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secretmellowblog · 4 months

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Valjean + 7 & 8 (game ask)

For this ask meme: #7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like? And #8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Thanks for the ask!!

#7: a thing fandom does with this character that you like:

I love fix-its (I just want him to live!) it’s great when Jean Valjean gets to have a happier ending than his bleak passive suicide.

Fics that explore Jean Valjean interacting with Other Characters (outside of Cosette) are also great. He has such a narrow social circle in canon — he has basically no friends outside of his daughter— so playing him off other characters is really fun. It’s especially fun if (as is canonically accurate) he struggles very hard to interact with people and comes across as deeply weird. Jean Valjean tends to get “trapped in his own head” a lot, and exploring the relationships he could have with other characters– or just how other characters would be utterly baffled by him, while viewing him from the outside– is always great.

I also love fandom stuff that acknowledges how deeply strange he is. Any fandom stuff that features Jean Valjean breaking into people’s houses to give them money is always chefs kiss.

#8: A thing fandom does with this character that you despise:

I was originally going to answer this with a whole passionate overlong essay about fandom tropes around Jean Valjean that bother me, but…I’ll keep it short lol because it's not really a big deal, haha. Like, I don’t want to be mean or unfair, and I like being in a fandom so large I can afford to be picky about characterization. I don’t like holding fanfic to a higher moral standard than big “professional” media properties that are doing far worse. The most popular Les Mis fanfic on ao3 has maybe a couple thousand readers; BBC 2019, which is an utterly vile horrible conservative take on Les Mis and on Jean Valjean in particular, had millions of viewers. Fanfic writers have no budget and often no editors, so we don’t deserve to be held to the same level of scrutiny as massive projects like a tv show . Like I don’t want to overstate harm– fanfic is fine! Les mis fanfic is a tiny niche of a niche, and so small no one’s really being hurt by it. If I don’t like something, I don’t read it, and all that. I'm not here to be the fandom police XD.

And I really don’t like ever positioning myself as an “authority” on these characters or the person who does them “correctly,” because I’m not.

That being said, if I were to be petty and summarize my personal Problems with the way Jean Valjean is often handled in fandom really briefly–

My core "pain" is that I feel like a lot of fans miss that the police are the villains of Les Mis. The police are the villains of Jean Valjean’s story and they’re the villains of Javert’s. Prison is evil. The carceral system is cruel and unjust, as a system. It is not a problem of Javert “not being nice enough to Valjean,” the entire system is fundamentally violent and vile and needs to be burned to the ground. acab, and all.

I think part of why that gets missed is that many fans are laser-focused only on Javert– and often on a highly specific musical-inspired fanon reading of Javert where he Did Nothing Wrong. (I'm not throwing shade, this was kinda also me when I was 13 lolllll.) And then they don’t analyze Jean Valjean anywhere near as deeply, if they analyze him at all, and don't pick up on the larger themes of the novel. And that's a shame, because Javert’s characterization will also suffer if you don’t have that wider context! I think the “problem” is just that if you acknowledge the complexity of Jean Valjean's character and his trauma, if you recognize how deeply Jean Valjean was ripped apart by prison, how he has not recovered from his imprisonment and never will, and how he doesn’t view the criminal justice system with ‘total forgiveness’ but actually does have complicated overwrought repressed useless grief and rage over the system that abused him and the injustices he’s undergone, how he actually doesn’t like Javert on a personal level and only saved his life out of the same pity he would’ve shown to any other person in Javert's position– it is much harder to see Javert as a Good Person and the police as a Good Institution. So as a result fanfic!Jean Valjean often kinda has to be written as a bland saint patiently agreeing that Cops Are Great and Prison is Fine and Javert Did Nothing Wrong...because if he isn’t, the author has to acknowledge Javert has hurt Jean Valjean in ways he will never heal from, and question the morality of both Javert and the police.

I think lots of people take the line “there’s nothing that I blame you for/you’ve done your duty nothing more” from the musical, interpret it as a sincere compliment, and then graft that interpretation onto the book— to the point of making it the entire core of Jean Valjean’s character. But Jean Valjean complimenting Javert with the Nuremberg defense (“it was all fine because you were doing your job”), and this being portrayed as Correct and Wise, is just not a compelling take on the character to me XD. I do not like it all. So I just don’t read fics that head in that direction. I'm not gonna content-police people, I just don't read it, haha.

I’ve been recommended multiple fics where Jean Valjean becomes Javert’s cop partner, or enthusiastically encourages him to return to the police, and it’s always a big “He Would Not Say That.” XD Jean Valjean, the most well-known victim of police brutality in the history of fiction, the character whose entire personality is built on the trauma of surviving incarceration and attempting to save others from his hellish fate, would never enthusiastically participate in incarcerating people–not even if they were ‘bad’ people! It’s literally the core of his whole weird little Deal. it’s his whole schtick.

And it's not that I hate Valvert either. I actually think Valvert can be very compelling-- and also funny, which is the most important thing. But part of the reason I’ve often stayed away from the valvert fandom despite enjoying the Funky Weird Little Relationship is that I’ve had lots of trouble finding fic that gives Jean Valjean an actual life or character outside of Javert, or that also acknowledges the anti-police anti-prison themes of the novel. But! There are a tiny handful of people who do it occasionally! And that's enough.

And again, this isn’t like the biggest deal or anything! I’m not a fandom cop trying to police what people write, especially because most people are just extrapolating from the musical/lots of people change their minds on characterizations over time/it’s hard to write without a team of editors to help you navigate things. These are just some fandom trends I personally don’t like, that I personally avoid, and that I hope change over time….so that I have more fanfic to read that lines up with my own feelings on the characters XD.

But yeah those are my (abbreviated) years of spicy fanon Jean Valjean hot takes!!!

#les mis #ask game #jean valjean #fandom discourse!! kinda. XD #if anyone was interested I could write a masterpost on 'brick valjean things that arent in the musical' (that people could add onto)#im not positioning myself as an authority on these characters or anything #but!!! I think the changes to the character in the brick VS the musical and in a lot of fandom stuff are interesting #hes a funky little guy #blorbeaux from my book

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raxistaicho · 8 months

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The Savior Prince! Edelgard in Thracia, chapter three

This one's mostly an elongated battle. I find battles that are on the one-to-one scale extremely tedious to write and read - I prefer looking broadly at the movement of soldiers and strategies, not on the main characters doing cool shit.

Unfortunately, Reyna is firmly in the second camp. Therefor, I'll summarizing more often. That's not to say there won't be anything to talk about, though, especially once Leif himself arrives.

Spoiler: Reyna's pretty spotty about the kind of person he's supposed to be this early on. Leif, when written in-character doesn't exactly fit her preference for power fantasy protags.

Before we start,

DO NOT FUCKING GO PESTER REYNA IN HER COMMENTS SECTION. I DON'T WANNA SEE PEOPLE COPY-PASTING MY ARGUMENTS HERE IN COMMENTS TO HER EVER AGAIN.

So evidently I've been bullying some widdle iddy-biddy fanfic and that's bad.

Two things:

One, being small or irrelevant doesn't mean you're protected from criticism.

B, The Flame Empress and the Liberation of Thracia might be a small fic, but ReynaAtTheEnd is not a small writer. The Savior King, The Master Tactician and the Queen of Liberation is the number 2 fic on under Three Houses on AO3 for Hits, 7th in kudos, 3rd in comments, and 7th in bookmarks. This is out of around 47,000 fanfics. It has a large tv tropes page, too. Reyna's a 1-percenter as far as Three Houses fanfic writers go and to call her small or random is grossly disingenuous.

The Flame Empress and the Liberation isn't small because Reyna is some fresh plucky-eyed writer, still unknown to the world: it's small because this ain't 2019 anymore, it's still very new, and it's a spin-off crossover involving the blackest black sheep of the Fire Emblem franchise aside from the original Gaiden. And even then, Flame Empress, when compared to its July 2023 contemporary fics, has many times as much recognition as them.

So getting that idiocy out of the way.

Anyways, Lifis's pirates are attacking and Edelgard and Ronan are trying to sound the horn. Funfact, Lifis is a recruitable character, and a rather important one as far as gameplay is concerned, no less. And no, he's not particularly sympathetic and he doesn't really have a sob-story, he's just pragmatic in his douchebaggery and Leif understands he could really use a thief. I wonder what Reyna will do with him.

Edelgard had encountered a few of his grunts some time ago; they'd come into the tree grove where she and a few other girls had been picking apples and made a series of lecherous threats in exchange for leaving without 'causing a ruckus'. Beating the three unconscious with a stepstool had been the only moment to burst through the dull apathy that choked her like a heavy cloak ever since she woke here.

At least Reyna acknowledges Edelgard is a badass, even without her Crest of Flames. We'll see how long that lasts, given Reyna also once had Yuri (yes, that Yuri) subject her to the Standard Female Grab Area. Edelgard notes this raid is unusually big and decides she needs to take Lifis out to end this for good.

Once everyone started pouring into the streets, babbling in confusion and fear

It'd probably be "roads" rather than "streets" even in a good-sized village, which Iz isn't one of. Edelgard tries to reach for Aymr but of course she doesn't have it. Instead she goes for a woodcutter's axe, noting its poor quality and the direness of the situation.

Edelgard turned on her heel and ran toward the tallish spire of Iz's church. Her lack of any kind of armour is a phantom feeling across her entire body; she pushes down her unease harshly, without it I'll be lighter on my feet and get more attacks in. Besides, these are bandits, cowards preying on people who can't fight back. If I needed the armour of an Emperor to beat them, I would be ashamed of myself!

Edelgard is actually quite agile, as you can see even in her Emperor animations. She twirls axes like they're batons. Now obviously it's totally normal to be uneasy about being underequipped, but she can manage just fine. I'm only bringing this up because there's this notion among her detractors that Edelgard wouldn't be anything special without her Crests, Aymr, or special armor, which is just nonsense.

Ronan's mom is upset that Ronan is leaving to fight (this is mostly a modified version of his recruitment quote - he's recruited in the game chapter this fic chapter is portraying). Then we get,

The lack of hope in her voice... it matched the faces of everyone she'd woken up with her warning yells, and it disturbed her how uniform it was. The defeatism. No one had any faith that the world would change or that they could push back the darkness facing them. They only prepared for impact in the hope that being yielding will please their attackers and prevent them from destroying everything, only most things.

Eeeyyy, all right, we've got some of that Edelgard, pursuer of the future and defender of the people going, 'bout time! :D

“Contessa,” she said calmly. “I was an axe knight once.

Just bringing this up to express how weird it is to say it like this. Class names in Fire Emblem only exist for gameplay purposes, the only class that comes close to just being an actual thing in and of itself is the pegasus knight, which is extremely distinct and very specific to Fire Emblem as a series. It'd be much more natural for Edelgard to just assure Contessa she knows how to fight. Reyna does this kinda thing a lot, sadly.

Anyways, Edelgard assures Contessa she'll keep an eye on Ronan, then she urges Ronan to get to high ground and provide covering fire. Oh, Edelgard, if only you knew that mobility is like Ronan's only redeeming quality as a unit. Shitposting aside, good enough tactics for the situation.

Checking the pirates as they charge up, Edelgard notes most have axes but some have bows. It's the latter that concerns her, but we won't actually see Edelgard fight any hunters (bow-wielding rogue-styled units from the Archanea and Jugdral games), so... bwuh? She then boosts and/or tosses Ronan onto a nearby roof, so good to see she's still superhumanly strong.

Edelgard is concerned about lacking the Crest of Flames:

Ah, we don't have a healer. The priest is inside the church, needs to be there to keep a panic from sparking. And I don't have the Crest of Flames anymore...

Just bringing that up to demonstrate how Reyna puts a significant emphasis on the respective powers of the Crests. The self-healing was nice but just nice.

“Okay!” Ronan nodded sharply. “Be careful!” That you care enough to say so...

Reyna, Edelgard knows what kindness is. Or are you acknowledging she was in a terrible place after Byleth got all of her friends to ditch her?

Edelgard gave him a salute in lieu of promising him anything. Then she runs toward the wave of pirates. Already Ronan was taking shots, arrows whisking through the air above her head and raining down around the pirates. His aim is hit and miss, mostly striking shoulders or legs when the arrows didn't wiff.

An arrow shot to the leg or shoulder would be debilitating in this setting. Now obviously in the games proper, Annoying Arrows is in effect most of the time, but Reyna kinda-sorta tries to go for a more gritty, realities of war situation when it suits her and when Claude isn't abusing Talking is a Free Action, so I'm going to hold her to that standard.

It reminded her of Bernadetta, when they'd gone on their first church-sanctioned 'mission'

Reyna don't diss Bernie :/ She's way way better than Ronan. Girl matches Dimitri's damage.

[A random pirate] recognizes her too. “You...! Bitch!” The man snarled, immediately breaking away to attack her. “Is that the best you can come up with?” Edelgard inquired sarcastically.

Edelgard doesn't really trash-talk during a fight. She waits until her enemies are dead, usually.

And yes, that short paragraph did indeed use both past and present-tense. Reyna's inconsistent tense is one of the most distracting things about her writing.

He swung wildly at her; she dodges between both his strikes and swings her axe up at his face. She slashes one of his eyes – good, she thinks as he screams in agony

Okay that man is either dead or rolling on the ground in utter agony. And if he survives the battle he's almost certainly going to die to infection. That is the kind of actual grittiness Reyna misses.

this axe can at least cut the skin – and delivers a Crest-empowered kick to his stomach, sending him staggering backwards. Then she changed her hold and slammed the hilt of the axe into the man's bloody face, causing him to crumple like tin to the ground.

This is a lot of injuries to deal to a single person.

She doesn't get a second to appreciate the ease of that; both of his friends had zeroed in on her too. Ronan caught one of the men in the neck with a well-placed arrow, but the second one falls on her in a seething rage. “I'm going to tear you apart after I'm done with you!” The man raged, grabbing her by the hair.

Why isn't she attacking him? Reyna didn't indicate he just moved too fast for her or that she was busy. What, was she waiting for her ATB gauge to kill?

Edelgard swore at the sudden pain, stumbling over her feet.

Edelgard's endured far worse than having her hair pulled...

She forced herself to relax so he could pull her closer, then delivered a vicious kick to the inside of his shin and slamming the hilt of the woodcutter's axe between his legs.

Damn, Edie XO

The strangled noise he uttered before releasing her hair was very satisfying. “Hah,” Edelgard uttered scornfully as she whipped around and swung her axe at his neck.

First, this is some Marvel shit with the trash talking. Second, wasn't she on the ground? How's she reaching his neck, Edelgard is short.

It promptly got stuck an inch or so in his flesh, forcing her to waste precious seconds wrenching it free to some truly disgusting gurgling sounds.

There, see? Reyna can be gruesome when it's convenient.

The next pirate was after her right away, and the man she'd hit wasn't quite dead yet

What. The dude got hit in the groin from Edelgard's super strength and then almost got decapitated. Even if he's still clinging to life he shouldn't be in any condition to move, let alone fight. Edelgard takes a light injury to the arm, for which she notes:

Arm wound... ugh, largely superficial, but that bleeding will get to me if I let it go on for too long. No time to tear up something for a tourniquet, though. Maybe one of these pirates has a vulnerary on them that I can grab...?

She should be worried about infection.

Her arm throbbed in protest of being ignored as Edelgard slammed her axe into the pirate's chest. She has to do it three times before she hears his death gurgle.

Steal one of their weapons, Edelgard, the one you've got is clearly blunt.

She heard the next attacker running straight at her, and cursed quietly. She grabbed the fallen man's axe off the ground and threw it at her newest attacker; it doesn't land blade in

Now I'm picturing it clonking him on the head with a big "bonk" sound, dammit. Weird time for hand axes in Fire Emblem to have that issue.

They fight for a bit, village man dies, Edelgard uses the Crest of Seiros to decapitate the man who killed him in a single blow - I'm half-surprised he doesn't keep fighting for a bit given the track record - but the force also breaks her own axe. Steal one of the pirates' axes, Edelgard! Thracia is all about nicking enemy weapons!

Instead, Edelgard fights hand-to-hand, until,

...And that's when she saw the paladin. His blue hair made him stand out, even in the middle of a fight; he'd be easily noticeable even without the horse he was astride upon. The man easily closed the distance between himself and her, his lance impaling one of her approaching enemies from behind. It was a brave lance, Edelgard realized with a start; aged slightly, but very well maintained, and an unarmoured ruffian had no chance against it.

Finn has arrived!

He's Leif's sworn knight who's served and protected him since he was an infant. He's also the only unit in Genealogy of the Holy War to appear in both generations of the story (as playable. Shannan, Oifey, and Lewyn appear, but are not playable in both generations), so that coupled with his near-permanent availability in Thracia means Finn's got something of a storied history in the Jugdral games!

Also, he's a Lance Knight, not a Paladin. I'd chalk this up to Edelgard applying her Fodlan-centered lack of knowledge of how things work in Thracia, but I'm pretty confident Reyna's going to get this wrong often.

See, Thracia loosened it a bit, but in Jugdral, the Cavalier and Paladin lines are largely unique to the noble houses of Nordion and Chalphy. They aren't treated as catch-all promoted mounted knights like they are in other games, they're specifically prestigious holy knights.

Finn is a Lance Knight and promotes to a Duke Knight, both of which only use lances, though in Thracia he can use swords (and ONLY swords!) when he dismounts (this is true of all mounted classes aside from bow-wielding mounted ones, which retain bows when dismounted).

Yeah, Kaga was big on lances being mounted-only unless you were a soldier or an armor.

There was someone sitting behind him on his horse, too; as the knight trotted in an arc around her, he hopped off and drew a long, golden blade that glittered with light. It – had slightly similar characteristics to the Levin sword, but it was a completely different shape and the magic didn't smell of the ozone before a storm.

“Are you alright?” The man – no, the boy asked her. He was tallish for his age, spiky brown hair messy and falling around his face framing his dark blue eyes, but looking at his face immediately reminded Edelgard of Lysithea; a matured child who knew from experience that the world is not fair or just by nature.

And this is Leif. Emblem Leif, to be clear.

Now obviously Leif is going to be more hardened than other children, but he's specifically still quite naive at this point in his journey, and he's going to stay that way for a long time to come - if he's written properly, that is.

It's a major point that Leif - despite living in exile - has had a relatively easy life due to his heritage and having nobles and his retainer to look out for him, and thus he doesn't understand the hardships of the truly downtrodden in the Thracian peninsula.

Leif introduces himself and his allies, Fianna Freeblades, and says they've come to save the day.

He raised his sword above his head, and a beam of holy magic bursts from the tip and flies like an arrow to pierce the shoulder of the nearest pirate that the paladin hadn't dealt with.

(snort), don't be fooled: Leif isn't nearly this badass at this point in the game, nor should he in the story. Edelgard says she needs an axe.

Leif nodded in understanding and yelled, “Halvin!” One of the axe men broke away from the fight and hurried over to him; Edelgard's eyebrows shoot up when she sees multiple weapons somewhat awkwardly strapped to his sides, like he was acting as a human mule.

No, Reyna, human mule is Marty's job.

I'm not actually kidding, Marty's combat is just kinda bad and unreliable forever but his monstrous base con is put to use grabbing enemies off of allies to let them go after a capture is finished. He's pretty good for that!

Halvin asks Edelgard for the situation, and then,

“We must defend the church,” Edelgard said, snapping out of her surprise. “The citizens are taking shelter there. I'm not sure who's leading the attack, but I suspect they're in the process of sacking the mayor's house.”

Leif nodded and waved at the paladin. “Finn! Go and guard the church entrance with Dagdar!” The blue-haired man raises his lance in acceptance and wheels around to do so, trampling a pirate foolish enough not to get out of his way. “Halvin, tell Tanya to coordinate with the other archer here-”

“Ronan,” Edelgard put in.

“Ronan,” Leif corrected himself without losing stride. “Tell her to back up Ronin and keep up the pressure. You and Osian, protect the two of them.” His brows furrow tightly, showing both nervousness and determination. Relatively untested, most likely. Nevertheless Halvin nodded sharply and rushed off to his task.

It's not necessarily a problem that Leif is taking command, but he shouldn't be so fluid about this. He's not experienced in combat and, while he's important, he's not technically the commander of this army: Eyvel is. Additionally, unlike Finn and Eyvel, he doesn't have a leadership star (a Thracia game mechanic, for each leadership star present among your deployed units, every allied unit gains 3% hit and avo), nor does he ever have one until one of the advisors are present.

This, combined with the previous bits just kinda express a lack of understanding about what Leif's character arc is. She kinda did the same thing with Claude and Dimitri in Queen of Liberation where she immediately had both on Byleth's level, but you just can't do that with Leif even with heavy artistic license. He's not experienced, he's not wise (he makes a lot of mistakes, in fact), he's not badass, and he's not respected for his accomplishments but for his purpose as a rallying figure. Hoo boy, this'll be a long fanfic.

Then,

“Think... have to think... Eyvel?” “I'm right here, little lord.” The swordswoman – tall, blonde and noticeably older than Leif, experience radiating off even her casual walk – comes up to them as if his thoughts had summoned her. Her face is slightly weathered, prematurely aged but not nearly to the same extent as Contessa, and she smiles when she stops in front of the two of them. Leif visibly straightens up a little. “Do you have orders for me?” Leif briefly looked surprised, then visibly shakes it off. “We're going to the mayor's apartment and doing something about the leader.” He said with confidence. “Without him, the others should either scatter or flee.”

Meet the actual leader of the Fiana Freeblades.

Eyvel's one of the two Jagens I mentioned earlier. Sadly she's not around forever - or even for very long. But still, players brave a hellish gaiden chapter to save her. Truly, doing it for her.

Edelgard insists on tagging along to get the measure of Leif. He agrees after a little hesitation. As she goes, Edelgard notes the efficiency with which the Freeblades dispatch Lifis's crew, and notes the oddness that they don't have a healer with them. Thracia just be like that, Edie.

Standing outside the front door with a bag full of what few valuables the man had and looking furious at the situation was a very large slightly hunched back warrior with a massive axe.

Hunched-back!? Damn, Reyna, why you gotta do Bucks that way :( Going in real hard on the disabled, there. Anyways, Eyvel, Edelgard, and Leif rather easily team up for the Bucks kill, which is too bad, he's actually moved by your mercy and swears to turn over a new leaf if you capture him and then release him in game. Thracia is just like that: most of the bandits are treated as at least pitiable, if nothing else. Edelgard is a bit unnerved by Eyvel having a Flame Sword. Evidently one of the Agarthans had one in Queen of Liberation and it brings up old traumas.

Yes, Reyna, we remember what you the Agarthans did to her. Edelgard says they should behead Bucks and present his head to the pirates to break their spirits, and Leif, in his first moment of being squarely in character, asks if that's really necessary, only for Eyvel to agree with Edelgard. Then Leif goes right back out of character by nearly doing the deed himself before Edelgard points out an axe would work better. Baby steps, folks.

Anyways, as they catch up with the others, Edelgard notes that Ronan is out of arrows but unharmed - for which she is grateful - and Tanya (Dagdar's daughter) points out Edelgard's injured arm.

“It's a scratch,” Edelgard reassured him. Ronan stared blandly at the blood staining her sleeve and gave her an incredulous look. “A scratch that'll cost you your arm if you keep lettin' it bleed like that,” The girl observed, before holding out two vulneraries to her. “Here, these'll fix that up fully.” “My thanks,” Edelgard said, holding in her relief. She quickly takes the two vials and downs them one at a time, sighing when the wound in her arm healed up.

How do Vulneraries even work, I wonder. But yeah, about time it was pointed out Edelgard might legit lose her am if she doesn't take it more seriously. I'm still waiting for infection to be mentioned, but oh well.

As [Edelgard] went, she looked for Leif in the crowd; he was speaking to one of the older axe men and Eyvel, gesturing toward the church. He wore authority like a heavy coat, as someone unused to it and mostly acting on instinct.

You have not conveyed that well at all, Reyna. You're just informing us that he's struggling when everything we've seen so far indicates he's handling things pretty well.

Strong instinct, it seemed, but still... They must be desperate if they're having him take command now, rather than wait until he's an adult to press his claim.

It's worth pointing out that Leif's only gone forth for a rescue mission - the Imperial governor over Munster has his adopted... sister-girlfriend and Eyvel's adopted daughter captive thanks to Lifis telling the Empire where Leif was hidden. Leif is fifteen right now., which even for this series is a bit on the younger side.

What are you thinking? Planning to bolt yourself onto another righteous cause?

Well, unlike upholding the Church of Seiros, kicking the Empire (and the Loptr Church) out of Thracia is legitimately a righteous cause.

A failed conqueror

She wasn't that.

and queen of delusion;

Subtle and classy as a brick to the face, Reyna. Edelgard is an emperor, not an empress and certainly not a queen, and she was not deluded, as the game itself is all too happy to convey. I can tell that Reyna must hate Edelgard's "king of delusion" line to Dimitri to hijack her characterization and make her think of herself in this way, because oh wow did she have to stretch to make it fit.

oh yes, that's exactly what that boy needs.

I mean hell, she's the best unit in Three Houses, imagine how incredible she'd be in Thracia! Her bleak thoughts aside, Edelgard decides to help Leif see this through.

Now for a brief line from the author's notes:

It'll be fun to have Edelgard bouncing off them, because they're rather different from what she's used to.

"Edelgard isn't used to talking to non-nobles."

Her dark thoughts will be a throughline for a while now;

Please, spare us soon.

I promise, it's leading to a point in her character development.

"I was wrong, I was a foolish little girl, Rhea was good, Dimitri was wise, and Claude was amazing," isn't character development, but we'll see.

There's only one interesting thing from the comments section this time:

Edelgard does have a good head for war, it's true, and Leif sorely needs that given some of the goofs he makes in Thracia proper. I hope to take you on a wild ride of fun!

Like, Reyna knows how Leif is supposed to be but I have a feeling we won't really see it until the plot railroads her into doing it. We'll see.

That's all for this time! Like I said, not as much to cover since this was a battle, mostly, but we got some interesting stuff once Leif busted onto the scene.

#fire emblem three houses #edelgard discourse #edelgard von hresvelg #edelgard positive #fanfic #fire emblem thracia 776 #leif #reynaattheend #sporking Reyna's fic

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bittermause · 1 year

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End of the Year Review: A Three Year Act Edition

My birthday is ten days away, so I felt it appropriate to write another one of these End of Year Reviews before then. I decided to summarize the last two years since I didn't bother to do so after 2019. The motivation to do this came from regretting to not record and keep any of my previous EoY posts from 2018 and earlier. As I get older, those said years became a blur to me, which is unfortunate. But I digress, let's start things off with the glorious year of...

2020

The year when Covid went into full swing around the globe, but also the year of brand new beginnings and a year full of insane luck and precise timing. In 2019, literally the day after Christmas, I was offered a job as a 2D Animator for a unique Cybersecurity training firm in CA. After a brief moment of panic and my best friend convincing me to take a chance with this new venture, I agreed to move out west at the end of January, and start my new job in February. For first two weeks I stayed at an AirBnB close to my job, and eventually moved into a makeshift studio space attached to a family home that belonged to a fellow alumni's mother. I never imagined I would finally leave Michigan after 35 years of personal pain and misery, to have a job that actually paid a livable wage that was also synonymous with my career path, and be able to leave behind an environment that put me in a constant state of stress and depression. For the first time in ages, I felt truly blessed. In the Spring, my best friend and I started getting re-acquainted with an old mutual friend of ours that we seldom spoke to in years. We ended up spending weekend nights having three way calls, discussing creative projects and talking about life in general. Never thought I'd re-connect with them in such a way, but now we have a much tighter friendship bond than we did in the past.

2021

After being able to save a lump sum of money thanks to the low rent cost and full on public transit reliance, I finally acquired a car. It didn't take me long to get re-acquainted with driving on the road; not having to deal with the iconic pot holes and rough weather worn terrain made travel cakewalk. I took my time to discover some great local haunts, like GraphAids and Record Outlet. However, in October I realized that my body was out of shape, and when I weighed myself for the first time in forever, I was hitting 231 Lbs. I took it upon myself to start a weight and task log in order to keep track of CICO, and exercise again. ( I was rotating between DDPY, Ringfit and the mini-elliptical) I also acquired a nutritionist to guide me in making better decisions for my diet. When November rolled around, I came to the conclusion that I needed to move out of the little studio space and into my own apartment. While it helped me save a great deal of money, the space was tiny, I missed having a stove, and a washer and dryer nearby. My landlady was oddly avoidant on giving rent history to my soon-to-be apartment management, but come later December I was still able to get approval for a unit. That same month, I announced the end of my long running web comic The Shufflers. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, but a necessary one. I still think about whether or not I can pick it back up again, but only time can tell.

2022

No doubt, is perhaps one of my favorite years living out in CA by far. I moved into an upper level apartment, got promoted to Production Supervisor at my workplace, I traveled to Colorado Springs to hang out with my friend, got to visit The Academy Museum with my workmates and explored the Studio Ghibli exhibition, and roamed a little bit around my new city and found some neat shops and restaurants. Along with it's pleasures, also came with great internal struggles; even though I left my old life two years ago, some of the excess baggage was still clinging on to me, and my perception of self was still very unhealthy. I started receiving therapy in June twice a month, in order to help me untangle my past grievances with myself and to help me pull away from the people that caused it. These sessions have been a real eye opener, and keeping a journal based on each one has greatly helped. One of the hardest challenges I've ever faced so far was convincing myself that I am worthy of self love and respect, to undo the belief that I am an unlovable, creep-ass overweight toad, and stop hiding my honest feelings and insecurity behind a goofy ass mask. While it's been a painful journey, the self-discovery was worth it.

Plans for 2023

I'll be continuing my self-improvement goals throughout this year. Since last October, I went down to 202 LBS. Next year I'd like to hit 175 or less. (Ideally I should be aiming for 135 as the ultimate end goal, but that won't be likely for another year and a half). Outside of that, the other goals I'd like to achieve are;

Continue making Animated shorts.

Get contacts, particularly ones I can wear if I decide to go swimming.

Get my hair professionally colored. Been thinking of doing a red violet or dark purple.

Re-work my wardrobe more

Continue exploring and go to more events.

Work on an actual comic project again.

So far for all the goals I've set in previous years, I was able to attain them. I hope that I'll be able to continue that trend in the next year.

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mysterypond · 2 years

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I had a conversation with a well-meaning friend the other day when the topic of hxh fanfic was brought up, and I was essentially told I was halting my progress / wasting my time by writing for a fandom that wasn’t active compared to a lot of the other ones out there, and that I should consider switching my series of writing so that I can get more “recognition” for my work.

I know my friend meant well, and as a fellow writer probably just wanted me to get the “stats” I “deserve”... But it’s been a few days and I can’t help reflecting on some of the topics we discussed.

“If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?”

“If I publish a niche piece, and no one reads it, did the story really happen?”

I think the main difference between the philosophical question of needing to prove something, and the publication of fanfiction, is it treats the “fic” itself as a finished product out to share with the world, instead of a passionate craft project that took many hours and thought to make. I think there’s still value in writing something even if no one would read it, because the process of creating a story itself has merit. Determinig the plot, the dialogue, finding the glue that holds your story together. I know I always joke that every POV character I write has a little piece of me in there somewhere, but....

If I were to look at myself at an earlier time, say 2019-2020, I would have disagreed with everything I just brought up. At the time, for various reasons I don’t want to discuss, I was more-or-less obsessed with statistics and online reach. Because they were quantifiable measures of how “good” you were at a craft. How much someone “liked” you. I used to publish works because I thought they had the potential to become well-liked, not because I was passionate about the subject matter. I just wanted to have that rush of feeling wanted in a fan space. But it always backfired. Whenever I published something I put my heart and soul into, people wouldn’t take it as well as the bland soulless works I had deciphered from fandom trends into making. Those were always my most popular works. And I began to resent it.

I think it’s only natural to want feedback. To want validation for what you’ve created. Because at the end of the day, even though I “write for myself”, I still have an urge to do the fandom equivalent of putting my fic up on the fridge and go “look what I made :)”. I guess... A part of me wants to show off. To have the things I write actually impact people.

But I don’t want to write things to get validation. I want the things I’ve written out of my own spontaneous ideas to get validation. And I think there’s the difference.

I had a few more paragraphs typed up about the irony of yelling at readers to interact w/ writing, mostly along the lines of “I wrote this so you should praise me” but I think that sentence itself summarizes what I don’t like about that mentality.

Anyways, to sum up my disjointed ramblings, I think writing for stats is unhealthy for creatives, though it’s natural to want people to see what you write. There’s a balance between it... and if I can offer just one person advice to forget the stats and write something they’re actually proud of instead, then I’ll feel a little less alone in this online world of fandom.

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m34gs · 1 year

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For the writing ask meme: 5, 9, 14!

Thank you for the ask, friend! (from this post!) These are really helping me think about writing and getting me unstuck! I appreciate it!

I have many WIPs, but the one I am currently focusing (and stuck) on is United, my BNHA Hogwarts AU fic. I recently got a motivation boost from a lovely comment left by @oaken-dick and so I've been revamping the plot for the remaining chapters and working it to be more cohesive, and then writing, hopeful to post the next chapter when I can.

5. what is the next moment you need to write that’s interesting to you?

I would say the very next part that I have to write is Tenya's Ultimate Betrayal. Not to give too much away, but if anyone has read the fic they know that I took Tenya's canon spiral from when his brother is injured and made it worse. I made it so much worse. My poor Tenya, I am not giving him a chance to easily redeem himself...oops. Basically, every time you would think he's Past the Point of No Return, he does something that leads him further and further away from his friends and any shot at redemption.

At this point, no one is safe no matter how long they've been friends or what they've promised in the past. Tenya is working with Shigaraki, and murder is on his mind.

9. what do each of the relevant characters currently want?

oooooh, this is such a good question. This is actually one of my favourite questions to ask myself, and I'm so so so happy to answer. It will make my answer long as there are several relevant characters, but I will try to summarize as best I can and I will only focus on the major characters of the fic for this one:

Izuku - Izuku wants to stop Shigaraki for a couple reasons: 1. He wants his mother, a muggle, to be safe; 2. He wants his friend Tenya to stop heading down the dark path he's on; 3. He does not like the sound of a once-powerful dark wizard coming back to kill people; and 4. he wants to prove to everyone that being a Slytherin does not automatically make someone evil or beyond saving.

Katsuki - He just wants himself and Izuku to be happy together. And for Izuku to be SAFE.

Hitoshi - My poor son just wants some happiness. He has been hit hard at every turn and he's reaching for anything he can to save himself. He would also like to not be heartbroken *looks at Dabi and coughs*

Dabi - Initially, Dabi wanted to rebel against his father. Now, he just wants to find a way to stop Shigaraki and survive the process. He has an added desire to watch out for Tenya, because he's Hitoshi and Shouto's friend. And if he and Hitoshi could figure some stuff out...that would be nice too lol.

Tenya - I don't think Tenya really knows what he actually wants at this point, but I know the fact of the matter is that he's seeking an outlet for his grief and he wants others to hurt the way he is hurting.

Shigaraki - He wants the extermination of muggles for a few reasons. It's not explicitly stated (yet) but uh...his situation was very similar to Hitoshi's once (see fic for details? it's complicated...), and All for One is the wizard who saved him.

Ochaco - Ochaco wants the boy she loves *looks pointedly at Tenya* to stop being an idiot and for things to go back to how they were when everyone was getting along.

All for One - Believes muggles are beneath wizards and witches, and so he wants to get rid of them.

14. what do you like about this WIP?

This was my first ever fanfic, and I've been working on it for a little over three years now(started posting in October 2019). I have a strong attachment to it because I've been working so hard on it for so long.

I really like the Dabi/Shinsou in the fic. Initially, this ship was meant to be more background, with the main focus of Shinsou's character being his escape from the abusive foster home he lives in...but I really liked the way the two students were drawn to each other and the way they interacted when I wrote them, so the ship kind of grew from there.

I also liked playing around with character assignments. When I first told my brother that Izuku was going to be in Slytherin, he nearly jumped out of his seat going "what?! How does that work?!!!!" lol. But I think my reasoning is logical. Izuku has ambition, maybe even more than Katsuki. Slytherin highly values ambition. I also really like drawing out the plotting side to Izuku, which is a bit of what happens with him being in Slytherin. And honestly, the fact that Izuku in the original source material takes the hair from All Might and agrees to be his successor in order to be a hero screams to me "I will do anything to meet my goal". On the other side of it, Katsuki is a Gryffindor. Yes, he has ambition, but he won't do 'by any means necessary'. He actually has his own guidelines for himself (evidenced by the Sports Festival where he is angry and refusing to accept first place because he knows Todoroki didn't give their fight his all and feels that means he hasn't actually earned the first place title). Honour and Bravery are Katsuki's thing. I did a lot of thinking for every character I assigned a house in this fic, so it took a long time to actually plan it all out.

I took liberties with ages and de-aged a lot of characters to have several of them all be students together, which was also fun because it allowed for more interactions between the antagonists and protagonists to happen organically in the fic.

I also really love how Inko in this fic finds her spine far sooner and is not afraid to speak her mind from the get-go. In the very first chapter, she is traumatized along with Izuku and Katsuki. And at that moment, she decides to do what she can to make sure they're safe. This led to a very interesting interaction between her, Aizawa, and All Might when the boys initially get invited to Hogwarts. I based a lot of it on the part in the anime where teachers are going around apologizing to parents and explaining the dormitories and asking permission for students to live on-grounds. She really stood her ground there and I loved how strong she was even as she had tears in her eyes. Inko is a Queen.

There you have it! Thank you again, friend, for asking me this. It really helped me iron some things out for the part I'm writing right now. Love you tons!

#asks #ask game #kimium #writing asks #feel free to ask more if you like #this is really helping me

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ivettel · 1 year

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you’re giving me f1 driver anakin brainworms and i’m entirely here for it. i would honestly love to hear more of your thoughts on it because this is now all i will think about for the next three to five business days.

HI KAYLA. thank you for asking about this! sorry for taking literally forever, i had a great many thoughts.. and i shall attempt to summarize them without writing a dissertation!

ANAKIN AS A RED BULL DRIVER okay so like right off the bat we literally have hayden in rbr merch. and he calls them the dark side (and cheers for them in their worst race of the season/lifetime at that point LMAOO) and so there’s a case to be made about red bull anakin. i see it. in that instance i rlly think he’d be like red bull seb where his whole ~fall to the dark side~ is a) because he’s a petty queen b) he doesn’t know when to quit c) the sound of « multi twenty-one, anakin. yeah. multi twenty-one.��» like cmon. child prodigy. brilliant driver. caring to a fault. cocky little brat. god’s (schumi’s/schumi equivalent's) chosen one. who else?

(some people in my mentions were like oh anakin would be like max and. no??? first of all my boy LIKES to race. secondly anakin has a personality. thirdly and most importantly imo: one of the most fundamental parts of anakin’s character is that he was a slave. he was Fucked Up By The World, Severely. he turns his back on the jedi bc he thinks they’re self-serving sanctimonious bastards who only uphold ‘order’ insofar as it benefits the wealthy/powerful. if anakin was real he’d be a white leftist. SORRY getting sidetracked)

ANAKIN AS A FERRARI DRIVER so hear me out because he’s the furthest thing from a ferrari driver but i have done enough mental gymnastics to justify this to myself. he’s the chosen one to bring ferrari back to schumi/schumi equivalent glory days. he lives and breathes ferrari/the force, seems to have been birthed by it. haha. he’s the most talented the sport has seen in forever, and he also has the work ethic to back it up (yes sw anakin’s work ethic is fuelled by his abandonment issues and desperate need to be accepted but we’ll skip over that. i’m lusional about this. he works hard because he loves it. whatever).

this leads me to OBI-WAN AS A FERRARI DRIVER wherein: qui-gon and schumi.. well. but obi-wan is also assigned tifoso at birth and he loves ferrari and believes in it so much. and he tries his hardest to make things work but he’s negotiating just to survive team politics among the higherups. and it Sucks. he wants to restore order glory to ferrari! and he does his best!! he’s just… never enough on his own. and he sees anakin come on board like i resent you wholly because you represent all my failures but i recognize your talent and believe the team comes first so i will tolerate and work with/mentor you. and anakin is like Actually i’m a selfish prick and better than you and i’m going to fuck over the last bit of your career and step over your corpse if it means i can be a champion with ferrari. if this sounds like 2019 ferrari no it doesn’t look away.

the most important part of this entire shtick is him and padmé btw. she’s a strategist at like sauber when he first enters the sport and anytime anakin interacts with her he becomes a blushing mess. she thinks he’s hopeless but she admits he isn’t so bad a driver and if going on a date will make him focus more on the job and less on impressing her then like FINE she’ll go out with him. in secret because there can’t be any conflicts of interest. also if she marries him when he goes to red bull or ferrari nobody’s gotta know except HR and lawyers. Whatever!

ANYWAY. bottom line is that anakin is the firecracker with the weight of destiny on his shoulders, whether that be in red bull where he’s propelling the team to greatness in the most dominant years of the sport’s history or in ferrari where he’s ruthless in becoming top dog. he is, also, a malewife and babygirl. i hope this answer was satisfactory!

#sw/racing #genius bar #kayla 🏷

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yunhao5237419 · 2 years

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IDES1262 Week 9 - Preparing a 3d scan for printing

For this week's task, 3 software were applied. Unfortunately, the worst week of mine...

I started by downloading the file and exported to Rhino. By using the "Quad ReMesh" tool in Rhino 7, the original messy triangulated mesh became a clean quad. I've done this part successfully in fact, it was a good start indeed. However, upcoming steps were my nightmare I'm afraid to say...

For orientating the model correctly, I followed the steps as listed in the brief. Tried these steps over and over again for several hours didn't provide me a successful result. I guess I went wrong on the 3rd step, in which I have to position the gimbal at the base of the bottle, but I didn't know what to do in order to achieve a right solution.

I also employed "FFD 4x4x4", a boxed outline for scale references. I think I did this part ok, at least did not get myself a disappointing result.

In terms of fixing the dent, I also tried with several different ways. I started with vertexes and edges, which barely worked. I then used "Relax" tool to make it happened, roughly happened (at least better than the original dent).

Opened Cura with an incorrectly oriented bottle, sliced with a 10% infill (default) input to calculate the approximate printing time (I chose the 3D printer of UNSW as the reference). Due to Covid situations, I did not 3D print out the bottle:(

However, this doesn't mean I will learn nothing about 3D printings. Here's a throw back of a non-school project I did in 2019 in UNSW before the spread of the virus. The aim was to make some replacements of my bicycle's headset cover. Normal bicycle headset covers are aluminum, so I thought there is an opportunity for me to make some resin ones for achieving more "lightweight". So I immediately measured all the dimensions needed, came up with 3 different set of designs, and printed them out without any error, unexpectedly.

3D printed headset cover prototype fitment test, perfect! Can't post the video here on Tumblr so screenshots instead. Also tested the strength and rigidity of these for more than a year of high intensity BMX and MTBMX riding, no problem at all.

To summarize for this week, probably the worst week since I did not achieve the requirements of the brief properly even though I made numerous attempts. I need to understand the logic of 3DS MAX furthermore through fair amounts of practices to make everything less complicated for future projects by 3DS MAX. A very challenging week for me indeed.

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toloveawarlord · 4 months

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2023 has ended! It's a new year!

For the short version: I am looking forward to the year and leaving my past failures behind me. I want to write more and do things that make me happy. I am also learning to balance an 8 hr work shift and running a side business all in a short day! It's been a year ya'll!

For a more detailed musing:

New years is the time where resets happen! An entire 365 Days to do what I didn't do last year. As absolutely cliche as it is, I've always liked the idea of a "new" year. Especially since this year I'll be 30! I'm not afraid of age, because my brain doesn't grasp time like neurotypicals, so I'm not dreading an arbitrary number that means nothing to me. But society makes into a line in the sand for adulthood and having some semblance of having one's life together- which I find fascinating but that's a whole other rabbit hole.

*As a tiny caveat, I am speaking solely about my own views and feelings. So no need to give the ole' "everyone does things at their own pace" because I already know that truth and have applied that to give myself a whole lotta grace!*

Where I was headed with the above ramble is that I've been busy. Super, insanely, busy. The busiest I've been in my entire life, probably, in an attempt to create something for myself to be financially stable in some way.

Since injuring my back in 2019, I was receiving treatment and on workers comp for about 3 years, until workers comp settled with me and all the doctors said "you're stuck with your pain for the rest of your life and we can't do anything else - peace out". Then came the ugly reality of being disabled and also being failed by the SSA of getting any kind of support for said disability

That brings us to 2023!

After my fourth denial for disability, I was desperately in need of income and health insurance for all the medications I take.

And to jump forward a bit --> I got a job in April at a call center that would be work from home after training and I also started a side business of selling anime merch. That was a tough start, doing both at the same time. I was also diagnosed with ADHD and am currently medicated, and actually started to feel like somewhat of person.

So, why am I putting all this on my tumblr blog?

Well, for one, because I want to have some record of 2023 because I won't be doing any "Fics of 2023" post due to the fact that I barely wrote anything!

But also, to remove last years failures and continue to move forward!

My writing was stalled out by how overwhelmed I was. I wanted to write. I have notebooks filled with half finished fics, oc stuff, etc that I jotted down when I could.

To summarize, here is how my day goes:

11 AM/Noon: Struggle to get out of bed and get the day started

Noon to 3PM: this is my 3 hrs of daytime before work. Where I either went out and ran errands/dropped off packages or stayed in and did cleaning, work on the side hustle, etc)

3PM: Get ready for work and get all my programs up and runnning

3:30 to Midnight: My work schedule with 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch.

Midnight to usually 1 or 2 AM: Wind down and relax as best possible.

That is my typical "work day" and that's not including doing things that I enjoy like video games, writing, playing with my dog, etc. Honestly, there really aren't enough hours in a day.

All of this factors into why this blog has been vacant of my writing this year. I have struggled to find a balance to all of it. And I'm still struggling as my side business is expanding and I am the sole person doing this. But I am working on finding a good balance for it all.

That is basically my 2023 in a nutshell. A whirlwind of a new job, a side business, and attempting to not go completely insane from it all.

My biggest highlight of 2023 was attending my first convention and had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erika Harlacher-Stone! I had such a blast and plan to attend again next year!

Here is to 2024 and all the good things that I am manifesting for myself. Also, some photos of my precious doggo for good luck!

#2023 #new year #leaving last year behind

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theghostpinesmusic · 6 months

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Eagle Cap Circumnavigation (1/4)

I'm never quite sure how to write about the Wallowas. They've been such an important part of my relationship with the wilderness over the last twelve years that it feels like I either need to write an entire book about them or write nothing. I went on this hike around Eagle Cap way back at the beginning of September, so you guess which of those two options I've chosen so far. Now that I'm finally sitting down and typing, I'll try not to write a book.

In short (for now, at least), the Wallowas are a range of stunningly beautiful mountains tucked away in the northeast corner of Oregon. Though my first "real" alpine experience was on Washington's Mount Adams (another adventure I've only ever referred obliquely to in writing, but will write about directly one of these days), the Wallowas is where I went almost immediately afterward to expand on my newfound love for the mountains. At the time, I lived in eastern Washington, and it was a short(ish) three-hour drive to both the Seven Devils mountains and the Wallowas from my apartment. I took a few trips to both in the late summer and early fall of 2011. It was a mixed bag, to be honest, by my 2023 standards: I was inexperienced and the fun parts were only fun due to sheer luck. The bad parts were, well, bad (I drove all the way to the Wallowas once and immediately drove back home, spending the last of my money on gas in the process, because I didn't know how to read a map yet and got lost a mile away from the trailhead).

Getting lost multiple times, suffering from dehydration for no real good reason, and other such amateur mistakes aside, though, those early trips were great. I loved the sparse, sharp landscape of the Devils (an affinity that would probably help fuel my unalloyed love for the Three Sisters Wilderness years later), but the Wallowas completely blew my mind. Camping by a stream at the bottom of a cirque, alone in the woods at night for only the second time in my life, then waking up and scrambling up and across the Hurricane Divide to the summit of Sacajawea Peak made me feel like Ed Abbey if Ed Abbey was completely invincible. In an homage to Desert Solitaire, I tried to ride a huge, flat rock back down the cirque like a sled. I somehow managed not to crack my head open and emerged with only a tear in the seat of my hiking pants for my trouble. And that was that: I was obsessed.

For the sake of writing a not-book here, I'll summarize from here out: a few years of backpacking and climbing adventures in the Wallowas - solo and with friends, all memorable - followed. Once Lindsey got into backpacking, too, the Wallowas became "our" place: we drove up from southern Oregon once a summer for three years in a row starting in 2017 to take on a series of increasingly ambitious backpacking trips, as well as a summit of the Matterhorn (easily one of my favorite hiking/climbing routes ever). By 2019, it was a tradition, and it felt like an unspoken fact that every September until our legs fell off we would drive up to Joseph, Oregon and head into the Wallowas from there.

Then, of course, COVID happened, in addition to a series of particularly bad wildfire years. For three summers, we stayed closer to home. I got obsessed with the Trinity Alps, and the Wallowas got relegated to "someday."

Well, this past September, after nearly a month of sitting in the house working instead of using my summer break to travel and go on adventures because wildfires had (once again) buried most of the West in smoke, the air around Joseph suddenly cleared up and, barring the start of a new fire, was forecast to stay clear for the foreseeable future.

Lindsey had just started a new job, and I didn't exactly relish the idea of driving all the way to northeast Oregon by myself. Hiking in the Wallowas alone felt a bit like sacrilege at this point in my life. But I'd been stuck at home for so long that when it came down to it, I made myself pack up my bags and start driving because I knew it would be even sadder to not go at all than it would be to go alone.

My previous trips into the Wallowas had all started from Joseph or nearby Enterprise. They had all been hikes of the best-known spots in the range: the Lakes Basin, Eagle Cap, Glacier Lake, Aneroid Lake, the Matterhorn, and so on. I had always entered the range from the north and looped around to end each hike back in civilization. Because of this, I'd had the idea since 2019 of entering the range from the south, and taking a few days to hike up to the Lakes Basin from below before looping back to the south to return to the car. It wasn't until right before I left that I realized that the route I'd planned was, technically, a circumnavigation of Eagle Cap, the geographic heart and namesake of the wilderness. It was a fun bonus.

But, access to the range from the south meant traveling through more...sparse territory than I was used to. The drive would take me out past Lakeview, Wagon Tire (population 13), and John Day to Baker City, where I had booked a hotel room so I could sleep comfortably for one night before continuing for another hour on dirt roads the next morning to the East Eagle trailhead and the beginning of the hike.

Because of the driving distance, I was hesitant to travel all the way out to Baker City for what would "just" be a four-day backpack. So, while planning the trip I got the idea in my head that I could also take a three-day trip through the Strawberry Mountain Wilderness near John Day, since it would be "on the way" back home. All told, my plan was to drive for a day, hike for four days in the Wallowas, sleep in a bed in Baker City for a night, drive to the Strawberry Mountains, hike for three days, and then drive back home to K-Falls. It was ambitious by my standards, but I kept telling myself I could bail any time I wanted to.

I almost did right away. I like wide open, relatively deserted places more than (I think) the average person, but the drive out to Baker City was even sparser than I remembered. For most of the drive, I kept wondering if this was a good use of my limited free time away from work, if I would be able to hack a four-day solo hike after nearly a month "off" from hiking, if being in the Wallowas at all would be depressing instead of exciting without Lindsey, and so on.

For most of the seven-hour drive, I teetered on the edge of just turning the car around and calling it quits, and then, as I rolled in to Baker City proper during what was, frankly, an epic sunset, blaring The War On Drugs' song "I Don't Live Here Anymore," I caught my first view of the Wallowas in four years, fifty miles away still but standing against the horizon like dragon teeth lit red and orange with alpenglow. Instantly, it felt almost as much like coming home as actually coming home does. I knew I'd made the right decision. I checked into my hotel, scarfed down some fast food, took one last look at the mountains from the hotel balcony, and then tried to fall asleep in spite of my excitement.

The next morning's drive really hammered home what would become a theme throughout the trip: the southern side of the range is definitely more remote, more wild, than the relatively civilized north side. The drive to the East Eagle trailhead was actually pretty straightforward navigationally, but where you drive a few miles around Wallowa Lake on fully paved roads to get to the "main" northern trailheads, this was a dirt road the switchbacked steeply up and down drainages for nearly an hour. When I parked the car alongside the East Fork Eagle River, it was alongside three other cars, not the near-hundred that usually populate the lot at the West Fork Wallowa trailhead.

Due to the terrain of the drive, it was later than I'd planned for once I finally hit the trail. While it was only a six-mile hike to my destination for the first night - Crater Lake (not that one) - it was also a 4,000 foot climb, which would be one of the steepest climbs I'd ever done with a full pack in a single day. Suffice to say, I expected to go a bit slower than usual.

Then, almost immediately after leaving the trailhead, I got lost. This would not be the last time this happened on the trip. Luckily, this time, with twelve years' more experience under my belt, this was not a "turn around and go home" situation. I sorted things out pretty quickly and got going the right way again...but I was not exactly brimming with confidence at this point. Also, my stomach was, for some reason, starting to get very upset about what I'd chosen to eat for breakfast. I started climbing.

Before long, some of my trepidation faded away as the gain in altitude revealed a gorgeous granite face across the river from me. The fact that this summit doesn't even have a name should give you some idea of how ridiculous the rest of the Wallowas are.

The trail up to Crater Lake is a series of well-graded but seemingly endless switchbacks as you climb nearly a mile over the course of six miles. One of Lindsey and I's favorite things about hiking in the Wallowas in September is the fall colors that have emerged in the foliage, and about 2,000 feet into the climb up I started to see the yellows, reds, and oranges emerging from the ground cover.

Right about here is also where I started seeing tons of bear scat. It was full of huckleberries, which reminded me to pick a few huckleberries of my own from the paltry few that remained on the bushes that lined the trail here and there. Of course, the scat also reminded me to move a little more slowly, make a little more noise, and generally just try to avoid sneaking up on a black bear by mistake: something that would have been easy to do in the tall ground cover. Most of the scat wasn't more than a day or so old, which made this section nerve-wracking for a bit, especially since I was on some of the steeper, narrower switchbacks, so if I did end up having to confront a black bear, I wouldn't really have an easy way of getting off the trail and out of its way. Fortunately, I passed up and into a more open, view-filled area before long and was able to breathe easier.

I had climbed nearly 3,000 feet up before I got a truly clear view of Krag Peak looming over me. Despite my ascent, it was still 2,000 feet above me as I stopped to take one of many water breaks.

About 800 feet below the lake's elevation, there was a brief break where the trail flattened out. I took one more break here, and looked back at the foliage one more time before ascending up through a series of switchbacks that would carry me into truly rocky, less green territory.

I'd be lying if I said that this climb wasn't hard, but it definitely was not as hard as I'd feared. That said, when I passed the small and cozy-looking Pika Lake about a quarter mile before reaching Crater Lake, I definitely considered calling it a day there instead, but continued on. I was glad I did. Before long, Crater Lake and the surrounding expanse spread out before me.

Crater Lake is a reservoir, so it has a bit of an unnatural appearance that, if you're holding it to a very pristine, British-Romantics-ish standard, you might find it lacking. However, the water was clear and blue, and Red Mountain and Granite Mountain (both in the photo above, you can guess which is which) loom over the lake in a way that pictures just don't capture. My late start aside, I had still reached the lake about an hour earlier than I'd planned, and a few hours before sunset. It was supposed to be a pretty mild evening, temperature-wise, but the wind was blowing moderately hard and some rain clouds were hovering on the horizon, so I decided to spend my extra time neurotically searching for The Best Camp Spot Possible.

This quest led me more or less in a circle around the entire lake, and eventually led to a long conversation with another solo hiker who would end up being the only other camper at Crater Lake that night. Having been to the lake before, he recommended a few sites to me, though I ended up settling on the south side, across the lake from him. My spot had a great view of Truax Mountain in one direction and the aforementioned Red and Granite Mountains in the other.

I pitched my tent beside a huge fallen tree, which cut the wind quite a bit, and set to work replenishing calories until the sun went down.

Even after dinner, my stomach was still extremely upset after whatever I'd done to it before leaving Baker City, so the bad news was that I didn't fall asleep in a timely manner. The good news was I was able to use the extra awake-time to take some astrophotographs of the surrounding area...at least until some rain showers blew in up the pass and drove me into my tent for the night for good. I was close enough to hear the rush of the outflow from Crater Lake, and, eventually, a few frogs joined in. Rain pattered intermittently against the tent fly, and I dozed off.

I had planned a longer-than-usual hike for the next day. What I didn't know when I fell asleep was that it would end up being the longest single-day hike I've ever done on a backpacking trip.

#backpacking #hiking #photos #camping #traveling #wallowas #eagle cap wilderness #mountains #eastern oregon

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aquiescentraconteur · 7 months

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My sweet darling girl,

These last few days, I've been in a steady loop with specific pieces of art, music, quotes, paintings...

When I'm feeling lost in life, I tend to gravitate toward art; it reassures me and gives me a sense of safety and stability in my heart. It's not anything I can explain; it's simply something I feel. It's as though I need to find a piece of myself somewhere in those snippets of life.

My obsessions are recurring, at least in terms of the objects of my passion. I've been falling asleep to the same music again and over. As soon as I get up in the morning, I put on the same songs and the same rythms. I stare at the same painting for several minutes at a time as time flies by.

Look at this post as if it’s an art recollection of your mother in her 20s, if you had to summarize your mom in this part of her life, this would be it:

youtube

If you ever need them, use them.

They have helped me immeasurably, I hope they can do the same for you.

Love,

Mom, September 19th 2023

#Youtube

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crowdvscritic · 8 months

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round up // AUGUST 23

Well, it’s been a month. In August, I…

Quit a job

Started a new job

Went to the emergency room for two unplanned surgeries to remove my gallbladder

Celebrated a birthday

Yeesh, I’m exhausted just thinking about it, though not nearly as exhausted as I was just after surgery. My recovery has been steady, but it’s also been slow, which means little victories have included eating solid food and going a full day without napping. With that energy level, you can bet how I spent my short waking hours: watching a lot of movies! (I also read two books—I had some time!) My viewing in the two weeks at the hospital and recovering at home was a combo of Turner Classic Movies’ annual Summer Under the Stars celebration (with 24 hours of programming dedicated to classic movie stars like Stella Stevens, Jackie Cooper, and Greer Garson) and of comfort food faves (including ‘90s action flicks, ’00s rom-coms, and…Mary Kate and Ashley movies). You can see everything I watched in those two weeks on Letterboxd because between the sleepiness and pain meds, I needed a way to remember what was going on. I’m not sure what it says about me, but the idea of staying overnight in the hospital for the first time became a lot easier once I realized their cable packaged included TCM…

It’s also been four years. Yes, August marks both my birthday and the birthday of these Round Ups. In the last four years, I’ve rounded up…

6 stage shows

10 museums

14 concerts and events

15 series of Saturday Night Live sketches

20 podcasts

21 books

46 musical selections

49 TV shows

52 collections of articles, social media fun, and new movie trailers

421 movies

Yes, I’m excited just thinking about all those Crowd and Critic selections, though my pace going forward will slow some. Going through so many life events in just a few weeks makes you take stock of how you’re spending your time and energy, and my motto is becoming, “If it ain’t easy, it better be worth it.” If I hate cooking, why do I make myself do it every week? And if writing a Round Up with 20 picks is challenging to squeeze in every month, then it’s time to make adjustments. Author Ingrid Fetell Lee summarized this philosophy well (and provided some practical suggestions) in her blog post “12 Ways to Be Gentle With Yourself” this month. In that spirit, Round Ups are becoming more exclusive as two Top Fives. Keep reading to see which movies, concert, book, album, and articles earned coveted this month's coveted spots...

August Crowd-Pleasers

1. Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

I could summarize the plot of this big dumb shark movie, but Bill Hader said it best on SNL:

Since the trailer surprisingly didn’t give most of the best moments away, I’ll remain coy and just say I spent a lot of Jason Statham’s newest charisma-fest laughing out loud. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 6.5/10

2. Jonas Brothers: The Tour

68 songs! 5 albums! 1 night! As I have recommended Jonas content no fewer than four times in the last 4 years of these Round Ups, you should not be surprised to see this here. Like in 2019, I turned into an embarrassing fangirl freak at this show, singing along with every single song (though finding I really need to beef up on few Happiness Begins tracks) and shaking my sister with excitement every 15 minutes. (I think she was vibrating at the same energy? It's also possible she's just learned it's better to smile and nod when I'm like this.) The boys’ showmanship and knack for shelling out bops do not disappoint.

3. Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld (2023)

A jaded comedy writer (basically Tina Fey) for a late night sketch show (basically Saturday Night Live) discovers a spark with a singer-songwriter rock star hosting an episode (basically John Mayer). So yes…this is an extreme overlap of my interests. Like SNL, this novel does at times lean into saucier and cruder content than I prefer, but the descriptions of the TV show’s behind-the-scenes process and of the relationship between a celebrity and a normie felt so authentic I had to Google Sittenfeld to see if these were based on her own experiences. The best part? A third of the book is a series of email exchanges in the style of You’ve Got Mail. Again, I told you it’s an extreme Venn diagram of my interests!

4. You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah (2023)

I mostly avoided Adam Sandler until 2020—somehow I’d only seen Happy Gilmore and Bedtime Stories before the pandemic. But since May of that year, I’ve watched 17 of them, and it’s time I finally just admit I’m an unironic fan of his, and now of his daughters, too! Bat Mitzvah is the update to Sixteen Candles we didn’t know we needed, and one of its pleasant surprises is Sandler is happy to stand back and watch his daughters shine (as Taylor Swift would say). His supporting role is the perfect choice for a comedy designed to launch his daughters’ Sunny and Sadie’s careers as leads, and Alison Peck’s sincere, funny script describes the pre-teen girl experience honestly. While there’s plenty of overlap with Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret., it’s not a rehash, which makes the pair a perfect double feature. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7/10

5. The Rocketeer (1991)

This action-adventure lives in the world we only imagine 1940s Hollywood to be, one where you could date an Errol Flynn-esque movie star (Timothy Dalton) after he notices you on set, one where you could accidentally find a rocket designed by Howard Hughes, and one where Bonnie and Clyde-style drive-by shoot-outs are everyday occurrences. With Billy Campbell, Jennifer Connelly, Alan Arkin, and a dash of the spirit of Indiana Jones, my only regret is I didn’t watch this years ago. Crowd: 10/10 // Critic: 8/10

More August Crowd-Pleasers: Elvis goes gaga in Hawaii for Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962), a musical comedy both corny and winning; Arnold Schwarzenegger goes ham on militants who kidnap his daughter in Commando (1985), an action flick both corny and thrilling; Michael J. Fox is a former child star who discovers a future child star in the comedy Life With Mikey (1993), the kind of family movie we don’t get enough of today; Sally Hawkins tells the true story of an amateur historian who discovered the remains of The Lost King (2022) Richard III in a drama with a fantastical twist; Paramount+ continues to abuse my nostalgia, but I continue to let them because Carly and Freddie are finally together in the third (and best) season of the iCarly reboot; like every Muny production, Sister Act was a blast on stage

August Critic Picks

1. Carole-thon!

Fun fact: Every Carole Lombard movie I’ve watched since starting this Round Up has become a monthly recommendation—why stop now? Lombard was TCM’s star of the day on August 18th, and it only took one viewing to realize I wanted to marathon everything on my DVR. Most of these titles are short and sweet screwball rom-coms, which means you can knock out quite a few of these in just an afternoon:

No Man of Her Own (1932) - Lombard falls for a con man (real-life future husband Clark Gable)—could she be the one to set him straight?

The Gay Bride (1934) - Lombard marries a gangster for his money, but her true love might be his second-in-command

Lady by Choice (1934) - Burlesque dancer Lombard “adopts” a mother for some positive PR, but she ends up getting more than she bargained for

Hands Across the Table (1935) - Lombard is a manicurist seeking a rich husband, but Manic Pixie Dream Boy Fred MacMurray throws a wrench in that plan

The Princess Comes Across (1936) - Lombard is a con woman pretending to be a princess on an ocean liner, but her plans get tangled with another person's secrets (MacMurray)

True Confession (1937) - Lombard is a compulsive liar married to a compulsive truth-telling lawyer (MacMurray again) defending her for a murder she didn’t commit

Swing High, Swing Low (1937) - Lombard and MacMurry (for the last time) are musicians caught in a romantic, bi-continental melodrama

Fools for Scandal (1938) - The cutest little rom-com about a hotheaded American actress falling in love with an affable European fellow this side of Notting Hill!

In Name Only (1939) - Lombard and Cary Grant fight for their relationship even though his bitter wife won’t allow for a divorce

2. Executive Suite (1954)

1950s Glengarry Glen Ross! William Holden, Barbara Stanwyck, June Allyson, Fredric March, Walter Pidgeon, and Shelley Winters vie for the seat at the head of the executive table when the president suddenly dies, and together they create a summum bonum of character dramas. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

3. No Secrets by Carly Simon (1972)

I know I’m the actual last person on Earth to realize the greatness of this album from a career that, among many accomplishments, paved the way for songwriters like Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo. “You’re So Vain” is a banger with no less bite than 50 years ago, and the record is filled with gems start-to-finish.

4. Edge of Darkness (1943)

TCM’s August 5th star Errol Flynn and their August 28th star Ann Sheridan are fighting for their small fishing village, their families, and their love against brutal Nazi occupiers. I couldn't find comprehensive resources to clarify how much of this action-thriller is historically accurate (the novel it’s based on doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page!), but this gritty story of Norwegian resistance captures a similar spirit to some of the best World War II films, equal parts Indiana Jones and Casablanca. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

5. Good Reads

#BillionGirlSummer:

"It's #BillionGirlSummer: Taylor, Beyoncé and Barbie Made for One Epic Trifecta,” NPR.com (2023)

“Talking With ‘Swiftie Dads’ at a Taylor Swift Concert,” GQ.com (2023)

“Nearly 1 Out of 4 of ‘Barbie’ Viewers Hadn’t Gone to the Movies Since COVID,” IndieWire.com (2023)

Hollywood appears to be meeting a long-overdue reckoning:

“The Binge Purge,” vulture.com (2023)

"Anonymous Strike Diary: ‘Our Souls Were Cracking … but Then the AMPTP F***ed Up,’” HollywoodReporter.com (2023)

“Orange Is the New Black Signalled the Rot Inside the Streaming Economy,” NewYorker.com (2023)

“Mandy Moore Says She Once Got a Check for a Penny for This Is Us Streaming Residuals,” HollywoodReporter.com (2023)

“David Zaslav, Hollywood Antihero,” NewYorker.com (2023)

Film history and criticism:

“The 100 Best Movies of the Past 10 Decades,” TIME.com (2023)

“The Fate of the Critic in the Clickbait Age,” NewYorker.com (2017)

“The Instrumentalist,” NYBooks.com (2022)

“The Bradley Cooper “Jewface” Controversy Isn’t Really About That Nose,” slate.com (2023)

And a grab bag of worthwhile thoughts, interviews, and news:

“Reese Witherspoon Is Starting a New Chapter,” HarpersBazaar.com (2023)

“To Help Cool a Hot Planet, the Whitest of White Coats,” NYTimes.com (2023)

“Beyoncé, Tumblr, and ‘Harlem Shake’: Revisiting Pop’s Most Pivotal Year,” TheDailyBeast.com (2023)

“Elon Musk’s Shadow Rule,” NewYorker.com (2023)

“Why You Rarely Believe Celebrity Apologies on Social Media,” BBC.com (2023)

More August Critic Picks: The kid-and-his-dog dramedy about one of the goodest doggos who ever did live, Tough Guy (1936), hits you right in the heart; Errol Flynn thrills again in a search for sunken treasure that might claim his soul in Mara Maru (1952)

Also in August…

The world’s slowest Best Picture Project continues with 1942’s Mrs. Miniver, a genuinely moving piece of war propaganda. Read my Crowd and Critic reviews.

Until September wraps, you can follow what I’m watching creating lists for on Letterboxd. In August, I updated my rankings of 2023 product movie rankings and Christopher Nolan films by Dead Wife Energy, and I also found some weird overlaps between the August releases Blue Beetle and Meg 2 (warning: spoilers!).

Photo credits: Jonas Brothers, Romantic Comedy, Carly Simon, Good Reads. All others IMDb.com.

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writingmochi · 10 months

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lissie love ~

i apologize for my absence, i have been resting well these past few days…

oh no, i am sorry to hear that social media has such a strong effect on you… i know that there are so many platforms and so many people. it is almost overwhelming, seeing that humans as creatures are not meant to interact with so many people at once…

that is actually very clever on your part. there is a reason for everything ~

i agree wholeheartedly. it works very similarly in both cases. and that is an interesting quote, worded somewhat quirkily, but true nonetheless. everyone has that interest where they dedicate themselves entirely and i think it is rather neat that way. we all share that in some small way ~

it is especially true in k-pop, considering how complicated the lore can get these days. i myself am still not very good at understanding k-pop lore… the stories get too complicated for me and i need it explained secondhand to truly grasp it… do you have a favorite storyline from a k-pop group?

signed, 🩻

lissie: i'm sorry for the late reply, x-ray!

yeah... i've spoken about this with smiles when i did my anon reveal so I'll try reiterate it here. since i used social media from when i was 6 years old (my mom made me a facebook page so i could play games), it's been a part of my life that just makes me sick, especially with the so-called "innovation" that is just tech companies copying each other. i tried to erase my real identity from the internet as best as i could and let my internet persona/brand flourish instead. reasons as to why can be summarized into: i'm tired of seeing too much information and i don't wanna compare myself to others. building boundaries and quitting some social media that i use helps me to heal in a way...

aww thanks for that actually! i'll try my best to structure my stories in the most optimal way!

about the "everyone is a nerd of something" comment, i just think that it is much more fascinating when you try to plunge into the fandom yourself. but in order to do that, you have to have an open mindset too of course before you decide if you wanna join or not. i used to be in toxic fandoms before usually in kpop fandoms and i realizes that i like my position better as a casual listener sometimes fan in certain situations, like me with txt in a way where i don't follow each of their activities, watch their vlogs, etc and just be there for the music, to do, and live performance if it's worth it for me to go

i thought about it that way because i used to have a parasocial relationship with kpop idols (i think i still have the residue of it too right now) but it is not as strong as years ago because, ngl, i'm sick of being known as the kpop girl. and at the right time, kpop is introduced to a younger audience who, i'm sorry to say this, is much more susceptible to the toxicity of both the fandom sphere and the internet (possessiveness, parasocial relationship, ddos attacks, defensive behavior that might be too much, etc). because of that, i realized it is my time to actually venture out of the kpop bubble and ignite more interests. that's why i've been most attracted to geeky stuff like dungeons and dragons, indie video games, and even cinema where i found out about festival films that are much more exciting than blockbusters playing in the theater.

i would say that my favorite kpop storyline as of recently is ateez's. i like how creative it is with the theme of struggling people turned musical pirates turned revolutionary anarchists with the theme of music being the thing that set them free. for clean storytelling, i would also say bts hyyh storyline that spans from 2015-2019-ish i forgot. it's the first "mainstream" kpop storyline because, before them, most groups have an interesting concept that doesn't have any storyline (exo with superpowers and b.a.p as aliens coming to earth) and bts universe is pretty grounded if you remove the time travelling stuff. loona's lore is another one that i love because it connects member's concept and sound, subunits' concept and sound, and then the whole group's and its combination. other notable ones are onf, billlie, and nct 2018 & 2020

kpop lore is a double-edged sword in my opinion. you could make it right and make it connected to the group concept and each of their releases while sometimes you might do it too much that it actually turns people off. for this i use ateez and enhypen as examples. i always think that ateez's pirate/anarchist concept is blend so much into the branding of ateez like music video, merch, promotion, and it blends in well that it lets the group experiment with genres that could be implemented into the concept. while in enhypen's case, i think the addition of the storyline is too jarring in a way. we knew they're orphaned/runaway vampires based on given-taken but then why did they go to supernatural school for drunk-dazed and tamed-dashed to then abandoned that to make them be a rebellious vampire group for blessed-cursed and future perfect before returning back to their more vampiric twilight-esque concept for bite me? it doesn't flow well at all if we compare it to ateez's treasure, fever, and the world series

other than that, the concept of enhypen's storyline is not as blurry as ateez because the company is making intellectual property out of this. that makes it feel disconnected from the group instead of making the group inherit it. enhypen doesn't fully capitalized on the vampire concept because hybe is too ambitious by making ips out of their groups (bts with hyyh n chako, txt with star seekers, enhypen and &team with dark blood, le sserafim with crimson heart). i now know that hybe sees their groups as cash cows while kq sees ateez as an investment. also, you don't hear people utter the words "enhypen is the vampires of kpop" like how people say "ateez is the pirates of kpop"...

#message to the moon #i'm so fucking passionate about this lol #maybe i should be a creative director #messenger: robin-obsessed

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fillintheblanksplease · 1 year

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Okay okay okay - for real this time.

For some reason I've been wanting to write more. I haven't acted on it much, but there has been a growing desire. In an effort to better myself, I'm trying to be less hard on myself. Like a lot less hard on myself. At the same time, I'm trying to hold myself accountable. With that said, I can't help but want to point out the fact that it's hilarious that I start off this post mentioning how I've wanted to write more, but that I haven't acted on it. That's just typical me, isn't it? Wanting something, but not acting on it. If you really had to summarize my life down - that could be it right there. A man that wanted things, but never acted on those desires. So while I try to cut myself some slack (as you can see, I'm pretty mean to myself in previous posts) - I need to hold myself accountable. I don't know if that's step 1 or step 50. But it's a step that needs to be taken.

I've been thinking a lot lately - just about my life, where it's headed, the circumstances that led me to my current life. Things could be so much worse, couldn't they be? On that same token, things could be so much better. The only thing that is preventing things from being even better is myself. I feel as though there are gaps in my life - years where just about zero fun occured. But the truth is, I try and hide the parts of my life where I'm unhappy with my physical appearance. I have a pretty extensive, well documented portable storage device full of photograhps and videos I've taken since about 2007ish. I can make this quick - I take tons of photos when I'm thin (admittingly, there's only a few of those years) and I take significantly less photos when I'm overweight (like currenlty)

I just look back at some photos from 2019 when I was working out and eating right. I look so happy. What's preventing me from living my life with that happiness all the time? The answer is me. If I can't be honest with myself, what is the point of this blog? It's time to get honest. Like really really honest.

I'm not physically attractive, in the classic sense. Whatever that means. Thin or fat. I'm not attractive. Weird hair. Round face. Sunken in eyes. Pale. I don't really have anything working for me in the physical department. I never will. Throughout my life, I've been compared to my older brothers. Honest to god, whatever god you believe in, they are all just objectively better off than me physically. All taller. All thinner. More athletic. This point has just always been drilled into my head, since I was a child. Why can't you be like your brothers? Your brothers are cute, but you? Ehh

Those are things that I can't change. I understand that. But what can I change? My weight. My fitness. I can change those things. I've changed them before. I can do it again.

To give myself a little credit, I'm definitely smarter than all those fuckers - no contest =] - I'm funnier too, but maybe that just comes with being the ugly one. Either way, I'm fine with it. This last go round with losing weight, my emphasis was just being the best version of myself. That's all I can ever try to do. Worrying about other people, comparing myself to them, it doesn't get me anywhere. So why even worry about it? Why waste that time? Why let those things consume me? I can't became a 6'3 star athelete. I can became a damn fit 5'11 (and 3/4in) motherfucker in his 30s.

The choice is mine. I need to constantly remind myself of that. The choice is mine. I just need to make the choice.

I find myself always being disappointed with others. I think that just stems from expecting things from other people. If I really just stop expecting things from others, they can't dissapoint me. But If I expect things from myself and act to make those expecations a reality? Well then I can't be let down, now can I?

I'm making this sound easy. Of course it's not this easy. But it is this easy you see. There are always going to be variables, things out of my control. But at the end of the day, I can only control what I can control. So step 1, let's do exactly fucking that. Let's control the things we can control - to the best of my ability. Sounds so simple. But I bet if I can act on that, my happiness will drastically improve.

I don't want to be that person who hides when a camera comes out, because I simply don't want to see myself in a photo. I don't want to be that person that makes up an excuse to skip out on an event, because I'm too embarrased to be seen. I just want to live my life. It's up to me and only me to put myself in a position where I can be happy with myself. I'm going to do it, for real this time.

Let's fucking go.

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kachinnate · 5 years

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as you all know, the only venting i ever post on here is reblogged subtle depression feels *sparkle emoji* or an explosion of all the shit that’s happened to me like every three months because i cannot take Any More under a read more

the three month deadline has come now

triggers below, check the tags please

this year has unabashedly been the worst year of my life.

and that sounds dramatic, and i know i could have it worse, and maybe i’m being selfish because literally all the things that have happened this year have been all inner turmoils and i’ve literally had years where my family went through financial struggles + death and stuff and even that doesn’t compare to the emotional toll i’ve went through this year but it’s just. bad. it’s so bad.

i don’t know how or why but my depression seemed to just fucking turn itself up 8 notches after january hit to the point where i had to tell my dad that i needed medical help lmao... and i got my first diagnosis, my first perscription.. and it didn’t work, so they upped the dosage, and that didn’t work, so now i’m on a new medicine which has a starting dosage of 150mg, and my doctor told me if this one didn’t work she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist, and i must have looked so broken and on the verge of tears when she said this because she immediately had to reassure me that this wasn’t a failure on my own part, which logically makes sense right, but at the same time it’s just so?? fucking disheartening?? after months of my upper dosage not working i just cold turkeyed them until my next appointment which probably wasn’t the Best Thing because shortly following that i realized that i wanted to k*ll mys*lf more in a two week period than i’d have ever in my entire life, and i thought that suicide idealization was an issue i struggled with since forever, but boy howdy was i wrong because these past couple of weeks have been sooooooo fuckin bad lmao. like i struggle opening my medicine because sometimes i dump like all of it out and just. look at it. in my hand. i never actually do it because i’m way too scared of having a seizure or my dad doing something stupid if i were dead but what if. what if what if what if. it’s more of an intrusive thought than me planning on it, but. what if. my new medication has a specific warning that it’s dangerous for overdoses which is. genuinely kind of scary. what if.

i realized that i don’t have anyone friendwise irl anymore over the course of this school year. to save you and myself the retelling of the most bullshit high school drama i’ve ever been apart of, i realized that all my friends in my Group (tm) couldn’t care any less about me than they already do. i’ve always adored them and loved them with all of my being, and yeah i am not endowed to their appreciation back i guess, but watching them slowly and gradually ditch me and exclude me and ignore me and go out of their way to show me that they don’t care about my existence has been the biggest fucking emotional blow. people outside of this group told me that they were awful people and bad for me and so incredibly toxic and guess what? i defended them and now the fact that i was wrong makes me want to tear my fucking guts out. i spent three whole years with these group of people only for them to decide in the past six months that i’m not worth it. i feel so fucking empty. one of those people was supposed to be my best friend of nine years. and i still fucking love him despite all of that, y’know? i love all of them even though they have made me sob every night over the latter course of a school year and feel unsafe in a club that i was once prominent in and that’s so bullshit and so unfair but it’s fine it’s whatever. and like, i should have seen it coming, because the build up was them treating me so fucking badly. it’s an ongoing joke that despite being rank 1 in my class, i’m.. an idiot? like it’s a joke that haha i’m short and haha i’m stupid and haha i can’t interact with people and i have debilitating anxiety and i make mistakes all the time and i’m the ditzy lesbian of our friend group, even when i express that i hate being called stupid but they just insist that they’re joking with me and that i’m too sensitive. i can count on one hand the amount of times they picked at me for my eating habits even though at least one of them knew i have a pretty bad ED. they picked and picked and picked at me and then when we have our first fight they all immediately fucking drop me, and i still love them and i still try to fix everything but suddenly i’m not worth the effort anymore. it’s draining. i’m so, so tired. outside of the toxic group(tm), anyone that was close to me as i friend (or otherwise) i ended up pushing away or drifting away from or fucking up the relationship on my own, and even if it’s ‘Okay’ on objective terms, to know that i fucked up something that was once really really nice and now i can’t even feel comfortable opening up a message first because i know i’ll get left on read or, even worse, have to read a one-sided, hardly caring/pitying conversation makes me just not want to bother at all. it’s so hard to reach out to the few people i know do kinda sorta care for me, but the fact that i’ve been absent for this long? it makes the few relationships i have strained and forced so i can’t even bring myself to put myself out there knowing that it’s only going to make me feel worse

working makes me?? so miserable ????? i worked at pizza hut up until the beginning of june and while i was good at it and i had friends there, i didn’t get paid enough so i had to quit. i started a new job. i fucking hate it. i actively dread going there. people refuse to train me or are incredibly fucking disrespectful/unfriendly to me if i ask for help or just don’t know how to do something. i feel bad ranting about it because every single person i’ve asked for advice from just says that i’ll get used to it or it’s in my head, which.... regardless of whether or not it is, making me feel like it’s my fault or that i’m being crazy makes me feel sooo fucking sick and like i’m actually insane. i heard it enough from my friends this year. i’m so tired of being blamed for things happening that, while they might be worsened by the anxiety in my head, it isn’t JUST THAT. sometimes things are just BAD but they’re not because I’M making them seem bad, they genuinely just are!!!! not everything is in my head !!!!! things can be upsetting with it being solely because i’m fucking anxious every moment of every fucking day !!!!! regardless i need money so i can’t quit but goddammit i hate every minute i’m not at my house.

all in all, i just feel so, so fucking alone. i have friends on here, and i’m so thankful for them - i’m so grateful to every lovely message i’ve gotten on anon and i’m so thankful for my buds on discord and i’m so thankful for streams and my stream team and i’m so thankful for people who follow me for musicals or art and actively talk to me about them - but it’s just.. here. when i log off and step back from my computer, i’m just immediately fucking alone again. if i were to disappear one day, no one would know what happened to me or where i went, and eventually no one would even care, given that anyone even noticed my absence to begin with. i’m so replaceable. i’m literally just another fucking face on here. another cutesy musical blog ran by a very, very fucking dysfunction kid

anytime i’m shown any shred of kindness, i just. start sobbing. like i cannot even interact like a person, or hell, like the person i was a year ago. this girl i’d been talking to momentarily told me that for as much as i’m there for other people, i need someone that i can jsut lean on and have care about me, and like. i cried. so much. when was the last time i had that? when was the last time i just had someone, anyone just to be here for me? and again, not saying it in a way like i deserve that or am entitled to that, but god fucking damnit i haven’t just rant on and on or spilled my feelings to someone without worrying that they’d get upset with me or deflect it back onto themselves in so, so long. i just want someone to listen. i just want someone to care.

and it’s who i try to be, all the time. the person that cares, the person that listens, and that just might be part of the problem. i say this all the time, and it’s a mantra and probably one of the main highlighted points that comes with my depression: i put so, so much out, so much energy and love and time, and i get almost nothing back. and it takes suuuuch a fucking toll. in such, it causes me to retreat and suddenly just cut people off or distance myself because i’m scared of letting myself get hurt again because the emotional turmoil i go through genuinely, genuinely almost fucking kills me every time. when that whole thing happened with my friend group, i went days without eating and just. wouldn’t talk. wouldn’t do anything other than school. because school is my safety, i can always rely on school, school will always be there - so i threw myself in school and overworked myself and overmaxed my credit hours and like. if i didn’t have that, if i didn’t have my classes, i really don’t know if i’d be here right now. and it sounds dramatic and i’m sorry, i hate it too, but it’s just the fucking truth. but - yeah again, i’m the person that’s always there. that’s why i never fucking rant like this on here. i don’t want to be triggering, and i don’t want to cause people distress, and i want people who are having a hard time to see my blog and maybe feel a little bit better and feel happy and have fun. but in the end, this is the only place i have to scream out into the void because i genuinely don’t have a space to do that in real life anymore. nothing. there’s nothing else.

i’ve always said that when i go to college, i’m just going to do a hard-reset and change up everything. reinvent myself. but sometimes i really don’t see myself getting out of this year alive, or at the very least in one piece. i’m already fucked in so many regards. i’m predestined to be an alcoholic. my brain is actively trying to fucking detonate itself. i’ve never been in love, and sometimes i worry that i never will be. i cry and cry and cry out, but i can’t get help. my solutions to problems is just working until i forget or sleeping until i forget or just finding an alternate way to fucking forget. everything that i’m looking forward to is so incredibly temporary or so short lived or so pathetically small in the grand scheme of things. i have to stay alive to see my AP scores on july 5th. i have to stay alive because i promised my friends i’d stream on this day. i have to stay alive because i promised addie i’d go see this show with her in september. but it’s not for me. it’s never for fucking me. i couldn’t care less.

i’m not going to ever kill myself because i’m too scared of the pain or the symptoms that i’ll feel right up to it. but otherwise, i really don’t know why else i’m obligated to stay here.

#suicide mention #ed mention #self harm mention #depression mention #overdose mention #read more #irrelevant #garbage.txt #this was more for my own personal catharsis(?) than anything else #i ended up sobbing in the subway parking lot today and i just.#needed to summarize 2019 for myself #get it all out there #because i feel like i never get to talk to the full extent of how bad i feel at any given moment #i'm always the happy go lucky wacky lesbian #and even after this if you're a person who knows me irl you know i'll be acting the exact same way i always do #it's just who i am at this point #a stupid fucking facade #i'm sorry for new followers i promise i don't always do this #this is the first in like forever #my content is primarily musicals and memes tee hee #i'll probably delete this later #or archive #please don't feel super obligated to reply to this #it's not why i wrote it #it was just to vent because yknow #like i said #don't really have any other way to do that these days #long post #longpost #sorry if parts of this don't make sense i'm not proofreading it for my own sanity

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