#mine might take a while bc I get hung up on designs and have a lot of work to do otherwise so art isnt being done a lot but- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hiddles-evans-hallucinations · 4 years

Text

Show Me

Request: “can i request? reader is typically not that affectionate but would cuddle&sometimes sit on someones lap when shes drunk. Lately Chris is alway the ones she goes to when drunk bc hes always nice to her&goes along with it but one day she overhears him kinda complaining about it so shes stops going to him and instead goes to tom holland since the two are close from working together and are about the same age. After a while Chris starts noticing that she doesn’t go to him anymore and gets jealous” - By Anon

Pairing: Chris Evans x Famous Reader

Genre: Fluff, Young-adults,

Warnings: 18+, sensitive background, explicit language, age gap

Note: Oh another famous reader and all that, I love eeht! Thank you for the request! My request are still open btw! And please also let me know if you want your request to be short or long. Hope you enjoy this!

Tag list: @patzammit - tag list are open! Lemme know through my inbox! <3

*gifs are not mine*

You were known by the public because your dad is an actor, even though you don’t go out with paparazzi, a lot of friends are way more famous than you. Famous like your dad or even more. Like Tom Holland, Chris Evans, Justin Bieber, Sebastian Stan, and also because you dated some famous people in the past, Chris Pine, Orlando Bloom, Nicholas Hoult and Niall Horan. You are a very social person but those who knows you well know enough that you are not affectionate enough, it just happens when you’re drunk; a complete clingy and lovey dovey person. And you agreed that it’s one of the reason why your past relationships never worked out.

You agreed to go to Ellen’s birthday party and when it comes to Ellen’s parties, you know you’re gonna get fucked up. You never know how she keeps it up, and she knows for sure that you’re not a lightweight drinker, a heavy one if you have to say but it all come crashing down when she’s the one that’s hosting the party.

“Aw shit.” you said over the phone when she called, you are just around the corner near her house. “I’m about to go home.” you added as you hear Ellen’s laugh with the music blasting in the background.

“Hey, come on! It’s my birthday!”

“Fine!” You said, Portia take over the phone and say, “I can’t believe you’re about to say no to your godmother.” oh and Ellen is your godmother.

“Fine, fine! I’m pulling over!”

You hung up and look down at what you’re wearing. You frown, you were just done with work; you’re a fashion designer who owns your own clothing brand. You know that when it’s Ellen’s birthday, the paparazzi would follow you to your office that day in downtown LA.

When you were about to walk out of your car, Tom calls.

You answer by not saying anything, he hates it when you do it. “Where are you?” he asks as you spray perfume all over you. “Ellen’s.” “Oh, I’m almost there too!”

You raise your brow at him. “She invites you?”

“I think it was a mistake, she was talking to RDJ and I happen to be there in the middle of them talking-”

“Oh my god, bye.”

“See you, my darling!”

You roll your eyes and hung up at him. You know where to park at Ellen’s, it’s basically your second home and you don’t need a valet to take your car for you.

You walk in greeted by Portia. “Beyonce is here.” she whispers.

“No way?”

“Yes way!” she squealed, knowing that you love Beyonce so much, your mouth hangs open.

Ellen pecks your head, “Happy birthday, godmother.” you joked as she rolled her eyes at you.

You walk into the bar and get yourself gin and tonic as a hand landed on your back, you turn around and find Sebastian Stan. “What’s up, lady!” he screamed. You smiled and find a lot of the Avengers actors is here, you spotted Chris looking at you across the room. You partied with these guys more than anyone, since you’re only a year older than Tom, you spend a lot of your time socializing and not touching people. Seb used to say, “LOL at you cause hugging is good for you.” but you can’t help it, your parents divorced because your mom was so abusive, and since then you never liked it when people touches you.

Seb says, "Your dance partner is right there." he pointed his head to Chris' direction. You flushed, your head went back to the text Anthony Mackie sent you where you were dancing all night with Chris and got a little bit too comfortable. Every time you party and there’s Chris, you don’t know why you’re always open to be affectionate and it only happens when you’re drunk.

“(Y/N)!” Tom screamed from across the room, you were sure that everyone who heard him gave him a look. You give him a one-arm hug, he laughed knowing that this is as far as you can get and it’s still progress. You worked with Tom before and have become closer after and it’s also because you’re the same age as him, just a year older.

After you said hi to everyone, Chris smiled at you, you blushed.

How embarrassing is this, (Y/N)? You said to yourself as Anthony came in with tequila shots. You shot him a look and he smirks, “Come on, we wanna see you dance like few weeks ago. I heard you still do ballet? No wonder why you can move like that, they say.. girls who ballet will shake that ass and bring a shock therapy to men like us.” Your eyes shot open that it almost fell out of it place.

“Jesus Christ, Anthony, what the fuck?” You said taking the shot from his hand and shoot it down your throat. “Hey, come on, you can dance, embrace it.” he was about to put his arms around you but know your boundaries.

“Oops, okay, hug you later.” he hands you another shot.

After eight-glasses of gin and tonic, one screwdriver, too many tequila shots, you finally take off your outer and started to make your way to Anthony who’s pulling the invisible robe to his way. You threw your head back, as you walk to the dance floor, everyone cheers you as you laugh.

Chris looks at you, licking his lower lip, young blood, he thought, every time (Y/N) gets to this point, she dances like no other, and when she grinds on him, he wants to do things to her. And he knows that she dances with everyone platonically but sometimes he wish more.

“Girls have fun” by Tyga started to play in the background, you were dancing with a glass in hand, Seb lights up his cigarette as Anthony dance enjoying himself and the music.

You saw Chris sitting down, you walk to him and grab both of his hands but he’s way stronger than you so you fall onto his lap. This is what the picture looked like at the party few weeks ago. You find yourself wrapping your hands around his neck as he chuckles. When you sat on his lap it could be all night, you’d have conversations and he even stayed at your place, doing nothing but cuddling.

You both are friends and you guys hang out a lot, partying together a lot, so you see it as a platonic gesture when you’re affectionate and clingy towards him when you’re drunk. Tom was one of the victim of your drunk clinginess, he still does sometimes but when he’s not in LA and every party you attend there’s Chris and he’s the closest friend you have out of everyone in the room, mostly.

“I got more money than her ex!” people sang the line of “Nothin’ Like Me” by Chris Brown as you drag Chris to the dance floor, your hands wrapped around his. He laughed and just when he place both his hands on your waist the music changed to “Beware” by Big Sean.

This is yours, Mackie’s and Chris’ favorite song to sing out at parties.

Okay, skeet, smoke Sleep, call Miss, text Woke, spoke Lie, feel, Lisa ew Time, kill, months, still.

“I got somebody baby calling me daddy!” Anthony and Chris shouted.

They look at you to finish the other line as you scrunch your hair up and sang, “I drink too much please call me a cabby.” they both laughed at you, the room smells like nothing but alcohol. The music never seem to stop.

All of you went to sit to talk, you sit in between Tom and Chris, you rest your head on Chris’ shoulder. But when you were about to get water, you feel dizzy and landed on Chris’ lap. “Oh this is comfortable, as always.” you slurred.

Chris looks at (Y/N) as she sits on his lap, he enjoys it usually, but now it’s getting annoying, she just keeps sitting on his lap, and it only happens when she’s drunk, she feels like she’s doing this to take advantage of him and not caring about what he might feels of this.

“Okay, I got to go home.”

Chris sighs in relief as (Y/N) make her way out after hugging everyone and kissing his cheek.

I don’t know how long she’s gonna keep it up, Chris thought.

. . . .

A month have passed since Ellen’s birthday party, you were fucked the next morning and you keep on telling everyone at your HQ to stop screaming when they’re not. You drink coffee like a lunatic at meetings and you never want to take your shades off that day.

Tonight, you’re in New York, and you are invited by Seb, he said it’s kind of a Marvel casts party but everyone’s bring everybody, it’s kind of intimate party but not really, the party where everyone know each other, so, why not invite you when you’re also in town.

You can see paparazzi outside as you walk in covering your face. You were wearing the same outfit from opening another store in Manhattan and you didn’t want to change because it’s too much work.

“Looking good, Miss (Y/L/N)!” The paparazzi called out but you ignore him.

You walk out of the elevator of the penthouse and Scarlett Johansson pulls you in for a hug immediately, not caring about you think and also because she’s already tipsy. “Why are you late?! Everyone is almost drunk!” you laughed, trying to ignore the fact that she’s still hugging you now.

You notice that it’s not as crowded as you thought it’d be.

You excuse yourself to go the bathroom to fix your makeup. You open the door and leans closer on the mirror to check on your makeup. You reapply your lipstick and add some more blush just slightly.

You were putting your things back to your clutch when you hear Chris’ and Anthony’s voice.

“Is (Y/N) gonna be here?” Chris asks.

“Yeah, Scarlett told me she’s already here.”

Chris groans, you stop yourself from being seen by them. “What’s up with you?”

“It’s just, when she’s drunk, she’s like clingy and sitting on my lap and stuff, it gets... annoying.” your heart sinks.

You’re trying to not be so hard on yourself and say, “Told ya, it’s gonna be like this when you’re affectionate.” to yourself.

“Dude? What? Anyone will take her, but remember, you know her. Platonic Evans... Platonic.” You hear their footsteps fades as you walk out.

You were avoiding Chris the whole night, you stayed with Tom and talk with RDJ, Scarlett and Mark. The party isn’t as loud as Ellen’s, everyone can still talk to each other without yelling.

You’ve been drinking and you can feel it hits fast and right. “I’m sorry if I’m gonna be handsy and clingy to you.” You said to Tom. Tom looks at you weird, “What? You are the person that everyone waits to get drunk so they can have your arms all around you.” he pulls you into his lap as you continue to talk.

Chris watches you from across the room, he knows when your eyes are different from all the alcohol, you’ll be where you are right now. But, he feels something was off. You didn’t say hi to him, you waited for Mackie to come to you to say hi, you talk with Seb then to everybody but him. Usually, this time you’d take his hands to dance or you’d just sit on his lap, but not tonight. You hold onto Tom, talking to him, laughing with him.

Chris would see it as normal, but tonight because you’re avoiding and he noticed it, it feels different. He wanted to be Tom or at least get you away from Tom.

You feel sick, and Tom can feel it. He turns you around so you are facing as he ask, “You okay?” you shook your head no.

“Have you eaten today?”

“No.”

“Why? That’s why you’re off too fast.” he said, rubbing your back. Chris sees how your skirt lifts up a little bit too high revealing your thighs when Tom shifts you around to face him.

I don’t like what I see, Chris thought to himself.

You rest your head against Tom’s cheeks, Anthony walks in and mouth “Is she okay?” Tom chuckles, shaking his head no as he continues to rub your back. Anthony grabs you a glass of water and hands it to Tom.

But, before he can give it to you, you feel like everything’s gonna come out.

You sit up straight and say, “I need to go.” covering your mouth, Chris was fast and you didn’t even know where you came from as he throw you over his shoulder and take you to the closest restroom.

You can feel your head spinning those drinks you just counted keeps on adding up and not to mention, you’re in this state fast because you haven’t eat and you drink with your usual amount of serving.

Chris holds up your hair as everything came out through your throat that feel nothing but bitterness and sourness. Oh, great, you thought.

He helped you up once you’re done, but you avoid his eyes still. You wash your mouth, opening the drawer and find a new toothbrush and brush your teeth and tongue.

You feel disgusting from all the vomit.

Chris looks at you, wondering what happened all these weeks you two went to party together all touchy but tonight, you’re so distant.

Once you’re done brushing your teeth, Chris said, “come.” you just look at him through the mirror before turning to him.

He holds out his hand but you rejeted his offer by gesturing him lead-the-way with your hands.

Chris took you to the kitchen that’s far from all of the crowds. “Here, drink this.” he hands you a cup of americano.

“Thanks.” you said, grabbing your phone out of your clutch, only finding that it’s already 2 AM.

You text back your friends, and texted Tom back.

T: I’m going. Please, let me know when you’re home.

(Y/N): Sobering up, thank you. See you soon.

You keep on finding apps to open to avoid Chris’ eyes that seems to never leave you out his sight. You don’t feel anything but embarrassed, and you want this to stop; being all touchy and affectionate only when you’re intoxicated.

“Look at me,”

You ignore him, opening Instagram and uploads a picture of you and Tom drinking together as RDJ posed with his arms crossed over his chest on your Insta Story.

“(Y/N).”

“What?” You said looking up to him, placing your phone on the counter. Chris holds up his hands in defeat hearing your tone. You look down, ashamed. You’re full on sober now, but you hate the fact that you are because now you have to talk to him.

Chris said, “I don’t like seeing you with Tom like that.” you give him a are-you-serious look.

“Why? Are you jealous?” You scoff.

“Yeah, I think I am jealous.”

“You think? I thought it’s annoying when I sit on your lap and be all handsy.”

His eyes widens. “Wha.. what?”

“I heard you, Evans, and I’m fucking sorry I did all of that and made you uncomfortable, I couldn’t fucking help it, but you don’t really have to say that.” you said, you never even confront anyone, you avoid conflicts, but you feel like you need to say it to him since you both are friends.

Chris make his way to you as you lean against the counter. “I’m sorry you have to hear that, I know, I know, I’m a dick for saying those things. But..” he place a hand on your waist as you hold your breath trying to not panic.

“Why are you only doing it when there’s alcohol involved? You know I’d want you to do it and be okay with it when you’re not intoxicated.”

You roll your eyes at him, “Chris, you know me long enough to know I can’t have people touching me.” He briefly looks at your lips then back to you.

“And whatever it is with Tom is none of your business.” you added, but you don’t shifts away from his hand on you.

“I’m sorry, but I still don’t like it.”

“Well, you don’t like it either when I’m on you, so.” you shrug, looking away. Chris turns you around and press your body against his so close that you gasps. “I don’t like you on me when you’re intoxicated, but this..” he breathes against your neck.

“I’m here for it.”

You find yourself smiling. “So, you’re jealous?” he nodded as he rest his chin on the side of your head, he’s too tall to have his chin on your shoulder.

You take a deep breath to place your hand on top of him. “I am, very much. I might have to show you how jealous I am.”

You gasp and turn to him. “Oh no, you’re not.”

Chris chuckled, amused before cupping your face. “People desire your touch and I long for it with you in a state like this.” he leans forward, his face is an inch away from you.

“So, please, my request, specifically, don’t do it with other guys.”

“Well, you don’t like it with you-”

He cuts you off by pressing his lips together against yours.

While the one hand’s caressing your face, the other hand trails on the side of your thigh, trailing up to the inside of your skirt.

“You’re mine, now.” he murmurs against your lips.

“Show me then.”

42 notes · View notes

godsg111rl · 2 years

Text

3/9 mega rant and spiel.

Okay y’all, this rant won’t have a head or tail (Liberian saying for pointless essentially lmao). But I have a lot to get off my chest and haven’t had the time to unpack in a while. & I know I called this a rant which usually has a negative undertone to it, but this isn’t ALL bad.

1. So do y’all remember when I said I was trying to manifest the promotion of a lifetime on here? Out of fear of jinxing it I won’t speak too much on it… but the ball is rolling and in my court and favor at that. I’m so nervous yet so full of hope because I know God is bringing me this. I have prayed and waited for a chance just like this one since graduation and now…. wow……. I can’t believe it’s here. 4 years later. By God’s grace.

2. I hung out with my college friends this weekend and it was….a bit unfamiliar... But in all of the right ways. I think for the longest time I’ve beat myself up about not being where I feel I’m supposed to be at……….. or better put, where I see my peers and namely my friends at in life. They are lawyers, master engineers, pharmacists, etc.. and then there’s me… the entrepreneur. The one with nothing set in stone or solid. My life and income can change overnight. But they have stability which is something I’ve craved more and more over the years.

Truth is, I rarely get to see my college friends. They live in Florida, NY, and even ATL that’s a few miles down the street feels like a country away from them at times. They’re living their lives as I am mine. Sonder. But This reunion was a reminder to me that all that glitters isn’t gold and to continue on the path designed for no one else but me.

See while I was busy kicking myself for already being down, I failed to realize that I was spending needed time with myself. Getting to know myself. While I was witnessing friends move out of state, buy the land, build the houses, attain another degree, etc… what I failed to realize was the fact that I was learning how to cultivate peace within to be more receptive to such blessings. I didn’t appreciate the time I had to myself that allowed me to process all of my trauma, take accountability for my role in my own downfall, make peace with that which burdened me, and truly have the opportunity to reinvent myself from the inside out into someone that’s ready for the title, ready for the role, ready for the responsibility, ready for the bond, ready for SO much.

I am healed which is something a lot of people cannot say no matter how much money their name is tied to. I have peace within. And because of that, I’ll no longer compare my now to the next person’s. Because I know better.

3. I am learning that just because I love people doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice things such as my peace of mind on their behalf. I am frankly exhausted when it comes to people using me as a human diary. I love being present for my people but when being present turns into being burdened, I don’t like that.

And what I don’t like even more is that I never know the right way to express myself in those circumstances. Bc at the end of the day, it’s my own lack of boundaries & enforcing them that makes others feel so comfortable. On one hand, telling people to relax isn’t a big deal. On the other hand I’ve been burdened with a spirit of not wanting to hurt people’s feelings since I was a kid and so I often try to skate around anything that might hurt someone else’s heart.

But no one does that for me. That used to upset me but maybe I can learn something from other people’s selfishness when it comes to establishing my own boundaries.

4. Relationships with the male species really makes me sick lmaooo. And I say this as if I don’t talk to one man but still… I remember a time where I genuinely gave a fuck about wanting to be in a relationship. But granted the last time that happened I was STILL going through puberty and wearing bifocals lmaooooo.

I just don’t think anyone deserves me right now in life and that’s the problem. I’m too well put together to be honest. Too well balanced. Too self aware. Too much of a ‘know-it-all’ (read: emotionally intelligent). Too rare…. Period. I just feel like I have too much to offer and put on the table and I haven’t met anyone deserving…

And I don’t think I’m concerned about that either. I have real shit to do. I’m trying to be a judge by the time I’m categorized as a geriatric. That deserves more of my time and commitment than a lot of things right now. Including relationships.

5. My pussy ass finally worked up the strength to tell my dad that I’m grown and don’t need him taking me on a shopping trip like some chaperone lmaoooooooo. Joke’s on me though because as it turns out, he didn’t even want to go shopping with me. He had only simply planned on letting me max out his credit card because he didn’t have cash readily avail lmaoooo.

So now, he’s going to zelle me this weekend and I can go by myself! I’m going to share my good news about my promotion with him so hopefully he sends me a little extra cash lmaoooo. Work smarter not harder yall.

0 notes

transssexualheart · 7 years

Note

Hey b I know you like asks so answer all 200 because I'm just that nice :^)

FUCK THATS SO MANY

200: my crush’s name is:as if you all don’t know at this point. it’s sarah

199: i was born in:2002

198: i am really:gay

197: my cellphone company is: i’m so fuckin stupid i’m not sure what the question is asking

196: my eye color is: brown

195: my shoe size is:eight and a half/nine

194: my ring size is:i don’t wear rings

193: my height is:5′5

192: i am allergic to:nothing

191: my first car was:never had a car

190: my first job was:never had a job

189: last book you read:hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy

188: my bed is:small

187: my pet:is a beautiful orange cat named danny and i love her

186: my best friend:is lovely

185: my favorite shampoo is:i don’t care

184: xbox or ps3:i’ve never played a ps3 so i guess xbox

183: piggy banks are:ok??? why are we trying to start piggy bank discourse

182: in my pockets:are trash

181: on my calendar:i don’t use a calendar

180: marriage is:alright?? i’d get married if my partner wanted to

179: spongebob can:?? exist??

178: my mom:is not very nice

177: the last three songs i bought were?uhhh i havent bought music in a while idk

176: last yt video i watched:for him.

175: how many cousins do you have?fuck dude. so many. i don’t know.

174: do you have any siblings?two, a brother and a sister

173: are your parents divorced?well my parents tried to get divorced but my dad died before it actually got worked out and my mom and my stepdad aren’t married and have never been so

172: are you taller than your mom?i believe so

171: do you play an instrument?yeah, piano

170: what did you do yesterday?not much, just sat around and then walked in circles around my house for hours and then hung out with my siblings in the yard

[do you believe in]

169: love at first site:no, what if that pretty girl u saw on the street is an asshole?? what if she’s racist and homophobic dude u don’t know her

168: luck:sure

167: fate:yeah i guess

166: yourself:haha no

165: aliens:ya

164: heaven:idk

163: hell:idk

162: god:idk!!

161: horoscopes:idk they’re fun to look at

160: soul mates: i’d like to believe in soul mates

159: ghosts:idk

158: gay marriage:gay marriage isn’t a fuckinhg cryptid, yes i believe in it i’m gay and i’m gonna probably get married

157: war:god fuck i don’t know

156: orbs:??????????

155: magic:could be real, might not be, who knows

[this or that]

154: hugs or kisses:kisses

153: drunk or high:never been either so

152: phone or online:phone, can text my friends whom i lov

151: red heads or black haired:black haired i guess

150: blondes or brunettes:someone’s gonna get sad when i answer this but brunettes

149: hot or cold:i don’t know actually

148: summer or winter:summer, it’s better than having seasonal depression added onto my normal depression

147: autumn or spring: spring

146: chocolate or vanilla:vanilla

145: night or day:night

144: oranges or apples:apples

143: curly or straight hair:curly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

142: mcdonalds or burger king:don’t really eat at either but if i had to choose, mcdonalds

141: white chocolate or milk chocolate?white chocolate

140: mac or pc:pc

139: flip flops or high heels:high heels

138: ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:wtf

137: coke or pepsi:don’t really drink soda

136: hillary or obama:man i don’t know too much about politics all i know is that i’d choose hillary over trump any day

135: buried or cremated:man i’m not sure,, i guess i’d prefer to be cremated Please Rid The World Of My Horrible Body

134: singing or dancing:singing

133: coach or chanel:i have like fifty cents do you think i can afford that shit

132: kat mcphee or taylor hicks:who

131: small town or big city:i love the city, maybe that’s because i live in a small town but i love the city

130: wal mart or target:target

129: ben stiller or adam sandler: idk

128: manicure or pedicure:well i don’t want anyone touching my feet i don’t even like taking my socks off around friends unless i very much trust them

127: east coast or west coast:well i live on the east coast so

126: your birthday or christmas:my bday bc we go on vacation for it bc it’s over the summer

125: chocolate or flowers:flowers

124: disney or six flags:never been to disney so six flags

123: yankees or red sox:sport???

[here’s what i think about]

122: war:didn’t another question p much ask the same thing

121: george bush:idk??

120: gay marriage:p much already been asked bud

119: the presidential election:not my president can’t believe u fuckers let trump win

118: abortion:if someone wants an abortion, they should be able to get it. no one else should have a monopoly over that, not even the father, because their body does not belong to him.

117: myspace:never used it

116: reality tv:eh

115: parents:some are good, mine i am not fans of

114: back stabbers:i don’t think i’ve ever really been backstabbed

113: ebay:it’s ok?

112: facebook:don’t really use it

111: work:don’t have a job

110: my neighbors:i don’t talk to them much but everytime we go near their dogs on the otherside of the fence they call the dogs back or pull them away one of the kids went “haha you can’t touch our dogs” and?? idk why??

109: gas prices:i don’t drive

108: designer clothes:can’t afford them

107: college:haven’t been

106: sports:Throw Ball

105: my family:my sister is lovely, my brother is really mean, and my parents are also p mean like i don’t realize sometimes until i tell something they said and they’re like “??? that’s really not ok??”

104: the future:hasn’t happened yet how would i know

[last time i]

103: hugged someone:earlier today i hugged my aunt because she’s over for easter

102: last time you ate:just ate a tootsie roll a lil bit ago

101: saw someone i haven’t seen in a while:i guess the only person i haven’t seen very recently is spence and the last time i saw him was a few weeks ago

100: cried in front of someone:long time ago

99: went to a movie theater: went to see beauty and the beast a while back but i don’t remember exactly when that was

98: took a vacation: last summer

97: swam in a pool:last summer at my aunt’s probably

96: changed a diaper:many years

95: got my nails done:i painted a clear coat on them a lil while back does that count

94: went to a wedding:year or so ago?

93: broke a bone:never broken any bones

92: got a piercing:when i was like five

91: broke the law:idk

90: texted:a few mins ago

[misc]

89: who makes you laugh the most:hahah. u

88: something i will really miss when i leave home is:oh man. all my friends, hubbard hall, the school playground, as much as i wanna leave this town i’ll probably cry leaving it behind

87: the last movie i saw:moana!

86: the thing that i’m looking forward to the most:death

85: the thing i’m not looking forward to:school starting again

83: the most difficult thing to do is:tell someone you’re in love with them

82: i have gotten a speeding ticket:never??

81: my zodiac sign is:leo

80: the first person i talked to today was:probably my mom

79: first time you had a crush:seventh grade

78: the one person u can’t hide anything from:apparently you because u always figure me out

77: last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, spence was talking about how his bf had big hands and i said “u know what they say” and i was about to say “big gloves” but he beat me to it

76: right now i am talking to:i’m not talking i’m typing

75: what are you going to do when you grow up:idk

74: i have/will get a job:i don’t?? know??

73: tomorrow:is easter

72: today:is not easter

71: next summer:??

70: next weekend:idk man??

69: i have these pets:one cat, two fish

68: the worst sound in the world:chEWING

67: the person that makes me cry the most is:haha

66: people that make you happy:my friends

65: last time i cried:about a month ago

64: my friends are:the best!!!

63: my computer is:alright

62: my school:is the fucking worse

61: my car:is non existent

60: i lose all respect for people who:support trump

59: the movie i cried at was:i cried over the shitty mario movie when i was seven

58: your hair color is: dark brown

57: tv shows you watch:i don’t really watch tv

56: fav website:i dont kno

55: your dream vacation:to go to the beach with friends

54: the worst pain i was ever in was:emotional

53: how do you like your steak cooked:well not burnt

52: my room is:alright

51: my fav celebrity is:does dan avidan count? he still holds a special place in my heart

50: where would you like to be:my answers for these kinds of qs are always so gay

49: do you want children:used to not want them, but i guess depending on the person i’d have them with i MIGHT

48: ever been in love:ya

47: who’s your best friend:asdgkjgf

46: more guy friends or more girl friends:many of us are nb

45: one thing that makes you feel great is:being loved

44: one person you wish you could see right now:u know, u all know who

43: do you have a five year plan:???????

42: have you made a list of the things to do before u die:1. kiss a girlthat’s it

41: have you prenamed your children:no

40: last person i got mad at:probably my brother

39: i would like to move to:nyc

38: i wish i was a professional:animator

[my favs]

37: candy:sweedish fish and jolly ranchers

36: vehicle:idk

35: president:i only remember obama

34: state visited:idk

33: cellphone provider:also idk

32: athlete:don’t pay attention to sports

31: actor:i don’t freakin know

30: actress:well,

29: singer:wELL,,

28: band:not sure

27: clothing store:idk

26: grocery store:hannaford??

25: tv show:no idea

24: movie:so many good movies

23: website:i think this was already asked??

22: animal:not sure

21: theme park:only ever been to like one

20: holiday:xmas

19: sport to watch:uhh i guess soccer?? i’ll actually understand whats happening so

18: sport to play:also soccer

17: magazine:don’t read them

16: book:carry on

15: day of the week:saturday

14: beach:no specific one i just like the beach

13: concert attended:only ever been to one, it was a top concert

12: thing to cook:grilled cheese

11: food:not sure

10: restaurant:idk

9: radio station:don’t really listen to the radio

8: yankee candle scent:??? idk???

7: perfume:don’t really wear it

6: flower:roses or tiger lillies

5: color:blue

4: talk show host:i don’t know??

3: comedian:bo burnham

2: dog breed:shiba inu

1: did you answer all of these truthfully?ya

i didn’t move the whole time i answered all 200 help me

#ask tag

1 note · View note

msbunky · 6 years

Text

Hi, how are you?

How are you doing?

How are you feeling these days?

Oh boy…do you ever get those loaded questions? I do and as much as I appreciate that people care and want to know how I am, I also wonder if these are “polite” questions, or do these people genuinely want to know how I am. It’s so hard to know how to answer. So, generally, I respond with, “I’m doing okay thanks”.

But what if I told the truth?

The truth is, I’m struggling right now. I’m struggling physically with pain and exhaustion and I’m struggling with my blogging and I’m struggling with feeling lonely and housebound, but I’m pretty sure no one really wants to hear about all that when they ask me how I’m doing so I don’t tell them.

But I’m going to tell you.

I’m averaging about 2-3 hours of sleep a night right now. I manage about 45-60 minutes at a time and then I wake up. I feel like I’ve slept for hours, but I look at the clock and barely any time has passed at all. I’ve always struggled with insomnia and I’m going to be trying some new meditation music, but it’s frustrating to not be able to get decent rest. It doesn’t allow my body to heal, which contributes to my overall pain. As I type this, I can feel my hands and legs and feet throbbing with pain. It’s almost like a drumbeat – thump THUMP thump thump, thump THUMP thump thump, thump THUMP thump thump, over and over again. My legs muscles feel tight and almost crampy and my fingers and toes feel swollen. My back is tight and tense and I can also feel the tension in my jaw and neck. My vision is blurry and I can feel the spot just under my cheekbone where my Trigeminal Neuralgia flares up – it’s gently pulsing, almost like it’s teasing me.

Now, I don’t tell you this to ask for sympathy. It’s just stating the facts. The same as I’m struggling right now to come up with various subject matter to blog about. With two blogs on the go now, I’m working at how to monetize one of them, and keep this one for posting on. I’m taking some courses about how to make money blogging and I’ve signed up to review a couple of courses as well. In the midst of that, I’m also taking a general writing course, plus I’ve applied for a new volunteer position – another committee that I’d like to be a part of. I’ll be back to work on one of my current committee assignments soon, which I’ll write about, but it still leaves me struggling with core subjects to blog about. It’s not for a lack of writing prompts, that’s for sure. Generally, what happens is I get an idea in the wee hours of the morning and then I write like crazy and bang out a post in about 30 minutes. It happens when I write poetry too. It just comes to me, I don’t plan it. When I wrote Wistful Thinking, I literally had the idea and the concept and completed poem done in 10 minutes.

The other issue is that I’m housebound for the most part. It’s because I don’t do enough to get out and about, because of pain and exhaustion (and because I’m busy blogging). Well, no more excuses for that. I just bought a new walker/rollator to get me out moving again. She’s a pretty silver/blue Xpresso and I’ve named her Bluebird:

Isn’t she lovely!! So much nicer than my old one, as there are no exposed cables, the basket is deeper, the seat is thicker and so is the backrest, and the wheels are designed to go over gravel and other rough surfaces. The handle area is large and smooth and she rolls beautifully, plus it’s still a one-handed close…I just pull up on the handle in the middle of the seat and voila! she folds sideways, so easy to transport when needed on the bus!! Hopefully, this will be the incentive to get me out and about more often…there is a gorgeous lake just 15 minutes from my house with a perfect walking path around it and I’m making it my goal to get down there at least once a week.

I also plan on getting back in the pool, and Bluebird will be great for walking to the bus and back. I’ll be speaking with my new doctor in the next week about taking an Aqua Therapy course at our local Pool and Fitness Centre. It’s a specialized one-on-one program for People with Chronic Pain, working with a registered Kinesiologist to help with rehabilitation in the pool, so it’s easy on the joints and muscles. By getting my doctor’s approval, there’s a good chance I can have the costs paid by my Long Term Disability provider. I’m excited about it and even though I have to take a bus to get there, it’s only a 20-minute ride. I’m sure there’s parking available for Bluebird as I’m not the only one who takes these types of classes.

I’ve also been trying to be more physical at home, and not just sitting in my recliner all day (although it is rather molded to my butt shape). I’ve been doing wall push-ups and bicep curls and was trying to do squats as well, but those became too painful for my knees and ankles. I’m going to start doing planks to see if those work and maybe some gentle lunges with no bouncing. Everything hurts my joints so much, but I need to become more flexible. I think my Achilles Tendon is ultimately going to need surgery as it’s responded to nothing else we’ve tried – no physio, no stretching, no taping. I’m not sure what else is left, but I see Dr Winston soon, my Physiatrist and we’ll talk about options. It’s slowing me down and affecting how I walk and causing my left hip to have even more pain than necessary, which is going to increase the time before needing a hip replacement on that side as well. I’ve also developed some painful Neuropathy in the left foot, on the top and into the big toe, that might be related to my Type 2 Diabetes, so more to talk to my new doctor about. This just came on in the last few days, while on the motorcycle trip.

Mentally, I’m worried because I think I’m going to have to come off the drug I take for my Bipolar Disorder and it’s the med that has given me all the energy I’ve had lately, Abilify. It’s causing me some major side effects; brain zaps, tongue trembling, handshaking, vision blurring and an uncomfortable amount of weight gain. I’m only 5’2″ tall, so any weight gain over 145lbs is too much and I’m up to 160lbs. It’s the brain zaps that are the worst though…I can actually feel them…they’re like an electric shock in the brain, but in high speed, and you can both feel them and hear them – a lightning bolt that goes right through the head from one side to the other. If I had to describe them based on something we physically have, I’d say it’s like one of those electronic fly killers that buzzes when it kills a fly…same sound, that bzz-zap!

Annoying!!!

There are good things happening in my life though. Ever since we bought our new motorcycle, I’ve been able to get out for more and longer rides with my husband Ray, which is a real treat for me. Our new bike is a 2007 Yamaha Venture and more of a cruiser than the sports bike we had before, a Kawasaki Concours.

The Venture is super comfortable for me and I’ve been able to go for longer rides each time we’ve been out, including a very recent Grand Adventure! Ray and I took the bike and went to Mt. Vernon, Washington to visit an online friend of mine named Maura so I could hang out with her and binge watch the second season of This Is Us, a tv show that I started watching on Netflix, but is no longer being carried there. Maura is a huge fan as well, so I spent 2 days with her watching the show while Ray went off exploring on the bike, then we hung out with her and her hubby Paul for dinner the first night (and with their daughter Anna – their son Matthew was out), and on the second night, we took them out for dinner at a local pub. On Saturday morning, Ray and I left at 5am to head for home, taking the I-5 freeway to the Blaine border crossing and then the Tsawwassen ferry home to get back to our cat Dorie at just after 9am.

Altogether, I’d say I spent 2 hours in the saddle but every second was great!! I know I can go for longer now and be comfortable. I can get on and off the bike easily, and it just feels good to ride. As an added bonus, I have a new leather jacket and gloves! Ray bought them for me on Saturday, August 25th here at a leather shop close to home. I really wanted pink, but decided this black jacket was too sexy to pass up! It has just enough detail on it to make it look sharp without being tacky. The leather is buttery soft with black stitching up the sides on the back, and on the back of the arms from the wrists to the elbows. Ray will have to put a new snap in at the wrists to make them tighter (I have short arms and tiny wrists) but it fits beautifully everywhere else and I’m delighted to have it. I also bought proper bike gloves – I got gauntlets, the kind that goes over the jacket sleeves to protect me from bees flying into my sleeves, etc.

Here are a few pictures. I’ve also included a picture of yours truly with my hubby Ray, as we were coming home from our trip. It was taken on the ferry from Tsawwassen, BC to Victoria.

I’m still keeping busy with my volunteer work and have applied to sit on a new committee for Island Health’s Laboratory Services Quality Council. I access Lab Services every three months for blood work, so thought it might be fitting to be a part of their quality control council. I’m also waiting to hear back on a couple of other opportunities I had my name in for so it could be an exciting fall!

So there you have it…a bit more about me and what’s been going on in my life and how I’ve been truthfully feeling. The next time someone asks you “how are you doing”, how will you answer them? With a short predictable answer? Or will you tell the truth?

There is always hope

How Are You Doing? Hi, how are you? How are you doing? How are you feeling these days? Oh boy...do you ever get those loaded questions?

0 notes