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#maybe I'm too angry at things.

starrynightarchive · 4 months

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you know what's so disappointing? the way people keep saying 'don't be afraid to portray mental illness and disability in media!! in your art and writing!!! normalise it and don't shun it!!!' and then the MOMENT you bring up a symptom that's too messy and uncomfortable to handle, they take a fuckin u-turn and go "UM no that's bad. like. you're a bad person if you do that. that's weird and it makes me uncomfortable so it's wrong."

here's the thing!!!!!!! it's not convenient!!!!! it's not simple!!!! i can't be honest and keep writing about how depression paints your whole world blue and all that shit!!!!!! because guess what!!!! depression and disabilities and borderline personality disorder and SO many other things are just. not neat and clean or easily consumable. they WILL make you uncomfortable and sad. they WILL make you feel bad. honesty is not easy. it's not meant to be.

and dehumanisation of sociopaths and psychopaths is genuinely distressing. not all of them!!! are!!!! bad people!!! it's a medical condition!!!! a mental illness!!! a person's illness doesn't make them bad. their actions and the decisions they take decide that and I am SO sick and tired of people watering down every complex human trait and toxic behaviour as good and bad and right and wrong. don't you see!!! some things are simply just. human. that's all. people fuck up. badly, sometimes. but that doesn't mean they are not people. I'm not saying you should forgive everyone and become a full time saint. you are entitled to your anger. i'm just asking you: don't take away a person's right to err and still be considered human. not all actions fall in the neat divisions of right and wrong. some things just are. grow some balls if you want to see true suffering in media. because it is Not easy or pretty. not even close. you will be conflicted and uncomfortable and troubled. make peace with that fact.

#PLEASE do not come at me with arguments regarding UHHHH BUT MURDERERS ABUSERS AND MOLESTERS ARE BAD PEOPLE #yes. yes they are.#i never said they weren't. read the post #i said actions define a person's morality #but they are not ALWAYS simply right and wrong #meaning right and wrong does exist but it doesn't have to be a thing all the time #grey area exists too #and so does good and bad #it's a complex thing #i've been thinking about my own intrusive thoughts and how i can maybe incorporate that in my writing #but i found myself backtracking and being like wait. what if people think i'm a bad person for this #then i got SO angry #I'M ALWAYS WALKING AROUND IN EGGSHELLS #like. how much is too much #how much violence can be romanticized and sexualized and not seen as it is????#when will my work stop being poetic and raw and vulnerable and turn into something you consider wrong?#it's a ticking time bomb #and i hate that #vi talks #and in this case. talks a Lot

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avirael · 2 months

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How to hold a grudge (on behalf of someone else)

“Oh! Hello Rael!”

The audacity of this man!, was all Rael thought as they opened the door to their house and found Thancred standing on the other side. They felt horribly tempted to just slam the door right back shut into his stupidly grinning face.

Certainly they could say that it had just been one of these intrusive Lalafell who tried to sell their useless and overpriced goods to gullible people (like A’viloh) or one of their neighbours asking to borrow sugar again. Anyone who was not Thancred Waters.

What did he even want here? Had all of the women in Revenant’s Toll finally realised how much of a fraud he was and fled town? Or maybe they had chased him away with brooms and pitchforks. Yes, the later was absolutely Rael’s preferred explanation for his unwelcome presence here.

They still glowered at the man, trying really hard not to greet him with an insult, when A’vi returned from the kitchen. “Who’s there?”, he asked gloomily on his way back to the couch. Just as Thancred appeared in his field of view, the Hyur raised an arm and waved lightly. “Hello to you too, A’viloh.”

“Oh!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed surprised and almost dropped the bowl of ice cream he held in his hands. And there was that expression again, Rael noted in frustration. The same one he had made the last time they had visited the Rising Stones. It was a strange mix of feelings and Rael thought it difficult to find a fitting word for it. He looked like he had mistaken some dangerous animal for a harmless pet and was now horrified by the bloodshed it caused but still couldn’t stop himself from liking that creature anyway despite its nature. Maybe the comparison was unnecessarily gruesome but Rael just hoped that A’viloh was at least clever enough not to get himself torn to pieces by the metaphorical sharp teeth.

***

It wasn’t all that difficult to understand how the Viera got this rather extreme opinion about Thancred Waters. He had always had a certain reputation around Vesper Bay and Ul’dah, Rael had quickly learned as they had asked around about the Scions before choosing to work with them. On top of that the man hadn’t exactly left a good first impression when they had met in person for the first time. Maybe he had honestly just been curious about meeting a Viera for the first time but Rael had already heard a few pretty stupid pick-up lines during their journey and this man had seemed right in line with that. A raised eyebrow and disgusted look on their face at least had quickly disheartened him to try any further.

But then there was A’viloh! Kind, yet so self-sabotaging A’viloh! Rael had long stopped wondering what it was that he found interesting about Thancred and instead decided to just blame it on a severe case of mental confusion. They had warned him about Thancred back when A'viloh had told them about the invitation but it really wasn’t their place to tell A’vi what to do or, in this case, not to do. So at first the Viera had simply intended for him to either be clever (which seemed unlikely) or learn that lesson on his own and the hard way if necessary. But this had been many months ago and in the meantime a lot had happened. By now the idea that the poor Miqo’te could get his feelings hurt by that vile man was giving Rael a headache.

Sure, Rael occasionally liked to tease him about the way he acted around Thancred and at first all of his infatuation had almost seemed to Rael like a good sign, but that assessment had changed shortly after. Finally Rael had managed to convince A’viloh that it would be a good idea to return to the Rising Stones and speak to Thancred about how the Miqo’te felt responsible for what had happened to him (and only about that, mind you!) but in the meantime Thancred had seemingly recovered very well and immediately reverted back to his old ways. Just worse. Both, concerning the quantity of alcohol and women.

In a surprisingly short span of time Thancred had managed to be seen with more women than Rael could count on their fingers, some of them just shamelessly flirting with but enough of them in more or less obvious situations. And that were just the ones he had no qualms to be seen with, Rael assumed. It was unnecessary to mention that A’viloh’s resolution to speak to him had died down abruptly.

Rael had observed this tragedy for as long and as peacefully as they could tolerate. They hadn’t wanted to interfere in something that actually wasn’t any of their business, so they had hoped that A’vi would soon get angry enough to stop moping. But they should have known that anger wasn’t exactly one of A’vi’s standard solutions for his problem and so of course it only seemed to get worse over time. Rael on the other hand had quickly developed a habit of getting angry on his behalf, to their own frustration.

One day Rael was speaking with Papalymo and Y'shtola about a book they were studying, when they noticed A'viloh gloomily staring down the counter of F‘lhaminn’s bar. After a moment F‘lhaminn, like the good barkeep she was, put a glass of liquor in front of him, raised an eyebrow and expected him to talk.

“What’s up with you?” she asked but A’viloh just grimaced and nodded to the glass in front of him. “That’s not a good idea. Alcohol and me don’t seem to go so well together.”

F‘lhlaminn had chuckled and made a peculiar face. “Oh, just like Thancred I guess…”, she said leaving it up to his interpretation if she meant alcohol and Thancred or him and Thancred, while she eyed him for a reaction.

A desperate sigh was all she got for an answer, but that was more than enough.

“Ha! So I rightfully thought this was about him. You know, I saw you eyeing him and Higiri…”

Avi snapped to attention, ears going up, face turning red. “What?! That ain’t true! Why would I??”

“If you say so…”, F’lhaminn chuckled again and returned her attention to the glass she was cleaning.

Seemingly unaware of the fact that he was proving her right, A’vi turned his head the other way and kept on sadly watching Thancred flirt with one of the doman girls from afar.

At that point Rael had decided to do something and stepped closer. “If you don't stop looking like this, I will go over there and I will punch him in his stupid face.”, they annouced sitting down beside A'vi.

Startled the Miqo’te turned around. “What?”

“It’s excuse me!”, Rael corrected and then repeated their words. “I said I am going to punch him in the face if you don’t!”

A’viloh was either truly unaware about his lovesick staring or had decided to play very very dumb. “Who?”

“Please! Don’t pretend to be more stupid than you actually are. Thancred of course!”, the Viera grumbled.

A’viloh still pretended to be oblivious. “Why should you do that??”

“You know why!”, sternly Rael glowered at him and finally the Miqo’te gave up this charade. “Alright! Fine! But how is he supposed to know that it bothers me?”, he retorted and Rael seriously wondered if he was this oblivious about how he was behaving.

“By the Twelve, A’vi!”, they exclaimed, a saying they had quickly picked up along with another few curses. “He can’t have that much brain damage to not notice that! Everybody in this building must by now have noticed that you are in love with him. I wouldn’t even be surprised if everybody in this whole town knows!”

A’viloh wanted to object at first but quickly gave up.. “I am not-... No… Please! Don’t tell me it is really that obvious?”

Rael rolled their eyes and slightly shook their head. “No, don’t worry! You just longingly stare at him every chance you get and sigh sadly every time he talks to someone. I guess your secret is safe!”

“That’s not funny…”, he muttered quietly with drooping ears. Rael just shrugged. It was only the truth.

Then A’vi added: “The idea that someone like Rowena knows something like that is kinda scary…”

“Careful! She’ll find a way to make money out of that. Blackmail or something…”, Rael couldn’t help but tease. At least the Miqo’te spent the rest of the day brooding over something that wasn’t Thancred Waters.

But then a few days later Rael had reached the point where they had enough.

One late afternoon they had found A’vi picking at his food while once again staring across the room, where Thancred sat at the bar with one arm around the shoulders of an annoyingly giggling Miqo’te girl. It was painful to watch, both Thancred and his conquest being so obliviously obnoxious as well as A’viloh’s reaction to it, but apart from this it was mostly infuriating. Rael wasn’t even sure who they wanted to yell at the most. So after wordlessly watching for a minute or another they lost their temper and growled at A’viloh.

“Are you mad!? You can’t seriously tell me that this -“, they hissed, silently enough not to catch any attention, gesturing towards the bar. “THIS is what you want? To be stupid! And replaceable! And forgotten before morning!?”

Slightly shocked A’viloh had stared at them for a moment, like he just realised it was the truth, before he wordlessly shook his head and sighed. It wasn’t fair that Rael had lashed out at him, they knew that, but seemingly he needed someone to tell him how ridiculous all of this was. Nonetheless he still looked sad of course, so this time it had been Rael, who had decided to take A’viloh and flee as far away as possible, seeking refuge in their house near Limsa again.

Of course this wouldn’t solve anything and they couldn’t avoid that bastard forever, but there was nothing else Rael could do about it. (Unless you counted maiming or murder a reasonable approach of course.) They simply hoped that A’viloh would soon come to his senses and realise how stupid it was to care about someone as ruthless as Thancred Waters.

***

And now this impossible man had the nerve to show up at their door! Obliviously grinning at that! They really wanted to strangle him. “What are you doing here, Thancred?”, they asked with a way too sweet tone and a strained smile, that somehow looked threatening.

“Ah! Very good question!”, he answered and laughed obliviously. “The two of you haven’t shown me your house yet! So I thought I‘d visit and see for myself!”

The carefully put together smile on Rael’s face faded as quickly as it had appeared. There was no way they would be able to remain friendly towards him even one second longer. “Well, now that you‘ve seen it, why don’t you go and—”

A’viloh, who until then was silently observing the contents of his ice cream bowl in concentration, at once snapped to attention. Alarmed he stared at the Viera while loudly proclaiming. “That’s so nice of you! Why don’t you come in first and we‘ll get you something to drink?”

He left it to Thancred to let himself in and instead grabbed Rael‘s arm to pull them into the kitchen.

“You can’t say something like this, Rael!”, he argued quietly.

“I can’t say what?”, they raised their eyebrows and didn’t bother very much to speak quietly. What bothered them though, was that A‘viloh still was so disgustingly friendly to him. Rael had thought he had understood by now, that on this man all kindness was wasted. “That, for all I care about, he can go and fuck himself?”

“Rael!”, A’viloh hissed and nervously eyed the door.

“Why?”, they simply retorted angrily, while picking up the bowl A’vi had put down on the counter and putting a light ice spell on it. They would rather have put that spell elsewhere.

“Because it‘s rude!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed. „Also, I don‘t think that would be very accurate to say considering… you know…”

“Please!”, Rael interrupted. “It’s very appalling how much thought you seem to have spared to that topic!”

A’viloh gasped. “What?! You started this! I didn’t!”

So much for gratitude!, Rael thought as they opened their mouth to retort something maybe a little bit too snarky. But just in that moment Thancred’s voice echoed from the living rooms. “You two have such a wonderful house. I already thought the garden was beautiful but in here? What a pretty place!”, he said as he pranced into the kitchen and confidently leaned onto the counter like he owned the whole place. To Thancred’s luck and Rael’s disappointment the knife block was out of the Viera‘s reach.

“Thank you…”, A‘viloh answered while still keeping an eye on Rael. The Hyur looked at them innocently smiling as if he didn’t notice at all in what a dangerous situation he had put himself. Nonchalantly he looked around and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “But don’t you think something is missing?”

“Missing??”, Rael echoed and wondered if they should break his nose and see if some of his own blood on the kitchen tiles would suit his taste more. But no! That would just give A‘viloh an opportunity to get unnecessarily worried about him again…

“What do you mean, missing?”, A‘vi asked confused and let his gaze wander through the room as well.

Thancred shrugged. “I don’t know, just a feeling… Are you already completely done with the house or is there anything left you wanted to do?”

“We are more or less done.”, replied the Miqo’te and then added. “Well, Rael still wanted a proper work desk but we didn’t have time for that yet. And maybe something to sit down in the garden or an orchestrion but that would be too much work I‘m afraid…”

Thancred nodded. “Mh, that’s a shame! I think some music would make this place even more cozy…”

(If by cozy he meant the untidy chaos A’viloh had turned their house into these last few days…)

“Right?”, the Miqo’te agreed excitedly. It was disgusting.

Rael had enough of this nonsense. They knew that it would get ugly if they had to hear only a single more word of this conversation. But just as they were about to leave with an inappropriate remark, telling themselves not to care about Thancred being a horrible person and A’viloh being an idiot, all of their linkpearls started to chime at once.

Surprised they stared at each other and then answered the call more or less simultaneously. Minfilia was on the other end of the connection asking if they all could come to the Rising Stones. Then she shortly explained that there had been new information and that all of them were to meet as soon as possible to plan their next move.

Her tone had been serious and all of them knew that this could only either mean one threat or another. While Rael went to the living room table to pick up their grimoire from beneath a heap of papers, Thancred excused himself saying that he would check a few of his own sources before meeting them later.

Rael threw a few things into a bag and went upstairs to change clothes. When they returned some minutes later A’viloh was wandering through the living room with a puzzled expression on his face, ice cream bowl in one hand (of course he wouldn’t let that go to waste!) and lifting the sofa cushions one by one with the other.

Rael sighed. “What are you doing??”

“Please tell me you’ve seen any of my weapons somewhere…”

#final fantasy xiv #final fantasy 14 #ffxiv #ff14 #ffxiv writing #ff14 screenshots #ffxiv screenshots #ffxiv gpose #gpose #a'viloh tia #rael hyskaris #thancred waters #I'm terribly sorry I wrote 2500 words just about this! :D #This was going to be something else entirely at first and all that remained of it is Rael being angry af xD #The whole thing seems a little pointless now and I proof-read it a dozen times to fix the bits I dont like but its not getting any better..#they are all a little too exaggerated here I'm afraid... but maybe that's just the way Rael sees things xD #but at least I can imagine Minfilia sending her master-spy to their house to sneakily find out what to get them for their birthday! :D #I should write something about heavensward instead!#or finally decide what I want to do with the end of the ARR patches!#Technically less *what* I want to do and more if I dare to do what I had in mind ;D

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thranduel · 2 years

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the fact that mike and will lost contact but will still decided to make a special painting for mike of their d&d party (which is so special to both of them and also a callback to their last private conversion where mike asks if will wants to join another party and will says "not possible") because will loves him so much and he missed him and he thought that giving him the painting would show that he was thinking about him the entire time and kept his promise about never joining another party even when they weren't with each other and that's why will was so excited for him to come visit but then mike arrived and couldn't even hug him properly which probably broke will and made him feel awkward and unwanted so he didn't feel comfortable giving him the painting anymore but then when he finally does give it to him he can't even tell mike that it was from him and he can't express his own feelings because it's so hard for him and the timing was awful so instead he tries to help his best friend aka the boy he's loved most of his life fix his crumbling relationship with his girlfriend because he noticed he was upset about it because THAT is how kind and loving and selfless will byers is to everyone around him even when he's treated like shit and doesn't get the love he deserves in return and it's absolutely heartbreaking

#byler #that painting was supposed to be HIS moment and i will never get over it #it's so devastating #i'm going to cry #it's even more heartbreaking if will knows mike collects his artwork of the party and he was so excited to give him this one too #or maybe he didn't know about it and then mike could've finally told him that he's always loved his art and collects it #will would've been so happy to hear that #I'M SO ANGRY #there were so many possibilities and they use it to force a straight ship back together?? i feel sick #will byers #mike wheeler #stranger things #byler analysis

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bardicbeetle · 6 months

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in which you do not escape anything, not really.

I used to sew my fingertips together, just the first layer of skin, nothing painful, nothing dangerous, just a strange little sensory tug as I watched thread pull against flesh.

(many many years down the line I would learn you did the same as a kid, I wonder how many similarities I would find looking through your childhood)

Talking is hard for me (it's hard for you too) I don't like upsetting people, I don't like conflict, I don't like having to speak when I am uncomfortable (nobody wants to hear what I have to say is your endless chorus, I am beginning to learn it isn't so dissimilar from mine) and I hate that I cry when I have to talk through something difficult.

I cry when I'm angry.

I cry when I'm worked up.

I cry when I'm happy.

Or heartbroken, or scared, or overwhelmed, or grieving.

I don't really know what it's like to cry from just plain old sad.

(I don't think you do either)

I hate what time and differences have done to the pair of us. I hate that there is so little of me left that wants you here. (Can you feel me begging for you to understand?) (Does it break your heart like it breaks mine?)

I hate what you are.

I hate what you never were.

And I know there will always be a rag made of your words in my back pocket, and a stone in my chest for the things I cannot say, and an apology to myself on my own tongue--because it is the only way I will ever get one.

#writeblr #the magician cries #lsdente #is this too personal? fucking maybe i don't know #have it anyways.#points to you if you know you know #i'm doing better mostly nowadays than I used to #i was so angry for so long #i am still so angry and so empty sometimes #but there are worse things to be and to feel

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soldier-poet-king · 9 months

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I said I wasn't gonna be mean and argumentative bc it alienates people and makes me feel bad abt myself but this is one (1) thing I'm certain about and it Actually Matters

No Jesus didn't say that being rich is inherently evil and all rich people go to hell but he did very much say the whole camel and needle thing. And rich people are SOOOOOO desperate to make it about anything other than wealth.

And like. "Not all rich people" isn't exactly a good argument here. The VAST majority (if not all) methods of accumulating wealth are unethical, either directly unethical, or at the very least profiting off of an economic structure which is designed to disadvantage the many for the benefit of the few. Yes yes there is no ethical consumption under capitalism or whatever, but there's a major difference between....buying everyday items and living on an average wage and the vast accumulation of wealth we see in the west.

I'm not even talking about the ultra rich! (Although I'd certainly argue they are the most unethical here, and the unbalanced ownership of the means of production IS a problem, regardless of your opinions on Marxist theory). But I'm talking about the comfortably middle class here too! I can't stomach it. And I genuinely don't understand how people can live like that and are still able to live with themselves. Too see suffering everyday, not even globally, but in their own cities. Obvs the exploitative ultra rich are The Real Problem here, but I think we're becoming far too comfortable with the accumulation of even casual wealth, when poverty and desperation and class inequality are only worsening.

And just to kick the hornets nets because I can and am frankly reaching a point of idgaf anger, Christians making these arguments in defense of wealth often tend to hold certain opinions about the government, and taxation, and how charity should be an individual decision and not "enforced". Okay. Fine. I don't actually like the govt either and in my ideal world sure that'd be the case. But I live in the real world and in the meantime people need to be fed and housed. However, these are the self same people who are often defending their own comfortable middle class lives and disposable income* and who aren't participating in the "freely chosen" mutual aid they apparently prefer. It just. Hm. (Leftists are ABSOLUTELY not off the hook for this one either, but when it comes to the explicitly religious argument against wealth, it oftener is a more conservative issue. 99% of religious leftists I know are radicals)

Anyway! Greed is perhaps the worst sin! Imo! The root of the majority of societal ills! And I will not fuckin stand for this rich people apologism! One good egg genuinely trying to do good in a sea of selfish people does not change the fact that the methods of accumulation are unethical, (and if it is inherited, holding onto unethically gained goods for your own benefit while others suffer is STILL unethical)

*to be clear I'm not saying we should all be ascetics. I like my creature comforts too. I'm soft and weak. But within reason. Within a certain degree of limitation. There is a point beyond which not only can we not live with our conscience, but we have a moral obligation to help each other, to do something with that wealth. Not just sit on a nest egg for another few decades so we can go on some extra vacations when retired. And yeah it's a process and we're not all zaccheus to transform ourselves overnight. But cmon. Most of us aren't even trying.

#franposting #to be clear. I'm NOT attacking anyone who rbed that post #i love u all dearly and like i GET possibly what its trying to say. and im trying to interpret it generously #but also it's SO abhorrently incorrect #and for allsll my neuroses and doubts and fears.#this is one of the few things i am absolutely certain on #ik i am extreme. im not even saying everyone needs to be as extreme with it as i am #i feel guilt over things and spending i perhaps shouldnt #but there is a point. a point where it has gone too far #and i think we dont acknowledge that that point is much closer to upper middle class than it is to billionare #i cant stomach it. i cannot stomach the way so many of us live #i see my school friends. my coworkers. and i am disgusted by the way society has chosen to live #and by the way individuals choose to perpetuate it #im barely scraping by sometimes and stressed always. but this is preferable to wealth #i genuinely fully belief greed is the bigger cause of evil than any other vice. absolutely #and yet it is the one we rationalize most because so often we dont acknowledge it for what it is. as greed #we say its investing or nest egg saving or maintaining a certain level of living #and i am. and continue to be. disgusted #maybe i am an angry evil vile radical. so be it #i cannot look away from the worlds suffering anymore. nor my part in perpetuating it #i will walk gently on this earth and live open handed and open hearted #and in doing so. i will rage rage against the dying of the light.#it is not mildness. i am fighting against going gentle into that good night #peter singer with what we owe each other was a bit extreme and maybe triggers my ocd in a bad way sometimes #but also he definitely made some points viz. the moral obligation to help others up to where it would not incur an equal harm to ourselves #anyway! im mad! but anger is better than empty sadness perhaps.#i am going to reread the grief of stones. and continue on my righteous anger religious injustice bent. thara celehar the only one out there

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manasurge · 7 months

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So, I was just adding stuff to my ideas notes/lists (for scenarios I want to draw in the future + whatever OC ideas I have so I don't forget them later), and I accidentally got a little TOO into this Mourynn and Faolain scene that was originally just meant to be a funny and snarky jest exchange. But uh, it suddenly went a lot gayer than I was expecting, and now I REALLY wanna work on it laskjdflaskj (this is Firstborn era stuff before the Secondborn exist, for a bit of context) (I mean, I'm still doing two big WIPs atm, and I don't wanna get caught in never ending WIP hell, but HNNG I really wanna do this... I COULD give myself three WIPs... how many WIPs is the minimum needed requirement needed to properly qualify for WIP hell...? I can get away with one more, right??? )

#OC stuff #screaming internally #gotta love it when you're super tired and your brain goes into autopilot daydream autofill writing mode #I think I have enough info in this scene to sort of give enough of a context to what's going on with the 3 of them #Tho I wasn't expecting the first one that I wanted to work on to be a Faolain one; but it just kind of happened naturally #then again there's not a lot of Faolain art out there so maybe this is a good thing that I add more to the wild #and yes I know she's a horrible person; but I still love her too. I love my villains; they make things extra spicy #however I'm angry that the next two days are my longer shifts at work; so this is gonna be very frustrating bc all I wanna do is draw

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