#nicorette inhaler

[ashankavinda]

Smoking cigarettes is like paying to have your life cut shorter.

#quit smoking #no smoking #smoking cessation #stop smoking #nicotine patches #quitting smoking timeline #benefits of quitting smoking #nicorette inhaler #best way to quit smoking #no smoking day

[tieronecrush]

part of me, apart from me

rating: E (18+ only, MDNI)

word count: 14k....its a whole thing okay?

summary:

kindly requested from a lovely anon "You and Javi had one kid together when you were very young, maybe you broke up due to his work schedule. You reunite at their college graduation 👀"

javier & you had daughter right after he graduated college, you with a couple years left yourself. when she was 15, he got the call to head to colombia, deciding with you to pursue his career and leave the two of you in the safety of laredo. seven years later, your daughter is graduating from college and javier is back home for good after cali, forcing himself to face what he finds are his failures, and hold out hope that you still feel the same as he does.

warnings (SPOILERS): BIG self doubt, self deprecation, heavy guilt, separated relationship, co-parenting, javier being in unrequited love, chucho being a king and a great grandfather & father, strained familial relationships on mother's side, discussions of death/violence/drugs, smoking, alcohol use, mentions of food/eating, use of spanish, javi has total DAD moments, he is a DILF ofc, dirty talk, oral sex (f & m (briefly) receiving), unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, becomes established relationship, etc.

a/n: i don't think the anon who requested this realized what it would do to my brain, but i have created a whole universe for this fic. i am in love with their little family and they will live forever in my head and heart. a huge thank you to my bestie el @northernbluess for screaming about javi, this fic, giving me the title for this, and beta-reading this long ass fic for me. love you friend!!!! hope you all enjoy, and that you love them as much as i do!

The engine of Javier’s truck cuts as he turns the ignition, the loud rumble of its mechanics quieting to reveal the sounds of birds chirping. For Texas in May, it’s a pretty mild day, sunlight shining bright against the blue sky. There’s a handful of wispy clouds above him as he opens the door and steps down from the cab, shutting it with a metallic click. He rolls his shoulders and swings his arms to loosen up, the sweat at the nape of his neck is from his nerves more than the temperature.

It’s been two years since he has seen his daughter, Liliana, in person. He’d come back from Colombia after everything that went down with the Cali cartel and the government only a mere 48 hours ago. He’s exhausted, but he made the drive from Laredo to College Station to see his princesa, the light of his life for the last twenty-two years, graduate from college. Specifically, his alma mater, Texas A&M University.

He has been counting down the days until he was back for this occasion, after repeatedly reminding everyone in the embassy that he would be out of the country. It just so happens that he doesn’t need to return to Colombia as he had originally planned.

A deep inhale and slow exhale attempt to calm the jitters that are trembling his fingers.

Fuck, he really wants a cigarette.

But Lili would kill him if he showed up smelling like burnt tobacco when he had promised a week ago he was on the Nicorette thing.

Instead, he shakes his head to himself and hooks his sunglasses in the open chest of his light blue short-sleeve button-up. Out of habit, he reaches to his lower back to feel for his pistol, his touch brushing denim.

Another inhale, slow exhale.

He can do this.

It’s you and his daughter. Two people that he loves. Two people he’s been working for.

Maybe that’s why he’s so fucking nervous.

How can you welcome him back every time he makes a visit? How can his daughter be excited to talk to him every week from across the equator? He’s been gone for years. Most of her teenage life, and nearly all of her college career. He’s only been back once since she moved to university. Once.

What a fucking asshole.

Certainly not a good father.

His boots tick against the pavement of the front path up to the dingy, weather-worn two-story house. He remembers getting photographs of Liliana in front of this house a couple of years ago, sent from you and stuffed in an envelope along with photos retelling her entire summer. That one of her standing proudly in front of this house hung on his fridge until he packed it up two days ago.

Every day he looked at it, he wished nothing more than to have been like one of her friends’ dads that helped with moving in and fixing up the house, maybe slipping her a hundred dollar bill to spend on groceries or alcohol on his way out to the car after saying goodbye.

Instead, he was stuck in Colombia under the thumb of the U.S. government and sleazy CIA agents that were controlling him like a puppet.

He’s here now, though. And he’s trying so hard to get over the tightness in his chest, to clear the lump in his throat, and to dry his sweaty palms when he gets up the creaky wooden steps and up to the front door. His middle finger presses the doorbell aggressively, taking a step back and shaking out his shoulders again.

Gaze focused on his shoes, he looked up as he heard the door unlock. A wide, genuine grin breaks out on his face when he sees Liliana in the threshold, that same smile copied and pasted onto hers, even down to the dimple on his right cheek.

“Tata (Dad)! You’re here!” she exclaims, jumping out of the door and hooking her arms around his neck. He laughs as he catches her, one arm wrapping around her waist and his other hand reaching up to hold the back of her head. He pets her long, brunette hair, squeezing her in a tight hug against his chest.

“Oh, Lili Pad. Missed you so much, mija.” He kisses the side of her head before loosening his hold on her, taking in the sight of his daughter after seeing her only through photographs for years.

“Tata, I’m graduating college tomorrow. Not little Lili Pad anymore.”

Her eye roll gives Javier’s attitude a run for its money.

Damn, she really got a lot from his gene pool.

The same deep brown eyes with hints of amber, softened and round give away their every emotion. The same mouth that finds a perfect pout, combined with those eyes he was always pushed over when she was younger. Anything she wanted, he would give to her. Even now.

She has your nose, though. Your ears. Your feminine facial structure. Your charming, warm personality.

“You’re always gonna be Lili Pad, amorcita. Always gonna be my babygirl,” he presses another kiss to her temple, unraveling her from him, “But you have grown into such a beautiful woman, Lili. You remind me of your mam�� when she was your age.”

“There’s that Peña charm.”

He looks over his daughter’s shoulder and sees you leaning against the banister, arms crossed over your chest with a smirk playing at your lips. His heart rate increases to double speed, his now dry hands clamming up again as he drinks you in from head to toe.

Years away and he is still so fucking in love with you.

Another reason to curse his time in Colombia.

It was a mutual decision, to split up before he left. There was no timeline for how long he would be gone or when he could come back that first time he went down there.

And there was no way in hell he was putting the two most important people in his life in the middle of what was basically a fucking warzone.

So, that was that. Co-parents, and close friends.

And an agonizing ache every time he saw you since he left.

He grins right back at you, Lili waving him inside after her. Crossing the entryway to you, he opens his arms with a quirk of his brows.

Your smirk reaches its full stretch, shifting into a gracious smile as you drop your arms and step into his, snaking your hands around to his back. He holds you tightly, a shorter embrace than the one with Liliana but long enough for your signature scent to pull him back to being a young, dumb college student who was madly in love. A chaste kiss is pressed to your cheek before he pulls away.

“I’m pretty sure she gets that from you, amor. I don’t recall a time when you weren’t able to get what you wanted — everyone you meet thinks you’re a delight.”

“See? More charm. Laying it on a little thick, Jav,” you tease, hitting your fist against his bicep gently.

He glances at your arm when you lower it back to your side, catching the glint of the bracelet with Liliana’s initials in gold charms that is always on your wrist. He gave it to you after she was born, once she was taken home from the hospital and the two of you were standing over her crib watching her sleep. Ever since then, he’s never seen you without it.

“Alright, alright. Enough of the weird, complimentary back-and-forth you guys do. Do you wanna see the place before I move out, viejo?” Lili cuts in and Javi’s eyes leave your wrist to look at her with a smile.

“Ay, no soy viejo, princesa (Ay, I am not old, princess). Now lead the way and no more making fun of me,” he nods for her to walk ahead of him, taking a few steps and glancing back at you, “You not coming on the tour, amor?”

You shake your head and give Liliana a look that says ‘Care to explain?’. Being on the receiving end of that look many times, he knows it a bit too well coming from you.

“Mom is being amazing and helpful and wonderful like Mom always is and is packing my closet for me.” Lili cringes as she admits it to her father, Javier shaking his head and letting out a long exhale.

“Liliana, you have known you’re moving for months and you’ve waited until the day before graduation to pack? Dios, somos demasiado parecidos (God, we are too much alike),” he nods for her to continue walking as you laugh behind him, the sound traveling as you walk upstairs and bringing a faint smile to his lips as he follows his daughter.

He hovers around Lili’s room as you pace from her closet to the cases laid out on the floor, organizing everything and folding as you walk back and forth. Your daughter is downstairs, tasked with packing up her items from the kitchen and the living room. Javi’s been given the whole tour, now dropped off to “catch up with Mom”, as Lili put it.

Across the surfaces and walls, he spies the little gifts he’s sent her over his years away: all of the birthday cards he’s hand-picked and written letters in stacked in a box on her desk, the mola depicting lilies framed and hanging on her wall, the brightly colored Wayuu mochila that he’d bought from one of the open air markets in Bogotá hanging off of the door knob to her closet.

There’s a sharp pain in his chest when he sees the small picture frames sitting on her nightstand. He sits on the edge of her bed and picks them up one by one to study them. The first is a photo of you and Lili, smiling from ear to ear. He recognizes the photo as one he took on his visit before last, the one he made before Lili went to college. The pair of you are standing in the middle of an overgrown field on the Peña ranch, sun setting in the background. Lili insisted on watching the sunset all together on Javi’s last night at home, and he snuck the camera out with the three of you.

He has a copy of the photo right next to his bed, too.

Setting the frame down delicately, he picks up the next one, this one of Lili and him alone. It’s from years ago, the wide smile on Lili’s face showing off her missing front tooth. Javi grins back at his little girl in the photo, his eyes combing over to the younger version of him, way back when he was a sheriff in Laredo. It must have been during the holidays — there’s a shiny plastic red gift bow on his chest and Lili is wearing a knit sweater with a snowman on it.

Where did all the time go?

The last photograph grows the lump in his throat and the ache in between his ribs. It’s a photo of the three of you, one from his most recent visit a couple of years ago. Dressed up for a Dean’s Award ceremony that Liliana was nominated for. She looks like the spitting image of you, and you are absolutely glowing with pride for her. You two are so beautiful. He looks exhausted, anxiety in his eyes that never seems to have left since his first year in the DEA. It was around the time when he thought he was going to be able to stay, to be around for Lili and for you. He told you what happened in Colombia that got him sent home; you understood, of course, you understood why he did it all. And he admitted it all with the faintest smile on his face, the thought of getting to settle was appealing more and more to him.

And then he got the call.

He battled with the decision.

He talked to you about it.

You said, “We’re always gonna be here, Jav. You need to go. What’s a few more years?”

Everything. A few more years was everything.

He missed so much.

“You okay, Jav?”

He looks up from the photo in his hands, eyes focusing back on the room instead of a million miles ahead. You are kneeling next to one of the suitcases, carefully placing some of your daughter’s clothes in neatly. Those eyes you’re giving him turn his brain to mush, all of the escalating thoughts dripping away.

“Yeah, yeah, all good. Reminiscing,” he nods to himself as he turns the photo for you to see before setting it back down, pulling a grin onto his face, “Do you remember when the three of us would all go out to dinner or meet up with my tíos and tías when Lili was a baby? And they would always ask us when we were getting married?”

A gentle laugh comes from you as you think back, knowing how many times you got asked the same question over and over again.

“Yes, I definitely remember that. I also remember you getting so annoyed one day that you just—”

“Lied and said that we got married at the courthouse?”

“Yes! I got such an onslaught of questions after you said that. That news, which wasn’t even news, spread like wildfire throughout your family.”

“Well, at least it got people off our backs, esposa,” he winks, grin lifting to one side to meld into a smirk.

You roll your eyes dramatically, the wide smile peeling your lips apart making Javi’s heart race faster.

“You want some help, amor? Feel like an imbécil not doing anything,” he slaps his hands on his knees as he stands from Lili’s bed, taking the handful of steps that separate you. One knee is bent to bring him down to the ground, huffing out a sigh as he gets fully onto his knees.

“Sure you’re gonna be able to get up from the floor, viejo?” You raise an eyebrow at him as you continue to put rolled clothes into the luggage. Javier rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“I think I can handle getting up from the ground, bromista. Been jumping off of roofs and trekking through fucking jungles for seven years.” He doesn’t wait for your response, grabbing one of the unfolded shirts from next to you and attempting to fold it as neatly as you’ve done with the rest of them.

“Alright, alright. I believe you. How about I roll, you organize what I hand you into the suitcase? Sounds good?” You hold a hand out for the shirt in his hand, a small laugh as he resigns his attempt and passes the fabric over.

“Sí, jefa (Yes, boss),” a soft grin pulls one side of his mouth up, deepening the dimple on his right cheek. You look at him with your own tender smile when you hand him a rolled pair of jeans to put away, reaching your hand up to poke the little crevice in his cheek like you always do — like you always did.

The two of you work quietly for a few minutes, falling into a rhythm. Liliana makes noise from downstairs, cabinets open and closing, sounds of bubble wrap being ripped echoing throughout the house.

“How’re you doin’, Jav?”

The question strikes him, slumping his shoulders and training his gaze on the shirt in his hands as he rubs his index and thumb over the softened cotton.

It’s a simple enough question; he expected you to ask when you first saw him. In a greeting, he thought it would be easy to brush it off, tell you ‘Estoy bien’ or that he was happy to be home.

But right now, packing up his daughter’s clothes to move her out of college and back into your home — the day before his little girl’s graduation — it feels too difficult to lie.

Sitting alone here with you, the mother of his daughter, the beauty that gave him his greatest gift, the woman — the strong, commanding, warm, gentle woman that he is still so incredibly in love with — is drawing the truth out of him before he can fully catch up with what he’s admitting.

“Feeling like a real pendejo. I missed so much. Too much, amor. I’m sorry.”

“Jav. You are here now. You always show up when she needs her Tata. Even if it’s not physically, you show up for her every day. No more of that talk this weekend, do you hear me? You’re here. That’s it. Not missing anything.”

How do you always know what to say to him?

How did he ever walk away from you?

Javier nods his head, pressing his lips into a tight line as his fingers twitch for nicotine. He would kill for that slow drag of smoke filling his lungs, relaxing his racing mind and heart with a break that lasts as long as the burning paper and tobacco.

Instead, he stands on his knees, grabbing the plastic pack out of his pocket and popping out a chiclet of gum, tossing it into his mouth, and chewing furiously. The look on your face is observational, a twitch of your lips into the faintest grin calms him nearly as much as a cigarette would.

He sits back on his haunches, one of his hands reaching to touch you, faltering when your head turns down to fold the item of clothing in your hands.

“Te quiero, esposa,” his hand grazes his fingertips along the denim covering his thighs, twitching to move the hair curtaining your face, “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, Jav,” your head shakes back and forth subtly, eyes lifting from your lap and softening as you smile at him, “Love you, too.”

“Jesús Cristo, Liliana, you have a lot of shit. I went to college with a suitcase and a duffle bag — and left four years later with just the duffle bag,” Javier shakes his head as he carries the last piece of luggage downstairs to the living room where the rest of her packed belongings are accumulating to pack up in your three cars the day after her graduation.

“God, Jav, you sound like my father. ‘I walked twelve miles to school with rocks in my backpack and in a foot of snow’,” you drop your voice to mock him, laughing with your daughter as she walks in from the kitchen and stands next to you, “Getting to be an old man, Peña.”

“Mamá is right, Tata. You’re the youngest dad out of all my friends and you sound the oldest right now,” Lili says through a wide smile, and you laugh with her now, sending Javier a brightly teasing grin.

He grumbles and rolls his eyes, waving a hand at both of you dismissively.

“Yeah, yeah. Enough from you two bromistas. Y’know, I didn’t miss you two ganging up on me — it was one thing through the phone, but in person is just too much.”

Your tongue clicks and you walk over to him, pinching his cheek as you pass by him, “Aw, Jav, it’s all love. You’re just easy to rile up, makes it fun.”

You wink at him with your back to Liliana, slipping out of the room to grab more of her boxes from the kitchen. At your touch and the minuscule flirtation, his heart rate thumps louder in his ears. His eyes follow you out of the room, snapping back when Liliana asks him a question. He shakes himself out of the trance, looking over to his daughter and stepping over to where she’s stood in front of an open box.

“Qué pasa, mija? (What’s up, my daughter?)” Javier reaches an arm up and wraps it around her shoulders, holding her against his side as he presses a kiss to her head. His eyes drop to what’s held in front of her, a chill running down his spine when he sees a photo of Escobar across the front page of the newspaper, the headline reading ‘ESCOBAR KILLED IN MEDELLÍN’.

“Do you want this copy, Tata? I kept two of them, but I think the other one is already packed away and I don’t know if I need both anymore really. Kept one to show my professors all about you,” Lili turns her head and looks up at him.

Javier shakes his head, a tight smile facing his daughter before he drops his arm from her shoulders.

“No, no thanks, mija. No need to keep the other one either. I wasn’t even there for that, amorcita. I think I was actually about to come over to Mamá’s house to see you when I got the call,” he tasks his antsy hands with sealing a cardboard box with packing tape, “May as well toss them out. Or send them to Mr. Murphy if you want them to be kept safe.”

“I don’t want to get rid of the other one. I want to keep it. Even if you weren’t there for it, you still did so much work to get to that point, Tata. I mean, you doing all of that in Colombia is what made me want to do criminal psychology,” she carefully slips the newspaper into one of the open boxes, closing it up and holding her hand out for the tape roll.

“Mi princesa, you—“

“I know, Tata. I promise I am not going to be running on rooftops or caught in the middle of shootouts with the DEA. No fighting cartels, viejo. I just want to work with profiling and behind-the-scenes stuff.” She takes the tape, closing up the box completely as Javier’s heart cinches in his chest.

He is so incredibly proud of his Lili Pad, but he can’t deny how angry he got when Liliana chose her major finally — of course, it had to be criminology. She explained she was drawn to it because of his work, but assured that she is not interested in doing the same thing he has done for years. Behind the scenes, possibly going into forensic psychology or helping to profile criminals. Office jobs, for the most part. But he couldn’t shake that anger inside for months; never been angry with his daughter, and he knew she was as headstrong as him and would achieve what she wanted. He was angry with himself, for even planting any sort of seed, even unknowingly, for Lili to get into this type of work. He knows that eventually her end of the promise might not be kept — he knows her, how easily excitable she can get with new opportunities. She’ll likely end up climbing ranks or even getting into some agency like the FBI or something.

The thought of her out there, in a tac vest or with a weapon, makes bile burn his esophagus.

“Alright, I think we’re done here for today. Better go check into the hotel and we can get ready quick, then we can swing by and pick you up for dinner, Lili.” Your voice pulls him out of his spiral, stare focusing back into the room and glancing over at you in the doorway from the kitchen.

“Sí, jefa. Sounds like a plan,” he pats the pockets of his jeans and feels for his truck keys, “You gonna be ready if we come in an hour, princesa?”

Lili rolls her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest and popping her hip out, a stance all too familiar to Javier.

“Sí, Tata. Besides, I’m not the one you should be asking that to. Mom is always the one who takes longer to get ready.”

Javier laughs when you walk over to your daughter, pinching her side playfully. He shakes his head and gives Liliana a knowing look.

“Mija, I have known that fact about your mamá for longer than you’ve been alive. I’m guessing it will be an hour and a half until we’re back, but wanted to make sure you were actually ready. An hour to you women is at least an hour and fifteen to the rest of the world.”

Javier smiles with a loud laugh as both you and Lili approach him and swat his arms, pinching his sides without causing any pain whatsoever. There were protests on either side of him, his daughter and her mother annoyed with the judgments on their time management but all three of them knew he was right.

“Alright, alright, I apologize…” he surrenders from the assault with his hands up, taking deep breaths as he recovers from his laughter before continuing with a smirk, “But we all know I’m right!”

Javier makes a quick exit out of the room and through the front door before any other hits or pinches can be given to him, hearing the stifled laughter from you and Lili from inside the house.

“Yeah, you better run, Jav!” you call out as you gather your purse and fish out your car keys, saying a quick goodbye to Lili and following his path out of the house, “Now I’m gonna be ready in an hour just to prove you wrong.”

“That would only make me overjoyed. Maybe we could make our reservation in time then,” he waves goodbye to Liliana before turning to continue down the front path of her house, to his truck parked in front of your small SUV.

“You wanna follow me over there?” he asks as he unlocks the driver’s side door, watching you open yours and nod to him.

“Yeah, sounds good to me. Don’t be driving like a bat out of hell, though, Javier.”

“Hey, I can’t make any promises. Used to driving all around Colombian cities, it’s a lot different on those roads,” he jokes before making sure you get into your car, hopping into the truck, and listening to the engine turn over before he leads you both over to your accommodations for the rest of the weekend.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Peña. We would normally be absolutely willing to find a solution for you, but we’re fully booked for the graduation weekend. We only have one room for you.” The front desk receptionist looks terrified of Javier at this moment, his glare that he has perfected, normally reserved for serious criminals or dirty agents, is aimed directly at the young college student working here.

When the two of you were trying to check in, they had been informed that the reservation Javier had made for the two of you, two standard rooms, had been double booked, resulting in the parties involved only getting delegated one room each. 

His jaw notched to the side, hands gripping the edge of the front counter with his arms wide and head dipping down in annoyance. He picks it up, addressing the hotel employee again.

“I made a reservation months ago. I called from fucking Colombia — I paid about forty dollars wasting twenty minutes on the phone with whoever was working that day just to get this booked—”

“Jav,” your hand finds his chest as his eyes find yours, the rapid heartbeat thumping in his chest definitely not slowing down at what was supposed to be your soothing touch, “It’s fine. We can survive with one room for two nights. It’s either taking this or sleeping on the floor at Lili’s.”

Holding your gaze, he can see the words unsaid in the look you’re giving him.

Shut up and take the room key.

And there’s no way he is continuing to argue with the kid in front of him as he squirms under your own stern stare. With a grumble, he straightens up, your hand leaving his chest and cool, conditioned air chilling the spot that was covered in your warmth. The rest of the check-in process is painless, with Javier paying for the stay and taking the room keys. He turns around to face you, handing you one of the access cards and nodding toward the elevators.

“Let me take that, amor.” He leans down and grabs both duffles from the floor, one his and one yours, following your lead over to the elevators. The two of you stand and wait for the doors to open, the familiar ding alerting them to which one will be taking them up to their floor. When the doors slide apart, a large group of people started to spill out into the lobby. You step back to avoid a collision with a man not watching where he is walking, and Javier’s hand immediately finds your lower back to steady you. It lingers as the rush of people clears out — he makes no move to take it away until he guides you into the small square space, dropping his touch to press the button for your floor.

Once the two of you make it into the room, he sets your bags down on the desk and dresser, walking over to the thermostat to turn it down for you without a second thought.

“You remember,” you observe with a grin, rifling through your bag to find your toiletries and a change of clothes for dinner.

“Course I do, always had to have the air blasting in our apartment or the house. You never could sleep without a massive blanket and your toes under my legs. Never did understand your need to be freezing, always,” he chuckles at the memories of every night with you, until the separation when he was assigned to Bogotá.

“I dunno why either, just was always the most comfortable. Felt cozier, plus it always gave an excuse to cuddle.” Your giggle sends a tingle from his ears down the back of his neck and across his shoulders, a shudder easily blamed on the intense fans of the air-con.

“Go ahead and take the first shower, esposa. I’ll wait so that you can have more time to get ready and all that,” Javier crosses the room, saddling up next to you to rummage through his own weekender bag. In his periphery, he can see you flash a smile as you gather your things in one arm, using the free hand to brush across his shoulder blades when you walk behind him.

“Very kind, Jav. I’ll be quick, I promise.”

You stand in the doorway of the bathroom and he picks his head up, turning it to look at you. Head to toe, he scans you quickly before settling on your face, shaking his head.

“Take your time, amor. We both know I can be ready in ten minutes if I need to be,” he sends you a wink and half a smirk appears when you laugh, shutting the door behind you.

He hears the water run, kicking off his boots and sitting at the edge of the bed with an extensive sigh. Rubbing his eyes of exhaustion, he’s still for a moment. Shoulders drop, limbs feeling heavy as the day catches up with him. Moving, packing, even fighting with himself has drained him over the course of the day.

He loved spending time with his Liliana again, seeing her eager to walk the stage tomorrow and collect her diploma. And being around you again, drudging up all of the feelings and desires and words that he has tamped down for the last seven years. But it all comes with reminders of how absent he was, thousands of miles away, how undeserving he is of being welcomed back into the arms of you two, how his daughter was so proud, idolized him so much that she chose to study a major that puts her in the same field of work. He deserves distance from her, a cold shoulder from you — aloofness of some sort for the choice he made.

At least that’s what he’s told himself over and over for nearly the last decade. No matter how much you or Lili continually proved those thoughts wrong, they always came back.

He glances at his watch before standing and moving toward the bag again, hearing the water shut off and moving to grab his toiletries. Taking out the leather Dopp kit jostles something else in the bag loose, flinging it out onto the floor. Bending down with a sigh to retrieve it, he’s faced with the metal badge emblazoned with the DEA seal and ‘USA’ carved into it. It must have been in the bag from his plane ride earlier this week, and it serves as a blatant reminder of what he needs to talk to you about on this trip. What he needs to tell Liliana, too.

The badge gets thrown back into the bag and he walks toward the open bathroom door, stopping short within the threshold. You’re standing at the counter, products splayed around you to do your makeup. Even after living with you for 15 years, he barely has a clue what any of it does besides lipstick and mascara. He’d spent many mornings and evenings listening to you explaining your routine, but never quite getting down all the product names. There’s a pang in his chest, felt deep in the bones of his rib cage; the sight gives him major deja vu, nostalgia wavering over him. Even his subconscious longs for a time when you were his.

A humorous smile reflects back at him with your eyes glued to his in the mirror. Your fingers tap a rogue-colored product across your cheeks, giving you a bit of a brighter, subtly flushed look.

“Sorry, Jav, promise I’ll be out of here in like five minutes. I am trying to be quick.”

“Cálmate, amor. No hay prisa.There’s no rush, really…” he clears his throat, setting his toiletry bag down on an open space at the counter. He leans one hip against it, body facing you and studying the motions of painting your face while his mind works up the courage to bring up the pressing conversation.

“I, um, I actually have to tell you something.” His eyes cast down to the side, the grout of the tiles suddenly interested him.

“What is, Jav? You can tell me anything, you know that.” The compact in your hand is forgotten, clicked closed, and set down next to you as you mirror his stance. One hip against the counter, facing him.

“I know. I know. There’s just—It’s kind of a big thing and I wanted to tell you as soon as it all happened but I didn’t know how things would exactly shake out…”

“Javier. Take a breath,” you instruct him, hand against his chest with purposeful pressure, taking a deep inhale along with him and letting it out slowly. You don’t remove your hand, and he’s grateful for the gesture.

“I retired from the DEA two days ago. The morning before I left to come home. So, uh, I’m back at the ranch with Pop and I’ll be here now.” A mess of emotion comes out of his voice — fear, anxiety, relief, disappointment. Painfully, he drags his eyes up to your face, seeing your eyes wide with surprise and your brows relaxing from shooting up at the news. It’s an unreadable, unfamiliar expression; he watches as it all morphs behind your eyes before sympathy washes over every feature of yours, tender tone speaking up in the tiny bathroom.

“What happened?”

Everything was spilling out after that — information that was surely spreading across the US over the last 48 hours, not that he paid any attention to the news right now. Ambassador Crosby told him that he had won, that the Cali Godfathers would be locked up, at least for the foreseeable future. How dirty he felt when Crosby said the words, “You played the system like a goddamn fiddle…” The ledger proving the Colombian president’s campaign donations from the Cali cartel in exchange for immunity, the knowledge that the US government allowed all of it to occur, how he had spoken about it all to the reporter from El Tiempo.

“Javier, Jav, oh—I’m so proud of you.” The air is knocked him his lungs when the sound of those words reaches his ears, the next second being wrapped up in your tight embrace. It takes a moment to register your hug before he relaxes his weight against you, tension melting as you speak to him right next to his ear, “You told the truth. You helped every single Colombian citizen know what their government was doing to them. Just, holy shit, Javi. That’s fucking badass. I’m so, so proud of you, honey.”

Kindness, understanding, and comfort ooze around him and break down the stoicism that he’s been masked with for the last two days, tears welling in his eyes and spilling a few over that he quickly wipes away.

How can you always seem to find endless compassion for him? He’s just told you he quit his job with no real backup plan and all you said was how proud of him you are.

You’re a really good friend.

A great friend, actually.

Fuck, he is so in love with you still it hurts.

“Thank you…I don’t deserve your pride though, I did so many bad things,” his voice is hoarse on the last word, tightening his arms around you to quell his emotion.

“None of that, Jav. You uncovered a whole fucking…political scandal. Told people what their governments were doing. That’s honest; it’s ethical and respectable. You did the right thing, Jav.”

The last few words grow the lump in his throat, a slow nod against the side of your head. His lips brush your ear, confiding as if it is something he hasn’t said many times before, “Te quiero, amor.”

The smile is evident in your voice despite the fact that the hug keeps your face from his sight, and the saccharine sweetness of your voice sends his heart racing again, “Love you too, honey.”

At dinner, once there’d been a few drinks and some food served, Javier told Liliana the news he broke to you in your hotel bathroom. Albeit, it was an abridged version, details of his mistakes and pains of guilt left out for his precious daughter’s sake. She was eager to get out into the world and make a difference, and he had all the faith that she could, unlike him. He didn’t want his story to taint her view of what she was going to be able to achieve with her sheer determination.

He had that at one point. Probably lost it sometime in the last few years, slowly and then all at once when those tapes were found.

Liliana was understanding of her father resigning, chalking it up to his years down there catching up with him and teasing him for being an old man now. He took it gracefully, laughing along with the two of you and riffing on his own, with self-effacing jokes. As the conversation wrapped up, questions from Lili were answered by him — he was home, for good, living with Chucho and helping run the ranch. He would absolutely be around to help her get ready for her first day at work and help her move into her new apartment in San Antonio. And yes, he would be delighted to come over for dinner once or twice a week to spend some time with her, and you. Liliana had formulated the idea herself, earning a nod of approval from you and a warm invitation seconded.

After he accepted, Liliana changed the subject to rant about whoever the university had chosen for the commencement speech and how random of a choice it was. He listened intently, always hanging on every word from his Lili Pad, but he couldn’t help but be distracted by your hand coming to the place on his thigh closest to his knee, resting there for a moment before giving him a supportive squeeze. Nothing was spoken about the gesture, no looks were exchanged when your hand stayed there until the food came.

Sitting in the booth, observing and listening to his girls bounce back and forth in conversation, he finds the first moment of resounding comfort that he’s felt in seven years.

The last conversation he had with Spencer just days ago after the recent trial in D.C. rings in his mind, the two men standing at the displayed photos of Special Agents from the DEA.

He had asked Javier, “What else is a guy like you gonna do?”

At the time, Javier wasn’t too sure.

But now, with two of his favorite smiles beaming, one identical to his own, and the chorus of laughter that soundtracks his life, and his heart racing, the heart that bleeds for his family sitting here with him, he knows what he’s gonna do.

Be a father.

Be a partner.

Be a friend, a son, a lover, a teacher, a student, a listener, a provider, a protector.

Be everything he hasn’t been for nearly a decade.

He is going to be there for you two. No matter what.

The two of you are back in the hotel room, Liliana dropped off safely at her home and promptly reminded of the schedule for tomorrow. Javier threw her a, “Don’t be too hungover,” that you rolled your eyes at, the faintest of smiles on your face, knowing exactly how Javier was at his own graduation. You, unknowingly pregnant with Lili at the time, were feeling sick and extremely nervous to be seeing his parents the next day, so there was no drinking for you that night. The next morning you were rubbing his back as he threw up before dragging him into the shower and then dressing him like a doll.

He remembers the only thing he was thinking that morning was how much he loved you, how much he was going to miss you after moving home to Laredo to become a sheriff while you were finishing school the next year.

Life seemed so simple back then; only had to worry about visiting his girlfriend at the weekends, showing up for work on time, and taking care of his parents.

A few weeks later, you told him you were pregnant.

God, how fast was time moving? He feels like that was merely last year.

“Bathroom’s all yours, Jav.”

He looks up from his duffel to see you walking out in your pajamas, a smirk crossing his face at the faded Texas A&M shirt he recognized from his own closet from years before. With a nod to you, he unbuttons his shirt halfway before talking to you over his shoulder.

“I can take the floor, amor. You take the bed.”

A loud laugh from behind turns him around, and you look at him like he’s got about four heads.

“Javier Luis, you’re not going to be able to get up in the morning if you sleep on the floor, viejo. If it’s weird for you to sleep in the bed with me, I’ll be the one to take the floor.”

“No, you’re not. And it’s not weird for me, I just didn’t know if you would be comfortable with it.”

“Don’t know if you forgot, but we have slept in the same bed together before, Jav. It’s kind of how we have a daughter, you dork,” you snort and climb onto the plush mattress, slipping under the duvet and leaning up against the pillows.

“Hey, I was trying to be a gentleman, no need for the name-calling.”

“You are always a gentleman, hon, no need to try. Plus I have to call you names, who else will keep you humble?”

“Our daughter. That’s who. I think she’s worse than you with the jokes,” he laughs.

Your smile widens, laughing along with him and shrugging, “I wonder where she gets that from.”

A wink is sent his way, stirring his stomach before he clears his throat and nods to the bathroom, “Gonna get ready for bed, you all done in there?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go for it,” you wave toward the bathroom, grabbing your book from the nightstand.

Javier makes quick work of brushing his teeth and the rest of his night routine, avoiding his tired reflection before shutting the lights out and going back into the bedroom. Book still in your hand, he stands in his jeans again, rubbing the back of his neck. Without looking up you pat the spot next to you.

“I know you sleep in your boxers, just get in the damn bed.”

Ever since you became a mom, your power of reading his mind has gotten way too good.

Well, maybe it isn’t perfect cause if you could read his mind, you probably wouldn’t have suggested sharing a bed again with the amount of time he spends thinking about you.

“Sometimes it makes me mad how often you know what I’m going to say,” he grumbles and shucks off his jeans leaving them at the side of the bed and climbing under the covers. He stays comfortably at the side of the bed, sighing deeply as he closes his eyes. 

“Comes with experience.”

“Why can’t I do it for you then?” He opens his eyes and turns onto his side to look at you, “I’ve known you just as long as you’ve known me.”

The book in your hands is closed, and laid in your lap, looking down at Javier and shrugging, “You have your own way of it. I might know what you’re going to say, but you always anticipate everyone’s needs and you’re always one step ahead of me. I mean, you always see like four steps ahead. You saved Lili many broken bones at the playground growing up and you always used to be able to cheer me up and fix whatever was making me sad or angry before I really even knew what it was myself.”

A grin slowly pulls the corners of your lips apart, one of your hands reaching over to tap the top of his head. 

“Well, I quickly learned the signs of your hangriness. That was most often the reason you were upset,” he chuckles, one side of his mouth ticking up as he relaxes further into the bed.

Comfortable silence falls over the two of you as you read your book for a few more minutes, Javier lying next to you and trying, half-assed, to fall asleep. He really was just sneaking glances at you every time he adjusted positions, admiring the concentrated look on your face, engrossed in the story.

At one point, the book was shut for the night and set on the nightstand, the lamp clicked off and you relaxed back into bed. You turned on your side to face him, voice whisper quiet, “You asleep, Jav?”

He hums lowly, vibrations absorbed by the mattress before his eyes peel open and adjust to the darkness.

“Not yet. Qué pasa, amor?”

“Did you quit smoking?”

“Uh, I guess so, yeah. Why are you asking that now?”

“Just curious. I didn’t see you dip outside to smoke at all today and you got a non-smoking room, too. Very un-Javier.”

“Oh, is that all I am to you, esposa? A smoker?” He has a lilt of teasing in his voice, raising his eyebrows as you laugh faintly.

“Shut up, I didn’t say that.” There’s a gentle shove to his shoulder before your hands are back by you, tucked under your chin as you curl up again.

“I was going to congratulate you on quitting, but now I’m not sure if I want to, meanie.”

“You’re the one randomly questioning me about my habits! Meanie.”

“I am not a meanie, I had no bad intentions!”

“Sure, and what would you have said if I told you I didn’t quit?”

Javier gives you a satisfied smirk when you’re silent, shaking his head to himself.

“Knew it,” he rolls onto his back, hand resting on his stomach and turning his head to the side, “I quit ‘cause Lili called me before I came home and asked me to. She’s asked for a while, but I kept putting it off with the stress of work and everything. Thought now’s the time after I resigned.”

In the darkness, he suddenly feels your hand on his bicep closest to you, rubbing up and down slowly.

“You’re a good dad, Jav. The best. Glad you’re the one I got to have a kid with.”

If he says anything now, it will come out incoherent from the lump sitting in his throat. Instead, he hums in response, nothing else spoken until you’ve fallen asleep.

“I’m glad it was me, too.”

It is hot as fuck.

He’s trying so hard not to sweat his ass off while in the cattle of people funneling into the arena at this moment, attempting to keep his light beige button-up dry. He was going to wear his normal uniform of jeans and a short-sleeved shirt when he heard the weather report on the TV this morning, but your face when you saw him pull out navy slacks and his long-sleeved shirt that he packed, was too excitable and adorable to not wear anything else — “We’ll be matching! Our pictures will be so cute with Lili in her white dress.” Standing in your floral, mid-length navy dress, who was he to deny you those coordinated photos? 

Things had been much more…familiar since last night and this morning. It was the back and forth that was effortless, the fall into a perfectly choreographed routine — him anticipating your moves and you knowing what he was thinking before he could even ask a question. The close quarters of the shared room suddenly felt much too large to Javier; he was desperate for too small of space so he could stay close to you, but with 15 years of experience living together, and even longer dating, you moved too in sync with each other to collide.

He was close to you this morning, though, waking up at the sound of the alarm clock next to his side of the bed; his arm moved to shut it off, coasting along your hip and thigh before reaching behind him to stop the noise. A grumble from you pulled him back, positioning himself again on his side and adjusting the arm that ended up underneath your head, his chest enveloping your back when his other arm slung around your waist. If he closed his eyes, he could swear it was any other morning from before Colombia, stretching all the way back to his bed in his shitty college apartment that you tolerated spending nights in.

There isn’t a thing in this world he wouldn’t give to be able to have this wake up every day from now on.

He knows he needs to talk to you, to tell you all that he is feeling, but he can’t bring himself to do it now. Not before his daughter’s college graduation when the two of you are getting along like old friends. The peace shouldn’t be disrupted by you potentially rejecting him.

Which has brought him standing behind you in the crowd of parents and families, a hand on your lower back to keep a tab on you as everyone filters in through the doors. He keeps his eyes scanning out of habit, searching for a danger that surely isn’t there, while you chat away with Chucho walking directly next to you.

His attention is elsewhere, anxiety creeping into his bones at the masses gathering here, impossible to keep tabs on everyone. The three most important people to him are in this building, and he has no means to protect them if something happened—

No. Enough. This isn’t Colombia. There are no sicarios here.

It’s supposed to be an enjoyable day.

The thoughts circle in his mind as a mantra while the three of you find seats, Javier tailing with you in the middle of him and his father. You sit at the end of one row, holding the same order when you finally take your seats.

Smoothing your skirt, Javier watches as you turn to Chucho, giving him an update about something that was recently repaired in the house.

“Wait, you had to get a new water heater? Why didn’t you tell me you needed one?” he interjects with an edge, brow furrowing as he grills you.

“Jav, it was fine, Pops helped me call around for quotes and we found a good deal. It was solved in like two days. It didn’t seem like it was something I needed to make a long-distance phone call for,” you sigh defeatedly, leaning back and looking down at your nails, fidgeting with your fingers at his harshness.

Javier rolls his eyes, grumbling under his breath, “I should have known. Could’ve helped with it…Eres tan terca. Nunca pides ayuda, incluso si la necesitas. Terca. (You are so stubborn. You never ask for help, even if you need it. Stubborn.)”

Chucho stretches an arm behind your back, hitting his shoulders to sit up and addressing him with a stern tone.

“Mijo, no te pongas tan quisquilloso. Ella no quería preocuparte todo el camino allí abajo. Disculpas. (Son, don't be so oversensitive. She didn't want to worry you all the way down there. Apologize.)”

His jaw ticks to the side, sitting up straight, and shaking his head. With a sigh, he turns to you, leaning closer to speak without his father overhearing.

“I’m sorry, amor. I didn’t mean to be rude; I get frustrated not being around to help you with stuff like that. Shouldn’t have taken it out on you like that. ‘M glad Pop was there to help if I couldn’t.”

Your hand rests on his thigh, patting lovingly as you respond at the same level as him, “Next time, I’ll call you first, Jav. And then you can be the one to call Chucho for actual help.”

A smirk grows at your jest, and he falls back into his seat with a scoff.

“God, you are ruthless. Always with the jokes, esposa. Don’t know if I should be sticking around if it’ll be like this,” he chuckles, stretching an arm behind you and resting it on the back of your chair. 

“Yeah, yeah. We both know you’re gonna be around a lot more now.” His head snaps to the side to see you looking ahead with the faintest of smiles, biting back a much wider one as you lean back into his arm.

After a processional to Pomp and Circumstance, all three of you waving madly to Liliana when she spotted you in the crowd, the ceremony proceeds with little fanfare. Speeches are made, congratulations extended to all of the students from various faculty members and the special guest speaker. When it finally came time for conferring of degrees, Javier awaits the long line of A though O names. The three of you stand, watching the handful of students ahead of Lili cross the stage.

The dean of her college stands at the microphone, saying with a rehearsed smile, “Liliana Raquel Peña, Summa Cum Laude.”

At the announcement of her name and honors, the three of you erupt in cheers for the young woman crossing the stage. Javier whistles with his fingers, holding out the sound as long as he can before clapping his hands together wildly. Once Lili is descending the stairs and back to her seat, you all wave to her again as she beams up at you and shows off her diploma folder.

The moment he’s seated again, he turns his head to the side, seeing your faint tears streaking your face. On instinct, he reaches for your hand before he can second guess it and laces your fingers together with a gentle squeeze. A pitiful laugh slips out from you when you look back at him, a blubbering smile parting your lips.

Javier leans closer to you, centimeters from your ear to confide, “I think you did an amazing job raising our girl, amor. Thank you.”

In the back room of a local restaurant, the Peña extended family mills about, filling the room with sound from the music over the speakers and everyone chatting and catching up with each other — especially congratulating the guest of honor.

Aunts and uncles and cousins that were available have all flocked together to celebrate Liliana, and despite the overwhelming urge to Irish exit this party because of the constant comments and questions about Colombia, Javier is staying until you’re ready to leave. Which undoubtedly will be until the end of your reservation.

He sits at one of the tables pushed to the side of the room, sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms and crossing his limbs over his chest as he reclines in the wooden chair. Buttons of his shirt have been undone post-photos with the grad, the air conditioning cooling his sun-baked skin. His fingers can still feel the phantom of your linen dress, his hand affixed to your lower back in all of the photos taken.

Easily, with a quick scan of the room, he finds you talking to his mamá’s sister, Tia Rose. You’re smiling brightly, the crinkles at your eyes showing off your joy as his aunt surely is congratulating you or complimenting you on how you raised your daughter.

He really meant what he said at the ceremony. There is no way he could have done what you managed if you were the one to have left for work. You were a fucking hero to him, not himself. He’s been hearing it over and over every time he returns home — “You’re a hero, Javier.”

It’s complete bullshit.

His results were rigged, the system played him as much as he supposedly played it.

When he thinks about being a hero, he doesn’t think about anything close to what he’s done. He thinks about sacrifice, compassion, strength — you have it all. You’ve saved him from himself time and time again, and you’ve done it all while being a working mom and dealing with your partner, your co-parent, being thousands of miles away for years.

“Ay, mijo, estás tu cabeza en las nubes otra vez? (Son, is your head in the clouds again?)” Javier looks up to his right at the sound of his father’s voice, standing to offer him help into the chair next to him but waved off with a grumble from Chucho.

“Is it that easy to tell, Pop?” he asks, a half-hearted smile on his face as he retakes his seat.

“Eh, to me, yes. Probably to your girls, too, but I think anyone else would think you’re doing your sulky, pendejo act.”

“Pendejo act? Don’t think it’s an act at this point, Pop. Been feeling like one more and more.”

“Sí, y por qué es eso? (Yeah, and why is that?)”

“Estoy ausente (I’m absent.)”

“Dios, Javier…” his father sighs and shakes his head, turning his head to look at his son, “You are not absent. Quit telling yourself that, or you really are going to be. You’re home now, so be home.”

“It is a blessing to have Liliana at home for this summer, spend as much time as you can with her…And you know how I feel about mi nuera (my daughter-in-law).”

Javier sighs, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees and find you in the crowd again. As if you can sense his eyes on you, you turn toward him and give him a tender smile that quells his near constant nervous energy.

God, it’s unfair how beautiful you are.

And how kind, and forgiving, too.

This conversation is making him want a cigarette. Really bad.

Instead, he pulls the plastic packet out of his pocket, popping out another chiclet of gum and tossing it in his mouth.

He prepares for a lecture from his father; Chucho seems to know a lot more about you these days than Javier. Every week since he left for Colombia, you’ve gone over to Chucho’s house for dinner at least once. With Liliana away at school, you still went. It filled Javier’s heart with a syrupy, oozing warmth whenever he thought about the relationship you have with his father. How you 're always going to be family, a daughter to him, after your parents cut you off those twenty-something years ago.

“She’s still coming over every week, y’know. Didn’t seem to be doing too great until about two weeks ago. Came over after she received a phone call. Was all excited and basically bouncing off the walls. I asked her why, and she said she got some exciting news. You know what it was?”

“Qué?”

“You coming home. I think you called to confirm your flights with her, and she was just so excited, mijo. Cooked your favorite for dinner that night—“

“Pollo asado?”

“Sí, con mole.”

“Mierda, estoy celoso. (Shit, I’m jealous.)”

Chucho laughs from his belly, shaking a bit in the seat as he reaches up and adjusts his cowboy hat.

“It was delicious, as always,” Javier hums in acknowledgement before his father continues, “But I’m not telling you all of that just to tell you what I had for dinner. I’m telling you cause I need you to get your head out of your ass and talk to her. Anyone with eyes can see how in love with her you still are. I wanted you to know that there’s something there for her, too. Hazla mi nuera de verdad. (Make her my daughter-in-law for real.)”

“I’ll talk to her, Pop. Don’t need a wingman, so please don’t say anything to her. Please.”

Chucho stands and shrugs, nonchalantly closing with, “If you don’t do it soon, I’m taking matters into my own hands and telling her myself how lovesick you are. I will not make any promise I cannot keep, so you better keep that one if you don’t want me involved, mijo.”

Javier stays put as his father filters into the party-goers, shaking his head as he smiles to himself.

Maybe he does still have a chance.

The end of the night was fairly uneventful, everyone saying their goodbyes and final congratulations to Liliana. You insisted on helping to set the room up as you had all found it, correcting the tables and chairs back to their usual positions. When you were about to start taking dishes back to the kitchen, Lili rolled her eyes and walked out to the front of the restaurant while Javi grabbed you by your hips from behind and physically directed you out of the room.

“Jav, I feel bad, we made a mess! Let me help!”

“Esposa, you are wonderful and so sweet, I’m sure they appreciate your help. But this is a restaurant, cariño, and you don’t get paid to work here so I don’t think they’re gonna want to be liable for you,” he slides his hands up and down a few inches of your sides, dragging the fabric of your dress up and letting it fall back when he takes his hands off of your sides, placing one on your back.

Javier helps you into the cab of his truck, you taking the middle of the bench and Lili following into the passenger side to be able to get out easier. He drives over to Lili’s house, dropping her off with both of you giving massive hugs and final congrats for the day.

It was a quiet car ride to the hotel, but you ended up back in the middle seat closest to Javier, leaning your head on his shoulder.

Walking into the building, he bit the inside of his cheek as he brushed your hand with his, no recoil from his touch giving him the confidence to take your hand completely in his. Fingers intertwined as you both got in the elevator, tender, unspoken words in your eyes.

Now, Javier sits at the edge of the bed, a short plastic cup in his hand filled with half a mini bottle of champagne. There’s a matching cup in your hand, standing in front of him as he looks up at you with worshiping eyes.

“Cheers, Jav. Good on us for getting our kid through college,” you say with a smile, the sound of plastic crinkling in your hands following your little toast. Each of you takes a sip of the drink, Javier leaning around you to set his down on the desk. His hands move to hover at your waist, your permission granted with a small step to stand between his opened legs.

Javier’s calloused palms catch on your dress again, inching the fabric up as his tongue pokes out to wet his lips. He looks up at you while you return the stare down at him, your free hand finding the curls at the nape of his neck.

“Thank you, amor. For taking on so much more responsibility and shouldering the weight of raising Lili Pad in her teens, and getting her into a great school, and supporting her throughout these last four years when I couldn’t—

“Jav, it was both of us.”

“No, please let me give you the credit you deserve, esposa. You did it all without ever being angry with me, and you always supported me, too. And every time I’ve come back for a visit, you make it seem like I never left with how welcome you make me feel.”

“You’re always a part of our family, Jav. Always.”

He nods, feeling his chest tighten at your words, gripping you tighter as if you’re going to slip away, as if he’ll wake up and this whole trip will have been a dream, as if he will be stuck in Colombia, or forced to go back to the DEA and work in Mexico.

“Thank you, really, thank you for always making me feel a part of it all from so far away. All the photos, all the letters, the birthday cards, and care packages…You are a great mother, and an even better woman. So much better as a person than I ever could be, and I am so lucky that you chose me to have a kid with. Lili is incredible because she’s part of you. Thank you, amor, you have given me a life I don’t think I deserve.”

His head drops, tugging you closer to rest his forehead against your stomach. Silence blankets the room, your fingers running through his hair soothingly. After a moment, you take his chin between your index and thumb, turning his head up to look at you again.

Javier wants so badly to be able to read your mind right in that second, the look in your eyes puzzling him. As he opens his mouth to say something, anything, to fill the air, you’re folding forward and catching his lips in a kiss. It’s light, too faint for his needs, and you’re pulling away much too quickly. His spine elongates, chasing your mouth before you can get too far and locking you in a breathless exchange.

His hands paw at your sides, a desperate attempt being made to pull you as close as possible while also running his hands along your curves. In the surprise of it all, getting lost in his lips, you drop the cup in your hand. Champagne splashes onto your feet, ignored as Javier lifts your mid-length dress to your hips, climbing back on the bed and pulling you over him without breaking your kiss.

Your knees cage his thighs in, settling on his lap as he slots his lips around your bottom one, tracing along it with his tongue. Parting with a gasp, your mouth opens to let him in, melding your tongues together. A whimper escapes from you when he tugs you further onto his lap, feeling his bulge in his slacks press against your core.

Javier pulls away from your lips, dragging his nose along your cheek and leaving a trail of wet, open mouth kisses along your jaw. At the spot on your neck close to your ear, he sucks a mark, smirking against your skin when your back arches and squeezes your chest against his.

“Fuck, Jav…” you sigh, fingers tangling into his hair.

He hums against your skin, pulling away and kissing under your chin.

“You’re so beautiful, amor. I missed you so fucking much. Thought about you all the time.”

“Yeah? What did you think about?” Your voice is  shaky when Javi drops his hands to your hips, starting to drag them back and forth against his cock straining against his zipper. 

“Mm, thought about how good you smell all the time, how sweet you taste…how much I miss having you in my bed every night. Being able to have you when I need you,” a groan slips from his mouth at your moan, moving your hips faster the more he talks, “I thought about how fucking stupid I was to leave someone like you behind. Mi vida, la luz de mi vida (My life, the light of my life)…felt like I left half of my soul when I went away.”

From above, you lean down to catch him in a passionate kiss, breathy exhales and muffled moans exchanged while your fingers work as the buttons on his shirt. Javier leans forward, shrugging off the materials before his arms are around you again, snaking around your back to grip your ass.

“Jav, I missed you so much. Never felt the same, there was always something missing…I always needed you. I always need you.”

“Mi amor, lo siento (My love, I’m sorry). I’m here now. Never leaving again.” His hands roam to your sides, finding the zipper of your dress on his left and pulling it down. He bunches the skirt of it in his hands and slowly takes it off over your head; he’s faced with you sitting in his lap, no bra and only panties on.

As if magnetic, his hands fly right back to your sides, skimming up until his thumbs lay under your breasts, fingers splayed along your rib cage.

“You’re so beautiful, mi amor, so fucking beautiful. Can I make you feel good, baby?”

“Please, Jav, need you so bad.”

“Oh, baby, mi esposa, I’ve got you. Get on your back, cariño.”

Javier watches as you move off of him and fall back onto the bed, the plush duvet sinking underneath you and pillowing out at your sides.

An angel in the clouds.

No more time is wasted as he tugs you to the edge of the bed, kneeling on the floor and booting your legs over his shoulder to open you up.

“Wait, Jav, here.” You twist to the side and stretch to reach for one of the pillows, giving it to him with a thoughtful smile.

“For your knees, viejo. Not a twenty year old athlete anymore, hon.”

Javier rolls his eyes and moves to kneel on the pillow, already feeling better in his joints from the cushion. He wraps his arms around your thighs and nips close to your panties, rolling out a groan.

“Sometimes, I hate when you’re right.”

“That’s ‘cause you always have to be right, Peña. It’s always been th—“ you trail off into a moan when his fingers prod through your wetness, one hand hooking your underwear to the side.

“I don’t always have to be right, esposa. You know you’re the boss out of the two of us,” he winks before he tugs your panties off of your legs, settling back between your legs.

You nod, sitting up and leaning your weight on one arm to look down at him.

“Mhm, glad y’know your place still, Jav,” you tease as your other hand pushes his hair away from his forehead, a smirk mirrored onto his face, “Make me come, mi esposo.”

You can see his eyes darken, breaths shallowing. Feather light kisses scatter across your inner thighs until he reaches your core, pursing his lips and blowing cool air against your wetness.

“Fuck, cariño, guess you did really miss me. So fucking wet. All for me?”

“Javi,” you whine, scooting your hips closer to him, “Please, need you.”

“I know, baby, I know. I can see how much you need me.” He licks one long stripe from your tightest hole to your clit, groaning at the taste of you. “You want me to play with your sweet pussy, mi amor? Make you feel so good?”

“Please, please, Jav.”

He soothes you with circles on your lower stomach, nodding as he lays his head on your thigh, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ve got you.”

Before you can beg out a response, his lips are attached to your clit, sucking hard before laying his tongue flat against it, moving slow circles around.

His muscle memory guides him to fall into the pattern that he memorized to get you off with his mouth and fingers, pushing one of his thick fingers inside of your cunt knuckle deep and stroking against that same spot he knows drives you wild.

Your back arches off the bed, pressing your clit into his tongue harder. He slurps up your wetness, sighing at your familiar taste that he missed so much. Another finger is added, the rhythm of their thrusts building up faster and faster. Right at the edge, your fingers tangled in his hair tugging hard, he switches positions, tongue plunging inside of you and fingers rubbing quick circles into your clit. Before you can even register, you're coming around his mouth, flooding his tongue and his lips.

“Javi, oh my god, fuck me…”

He leads you through the orgasm, pulling away with a boyish smirk.

“That’s kind of the plan, hermosa. Gonna fuck you.”

You roll your eyes, beckoning him to stand up. Sitting up fully, you strip him of his slacks and boxers, briefly taking him in your mouth before he’s pulling you off of him and pushing you further up the bed. Climbing over you, a heady kiss is shared as he settles between your legs. In the moment, you easily get him onto his back, moving to straddle him as he looks up at you breathless. Large hands hold tightly to your thighs, jaw dropping as you grab his hard cock and easily slip him inside of you, sinking down until he’s full hilt.

“Fucking Christ, amor. Take my cock so well, show me what you can do.”

Your hips find a slow, aching rhythm that makes you both breathless. As you continue to grind yourself around him, you lean forward and press yourself against his torso, skin sticking to skin.

“Jav—Javier, you are such a good man. I never doubted how much you loved me. How much you do love me,” you breathe out, hips faltering for a moment before you recover.

 “You were always there for us, and I’m so proud of you for going after what you wanted. Making the world a better place…” you move your hips slowly as you ride him, leaning down to press your foreheads together, stuttering but managing to get the words out for him, “You are a great man and an even better father. I couldn’t have chosen a better partner. I love you.”

Javier whimpers and stutters out a moan when you move your hips faster, your hand on his chin keeping his forehead against you. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before opening them, facing you and him whispering back, “Te amo, te amo, te amo. I love you so much, mi esposa. Mi amor. Te amo siempre.”

The sound that leaves you at that moment, hearing his proclamations of love, flips a switch inside of him. The primal need to make you his again, completely. His arm around your hips grips you tighter, feet planted on the mattress behind you. He uses the leverage to meet your rhythm with his own thrusts, sweet sounds slipping from your lips egging him on.

Your nails dig into his shoulders and he looks up at you in awe as you arch your back, head falling to the side as your face scrunches up in pleasure.

“Oh, fuck yes, yeah. Right there, ohmygod, papí…”

“Fuck, that’s right, baby,” he says in a drawn out exhale, hammering his hips up into you, “Say it again, mi amor. Say it again.”

“Papí—Feels so good, papí.”

“Yeah? Haven’t heard that one in a while, baby. Love it coming from you, say it again. Please, baby. Por favor.”

“Papí, papí, papí…Harder, please, want it harder.”

“Anything for you, mi amor. I’ll give you anything you want. Fuck this pussy however you want it, whenever you want me.”

One of your hands drops from his shoulder to the mattress, bracing yourself from his unrelenting pace. You’re a whining mess, opening your eyes and looking down at him under you, sweaty and glistening with his wild hair and mustache shiny from your come. Javier rumbles a loud moan of your name, on the verge of a growl when he feels you clench around his cock. 

“Come for me, mi esposa. Let me feel you…” he pulls you flush against him as he fucks up into you, lips brushing your ear as he whispers, “Te amo, mi esposa, te amo. I love you. Love you so much.”

“Pa—Papí, fuck! Oh my god, Javi!” Your head rolls back as you come around him, bounces faltering as you slip against his chest like jelly.

“Fuck, baby, gonna fill you up. You want me inside you all night, mi amor? Want me to make you full of me again?” His lips brush against your ear, whimper and nod in response.

“Yes, yes please, papí. Want you inside.”

“Fuck yes, mi amor. One more time for me, say it one more time.”

“Come inside me…please come for me, papí.”

A moan stutters in his throat as he buries himself fully in you, twitching with each rope he spends. Grip tightening around you, he stays inside of you as he kisses you deeply, pulling away to brush your hair away from your face.

“You have no idea how long I have been wanting to do that again, mi esposa. Te amo, hermosa. I love you.”

“I love you too, Jav. Missed you,” your head lays on his chest, sigh warming his sweaty skin, “Will you be around when we’re home or—“

“Mi amor, you’re gonna have a hard time keeping me away from you and Lili now. I wanna spend every moment I can with you both. My girls.”

It’s a Sunday evening at the Peña ranch, a few weeks after Lili’s graduation. You and her have come over to Chucho’s house for dinner, Javier already there from working the day with his father. He’s mostly over at yours in the evenings, coming over to spend time with Lili, and you, staying for dinner, having movie nights, grilling out. He’s been basking in the slow life, the life of a father that he’s been so desperately craving. It’s been an itch like he has for a cigarette, finally taking an inhale and his nerves melting away as he adjusted to a balance with you two.

Tonight, however, Chucho insisted that you and he keep your weekly get-togethers, despite Javi being home for good now, and the four of you have had dinner around the cozy dining table off of the kitchen. Javier is gathering the dinner plates, Liliana standing to help him clean up.

“Anyone want any dessert? What d’ya have here, Pop?” he looks between his father and you, awaiting an answer.

Before Chucho can say anything, you sit up with a quiet gasp, “Oh, do you have any mangoes, Chuch? I really would love some mango with Tajín. Or some strawberries with honey. Or both.”

You grin up at Javier and he laughs, nodding his head.

“I’ll see what I can do, amor.”

“Y’know, mija, my Lucia always had mangoes around the house when she was pregnant with Javi. She would slice them up and put so much Chamoy and Tajín, you could barely see that it was a mango underneath it all.”

“That honestly sounds perfect right now, I bet Lucia made some kickass mangonadas, too,” you laugh softly, looking up behind you as Javi squeezes your shoulder lovingly.

“Oh, she definitely did. Whole family begged her to make them every time we all got together,” Chucho belly laughs fondly at the memories, nodding to himself, “We thought for the longest time that we were going to have a girl. All Lucia craved were sweets or fruits, and there’s some old wives tale, una fábula, that if your cravings are sweet, it is a girl, and if they’re savory, it’s a boy.”

“Huh, how funny. Guess thinking back, I did crave a lot of chocolate ice cream with Lili.”

“Oh god, I remember being kicked in the middle of the night and having to go to the town over cause they had a 24-hour gas station just to get you some Ben & Jerry’s,” Javier laughs, kissing the top of your head as you shrug.

“And now look, you’ve got the sweetest daughter to ever exist. All thanks to me,” you grin, sending Javi a wink as he finishes gathering the dishes from the table.

He sees his father smiling to himself as Chucho leans back in his chair, Javier retreating to the kitchen to find something for dessert for you while Lili washes up and the two of you at the table strike up some conversation.

Later that week, you gave Javi a call and asked him to come over after he was done on the ranch. He agreed immediately, of course, and couldn’t fight the buzzing excitement he felt to see you again. It took him back to those days before Lili, before the two of you were ever really anything, you calling and asking him over to your dorm room or your apartment. He felt like a giddy teenager again.

He showered quickly and changed before heading over to yours, parking in the driveway of your small three bed house he had bought for you all. At the door, he knocked before using his key to get inside, calling out to you.

“Amor? Lili Pad? Anybody home?”

The pad of footsteps on the tile floors catch his attention, a smile stretching across his face as you come around the corner into the entryway. He kicks off his boots before meeting you in the middle, arms wrapping around you and holding you tightly to his chest. He sighs an exhale, relaxing around your warmth.

“Long day, Jav?”

“You have no idea, mi amor. Had to chase a fucking bull that got loose in the pastures when we were trying to corral all of ‘em. My ass is hurting from having to ride the horse so much.”

You laugh into his chest, pressing a kiss to his shirt before leaning back to look at his face, “Oh your poor butt. You wanna sit on the couch then?��

He hums in confirmation, kissing the top of your head before you lead him into the living room and let him flop down on the sofa.

“Where’s Lili Pad?”

“Oh, um, she’s out with friends tonight. Thought it could be just us…” You join him, sitting with a couple of feet between you two. He can see how tense you are, sitting up straight, fiddling with your fingers, placing a pillow in your lap. Extending an arm out, he holds his hand palm up for you to take.

“I’m more than okay with just us, cariño. What’s going on with you? You seem anxious. Everything at work okay? Everything okay with Lili?” He rubs his thumb across your knuckles after you take his hand, brows knitting with concern.

“Yeah, yeah. Everything is great with Lili. And work is, well, work. No complaints…” your eyes stay trained on your hands together, swallowing before you speak up again, “I actually think it would be easier to show you.”

He feels even more concerned and confused as you stand up, disappearing out of the room for a moment before coming back with a hand behind your back. You don’t sit again, opting to stand in front of him; you bring your hand forward, passing the object to him.

It takes him a minute to register what it is, the last time he saw one this up close being about twenty something years ago.

A pregnancy test.

A positive pregnancy test.

Positive.

“Think we could do as good a second time around?”

You’re pregnant.

He’s going to be a dad again?

He’s going to be a dad again, with you?

He’s going to be a dad again. He gets to have another child with you.

His heart is beating out of his chest, mouth dropped open with no words coming out.

A shake of his head knocks him out of the shock, setting the test to the side and looking up at you with welling eyes.

“I get to be a papá again? With you, mi amor?”

A beaming smile widens on your face, your hands finding the sides of his head as you nod down at him.

“Yeah, honey, you’re going to be a dad, again. Lili’s gonna have a little brother or sister. Much, much younger,” you say with a chuckle.

Javier laughs a little breathless, eyes flickering between your face and your stomach that is eye level with him.

“Oh my god, oh my god, mi amor—Te amo, te amo siempre,” His hand finds her tummy, roaming around in circles, attempting to feel the familiar bump or any side of his baby growing inside there. Soft kisses litter your torso as he pulls you closer, resting his forehead against your ribs.

“I love you too, Jav,” you push back his hair and he stares up at you in wonder, pulling you gently to sit in his lap, “Do you…I mean, I want you to come home. Maybe we can actually get married this time. Have the family life with Lili and the little baby. I know we used to just joke about our fake city hall marriage, but I’ve always wanted that with you, Jav.”

A soft, tender kiss is shared, the two of you holding onto each other. One of Javier’s hands rests on your stomach, his heart already completely overflowing with love for the person growing inside of you. It’s quiet for a moment, both of you sitting with each other in silence. With another kiss, Javi hugs you, your head resting on his shoulder as he whispers in your ear.

“Graciás, mi amor. Thank you — for never giving up on our family. On me. Thank you for giving me everything I could have ever dreamed of. I can’t wait to have another baby with you, they’re gonna be as perfect as you, and Lili. My girls. Te amo, mi esposa, te amo siempre.”

javi's photo board in colombia <3

tagging mutuals that might be interested??

@northernbluess @swiftispunk @johnwatsn @cannolighost @joelsversion @cupofjoel @darkroastjoel @atinylittlepain @beskarandblasters @wannab-urs @jksprincess10 @bearsbeetsbeskar @smokeinherperfume @thetriumphantpanda @atticrissfinch @perotovar @mrsquill @javiscigarette @yazsos @deathwife @pr0ximamidnight @undrthelights @lunapascal @ladamedusoif @haylzcyon

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[adhdepression]

✨ I am 11 days sober ✨

Good morning everyone, I just thought I would keep my blog updated and announce that I am 11 days sober today, free of weed and nicotine.

My sleep is still disturbed (that's expected as I recently was diagnosed with combined type ADHD) I used weed for many reasons and sleep was a biiig one.

Things I've noticed the most? I have a completely different outlook on life this time whilst trying to quit, I know that the correct diagnosis and medication is what is helping me do this off my own back. I've been able to do a few more things for myself like book appointments, answer phone when it rings, harder workouts, retaining information, I've only cried once the other night I got a bit emotional but allowed myself to cry for a minute or 5, feel the emotion, process it and move on. My skin feels smoother, my tongue is PINK (if that makes sense lol) and I can smell things I couldn't before.

I'm excited to hit 14 days and can not wait to get to 28 (apparently withdrawal symptoms will be gone then).

At times I crave something because of old routine, yesterday I had an appointment I would have loved nothing more than a joint after to calm me down because I was a little hyper and wanted to talk about it for hours but instead I owned it, I got things off my chest and talk to myself or even ignore the cravings. I do have a nicorette inhaler which is helpful for those times. One day I may have none of the inhaler, another I may use it 3 times (always going outside so it doesn't become a new bad habit).

I hope everyone has a good day ✨

#adhd #addiction #mental health #awareness #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #sober #love #inspiration #quote

[sailorsenshishitposter]

nico nico ni

Nico

Your favorite Spongebob character is Sandy Cheeks. You also have the best taste in waifus.

First Date:

Nico has repainted her van to resemble the Mystery Mobile from Scooby Doo and picks you up so she can take you to her place. Since she is only permitted to live in Nero's garage, this is where the two of you will be staying. Nico lights her blunt and you both get high. Smoking weed on top of inhaling paint fumes from the work bench has left you disoriented.

Nico pulls out a large bean bag chair for you to rest in while she fiddles around with her Shrek CRT and her Mickey Mouse DVD player. She pops in a disc of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and presses play. You glance towards your right to see that this woman has copies of Initial D which explains her driving skills. You look at her longingly and say "I love you Nicorette" and begin to play tonsil hockey.

#dmc nico #nico x reader #shitpost #mystery machine #Getting high and watching athf #devil may cry #dmc5

[sierra6x]

------WITH REGARD TO ORAL FIXATION.

six is almost always chewing gum or toothpicks in some fashion. he'll do the former right up until he's required to be significantly more physical (and that's because he's too smart to accidentally inhale his gum while he's fighting and die to that). the oral fixation is something that started shortly after his 5+ year stint in the florida state penitentiary.

of course, most inmates smoke. they trade cigarettes for things as currency in lieu of actual cash. six was no different from any other inmate in that regard. it's part of the reason that fitz was able to use the bubblicious to actually chat with him when they first met. when you have nothing better to do than follow your mandatory schedule and smoke cigarettes, it's pretty easy to translate that into an oral fixation after the fact.

six hasn't smoked since he was in prison, so that's over 20 years, and really he has no inclination to do so. but he's always got gum on him in some form, and he always has to chew on something. while the urge to smoke isn't really present anymore, it's ingrained in him by now to need to chew on something, and initially gum was the replacement for smoking.

especially because they really don't offer nicorette or nicotine patches on dark sites where they're training you to be an efficient and ruthless weapon.

so where once it was a cure for nicotine cravings, now it's familiar and one of his actual noted habits. he switches between which flavors and brands of gum he enjoys occasionally.

and when he offers you a piece it's a sort of bonding ritual, but that's another headcanon for another day.

#ix. meta

[abigailjohn2023]

 Could it be said that you are Searching For Quit Smoking Guides?

Have you chosen to stop smoking? Did you additionally settle on such choice before? Is the current choice to stop smoking the last one or contingent? Have you understood that it is to your greatest advantage to stop smoking and that you are not obliging any other person? Is it true that you are mulling over to take to any of the quit smoking guides?sigarette elettroniche usa e getta svapopiu

Reconsider. If, even now, you feel that smoking guide is a panacea, you are off base once more! The resolution of an individual is preeminent, and one without the second! To such a man of steely assurance, all smoking guides are garbage!

Any new industry that is begun, is obviously not begun determined to shut down. Stop Smoking Guides industry additionally implies something similar! With the cosmic expansion in the quantity of smokers, the quantity of those needing to stop it, is likewise on the increment! The highlight be noted here is that stopped smoking items are responsive items. Assuming the best of all worlds, when no smokers are left on the essence of this world, what will the Quit Smoking Guides will do? We don't have any idea, yet assuming we investigate their current way of working, they believe that we should accept that it is difficult to stop smoking, without their all around promoted helps!

For each item that turns out on the lookout, there is an examination lab and a group of researchers to back up. Indeed, what is the other option? The objective human psyche won't trust any tall tales, with respect to stopping smoking. They need confirmation for everything. Yet, let us not lose ourselves in logical gibberish too! The makers of such items have nearly failed to remember why such items were at first sent off by any means!

By the by, on the off chance that we go into a genuine request about these Quit Smoking Guides, observe the accompanying items, which have gotten the creative mind of the supporting local area. They are:

1.Nico Fix

2.Final Smoke

3.Habitrol

4.Nicoderm CQ

5.Nicorette

There are assortments and classes of stopped smoking guides. Allegedly, their capability is obvious and secretive both. They are: books and magazines, cigarette alteration items, video tapes, sound tapes, thought evolving items, electronic and PC items, smoke and smell evacuation things, no smoking signs and considerably more.

Non-nicotine based quit smoking guides are: nicotine fix, gums, inhaler, nasal shower and nicotine tablets. There are additionally home grown quit smoking guides. Smokeless cigarette is one of them. It supposedly helps stopping. Numerous such items guarantee smoking end, zero desires with 'assurance' of no backslide. Eventually, the main item that has the ability to outmaneuver this large number of helps, is inside your own heart! Have a will to outgrow this smoking propensity and develop your will!

[amber-obrien]

How can Nicorette gum's fresh mint flavor aid in quitting smoking?

A. Nicorette chewing gum, a gum containing nicotine is an essential tool for helping people give up smoking. This product aims to address the psychological and physical aspects of nicotine addiction.It offers a regulated and lowered quantity of nicotine, which can alleviate the withdrawal symptoms that frequently make stopping smoking difficult. The addictive ingredient in cigarettes, nicotine, causes the body to wish to stop smoking. Nicorette Freshmint gum allows people to squelch their cravings without inhaling dangerous tar or tobacco smoke, allowing them to gradually cut back on their nicotine intake without endangering their fundamental physiological dependency.

The act of chewing Nicorette Gum containing peppermint extract can imitate some of the smoking-related behaviors, which can help break the habit of reaching for a cigarette every time. This helps users manage the shift to a smoke-free life by allowing them to focus on treating the behavioral and psychological aspects of their smoking issue. The success of nicotine chewing gum is also largely due to its portability and discretion. Users can discreetly chew on a piece of Nicorette Freshmint gum to replace smoking in areas where it is not permitted.

[pharmazondirect]

Cheapest Nicorette Inhalator | Dual Action Antiseptic Throat Lozenges

Cheapest Nicorette Inhalator products on Pharmazon Direct and find the right result to help you quit smoking. Our Dual Action Antiseptic Throat Lozenges, goo, tablets, inhaler, and patches are designed to reduce jones and pullout symptoms associated with quitting smoking. Protect now and take the first step towards a healthier life.

#dual_action_antiseptic_throat_lozenges #galpharm_nicotine_gum #galpharm_nicotine_replace_gum #nicorette_microtab #nicorette_quickmist_duo #nicorette_microtab_2mg #mac_dual_action_lozenges_reviews

[hansoulo]

partial to the cavatina pt. 3 - (people and places)

Pairing: Javier Peña/f!Reader 

Warnings: cursing, spoilers for season 3 ep 2, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts

Word Count: like 1.17k soz the next one is gonna be a lot longer

Gif Credit: .....me  🤡🤡

A/N: if the tags for this don’t work i’m literally going to scream

part one  part two  playlist

The weather was miserable as Javier took a drag of his cigarette, holding the smoke in until it welled up in his chest and burned his throat. “Nice to see you again, Miss Alvarez.” Lie number one.

She faced back towards the street overlooking the Embassy. “Carolina, please.”

He cocked his head, not meeting her eyes. “Carolina.”

“I’m not here to interrogate you again, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“It’s not.” Lie number two.

Carolina let out an amused breath, the sound at odds with the tension thick between them. “Todo lo que quiero es un cigarrillo.” Javier obliged, silent as the roll of the lighter dragged against his thumb with a soft click. Nodding at her thanks, he tucked the paper carton back into his suit jacket. They stood like that for a minute or two, inhaling their respective cancers in the transient break. Then he saw you.

You looked a bit frazzled, quick strides down cracked cobblestone echoing faint with each step. A little girl was beside you - she couldn’t have been more than eight or nine- dwarfed by a backpack that was almost comically large compared to her small frame. Workbooks, thick and stuffed with loose papers, were clutched to your chest as you attempted to lead her down the street. He really, really hoped she was your student. Not a kid. Not your kid. You didn’t have any kids, right? Right.

Javier caught your eye a moment later, his expression softening a bit when  you shot him an apologetic smile. You tried to wave without dropping anything, weight teetering dangerously for a second before you righted yourself with a small chuckle. You were wearing black dress pants and a formal top that did absolutely nothing for your figure, but he still felt his chest seizing up, tightening with a tiny, imperceptible squeeze that fluttered like cello strings. He hadn’t seen you since you went to dinner (a week ago exactly - not that he was counting), both of you too busy to do much else except leave hasty messages on answering machines. 

Carolina turned, curious as she exhaled a thin column of smoke. “Do you know her?”

Yeah. He did. Javier  didn’t want her to know that, though. You weren’t a part of all this- this shit. You weren’t involved in Cali or chlorine gas or journalists or drugs. You were just… you. Lovely and loud and far-removed. He wanted to keep it that way.

“No,” he rasped out. “No, I don’t.” Lie number three.

She hummed, holding the cigarette between her fingers with a raised eyebrow.  Your attention had already been drawn back to the little girl - her fast chatter of accented English carrying over the asphalt - thankfully oblivious to being the subject of any conversation.

“She’s pretty,” Carolina observed. “Doesn’t seem like your type, though.”

He scoffed and put his cigarette out, its crumbling ash compacting underneath the heel of his shoe. “No comment.”

--------------

Javier wanted to die.

Well, not die. He wasn’t suicidal. If he could just maybe… stop existing. Just sort of fade into something non-conscious that didn’t have to deal with all the mess he’d dug himself into and couldn’t crawl out of. Steve wasn’t around anymore. Javier didn’t blame him.

He honestly didn’t know why he was still down here. Why he’d ever come in the first place, besides anger he didn’t know how to deal with and a weird, twisted wanderlust that could never be quelled no matter where he was. He’d spent his whole life running from things, trying to just get out and get away before the novelty of wherever he ended up wore off. There was really nothing keeping him in Colombia - with its gunshots and questions and deepening scowls - besides his own stubbornness to see it all through. What it was and when it would end, Javier didn’t really know.

He was just tired. Vices called, whispers of liquor voices and red lips that only told him what he wanted to hear, but he didn’t want to listen. The whiskey and women could only do so much and after a while, you get numb. Hunched over.

Then you came along, quick to smile and even quicker to laugh in a way that was infectious, growing on him like some sort of weird, positive parasite. That’s called a friend, you fuckhead, Javier thought to himself. Hopefully more than that. He really wanted you to be more than that.

And he knew you weren’t going to fix everything. He wasn’t stupid. You weren’t some angel sent to find some broken man and make him whole, some called-down messiah without flaw. If he was being honest, Javier found the whole concept of soulmates a bit ridiculous. The idea that someone was just supposed to complete you, to become the air you breathed. That sounded parasitic.

You were your own person, with a life that you would keep living even if he wasn’t in it - but he could still try to stay. Be someone better. Someone who wasn’t cruel or brooding, who didn’t drown themselves in things to feel less hollow. Someone who laughed, actually laughed until his stomach cramped and his cheeks hurt. Someone who was the reason you smiled. Someone who deserved to see it.

Maybe he should try the whole Nicorette thing.

--------------

“Hey!” you called out, running a bit to catch up with him. The market was crowded, throngs of people packed into narrow walkways all trying to avoid baskets and blankets and feet.”I’m sorry about yesterday. It’s just,  you looked busy and I was a bit preoccupied so I didn’t wanna-”

“It’s okay,” Javier assured you, slowing in his stride until you were shoulder to shoulder. “You looked like you had your hands full.”

Another laugh. You always seemed to be laughing. “Yeah,” you said. “We were coming back from a field trip but she got a bit lost, so…”

“Where to?” he asked as he moved to take the groceries from your arms. You didn’t have a chance to protest before the weight of the straps digging into your hands was lifted, his movements careful as to not hit anyone walking beside you.

“Thanks,” you smiled. “Cerro de Monserrate, actually.” For all the years he’d been down in Colombia, Javier couldn’t remember going there. Or anywhere, really, that wasn’t the Embassy or field work or shitty dive bars.

“I’ve never been,” he admitted as you neared the end of the market.

“Really?” you turned to him with wide eyes. “It’s beautiful, Javi. You should go.”

Javi. No one had called him that in what felt like ages. It was always Javier or sir or Peña, clipped and impersonal. Never Javi. He liked the way you made it sound - a little breathy, young and alive and washing soft velvet over the air between your bodies. He could hear you say it over and over.

He moved a little closer. “You should take me.”

translation: “Todo lo que quiero es un cigarrillo.” - “All I want is a cigarette.”

permanent: @ah-callie @itzagoodthing @spookypym @opheliaelysia @watsonwise @damndamer0n @amarvelousmandalorian @bunnyart-blog @agirllovespasta @pascalispedro @pascalplease @coffeencontemplation @chelsfic @lesqui @javierpenaspinkshirt​ @symbiont13 @glowingpena @squidlywiddly87 @1zashreena1 @hiscyarika @lostingoogletranslate @keeper0fthestars @bobafvtt @halfwaythereroyal @starwarsiscooliguess @huliabitch​

partial to the cavatina: @longitud-de-onda @way-too-addicted-to-anime​

part four

#literally no one is online rn but idc i just want it out of my drafts asfgsahdjs #javier peña #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña x you #pedro pascal fanfiction #narcos fanfiction #narcos tv show

[oysterfold55]

Why Vape Should Be the Initially Option For Quitters Almost everywhere

So you should understand how to select a Vape, Vapour Vaporizer or other sort of vaporizer? Nicely, it's not as basic as it might seem. You certainly have to take time to discover the different kinds of vapours and how each one operates before you can select a Vape on your own. Vapour shops are a fantastic place to acquire new Vape products. They also offer totally free examples and bins of vapours in order to try them out before buying them. You should take advantage of this whilst you're at it. Vape advantages certainly are a significant promoting stage for any kind of vaporizer. directory These advantages consist of but aren't limited to: Lowered or eradicated risky health risks related to smoking cigarettes: This is certainly just about the most popular advantages that individuals state they get from using vapours. Vaping is credited with helping reduce and even eradicate smoking cigarettes among non-tobacco users. This can be due to the fact smokers who used it to help them quit smoking will usually keep coming back and smoke a lot less due to adverse reactions. The same happens when an ex-smoker employs Vape. He no more seems the standard urges and lacks individuals withdrawal symptoms. There is certainly even Vape Benefits which helps tobacco users stop smoking normally. Cheaper likelihood of heart attacks: People who smoke that were long-term tobacco users are in fact more likely to develop heart attacks or hypertension. People who only occasionally cigarette smoke aren't at risk of establishing these circumstances both. Vaping allows you to have more healthy respiratory system through the elimination of each of the hazardous gases present in cigs. Additionally, you will have significantly less physique discomfort than if you light up. Vapour goods give a amazing experience without leading to discomfort. This really is a large advantage in comparison to other methods of stopping smoking like areas, gums, inhalers, lozenges and so on. You can forget tonsils struck: Previously, many cigarette smokers are finding themselves encountering tonsils struck following every puff. Vaping has helped decrease this throat strike drastically. Some Vape end users have observed decreased neck success after just one single time of making use of Vape. The e-liquid in Vape helps give your neck time for you to get used to the new throat hit, and you also won't experience it once again. It is definitely that simple. Nicorette free of charge e-liquefied: Vape is totally nicotine free. If you suffer from pure nicotine dependency, or are an occasional tobacco user, this is definitely for you. Nicotine is incredibly harmful to your health, particularly if you're not really around it. Vaping will allow you to still satisfy your nicotine requires, while getting rid of hazardous elements out of your physique. No longer coils to hassle with: coils have been an absolute requirement whenever you began smoking. They made it possible for you to draw in the vapor, which in turn traveled via your physique, supplying you with a steady stream of cigarette smoking. Vaping lets you start vaping in a reduce wattage and minimizes the quantity of nicotine you eat. Along with, the significantly less you take in, the easier it is actually that you should stop taking all this together. As we discussed, there are many wonderful benefits that come from changing to a healthful option to smoking cigarettes. By picking a Vape, you are not only helping yourself stop smoking cigarettes, but you are also aiding your self remain healthy. Through the use of only top quality e-liquefied, and selecting simply the very best types, you can be confident that you will never encounter any horrible adverse reactions like other goods might. Vape provides a wholesome alternative to stopping tobacco. Because of so many new options to pick from, it's no surprise Vape has become the key vapour merchandise in the united states since 2021!

#vape

[seancekitsch]

im like a good 200 words into the next kinktober and its just be describing a french inhale in great detail. is it bc smoking is sexy in theory but not in practice or bc i need a nicorette

[previoustags]

best way to physically/mentally prepare for top surgery?

Get excited!!! You've been waiting!!! You are allowed to be nervous, you are allowed to be scared, and you are allowed to be anxious. It is all very natural.

Physically, I really didn't do anything! But if you want the best results you can get, I've heard it recommended that you work out your chest pre surgery to build up your pectoral muscles so your surgeon has a better canvas to sculpt to. Doesn't matter if you don't though, I can name 10 friends off the top of my head that I know who didn't do anything (including myself) and we all turned out just fine.

If you smoke (doesn't matter if it's weed or nicotine) you NEED to stop 3 weeks (21 days exactly) before your surgery. This is a hurdle that pushes a lot of people's surgeries, because it is something that is very hard to quit. You are not less worthy nor a failure if you've been unable to quit and need to reschedule your surgery. It's literally for your safety. I don't remember the scientific terms lmfao but what you inhale with the smoke stops your blood cells from regenerating properly, and it takes the 21 days for them to no longer be compromised. Your body needs to be able to regenerate its blood cells, or your nipples will not take. Your scars will not close. You will not heal. You can still consume cannabis in the 21 days before, and also after!!!, via edibles or tinctures but no other method. I believe for nicotine you cannot have anything (nicorette gum patches etc, YES NO VAPING!) that includes nicotine in its makeup, which is what makes it a lot harder for vapers/cigarette smokers to quit.

Get some good movies, get a LOT of pillows, and make sure the area you'll be recovering in has everything in arms reach. Buy stool softeners. Be ready to sleep and be groggy. Consume a lot of liquids such as soups and honestly be ready to not eat anything the first couple days but then ravage the next few after that. Honestly don't be ready for a lot of pain, just soreness and tightness. Do be prepared that you probably won't be happy with your results, like anything, it takes time to get accustomed to and to actually heal properly. You are allowed to panic and freak out over your chest if you think something's wrong, lord knows I did it. Everything you will feel is okay and normal, you made your decision for a reason ❤️

#also be honest with the anesthesiologist(? lol) about your drug use even if they don't ask you #if you smoke weed daily you can have a higher tolerance to the anesthesia and they'll just need to give you more to make sure you're knocked #tf out lol. you won't be in trouble like at all even if you're in a place where it's illegal it's literally just to help you ❣️ #anonymous

[bymyselfallalone-blog]

Dear Old Friend

Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott- free!”

 A thought, or rather such a mantra I whispered to myself as people passed by me along the promenade, most likely focused on their significant other or the plans they were making with loved ones that night. They all seemed to have some sort of direction in life, you could see it in their eyes, especially their brows. The determination and contentment they had with their lives seemed a far cry from the state of mind I was in.

 The taste of nicotine in my mouth is starting to get unbearably strong. Ptui! The large glob of spit hits the pavement quicker than a bullet. Gauloises aren’t my first choice of cigarette, I don’t know if it was the brand name that made it sound like I was smoking purity, or if it was the cheapest deck I could afford, with the little spending money I had. My go to blend is usually always Marlboro red. Not too harsh but a comfortable taste I’ve gotten used to over the years. “My dear old friend Marlboro, oh where did we first cross paths?”

 Was it when all my friends walked around aimlessly trying to find different variations of you scattered along the street curbs, only to fulfil your purpose and our addiction? Or was it when I saw all the women I fancied lock their lips around you and breathe in the contents you withheld? I know you’re killing me slowly and surely, but you’ve been there for me through the toughest of times. You’re filling my lungs with bitterness and vitriol, but you calm me, you soothe my mind, you… fulfill me.

 I remember a time when it wasn’t all smoke and mirrors and I had someone that made me feel on top of the world. My posture was cool, I dressed nice and respectfully, I never had a frown on my face, I felt complete. Or so I thought. I was oblivious and naïve to the idea of trusting someone else with my deepest and darkest thoughts. I longed to seek something that felt realistic and simple, yet so difficult to maintain. Six months of my life was wasted on the thought of falling head over heels for someone. My dear old friend, you tore us apart; our friendship hindered this utopia I envisioned to be so happy and loving.

 I shouldn’t blame you though, that’s quite insensitive of me. It was a bad decision looking back at that time in the rearview. I desperately wanted to find someone that was like me and accepted me for who I was. If anything came from our ‘candid’ time together some part of being with her calibrated my mind and installed the latest version of “Advanced.Apathy1.0.” A program I relinquish and reclaim from time to time. “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 My dear old friend, do you remember the countless times she enjoyed your company, and the times she disapproved and put you down? Said your presence in my life was ‘impure and a dirty habit.’ I tried to discontinue our countless rendezvous, I really did, but the feeling without you felt oh so testing. Without your presence I felt so submerged, I was a decaying and colourless statue of coral viewing all the colourful and lively fish and sea plants unaffected and oblivious to my slowing demise. Did I depend on you more than I depended on her? I haven’t the slightest clue.

 Ptui! The taste is becoming unbearable. What is it about you that makes me feel oh so fickle? When I’m surrounded by others that share the same admirable love for your brothers, sisters and cousins I get this immense feeling of solace and belonging. But when I’m by myself all alone I feel dirty, impure, lesser than someone of accepted merit. That’s how she made me feel my old friend, not only because of our relationship, but because she felt this tendency to change all my imperfections.

The tulips and the daisies sway to and fro, the sight and beauty of every petal hypnotized me for a moment. The stridulating noise from the crickets became more apparent than before. Barely anyone was in plain sight, except for a couple off in the distance walking behind their dog, both holding hands, content in their stride. Stopping abruptly, they plant a quick but passion filled kiss on eachother’s lips. The ecstasy of love and atonement envelops them. “Here boy!” one of them shouts, beckoning the dog to return to them. I wished and longed for that sensation of belonging to someone, being their everything, looking past the flaws or personality traits I disliked about them. Alas, you have to be careful what you wish for.

 “I wanna kill myself!” she exclaimed, sitting on the other side of the bench, palms against her eyes, hiding the tears from plain sight. Such a beautiful remark to hear from someone you just cut ties with moments ago. I remember trying to console her, convincing her that we weren’t meant to be together, I broke my inner feelings to her nicely my old friend, I really did. Flustered I was, it would’ve been so much easier to break it to her over text, a few simple buttons and voila! End of the entrapment and spell she had me under. “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 My Dear Old Friend, I don’t know if it was her suicidal exclamations or her parting words that hurt me the most. She cursed me and hoped I’d wake up every single day for the rest of my life a damned failure. I know I’m still young, but sometimes her words repeat in my mind on an endless loop, dictating every decision or person I interact with. I feel an urgent need to cut ties with you my friend, for being close to you makes me feel like a failure.

 The embers begin to envelop the withering white of the cancer stick. My gums reek of the nicorette purity I envisioned the Gauloises would contain.

 My Dear Old Friend, how most young people are oblivious to the tarnishing and corruption you embellish unto their lives. Your black tar fills my lungs with smoke and soot, your presence takes my breath away. I’ve developed a permanent cough that reminds me of you. I know if I continue this relationship for any longer I’ll end up like my Grandma.

 For some reason the speakers in the lobby of the retirement care centre were fixed to some commercial radio station. The crooning voice of Chris Martin breaking through the melancholic guitar riff.  My whole family packed into her room, staring at someone they saw trying to withstand the cancer spread throughout her lungs.

 My Dad told me in the months leading up to that night that he reckoned it was either ageing defects or the industrial area that fostered her childhood that kickstarted the cancer. I noticed her cough, mobility and hearing became increasingly impaired as the disease spread throughout her body. Did she ever rely on you dear old friend? Were you the one that started her end? I’d really appreciate if you would answer me.

 My eyes start to well up, my upper lip quivers, I pause before inhaling the remaining purity I have.  My throat tightens, forcing me to cough a large sum of smoke directly into my eyes. Just my luck.

 Why can’t you answer me? When I dwell on our relationship as a whole, I only rely on you when I’m stressed or paranoid. You don’t console me through words though, do you? And it seems as though I’m the only one having to pay for your service! Are you even my friend? “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 For it was just yesterday my parents found out about us. My dear old friend, the guilt that came along with confessing our relationship to them is starting to quietly chew me up inside. They told me it was all up to me to either stop seeing you or give in. They want what’s best for me and I’m seriously starting to think that life would be easier without you. For after all, you’re just a bad habit that’s governing my life at the moment.

  My index finger and thumb wrap around the shaft of the filter for one final time. I bring the withering and faintly glowing acquaintance up to my mouth and inhale. Phewww! The smoke rises and disperses throughout the evening, painting the sky a saturated grey in amongst the clouds. I dwell on my thoughts for a second.

 My dear old friend, I’m afraid this is goodbye for now. You’ve brought me so much comfort, but you will tarnish everything that is good in my life. You’re becoming more expensive as time goes by. I hope my friends can overcome the entrapment and spell you have them under.

 The sun slowly submerges beneath the skyline, giving way for the moon to rise. The breeze softens, allowing the daisies and tulips to relax. The stridulating of the crickets pauses for a short moment. I flick the filter towards the other side of the footpath, as it dies a slow painless death, never to be seen again.

[queenbabyqueenbaby]

335

Antsy because I hate taking flights and the preceding tension it puts in my heart. It’s not that I believe the plane will crash, not at all. It’s the no-way-out alone time, or something, not mixing well with my brain chemistry. I hate the smell of the cabin and I hate the pressure of the cabin and I hate the damn masks. I hate the miracle of aerodynamics and the sweaty chicken I wind up consuming gratefully. I hate the no-smoking policy, the wishing for time to pass. I am dumb and depressed in the air, neither excited about where I’m going nor particularly homesick. By the time I get on a plane I will usually have been at the airport for four hours, such is my mistrust in the trains and cabs that took me there. I will have spent 1 hour chain-smoking outside the terminal, 1 hour buying Ibuprofen and pens I won’t use to do the crossword puzzles I won’t complete, and 2 hours watching the departures screen as flights to Dallas and Tel Aviv have their gates announced but not mine because 2 hours

The plane will be a relief because airports are depressing, but then the plane reveals itself to me as the hell scape it always was. It mirrors my mind in its emotional flatness, its constant offers of food, well-meaning but ultimately futile stabs at safety. On this trip I will have seen Jane Fonda at the terminal in deeply tinted sunglasses with a burly companion and this is reassuring because, if Jane can do it - and by “it” I mean international air travel - then so can I

I will sleep for a negligible amount of time and wake up to only 4 hours shaved off a 10 hour journey, it’ll piss me off. There will be a Nicorette patch on my left bicep and by the time I’ve stared blankly at the tundra between Canadian territory and Greenland looking desperately for signs of human or animal life, it’ll be 5 hours to go. “Okay now it’s just like I’m going to Greece”, I think. 5 hours is fine

Then it’ll be 2 hours and I think “okay it’s just like coming back from northern Italy”, and so on

I will land and the desire to smoke will naturally have passed now that I’m allowed to. I will text D “a plane journey ending is like a religious experience. I am a hero”. The plot of land dedicated entirely to people calling and getting into Ubers at LAX will be more dystopian than I could imagine, with billboards for lawyers overlooking it offering counsel if, say, you are an Uber driver and hit somebody with your car. It will say: MyUberLawyer.com

I will arrive to J’s house, my music manager of almost two years but who I am only meeting in the flesh now. He will be throwing a huge fish on the grill and though it’s delicious, my body wont have moved enough to really inhale it. I will stay there til 9.30pm (5.30am in my brain) and crash

[jtmarket]

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[simplymedsonlineuk]

Shopping for Medicines Does Not Always Have to be a Mission

Shopping can be a real mission at times, a time consuming mission that can cause undue stress, especially if there are other, easy alternatives. This is true today for almost anything one wants to buy.

Instead of having to take out the car, or catching the bus or waiting for the next train service to get to the shopping malls and fall in the queue there are easier ways to shop: you simply log on and conclude everything online and await delivery of your order and the goods you need whether you want to order clothes, food – and even medicines in many cases.

Of course buying meds online is not exactly the same as ordering a light bulb; however, in many instances it can be as easy and as frustration free when compared to having to make your way to the high street pharmacy, await your turn and take another bus or taxi back home.

Those meds that you acquire on your GP’s prescription, or the ones that a specialist prescribes, may not be as easily available from an online purchase but there are many other times when you may indeed be able to get your medicines via an online service. Think, for example, of meds that you may need for conditions that you did not have to see your doctor for.

There are so many, such as the person that needs assistance with erectile dysfunction, or certain forms of acne, menstruation pains and a host of other lesser conditions, those that do not require your doctor’s intervention. These medicines can be bought online, and customers today have various options in this regard.

Some pharmacies concentrate their services on a local market, say, in a specific city such as London and its suburbs, or Manchester, Glasgow or Brighton for instance, whereas others may be more experienced and offer more choices so that they are able to assist over a much wider front. Some of these online services actually take orders from not only UK customers but much further out too, to include many EU destinations as well.

As most people understand about online shopping, it can be an easy straight-forward process, also for an online pharmacy, if they offer a good, professional service. Leading services make it so easy for their customer by offering them a well-planned online service that may, for example, include a quick online consultation, or a questionnaire to be filled out after which choices are made from among medicines.

One of these that is often ordered online today from the best online pharmacies is help with giving up smoking, such as, for example, Champix, which has proved to be a great option for millions world-wide. People everywhere understand that smoking is not good for their health, and therefore more and more are trying to kick the habit. But, it is not all that easy to do so; therefore smokers turn to products that can help them, such as the mentioned Champix which can be bought and ordered without a medical practitioner’s prescription.

Champix is a great example that has shown great results for many by simply taking tablets as advised by the online service you order these from. Always make sure, however, that you are dealing with a registered pharmacist or pharmacy that is allowed to dispense this type – and others – of medicine. Not only Champix, but also Nicorette inhalators, for example.

Of course there are other products available, but the two mentioned ones are well known and come highly recommended by some customers. These products are so easy to order these days if you go online. Besides, the best online pharmacies may be able to assist their customers with many other issues and problems as well.

About Us

At Simply Meds Online we pride ourselves on the medicines and service we offer our clients and customers throughout the UK and many EU countries. The medicines that can be ordered from us, as well as our services, are regulated by the GPhC and the MHRA. Our aim is to assist any patient that needs high quality meds which can be ordered via our easy processes and be delivered without undue delay. We provide medicines for various conditions that patients may suffer from, and after an online consultation by our experts, orders are placed and dispatched. Our processes are simple and easy to understand and aimed at bringing relief to those that need fast and effective support. For more about us and our services please visit https://www.simplymedsonline.co.uk/

#prescription delivery