#i cannot look away from the worlds suffering anymore. nor my part in perpetuating it

[soldier-poet-king]

I said I wasn't gonna be mean and argumentative bc it alienates people and makes me feel bad abt myself but this is one (1) thing I'm certain about and it Actually Matters

No Jesus didn't say that being rich is inherently evil and all rich people go to hell but he did very much say the whole camel and needle thing. And rich people are SOOOOOO desperate to make it about anything other than wealth.

And like. "Not all rich people" isn't exactly a good argument here. The VAST majority (if not all) methods of accumulating wealth are unethical, either directly unethical, or at the very least profiting off of an economic structure which is designed to disadvantage the many for the benefit of the few. Yes yes there is no ethical consumption under capitalism or whatever, but there's a major difference between....buying everyday items and living on an average wage and the vast accumulation of wealth we see in the west.

I'm not even talking about the ultra rich! (Although I'd certainly argue they are the most unethical here, and the unbalanced ownership of the means of production IS a problem, regardless of your opinions on Marxist theory). But I'm talking about the comfortably middle class here too! I can't stomach it. And I genuinely don't understand how people can live like that and are still able to live with themselves. Too see suffering everyday, not even globally, but in their own cities. Obvs the exploitative ultra rich are The Real Problem here, but I think we're becoming far too comfortable with the accumulation of even casual wealth, when poverty and desperation and class inequality are only worsening.

And just to kick the hornets nets because I can and am frankly reaching a point of idgaf anger, Christians making these arguments in defense of wealth often tend to hold certain opinions about the government, and taxation, and how charity should be an individual decision and not "enforced". Okay. Fine. I don't actually like the govt either and in my ideal world sure that'd be the case. But I live in the real world and in the meantime people need to be fed and housed. However, these are the self same people who are often defending their own comfortable middle class lives and disposable income* and who aren't participating in the "freely chosen" mutual aid they apparently prefer. It just. Hm. (Leftists are ABSOLUTELY not off the hook for this one either, but when it comes to the explicitly religious argument against wealth, it oftener is a more conservative issue. 99% of religious leftists I know are radicals)

Anyway! Greed is perhaps the worst sin! Imo! The root of the majority of societal ills! And I will not fuckin stand for this rich people apologism! One good egg genuinely trying to do good in a sea of selfish people does not change the fact that the methods of accumulation are unethical, (and if it is inherited, holding onto unethically gained goods for your own benefit while others suffer is STILL unethical)

*to be clear I'm not saying we should all be ascetics. I like my creature comforts too. I'm soft and weak. But within reason. Within a certain degree of limitation. There is a point beyond which not only can we not live with our conscience, but we have a moral obligation to help each other, to do something with that wealth. Not just sit on a nest egg for another few decades so we can go on some extra vacations when retired. And yeah it's a process and we're not all zaccheus to transform ourselves overnight. But cmon. Most of us aren't even trying.

#franposting #to be clear. I'm NOT attacking anyone who rbed that post #i love u all dearly and like i GET possibly what its trying to say. and im trying to interpret it generously #but also it's SO abhorrently incorrect #and for allsll my neuroses and doubts and fears. #this is one of the few things i am absolutely certain on #ik i am extreme. im not even saying everyone needs to be as extreme with it as i am #i feel guilt over things and spending i perhaps shouldnt #but there is a point. a point where it has gone too far #and i think we dont acknowledge that that point is much closer to upper middle class than it is to billionare #i cant stomach it. i cannot stomach the way so many of us live #i see my school friends. my coworkers. and i am disgusted by the way society has chosen to live #and by the way individuals choose to perpetuate it #im barely scraping by sometimes and stressed always. but this is preferable to wealth #i genuinely fully belief greed is the bigger cause of evil than any other vice. absolutely #and yet it is the one we rationalize most because so often we dont acknowledge it for what it is. as greed #we say its investing or nest egg saving or maintaining a certain level of living #and i am. and continue to be. disgusted #maybe i am an angry evil vile radical. so be it #i cannot look away from the worlds suffering anymore. nor my part in perpetuating it #i will walk gently on this earth and live open handed and open hearted #and in doing so. i will rage rage against the dying of the light. #it is not mildness. i am fighting against going gentle into that good night #peter singer with what we owe each other was a bit extreme and maybe triggers my ocd in a bad way sometimes #but also he definitely made some points viz. the moral obligation to help others up to where it would not incur an equal harm to ourselves #anyway! im mad! but anger is better than empty sadness perhaps. #i am going to reread the grief of stones. and continue on my righteous anger religious injustice bent. thara celehar the only one out there

[h3l10tr0p3]

MANGA CH. 284 SPOILERS

OF REDEMPTIONS AND ATONEMENTS:

We all been knew, man. We all knew this was coming.

And godDAMN does it fucking HURT. (oh the sweet sweet angstfest this whole chapter is, just *chef's kiss*)

But i legit cannot put into words how deep the choice to 'Atone' cuts on my bleeding bkdk heart. Let's first take a step back and see how Katsuki went from DvK2 to here- that one keystone moment that has given us this beautiful chapter: And I meant ALLLL the way back to Chap. 252

I have already written a whole-ass post based on this panel, which you can check Here.

TL;DR Katsuki was actually paying real close attention to Endeavour in this part. He came to Endeavour to learn exactly what he was missing as a Hero, but he learnt so much more.

This scene in particular left a momentous impact on Kacchan. Here, Natsuo is resistant to the idea of forgiving his father for all his sins just because he is more involved in their lives now. And Endeavour had been dreaming for a while about a Home where he is not present with the rest of the Todoroki's which ultimately gave him the idea of buying a house for the others to live in apart from him. This is HUGE. This is what actually drove Endeavour's Redemption home- the perfect understanding and the perfect compensation, the two elements of a brilliant Redemption Arc. NOT THE FORGIVENESS, just as Enji says it. It is NEVER ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS.

Endeavour understood that it was his presence that caused his family distress, and although he dearly wanted to be a part of his family again, was even making efforts towards it by being cordial and accepting of Shouto's friends, inviting them to a family dinner, etc. etc. Endeavour realized the only way he can compensate/atone was to give up something that would cause him suffering, and them happiness. The idea that your family doesnt want you, when you just started to show some effort and HOPE that they might see you in different light, maybe forgive you and then to just terminate those ties entirely, punting yourself into a void where NO ONE CAN COME IN AND SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SUFFERING, is exactly what Endeavour did. He is actively shutting down the ONE window through which his family could see that he was suffering, and miserable, and wanted to be a part of the family again. Endeavour CHOSE to not be forgiven. To writhe with the knowledge of his sins day in and day out with only the shrine of Dabi Touya to haunt him every waking minute.

I cannot explain just how much determination it takes to do that, man. It's just- WOW.

Excuse me for ranting on Endeavour in a bkdk post, but I swear this has a point. And All Might says this the best:

This is the fanlation, the official release (which I couldnt get my hands on) also mentions that "When I meant you were like Endeavour, I meant the Change"

This here is an important bit that AM has caught onto.

In the 252 panel, where Endeavour says 'It's not like I want forgiveness' (Because Endeavour understands he cannot be, should not be, forgiven) "I just want to make up for everything I have done" (and to back this up, Endeavour shuts down the one communication link that could have offered him forgiveness, and thus salvation from the weight of his sins and his guilt)

Katsuki understood Endeavour's idea of redemption very well here, although he might not be shown with that light-bulb moment. He may have already known this wayyy before Endeavour said anything, but those words lent a solidity and to the path he must persue to acheive redemption: And it's Not forgiveness.

Let me tell you why I think Atonement is the greater factor here, even greater than Redemption itself. Redemption has an end-point: Forgiveness. But Atonement doesn't. Atonement has no expiry date. Atonement is purely propelled by the understanding of self, and the weight of guilt the self bears, whereas a Redemption is All About The Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an external force, it may or may not be given to you and that is completely up to the person who has been wronged. Atonement is self-imposed, it is a meditation of the soul to forgive itself against the guilt it carries.

If Redemption is a marathon with a banner at the finish line, Atonement is trying to drag a twenty pounds of rocks through the Sahara desert without water, food or a compass- it's endless, hopeless.

And this is why Atonement is greater than Redemption.

And do you think someone as stubborn as Kastuki will ever find himself atoned of his deeds? No. And That, my friends, is The Point. In 252, when Endeavour says, "I dont want forgiveness" it's not just him saying it- it's also Katsuki. "I just want to make it upto you", is also Katsuki.

And to prove it, Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness. A verbal apology will be nice, sure. Especially since dumb-ass, gay-ass, 'Kacchan-sugoi' ass Izuku Doesn't even See it as Atonement. He is just #Blessed that Kacchan and he can talk almost-naturally again. And that is also Katsuki's intention- because the moment Izuku knows, he won't be able to atone this way anymore.

So, as much as I HATE to say this, the chances of a voluntary verbal apology are slim. If allowed to go on like this, Kacchan with continue to shadow Izuku through his life, worrying about him, LOSING SLEEP OVER HIM :

LOOK AT THOSE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES. /*shoves panels in yo face*/LOOK

Can you believe this bitch-ass gremlin who goes to sleep at 8:30 got bags just from stressing over his Deku??????

LOOK AT HIM DOING A HECCIN' MAJOR KOKORO-STOPPING CONCERN.

(He is flipping his shit because he worries, and he worries so much, and has worried for him for a long LONG time.)

- Katsuki will continue on this path of being Izuku's support.

Forever if it takes.

Forever, he hopes, it takes-

Because the only way he will stop is in death, either his own or Deku's.

This is his Atonement: To undo everything he once did, to support Izuku's dream instead of squashing it; To help him get stronger instead of perpetuating the narrative on his weakness; To protect him from all harm, when he once hurt; To be on his side when the whole world is against him, because once he was all, but, for him; To save Izuku as he wins, to win as he saves.

And, To deny each oppurtunity of forgiveness even as he desperately longs to be unburdened of his guilt.

Because Katsuki knows:

He knows Izuku is that one of a million, he is kind and humble and considerate and loving to a fault.

Katsuki knows that Izuku will forgive him in a heartbeat. That is just the kind of selfless, beautiful person he is.

Unlike Endeavour, who had no guarantee to forgiveness, Katsuki does. And that is what makes Katsuki's Atonement more powerful than Endeavour's. He recognizes it is in his grasp, just an arm's length away...

....Just an arm's length.

And Katsuki will deny himself that. Because he does not believe he deserves it. He hasn't atoned enough for it.

"Keep At Arm's Length"

He says. Because this is the critical distance between them. Not "Stay an arm's length away", because Katsuki doesn't wanna run away from Deku, and he doesn't want to be too far away to protect him, nor does he want to get too close to finally recieve the forgiveness that will give him salvation.

This is the fine balancing act Katsuki must maintain indefintely till he believes he has acheived his idea of atonement. (And when has he ever been happy just the bare minimum?)

I know I said Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness, and a voluntary verbal apology is very unlikely, because in it's very nature, it is inviting a forgiveness from Izuku, which we have established, Katsuki wants to avoid. And if this were any other manga, we would have been doomed to this conclusion. But, there is a scenario when Katsuki might issue a verbal apology and that is when Katsuki knows there isn't enough time to be forgiven in turn, or, hasn't atoned enough and can no longer continue to.

Like when Katsuki launches off, to deliver a final kamikaze blow to a villain, and he has only enough time to tell Deku a short "I am sorry", but not enough time to wait for a reply. Or when Deku is dying and at his final moments, when Katsuki knows however much he has atoned isn't enough and isn't how Deku should leave, without closure.

Whatever the future may hold, my dear readers, Katsuki still has a long, long way to go. And I hope to see him live through everything, to be there -

To survive these wars with Deku, To fight alongside him, To protect him. To win. To save.

To Live.

To hear Deku say "I had forgiven you a long time ago";

and ofcourse,

To forgive himself.

#bakudeku #katsudeku #katsuki x izuku #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugou #midoriya izuku #deku midoriya #bnha midoriya #deku #kacchan #endeavour #allmight #bnha spoilers #bnha manga #mha spoilers #bnha 284

[werevulvi]

This is a very long, ranty post that's only lightly edited. It's about me deciding to basically leave radfem, so I wanted to be thorough about explaining how and why. And this is mainly because my blog ended up existing in a radblr bubble, deemed as hostile by other ideologies/groups of people, and I need to break out of that bubble, because I feel trapped in it. I'm not sure how, as I may have to start over with a new blog entirely, but I'd hope to avoid that if at all possible (my blog is my baby.) So I'm thinking that making this kinda post is a good start in trying to change how my blog vibes and what kinda blogs I can interact with in a non-debate kinda sense. Basically, damage control.

A while ago, I made some post about how I wanted to move away from the worst rudefem stuff of radfem, for the sake of my mental health. Well, I've now hit a point of wanting to take further steps away from radfem, pretty much altogether. The main reason for this is that there's still too much focus on ragging on trans women, and trans people in general. It's suffocating me, because I'm not all that detrans and I'm not anti-male. I miss connecting with other trans people, and I miss being part of that community. Truth is I've become really fucking hateful towards my own kind and I've been in denial of it. This has been carving a hole in my heart that my radfem views have carved even deeper, and it has led me to become a quite lost soul.

Do I hate trans women? No, but I clearly act as if I do, and I don't feel comfortable with my own actions and thoughts towards/about them anymore. Are some of them cumbrains fetishising my oppression (misogyny) and/or predators? Yes, undoubtedly. But I am not a collectivist and I can't view all trans women like that. Nor does it sit right with me to treat them all as potential predators. I care about trans women in general, ultimately because I am trans too and their struggles reflect my own. I cannot shit on them without shitting on myself. But it's not just about me. I feel empathy for them, and I want to extend kindness and care towards them. I cannot with any goodness in my heart view them as men. Males, yes, but not men. More on that diffentiation later in this post.

I do not want to politisise their gender identities as women, because I don't want my own gender politisised, regardless if that is man, woman, or otherwise. (More on that later too.) I don't want to trap them in the category of "man" because I do not want to be trapped in the category of "woman" as if our transitions and gender incongruence meant nothing at all. Do our transitions change bio sex? No, and I'm not arguing that. I'm saying transition changes SOMETHING and that that something matters. And in a lot of contexts, it even matters more than bio sex.

But isn't that just an emotional argument, like boohoo, my/their feefees? YES, it's an emotional argument. But you know what: I believe that feelings matter, about as equally much as facts and logic matters. An argument being emotional does not make it necessarily useless or invalid. Grave robbery and necrophilia is illegal due to purely emotional arguments. Perhaps think about if that's useless.

I care about trans women's feelings and comfort, not just their rights, and I care about men's feelings and comfort too, because I do not think individual males' oppression being patriarchy's fault even remotely means that "men cause their own problems" because one male suffering at the hands of other men (patriarchy) is NOT his own fault. And him reaching out to women for help when other men fail him AGAIN shouldn't be hard to understand. Of course it's optional to help him or not then, but I feel like it is truly heartless not to, unless he is some kinda raging misogynist. I see that kinda vibe a lot in radfem circles and it honestly churns my stomach. That kinda man-hating is to me absolutely repugnant. You do you, but I will not support it.

Why do I care about males? Because they're human. They're the same species as me, and I care about them as one human to another. Because I don't believe there's any difference between males and females beyond the physical biology stuff. Socialisation varies from person to person. I've always been a person of principles, so I can't sit around and say I only care about fellow females and all females, because no one choses to be born female - and then in the same breath hate males for essentially having been born male, which they also did not choose. If I had been born male, I'd probably hate radfem, and that says something. It's very fucking lopsided, and barely even to my favour.

And I've been asking myself that a lot lately: Is radfem even to my (a bio female's) favour - or is it only the the favour of some kinda statistic average of a general female who doesn't even exist? I dunno, but it's an important question to ask.

This is getting ranty already, but hey I'm trying.

Trans women and males aside, radfem often has a kinda negative view of trans men (and any variety of dysphoric females) that I've always felt iffy about, but first thought I had been mistaken about. It seemed for a long while that radfem is totally supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females, but..... upon closer look, it appears a little bit rotten, sorry to say. Because lately I've come to realise maybe I was kinda right from the start that radfem really is not as supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females as it claims to be. This is probably not intentionally unsupportive, I'm aware, but some of the things that really stand out to me like sore thumbs:

1.) The idea that if gender abolishion happened, no one would be dysphoric or wish to transition medically, is frankly incredibly unfounded. Do you have ANY evidence for that dysphoria is ENTIRELY social, because I've yet to see any reliable study on this. As far as I'm concerned this is just a theory based on essentially the exclusion method that all the biology-based theories are incomplete. So this strong assertion that a genderless society would have no trans people (with sex dysphoria only) gives me this unsettling vibe that radfem is not at all supportive of transition, but would prooobably prefer it if no one was trans - even in a world where gender is abolished and transitioned females are masculine women who just like looking like males, and transitioned males are feminine men who just like looking like females, and I dunno dysphoric nonbinary people would just be men and women who transition in a variety of atypical ways.

Which was always what I envisioned. That no one would be FORCED to be feminine or masculine or anything, because of their sex - NOT that trans people would be forced or expected to accept their physical sex characteristics. Because I don't know about you, but I've personally never based my sex dysphoria on that it's too hard to live as a masculine woman, and I've met tons of other trans people who feel the same way about that. It's a myth about dysphoric trans people, and I think perpetuating it does more harm than good.

Feminism, gender abolishion, etc, probably can't cure anyone's sex dysphoria. And even just striving towards that is a little iffy. How about leave it up to the dysphorics if we wanna be cured? Because I bet most radfems would not wanna enforce a cure for autism if that became a thing, or strive towards curing the world of autism. So why do it with sex/gender dysphoria? Point is I'm just noticing these uncomfortable, kinda hidden anti-trans sentiments behind the gender abolishion idea. I'm FOR gender abolishion, but only if transition would still be available in such a future. But I'm sensing that's not what radfem is actually about, and I've been properly fucking fooled. If so... fuck you for that.

2.) Some of you operate on the false assumption that trans people never pass as the opposite sex. This level of intellectual dishonesty is skewing radfem certain arguments really badly, and makes them appear poorly thought-out at best, and impossible to implement in real life at worst.

3.) The idea that sex segregated spaces can be upheld in a world where some people pass as the opposite sex, is frankly ludicrous to me, if you think of how it would actually pan out in practice. If women's spaces became only ever available for bio women, and males spaces only available for bio men, I'd be banned from both, due to my own transition. (And why the flying fuck would I promote that? I'm not insane.) Because there is no way I can prove that my sex is female, most people do not even believe that my sex is female when I tell them, and I already get tossed out from women's spaces due to that I just look like a man.

People's failure to believe I'm THAT passable irl, is about as frustrating as people's failure to believe I'm actually female, and both those people's arguments on where I "should" go is entirely useless garbage. This doesn't only affect me, but a lot of trans people out there in the world. And then I'm probably more accommodating to this kinda drama, than what most trans people would even be willing to pretend to put up with. I am your faithful lapdog, yet I still get my teeth kicked in for being annoying. To which I have to ask myself: is this kinda martyrdom really worth it? Other trans people often see me as self-hating for being a radfem, and I'm sadly starting to see why.

And to then claim I could just use gender neutral spaces is frankly robbing me of MY female rights. To treat me as a threat to other women is very uncalled for, and yes... misogynistic. And to assume that male-passing females would be welcome in women's spaces in such a world is frankly laughable. Masculine women who have not even touched a vial of testosterone in their lives already have trouble being allowed in women only spaces that have harder rules on "no trans women allowed." This is anti-trans in a way which I cannot support.

If I am to be barred from women's spaces (which I am) because I look like a man, then I WILL use men's spaces. Because I refuse to be dehumanised and stuffed into a "trans toilet/locker room" for other people's convenience. The majority's comfort does NOT get to override my personal comfort. Especially considering men (in general) are not actually uncomfortable with my presense in their spaces, because I look like I belong there. So there is not even any damn argument to be made against me using male only space. This is not because of me wanting some kinda validation for how much of a "man" I "identify" as or whatever. This is about me not wanting to be dehumanised for my medical condition or for how I choose to treat it. Because yes, barring me from both men's and women's spaces does feel a lot like considering me sub-human, because my physical body is frightening, unsettling, gross, or otherwise inconvenient for "normal" men and women to be subjected to. Fuck that noise. I am just as much human and I deserve the same level of basic respect, and that should not be asking for too much. I will not sink below that bar. That's like telling a disabled person that they "have to" use the disabled space because their amputation (or whatever is their ailment) freaks people out, even if they're capable of using the regular men's/women's space despite their condition. So, I'd say barring trans people from both men's and women's spaces is actually rather ableist.

So how do I think that issue should be solved then? Honestly I do not have a solution. So I'd say skip the sex segregation of stuff like bathrooms and locker rooms completely (but keep it for stuff like sports and rape relief shelters) and let trans people themselves figure out which space suits them best, and only intervene in cases when they make a really poor judgement. The only other option would be allowing ALL females in women's spaces (yes, including fully passing trans men) and vice versa all males into men's spaces, but I'm extremely worried about how exactly passing trans people would be expected to go about proving they're going to the right spaces. So I'd say don't do shit until we have found a better (actually better) solution.

Because I can't sit here and say that trans women should never use the women's locker rooms, while I go showering butt naked in the men's locker room. That would be a very hypocritical double standard. Yes, I think passable and/or post-op trans women can and should be allowed to use women only spaces. Based on that I think passable and/or post-op trans men can and should be allowed to use men only spaces, but I do not think that is a perfect or ideal solution.

3.) There's just in general a lot of negativity towards medical transition and how trans people look; our desires, hopes, goals and our dysphoria. This feeds my self-hatred like fuck. Yeah I'd consider myself a rather strong person in general, but I'm not made of concrete, and I think radfem and gender critical thought has broken me down a lot, which took me a while to notice. I don't even know if the real reason I'm calling myself a woman nowadays is because my dream of being a man in ANY sorta sense (be it fantasy or reality) has become completely crushed. Yet I'm unable to truly be okay with being a woman.

Yes, I truly love my pussy, I'm fine with my reproductive ability (producing ova, chance at pregnancy) and in general I like that I started off on a female ground. I love that I have small hands and feet, and a relatively small frame. I really like my height, that I'm not very tall, but do tower most other females. So there's a lot I like about being bio female, and it's mostly things I can't change about my physique anyway. As for my curves, I seem to sometimes like it and sometimes not. I'm also okay with having cellulites and stretch marks. But what I'm NOT fine with about being female is being driven by estrogen, my body's natural gravitation and persistense towards re-feminising itself as soon as I went off of testosterone, having breasts, having less muscle mass than males, having a higher voice, having little to no body/facial hair, etc. I am not fine with being recognised as a woman, or having most female secondary sex characteristics, or lacking male secondary sex characteristics.

This does make me feel like although I'm actually fine with simply being bio female, I'm only fine with it on the condition that I get to look/sound/appear as close to male as medically possible. And does that make me a man in the bio male sorta sense? No, obviously not, but I'm starting to ask myself: Why the FUCK does it matter so goddamn much?! I am sick and tired of being a political pawn no matter where I go. I just wanna live my life.

And radfem discourse (as well as TRA discourse) is so goddamn far from real life it's honestly pathetic and destructive. Most people really don't give a fuck if I'm male or female, or if I have a dick or pussy. It's only really relevant for my doctors and my sex partners. But outside of those very specific contexts, I do like being open about my bio sex, because it just makes it easier to be open about my life, and I feel like that's a good reason to be open about it. However, being open about it solely because some people on the internet think people's bio sex is absolutely crucial info (outside of the context of sex/dating and docs) does not feel good.

I shouldn't feel pressured to be so open about myself, just to not feel guilty for how I choose to treat my dysphoria. I should not have to feel this guilty.

I think my opinions on gender are actually unhealthy for me. I understand more and more that people's opinions on gender are largely just based on their own personal experiences with whatever trans people they've stumbled across. There is no objective facts on what gender is and what it is not. If it's an internal identity or just social roles and clothing. If it's somewhat biological or entirely socially constructed. I feel like I've been arguing bullshit semantics that don't even hold water. I'm not saying that bio sex is changable or a spectrum or completely unimportant, or anything like that. When I say gender I don't mean biological sex.

I'm not saying that I'm not biogically female. I'm saying that just because I'm a female, doesn't mean I cannot also be a man - under, not another, but just slightly looser definition of man which is still connected to physical maleness - in contexts where it simply does not, and should not, matter if I do not fit someone else's definition of what a man or woman is. Because maybe semantics are killing discourse more than it's killing real life issues like human rights. Just saying.

But I dunno what I want with my gender or my label. But I think my realisation that I need to scrap my views and values in regards to gender altogether, and rebuild them from scratch... might actually quite likely change my sense of my gendered self (again.) Because you know what? My gender identity seems very highly influenced by my opinions of gender as a whole, and not just by my dysphoria. If I go by just my dysphoria, I think I would consider myself a trans man, which is why I guess I never truly stopped considering that... but my opinions on gender as a whole (women's rights, female liberation, gender abolishion, trans stuff, bio sex, etc) intervene and conflict with that, and makes me wanna be both a woman and a trans man at the same time, which I can't. So I end up being pulled in two opposing directions.

It's just that up until recently my opinions on gender used to matter more to me than tending to my dysphoria. And now I've come to a point where I don't think I wanna have that sorta prioritisation anymore, because it's having real bad effect on my mental health.

And I need to get very real with myself and ask myself if this really is the life I want. Upon knowing that I'm not actually comfortable with my own opinions, and their affects on my mental health is not actually worth advocating for female liberation, which I already know by now. Then my next step is to take a step back and try to consume less media from any and all sides of the discourse, and listen to my intuition again. Hear myself out. This might take a while, and in the meantime I'm just gonna have to say that my stance on feminism, trans stuff, women's rights, etc, is "under construction."

And as for my goddamn gender label... I'm half okay with pretty much anything right now. Transmasc, woman, ftm, trans man, dysphoric female, masculine/gnc/male-passing woman, etc, is all fine. It's not really about how other people label me anyway. How I label myself is the only thing that truly matters to me in that regard. That it's with self-respect, love and care... and not for political reasons.

I think that's just the thing. That I need to stop doing shit I'm not comfortable with just for political reasons.

With that said, I also wanna briefly touch upon other aspects of radfem that I find myself either no longer agreeing with, or just no longer caring about.

The sex work industry: I know it's bad. But I no longer care and I still might wanna become a sex worker one day. At least I wanna try it. Because no I don't want for sex to be personal, private or hidden. I feel like that's just not how I wanna express my sexuality. And sex is the ONLY of my passions I can in any way imagine turning into a job. Because it's the only one of my passions I never get tired of, and also never truly get obsessed with either. Sorry if the sex industry hurt you personally, but I kinda fail to see how that's my problem, or my responsibility, or how it would seal my fate. I don't wanna live my life after other people's problems, and I cannot learn from other people's mistakes (for those who chose it but still got burned.)

Watching porn, engaging in bdsm, etc: After having tried for a couple of years to heal my broken sexuality and to enjoy vanilla sex, I'm frankly giving up. Some say I'd have to go celibate and work really hard on my trauma for it to have effect, which... honestly I'd rather eat a bullet than do that. I saw a sexologist once last summer and oooooh BOY did that go badly! She basically told me I'm just kinky and need to work on accepting myself. That hurt a lot, and made me give up extra hard on psychiatry again (like it was the last drop again) but it made me realise that there just isn't any help for me out there. And that I'm also not willing to do anything drastic to change it on my own.

That what I want is to have a sex life that I enjoy. So... I'll go back to what simply works for me: bdsm sex. That's not entirely without some reluctance and hesitation, and I do plan on going about it in safer ways than I previously did. Like for example only doing it with people I trust and know well, use safety words, etc, as a bare minimum. I'm learning everything I can about safer bdsm practices, well before actually diving into it. But thing is that I like such extreme "kinks" that it's never gonna be entirely safe, and.... I guess I can't be fucked to care anymore, and I'm tired of even just hearing about the preachings of how bad hardcore bdsm is. Like yeah, I know it's bad, now shut up now and leave me the fuck alone to live/ruin my own damn life.

And as for porn: I never quite quit it, just reduced it by a lot. Again, not denying the harms about it, just not caring enough to change my habits.

Conclusions and wrapping it up: Basically, I've always been a Trauma Queen and I just wanna be myself again. I don't think my former views (more egalitarian/equality based rather than female liberation, and neither individualist nor collectivist) were bad or wrong, but rather that how I implemented them into my life and disregarded danger which was bad. Bio sex matters, but I think gender matters too, and the world is what it is. I have to accept that if I'm gonna have the slightest chance of living a happy life. I can't force myself to live according to feminist ideals for the sake of women in general, when those ideals smother my flame.

I cannot claim that either of the things radfem stand against are all inherently bad. I cannot claim that transitioning shouldn't be a thing, even in a perfect world, because I wanna bring my testosterone with me everywhere I go. I cannot claim that there's any "one road fits all" to happiness for all people, or all women. I cannot be a hypocrite who only values female lives when male lives are at core equally valuable. That has nothing to do with pandering to men. All it means is that I want a world where men and women can live in peace together, and if that's not possible, then at least I wanna live my own life in peace with myself, making whichever decisions I see fit for myself, and surround myself with both men and women who are respectful and decent people. I do not want to try to force my life to fit an ultimately flawed ideology. And all ideologies are flawed.

I'm flawed. We all are, and that is okay. Yes, I wanna strive towards happiness and some health and safety, but not ultimate health or 100% secure safety. Health and safety should not come at the expense of fun and happiness, if at all possible. Because I still need some amount of danger to find enjoyment in things, and I think having fun and getting bitter lessons is more important, than being healthy and safe. I've always thought that. It might just even be a core value of mine, and it does conflict with radfem values. What matters to me in life is in conflict with radfem values. I need to learn moderation and to balance fun with health, happiness with safety, and transitioning with reality. But what I do not need is to wingclip myself because of what matters to other people.

Radfem has taught me a lot of good stuff, it has made me aware of a lot of shit I didn't wanna know, but now it's time to move on and leave it behind me.

Please note that I do not mean to demonise radfem as inherently bad, fearmongering, transphobic, etc. It still has a lot of good points that I agree with. And I may still likely reblog and interact with radfem posts that I do feel are good and/or interesting. I just don't wanna lock myself to radfem as an ideology anymore. I do not think radfem is the ultimate truth, and I do not think there even is ANY ultimate truth to such things as gender.

I'm saying that I declare myself no longer a radical feminist because I am no longer dedicated to the cause as a whole. Not that it's suddenly all bad.

I wanna spread my wings and just be my problematic, true self... this sex-crazed, kinky tranny who deep down loves being a transitioned female, but also don't want for any female to suffer oppression simply because of how they were born, but also sees trans women as "women enough", values male lives and their opinions, etc! Whatever else I might think and feel which I haven't figured out yet. Instead of a forcing myself to become a perfect pawn for completely sex-based feminism.

I may adopt some of my old TRA views back, as well as some of my old libfem views. I will not limit myself to only one school of thought, ANY one school of thought. Please remember that if you're thinking I'm gonna go back to be a TRA libfem entirely, because that is NOT the case. What I'm breaking out of is the tribalism and extremism of radfem: the radical part of feminism. Because ultimately, that radical part of feminism, what I've been describing (perhaps poorly) throughout this post, is what's become suffocating for me.

I need to find myself again, beyond EVERY ideology that's telling me how I should think, feel and live my life. I've had enough of that shit. I need to think and feel freely, and live my life for myself.

Thank you all for your patience with me.

#radfem #leaving radfem #some criticism but i do not hate you #re-evaluating myself and my values #not directed at anyone specific #not like id remember who said what anyway lol #this became more of a vent than i had anticipated #excruciatingly long post

[blueyemxn]

My Persephone (Pt. 5)

A Broken Exchange

Spoiler Warning: Content below contains spoilers for the lvl 80 Shadowbringers MSQ, if you have not reached this point in the game and do not wish to be spoiled please refrain from reading. Otherwise enjoy my trash shipping at your own risk.

Relationship: Emet-SelchxWoL          

Ao3 Story - Here    Part One: Here    Part Two: Here    Part Three: Here    Part Four: Here    Part Six: Here

“This really is unexceptionable. I gave you very specific instructions.” 

He lumbered sluggishly, still slouched over as he approached the Warrior of Darkness and her companions, eyes ever downcast in disappointment. Disappointment in her, that she would dare share this ancient ground with others. That she would bring her friends to a place only special to themselves. He had known from the moment they stepped into Amaurot that she wasn’t alone, and yet now he complains about it? How so… him.

“Emet-Selch.” There came a growl from Alphinaud, but Nua paid him no mind, her eyes focused on the Ascian before her. 

She took a step, then two, then three and suddenly she was there in front of him, so close that if she took a deep breath their bodies would touch. “Last I checked I didn’t need your permission to do anything, least of all to bring them at my final hours.” 

Her eyes bore into him, challenging his golden stare that didn’t change from its disapproving glance.

Her chest tightened; she hated it when he looked at her like that, like he was trying to make her feel guilty. “Though, all things considered, I did try to come alone, seems my friends are just as stubborn as I.” 

“As if we’d let you confront this bastard alone in the state you’re in,” Thancred said as she heard a click from his gunblade. Cute, but Nua didn’t find it necessary, though it warmed her heart to know they cared about her that much. To risk themselves like this when she was about to turn and probably devour them all.  

“No matter. In the end my invitation was for an abomination, a being ripe with power to bring about this shard’s annihilation. Not this half-broken… thing. Whatever am I to do with you?” He asked mockingly, the last of his words ending in a sneer as he continued to stare down with condescension. She glared back, the word broken echoing within the realm of her mind, digging itself into her heart.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

“I’m nothing but broken.”

“Such an odd thing to say, it’s something Emet-Selch would surely debate against.”

“Only because he doesn’t know.”

“You’d be surprised. He may not speak about such things, but he knows, he always knows.”

Cracks began to form beneath her feet, splitting the marble as the beast within grows restless. Her fingers dug into her arms, twitching as she was given the overwhelming desire to slap him across the face with such force his head would come clean off. The only thing that stopped her was a tug at the heart, a long forgotten devotion to a man who wasn’t himself anymore. 

“It took a painstakingly long time to make that and here you are breaking it into pieces. Are you already so far gone that you can’t control yourself?” There came a long, drawn out sigh from his lips as he looked down to the floor with a bored expression before those orbs of ichor went back to hers. 

Her eyebrow twitched and she opened her mouth to say something.

“You’re not going to let him get to you that easily, are you?” Ardbert asked, walking next to her. “He knows nothing about you, nothing about this world. He does not have the right to dictate who lives and who dies. It stands to reason he shouldn’t dictate how you feel, right?” There was a warmth in his voice, as if he were smiling, but Nua dared not break her eye contact with Emet-Selch to look. 

Her shard was right though, giving into her anger would just fuel the rapidly encroaching light within her soul. She had to stave it off as much as possible. And she refused to let the bastard have the satisfaction of tipping her over the edge just because he knew how to push her buttons.

For a moment she closed her eyes and in that time did the cracks stop and the air went back to normal. She opened them slightly to give off the same bored expression he had. “As if I’d get angry over the lies that spew out of your mouth; please.” She scoffed, half turning away.

“As I’ve stated before, hero, I have not uttered a single lie through this entire endeavor; about you least of all. You are what your are, a broken shell, a shattered remnant of what once was and what will be again once the one true god is resurrected.” 

“And how, pray tell, do you intend to bring back the dead? Even a god as powerful as yours couldn’t simply bring back every single one of your people without something drastic in return.” Y’shtola noted, hardened glance on Emet-Selch to see if he had an answer. Such a request was hardly an easy task and even Hydaelyn had no such ability to reanimate, though that was never her intended purpose.

Suddenly he smirked and he lifted his arms as if he were preaching the holy word of the one true God. “Once all the worlds have rejoined, we Ascians are to offer up the Source’s remaining inhabitants in sacrifice, that we might resurrect our brethren who died to bring Zodiark into existence. And thus, everything will go back to the way it was, the way it was meant to be.” He spoke with such lavish and conviction, a duty he was wholly dedicated to no matter what it took to achieve such an end. He had dedicated eons to restoring his people and if the First could be rejoined he was one step closer to that goal. Or at least he thought.

The room stiffened and Nua cursed under her breath as a result of this madness. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” She muttered, though she knew very well that he was not. “Back the way it was meant to be? Nothing is going to go back to the way it was ‘supposed’ to be, not after this. When everyone finds out you’ve killed billions just to bring them back to a doomed world, they will look up to you in horror.”

“You do not kn--”

“I know enough!” She turned to face him again, a very stern look on her face as she tried to keep her temper at bay even when she was hearing such nonsense coming out of his mouth. “I may not have all of my memories but I have enough to recount the tear between our people when you and the rest of the Convocation kept spilling blood for your god. How were we to safeguard the future of our people when you were butchering them in the present?!” 

“This can’t keep going, Emet-Selch, too many lives have already been lost.”

“We don’t have a choice, Zodiark needs more sacrifices so that he may restore the star.”

“Are you so blind that you don’t realize that it's killing the few we have left? We will have no future at this rate.”

“Fandaniel we’re doing the best we can. Zodiark is the star itself, it knows what it needs. Just a little bit more, he just needs a little bit more and everyone will--”

“Even if he does decide to finally answer our wishes, there will be nothing left for them but a city full of ghosts.”

“Where are you going?”

“To find a better solution.”

“Nothing good has ever come out of sacrificing those to a primal and Zodiark is no different.” Nua felt her chest congest as she waited for Emet-Selch’s response, waiting for him to show something, anything. But the bastard was never one to give what she would have wanted, no, he just decided to be his usual uncaring self as he shook his head.

“Even now, after everything, you refuse to listen to reason. You think that it's unfair that you are subject to suffering? That your lives will be sacrificed for the ancients?”

“Of--”

“Look at me!” He demanded as his voice became unmasked and raw while he grabbed at her arm, forcing her to close the small gap between their bodies. “I have lived a thousand thousand of your lives! I have broken bread with you, fought with you, grown ill, grown old! Sired children and yes, welcomed death’s sweet embrace. For eons have I measured your worth and found you wanting! Too weak and feeble-minded to serve as stewards of any star!” His voice trembled as the one unoccupied hand shook with heated frustration as the other holding her in place squeezed with unnatural strength.

Nua did not flinch, not until she felt his soul again, caressing at her, snapping at the edges of her confines as gut-wrenching disgust vibrated through her being. She nearly buckled, feeling the hopelessness he felt for the inhabitants of the Source and the Shards. 

Not worthy. They cannot hope to be so. They are not our legacy. They are weak. They are feeble. Not worthy. notworthynotworthyNOTWORTHYNOTWORTHYNOTWORTHY--

The words spiraled out of control, filling her mind with endless chattering. She could hear her friends in the background shouting, but what she could not understand, nor was there any reason to. Slowly did she put up a hand, bidding them to cease, hoping that they wouldn’t be so foolish as to try and fight when it was obvious that the only person who could ever hope to stand up to Emet-Selch was her.

Then her soul screeched back, pushing back against his, stubbornly unmoving, unyielding. 

They are worthy. They can do this. We can do this. Give us a chance. We are strong. We can persevere. We are ALIVE! WE ARE WORTHY!

She intensified her feelings as much as she could; not that that said much. It was difficult due to most of her memories missing and unused to using her soul in this way. When she saw the small amount of amusement on his face, she knew that her efforts were anything but effective.

“Have you not learned that your ignorance and frailty begets only endless misery?” His voice, though soft, managed to drown out all possible others, causing them to grow quiet and still as his smile faded away. “How long do you mean to perpetuate this farce? How much more must I endure your bumbling interference?” Emet-Selch looked to her, eyes boring into her own, though she had a feeling that he wasn’t talking to her, not directly. He closed them briefly, seemingly contemplating before his eyes met with her other companions.

“Even if the world were to face true annihilation once more, do you honestly believe that half your number would sacrifice themselves to save the other? Of course they wouldn’t. And if you had witnessed history unfold as I have, you would have reached the same conclusion.” He said, still continuing his lecture in a softer version of his voice; of which he was not entirely wrong. 

A quiet sigh left his lips and his grip on her loosened enough where she could easily pull away; she did not. “I will bring back our brethren. Our Friends. Our loved ones. The world belongs to us and us alone.” 

I promise, Persephone. 

His fingers slowly loosened before lazily falling away before he turned his back to her, perhaps unable to gaze at her any longer, tired of fighting and tired of not being able to get his point across. Those words of his, that were meant for her hearing only, echoing in her mind as he started to walk away.

Hades!

Her soul reached out when verbal words would not, trying to coax him out of this fantasy he had been planning to bring about for eons. But he ignored her, heading out towards the door.

“Emet-Selch!” Amidst the buckling silence did Alphinaud manage to find his voice where Nua or the others could not. While the boy looked pained, his resolve was clear within his stable voice. “We understand. Truly. But it makes no difference. The ones you love are in the past. While ours are here in the present. One day, we too will be ashes and dust, but not today. Our time is not yet finished. We share your conviction… and that is why we will not abandon our course.” 

Such a way with words; Alphinaud was always better at them than Nua ever hoped to be. She thought actions were better; to feel, taste, breath, hear and see then to listen to a person speak words that were only made to impress others. Alphie managed that and more most of the time, but knowing Emet-Selch, knowing her Hades, it would not be possible. He was dedicated, he was so filled with insurmountable love that he would do insurmountable atrocities to achieve them.

Emet-Selch was silent, standing there, arms loosely hanging at his sides, posture slouched as if something heavy was weighing them down. At first Nua thought he would not bother arguing further, but then she felt fire. There was no heat, but she could feel something burning from him, his soul flickering and intensifying. She knew it well; the uncontainable rage that threatened to overtake one’s being. His back straightened slightly and Nua felt her gut clench. 

“You think us the same? You think your tattered soul of equal worth to those I lost?” His head turned ever so slightly, golden eyes constricted as he gritted his teeth. “Then come-- earn your place. Prove yourselves worthy to inherit this star.”  The burning pulsed, but within that flame of resentment Nua could feel a deep wound, a hurting chasm that could not be filled or healed. A grief that would not allow itself to be overcome.

And before them the golden doors opened, revealing a wall of fire and beyond a crumbling city full of despair, hopelessness and death.

“Behold, the coming oblivion. T’was the end of our era, and the beginning of our great work. A fitting backdrop… for your final judgement.”

#ffxiv #ffxiv shadowbringers #shadowbringers spoilers #5.0 spoilers #emet-selch #|| drabble

[queen-bombus]

July 26, 2017 · Edited · How To Deal with the “Victim Mentality” in Others The “Victim”. We all have them in our life, maybe you are one of them, maybe you work with one, or maybe you are married to one. One thing I have learned in the last 15 years as a coach, there are two things that no one likes: 1) being called a “victim” and 2) dealing with a “victim”. Let me be clear, there is a difference between 1) the phenomenon of actually being a victim of trauma or a tragic event in life (victimization) and 2) living a life with a victim mindset (an attitude or disposition that predetermines a person’s view, response to and interpretations of situations). ‌I have met many victims of trauma that do the work necessary for themselves to live a productive life post-trauma. These people are heroes in my mind and not what this article is about. Rather, this article is about the latter — the “it’s-not-my-fault, the-world-is-conspiring-against-me, and there-is-nothing-that-can-help” types. The types that embody helplessness, powerlessness and resignation and avoid responsibility for the results in their life. The Victim Pattern The victim mindset is a habitual way of looking at life — an automatic orientation towards the events in ones’ life as unfairly getting the short end of the stick or being taken advantage of. They tend to feel powerless to confront their circumstances and it’s never their fault (to include personality traits that they don’t have the capacity to alter in themselves). Because humans be and act consistent with the way they see the world, a person with such a mindset will be and act as a victim. It is important to understand this is a pattern, and as such, there was much practice put into this now automatic way of being in the world. At the same time, it is not a personality trait, and while patterns are tough to break, they are malleable and can be worked through if the commitment is there. Why Choose the Victim Mindset If you are going to make a difference with a person who embodies the victim mindset, it is imperative that you realize that such a mindset is not irrational nor illegitimate. If you saw life the same way they did, you would likely be and act similarly. No one really consciously chooses to be a victim. It is more a way we fall into, and we fall into it because, it works. It becomes a strategy to deal with life — whether it is staying safe in one’s comfort zone, numbing oneself, finding company, getting attention, avoiding being responsible for something in one’s life, etc. I have met many otherwise extraordinary people who just cannot be with what they perceive as failure in life — that life isn’t going the way they want — it is just too painful. To deal with this, they maintain their cover by explaining away the responsibility, and in the process unknowingly give away their power to change the situation. The attention, sympathy and time that a person can get from victimhood is validation that they really are a good person and if circumstances were just different, they would obviously be thriving. It’s a way to “save face” in the face of failure of any kind. For some, this way of being was role-modeled by parents or other caregivers and has been the only method to deal with things that don’t go the way they are supposed to go. A victim mindset can also be created by very legitimate concerns that are not getting addressed, and as such, a learned helplessness ensues. This person has learned in the same way that we learn anything — repetition of a particular pattern over time — speak up, get ignored, speak up, get ignored, speak up, told to shut up. The complaint was legitimate, but it ceased to have a commitment to change overtime as the person has learned nothing will change. What to Do There is never a one size fits all approach because we are humans and we are all very different; however, I have found the following to be useful and productive in supporting a person locked in the victim pattern. You will see that the heart of this approach is revealing they have a choice, creating an authentic commitment to something, and generating the responsibility for acting consistent with that commitment. WARNING: The following steps should only be attempted if you genuinely care about supporting a person, otherwise, you won’t want to do what is outlined below. Step 1: Check Yourself and Drop the Label “She is such a victim, I don’t want to deal with her” or “victims are so draining”. This is the “anti-victim mindset” — and anything they say is likely to be regarded by you as complaining or whining — more proof of their victimhood. To actually effectively deal with the victim mindset, you have to stop being righteous and superior about how they are ‘such a victim’. Get yourself in a position of genuinely wanting to support this person to end their own suffering and take productive action (as opposed to ending your suffering of their victimhood). Also — if you are a victim-hater, you may hear victim when there is real legitimate communication wanting to happen. An entire executive team of an organization that had a culture of “anti-victim” missed some very serious indicators that something was really wrong leading to high turnover, lower performance, and bills not getting paid. When people lower in the organization would complain, they only heard ‘victim’ and shut them out and increased the demands. When they realized that their label of “victim” was preventing them from really hearing important information, they were astonished at how they had actually perpetuated the situation and began to shift how they interacted with their employees. Step 2: Validate don’t resist They are resigned and that means they have given up on something that they saw was possible. Anything you say into the mood of resignation will be shot down. This means that trying to convince or reason through the use of logic will not work. A mindset is just that, a mind that is set — the more you resist, the more the mindset will persist in defending itself. Validate that they have the view they have. This does not mean agree with them — agreement can add fuel to the fire. Rather, just acknowledge what they said “I hear you say corporate doesn’t care about supporting you in the field and no one cares about doing the right thing anymore” or “I understand what you are saying — there are no available jobs anywhere and no one wants to hire you.” Again, you saying what you heard does not mean you agree with it, just that you heard it. Part of validating is getting not only the words, but also the mood and emotion behind what they are saying. Step into that resignation, the despair, the righteousness, the unfairness of it all. If you had that narrative and that mood, you would likely sound the same way they do. Don’t be so superior to think you haven’t been or couldn’t be in the same space they are at a different time — it is a human phenomenon. Such a mirror can sometimes create enough of a space that the “victim” can actually hear themselves. Step 3: Speak to and listen for commitment Resignation is the mood that happens when you have given up on some possibility that you saw — some commitment you had. It’s what happens when you don’t think something is possible. The good news about that, is that deep down, there is some commitment. What possibility has this person given up on? When we speak to someone, we are often speaking not to the person in front of us per se, but to our judgment of the person in front of us. So if we are speaking to a victim, we will elicit a victim response. If we are speaking to a committed, capable person, we can actually elicit a committed, capable response. First, you need to get their alignment to have a conversation to support them — you might say something like “I can see that this is not a great situation for you, are you interested in a conversation to see if we can see a possible way out?” Once you get their commitment to even have a conversation, we will want to elicit the next level of commitment — a commitment to be or act consistent with what they would like to see changed. There are a few possible questions depending on the situation that can elicit some level of commitment: · Who are you committed to being known as in your life regardless of the situation? Even in the crappiest of circumstances, how do you want to be perceived? · What have you given up on? If the circumstances were different, what would you really like to see happen? Are you willing to stand for making that happen even if it seems unfair and uneven at times? · If you could have things turn out a different way than they are, but you would have to put in an unequal amount of effort over a long period of time and you may not get credit or recognition for it, would you be up for making it happen? · If you could have it your way, what are you really committed to underneath it all? What would have you feel like you could get done what you need to get done? · If you knew this situation wasn’t going to change, would you make the choice to stay here? The key here is a rendition of the “given that” technique. “Given that … the situation is terrible, no one likes you, the world seems to conspire against you, and there is no end in sight …. Who do you want to be in spite of it all?” In other words, I’m not going to argue over the situation itself or try to convince them it’s not so bad, I’m going to accept that it is “so bad” and take it off the table for discussion. Then the only question is, well, who are you committed to being in the face of it all? What values do you want to display? An analogy is being on a sports team where the coach says something like “okay, the other team is twice our size, the field is uphill, the grass is spotty, and it is snowing … given all that, how are we going to win?” The coach looks at the playing field and devises a strategy to win on that field, not some other field she wishes her team was playing on. If it seems the only thing they are committed to is being in this mindset, you might take a risk if you think you have enough of a relationship and point it out, “Can I say something really straight? I would really like to support you, but it feels like you are pretty set on (and maybe even invested in) there not being a solution — am I picking up on that correctly?” or “Seems like you have gotten in quite the FRUMP — do you want to come out of it or prefer to stay in it?” Step 4: Incorporate the body Changing the narrative is very important, but it will have little staying power if the body is left out. I incorporate the body by asking some more questions such as “If you were respected by the executive team, how would you be standing and holding yourself?” I will then encourage them to stand that way. “How does that feel?” There is a growing body of research showing the relationship between the way we hold our body and the effect on our feelings of power. This research even shows that the way we hold our body has neuro-chemical effects such as the release of testosterone or the stress hormone, cortisol. It is hard to be powerful when you are hunched over. It is hard to be powerless when your chest is up, arms back, head high and legs steady. Step 5: Support action Once you have established a new commitment with the body to match, start to move into action. If this is strong enough, you can simply ask, “what action do you now see to take?” If you weren’t able to really get a strong commitment, you can take what they said in step three and ask them what it would look like if they were being that now. “I hear you say that you want to work in a place in which you feel valued and can give 110% and feel good about it…if you got into that mode right now, if you knew you were valued and could give it your all… and you held yourself with that pride, what would you do differently? How would you be different?” The person you are supporting will often say something that is obviously the way that they should be acting to get what they want. At this point, you can simply ask them what they think would happen if they just started being that way and acting that way. Almost always they will see that they could get the better result. I then like to set it up as an experiment, “How about we experiment and just see what we can make happen with this different way of being and acting — are you up for that?” Other possible questions to get action: · How would someone who was known for X act in this situation? · What would be an expression of [X value]? What would be the way of being or the actions? · If you knew you wouldn’t fail, what would you do? The motivation for taking new actions may be high at first, but if the person does not see results right away, they can sink back into the mindset, so you want to set it up to be a long-term experiment and that it takes consistent, repetitive action to see a difference over time. Remember, we are looking to alter a well-practiced pattern. Step 6: Follow up Because this mindset has been a well-practiced pattern, it will take consistent follow up to help establish a new way of seeing the world and acting within it. Keep the new commitment alive by continual conversation — otherwise it will not last long. Call them, check in, write an email, send a text, “hey, just wanted to let you know I am still inspired by what you said yesterday” or “how did the new actions go?” Don’t be surprised if you check in and they didn’t take the action or if they are down again — they need a reminder and you may have to repeat the conversation again. Remember, we are only doing these steps because you really want to support that person. Will This Work? Each person is different, each situation is different, and you are different than me. I’m a coach, so it is easy for me to get into these conversations quite naturally — it may not be for you. Nonetheless, I hope you can take some nuggets from this article to improve your capacity to deal effectively with people who have fallen into this pattern of the mind. At the very least, if all you get from this article is a little compassion for the humanity in the other person, you will be more effective regardless of what you do.

https://medium.com/personal-growth/dealing-with-the-victim-mentality-in-others-a9d6f2270f72

[avdhootrohan]

There are love stories that are impossible and you have to say goodbye to them. In real life it doesn't happen like in Hollywood movies. It turns out that love cannot do everything and so we find impossible love, love stories that end badly due to factors outside the couple, or that end early. And other times, the love story does n't even begin. All these loves with an end deserve a beautiful love letter goodbye to the height. Farewell Love Letter; The Most Beautiful Words To Say Goodbye We want to devote special attention to those loves that could not be, for whatever reason, because we did not have enough courage to risk ourselves, because although we loved him, he was hurting us or because we were in the wrong time and place. For all those love stories that we had to leave half alive, for those loves that we still love, and for those men who will remain forever in our hearts but not in our lives, we have written several goodbye love letters . Get inspired by them to tell them to find the most beautiful words to say goodbye . Index Tips for writing a beautiful love letter to say goodbye 4 examples of goodbye love letters Tips for writing a beautiful love letter to say goodbye Before you start writing a beautiful letter to say goodbye to your great love, or to one of whom you had to say goodbye yes or yes, you have to take into account some advice. Thanks to them you can write with your own words everything you feel and vent once and for all with that person who, although in his day was everything, today is nothing. -Think very well about everything you are going to say in your letter . It's not about writing random sentences, but about that person understanding the reason for parting and your deepest feelings. -Do not get carried away by resentment . It is possible that your relationship has ended in the worst way, but still you should not write reproaches that will only make the situation worse. Remember that it is about speaking from the heart, never from resentment. -Make test letters. Do not give that person the first letter you make, surely you have to rewrite it many more times until you find one with which you feel 100% comfortable. -Take your time. It is not about making a letter quickly and running , but about expressing your own emotions on paper. And that, sometimes, is not easy nor is it something you have to do quickly ... -Write in a place where you are calm, away from mobiles, computers and everything that can distract your attention. -Think that this is the last time that you are going to address that person and that you will not see him or talk to him anymore. This way, you can say goodbye as you deserve. -Reflect everything you feel , both good and bad, but always with good words. Do not use harmful phrases or words that will hurt the feelings of the other person. -Do you want to end the relationship well? Or do you want to tell that person how good you are without her? Anyway, clarify your ideas before you start writing your letter. -Send the letter to the address of that person better than give it. In this way, you will not expect it and you can play with the surprise factor . In any case, in addition to these tips, below you can enjoy some models and examples of our own creation. In addition, you can read the 'Twenty love poems and a desperate song' by Pablo Neruda in the Universal Virtual Library , an example of goodbyes in love relationships. Attentive! 4 examples of goodbye love letters 1. love letter to say goodbye with your heart Until forever heart, Yes, this is a goodbye love letter . I can only write it to you because saying goodbye is impossible to me. I could not look at you again because I would lose myself in the color of your eyes, I could not speak to you again because I would be caught between your lips, so I leave now and I leave all my love in this letter . You know well that this love story cannot have a happy ending , you know well that we are both going to suffer, and I have thought to say goodbye now that we still savor the happiness of loving each other. You also know that I have never loved anyone as I love you and I find it difficult to imagine that I will ever feel this love again. But I also say goodbye . I'm not going empty. Sorry if I take your kisses, your caresses and your hugs. Sorry if I take the laughter and confidences. I also put in the suitcase the smell of your hair, the taste of your skin and the sound of your voice. All that took me to keep it as a treasure well inside my heart. You can keep the memory of this love story that could not be, but it will be, in another time, in another life, of that I am sure. And I hope you understand this hasty goodbye, but inevitable , because I would like to stay forever in a corner of your heart. I will remember you forever. 2. Say goodbye in a letter: the farewell we need Hello Love, This is the letter I never thought I would write , but the time has come. A love as beautiful as ours deserved a farewell at the height of how much we loved each other: for what we live together, for what we feel, for what we were ... The problem is that we are no longer. Although I know we both need to separate, I have to admit that sadness invades me with every word I write. I can't get out of my head how in love we were one day. We were happy But you and I know that it is better to leave it before the clouds of wear shadow the rays of our happy memories. Therefore, today I am going to tell you what I never dared to tell you: I had already imagined a life with you . Through my head have passed images of us educating our children, building a new home, walking our wrinkles along the beach ... And yet, once again, life shows us how much it can change in a very short time. And now, we have to say goodbye. Ours may not work anymore. But we have everything lived. Maybe another way, but I will always love you. 3.Goodbye love letter and thanks Until another my love, Surely at some point we were happy, but I don't remember anymore . The disagreements have managed to erase the good memories from my head. But I think it is worth making a final effort for this end to reconcile us. It may be a little late, but before I say goodbye, I think you deserve a thank you. We may not have been able to trace a relationship that had already been dragging along the ground for some time. But, as bad as we are now, I am still able to see your virtues and everything you have done for me. Therefore, more than a farewell letter I wanted to write a thank you letter . I want to thank you for supporting me in bad times, even when we both knew we were still together because of the habit of loving each other. You were always courteous and loyal and I wanted to thank you for your honesty. Thank you for teaching me how much you can get to love someone and how powerful can be the feeling of love. With you I learned to kiss the soul you want and understand the intimacy with the miserable brush of lips. I understood that to love you so much, before I had to learn to love me and you helped me to do it. Thank you because after this relationship my way of understanding love has changed almost as much as I grew during the relationship. Despite the farewell , I get stronger than ours: with more confidence in myself and more desire to eat the world. I hope the same thing happened to you. Because, despite everything, I wish you the best. 4. Letter to an unrequited love To you, With all the sorrow of my heart, I am writing this letter to tell you that I have finally dared. After a long time going blind, I realized that you are my unrequited love . Unrequited love is usually understood as the one that never gets perpetuated, and we did see your own. However, despite the passion of our meetings, the messages received with sighs and my desire to see you again, you never corresponded to me. I have finally realized that we never look for them. My most sentimental 'I' shouts out loud that I am content with what you are giving me. After all, you have never stopped being affectionate and having smiles for me. But, finally, I will think about my benefit and I will say goodbye. This is not meant to be a farewell letter full of reproaches or reprimands, and if it seems so I ask you to forgive me . But I have given you enough time to show what you wanted from me and the result has been the least wanted to see. I am aware that I will regret this decision and try to go back in time to return to your side. After all, I haven't stopped loving you yet. But I also know that this goodbye is very necessary . In the future I will be proud to have been able to separate from you on time . Until forever, love. Want even more love letter examples? Here we have many more.

http://www.pratibhamod.com/2020/01/Farewell-Love-Letter-The-Most-Beautiful-Words-To-Say-Goodbye.html

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[deathghost8]

Recent Trip writings

Critical trips before and after the Battle shout idea occurred in the pinnacle trip, I have assembled writings from these moments and the neurogenesis cognitions unfolding between them. ***** I feel that I became a psychonaut during a near death experience as a child, I was hallucinating wire colored geometry flying against blackness because of gasoline inhalation, age 10 approximately. As I started to actually grow up, from 23-33, I inhabited a sort of rock bottom, until I discovered nature’s medicines to pursue to concept of neurogenesis. The feeling that eventually formed in my neurogenesis path, well after ceasing alcohol and other poisonous patterns- was a unification of all the threads I had ever been fascinated with into one idea of who I am and what my purpose now in living is. Previously I had sort of jumped between the threads, death fascination, video game escapism, story telling and shame resilience, sexuality and sex positivity / artistic expression, free thought and radicalism against institutional religious thought, lucid dreaming. The feeling of all of my ideas shaped as one concept is incredible but also feels close to this theoretical unraveling point because I feel so completely moved toward the fulfillment of my ideas. As if the direction change my life could take on, this is a transformational disruption. The potential to advance in a way that is completely separate and distinct, almost like waking up as a different person living a different life, the memory of the one before makes little to no sense, it feels like it didn’t happen. It’s an intense juxtaposition of knowing the most intense depersonalization, remembering it in the abstract, yet having now only the result of re sociation. I’m a different person. I was no person then, and now I am one, which is inherently different, and special, and also really insane somehow. Title the 9000th plateau. This is the blackout part for almost anyone. But. If you hold conscious and think a thought this big. You are sky Free falling objects, falling indefinitely, perfectly. Contained and also falling completely perfectly. The humans. The people who are valuable. Precious. Irreplaceable. They are in the perfect free fall. There is no ground. This is infinite perfect energy. The nature of humanness. :::Protecting our Noobs Definitely do not let little tiny kids pick up this medicine and choose it. They don’t know what tripping is for. But I’m Really super good at it. But don’t them tiny ones get it Or alcohol Because they do not at all know what they are doing. They can’t be allowed , they aren’t even choosing yet. Not till Brain is older. Letting them grow bigger That is why we take away the alcohol We take it AWAY. They cannot have any. I just want them to grow bigger And being safe. Don’t let them choose this choice Until we can’t stop them , they are too big we can’t stop them. And even then it’s not safe if they choose it But only they can choose. We can’t do it for them. Nor can we stop them. Because they got too big for us to stop them anymore. But they can’t hear us saying - it will just take you apart take you away from me into a dark corner and I need to see you because you are special. They can’t hear it. They can’t see it. But it’s what we are saying. “You are special. Let me see“ ****** what follows is a trip writing comprised of past writing that is important in my path to the quest and to the result of the quest, and a little bit of new writing - the battle shout originating writings from that trip will be a separate pinned post***** Positive initiating // shame - vulnerability Shame and vulnerability- our most powerful primal instinct gives me a clue to a true wisdom - that vulnerability state is actually our most powerful mind / emotional place, and we just have to stop retreating from it to claim that power. Suddenly it feels like all I have to do in order to make this happen is to start sharing my inner self with people who are close to me. The withholding it all (or 90% ) from my clan people all the time is my retreat from the vulnerable state. I love my friends and I love my family, all are my clan. I want them to know how much this is the case. I can share how I feel about each person. So that they are transitively included in each others’ experience, through me. I just realized that this particular transfer of emotional currency is a vital transaction, it’s what makes people feel connected to you. How am I just realizing that? The feeling that they are fully let in to your space, that they are important and not just that but vital. Positive initiating is what will allow me to start sharing the vital people in my life back to all the others. The art of being wrong Without taking a risk, and losing, it’s impossible to understand the art of being wrong. There is such beauty in the pain, raw energy. Aliveness Pain and joy feel nearly the same. Not comfortable. The sharp sting of a real moment. When you feel weird or empty I guess that’s a lonely thing. I’m a very alone person. *aloneness is one of my strongest traits* Child like authenticity Know what’s special about little kids? They share their real feelings intuitively. If they get hurt, they cry for you. When they are happy they play, hug, and laugh. They show you all that. The pain & everything. It’s impossible not to feel what they share. Who you are as a person is brought out by that trust interaction. Worship What’s funny to me is this - I am nontheist. I am gonna go ahead and defend spirituality as defined as the sense of self as connected to a greater group of selves and place. I feel as if the worship of god described (as the constant perpetual state in western-theist heaven) is synonymous with my worship of heavy metal. When I’m at a concert and I am a living member of the performance. The musicians before me ARE god. ~~~~ A state of self where you are filled with power and elation. Moved. Pouring your soul out for the joy or whichever emotion is expressed. That’s authentic human expression. And I think the term worship is just their concise way of conveying this idea Minecraft spirituality There’s something very indescribably peaceful to me about exploring and working with material in a Minecraft level. Like in other games I always feel like I’m building up toward a bunch of… Achievements. Defined results. In minecraft I feel the opposite. The time I spend is rich with aliveness and substance. Being there is visceral and real. Spiritual. Instead of pushing a bunch of keys and waiting for the results to spawn… I am there I swing the pick I receive the material I am the world It’s everything and nothing. There’s no point to being there, yet the purpose of every action is infinite. Every action is so infinitesimally intentional. Some art truly just makes sense from the artist point of view. Have you ever sang along with favorite metal and done the scream vocals? It takes a lot of gusto. You have to grasp self and unleash it. At a certain point, audience is left behind for artistic integrity. Honesty. Truth in the sound is to be comprehended by the most dedicated listeners. Not freely available on the surface to whomever happens to overhear. So really, you leave behind the inattentive ones. The ones who can’t permit themselves to be captured by the expression of others. For whatever reason. And really, the audience you want is the audience that is willing to delve in to, essentially, you- and learn who you are attentively and respectfully. (common cause) fighting for a real thing that’s greater than just oneself is a critical survival skill. transcending the limits simply by continuously questioning them enables sustained subsistence within them. why was i smarter in 2015, all the thoughts im thinking right now are Reboots of this like im walking around in a circle. My Aesthetic Dear Fellow Denizen of Earth & or future entity studying my moment in history: (something bernie said during a campaign tour around USA) ADDENDUM-
If we as a human family do not take aggressive action to start treating our hero professions in service of the human family properly as such, we will not survive. Parent, educator, coach/mentor, and even student are hugely ignored. T The greatest wound is the suffering of children, the grieving, the victims of abuse or warmongering, and those who desperately want to pursue a life dream and cannot because they don’t have money for health, wellness, and access to vital resources. These are the broken and the enslaved that our system has made. Our system has failed the common citizen. As the most immoral ones have acquired the most monetary power, they have used that power politically, converting cash to lawmaking ability. The ultra wealthy elite have taken public office without intent to ever serve the public on whom they rely. They have become thieves of prosperity that belongs to all of us. It is time for us to act. Bring the thieves to justice and heal our deep and infected wounds. I am the future entity - speaking to myself from the past.**** when i contemplate the intricacies of present day history, a wave of fiery disappointment crashes through me. considering the billions of dollars poured into the garbage of lobbying and propaganda, the deaths and suicides of so many innocents, the abusive behavior wherever it occurs, from neglect, to sexual assault, to indiscriminate murder.. and the more sinister evil, the flat out refusal to care about your fellow human beings that are in trouble. looking down upon all those who struggle as somehow deserving of the biases and tripwires that landed them there, judging and therefore washing your hands of any responsibility for another person’s wellbeing. the most sinister evil. harm of any type toward a child. these are the intricacies of modern day history. the lurid realities that should be the stuff of nightmares, replacing what had been known as the american dream, the human triumph. corruption, corruption, corruption. … to have been raised being told again and again that america is a place of liberty and equality. starting each day with my pledge of allegiance…. one nation with liberty and justice for all —- really that hadn’t been the case since before my parents were little kids. there is no greater shame.. it all comes down from this. the inability of our people to get treatment for injury and illness, the lack of a baseline living from their work, the trap of becoming parents without giving up their profession or economic stability. the perpetual violence carried out upon innocents all across our land. what have we done to deserve it? our system has failed us. our species went backwards, ingeniously thwarting the core purpose of democracy and the free market. these problems WERE created by horrible human decision and they can be fixed by good decisions, but we are going to have to go all in and fight for it indomitably. Crowdsourcing together for real morality is all that can save us now. that’s why i intend to fight back, and never stop fighting. neo-humanity will prevail. we will retake control from those thieves who have commandeered the prosperity which belongs to all of us, in order to do evil. there is no other suitable word. by occam’s razor.. the only reason you are wealthy that can be, is that you are a thief who takes away what is deserved by others, in attempt to, not solely keep for yourself but literally for the power of denying it to another. If the bottom 2 classes of our country actually comprise around 80% of our population, that are forced to live only one paycheck to the next, without the ability to see a doctor, save money for their children’s future, or even have enough to provide for nurture now, then you have a society which is run by the thieves. that is what you have. and I wonder and wonder, when will we put the thieves in jail where they do belong, so we can experience the prosperity we worked for? as the wealthiest country in the history of the world… why are they not in jail for this theft ==================================================== Alan Watts quote insert-- [L]et’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally, as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure during your sleep. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say “Well that was pretty great. But now let’s have a surprise, let’s have a dream which isn’t under control, where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it's gonna be." And you would dig that and would come out of that and you would say “Wow that was a close shave, wasn’t it?”. Then you would get more and more adventurous and you would make further- and further-out gambles what you would dream. And finally, you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today. That would be within the infinite multiplicity of choices you would have. Of playing that you weren't god, because the whole nature of the godhead, according to this idea, is to play that he is not. So in this idea then, everybody is fundamentally the ultimate reality, not god in a politically kingly sense, but god in the sense of being the self, the deep-down basic whatever there is. And you are all that, only you are pretending you are not. ================================================================= Stanley_Surprise_Button__theSurpriseEndingDOTjpeg Next, Stanley suddenly sat down and started thinking about how he was Stanley. “I am Stanley” thought he “i am in my office, acting ludicrous ” thought he. except it was ok because he remembered he started living his whole life Not at work. After he was done thinking about this, he began to wonder. Did I - Be Stanley - without a computer, an office, a desk, a button to push, or an instruction to follow? ? And the answer came to him. Yes. Stanley is who I am. Thought he.

#psychonaut