#my real new year goal is to get better at cropping i guess

[dawntheduckrb]

I didn't know how exactly to make one of these so I just picked my favorites from each month :3 there were some months I didn't really do a lot (and some where I did a ton) and that made this really hard, so I picked some honorable mentions too haha

Also, since I think it was a neat side-by-side...

I did that redraw of Ralsei from A Heart, Frozen in Time, and putting it side by side with how I drew it a little over a year ago, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I drew it twice last year; the one on the left was the final version, and the one on the right was my first overly-ambitious attempt

And cut to now...

Looking back on it, I completely messed up the hat the second time around (wrong color, no ear covers), but I guess that's what happens when you try to do something from memory instead of pulling up a reference haha.

Regardless, I see where I need to improve still, but I'm still very proud of how far I've come in just a year. This new one didn't take me nearly as long, and I'm light-years more confident with my work than I used to be. I'm more comfortable with rendering in color (although, the rendering in this one is very light), and I hit my primary goal for the year: anatomy (he has elbows in the right place now! and shoulders!! woah!!!)

Going into the next semester, I'll be taking a figure drawing class, so I'll keep working on anatomy. Because of that, I think I want to shift my focus towards thinking more about color going forward. Gonna try and push myself to make my color schemes a bit more thought out, since that's a huge aspect of composition building (which I also need to work on). This is a personal goal, so I don't know how crazy I'll go with it, but it'll be something I try to be more mindful about.

Anyway, that's my all for my wall of self reflection, so with that all said...

Happy New Year everyone :D 🎉🎉🎉

#i did a horrible job cropping these but oh well #my real new year goal is to get better at cropping i guess #/hj #not related to art but i made a couple new friends this year as well :) #reconnected with an old one irl and met a couple online #its the first time in ages I've actually felt like I've had an actual friend #and now i have quite a few #it's a nice feeling ^-^ #this next semester has me terrified but I'll be okay #this time i have people to talk to about it :D #happy new year people in my phone 🎉🎉 #not rb

[angsty-twihardxx]

SOFT DESCENT | T. MILLER

Description: When patrol with your boyfriend gets turned upside down, you get taken away from him. Will he find you in time? Or will you fall into a pit trying to save yourself?

Warnings: 18+ (all minors shall be banished) ANGST, hurt/comfort, fluff at the end, mentions of violence, death umm yeah i think that’s it.

A/N: I needed to write some angst to cleanse my brain from all the smut teehee, honestly idk what this is, I literally was listening to tlou part 2 soundtrack and this song came on and my brain came up with this. If you want to listen to it while your reading I guess you can for some ambience. I also have masterlist for this sexan (sexy Texan) *knee slap

But yeah if you like this yknow feel free to like and reblog. If you have any requests puh-lease send em my way. X

There was one thing to learn about the world you lived in, Cordyceps were scary, bloodthirsty monsters, but it was humans that were the real monsters. Whenever there was a time you were out in the world, away from the confines of a QZ or a commune like Jackson you were at risk.

The fungi was predictable, one part of an entire hive mind to reach a goal. Unlike people, Cordyceps couldn’t lie.

. . .

For the couple of years you had lived in Jackson, it was very rare that you joined Tommy on patrol, he remained annoyingly adamant on keeping you safe. Which you hated, did he not think you could handle it? That if the time came to it you couldn’t defend yourself?

It was a constant battle between the two of you despite the times you showed him that you were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, he still wouldn’t budge. He was as stubborn as a mule at the worst of times.

Winter this year though had been extremely hard on the town, the icy winds were killing the crops, meaning that people weren’t getting the nutrients they need to fight the sicknesses that came with the cold. Patrol was low on me, most of them being bedridden with frostbite and the flu. There weren’t many people that were willing to leave the safety of the walls to help, except you.

Tommy had just made it into the stables from patrol when Maria brought up the idea of you helping, which he instantly turned down, that it wasn’t necessary; he would be fine on his own. But Maria wasn’t having it, she knew that you were more than capable of taking care of yourself, and she knew that he did too. So by the end of their conversation she told him that you would join him for patrol the next day, and he wasn’t stupid enough to argue with her.

Which is why he was so grumpy the next morning, remaining mostly silent as the two of you got ready. The sun had barely touched the sky when you were jostled awake by the movement beside you in the bed. A muttered curse fell from his lips when he heard you move, no doub t trying to leave without you. “S’alright darlin’ just go back to sleep.” His voice was a hushed whisper as he tried to not wake you from your dreamy state.

But you knew him better than to think he was simply being courteous, you lazily swung the blankets over your legs. “Nice try cowboy.”

A permanent frown spread across Tommy’s forehead the entire morning, making it known that he wasn’t happy with this. But you paid no mind, actually just excited to go out and see the world again. Being out in the unmanned woods was your favourite, it reminded you of when you would go walking out in the moubntains near where you grew up. It almost felt like ‘then’ as well, with little to no infected you could just simply breathe.

Tommy didn’t realise how long it had been since you actually were on the other side of the walls, till he watched how excited you were. It was almost like everything was new to you again. “I forgot how pretty it was out here.” You sighed happily as you admire the large frozen lake at the bottom of the mountain.

Maybe he was a little overprotective of you, okay he definitely was. Tommy could admit that he was so worried about you getting hurt that he didn’t even think about what you wanted. Guilt crept up on him as he remembered how normal this used to be, when the two of you travelled to find Jackson in hopes for a better life. But now that he had it, he wanted to protect it as much as he could.

“Y’should see it in the springtime, all the animals runnin’ around. Reckon you’d enjoy it.” He looked over at you sweetly, suddenly forgetting how only a few hours ago he disliked the idea of you being out here with him.

“I would ask if that it an invitation but I don’t want to push my luck.” You sent a teasing smirk his way, knowing he was getting soft in his old age.

Snow was falling heavier once you and Tommy reached the patrol hut, which was already warm thanks to the two men before you. The bright red blames didn’t work fast enough to warm your hands, despite how many times you rubbed them together.

“Y’know that only works when you take your gloves off right?” He smirked, his eyes looking down at you for a brief moment before giving them a roll in amusement. If you were any closer you would’ve been sitting on top of the ember. “Stupid gloves don’t even work anyway.” You muttered slipping off the leather gloves and fanning your warm breath on your blue hands.

You content sigh filled the small room as the feeling in your fingers started to come back. Tommy always teased that you reminded him of a cat his mother had when he was younger, if there was a pocket of sun coming through the front window you would be there already bathing in its warmth. “What happened to the gloves I gave you for your birthday?” Tommy turned to face you as you sat beside him, kicking your legs up on the wood bench.

“That’s a good question for Ellie.” You cocked an eye his way, an annoyed groan falling from your mouth. You loved that girl like she was family, and you seemed to grow on her instantly. Which had many perks like having someone to tag team when it came to teasing the Miller brothers, someone to keep you company on those late nights when you were both home alone. But you drew the line when it came to your gloves.

The two of you were content sitting for a moment to find your bearings. As the cracking flames and howling snow filled winds muted the sound of approaching footsteps, that were silently creeping their way towards the hut where the two of you found yourselves in. Only alerting you of their presence as they kicked the door in, their guns already aimed at your heads before you could react. Knocking you both on the hard cement floor as you tried to speak, the air was snatched from your lungs as your chest collided on the ground.

You squirmed under the weight of the masked man that tied your arms behind you back, no matter how hard you struggled his grip was unrelenting. He let out a snicker as he pulled tighter on the ropes, the rough material pinching your skin.

“Asshole.”

Tommy on the other hand was quiet and calculated, watching their every move. Hunters never dared to get this close to Jackson, especially not in the winter. What were they up to?

He turned his attention back to you when he stopped hearing your voice, your eyes already on him, filled with worry. “We’re gonna be okay, alright?” He tried giving you a reassuring smile, wishing that he could hold you right now.

Boots echoed on the ground as the tension clearly rose with this man’s presence, he definitely had to be in charge. He was much bigger than the rest, almost look special ops with his helmet and thick bullet proof vest. The name Marshall was indented on the old badge, you wondered if that was always his vest, if the name belonged to him or not.

His eyes fell onto you for just a second too long, the bile in your stomach churned in disgust as he sent a smile your way.

“They had nothin’ useful, reckon these guys are from that town down south? They have guns and horses, wonder what else they got.”

“Potentially, I think they’d give us what we need. If they were persuaded enough.”

“N-no don’t fucken touch me!” You spat as two men approached you, fighting against the hands that grabbed your shoulders. Your legs kicked wildly in the air as you tried to writhe out of the strings arms that carried you away from Tommy.

“Please, I’ll get whatever you need, but don’t do this.” Tommy pleaded, his eyes watering in fear, just the thought of you getting taken away from him scared him to death. But he was ignored, your screams faded as they dragged you outside and out of his line of vision.

“Deal with him, you know what to do.”

. . .

Tommy woke up alone, something that gave him no ease. His head throbbed as he tried to stand, already shouting your name. Ignoring how the room spun around him as he made it outside, confirming that everything that happened before he was knocked out wasn’t some sick nightmare. It was real, you were gone.

He hoped that he hadn’t been unconscious for long, the sun was thankfully still in the sky, the maroon sunset was soon approaching. You were still closer, they couldn’t have taken you far.

Fucken hunters.

Tommy’s heart thumped in his chest as he called out for you for what felt like the hundredth time, fear grew in his chest the longer he didn’t see you. With no response again he ran towards the forests tree line, he had to find you. With no horse or weapons or even a plan he left in search of you.

Fuck how did he mess everything up so badly? This was what he was worried about happening to you, he should’ve left in the morning on his own, before either you or Maria could yell at him about it. He didn’t care if you hated him after this but he was never going to put you in harms way ever again. And that was a promise.

Your scream danced against the trees as it travelled to find Tommy, when he heard it for the first time his heart stopped in his chest. He ran towards the direction of your voice in a blinded fury, absolutely no idea what it was he was running into with nothing to protect himself. For all he knew there could be a whole camp full of people and he wouldn’t care, only seeing red.

His hurried footsteps slowed when he caught sight of an old farmhouse in the distance. Your horses were tied up to the fence post at the front, the people that took you were here. The smoke pouring from the chimney told him the building was occupied.

The wooden door bounced off the wall after being slammed open in Tommy’s rage. For a brief moment he paused, expecting to be ambushed upon his arrival. Only to be met with bodies scattered around the room, it was a brutal sight. Blood dried as it rolled down the walls, pooling on the hardwood floor under his boots. It only made the fear inside home grow, whether or not he would find you along with the others.

He was ripped from his worries when the sound of a struggle echoed down the stairs, after taking a discarded pistol he ascended frantically. Screaming your name as he searched each room for you, his hand grasping onto the pistol till his knuckles whitened. All of the worst possible outcomes flashed into his head but he was determined to find you even if it was the last thing he did.

Out of all the situations he thought of, he didn’t know if this was worse. Your agonising screams that fell out your mouth with every blow. The corroded pipe that you held onto or dear life as it collided with one of the hunters skulls.

Tommy froze as you swung your arm down once more, the warm blood tricked down your hand as it shook. He didn’t recognise the wild look in your eyes, almost as if it was someone else in control of your body. Guilt crept up inside him, if only he was here earlier. Then maybe the glimmer of hope in your eyes wouldn’t be missing.

That was something Tommy admired about you, after losing so much you never lost your sense of humanity, well until now that is.

The bang from from you dropping the pipe in your hand cut through the silence like a scolding blade. He softly called your name, although he doubted you even heard him.

The room was dead silent, Tommy’s steps were slow and precise as he approached you. Like a wild and scared animals that’s cornered, he was unsure of how you would react.

Your head spun around abruptly to face him, bottom lip quivering as tears fell down your cheek. His mouth moved as he spoke to you but all you could hear was a high-pitched ringing, whether it was from the gun going off near your head earlier or the adrenaline rushing through you.

“It’s okay baby, you’re okay. I’m here.” Tommy whispered into your hair as he knelt down to envelope you, he told himself that he was never letting you go again.

“I-they were going to-“ You tried to swallow the ever growing lump in your throat in your throat as you thought about the past few hours in disgust. Letting your head fall onto his shoulders you could really comprehend that he was here, Tommy found you.

“Your safe baby, I promise.” Tommy brought his hand to hold your head, holding back his own tears as you cried, He tried to hide how petrified he was, you were still shaking in fear even in the safety of his arms. Your blood curdling scream was still sending chills down his spine.

He should’ve been the one to kill all these assholes, it meant holding up the structural belief you had that there were still good people in the world, he would kill anybody.

“C’mon sweetheart, let’s get you home yeah?” He smiled at you sadly, it broke his heart seeing you so broken and defeated, he had never seen you like this before. You nodded softly in response, you couldn’t stay here a second longer. Your throat was on fire, you doubted any noise would come out anyway.

. . .

Your trembling arms were wrapped tightly around Tommy’s torso the entire ride home. With your head resting on his shoulder blade you watched the sun fall behind the mountains, you felt so numb as the adrenaline began to wear off. After everything, you felt so hopeless that you couldn’t believe you thought you were capable of all this.

“M’gonna stay home for a few days, hows that sound baby?” Tommy continued to talk to you despite your lack of response, he wasn’t going to push you but he also wasn’t going to give up.

The welcoming lights of Jackson came into view, filling you with very little relief. You dreaded the confused looks and questions you would receive from the townsfolk. Just the thought of it made the panic creep back up your chest, you couldn’t be around these people right now, let alone anyone for that matter. You cringe at how pathetic you sounded, reminding you how pitiful Tommy looked when he found you.

So when the horse stopped in the stables you were off in seconds, walking in the direction of you and Tommy’s shared home. The ringing in your ear masked the calls of your name from Tommy. He let out a huff of air from his nose in annoyance before following you down the street. A deep crease remerging on his head as you picked up your pace.

Tommy called out for again as he walked into an empty living room, only to be met with the sound of your bedroom door being slammed shut.

What felt like a smack to the face was going to open the door only to find that it was locked. Tommy Leto it an exhausted sigh as his head dipped against the wood, your muffled tears leaked through the cracks. You never pushed him away like this before and it was honestly breaking him, he wanted nothing more than to comfort you. He didn’t care if he had to hold you in his arms till they ached, he would do it for you. Tommy called out your name again, more defeated than the last dozen times he had today. “Baby please let me in, I-I don’t know how else to help you.” His voice shook as he felt tears beginning to brim.

God he didn’t even want to think how much pain you were in, he doesn’t even know what happened. He wasn’t really sure he wanted to either. Tommy was met with no response again, he was going to wait right here, for as long you needed him too.

. . .

It was early in the morning when he heard a creak of the door opening behind him, startling him out of his light sleep. The sun was beginning to pour into the hallway through the now open door to your bedroom, peeking inside he saw the small silhouette that was you. Sitting on the edge of the bed in a daze, your eyes stared out the window, soaking the sun as if it would magically heal you.

Tommy doubted that you had slept much either, your red eyes indicated you most likely spent it crying. He wished you let him hold you, that you knew that you didn’t have to do this alone. It reminded him from when he enlisted in the army, the first time he took a life. It took everything in him to not go back home, but the fear that you would turn him away made him worried he’d never get to see you again. For so long he felt like a monster that he didn’t deserve happiness. Yet you continued to love him, even after everything that he did after that.

Kneeling in front of you he placed a firm hand on your knee, letting the calloused skin alert you that he was here. “Talk to me baby, please.” Tommy breathed out, engulfing your hands in he looked up at you softly. The dark bangs under his eyes told you that this had been just as hard for him as it had for you. You had probably put him through hell and he was still just as patient.

God you loved him so much.

“I was just— I thought I was going to die.” Your voice trembled as the tears continued to fall down your cheeks, you were surprised there were still some left. Remembering how scared you were after taking down the first hunter, the bruises that he left on your forearm where he tried to pry your arms from around his neck were a dark shade of purple.

“You were right though, I should’ve listened to you and just stayed here.” Wiping your tears on Tommy’s shirt sleeve that you wore, you thought it would been easier. Taking out all the men that tried to kill you only seemed to make you feel worse. You know you shouldn’t have, but you wondered if they had any family waiting for them back wherever home was.

You were so fucken stupid.

“N-no, ain’t none of this is your fault y’hear me? It was either you or them, I-I know it’s hard but you made the right choice.”

“How can that be the right choice Tommy? They’re all dead because of me, me!” You pointed an accusing finger at your chest, your sadness now turning into anger with yourself. He wondered how long you were thinking this, that you were a bad person because in his eyes you were perfect. It was those assholes that put you in danger that were the monsters.

“Yeah and they would’ve done the same to you, but that’s the world we live in. You can’t let it take over.”

“I don’t know if I can stop it.” Your head shook quickly, your voice trembling in between tears. “You can baby, I know it’s hard but—“

“No!” You almost sound pained, ripping away from Tommy’s hands you placed them on your face, wiping away more tears. “Every time I close my eyes I just see him, everything that I did Tommy-“

“It’s not fair I know, but your gonna get through this. I promise.” Now it was his turn to interrupt you, he didn’t need to hear it all this second, right now he just needed to let you cry.

Your shoulders shook as you fell into the arms of your boyfriend safe embrace, who whispered sweet nothings into your hair. You knew you were always safe when you were with him, there was never a doubt of that in your mind.

#tommy miller #tommy miller tlou #tommy miller x reader #tommy miller x you #Tommy miller fan fiction angst #tommy miller fanfiction #tommy miller x fanfic #tommy miller x female reader #tommy miller fanfic #tommy miller fic #gabriel luna x reader #gabriel luna #Gabriel Luna fanfic

[crybabytoy59]

Resignation of fate....

Getting older now I had decide to resign my fate of submissive feelings of having a True Dominant partner, sadly putting this behind me, to stop torturing my self over my inner held submission...After all I had try’d?  

My tumblr page made no secret I wished to be used in a true 24/7 submissive relationship.

But nothing had ever become of my ask along the way, only fake so called Mistress/mummy’s ever messaged with but one thing on there mind a “Tribute” easy cash from despairing sissy submissive’s like Myself was there goal.

So with a heavy heart I could still have small windows in time for myself...

I would simply visit a Pro Dominant that way although paying it would be the real thing not some set of Dom instructions over the net from some faceless person who didn’t even take the time to read any of my stories, to better get to know me or my kink !

That’s how I found Jessica she was ten years my younger 5’7” with long red hair, very athletic as she kept in great shape, a bubbly personality & wit to match...

After lots of questions we arranged a meeting at a hotel of her choice, the drive there had my gut in knots ...I was finally going to meet a True Dominant not some fake kid-on person.

Jessica was a Professional with over 15years in the business her knowledge was vast as were her skills !

Knocking the door to the suite she opened it with a huge smile ! She was stunning even more beautiful than her pictures in real life!

“Hello sweetheart in you come” as I passed her she spanked me lightly, then threw her arms around me like she had known me all her life !

Cuddling me she kissed me very passionately running her hands down to my crotch she giggled “My my someone is a very excited submissive aren’t we ?”

I stammered out a yyyes Jessica! She was great again chuckles came,

“Relax sweetheart this is your time with me I want it to be special so that over the course of out ten meetings you will be in no doubt about your next ten sweetheart ! “

This we both smiled over ...this was just what I had always dreamed of it felt So natural.

Jessica told me to go for a shower then come out with a towel around me once “Fully cleaned” I knew what she ment from our talks pre-meeting, so in the shower I gave my self one last enema to make sure I was clean inside but only clean water came out, after all I had spent two hours Deep cleaning myself for this first meeting !

After my shower I took a Deep Breath & walked out with the towel around me.

Jessica was standing at the foot of the bed in a lace black top with no arms a black corset & black leather jodhpurs! She looked the perfect picture of Dominance to me at that moment !

On the bed lay a pink pvc maids dress with a small pink frilly hood to match the outfit, there were white tights & pink Mary Janes with a pair of frilly french knickers with a garter belt.

My heart pounding now Jessica motioned me over with out a word she threw a pillow on the floor pushing my shoulder, I did as she wished without words I knelt obediently putting my hands behind my back.

This pleased her as she kissed my forehead “Well done sweetheart let’s get you properly dressed for today’s chores my New sissy maid !”

Her touch as she dressed me in the pink frillymaids uniform was simply indescribable!

She took her time going very slowly & sensual with her every touch...

I was in sissy heaven !

My first task was to clean her boots as she sipped a glass of wine, she gave me a small black wax pad for this task & a white cotton cloth this took me an hour to do both boots.

Jessica was very pleased with me & more passionate kisses came from her it didn’t feel very Dominant? She was in control but in a soft gentle way....

Next was brushing her hair then I was to pleat it into a long ponytail...

This to pleased her very much as more kissing followed, the third task was very different she asked me bend over facing the dressing mirror put my hands around & pull my cheeks apart!

I watched as she lubed up a butt plug it wasn’t to large & she slid it home only holding it enough that my anal muscles pulled it in by them selfs!

Next she had me sit on the dresser chair as she applied makeup to me ! After the pink base layer, I jumped slightly in the chair as Jessica had picked up Her mobile the plug started a rhythm of vibrations!

More make up went on as she smiled at me straddling my thighs on the chair as she Finished my makeup !

Stepping away she stood behind me I got my first look at what she had done !

I looked like a China Doll !!!!

The look was utterly fantastic..So much so I gasped to her giggling!

“So my new maid likes her look this is your look Sissy lemon 🍋....Yes sweetheart that’s your new name Sissy Lemon”

With that she tied my ankles to the chair & my arms behind me, she then produced a pair of silk white soiled pants letting me smell them over my face her scent was very powerful !

I was absolutely rock hard now...”Open Wide Maid lemon !” She fed the pants into my mouth then lifted a black leather panel mask, it had a head harnessing from it this was buckled into place & she knelt between my legs pulling my engorged member from its silk prison!

Very slowly Jessica ran clear wax type gel over my shaft it felt warm as she put it on...

Slowly she started edging me...Very slowly...over the next hour she would edge me until I twitched then would stop to drink some wine, she would touch my nipples making me moan for more play !

This girl was very good at getting what she wanted men’s submission !!!

An hour later I could hold No longer I threw my head back as it shot from me ! I felt my balls were coming out Such was the force !

Jessica simply kept pumping every last drop from me !

Without any warning she popped open the leather pad on the front of the gag removing her pants she wiped her hand clean!!

Then uttered the words again ...."Open Wide Maid lemon !”

She pushed the cum soaked pants back into my mouth popping the leather panel back into hold the wadding in place....

She got up walking away to get something? When she returned she pulled the chair further back without a word...

Then lifted a huge black leather flogger ....”Sissy Lemon did Mistress Jessica say you could climax ?....No she did Not ...So my wee disobeying maid a punishment I think !!”

She unzipped the dress pulling it down my torso exposing my chest !

Jessica pulled the flogger back ....she spent three hours flogging cropping & whipping my nipples with a riding crop !...

It was very painful but I was in True submission at her touch...

At the end of my 8 hrs with her I truly could not thank her enough...

She told me that’s all she wish for in her sessions that I would feel I could let go of my inner submissive....

We arranged to meet at the same time each week for my sessions....each one became a bit kinkier & more painful for me ! Jessica would put me in my maids uniform, then spank me !

Sometimes head to toe ! Edge me...have me eat my own cummie as she called them !

It was great just to let go & Be Myself !

But on the second last visit Everything changed...

She had edged me & was putting me through a Very intense chest whipping...this she had stopped to put on a new set of nipple clamps ...this was my chance to show her my submission to her each time I would “present to her Fully arched (this made the clamps tighten) & put my head Fully backwards till she appeared to kiss my forehead!

Then I would be allowed to do My cummie....

But this time was different I truly broke !!!

Holding out not to say my “Safe-word”....something happened..

I burst out crying hysterically...

Jessica ran over pulling the clamps off gently she spoke ....

“It’s ok am sorry ...Breath try to relax....lemon...Your ok...hey it’s ok Mistress Jessica has You Lemon”

I muffled into her pantie gag....So Jessica removed the leather panel then her wet pants (she had soaked them in her pee this session )

It was all too much I didn’t know what day of the week it was ! or Where I was let alone what I was Saying to Jessica !!!!

I can’t even remember what I said...but thirty minutes later I was lay on the bed next to Mistress Jessica she was stroking my face...

“Are you Ok sweetheart ? ...(I nodded ) Good have a shower we need to talk...

After my shower I changed into my day clothes & came out Jessica had done the same , she was now in jeans & a white shirt...

“Ok That was too much ...Am truly sorry but I can’t take you for your last session, I will give you your money back & you can’t see me as your Mistress any longer !

I was utterly shocked & Deeply saddened over this but not knowing what I has said to her I thought best to simply accept that I had over stepped my mark with Jessica....

I told her there was no need to give me money back, that I would rather she got something for herself.

I told her I was truly Sorry over this incident..But I hoped she didn’t hate me...

“No silly it’s fine I just feel that was to much for me as a Mistress.....Your a lovely guy & I truly hope you find what you want of life”

I left that day with such a heavy heart, my world truly shattered knowing my type of submission was to be kept locked away, deep within me forever this being the last straw I had upset another with my innermost submissive....Enough I thought....Enough!!!!..

Three weeks later I got a message from Jessica...?

“Hi you we need to meet up for a chat...This is Not up for negotiation You will come meet me here *******, at 7pm see you then do Not reply simply turn up !”

My mind now racing over why she would message me ? But also the message was very cryptic? ...but what had I to loose ?

I did think of not going to meet her, but my feelings for her were very strong.

So at 7pm I walked up to the house & knocked the door...

Jessica opened the door dressed in the same jeans & white shirt ?...it was like the three weeks had not passed...

She ushered me into her home, then asked me if I would like a hot chocolate as she was just having one, I said yes as we both stood in her kitchen she spoke..

“Now am guessing your wondering why I invited you to my home ?”

I again nervously spoke as I did when first meeting her....”yyyes Jessica”

“Well relax this is my home & your my guest, we have a lot to talk about but let’s go through to the fire & we can have a nice chat” she handed me my chocolate as she sipped at hers....she led the way to a large room with a log burner, the flames cracked as she sat in a red leather chair to the left of the burner she motioned me to sit in the other one opposite...

“Ok where to start...It has been a very long three weeks for me as what happened with you has changed something in me, I need you to realise am just a girl at the end of the day, I have feeling & needs just like any other!

Now I know that day you opened a window to who “you are”

As you fell into sub-space you let lots of things out that day !”

I interrupted Jessica saying I was truly sorry if I had hurt her in any way it was Not my intention...she simply smiled at me & spoke...

“Let me Finnish ! Stop being a brat it’s not All about You !”

This took me by surprise so I remained silent as a drank my chocolate...Jessica continued...

“I want you to drink up the last of your chocolate & I have something to show you...Are you done ?...Ok follow me”

As I followed her she took me to an upstairs room as she put her hand on the handle she told me to close my eyes...I felt her soft hand take mine as she led me into the room ...”Now not a word not a single word You do Not have my permission to speak .....Open your eyes !”

I was in a pink adult baby nursery ! A full size cot, high chair, changing table ..rows of white terry nappies ..diapers of all sorts.. pink frills were everywhere ! The cot had pink frilly bumpers around it ! ....

I stood dumbfounded !!!!...As Jessica spoke to me...

“I have never had children & always wanted a baby ....I thought that had passed me by ..until you broke down in sub-space and let your true self to the surface...I couldn’t believe it when You Called Me MUMMY !!!!....So the question is Crybaby..

Do you want me as your Mummy ?”

Jessica was opening a side room door to a second pink room with an adult size baby bath full of hot water & bubbles....!

“If you do Not want this go back to the living room I will understand...If you do just get into the bath for Mummy.....(I strayed to strip off) Clever girlie Crybaby that’s the Right choice....Hey don’t cry sweetheart....well not yet anyway ! let’s save them for after your bath sweetheart..then mummy will bring Crybaby out to play !!!!”

As I stepped into the bath I was crying but not tears of sadness tears of pure joy ! How could this be ? How could this gorgeous girl want me as hers in this way.....was I dreaming...As Jessica lifted the soap & sponge ...I found it was no dream...she truly wanted Me !!!! ....I truly wanted her.....

She spent the next hour washing me as I sat in the bath Obediently not talking..

she told me my stories were very colourful & that I had told her in my Sob-space of my little want in life to be a 24/7  little, even of my tumblr page & story writings !

After my bath she led me to the changing mat then sat me down.

“Ok lay back ...handies out to your sides...Clever girlie “

I was put into a thick terry Nappy that had a folded soaker pad inside, As she pinned the Nappy on with three large pins each side....next came what looked like hollow fabric pants they were very stiff & ridged, after they were on snuggly she pulled on thick heavy rubber bloomers ! Patting them she spoke to me...

“Up we get ..give Me your handies Baby “

I was pulled to a sitting position then had a large petticoat put on me followed by a pink dress covered in frills & bows....next was my garter & tights I had worn as A Maid, then my Mary Jane shoes, the last item was a pink matching bonnet !!

Jessica took time over my make up painting me as before like a china doll but this time with long lashes to boot !

“Clever girlie Crybaby that’s much better, let me look at you...give Mummy a twirl, ..no silly like a toddler...a Three year old baby girl ! That’s a clever baby ! My my ...now do you know how to curtsy Crybaby?”

Giggling at my face she proceeded to Do a curtsy..one foot behind she bent at the knee....”Clever girlie Crybaby..Now You Please....Wow Baby Girlie is a natural...Ok let’s get you down stairs as Mummy has lots of surprises in store for You Crybaby Toy !”

Mummy Jessica led my by the hand down stairs to the log burner she put pink contact lens into my eyes giving a pink haze to everything I looked at they also narrowed my vision....This made me slightly uncomfortable...

As Mummy turned my around she was not alone someone stood beside her....

“Now Crybaby this is Nanny Bee she is going to help mummy this evening as when mummy has to work Nanny Bee will look after you sweetheart as My baby girlie will never be on her own Not Ever !...Now Open Wide As am going to Gag my girlie...As Crybaby will not be having or using her safe-word ever again sweetheart...this is All about My Pleasures Crybaby Pain Toy !!!!”

As Jessica told me this they both laughed....but not a sweet laugh....

A wicked laughter !!!!!!

[drake-the-incubus]

This is a gift for @striderhell from the Homestuck Secret Santa 2020 (@homestuckss). I was aiming for 3000 words but uh, Dirk as a muse didn’t want to continue exploring the concept of gender given his rigid but philosophical nature.

I hope this was good, and if not just gimme a shout and I’ll try and come up with something better. 

Word Count: 1521 Fandom: Homestuck Characters: Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde Relationships: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde (Platonic/Friends)

Additional Notes: Roxy uses He/Him and They/Them, I’ve never finished the epilogues but I love NB Rox. Dirk uses no pronouns in this, as I wanted to try that out. 

Please enjoy Dirk exploring his gender. 

Sometimes in an effort to define ourselves, we feel trapped to conform to some rigid aspect or label in hopes to reach an understanding of who we are. At times this process can be frustrating and dissatisfying. Other people take weeks or days, and some of them take years or never figure it out. 

Perhaps gender, as a construct, can’t be fully understood, but we can understand ourselves as people without it. The tale before you, is only a short of someone who wishes to take a journey many end up doing, and most have never encountered.

Dirk was sitting in a cafe on Earth-C, sipping on a coffee in between tinkering with another pair of shades. The goal was updating and adding a better set of graphics, hoping to add some additional features to make things easier.

It had been a while since the Prince of Heart had seen the rest of the gods. Jake would visit once in a while, and they would have a friendly spar or talk. Roxy would message once in a while, letting Dirk know any spicy news about the rest.

Dave would randomly show up, they would stare each other down before both Striders would give a thumbs up and go their separate ways.

Rose would often come by, trading witty banter and wisdom. Both of them struggled with the massive impact of their god tiers and would often talk about it to one another.

Today though, Dirk decided a change of area would suit this project best, specifically needing to leave the workshop and enjoy some caffeine. Recently a problem developed that would continue to nag at the Prince even through the night. Lack of sleep was the reason why Dirk had picked a coffee shop. It made the most sense.

Gender did not.

Dirk had been going through a lot lately, and when Roxy had come out as trans, it had been taken pretty well by most of them. Not that it would be different if Dirk came out either, but rather that would take knowing what was going on.

This was a laughable moment, since they all had beaten the game, made it out and enjoyed their own little home in the midst of nothing. Creating entire worlds and civilizations with the help of their space and time players, but Dirk was sitting there, in a cafe, trying to figure out what gender even was and how it related to the god’s own identity.

Pronouns were hard, but so was even figuring this shit out. Making a copy of your brain at thirteen was much easier than figuring out if you’re cis or not, and Dirk didn’t know.

The more it was thought about, the more the thought cropped up, what if it turned out the being Cis wasn’t the result. Dirk was absolutely sure about not being a chick, nothing really appealed about that, but then again there was a very similar feeling over the current gender.

Man, agender or woman. Those were the categories that presented themselves currently. Working harder to connect the shades to the newly built chip, Dirk jolted when suddenly Roxy sat down across the table.

“I called out to you, but you didn’t answer.” He said leaning over and looking over the project. “I was wondering what made you change location, you’re pretty adamant to work in your workshop Dirkie.”

“I needed to think, which I was doing when you were calling out to me. Thinking so hard about creating a new line of orange pop with more caffeine than this cup of coffee that the world died out and I was left to only the one set of thoughts for once.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, and crossed his arms. “Really now? You think that I can’t tell something bigger is going on in that Strider head of yours? You’ve come up with projects while having a philosophical discussion with Rose and texting Dave a rap battle. You’re the king of multi-tasking, which also means your attention is usually divided more, and you’re attempting to put a wire on the wrong side of that.”

Dirk frowned and sighed, putting the project down. “Well, I can’t get nothing past you I suppose. I guess one thing that’s on my mind is how much I miss AR, since he was a good source of introspection, then again I have no idea if that would have helped in the first place.” Tapping fingers filled the space between them as the Prince looked outside at the billions of humans and trolls walking over the streets.

“I’ve been contemplating what gender is and how I relate to it since you came out as nonbinary. It’s been making me think about what is my gender, and I’ve come to the conclusion none of them really fit, but that’s also something to worry about since that means I don’t relate to any of the options-“

“Before you go on a long tangent, I want to ask, what are the options?” He interrupted Dirk while cocking his head.

“Agender, man and woman.” Dirk said bluntly, staring at Roxy. The laughter that resulted made the god tip the iconic shades down to stare at Roxy with deadpan orange eyes.

“I get greeted by your eye colour, score! But no, you got it all wrong, gender isn’t rigid categories, it’s a spectrum. You can’t define it by strict labels and there’s too many to count. So you don’t fit in three, there’s millions of genders. Some might not have a word for it right now. I’m nonbinary, but that’s because I’m not a man or a woman completely, I’m somewhere in the middle, closer to a man if I were to describe it as like, a sliding scale. So don’t be in a hurry, and don’t worry if you don’t figure it out.”

“I need to. Not knowing makes things difficult. I know it might be unhealthy to obsess over, but ever since I made Auto Responder, I had the need to understand myself fully and everything about myself.” With an elbow on the table, Dirk took a hand and raked it through the mess of hair. Having done so more than a hundred times earlier, the Prince was sure it was a complete and utter mess at this point, and would need to be taken care of at home.

“Well, I have a list of some of the other more known ones, maybe one of them check out for you?” He offered a tablet.

Dirk took it, and looked over the list of options and each description of it, mumbling under breath before placing the tablet back down with a definite, “I’m going to use Genderless for now and see what happens.” It looked interesting, the excerpt specifically outlined not having a gender at all due to neurodivergence, rather than lacking a gender or having no gender, different from agender. It didn’t feel much different from everything else, but nothing did. Having several of the entries be defined by one’s neurodivergence was weird, but the more thought placed into the concept, the more it felt real to Dirk. Rather it meant that the Prince would have to take Rose up on her offer to get a fully evaluation soon, even if both of them came to the conclusion Dirk was probably neurodivergent and that it wasn’t impactful with how the god had lived life before the game. 

“Are there any pronouns I should use for you?”

Pursing lips, Dirk gave a shake of the head. “None preferably. I think I need more time to actually think everything over. I have no positive or negative feelings for anything on there, and so I’m debating on if I’m everything or not. I can figure out how to make an exact replica of my own brain as a teenager, create robots, plot out the exact way I can kiss Jake and even save everyone's lives getting into the game. I’ve designed complex interactions to lead to the outcome I desire, and I can’t even pick a gender. This is quite frankly, ridiculous.”

“You don’t gotta. Dirk, it’s not about just picking a gender, it’s about figuring out a big part of yourself, and something most people don’t do for yours. You figured out you’re gay, now you’re figuring out what else you could be.” He placed a hand on Dirk’s and gave him a smile. “Whatever your result, I’m here for you. Even if you later think you’re a Cis man I’ll still be here for you. We might be siblings but we were friends first and that matters the most to me.”

Dirk gave a snort. “This is so fucking corny, but thanks Rox. I appreciate the love and support. Maybe I can treat you to another coffee since I feel like if I don’t buy one soon I’m going to be kicked out for making a mess of a window table.” Motioning towards the table, and standing up, the god stretched out. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Caramel Macchiato please.”

“Gotcha.”

#homestuck secret santa 2020 #striderhell #I fucking was gonna make this christmas eve but I got busy the past two days #Glad I waited because this Idea was much better #trans nonbinary characters #dirk is amab

[sinceileftyoublog]

Robert Finley Interview: Ready for the Race

BY JORDAN MAINZER

At the risk of sounding cliché, it’s truly been a long, often hard road for blues and soul singer Robert Finley. On his new album Sharecropper’s Son (out tomorrow on Easy Eye Sound), he delves into his past. Ever since he hooked up with Dan Auerbach on 2017′s Goin Platinum!, Finley’s 60-year backstory has been more often chronicled in the mainstream, from being born and raised in Bernice, Louisiana and enlisting in the army as a teenager to suffering from a car accident, a divorce, and eventually ending his carpentry career after being deemed legally blind. And yes, he never gave up and eventually got lucky, being discovered busking by Music Maker Relief Foundation, touring, releasing an album, and eventually establishing a long-term collaborative relationship with Auerbach. Yet, until now, Finley hasn’t written about his early childhood, being raised along with his 7 siblings on a crop share in Louisiana.

Sharecropping refers to an agricultural legal arrangement where a landowner allows a tenant to use land in exchange for the share of the crops produced. It was a popular arrangement in the South from the Reconstruction to Jim Crow years following the abolishment of slavery; in reality, it was just another way for white Americans to maintain economic hegemony over Black Americans. “You get all the work, and the money never seems to come,” Finley told me over the phone in March from his home in Louisiana. “You always break even, and unless you own the farm, you really didn’t benefit. The checks from the cotton and from the corn didn’t come in your name.” In other words, Finley said, “Sharecroppers don’t get their share.”

Sharecropping was backbreaking, “out in the hot red sun,” Finley sings on the album’s title track, “where the work is never done,” Auerbach’s blistering guitar and keyboards shimmering like rays from the sun. That said, Finley never realized how rough things truly were. “We were poor and didn’t know it,” he told me, citing the fact that because they were never hungry, he actually thought they were rich. “We had cows. We had chickens. We had hogs. We had fresh milk...It was like we were really living it up!” he said. Moreover, since many of their neighbors didn’t have direct access to fresh food, Finley’s father would share their bounty, from meat to vegetables. And, as the youngest son, he spent a lot of time helping his mom in the kitchen, citing that experience as partially inspiring his love of cooking to this day.

With Sharecropper’s Son, Finley is not trying to provide a list of lamentations. “It’s not a pity party,” he said. Even more than not going hungry, Finley cites his father’s optimism and generosity as formative. “My dad, in his religious beliefs, always hoped for better things and a brighter tomorrow...at the end of the day, after picking the cotton, or pulling the corn, we had plenty to give away. I don’t know if my dad sold some of it, but I think he did way more giving than selling.” Eventually, his father “wised up” and gave up sharecropping, and to this day, Finley’s brothers and sisters, despite only his oldest and youngest sister graduating from school, live comfortably. Notably, Finley also holds where he grew up near and dear to his heart. On “Country Child”, he juxtaposes harsh memories of cotton fields with yearning for the more comforting aspects of the South, especially country girls who “give you a country smile.” He mentioned me that the sparse population of rural Louisiana meant that he had to cross rivers just to see his neighbors, but also that folks in a many mile radius knew each other well, to the point that “you could get a couple boards and put them in front of your house, and someone would ask you what you’re doing with them.”

Above it all, Finley learned from both his father’s mindset and his own ability to overcome. “That’s why I tell my story / So you could start dreaming too,” he sings on “My Story”, while the hand percussion-laden “Starting To See” details the symbolic perspective on life he gained after losing his sight. And the album ends with spiritual gospel waltz “All My Hope”. Even better, Finley offers himself up for his listeners, on tracks like “I Can Feel Your Pain”, a church organ hymn where he empathizes with folks suffering from everything from COVID-19 to police brutality. It’s why he stays positive and keeps on keeping on. As someone who walked again after an accident despite the odds and who was “discovered’ so late in life, he doesn’t let practicality tamper his ambitions. “Like a horse in the stall,” he said, “I’m ready for the race.”

Below, read my conversation with Finely, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: What made you want to sing more autobiographically this time around?

Robert Finley: I guess it was a chance to express myself and talk about these true stories. It’s not a made-up fantasy. It’s real life. It’s a chance to tell what life was like being a sharecropper. I was talking to all my siblings--4 brothers and 3 sisters, so there were 8 of us. My youngest sister doesn’t remember that much about it, but I’m the second youngest, so I wanted to get it out while all of us siblings would be able to form their opinion on it.

SILY: Would you say that the pandemic and the reckoning around the Black Lives Matter movement and subsequent increased awareness among White Americans gives these songs extra resonance?

RF: Yeah, I feel like it really opened the world’s eyes to what’s really going on. A lot of times, things happen we just don’t want to talk about, but that don’t stop ‘em from happening. In this case, it was a blessing to be writing about the right thing at the right time. 

Even me and Dan Auerbach meeting, that was heaven intervention, too. What do a 30-something year old man and a 67-year old man have in common that can reach the people? It would have to be the music. Music is not a racial thing. Music, to us, is what comes from the heart and goes to the heart. If you need a blood donor or kidney donor, you’re not gonna ask what color the person was or what race the person was who’s giving the blood and giving the kidney. The whole purpose is for you to get the kidney and stay alive. Music is pretty much the same thing. Even if people can’t speak the language, they can feel the vibes of the music. There’s always somebody that can translate what the artist is really saying, but if the music is right, and the message in the music is right, it really doesn’t matter what color the person is or where they come from. It’s all about what comes from the heart and goes to the heart. 

That’s where my songwriting comes in. To be able to reach out and touch people, because you want to give people something they can feel, that they can relate to. Not just a cool beat, not just a pretty voice, or whatever. The song needs to have a message that people can relate to. [And] as far as whether it’s soul, blues, country-western, jazz--if you’re looking for rock and roll, you can find it on the album, if you’re looking for soul, if you’re looking for country and western. It’s got a little of everything. That was the goal, and hopefully it’s being accomplished.

SILY: It seems like everybody who works with Dan has a musical connection and shared love of the same thing, even if not a widely known song or album. Do you feel that connection?

RF: Yeah. You gotta have something positive going even for Dan to reach out to you. Dan is looking for originality. People who want to stand out, not someone who’s trying to fit in. He looks for raw talent and gives them [opportunity] to express themselves. He’s open-minded and open to suggestions. He wants to know Robert Finely and produce Robert Finely and not to make me into something I’m not. 

SILY: On “Country Child”, you talk about driving by a cotton field as an older man and still feeling your back hurting. But on the same song, you talk about preferring a country girl to raise a country child. Was it important for you to talk about that complex relationship with where you came from?

RF: Yeah. Don’t get me wrong--I don’t have a thing against city ladies--nobody in the city smiles because it makes them look tough and look hard. In the country, they wave at everybody whether they know ‘em or not. It doesn’t matter because everybody’s just saying hi! In the city, people live across the hall or across the street and don’t know their neighbors. It’s a whole different lifestyle. They don’t let their guard down. I was trying to keep it as real as possible.

The country girls, they just wave and smile, and if you say something they don’t agree with, they move on. But they’ll talk for a while, and they give you the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes, if you’re too friendly, you can become a victim. If you go in the city smiling at everybody, they automatically know you’re not from the city. It’s not what they do. Unless you’re properly introduced, the person across the hall won’t talk to you or know you. It’s all about the approach. But I have learned that a smile is universal. It doesn’t matter what country you’re in. If you smile, people will smile back. If you’re open-minded and open-hearted, there’s always somebody. People will be glad to see somebody who looks at them and smiles. It breaks barriers and opens doors, even for people trying to look hard and tough.

SILY: On a couple songs on here, you improvised the lyrics, calling it “speaking from the heart.” Do you find that the way to go when the subject matter of the song is more difficult to talk about?

RF: Yeah, I mean if you stay real with everybody, it’s not a problem. You’ve gotta be open-minded and open-hearted. Put yourself in anybody’s situation. If you do that, you can see it from their point of view. With all the stuff that’s negative in the world today, it’s good to be positive every chance you get. It needs to be something people can relate to in the real world, or that people can say, “I’ve been through that or I’ve done that.” It’s not something that’s been made up like a fairytale. It has to have meaning where people can say, “Yep, I remember those days.” 

I have 7 siblings. They all have to tell the story from their point of view. I try to leave the door open [in case] they want to tell what they remember, because they might remember something I don’t or had to experience something I didn’t. So when I was writing [the title track], I talked to them about it. In reality, I wanted it to be a true song that dealt with real life. Not made up. It needed to be something real they could identify with and their friends identify with where people could say, “I remember those days.” I also definitely didn’t want to make it seem harder than it already was. I only went back to the cotton field and put on the overalls for the video because nobody was wearing shiny shoes in the cotton field. They might have had a pair they put on on the weekend, but they definitely didn’t wear them in the field. The video could have been done anywhere, but to keep it real, I thought we needed to take it back to the country.

SILY: What did it mean for you to play with so many of the same session players as on Goin’ Platinum?

RF: It was like a family reunion. We toured together in the East Coast and West Coast. It was really an honor because everybody knew everybody. Everybody was excited to get back together because of the success of the first album. We built more or less what you could call a family relationship. Everybody knows everybody, and getting back in the studio, we got straight to work, what everybody came for. I don’t know how much time Dan spent with the musicians before I got there. When I got there, it was to lay the vocals down.

What I really noticed is that all the musicians played what they feel. They listened to the groove. And all the local musicians were in a 50-mile radius of each other. I could have them all together within a couple hours.

I was probably the youngest person in the band, besides Dan--I’m almost twice his age. When you’re with the band, it breaks out the best in you. Learning from their experience, everything they’ve done and who they’ve done it with, it makes you feel privileged to be in the company of them. They’re not on big ego trips and nobody has a big agenda. I’m easy. I don’t put no pressure on nobody--I just want the best out of everybody.

I love working with the Easy Eye Sound label because to me, I walk in, meet and greet, we break bread together, and we go to work. The work is hard, but I don’t know if you’d even call it work.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

RF: The label mostly [does it] and asks me for approval. There’s not much I’d object to anyway. It’s a picture of me. I seldom walk outside even to go to the mailbox without my hat on. That’s one of my trademarks. I always wear hats or caps. I love the artwork. To be honest, I haven’t met the individual that did the artwork on it, but it very much had my approval when I saw it. Meeting everybody, sometimes it’s way down the line where I can actually meet them face to face.

#robert finley #interviews #music maker relief foundation #sharecropper's son #easy eye sound #dan auerbach #goin platinum! #covid-19 #black lives matter

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 257: New Year’s Party and All Might Feels

Previously on BnHA: The kids ate some yummy cotton candy and got to demolish a bunch of robots in flashy and expensive ways, because U.A. is every child’s dream school and All Might is getting closer to finally achieving his goal of being The Cool, Fun Teacher. There was also some cute Kirimina and Izuocha stuff, and also some panels of All Might watching Deku with a wistful dad smile which was both heartwarming and also makes me slightly terrified for his chances of surviving to the end of this series, but what else is new. Anyway so after class we cut to Aizawa and Mic who were all “we’re still sad fyi” until the Big Three interrupted them to get Aizawa to come help with Eri’s quirk. Meanwhile, All Might sat down with Deku and Kacchan and gave Deku a notebook all about THE PAST SUCCESSORS AND THE SIXQUIRKS. And we’d better be covering that pronto in this chapter because holy shit I had to wait two weeks after that cliffhanger and that was not fucking fair.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan and Deku read about the one quirk user WE ALREADY FUCKING KNEW ABOUT before they get bored and decide that WE DON’T NEED TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT ANY OF THOSE OTHER LAME QUIRKS APPARENTLY. In an effort to console me, All Might reveals that Shimura Nana’s quirk was THE POWER OF FUCKING FLYING YEAH BITCHES, which does admittedly warm my heart. Also Deku and Kacchan have an entire page of going back and forth at each other like the squabbling siblings they are and that helps too. Also we then cut to all of the 1-A kids having a New Year’s party, and yeah, Horikoshi admittedly knows how to play me like a goddamn fiddle I guess. The chapter then takes a sudden swerve for the nostalgic, with Deku and pals reminiscing about how much they’ve grown and how lucky they are, before we cut to All Might who’s sitting on a bench having Winter Night Angst until he’s comforted by Aizawa of all people, because this chapter is actually fucking great. And then we cut to THREE FUCKING MONTHS LATER LMAOOOO [blows noisemaker] SHIGARACALYPSE 2020 COMING ATCHA KIDS. WOOP WOOP.

okay so I have been persuaded to try out the fan scanlation this week! for several reasons: (1) the new scanlators have had a few weeks now to improve their game and I’m curious to see what the quality is like, (2) there are already spoilers all over my dashboard lol and I’m tired of trying to dodge them, and finally (3) I have nothing else to do this afternoon and I wanna read it. SO IMMA READ IT. BRING ON THE SIXQUIRKS OF DEKU THE NINTH

-- GOD DAMMIT ALL MIGHT

I assume that those are the two shadowy ones, then? Bakushadow and PonytailShadow? goddammit. meanwhile even if we didn’t have that whole mystery, the second user would still be the one I’m most curious about, because (s)he was the first one to actually get OFA handed down to them, and to say that I’m curious about how exactly that went down would be putting it mildly. like how the hell did Lil Bro figure out that he could pass his fucking quirk down to people. and what exactly was the trial and error process involved, if any. was he just like. “dude, come here, I want to try something okay? this is gonna sound really fucking weird but hear me out... I want you to eat my hair” 

sob, honestly a time-traveling Bakugou who already knows how The Whole Deal Works might honestly be the least bizarre explanation. I have so many questions ughh

btw I do also want to call attention to the fact that this chapter is titled “make it your own”, a.k.a. the mantra that Kacchan has been trying to get Deku to adopt since the provisional license exam. so this I do like. that is very promising

hmmMMMMMMMM

motherfuckin time travel is starting to sound more and more likely you guys. oh my god. but how?? someone’s quirk?? or maybe they can just get Mei to build them a machine. fuck it, she’s already upgraded Deku’s costume ten thousand times with random crap, what’s one more. you read it here first, Deku’s next upgrade will be gloves that carry him back and forth in time

lmao Katsuki

on the one hand that is very rude, but on the other hand I too would like him to get to talking about the ones whose quirks he actually did learn about. so yeah. [taps watch] we gonna do this All Might, or

lmao Deku’s asking about Blackwhip and meanwhile Katsuki’s just PICKING UP THE NOTEBOOK, WITHOUT EVEN ASKING, YOINK

(ETA: Kacchan with a normal face is such a rare Charizard of a panel that I just have to stop for a moment to appreciate it. take a good look everyone, we probably won’t get this again for another 50 chapters.)

fucking thank you Kacchan. holy shit. I mean All Might worked hard on it, might as well make use of it. and never mind the explicit “FOR YOUNG MIDORIYA” plastered on the cover I guess lol

also!! BALDY FINALLY GOT HIMSELF A NAME OMGGGGG. “LARIAT.” we’ll see how Caleb translates that tomorrow, I guess. I have no idea what it means but I’m excited!!! yay naaaames

OH THAT’S JUST HIS ALIAS HE’S GOT A REAL NAME TOO OH SNAP

(ETA: also there’s the expected “go” since he’s #5. so that’s apparently still a thing, meaning the mystery behind nos. 2 and 3 is still as perplexing as ever. maybe a bit of a stretch, but does anyone suppose that the “己” at the end of Katsuki’s given name could be interpreted as kind of looking like the Arabic numeral for two? eh? eh??)

seems to be causing a whole lot of collateral damage, but hey, price you pay for being a badass

oh my god my sons are bickering

(ETA: but lmao though at Katsuki being all “YOU THINK EVERY FUCKING QUIRK IS AMAZING” because sob it’s true.)

Katsuki please. first of all WHY WOULD YOU ONLY GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT THE ONE FUCKING QUIRK WE ALREADY KNEW, and two, I kinda need at least one of those quirks to be at least a little bit badass, because fucking shit you guys, uhhhh. [gestures frantically to the last page of chapter 255]  nyghhnghh. and also!! [gestures to the last two pages of chapter 245] ...

hmm so All Might says that Kacchan is right, and that it makes sense that most of the quirks would be weak ones because AFO made it his business to stomp out any strong quirk users on account of the whole “he’s fucking evil” thing and all of that world domination biz

look how evil

oh wow

goddamn that’s one hell of an image. all these fallen heroes desperately trying to make sure that their power, the world’s only hope, doesn’t die out with them

so then from the way All Might makes it sound, it seems like some of the successors maybe weren’t carefully selected at all, but instead they were just the ones who happened to be in the right (wrong??) place at the right time. maybe some of them were fellow soldiers in the war against AFO, and when their comrades fell they were there to pick up the gauntlet. that actually makes a hell of a lot of sense

and also the way they seem to be passing on the quirk appears to be the blood-on-blood method rather than the hair-eating method, so that also potentially addresses my snarky rambling earlier in this very recap lol. Lil Bro may not have meant to pass it on at all; he might have just been gripping some spiky-haired passerby’s hand while mortally wounded, and knowing that his time was up, and hoping against hope that this MYSTERIOUS KACCHAN-LOOKING STRANGER would somehow be able to take up the fight and continue what he started. and then lo and behold

-- motherFUCKER HE REALLY JUST PUT IT BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE LIKE

SO, I GUESS WE JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE OTHER QUIRKS THEN! WELL FINE. let’s just never talk about anything I’m dying to know about again ever!!

“seems they’ve all died young” WELL ISN’T THAT JUST FINE AND FUCKING DANDY. what a wonderful legacy All Might has bequeathed unto our sprightly green protagonist. what a barrel of laughs this has turned out to be

sob my son literally doesn’t know how to take his foot off the gas

but I guess it’s not necessarily a bad thing to have someone there who only relentlessly knows how to go forward, forward, forward

SDFLKSHDOGIHSOGISHLGKSDLFJ

EXCUSE ME, MCFUCKING WHAT DID YOU SAY?! SO YOU’RE TELLING ME MY BEST GIRL COULD FUCKING FLY, IS THAT IT?? AM I READING THIS RIGHT?? WAIT -- HOW DO YOU BREATHE, AGAIN?? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, I

LOL WHAT THE FUCK

(ETA: I left the edges of his speech bubble in while cropping this so everyone can appreciate just how spiky it is.)

me too kid!! you were playing quirk bingo, right? it was only a matter of time before someone came along with flying powers and we all knew it. I’ve been saying it and saying it, Deku was born to touch the sky

lulz he’s screaming at Deku that he can already fly with his explosions, so now while Deku works on mastering his own flying quirk, Katsuki will pull ahead of him SO THAT MAKES HIM THE WINNER I GUESS. lol honestly this speech is one of the nerdiest things he’s ever done and I almost wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d ended it with “OWNED!!!” watch him look around for a mic to drop

oh my god

this isn’t even rival energy, this is sibling energy. like, this one panel is some of the rawest fucking sibling energy I’ve ever seen. the relentless shittalking, the competition over absolutely nothing, the ridiculous faces... just, wow

anyway so I have a ton of thoughts about Katsuki’s current feelings toward Deku ever since the Endeavor and Natsuo “you don’t have to forgive me” thing, but the short version is that I think Katsuki lately has actually been really worried about upsetting the status quo with Deku, and, well... “losing” Deku, so to speak. I think during the internship he finally clued in to the fact that he actually had been a real certified jerkweiner to Deku, but more importantly he woke up to the realization that he doesn’t know for sure if Deku actually has forgiven him. like, he’s been going around thinking that it’s in the past, that it doesn’t matter, and then along come the Todorokis with all their drama, and he sees that and he realizes oh shit, sometimes people secretly have tons of resentment that’s just burning away at them underneath and shit!

and so the thought is kind of eating at him now that Deku might not have actually forgiven him, and he’s actually really scared of that, and so he’s reacting in two different ways: one, by being irrationally annoyed/angry with Deku for having that power over him (the power to either forgive him or not), even though that’s his own fault; and two, by trying in his own way to aggressively push things toward being the way they were back when they were little kids before their whole falling out. which, in his mind, means them being rivals. like, in the second character book, there’s a section that’s all about the characters’ relationships with each other, and in for Deku it says he views his and Kacchan’s relationship as “childhood friends”, but from Katsuki’s perspective, their relationship is listed as “childhood rivals.” so yeah

anyway so I guess I lied about this being “the short version” (I’m gonna have to essay about this more in a separate post I think), but basically I think that in Katsuki’s mind this kind of juvenile making-faces-and-egging-each-other-on thing is how he interprets their friendship, and he’s very awkwardly trying to get back to that

anyway! I got hella sidetracked there so let’s get back to the plot shall we. there’s a sweet panel of All Might smiling at the two of them because I think he also sees that this scene is somehow heartwarming in its own bizarre way lol

and then WE’RE CUTTING BACK TO THE DORMS YESSSSSS

(ETA: stray thought -- it’s an absolute fucking delight to see all of the male characters cooking for once while the girls, as far as I can see, are just sitting around chilling in the living area. like I’m sure they are helping as well, but you have no idea how fucking refreshing it is to not have the girl characters be all “WE’LL COOK FOR YOU BOYS SINCE YOU’RE SO HOPELESS AND/OR YOU’RE WORKING SO HARD TEEHEE.” holy shit. it’s great.)

to answer your question, Sero, they’ve been having secret powwows with All Might and discussing things like how Kacchan is objectively better than Deku it’s science, and how to make Deku fly. what have you all been doing

OH I SEE YOU ARE HAVING DINNER

is that Tokoyami running like a Hanna-Barbera character in the background. every time I think I have a handle on his character Horikoshi has a new twist ready to keep me on my toes. also lol at Kirishima remembering how Kacchan did jackall to help during the Christmas party, and making sure he does his part this time IF HE WANTS TO EAT

(ETA: lol so after rereading this that’s clearly Deku in the background. I still think it looks more like Tokoyami though! but obviously the two of them are the only ones still in their uniforms, so.)

OH BOY OH BOY NOW THIS CHAPTER IS CRACKIN’

TODOROKI SHOUTO!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UNTO YOUR FAMILY! lmao he’s so quick to answer “IT WAS ME I DID IT” with his two fucking exclamation points too lol. I don’t know why that’s so amusing to me but it is and I love it

meanwhile Horikoshi got a little too playful when drawing that Momochako page there huh. drew the back of her head but was then like “BUT THEN YOU CAN’T SEE HER ADORABLE SMILE” but he couldn’t be assed to redraw it so he improvised. IT’S CALLED ART

ahhhhhhh class B is joining them yesssss!! and Kodai’s bringing a couch oh my god such an excellent and practical application of her Ant-Man quirk to make sure everyone has someplace to sit these children are so cooperative and wise

YAY WHOLESOME NEW YEAR’S PARTY ANTICS

KATSUKI HAS UPGRADED FROM SANTA GRUMP TO SITTING NICELY WITH HIS SQUAD!! SHOUJI IS WEARING ANOTHER OF HIS LEGENDARY PONCHOS!! TSUYU JUST SAVED MINA’S LIFE!! KOUDA BROUGHT HIS BUNNY BECAUSE BUNNY DESERVES TO PARTY TOO!! AND AOYAMA IS PROBABLY WEARING A ROBE, BUT I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT IT’S A DRESS AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!! NEW YEAR NEW HIM YES CHEERS

oh my god they’re starting to reminisce, no my emotions were not ready for this please chill out kids

look at them talking like they’re all grown up now

you do realize you all are still just babies right. “it was a crazy ride... back then we were so young...” is that Joe Cocker’s version of With a Little Help from My Friends I hear playing in the background. why has the film quality gone all grainy. what is this what’s happening

THANK YOU IIDA

as expected from the resident 40-year-old. please tell these children to get a grip. they’re out here talking about which Roth IRAs they’re going to get and how much their lower backs hurt

also, this scanlation hasn’t been too bad so far, but I feel like knowing it’s “Iida” and not “Lida” is like the bare minimum of translating a chapter of BnHA. like at least get the names right. but anyway I cropped that part of the panel out regardless because Mineta’s face was ruining the atmosphere so it’s all good

oh no. oh shit wait. what’s going on here

do not tell me this is one of those “calm before the storm/AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME EVERYONE WAS ALL TOGETHER AND HAPPY EVER AGAIN” things. please no. please tell me I’m overreacting and grossly misinterpreting the general vibe here. fuck

also though, you see that bit in the Kacchan panel though lol. so yeah their relationship is just like that. it’s weird but they like it

jesus christ now Deku is sitting there saying “I’m very fortunate” with this face like he’s just DARING fate to come on over and punch him in the balls. DEKU!!

no!!!! [swipes at the air in an attempt to ward off the oncoming plot] go away! shoo!

and interestingly, Tokoyami is watching him!

do you want in on this plot too buddy. is that it. well your mentor has gotten himself all wound up in this spider’s web by this point, so why not. if we’re gonna have angst I guess the more the merrier

LMAO NEVER MIND, THE VERY NEXT PANEL HE’S ASKING DEKU TO PASS THE FUCKING PONZU AGAIN. DEKU COULD YOU FUCKING SNAP TO IT ALREADY HOW MANY GODDAMN TIMES DOES HE HAVE TO ASK

NOW ALL MIGHT IS SITTING ALONE ON A BENCH OUTSIDE THE TEACHER’S DORMS AND AIZAWA IS THERE SUDDENLY

is he going to talk to him about Eri. or the whole Noumu thing. ahhhhhhh

someone please tell All Might he needs to stop acting like he’s about to die. holy shit. this is reaching unacceptable levels. the fond smile while watching Deku’s progress. another fond smile while seeing him and Bakugou going back and forth, perhaps feeling reassured that someone else will be there to look out for Deku once he’s gone. giving Deku a notebook with everything he knows about OFA. and now SITTING ON A BENCH ALONE IN THE DARK IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER WITH HIS HANDS FOLDED IN HIS LAP JUST THINKING THOUGHTS!! AND AIZAWA’S ALL “WHAT ARE YOU DOING” AND HE’S ALL “NOTHING... JUST...” HOLY FUCKING SHIT ALL MIGHT COULD YOU PLEASE NOT

but anyways so what’s this you say about training Eri now

fffFFFFFS HE’S DOING IT AGAIN

he doesn’t know if he’ll be here come springtime, that’s what’s up. the clock is ticking on Nighteye’s prophecy, and even though he swore he’d live and punch fate in the mouth, you never know though and shit but this is depressing. anyway if my guess is right he may be about to share the secret of OFA with Aizawa though, because that’s what I’d do if I thought I was possibly gonna die and my student might need someone to continue mentoring him once I was gone. so, you know, still a bummer but also YES ALL MIGHT DO ITTTTT

oh nope nevermind he’s just rambling and Aizawa doesn’t have a clue wtf he’s on about

fffff this is some prime grade A All Might angst right here, the gods have blessed us after so long oh snap oh dang

so then maybe he doesn’t think he’s dying lol. well whatever. I think it’s probably a little of column A, a little of column B, that sort of thing but hey

yo you guys, Aizawa bonding with All Might is just. [chef’s kiss] it’s been so long. I don’t think we’ve had a long scene between them since the parent teacher meetings oh my god. Aizawa definitely respects him so much more now and it’s great

totally off subject btw, but the third light novel has a chapter where the teachers all meet up at a local bar and get trashed and talk about all kinds of crap, and Aizawa drunkenly tells All Might he respects the hell out of him, and it’s an absolute delight and everyone should read it. here’s the link to the Viz edition. it’s easily the best of the light novels (though I haven’t read the fourth one which is coming out in March), and an enjoyable read from start to finish. anyways thus ends my unsponsored plug, now back to our regularly scheduled programming

yep. safe to say the days when he thought All Might was an attention-loving media whore are long gone. fuck I love this

oh my god oh my fucking god

wow. just. ...shit. this is a message that I think everyone should hear, first of all, and this is easily one of the most gorgeous and profound panels this manga has ever had. like holy shit I almost cried

and second of all, tell me something, how is Aizawa the most comforting, gentle, supportive, encouraging man in the universe, and how did we get so lucky, and can you believe this man wasn’t even planning to become a teacher holy shit. we can’t afford to lose him, ever

OH FUCK ALL MIGHT, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU START CRYING HERE --

let me tell you I did not need that flashback panel of Nighteye TODAY OF ALL DAYS, HOLY SHIT. THE HELL KIND OF TIMING IS THAT. HE KNEW WHAT EPISODE WAS AIRING THIS WEEKEND, HE DOES SKETCHES FOR THEM EVERY WEEK, THIS WAS FULLY INTENTIONAL AND I FEEL AGGRIEVED

my god All Might is pinching the corners of his eyes and apologizing I can’t. STOP OFFLOADING ALL OF THESE ALL MIGHT FEELS ON ME. even now, after everything he’s given, he still feels like it’s not enough. it’s in his nature to feel restless, to want to do more. he’s earned the right to rest -- earned it more than anyone in the world -- but he can’t, and he feels guilty and helpless because the burden he shouldered for so long has been passed on to everyone else now, and he knows how heavy it is, and he was so willing to carry it even if it destroyed him, but he can’t anymore! and then to have someone come along and say “it’s okay, you’ve done enough, you’re doing enough, you are enough,” just. shit shit shit shit shit. I can hear Horikoshi’s truck beeping as it backs up to dump YET MORE FEELS all over my goddamn house. there are feels being tossed out of an airplane door overhead with little parachutes. fucking paperboys are riding by on their bicycles and whipping them at my face screaming “EXTRA! EXTRA!” fucking...

-- HOLY SHIT!?!?

well my jaw just dropped. um. [peeks at calendar] do you mean to tell me that we’re just CUTTING STRAIGHT TO THE PARTY NOW, JUST LIKE THAT

WELL FUCK, LMAO. BEEN NICE KNOWING Y’ALL

sDFLKSHGLKH

Horikoshi: [poking his head in the door] hey what’s up guys just thought I’d toss in this panel of Ujiko here to remind you all that Spring is when --

everyone: JESUS CHRIST WE KNOW

-- WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK LOL, WHAT

well I guess it’s nice to know that those feelings of impending doom were apparently RIGHT ON THE MONEY sob. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, JUST THE END OF ALL HEROES!! JUST UJIKO ROAMING THE HALLS OF HIS LOCAL HOSPITAL BEING ALL “HO HO” BECAUSE HE’S FINISHED HIS WINTER PROJECT OF TURNING TOMURA INTO ONE OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND HE’S FEELING REALLY FUCKING GREAT ABOUT LIFE. JUST THE MANGA JUMPING AHEAD THREE FUCKING MONTHS JUST LIKE THAT, AND DROPPING US BACK IN BARELY A WEEK BEFORE THE START OF THE KIDS’ SECOND YEAR, A.K.A. “YEAR OF THE SHINSOU”, A.K.A. “YEAR THAT KACCHAN FINALLY REVEALS HIS HERO NAME BECAUSE HOLY SHIT SON YOU REALLY FUCKING SAT ON THAT FOR THREE MORE FUCKING MONTHS!?”, A.K.A. “THE YEAR ALL MIGHT BETTER NOT FUCKING DIE”, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, A.K.A. “[GESTURES FRANTICALLY TO CHAPTER 245 AGAIN]”

lol. here I was hoping we had at least a little more time before the whole “we’re fucked” thing kicked in, but I guess the apocalypse waits for no one. gentlemen it has been a privilege playing with you tonight

#bnha 257 #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #all might #aizawa shouta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #what would you do if I sang out of tune #would you stand up and walk out on me #lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song #I will try not to sing out of key #OH BABY #I get by (AH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!) #[montage of tomura destroying stuff] #all I need is my buddies (AH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS) #[montage of all the heroes dying] #I say I'm gonna get high (AH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS) #[montage of 11 noumus attacking while deku flies around trying to fight them all with his five other boring quirks] #oh yeah (OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH)

[betterpathoflyfe]

Who is May the Author? - 3/22/21

You may have noticed that whenever I write a blogpost, I sign with this pseudo name, “May the Author.” Those who know my personally know that “May” isn’t my real name, but I never really talked about the significance behind that name (I use it as a few of my social media handles too). I mentioned an aspect of it briefly (like...super brief lol) in the previous post, but I want to shed a bit more light!

Sooooooo....

For the longest time...when I was around like...10-13 years old?

I...was the biggest Sonic Hedgehog fan.

Like...#1 biggest fan. I really got into it with the shows and movies first (surprisingly), and then the video games and computer games. I loved watching the gameplays, especially for Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 (wow...the nostalgia I just got LOL), as well as the fan-made videos on Youtube like Ask the Sonic Heroes & Sonic Shorts (if you only knew how many times I’m saying “oh my gosh” as I type this...like it’s nostalgic, a taaaaad bit embarrassing if you know me in real life, just....oh my gosh!!!)

But yeah! What really solidified my love for his character was actually through this sprite comic that I followed called, “Sonic and Pals,” by Trevor Fayas (his site crashed years ago sadly). Essentially, it was sort of like a college project for him at the time, and he utilized Sonic characters to portray things like “Romeo and Juliet,” “Caesar,” etc. Yet, he still maintained the characters’ personalities and had running jokes throughout it. It was really good, and was pretty popular at the time! 

His comic then allowed me to get into this world of sprite comics, with the website, https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/ getting me familiar with different styles, characters, etc. I soon learned about sprite sheets that include different characters, and then accessory, background, and other sheets that people compile to create their stories! I really started to become invested in these so I eventually decided I wanted to do my own comic (I can’t pinpoint the exact reason, but I guess I was just inspired?)! And what better characters to use than Sonic characters? 

Once those sprite sheets were compiled, however, I had no idea what the comic should be about. But after talking to my dad about it, I figured I’d have my “debut” comics talking about Jesus! Therefore, I made this website: https://christskidscorner.wordpress.com/ and tried my hand at a few comics. My goal was to incorporate lessons about God, but still maintain the characters’ personalities through it. Here’s an example of one (if the picture is blurry, here is the link to it and then click on the image: https://christskidscorner.wordpress.com/2011/10/01/comic-4/ ):

Now mind you...I was 12...so chill 😭

BUT, I really enjoyed doing these, and also incorporated other things on the site, including how one could become saved through Christ, prompts featuring “What Would Jesus Do,” and other Christian resources that people could check out (like Adventures in Odyssey)! It was really my way to begin getting familiar with sprites in general.

I always say, though, that my “breakout” comic was my comic called “Sonic and Chums” (as you see, I really loved Trevor’s comic haha). But I always say that that comic is really my baby! Here is the link: https://sonicandchums.wordpress.com/. With this comic, I really took a page out of Trevor’s comic from the very beginning, but by season 2, really began to create my own ideas! Each season sort of took it’s own story, but still kept it interesting, you know? On the site, near the right, you’ll see that I said that the funniest comic was Comic 19. I loved it because it really embodied the personalities of Sonic and Knuckles (to me, at least). This was it (https://sonicandchums.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/comic-19-dealing-with-villains-rouge-runs-into-eggman-again/ ) :

It may be hard to see on here, but in my early comics, I was still learning editing aspects as well! This one, for instance, wasn’t even cropped. But through practice, I got pretty familiar with it! I began using other characters in the comic and creating my own, as well! For example, I sort of created a new storyline with an alternative universe that is parallel to Sonic’s. That season was my favorite (and when I revisit the site, it definitely still is), as I really got to learn how to recolor characters and backgrounds (me and Paint became best friends throughout all of this), give sprites transparency, etc. I was able to mesh different games together and still make it work, you know? This, for instance, was my first real, mini fight scene that I was able to create (from the Alternative Universe comic https://sonicandchums.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/comic-74-121/):

I was invested in all of this to say the least, and allowed me to learn some cool editing skills at the same time!

THAT BEING SAID, one thing that I thought Trevor did that was really smart was the usage of a “sprite author,” which would kind of break that fourth wall between them and the audience. Essentially, it was him as a sprite. Therefore, I knew that I wanted to incorporate myself as the “sprite author,” as well. But I wanted to create a name for it, too, but still have related to me.

Now, Amy Rose was my favorite character only because I, too, am sort of a hopeless romantic myself. So I figured I’d do a play on her name and switch around the letters to May, which also happened to be my birth month as well. I also loved the name, “Mai,” because of Avatar the Last Airbender, so yeah! 

 May the Author was born (https://sonicandchums.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/comic-1-new-beginnings-a-stick-of-power-2/ ):

Even though it’s sometimes a little embarrassing to talk about it, I truly am proud of those comics because I know the work I really put into make each one, and it was a lot. My website in itself was hard work as well, as I created interactive links for each season, as well as Sonic related stuff like videos and games. It makes me a little sad, though, how some of the comic links and, because Adobe Flash expired, game links have become inactive over time. But, in it’s prime, it was really a great site! My friends and even teachers checked it out during that time, and I even got hits from different parts of the world. It was truly something I enjoyed doing when I was younger.

That is why I wanted to keep the handle. It’s sort of like a remembrance but also a credit aspect! I know that some of my peers today would not believe I created something like this, so I’ve just always kept the name to show like...yeah...I did lol.

So yeah! That, my friend, is the background story behind that name (it’s also my Twitter handle, so follow me on Twitter!).

“Work hard, that way no matter what happens you know you did your absolute best.” 

~ May the Author

#blogposts

[amandajeanwrites]

The End of an Era

Seven years ago, yes count those, SEVEN years ago, in late 2014, at the peak of internet fashion hauls and makeup tutorials, during the rise of YouTube and Pinterest and Tumblr, I moved from podunk Montana to the big urban areas in and around Portland, Oregon. Portlandia was airing, hipsters were growing mustaches and wearing plaid on a global scale, and I was ready to drink craft beer and breathe in as much pine scent as I could muster. 

I wanted to be a Blogger or a Vlogger. I wanted to talk about travel, but also film, but also also makeup and fashion because I was growing into my fashionista-ness. I wanted to infiltrate little boutiques and hold events and start social media campaigns, you know, really get ahead of the curve. So my first(ish) job when I moved out here was working as a sales associate for a tiny boutique.

Now, this boutique was a chain based in Austin or Houston or something, so I wasn’t going to head their social media anytime soon, and I was just working as a lowly sales associate at minimum wage, and I’m pretty sure I only worked about twenty hours to start out, but I had confidence in myself and my abilities to grow up and out.

God, I remember during my interview, I wore this NEON FLORAL swing dress that I’d bought in Portland with my Mom that July, paired with a neon sports bra that matched the colors in the dress, all topped off with a God awful cobalt blue cropped cardigan and probably some glitter-embellished shoes. For those of you who have grown to love and appreciate my new sense of style (emo-chic), you’ll understand how mind-boggling that would have been. Oh God, I probably also had matching neon lipstick and eyeliner or something.

The point is, I was young and adorable and confident in my skin and my outfit decisions. I remember panicking throughout the interview, noticing bright colors on the racks of the stock room over the manager’s head and just talking about how much I loved color… the ENTIRE interview. It’s honestly a miracle she hired me.

The reason I’m talking about this now, and the reason it’s all come surging back into my memory so damn vividly, is because Sean and I were walking through that little shopping center over the weekend (the entire mall has been and always will be one of my favorite places in my area), and we walked by this little boutique to see it’s Closing. We hopped in and bought four pairs of earrings as a last donation to the cause, and I immediately felt bitter sweet and melancholy and nostalgic for everything I learned and did there.

I talk about my outfits, my prospects at that time in my life, to reflect on just how much I’ve grown. I was so young, on the edge of 23, and I moved away from home for the very first time. I dragged my boyfriend along with me, and we overstayed our welcome at my Grandma’s. I actually remember driving the 40 minutes to work and 40 minutes back in the middle of the night, fog coating the road and my car, cranking One Direction’s Four album. (A premonition that Zayn was leaving, don’t we think!?)

I was experimenting with a social media presence, with blogging, with fashion and makeup, absorbing everything I could. I explored Portland and the surrounding areas. We went to the coast constantly. I just wanted to get out and see the world, be whoever I didn’t think I could back home. I was making new friends and trying to figure out who I was without college or Musicals or the country western bars or Perkins.

The biggest issues I had were suburban Moms from Lake Oswego that wheeled strollers through our claustrophobic boutique, knocking breakables off the gift table and then scoffing at us before they left. I spent hours irritated with my boss for being a controlling 25-year-old (an actual child). I clung to the drama of my past, not understanding how to be without thinking of how much my hometown had “wronged me”. Dear God, I was dramatic. 

I had prejudices, against suburban Moms! And against sex workers and against hipsters and against Big City people that didn’t understand Little City people and against Little City people that didn’t understand me. 

I talked too much and didn’t work hard. My only real memories of actual work from that boutique were untangling the God damn necklaces, which TRUST me was an 8 hour task. Mainly, though, we dusted the room for the 40th time and gossiped about senseless things like boyfriends that wouldn’t hurry up and propose already! (Sean did two and a half years later.)

I met my best friend there, unexpectedly. I remember meeting her and thinking she was way too cool for me. She’s stunning, hip, knows how to style a French tuck, and she seemed to rule the boutique in a way that I couldn’t ever match. The actual manager hated it too, always trying to undermine her to appear superior. None of us could live up to the grace and beauty that was Rochelle. 

We bonded over our hatred for retail and our love for One Direction and YouTube and conspiracy theories, and I’m so so glad we did. I also met at least three of my other best friends as an extension, and if any of you are reading this, I love you all. 

I took up writing again in 2014. First, little blog pieces, like I mentioned before. I wrote about my favorite products and all the places I wanted to visit in Oregon (some of them, I still haven’t crossed off my list. Sean? Get the car!). But then, something in me whispered that I needed to try creative writing again. I don’t think I’d written a story for years, not since freshman year of college when I’d write dramatic love stories about the boys I had crushes on. (Do you remember that, Aubrie? So embarrassing!) 

So I sat down, the day after Christmas, at my grandma’s countertop, and I decided to start writing a tiny piece of fiction every single day for a year. That was my goal, just a year. Until I couldn’t stop. I think I did just over 550 days, and even then, I never thought that someday I’d call myself a “writer”. I was still working retail, planning on social media management and fashion blogging, at a different boutique and a different stage in my life. But that’s a story for another time. 

I guess the point of all this, the reminiscing and nostalgia, is that if I could go back and pay that girl a visit, walk into that store and help her untangle those necklaces, I’d tell her her colored mascara is fierce and that she should keep at it. I’d tell her that someday, she would laugh at all of the drama from back home. I’d tell her that she’d move on to bigger and better jobs, and she’d kick ass at them until she realized her true calling. I’d tell her to keep writing because nothing will make her happier. I’d tell her to buy less furniture, because she’s going to be in that apartment too damn long. 

But mostly, I’d tell her that time moves on and people change and interests change and the weather changes, so just have a total blast with everything you’re doing right now, in the moment. I want to look back in another 7 years with twice the amount of fondness, knowing that I was struggling with silly, minute qualms that won’t matter then. Knowing how much I’ve grown and learned and shaped, I can’t wait to see how much I’ll grow and learn and shape in the future. 

Although, I do hope, in 7 years, I’m still wearing strictly black and white. Hahaha! 

What were you wearing in 2014? It’s important I know.

Thank you so much for sticking around all of these years and putting up with me and supporting me. And thank you, as always, for reading xo

#writeblr #time capsule #end of an era #nostalgia post #looking back #seven years ago #2014

[gobsnacc]

3-5 (i used 7) songs that represent your muse

I picked the lyrics that most spoke to who svetza is.

I really liked this one!

Tagged by: @cosmicnexus

Tagging: @frillexfangs @bluehaired-tales

Im still standing - elton jon (her tenacity in spite of what others have said about her)

“And did you think this fool could never win?

Well look at me, I'm a-coming back again

I got a taste of love in a simple way

And if you need to know while I'm still standing

You just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did?

Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

And I'm still standing after all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind”

Im still here - from treasure planet (finding and accepting who she is)

“They can't tell me who to be

Cause I'm not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleeping

While I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies

That I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real

Wanna touch things I don't feel

We want to hold on and feel I belong

And how can they say I'll never change

They're the ones that stay the same

I'm the one now

Cause I'm still here

I'm the one

Cause I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here”

We like to party/venga bus is coming - venga boys (her love of partying)

“We like to party

We like, we like to party

We like to party

We like, we like to party

We like to party

We like, we like to party

We like to party

I've got somethin' to tell ya

I've got news for you

Gonna put some wheels in motion

Get ready 'cause we're comin' through (comin' through)

Hey now, hey now, hear what I say now

Happiness is just around the corner

Hey now, hey now, hear what I say now

We'll be there for you”

Its a kind of magic - queen (her love and hope of using magic)

“One dream, one soul, one prize, one goal

One golden glance of what should be

(It's a kind of magic)

One shaft of light that shows the way

No mortal man can win this day

The bell that rings inside your mind

It's a challenging the doors of time

(It's a kind of magic)

The waiting seems eternity

The day will dawn of sanity

It's a kind of magic

(It's a kind of magic)

There can be only one

This rage that lasts a thousand years

Will soon be gone

This flame that burns inside of me

I'm hearing secret harmonies”

Just the two of us - bill withers and grover washington jr (a song for her daddy)

“Just the two of us

We can make it if we try

Just the two of us

(Just the two of us)

Just the two of us

Building castles in the sky

Just the two of us

You and I”

Kim dracula - bards last note (her chaotic idgaf nature and “i cast fuck you” brand of magic)

“I don't give a

I don't give a

I don't give a

I don't give a

Fuck

Chopping your heads and I'm cropping

Your necks, blowing up your defences

Can I get a moment of silence for all

The pretty people, I just wanna kill 'em all

Fuck

Never

Get the

Bigger

Picture

Guess I'm done with all these motherfuckers

Tryna give a shit about things they know nothing about”

Ill stand by you - the pretenders (her loyalty and caringness to those she holds dear)

“Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,

Come on and come to me now, and don't be ashamed to cry,

Let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,

Nothing you confess could make me love you less,

I'll stand by you,

I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,

I'll stand by you”

#tag games #dash games

[honeyrose-tea]

are you doing anything for new years? if you could call any friend to talk to at midnight to enter the new year together, who would you choose? do you enjoy staying up late or going to bed early? do you like making new years resolutions? if so, what are some of your new years resolutions for 2021? did you have any for 2020? did you succeed at them? if you didn't, are you going to try again this year? what are your hopes for the upcoming year? your fears? your most ridiculous prediction? -🌙

no, I don't have any plans for new years. my parents will likely put on the tv and I might watch a bit of the festivities, or I may just go to bed and let the year come softly. either way, it won't be too eventful. but I don't mind

the past few years I've gone to my friend Syl's (@spice-ghouls) house to celebrate new years with them and a couple friends, and I've always enjoyed that. and they're basically my only friend at the moment, as well as being one of my oldest and best friends. so probably them. I love them very much

I hate waking up early. though I love the morning and think it's a beautiful time of day, I like waking up when my body tells me to and that rarely coincides with the morning. I especially hate alarms, no matter what tone they are it's always such an abrupt way to start the day. I'm excited for the day when my significant other (who is hopefully a lighter sleeper than I am) wakes up to a quiet alarm, rolls over, and gently wakes me up so we can start our day together. maybe then I wouldn't mind waking up early.

as for staying up late, I don't love it either. I do love the night, it has a peace that is similar to yet distinct from the morning. but staying up late is honestly almost a compulsion at this point and it definitely has negative effects on me. it's something I've been working to stop doing over the past year or two. I still do it (it's almost 1am as I type this) but I don't love it either. the best nights are when I go to sleep at a reasonable time (8-11pm) and wake up naturally, but still early enough not to feel as if the day is already wasted

I'm not big on resolutions, actually. I mean I don't mind them, I just don't usually don't have any. if I want to do something, I just start doing it right away, I don't wait for a certain time to start. if I get a whim in July or October or even December to start writing more poems or posting less on social media or whatever, I start immediately instead of making it a whole big new years resolution. part of that is because I'm very instrospective and goal-driven by nature so I'm always seeking out new ways to grow and improve. I think people in general don't think much about their goals until it's time for a milestone like the new year. I guess it's also because the new year just isn't that big of a deal for me. if anything I seem to reflect most on my growth around my birthday rather than new years

that said, I did have a resolution in 2019, simply because I happened to get a whim right around that time of year. the resoltion was to visit all the counties in my state. I had lived here my whole life and hadn't been very far outside the city I live in, I wasn't really familiar with the state's geography either, and that didn't sit right with me. I felt like I couldn't call myself a real resident until I really took ownership of the and got out into the state itself. so from January to July I visited 80+ counties, often with one or both of my parents, and it was incredible. it made me feel so much more connected to my region and we found so many hidden gems. I have tons of pictures and I've done some writing about it if you're ever interested. but yeah, since then it's been kinda hard to come up with new resolutions. I feel like I peaked with that one, I don't know how I'd top it.

I'm not planning on a resolution for 2021, but maybe something will pop into my head in the next couple days. I want to be more social after the vaccine, that I know for sure. it was kind of a wake-up call that the pandemic didn't change my social life hardly at all. I want to spend more time with friends and family and enjoy the little things like the ability to eat in a restaurant or cafe or go thrift shopping or go to the movies. I just think I should do more with my life, and I've been feeling that way for several years now. I've made some small steps, but post-quarantine I want to make bigger ones. my lifetime is finite. outside of that I don't know of anything big I hope to accomplish in 2021. good grades I guess, but that's kind of a given. I'm always aiming for good grades

I hope that the year is filled with love and warmth. I hope it is calm, joyful, and that I can live it out with all the people I love by my side. I hope that for everyone else too, that they can be closer to their loved ones. I hope for less death and sickness and that the virus is eradicated as soon as possible. I hope for more equality and progress, and though they are slow I do believe they're coming. I hope that life becomes more normal, and that people who are hurting are comforted. I hope things go well for my church, because it means a lot to me. selfishly I hope for a significant other, and I hope it's the last one. I'm so ready to be with the person I will spend my life with, I like the thought of stability and security, of building a life with someone. and even more selfishly I hope it's Eli. I hope my dog stays healthy, that my chickens live long lives as well, and that the weather is nice. I hope I get to spend more time outside. I hope that children get to see their friends, go to school, and that they are more carefree. though I don't have any siblings I do have some special kids in my life and I hated seeing how they've suffered this year. I just hope everything is better and happier for everyone, that we are all more successful and compassionate. I especially hope that we will carry our lessons from 2020 with us but leave behind the pain

I have a lot of fears. I am scared of the unknowns about the virus- the effectiveness of the vaccine on a massive population, the new strains, the long-term effects of the virus or even the vaccine that may crop up months or years from now, and much more. I am scared about the state of our society and how reforming it seems nearly impossible, I am scared that at some point this unsustainable system will fall apart, I am afraid of how and when that will happen and how many people will have to suffer and die amidst the collapse. I am afraid of a very lonely and uneventful year, I am afraid of a lonely year filled with bad events too. I am afraid for the health and safety of everyone, especially those I love. I know we aren't out of the woods yet, and the new year will not be a magical fix. I am a little afraid regarding how quickly my future is approaching, that in 2021 I will need to be looking at grad schools and applying to begin my graduate program in fall 2022. I am afraid I will lose my passion, I am afraid maybe I never had any passion to begin with. and as always, I am afraid of being forgotten, but also afraid of being known, deeply known, and still remaining unloved. I think we often forget the mortifying ordeal of being known is not guaranteed to result in love

still, I don't want to dwell on my fears, and though it has been tempting in the midst of all this chaos, I think I have managed to push them away most of the time. I think fear is rarely productive except sometimes as a motivator, and even then I would rather be motivated by love or hope or optimism than by fear. I will end with my absurd prediction, which is of course that Eli and I will get back together and it will be permanent. I hate to say it but I do honestly believe it, even though I know it's ridiculous. I have a deep sense that it will happen. I don't know why. it is just a divine knowing, one that I have only felt before on a couple occasions, both of which were definitely orchestrated by God, I have no doubt about either. but feelings aside, you can never predict the future, and I am excited to see what happens regardless. there is joy in not completely knowing, joy in knowing that you will get to live it out and watch it all unfold. all that I can do is learn and love and grow and work as hard as I can, and the universe will take care of the rest

thank you for this, my friend. your questions aid in my self-reflection and I always feel like I know myself better after writing to you. I hope you are well, and thank you again for taking an interest in me. it means a lot to me, more than I can say. I hope your holidays were/are well. are you doing anything for new years? talk you soon:) xoxo💞

#ask #pen pal #eli

[swoopy-phantom]

Minecraft Lore Time

Thanks to new ideas and updates in recent years, I’ve thought Minecraft to be purgatory. You are dead. You died in the real world. And so god has created a new one for you, just like many others. When you create a new world you are looking at it from god’s view when she is making your world. Choosing the assets and distinct features... she knows what you might and might not like. When you die you wake up in purgatory, like nothing ever happened in real life. You find yourself in the wilderness, forced to gather materials and start a new life. The angels watching over you in purgatory also helped create this world. They don’t look like the “ideal” angel though.. no. They are tall and lanky and will fight even you if it’s meant to keep yourself safe from the dangers of the world. They almost look like- wait.

is that..?

a zombie? why is it.. oh no.

You scramble to find a light source in the piercing dark veil of the night. Anything. Anything to fight off these horrible creatures.

These are your demons.

The Endermen come and in a way they protect you. They work with the phantoms. You see in this world you are meant to believe it IS the real world. Doing everything you’d do as normal. But something, in case you haven’t guessed, is wrong. It’s all wrong...

Where did my friends go..?

Where is everyone...?

You are alone.

The Endermen make sure you live a normal life. Or what they perceive as normal. Whatever god thought was normal when she was creating this world for you and giving the angels instructions. You are to eat, sleep, explore, and build maybe. Building extraordinary things. So long as you eat every day and sleep every night. You could die from natural causes such as starvation, or fall to your death from the highest point just from tripping and being clumsy. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing when night falls because that is when the demons come out whether you like it or not, and the angels are there among them. They make sure you go to sleep regularly and you’re not thinking too much about this world. They want you to think it is the real world. When you look at them curiously and start asking yourself questions, you are thinking too much. Don’t look at them because you will become curious and they will become angry. They’ll kill you if it means you’ll just go to sleep for the night. The phantoms have the same goal in mind. They’re just another form of “angels”.

The villagers are another aspect that’s just not right.. maybe when creating them in your image god maybe slipped up... somewhere. What is.. heh. Their noses... haha, and those heads. They’re like people.

What is.. oh? I’m sorry, I don’t have this kind of currency yet. Let me get some. Oh! There’s a farmer! Maybe he’d like some of the crops I grew at home.. maybe carrots? Here you are. And now I have emeralds to buy those books. But.. ugh. They’re in a different language. No matter. I just need a quill. Now where did that chicken go...

The villages were made in the image of cities. Unfortunately there is no technology, only magic in this world. Unless you find a way to become skilled with that red stone stuff, I don’t think you’ll be getting any closer to “modern” anytime soon. Now since there is magic, you must be able to get it and use it as you please.

What is.. oh! A cleric! You must make potions! How do I get one? Forged in.. what fire? Hell? Demons?? What are you talking abou- oh the rod.. oh. Oh.

Of course the magic will be hard to harness for yourself. Once you grab hold of it, keep it on a leash. And use it responsibly. Do not let the angels become aware. Deep in the caves you find the black stone the cleric spoke of, and light it like a fire, just like his instructions said to do. A mysterious gateway opens. It is very ethereal looking. It fits right into this world. This is your first use of magic. “Armor up” the cleric had garbled to you, for their language is much different. With your armor on and your sword ready, you walk into the gateway. Feeling dizzy, you find yourself almost immediately in hell. If only it weren’t so.. hot. You start sweating under your armor, but know you must keep it on. There is a.. oh god. What is that thing. Is it a squid? No, those are back in the ocean. I don’t think any kind of water life could survive a second here. It almost looks like a ghost. Why is it sad?

These are the ghasts. Unable to understand the cleric’s language, instead it came out as “ghast” rather than “ghost” and so that is what you call them. Hey.. it’s oka- WHAT THE HELL?!

He shoots a fireball at you, repelling any vivid emotions again. He is angry, and wants nothing to do with you. Do not pity him. If you do not stop looking at him right now you will die. You put your sword up in defense and- it fires back. You’ve shielded yourself. Successfully too. The fireball hits the ghast and you become locked into this kind of fight. Watch your step, do not fall into the ocean of lava below. There we go now just one more.. and it is dead. Tears..? Why do I feel stronger? Was that it’s soul that I just absorbed? I’ll save these tears for later. They almost seem crystallized. There is more ahead. You see a castle- no. A fortress. The yellow things.. they’re blazing hot! Blazing with fire.. what in the- Blazes. They are the Blazes you were told of. And you had to kill them. You rush forward with the mighty strength of the ghast in your soul and with the might of your sword you start cutting them up. One by one, gathering enough of what seems to be their spines for your brewing stand. The guards have been alerted. They are charred from the fires of this world.. poor things. Some of the lava and brimstone seems to have come to life in a big chunk. There are.. pigs? Men? We’ll call those pigmen. They must be guarding something too. Just do not interfere with their work, or you will be in a world of trouble. Is that.. oh no. The angels. Quick, find the warts for the magic and get back home. You stumble out of the portal, feeling dizzy as a drunk. Your home is just over there.. time for sleep, I guess. In the morning, you run to the tower you prepared for the magic you will be harnessing. You take the stone, the spines.. better crush some up for fuel. Everything needs power from somewhere. And it works. You place it on the countertop, grab your glass bottles. I guess these magics in bottles will need a base, huh? where was that river... oh right. These are going to be called potions, as the cleric had told you before your adventure. They are like spells, just drink the disgusting mixture instead. You pull out the fences, the sand of souls, and those warts you were told to grab. Do not step on the souls, you will sink and seem to walk slower, for they are pulling you in with them. These warts will be for future potions. Good thing you can grow them here. Now, what was the order? Oh right. Better hang up this chart he gave me for all of the possible potions to make. Let’s see.. the base. You place the water bottles into the slots of the stand. Now into the infuser these warts go.. it’s working! Now what? I have my base.. what would I need most right now?

You’re jumping so high you’re like a rabbit! And you don’t even get hurt! Now to fix my garden up. There’s no one here but.. it’s just for myself. And maybe if I can find an animal companion one day. Never thought you’d become a flower picker and potion maker, huh? This is nice... I could live like this for a long time...

—————————————————

Unfortunately.. there is another type of being in this world. The poor souls who are stuck in purgatory and decide that if they are dead, then everything else must die with them. God treats everyone fairly in this world. But sometimes she must punish.

—————————————————

Now, when you are creating your world, you are essentially creating it in God’s view. When you are choosing what you would prefer the world to look like and what seeds to pick for yourself, that is God looking at your souls and seeing what kind of person you were when you were alive. She is creating the world specifically for you. Choosing every individual setting for you. And her way of “punishing” you for being an awful person during your lifetime would be setting the monster level to “hard.” There are complications to this.. like how LDShadowLady is a wonderful person irl (this talk of “awfulness” has nothing to do with her) but she decided to play the One Life series, where it is on hardcore mode. This obviously in now way determines her morality lol. Same with the HermitCraft people! They are all wonderful. But just because they play on harder levels and do some of the things I’m about to explain and talk about, does NOT in ANY WAY determine their morality. They’re just having fun :’) But, all in all, Minecraft is just a game in the end. We are all just passionate. Back to the lore!!

—————————————————

Now the more heated people in purgatory are obviously going to be dangerous to some degree. Slaughtering everything that comes at them in the night. They don’t sleep, barely eat enough to sustain them, and collect every head the slice off, every bit of rotten flesh from the deceased souls and beings... they collect the glass eyes of the angels they fell, and the protective layers (membranes) and skins of the phantoms they slay. They end up taking over the Nether, making their homes there and literally living in hell. Using it as they please.

They have become too powerful.

God sends and obstacle their way. A withered being of sorts.. my goodness. It’s huge! Why does it have three hea- OH MY GOD. It throws a head at you! This thing is obviously dangerous.. use your bow and arrows! Dammit.. I can’t anymore. Guess it’s a sword fight then.

You have felled the giant creature and have absorbed its life force for your own experience. A star..? I’ve heard of these. I can use it to make a beacon...

God is waiting now.

After mining and mining. Digging and digging. Enchanting and enchanting... you’ve found it. The otherworldly portal. Space stares back into your bones and souls while you stare at it. After taking the last of the glass eyes you stole from the angels and mixing them with the power of the Blazes spines...

You

jump

in.

it’s dark.

You hear the roar from above you.

You see the black and purple oblivion around you.

You dig through the yellowish stone, up to the surface.

She flies overhead.

The angels look at you. There must be hundreds. You hear the deafening roar again.

God is here. And she is not happy.

This is The End.

After a long battle, you have killed God. Leave the egg. You do not care to hatch another god right now, for you have claimed yourself as the new one.

—————————————————

I have just described the two spectrums of Minecraft players: “Flower Pickers/ Potion Makers” and “Monster Slayers.” It doesn’t matter how you play the game, for it’s just a game. It’s totally okay to do whatever you want, because the game came from the creator’s imagination. By imagination, for imaginations everywhere.

Unfortunately Tumblr has messed up my text and spaces in some places during this, so I’m sorry if it ruins the intended effect of the writing.

#mineblr #minecraft #lore #minecraft lore #long post

[eldritchsurveys]

862.

1. have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse?: >> I did get soap in my mouth, but not for cursing; for “talking back” or being “fresh”, mostly. I was (understandably...) too afraid to do anything as brash as curse. I don’t think it’s an appropriate disciplinary measure at all, unless your mission is to confuse and frighten your child into obedience... which, apparently, is a lot of parents’ ultimate goal, it seems.

2. what age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore?: >> I really don’t have a solid opinion about this. I tend to skew a little unorthodox on this front, which is probably best left unexplored (fortunately, this is all hypothetical and I’ll never have to address this situation in real life).

3. do you know what the word “polyamorous” means? and did you ever hear that song by breaking benjamin?: >> I know what it means, and I do remember the Breaking Benjamin song.

4. how many bug bites do you currently have?: >> Zero.

5. what’s one word you always have trouble spelling and can’t remember the correct spelling of?: >> I don’t think there’s any word like that. Spelling and phonics is one of my few strong suits.

6. what’s one band that really sucks live?: >> I don’t know, I haven’t seen any that I thought sucked performance-wise (I have seen a few whose music I just didn’t care for, like some opening acts, but that has nothing to do with the quality of their performance).

7. do you go to warped tour? why or why not?: >> I have never been to Warped Tour. I just never got an opportunity to go, or I was never interested, or whatever.

8. do you have any wind chimes outside your house? how many?: >> No. Some neighbours have them, I think.

9. do you know someone who actually had someone give them a bouquet of real roses and one fake one, and tell them they’ll love them until the last one dies?: >> I’ve never even heard of that.

10. which do you like better, firefox or internet explorer?: >> Firefox.

11. who is the most attractive person on your street?: >> ---

12. do you have a flat stomach? would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off?: >> I no longer have a flat stomach, and you wouldn’t catch me dead in a crop top.

13. which do you prefer on yourself, long or short hair?: >> I like how I look with long hair, but I prefer the low maintenance of short hair. So, I buzz my head, and I wear wigs when I feel like it. Best of both worlds.

14. what about on your preferred sex? long or short?: >> ---

15. with eyebrow piercings, do you prefer the ring or the curved barbell?: >> I have no opinion.

16. have you ever pierced something yourself? why and what was it?: >> Yeah, I pierced my ears a few times. I did it because I wanted to? And also because I couldn’t afford to have them professionally done. I also did it when I was 16 because my father wouldn’t let me get a cartilage piercing, so I pierced my own ear at work one day. (My father eventually noticed because I put the most ridiculously obvious jewelry in it... hold on, I’m going to find a photo of what I’m talking about because like... what did I expect to happen)

looked something like that. I straight up deserved to get caught.

17. would you date someone who was five years older than you?: >> I don’t date, but that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if I did.

18. i heard of a girl whose boyfriend cheated on her with a 13yearold (he’s 18) and got her pregnant, so she left him. what would you have done if you were in her situation?: >> I... just can’t imagine being in this situation, sorry.

19. how old was the youngest person you ever found attractive? and how old were you?: >> Oh, I don’t know. Probably not much younger than myself; my tastes always skewed older (oftentimes much older).

20. isn’t it annoying when you’re trying to start conversation with someone and all they say is “yup” or “really now” or something like that?: >> Not necessarily, unless they’re usually much more exuberant and participatory than that. Then I’d wonder if something was wrong (and if it was my fault).

21. if you have aim, do you have any linked screen names? how many?: >> ---

22. which of your favorite bands released a new album last?: >> I’m not sure.

23. are you waiting for any bands to release new albums? which ones?: >> No.

24. what’s your favorite store for buying cds and such at?: >> Back in the day when that was my primary mode of listening to music, my favourite music stores were Virgin Megastore and Tower Records. Ah, nostalgia.

25. what’s the point in buying dvds like “girls gone wild” and other porn if you can get tons more online for free?: >> Well, people generally do watch more porn online nowadays, I think. But the benefit of having a DVD is that... you never have to worry about the video being taken down, and you always have it available (so, even if you don’t have internet connection, etc). It’s the same argument for having paper books or movies/shows on DVD, really.

26. if you had to have one drug (illegal ones, like marijuana and cocaine and all of them) right now, what would it be?: >> Well, marijuana is technically legal here (although I think new recreational dispensary openings in this city have been kinda interrupted by the whole pandemic business, so it’s still a bit hard to access for now). The only drugs I’m even interested in anymore (besides maybe a little low-THC weed, just to see) are psychedelics, and I don’t just want to take them casually, I want a tripsitter or a therapist present. So it’s more complicated than just “getting the drug”.

27. would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)?: >> I would love that. I have had the idea to have a tree-rings tattoo down my left arm like the astronaut character in The Fountain for years.

28. do you have a wireless mouse and/or keyboard?: >> No, my keyboard and mouse are both wired, which is logical. Wouldn’t it suck if I was in the middle of a boss fight in FFXIV and the battery in my keyboard or mouse just fuckin died? Yikes.

29. do you think your biological parents love each other?: >> They did not love each other, from my perspective. I don’t even know if my father is capable of loving anyone, the way he fucking acts.

30. do you have callouses on your feet?: >> No.

31. did you see the commercial for that “foot grater” on tv that basically shaves the callouses off of your feet? isn’t that nasty to think about?: >> That is nasty to think about, and I don’t think it’s even necessary. Anything to make a buck, I guess.

31. what’s your favorite color combination (ex. pink and purple)?: >> I don’t know, I like a lot of colour combinations.

32. ever been to watchmovies.net? what do you think of the quality of the movies there?: >> Yeah. I don’t like sites like that because I can never get good subtitles and also they’re always buffering and shit. I can’t put up with that anymore, I paid my dues back in my literally-broke days.

33. what’s one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet?: >> Everything on my watchlists across the four streaming services I patronise. I just don’t always have movie-watching energy (or time), so it’s slow going to get through all my watchlists.

34. would you rather live alone in a huge mansion or alone in a small studio apartment?: >> Alone in a small studio apartment. Unless the huge mansion had a staff, because I really can’t fucking imagine keeping a mansion clean and maintained otherwise. But... huge mansions often come with a lot of acreage... and no neighbours... that’d be nice.

35. if you came across child porn on your computer, what would you do?: >> How the fuck would that even happen? Let’s not get silly here.

36. what’s the last computer game you played?: >> Final Fantasy XIV.

37. what’s the name of the street you live on?: >> Eh, let’s not.

38. would you ever dye your entire head blonde?: >> No.

39. what’s the randomest thing you ever heard of someone collecting?: >> I don’t know, most things people collect seem random to me.

40. how often do you use “<3” or “:]”?: >> Rarely.

41. isn’t it annoying how people walk around thinking hollister logo tshirts and ripped jeans are preppy, even though those things would never be allowed in a prepatory school because of the dress code?: >> *stares blankly in “I don’t care”*

42. how do you feel about abortion?: >> I am pro-choice.

43. what’s one thing your grandmother does that you can’t stand?: >> ---

44. did you ever notice how it’s more tragic if a younger person dies than an older person, even if they both died of the same cause?: >> It does seem that way to people, but I don’t see it that way myself. Of course I’d rather die when I’m old than, like, right now, but hey. It be like that.

45. when’s the last time you snuck around, and where did you go?: >> I don’t have to sneak around.

46. how often do you wash your hair?: >> Once a week, provided I remember.

47. do you think the price for a movie ticket is too high these days?: >> Not here, it isn’t. In NYC, it was fucking astronomical.

48. have you ever been to a drive-in movie theater?: >> No. I’d like to one day, that seems fun. But only if I have a convertible, lol.

49. what’s your favorite musical?: >> Phantom of the Opera.

50. what do you think of dr. seuss?: >> I’ve never read him (that I can remember) and I don’t care.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[ambitionsource]

AMBITION Season 2 ♫ “Contingency Plan” [ 2.07 ]

CREATED BY Esther (rapunzles) & Maggie (quincywillows) || S2 Tag || Official Page

JUST IN CASE – In preparation for the looming pressure of senior year, Eric meets with each junior for a mandatory check-in. Unwanted attention sheds light on areas of weakness. Contents under pressure can only bend so much before they break.

70 Minutes (20K words) || CONTENT WARNING: suicide attempt (not shown); suicidal ideation; depictions of anxiety. Take care of yourselves and read with discretion.

[ ← Trapped ] [ S2 Synopsis ] [ Got A Lotta Livin’ To Do → ]

( Follow along with the music on Spotify here! )

INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “A Million Dreams” as performed by The Greatest Showman Original Cast || Performed by Eric Matthews (feat. Angela Moore)

From the back, we open on a young student sitting backwards on a chair underneath a gleaming spotlight. As they launch into the opening notes of the number, something about the voice is vaguely familiar albeit a much higher tenor than we’re used to. As the camera eases in a circle around them…

We come to face YOUNG ERIC MATTHEWS (16). He’s fresh-faced, excited, sporting his ridiculously good ‘90s hair and with a layer of baby fat on his cheeks. He’s in the role all of our protagonists are in now, the world he once occupied -- a hopeful performing arts student, dizzyingly proclaiming all of the dreams he’s going to accomplish.

There’s something truly charming about his youthful performance. An unwavering belief in his passion, an electric energy as he dances across the stage that has matured into something deeper as he’s gotten older. Undoubtedly, he’s also good, really good -- just as good as any of the students at AAA despite not attending some fancy academy for the arts.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

When the vocal tenor shifts in the middle of the song, younger Eric spins and the camera goes with him, transforming into ERIC MATTHEWS in present day. He’s still singing the same song, reprising the number on the AAA stage. The junior A class sits scattered in the audience, visible mostly from the back of their heads like how young Eric was first viewed.

A surprise guest joins in, ANGELA MOORE floating onto the stage with gusto. The A class performers react accordingly to this, excitement in their features at their former coach making a grand return. On the line “share your dreams with me,” she smiles and holds her hands to her heart -- MAYA HART emulates the gesture in the audience, obviously so happy she’s back.

Angela and Eric finish out the duet impressively, reminding us that the faculty at AAA certainly hold an understanding of what their students are currently living through. They round out a spin together and fall into a hug as the piano takes the song out, before walking to the front of the stage and clasping their hands together in front of themselves.

HARPER BURGESS jogs onto the stage to join them as the A class applauds, completing the trio and matching their stance.

Harper: Welcome to check-in week.

As they go on to explain, this is the annual week in the midst of each class’ junior year during which they meet with Eric -- and this time, maybe Angela! -- to discuss what their current goals and plans for the future are. Colleges, auditions, the real world is just around the corner, and it’s time for them to start preparing for it.

The response to this impending reality is decidedly mixed. Some seem excited, invigorated, whereas others look reluctant or just plain scared. Off these varied emotions --

Cue title sequence.

INT. AAA - CAFETERIA - DAY

The diva crop of performers are together again, Maya leading the discussion as she, ZAY BABINEAUX, NIGEL CHEY, YINDRA AMINO, and ISADORA DE LA CRUZ eagerly discuss the content of the week. Maya has every detail of her life seemingly planned down to the wire, more than prepared to chase that elusive dream by every single choreographed move.

Yindra and Nigel add in their two cents, the former claiming she wants to jet-set straight to Los Angeles to start trying to break into the music industry. Maya scoffs at this, claiming that’s a pretty risky business venture. Nigel notes that he wants to attend one of the theater schools in New York before jumping the ocean to study / start up some roles in London at the West End. Every great actor gets their start in the West End.

Zay and Isadora are particularly quiet. As Zay listens to his friends verbally shoot for the stars, he contemplates that maybe he’s selling himself too short or approaching his future too modestly. Isadora feels totally lost, way behind on the performer uptake and not even sure what she wants to pursue once they graduate.

Nigel: Well, better to have many talents you can’t choose between than be tethered to one that may or may not pan out.

Maybe so, Nigel. Maybe so. Isadora smiles half-heartedly, averting her gaze as they jump back into daydreaming. She notices FARKLE MINKUS seated a couple tables away by himself, excusing herself softly.

Oddly enough, Farkle is suddenly… looking and acting a lot more like his former self. He’s back in his more polished fashion from season one, despite how it doesn’t fit right anymore with his height gain and weight loss. His hair has been swept back off his forehead into what could be considered a coiff… if you squint.

More than that, what’s so jarring about it is the fervor that seems to have taken him over. He’s spent much of the school year being uncharacteristically listless unless provoked, and now he’s suddenly back to work at a ferocious pace. He’s bent over his laptop and a notebook, meticulously crafting his “future” presentation for Eric.

Isadora raises her eyebrows as she approaches, keeping the table safely between them.

Isadora: Well, didn’t realize future week meant we were throwing back to the past.

Farkle: [ lifting his head, glaring ] What?

Isadora: I’m just… you’re looking…

[ She isn’t sure what to say. Communicating is hard. ]

Isadora: You’ve certainly made a return to form, that’s all.

Farkle: Well, if nothing else is going to change then I don’t see why I should. The assignment for the week reminded me that nothing is more important than our goals -- that’s the only reason we’re at this school in the first place. And I guess something just… came over me.

Isadora: Yes, the ghost of Farkles past.

Farkle, unamused: Are you done wasting my time? And yours. Surely you would be better off spending your energy trying to figure out your paradoxical existence and decide which part of yourself you’re going to cut out to fully devote yourself to a set future at the age of sixteen.

Isadora honestly has no idea what to say. Partially because Farkle is being so waspish, and also because he sort of hit the nail on the head. She backs off without further comment, only glancing back over her shoulder once before marching away.

INT. AAA - CORY’S CLASSROOM - DAY

RILEY MATTHEWS is having lunch with CORY MATTHEWS, wisely avoiding the overwhelming atmosphere of the junior lunch period this week. As the two of them discuss her future potential, Cory is predictably all about one thing -- the dream. To him, Riley unequivocally has what it takes to make it, and she shouldn’t be giving that up for anything.

This is an uplifting take, and it’s nice that Cory believes in her so faithfully. But it’s not necessarily helpful, and doesn’t give Riley much to work with when it comes to outlining her plans in a tangible way for Eric to judge them.

She gives him a smile, turning back to her food as it falters somewhat.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

As Riley heads back into the hall, she accidentally runs into CHARLIE GARDNER. They exchange apologies, Riley attempting to strike up conversation about check-in week. But Charlie isn’t all that talkative, politely claiming he’s running late for a meeting and really needs to go.

Riley watches as he jogs away, finding his behavior a little odd. He’s Charlie, and he’s always been odd, but now Riley is more attuned to it since they’re tentatively rebuilding a friendship.

She lets it drop for now, but the expression on her face makes it clear she isn’t finished with it.

INT. AAA - DANCE STUDIO - DAY

Zay is already warming up when Charlie arrives for their typical practice. Both of them are obviously a bit on edge due to the nature of the week, but at different levels of willing to talk about it. Zay laments how stupid the whole week is, whereas Charlie isn’t ready to give it any thought whatsoever.

Charlie can tell that Zay’s attitude goes deeper than annoyance, however, so he nudges him into talking about it. After a moment, Zay admits that he feels like maybe his approach in being realistic has instead turned pessimistic, and he’s being his own worst enemy.

Zay: My parents are both very logical people, okay? They totally support me and Jada in whatever we want to do -- and of course, we both chose artistic and ridiculous passions --

Charlie: True test of supportive parenting, they should be prepared for it.

Zay: But there was always this logical caveat nested in my brain. Like, I could do it, but it would take planning and perseverance and tons of hard work.

Charlie: And that’s wrong?

Zay: I don’t know. Just listening to everyone else talk about it, they’re all thinking big moves. They’re giving themselves the credit to be able to jump to another city or step up for a major audition on a whim. And I always thought I was as bold as the rest, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m selling myself short before I even go on sale. And I have no idea how to not be that way.

Charlie assures him that thinking logically and realistically isn’t a bad thing. They need a balance of both, he thinks, to actually survive a life in the arts. But if Zay wants to push his own boundaries and think bigger, then he needs to start by reaching as high as he can.

As if to demonstrate the notion of pushing boundaries, Charlie braves taking his hands when he comes to stand in front of him. Despite the fact that they’re at school, and anyone could walk into the dance studio at any moment. Zay glances down at their hands while Charlie asks him to think bigger, to think about what he thinks the highest bar he could reach might be.

They do the exercise back and forth for a bit, Zay saying something in his possible post-graduate trajectory and Charlie instructing him to go even grander. It escalates until it gets truly ridiculous, Charlie laughing as Zay says something like usurping Beyoncé fresh out of AAA and going on a world tour.

Sure, that’ll never happen, but the exercise does what it’s supposed to. It opens them both up, and Zay thanks Charlie sincerely.

He then tries to return the favor and allow Charlie the chance to talk about his future anxieties, but he’s not having it. He slips from his grasp, claiming they should really get to practicing.

Charlie: Can’t usurp Beyoncé if you’re not in top shape.

INT. BLUE’S APARTMENT - DAY

Isadora goes to visit BLUE NGUYEN after school, settling into his apartment. She’s eager to discuss the week’s assignment with someone who knows her well but is a removed neutral party, but it seems as though Blue is distracted. He’s got stuff going on with his new job -- since he can’t afford to go to college yet on his own -- and although he still attempts to be an avid listener Isadora can tell his mind is elsewhere.

She changes tracks instead, asking him what he’s working on. He seems grateful for the chance to talk about it, Isadora nodding along with a tight smile.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY

Riley isn’t getting much work done on her own future outline, distracted by Topanga’s incoming visit for family dinner. She’s fixated on picking the perfect outfit and trying to seem put together, obsessively fixing her new short hair in the mirror.

Maya is on a completely different page, erecting a whole moodboard for her meeting. It’s like a flashy, diva science fair board, and she’s lovingly adding pieces and tweaking them to perfection. She questions why Riley is so panicked over the meal while adding a photo of Britney Spears to the collage, right next to Valerie De La Cruz under “career inspirations.”

Riley: You’ve never had dinner with my family, okay? Especially not recently.

Maya: Really hyping this up for me, honey.

Riley: Besides I… I don’t know. I just have this… there’s this feeling…

She can’t articulate it, but she trusts her gut. She knows the other shoe has to drop eventually, although she’s not sure in what regard or what that might mean for them. How the hell is she supposed to focus on the future when her present is such a disaster?

INT. BABINEAUX HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Zay is leaning against the kitchen counter, lamenting his future troubles to DONNA BABINEAUX as she bustles around making dinner. She essentially echoes exactly what Charlie told him, albeit with her own touch.

Donna: Look, you work hard. You work twice as hard as the rest of the divas in that class to earn half the respect, and you’ve got the accolades to prove that you’re some of the best they’ve got. So to hell with reservations, you should not be concerned about reaching too high. Worry about the fall when you get there.

Convincing argument. Zay contemplates, nodding and gearing up to rearrange some things in his presentation for Eric.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - NIGHT

The full clan is assembled along with Maya, TOPANGA LAWRENCE avidly holding conversation with AUGGIE MATTHEWS. Cory mostly remains quiet as usual, smiling where appropriate and speaking when invited by others. Riley is quiet as well, unusually nervous.

Topanga lights up with a thought, remembering that there was something she wanted to let them all know. She happily declares that she’s decided where she wants to relocate permanently -- upstate! Out of the city, where her practice can really thrive and she can maybe expand.

But also hours away rather than minutes by train. This is a bombshell revelation, and Riley barely gets the chance to react to it before Topanga is already changing the subject again. She pulls Maya into conversation, wanting to know more about her and hear all about her time at AAA as compared to Riley’s.

Maya glances at Riley before taking up the conversational slack. Riley looks to Cory, wide-eyed, but he doesn’t have any optimism to offer. As this heavy reality settles over this dinner…

INT. GARDNER HOME - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The more distant future is up for discussion at the Gardner table. ELEANOR GARDNER and AMBROSE GARDNER are curious to hear what this “check-in week” entails at AAA, and excitedly wonder what Charlie has thought about in regards to his future. ROSAMUND GARDNER and DAISY GARDNER listen plaintively, grateful it’s not them in the hot seat.

This is an uncomfortable topic, because Charlie doesn’t feel like he has any grasp on a future for himself. He barely knows who he is right now, he can’t fathom the future. He tries to give them something to chew on anyway, admitting that he loves dance a lot, but isn’t sure what he wants to do with that.

Rosie: Why are you at dance school then?

Charlie glares at her, kicking at her under the table. She sneers back, waiting until both parents aren’t looking to stick her tongue out at him. Eleanor jumps back into the brainstorming session Charlie never asked for, eagerly suggesting that he consider theology school if he isn’t sure what else he wants to do.

Eleanor: They have a great institution, Aggie loved it. They even have a performing arts major, which would be fun and still aligned with your interests.

Daisy, under her breath: Bridal college...

Ambrose laughs lightly, playing off of Daisy’s comment.

Ambrose: There you go, Charlie. Daisy’s onto something. You could get yourself a future and a wife, nice two-for-one.

Charlie: Oh, perfect. All figured out then. Ha ha.

Charlie’s words do not match his expression. He looks like he’s going to be sick, stabbing at his peas and forcing himself to swallow a forkful.

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Before Charlie’s fork can hit the plate again, Maya’s moodboard hits the surface of Eric’s desk. She launches into professional and compelling presentation mode, giving a thorough, impassioned, and somewhat overwhelming explanation of how she’s outlined the next fifteen years of her career.

It all starts with arts college, of course, to which she’s selected a list of five in preference order that she will be applying to come next fall. From there, she has about four branching plans for each school that accounts for even the smallest details, creating an elaborate future tree that all eventually leads to the inevitable -- her name in lights, doing what she was born to do.

In the midst of Maya’s monologue, a classic AMBITION montage throws other juniors into the chair across from Eric to discuss their futures. Nigel makes commentary about how he just wants to act, but he figures going to AAA has given him plenty of practice for dealing with the drama of the industry. Yindra explains that she wants to head straight to Los Angeles, maybe major in music production but predominantly focus on building connections.

Yindra: Rumor has it you have a younger brother in the music industry. Want to share contact info, Mister E?

LUCAS FRIAR takes the chair across from Eric, and from the (: expression on his face we can tell that he’s not going to be making this easy for the well-meaning counselor. He essentially answers all of his questions with non-answers, spinning the question or throwing it back in his direction.

Eric: Come on, Lucas. It doesn’t have to be difficult. What exactly have you been thinking for your future?

Lucas: What have you been thinking for your future, Mister Matthews?

Eric: I’m sorry?

Lucas: You know, social security is running out. I’m doomed for retirement, but you still have a chance and should consider your options.

Eric: I don’t --

Lucas: In fact, you could be contemplating retirement right now.

Eric: How old do you think I am?

Lucas: You know what, you’ve got a lot to think about. Let me just get out of your hair. Best of luck with this next phase in your life, sir. Save a little social security for the rest of us provided climate change doesn’t kill us first!

Lucas slides out of the seat, propelling himself through the doors before Eric can even register what just happened. He rubs his face, totally confused.

A couple other A class students follow after.

Darby: I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this thing, you know? Sarah is always telling me I’m just a follower, but the world needs followers too, doesn’t it? Who would become social media influencers if there was no one to influence?

Eric: It’s okay if you don’t want to pursue the arts.

Darby: I mean, but what am I going to do instead? Follow in the footsteps of my mom? I won’t survive veterinary school, Mister E. And you can only cure lung cancer once!

[ Haley takes the seat next. ]

Haley: All I know is I want to stay in New York.

Eric: Why’s that?

Haley: Well, Clarissa is staying here because she wants to go to Juilliard to study music. I think she wants to be an orchestra or general music teacher, which would be so good for her. She’s like, sweet and patient but also sassy, and kids will like that. But I don’t wanna go too far, because we’re best friends and we’ve never been that far apart.

Eric: Uh huh…

Haley: Also, I guess if I want to try and be an actress and stuff, this is the place to be.

Eric: Do you want to try and be an actress?

Haley: Yes. I mean… not particularly. Maybe? It just feels like I’ve been following the path for so long it would be a major disappointment to have gotten this far and end up not following it through. It kind of... [ a beat ] It kind of feels like my whole crush on Charlie thing. It’s like, if it doesn’t end with us eventually riding off into the sunset together, then what was the whole point? [ a beat, then panicked ] Oh, God. Do you think I’ve been running on false hope this entire time?

Eric: Well, I wouldn’t say that --

Haley: You’re right! You’re right, haha, I’m just jumping to the worst case scenario. I’m going to stick with my flower shop with Clarissa plan and wait for Charlie to finally come around and come buy flowers for me and it will all work out. Thanks, Mister Eric.

Eric: … you’re welcome.

What a mess. But that’s every check-in week. It’s somewhat of a relief when Zay Babineaux walks through the door next, Eric greeting him cheerfully at the prospect of actually having a calm, rational conversation with someone.

Although a little nervous, Zay does a good job of laying out his new plans to Eric. The counselor listens eagerly, nodding along and seemingly impressed with some of the bolder ideas he has for paths to pursue post-graduation. When he finishes with an exhale, Eric applauds his creativity and ambition. Of course, he supports him considering he knows how hardworking and talented he is, and it’s obvious that his heart and soul went into thinking about this.

But on the other hand… Eric is obligated to point out the lack of back-up planning. Zay clearly has a lot of drive and ambition, which is excellent, but in throwing his reservations out the window to redo his plans he might’ve thrown them too far. What if he discovers he doesn’t want to pursue the arts after all? What if those high-reaching conservatories he applied to don’t accept him?

Fair points, but a difficult conversation to have with someone already feeling overlooked and stuck. The commentary hits a nerve and Zay grows defensive, arguing that Eric didn’t have all this criticism to give Maya. In Maya’s defense, she had fourteen thousand alternate routes mapped out, but that’s not what is really bothering Zay.

And so, for the first time, Zay has his diva meltdown. As he goes on to say, this is just more of the same that he’s endured since the moment he showed up at AAA. They’ve chosen their favorites and who they plan to back, and that’s clearly never going to change. He’s never going to be good enough for them.

Eric frantically tries to assure him that isn’t the case, but Zay is already marching out of the office. Yet another victim of the pressure of check-in week. As the grungy bass beat floats in...

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Consideration” as performed by Rihanna & SZA || Performed by Zay Babineaux

It’s been a while since we got some classic R&B funk from Zay Babineaux, and the frustration that is finally bubbling over the surface is the perfect catalyst to bring it. Zay does Rihanna proud as he saunters through the halls, angrily spitting out the tune. He does some light freestyling as he goes, expertly dancing around other students as they pay him no attention walking to their next class.

Still overlooked. Will you ever respect me? No…

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Charlie is on stage between run throughs, conversing with Haley and CLARISSA CRUZ. After some offhand conversation about how stressful the week is, during which Charlie is notably quiet, the girls claim they have to get changed before lunch. Each of them give him a quick hug.

While embracing Haley, Charlie seems to realize something. He’s hugging Haley -- and Clarissa -- because they’re friends. And no one is thinking anything of it. They bid him farewell, heading down the hall.

Charlie contemplates the matter as he finishes gathering his things. No one is watching his every move, calculating every single thing he does and trying to pick apart his motives. If that can be true for his friendship with them…

Well, perhaps that’s not entirely true. Riley enters the wings and stops as the girls are finishing up their hugs with him, observing curiously. It bothers her that he seems so completely comfortable with them and yet continues to act so weird with her. She chews her lip, frowning.

INT. AAA - CAFETERIA - DAY

By the time she’s made it to lunch with Maya and Isadora, Riley has made realizations of her own. In her mind, there is obviously something deeper to the whole weirdness between her and Charlie that she’s not in on. There’s a greater conspiracy at play, and she’s going to get to the bottom of it.

Isadora: Riley, you know I love a good mystery. But this… is crazy.

Maya: Yeah, what do you think you’re going to “uncover?” This is Charlie Gardner we’re talking about.

Isadora: I repeat. You’re being crazy.

Maya: The most shocking thing you’re going to end up finding out is that all his GAP fare is actually from Banana Republic.

Riley is adamant, though, and a little miffed that they’re not supporting her. Maya points out another truth to the situation.

Maya: Do you think maybe you’re… deflecting a bit? With everything that’s happening with your parents --

Isadora: What? What happened now?

Riley: No, no, that has nothing to do with this. This is a long game, okay? Charlie has been weird with me since the day I showed up at Triple A, you can’t deny that.

Maya shrugs, already losing interest. Riley goes on to highlight how uneven his relationship has been solely with her, and she feels she deserves answers. She’s fixed and figured out problems before, and she’s going to get to the bottom of this one.

Isadora and Maya exchange a look, opting to leave Riley be. She’s happier when she has a project anyway, and happiness is in short supply these days.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

The techies are assembled in the back section, idly discussing the progression of check-in week. JADE BEAMON asks Nate how his meeting went, and he scoffs.

Nate: Easy. I could feed Mister E anything and he would’ve approved it. We all know they only really care about their superstar performers and their fast tracks to fame.

Doesn’t look like any of them are going to disagree. ASHER GARCIA mutters about not wanting to step into Eric’s office ever again, since every time they end up in there it leads to eventual disaster. DYLAN ORLANDO asks DAVE WILLIAMS if he’s thought about what he’s going to say in his meeting.

Dylan: Do you know what you want to do once you blow this popsicle stand?

Dave: There are popsicles here? Why am I only learning this now?!

Nate clarifies, meaning what does he want to do with his future. Dave pauses, thinking.

Dave: Might be nice to help combat the impending danger of climate change and issues with renewable resources by studying environmental sciences or maybe aeronautical space engineering in pursuit of space materials that could be used as new energy sources.

Jade: … oh?

Dave: Yeah. Ooh, or a rodeo clown!

The rest of them exchange content looks. There it is. Lucas arrives just as they’re moving past the nice moment, Nate turning the question on him and asking how his check-in went. Lucas scoffs, putting out an air of smugness as he claims he totally blew it off. Eric probably doesn’t even know what hit him after their meeting.

Whereas this sort of behavior from Lucas is usually brushed off, the pressure of the week (and well, the whole year) has worn patience thin. So rather than just rolling her eyes, Jade actually questions whether or not Lucas doing such a thing was a wise decision. Or a polite one, at that.

Lucas: Do you really care what the hell I do in my meeting with counselor Eric?

Jade: No, I’m only saying is being rude to someone who’s just trying to help guide you really something to be proud of?

Oh. There’s a tension to the techie brigade that hasn’t ever really been there before. Dylan clears his throat and tries to alleviate it, saying diplomatically that he doubts it’s a big deal. But Lucas isn’t used to his fellow techies stepping to him, least of all Jade, so he can’t let it go.

Lucas: Do you have a problem with me, Jade? Because if you are, you can just say it to my face.

Jade, defensively: I mean, I am, but to be fair you’re not really listening to anybody right now.

Nate whistles, grimacing. The conversation quickly escalates, Lucas trying to defend himself in a group that’s supposed to be non-confrontational while Jade -- and eventually, JEFF MONROE -- step up and argue against how bad his behavior has been this year. To be frank, it’s obnoxious, and more than that they’re concerned. They’re his friends, and he hasn’t been treating anybody much like friends as of late.

The frustration is valid and the intentions are good, but Lucas isn’t ready to be criticized. He deflects, feeling cornered and essentially hissing by telling them to back off before storming out.

Dylan and Asher immediately leap up to go after him, the former disappearing quickly but the latter not making it out before they come for him, too. Jeff points out that they’re not really helping with Lucas’s attitude when they back him up all the time.

Asher: Well, what am I supposed to do? Nothing?

Jade: No, but do you think you’re making anything better by just enabling his shitty behavior? I know you don’t -- you’ve told me you don’t. If you’re really his best friends, you could be doing more to combat it and make him… I don’t know, check himself.

Asher blinks, absorbing the blow from his other best friend. Knowing that she’s right, hating the fact that she is. Then he huffs, following the same pattern as Lucas.

Asher, sharply: Let me handle my own problems, alright?

Asher whips around, jogging after Lucas and Dylan. Jade shakes her head, exchanging an exasperated look with Jeff. Dave reaches forward and pats her on the shoulder.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Riley meets with Charlie at his locker, cheerfully greeting him and suggesting that the two of them partner together for their English assignment. Crazy, to still have other homework in the midst of all this chaos, but oh yeah, they’re also high school students. Charlie agrees, liking the prospect of working with Riley again even if he’s super stressed about everything else.

She accepts his agreement as commitment, happily telling him she’ll text him with ideas before flouncing off. She’s being a bit too peppy, even for Riley, but before Charlie can think on it too much he’s delivered an entirely new distraction.

Zay is marching down the hall, in a clearly worse mood than he normally lets show at school. Charlie frowns, jumping out to catch him from passing him by and pulling him back towards the lockers. He tries to get him to talk to him, asking what’s going on.

Zay recaps the gist of the meeting with Eric, getting worked up all over again. It’s obvious how deeply this hurt runs, regardless of how well he’s buried it down over the last three years. Charlie attempts to talk him down but he’s beyond that at the moment, totally emotionally overrun. So Charlie braves a different approach entirely, taking his shoulders and pulling him into a hug.

A hug. In the middle of the hallway. Where anybody can see. Zay tenses up at first, glancing around them with trained hesitation.

Zay: Charlie, man --

Charlie: It’s okay. [ a beat, softer ] It’s okay.

It’s okay, because he decided it’s okay. Charlie said it’s okay, and so it is. Zay hesitates for a moment longer before sinking into the embrace, actually gleaning comfort from it. Charlie closes his eyes, Zay tucking his head into his shoulder.

The rest of the school passes them by, not even giving them a second glance.

INT. AAA - BLACK BOX THEATER - DAY

Angela is in the black box conversing with Harper, the two of them carrying on a rather pleasant conversation. When Angela asks about how she’s faring working with her admittedly stubborn boyfriend, Harper is spared from having to comment when Maya shows up early to class. She exchanges an enthusiastic hug with Angela, the latter commending her on her extensive and impressive future itinerary. Not that she had any doubts Maya would come correct.

When Angela shifts gears and quietly asks Maya about how she’s handling Katy’s relocation, she deflects and claims with diva levels of confidence that she’s fine. Unideal, but she’s trucking on regardless. Nothing to worry about here.

Other A class members begin to filter in, including Zay and Charlie. Zay catches the soft, fond exchange between Maya and Angela, another subtle reminder of the favoritism that has always existed in their class.

As Maya settles into her seat, she looks around before tapping Riley’s shoulder.

Maya: Where’s Izzy?

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Isadora is skipping performers lecture, wandering into the auditorium to try and catch the techies. If she’s having trouble finding an anchor elsewhere, then maybe a return to form is exactly what she needs.

She only finds four of them, Lucas, Dylan, and Asher still MIA. They’re hanging around on the stage, mood deflated and unusually quiet after their earlier conversation. Jade is focused on fixing a costume piece, but her hands are trembling as she works with the needle and thread.

Isadora’s arrival is a surprise to all of them, and she completely misreads the tone of the room. She makes a joke about how uncharacteristically grim they all are and it doesn’t go over well. Nate makes a backhanded comment about how she loves to just float back around to say hi whenever it’s convenient for her, and Jeff subtly seconds the notion by asking Isadora what she’s even doing there when she should be in class.

Isadora: Oh, so what, suddenly we’re all saints who never skip class? Didn’t realize how much could change in such a short amount of time.

Nate: Yeah. No kidding.

Isadora: … okay, what the hell is up with you guys?

Keeping it short and sweet, essentially, Lucas sucks. Isadora is like okay, tell me something I don’t know, but that doesn’t settle well with Jade.

Jade: Actually, Isa, you don’t know. Because you haven’t been here spending all year with him. You dropped him when you dropped the rest of us and haven’t had to deal with it since.

Whew, Jade is on fire today. Isadora blinks, wondering if all of them are seriously upset with her. She argues against dropping them, struggling to find a defense and stating once again that she didn’t completely drop tech.

Jeff: Okay. Sure.

Isadora: I didn’t. I told you guys, I’m doing both --

Jade: Are you? Really? Because I haven’t talked to you in like, months. You didn’t contribute any tech work to the last four weeks of performances, and we built all of the materials for Into the Woods on our own, including after someone destroyed it the first time around.

Isadora: Well, if you want to get pissed about that --

Jeff: You haven’t sat with us for lunch since the end of last year. You don’t participate in the group chat.

Nate: Which is dead anyway, considering everyone is in such a pissy mood with Lucas being a fucking demon since you totally dumped him for the spotlight.

Isadora snaps, growing defensive. She states she’s not going to take responsibility for Lucas’s horrible attitude, but she admittedly has trouble taking responsibility for her own faults too. Turns out pride runs just as deep in the techie brigade as it does in the performers, at least when they’re fracturing apart and no longer a united front.

Isadora: I tried to tell you all, I’m doing both --

Jade, harshly: No, you’re not, Isa! You’re not doing both! You dropped your tech responsibilities and you know it. [ choked up ] And you dropped our friendship too.

Isadora shakes her head, but no words come out to argue against her. Jade’s eyes are glossy, and she chews on her cheek to keep it together. Nate delivers the final blow, crossing his arms and scoffing.

Nate: Like mother, like daughter.

That’s one step too far. Isadora’s hurt flares to anger in an instant. She marches forward and steps up onto the acting block in front of Nate, putting her at the perfect height to land a resounding slap across his face.

There’s a second of silence, and then all hell breaks loose. Isadora seems to only recognize what she’s done as the heat of the moment passes, her emotion shifting to blank horror on her face. Jade jumps up to pull Nate away from her, attempting to make sure he’s okay until he shrugs out of her grasp in embarrassment.

In spite of everything that’s been said, it’s Dave -- normally cheery, oblivious Dave -- who ends the confrontation. He glares at Isadora over his shoulder as he jogs over to catch up with Nate.

Dave: What the hell are you still doing here?

The four of them storm out in a flurry, leaving Isadora standing alone on the acting block. The doors slam, and then she’s surrounded by the imposing silence of the auditorium. Alone on the stage, an island of isolation that she’s somehow created all by herself. No way to escape it.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Waving Through A Window” as performed by Dear Evan Hansen Original Broadway Cast || Performed by Isadora De La Cruz

Isadora starts the ode to feeling alone from her spot on the acting block, tiny against the vast setting of the empty auditorium. She spends the first verse trapped on it, seemingly struggling with how to dismount from the position she’s found herself in. Her Converse -- the same black ones that Lucas said were her favorite -- toe the line from stumbling off the edge, but she can’t bring herself to step off in any direction.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

As the number progresses, Isadora makes her way dazedly through the halls as classes are in session all around her. She’s on the outside looking in of every classroom, every social setting, separated by windows from her classmates.

She starts to pick up her pace as the bridge swells, ending up running down the hallway. Quiet settles for just a moment…

EXT. AAA - LUNCH COURTYARD - DAY

Until it explodes into the final third of the performance, Isadora giving the impassioned solo her all. A light snow is falling, sprinkling the scenery in frost. She’s spinning and dancing on the constraints of what used to be her and Lucas’s usual table, close ups of her Converse depicting that same risk of slipping right off the edge multiple times only to step back to safety at the last moment.

This time, the conceit of being on the outside looking in has been inverted. All around the windows looking into the courtyard, Isadora’s classmates and other AAA students glare at her through the glass as they fill in the background vocals. She can’t communicate with any of them, she can’t connect -- she’s simply on display, able to be ridiculed or criticized without any sense of how to get back to join them.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

As the song comes to an end, Isadora is back on the acting block. Out of breath, obviously emotional, staring down at the ground from where she stands only a couple of feet above it.

Still, she can’t bring herself to move, frozen with uncertainty.

INT. MINKUS HOME - NIGHT

Farkle is still working on his presentation, spread out on the dining room table. He’s working obsessively, unable to keep still as he researches details for his career trajectory and adds them to his poster board. Even while he’s thinking he’s moving, fingers tapping against his arms or shifting from foot to foot.

Either way, it’s an abrupt shift from how lethargic he’s been, which seems like a relief to JENNIFER MINKUS. She asks him how it’s going as she comes out for a quick snack before heading to bed, suggesting he not stay up too late. He waves off the concern, but his investment in the project is loud and clear.

Farkle: Everything else going on right now doesn’t matter. I’ve been stuck on -- and it’s all -- it’s meaningless. What matters is this. The dream. [ ripping something off the board without hesitation ] If I get this right, then everything else won’t matter.

A bit single-minded, but passionate. Passion is a good thing, so this is an improvement if anything. Jennifer gives him a quick kiss on the cheek that he lightly shrugs away from before she heads off, leaving him alone again.

Despite how much progress he’s making, the longer we stay with him the more obvious it is that he’s struggling. He has energy, that’s for sure, but it’s all over the place. He can hardly focus, restless and growing frustrated over nothing in particular.

He takes a second and covers his face, sliding his hands up and tugging at his hair as he exhales. Glancing forward, the spark of an idea glimmers in his eyes.

INT. MINKUS HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Rattles and bumps accompany a handful of pill bottles hitting the countertop. Farkle is digging through the family pill cabinet, searching for something in particular.

Finally, he finds it. A bottle specifically for ADHD, prescribed to Uri Minkus. He opens it and pops a couple of them, tossing everything back into the cabinet haphazardly.

Just has to get through the week. Just the week…

INT. LUCAS’S APARTMENT - LUCAS’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lucas is using his brick of a laptop again, room otherwise dark as he works. He’s got a few pamphlets on the bed next to him, and his browser has a dozen or so tabs open with different college sites.

He’s trying to actually take the future seriously, but it’s too much. His focus goes to key words on each page like “prestigious,” “well-rounded,” and “tuition.” The expectations and prices always feel far too high, making him frustrated.

Other words jump out to him too, none more intimidating than “passion.” College is for people who have ambition -- who have potential -- and Lucas knows he has neither.

But he knows this isn’t just going to go away. He switches back to his school email tab, a message open from Eric on screen. It mentions how poorly their first meeting went and requests that Lucas come in for another meeting as soon as possible so they can have a more constructive discussion.

Lucas scowls, slamming the computer shut. He pushes it off the bed along with the pamphlets, falling back onto his mattress. He yanks his blanket towards him and curls up towards the wall, hiding from it all.

Riley, pre-lap: You really don’t think we can do any better than that?

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Riley is picking away at her assignment as well, but she’s on the phone with Charlie as she works. They’re discussing their English assignment, and from the sound of it they’re not giving it very much effort considering everything else going on. Charlie suggests they keep it simple, but Riley makes a point of still insisting that they meet up after school sometime to work on it.

Charlie: Is it really that important to you?

Riley: … I just like to work face-to-face, that’s all. You know, collaborative communication.

Maya rolls her eyes from her spot on her bed. The conversation is interrupted when Cory raises his voice from the living room, making both girls  jump. Topanga matches his volume a second later, Maya sitting up and locking eyes with Riley.

Riley: I… gotta go.

Riley hangs up without further explanation. Before she can say anything Auggie arrives at her door, looking wide-eyed and concerned as to what is going on out there. He asks Riley what’s happening, and she quickly pulls him into the room out of trouble before rushing out to investigate herself.

Awkwardly, this leaves Maya with Auggie. She glances at him and gives him a tight smile, nodding a ‘sup at a loss of what to offer otherwise.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Riley leans around the doorway to the living room as Topanga and Cory escalate in their argument, obviously both impassioned over it. She can’t even find a time to jump in and try to break it up -- she doesn’t know where to begin.

It doesn’t take long to figure out the problem, however.

Cory: You can’t take them from me. You’ve already taken everything else. You can’t just decide you want to hit the reset button on your life and then take my son with you!

Topanga: Don’t be dramatic, Cory. I’ve told you exactly why but you’re refusing to listen -- the schools are far better upstate, and he’d have a far more stable lifestyle in a neighborhood that’s not the middle of Manhattan.

Cory: [ with a derisive laugh ] Stable? You’re talking about stable?

Topanga: Cory --

Cory: You’re the one who disrupted all of our lives in the first place! So don’t talk to me about stable, Topanga!

So that’s it, then. Topanga isn’t just removing herself from the equation of the Matthews family -- she intends to take Auggie with her. Riley is stunned, stepping into the room but not sure what to even say.

Topanga is done with the discussion anyway. She criticizes Cory’s theatrics again, pulling back on her coat and heading towards the door. She stops once she’s opened it, saying her last piece.

Topanga: I hope this won’t become a big thing. I am the litigator, remember. I think we know who would win a case.

This hits Cory hard. There’s silence in the room after she closes the door behind her, Riley watching her seemingly frozen father warily.

Riley: … dad?

And then it’s over. Cory collapses into a full break down, all of the emotion over the separation that he’s been trying to compartmentalize for the sake of everyone crashing down on him. Riley jogs over to help him and guides him towards the couch, doing her best to comfort him.

But it’s clear Riley doesn’t know how to deal with this development either. Her expression is blank as she hugs her father, totally forgetting about everything else piling up on her plate.

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Isadora is in the seat across from Eric, finishing up her discussion about the future. Although she does an excellent job of maintaining a poker face, the conversation between the two of them seems to reflect everything else she’s feeling conflicted about -- where she ends up depends on what she wants to do, and what she wants to do depends on who she is, and how does she begin to figure out who she is when she feels like she’s being pulled in a hundred different directions?

There’s a lot she could choose to dissect about the situation, but Isadora chooses to seek help for none of it. She merely nods along to Eric’s tentative guidance about her choice in schools, but she makes an escape when he tries to get her to talk about what else might be going on. The aloof mask might be fooling others, but it doesn’t fool him.

Today seems to be a particularly difficult day for meetings. SARAH CARLSON acts nonchalant in her one-on-one before bursting into tears, surprising Eric and causing him to cautiously pass the tissue box across the desk. Jade is already on thin ice emotionally and basically refuses to talk at all, speaking only about her future college programs for costuming. Her voice warbles even in discussing that, and Eric is sure if he asks her anything else there will be waterworks.

Dylan is a mess all his own, but more for Eric than himself. All things considered, Dylan is actually quite well-adjusted and happy with his plan for the future -- which is to say, he hardly has a plan at all.

Dylan: I might go to college, but also I don’t know. Seems like a lot of money, especially when I don’t really wanna do anything, you know?

Eric: … what are you hoping to do in the future, then?

Dylan, excitedly: Well, the main thing is to be a good partner, father, and homemaker. My dad had to do that all on his own when my mom died, you know, so he instilled the importance in me from an early age. Then I guess if I have time, I’ll keep making my videos. You’ve seen my vlogs, right? [ with a shrug ] As long as that keeps being fun, I figure I can do that along with being Asher’s number one fan.

Eric: … and you don’t… Dylan, I’m just wondering if… [ quickly ] you’re banking your entire future on Asher, and you don’t think maybe that’s a bit short-sighted?

Dylan: Actually, I’m near-sighted. But I wear contacts.

Eric looks as though he’s going to start crying.

He’s still carrying that exhaustion when Farkle gets in the hot seat, expressing far more “vision” than Dylan. He bullets through his presentation, speaking with confidence but also as if he’s out of breath. He’ll start sentences and then stop them or backtrack to start a different thought, nervously pulling at his hair when he gets distracted.

Once he’s finished, Eric offers him a bright smile. It’s a great plan, lots of ambition and forward-thinking, and he loves to see that. Farkle also clearly put a lot of heart into it, and Eric commends that. The future certainly isn’t worth investing in if there’s no heart.

However… he has to point out the fact that he lacks alternative options. He’s set himself up to have one path, and it’s clear that Eric is concerned about what happens if that path doesn’t work out exactly as planned.

Farkle, blankly: … what?

Eric: Again, I’m not saying that this isn’t an excellent plan. It just lacks periphery, that’s all. You want a contingency plan -- your options that you’ll consider if this one-way ticket doesn’t go as planned.

Farkle: I don’t -- this is the plan. This. There’s nothing else if -- I put a lot of hard work into this.

Eric: I know that, and I’m not saying this won’t work. I’m only suggesting that --

Farkle: I put everything into this. Everything. It’s going to -- you can’t tell me that it -- this is my future!

Eric can tell he’s not taking the conversation well. He attempts to placate, speaking delicately and stating that he’s proud that Farkle has such a sense of belief in what he was meant to do. Many people don’t have that drive, and that’s amazing. But it’s only wise to consider a contingency plan in the off chance that the dream… remains a dream.

Farkle seems as though he might actually have another diva meltdown, it’s written all over his face -- when suddenly he goes completely calm. He thanks Eric for his guidance shortly, gathering his things in a flurry. Eric encourages him to sit back down so they can discuss those options, but he claims he’s heard everything he needs to hear.

Farkle: My future is clear to me now, Mister Matthews. Thank you for your time.

He delivers the sentiment with disarmingly cool confidence. Then he spins on his heel and exits without another word. Eric looks like he’s going to go after him, but a phone call pulls him back to his desk. He assures the teacher on the other line that he’ll be right there, obviously having to go put out another fire.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Farkle walks at a swift pace away from the counselor’s office, but he doesn’t seem to have a set direction. Whereas his facade held up in front of Eric it’s starting to splinter now, his body trembling and breathing shallow. He dumps his presentation materials in the trash without looking, clearly desperate to be rid of them.

Haley: Don’t throw another tantrum.

Haley is just the first voice to address him, Farkle glancing over his shoulder as she passes him. But the glimpse of her is blurry, like it’s just out of the corner of his eye.

Charlie: Guess this isn’t turning out like you thought, huh?

Yindra: Only got yourself to blame that you’re unstable.

Harper: You’re nothing new.

Farkle flinches with every word thrown in his direction. He spins to try and catch them digging at him but whenever he turns to look they’re long gone, evading his anxious glare.

He walks faster, more sentiments from his classmates that have echoed in his head for three years following him through the hall.

Maya: Coward.

Farkle whips around as he slams right into someone -- Maya herself. She tosses him a sneer and tells him to watch where he’s going, only her expression shifts when she gets a better look at him. She hesitates, venturing another word.

Maya: Farkle… are you okay?

Farkle: I -- I’m --

He stares at her, as if just realizing she’s actually there. Then he pushes past her without further comment, jogging towards the auditorium. Maya spins to watch him take off, debating whether or not she should go after him.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

The accusations and voices are growing louder, what feels like the entire A class waiting for him in the auditorium as he stumbles in through the wings.

Lucas: Go on, keep spiraling for attention.

Isadora: As if he has a shred of decorum not to.

Clarissa: Hasn’t he had enough drama for a lifetime?

The word “enough” seems to echo particularly strong, leaving a ringing in Farkle’s ears. The jeers continue from all around him, spinning him into a frenzy.

Lila: God, you are such a disease.

Eric: Did you really think that this was going to work out? After --

Riley: Everything you’ve done?

Farkle, breathless: No… no, you forgave me.

Riley: And you think that makes a difference? You think that’s enough?

Farkle screws his eyes shut, turning away from her. He covers his ears but it doesn’t do any good, only accenting the blood pounding in his ears.

Harper: That horrible attitude of yours isn’t --

Farkle: Enough --

Stuart: And when are you going to start thinking seriously about --

Eric: Your future?

Lila: If you’re going just going to waste your existence --

Riley: Running your mouth --

Maya: Consumed with inferiority --

Angela: Do you remember what I told you, Farkle?

Jennifer: I’m sure your friends are --

Maya: Done.

Farkle: Enough --

Asher / Dylan: You don’t even know who you are!

Lucas: Should’ve known this is exactly how things would go.

Stuart: A fad.

Angela: Otherwise it’s just --

Eric: Lacks periphery --

Isadora: Fucking isolated --

Maya: Monster --

Zay: Is it finally --

Farkle: ENOUGH!

His fraught exclamation clears the chaos until there’s nothing but silence, resounding and somehow more imposing than the constant sound. Because it leaves him alone -- and he’s so tired of being alone.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Santa Fe” as performed by Newsies Original Broadway Cast || Performed by Farkle Minkus (starting at 00:22)

Farkle stands center stage, trembling, staring out into the empty house. Standing in the place he’s always felt destined to occupy, only now it doesn’t feel like he belongs there anymore. It’s a dream, nothing more, and he’s a nothing never meant to get it right.

It’s this cold realization that provokes the rawest and most spectacular performance from Farkle Minkus. As he barrels through the desperate plea to escape, it's as though we’re watching him go through the five stages of grief towards the dream that he let totally consume him for as long as he can remember.

And what it leaves behind is a broken shell -- without the dream, he decides, he’s nothing. Empty. “Trapped where there ain’t no future, even at sixteen.”

By the time he makes it to the last few lines and the volume drops to a soft piano, Farkle is back at center stage, right under the spotlight. His eyes are shining in the lights, seeming more fragile and smaller than he’s ever seemed before. As he riles himself back into the final emotional crescendo, he drops to his knees and expels everything he has left in him into those final notes.

Then he collapses in on himself, a huddled form isolated under the spotlight and otherwise surrounded by darkness. The song ends, sending us back into the quiet of the auditorium.

The only sound is Farkle’s muffled sobs, shoulders shaking as the screen smashes to black.

INT. GARDNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Charlie is still working on his assignment, drawing a blank as his notebook page is completely empty. How is he supposed to paint a picture of his future when he can barely paint an accurate picture of the present?

He straightens up when his father enters the room, exchanging a comfortable back and forth with him as he settles into the armchair a few feet away and opens the newspaper to read. Charlie hesitates, chewing on the end of his pen before he braves the question of asking Ambrose for advice on his assignment.  

Charlie: I know we already talked about it at dinner the other night, but I’m… I’m still having trouble. I was just wondering if you had any other thoughts or... words of fatherly wisdom?

Ambrose: Well, it’s funny that you think fatherhood comes with wisdom.

Charlie cracks a smile as Ambrose chuckles at his own joke. Then he gives it some thought, clearly taking the matter seriously. It’s easier to talk about it, just the two of them, rather than with the whole family.

Ambrose: Honestly, bud, I think that the most important thing is you choose what makes you happy. You don’t want to spend your whole life doing something that doesn’t feel true to you. Do you know what I mean?

Charlie, tightly: … yeah, I do.

Ambrose gives him a smile, going back to his paper. Charlie drops his head back down to his notebook, expression growing grim. His own father doesn’t even know what’s true to him. If that’s the key to a good future, then he knows he’s damned.

Charlie swallows hard, shutting the notebook.

INT. FOSTER HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Isadora is at the sink, doing dishes for the house even though she clearly would rather be out of sight and out of mind. She’s gritting her teeth as she cleans, on edge from all of the pressure of the week.

STEPHEN VAN HERSCHING brings in the last of the dishes, giving her a grateful smile as he passes them to her. In an attempt to be an attentive parent and work on repairing his relationship with Isadora that seems to have been deteriorating lately, he innocently ventures the question of how school is going. She answers shortly, explaining the gist of the week.

Stephen is interested, eagerly inquiring as to what she’s been thinking about. Only he doesn’t phrase it all that well, and it comes off more like an interrogation than soft interest. Isadora doesn’t keep her mask intact after holding it up all day, snapping.

Isadora: I don’t know, okay! I! DON’T! KNOW!

She starts to go into a meltdown, trying to escape the conversation as KAREN VAN HERSCHING enters the room to see what all the commotion is about. She incidentally also criticizes Isadora for her noise level, stating that she’ll wake her younger siblings. The whole argument turns into a huge miscommunication, the foster parents mistaking her emotion and meltdown for increasingly rude behavior whereas Isadora just really needs space.

It continues to escalate until JERICHO TORRES sees what is going on and runs to get BEATRIX TORRES. She steps in and pulls Isadora out of the situation, flatly telling the Van Herschings that she’ll handle it.

Isadora: I don’t need to be handled! Stop talking about me like I’m not here! I’m here! I’m here! I’m not invisible, I’M HERE!

Beatrix doesn’t take it personally, persisting in removing her from the room. Karen and Stephen share a loaded look.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Riley has forgone the future entirely and is throwing herself into her new investigation. She scours through Charlie’s social media, currently on Instagram and scrolling way back into last year to look for any sort of indication as to what’s really going on with him. She knows for a fact that he’s all about promoting false narratives, but she doesn’t see where that involves her or when the lines are drawn.

Unfortunately, she makes the cardinal error of lurking. She accidentally double-taps and likes a photo from last year, letting out a loud oh, shit as she frantically unlikes it.

INT. GARDNER HOME - CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

That doesn’t stop Charlie from getting the notification, though. He’s just getting ready for bed when his phone lights up, displaying that Riley liked his photo. He frowns, opening the app and checking which photo she liked.

It’s a photo from around the time of Les Miserables, so a long way back. Even more concerning, it’s a photo of him and Zay during the phase where they were spending a lot of time together. Riley lurking is confusing enough, but someone zeroing in on him and Zay in particular…

Eric, pre-lap: Why do you think that is?

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Charlie is staring at the desk, seated across from Eric. He’s startled out of his daze, blinking and coming back down to Earth.

Charlie: What?

Eric: You said you were having trouble figuring out your plans. I asked why you thought that might be.

Charlie: Oh. Um, probably just the uncertainty of it. Lots to um… consider.

Charlie is not doing a good job of appearing in top shape like usual. Eric pauses, cautiously shifting gears and attempting to question if there’s anything else going on that Charlie wants to discuss. He mentions a couple of other issues his fellow students have been having in vague terms, gently finding ways to allude to possible identity issues that he might be having. He can remember being in the closet himself, and he evidently wants to help Charlie even if he’s not sure how to go about it.

Evidently, it doesn’t come across as intended. Charlie gets the message, but it only instills more paranoia in him that people are onto him. Riley and Eric are connected after all, and if they know, who else is going to end up in the know?

Eric tries to smooth things over and focus on the positive, highlighting how when Charlie graduates he’ll find a sense of personal freedom and maybe the future won’t seem so complicated to figure out. But with his anxiety, all Charlie can focus on is the here and now, and right now he knows he needs to escape. He thanks Eric for his help, getting up to go.

Flipping back to Eric, he poses a new question.

Eric: You’re absolutely sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?

As we rotate back around, it’s no longer Charlie in the hot seat, but Asher. He’s maintaining his composure, voice even and expression neutral as he confirms that he has nothing to discuss.

But Eric has had Asher as a student for three years, just like the rest of them, and he knows tells when he sees them. Asher might be shy, and has anxiety, but he’s cheery and pleasant more often than not. Usually when he’s in the chair opposite him, the conversation is enjoyable -- far from the strained, succinct exchange they’re having now.

When he rephrases the question, Asher states that he did the assignment and presented it, so he doesn’t know what else he’s expected to be discussing. In fact, he gives him the short version again, speaking slowly and clearly without tripping up once. Rehearsed, practically perfect. Eric relents, but he gives him a piece of advice before he goes that lands.

Eric: You’re well aware of your own limitations and needs, I know that. You demonstrate immense maturity, outshining many of your peers in that regard despite being younger. And you’ve never been trouble -- in fact you’ve helped prevent trouble on a number of occasions. That doesn’t go unnoticed. [ a beat ] I merely suggest that avoiding trouble doesn’t have to mean staying quiet. If you have something you think you need to say, then by all means, you should speak up. In fact, it may do more good than the harm you think it will.

For the first time all meeting, Asher’s neutral demeanor cracks. Uncertainty flashes across his features for half a second, then he pulls it back together and offers a nod.

Asher: Thanks, Mister Matthews. I’ll think about it.

Whether or not he actually will is impossible to tell.

A couple other students occupy the chair opposite him, Eric growing more flustered as they progress. It all culminates with Lucas’s second meeting, and he’s changed his approach from avoiding the topic entirely to going absolutely batshit with his proposals. He’s totally in his element too, acting like he owns the place. He’s got his feet up on the desk, arms behind his head and speaking with a breezy nonchalance.

Lucas: I looked into “space cowboy,” but as it turns out you need a degree in aerospace engineering as well as a license to boy cows, and that seems like a lot of work. So then I thought, well, if I don’t have the capacity to work, what else is there in this capitalistic hell we call society? Sure, I could probably enter myself in human cage fights and scrap to death for spare change, but I think that would hurt after a while and to be honest, I think I’d feel a bit like a piece of meat if I took up that mantle. Who would I be fighting to impress? The bourgeoisie? Hard pass.

Eric: I --

Lucas: But after some deep, probing soul-searching, I finally hit the one. [ a beat ] Trophy husband.

Eric: That --

Lucas: Now, I know what you’re thinking. To accomplish such a grand ambition, I’d have to get someone to like me. And that’s a pretty hefty task, believe me I know, but I’ve devised a work around. This is, as Dave would say, galaxy-brained thinking, Mister E. [ holding out his arms ] I’m going to put an ad on Craigslist.

He’s finally done it -- Eric Matthews is at a loss for words. He’s completely stumped as to where to take this conversation, as Lucas has driven it right off the cliffside and effectively derailed any meaningful discussion.

Lucas: My only trouble is that I cannot decide whether I should advertise myself as “seeking companionship,” or if I should just forgo that entirely and tell it like it is -- that I really don’t have anything to offer and I’ll pretty much do whatever as long as they pay me. But does that make me sound trampy? I’m white trash, yeah, but I do have standards, you know?

As much as he’s enjoying giving Eric an ulcer, Lucas’s fun comes to an end the moment the door opens behind him. His eyes widen as JACK HUNTER enters, immediately glaring at him with his feet up looking so high and mighty. He snaps at him for wasting all of their time, knocking his legs off the desk.

Jack: And get your feet off the table, who do you think you are?

Lucas: [ straightening up, sheepish ] I thought this meeting was a one-on-one.

Jack: It was. But you had your first chance, and as far as I can tell it looks like you’re fumbling this one too. So here we are, third time’s the charm. Don’t strike out.

Jack crosses his arms, standing next to Eric and watching as the counselor tentatively attempts to explain to Lucas that he brought him in because he was having difficulty getting an honest conversation out of him. He thought if he had another mentor present, he might be willing to take the discussion more seriously.

Lucas: [ under his breath ] Don’t flatter him.

Jack: Well, either way, I’m here. So let’s talk, shall we? Do you want to talk about why you’re insisting on being such a --

Eric: Thoughtful words, thoughtful words…

Jack: … why you’re making things so difficult for no reason, or do you just wanna jump right to the part where we try again?

Bravado dismantled, Lucas gets bristly as Jack forces him to actually consider his options for the future. With actual pressure to deliver, the issue becomes plain as day pretty quickly -- Lucas doesn’t want to think about the future because as far as he’s concerned…

Lucas, snapping: What do you want me to say? I don’t have any plans! [ cracking ] I have no talent and I have no drive, so what’s the fucking point? You want my future? Great, here it is -- I don’t have one!

Lucas jumps to his feet, knocking over a bunch of stuff before storming out. Eric flinches, obviously reaching an emotional breaking point himself this week. Jack frowns, clambering over the stuff on the floor to call after him.

Jack: Lucas! LUCAS JAMES!

He’s long gone. Jack turns to look at Eric over his shoulder, shaking his head in disbelief.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Loser” as performed by Glee Cast || Performed by Asher Garcia & Dylan Orlando (feat. AAA Juniors)

Lucas storms down the hall, passing right by Dylan leaning against the wall. He’s strumming the guitar opening to the number, only he doesn’t quite… look like himself. The discrepancy is in how he’s dressed, sporting a lot of dark hues for the kid who wears bright yellow at any given opportunity.

As the camera pans away from him, it slowly finds its way to Asher. He’s following the performance dress code, dressed completely unlike himself in dark jeans and a grungy long sleeve crew neck. However, it’s the snapback that gives it away -- they’re both channeling Lucas, some sort of weird representation of him rather than actually themselves.

Asher kicks off the song, Dylan sauntering up still playing his guitar as they stride through the halls. They both look directly at the camera, the breaking of the fourth wall creating a pointed discomforting feeling. They look away at the end of the first verse, turning to face one another with the same sullen expressions on their faces. Dave and Nate join them, dressed similarly, Dave delivering the “yo,” before they launch into the rest of the song.

From there, the general conceit of the number becomes crystal clear. Wherever Lucas is -- in class, in the booth, walking through the halls, the crew of them are right behind him echoing the same exhausted sentiment. He can’t escape it no matter where he goes, and as the song progresses, more and more of his classmates join the throng. I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me? Why don’t you kill me?!

In the bridge, as the music seems to play backwards and in warped tones, the image of the A class becomes warped as well. They’re seated along the edge of the stage, looking towards the booth, but it’s all jarring close ups and looped moments. It’s familiar, but it’s not reality. A representation of how easily someone’s perspective can be bent...

Back in the hallway, there’s one potential light moment of reprieve, when Dave seems to forget the message and changes into more positive thinking (“I’m a driver, I’m a winner,”). But Lucas glares at him, then shoves him out of frame.

By the end of the song, what feels like the entire student body of AAA is marching behind Lucas as he moves through the halls, a resounding chorus asking why no one will kill them.

It only comes to an end when Lucas finally snaps, whipping around and shouting at them.

Lucas: Oh my God, could you SHUT. UP?

Only when he spins and marches away, Dylan, Asher, and the rest of them aren’t there. The hallway is completely empty.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Lucas isn’t the only one who feels like he’s losing his mind. Charlie is on edge as he makes his way through the halls, nearly bumping into people and apologizing offhandedly.

Zay is waiting for him by his locker, noticing his odd demeanor immediately. He straightens up and asks what’s going on and if he’s okay, but Charlie isn’t focused on that.

Charlie: What are you doing here? You can’t just stand at my locker.

The statement isn’t said harshly (distractedly would be a better descriptor), but it still stings. Zay tries not to take it personally, instead trying to figure out what the hell is up with him. Charlie is over it a second later anyway, starting half of a conversation while glancing over his shoulder. He spins his locker combination but doesn’t open it, hands shaking.

Zay takes his upper arm and gets him to look at him, asking again if everything is okay. Charlie hesitates, examining him and trying to decide whether to talk about any of it. But he knows Zay is already having a rough week, and he doesn’t want to burden him with his stupid bullshit that he still hasn’t been able to get over after eight months. He’s already being unfair to him and he knows it, not to mention he fears that if he starts opening up, he won’t be able to stop.

So he deflects instead, claiming everything is fine despite every obvious sign that it isn’t. Distracted and without thinking, he leans forward and gives Zay a kiss on the cheek before jogging off to get away.

Zay is stunned, freezing and absorbing the moment. He looks around them to make sure no one else noticed, then looks over his shoulder with a bewildered frown at the direction Charlie ran in. But he’s already long gone.

INT. AAA - DRESSING ROOM HALL - DAY

Charlie darts into the dressing room hall, running right into Clarissa and Haley. They greet him, asking him how his meeting with Eric went. Clarissa notices his weird behavior first, pointing out that he’s sweating. They ask him if he’s okay and he breathlessly states he’s fine, although his delivery is not convincing.

Haley: Are you sure? You look kind of pale.

Clarissa: We can walk you to the nurse?

Haley: Or we can talk about --

Charlie: I can’t. I can’t talk -- I can’t talk right now. I’m sorry, I have to --

Charlie darts away from them, pushing deeper into the auditorium. Clarissa and Haley exchange hesitant looks, obviously wondering if they should go after him or leave him be. This week has everyone in hysterics, after all.

INT. AAA - COSTUME LOFT - DAY

Charlie doesn’t find sanctuary until he gets to the costume loft, relieved to find that no one else is around. He lets out a painful exhale and stumbles onto the platform, legs shaking so much that he basically collapses into a pile of costumes. He starts to push himself back up but then pauses, giving up and laying back against them in defeat.

He presses his palms to his eyes, trying to talk himself down from the panic. The words start as variations on telling himself to breathe and transform into a prayer, Charlie murmuring a plea for God to be with him before repeating a Bible verse he’s got memorized like the back of his hand. He continues to mutter it to himself, until he can breathe and the room stops spinning.

When he finally pulls his hands back from his face, Charlie stares listlessly at the ceiling. Wondering how he ended up like this, fearing that it’s always going to be this way.

That he’s never going to be able to properly breathe again.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Exhale” as performed by Sabrina Carpenter || Performed by Charlie Gardner

Whereas the other performances of the episode have been surprisingly grand and a bit of a spectacle, the power of this request for a reprieve is in its simplicity. There’s no fanfare, no blurred lines between what’s real and what is not, just Charlie and his soft tenor and his sheer, utter exhaustion.

The entire first verse and chorus stay solely on Charlie, slowly easing out of a close up until we’re further and further away from him, making him feel smaller than he is. The second verse takes us back into the darkened auditorium, Charlie walking behind the back curtain along the wall where all of the Class 2 x 4s are.

Every year, the freshman class adds their plank of wood to the wall, signing with their initials. It’s an AAA tradition, and it’s what Charlie focuses on as he wanders aimlessly. On “try to keep a sense of knowing who I am,” he lightly brushes his fingers over his own initials from two and a half years ago. His expression twists as he sings “I try to be an angel but I don’t think I can,” holding back tears as he slouches back against the wall to finish the verse.

He rounds out the number back in the costume loft, managing to push himself into a sitting position and propping his elbows on his knees. He forces himself to breathe as he finishes out the song, then puts his head against his knees and shuts out everything else.

Breathing, for just one second, as if that’ll be enough.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Lucas is at his locker, a storm brewing behind his eyes. Riley spots him from down the hall and jogs over to join him, seemingly happy to see him. She starts talking to him eagerly, lamenting how crazy the week has been and how relieved she is that it’s almost over.

Searching for a safe place to vent, she almost starts talking about her parents given how that has been weighing on her all week as well, but unfortunately Lucas is far from stable ground right now. He interrupts her, voice dull.

Lucas: Why are you talking to me?

Riley: … because I -- I thought we talked about this. I thought when we talked during group week --

Lucas: Well you thought wrong. You’re wasting your time, and I’m wasting everybody else’s, so don’t bother.

Riley: … what are you talking about? Lucas --

Lucas: Riley, I...

He locks eyes with her, the sentiment hanging unfinished between them. She holds his gaze, wide-eyed, waiting for him to speak.

One step forward, two steps back. Whatever he might’ve said, he chooses not to, too embroiled in the chorus of negativity echoing in his own head. Riley could do much better than him, he knows, so it’s about time she realized it too.

Lucas, half-heartedly: Just leave me alone.

He shuts his locker, marching away from her. Riley stares after him, completely dumbstruck.

INT. AAA - AUDITORIUM - DAY

Zay is in the auditorium, looking for Charlie. He happens to run into someone else on the hunt, Angela entering through the wings and greeting him. She questions whether or not he’s seen Farkle, as she has been trying to catch him all week and seems to be constantly missing him. Zay claims he hasn’t.

Whereas it seems like he wants there to be more to say, Angela thanks him and starts heading out. There’s a moment where it seems like Zay might just swallow the dismissal, like he always does, but this time something in him snaps.

Zay: Don’t you have anything you’d like to say to me?

Angela whips around, a bit surprised. She pleasantly asks if there’s something he wants to talk about, which seems to frustrate him more. At first he brushes off the question, but then doubles back and states that there is. That there’s a toxic, broken culture here at AAA, and in some ways it's her fault.

This kind of declaration is unusual coming from Zay, and Angela is understandably taken aback. She tries to defend herself but he doesn’t let her interject, growing more worked up the more he gets to speak. He laments the fact that this school is so built on favorites, and Angela has been feeding that culture since day one. She’s still doing it, making a point of enthusiastically greeting Maya and making special time to catch up with Farkle while saying fuck all to the rest of them.

Zay: Don’t you think that I might want to catch up with the teacher who was supposed to have been fostering my talent for two years? Don’t you think Yindra, or Nigel, or Haley or literally anybody else other than the Diva Twins might want a scrap of your attention?

Angela: Zay, I fully believe that all of you --

Zay: It’s easy to say you believe in someone, Miss Moore. Showing up for them is a different story. [ a beat ] And you chose who you’re backing from the first time we set foot on this stage.

He says his piece, storming past her. Angela absorbs the blow, knowing that the emotion is somewhat misdirected but still feeling the sting. She stands alone on the stage, overcome with nostalgia and wondering if the impact she left behind was all that good after all.

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Riley is at a limit of her own, breaking down in the chair across from Eric. This meeting has nothing to do with the future -- this is all about right now, and it’s clear that Riley is losing her ability to cope. Still, there’s nothing she hates more than crying in front of others, so she’s a sniffling, embarrassed mess as she laments the state of affairs. The tissue she’s gripping in her fist is less tissue and more so just shreds after so much crumpling and twisting.

She admits that she’s been using other people as her distraction, but the fact is she can’t keep running from it. Her life is in shambles, and now her family is legitimately falling apart. She’s been trying to keep things together, but whenever she gets one thing straightened out another just crashes out of nowhere and she can’t keep up with it. She can’t do it anymore.

Eric frowns, getting up from his desk. He pulls over the other chair against the wall, sitting next to her instead of separated behind administrator lines.

Eric: I’m swapping hats for a second here. Counselor out, uncle in. I’m very versatile, I don’t know if you knew.

Riley can’t help but laugh, although it’s weak. Eric goes on to say that he genuinely can imagine how she’s feeling. This week in particular has been a challenge unlike anything he’s felt in a long time, and there are days where he wishes he didn’t have to come in and face it.

Eric: But, and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, the only thing I can say is to keep doing your best. Keep being compassionate, even when it’s hard.

Riley: How? I mean, how do you do that?

Eric, with a shrug: It’s the only thing I know how to do. I can’t imagine moving forward without it.

An honest confession, and something that seems to resonate with Riley. And if Eric is still going after all these years, then she supposes she’ll be able to as well. Somehow.

She dabs at her eyes, offering him a smile when he reaches out and pats her shoulder. A sorely needed moment of unity amidst all of the destruction.

INT. AAA - TECHNICIAN’S BOOTH - DAY

Asher and Dylan have followed Lucas into the tech booth, the latter still in a foul mood. Dylan is doing his usual approach of trying to lighten the mood and echoing Lucas’s derisive commentary about how stupid all of this is, but Asher is hanging back. He’s hesitant as Lucas collapses into the rolling chair, once again bluntly claiming that his future is shit anyway, so why should he even bother?

Asher, after a moment: Well, don’t you think that’s a bit self-defeatist?

[ The booth goes quiet. Lucas glances at him, obviously surprised he’s arguing the counterpoint. ]

Lucas: Huh?

[ More quiet. Asher glances at Dylan, who is staring at him, wondering what he’s going to do next. ]

Asher: I’m just saying. By deciding prematurely that you have no future, you’re sort of inherently guaranteeing that you won’t have one. Self-fulfilling prophecy, we learned about that in English.

Lucas: You think I pay attention to anything Matthews has to say?

Asher: [ with waning patience ] My point is that if you don’t take the time to really think about what you can do, then you’re right, you won’t do anything. And I think that would be a pretty big shame.

Lucas, with a snort: Please, tell me how you really feel.

There’s an odd tension in the air that’s never been there between the trio before. Or perhaps it has, growing more and more potent the longer they’ve elected to ignore it. The dismissive comment only exacerbates it, Asher frowning. He steps past Dylan and approaches the lighting board, standing face-to-face with Lucas.

Asher: You want me to tell you how I really feel?

Lucas: If you think you can.

Asher: Fine. [ dropping his bag on the table pointedly ] I think you’re being stupid.

Lucas scoffs, but Asher isn’t done. He elaborates, pointing out all of the ways that Lucas has been sabotaging himself this entire year when it feels as though things could improve even a fraction if he just cut it out. It’s an impressive catalogue of points, being delivered expertly from someone who has clearly been paying close attention and bottling it all up.

Asher: You’re being stupid about this assignment, when if you just took it seriously you might realize you could actually do lots of things with the right resources. That’s what Eric and Jack are there for.

Lucas: Yeah, well --

Asher: You’re being stupid about Riley, who has been nothing but nice to you despite you treating her like garbage.

Lucas, defensively: Don’t talk about her --

Dylan: [ with a nervous laugh ] Guys, come on --

Asher: And you’re being stupid about the way you treat everyone else, including people who just want what’s best for you. You keep pushing, and pushing, and it’s like you want the rubber band to finally snap. [ exasperated ] Look at that and tell me it’s not fucking stupid!

Lucas: Well, what do you expect? Who are you talking to?

Asher: That’s the worst part about it! That’s what’s so frustrating is that I know you’re not stupid, Lucas. I know that, but it’s like you don’t. Either that or you just don’t care, and I don’t know which one is worse!

The can of worms has been opened, and it’s not going to be put away so easily. Dylan attempts to deescalate the discussion but it just keeps spiraling, Lucas and Asher’s voices rising the more they go back and forth. Asher complains that all they’re trying to do is support him because that’s why they’re friends, and all he’s doing is rebuffing them. Lucas finally rises from his seat, glaring at him with at least his height dominance back intact.

Lucas: Oh, you wanna know why we’re friends? [ flatly ] It’s because you wanna fix me.

Asher: What the hell are you talking about?

Dylan: Guys --

Lucas: Come on, we both know it’s true. You’re the reasonable one, put together and perfect, and I’m the trainwreck. It’s great, too, because it’s like a double win. I get you to do all this crazy and ridiculous stuff, and for five seconds you feel cool. Then you get to go home to your perfect house and your perfect family and forget about it, until the next time you want to let loose. I make you feel good about yourself.

Dylan: Hey, seriously --

Asher: Is that seriously what you think?

Lucas: [ mockingly ] It’s what I know! I am just like the most fascinating little mess for you to tidy up, to placate to that incessant, neurotic need you have to put everything in perfect order. Only now I’m not doing it right, I’m not running right anymore, and isn’t it so annoying when your perfect little toy train won’t run off the tracks exactly the way you want it to.

Asher, voice cracking: I can’t believe --

Lucas: Well, I’m sorry, spaghetti! I’m sorry that you have to settle and deal with one thing in your life that isn’t absolutely fucking perfect!

Dylan, harshly: HEY!

Dylan has moved forward, nearly stepping between them and holding out a hand to keep Lucas back. It’s as if his presence snaps him out of it, Lucas staring at him and realizing just how intense the situation has become. Dylan is looking at him with wide eyes, his anger only lasting as long as it took to get them both to hold off and having faded to shock.

Asher’s expression is harder. He’s glaring at Lucas, eyes glassy, clenching his jaw. Lucas hesitates, clearly wanting to say something, but Asher moves before he can speak. He snatches his bag off the table, clutching it close as he marches to the steps and exits out of the booth without another word.

Dylan whips around and watches him leave, mouth hanging open slightly. Lucas stares after him, expression shifting to something like hurt, before he spins away from the door and crashes back into the chair. He stays facing away from Dylan, who is still standing frozen in the middle of the booth.

Lucas: Well? Aren’t you going to go after him?

There’s a pause. Dylan blinks, returning to a state of impressive calm in spite of the chaos. He shifts back towards Lucas, eyeing him sadly.

Dylan: Yes. But I want to make sure you’re okay, too.

Lucas: [ snorting ] Why?

Dylan: … because I know you don’t mean it. I don’t know what’s going on, but… I know you didn’t mean it.

Lucas can’t look at him. He chews the inside of his cheek, picking at a hangnail.

Dylan: We’re friends, Lucas. We care about you. Asher wasn’t lying about that. [ a beat ] And when you decide you want to do something about this, we’ll be there. When you need us... we’re going to be there for you. No matter what.

Lucas has picked at the hangnail badly enough to draw blood. Dylan doesn’t wait for a response, looking at him for a moment longer before descending down the steps and leaving him alone.

Lucas curses under his breath, hiding his head in his hands.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Maya’s phone lights up on the bed, Katy’s picture filling the screen. Maya enthusiastically moves away from her future moodboard and reaches to grab it, picking up and excitedly greeting her. They catch up on how Katy is settling in back home in Vermont, and Maya gives her the low down on how insane the week has been but how bright her future feels. She boldly assures her mom that she’s great when she asks, repeating how well the week went for her.

But that’s not what Katy is asking, really. She knows her daughter better than she knows herself, and she knows how good she is at deflecting. So when she questions once again is everything is really fine…

The walls come down. Maya chews her lip and tries not to let the tears fall but they do anyway, the facade crumbling as she lets out a shaky “no.” Then it’s spilling out of her, all of the things that are far from going right. How it feels like her entire class is imploding, how she’s willing to do whatever it takes for the dream but being cut throat has become exhausting, how no matter how obsessively she outlines her future she’s gripped by the fear that it isn’t going to pan out. That she’s going to be a failure, just like her father and like 90% of the people who walk the halls of Adams.

Most predominantly, more than any of that, she misses Farkle Minkus.

Maya, tearfully: I know I said I was done with him, I told him we were… but I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. He hurt me, and what I’ve always thought is that when someone hurts you, you get rid of them. That’s what we did with dad, basically. [ a beat ] But then… I don’t know.

Katy: Baby girl, few people in your life are going to hurt you like your dad did.

[ Maya scrunches her face, wiping at the tears on her cheeks. ]

Katy: I wish I had the right answer, but things like this are never going to be obvious. There will always be pros and cons to every decision. But from what you’re saying to me… it sounds like you don’t want to say goodbye quite yet.

Maya lets out another whimper, pressing her palm to her eyes. When she resurfaces, she lets out a sigh and shakes her head.

Maya, weakly: I wish you were here.

Honestly, don’t we all. Katy returns the sentiment, Maya settling back into the corner of her bed and staying on the phone with her mom for a while longer.

INT. AAA - CLASSROOM - DAY

Riley and Charlie are working in the English classroom, the only two still around after school on Friday. Riley has lost her investigative fire after her conversation with Eric, treating the project as exactly what it is and nothing more.

For what it’s worth, this seems to loosen up some of the awkwardness between them. For once, they’re not both trying to pick apart one another’s every move. They actually work quite well together, diligently getting the work done and even exchanging some tired but entertaining banter while they go.

Once they declare they’re pretty close to finishing, Charlie claims he needs to go run and grab his dance duffle from the practice room where he left it. When he gets back, they should be able to wrap this thing up. Riley nods agreeably, focusing back on the final touches while he jogs out of the room.

The quiet is disrupted by Charlie’s phone, vibrating on the table top. Riley glances at it, but then forces herself to ignore it. She’s done snooping after all… only the contact name that lights up the screen catches her interest.

After a moment of indecision, Riley glances at the door before gently sliding the phone closer to her so she can read the lock screen. Over the saved background of Charlie with his younger sisters, a couple of messages from Zay sit unread on the screen.

“Hey couldn’t find you after school, you still here? you seemed a little out of it yesterday. hope everything is okay”

“Craziest thing happened with miss moore, i’ll tell you all about it. in the usual studio”

The last text message comes through as Riley is taking the phone into her hands, shock taking over her features as she reads it.

“Love you”

Riley is staring at the phone, speechless.

Charlie: What the hell are you doing?

She shoots her head up to find Charlie standing in the doorway with his duffle. He’s staring at her, mortified, and she’s mirroring his panicked expression to a tee.

Busted.

INT. AAA - HALLWAY - DAY

Zay glances up from his phone just in time to avoid ramming right into Harper. Both of them apologize, laughing off one another’s pleasantries. She asks if he has a second to talk, gesturing him into the black box.

INT. AAA - BLACK BOX THEATER - DAY

Harper is calm as she explains that Angela told her about their confrontation on the stage. Zay jumps into defensive mode, claiming that he doesn’t regret what he said.

Harper: I understand, Zay. I agree with you.

Zay: Well, I -- oh. Oh, good. [ a beat ] Really?

Harper cracks a smile, sauntering back over to join him at the desks. She settles into sitting on top of one, admitting that she knows exactly what Zay is talking about and she thinks Angela knows it too. When she told her about what happened, she did not seem like she was denying her fault in the situation.

Realizing that this environment might be safer than he thought, Zay hesitates before really getting into what’s been needling him all week --and really, all year.

Zay: I just don’t get what else I’m supposed to do. It’s like, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. I’m trying and I’m trying and giving everything I’ve got. And all I know is that when I went out there in the real world, when we put our stuff to the test, I came out on top. Kossal looked at all of us and chose me, I was identified as the top player.

Harper: Rightfully so, I’m sure.

Zay: I was the one worth acknowledging, worth accolading, worth… stepping up to be proud of. So how can that be true, but in every other way it’s the opposite? I’m still just shoved into the background?

Harper empathizes. She states she knows exactly what he’s talking about -- favoritism, especially in their industry, is as old as time itself. Not to mention the layers being a person of color adds to that struggle.

Harper: I recognize it, believe me. You work three times harder than everyone else, and no one respects it. You have to be ambitious and driven like the others, yet also be kind and well-liked and not ruffle any feathers.

Zay: Courtesy is the deadest art form at AAA, yes.

Harper: The unfortunate truth is, teachers aren’t perfect. [ off his eye roll, smirking ] Shocking, I know. But we make mistakes just as easily as students do, and unintentional favoritism is likely the most common offense. That has nothing to do with you, though, as you’ve clearly figured out.

She goes on to explain that the other unfortunate truth to an industry like theirs is that sometimes, even your very best is never enough. There are always factors you can’t control, people more talented or better connected than you, and a million reasons to write you off versus the handful of people will choose to acknowledge to uplift you. It’s not an easy world, as she’s sure he’s well aware.

Harper: I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but the truth is it all comes down to endurance. How long you can take it, how long you can stick it out until it ends up being your shot. The true test of who lives the dream is who hangs on… and who gives up.

Not all that inspiring, but honest. Zay evidently appreciates it as he nods, thanking her for taking the time to listen. Despite how rough the transition has been, he does think she’s a good teacher. The comment seems to resonate with Harper, who gives him a grateful smile.

INT. AAA - CLASSROOM - DAY

Charlie breaks the ice first, dropping his duffle bag as he darts into the room. He snaps at Riley for looking through his things, snatching the phone out of her hands in a frenzy. She flinches, trying to regain her bearings on the situation. She stammers out an apology, Charlie turning away from her and reading the texts that she saw for herself.

Silence settles over the room again. Charlie stays turned away from her, no longer breathing. Riley slowly rises to her feet, not sure what to say next.

Riley: That… um. [ tentatively ] Are…  are you -- ?

Charlie: You can’t tell anyone.

Charlie whips around, locking eyes with her. His eyes are wide and he’s shaking again, already on the verge of another panic attack. Only this one is bound to be worse, because the looming fear that he’s going to be found out is now a very real threat.

Charlie: Riley, you can’t. You can’t tell anyone.

Riley: I wasn’t going to --

Charlie, hyperventilating: You can’t. Riley, you can’t. You can’t tell anyone, okay, you can’t -- !

Riley: Charlie. Charlie!

Riley reaches out and takes his arms, getting him to stop cold. She holds his terrified gaze, aware of how he’s literally shaking in her hands.

Riley, sincerely: I would never tell anyone.

There’s an excruciatingly tense moment between them, Charlie having to determine whether or not he believes her. Neither of them move, neither of them breathe. You could hear a pin drop.

Then he lets out an exhausted exhale, nodding and muttering an affirmation. He slips from her grasp, stepping around her and collapsing back into his seat at the desk. Riley stays where she is for a moment, attempting to process what the hell she just learned.

Once she catches up, she spins back to look at him with his face hidden in his hands. She lightly claims she knows what he’s going through -- well, not exactly, but being pansexual definitely gives her a sense of what he might be experiencing. She knows she was lucky to not have many factors keeping her from sharing that side of herself, and she’s sorry that he feels like he does.

Riley: I can’t imagine what that must be like, trying to hide such a big part of yourself. What you might feel like you have to do, like holding things back and… [ realizing ] controlling the narrative.

The Confessions posts. Suddenly, it feels glaringly obvious.

Charlie, under his breath: Fucked. It’s all fucked

Riley frowns sympathetically, cautiously sliding back into her seat next to him. She looks at him, searching for something to say that might be easier to discuss.

Riley: So… Zay?

Charlie takes a deep breath, still hiding in his hands. But after a moment, he nods. Riley smiles.

Riley: That’s great. Honestly, that’s amazing. It’s about time someone appreciated Zay for how wonderful he is. I guess I noticed he had been happier, actually, I just wasn’t sure… [ a beat ] How long?

Charlie lifts his head, inhaling slowly. When he speaks, although he’s backed off the ledge, his voice is shaky.

Charlie: Eight months. [ softer ] But feels like longer.

Riley’s eyes widen, stunned. That long and nobody knows… but on the other hand, it’s hard not to be endeared. It’s so obvious from how delicately he talks about it how much the relationship means to Charlie.

Charlie: I know it’s so stupid. All the stress I’m putting myself through.

Riley: It’s not stupid.

Charlie: It is. Like, maybe it’s not, but it is. I’m just still trying to… I’m not sure how this is supposed to work. It’s like I’ve got this one version of reality, where like… everything is in black and white. There’s good and there’s bad and there’s black and there’s white, and it’s my job to stay clearly on one side. And I do, I do a good job of it, and that’s why the show goes on. It’s not ideal, but it’s manageable. It’s what I know, and you can settle for what you know when you don’t know any different.

Riley listens attentively. Charlie is clearly working through these thoughts for the first time, hesitating and grimacing and stammering over the words. The next statement, however, he says with breathless certainty.

Charlie: Then, there’s Zay, and it’s like… we’re in technicolor. [ a beat ] How are you supposed to go back to settling for black and white when you’ve seen the rainbow?

Riley smiles again. Her voice is soft when she tells him that it’s going to work out, and he’s going to figure it out. When he questions how she can be so certain about that, she admits that she isn’t, but it’s kind of her thing, being hopeful. As someone important reminded her, it’s really all they have.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Rainbow” as performed by Kesha || Performed by Riley Matthews & Charlie Gardner

Riley starts off the duet tentatively, transitioning pretty smoothly from their conversation (“I used to live in the darkness / dressed in black act so heartless / but now I see that colors are everything”). She carries through the first verse, smiling lightly and encouraging Charlie to relax and allow himself a smile as well. In this moment, they’re safe. It’s okay.

Charlie picks up the second verse. He brings a little more emotion to the arrangement, clearly needing the catharsis of finally getting to be open for the first time in what feels like his entire life. The two of them pass the harmonies back and forth, performing well as a duo when the situation isn’t forced in some unidentifiable way. Finally both on the same page.

As the last verse wraps up, Riley reaches forward and takes his hand. They keep their fingers joined together straight through to the end, the camaraderie obviously a relief to Charlie.

Focus hangs on the hand hold, a symbol of coming together when it feels as though everything is falling apart.

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Isadora swings by Eric’s office, poking her head in and a bit surprised to find him still around. When he greets her and asks what the expression on her face is for, she admits that she figured after the hell week they had, he’d be running off to escape for the weekend faster than anyone else. He certainly would’ve earned that right, at least.

Eric laughs, nodding in acquiescence. But he’s survived this week for years now at AAA, and he figures he’ll survive a handful more before retirement comes to free him. He turns the tables and gently asks Isadora how she’s feeling at the conclusion of this week -- he got the sense she wasn’t being entirely forthcoming during their structured meeting.

Isadora hesitates, then caves. She admits he’s correct, sauntering in and slowly settling into one of the chairs. He keeps the atmosphere casual, coming to lean against the front of his desk. She states that things aren’t going all that well at home, but she figures the social worker must’ve already passed that intel to him.

Eric: And the future?

Isadora: … honestly… I don’t know. I don’t even have right now worked out. I’ve been thinking about it all week, hoping that a clear path would just emerge. But instead I just fell down a lot of sinkholes instead.

Eric: Any injuries to report?

Isadora: Maybe internally. [ a beat ] But they’ll heal.

Eric: And so…

Isadora: And so… right now, I don’t know. Nigel said it was better to have lots of options rather than one or none at all, so I guess he’s right. As for which one is the right one… no idea.

Eric: And you know? That’s totally okay.

Eric goes on to state that the point of the week, despite its reputation, isn’t to get them to make definitive irreversible decisions about their prospects. It’s just to get them thinking about it, to get those wheels turning so that when that time does come around, hopefully they’ll already have a little bit of clarity.

Eric: And considering you’re Isadora De La Cruz, I am positive you’ll work it out.

Isadora accepts the compliment shyly, offering a small smile. Then she asks him how he’s faring. He had to carry everyone’s baggage even more than usual, and that can’t be fun. He seems touched by the fact that she’s asking at all, and he admits that he’s got some things going on in his own life that aren’t helping matters.

Isadora: Well, can I offer you some advice?

Eric, with a laugh: Sure.

Isadora: Whatever you’re struggling with, maybe it would help to get to talk about it with someone who can help, too. I feel better after coming in here and talking to you, so maybe you’ll feel better if you go and give yourself the same opportunity. If it’s with someone who can actually address the things you’re grappling with, even better.

Not bad advice. Eric jokes that maybe Isadora has a career in counseling in her future, which earns a snort out of her. She gets up and thanks him one last time, heading towards the door.

Eric: No… thank you.

Isadora nods, disappearing from the doorway. Eric takes a moment to breathe, glancing at the office around him. Having survived another week, for better or for worse.

INT. AAA - SHAWN’S OFFICE - DAY

Angela finds SHAWN HUNTER hidden away in his cramped office, the two of them exchanging jokes about how it’s typical for him to stay out of sight during check-in week. In his defense, he claims, his presence sometimes only adds stress. Angela can’t argue with that.

She comes to sit with him, settling casually onto his lap. She gently approaches the topic of what happened with Zay, and the conversation she had with Harper afterwards. She feels bad for having made their students feel that way, and she’s realizing that maybe the way the two of them approached working at AAA isn’t the only, or even the best, way to go about things.

Maybe, Angela concludes pointedly, it might be better to stop combatting the change and embrace it for what it’s worth. Harper might just surprise him. Shawn is reluctant simply due to embarrassment for his behavior, but Angela softens the blow by giving him a quick kiss.

Much to consider moving forward, that’s for sure.

INT. AAA - DANCE STUDIO - DAY

Zay is in the studio as he said he would be, working hard as usual. Not yet spooked away from his passion, Harper’s talk with him giving him more perspective than acting as a deterrent.

Charlie finally makes it there, and this time it's his turn to hang in the doorway and watch Zay dance. He crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe, expression softening and a light smile blooming onto his face. It’s the most content he’s looked all week.

When Zay spins out of a dance step he spots him, expressing relief. He asks where he’s been -- he feels like he hasn’t seen him all day. Charlie apologizes, sauntering into the room and asking what happened with Angela that he wanted to tell him about. Zay pauses, then shrugs.

Zay: Nothing. It’s not important. Miss Burgess is pretty cool, though.

Charlie: Yeah?

Zay: Yeah. Nothing like Miss Moore, but maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world.

Charlie shrugs. Seeing as they’ve come up on Friday, Zay playfully questions if Charlie has figured out his grand plans for the future. He shakes his head, clasping his hands together in front of him as he comes to stand in front of his boyfriend.

Charlie: I don’t think I can know what I’m going to be then until I like… know myself now. Or feel like I know myself more consistently than I do at the moment.

Gently, Charlie reaches for Zay’s hands. The latter hesitates, examining him curiously and well aware that they’re still in public school property despite how much this studio feels like their own safe haven. But Charlie seems comfortable with the gesture, dipping his head down to look at their joined hands.

Charlie also quietly informs him that Riley now knows, which is major news. Zay immediately asks how it went, how she reacted, but from Charlie’s calm demeanor he can only assume it didn’t go horribly. He confirms it, admitting that it wasn’t the end of the world. As for what that means for the future...

Charlie: I just hope that… I don’t know. I hope that when I get there, I’ll be… happy. Content, at least.

Zay, lightly teasing: Big ask.

Charlie: I know. Feels like it, but… [ locking eyes with him ] I know it’s possible. I know it when I feel it.

The subtext of the message goes without saying. Zay smiles, rubbing his thumbs over the back of his hands. Charlie takes it a step further, leaning forward and starting a soft kiss. It’s tentative, new for different reasons, like being in a place where potentially anybody could see. But it’s sweet and it lingers, Zay smiling when they pull apart.

Charlie presses his forehead against his, staying in the moment while he can. Holding onto the safety of this thing, this place right now, when the future remains wholly uncertain.

Eric, pre-lap: Thanks for being here with me.

INT. AAA - ERIC’S OFFICE - DAY

Eric finishes filling a mug from his coffee maker. The cup is steaming as he hands it to Jack, who takes it with a tentative but grateful smile. He admits he’s surprised Eric invited him to come do their usual tradition of ending this hell week with one another, considering how… off things have been between them.

Eric acknowledges that, admitting that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about that. He starts to apologize but Jack beats him to it, murmuring about how he knows he shouldn’t have kept things from him. He does trust him, and he values him more than anything. There’s no one better at what he does -- this week alone is evident enough of that -- and he’s grateful that he’s there keeping the ship running with him. He regrets what he said to him, and hopes he’ll believe him when he says he’s sorry. He let his emotions get the best of him is all.

Eric, after a moment: Well, I’m not one to say that a little emotion is ever a bad thing.

And like that, the tension is gone. Jack smiles, taking a long sip of his coffee.

Song Cue ♫ ♪ “Lullaby” as performed by Sleeping At Last || Performed by AAA Juniors

The a capella humming of the junior class floats over the scene, underscoring the rest of the episode. It’s delicate, pretty, but the slightest bit haunting. Heavy with the context of the week.

Jack asks Eric how he thought the week went overall, in spite of the trainwreck he was there to witness himself. Eric shrugs, admitting that it’s always hard to tell. Talking about the future is never easy, and the additional uncertainty of this career path that they all think they might want doesn’t soften it.

Eric: I just hope that… I hope they realize this isn’t the end of the world. The future is so malleable, and it will take them in directions they don’t even know are options right now. I mean, look at me. I was just like them at this age. I thought I was going to be a star.

Jack, jokingly: [ behind his mug ] Still have the theatrics to prove it.

Eric gives him a look, but it melts into a smile after Jack shrugs pithily.

Eric: Did I ever think this was where I would end up? No. But life has a way of getting you where you’re supposed to be. [ looking at Jack ] And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Jack claims he’ll toast to that. The two of them clink their mugs together, taking a sip and settling into the quiet.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - AUGGIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Cory is tucking Auggie into bed, taking his time with it considering how the times he’ll get to do so are numbered. He gives him a kiss on the forehead, smiling when Auggie says something silly to him in response.

Riley leans against the doorframe, watching with a bittersweet smile on her face. Not wanting this to change…

INT. FOSTER HOME - NIGHT

Isadora grows tired with helping Jericho with his homework, excusing herself and skirting around her other siblings to escape to her room. Stephen and Karen watch her from the kitchen, exchanging knowing looks.

INT. GARCIA HOME - ASHER’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Asher is seated on his bed, doing his practice of journaling down all the good things that happened, then writing down the bad and crumpling it up so he can metaphorically throw it away. But he’s already got a couple of paper balls littering the floor at his feet, and he’s tear-stained as he rips another page out and crumples it.

He gives up on all of it, letting the journal and the crumpled page fall off his lap and onto the floor. Dylan emerges from the window, slipping inside the room and coming to join him.

They don’t say anything. Dylan simply climbs onto the bed and wraps his arms around him from behind, Asher closing his eyes. Dylan kisses his cheek, then his shoulder, tucking his head against it.

INT. LUCAS’S APARTMENT - LUCAS’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Alternatively, Lucas’s bedroom is cold and empty. His window is still open to the fire escape, letting in frigid February air.

EXT. LUCAS’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

He’s not on the fire escape either. Drifting upwards, we pass a few more floors until we find him, huddled up on the roof of the building by himself. He’s shivering, but he doesn’t move. He’s looking at the city, sprawled and twinkling in front of him, but his expression is blank.

I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you…

INT. SUBWAY STOP - NIGHT

The train doors open, Zay and Charlie emerging onto the platform. It’s still bustling for a Friday night, the two of them just another part of the crowd. Charlie takes his hand, the two of them exchanging a meaningful look before Zay begins to lead the way through the masses.

INT. MATTHEWS APARTMENT - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Maya is tweaking her future moodboard, rearranging some items and changing it up. She’s making it a little more personal rather than so cold and calculated, aiming for the future she wants to lead rather than the one she feels like she has to in order to survive the industry.

She picks up one of the photos on her bed, hesitating on it. It’s a polaroid of her and Farkle, goofing around in the auditorium during spring semester. She brushes her thumb over Farkle, obviously contemplative.

Then she looks back at the moodboard. Perhaps it will find a place in her future after all…

INT. MINKUS HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT

STUART MINKUS approaches Farkle’s door, lightly knocking and asking if he can come inside and chat. Jennifer informed him that he passed on dinner, and hasn’t emerged from his room since, so he wanted to come see what’s going on. His mom said he seemed like he was feeling better this week? Is that the case?

Farkle doesn’t answer, so Stuart sighs and settles for hanging outside. He speaks through the door instead, struggling to find exactly what he wants to say but doing his best to get it out.

Stuart: Listen, I… I’ve been thinking a lot about that discussion we had during the holidays. The things we said to each other… I think you had some points. Smart as you are, of course you did, but… when I said what I did, I was only trying to look out for you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, considering I’m not always… you’re right. I could afford to be around more, and I guess I just needed you to confront me with the truth of that to recognize it as such. [ a beat ] I’m sorry I made you feel like I don’t notice or care, Farkle. I do. I do, and you make me proud every day. Even if I don’t quite understand it, I know you’re making strides in what’s important to you. And I want to be there for more of that. Genuinely.

A really nice sentiment, one long overdue. Still, Farkle doesn’t give him anything in return. Stuart sighs in frustration, knowing they can’t make any progress if he won’t even hear him out.

Stuart: Farkle, come on. Can we just chat about this --

INT. MINKUS HOME - FARKLE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Stuart gently pushes open the door, searching the dimly lit room for Farkle so they can talk face to face. But he’s not at his desk or on his bed, and it takes a full scan of the room for his gaze to drift to the floor.

First confusion passes over his features, then a moment later, panic. Sheer, absolute panic.

Stuart, choked: Farkle? [ bursting into the room ] FARKLE!

Stuart drops down to the ground, kneeling just in front of the camera. He immediately descends into hysterics.

Stuart: Farkle, come on. No -- Jennifer! JENNIFER, CALL AN AMBULANCE!

The last notes of “Lullaby” take us out as the screen goes to black.

Stuart, broken: Farkle!

END OF EPISODE.

IF ANY of the content in this episode has been triggering, please reach out and talk to somebody you trust and who can help you. The following links are resources including hotlines, prevention organizations, and international numbers.

Suicide Prevention: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

List of Suicide Hotlines: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines https://suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

#S2 #episodes #207

[yvaquietdays]

On giving up on all your unrealistic dreams.

There’s a rumour going around that I’m gonna give it all up. 

The rumour is only in my head. But still.

Entirely expectedly at this time of year, I’ve been experiencing some introspective anxiety. Namely, noticing that when I think about my music, my anxiety starts peaking. Ugh, I know. So boring. The streams of panic, sending whirly moments of fear through my gut; I’m not good enough, I haven’t done enough, I don’t want to do enough. If I don’t want to do enough, then I mustn’t want this.  I’m going to escape, move to New Zealand, sell books.  You see where I’m going with this.  The slow, maddening, endless descent into spiralling negative thoughts. Let me just lie down.

Firstly, I have to be very careful that I don’t take my reluctance to do something as a sign from the universe that I’m on the wrong track. The universe, sometimes, doesn’t know shit about it. I put too much stock in the universe and all its power at the dawning of 2019 and look where that got me. Alright, all the way out to LA, but I came back, didn’t I? Quite clearly something (that I’m not going to talk about, because it doesn’t actually matter, honest) didn’t pan out as it was supposed to.

But I set my intentions! I rode the wave of acceptance! I was grateful! 

Come off it. Nah. Sometimes shit doesn’t pan out and you either fall hard or get on with it. In the end, I was glad that thing didn’t pan out, because I felt like I’d been freed. Freed from an industry that felt fake and vacuous, freed on my own trudgey path, to do whatever I want on it. I could kick some stones for a while, make some moves. Or, as it happens, stand completely still. But here’s the rub. I’ve been entertaining thoughts of doing other things. I wrote a book a year ago and sat on it for another year, picking it apart, editing, sending to my beta readers. It reawakened a very simple, undemanding love for reading and writing. It doesn’t always make me feel bad when I do it. It is a pure and unadulterated mode escapism. Excuse me while I jump off the world for a sec. Of course, there are days I have no ideas, I can’t pull together any words, and on those days, I feel like a steaming hot pile of turd. But generally, I lie awake at night imagining scenes, characters. I’ve realised I see the world through a writers eyes, always creating stories for people, craving seeing inside someone else’s life, figure out their quirks. Everyone I meet is a character I analyse and flesh out in my head.  I couldn’t quite believe I’d buried this part of me for so long. I challenged myself to finish a novel in a year, and I did it. I finished the thing, just to prove to myself that I had it in me. I can’t tell you how freeing this is. So I started wondering if music had led me down a certain path, because from a young age, I had also craved attention and being on the stage, to perform. In my head, I imagined myself on red carpets and at award shows, even though I learned in my late teens how childish and silly this was. But in the back of my mind, always, I had pictured my life playing out away from Newcastle, away from London even. I guess I existed in a different world than the one I knew, even the one that looked real. It meant if I didn’t make music, or get played on Radio 1, or play the big festivals with the other big guys, or be the one to watch... I would fail. There was nothing else. It was this, or nothing. 

Obviously that mindset had repercussions in the end. So. I’ve given up on all those unrealistic dreams. 

I have no desire to be part of the music industry. Not now, after everything. It’s like I can see through the veil, and on the other side, all I see is poor mental health. I honestly love my life, my little flat, a hot brew after hot bowl food, wasting my life on Netflix but being held by a person I love. That’s all there is for me. Everything else is a bonus. I’m not giving up. I’m just, sort of, giving in. Letting go of the things that don’t make me happy. That includes those dreams, those expectations. The way I see it is, we live in a world that tells us to want more, get more, be endlessly unsatisfied and in a perpetual state of craving. I have wanted this idea for as long as I remember, but the reality is, the idea doesn’t exist.  It’s kind of like planning for a holiday. You’ve booked the flights, the transfers, you know you can get by with the bikinis you already own, but in the back of your mind you’re thinking, I could do with a very specific vest top or skirt or shorts for this holiday, otherwise I’ll be really annoyed not wearing the right thing when you’re climbing the steps from GoT in Dubrovnik, and you’ll have to look back on those pictures knowing that vest top was cropped when you didn’t want it to be. Or you’ve suddenly got a long list of items you need for this holiday, even though you know deep down, it’s about the memories and the respite of being on the actual bloody holiday, not the new travel wallet you bought from Liberties because Marie Claire told you it was a must-have for the holiday season. We’re always being sold stuff, only valuing ourselves through the lens of how everyone else perceives us, and what’s worse is that social media knows exactly what we’re thinking, what we’re tempted by. Instagram reinforces the need for a new cross-body bag for the holiday because you googled it or searched or it on ASOS. So you think, yeah, you know, I do need all that stuff. I need to fulfill my dream version of the holiday otherwise it won’t count.

That’s life. If you boil it right down to a lovely little jus, and drip it down on your unrealistic expectations, you’ll realise you’ve been spending years berating yourself by wanting more, wanting the goal, even wanting more while you have it, while doing everything to forget to be grateful or appreciative to yourself for the work you’ve put in to achieving it already. You’re missing it all while you set your sights ahead.  Dreams about how your life is going to look are a waste of time. Dreams are full of stuff we don’t need. Spend your days with your head in the clouds and you forget how to walk in the street without being hit by a cyclist.

Look, if I can release music and write a book, while being able to go to the pub for a pint and a game of Monopoly cards, and think about the possibility of having a family one day, then I’m happy. Family, people, connections, meaning, that’s what human beings need. It’s what I need, anyway. 

I don’t want the guilt that comes with never quite achieving that perfect version of my life. My life is perfect. It might not look like how I imagined it when I first got my passport, imagining where I’d be in ten years time, but if I spend one more day looking years ahead to that perfect moment, I’d completely miss it. Miss now. I’d miss the fact that my actual life, today, right now, is better than I could have imagined. 

So fuck that, pet.

I’m still recording, and I’m releasing very, very soon. But I’m just going along with it. I’m nervous about playing live, about the music world opening it’s doors to me again. Not sure if I want to step through. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. But what I’ve realised recently is that I can, as a woman, as a person, have it all. I can make my own music, release it, perform it live. I can do session work, I can tour the world with Nitin Sawhney and perform to crowds of thousands, and I can clock out. I can write a book, I can work on a second. I can work in a coffee shop and enjoy it. I can audition for shows. I can stay at home on the PS4 on New Years Eve with my love and have the best time, and not think about how there was no huge monumental moment for me at the end of the decade, only the realisation that I have all I could ever really need. 

There isn’t one line that I have to follow. There isn’t one line you have to follow! Do what makes you happy, and remember what you really need to be so.

Thinking that music was the only thing that I was permitted to do was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I felt that trying my hand at anything else was pushing my luck. Nobody would take me seriously if I spread myself too thin. Jack of all trades, and that. I didn’t even let myself explore to find out how good I am at any of it. I told myself no. I allowed myself to cradle that silly dream of making it (I honestly don’t know what this means any more), for years, and it held me back. There is no making it. There is only work, and today. 

And, anyway, I really don’t make enough money in one of those fields to warrant me only trudging through one. At this point, I have to think realistically, financially. 

I have to hike through them all.

#unrealisticdreams #zeroambition #determination #gratitude #mentalhealthawareness #peakanxiety #mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthblogger

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

#megamind #megamind au idea #story idea #fanfic idea #my writing #i hope tagging shit makes it findable but x doubt

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 068: Get In Loser, We’re Going Shopping

Previously on BnHA: We spent entirely too much time on Mineta and all you need to know is that he passed the final despite my best efforts at sending my Mineta-crushing energy out into the universe. Kirishima, Satou, Mina, and Kaminari did not pass, because sometimes life just hits you hard and shit’s not fair. Aoyama straight up asked Ochako if she was in love with Deku and she was like KYAAAAAA and flew away in embarrassment and ended up handcuffing Thirteen on her way out. I don’t know why we couldn’t have seen Iida and Ojiro’s exam instead of Mineta’s, but they also passed. Basically everyone did except the four I already mentioned. And Tomura made a couple of new friends.

Today on BnHA: Tomura meets Dabi and Toga and tries to kill them! Kurogiri sets him straight and Tomura slinks off to sulk. Aizawa announces that Kaminari, Kirishima, Mina, Satou, and Sero have all failed the exam, but that everyone will be going to the training lodge anyway because he loves plot twists. The kids of class A (minus a few holdouts) go to the mall. Everyone splits up. Deku meets some creepy guy in a hoodie. The creepy guy in the hoodie turns out to be fucking Tomura because of course it is.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 137 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

  apparently Tomura doesn’t like his new friends

“it seems like the two types I hate the most came as a goddamn set” lol. and that’s saying a lot coming from a guy who so far seems to hate mostly everything

basically he doesn’t like bubbly creepy girls or rude assholes

dude even you have to admit they’re better than Stain though

Kurogiri says they should hear them out and that the guy that introduced them is a fairly influential broker. so that’s the hipster guy we saw earlier

this guy wants Kuro to pay him either way lol

okay so now they’re being introduced

holy shit

blood-draining. that’s nice

her name is Toga. she’s crazy and she likes killing things

and now he’s introducing Inside Out. this guy is extremely intriguing to me already and he hasn’t even said anything yet. let’s see what he’s all about

lol I already like him. he reminds me of that redshirt bad guy in Iron Man 3 who surrendered to Tony without a fight and was all “I hate working here anyway”

his name is Dabi. or rather, he says that right now he goes by that name

Tomura wants to know his real name and he’s like, ~too bad~

(ETA: okay so I know that there is a prominent fan theory about this guy’s true identity due to his quirk, his appearance, and the fact that he keeps his real name under tight wraps. and also, I think, due to one particularly odd moment in chapter 82. but I’m gonna refrain from commenting about said theory until I’m caught up with the manga, since I’d like to have the full picture first. as of now, my feelings on this are a solid, “I guess he could be?”)

I really like this guy. even though his name immediately made me think, “MASTER HAS GIVEN ME A SOCK”

to be honest I’d be a whole lot more on board with you doing it than him

uh oh Tomura is triggered by someone talking about Stain. he’s probably the only guy who hates him more than I do lol

wow this motherfucker is charging at my man Dabi now with full intent to disintegrate him for no reason

oh damn

thanks for that, Kurogiri. keeping that peace. Villain Mom

interesting panels showing all three of their hands here

obviously we already know Tomura’s quirk (or part of it), but Dabi’s hand is definitely doing something here too. and Toga’s holding a knife that she seems to have produced out of nowhere. she reminds me of that crazy bodyguard girl in Kill Bill

Kuro’s telling the kids to stop fighting in the backseat

he says Tomura need to expand their organization if he wants to achieve his goals

??

fine, be that way you cryptic assholes

(ETA: it’s a little more clear in the Viz version and the anime subs that he was talking about Stain. basically, take advantage of the PR push he gave you, even if you don’t like that it came from him.)

now Tomura’s storming off, presumably to sulk

ah well. as far as things go, that probably could have been worse

the broker guy is saying that Tomura is too young. yep. but he’s All for One’s son so what are you gonna do

(ETA: he’s adopted)

Kurogiri is so fucking polite and smooth

this is why I said he was a doctor

cut to U.A.!

aww

no lodge for you

Deku is trying to give them hope but Kaminari’s not having it

did he actually poke Deku in the fucking eye

here comes Aizawa!

so they’re all sitting down to wait for their exam results

Aizawa says some of them have failed

oh my god

THIS FUCKING GUY. I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T LET KAMI AND KIRI AND MINA BE LEFT OUT OF THE ANTICS. AND SATOU TOO EVEN THOUGH HIS PERSONALITY HASN’T BEEN AS WELL-ESTABLISHED YET. THAT’S WHAT LODGE ANTICS ARE FOR!!

Aizawa says that everyone passed the written exam, but that the aforementioned four and also Sero (who fell asleep) failed the practical

haha

he just wants to make it clear that all of the senseis could kick their asses, so don’t go thinking you’re hot shit

this fucking guy

did All Might get that memo lol

yay I’m so happy

Iida’s standing up and says that if Aizawa keeps pulling this shit, they’re never going to fucking trust him again

Aizawa is like yeah, true, I’ll think about that

he’s not going to think about anything. he’s going to keep right on pulling this shit

he does say that things are gonna be rougher for the kids that failed, and that they’ll have supplemental lessons

but I agree with Ojiro here!

except for Mineta! but we can just pretend like he’s not there!

they all need to go out and buy some of the things on their packing list, so Hagakure suggests that they all go shopping together!

look at these cute reaction bubbles omfg

(ETA: Mineta’s bubble was so conveniently placed for me to crop him out, how nice)

Bakugou’s mom buys all his stuff, sorry Kirishima

THE KIDS ARE AT THE MALL

THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE WHY DID KHR NEVER DO STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS

I HOPE THEY’RE NOT SWARMED BY THE MEDIA

I’M SAD MY ANTISOCIAL EXPLODEY SON OPTED OUT AND MY GENTLE GOLDILOCKS SON WENT TO VISIT HIS MOM BUT OH WELL

HAS IIDA EVER LOOKED MORE FORTY YEARS OLD IN HIS LIFE THAN HERE IN THIS PANEL WHERE HE’S WEARING A POLO SHORT AND SLACKS AND CARRYING A MESSENGER BAG

FUCKING LISTEN TO THESE SALES PITCHES OMFG

YOU WITH THE MASSIVE CALVES!!!!

LMAO HE PROBABLY WAS LOOKING TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF KHAKIS

Deku’s looking around excitedly like he’s never been to the fucking mall before

oh shit, barely two minutes there and they’ve already been recognized

probably would have been even worse with Todoroki and Bakugou there

GASP

I’m a simple girl. I see a panel of these two being lesbians, I click the “like” button

Kirishima suggests that they split up, and all of a sudden Deku and Ochako are all alone and being cute and awkward

dammit Aoyama you broke her

now that she’s off on her own she’s thinking “that’s not it... probably!”

okay. it would be fine if it was, but I ship you more with Iida and Deku’s in love with Kacchan so

hmm there’s a panel of Deku all alone surrounded by people and feeling vaguely unsettled

how eerie

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hasldkghalsihoihlk

holy fucking shit. right out in the fucking open. he’s got his bare hand on him. he could kill him instantly right here

shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit SHIT SHIT SHIT

I’M FREAKING OUT??!?!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SHIT

HOW DID PEOPLE READ THIS CLIFFHANGER AND SURVIVE FOR THE WHOLE FOLLOWING WEEK HOLY SHIT

 the bonus is just a quick blurb about Toga and how difficult she is to draw. you really think I care about that right now??? jesus.

(ETA: actually it was apparently supposed to be the Mineta costume page for this chapter, and the Toga page for the next chapter. of course, I’m even less interested in the intricacies of Mineta’s costume. so)

#bnha #boku no hero academia #shigaraki tomura #toga himiko #dabi #aizawa shouta #uraraka ochako #midoriya izuku #makeste reads bnha #I know I give stain endless grief #but I do appreciate that he inspired all these new villains to join the league #I pretty much love all of the next arc's villains without exception #and these two are especially great