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sukiipjs · 2 months

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✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

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↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

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°:. *₊ ° . ☆

nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

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i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

₊ ° .☆ °:. *₊

after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

#chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo smut #nicolas sturniolo smut #nick sturniolo smut #nick sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets x reader #sturniolo #𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐢𝐩𝐣𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝜗𝜚⋆#sukiipjs #𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐢𝐩𝐣𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝜗𝜚⋆

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hawkinsuniversity · 2 years

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𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐚 𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐭. 𝟏

series summary : when fionna brings you home one night the gallaghers are unsure of how to react, however, if there is one thing they are sure of, it is how much they each want a turn with you.

series warning : this series is going to contain extremely explicit and smutty content and is quite literally the most shameless thing you may ever read. this series is mainly going to consist of smut and content discussing poly relationships.

pairing : fiona gallagher x fem!reader

warnings : mentions of prostitution and sex trafficking, mentions of sex, mentions of hickeys, bruises and cum, physical violence and abuse, mentions of blood

11:12 pm (fionas perspective)

“hey gorgeous!” dave called over from the bar while proceeding to look me up and down as if i were a meal he was ready to indulge in.

i took a deep breath and approached him as well as the other two beefy men who were leaning on the counter top in front of me.

“good evening gentlemen, how can i help you out tonight?” i asked sweetly while smiling up at them.

“well well well… look who it is. here i was thinking that we wouldn’t get the pleasure of your company tonight but here you are.” one of dave’s friends stated while glaring at me through a pair of shiny aviator sunglasses.

“here i am!” i exclaimed back, trying to keep things friendly.

i had only been working at the club for a week but dave and his two other friends had come in every night since and made a point to speak to me regularly. not that i was complaining or anything, they left great tips.

“how’s it going with your boyfriend gallagher? what was his name again? johnny?” dave asked playfully.

“jimmy.” i corrected “and we actually broke up a few weeks ago.”

“sorry to hear that” dave’s other friend said cockily while looking down at me with a hungry grin smeared across his face.

“you know fionna, if you’re looking for someone to rebound with i think i might have someone in mind.” dave stated, clearly wanting to get to the point.

“well dave i’m flattered but i don’t think i’m ready for a one night stand with a regular from the trashy nightclub i work at.” i responded playfully.

“who said anything about having a one night stand with a regular from the club?” dave countered.

“i have a girl who i think you’d be very interested in. she’d only be 200 for the night but i’d be willing to make a more permanent deal for a grand or so.”

“a girl? i don’t think so gentlemen. i’ve been feeling kinda vanilla lately anyways.” i said firmly trying to bring an end to the conversation.

“seriously? fionna gallagher? vanilla? no way.” dave mocked “listen, if you cant do a grand i’d be willing to go as low as 800. i need to get her off my hands soon and if i cant find anyone to take her by the end of the week she’s gonna end up living in an abandoned warehouse with the other 200 illegal hand whores i got.”

was he really trying to convince me to buy some illegal russian prostitute off of him? i thought to myself, trying to comprehend what the fuck we were talking about.

“you don’t have to agree to anything right now, but just meet her.” dave coaxed, trying to get me to give in even a little bit.

“dave…” i started.

“you know what! i’ll go down to 700! he interrupted. “look, i really need to get some of these whores off of my hands fionna, and you’d be saving some poor girl from ending up below the poverty line giving 10 dollar hand jobs for a living.

“i live below the poverty line!” i snapped back at him. “and even though the thought of some used up russian slut sounds appealing i’m going to have to pass.” i said as i smiled up at dave, clearly satisfied with my response.

“fine, but if you change your mind you know where to find me” he said with an exasperated look on his face.

“great!” i smiled up at him before walking away contently.

. . .

3:04 am

as i stepped out of the back door i felt the cold, harsh wind whip into my face, causing my hair to thrash around me. i quickly locked the entrance to the club and tucked the keys into my pocket before walking at a quick pace towards the L train which was conveniently located only a couple minutes away from the club.

“put me down!” a female with a slight russian accent screamed from about 50 feet away.

as I looked to my left I saw dave and his two buddies trying to load a small brunette into the back of their grey van. they were clearly struggling but seamed to be somewhat in control of the situation.

“hey!” i shouted desperately attempting to grab their attention.

dave looked over his shoulder at me and started walking over to me.

“fionna, what can I do for you? he exclaimed cheerfully “change your mind about the russian whore? i got her right here if you’re interested. however she’s gonna be in slightly damaged condition now.” he said sinisterly while smirking. behind him his two friends continued to struggle with the girl who was covered in bruises, hickeys, and dried cum. her tight strapless black mini dress clung to her petite figure and brought attention to her large breasts and ass.

“what the hell are you doing?” i screamed in disgust as the two men grabbed her by the arms and legs before forcefully shoving her into the back of their dirty honda.

“well fionna i warned you, if i didnt find y/n a new home before the end of the night she was gonna have to deal with some pretty serious consequences.” dave said calmly while examining the distraught look on my face.

“how much?” i asked angrily

“excuse me?” he asked

“you heard me!” i said loudly. “how much do you want for her?”

“well i was offering her up for 700 earlier but now that you’ve past my deadline…” dave trailed off

“how much dave.” i said through gritted teeth.

“twelve hundred.” he stated calmly

i looked over at the petite girl who was now passed out on the floor of the van with a bloody cut on her left cheek and a deep gash on her right arm.

“fine.” i spat and began digging through my wallet to find the cash that was meant to be put towards this months electricity bill.

shoving the cash into daves hand i immediately hurried over to the girl sprawled out across the back of the van and gently pulled her up and out of the honda.

“nice doing business with you sweetheart.” dave said sarcastically before climbing into the front seat and taking off with the two men in the back.

as they drove away i turned my attention back to the girl. i think dave called her y/n but i was unsure.

i turned her onto her back and was immediately amazed by her beauty. her lips were gorgeously plump and a soft shade of pink, her nose was small and naturally contored, she had long dark eye lashes and stunning glossy h/c hair.

although i was unsure of her age i had a feeling she was in her late teens, maybe around 17?

even though i didnt know her i was immediately relieved i had protected her and decided it would be best to bring her back to the gallagher house until she regained consciousness.

“come on y/n. lets go home.” i whispered to her

before picking her up and carrying her to the L.

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dayedreamm · 3 months

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Unexpected Crushes Chapter 2

blk fem OC x paige bueckers

warnings: swearing (i think)

Chapters: 1 | 2 |

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“Wait uconn” imani says kind of shock “thats far from where you are” she says sadly. Although talia continues “yeah it is but… Ipromise we will talk and we could even possibly meet up one day Ipromise “ she says to reassure you.

flashback ends

I believed her… we were friends at the time…I mean who wouldnt believe their true best friend right?

Well I shouldn't have.

4 months later

Welp im here now at uconn. Friendless. Betrayed. Alone.

“Cheer up kid you'll make new friends here, i never really liked talia anyway” my mother says to reassure me. I gave her a so-so nod as if agreeing with her statement i was tired, the drive down here was no joke and now I wanted to sleep. Sadly I still had to unpack in my dorm.. Maybe my roommate wont be here and i wont have any human interaction. Wrong. We walked in my mother helping with my bags, and im am greeted with a smiling girl with her dreads in a ponytail. ‘Great … just how i wanted to start off the day’ I thought to myself “hi nice to meet you my name is kamora but everyone calls me KK” she says cheerfully. I tried not to be a bitch my roomate sounded nice and I should reciprocate that same feeling. “Hey my name is Imani” i said trying to sound as cheerful. I could feel my mothers stares behind me telling me to fix my face but i tried the best i could. Getting stabbed in the back by your best friend didnt exactly put a smile on your face. Although, it was months later and i should be getting better. So i guess ill try now with this new roomate.

1 week later

(here are some inspos of what i was thinking)

—

Once i finished i headed off to the game with one of my friends from my business class. We walked to the pavilion and grabbed some seates a bit early so we could see the game better. As we took our seats they were nearing the end of their warmups as KK waves to me with a little smile on her face, i smile and wave back, but not before a curious blonde sees this interaction and questions it.

Paige POV

I see my teammate and one of my besfriends KK smile and wave toward the audience, and when i turn my eyes i am met with a beautiful woman. I mean she stole my whole attention for a good 5 seconds before kk had to grab my shoulder. “Yo you good” KK says to me. “Yea im fine, whos that girl you were waving to” i said a bit dazed. “Oh thats my roommate, who is also my friend shes really cool you should meet her.. I think she might also be your type” KK says excitedly wiggling her eyebrows. I punch her arm teasingly, i cant even say shes lying this girl is very attractive and certainly has my attention. “Whats her n-” but before i could even ask the question our coach geno calls us over for a team huddle. I jog my way over but not before looking at her and winking in her direction.

Imani POV

I look back at the courts to see a blonde staring at me and sending a wink over my way, she was very attractive and had me blushing in my seat, which i think she knew because she smirked and turned away. “Oooh someones got a crush” one of my friends says in my ear. I jump back at her words “who? Who are you talking about” i say defensively. “Obviously the blondie who was giving you googlie eyes down there” the same friend says to me. “You think shes hot atleast” my other friend asks me. “I obviously dont know her yet but if she is into girls i think shes pretty attractive, whats her name anyway” i ask out of curiosity

“Paige bueckers”

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ok bae was finally introduceddddd, also did yall see that chegg comercial she looked so good, but anyways thanks for reading

leave some suggestions of any imagines you may want

Dayedreammm outtie💖

#paige bueckers #paige #wbb #uconn wbb #uconn huskies

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trans-axolotl · 9 months

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for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

#asks #self harm tw #antipsych #psych abolition #harm reduction #harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like #the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed.#i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based #in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop #also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto #bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an #i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find #love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive #as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex #for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to #anyway. lots of love anon.

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rin-and-jade · 4 months

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im not exactly sure if this is a system thing but im questioning and i wanted to know if any systems relate to this?

for as long as i can remember ever since i was a kid ive kind of always talked to myself out loud, i remember this happening since i was at least 7 i think but idk for sure. i only do it when im alone. i talk quietly, almost whispering to myself as if im talking to an entirely different person whos sitting next to or behind me even though no one is physically there, i can have entire conversations in my head with these people who arent physically there. it also feels like im over exaggerating my feelings and my tone of voice and expressions when i do this despite never remembering what im talking about. when this happens i dont usually realize it for a while and when i finally do i stop and then kinda forget about it, but not actually, the memory of me talking is still there just not the subject, thats what it feels like at least which is probably how im able to write about it now. i usually just move on with my day after and i cant control what i think or say or do because like i said i dont realize im doing this until i stop doing it.

does this make any sense? is this a system thing or is it something else entirely??? do other systems or other people in general ever do this? i know for sure it isnt a normal thing

Before i answer this question, i asked one of my friends, and two strangers to let me know their thoughts and the end result is: they all said no. It is not something in general people do apparently.

And yes, it is true,, this doesn't sound like a normal thing in general. To me, this sounds like a system thing,, because you had shown clear points such as talking to, as if, there's someone; show poor ability to recall stuffs happening; to an extent, not being able to control over what you think, do and say. This is also similar to how my experience looks like before realizing theres a word for it.

With this realization, i would like you to read a couple sources from the internet or scroll around the system community to see if you can relate.

Plus, look out for signs such as, experiencing bouts of dissociation, or changing your handwriting/typing style, hearing people say that you're inconsistent with your words/answers/opinions, often forgetful, have many unexplained gaps of your days or general memories, and sometimes think you are a completely different person. As my last request for you.

After you've done this, you may conclude your answer and consider wether you're a system or not,, oh plus you might want to type the important stuffs down incase you forget or whatnot. Anyway, good luck and let me know if you need more help/want to share updates!

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #janswersask

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notthestarwar · 4 months

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for the WIP game, can you tell me more about ‘Fox gets a job- quin/ Fox’ 👀👀

thank you for asking!

OK so i know i've talked about this on here before but i love this au so i'm gonna repeat myself a bit probably.

so its set post war, no order 66. The idea is that the war opened everyones eyes to cloning, in a very bad way. loads of half bit criminals are like. free labour? people we can raise to do whatever we want? why don't we give it a try. theres a background of a lot of shitty gangs going about trying out cloning in a way that would horrify the kaminoans really. this is not good science, this is comic book-esque backstreet cloning in order to take advantage of people.

they are largely not successful. the problem isnt that there are loads of gang owned clones around. the problem is that they keep trying even tho they dont know shit about cloning and so vulnerable ppl are getting kidnapped off the streets for gennetic material and in a baby farm type way to grow clones in. its bad.

enter fox. he's drifting after the war. he doesnt really know what too do with his life. he is looking for a job and he says he wants a job but everytime he gets an interview he's overly honest and tells them things like 'yeah i killed my last boss' (palpatine) and 'my greatest flaw? i'm too competent. it makes my bosses feel inferior' and so understandably nobody will give him a job

he doesnt actually need a job. quin is paying all his bills cause theyre in a weird not relationship and wont admit they care about eachother. fox is deadly embarrased about whatever quin funding him and spending all his days off in fox's apartment might signify and so it is a MASSIVE SECRET that must be kept from fox's brothers.

so fox at this point in his life, stumbles on to one of these cloning ops and ends up helping someone. and it becomes kind of addictive. he wont admit it but helping these people, who are being hurt by cloning, settles something in him. maybe it settles the thing in him that he wont admit is so hurt by the cards he and his brothers have been dealt, by what was done to them.

so fox sets up as a private investigator. but because he's a weirdo who runs from intimacy he kind of. doesnt tell anyone (he cant. this is important to him) but of course, his brothers find out anyway and they also find out that he's running the worst business ever because he's not taking money from his clients. because he doesnt feel right doing it.

now where this is building to (and this is the part that i kinda got stuck on) is he stumbles on to a BIG criminall gang cloning conspiracy. one where they are actually succeeding in cloning people. he ends up investigating this one with Boba! which pretty much happens cause at the start before he knows how big this is, he walks in to this lab, and who has also broken in to the lab and is investigating the same conspiracy? BOBA. and its just like. fox and boba stood on either side of this illegal lab like. spiderman meme pointing. looking out of the window of a car as they drive past each other. that vibe.

and the rest of the story is boba and fox on this unwilling team up. neither of them wanting to admit to feelings but having to kind of both admit. yeah. bad things happened to us and i dont like the idea of anyone else being out there with similar stuff happening to them. they also unwillingly get close. then theres the side plot of fox having to admit his feelings when it comes too quin and admit that theyre kinda living like theyre in a committed relationship without the words. and then the other thing thats going on in the background is cody and obi wan, who are living together, in a happy relationship apart from the fact that they never have an empty house becuase one of them is aways inviting some wayward sibling or other to stay with them. cody and obi wan respectively have no shortage of family so its just constant and both of them act like theyre annoyed each time the others do it, but really, its why they love each other and theyre both so big brother coded and yeah.

so i know i've alread shared some bits of this here and here (and possibly theres a third one floating around here as welll? cant find it)

so here are some other snippets from other parts of the au:

and from a bit later on, a quin/fox bit

later on, fox being uncharactaristially honest (it's easier when the person doesnt matter to him)

and finally, fox's thoughts on the cloning problem

and i've shared loads sorry so i'll stop now, but yeah. this is an idea i am very excited about and i am very frustrated that i havent been able to form a conspiracy that fits right for him and boba to investigate

#ask game #wip ask game #snippet #notthereply #fox gets a job #text in alt

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goodfully · 9 months

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a little delayed but i wrote most of this in my notes app waiting for internet access hahaha i finished reading the third book yesterday, mostly in the car, im in the middle of a trip with family and relatives so this might be more vague/disorganized. mm okay thoughts on "those who leave and those who stay"!

i mean all of this in a lighthearted way! but wow idk what i was expecting with nino, i was lowkey hoping he wouldnt be a major character in the third book. oh my god, i swear every time ninos name was revealed (the author of some article, somebodys friend, some babys father, etc..) i mentally rolled my eyes.. i get that hes an important character and its great how he encourages lenu with her academic work much more than pietro ever did, but wow, tbh ive had enough with this guy hahaha

okay! i think what i liked most about this book is that that while the first two books were centered on lenu and lila looking towards their future and escaping their neighborhood, the third book was so much of them both looking back on the past. by that i mean, both their own lives in that neighborhood in naples, as well as history and politics globally.

anyway im glad we got more political history in this book, it just makes sense to i think. lenu and lilas lives are very much affected by it, and always had been, but it becomes much more clear to them now that theyre older, altho ig in different ways. mm like understanding the connection between the violence in the neighborhood they grew up in and the systems of exploitation that exist globally (like imagine finding your first boyfriend is the leader of some fascist thugs that beat ppl up in front of the factory your friend works at). i think its important bc ever since the first book im sure that we've been hearing from both lenu and lila that they feel as tho something beyond their grasp and comprehension is keeping them from escaping from the lives they had/have. and like.. maybe theyve known it was the patriarchy, fascism... before they even knew what it was. ahh the stuff that lenu said in the beginning about how we cant really escape bc the world is poisoned everywhere. its a bleak view, but that part in the very beginning was ahhhhh...

oh god, lenu having daughters.. like.. more mother/daughter relationship things... the things girls learn from their mothers (dede and elsa in front of the mirror acting dissatisfied with the way they look.. i know it was a short, insignificant scene but i would have cried) and also. when lenus mother came to take care of her, and she said "i was afraid she would never return. but she always did"... ahh!!! and then when elena told her daughters about leaving their father and both of her daughters asked if she would take them or begged her to stay. screams. oh oh oh and every single time she notices that one the younger children resembles their father???

as much as i do adore lenu, i find myself attached to lila.. so when there was that big chunk of just purely lilas part of the story, i was excited (despite the very distressing events)... anyway thoughts on that lila part:

i was thinking about how much this part showed how revolutionary movements arent that straightforward, esp between the actual working class and the intellectual students, like when revolutionary movements arent led by the ones the revolution was made purposefully to liberate? ohh actually i have a lot of thoughts on this and the events that happened, i like how much ferrante talks about it, but ill keep it short.. the part with lilas speech in the pamphlet, the fight in front of the factory, pasquale and nadia disagreeing with lenu helping lila, local and state armed fascists, union organizers not truly representing the workers, its relation to the patriarchy etc..

also so heartbreaking, seeing lila lose her mind over her child, believing that the closer he is to her, the more likely he'll break.. like her. god god i understand that feeling, but i imagine its so much worse for lila when its her own child. that thing about feeling trapped in the same fate as your parents is just so so sad. ive literally never wanted to have my own children bc of this.

i know im projecting onto lila, but tbh the idea that lila is aroace is...!!! haha.. like when she was crying and telling enzo that she loves him and wishes every night to hold him close, but "beyond that i dont want anything." and hhfhrh idk i feel this way for a lot of ppl and know i risk being left if im unable to give what the other person in a relationship wants and they suffer for it. hh

oh! i think its cool that while the revolutionary/workers rights movement was a bigger thing for lila, the feminist movement was more significant for lenu.. god pietro was so??? idk why he was so insistent on following traditional husband/wife roles. i thought something was off about him since they first got engaged and he didnt care of her novel. tbh i am happy for her and hope she gets to be content with her self and her life in the next book. oh and the new thing that lenu writes is so interesting... i think maybe the women in the books would find it the truth for them, except probably lila. so it was interesting when alfonso tells lila that he wants to if he was a woman, hed want to be like lila.

oh some other random parts i keep thinking about: when she and lila were talking excitedly like when they were children, and the talk finally inspired something in her to write a second novel. and when lila read it, and cries. and they both say they dont know who they are without the other.. and when lenu starts rambling about how she believes lila has the intense capacity for apocalyptic violence like she did at the start of the second book, i go crazy i love that hahaha. hmm and gigliola... i remember not thinking much of her yet in the first two books, but really i like her and feel a lot for her.

mm there might be stuff i forgotten to mention, but ill end this here for now! i cant believe its only one book left already...

#finished reading #those who leave and those who stay #neapolitan novels

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feisaru · 9 months

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Cant stop thinking about your older feisaru art. I was wondering if you have a hc of what they're upto at that age. Like hobbies, career, or the people they (still) hang out with?

ALRIGHT LET ME JUST SAY- talking about them on main like this is a little hard 4 me. The whole "if it mattered less, maybe I could talk more about it" bit. I'm still gonna try to not make it super vague? While also not being as overly elaborate as I sometimes get in private chats

Fei still loves soccer a lot. Overall he enjoys powering himself out physically when he gets the chance to. Wheter that can be considered a hobby, I dunno, but he enjoys painting nails a lot, especially if he gets to use a lot of colors and to draw silly little animals on them. He also likes cooking. He taught himself how to very early after CS-finish.

Whereas Saru really enjoys reading. He's been doing that even back when he was Feida's emperor, to escape reality a bit. Every so often, Fei comes up to him and asks what he's reading. If Saru wants to infodump about it, Fei gladly lets him. Honestly, it's not a seldom occurence that they just read together. It often starts with Fei asking Saru to read out loud for him because he really enjoys his voice, while he cuddles into Saru a bit. Then after a while Saru passes him the book. Sometimes they also read their own individual novels while just sitting together. Saru also still does soccer sometimes, but for him it's more like a bonding activity with Fei? He does it mainly because Fei likes it so much and he likes when Fei is happy. He'd still enjoy leading a soccer team but other than that, the physical aftermath of the vaccine was pretty hard on him, leading to him not being able to exhaust himself too much physically (he'd still throw hands if necessary tho). Well, he was never too much into sports anyway. Despite that he still loves climbing on trees. And once again I don't know if that counts as a full on hobby but at some point, because he has so much time on hand, he started attempting to scribble Fei in notebooks. I don't think he'd tell Fei though, he finds it embarrassing.

So now to the more complicated bits! Most of these are still Thoughts In Progress™️

I try not to think too hard about the whole job thing because- I'm still not that experienced with jobs and because I can't see either of them working traditionally. Saru still hasn't forgotten about what El Dorado and the system has done to them. He wouldn't want to work in it. He doesn't want to work in a system created and controlled by people who have damaged him beyond repair. He doesn't want to pretend all's well, he doesn't just want to act like nothing ever happened. And Fei? In theory, he's the one more likely to do it, just because his morality doesn't get in the way, but I can't really imagine him feeling good about working at all. It would really drain him. So the possibility I'm tending to most right now is that they're getting the 200 years into the future equivalent of Hartz IV (as much as Saru hates existing in the state they unfortunately can't just cease doing that and so taking the state's money is still the better option) (I barely know anything about what this whole thing is like so take this with a grain of salt) and that Asurei sometimes helps them out financially because he has more than enough money for himself. They don't have a lot but it suffices to live pretty okay as long as they keep in mind they have a limited amount of money at their disposal. But like I said, my thoughts might change in the future, when I know more myself. I once have entertained the thought of making Fei a mental health professional but that's in the scraps right now because. I know someone pretty similar to him who worked as that and I sure as hell do know it would exhaust him in the long run. He wouldn't be able to handle so many people professionally at once without starting to feel worse himself. He likes psychology but the reason he likes it is that he likes helping Saru. Using psychology on people whom he meets in an office on a professional basis just ain't it

Concerning hanging out, I and a friend have an AU (Trio AU) where Fei reaches out to Zanark so the 3 of them can play soccer together when they're 17-18-ish and he third-wheels for them. Later on he gets a gf, my friend's OC. The AU is more for giggles and laughs than anything and Zanark and Saru go on each other's nerves impossibly. A lot of the time it's "calm down, breathe in, breathe out, you're better than this, there's no reason to get seriously mad at this motherfucker, and most importantly you're doing this for Fei" for Saru. They still see Meia and Giris sometimes, albeit they live a little farther away. And they probably encounter Protocol Omega members sometimes, because they live in the same city as them (thinking about them encountering Alpha and Gamma on a date someday is fun... @amalg4me)

Either way I have some drawings where they're supposed to be young adults (Trio AU, including the banana sweater, all the CS x SPOP drawings... maybe even more. Most of the fluffier drawings are set at least 2 years after Chrono Stone) but I've only recently started figuring out how to get better at varying ages and I'm still working on it

Uh btw... if you wanna see some old man cuddles... I can gladly send you some in the dms. I've been drawing them as adults a lot lately, but I don't feel like posting those drawings on main

#if youre not lore or any of my closer friends id prefer if u quit reading before the cut #unless you really want to...#lore/fritz #thank you for the ask🦔#it means a lot 2 me #feisaru receives asks

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clearkidhideout · 8 months

Text

fucked up kid

pt 2. the bonfire

y/n pov

When the bonfire starts that guy gally starts handing out jars of his "secret drink" i bet you he doesn't even know what it is. when i take a swing of the drink it burns my throat. "bloody hell, what the fuck is that". it tasted good but man did it hurt my throat. soon enough i got used to the taste and was well on my way to get a fourth cup. i stare as i walk watching the other boys including newt dance around the fire. i feel someone walk up next to me it's thomas

"hey thomas"

"hi y/n, how you holding up" he asked shyly

"pretty well actually im not even drunk yet and im on my fourth cup" i say.

He laughs "no actually, how are you i know it's only been a couple of hours but are you ok"

i stare at him "yeah im fine. being surrounded by boys is stressful but it will have to do" i give him a smile just as i feel someone yank me back by the collar of my shirt.

"for fucks sake you peice of shit" i scream at whoever yanked me back. turns out it was gally .

"hey little greenie, its a tradition of ours to fight the new green bean" he smirks at me

i just roll my eyes if he wants to fight we can fight "gally are you sure i dont want to beat your ass infront of these people" i gesture around to the other boys catching newts eyes as he shakes his head at me warning me. what the hell do they not think i can win, well ill show them.

Gally just laughs in my face " aw little girl is too scar-" was all he got out be fore i kicked him in the stomach

"for the fucking last time im not scared i dont care"

he throws me down knocking the wind out of me but not for long because i sock him in the nose just as he explains that he would end me. i hear a satisfying crunch that makes blood shoot out of his nose on to my hand which might i add was a little disgusting.

"Y/N WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO" alby runs over to me and gally yelling

"I DID NOTHING BUT FIGHT HIM CAUSE FOR FUCKS SAKE HE WANTED TO FIGHT AND HE HAD TO BLAB ABOUT BEATING MY ASS LIKE SHUT UP DIPSHIT NO ONE CARES BECAUSE I WON THE FUCKING FIGHT" i yell back

alby just looks at me in disbelief because i guess no one ver talked to him in that way which they should and he called the medjacks to take alby and fix his goddamn nose. then they brought me into this coucling room told me to sit in a chair and proceeded to agree to lock me up in what ever they call is a slammer

"you can't do that i litterally just won a fight and your locking me in a slammer what the hell is a slammer anyway" furious that they would even dare to do that.

newt says "alby she's righ-

"of course i am" i inturupt

he continues like he didn't even hear me "right we cant lock her up in the slammer because she won a fight with gally remeber minho he broke gally's arm and we let him go"

alby turns to newt and sighs pinching his nose "well what do you want me to do"

"well you could um..... you could send someone to supervise her and not let her near gally" he saind blushing a flustered

"supervise me as in babysit" it still made me pissed but ill get what i can take

just then alby looks up sharply"newt who's going to watch her. i know you on top of your job keep an eye on her"

"i have a name you know not just her its y/n and if you cant call me that dont talk" i snap back

alby looks at me "shut up y/n newt take her somewhere else out of my sight"

newts pov

bloody great i got myself into this by suggesting someone to watch her and she's mad

"what do you want"y/n snapped at me "lets go"

she turns and stomps out of the homestead even when she is mad i still think that she looks beautiful

she sits down by a log and looks at me. "am i really scary you have to keep me under your watch"

i sit down next to her " i dont think your scary just tough we need that around here maybe you could help me whip the boys back into shape"

she laughs and i make it my personal goal to make her laugh like that all the time

"you sound just like my mom" she freezes and looks at me and i have a feeling my expression matches her own

"what" i say shocked

she looks at me "what dipshit"

"its just people here dont remember their life before the glade and you do" i question her

"i dont remember anything just the important stuff. like the people i know or things that happened. i dont remember any of their names though and i dont remember what happened or how i got here " she looks at me again this time her voice is laced with a tiny bit of frusteration and confusion

"thats more than most can remember you know what your friends look like i cant even remember what my life was before all this happened" i gesture around the glade

she snorts at me " like i said before newt just important people in my life but they are like blurry pictures and its only glipses here and there, other things im not willing to share are like clear as day, and i remember you" she pauses looking shocked at what she just admitted to me

"you remember me" i ask wanting to know more

"yes, just one memory though when you asked me to come to the bonfire it reminded me of a time when you asked me to come to a party with you" she looked at me shocked again

"well glad to hear that because i think i had the same memory at that time" i smiled at her

"you liked me" she states bluntly

i was surprised "i did"

she looks at me again "damn this drink, i spilled more than i wanted to, to you and it's all because of this mother fucker right here" she shakes the drink and glares down at it which causes me to laugh

y/n pov

"i think im gonna call it a night" i say to newt

he looks at me startled "what"

"it was nice talking to you but today was stressful im tired and would like sleep so newt would you like to walk me to my bed or not" i say

"um ok"

he walks me to my bed and we exchange farewells i might not trust him but i like him enough to call him a nice aquantence

#newt x reader #newt tmr

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schizosupport · 12 days

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Hi! I never send asks I'm sorry if this is weird or awkward? I'm just sitting in a mental health ward right now and trying to figure out whats going on.

So I've had mental health problems for a decade now but the past week is the first time my paranoia and things have ever gotten this bad, it felt like there were creatures? shadow people? in my apartment and i was only safe if i stayed totally still and silent cause then they couldnt hurt me, i kept seeing them out of the corner of my eyes, and it just wasnt safe to touch the floor or look in mirrors in the same way your brain wont let you touch a hot stove and no one seems to understand when i explain that its just not safe i cant do it and i cant explain. Is there a word for that? i dont understand any of this.

But it just kept getting worse and worse until my friend called the police on me and they took me to the hospital. ive calmed down now and realize it wasnt real but it FELT real and I feel like im going insane and don't know what to do, theyre saying its micropsychosis because of my bpd and because its supposedly bpd they dont know if they can help with meds but i dont feel like i can function like this, i know it gets bad again when im alone and i live alone and no one here seems to understand anything about psychosis at all, they keep giving me pamphlets on anxiety and breathing exercises (helpful but not what I need-what do i do when im seeing things? when something feels unsafe do i force myself to do it anyways as exposure therapy? or treat it like its real and try and calm down that way?) And basically i was wondering if you have any advice? or even reliable places to read more to learn about psychosis or micropsychosis or whatever this is? i just know its terrifying and im scared and dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. Sorry this got so long!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

#answers

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