sokka just jumps into action, he figures out when the eclipse is, and we manage to make it out by the skin of our teeth. If it wasn’t for Sokka, I think we would’ve died about… twenty times before I even had the chance to get here.” She elbowed Suki playfully. “He’s pretty smart, right?” 

The pink flush to her cheeks faded as Suki turned away, a sheepish smile of her own blooming. “We can talk about that later. What I’m curious about is this: if all the guards don’t have their firebending for a period of time, doesn’t that mean it would be the best time to escape this place?” 

“Theoretically, but it would never actually work.” She dipped the rag back into the bucket of water and continued scrubbing at the walls. “We’d never be able to get off the island; the gondola’s the only way out, and we’d be spotted immediately.” 

Suki hummed, but Y/N noticed the gleam in her eye. “What are you thinking about?” she asked. 

“I’m thinking about an escape route.

Y/N raised her eyebrows. “You’re thinking of an escape route out of the inescapable prison?” 

“Obviously.” She turned to Y/N with a smile. “I don’t know how, and it won’t happen this week, but we’re gonna get off of this damn rock. And we’re gonna do it together.” 

Suki’s words, somehow still earnest despite everything they’d been through, brought out a smile of her own. “You really think?” 

“I know,” she clarified, and she took Y/N’s hand in her own and squeezed hard. “The Fire Nation only got us in our weakest moments. But with the two of us, working together? They won’t know what hit ‘em.” 

Y/N bit her lip to hold back her growing amusement, and she nodded as she squeezed back. “Damn right.” 

-

“Zuko?” 

What had started as his attempt at an introduction quickly went south, and his eyes widened as he held up his hands and took a step backwards. It only took a second for the Avatar and his friends to get into their attack stances, and he gulped. He’d been on the other end of their wrath far too many times to underestimate them.

“I promise, I don’t want any trouble.” 

“Then you made a mistake coming here,” Katara retorted, water hovering just above her hands. “What, did you decide you wanted a rematch? I’m happy to help.” 

“No!” he exclaimed, taking another step back. Spirits— she was younger than him, how was she so scary? “No, I’m not here to hurt any of you!” 

“That’s what you said last time,” she scoffed. “Y’know, before you tried to kill us all?” 

“What are you doing here, Zuko?” Aang asked. “How did you even find us?” 

“I know it has to be a surprise—” 

“Not really,” Sokka muttered. 

“—to see me here,” Zuko finished, trying not to let the interruption bother him, “but I swear, it’s for a good reason! I’m— I’m good now, and I think you should let me join your group. I left the Fire Nation, and I’m good now, and I can also teach firebending,” he looked at Aang, “to you.” 

Aang’s eyes widened slightly at the consideration but Katara just laughed mirthlessly. “Do you honestly think any of us are stupid to trust you after all you’ve done? We’ll always have another option than you, Zuko. We’ll never be that desperate.” 

“Where’s your firebending teacher then?” he asked. “If you have other options, then fine. But I don’t think you have any.” 

Katara set her jaw. “We’ll find someone. Anyone but you.” 

Aang looked at him for a good, long moment, and Zuko actually grew hopeful for a second, but it was all dashed when he glanced away and shook his head. “There’s no way we can trust you after all you’ve done. You should leave.” 

Zuko visibly deflated at Aang’s words. “At least… tell Y/N that I was here. I need her to know I’ve changed.” 

The mood noticeably changed at the mention of her, the steeliness to Katara’s eyes and the slight clench of Sokka’s fists the most obvious. They were angry at him, and rightfully so, for what he’d done to her. If only they knew how much turmoil Zuko had gone through over it all. 

“She’s not here,” Katara spat. “I figured you would know that, seeing as you’re the one that got her thrown in jail.” 

His eyes widened. “What?” 

“Are you deaf?” He looked down when he heard the aggressive voice, and was shocked to see it coming from such a small girl. Toph, if he remembered correctly. “She’s not here, and it’s your fault. You should know better than any of us, seeing as she’s still in the Fire Nation.” 

“If you cared so much, you should’ve broken her out,” Sokka said bitterly. 

“I— I tried,” Zuko insisted, and he was quickly realizing how hard it was going to be to get these people to trust him. “Believe me, I tried to get her out, but when I went to her cell she wasn’t there. 

It was somehow still possible as Katara’s glare turned even sharper, and when she took a step forward, he moved back on instinct. “What do you mean, she wasn’t there?”

“She wasn’t there,” he repeated, his eyes slightly wide as he held up his hands. “I— I asked a guard, and he said she was transferred to another prison by my sister, but I haven’t been able to find out where.”

“You know what the Fire Nation does to powerful benders.” Katara’s voice wavered, her blue eyes glimmering with tears. ”How could you let them take her?”

“I tried—” he started, but he didn’t get far.

“You didn’t try at all!” Katara shouted, her voice finally breaking as her hands clenched into fists at her side. “You are the one who did this to her! You are the one who did this to her because she refused to give up on you, and now she could be— she could be dead!”

Katara took a step back as her chest rose and fall with shaky breaths, and the glare she pinned him with was truly murderous. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave and never come back.”

She wiped at the tears streaming down her face and stormed off in the opposite direction, leaving Zuko standing there speechless, unable to do anything but stare with wide eyes.

“Katara!” Aang instantly ran off after her, and Toph took over. 

“You heard her,” she said, her blank gaze not meeting his eyes but somehow able to carry the same steeliness in her tone as Katara. “Leave.”

And as she went off after Aang and Katara, Zuko was left with him and a tension that could be cut with a knife.

“I never wanted this to happen,” Zuko whispered.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sokka said coldly. “It still did.”

And he was right. 

-

It was… strange, to say the least. Being here, with the Avatar and his friends.  

Zuko had only managed to earn himself a spot in the group by near death bravery, but even his fight against the assassin was barely enough to secure it, what with how effortlessly Zuko was able to do the wrong thing in every single situation. 

Telling them he sent the assassin after them in the first place, burning Toph’s feet, offering himself up as a prisoner, even just standing too close to Katara— he was constantly on thin ice with all of them, but especially her. Sokka was a frontrunner as well, but it wasn’t really a surprise. He remembered the way Y/N had spoken about them, how close they were — they had every right to hate him, but it still hurt. All he could do was hope to repair it. 

And he was trying his hardest to do so. He regained his bending with Aang and the two of them came back stronger than ever in terms of firebending. Toph never really had a grudge against him — even though she ragged on him as much as he deserved for burning her feet — so she was mostly fine with him, and he gave Katara her space. He was going to fix that situation, but after the way she threatened him, Zuko figured a lot of time was needed before he even tried. 

As far as Sokka, he didn’t know where he stood with the Water Tribe boy. He knew it would take some time, but what he didn’t know was that this was where he was going to end up not even a day after Sokka asked him about Fire Nation prisons. 

“Pretty clouds,” Sokka observed. 

On a war balloon. Alone, with only Sokka for company, and a deadly mission ahead of them. 

“Yeah… fluffy.” 

…It was certainly his most interesting vacation.

Zuko’s head jerked up when Sokka murmured something and his brows creased. “What?” 

Sokka glanced up at him, that iciness back once again. “You know this doesn’t mean I like you now.” 

“Yeah,” he said. “I… I figured.” 

“I’m just doing this with you because you wouldn’t leave me alone and I needed your war balloon.” He crossed his arms and set his jaw. “I haven’t forgiven you for anything that you’ve done.” 

“I know,” Zuko sighed, and for a moment the only thing that filled the air was the sound of his firebending. “At least I can help with this.” 

“I know how to work a war balloon,” Sokka said, and he rapped his knuckles against the side of the wood. “My friend designed these things. I would’ve figured out how to make the fire if you weren’t here.” 

Zuko raised his eyebrows, trying to lighten the mood a bit. “No kidding. One of your friends designed these war balloons?” 

Sokka looked up at him, his gaze calculating as if he was trying to gauge the truth of his interest. 

“Yeah,” he said eventually. “I helped him polish it up, figure out how to control the hot air. It’s just a balloon, but for war.” 

“Well, If there’s one thing my dad’s good at, it’s war,” Zuko muttered.  

“Yeah, it seems to run in the family.”

Zuko frowned and his tone turned defensive. “Hey, hold on. Not everyone in my family is like that.” 

“I know, I know.” Sokka gestured with his hand. “You’ve changed.” 

“I meant my uncle,” Zuko said. “He was more of a father to me, and I really let him down.” 

“Well… I think your uncle would be proud of you.” Sokka crossed his arms yet again and he looked out at the sky, not wanting to meet Zuko’s eyes as he actually said something nice.  “Leaving your home to come help us? That’s hard.” 

“It wasn’t that hard.” 

“Really? You didn’t leave anyone behind you cared about?”

Zuko shrugged. “There was one girl, Mai. We were dating, but… it felt more like something forged out of expectations rather than love. It felt like we were putting on a front for the approval of our parents rather than being together for ourselves. I still care about her as a friend, though. Enough that I didn’t want to get her caught up in this mess.” 

“And…” he swallowed the lump in his throat as his expression turned downcast. “There was Y/N. She was— she still is— the only girl I’ve ever loved, the way I love her. Ever since I was a child. But I ruined anything we could’ve possibly had together, and now… now, I have no idea where she is, and wherever she is, she hates me.” 

Sokka hummed. “She has every right to.” 

Zuko glared at him. “You’re really not good at this making people feel better thing.” 

“I’m not trying to make you feel better,” he said. “I know you’re trying to become a good guy or whatever, but you deserve to feel bad for what you did. For a pretty long time, too.” 

Zuko braced his hand against his forehead as he turned away. “I know. I just can’t stop thinking about her— about how I treated her, and that the last thing I said to her was that…” 

He trailed off, and Sokka raised his eyebrows. “What?” 

Zuko sighed again and let his hands hang off the side of the boat. “I said that I never loved her.”

“Tui’s gills, man!” Sokka exclaimed. “Yeah, of course she’s gonna hate you for saying something like that. Geez, you go all in when you’re upset, huh?” 

“I didn’t mean it!” Zuko defended as he whirled around. “I— I was just angry at everything, and I wanted to forget her, and I thought that if I said it then it would become true and I would finally be able to move on. But,” he heaved a weary sigh as he sat down, his gaze downcast, “I don’t want to move on. I just want to see her again and apologize for everything. I don’t know if it’ll ever be enough, but I have to try.”

The silence weighed heavily between them yet again, with Zuko staring at the ground and Sokka’s gaze softening ever so slightly as he looked at him. 

“I think you still have a chance,” he said, and Zuko’s eyes widened slightly.

“What?”

“I think you still have a chance,” he repeated. “As much as I hate to say it, Y/N cared about you. A lot. Like, she talked about you constantly when we were all together, a lot. It was honestly kind of annoying.”

“So what’s your point?” he grumbled. 

Sokka sighed. “My point is that you two had a bond— the kind of bond where she risked everything just because of how she felt about you. That kind of bond… it doesn’t just go away.”

“Do you think she’ll even care?” Zuko asked. “After all I’ve done, how can you know she’ll even want to listen to me? How do you know I haven’t completely lost her?”

Sokka was quiet for a moment before he asked a single question. “Do you still love her?”

Zuko answered without hesitation. “With all my heart.”

“Then there’s still time. You haven’t lost her yet.”

He gave him a rare smile and nodded. “Thanks, Sokka. That actually helped.”

He shrugged and looked away. “I mean, it could always be worse. My first girlfriend turned into the moon.”

“…That’s rough, buddy.”

-

Their mission was going about as well as one would think. They had crashed their war balloon leaving them with no way out, nearly gotten discovered seconds after stealing uniforms, and got caught up in a fight in the courtyard, but in the scheme of things they were still on track. 

After dropping off a prisoner they had reunited on one of the balconies overlooking the courtyard, where Sokka was diligently scanning the entire field for any sign of his father. 

“Sokka,” Zuko whispered, managing to grab his attention. “Listen, I asked around the lounge, and they said that there’s one Water Tribe prisoner here — a waterbender transferred here personally by my sister. Does that sound like it could be your dad?” 

He shook his head anxiously. “No, my dad’s not a waterbender. Are— are you sure that’s the only one? Did you double-check?”

“Yeah,” Zuko confirmed. “I’m sure.”

“No,” Sokka muttered, turning away dejectedly. He banged his fists against the wall out of anger. “No! We came all this way for nothing. I failed again.” 

“Um, what would Uncle say?” Zuko thought aloud as he stroked his chin. “Sometimes, clouds have two sides; a dark and a light, and a silver lining in between. So… when life seems hard, take a bite out of the silver sandwich!” 

Sokka looked wholly disinterested during his whole monologue, but when he directed his gaze back to the courtyard he gasped, his grip tightening on the railing. “Maybe we haven’t failed after all.” 

“That’s the spirit!” Zuko grinned. “I can’t believe that worked; I didn’t even know what I was saying.” 

“No, what you said made no sense at all— but look!”

Zuko craned his head to see where Sokka was pointing and his eyes widened when he saw what was talking about it.

It was her.

Standing slightly off to the side idly chatting with another girl, a little worse for wear with a black eye, but alive. 

“She’s here,” Zuko muttered, equal parts awestruck, relieved, and terrified.

“Y/N is the waterbender you heard about! And do you see who she’s with?” Sokka questioned excitedly. “She’s with Suki! Our girls are here, Zuko. They’re okay!”

As Sokka started to spout off his plan, Zuko listened dimly, unable to take his eyes off of Y/N. 

Her eye looked like it was healing, but he gauged that at its initial stage it was something nasty. Seeing her in the red prison jumpsuit was strange — he wondered why she had been transferred here instead of somewhere more resistant to waterbenders, but he pushed logic aside and allowed himself to revel in the temporary relief. 

She was here, and she was alive.

Zuko could only hope she was willing to try again with him. 

-

Y/N heaved another sigh as she rolled onto her back, unable to get comfortable on the slab she called a bed. It was near impossible to fall asleep without the familiar presence of her friends; the soft sounds of their breaths, just the knowledge that they were there with her, was something sorely missed during her prison days. It didn’t help that her cell had been modified to constantly be pumping in dry air so she couldn’t bend — it was a constant reminder of what she lacked, but she suspected it was just in case it magically came back.

Princess Azula truly despised her. 

She sat up and rubbed her eyes, resigning herself to the fact that sleep wasn’t going to come, when her cell door was pushed open. As a guard stepped in, every one of her senses flared up in alert and she immediately darted up from her bed. This couldn’t be anything good.

“I didn’t do anything,” Y/N declared immediately, her voice carrying a bitter edge. She angled herself in such a way that if he did try something, she would hold the advantage. “Nothing that Pao says is ever true, and if you lay a hand on me—”

“What? No, I—“ He paused, and she swore she knew his voice. “Y/N, it’s me!” The guard took off his mask, and she felt her heart stop.

“Zuko?” She hated the way his appearance sent that familiar flutter through her chest but she forced her feelings down, instead focusing on the venom coursing through her veins.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Zuko winced at her harsh tone, his momentarily smile gone as quickly as it appeared. “Spirits, I can’t even get away from you in prison— what, did you come here to gloat?”

“No!” he exclaimed, raising his hands in an effort at placation. “Why would I do that?”

“Oh, I don’t know!” By now she was yelling, unable to contain her rage. “I guess anything is possible with the guy who completely betrayed me!”

“Y/N, quiet down!” he cautioned, casting an instinctive glance to the door. “Someone is going to hear you!”

“Oh?” By now her eyes were blazing, and she raised her arms up as if to challenge him. “Well, maybe I should just get even louder! Think everyone can hear me yet?”

“What are you doing?!” Zuko hissed, heat beginning to emanate off of him as his eyes darted back to the door once more. 

“GUAR—“ she began to shout but Zuko lunged forward and clamped his hand over her mouth, an action that confused her into cooperation. 

“We’re here to get you out!” he whispered frantically. “Now will you please calm down?”

The fire in her eyes died down slightly but she still batted his hand away and stood a step back. “‘We’?”

“Sokka and I.”

“You brought Sokka here?” she accused before mentally backing up. “Wait, how are you even with Sokka in the first place?”

“No— spirits, could you let me explain before you get on my case?” He took her silence as a sign to continue. “I left the Fire Nation, and Aang accepted me as his firebending teacher. Sokka thinks his dad is in here because he got captured during the invasion, so he wanted to come here to try and break him out. I came with him because I didn’t want him going on a suicide mission. We haven’t been able to find him, but we did find you and Suki. Sokka’s guarding the door right now while we talk, then we’re gonna find her and talk her through the plan as well.” 

“If Sokka’s out there, why am I not talking to him?” She crossed her arms and Zuko sighed, averting eye contact. 

“Because I wanted to talk to you,” he admitted quietly. “Y/N, no amount of apologies will be able to get across how sorry I am for what I did to you. There are so many horrible things that I’ve done, but I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you. I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to you. I—” he swallowed the lump in his throat, “I still love you. I never stopped loving you. And I’m so, so sorry that I ever made you think differently.”  

Her fingers unconsciously found their way to the small scar on her forearm and her gaze turned downcast. 

How long had she waited to hear those words from him? How many times, on her journey through the Earth Kingdom to the Northern Tribe, had she imagined him saying those words to her? Spirits, at some of her lowest points, the thought of seeing him again, the thought of hearing those words, was the only thing that got her up and moving again. 

And here she was, four years later. Zuko standing in front of her, baring his heart for the first time since they were children. Saying that he loved her, that he had always loved her. 

But despite his earnesty, Y/N could only think of what happened in the catacombs. What happened in the Fire Nation.

Why she was here in the first place. The things he said to her. 

Y/N swallowed thickly as she took a step back, her arms wrapping tightly around her midsection. “Send Sokka in right now, or I will call the guards.” Her voice had lost all the fierceness it possessed moments ago, her words instead carved in a cold, unforgiving anger. 

“Y/N—”

“Now.” 

With one last desperate glance back at her, Zuko obeyed her wishes, closing the door quietly behind him where he met a concerned Sokka.

“That didn’t sound like it went well.” 

Zuko shook his head, his attempt at stoicism failing as he took his place at the wall. “She won’t listen to me. She wants to talk to you, but we have to make it quick so we can make it to Suki before we get caught.” 

Sokka swallowed and nodded, trying to prepare himself to go in. He was overjoyed that she was alive within their reach, obviously, but he had a feeling it would hurt a lot more to see what the past couple months at the mercy of the Fire Nation had done to her. 

“It’s okay,” Zuko murmured, noticing his apprehension. “She’ll be happy to see you. I know it.”

Sokka nodded once more, and before he could question himself he pushed open the cell door and walked in. 

Her eyes flicked up from the ground, her arms falling from their protective positions as a relieved smile tugged at her lips. 

“You really are here,” he whispered, his voice a mix of disbelief and pure happiness. “You’re—” 

He wasn’t granted the chance to finish his sentence as she tore across the room and enveloped him in the tightest hug possible. Though it got a grunt out of Sokka, he immediately reciprocated, wrapping his arms around her with the same vigor. 

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” she whispered, tears brimming in her eyes. “But this is the stupidest thing that you have ever done.” 

Sokka laughed as he squeezed her tighter, and she had almost forgotten how much she missed that dumb little laugh after every bad joke he made, and the way that he always hugged her a little too tight. 

(She didn’t think that would be a problem anymore — Sokka’s hugs always felt like a safety blanket, but now she felt like she could cry with how needed that comfort was. She was pretty sure she would annoy him, hugging him over every little thing, just to make sure she never forgot that feeling.) 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he muttered, taking a step back to look over her with concerned eyes. “Are you okay? What happened to your eye?” 

“Neither can I,” she chuckled mirthlessly. “I’m as good as I can be, I guess. Still alive, which is all I can really ask for here.” She gestured to her eye lazily and sighed. “Let’s just say that people here don’t take too kindly to outsiders, especially when they work with the Avatar.” 

“I’m so sorry that this happened to you,” Sokka said quietly. “I— I wish that I had been down there that night. Maybe you wouldn’t have gotten caught up in this whole mess.” 

“It’s not your fault, Sokka. You can’t blame yourself for something you weren’t involved in.” She smiled weakly. “And besides, I’m still here. I’m okay.” 

“Of course you are.” Sokka’s hands hovered over her shoulders, like he didn’t know how fragile she was. Like if he even looked at her the wrong way, she would break like glass. “The Fire Nation’s never been able to take you down.” 

“I mean… I am in an inescapable Fire Nation prison. I think they got me there,” she said dryly. 

Sokka snapped his fingers and took a step back. “Right! Except it’s not inescapable, because we’re gonna bust you out of here..” 

“You— you are?” she asked, surprised. “How long have you been here?” 

He shrugged. “Half a day, give or take.” 

And for some reason, that was the thing that got her. Her eyes filled with tears and she pulled him back into a hug so tight she was sure he couldn’t breathe, but right now Y/N didn’t really care. 

“I missed you so much,” she whispered, a watery laugh breaking through. 

“I missed you too,” he said back, just as softly, and she didn’t even have to look at him to know he was on the brink of tears as well. “Azula— she used you against me. I thought you were dead, Y/N. I don’t know what I would’ve done if she… if it was true.”

She frowned as she pulled away. “She used— what do you mean?” 

Sokka swallowed thickly. “She said you were a prisoner. That— that you were tortured, and through it all you called out my name. Like I should’ve been there, and— and I should have. I should have been there to protect you, but I wasn’t, and now you’ve been through all of this…” 

Sokka shook his head again. “I am so sorry, Y/N. I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”  

She smiled and laughed, a bit breathless. “No complaints here.” 

“But I have been wondering,” Sokka said suddenly, “why did Azula put you here? It’s either really cocky or really stupid to put a waterbender in a prison surrounded by water, no matter how many guards there are. Have you tried to escape yourself?” 

Y/N’s expression sobered and she turned away a bit. Her bending was still the sorest of subjects — every day, when she would be out in the courtyard, she would feel even more useless about not being able to do anything but stare out at the water. 

“It’s… it’s gone.” She saw Sokka’s eyes widen out of her peripherals and she wrapped her arms around her midsection. “My bending is gone, and Azula put me here as one last way to rub salt in the wound that keeps growing.” 

“What?” There was real concern in both his gaze and his voice, but Y/N couldn’t even stand to look at him. Not when she was incapable of even the most basic things. “Your bending— it’s gone?” 

“I don’t know,” she said with a mirthless chuckle. “I— I don’t know. It happened after I was imprisoned in the Fire Nation— maybe it’s because I’m so weak, or maybe it’s because I haven’t practiced it in so long, or maybe it’s a million other things, but all I do know is that I can’t bend anything. So I can’t help you with that.” 

“Y/N.” Sokka reached for her hand and she let him take it, a comforting warmth in it. “Zuko… he lost his bending when he first joined us. I know you don’t want anything to do with him, but maybe he could help you get it back.”

She scoffed as she pulled her hand away. “Sokka, I’d rather lose my bending forever than work with him. I don’t want to be around him— not after what he did.” 

He sighed and gave her a look that could only be described as brotherly, the same one he gave Katara whenever she wanted to do something stupid. 

“You’re hurting, Y/N, I know. And— and you’re allowed to be angry, and to hate Zuko, and to want absolutely nothing to do with him, but I won’t let you hurt yourself because of it.” At her silence, Sokka continued. “You need to get out of here, and you need to get your bending back. You’re gonna have to work with Zuko to do both of those things, and then you can go back to hating him. But just— hold out for a few more days.” 

“He burned me in the catacombs,” Y/N whispered, and she held out her arm for him to see the scar from the attack. “He burned me just to get the upper hand, just like he did in the Earth Kingdom. I’m in here because of him. I’ve never mattered to him, not if he could just throw me away like this. So why should I give him even a second of my time?” 

“Because hurting yourself will do nothing for you,” he said decisively. “If you want to get back at Zuko, then you have to get out of here first. And as much as I hate to say it…” Sokka sighed and shook his head, “my plan won’t work without him. So let him help me get you and Suki out of here, figure out a way to get your bending back, and then you can bring down all your fury on him.” 

She glanced away, her gaze pointed towards the floor for a good long moment before she finally spoke. 

“You really have a way to get out of here?” 

Sokka nodded. “I just need maybe a little longer to work out the kinks, but it’ll be solid. It’ll get us all out of here; the two of us and you and Suki.” 

Y/N sighed and looked back at Sokka. “Okay. I’ll work with him to get out of here, but nothing more.” 

“I’m not asking you for anything more,” Sokka said. But then he smiled, and he chuckled a bit. “It’s so good to see you again. It’s… it’s been hard without you.” 

She frowned. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It’s really taken a toll on Katara. She blames herself for what happened because she was down in the catacombs with you.” His voice got quieter. “We both do.” 

“It’s not either of your faults,” she said. “It’s the Fire Nation’s fault. It’s Zuko’s fault.” 

“I’m just glad we found you,” he said. “You and Suki.” Sokka smiled a bit. “Has she been keeping you on track?” 

Y/N laughed. “I’d say so. She’s the reason this,” she pointed at her eye, “isn’t a whole lot worse. I owe a lot to her.” 

“We’re gonna get you both out of here,” he said again. “And as much as I don’t want to leave—” 

“You have to,” she nodded. “Go talk to her. I’ll be okay. I don’t really have anywhere else to go.” 

Sokka chuckled again and nodded. “I know.” 

He pulled Y/N into one last hug before he left, and she caught a glimpse of Zuko on the other side as Sokka closed the door softly behind himself. 

Her cell felt a lot quieter, lonelier, colder without Sokka. She knew he would be coming back, but she missed him already. She’d always hated being alone, but it hurt more now than ever before. 

But it gave her the chance to let her walls down. She collapsed onto her bed as the tears quietly wracked her body, forcing herself to stay silent as they trailed down her face. It was one thing to be heard yelling, it was another thing to be seen showing this much weakness. 

Weeks, months of pent up emotions began to show themselves, greedy after finally being granted an outlet. Seeing Sokka on its own was emotional enough, but Zuko was a whole different situation. 

Y/N thought that finally getting to yell at him would’ve made her feel better in some way, but it only succeeded in making it all worse. She didn’t feel happy, cleansed, righteous. 

She felt nothing. 

The hours blended together until the wells in her eyes ran dry, and somewhere along the path she managed to fall into a restless sleep. Some part of her was angry that he hadn’t fought back the way she did, that he hadn’t yelled back — she wanted something physical to hold against him, something to make it easier to hate him than the abstract betrayal. Maybe that was stupid. It was even more stupid of him to think he had any chance of a civil conversation with her after what he did. 

Maybe she would have to work with him to get out of this place, band together under a temporary truce in order to officially cleanse herself of the prisoner brand. She could put herself through that if the reward at the end of it all was getting her life back. 

But not anything more. 

Y/N had vowed to never let Zuko in again. 

And she never broke her vows. 

-

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77 @simonsbluee @kwyloz @masteroperator

ehfar tags: @chandies-sideblog @zacatecanaaaa @anzanity @randomthingssss @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @shanksfav @shephard17895 @ilovespideyyy @carisi-sonny @selfship-mishaps @ilistentotayswifttocope @i-make-questionable-choices @3leni @thatobsessedreader @lostgreekgod @oriontingz @zerode-unhinged @badpvn @mimi-sanisanidiot @adhdhufflepuff @aquaamethyst96 @hollyismentallyillhelp @holypoetrygarden @islandgayneery

#zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko x reader fic #zuko #zuko fic #avatar #avatar the last airbender #atla #avatar fic #atla fic #avatar the last airbender fic #atla x reader #avatar x reader #sadie writes #ehfar

[panie-wanie-dean-bean]

Thank u so much for the lore answer, I love the cotton candy sweetness of fluff but ima lil drunk right now, so i wanted to share a f-ed up question if that's okay, (you'r free to not answer if not,) but since Bo is so determined to like not fuck upnot be sent back n stuff what kind of stuff would he avoid doing around MC 4hat he used to do around his previous masters?

and like, if its related or not, i had this headcanon that im glad u gave some bo backstory for bc where it was like, wat would happen if he accidentally caused a accident with all his adorbs puppy energy, like he's playing tag with Jack or somethin and with Bos megahuge beach boy buff arms just knocks MC down the flight of their fancy imported italian marble stairs edged with silver (they say this as they're fallin down btw 'ah! Im falling down my fancy imported italian marblestairshks Im stupid)

but anyway yea they break something or get like super injured or something and ofc the ambulance has to be called and they're taken ro the hospital to stay for awhile, which sucks bc like ofc society looks down on hybrids so everyone is side eyeing this adorable zoo mansion bc they're lame and 1 brain celled and like "thats wat happens when u have a house full of wild animals they should be put down if u ask me" and MCs attitude is like a grim but professional "if i had both my arms Id beat ur ass bitch, wats ur @? Soon as this morphine drip is done its over for u hoes" but like they probably have a cast or somethin . Anyway MC's worried about the boys, and me the OP is worried about Bo bc like Trauma city would hit his brain harrd, and i dont even know if the other guys would be so forgiving and stuff bc i mean they Should they're a family, but that was two(2) flights of imported italian marble dude, fuck, why play football tag,, in the house?? And idk i just felt bad bc jack n Bo esp probably would feel double bad even tho MC loves him so much he's just a hyper guy, he cant help his zoomzooms, i dont/cant fathom wat he and the boys would do in this situation probably pack his one thing (an old mc shoe) ina rucksack n try to run away miserably or maybe 24/7 at the hospitsl despite all the nasty looks and comments bc they're hybrids or magbe even hiding away bc he absolutely believes that mc will send him away once they lock eyes again, but regardless of either of those things, if MC has to roll up to the house in that (yknow that spongebob character guy who was born with glass bones and paper skin ass Giant ass full body cast on rollers??) To go find that boy and over the grand table firmly tell them not to harbor any horrible thoughts about themselves or each other, bc it was an accident and about lovin them unconditionally and being a family, i might cry or somethinf, the table is also imported italian maple btw MC-s parents had a thing i think they fucked an italian architect guy, or somethin anyway i luv u, im gonna eat a burrito so let me know if u want any thing from the kitchen luv u

Lemme know if tuis text is broken up enough bc i skimmed over it and i was like this is like the stat wars openin or some shit i put gaps in

🖤

First of all, sweety, for me, take a sip or two of water, ok? And make sure you sleep on your side if you're still drunk by then, forehead kisses all around

Anyways, Bo would just mask everything that brings him joy by the time you adopt him. No bouncing, no stimming in general, no talking unless asked, no indulging in his hyperfixations or special interests, he even tries to limit his tail wagging. He's come to correlate his own joy with bad behavior so he's just straight up not him when you first meet him

Holy shit, this is good, but fuck man. Bo wouldn't know what to do with himself. Once the ambulance takes you away he thinks you died. He's in full shutdown, no talking, no eating, no moving off your bed and your scent

Jack would also be distraught, both because he was playing with Bo and because he cleans those stairs so often they're just a little more slippery from how clean they are. He stays with Bo most days, Rory coming in with meals to make sure they don't starve in there. Jack eats a little. Bo doesn't

Rory feels bad for Jack and Bo, he knows they didn't mean it and trusts Jack's recount of events. Nick keeps himself busy by visiting you in the hospital, Shaun wants to go too but since cat's are a popular allergen he's not allowed in unless he needs care. Ian goes as often as he can so he doesn't have enough time to plot Bo's death. Jean and Berry are pissed and openly talk about kicking Bo out. They know better than to talk about Jack like that with Rory around. Joseph is stuck as peace maker until you get back, making sure that no fights break out and they Jean doesn't poisons Bo's food with onions, not that he'd eat it anyhow

When you finally get home and tell everyone that you forgive Bo seeing as it was an accident Bo finally lets everything hit him and cries. He's on his best behavior the months following, you'll have to reteach him to drop his "good boy" mask and be himself

#🖤 anon #whispers of an angry god #hybrid au #sdj Jack #sdj Rory #sdj Jean #sdj Joseph #sdj Bo #sdj Nick #sdj Shaun #sdj Ian #sdj Barry

[fratboykate]

Papi, I didn't know about PVRIS and Lynn before you started talking about them yesterday and now I'm obsessed. Maybe I'm behind on queer artists. Can you give us a few more to check out?

SAY LESSSSSSSSSS you know i live for this shit and queer music during pride month? lets goooo. ill give you five wlw artists that i think are criminally underrated. id be hard pressed to pick a fave out of all of these because i genuinely think they all make EXCELLENT music but...

...probably THE ACES have it by a HAIR. i just love them. queer women, LATINA LEAD SINGER! (and her sister is in the band too), alt-indie/pop-rock dreamy vibes. andddd you're in luck because they just released a new album literally in the last week. between them and pvris we're gonna have a gay soundtrack this summer. i think if you made me pick like the 500 fave songs of my life the aces would have a few in there all over the rankings but "daydream" would be VERY high up. there's something about it that feels like a serotonin shot to the chest. i never not blast this song while driving:

ELIJAH WOODS x JAMIE FINE...Jamie is the queer woman/vocalist. they were a canadian duo but they broke up a few years ago and Jamie is releasing some music independently which is still amazing because her voice is sublime but the work they did together is on CONSTANT rotation for me. some astounding alt-pop goodness.

i mentioned LAUREN SANDERSON and her "songs ill eat you out to" ep last night when talking about pvris but she deserves her standalone shoutout. she's close with one of my best friends in the world so we've gotten to hang out a few times and not only is she making some incredible and unapologetic queer music but she's also a super dope human. can't say enough good things about her. she's fully independent so support her music if you can. it's truly good. unbiased opinion. "frustrated" has been on my top 100 songs on every "wrapped" since it was released. i love this song. "queen bee" is just like PEAKKKKKK makeout song. trust me. find a girl. have that as your soundtrack while you're kissing. 10/10 recommend.

CASSIDY KING is probably the most underrated here. her yt videos get like 1-3k views and it makes me sad because i loveeeeee her stuff. the tone of her voice tickles my ears.

this is not one of my top two recs but i GOTTA shout it out because not only is it her most famous song (100k yt views lol) but...listen...if you've ever dated the straight girl who dates you in secret while publicly flirting with dudes or the closeted girl who refuses to break up with her boyfriend DO WE HAVE A SONG FOR YOU lol

on the opposite end of cassidy is CHELSEA CUTLER. she's probably the most well known here but i still dont think EVERY gay knows about her so im including her because jamming or having horny songs is incredible but we also need songs to be miserable too and she's A MASTER at that lol this live performance of "sometimes" has made me cry more than once if the mood is even slightly off haha

#we need more wlw musicians to make it #like ONE of the 'famous' ones is actually good #the rest are mediocre at best #rants #music #vids #the aces #jfine #ewood #lsanderson #cking #ccutler

[mxbitters]

this is gonna get really personal and possibly more of a vent than mcrposting but now that the shows over i can actually think about it and like. god idk i think fake your death was a song that really meant a lot to me at a time when i really needed it.  it was one of the first songs i taught myself on guitar when i started playing and i could tell myself that, that it wasn’t anyone else who did that but it was me.  and so like, ok i went to this arts high school.  idea is they had these different departments, and so like my first year i went in and decided ok.  music department.  so there were these like.. “auditions” but like you were guaranteed to land somewhere y’know?  but i remember clear as yesterday six years ago i was 14 and fucking miserable with no way of understanding why that was, i was probably wearing this teal and black flannel i had and i was also probably wearing a beanie and fucking hated my hair which was still long at the time.  and i remember like shaking while tuning my guitar and i remember saying what i was gonna play to these maybe two teachers, head of the department didnt even bother showing up, and im sitting there in that uncomfortable plastic chair and they start recording and i start playing.  intro, first half of verse, im not singing but im feeling somewhat more comfortable and start to get into some sort of more involved strumming thing and they just cut me off before i could show them that thing i worked so hard and cared so much about.  and i remember how that moment kicked off a miserable year for me, getting burnt out so fast fingers bleeding from this classical fucking guitarist absolutely drilling in this idea that it was bad if i wanted to play anything with a pick.  and i felt gross and i didn’t understand shit and i remember snapping pick after pick in half from the anxiety and the downward spiral that followed.  and i could barely tell you what i actually remember from that year until some point in may when i came out as trans, maybe around the same time that i started the process of leaving the music department.  and i remember having a lot of trouble playing guitar because of the amount of kids who’d shit on me for writing stuff that was emo.  i think i spent those two semesters and maybe the next year too barely listening to mcr at all because i was embarrassed and ashamed from the way people would shut down that drive, that passion.  but then i remember my drive coming back a little.  i remember having this class in my junior year that was like some school of rock shit, i got to play in a band for the first time and not some stupid thing.  we brought in music we liked and wanted to play.  i brought in against me!’s “borne on the fm waves of the heart” and i remember the way it felt being able to like.. do that.  like that feeling of floating on air that i hadn’t felt ever since that time i started opening up playing fake your death for something i’d end up regretting.  i remember playing up on this mini stage thing at this all-day event we used to have called “peacefest.”  i remember playing with a pick and shout-singing like my life depended on it and i remember seeing that former guitar teacher walk by hiding his face, and i don’t know if it was out of shame or disgust but it was cathartic to see it.  that he failed and didn’t break me, even if that was the last thing on his mind.  i still have the converse i had to fill in with black sharpie because it was “too unprofessional” for a fucking high school performance.  i also still have the footstand he let me use for that performance because it was more important that i was uniform than anything else.  and he’s never getting that fucking footstand back.  and i remember that summer i think i finally picked up my own guitar and played fake your death.  a little different, acoustic, keeping my pinkie on that g the majority of the time and letting the song carry me.  it felt like meeting an old friend.  an old friend who waited for me even when things got scary and i didn’t know what to do.  and like.. i dunno.  i never really thought they’d actually get back together and i was starting to truly accept that but then one day everything changed and it was history.  

i think i’ve been at a low point for a bit now, and college has created this mindset where playing music=burden so i’ve been uninspired and sort of restraining myself alongside the depression but like.. man.  maybe it’s time to pick up my guitar again.  i think fake your death is one of those songs that means one thing at one point in your life and another like.. in another.  and i think that was honestly probably the same case for mcr y’know..?  and like.. idk.  maybe while i’m at it i’ll dig through the vaults aka try and find lyrics, poetry, recordings, whatever.  like..  man.  i just keep forgetting how magical music is but tonight was fucking magical and i want to feel that regularly.  i want the sparks to fucking fly i want to scream i want to play i want to let that poor 14 year old with the nerd glasses and the jack skellington beanie play the same 4 chords in varying ways for 3 whole minutes and hold their hand and tell them it’s gonna be ok.  like i think i really need to do that.  anyway ok goodnight

#this isnt 100% mcrposting please dont reblog this because i barely have a clue what i just spent probably half an hour trying to articulate #so like please be nice to me thank you thank you :)

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

im ready for this angst train let go

“I’m sleeping. I’m sleeping.” The boy says urgently and clutches the covers more tightly.

rafael is so me-coded i used to do this all the time but im the worst actor ever lmaooooo

Alec leans closer and sits in Magnus's lap, both his legs on either side of him. He grabs Magnus's face gently and kisses his nose.

my fav aesthetic, so domestic. can u imagine all that long limbs trying to fit in tho? alec my tallest smol bby

He strokes Magnus's cheeks softly, letting him get away with whatever he’s hiding and replies. “And what happened in this dream where I’m 70% less attractive. Are we still married?”

“Sadly. Apparently it's the heart I was in for.” Magnus rests his head against Alec's chest and focuses on his heartbeat.

alec's costume for halloween gonna be his ratty sweater + acid green socks + a board with 80% less attractive carved on it cuz it gonna be most scary for magnus

Max tilts his head upwards at Alec and pouts again. Alec kisses his head and peers at magnus. “Magnus, you weren't here yesterday morning. You were in LA.”

ominous music start playing in the background

Alec grins and drags Magnus to the bathroom where Alec thoroughly clears his brain of any secondary thoughts other than his amazing mouth on him.

now this, remind me of several fic ideas in draft, not gonna state which one though

“I know. But it’s revenge for all the weird heterosexual things I had to witness back in the day.” Alec's grin can be heard through the phone.

alec be the pettiest bitch in the planet and i will still support him i support alec rights i support alec wrong

“Alec, Alec, Alec, please stop. Stop dying on me.” Magnus begs as he lays his head on Alec's chest.

hello 911 this sentence right here

im gagging over all the time magnus fail to save alec like its getting bad for me but i love this trope idk idk sue me idc

He spends the entire day on the beach where Alec and he got married and only came back to Jace’s call, screaming and crying. He runs to his husband and mutters apologies over apologies in his ears.

why do i love this type of angst so much, like regret and desperation mixing together in a perfect miserable bowl

Magnus doesn't find out who it is before the night ends. Every single one of them fails at protecting Alec and Magnus screams loud enough to flood the entire city of New York.

Before the city can drown, Magnus wakes up again with Alec peppering kisses across his face.

this sentence *chef kiss*

He closes his eyes and puts one step inside, ignoring the loud “Magnus, no,” from behind.

cant believe magnus making this dumbass move is totally in character for him actually

Max lets out an ugly chuckle. “I’m not weak like you, Bapak.”

now i dont know about you but if i say this to my parent hell gonna break loose doesn't matter how much mistakes my parent made they gonna sweep the floor with my ass

He can get power and maybe his family back. Magnus can have the life he deserves back. Shadow world can go to hell for Magnus cares.

i dont give a fvck magnus in a bit problematic era is valid and i support him

“The butterflies are supposed to be Blue.” Magnus looks at his hands and they have turned almost black now with anger but he doesn’t care who he destroys today.

smart and feral magnus is the most sexy magnus, carved this into the accord @ alec lightwood-bane

Magnus snaps his fingers and a dagger appears in his hand. He pushes the sword in Alec's hands forcefully. “How about you try it Alec? Plunge the sword into me and kill me” He screams.

mister this is a mcdonald drive through pls staph STAPH

“I wish I had never fucking met you, Alexander. That you never knocked on my door that night.” Magnus exhales. “Every single one of my nightmare is related to you. I wouldn't be in all this pain if not for you.”

this is pain but all i can think about is alec's mind yelling the entire chorus of antihero after he heard magnus said this. god's timing always right. now, shrek forever after!au when magnus's magic accidentally reacts to his outburst and re-set the timeline to when alec never met magnus. someone writes this

He wants to turn the shadowhunter into a toad.

“I will drown you in a pool of ducks.”

“Shut up.” Jace says even though he looks scared at the prospect.

the only brother in law that matter

“I thought you’d freak out if you wake up in our room again. So when I woke up this morning, I got you here.” Alec explains.

very virgo of him to do so

“You said a bad word yesterday, daddy.” Max explains.

they gonna have a cuss jar in the near feature arent they

Alec follows through on his promise this time.

but he wont be able to 70 years from now on- JK HAHA thats my alter ego talking love is fine love is great love is infinite i love love

great work as always your magnus angst always magnificent

Thank you. Thank you. My Magnus angst is the reason I can get through life.

I love how your thoughts go from A to Q in 0.06 seconds. It’s like watching a genius work in real time.

This fic was so fun to write because it was absolutely unhinged. I got to write soft Magnus, Magnus in his unhinged era, angry Magnus, sad, desperate Magnus. It’s like Magnus x10000.

Also yes, Alec making himself small in Magnus’s lap is such a soft aesthetic🥺

me getting 7 more fic ideas only from your reactions alone lol.

#malec groundhog fic #YADAB #anh cutie

[koinvyokan]

what technoblade means to me

this still feels so surreal. its so strange to know that one of the most impactful content creators, and people in general to me has passed away.

i only joined the dream smp/mcyt fandom a year a ago. lore was really daunting to get into, and one of the only reasons i kept up watching old lore was definitely technoblade. watching his doomsday streams and daring escapes from the butcher army made me feel like i was truly watching something cinematic and dramatic in a way that no other lore did. he's the reason i stuck around at first. he's the reason i have this blog and have been able to meet so many great people.

he became the most interesting character and cc to me quickly, his sense of humour just perfectly fit with mine. i binged all his skywars, skyblock, and potato war videos. like i got home from school and only watched techno videos till i went to sleep it was actually a problem to my schoolwork at a point. i watched his old smp earth vods and minecraft monday tournaments. i was so consumed that a non mcyt irl knew enough about techno to buy me a pig plushie for christmas (of course named techno). here's some techno plush content to hopefully make you smile

my mental health took a big dive from it's already kinda shit starting point around november 2021 and up until recently. one day, the one year anniversary of my friend's suicide, the only thing that made me smile a little bit and took my mind off of things was rewatching techno's potato war videos. i will always remember that. i suffered from a lot of insomnia in that period, and for a very long time the only way i could reliably go to sleep was putting on a long techno stream and waiting. it always worked. he was my healthy coping mechanism. it sounds like a joke or something, saying 'i watched technoblade just to feel something' but yeah, i did and i still do. i know that his videos or streams will make me laugh, or put me in awe and appreciation of his skill and dedication, or that i will be transported to a story where this decked out giant pig guy singlehandedly takes on the world and always wins. his content has served as such an important escape for me, i would have been so much more miserable without him. im so so thankful. i hope he understood even a fraction of the impact he had. techno accompanied me through my darkest times, he was joy for me.

the passion that this man had for everything he did was immense, his dedication inspires me to this day. his skill was unmatched because of that, and i will always consider him the greatest of all time at the craft. he displayed such kindness towards his friends and fans alike, i try to treat my friends how he treated his. his wit and humour brought life to everything he did. he managed to make hundreds of bedwars and skywars rounds each be interesting and memorable thanks to the strength of his personality. also he murdered orphans. an all around great guy.

god when i saw that notification. i saw 'so long nerds' and immediately my mind was jumping to conclusions. oh, so he was taking a break from youtube. maybe he had to go through with the amputation after all and couldn't continue with minecraft. i didnt even consider the reality as an option. when his dad started to speak my heart dropped to the floor. my love is going out to his family and his friends, what theyre going through is just horrible and it must be exacerbated by having to go through it so publicly. techno deserved a long and happy life, but it gives me comfort and i hope it does for everyone that he said he would choose to be technoblade all over again.

i really dont know if there is anything after this life, but i believe that the people we love stay with us and it is our duty to keep them alive in our memory. i also know that it is necessary for a while, but unhealthy to wallow in the grief. this is sad. this is terrible. but techno brought so much joy, and i just want to remember that. its gonna be a challenge to get to that point, but he deserves to be remembered like that. for you the world, techno.

#dont rb #also i changed the url back he deserves it

[lostacelonnie]

Truly. School festival? Wild i dont think ive ever been to one of those. Not sure mine ever had them but im glad you had so much fun! Its not completely finished yet i get that done next week but its very cool i love it. I have like. 12 piercings now with still more i want. They were a slippery slope from getting two to all the ones i have & want but i hope you're able to get some in the future. I think i like my eyebrow & lip piercings best. Thats a wild difference damn. Its been sunny mostly cool days right now but we keep going from warmer days to rain/snow warnings here. Oh hell yeah congrats! Strange but positive is the best combination to have honestly. Id also love to check out carnivale if that still happens in italy or mardi gras over here down in louisiana if i had time. Just love the idea of big celebration with cool stuff. Oh sparkle is quantum support with action advance & crit damage (?) boost. She's real good for seele or many teams really. I got archeron! Just need to get her light cone but damn was she cool in the 2.1 story. Not gonna spoil if you havent played through yet. Congrats on your archeron pulls! I think i might save for topaz now & get adventurine later? I do like how he plays but ill grab him later i don't think i have use for him yet. Swarm is so annoying i gave up on it for now terrible fuckin enemies. Mood what set are you usin on archeron? I love her talent too just. Insta enemy kill what a time saver. Really did give her a great & interesting kit. Hm ill have to continue & see how complex she is. Been busy with other games & like. Cosmodyssey & the bartender event in star rail. Oh thats fun i love it keep doin that. Ohh congrats on the writing energy!

yeah school festivals are also pretty rare over here but [thanks to a complete coincidence, i didnt even Know we had those] i ended up in a school that actually organizes one JSDKFJG. would tell you what it is but i feel doxxing my school on tumblr.com is not a terribly good idea. AND HEY THATS AWESOME!!! also yeah i heard it Really Is Like That with piercings shdjfg all my friends said so at least. tbh the only reason i dont have any yet is bc when i was the age when everyone gets their first one [around 8-9 among my peers] i was very physically active and didnt wanna deal with the whole healing process while trying to not get the shit beaten out of me in aikido. so thanks!!! i REAAALLLY wanna get snake bites theyre So cool. AND FOR REAL LIKE???? can the weather Please decide what it wants to do with its life. it was literally raining the whole day today and yesterday i cannot keep dealing with this. esp since today was my first day back to school after the easter break so waiting for my bus was just. miserable. And my classbestie didnt come to school today so i guess i cant have nice things. Oh Well. and for real for real im actually so glad my school doesnt seem to have a single normal person in it because everything is just so much more. chill. and the gossip is Insane i tell you. ever since this year i befriended a bunch of cool alt girls my life had been so much more interesting because they know like everything about everyone. and oh good luck with all that!! i totally agree, tho i definitely have to be mentally prepared for such occasions. Due To The Autism. but yeah theyre SO fun. and oh that sounds like. a very good kit actually. might get her in the future but ahh i still cant quite decide who im gonna pull for next..... only time can tell i suppose. CONGRATS ON GETTING MEI #3!!!!! i maxed out her talents already [thank god for how little time that calyx takes] so i just need to get relics for her now. Auugghhhg. but i decided im just gonna wait for the triple drop event to save myself some sanity and am currently focusing on ruan mei's talents rn since i run her with acheron <- guy who has no welt and his pela is lvl 50 not built. ah thats understandable!!! i was initially Completely uninterested in aventurine but used his trial as a march replacement in my clara team and it all fits together so nicely. speaking of which i literally got clara TWICE yesterday, one pull apart, without pity on standard. the universe loves me i guess. so shes e4 now. FOR FUCKING REAL but at least using acheron in sim uni lets one skip the non boss battles so thats a massive timesaver and also makes dealing with the swarm a lot less problematic. since you only have to deal with the big guy at the end and not trouble yourself with the occasional encounter on the way. seriously tho acheron is so cracked in sim uni. she let me get the achievement for finishing every battle with all allies at 100% hp. im currently using band of sizzling thunder + inert salsotto [LOL] on her!!! as i said. scuffed but does the job for now. but im gonna get her pioneer diver of dead waters + izumo gensei and takama divine realm since i heard thats whats best on her. and yeah her kit is super fun!! and have fun with that!! honestly fair, tho im just stuck in my holy trinity of hi3 - hsr - noita. also i love the bartender event a lot both story and gameplay wise. very very cool. and thankies!!!!!!!

#me? answering in under two weeks? equilibrium has been restored #asks #pen pals

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.

#stfu lexy #text #very heavy stuff I’m ranting about please be warned #these are just for people’s blacklists btw #self harm #suicide #suicidal thoughts #medication #dermatillomania

[strawberryspeachy]

I’m really homesick. Its compounded by grief for my mom.

I find myself in another shitty situation. I don’t want to go back the the US because i have no home. I have no job. I have no boyfriend.

I miss my friends and american stuff but i cant afford to live back home

Moreso before I didnt want to watch my mom get worse. Id planned to go back after i took a break. It was so exhausting being the only one trying to keep her there. Cleaning the house. Moving from home and just trying to exist. Im miserable and suicidal and i wanted a break. From being a caretaker and from my psycho family

Then i got here and i didnt get a break. Japan is stupidly hard to live in and then corona ruined my plans. I wanted to feel like i really experienced japan. I wanted to feel accomplished in my job over here. I didnt realize how bad the job i signed up to do was.

Before i could even get a feeling of accomplishment my mom died.

I dont want to live back home without her. What do i do when i go places where i went with here. See things without her. Eat with out her. Plan without her.

She was never in japan and i still cant look a garfeild or snoopy without feeling pain

I cant survive back home without her

But japan sucks. I have no friends. No one wants to be in a relationship with me. Im constantly treated like shit for being a non white woman

Im sick of having gross old men harass me every second of every day

Im sick of women slamming into me and jumping on me and either pretending im not physically in a place and trying to run through me or taking me as a threat and throwing their body into me

Im sick of getting paid less and having my work being credited by others. Of being told that im not qualified or good enough for jobs theyd give a slob who cant even write their own name

Im sick of having to argue with shitty ppl to get checked at the doctor, my phone number or internet in order, to live in a place

Im sick of no insulation and high costs for energy

Im sick of high taxes that dont benefit me

Im sick of construction work ruining my only free time

Im sick of ppl squishing together on public transport

Of robotic ppl who dont care about anyone

Of police harassing me

Im so tired of it. Im home sick. I want halloween. I want normal chit chat when i go to a store. I want to walk in a straight line without ppl running me down. I want american food. I want to be in my car

Im homesick. Im legitimately home sick

But im homesick for a place that literally doesnt exist. My house is gone. My pets are gone. Most importantly my mom is gone. I want my mom. Shes not there. I want to go home. It doesn’t exist

I don’t know what to do with myself

The choice isn’t even rlly mine. Ive pissed off 5 companies by calling them out, calling them out, making them follow the law, making them follow the law, calling them out

And now the newest one is the worst yet. I hate them. I dont want to work as an assistant anymore. I dont wana to work with these horrible dispatches and all the schools want men or white women. Im so angry watching ppl who cant do their jobs be easily given them and kept.

Im tired of fighting. And I don’t think its gonna get my anywhere. I dont want to go back the the states and fall apart… i want to just die

I dont even have my psudomom anymore. She had a stroke and is on the path my mom took…my home away from home didnt a viable option anymore either

Im so miserable

Also to top it off. This school the one where i have the best admin life of any school ever. Its the first school where the students don’t rlly like me. Which sucks. Other schools ive wished i could be more involved with the students homeroom and clubs and trips - now i could. But this student body didnt take to me as well as all the other schools students so even though i can be involved i dont get involved.

I wish i were dead. I hate my life.

I miss my mom

[hayleylwong]

reflection 05-23

9:33pm - today i woke up at like 12:30. this was disappointing bc i was supposed to get up earlier to study for my chem midterm tm. instead i didnt study until like 4 bc i had to go sit outside and talk to people and then i went to class for like five minutes but i left to go study for chem bc i thought that was more important. i went to the schoenberg music practice rooms w my friend that can play piano to take a break from studying and omg the practice room hallway looks and sounds like a psychiatric ward like i swear all the instruments blended together and sounded like clown music and the hallway was long and the doors were all like scary w one little window in them. but i liked hearing my friend play piano. then i met my other friend at feast and ate dumplings and we got to talk i wish i could see her more often. then i went to study some more w my friend from before and we had to check like 15 lounges before we found an empty table. tn im gonna do pomodoro method so i am writing this during one of my breaks. i hope i can get through everything rn i feel like it is doable i bought yerba and celsius earlier so i am prepared for my all nighter. we will see how doable it feels as the night progresses. i am looking forward to 4:00pm tm when i can finally sleep after my midterm and hanging out w people for an hour 3 times in a row.

9:44pm - omg i called today the 21st accidentally. i just realized i cannot sleep at 4 bc of club work due at 5. ughhhh it is only the beginning of the night and i already want to sleep. i have overdone my pomodoro break by 11 minutes now. it is not a good sign.

12:10am - it was not a good sign. i have watched one and a half lectures and am two hours and twenty minutes into my current break. i went to the store and got more yerba mate but it is not working. i have seven lectures left and less than ten hours before my midterm. when am i going to shower. i now cannot sleep until 7pm tomorrow. my eczema is making me itch inside my body i am uncomfortable and everything is irritating me i cannot focus but i will. i will do it i have to otherwise idk what to do no i have to i really have to. only 19 more hours of misery.

3:54am - i have watched one hour of lecture in the last six hours. i am scared. there are other peoples review notes on the white board and i do not recognize some of the words. my friend said theyre important. no position is comfortable i am hella fidgety and my skin is freaking out. i want to shower but i do not have time. my friend is abt to go to sleep and leave me. who will keep me awake. i an beginning to do the thing i used to do where i blink weird and tense my head muscles bc i feel off. i am going to hug my boy. except i just saw his explore page and let me tell you i have never seen so many asian bikini thirst traps in my life. and i scrolled through his for you page and the same girl kept coming up. tell me why when i was scrolling through the explore he said ‘ooh a white one’ like three times. like actually wtf. have i told u guys his ex is white. my chem prof is rly grinding my gears rn. i hope i does not ever find my tumblr. i hope i can focus in the next six hours. oh no that is not enough time. no no no no no

5:16 - i actually cannot think. my head is numb. but the caffeine is finally working and i cannot sleep. i am so f ed. my head does not work. maybe i am just irritable rn. i hate everything. wtf is a nucleophile and how do u tell how strong it is. i just learned but i forget. i am going to cry.

5:26 - my friend is going to sleep soon. what am i gonna do. i was supposed to be done w lec by now and i have six left. i have four hours left before the exam. i have never been so disappointed in myself. i am sad. what am i going to do. i cant cry im too dehydrated and i dont have time for that. what is wrong w me

6:26 - how am i still on the same lecture as an hour ago. i am so miserable. was this quarter really worth it if im gonna fail this class? i wasnt even good at this quarter. but it is too late now bc if i dont go through w that i alr failed. i cant even hear anything shes saying anymore but i barely have time to watch even on 2x speed

6:50 - i am struggling. thinking abt doing anything makes me want to sob. i really really hope my club does not make us do stuff for an extra week bc i actually do not think i can. that week will be spent studying for finals. ik what to prioritize now. they should make that more clear. ughhh my brain is being attacked with words. it does not like it. i hate myself rn. i need to scream

jp updates: sam is feeling good today. he is curious whether or not he asks people for contact information weirdly and is working on changing his phrasing.